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THE UNIVERSITY 

OF ILLINOIS 

LIBRARY 

c 



Ready to Produce 

All vacation we've been "at it, " — on the job every day 
so that we would have everything in tip-top shape for 
you folks this fall. Our variety is larger than ever, sev- 
eral new lines having been added. In short, if you ask 
for something, we're ready to produce. 



Note some of the standard-make specialties we carry 




Study Lamps 

They li,a:lit the way to kiiow- 
iedge. They're the famous 
VERDELITE lamps, made by 
the Faries M.g. Co., of Dxatu". 
If you get one of these "just-flt- 
for-study" lamps, and equip it 
with one of our Gill-Grindley 
glareless bulbs, you'll have the 
I) st there is. 




Leather Notebooks 

A wondei'ful selecMon is here for you. 
We feature the McINIlLLAX books because 
of their convenient size and durability. 
For women, the 7 3-4 inch by 5 inch size 
— just as large as your books — is about 
right. 



m 



Fountain Pens 

We cany the best makes: 
\\';i1(Miii;ni, ("onkliii. Sliact- 
fer, and Moore. For wom- 
en we have the above pens 
with ring tops — you can 
hang them on your note- 
book rings. Also see the 
S.MTOIH prii Willi ;i silk 

ribbon. 

Wj 
Laundry Boxes ^ 

One of our laundry boxes will la^t you 
during your whole Unive sity career. We 
are dealers for both Vic Krannert's boxes 
and for Kwik-pak boxes — both sturdily 
nuide and noted for their "lastability." 



'Chuck" Ballev 



8TUDENTCUPPIYCT0RE 
'ervice f J aviru$ f J at i s/aci ion 



(;0(i E. Green Street. 



"Shelbv" Himes 





It will pay you to 

listen to this music 

AI.L over tlie country the whistle is blowing for 
L the kick-off, the start of that great game— 
another college year. 

Be on your toes when the whistle blows. A good 
start will carry you well on toward your goal. 

Let the football candidate start by working 
away till his muscles ache from bucking the line. 

Let the aspirant for manager put in careful 
study of his team's needs, always eager to help 
— arranging a trip or carrying a pail of water. 

Let the publications man be alert for news and 
tireless in learning the details of editorial work. 

AVMiatever activity you come out for, crowd a 
lot of energy into these early Fall days. 

And if a good start helps win campus honors, 
it helps win class room honors, too. The sure way 
to be up in your work is to aim now for regularity 
at lectures, up-to-date note-books and particular 
attention to the early chapters of text-books, thus 
getting a grip on the basics. 

This is best in the long run, and—selfishly — it is 
easiest in the long run. That is, iflife after college is 
made easier by the things a bigger income can buy. 



esrem Giec^nc %^9mpui 

Since 1S69 ntakcn and distributors o^ dectncal equipment 



fiumber 21 of a series 



/ 



SIREN 

f 



THE FINEST SORT 
of 

Clothes and 
Furnishings 



ASPHASIA 

Iiate Cop: "Sober up here! 
Now, do ye mean to tell me that 
ye don't know your own name?" 

Boiled One: " 'Sail ri', ossifer, 
I'm not myself jus' now." 

- I'uppet. 






'Welcome lUini." 



Bidweirs 



Fred G. | 

Marshall's i 

I 

ARCADE CLOTHES I 
SHOP I 



'Always Something New" [ 



BRADLEY ARCADE j 

Opposite Library f 




Hot 

Peanuts 

Best 

on the 

Campus 



+ 



FINE CANDIES 









Specify 
on your inirty order 



y^ i 



Berryman's 

Purity Bakery \ 
Goods I 



Berryman's Bakery 



and you'll be pleased, both j 

as to quality and sei'vice. j 

Special attention to I 

Fraternity and Soi'ority J 

Trade. I 



213 South Neil. 



I We make it RIGHT and deliver j 
f it ON TIME i 






This is Clarence Fitz-Htigh 
Abercrombie who has come to 
school to work, not to play. He 
is interested in botany. He'll 
work, all right! There won't be 
anything else for him to do. 



,Ioke I. (Riddle.) 

Q. Why is an elei)haiit like a 
piano? 

A. Because there is a B in 
both. 

Note. — The B. has no refer- 
ence Avhatever to the elephant 
or the piano but refers to the 
word both, whose initial letter is 
B. This is a prominent ex- 
ample of one of our best type 
of so-called humor. It is known 
as the Misplaced Kick Variety. 
Laugh is Optional. 

— Humbug. 

. ( 2 ) 



The Comfort Shop I 

Havens Sisters, Proprietors ; 



MARCEL SHAMPOO. 



Fine hair goods, or- 
naments and toilet 
preparations. 

Turkish baths in 
connection 

Manicure for La- 
dies and Gentle- 
men. 



117 W. Church St. Cliampaign 
M-4563. 



4— 



SIREN 



,„ ,,„ „„__.,„ „„ ,„i m — (m— 11.1 'ii4t «{*l 



The Two Best Places to Eat 
are 

OSTRAND'S CAFETERIA 

and Home 



Seniors, Juniors and Sopliomores already 
know it 

Freshmen and Other New Students are 
Requested to Try Us 



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We are headquarters 
"FOR GOOD THINGS TO EAT" 

in the University neighborhood 

EVERYTHING IS HOME COOKED 

Our tables and serving counters are white 
enamel. 

Third Street, near Green 



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Leslie's 

Music and Picture Shop 

. Victrolas and Records 

Kodaks 

Picture Finishing 

and Framing 

Complete Line of Musical 

Instruments 

Sheet Music 

Stationei-y and Fountain Pens 



I AN URSANA STORE FOR STUDENTS 

! 121 W. Main St. Uibana 



(f 


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Tune in 







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( 3 ) 



We're broadcasting words of wel- 
come to you retuniing Illinl. 

All siunmer we've missed you, but 
we didn't have much time for 
"missing." In fact, w-e've been 
busy every minute scoiu'ing the 
countiy, rounding uji the kind of 
clothes that will be fit for Illini 
men. 

We wish to emphasize especially 
our new and largest department — 
that of SUITS AND OVERCOATS. 
It's no longer a question of finding 
what you \\ant but one of deciding 
which vou want. 



Gehim 

C/ CLOTHES SHOP 



.");{() E. (ireen Sireet 






SIREN 






Commissaries- 



Phone Main 2461 for Fancy Cakes and Pies, 
French and Danish Pastries, Bread, Rolls 
and DouRhnuts, etc. 



UNIVERSITY PASTRY SHOP 



BdS South Sixth Street 



Remember that Number Main 2461 



PREPARED OOF! 

James: — See that woman with the dirty face, 
daddy? 

Father: — Why, James, her face is not dirty. 
She:"Do not bother yourself, I have already She is that way all over, 
found the note in your inside coat pocket." James: — Gee. pa, you know everything. 

— Widow — Humbug. 



He:"Dear, if I can't return for dinner, I shal 
send you a note." 



W.Lewis 6^ Co. 



Champaign. 



A reliable and great store 

for University men 

and women 




8 f 



SIREN 



i 
I 

Pease \ 

Print Shop | 

22 Main St., Champaign I 



High class Stationery lor j 

Fraternities and Sororities, or ! 

for Personal use. 1 

! 

Invitations, Announcements, j 

Programs, Good Printing, at f 

Reasonable Prices. j 

Roll and Flat top desks. Fil- J 

ing Devices, Typewriter Tables, j 

Etc. I 




22 Main St. Tel. 2246 | 

(Up Stairs.) I 



This is P>licia Fitz-Hugli 
Abercroinbie, sister of Clarence, 
\vho aspires to be a college type. 
She is using face mud for the 
first time. The stuff has dried 
and she is frantic for fear it is 
so potent her face will never be 
the same again. It would be 
better so, perhaps. 



ARCADE 

Barber Shop 

Tusliing Bros. Prop. 



IN ORDER 

1 

"Roy" 

2 
"Joe" 

3 

"Ed" 

4 
"Cush" 

5 

"Curt" 















QUALITY 

and 

SERVICE 



CAFETERIA 



7 a. m. to 8 p. m. 



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1 5 ) 



518 E. Green St. 



1 
Main 2523 J 

I 



The Students' Tailor 



Call me if you want your suit pressed 
well and quickly 



1 suit pressed, 40c 
3 suits pressed, $1 

Suits Called for and De- 
livered 
We make the best altera- 
tions in the Twin Cities 

- Made-to-Measure Clothing 



If your clot lies aren't becoming lo you 
you had better be coming to me 



SI 



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REN 






STUDENTS 



Trade at the Co-Op 

ON THE SQUARE 



Books, New and Second-hand -- Fountain 
Pens, all makes -- Pennants -- Laundry Box- 
es - Electrical Goods ~ Wireless Goods ~ En- 
gineers Supplies ~ Stationery - Toilet Articles 
Artists Supplies - Kodaks ~ Tobaccos, etc. 



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Meet Your Friends Here. 
Free Phones. Rest Rooms. Telegraph Station 

I The Greatest College Store [ 



I 



THE! 
CO-OP 



ON THE 
SQUARE 



U. of I. 
Supply Store 



SQUARE 



I 




SIREN 




The Bazaar of Samarkand 

In Which Abir-du-Tar Dispenses Money-Bringing Wares 



Abir-du-Tar changed the long pipe 
with the mystical carving upon the 
bowl to the other corner of his mouth 
for a contemplative moment and eyed 
a black toe protudiug from beneath 
the skirt of his ragged cloak, covered 
it up with a short gesture and resum- 
ed his meditation. Abir-du-Tar was 
the proprietor of Samarkand. His 
uncle aud his grand-uncle owned it 
before him. There was no limit to 
the number of relatives who had 
owned it before them. It was all 
quite within the family. 

Just as families preserve things of 
very slight value, vacuuous in every- 
thing but sentiment, the bazaar of 
Samarkand was preserved. A wide, 
perilously supported awning of buff 
and white stripes kept the sun out of 
Samai-kland. It was nothing more 
than a hole in the wall. But a hole 
in the wall will serve, sometimes, lor 
many things. Abir-du-Tar's stock in 
trade was blankets, pottery and brie 
a-brack that tourists insisted upon 
buying in large quanities and shippinsr 
home in great packing cases which 
A.bul Corfud made for them at 
fabulous charges. 

But Abir-du-Tar was more progress- 
ive than his uncle had been. Abir 
du-Tar had dared to change the tradit- 
ion slightly, seeing in the metamor- 
phosis of a time-honored practise the 
virtue of increased earning power, 
however small, of Samarkland. Abir- 
du-Tar had, through the Colonial 
sahib at the goverment registry, sent 



to England quite a neat sum of money. 
In return he was to get a bundle of 
magazines, both home and foreign, 
which the Colonel sahib had said ho 
could sell readily for goodly sum.s. 
Abir-du-Tar had received two bundles 
of the strange charactered magazines 
and, as the Colonel sahib had said, 
had sold many of them and at great 
sums. In fact. Abir-du-Tar was be- 
coming wealthy. Had he not been 
able to buy from Zamart? Had he not 
been able to walk deliberately into the 
small-eyed wine merchant's shop and 
purchase a bottle of the elixir which 
the great Colonel sahib kept continual- 
ly in his desk at the registry? Yes. 
no doubt, Abir-du-Tar was becoming 
wealthy and that is not all. He was 
enjoying his wealth. The ancient 
forbears had not enjoyed whatever 
wealth they had had half as much as 
Abir-du-Tar. One thing yet remained 
to make Abir-du-Tar fabulousb 
wealthy. 

Sahib Smith strode noiselessly down 
the crooked street. It was white hot. 
The breeze only pushed the heat 
farther into the dirty corners. The 
deep blue sky above was strange and 
cool in contrast with the grey-white 
ground which rose up in transparent 
waves. Sahib Smith cursed tthe heat. 
It was only one of the things which 
aggravated him. Ten months from the 
States and not even a sight of civil- 
ization. The employment bureau's 
prospectus had promised "comfortable 
surroundings." Prospecting for oil in 
Kabul districts proved the prospectus 



a pack of lies. There was only one 
pleasant thing in the offing just now. 
Sahib Smith had rriade arrangements 
with Abir-du-Tar. It was time for the 
consummation. Sahib Smith was 
hastening to see Abir-du-Tar, who 
through the Colonel sahib, had given 
out most intensely interesting infor- 
mation concerning a particular ware at 
Samarkand. 

Abir-du-Tar looked up quickly as a 
long shadow moved and stopped in 
front of him. Sahib Smith's eyes 

were alright and shone brightly. The 
bronze face was sternly passive.. 

"I have come, Abir-du-Tar." 
"You have indeed come. Sahib 
Smith," came from Abir-du-l^ar, who 
still sat, immovable, crosslegged upon 
the ground. 

Sahib Smith, peering intently into 
the black eyes below him, reached 
slowly into his trouser pocket and 
withdrew just three pieces of gold. 
Abir-du-Tar's eyes narrowed. Sahib 
Smith dropped the yellow coins slowly 
one by one, into the lap of Abir-du-Tar. 
The latter looked down at the coins 
for a moment. Then he reached into 
the folds of the frayed garments and 
drew forth a brilliantly colored 
magazine. In the courious characters 
of the English the strange word 
SIREN was printed on the outside. 
Sahib Smith grasped the magazine 
and strode abruptly away. And Abir- 
du-Tar smiled at the strangeness of 
Sahib Smith and felt ever so good at 
his own good fortune. 



( 7 ) 






^c^-tfe i^/r^ 



ujLiSo 



JLttu^c 




And this, dear friends, is tlie result of three iiuorrigilile persons livlns in the same 
liouse for eight weeks in the summer time. You will say that the piece is grotesque. 
Its worse! It is the result of the inlluence upon one peison of two other persons who. 
to say the very least, are peculiar. It is, so to speak, the quintessence of boredom into 
which we have a blending of fortitude, whimsy, poetical exasperation, and. as the 
artist succeeds, we see the flowing linos expressing a softening of the genus irritable 
and a final warmth which the creative urge has developed from a condition of chaos. 
The more you observe it, the more this truth is brought out. 



SIREN 



Semi-Dirge 

By Riff-Raff 

Old Bill had a name as a ten-or; 
As the best of the shots at the bar; 
An' his whiskers was gnarly an' twisted, 
An' as black an' as sticky as tar. 



Now Mag was a woman he worshiped, 
And none was there as could blame; 
For, though she was rough and irregular. 
Her heart was as true as her name. 

Well, Mag was a drinker an' dancer — 
Hell Morgan's was her place fer rest. 
While to shoot everything full of bullets 
Was the sport that old Billy liked best. 

Them ways wasn't made fer each other — 
He never liked dancin' ner drink; 
He once took a shot at her mother, 
And chuckled, "she died like a chink!" 

Well, things fer a spell jest continued. 
Till Mag lost her patience and drunk 
Fer a day and a half an' she died like a calf, 
An'- Bill shot his head through Ker-Plunk ! 

An' now they's two tomb-stones together 
Out there on the edge of the town ; 
This story thereon is related: 
Bill was shot an' poor Maggie was drown. 

S 

MISTAKE REALIZED 

1630: — Indians trade Manhattan Island for keg 
of whiskey. 
1921: — Citizens want to trade back. 



— Humbug. 



-S- 



SMALL CHANGE 

Dealer: — Buy a trunk, Pat. 

Pat:— What for? 

Dealer: — To keep your clothers in. 

Pat: — And go naked? Not a bit of it. 

— Octopus. 
S 

HELP! HELP! 

Queen of Spain: — Moi gracia! The baby has 
a stomach ache. 

Lord Chamberlain (excitedly): — Page call in 
the Secretary of tht> Interior. 

— Sun Dodger. 



What to do 




A meuiluT of the Class of '26 has strolled out to 
Illinois field, climbed the balconj^ on the gym annex 
and is prepared to see for himself. T. P. B. sug- 
gests such a thing as (tnc of many to do on Friday 
night. He says : 

''Try strolling over to the annex and hatching 
the athletes. There are always a few there. From 
the balcony you may enjoy much the same pleasure 
which in the Dark Ages was ascribed to the Blessed, 
wlio were, on bank holiday, permitted to look over 
the gilded parapet and conteinitlate the tortured 
damned below." 

We should say that during foot ball the analogy 
is beautifully correct but that during track season a 
s(inad of Hindu ascetics playing leap frog on a 
track paved with broken pop bottles would more 
nearly match the eH'orts liciii<i made to augment 
physical accomplishments. 



-S- 



FOR REFERENCE 
"Percy proposed to me last night," she cooed 
to her father. 

"Well, what did you say?" 

"See me? Gosh, I don't want to marry him." 



-S- 



PRONTO 

Prof.: "Success, gentlemen, has four condit- 
ions." 

Voice from the fack row:"Tough luck, the 
Registrar will kick it out of college." 

— Burr. 



SIREN 



The Great American P^amily 

Depicting Some Interesting Traits About the Jonezes 



By 1ft 




This is Gwenivere Jonez. She leans 
slightly leward a Hollywood complex, 
but ■■ has a good heart." She enters 
the University with her twin sister 
this fall, thereby adding another tc 
the general type. 



Mabel Jonez is the opposite ot her 
twin sister. She is horribly serious 
and thinks everything else is, includ- 
ing the world. She will not succeed at 
the University; she needs a more con- 
centrated atmosphere. She may go 
to a private school and then take up 
settlement work in New York. 





The boys at the bank call Joseph 
Henry Jonez, "Hank:" He is the nom- 
inal head of the family and actually 
manages to hold the position ot exec- 
utive head by reason ot his sense of 
humor; his wife doesn't believe this, 
though. When people look at Mabel, 
they say her father is a hard man, 
but a glance at Gwennie neutralizes 
the impression. "Hank" gets a good 
salary and is willing to forego an au- 
tomobile so the kids can have an edu- 
cation. 




This is the skeptic of the family; 
she doesn't believe a college educa- 
tion has any place in a girl's life. She 
got along all right without one. It 
was she who had their name changed 
from Jones to Jonez, wlien "Hank" 
got the big raise at the bank and 
moved into the big brick house on the 
hill. Mrs. Jonez is a society leader. 
The only trouble is that Hoopville 
society is reticent about being led; 
ergo, most of the people in the town 
are stupid. 



This is Malcomb Harrison Jonez. He 
has an early start toward development 
into the prototype of his mother. He 
is at the head of his class in school 
and intends to run a dry goods store 
when he graduates from high school. 
His mother approves of the idea. 
Gwennie calls h'm the "brat," and 
Mabel calls him Malcomb, but "Hank" 
calls him "Mac," which he resents 
very much, as does his mother. If he 
ever does go to college, he'll be a Phi 
Beta Kappa, if they let him live. 





Horace is an old member ot the 
family. Hank brought him home one 
night, and following a pitched battle 
and a siege of three days, Horace was 
allowed to remain. Some of Horace's 
friends are playing about in the offing 
killing time until this picture is drawn 
after which they and Horace will have 
a merry gambol. 



( 10 ) 



SIREN 



BALLADE OF SIR HAFFE A TONNE 

" Tlie agile slip lioni l)lareth free 

The dancers prance right nimblie 

And says Sir Knight, and dost thou see 

Yon cliunsy varlet? 

Behold he cannot dance at alle 

And bunipeth one and bunipeth alle 

And doth a nusiance in the hall," 

Said lady Charlotte 

Said Hafle a Tonne, "I grant thy boon" 

And forth they danced into the room 

For he did shake most ponderous shoon 

Thys noble Knight. 

So when they bumped amid the presse 

He jarred Sir Nusiance loose. Ye wis 

And knocked him for a row I guess 

And wrecked him right! 

— Tukulti-Ninib. 



Pot Pourri 

As I was walking down the 

street 
A bill board met my eye; 
The advertising that was there 
Would make you laugh and cry. 
The snow and rain had almost 

washed 
That old bill board away, 
But what was left of what was 

there 
Would make that bill board say: 
Come smoke a Coco-Cola, 
Tomato Catsup, Pretzelettes; 
See Lillian Russell wrestle 
A box of cigarettes. 
Pork and Beans will meet 

tonight 
For a finished fight. 
Chauncey De Pew will speak 

upon 
Sapolio tonight; 
Peruna for the horses. 
It is the best in town; 
Castoria for the measles. 
You pay ten dollars down. 
Teeth extracted without pain — 
A little added time; 
Overcoats will sell tonight 
For the price of half-a dime. 

—Red 



Fable 

With Two Endings for Convenience 

Once there was a professor who had certain 
ideas. One of them had to do with artistry of lit- 
erature and the pot boiling tjTe of present day 
novels. He aspired to be a novelist. So he 
wrote a novel. When he had finished it he read 
it over with great pride and satisfaction. He 
knew it was well-written. 

But the publishers sent it back to him and said 
they would use it if he would make a few minor 
changes, such as having the couple married at 
the end instead of murdered, etc. 
First Ending 

He refused to ruin his work and prostitute his 
art. Today he figures up his debts on the back 
of the sheets of his rejected manuscripts. 
Second Ending 

The pi'ofessor had the couple married, changed 
the ingenue heroine to a flapper, and had the 
villain heated in boiling oil. He sold eighteen 
novels straight after that. To-day he is worth 
a million dollars. 



— S- 




A PLACE IN THE SUN 



107 DOWN 



to 



a 



SeiTant: "There's a man 
see you, sir." 

Master: "Tell him to take 
chair." 

Servant: "He did sir. He s 
taken them all, and they're mov- 
iiifj out the piano uow. He's 
from the furniture store." 

— Jack-o-Lantern. 



( 11 ) 



SIREN 



The Ballad of a Hundred-Twenty Pintos 




A hundred twenty squealing pintos 

Millln' in the hold; 
A hundred twenty kickin' devils 

Goin' to be sold. 



Th' hell they raised warn't ever 
nothin' 

Till we cleared for sea; 
But when we hit th' first long roller 

Gettin out-a lee . 



Th' hell they raised warn't ever 

Started fightin' bad, 
An' gettin' thirsty, darn near drank all 

Water to be had. 



We'd hit the tropics off th' headlands 

Nigh on eighty mile. 
When down th' wind went an' we 
knew we'd 

Have t' rest a-while. 



A hundred twenty squealin' pintos 

Millin' in the hold; 
A hundred twenty kickin" devils 

Goin' to be sold. 



Th' cap'n scratched 'is grisly whiskers 
Said: "Boys, this won't do; 

"We're five days layin' quiet now an' 
"Got a thirsty crew. 

"Them bloomin' bosses gotta walk th' 

"Plank er we'll all die; 
"Ther ain't no more of water left nor 

"Thet wat's in yer eye." 
We all was mighty scared at what th' 

Skipper had t' say; 
But jes the same we thought it would 
be 

Sin to do that way. 

A hundred twenty squealin' pintos 

Millin' in the' hold; 
A hundred twenty kickin' devils 

Goin' to be sold. 

Now Shorty Baines, who's smarter'n 
deck tar. 

Got a bright idee — 
He advocated hitchin' up those 

Hosses in th' sea 

An' lettin' all the crazy ijits 

Pull»us out-a calm. 
Th' capt'n laughed, but Shortv stood 
th' 

Taunts wi'thout a qualm. 



He cut a hundred twenty ratlines 

Forty-five feet long. 
An' tied 'em on the bloomin' pintos, 
Tied 'em good an' strong. 

A hundred twenty snortin' pintos 

Bilin' up the sea; 
A hundred twenty swimmin' devils 

Tliink they're gettin' free. 

They pulled us 'round the Cape d' 
Jourdin, 

Fourteen mile 'er more; 
Ever' wave they saw ahead 'em. 

Thought it was the shore. 

They pulled us right into th' trade 
winds, 
Where the sheets unrolled; 
Then we scooped 'em up with ham- 
mi cks 
An' dumped 'em in the hold. 

A hundred twenty squealing pintos, 

Millin' in the hold; 
A hundred twenty kickin' devils 

Worth their weight in gold. 

—1. f. t. 



I 



( 12 ) 



SIREN 



HONEST! 

The whole world has gone wrong, wailed the 
moralist. 

There are not even as many nprigiit pianos as 
there used to be. — Juggler. 

S 

IN STORAGE 
Hard Egg: "I broke into a place the other 
night that had regular Rip Van Winkle caipets 
on all the floors." 

Second Hard Egg: "Rip \'an \Vink!(' eai-pets?" 
First: "Sure. Carpets with a long nap." 

— Gargoyle. 
S : 

SLIPPERY STUFF 

"A horse just skidded around that corne "• 

"But horses can't skid." 
"This one was tired." — Juggler. 



-S- 



The Power of Syncopation 



Says Pierrot: 




Says I'ierrot : I"m bored nearly to tears, 1 
tJiink. I wish railroad tracks were bigger on top 
tlian on the bottom; T wisji trees grew side ways 
rather than straight up and down; I wish people 
didn't have noses and ears, they stick t)ut too far; I 
wish street cars were painted in white and black ; 
I wish — but what's the use, I've been dead for five 
hundred years. 



1 Nr~^<'~xJ~^^''^V^ 




This is Art Galleon's reproduction of Lindiurg's 
famous piece, done in the modern manner by the 
versatile young artist. (Versatile is right). Gal- 
leon means to portray the subtle but undeniable 
and unmistakable potency of saxaphone music. 
Limburg's piece holds a violin and we are nu)ved 
to exclaim that the violin has a soul. . . It was 
no doubt the inspiration of Lind)urg's art in this 
instance. No less does the saxaphone touch subtle 
things within and it is not entirely wrong to show 
the modern motivation with classic elements. Some 
persons will prol)ably siiriek in horror at this piece 
and go gunning for us. Sic ! We'll start a school 
of our owu, mixing modern and classic elements like 
the colors of a kaleidoscope. 



-S- 



OR UP 

The Young Tiling: "Oh, soft music Just sends 
a thrill of ecstacy right through my whole being." 

The Brute: "Yeh. I get the same way when I 
go down in an elevator. — Wag Jag. 



-S- 



AN EARFUL 

Lydie : "Try to imagine it. Jack is going to 
give me a paii* of earrings made out of Phi Beta 
Kappa keys I" 

Lucia: "Slick enough. At li-ast you will have 
the ear nuirks of knowledge then." — Pliorni.r. 



( 13 ) 



SIREN 




I,, I". Tii](;(;s, iUlilor M. 1\. Fowi.Eit, liusimxs MiiiKii/cr 

J. A. KEiTfi, Circulation Manager 

Foreign Advertising 

KiRT Huui)^ Local Advert imng Mgr. 

BiiucE Cowan, D. H. Zeiger, W. E. Meents 

W. O. RoNKLE Assist (ints 

rublishecl monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered 
as second-class matter at the postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, 
Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 
113 University Hall, Urbana. 




Invocation 

Oil your way, Sister; your debut this season 
was hastily arranged but I think you are not so 
bad. 1 know that your last season's maid was 
the acme of ability and I have some mis- 
Sivin,s?s as to myself. T. P. B. was always rais- 
ing monuments to himself, unconsciously of 
course. If I may sen-e you. Sister, in any such 
fashion as T. P. B. served you, it will be that Allah 
has caused the sun to shine upon me. 

On your way, sweet nymph ; may the stars and 
the moon and the sun give their color and radi- 
ance to you; may you be at once sweet, cynical, 
sentimental, satirical, lyrical, nonsensical, serious, 
sensible, ciitical, and impractical, not to say 
humorous. 



"Red" 

The Illini family that lives down in Journalism 
Canyon, and the one member that is away from 
home, kept away, perhaps for fear of untoward 
influence, has become such a chummy bunch 
that our astute parents, who cannot always be at 
home, have given big brother the keys to the jam 
and preserve closet. Horace M. Hodgson is to 
be adviser to publications this year. We like our 
parents for this ; and we will never want to have 
the forbidden jam and preserves because we like 
"Red." Children never listen to older brother as 
we will listen to "Red," remember that. If we 
buy "Red" more cokes than usual it wall not be 
because we desire favors, but because we like 
him. 




( 14 ) 



SIREN 



Metamorphosis 



The campus will ever be essentially the same; 
the tall widespreading trees, the cool, green grass 
(that human heels must never touch — reserved 
for dogs, only) the shaded walks, the buildings. 
There is however a perennial alteration in the 
general landscape. No one could place his finger 
upon that part of it which has been changed, 
but there is always a slightly different ap- 
pearance; providence, mayhap, provides so that 
the place may be perennially new. This may be 
wTong, scientifically; it may be our own altered 
points of view. But who cares to be elemental? 

This year, the metamorphosis is apparent in 
the disappearance of the board walk. It had to 
go, no doubt, but with its going came a lot of faint 
regrets when the ghosts of the past whispered 
things about the sound of footsteps along the 
wooden way when moons glowed white in the 
sky and the smooth rectangle shown like a pool 
of polished steel. We even liked it when it was 
the Via Sloppia and muddy water shot upon un- 
suspecting shins when the rain was especially 
heavy. But then, progress is no respecter of 
things like these. We shall determine to like 
the Via Cenrentia and we shall be glad that all 
eight of us can walk abreast and that when we 
are alone, we are not risking a sudden catapult- 
ing into the ditch at the advance of a careless 
squad of nice young things who could not be ex- 
pected to change file. 

The new agricultuial building is carrying 
civilization into the South Campus; the spirit that 
haunts that place will now be quoted at fifty per 
cent, lower at the curb, I fear. We also are led 
to exclaim: "A million dollars for agi'iculture and 
not a cent for — ." There we will not continue. 
The library is not buying any more ))ooks because 
there is no place to put them; University Hall still 
stands, a monument to the past, a perilous struct- 
ure at the present, and what architectual beauty 
therein lies could readily be sacrificed to build a 
building ten times as artistic and a hundredfold 
more commodious and convenient. Time, I ex- 
pect, will equalize all things — still, many things 
are to be regretted. 



The Door Mat 

To you who are returning, the "Welcome" on 
our door mat is truly serious and sincere. You 
know the warm hand-clasp of friends and the 
pleasantness of the atmosphere which greet you 
again. To those who are coming here for the 
first time, these fli'st days may be trials and there 
may be need of fortitude. In fact, seniors never 
entirely escape from the registration incubus. 
After that, if you are normal and healthy, the 
mini Spirit will slip a hand within yours and you 
will be gloriously initiated into the great fraternal 
solidarity. Make friends with the Siren at the 
beginning; she will lead you over the rough places 
— will buoy you up with her winsome smile so 
that your feet will not drag, stubbing your toes 
on persistent little projections you had not no- 
ticed before you came here. Don't take things 
too seriously, and learn to loaf the right way — 
there is a wrong way, you know. 

So go your several academic and social ways, 
you who have come here for the first time. Your 
Sister of the Sea wishes you all the happiness in 
the world, knowing that unless you are a peculiar 
person, you will be happier than ever before. 
S 



Platitudes 

To be true to tradition is one of the best things 
campus editors do. The editor of this magazine 
therefore, in upholding the practice of the years, 
makes the traditional apology for the lateness of 
the magazine this year. There aren't any excuses. 
That's what makes this a singular issue. There 
aren't any apologies eithei', for dearth of editorial 
and art material. The deai-th is here, as in most 
tirst editions, l)ut, as has been said, there is no 
a])ology. Sic I 

^^'al(•ll lor tlie \(i\('iii1m'I- issue! 





SIREN 





Vacation Ending 

By Hoplite 

Sweet, low, melancholy flutes complaining- 
Deep, now, add their brasses' hum — 
Ring! sing, soft the bells and shiv'ring cymbals- 
Pound, sound, loud the booming dmm— 

Slant-eyed celestials, bearing trays of spices, 
Strange foods and odors, heavy with Cathay- 
White silks and organdies at tables tasting ices- 
Deep scent of incen. e, as the censers sway- 



Dim gleams, cigarettes in semi-darkness glowing, 
Carving little crescents against walls of green 

and jade — 
Dress-suits, and faces where pains and pleasures 

flowing 
Mingle like old legends, and softly fade. 

Lost fled, school, dons, and dusty tomes together, 
New words clamoring at every senses' door— 
Rain upon the window pain, 'tis devdish fall 

weather — 
Chemistry and algebra and I can dream no more. 



( 16 ) 



SIREN 



Projecting the Technique 




Professor Henrique D' van (loofciiliunniici-, lor 
manj' years director and pianist of the (ireque 
Symphonique Grand Opera companj' has retired 
into private life and is writing a series of articles 
for the American Magazine on "How I Became a 
Great Pianist." He is here leai-ning to operate a 
typewriter which is necessary to his new vocation. 
It seems that besides carrying over the ra])tnre he 
felt for his music the professor is likely also lo 
project somewhat of a new technique in typewriter- 
dom. We say nothing of what the poor typewriter 
must bear at his bands but feel it safe to predict 
that the professor will be annoj-ed when the little 
bdl announces the end of the line just as the pro- 
fessor reaches the climax of a nimble fingered run 
into high F. 



POPULAR 

Bounder: "My father has been presented at 
court many times." 

Sniibber: "Yes, my father has sentenc3d him 
many times." 

—V. Reel. 

S 

"Have you seen the Sea Wolf's Prey?" 
"No, I never knew they did." — Chap(in<il. 

S 

Young Lady (who has just been operated on 
for appendicitis) : "Oh, doctor, do you tiiink the 
scar will show?" 

Doctor: "It ought not to." — Li/rc 

S 

Policeman (to disturbing ban joist) : "Young 
man, you must accompany me — " 

He: "Awright, offishor, whafll ya sliing?" 

— Jufifihr. 



Coeur Crevee 
By Charles E. Noyes 

I bought a piece of odd French lace — 
My Lady Ann is very fair; 
My heart is like a pretty face. 

1 wandered in an ancient place. 
Four little shops were waiting tliere: 
I bought a piece of odd French lace. 

ililaily lias a formal grace, 
Milord a most ungracious air; 
My heart is like a pretty face. 

Between two swans I saw a race. 
And gazed with awe upon the pair; 
1 liought a piece of odd French lace. 

A hearse goes with an awkward pace. 
I gave the dainty thing to her; 
My heart is like a pretty face. 

I drew three figures on a vase, 
And swore three oaths that were a prayer 
I bought a piece of odd Freuch lace. 
My heart is like a pretty face. 



-S- 




( IT ) 



SIREN 



Up Hill and Down Dale 

By Riff Raff 

Riff and His Brother Gy Search the Country for Phenomena 




"The 1ak«-o^^, Ttioto b^ Gs Raff <^ 



-^•"•••vlt*' 



x^'^ * O, 



%. 



(Editor's Note: It is our sood fortune to liavo obtuinetl cxchisivp publishing rights 
to the book of Mr, R. Raft which is in the form of a log compiled during a most inter- 
esting scientific and poetic expedition through the more or less unknown parts of the 
continent. The illustrations in the MS. are by Gy Raff, brother of the author. It is 
hoped that we may obtain publishing rights to these most interesting bits of art in the 
near future. We will publish the book serially beginning with the foreword by 
the author. 



FOREWORD 

It was on a bright, sunshiny morning in June that my 
brother and I tore ourselves away from the loving em- 
braces of our dear ones, rushed out to our Ford automo- 
bile, leapt in, and started out at top speed from our old 
home town of Robinson, Illinois on what was to prove one 
of the most eventful and prolific trips of all our already 
startlingly full career, and was destined to give to the 
world some of the most interesting discoveries and adven- 
tures people have been privileged to encounter. 

My brother, Gy Raff, always accompanied me on my 
tours of research, and has proved infinitely valuable to 
me during the course of my life's work. He is a tall hand- 
some, dark-skinned gentleman, with a grim face and dark, 
courageous eyes. He is eminently fearless, always alert 
and ready for contingencies, and possessed of a far reach- 
ing knowledge of the type of things I wish to investi- 
gate and perpetuate in thesis and verse. 

Before we had started we had long deliberated the 
advisability of another trip. We were both beginning to 
show signs of wear from our strenuous globe-trotting and 
unmitigated work. On our last trip we had spent eight- 
een full nights in investigating a fungus growth we be- 
lieved to exist in Wabash River moonshine, but, unhap- 
pily to say, we got no results excepting a high state of 
intoxication and a headache which quite incapacitated us 
for further research. That is the first time we have ever 
failed in any of our undertakings. At least it cannot be 
said that we did not try. To any one who has ever im- 
bibed Wabash moonshine it is evident what such a sacri- 
fice must mean. But my brother and I were ever firm and 
indomitable, and it had always been quite against our 
principal to allow the integrity of our bodily fitness to 
stand between us and success. 

In spite of the fact that we had been to Mammoth 
Cave, Kentucky; Eagle River, Wisconsin, Bedford, Indi- 
ana; and Davenport, Iowa, we realized that there were 
yet some measures of the globe to cover, and we deter- 
mined to make one last overland spurt, in the course of 
which we proposed to discover every natural phenomenon 
that was as yet unknown to the world. Although this was 



indubitably the greatest scientific attempt that has ever 
been contemplated we were undaunted, even at the advice 
against it of some of the oldest inhabitants of Robinson, 
many of whom had been as far as Chicago during their 
lifetimes. Truly, this was to be an expedition on a whole- 
sale scale. 

But it was not only the desire to give science, new 
food to masticate that urged us on. For many, many 
years I have felt within myself that wonderful cosmic 
voice that commands "create, create", and I wished to get 
out in the open, to commune with beautiful nature, and 
there to express my inspiration in poetry, throbbing, thrill- 
ing, thralling poetry. 

Now I have not attempted to write our trip up in the 
form of a novel, or even a story; however, in order that 
the general public may derive as much real good and in- 
formation as possible from the book, I have refrained from 
using any technical terms that might describe our results; 
in its present form the work may be. read and understood 
by the dumbest child or the most traveled adult, just like 
a washing machine, and the fine thing about it is that it 
brings to its readers straight, true, ungarnished facts. 
Rather than give any opinion of my own concerning the 
value of the book, however, I wish to quote the powerful 
exclamation that rose spontaneously from Theodore Pres- 
ton Bourland, the famous fairy-tale fabricator of Fogeye, 
Illinois. When Mr. Bourland had read my book he came 
up to me and said: 

"My dear Riff, you have written a masterpiece that 
the world will not soon forget. You will live to all pos- 
terity. The man who reads this book will be an educated 
man." 

I also quote my eminent friend Mr. Laurence Triggs, 
more generally know-n by the quaint little nickname of 
"Hey Diddle Fiddle, the Cat and the Griddle". Mr. Triggs 
said: "I have read your book with the greatest interest, 
Mr. Raff. You have just put before the people in a clear 
and concrete form a straightforward and unadulterated 
outline of an expedition that means an epoch in science 
and poetry. Allow me to congratulate you". 

I can say no more! 



( 18 ) 



SIREN 



Unfulfillment 



By Charles E. Noyes 

The earth was bright with the moon ol: the East that night, 

And you were clothed with pallor that shone like pearl; 

While I was vain of strength, and sought to hurl 

The world afar in space, for your naive delight. 

But, laughing low, you chose to save the world. 

And I, to count the shadows in your hair. 

So, for a time, we watched the patterns where 

The eddies of the darkness-broken moonlight swirled. 

"Now we must go" you said, and still we saw 

The misty swaying of the ghost-like trees. 

And softly still I felt your hand in mine. 

The night was setting for a moment without flaw. 

Your face was taken from an ancient frieze. 

But world-remembrance spoiled the fair design. 



Sti'iiw hat time is over, and the 
good old soft felt has come back 
to us. But it is no longer the drab 
att'air it has been. It has returned 
in :i f;reater variety of colors than 
ever iK'foie. You may take your 
choice ut' blue grays, brown and 
oli\c t:ni|)cs. mint green, beaver 
l)rowii or mouse gray. The blue 
gray hats with dai-k blue bands 
are particularly nice, and at once 
suggest wearing a blue suit with 
a mauve shirt and a blue plum tie, 
Ihe very latest color craze in Lon- 
don. Felt hats, for town wear, 
slionld have a well rolled brim, as 
in the sketch, but for sport and 
country wear, the brim should be 
flat so that it has the line of the 
one in the drawing, when turned 
down. 

If you are interested in any 
question of dress or etiquette, 
write "The Well Dressed Man," 
care the Siren, and your letter 
will receive prompt and careful 
attention. 



A Great Variety of Colors in Autumn Felt Hats 




( 19 ) 



SIREN 




SISTER STUFF! 
She: "No, Bert. I'm afraid 
you can never call me 'sweet- 
heart' but you may call me 'little 
sister'." 

He: "I'd ratlier call you little 
'calculus.' " 

She: Why 'calculus?" 
He: "Because I'll forget you 
just as quickly." — Brown .lug 

S 

PRECAUTION 
"Rastus, why foh you i)ack 
dat 'er razor to dis dance?" 

"Niggah, don't yoh read your- 
self, as how dis heah am to be 
a cut-in dance." 

—Lord Jeff 

AN AFRICAN HAND 

Pi-of. : "What are the names 
of the bones in your hand, Mr. 
Smith?" 

Mr. Smith: "Dice." 

— Lemon Punch. 

ORPHEUM? 

She: "The show wa'fen't half 
bad, was it?" 

He:"No, tbe whole thing was 
rotten." 

— Octopus. 




SELF-CONCIOUS 

"So you've sold out three 
dozen pairs of garters since 
morning? cried the lady 
customer. "I don't see where 
they all go to." 

"Neither do I," blushed the 
male clerk. — Whirlwind 



THEN THE FUN BEGAN 
He: "What were you doing 
last night?" 

She: "Oh, helping dad aroimd 
the house." 

He: "Drunk again?" 

— Green Mill. 
S 

POOR FISH! 

Girl in Canoe (knitting) — "0, 
I dropped a stitch." 

He — "Do you- expect me to be 
a purl diver?" — Stone Mill. 



DUMB! 
She: "O Algy, you English 
are so slow." 

He: "Er, I'm afraid I don t 
grasp you." 

She: "That's just it." 

Brown Jug. 




( 20 J 



SIREN 



AB^rER THE A\'<)MENS TRACK M1:1:T 
Him: Did yoii see Mazie run tlie (|iiart('r? 
His : What did she do it in ? 
Him: Darned if I l^now wliat yon call llicm. 

S 

oil lliese beastly Americans, always getting 
1hiiij;s haclvward, they say the Russian bally, when 
they mean the bally Russians. 

S 

He: \Vhat do you say to a tiaiiip roiind Crystal 
e. 
She: I never speak to them. 

S ■— 



Lake. 



Set the alarm for two. 
You and who else? 

S 

^\'isli (iod Jiad made me a man. 
Well he did. I'm it. 

S 



You have wonderful lips they would look well 
on a girl. 

They do (juite often. 

S 

.Tanice 1 have always told you the truth save 
once. 

AVhen was that, deai'? 
Just now. 

S 

AVe found a bat in our room last idj;lit. 
Anyone I know? 

S 

Do you know who built the ark? 
Xaw. 

S 



"What's the difference between a liair dresser 
and a sculptor?" 

"Ea.sy. 'I'lic hair dressci- cuils up and dies; and 
the sculptor makes faces and busts." — Garrjoi/lr. 




AN OLEFACTORY ODE 
In a quaint New England village 

On a clear October night 
A Swiss cheese factory owner 

Met a maid, whose throth he plight. 

Now he was tall and handsome 
In a Denman Thompson way, 

And she, oh my. was quite a queen 
She was so tall and gay. 

Now the Swiss cheese factory owner 
When he asked her for her hand 

Attempted to embrace her 

But for this she would not stand. 

"O why, O why, upon this manly chest 
Will you not lay your head?" 

She looked up into his whiskered face 
And this is what she said: 

"My love works in a greenhouse 

And there always is a smell 
Of violets and geranium 

Upon his coat lapel. 
Now mind. I do not blame you 

Nor do I make complaint 
But a greenhouse has a fragrance 

That a Swiss cheese factory ain't." 
— Shimshin Hagibor 



-S- 



WHO DOESN'T 
Flipper: "Don't yoii like 
Jack?" 

Flapper: "Yes, and lots of it." 
— Beanpot. 
— S 

OR JULES VERNE 
I've been reading some racy 
literature lately." 
"Yeh, what?" 
"Ben Hur." — Beanpot. 



IT'S ON RESERVE 
"Jack says he just loves to 
play with my hair." 

"Then why don't you let hiiti 
take it home with him?" 

— Mirror. 
S 

SOME FUNERAL 
_ ^Columbia Buries Amherst 
College at South Field — N e w 
York Herald, 

A great undertaking! 

— Record. 



( 21 ) 



SIREN 









Our success is built u|i on the care we take 
with your Kodal< I-'iuishiug. Worl< is done in 
our own slu)i)s. I<"'ilni in Ix'foro 8:30 is ready 
after 4:00. 



V'elox Prints- Coniiiletcly I'kiui|)i)C(l I'lant- 
Spccialists 



Strauch Photo Craft House 

Adjoiinn.c Campus at (i^f) S. Wrislit Street. 






Servant: "Tlie Lyons are call- 
ing, sir." 

Master: "Very good. Show 
them into the den." 

— Lemon Punch 

_ s 

AN INFORMAL RECEPTION 
A stud;nt entered a Hygiens 
lecture room when the class was 
half over. The Prof, did not 
recognise him, and thinking that 
perhaps he was in the wrong 
room questioned him: 
"Hygiene?" 

"Howdy, prof," retorted the 
delinquent one. 

— Widow. 

Returned For Adjustment 
Guide — "This tower goes back 
to William, the Conqueror." 

Tourist — "Why, what's the 
matter with it — isn't it satisfact- 
ory?" — Burr. 

LOCKET SIZE? 

He: — Saw iNIinnie with her 
new bathing suit under her 
arm. 

She: — "Is that the latest 
style? — Chappai-al. 




He: — Where in hell have I 
seen you before? 

She:^ — Dunne. What part of 
hell do you come from? 

— Jack-o-Lantern 



Prof after a very bad recitat- 
ion) : — Class is dismissed; but 
don't flap your ears when you 
go out. — Mink. 



"My, but he's conceited." 
"How come?" 

"He congi-atulated his father 
on his own birthday." 

— Brown Jug. 

"You probably don't re- 
member me, Professor," began 
the meek little middle aged man, 
"but fifteen years ago, you sent 
me over to the library to get a 
book for you — " 

"Yes, yes," returned the prof- 
essor, "and you got it?" 

— Jester. 



Manager (to applicant) : — 
" I expect you know all about 
geography?" 

Applican : "You bet. I was on 

the football squad at college." 

— Wag Jag. 



Anxious: "Frank, you are 
wheezing dreadfully. Is 
it asthma?" 

Frank: "Nope. I'm all out of 
breath trying to catch up with 
my sleep." — Juggler. 




( 22 ) 




Whitman's famous candies are sold by 



Urbana 

University Pharmacy 
705 S. Goodwin Ave. 



Champaign 

John Schuler 6*. Co. 
Arcade Confectionery 0- A. Thornhill) 



SIREN 



Dont be a "dead beat"— 

Read Your Own 

USEN 

College Humor 

at its best in the 

SIREN 

Have The Siren mailed every montli 
to the folks back home. It is svire to 
please them. Send it to that girl of 
yours. She will Uke it. 

The JIREM Mailed 

each month of the school year to any 
address, $1.75; local subscriptions, 
$1.50; Single copies, 25 cents. 

9 ISSUES 

Read Your Own 

SIREN 

And Know Your Stuff 




"I hear Mike lives in a bird of 
a house." 

"Yes. When I stayed with him 
the other night I had a room in 
one of the wings." 

— Chaparral. 



THE MARVEL OF THE AGE 

"You say you get music offa 
them sti'ings?" querried Silas 
Silo, as he gazed aloft at the 
radio antennae. 

"Yes, sir," smiled the affable 
operator "is there anything 
about the apparatus you would 
like explained?" 

"Yell, just how in thunder do 

you get a feller way up there so 

he can play on them fool 

strings?" — Sun Dodger. 

S 

Lynette: "Is Galahad crook- 
ed?" 

Garath: "Well, no; at least he 
wouldn't run away with a red 
hot stove." 

— Phoenix. 




( 24 ) 



SIREN 



When you are hungry eat at— 

The Stadium Cafeteria 

Robeson Building CHAMPAIGN Entrance West Sid? 

Wliere the best food is serv e d in tlie cleanest way a n d the price is right 

Real Home Cooking c. dodswo^rth ^^^^ 



FLOWING AX 1:AK FOK MUSIC 

Siiiilii: How's the liquor (luestioii in the West? -,, , ^. ,, , .,,, ,, „,„„. , . 

' ' . She (romantically) : ••Thev say the oceans roa 

• loiii's I who has iust returned) : No question at . „ ,, • ,. -i " ^.^ ■ *• 

■• ' * , , IS really the moaning ot its countless victims. 

:ill. Win-, in one town I was an, the water had tt / x- n v i.e. i ^ i a v 

' . , , . He (practicallv) : "Sounds nshv to me.' 

Ix'cii turncil oil" for a week and the inhabitants " *_S7 

(lidn"1 know it until they had a fire — Pel. 



A PARTICULAR STORE WITH A PARTICULAR PURPOSE 

The Illinois Union 

Military Supply and Service Store 



1 Military men will be pleased to know that this store 

! has been established to fulfill their specific requirements in 

I the way of new uniforms and militarj' equipment of all 

I kinds. The scale of prices wnW be that employed in all of 

1 our departments, namely, actual cost plus a small fixed 

' per cent, to cover necessaiy overhead. We can offer you 

I a very decided saving on this merchandise. 



i 

I 
I 
I 
I 

( 25 ) 



First Class Repairing, Altering and Pressing 
of Military Uniforms 



SIREN 



RELIAHLE AND EXPERT 

French 

Dry Cleaners 

and Dyers 




Hish Class Work. I 

Prompt Service. j 

Free Call and Delivery. j 

Paris Dyeing and j 

Cleaning Co. J 

Call Main 1744. I 
I 



AN" THAT'S NO IDYLL JESS 
Would yoLi ever consider 
SLiicide as an easy way to end 
all these earthly griefs and trials, 
iny dear Neuritis?" 

"Ah, Myopia! It would be the 
last thing I would ever think of 
doing." — Goblin. 



-S- 



Watch and 
Jewelry Repairs 

in 
THE CO-OP 



-.4. 
I 



EASY ENOUGH 

Wife: "Drunk again, Harry? 
Yon have broken the i)r(miise 
you made to me." 

Hubby: "Hie, n'ver mind, dear, 
'.sail ri". I'll, hie, make you 
'notlier one." — Sun Dodger. 

S 



ENGRAVING 



the 
like 



RARE BIRDS 

Rumb: ".'\t the Follies 
other night my eyes felt 
little birds." 

Dumb: "How come?" 
Rumb: "Flitting from limb to 
limb, m'deah lioy." — Phoenix 



A. G. Kirmse 

Complete line of chains 
and Watches. 










Welcome Back 



Try the 
White Line Laundry 

■ and 
The Laundry Depot 
on Green Street 



r\ F COURSE we know you will be busy 
^^ for a few days greeting old friends, 
rushin' an' eve'thing, but don't forget your 
old friends. 



SHOPj^on MEN 



White Line Laundry 



Harry .1. .Millard. 



M. G. Snyder 



( 26 ) 



SIREN 






You've tried the rest- 
Now use the best 




BUIL.T rOR BUSINESS 






It was another of those mavel- 
ous June nights. The old moon 
was full and peeking over a 
cloud — just peaking and soila 
rocked in the soft, balmy breeze. 
Dreamy, oriental fox-trots drift- 
ed out over the shimmering lake 
The sweet odor of lilacs per- 
meated the air. What a wonder- 
ful party. 



Yes, indeed! The National 
Association of United States 
Spinisters were staging an 
initiation. 

— Juggler. 

"1 want a loaf of bread." 
"White or graham?" 
"1 doesn't matter: this is for 
a blind lady." — Banter. 



NOT SO OLD AS HE SOUNDS 
Hobo 1.: "Why did you tell 
that woman that yoii met her 
hLisband on the field at Gettys- 
burg." 

Hobo 2: "Because it's the 
truth. He was running a sight- 
seeing bus and I was selling 
sandwiches." 

— Purple Parrot 



Main 226 



117 N. Market St. 



i I 



University Candy Company 



Wholesale Confections 



CANDY SUPPLY HOUSE FOR FRATERNITY STORES 



— let us fill your requisition. ! 



( 27 



SIREN 



FUA'NY ANSWEH NO. 108094 
Census Taker: ''How iiiaiiy cliihlren liave you, 
madam?" 

^[udam : "Fotii'." 

Census Taker: --All t(pj;fl lier?" 

Madam : "No. one a I a lime" — hslrr. 

S 



IN THE 1?()X 

Commulei-: "Well, m'di'ar. I've had a \cry try 
ing day. Yes, very li'yiiig." 

Comnmtess : "Biji; hiisincss?" 
(^ommnter: "No, jury duty." — Tlijcr. 

. i^ 

"How do yon like Pittsburgh?" 
*'Tt soots nu^ all riglit." — Puppet. 

y 

Dumb: "\^■ily does a divoi-ce suit remind ynii cil 
ruined lingerie?" 
Bell: -ril bite." 

Diunb : •■jfs the ripiiing ol' a combination." 
— I'lOifli Hinrl. 
S 






Welcome Back! 



BERT SPALDING'S 

GREEN STREET 

PHARMACY 



Periodicals 

Tobaccos 

Toilet Aiticles 

Drugs 



John: "Just burned up a flOO bill." 
Demijohn : "You must be a millionaire." 
John: "AYell. it's easier to burn them than ti 
lay t hem." — ( 'hapamil. 



j Corner Sixth and Green 



jUn tti iii> nil iMi m [|i> nil in nii iiu to Mi ini iiii nil in ni. in 44, .<)«n i.n nn nn nii 

I I 



Ice Cream - Sherbets 

Ices - Eskimo 

Pies 



♦ 



! I 
I I 

! I 

! I 



I I 

1 i 

I I 



I I 



I I 

I I 

I I 

! I 

I I 



T. M. BACON 
&SON 



Wholesale and Retail 

Paints, Glass 
Wall Paper 



Champaign Ice Cream Co. 






I i 
I — + +.1. 

( 2S ) 



Cor. Walnut and Taylor Sts. 
Champaign 



SIREN 



Laundry Cases 

One of the first tilings 
you will buy is a laun- 
dry case. It pays lor 
itsell many times dui- 
ing the year. We have 
the white and khaki. 



Buy your loose 
books here and 
money 



leaf 
save 



Knowlton 

and 

Bennett 



Minister (at close of sermon) 
"We will now sing hymn num- 
ber 389." 

Operator, rousing from nap,) 
"Tlie line is busy." — Goblin. 
S 

Auntie: "I hear that Bogg's 
cafeteria has failed." 

Toxin: "Yes, it was in the 

basement of a skyscraper and 

there was too much overhead." 

—Goblin. 

MODERN METHODS 

"Isn't there some fable about 
the ass disguising himself with 
a lion skin?" 

"Yes, but now the colleges do 
the trick with a sheepskin." 

—Dirge. 

8 



Nurse: "Well, it's a girl." 
Father (with keen foresight) : 

"And I just sold the porch 

swing this morning." 

— Mugwump. 






You'll need It 
We supply it 



Printing is something you all 
will want during the year. We 
are equipped to do it for you, 
and you who were here last year 
know how well we did it. 

Just as good, and possibly bet- 
ter this year. 



Marriott's I 

Print Shop j 

Up stairs J 

120 N. Walnut j 

Phone 1698 ' 

! 

1 
! 



The Best People buy their drinks at 

Schuler Bros. 

Our light lunches are delicious 

WHITMAN'S CANDIES 

In 1, 2, 3 and 5 pound boxes as well as 

An excellent assortment of our own Bulk Candies 



9 Main Street 



Champaign 



( 29 ) 






SIREN 



^ ^ „,_^y__« ■.-—■^.M— —.^rt •■ .11 r«i.^» A M« ■ 






THE 
UNIVERSITY 

STATE BANK 

of Champaign 

Capital and Surplus $60,000.00 



Located in the heail of the Univei'- 
sity distiict 

This l)auk is hei'e to serve you in 
the best manner possible. 

This bank was organized by Illini 
under State supor\ision to care for 
all Illini. 



I I 

i I 



i i 
I I 

ii 

I I 



I i 
i I 



I I 
i I 



PHOTO - ENGRAVINGS 

ETCHINGS 

COLOR PLATES 



You will be pleasnd by Iho 

surpassing quality of our 

work. 



YOUR BUSINESS IS SOLICITED 



G. R. GRUBB & CO. 

Champaign. 









Students — for high grade 
laundering try — 



"The Model Way" 



— You'll like the service 



Phone 1115 or mam 897, or leave your bundles at one of 
our following- agents: 



Illinois Pressing Shop 
Scott's Grocery 
University Press Shop 
S. D. Madclock 



502 E. Green 

512 E. John 

621 S. Wright 

502 S. Mathews 



MODEL LAUNDRY COMPANY 

.lis North Npil Street SUCCESSORS TO SOUDER'S LAUNDRY 



6 Taylor Street 



( :il) ) 






SUPERIOR FOOD 

Correctly Prepared 



Excellent Service 
Quick But Not Hurried. 
Desirable Surroundings 
and Satisfactory Prices. 



Twin City Cafes 



(We Never Close.) 



309 N. Neil St. 



621 E. Green St. 



SIREN 

FAIR ENOUGH 
Willie (excitedly) : "O Pop, there's a poor man 
crying outside; can I give him a nickle?" 

Pop (producing nickle): "Why, yes, it's mighty 
kind of you to want to give him a nickle. But 
what is he crying about?" 

Willie (disappearing through the door) : "Pea- 
nuts, 5c a bag." — 

Cafe Brtile. 

TIME TO FADE 
Side Show Cashier: "I need a holiday. My 
beatity's beginning to fade." 

Boss: "What makes you think so?" 
Cashier : "All the fellows that buy tickets are 
beginning to count their change." 

— Sun Dodger. 

SILLY CON 

111 the sweet silence of the twilight they lumey- 
spooned upon the beach. 

"Dearest," she mm mured tiembling, "now that 
we are married, I — I have a secret to tell you. 

"What is it, sweetheart?" he asked softly. 

"Can you ever forgive me for deceiving you?" 
she sobbed. "My — my left eye is made of glass!" 

"Neveimind, lovebird," he whispered, gently, so 
are the diamonds in your engagement ring." 



I 

[ 'VT''^'^^ WIU. find th' 
I quality of our light 

i lunches admired l)y the 

I most cxarfng — and our 

1 drinks are always delici- 

f ous. 







Prehn & Henningsen 



1 I 

I I 



i I 
1. I 
I I 



! I 



Green at Sixth 






IDEAL 

ARCOLA 

HEATING OUTFITS 



Let us repair or re- 
model your heating 
system. 



! 
4 

( .31 ) 



I The 

I Quality Plumbers 

I Apperson Bros. 

j F'hone M-7-3760 



Urbana 




The Happy Ending 

The play's over — the whole shooting 
match. Everyone is either dead or mar- 
ried. Now you can go home, to the 
really happy ending of the day — to read 
your copy of 

VANITY FAIR 

In Each Issue : — 



PAGES of photographs of the most care- 
fully dressed actresses and the most 
carelessly dressed dancers. 

REVIEWS of the latest plays, to solve 
the problem of what to see when in 
town. 

SATIRICAL sketches by Fi.sh and other 
artists, to keep you in touch with the 
follies of the world. 

HUMOR with a line you'll find irresisti- 
ble to female prom-addicts and home- 
town debutantes. 



SPORTS articles by men who have played 
on teams themselves, and motor pages 
by an expert. 

AN Auction Bridge corner which will 
L make your game a social and business 
asset. 

A-RT, life and letters served up in short 
1\. courses which will not jade the most 
delicate appetite. 

AND the only sensible, correct, well- 
. bred department of men's clothes pub- 
lished in this country. 



Wh 



ere s 



th 



Nearest News Stand? 




Which Type of Research 

is of Greatest Value? 

A stove bums too much coal. A man familiar with the princi- 
ples of combustion and heat radiation makes experiments which 
indicate desirable changes in design. That is research. 

You want to make a ruby in a factory, a real ruby, indistin- 
guishable by any test from the natural stone. You begin by 
analyzing rubies chemically and physically. Then you make 
rubies just as nature did. Your rubies are the result of research 
— another type of research. 

While melting up your chemicals and experimenting with high 
temperatures, you begin to wonder how hot the earth must 
have been millions of years ago, and what were the forces at play 
that made this planet what it is. Your investigation leads you 
far from rubies and causes you to formulate theories to explain 
how the earth, how the whole solar system was created. That 
would be research of a still different type. 

Research of all three types is conducted in the laboratories of 
the General Electric Company. But it is the third type — pio- 
neering into the unknown — that means most in the long run, 
even though undertaken with no practical benefit in view. 

For example, the Research Laboratories of the General Elec- 
tric Company are exploring matter with X-rays in order to dis- 
cover not only how the atoms in different substances are 
arranged but how the atoms themselves are built up. The more 
you know about a substance, the more you can do with it. 
This work may enable scientists to answer more definitely the 
question: Why is iron magnetic? Then the electrical industry 
will take a greater step forward than can be made in a century 
of experimenting with existing electrical apparatus. 

You can add wings and stories to an old house. But to build a 
new house, you must begin with the foundation. 




General Office 



Schenectady, N. Y. 

9S-60SHD 



« --K 







■^^■- i^ft^"^\-%-N^ vsN^vW* 



^ VWNX^^ •.■.-.■£. ^^ ft»W 



YOU WILL BE WELCOME HERE WHETHER YOU COME 
TO BUY OR MERELY TO LOOK. AND SHOULD YOU 
COME EVERY DAY, YOU WOULD FIND NEW STYLES TO 
STUDY, NEW APPAREL TO ADMIRE, NEW COURTESIES, TO 
APPRECIATE. 

KAUFMAN'S 



CHAMPAIGN 



FOUNDED 1879 



DECATUR 




I 



^' 



rr=-^ ,A YT IT 






Z^z~-.~rJ ^_ 



r— SI 



Here's the 

Notebook Paper 

you've been looking for 




Above — ruling 
Below — rulias 



is RIGHT — four spaces to the inch 
is too close 



Choose notebook paper that is ruled properly for 
writing. We cany only that ruled four spaces to 
the inch as shown above. Notice the writing 
overlaps on the lower page shown above. It is 
too closely ruled. Get the right kind of ruling 
when you buy paper. 

International Bond, three ring paper with four 

rules to the inch, 8 1-2 x 11, 100 sheets oQC 

It's the same paper that has sold for 65c. 



,|,„ „ „ ^ ,„, „„ „ „ ^ „ „ ^ a, ,a. 

I ! 

] Here's proof that this \ 

I is a real Illini Store j 

1 i 

j All of these people are 3 S em- j 

I i)loyees and all of them have 1 

j attended the University.Those I 

i with stars after their names j 

! have graduated. ] 

I i 

! "Chuck" Bailey J 

I Shelby Himes ■ 

j Rollie Laurence* « 

j George Zimmerman* ' 

I Walt Wessman* 1 

j Raymond Singer j 

' Edmund P. Cameron j 

! lOlmer Cook J 

! .1. Ellis Mann j 

I R. H. Gilson } 
I Carl Becker 

I .'\llen Zacher 1 

j Robert Parsons I 

Roy Eden I 

1 Sollie Cailson | 

1 Hobart Peterson | 

I Pernard Popel ! 

I H. P. Cope* adv. mgr. • 

I f 

I Don't expect us to stay open when J 

! there's a game. We want to see it J 

j as badly as you do. f 

! 1 

You'll find that we have any kind 
or size notebook paper you're look- 
ing for. 



•CHUCK" BAILEY 



STUDENTCUPPLYCT0RE 
'ervice f J avin_<$ f Jaiis/ac4ion 



606 E. Green St. 



SHELBY" HIMES 



,/ 




X 




This is you— at college 

SEEKING a symbolic figure to represent Knowl- 
edge, let us turn aw:iy from the muses of 
antiquity and the be-capped and be-gowned 
youth of our own day. 

How about the Football Player Tackling a 
Dummy? Isn't he typical of everything you do 
in these four years? 

You are the Football Player. The dummy is 
every knotty problem you tackle, every effort 
to earn your way through, every examination, 
every campus activity. 

Tackle the dummy hard, and j'cu'U be ready 
for even bigger tests in the game of business or 
professional life. 

Do not say about this symbol, "How clever", 
and let it go at that. It is worth nothing unless 
it reminds you to get the spirit of the Tackier 
into your work. 

By his earnestness he seems to feel the thrill 
of combat. With set jaws and muscles tense he 
plunges at the dummy. For him it is alive, and 
the practice is a means to win the game. 

I f you intend to help score touchdowns after 
college, here is a man to measure up to. 

'estem Electric Compam 

Since 1S69 makers and distributors of electrical equipment 



Number 22 of a series 



■uT 



SIREN 






Let Pictures 
Tell the Story 



KODAKS AM) SI l'I'l,Ii:S 
JIK.MOKV KOOKS 
I'HOTO KOOKS 
K\"i:XTS PHOTOS 



Strauch Photo Craft House ! 

I 

Adjuiiiiiii; CaiiiiPiis at (ilTi Smitli Wrijilil St. [ 

The Home of (lixnl hnduk Finixhiin/ 1 

I 




When you set out to vamp a Siren, slick up your 
wild locks with 



STACOMB 



Makes any old hair lie down 

Our line of toilet articles and accessories will meet your 
needs. Razors galore 

Thinking- about Christmas? 
Look over our stuff. Some line ! 

U. of I. Supply Store 



Green 



Wright 






( 2 ) 




Guests in "Quality Street" greet Whitman's 
quality group of distinguished candy packages as 
welcome friends. In any social gathering they 
give an added sense of sociability. There's magic in 

STEPHEN F. WHITMAN &. SON, Inc., Philadelphia, U. S. A, 



eating together. There's conversation stimulated 
whenever the hostess produces the Sampler, 
Salmagundi, Pleasure Island, or any others of 
the favorites in "The Quality Group." 



Whitman's famous candies are sold by 



Urbana 

University Pharmacy 
705 S. Goodwin Ave. 



Champaign 

John Schiller & Co. 
Arcade Confectionery 0- A. Thornhill) 



SIREN 



WOLVES IN UAMS'S (.Lcrdcxu 




ZUPPMEN 



NO CHILDREN, THESE MEN Po NOT 

BELONG TO ReliOious orders. 

MERELY ZOPPKES iVfiv 5WEflr SHiRTsI 




ARENCE LISHTWeiGHT 
(LOCKfff-ROOfl orator) 
flRMLV ftNNOUNCING THAT 
ZUPPKE CflINT GET ftWAY 
With THAT STUfF. "oNE 

Moke Raz;7 Ff?owi zup, anx) 

I I'll quit THE TEAM COldP 




Ei/ERyTHINO IS ALL 
FILLED UP euT THE 

Line . Coach is now 
Looking for tvpe of 

Mfll^ Too LARGE For 

A Horse (\nd too 
SMALL For Art ELEPHANT 




fERCWAL BRITTLE8ONE HAS 

Given a solemn -pRonise to 

Trie FouKS IN GRASS CRCEK 
TriftT HE WOULD SEND A 
-Picture ro them of Hirl- 

SELF \H rooTBALL •REGALI/^ 
AS SOOK ^S H£ mV€ THE 
SOUftD AFTER 3 WEEKS HE 
WAS SUCCESSFUL IN Boi?KOW- 
ING A UMIFORM. 



W.Lewis 6^ Co. 

Chamra'gn. 

A reliable and great store 

for University men 

and women 







( 4 ) 



SIREN 



The Yellow Parrot 

Showing That Even a Fowl Can Be Modern 



"Say! Mooch, will ya I -la think ycr a laiii|> 
post? Wadaya got two feet for? (io lioiiii". you're 
keejjing the suu out of my window I" 

The Poetic Looking Indiviihial with the long 
hail- and the pale face turned s(iuai'ely around in his 
tracks and gazed in stu])el'acti()n in Ihe dii'ection 
from whence the chattel'. 

Tlie chattering voice hec.inie whimsical. 
"Come on, please. I'll give you :i daisy to |iiit 
in your hat if you'll please shuttle." 

"By what manner of authority, may I ask, do 
you presume to order me ott' your street?" asked the 
Poetic Looking Individual. He had now found the 
source of the impertinence and was looking up in 
the window of the great white house of Miss Tahitha 
Steerhoof. Just inside the window hung a great 
roun<I wicker bird cage and inside the great round 
wicker bird cage, head cocked on one side and the 
visible ej'e fixed in a glassy stare was the yellowest 
parrot you ever could imagine. 

"I dou't have to have authority. If 1 want you 
to get off my street that's all the authority I need. 
Are you going?" The Poetic Looking Individual 
swallowed very hard indeed, he did, and then he 
said : 

"I don't understand just why you shouldn't want 
me on your stn-et. I am not making any nois(>. 
am 1?" 

"That doesn't nmtter. It's just how you look." 
"Why, I look all right. My clf)thes are i)ressed 
and my hair is combed and . . ." 

"Oh razzberries. I mean how you look with 
your eyes, not how you ap{)ear as to haberdashery." 
"Well! How queer you a le I What's the matter 
with my looking, then." 

"You have that T. (t. T. P. stare!" 
The Poetic Looking Iii(li\idual almost choked: 
"Th— the what?" 

"Say, are you dead? Shove ott' before I throw 
this cast iron perch at you. 
"U-but I don't understand !" 
"Understand what?" 
"AMiat you mean by T. <i. I. P." 
"Aw, tliat's the moniker us girls give to the 
fi'ills an<l the puddle-jumpers that paddle around 
with a look like the Mona L. on their faces, mean- 
ing: Thank (!((d I'm Pure." 



••Well of all things!" 

"Veali. Think tliey're fooling pe((]ile. I'ut on 
the 'Look at me— I'm wi.se to everything but I'm still 
virtuous' front or the "Look at nm. I've never heard 

a dirty word in all my life. I'm i -eut .-ind nice' 

facade and strut ai'otiud with it where peojile can 
see 'em. Now you for instance . . ." 
"1 refuse to be insulted!" 

"Ho! Ho! you even persist in weai-ing your mas- 
(pierade even when I'm telling you about it. d<i yon? 
You're ,-1 Zin<-o]i aren't \(iu?" 
".V whaf/" 

"Ziiico]!, stupid! Zinc and copper. HKASS. get 
UK'! You put on your mask and then ]iersist in 
wearing it when someone whispers \<uir name in 
yoni- ear . . (io away, you make me dizzy!" 

"Say. you're the niosi iiu-(i|iereut cT-eature I ever 
heai-d of. Are you trying to talk rough, be wise, or 
bawl uie out? For heaven's sake talk sense!" 

"1 li.iven't any sense. Tliat's what makes me 
■ yellow." 

"What color woiihl you be if you had sense?'" 
"Ulack." 
"Why black'/" 
"I'd be dead." 
"How morbid !" 
"Yes, but the reiucaruation !" 
'•Do you beieve in that ?" 
••Sure. I'd then turn into a gold-digger!" 
"Why a gol.l digger-/" 
"It's comiiensatiiig." 
'•\\'here would you prosiiect?" 
".Mich. .\.ve. Chi." 
••I don't understand you." 

••Well, I'd take the l.irnish olf the gold coast, 
see. I'd lay U\v the hip jiocket .(ohiinies, take 'em in 
tow. lift the i<.ll, ;t]id Hit. sabe?" 

The I'oetic Looking lndi\idual could not bear 
any more. He had reeled and swooned right thei-e 
on the brick sidewalk. The ]>oliceman who had 
called the ambulance, reached u]i to jiet the parnd 
through the big wicker bars and saw that the bot- 
tom of the cage was covered with a page fnmi the 
SIRIjN and wondereil wli.il Miss Tabitha Steerhoof 
could |)ossibly be doing with such a m;igazine in 
her house. 



( 5 ) 



■^ 







"Slumming?" 
"Naw, goin' t' woik." 



I 



SIREN 



Guess What 



l>\ ('IIAR1.es ]•]. XoYKS 

Being a Revival of the More Familiar Game, Adapted for College Students 



The scene is almost any classniom, ilic tirsi day, 
with tlie inevitable occupants. 

The Prof: It is customary to explain a course at 
the bejjinniug, so we shall devote our time this 
morning to that purpose. The title of this course 
is — ? Anyone? 

(A Iiand is raised, linii<lly. I'rol'cssoi' points and 
nods, encouragingly. ) 

Voice: (Attached to hand ) English !!.'), a-z. 

The Prof: Yes — lini — yes. You understand that 
the description in the catalog is for purposes of 
classification only. >y'ow the actual nature is — .yes? 

2nd ^'oice : i Fi-oin one who read the catalog) 
Study of (>. Henry. 

The Prof: (In mild i-ehnkel Hm — well, not 
unite. (). Henry is our starting jioint, of coui-se, hut 
our actual interest i.s — d<ies anyone lliink what it 
might be? 

Profane voice: In getting credit. 

TheProf: (smiling to show liis appreciation I !!| 
Ahem I AVe shall hope that is not quUr all, at any 
rate. Most of our time will be devoted to a consid- 
eration of the mystics of the South Sea islands — 

( A long whistle, under some one's breath. Prof. 
Ii'owns.) — which Professor Sec says have influenced 
the well known author of — anyone? 

1st A'oice: (). Henry? 

(The Professor shakes his head and indicates 
another hand I 

3rd voice: Alexander Comstuck. 

4th voice: Frederick O'Brian. 

Profane voice: (Jilda (li-ay. 

Professor: ( Bewildered 1 What? What? Xo. 1 
don't tliink so. Well, perhai)s you wouldn't know 
tliat. It was — (sees a hand I — YesV 

Eager \-oice: Shakes])eare? 

I'rofessoi-: ('{'his is raniiiiai- ground again, 
thougli of course such tli|i|i;in<-y is not to be toler- 
ated. He ignores the speaker) It w.is Al .len 
iiings I meant. He is famous for — ? Anyone? 

1st voice: Being in jail. 

Profane iiiulertone: Stealing iiennies from 
blind men's cniis. 

(Langhten 



Professor: What? What? 1 didn't catch lliat? 
(Silence) 

Professor: Doesn't anyone know what Al .Jen- 
nings did? 

(Profound silence. Etc. Etc. Till the merciful 
bell.i 

II 
Same scene, two months later. 

The Prof: Now our lesson for today is — ? 

Voice: Pages 148 to 11G9 inclusive in Crayton's 
History of Prehistoric Oceanica. 

The Prof: Very good. Now I realize thai the 
assignment was perhaps a trifle long — 

Profane voice: Y(ni fell 'em, dry-as-d\ist ! 

The Prof: (frowning se\ei-ely ) Hut yo\i liave 
had tiiree full days to cover it. making only ."UIO or 
400 pages a day. 1 won't (piiz yon on all of il, be- 
cause 1 wish to say a few words about the tribal 
customs of the inhabitants of Figiwawa, so I'll jtist 
ask a few (piestious here and there. Now can some- 
one tell me the connotation of the passage on i^age 
77(> beginning; The native priests — yes? 

Subdued voice: The native priests recommended 
head-hunting as a relief from over-population, and 
at times used this to secitTe the death of certain 
])ersonal enemies. 

Profane voice : Hear ! Heai- ! 

The Prof: (ignoring this i Wn\ good. And 
llieir method was to take a poisoned — 

l-'nd subdued voice: Spear and hurl it down the 
throats of their adversaries when their mouths were 
o])ened to consume their native beverage. 

TheProf: Quite so. (Waxing facetious | That 
method would hardly work in this country since 
the passage of the ISth amendment, woxild it? 

(The class laughs, dutifully. The Prof, laughs, 
too. I 

The Prof: (hw moi-e (|Uestion. The nalixc name 
for their weapon is? 

The class: (In trained chorus, though light on 
the Im.ss) Bollabelaberroba. 

The Prof: That's fine. 

(And so he goes on with the lecture, and the 
talking ami the sleejiing make another hour. I 



( 7 ) 



SIREN 







Nocturne in Greek Letters 

" — illiil Jill! Ilic |i;issi\c lip I kiss'd 
How iii.iiiy kisses il iiiif;lil laki' — 
Mini t;i\('!" 



-v. .11 (l(.?" 

•■Vrs, As|,h.Mlci, I csllv I il..:" 

"Sill v hoy — iimsiri !'" 

■■|!iil, As^iliDiic'l. wdii'I yon s;iy fiooil iii^lit '.'"' 

"'rii;i(s' not what yuii were talking alioiit." 

"I know it isn't lint il means the same tliiiij;." 

•■Why. wlial's Ihal ■.'" 

••Dues Asiihodel like me?" 

"(>h, you men are I he silliesl lliini;s ami these 
lijihts on loo!" 

•■Can'l we say i;ooil nij;hl in sjiile of the Iij;li1s'.'"' 

Why. yes Coo.l .\ij;hl." 

••(>li. I'll admit we can say il Ihat way bnl do 
we want to?" 

"I don't know bnt doesn't Ihat ehange tlic 
snii jecf '/" 

All this was, of eonrse, preliniinary. I knew 
that I would kiss her good night, and she Icuew it. 
It was almost social eti(iiiette to do so. Tlie assmiie<l 
reluctance w;;s social formula, just as was the way 
she looked into my ej'es, and at the proper moment 
elosed hers. So be it — I kissed her. Do not assume 
that I was thrilled. I wasn't. Neither do I flatter 
mvself that she was. This, let it be observed, is the 



A-^ tWe cViange due to oinfic\pat\Qv\ of coa\ s.V\ortagc? twentieth century, A. 1>. 

"(iood night. Asphodel." 

"(i 1 lught, I've had a loxcly time." 

"(! 1 night." 



Poly. Sci. Seminar 9:24 A. M. 



— TrKULTININIB. 



Queer Thoughts 



lienl heads. P>enl brains. Slee])y. lishy, glassy, 
red rimmed and hallinast lidded eyes. Yawns. 

Kesiless chair creakings. Impatient tread of stnde 1 wonder 

librarian trying to lind texl for longlocked. avid On these cold days when the snn shines 

IMii Hater. A sneeze. More yawns. lOntrance of Does the sun shine without feeling like it — 

l«o slinkers. Ipbobbings of heads. Tense atmo .\s 1 langli somethiines, without feeling like il. 

sphere. Slinkers subside. I'eut heads. I'orlly . I nsl because it's the I ime an<l place to langh ? 

|)rof spills rack of refei-ence cai-(ls. l.illiimtian And 1 wonder 

commotion. I'ortly prof gives snickering slinker If when 1 langh willionl feeling like it. 

(lirly look. Again beni heads. \'awns. j-'aiiit 1 am as disagreeable as the snn these days 

aroma traced to slinker a powdering liei- nose while And if my laughter is as weak and pitiable as it 

giggling to handsome actor in ne.\t chair. Hell. . cold r;iys today. 

Scutfling feel. Handsome .iclor grabs stinker's | wonder, 
books. lO.xit. —Young Kay. — D. D. 



( 8 ) 



SIREN 



The Professorial Incubus 

John Frrshiuan Has a Xii/Jit Marc 




WOW! 




What's wrong with this picture? 
Ans. — The megaphone is superliuous. 



Yeller Shoes 

A Kentucky Ballad 

I 

It wez clown in ()lc (May County 
Wher th lieavy iiKinntaiu dews 

Settles down upon tli hollers like a rain; 
Ther th ole men likes ther licker 
An til young nns hits tli booze: 

It's a hind fer men, by (iod, an only men. 

II 
(He Jess Fil]iot wuz as scjar a man 
As ever ye couhl cinHisc, 

If Iie'd only leave tli moon-lighl i th jars; 
r.ul 111 eveniu thet I seed liini 

He'd jist Ixuight some yeller siioes. 

• An iiis hlusiiin nose uz i)inted to tli stai-s. 

Ill 
He us standin by th hitch-rack 
Pore th Flat-crik generl store. 

Spittin baecer in th hosst rough, slow an sad : 
"Tell ye what," he says "I'll tell ye — '' 
All he s-tops an squirts s(une more. 

■•I'm 111 two men in this couiiti-y what is liad." 

W 

.list then up stejis Young .Matt Barley, 
Full o iKiiiie-uiadc corn an joy, 

'•l.uck like this," he says, "(hui't never come in 
two's." 
And without no interduction, 
lAlluz wuz a keerless boyi 
Ips an spits or. (^le Jess Filpot's yeller shoes. 

^^ 

AVal, we scattered fer the lire-works. 
Hut it didn't take em long. 

Cause they both coubl bust a button, twenty 
yards. 
AVheii ther guns hed got through talkiii 
.\iid th lead ud sang its song. 

We come back an fouu em cliiuhin like ole 
]iards. 

VI 

.less uz set till on .-i soapbox 

Holdiu .Matt lorke<l in his arm. 

J'umi>iii bullets in a (Iroopiii curly head. 
\\e jist let him go on shoot in, 
I'er we couldn't see uo liaiiu — 

In a niinit both uz layiii still' an dead. 

— L)(uuild F. Lafuze. 



(9 ) 



SIREN 

The Temple Tango 

('i)iiic |p|iink voiii- iKirps, ^111(1 |ihiv vonr nwccI sack 

iiilts. 
And I will ihiMcc willjuiii ii|)iiii llic ruts; 
AVitli all llir li-ii)al tiiaidciis. wild c.vimI niiills. 
(iarlu'd ill ihcir clioici'st sliicijilcd la I da liils. 
T!u' stiilV tlu' lalhcrs use iiiioii the liiils. 
Then while 1 dance each maiden iniiiid nie si ruts 
\\'ea\iii^ her arms ipiainl Lilipiils. 

J'.iit daiicin<i's hard in army I Is ami |iiitls. 

My lej;s are wnin. my feet are lull id' ciils. 

Hut say. (the j;reat door <d' the temple slowly shuts i 

This i-liyiiiiiin diet inu;iry"s (|iiite the lints. 

—A. 



BALLADE 

OK 
Syr Haffe A Tonne 

By 

Tukulti — Ninib 





^\x Jlusiaucf 
ipasmtmlmanu 

3Xxm 

UmichciitPijfitiiiill 
UDtnJcbalglxt 



trylupstrcpts 



Kejjfj'*' 'I'l*^ stund)k'd a little (Ui a small pelild 
"Come on, ])ick up yer feet I" 



The myii.sti'elle's shout was liiuli and holde 

And the toi'ch-Hare si'leamed mi the waij;('ai-e cold 

And the wine cups Itrvnimed to the dales of (dde 

("iicled the couvtlie riuge. 
Deepe rang the pledge in the arches high 
And the mailed knights strode clanking hy 
Fayre and talle yiid ln-;ive toe die 
The dethe for the Lord, thyr kinge. 

(lay was the rexcl ami fa ire to see 
Uut who. Oil. who may the ma.Mlen he 
\\'i;iit!i like, wan as the niistie .sea 

liy the dyeinge of the moon? 
Close to the kinge'.s Iiie throne she creeps 
And ])ale. Oh. pale are the maiden "s cheeks. 
l^>iit red, (Hi, red are the words she speaks: 

She ciaxclh the Ivinge's boon. 

Loud <lid the her.-ild triimiiet hlare 
l.oiicl and clere on the hiisl'ied aire 
e. "Now. llo for a knight toe doe ynd dare. 
Toe ryde and suffer longel" 

( 10 ) 



SIREN 



Ynd three loiige moons wci-e far agoue 
AVhanne sadd the niaiden came alone 
Ynd stoode toe niak ye wistfiill moane 

"Alays, Ye brave Syr Knight I" 
(Noo, Mary Mother, send hym grace) 
"He niett Syr Xnsiauce Forde toe face 
Hys bodie lys in ye parking space — 

Curse onne vtt, wvkked wiulit!" 



Alays, Syr Sparrow's grave is greene 
Hee sleepeth far ynd cold, 1 weeue 
And evrie dale is ye villain seen 

Who wrought thys dredful deed. 
And the knights ynne the liall are blanclied 

with feare 
And thyr kinge's worde tliey may not lieare 
For toe avennge Syr Sparrow's biei'e 

Ynd deale tlie rouge liys iiieeil. 



Ynd wlianne Syr >«'usianc(' clatteringe came 
Thys wortliie Icnighl l)estirred hys frame 
"A boon, Syr Kinge." Sir Sparrow crydde 
"1^0, by tiie woundes in Jesu's side 
Yponne tliys quest I sweare toe ryde, 

And right thys maiden's wrongel" 
For toe avennge Syr S]>arrow's shame 

"Slid s(|uarlie in tlie road he halts 
Syr Xusiance saw and laughed "Oho — 
Tlie Kinge's knights doe fatter grow 
I'll knock thys varlet for a row 

Of olde Egyptian catapaultsl" 
I A i)ox u])i)()nne Ye, Traitour vilei 
Syr Xusiance smole a wykked sniib' 
Ynd slilie shifted gears tlie wliile 

Ynd trodde yponne the gas 
Ye Forde upreared and charged doinic 
Syr Haffffe A Tonne dyd lurn liyni roniuh' 
Ynd sette hys shoon and fround a froun 

Ynd waited for ve smash I 



"Ye cravenue (h)gges" (jiioth ye kinge, 
"Ye doe well to lye whimperinnge. 
Avyse and ende thys rtivveringe 

•I speedie sootli 
Ynd carve thys minion froe hys Foi-de 
Ynde swatte hym with ye goode liroadswoarc 
Else wull 1 cann ye froe thys b()r(h' 

'1 (iodde's trntlil" 



Ynd tiianne arose Syr Hatllfc A Tonne 
Broade and rounde as ye goodlie sonne 
Ynd wyde and thickke as ye hous of brickke 

Ynd spoke tliese wordes sweel 
"Ho, worthy Kinge, hear my worde. 
Als I lian gleaned tliys niei-rie l)oai(l(> 
iirante mee thy boon toe swalte Ibys Foi-de 

^'nd scltc li\in doon to eal. 



l<^)rth onne the morrow hee dydd fa ire 
Ynd three ellse br()a<l hys shouldei'U were 
Ynd broader moe he was elsewhere 

T sooth a miglitie tub 
Ynd hies liym toe ye i)road hicway 
>Viiere Xusiance Hyvveredd e\(Mie ibiie 
Ynd washed the i)assinge time awaie 

Jn a tlaggonn froe tlie piilt 



Ynd whaune ye horrid diiin liadde diede 
Ynd wlianne tlie duste ha<ld cleared aside 
Syr Harte A Tonne thikke and wide 

Dydd strowe a battered heap 
Yt never was Syr Xusiance founde. 
Save one snialle grease spotteOn tlie gi-ouiKh^ 
I A fittinge ende for the liounde 

Yn Helle does liee wee]).) 

Ynd londe and longe dydd tlie rexcl lioble 
And a kinge's daughter dight ynn golde 
Espoused was toe tliys knight soe bolde 

I All fayie was sliee ynd sweet) 
"I ban doiiue niie dutie manufullie, 
Xoo lette ye blacksmyth summoned be 
l''or ere I take thys bride loe me 

I erst woulde sitt yiiil eat I" 




( 11 ) 



SIREN 




i". Tkiccs, lulilor 



l\. H. I'"(i\\ i.KK, liiisiiii ss MdiKif/cr 



j:.\cli;uij,'f Editor, Kiiiiilall Diiipi'll. Art Editor, Koliert F. Goudall. 

Contributing Editor, Frnncis ('dujililin. Art Statt': Ted Carpenter, Kutli Dixon, Joiin 

Editorial stair: Keen A. liatlcrty. Don Aili-n. < "o\i<;lilin, Don Pronty, T. V. Bo)irland, Helen Hot- 
Helen IlreliMi. Charles Xoyes, Dunald Lal'"\i/,e. Allan linger. 
I». I'arsdns. Contriliuting artists: Ed Kershaw, Beatriee 

Ivlitiirial ConI rilintors : Kuherl Seaman, Ber- Cook, Bealrice Adams, (ienivieve Haworth, -laek 

naril I'opel. .Inlielte Armstrong. Sam O. Sliapii-o. Ha/.lehnrst. 

■I. A. IvKrni Circutatloii Maiiuf/cr 

1\. .1. Weker Foreign Advertising 

Bi i:t Hritn Local Adnrtisiin/ Mgr. 

I'ublished monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during tlie college year. Entered as sec- 
ond-class matter at the postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by Act of Congress, March 3. 1879. Office of publication, Illini 
Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 113 Uni- 
versity Hall, Urbana. 



Homecoming 

Now that the boys have polished the trophy cups 
again, waxed the floor to a dangerous glass-like sur- 
face, dusted off your pictures in the chapter room 
and have assigned the frosh to their bunks in the 
coal bin for the time being, we wish to welcome you, 
again, fellers, to this institution which nursed yon 
through four years, more or less, ol' human devel- 
o]iinent. 

Yon will lind things changed, no doubt, — perhaps 
not as changed as you yourself have changed . . . 
but the essential things to be noticed ai'e the things 
which have not changed. Xot the least among them 
is the spirit that supports championship football 
teams, builds two nullion dollar stadiuinsN. and 
draws seekers for knowledge from all pai-ts of the 
globe to partake of the excellence of the edncitional 
advantages here. 

( 



The daj's are not long until we ourselves will be 
returning to see the boys and the profs, and refresh 
our memories of the physical appearance of the old 
place. We hope that yon will he as highly pleased 
as we ourselves wish to be pleased when we return. 
We shall do our best to make you glad you came, 
even as we want to be glad when we return to the 
old haunts in the near future. 

, S 



How Disarming; 



"\A'e view with mirthriil appreciation Boni & 
Liverighfs advertisement of Ben Hecht's "Gar- 
goyles" : A 'devastating' novel by Ben Hecht, the 
author of Eric Dorn, has just been published. We 
refuse to join the Lily-l'aiuters' ITnion by adding to 
this statement one note from the paean of praise 
that is already being sung all over the country." 



12 ) 



SIREN 



We are reminded of the petting paradox reitorted 
in the annals of the Scout loug ago: 

"Oil I Get away closer I Your liaven't shaved 
and voiH- whiskers hvirt so nice I" 

Or, in Aristophanes' "Birds", you might run 
across that delectable bit in which the Chorous of 
Birds completely and unconditionally agree to enter 
into a debate with one of the Utopia-seeking Athen- 
ians if tlie judges agree to give nil tlio points to the 
Birds in case the Athenian loses .ind in case he 
wins, the Birds are \u lia\e a iiiajufiry of judges" 
votes by one only. 

B & L are in despair at using superlalives but 
it is apparent that they still have hope. 

We're not criticising "Gargoyles" but if you 
sliould like to see a super-concentration of the 
Freudian incubus over tlie head of an author 
read it! 

S 



Lem Phillips 



Wet Sparrows 



As (lid Big Ben's Hiawatha wlien, "He cared not 
to be seated so he stood and cogitated," — even so 
<lid I before the Ai-cade. 

But unlike Hiawatha I did not cogitate on tlie 
maidens — No, it was the men this time. 

Time was, indeed, when your student walked 
with a wide, rolling strut, with an air of free and 
full-fed insolence about him, as though he were 
under no foolish illusion as to his true worth among 
men and things. And if, perchance, he should stand 
very high in contemporary valuation — well, there 
was no denying the obvious. For one thing, it was 
not scientific. 

But now, alas, the campus Lothario cringes by 
in a cramped and craven phobia as though some 
malignant and imminent deity were momentarily 
expected to deal him a terrific thwack over the 
shoulders. Dear me, I thought, is it possible that 
the ancient bogey of "Raising-Tlie-Standards" is 
even amongst us? Or is this quest of the recoudite 
in abstruseness too fearsome for our youth? More 
1 niiglit have pondered, to what high end no one 
knows, had not the colored philosopher of those eii- 
\irous remarked as he swabbed the window, "Deni 
dudes am afered to show dey neck "n so dey liitclies 
erlong all scrunched up like." 

►So profound was this observation, and so in 
accord with the observed facts that I made haste 
to shrug my own shoulders craftily and dodged in 
for a coke of enough caloric deficiency to wash away 
the taste of logical deduction. 

— T.-N. 



Tlirij (irv not loin/, till- ir<-i/iin,/ (mil tin In in/htcr, 

The Love, dctsirc, and Jinh ; 
McthinkH tlicy have no portion in u.s <ift<r 

We p<ixf< till' (/ate. 

The world lost win n !>eiii i'liilli])s died. It had 
bruised liim and beat him down l>iit it couldii't loiich 
his heart. Lem went (»ii singing, and at last 

"AW'iit down, rosecrowiied into the darkness. . ." 

Lem's poem "To Pain." recently published in 
the mini with the story of his death is the essence 
of this courageous spirit which lingered awliile 
among us, gave us his love, his line passion for noble 
thing.s, for beauty and then took Fate again by the 
arm and went on. 

Lem's poetry burns with a clear while Hanie in 
its intensity and in its delicacy. Lem loved 
humanity and understood it. His songs and lyrics 
will live with the fortunate few who knew him ; 
those who have to know him only through his works, 
the richness of his personality will not fail to toucli. 

Surely the University of Illinois, — perhaps the 
world — has lost a jioet who was sung by those who 
knew him well as "another ilasetild, another 
Brooke." 

The Most Interesting Person 

Sonietiines I think I am growing absent-minded. 
. . . And then I take heart and have high hopes 
for myself. 

I pass a figure on the campus which speaks and 
nods as it passes. I am very glad indeed if 1 do not 
recall until well in the thi'oes of the next lecture 
that this figure once sat next to me in Ec, or Soc. 
or Polly Sigh 2. Not that 1 am a crabbed and 
anchoritic young person. Not at all I The point is: 
I believe in such moments that I have found within 
my own mind greater things and far more iuterest- 
'ing phenomena than are presented by a hurrying 
panorama of campus similarity. 

So I very frankly envy the professor, who can 
stare at me unseeing — all the while fighting the 
battle of Kadesli perhaps, or fondly working over 
the documents in some mouldj', old muniment room. 
And is he not to be envied for not seeing and re- 
calling the contentious and bombastic young ass 
who disturbed his disijiiisition on the treaty of 
Nijmwegen by asking what difference it ma(h> 
lanyway? 

—T.-N. 



( 13 ) 



SIREN 

An Informal Introduction to a Formal 



TonUjhf is Tin- Utniittl. Tin- Ut.r'i is to cull at 
pre l)(lls and K< ii lias just inicri/rd jriiiii I Ik IxiIIi 
lull IIS Hi;/ I't II nil llif ilnsxir salriii nli/ jiniiilx to 
'l.-l'i. I'ccW'ci. xtiulioKs (111(1 Ion;/ siiffrriiif/ room 
unite, is ii/i to his (/ciicroiisl 1/ proport ioiicd (iirs in 
(■(ilciiliis irlo II Id II liiirsts into the stiuli/ room icitli 
his I'dlin (Hire ill one hand nnd I'icW'ii's pel loircl 
ill the other. 
Ki'ii — ((ilancing at clork i 

Great cats, gee wlii/.z, who's j^oi tlic time? 

That clock is on Ihc hlink or Tin .... 
J'ccWei^ — (Aroused ) 

I'i|)i' down. Yon nnl, di v ii|i, sit down. 

I')it on some dollies, yon craz.v clown. 

Just "cause you've got a date tonight 

Thai doesn't give yon any right 

To start a riot. Say. thafs my towel. 

(Exasperated) 

Don't stand there blinking like an owl. 

That taxi's due to dock at live 

So shake a leg, show you're alive. 
Ken — (Leisurely and independently) 

i'ull in your neck. (Then) Say if yon please 

I'ay back that suit of bvd's. 

(Ken finds and s(iuirnis into Ihc jirodigal gar- 
ment. Finally. ) 

Say PeeWee lend me your silk socivs 

T can't wear tliese loud things with clocks, 

I've got to look my best tonight 

(Softly and tenderly and witii a reminiscently 
smile) 

I love that little girl all right 

Oh man, she's nice and sweet to me. 
I 'ee Wee— (Devoutly) 

Oh gosh, go out and climb a tree. 

Von're soft. (}o get inside some clothes 

^'on can't go that way, goodness knows. 

N'on are a lish. Great stars above 

I thank the Gods I'm nol in love. 
Ken — (Adjusting the hosiery so that a hole will 
remain below shoe level ) 

You're jealous PeeWee, have a heart 




AVhat time am I supposed to start';" 

PeeWee — ( Deserting books ) 

You're wild, man, acting in a trance 
Come on, jmt on the striped ]iaiits. 
That's line, now where's the pleated shirt"? 
Look out, don't drag it in the dirt. 
Say when have yon cleaned up this room"/ 
I cleaned it last. 

Ken— (Slightly peeved) 
Aw, can the gloom 
We'll lix that np some other day 
(Unyieldingly) It isn't my turn anyway. 
Hel|) fix this stud, the sucker's stuck 
ril bet I bi-eak il, -Inst my luck. 
Just |insh it in and twist it ( I'eeWee fol 

insti-nct ions ) 
Gee! 

Oh Hoy thai almost linished me 
lint I don't caic in two more hours 
.\li<l lanterns diinn)ed and fragrant flower 
I'nconscious of this world's alarms 
With Heaven's dioicest in mv arms , . . 



loW! 



( 14 ) 



SIREN 




Dave Felts 



illustratioaS~Vy-Rutk L.Dixon 



PeeWee (Paternally and <j;rinily) 
Unconscious suits yon to a T 
Pull off those tags. Don't let folks see 
Yonr Tux is rented. Turn around 
Those pants are dragging on the grdund. 
(Ken pulls them up half a foot) 
Aw let them down below your knees. 
Let me adjust them (PeeWee takes cliarge of 
suspenders) you're a clieese. 

Ken — 

AVhere are my punii)s? I'll get that Frosli 

He didn't rub them off', oh gosh 

The poor old kicks are sleek and green 




AVith carbolated vaseline. 
Say PeeWee give thise kicks a shine 
I'll get my hands all greasy. Fine. 
(All goes well for a time — tlieii) 
Say PeeWee you're a likely kid 
Why don't yon Tall in loxc? 1 did. 



Pee^A'ee — 

Ye Gods, Yon Fish, five minutes till 
You haven't any time to kill. 
Forget her till Ihe music starts 
Then have yonr comedy of hearts. 

Ken — (Offering tie) 

Say tie this PeeWee, will you, please? 
You're choking, but I don't care. Scpieeze. 
Pull the ends out long and thin 
Slie likes the corners snuggled in. 

Frosh — (Downstairs ) Ta.\i ! 

Ken — Make it snajiiiy kid I 

I'eeWee — (Holding him) 

Say keep still won't yon, where's yonr lid 
Your Tux and gloves and fancy vest 
Yonr hanky, mints and all the rest".' 

Ken — ( (Accepts garments from I'eeU'ee and di 
them on his tigure) 
At last I guess I've got them all 
I'll grab my topcoat in I lie hall. 
Thanks PeeWee for the liniciy aid 
Some day I'll buy a lemonade. 
(Ken hurries out door, dow iisla Irs iiiti 
PeeWee slumps down into clmir an<l 
unseeing at his calculus. . . i 

Pee^Vee — He's went (Tnrns pages absently I 
(lee Whizz I've lost the place 
My stars, that was an awful chase. 
He'll have a night of Heaven on eailli 
< »f dance and ]ilay and childish mirth 
And while I toy with x and y 
He's living life, the lucky guy. 
He gets the thrills, 1h(> moon. 
What do I get'.' — A lenn)mide. 



taxi, 
tares 



maid. 



( 15 ) 



SIREN 



Up Hill and Down Dale 

By Riff Raff 

In Which More Phenomena Is Uncorked 



.Iniic 10. Arrived in Cliainiiaiiiii, Illinois, jil'lcr 
:i shiiil. iiiicNciiHiil lri|i. S;i\\ iiolliilij; of sciciililic 
interest oliicr tli:iii two liockiis woiins tij;litiii}; over 
the ciirciis of ;i ilinfiliat wliicli IkuI inadvcrlaiill.v ex- 
]iirc(l aloiii; the lii-liway. (iy lliinUs llic liockus 
worm is a I'ci-iniau aii'inal. I iliscoxci'C!! loilay. 1 
haslcii Id inroi-iii liini that it is tiiiilc iiii]iossil>l(" that 
it lie a iialivc of I'mic! I am (|iiilc sure 1 saw tlicm 
lirsl ill .Mi'soiMilamia. (it was I who (liscovcri'd llic 
worm. I mi.ulil say. i At that lime iImmc were lif- 
It'cii of llicm luniini; iiaiidsiiriii.us in llic liack yai'd 
of the Kind's castle. When t licy saw me approacli 

iiiu they immediately si 1 \\\> on their tliifd and 

fourtli legs (a ]>eeiiliar cluii-acteristic of theirs I and 
emitted a sound not tinlike that of onr own seven- 
eared Kanieladckayway (rnn.jahis Cathartis). 

Chaniiiaiiiii is a very pfetty little <ity of twenty 
thonsand. It is noted for its I'liivcfsity. which has 
an enrollnieiit of two thousand students and six 
thousand who go 1o class. 

The yonnj'- men and women ate divided iiji into 
clans known as fraternities and sororities. The ad- 
vantage of stich an arrangement is that members of 
the diflereut clans may live in one house where they 
may have their tights and indulge in occasional 
swearing away from the public eye. 

"We have pitched camp on the outskirts of the 
city, near to a little farm house. As 1 write I can 
liear the housewife singing, no doubt as she goes 
about washing the evening dishes or changing her 
baby's clothes. The song she is singing is a plain- 
tive little melody — so characteristic of farm and 
home life. I am printing it here for y(ni. Notice 
the gentle, swinging rythm and the siinide, clinging 
intonation : 



Justinia says that she would rather go with the 
man who only rents jiis dress suit — and have him 
spend the difference on hei-. 

S 

Sl,-iitx liiiik Itnigrr noir, but tlic iiicii tloii'l. 







Down by the river — sleep, baby, sleep — 

Boils a little still, baby — sleep, baby, sleep: 

The sooner you're asleep, baby. 

The sooner I can go 

And see what's in the still, baby — 

Go to sleep, go. 

Is not that beautiful'.' 

Tomorrow we shall arise at the first stroke of 
the sun and be olV for the state of Ohio, wliere we 
expect to find mudi of the greatest of interest, 

S 



Man's jihicf is ill lite Ikiiiic — ;/;//// lif litis hud tiiiK 
ill sjiiirr ill till iiKiniiiiij inii/iriii/. 



-S- 



If Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast-, 
why not sic .Music on the saxaphone i)layer'/ 



It's iieculiar how some of the best families lian.u 
around Shan Kives — just |iickin,!; iiji such crumbs .as 
they niay. 

( 



//(■ III nr sjiiiki' til iiif initil I lircniiir il clil.^ 
ifl'ii-i r mill iijti r Unit I iim r s/inki- in liiiii. 
To pun is liuniiin. to forgive il is divine. 



Ki ) 



SIMPLE TO THE COMPLEX 
Rain makes the flowers grow, furniture nialies 
the piano shine, and Isature turns tlie leaves from 
green to brown in autumn. Look what four years 
in scliool did to Susie! 




at First— 



Campus Notables 

The Journalist — Who reads voluminously and 
turns up his proboscis when someone unlettered 
otters an opinion on contemporary fiction or the 
like. He believes that he is among the foremost of 
the literati, the intelligentsia, etc. ad infinitive, yet 
.lie never takes his L. C. Smith in hand to write any- 
thing for the university publications. 

The Law Student — Pi'actices diligently in his 
room on the correct contortions for his cane. He be- 
lieves that he is being legal when he gives evasive 
answers, beclouds the issues with lengthy, mean- 
ingless words, and argues over technicalities. He is 
ever ready to debate on any subject, giving you the 
choice of the subject and side. 



SIREN 

—and Now 






After all, I never sleej 


) when I have time to loaf 


For 


if I sleep how am I 1 


) know lliat 1 am hiafing 


and 


if I don't know it, \vl 


at satislaclion is thei'c ii 


it f( 


V me? 





( 17 ) 



SIREN 



HOW IT FEELS AT FIRST 



Fuzzy Walks Among Us 

Whereupon We Learn Something 
About Ourselves 

'I'lic lirsi iniinlh of um- i;rciit I iiivcrsily ('(iuca- 
lidii is now coiiiplt'tcd : 

iOver.v day we see: I'rej) scjiool debutantes who 
!ire not quite as sure of the potency of their stuff; 
Staid seniors cai-ryiiisi their si>nro trousers to lie 
I'cpaired ; 

Sopiioniores striijijiiiui; and tlouiidcrin^ in tl;e 
role of politicians ; 

Ho])eful Junioi-s lininj; n|i dales and diatjs f<ii- 
licliets to tlie I'l-oni ; 

innocent tisli lieaniinj; nndiM- liie <;lanior of 
frcsji (lit pledge ril)l)ous; 

Acclimated middle-class literal i certain of their 
collee and their hose; 

(''omj)lacent V. G.'s, free for I lie day. hlearily 
eyeing the gyrating panorama ; 

Self-satisfied landladies resting on front porches. 
ICmbryo activity men affecting the hustle of hig 
Inisiiiess. 

Oane-hearing ^ lawyers. ]isychologically on a 
voyage ; 

Freshman sisters who have relimiuished, with a 
sigh, their predilection for fancy sundaes; 

Naive blcssoms from the bush, dizzy from the 
glare of a thousand eyes; 

Fish on Fridays, and apricots on n o]i]-ovocatioii 
sit all: 

Class caps hanging in closets, senior lials all out 
of joint : 

Dancers who can't tell tympani from tlengcl 
iiorns, and have given up trying: 

Snobs who tind they can get snublied as good as 
they give ; 

Three minute dressers noclialantly sirolling 
late into eight o'clocks; 
Kisses are like a certain brand of cigarettes: Laugnid, languishing seniinai- l>eanti<'s ogling 

they're mild and yet they satisfy. for late afternoon cokes; 

Tiiat worn out phrase, "sweeter than sugar," is And tired freshmen doping their cheinislry lind- 

losing jls llavor among Ihe i.eople of the better ings, and their letters of account home. 

taste. i^ 

Dead iettei-s leli no lales! Making ends meet is not so diflicull, said the 

ITs loo deep for nie, as llic frosji said wiicn football coach as he. looked a I lln- mass of linma nily 
I'egisiciing in swimming. draped in a hea|>, 

I.ilV is jnsi one dam lliing afler ;iiiolli('r lo Ihe Isn't it peculiar, as Ihe olVicer on the range re- 

consirnclioii engineer. marked that a rifle says pop no matter who it 

If "bre\ily is liie soiil of wil" tlien judging by lail^s lo. 
Ihe new slyles girls aren'l so fnnny as lliey nsc.l Those who believe thai w.-iter was made (Hily 

(„ 1,,.. to wash in slnnild live in ihe sand dnnes for awhile. 




( IS ) 



SIREN 




As Riley Would Say — 

A blessing on thee little girl 
With your coiled enticing curl, 
With your silken rolled down hose, 
And your short transparent clothes. 
With your unclothed back and knees; 
Lips of scarlet, eyes that tease; 
Hair cut short in jaunty grace, 
And your makeup on your face. 
From my heart I wish you joy. 
Glad that I was born a boy. 

— D.C.A. 



]v\-"l)7 li;is I'oinid lliat ;iii old 
swiH'tlu-ai-l of his still works for 
Ml-. Bell at the t('l("|ilioiie otVicc. 




This is ail 1\. O. (). ( i., takiiij; his 
daily sail in the briny honcyard. 
The iiisf riiment lielil in his month 
is the r('fo.i;nizeil insignia oT his 
organizalion. 




Have You Had Your 
Irony Today? 

See the lady. 8Le is fat. She is 
made olj semicircles — her arms, 
her cheeks, her doiihlc chin, her 
waist. Her hands arc so |indgy 
she can scarcely close them : her 
fat spills over the tiglit skirl hand 
at her waist. She UH)ves slowly, 
heavily, i)ouderonsly, painfnlly 
grnnting and ])uffing. Her arms 
stick ont from her sides; her legs 
(laic from the to])s of her shoes. 

The lady is buying a liandmrger 
sandwich ! — D.D. 




■\,tol. : 



I'rof. /n zn, |isychol(>gy, has 
c(nn(' lo the crest of the w.nc in 
his oi-ation on his own |iai-t icniar 
])anacea for social ills. The strik- 
ing thing about I'rof. Zuzn is that 
iiis hair moves symiiatlietiCJilly 
']■ with his histrionics. 



( 19 ) 



SIREN 



Pedigree 

By Helen E. Brehm 

1 ilciii'l lio.-isl of my ;niccsloi's 

And rniiiilv I fee ,iiiil t liiiifis 

All liciii^li I W-.u-c iM\ rorclicMi-N li.ick 

'Pd caM,;!-.' hcails and kin-s. 

Kiu'j, (iciiruc I he 'I'liiril ami -Icssc -laii 
Wi'i-c rclalivi's of minr; 
.My molhci-'s folks wciv Kallikaks— 
^'lMl kiidw llial ramuiis line? 

( »ij lalhcr's siilc, yiiii liml I lie •lutes. 
'I'licy'rc milcd loi- I licir siii 
-VikI my riicic l']li Wliiliicy 
Mailr some raimins colton yiii. 




.\ nick pile is mir cual <ir arms 
With liclds (if hai-s anrnml ; 
(>nr lamily ]i(ii-1raits you will liiid 
III liallcrics i-cikiwikmI. 

(>iir lamily tree is sai<l lo hcai- 
Tlic cliiiiccst brand id' nut. 
I never mean to li(iast nv lira^ 
Or Ite eoiieeited, lint — 

The V. \'\ V.'s and I). A. IJ.'s 
I »iiii'l lia\'e a tliiiii; (in me. 
<>li. Woodniau, take my alcohol, 
Bwi spare my family tree. 

S 



Add Inventions 



Silvia Sliver, who entertains frequently, is just 
starting back to the drawing feeling very pleasani 
and languid and vampy. She has just taken a shot 
of Old Taylor from the patent, side light celleret on 
the wall. "So convenient," savs Silvia. 



H was during homecoming. The stranger ou the 
caiii|ins paused as a bevy of red-cheeked co-eds 
]iassed liy. "Xow". he mused, "Now, I know why 
these persons are called the Illini tribe. They are 
always playing Indian." 




The throng crowded around the scafl'old, where 
'the <iiniijial Avas standing somewhat nervously. 
The young jnofessor, absent minded of coui'se and 
slightly near sighted, stepped up to the sliix'ering 
individual. Thinking that be was a<blressing a 
friend who accompanied him In tlie scene of the 
e.xeclltion, he (pierieil, '"What are yon going to do 
'this afternoon?" The criminal smiled on seeing on a ten minute quiz. 

the i)rofessor, then re|)lied: •'Oh, don't worry. Til Oh, that we, too, might have done these things 

be hanging around." of which thou speakest. 

( 20 ) 



IN THE OLD DAYS 

Jloratio Steelbeak has just received a i)altry (" 



I 



SIREN 




—AND ANNETTE 

Oh Nancy's quite a deai- (•(xiuettc 

As ever waved a cigarette, 

Or managed well an amourette. 

But I forget .... there's Annette. 

An athletic girl — Minette. 

She swims and sails the rivulet. 

And s])orts a ilasty silhouette. 

ily deep regrets .... there's Annette. 

And Isabel a rare liiiinette, 

A Spanish comb, a casta net, 

A billowing red chimiseltc. 

And yet .... there's Annette. 

An<l so I'll i)ip(' my flagolet, 

Although it isn't etii|U('tte, 

To those above a fair (puirtette. 

Printer inset .... "there's Annette."' 



-A2r). 



Summer Resort Impressions 

The cries of tlie birds in the forest: 
The trail tlii;t \\inds and turns; 
The dead h'a\cs slowly falling. 
And the scattering daiii|) of the ferns. 

\iu\ a hotel pDrcli wlieie women sit. 
And knil 
And ta.t 
And knil. 

The spatter of rain on the water. 
The hot sweet breath nl' the |>ine. 
The clouds that wrinkle the heaven 
A fantastic white design. 



ise villi I wii." ;i lid play 



And liieli who, "K; 
All day 
They ]day 
All dav. 



The star that glows in the twilight. 
The swallow's joyous grace. 
The nH)on a i)ale, wan lo\cr 
A\Tio kisses the water's face. 

And pe<i]ilc will) crowd the narruw walk 
An.l talk 
And talk 
An.l lalk. 




What did you say'.' 

Nothing ! 

T know', but just how did you say il this liiiie".' 



-W- 



.inst liecause a man has liis sliirls inade 
airplane linen and writes on p(do cloth 
no sign that he's an atlilcle. 

The tailor lias many a pressing eiigageineiil 
grocer many a date. 

Lite is a continual grind . . to the hand 
ist and the scissors sharpener. 

( 21 ) 



nit "t 
H is 



SIREN 





Vanity Fair Discusses the Fall 
and Winter Overcoat 

The guard's coat still remains the most popular type of overcoat for 
Fall and Winter town wear. Whether it be made in heavy or lightweight 
material. It always hangs well and gives that neat well-fitted appearance 
that smartens a man up in a way that no loose hanging coat ever does. The 
principle differences between a guard's coat and a great coat ulster are that 
the guard's ocat is a trifle shorter and the collar is cut like that of a dress 
overcoat, instead of like a storm collar on an ulster. The heavT-weight guard's 
coat is generally made in dark blue or dark brown chinchilla cloth, lined with 
satin. For top coat wear it should be made in homespun or covert cloth with- 
out lining except across the shoulders. There should alweys be a breast 
pocket and cuffs on the sleeves. 

If you are interested in any question of dress or etiquette, write the Well 
Dressed Man Department, care Siren and your letter will receive prompt and 
careful attention. 



It is a wi.so man who knows iiiofi' titan his 
5»arlH'r. 

The old i"ict who wrote, "rtill many a Hose w;is 
liofii to liltish tiiist'cii," iicvcf li\(Ml ;tt niiiiois. 

< >iii- idi'a of Ilic lici.ulit of opt itiiistii is ^oiitj; to 
.'III lioiif exam wilhoiil slinlyinjj; in the Iioih' tintt tin* 
^lyoi will cut. 

A co-cmI is know II li\ the lipslick she ttscsl 





( 22 ) 



SIREN 



ONE OF THE BOYS 





A vei' 
tiiK'tive 
suggest 
it'wclrv. 



FASHION NOTE 

y pretty i\l\';\\v — tnily dis- 
for iinisic students. We 
tinv silver cowbells for 




ARKLE FUGUE IN A FLAT 

I must average A this semester 

The world is grey outside 

The day is cold and dark and dreary 

A bird goes winging south 

The rain is cold and wet and drizzly 

The shows are rotten and the dates 

are worse 
I must average A this semester 

POP A. COWE. 



The curtain, reading "Asbestos" 
has just been lowered. 

"Shucks, I've seen this darned 
show before!" 





Movie of '2(i coming home from 
a date in Urbaua on a moonlight 
night. They turn oft' the street 
lights on a moonlight night over 
there and take in the sidewalks 
at 9 o'clock. The trouble is that 
the trees keep out the moonlight 
so you couldn't find the sidewalk 
if you wanted to use it. 




( 23 ) 



SIREN 



I 



Ice Cream - Sherbets 

Ices - Eskimo 

Pies 



<«> 



SANITARY 



Champaign Ice Cream Co. 

Main 175 2107 



The Best People Buy Their 
Drinks at 



Shuler Bros. 



Our Light Lunches 
are Delicious 

Whitman's Candies 



In 1, 2. 3 and 4 pound boxes 
as well as 

An excellent Assortment of our 
Own Bulk Candies 



9 Main Street 



Champaign 






Ci)-(<ls (in III Ihrri' kiiKls. Ilir pifs. thv jinuh's Heaven pity tlic one who is alllictiMl with in- 

iiiid tlir jKily. soniiiia dnriiig a liistory h'ctnre. 

« s 



Now we have ear rings on all tlie belles. 

Tiie pipe conise is not always Velvet. 

Johnny, when we have been standing here in 
Be Frank. li( Earnest, hut ahtny^ all. Br Your- the doorway has it ever dawned on you — 
.v,./f (lood gosh no I You'd never let me stay that late. 



All good things coiiir to hint irlio iraits — o)i 
tailcs in a Rit:: hotel. 



-S- 









%;^:^^u^ft^ 



33-35-37 MAIN ST. 



CHAMPAIGN 



"Central Illinois' Greatest Clothing Store 
for Men and Boys" 



I 

i 

Specify ] 

on your partv order ! 

I 
I 

Berryman's I 

j 

Purity Bakery \ 
Goods I 



and you'll be pleased, both 
as to quality and service. 




Special attention to I l-'rcddic Ims ahcidy aiMiiiircd 

F^-aternity and Sorority I the • <c)llcoc" sccnci v and tlic ac- 

Trade. I coinpanyiii"- attiludc Me is 

! stiidyiufj- the tiiiietalilc in-c'iiai-a- 

Berryman's Bakery I 

213 South Neil. f 



loi-y to I t'tiirniiifi liDiiii' for llic 
wci'k ('in! to knock tlic natives for 
a row of iiitcliin^ jiosts. 



SIREN 

I 1 

I QUALITY I 

i an,! ! 

I SERVICE I 

I I 

I 1 

j ARE USED BY US J 

I GUARDEDLY i 



1 \\'itli ns tlicv signify sonic- 

I tliinji (Ictinite which may be 

] fully depended ujion Ity our 

I patrtins and wliicli also have 

f behind them the name — 

I 



Apperson Bros. 

Plumbin and Heating 
Phone 7-3760 __ 120 S. Race St. 



We make it RIGHT and deliver j 
it ON TIME t 













PhcJlo Engras^ings j 
E^rcKmgs 
Lolorptates 

Incfispensable io ihe 
Successful 
EnienyrisG 




I I 



1 I 



( 25 ) 




That particu- 
larbitofCloth- 
ing that will 
suit you best 



Robcrti-W-cks Co. 

Come in and hear the radio 



'elvim 

CLOTHES SHOP 



530 E. Green St. 



SIREN 









University Pharmacy 

Fred J. Prison 

We have everything a good di'ug store should have 
We Deliver 



Soda Fountain 



Telephone 7-2112 



505 S. Goodwin 



I 
I 



Rose Barber Shop 



513 S. Goodwin Ave. 



Hours, 7 a. m. to 8p. m. 



J. Y. Rose 



Do you give your clothes a close 
inspection when they are re- 
turned from the cleaner? Have 
some cleaned by us and then 

"Look it over." Service 



Gordon's 



Cleaning 



Pressing 



511 S. Goodwill 
I ' 

( 26 ) 



7-37(14 



I 1 

I , I 

! Your Greeting I 

J Cards i 

I 1 

I I 

! for the coming holidays « 

! should he selected now to 1 

1 insnre your gettino- wliat you I 

I want. ' ' I 

I 1 

I We have two extraordinary J 

I lines from which you can j 

! make selections in lots of f 

1 10 up. 

I 1 

I DANCE PKOGRAMS 1 

I 1 

J irill also he our sprckiltj/. j 

I I 

I 1 

I Marriott's Print I 

! Shop 1 




SIREN 



For Your Party 






120 N. Walnut 

Over Campbell's Restaurant 

Phone 1698 




I ( )iir all the year around stuck 

1 or PARTY FAVOh'S and 

I ni:<'ORATIO\S will solve 

I your party problems. Varied 

j according to the particular 

I seasons, with always some- 

! tiling new and attractive, 

= yon will find here the neces- 

I saries to make your party a 

j success. 
I 



Knowlton 

and 

Bennett 









SUPERIOR FOOD 
Correctly Prepared 



Excellent Service 
Quick But Not Hurried. 
Desirable Surroundings 
and Satisfactory Prices 

(We Never Close) 



I I 



I 1 
1 I 



I 

I 309 N, Neil St. 
1 



Twin City Cafes 



HIGH GRADE 
LAUNDERING 

•THE MODEL WAV 



-you'll like the service 



621 B. Green St. I I 
I I 

( 27 ) 



Model Laundry Co. 



Succi'ssors to Souder"s Ijaniidry 




The Ha 



ppy 



Ending 



The play's over — the whole shooting 
match. Everyone is either dead or mar- 
ried. Now you can go home, to the 
really happy ending of the day — to read 
your copv of 

VANITY FAIR 

In Each Issue: — 



PAGES of photographs of the most care- 
full}' dressed actresses and the most 
carelessly dressed dancers. 

REVIEWS of the latest plays, to solve 
the prohlem of what to see when in 
town. 

SATIRICAL sketches by Fish and other 
artists, to keep you in touch with the 
follies of the world. 

HUMOR with a line you'll find irresisti- 
ble to female prom-addicts and home- 
town debutantes. 



SPORTS articles by men who have played 
on teams themselves, and motor pages 
by an expert. 

N Auction Bridge corner which will 
make your game a social and business 



A 



ART, life and letters served up in short 
L courses wliich will not jade the most" 
delicate appetite. 

AND the only sensible, correct, well- 
. bred department of men's clothes pub- 
lished in this conntrv. 



Where's the Nearest News Stand? 




D E M 4 O .-/ E r- E 



6«i 



Word Mongers'W 

tHATTERINC BARBERS" 



"Word mongers" and "chattering barbers," Gilbert called 
those of his predecessors who asserted that a wound made 
by a magnetized needle was painless, that a magnet will 
attract silver, that the diamond will draw iron, that the 
magnet thirsts and dies in the absence of iron, that a mag- 
net, pulverized and taken with sweetened water, will cure 
headaches and prevent fat. 

Before Gilbert died in 1(503, he had done much to explain 
magnetism and electricity through experiment. He found 
that by hammering iron held in a magnetic meridian it can 
be magnetized. He discovered that the compass needle is 
controlled by the earth's magnetism and that one magnet 
can magnetize another that has lost its power. He noted 
the common electrical atti action of rubbed bodies, among 
them diamonds, as well as glass ci-ystals, and stones, and 
was the first to study electricity as a distinct force. 

"Not in book, but in things themselves, look for knowl- 
edge," he shouted. This man helped to revolutionize meth- 
ods of thinking — helped to make electricity what it has l)e- 
come. His fellow men were little concerned with him and 
his experiments. "Will Queen Elizabeth marry — and whom" 
they were asking. 

Elizabeth's flirtations mean little to us. Gilbert's method 
means much. It is the method that has made modern 
electricity what it has become, the method which enabled 
the Research Laboratories of the General Electric Com- 
pany to discover new electrical principles now applied in 
transmitting power for hundreds of miles, in lighting homes 
electrically, in aiding physicians with the X-rays, in freeing 
civilizaton from drudgery. 



G e.n er a 1 #1 E le cffc r i c 



'a\ Of 



OS 624 H B 



COmpdliy Scfiene.tad^.Mr 




The Xezv Hook of 
Bradley Styles 

Bradley nmkes Sweaters and 
Scarfs, Toques onrfTams. Gloves 
and Hose, will and sturdily knlf, 
to mfpt the college man's — and 
girl's — ideas of good ralne and 
smart style. Jnst drop vs a post- 
card and we'll he glad to send you 
a copy of the new Style hook. 

Address: 



Sail or skate or ski; pull a stroke oar or captain the varsity 
football; be a grandstand looker-on, or "'jook-worm" it through 
life — you always need Bradleys. 

Bradleys save your street and classroom clothes; they keep you 
warm and set your body free of the restraint of tailored coats; they 
yield to the most violent exercise, and stand-up under hard wear. 



i-wo i- 







IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIl 







Every Man's Stationery 

0/c/ Hampshire Band and Vellum 

Yoiril liiid Old lliiiiii)sliii-e social statioiicr.v sciisililc and suitable for 
every ])iirpose. Whether your letter is to a coJlfMc Irieiid or the Queen of 
i:;n<;lan(l. Old Hanijjshire is always right. 

Hond and Vellum ;ire in three sizes: lni]MMial or Sciiii IJnsiness, Koyal 
(Mid) (f(dded) and Kej^eiit or Note Size ( folded i. Talilels in liolli I'.ond and 
Yelluiii in four sizes. 

In hnlk an<l in ([nire boxes ( I'ajieteries I : 

(^lure bo.\, -X sheets and enveloix's 1'h- 

125 sheets iu bulk §1.7.". to .l;i.'.()0 



Now 3S Stands for — 

SENSIBLE SOCIAL STATIONERY 



Have us print, engrave or die stamp 
your name or crest on your stationery 




^ ;^ ))^utoir^iHjylij#l:oir^(( /^ 




"CHUCK" BAILEY (10(i 10. (Ireen St. SHKLIiV III.MES 

II iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii 1 nil iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I I mil I 



NOW LISTEN QUIETW! 



You don't need to be 
hit over the head 
before you'll see a new 
idea. 

You don't need to be 
assaulted and battered 
into a grin of approval. 

You like to smile at liv- 
in<». You have a taste 
for Art and Drama and 
Letters. 

^ ou're keen for sports 
and motors. You're a 



good working model of 
a citizen witi 
terests. Aren't you"!" 



citizen with leisure in- X \ JL 




Then Vanity Fair 
is made for you 
and your kind. 

Vanity Fair be- 
lieves that it is 
better to be gay 
and gracious than 
sad and sullen. 



That Golf is as 
important as 
Lloyd George. 

That an Ingres 
painting is far 
more inspiring 
than an investiga- 
tion committee. 



r 



ead 



VANITY FAIR 

Vanity Fair makes a direct appeal to people who want to enjoy life — not 
just consume it. Whether you reserve it for a quiet evening, snatch at it 
between classes, or study it under cover of your note-book at the lecture on 
Early Christian Thinkers, it will interest you and entertain and amuse. 



VANITY FAIR opens the horizons of the 
Lanipus to a panorama of the larger life. 

THE STAGE ? All the coming shows are 
forecast — ail the new ones criticized — by 
pcop'.e whose judgments you can trust. 

ART? The new. dynamic, stimulating — 
products of men who give their work the zest 
of youth. 

SPORTS? Motors, tennis, golf, baseball, 
covered by writing sportsmen and illustrated 
by unusual photographs and drawings. 



LETTERS ? Every month the contents page 
carries the names of a dozen famous authors, 
writing in thai easy, intimate manner they 
adopt for Vanity Fair. 

SATIRE? rieiity of it— humor with a bite- 
witty with a dash of acid. 

PORTRAITS? \'anity Fair prides itself on 
knowing every lovclv, brilliant or bizarre 
woman in the world, and priming her photo- 
graph, 

CLOTHES ? What gentlemen are wearing 
for the different functions and occasions of 
modern life. 



35 cents 



S3 a year 



two years 



SIREN 



SUPERIOR FOOD 
Correctly Prepared 



KxcelU'iit Si'ivice 
Quick But Not Huii'ii'd. 
Desirable Surroundings 
and Satisfactory Prices 

(We Never Close) 



t CREED 

I I sli:ill iic\cr niiiirv. 

■ ir I iiKin-N ;i slim i-cccl-liUc sxliil, with ••j;i-;ici- in 

• cvcr.v iiiovcliiriil . cii;!!-!!! ill I'Ncrv pose;" slic will lie 
j an ;iii<;iil;ir cinnci;!!!'!! Iliiii;; :il liirtv. siilijcci to 
clircinic roMs Miiil ciic'si liisonlcrs. 

11 1 iii:iii\ .1 |i|iini|i, well rdiiinlcd sort i>\' u ^ifl 



I 

1 

I 

] illiil li;i\c the :i |i|ic:ir:llic(/ iil ;i s:ick ol wlit'ill, 

I 1 sli;ill nc\ci- iiKirrv. 



■ilii' will wi'i^li :i ji-w iHMiiiils less iIkiii ;i tmi at forts-. 



-D. C. A. 



This is a Lie, Bill 



j Twin City Cafes j 

I 309 N. Neil St. 621 B. Green St. ! 

I I 



DUKE & COTTON 

Cave Barber Shop 




D □ 



s.\'risi-.\cT(>in' si;i;\i(' 

For llic -Men Wliu Caiv 



."):!ll i;. (liciMi S(. 



Cliaiiiiiai.mi ! 



I 

I I 

I 1 

( 2 ) 




Particular 
Clot fling for 
Particular 
Men — 



Gehirrs \ 

C/CIOTHES SHOP i 




Shoes. Which kind gets you 

there the quickest? 

Two college men were walking down the road, 
when a classmate whizzed by in his car. 
"Pretty soft !" sighed one. 
Said the other, "I"ll show him. Some day 
I'll own a car that's got his stopped thirty ways. " 
The more some men want a thing, the harder 
they work to get it. And the time to start work- 
ing—such men at college know — is right now. 

All C|Uestion of classroom honors aside, men 
would make college count for more i f they realized 
this fact: You can buy a text book for two or 
three dollars, but you can sell it for as many 
thousand — once you have digested the contents. 
This is worth remembering, should you be 
inclined to the self-pity which social comparisons 
sometimes cause. And anyway, these distinc- 
tions are bound to be felt, even though your 
college authorities bar certain luxuries as un- 
democratic — as perhaps they are. 

The philosophy that will carry you through is 
this: "My day will come — and the more work 
I crowd into these four years, the quicker I'll 
make good." 

&na 1S69 makers and distributors of electrical equipment 



Number 23 of a series 




J'AVW."^/"".^. 



\\WRiyWVWWA' v'v' 



v^ 



>W^v O.V 



ojVie^ 







,\v>- 






RIETY 




Everybody's taste has approved the 
Sampler and chosen it as America's 
foremost candy. It contains selections 
from ten favorite Whitman's pack- 
ages which can also be purchased 
separately. It appeals to the taste 
for quaint, dainty things. 



^ 'A' /. 

a// /'"■-''"■ 







hvtrt^3^^5 t.'^^^^e af": hcTeat cave. 



This book-shaped box bound 
in green and gold has a list of 
contents inside the cover differ- , 
ing from any other package / 
It has proved an assortment per- f 
fectly selected for many tastes : 
, The Library Package is an ap- 
''j propriate gift for many folks 
and many occasions. 



-"' m "'sfincr , 

'"'°''ie»'t'"°"^^''ocor'"'^ «■" 




Whitman's famous candies are sold by 
Urbana Champaign 



University Pharmacy 
705 S. Goodwin Ave. 



John Schuler & Co. 
Arcade Confectionery 0- A. Thornhill) 




Special 
Illittois 
Package 



SIREN 



the 

dadaists 

will 

conceive 

the 

January 

issue 



I El 



( S ) 




ED)TOR 







Hot Fish 

Hy R. S. 

Last iii,t;iil :il Icii 

I took lici- lioiiic 

Today 1 have 

Desire to roam 

To Arctic lands 

And take delislil — 

Wiiat I coidd do 

IN A SIX-MOXTH XKillT! 

S 

The Submerged Ten Percent 

'i'lic sloiy is 1ol<l III' a sci-iiiiis ('icniiaii student 
wild toiled jonj; at liis liooUs. and witli sncli i;oiid 
foiiniie tliat some time before the end of tlie term 
lie kiM'W ]irecis('ly wliat tlie Ndliimes meant. 

Tiiis scholarly son), lia\inii- little else to do. lie- 
tiionj^lit liinisolf of liow lie slionld sjiend his leisnre 
moments. 

He visited a vast nnndier of charming i)laces. 
He i)hilosoi)hized witli his friends. He drank lieer. 
read Kant and Fichte. and in jicneral did what he 
might to uplift and frnctify his placid soul. 

Still time hnng heavily on his hands. So heavily 
— he had not mastered the American art of grace- 
ful loafing — that he cast ahont him to find some- 
thing more to do. At tirst nothing occurred to him. 
He coidd not take np duelling for he was a rotund 
and slow witted person not given to siiarp and con- nothing unusual; 1 cut it as fi-e(|uently as cut rules 
tentious ])ractices. Moreover he was a solemn young will iiermit. The obvious reasons are: I was sleepy; 
man so that the ]iranks of reveling students in the 1 was not at all interested in tiiis eight o'clock: I 
old college town did not interest him. Finally, after wanted to cut it. P>ut now I com|>ute ou my lin- 
lie had slowly turned over the whole matter in his gers. and my calculations are not assuring for I 
mind, he resolved to take an unheard of step. In have only three cuts left, and the semester is long. 
short, lie would go to class. And go to class he did. I wonder what tuition is at Heidelberg. 

The worthy liar I'rafrssor was in s)ilendid spir- T.-N. 



its. He stood forth ami descanted on the theoi-y 
of the course iu line, i-oiiud, robust, (ierman wiu'ds, 
the like of wliicii we do not lia\c in lOnglish. His 
chubby face grew rnbiciiud behind its great glasses, 
and tiny drops of persjiirat ion ajipeaicd on the good 
Dorkfur'.s honest bald head, for lie lo\cd to dilate 
on his subject and expound it at great length. So, 
with the greatest good will in the world, he beamed 
lliiu his disquisition, full of fads and niar\clous 
in solid learning. 

Hut alas, (uir schollard was nonplussed. He w,is 
absolutely at sea, foi- the II err I'mfcssar, like all 
professois had his set way of jireseuting the course. 
Moreover the Iciiiied Docklur was not witlunit tiiat 
heavy professorial wit, so devjislatiiig to undergrad 
nates. And, nnhapjiily, he was this morning In his 
most jovial mood. 

(>ur student was criisiied. His ideas were hor- 
ribly mangled by the new presentation. His outline 
of Hie course was c(mi])lelely ruined. He did not 
recognize oih' single guide jiosf in the wilderness of 
new material. The unlucky youngster tried nobly to 
lecast liis work on the new plan, but too late. The 
danmge was done. When the dread examinations 
came he flunked dismally. 

Therefore, we are told, he resolved never again 
to attend any class whatsuexcr. As a result, it is 
said, he took high honors, and lironglit great credit 
on himself and the Inivcrsity for his pi-oround 
learning. 

1 cut niv eight o"(iock this moi-niug. Thai is 



( 7 ) 



SIREN 



Note — A Vital Function of the College is the Development of Individuality 




-JUl/^ 



Rotarian Rambles 

liriiii/ (I srrii'x <if (ihscrral ioiix tiii Intdcs /irrxDlix. 
\i\ Trivn/ri -NiNiD 

TAILORS 

TMiliirs iiif ciiiili' persons. They tell me aiiiopos 
of iiolliiiii;. tli.il I slioulil \v(';ir long stripes on dark 
clol lies lo coiicenl iiiv ^iiili. 

Now 1 ,1111 not \aiii, I trust I am not foolishly 
alisorlicd in details of personal adoi'iinient. To he 
SO, sa\N Mallliew Arnold, is to he a hai-hariaii. 
Agreed : iO.xcelleiil '. 

SI ill .... tailors are crude jtersoiis. 

HAKKKDASHIORS 



Since then I treat a haherdasher as people treat- 
ed Mr. Kahn — that is Mr. Kuhla Kahn — not the 
Kalin in the clothing husiuess. I 

" — weave a circle round hini thrice 
And close my eyes with ludy dread;" 
and pass on my way — else I shall surely hny some- 
thing. 

One should never go near a haberdashery. 

RESTAURANT PR( )PRTET<)RS 

I have a ])ositive \-eiieratioii for restaurant pro- 
IPi'ietors. 

We eat, not to partake of nourishment, hut as a 
means of expression. And if we may not eat in com- 
liany, how, I pray you, shall we he clever? 

^loreover, who would dream of gathering a half- 
dozen merry wights for a midnight potlach without 



lialieidasliers are to he regarded with awe. One the ministrations of Hellas and her sons? 
slidiild iiexer ^(1 near a halierdashery. 1 have a positive veneration for restaurant pro- 

I le ilier one occasion 1 had resolve<l to inii- prietors. Not only do our witticisms thrive and 

chase some liandkercliiefs. I steiijied into a liaher- vegitate under their care, hut they <lo our very souls 

dashery. 'i'liere ensued a \asl amount of talking good hy the rotund and genial aura which ^lervades 

which I know nolliing ahonl. i stepped onl of that tliein. There is nothing in the world more easeful lo 

lialieiMJasliery and I found thai I, in some way had contemplate than your well lini'd (ireek. 
ac(|nired a Nile green sliirt and a purple lie. 



( S ) 



SIREN 



Gosh 






( 




y\\ ili'.ili! Cmii villi iiii.-iuiuc'.' She wrote a note 
il saiil "Vou ai-c ht'i-fwilli aihisi'il not to 
iiisicr . . ■• Tlie (\\\ ! 



The Idiot Mouths a Truth 

Wlial a sciil iiiiciital roiil I am, al'lcr all. 1 |iriilc 
iiivsi'ir nil liciiiy a cynic, an cyoisl. .-i in ys()j;\ nisi ; 
yd at llic lirst wliill ul' Koinancc liluwn against my 
nostrils it is all ^onc, (lro|i|icil olT me like a worn out 
])oi-ons jilastcr 

I licnrd great news lonij;lit. I heard that .Mary 
lias liroken her enj;a!ieiiieiit. (»rten and often 1 lia\(' 
said. ••! do not lox'e .Mary." 'I'liis I said to keep my 
mind oil the fact that she was en^aji'ed, out of my 
reach. I succeeded in cooling a crust over the lava 
lied within nie. Hiit now, what an enijitioii ! Xo 
\oh-aiio is hotter than my i-eleased passion. Wild 
dreams My hetore my eyes. I see myself woidn^ 
.Mary. I see myself uixiiig iiji my South .American 
Venture. I see our wedding. 1 see myself settling 
down into a mediocre, liai'assed wage-earner. I see 
myself — my (Jod! — T see myself selling pa]ierl 1 see 
all this without fear, without regl-et. 

.Mter all, 1 am a sentimental ass. 

— Gilihering ldi(d 



(ioshl 

I wish the girl who 

Sits in front of nie in fiOgic 

A^'ould conili her hair. 

All thru class 1 sit 

Dreamily enwrapped 

In that floating maze of golden hair — 

Beautiful dreams of rare old gold — 

And then the teacher snorts 

"Did you get that ])()int sir?" 

.\n(l I stutter, racing miles and miles 

In nu)nients, from my 

Daisied fields and moonlit hillsides 

To liie me back to the crass plain 

Incomprehensibility of 

Logic. 

■» -S <r * 

(Josh ! 

1 wish the girl who 

Sits in front of me in i>ogic 

AVould comb her hair. 



-Pop X. ('owe. 




^■es, girls, this is the lirst thing e\-ery man does 
when he learns thai you are already dated for ne.xt 
l-'i-idav or Saturdav. 



( 9 ) 



«)»<=>, 



^. Sc the lean's 

'^^^ 1> V Ted Carpenter 



llustrctted by Hob't.RGoodall 



.\[;ili.v ycjirs ;\'^o when cliililiiMi still Inlci-aic.l He slidwcd .I;ick s c liaii.lsoiii.' lialfloiics of 

Jihiisi' fi-iuM Ihcii- pMi-ciils, ilici-c livc.l ail i)l(l widow ihr Clan; Toiiialo ami ilic Lima licaii in aclioii. 
and \wv son .lack. Wliiic nmlc was ilicn scllin'; al then ollci-cil him 27 lirans Un- th,. boiler. He [x.intcd 
S(i.5(l a .|nait ami lictwc.-n llic two ol' llicm tlicy out thai hy planlinM llicm Jack conl.l reap nc.S 
were ki'pl pooi-. or i-alhci- pooler. JMiially llicy which in liini would yicl.l 1.-.,:!L'7 that would pro 
liocki'd evci-yfliinj;. I.ut their .■oii|.c. and. alter due dnce Si' I.:)::T.!H;1 or seven times the x.iliie of (he 
discussion it was decided to sweeten llie pot with it. eonpe ami tire tester. Beans and <-ats have al.oiil 

the same liirth i-atc. 

■ lack wasn't hep on city slickers ami so was out 
noodled. When he arrived liinne ami tolil his moth 
er what he had done she Hew into a rajic just the 
same as if lie had lieeii her hiisliand. and tossed the 
licaiis out the o])eniii<; that rich people call windows. 
She sent him to lied with no siijiper sayiiijj that, this 
iiij;lil. he could not watch ankles outside the Orpli. 
Xext mornini;. outside the window where iiothiiiff 
had lieeii liefore there was a huoe \iiie jii'owiiig u]) 
six or nine blocks jiast the to|imosl cloud. This 
|irove(l the salesman a swindler, because Iliin<;s 
boniiht from cataloi^ues are niit suppose<l to urow 

like that, -lack j^rasped tl piiortnnity — 1 mean 

the \ine— to j;et iiji in the world and immeiliately 
L;ot a raise. 

Soon he was in a stran<;e land. Before him was 
an e\i)eiisi\e lookinji hovel where they (lelivere<l the 
parcels at the rear an" everything;. 

lie knocked and a dizzy blonde knockout an- 
swereil the door and invited him in. She said that 
hubby was .-i yiaiit who traveled for lady's shirt 
waists, but that be wasn't at home. While they 
were sampling; some lioine-iiiade juniper-berry exjilo 
sive, and tellinj; each other how they were misunder- 
stood. Jack heard the giant coTuiiis unexpectedly, a 
habit thai traxcliiii: men de\'elo]) and wliicli makes 
.lack was a simple sort of boy easily led into them very iinpopiilar with men who don't travel — 
foolish thiiifjs, and when his mom told him to take last enough. 

it out and briu}-- back the root of all e\il. he went. The wife looked for a place to hide .lack and 

On the way downtown the old kettle developed a liually hid him in time. UMilor's Note: We don't 
hot bo.\ and stalled. know just where that is but we've rea<l of it before, i 

.\lou<; came an enteriirisiuf; yoiiii}{ seed salesman Her <>iaiit Inisbaud had brouuhi home a delicatessen 
with a catalogue under one arm, some samples of and louether they had siip|ier. Suddenly the y:iaiit 
seeds under another, and his derby under another. vniifed, yrowled anil spake; 

( Ui ) 




■Th( 1/ Dn-idrd tl, Sril tlir Ciiniv 



SIREN 




■■Wiitchiiif/ Aiiklr.^ lit thr Orph" 

"Fee, fie. foe, fuiu. 
I smell tir hlddd ina 10iit;lislLiimii." 
•);i(k was iibout to steji out and tell the jjiaut 
tiiai lie was Irish and that the remark was an insult 
when he renieiid)ered where he wnz and let the ^iant 
coiitiniie : 

'• — He he alixc 
Er he he deaii, 
I'll grind his iidues 
T'niake my bread." 

"That's tir (idoi-s li(im n|ist;iirs." said his wife. 
"Hesides we don't need bread. I made biscuits 
tddav." 

■•Thai's why 1 w;inlcd br<'ad." i-eplied the i;iaii1 
just like a (■(icil. 

-Vfter she had coiixinced him that Ibere were no 
l*hij;lishnieu present, bavini; laken lime oul (hiring 
the sera]) so thai -lacl; would not i^cl can^iht in it. 
iClless thai one ou-lil to be labeled I the hard 
boiled ^iant ordered her to brin;: his maj;ie liarp 
.and his hen that laid j;(ilden eii.Lls. Those e;;;;s, oh 
ueiitle ic.-iders. were nearly as ]n-eeious as the ones 
\\c used to j:et ill the stores that came fresh from 
the conutiy — Ihe obi country. 

The niaut ordere<l the hai|i lo |)lay for him. 
.\rier listeiiinji to its records he commanded the 
hen to break a record laying; some gokleil eggs. 

( 11 



Satisfied willi this display of local talent, the j;iant 
knocked olf for the eceuinu and droppeil 'way down 
into a deep sleep. 

• lack slipped out of bis hidiui; place, tucked Ibe 
liarp under one .iini and the chicken umler the other 
and be^au to sliai;. Hut the iustriimeut sli|iped ou 
a lu'w record just .is .lack did the same on a str.iy 
banana-|)eel .and then the lireworks started. 

The jiiaut awakened ,aiid. pickin;; up bis two by 
loiii', heeled aftei-.lack. Hut .lobn had a i;(io.l start, 
.and li.-id ou a paii- of track uunboats which made 
bim rather tieet of foot, so be j^aiiied the \iue ahead 
of the giant. 

.\t that moment the seed s.alesm.an came along 
with his catalogue and samjile seeds. Our hero 
grabbed the catalogue and (piickly running through 
it came to an illustration of the Knock 'I']m Dead 
Insect Spiayer. guaranteed to kill anything that 
cra\\le(l, (dimbed, or slept — 1 nu-an crept on the 
garden vines. 

•lack bought one on the spot. 

As the giant hojiped otf the \iue with murder in 
his eye. Jack gave him excr so little (d' the insect 
ilo]ie right in the same |)l,ice. The giant looked f<u- 
a soft ])lace to lie, then turned his toes (o the 
daisies — dead. I Him. not the dai.sies. I 

Now isn't that a lotta nd '.' 




•■/7r Hi:, Ill/Ill lloiiit (I li,li;tU 



SIREN 

How College Students Appear to the People of the World 




AT LAST! THE FAULTLESS JOKE * 

'I'd sharpen our sense of cdllejiiiile wil (wliicli OCllCllllt^ 

lliltli been sui-ely (lis|i:i i-ai^cd dI' hilel and 1o saHsfy 

our clientele in tlieiv demand lor <-levei-. non-sala- "^ W ii-n < )srAi: 

(■ions (|ni|is wliieli are. nol wil lisia ndinji. so ahslnise 
as |o |ire(ln<le the api)reeialioii of (he merely hois '"^ 

terons, we sniimit tlie following': Salame \ic Kniyht 

He— My. yon're still pretty well tanned. Herod, the Tnl-Tnl of .Indea . had Klliol 

She — Do. why really — well, thank you. Herodi.-is Swain 

He— Huh? .lokanaan Weiiiek 

*'rhis (|uip has lieen a])pro\(Ml as disinlccted, sterih Ivxecnt ioner I'anl 

ized, imninni/.ecl and expurtiated hy seventeen of our Youucf Sxrian 'j'olman 

leadiiij; Deans of Women. Pajjc Dodye 

— T.-N. Fii-st .lew I''il7. (iei-ald 

V. Second -lew Carnahan 

Third .lew^ O'Keefe 

SHADES OF DON MIGUEL Fomth .lew Mdntyre 

Maidens . . ("olhy. I'ease. Sherman, Bnndy 
Slaves . . . The Stndent Hotly 

, , , * FC 

_^ \0\-^' a f h^ \ THE COTILLION 

^^JjiKSh—:^—^ id^^k^"^"^ I \ '"''"' '^"l''"'"""''' <'<dillioii is supposedly held for 

' ^' members of the class thai slnnil onl the lirst day 

^11 _^-i. 1 . -I I of their second year. "I'iiie down lliei-e. fi-osli I" but 

■ '^'*' = s^^^Saf — t a&J^f I fcS^ really is m;ide lo hel]i I he clniirniaii and his commil 

lee work their way Ihron.uli school. It is held in 

Ihe (Jym Annex and the decoration.s are actjuatic 

/ K P" / \\ nsnally, tlyinj'- tishes and the like to make those pves- 

it feel right at home. Like the freshman frolic 
d\ juniors and seniors are allowed to attend. 
^i.m. Ar^b^ ■ -S.o.S. 

( 12 ) 




SIREN 

How the People of the World Appear to College Studenst 




THE NEW CORRECTIVE 









BONEYARD ANTHOLOGY 
I, (larahed l'el>*tus, liiiiiiersed tliese many years 

within the boueyard, 
Have come to earth to tell my tale 
And warn the careless freshman from my fate ; 
For I, I loved a co-ed on this campns, 
(How very stale this boaeyard mnd may smell) 
And gave her all I had and some of others 
lint she. she was nnsatisfied. she took my ])ledjie i)in 
And tlic bi-dlhers of tlie JKinsc, 
l-'carin^L; 1 luxcd too well, i>v liel-juips elsewise 
Casl nil' out liei-e, alone to taste my fate, 

— Holi Seaman. 
S 



The Call of the Wild 

nv Hki.kx K. liitioiiM 
When the telepiione rinjis 
Her eager iieart sings 
As she stnnd)les ont of the dooi-. 
She ski]is ilown the liall 
To answer her call 
Her watclifnl wailing is o'er. 

He has called liei' at last 

( )h let her go fast 

Ami heark to his eloquent xoice. 

He loves hei-, he does. 

Thank (!od for that inizz. 

And rejoice, and Rejoice. an<l HK-IOICK! 

<»h ecstatic chills 

And feverish thrills. 

Hushed are her wailiugs of sorrow — 

Then falls on her ear — 

"This is lOlsie, old <lear. 

Do you know what's the l''T-encli for tomorrow?" 

S 

BRADLEY 

Bradley holds dances every Friday and Saturday 
night so that the leaders of the camjju.s activities — 
Union .senior, and junior conncilmen — may be able 
to \v]\i about lightly, gratis. The most beautiful 
|i,nt about it is the balcony which, although one- 
ninth the size of the regular llooi- — lias to accom- 
modate twelve times as iiiaiix dancers. (>nce in a 
while the lights ai-e dimmed by mistake and all the 
]iatrons threaten to j;o home because of this fact, 
but they are jiersuaded to stay. It is a cheap i)lace 
to iiiu because no lieatiun s\stem is needed. — S.O.S. 



( 13 ) 



SIREN 




Slic's a |iuiii|iUiii licail I 

Well. i'\cii |iuiii|)kin licails arc hri<;lit when 
llii'v'rc lit n|i. 



SPl-ft5r 



Memorablia 



AIN'T COLLEGE LIFE TOUGH 



I cainc liiiinc this tiiofiiiiiii liaviiiu had lifcakl'ast 

or faiil< walllcs ami faiiciil syriiii- 

I >(>iif;h_v tried cakes. 

And 1 lay down on the Ix'd 

\\'ilh Henry .laines's "Lesson of the .Master" 

And dozed olt' into sleep. 

Somehow I di-eanic(l of line 

Old I'^ngland. Satins and liillowiiii; laces — 

Foi- a hit 

I was a cavaliei- as j;ay and line 

.Vs any ot tile Ix'st. 

.\nd now I liave awakened 

.\1 tlie clattef ot my clieap alafiim clock 

Anil sit liei-e tliinkinu of 

The cliili 1 must eat tof sn|i|iei- 

Kiosh I liate cliili i 

Anil all the rotten Camels 1 must smoke 

Kismet- - 

IJnt I'd i-alliei- read than li\-e. 

— Pop A. ("owe. 
S 



FRATERNITIES 

Kratei-nities at-e called (li-eek letter organizations 
hecjiuse the meniheis of them dress like it — with all 
due ap<dij;ies to the modern Hellenes. Pledj>es take 
courses ill landscajie j;ardenin<; in them and interi- 
or decorating without jjettint; much credit, l^ach 
admits it is the best on the campus although one 
would have to nst' a crowbar to get a inemher to 
admit it. Several of the nieniliers in a certain organ 
i/.ation have (juit smoking cigars lately because the 
streets are getting too muddy. I'leilges try out for 
the track team but yon wonldifl think so from the 
speed they run errands. -S.O.S. 

( 14 ) 




THE SEVEN WONDERS AT ILLINOIS 

Bradley's 

Sorority porches 

The south cam|)us 

Sunday Eight 0'< "locks 

I'rosh frolic 

The Ohio game 

and 

The SIREN! 



SIREN 




Wahoo vs. Blahoo 

In a Hi(iiii;u(iw IxirrATKix ov "Hkxuy IV" 

tSri'iKs l!ii(/lisli Sciiiiiiiir. ( 'liiinicUrs : WhIkjii 
and lilillinii, busts itii tiiji sliilns, iinir riil r<nic( . 
linlli III III rh inisiiii/. 'I'iiiii : in ill iiii/h I . As tlir cliiiiii s 
strihr Ihv hist stnikr n] tinlrr. tin I, lists turnim 
art iriiliitr. I 

\\';ilii)(i: Wlia1 ! 'riiiiii iiiiKililc scimi nl' :i iiiiiii- 
time clicf! Tliini licrc ! \\'li;il iii.iiiiici- nT r:ircc 
sliiiw is I his? 

Blahoo; A v. thoii iiiiscrc.iiit skctcli. What 
traitorous \ilhiin h'l't yon poi-tals o|icii so Ihai thou 
earnest in? 

Waiioo: Siri-ah: The Society U>v the I'plift of 
Recreant Bahyh)nisli (Miaoticians placed Mr here I 
I came not hestriile a Latin pony, as didst [sarcus- 
liriilli/) the Downright Honorable SYCO])hantic myr- 
midon of neurotic blatlierers — Sir Blahoo I Mean 
Ing tlioni — caitilf knave. 

Blahoo: Ho hoi reviler — Mi/ ]ieregrinatory in 
clinations liave not led mr to i)lundi the \itterniost 
abysses of gehenna — knowst tlion thy fair, roseate 
countenance is hidden 'neath a coat of Stygian dust ! 
Tlioti lookest like an inky inij) of Tophet I 

Wiihoo: Per chancel But beside thee, thou 
blithering idiot. I am as immaculate, as imiieccalile, 
as the le.-i\-es of a Treatise oil I-'lu.\oidai ( >scillat ions 
of 'riierapsycJKipeut ics ! 

lilahoo: Beshrew thee for a iierjurer! I''ell 
rogue. The niferno holds no such swarthy varlets as 
thine own ••immaculate self!" Ho ho! 

^^■ahoo: Cease thy gibbering — thou giddy-pate(l 
niiu-ompoop — the knowledge couliiied within Ihy 
thick cranium would not suffice to (lra\\' thee lo 
shelter during a deluge ! 

Blahoo: Oh desiccate! Tliy mental cerebration 
is absolutely nil ! 

\\'ahoo: Art anliydrcnis thyself! Thy company 
hardly couduces to stimulation of cei-ebral melab- 
iilism ! 

Blahoo: Thou intinitesimal microcosm! — thou 
nebulous atom of inchoate ])Utresceuse ! — thou wilt 
yet provoke me to anger! 

Wahoo: Partake of a tuudde to thyself — ranter! 
Thou art not an over-much of niu<-li ! 

Blahoo: Thy vanity is highly conducive of ujt- 
roarous hilarity! Coxcomb! 

Wahoo: Thou — I But here the clock strikes one, 
.lud per si'ctiou :>4S of the \'ociferatory (^>de of the 
Busts, Ltd. — paragra|)li xlc — yon may look il up— If it is true that I he great est i hiukers of t he t ime 

the btists subsided oiU'e more into theii- former iu.iui are lp,-ild-heade(l. what of the \\(inien? Wliiit nl tlir 
mate selves.) — (i. K. irniiini.' W II AT <)l' 'III i: WOM i:\ .' 

( 15 ) 



Cassius was a lean and hungry man. 
Cassins was a siinlent at a co-eil institution. 
No wonder. 



-S- 



Ile: Have you anylliiiig on for lonigiii 
She: Sir! 



HOW FREE! 

'i'haiik hea\eu that I am here in my stu(i\- 
A\'riting alleged poetry 
Rather than cavorting 

\\\\\\ mad grace about the llooi' of Bradley 
for were I there I must admire the women. 
Here I think as I will and can condemn 
The winde of earth, in this alleged verse. 
.\nd tear it nji again. 

—Pop A. Cow( 



YES, YES, WHAT? 




I.. I'. 'I'i;i.;i;s. /■■(/;/.,/■ K. i;. F,,\m,ki:, nu.^iiii.s.. \hntmii r 

Kxchiingc KditDr, KmiiiI;i1I |ii|i|K-ll. Art Editor, Robert F. (ioodall. 

Coiitriliiitiiij; Editor. Fr.uicis ("oii;;liliii. Art Staff: Ted CariJeiiter. Kntii Dixon, .lolm 

Editorial staff: Don Allen, Helen Brelini. Charles Tonglilin, Don Tronty, T. P. Bonrland, Helen Hui 

Xoyes, Donald l^aFnze, Allan D. Parsons, Sam liii<;er. 15. Sliryock. 
Shapiro, Holi Seaman, I\lles Kriet-khans. 

Editorial ('(inirihutors ; Dorothy Dunsing. Flo- < 'oiilrihuting Artists: .1. AA'. Atkinso)), E. A. 

rence Hallinjier, -luliette Armstrong, (Jeorge Rosen- Taiilieri, "['nd" I'nderei-, -lack Hazelhiirst. I-'lo 

litMg. Sjiecht, Helen Brelim, O. K. -Inhnstdn. 

J. A. Kkith Circulation Manuf/cr 

R. .1. Weber Foreign Adrrrtisiii;/ 

RtRT Hiiu) Local Advtrtixinij Mf/r. 

Published monthly by the lUini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as sec- 
ond-class matter at the postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by Act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini 
Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 113 Uni- 
versity Hall, Urbana. 



The Yankee System 



A Vindication 



"Yankee System Enters Old British Colleges: 
New -Methods Popular", reads a headline in a recent 
erlition of the Illini. 

tlod Forbid! 

AVhen the Anglo-Saxon contagion becomes com- 
plete, when the machinations of scientitic democracy 
come at last lo their liarren goal, and when men no 
longer read Homer or Horace or Liicretins or Cat- 
nllns for the pure joy there is in it — then let these 
last vestiges of culture become the victims of the so- 
called Yankee System, for then no man will care. 
There will be no one then to whom nobility of intel- 
lect anil cnlinral perfection will mean something 
lo be desired. 

The ^■ankee System? \\\'\\. it's a great tifteen 
ringeil circus in wiiich. if we wish to get it all, we 
must tnr-n madly Ironi one to another of the attrac- 
tions, seeing only a useless, sni)erticial pageantry 
where we might under another system receive a com- 
plete ami li:i I'Tiioiiious iinpressiou. Selah. 



Now that supervised salvation doth dragoonade 
among us and bid fair to fetch by the heels those 
who were neither born into a fold or compotmded 
into one, let us rise, on behalf of the indifferent, and 
assume their defense. 

Our cliime.s, too true, ring out on good and bad 
alike. But it is only the \ery good or the very bad 
who are not enraged by the clangor. Unhappily the 
great mass of students is neither very good nor very 
bad. To be good, Iiy definition, one must be in pos- 
sesion of a. vast store of pietistic information. To 
be really bad one must be original and energetic. 
Tt becomes painfully ap])arent that there is small 
danger of even a mildly naughty student life. .Vs 
foi- a i-eally bad lite: it is unthinkable. 

It is, then, to the unhappy rogue who is still 
obsessed with some small vestige of (lions misconcep- 
tion that all these exhortations address themselves. 
He who yet harbors the minor \i(c of conscience, 

and is still coutauiiuateil with the inosi dauianini; 



( 16 ) 



SIREN 



form of scholastic ]MMvcrsioii — tliat is lo sa.v. faitli 
ill anytliiiif; or anyliody — is iiiv.iiialily niiiioycd liy 
l)razi'ii cliaiiticlcs of llic faifli. 

Ill tlic old days, ere all llic saiiils were dead, 
iircat deeds iiiij;li| well lie roiinlit al'ler inayer. and 
lasliiii; and alist illence. Helike llie i;ood Styliles 
liiiiisclt' iiiijilit lind i1 in his heaii to alijiire llie liisl 
Till pingitoiij;, or cast a wary eye on the place of 
daiicilii;. l-Jiit who anioiii; ns is a whit hetler for 
haviiiji his meek conscience iirodded into life, and 
\c.\ed into siia|iiiiii,i; ami liarkinn forcNcr at his 
heels? Not one ! 

l""or, after all, it is not conscience that hinders 
crime. (Jreat crimes are e\cr committed by great 
repeiiters. Indeed if a good sound conscience ever 
goes a long way it is always after the crime is done, 
and the criminal apprehended. 

Bnt if he hath no conscience, this sleepy scliol- 
lard? Then he is thrice blessed. Leave him to his 
dr<'ains. And, mayhap, after the clangor of the 
morning dies, and the crabbed have returned drowsy 
from a dreary sermon, he will fare forth happy and 
Content to sunff the brisk autumn air and be warmed 
by the tine, goodly noonday sun. Then shall his 
spirit have contentment, and a gentle joy, and a 
mild transceudant peace worth more to him than all 
your stutt'y sermons. 

—T.N. 
S 



"The Frozen Face" 



•Seldom, very seldom, does the Sinn concern it- 
self with the many synthetic eiithnsiasms of the 
caiii|ius. 

Drives come and go, a ])ox of Iheni, and we shrug 
our shoulders. We endure them for the most part, 
.iml for the rest we take refuge in a certain collegi- 
ate boredom. This we tiiid is our most effectual 
relief. 

Hilt occasionally a drive is inaugurated which 
we cannot ignore, a drive of such absolute asininity 
that we are forced to protest, and such a drive is the 
drive for "A Perpetual Smile and an Automatice 
Hello." 

^\'^^ are not opponents to good cheer and pleasant- 
ry. ()ver the coffee cups, before the Arcade, on the 
campus, and in spare moments, we advocate all the 
sprightliness and good-fellowship in existence. Not 
for all the world would we part with the fine lad who 
can grow wise and witty on occasion. Hut his dis- 
course, we hasten to add, is the oiitiioiiring of a 
free, tolerant spirit. It is the effervescence of good 
learning and catholic interests mixed in the bub- 
bling alchemv of voiith. 11 comes from wilhiii. and 



it cannot be coiilrolled or (dicited hy .ill the pla- 
carding in Christendom. 

We do object to the live-wire cheerfulness of our 
esteemed Aiiicricdii Miiii(i:'nic on this caiiiiuis, or any- 
where (dse. We lia\i' small faith and less patience 
with ellorts to cultivate perpetual grins by uji-to- 
ilate advertising. "I am getting belter, better, better 
every day" from a halfwit enthusiast completely 
xdlil on the "good and line life." is not, in our opin- 
ion, preferable to even a dour silence. The silence 
is at h>ast sincere. 

Lei us have a democratic c.iiiiiiiis, by all means. 
Let ns be as democratic as the range of personal 
honesty will permit, yes, even to tlie verge of hypoc- 
risy. Bnt all this on one condition, and that is that 
we be ourselves, and that we act of our own motives. 
If we are friendly — well and good. If we are not, 
widl and good also. Hut in any case, let us not 
have the campus .iswarin with grinning louts, each 
one emitting an automatic hello with all the fervid 
cheerfulness of a. book agent. 

—T.N. 



Charity at Home 

We have the solution of all the professionalism 
trotibles at last. Our small but sweet-singing bard 
from St. Joe suggests that we create another huge 
fund similar to the Stadium Fund or even set aside 
a part of the Stadium Fund, which could be en- 
hanced by a super-drive, and use the whole for the 
support of football and baseball players during the 
summer and other seasons so they wouldn't have to 
play professional ball in order to live. 

Take it or leave it, peoples! It really is the only 
constructive plan offered so far which gives any 
encouragement regarding the futui-e of Illinois ath- 
letics. The jingle of shekels makes more music than 
the band playing "Loyalty" it has seemed. 



The Library 



The library is the place across the Arcade wliich 
sounds like the boiler-factory back home. They call 
it a librarj' because it has lots of books in it which 
nobody ever uses. Just like some co-eds' brains. 
Like the Armory which is used for everything but 
military puriio.ses, the library is not to be used for 
study purposes. A girl once came there to study and 
they were going to hang her at sunrise, but nobody 
could get nji that early so sli(> got away with it. 
It is the best idace in the world for dales, clials, 
letter writing and general lounging. If you have 
nothing to do outside cif six or s(>ven semester 
jiaiiers to write, come there and be dislr.icted. 



( 17 ) 



Eskimo Love 

A Heart Warming Tragedy of the Frozen North 




I!v l)(iN Ai>r.KX W'liilc flic fciirs coiirsf (hiini her fiii-r. Iskcr 

CHARACTERS CAST UP IN THIS PLAY '"/''-, .v/'W"".'/ "„ tin rskh.u ,/.,/ ,rhu Humtl,, 

f-iir.s<s III (icniiaii. 

lSKi:ii (Icfply in lovi- witli ATKORA: Isker! 

AIHOHA, wlidse dear fatlicr. ISKEK: Aurora I {Kiiihnicr\ 

.1. AK'THI'K HOKKALIS objccis l<> tlic inalcli. AI'HOKA: {aiiKjH) 
Xmiii'rons dilicrs. loo iiiinu'roiis to iiaiiic. Oh Isker sweet, keep olT my feci. 

ACT ONE When ere ycni kiss and hni;. 

The ncriir is tiiid in llir ice ijiinliiix (if iild iiinii Yon liii; cartoon, you lioniely |iiniic, 

liiiiiiilix. 111!' ice is soiiiiirliiit tciiiicitiiis, inid the W\v.\\ is that tiiinyyon Inu- 

siinir is tiiHiiii/ iniirriili/ iimsl af il /in<-iiiiliitiii</ ISKIOli: isiiii/s) 



art r tin hfl iriiiij. The suiriliisl is shnrli/ ilrililili 111/ 
iriiiii 111'' jinliir liciir pi relied on tin- north (list 
fllilrier. the iliichsh 11 iid iittiielied to ttie sled in the 
forcf/i'oiind seems e.rlriineli/ lion it irith the irhote 
hiisincus. 

Enter Auroi-a. 
Al'ROKA: (rather fatly 1 : 

This weight's snre gettinj; on my lUMves. 

'Pis laHow num. heai^'s <;r<'ase perserves. 

Tlial made it so. 

If Isker's f.ice Id oidy see 

I"d hni^h this fal ri<;lit olf of me. 

( )h me. oh niv. oil moe. 



.My d<'arest dnek. 

J love to suck 

The sweetness of your li]>s 

] like it well. 

J^ut then. oh. hell. 

Your shoes have co])|)er lips. 

]My only, look. 

I have a book, 

1 got for thee incog. 

The very thing 

I hear, I bring. 

Sears Roebuck's catalogue. 

'I'heii sil doirn ill the xnon- mid turn the jiin/es. 



A'<ll('t',: l>on'1 nu'ulion llial jail bird's name again. ISKI^^H: Some cari)et tacks, a liarlxMl wire fence 

AI'RORA: The warden may call him a iinmber. They'll send to me for forty cents. 

but he's always Iskei- lo me. tSini/s.) AI'K'OR.V; And each that sends a dollar gets, 

I lo\i' him. 1 lo\(' him. A wool night shirt, some Casearets. 

A note fulls friiin tin eiirttiin liindinii iit Aiirnni's ROTH: Oh stai's above and moons that was 

fret. .S'/lc opens it nnil rends it Inokini/ nl the niidi- I>]skimo pies (wo bits a do/,. 

riirr all the irhili. Entir the ehoriis of eskimos {ijirls in tii/hls. 

AI'RORA: .\ voice fi-om 1 he liuid)s. a noic from men in full dnss suits irith iromlint frini/esu Isker 

Isker, oh. <iod that I should lixc to know it. lie iind Aiironi eonliniie to rend as the chorus dunces 

has escaped. \ Spotlii/ht ] . the Ix'iissinn Ctoi/ sini/ini/ 

( 18 ) 



SIREN 



^^'lly (Idii'l lli('\- sciiil il til llic csldiiKis, 
No (iiic knows, sliiikc your toes. 
"\'oiril nci- iH'i il, sweet lo\'e elinriiis. 
<"oirie ••mil nestle in vonr (hiildy's :inns. 
I Xone i;cnnine wil liont. I 
Al'HOHA: Ami we'll li;ive llieni :il liie wediliiiji' 
ln-eaklasf. 

(UJRTAIX DOWN 

ACT TWO 

77//.S- (irl hil:(.s jihiri ill till ilniirlitf) niniit {I'd 
lil.i- III Iiiirr il ill llic Ik il 1(111111. I111I I CM/'/ iriiik il in, 

I lie xliir lull is jirniiiLid : slir i-liliiiis xlir is inll riis- 
liniiril f(ir (I hid ruiiiii sr(iir\ l/if iriddiiifi (/insts 
liiirr (inirrd. \(il liiiriin/ riiimi/li siiiiji and fish to 
</<i aroinid samr of llic i/iicsls arr iriiirimi Luiiis 
(^llili:r rosliniHs. Will III i/il liiirk In llir siihjict 
llir (/iirsls liiirr nut hill llir i/riiitiii liiis mil arrirrd 
l/rl. iirilliir liiirr llir iiiis. llir hiidi is hii/iiiil i in/ 
to he worried. 

AURORA: (Hi ,n<>«li. "li .i;f<', oh niin diii, 

R( )REAL1>! : ( hasr suln 1 

Oil llevei' fear my d.-niiililer <le:ii- 

The pies are sure (o eoine 

They'll come all ri^lil some lime toni<;lit 

Hnt wlien-'s Ihat iskei- Inim".' 

(il'l'^STS: [ liilkiiii/ aiiiijiiij lliciiisilrrs.) 

Ooli Hosie lookit that swell teller in that box 
out thei-e. Aiul I sez to hei-, now Maine I don't 
mind yer i;oin out willi other fellers hnt don't 
wear that jierflime 1 i;i\-ed ynh. Uat's my fav- 
orite snndl and cost thoity cents a liotlle. 

ATKOKA : (»li wlial will all these jii'ople (hink 
Xothini; to eat, the same lo drink. 
The pii's won't come oh my, oh me, 
I'm mined with society. 
'I'll!' Irlrjihiiiir nil sliii/i riiii/s iijj sliif/r. ISoyrdlis 

II iisiriis. 
l!(»lii:Al,lS: 

^'KS. WHAT'.' MA.M.MIT KVAW STII.L. 



Jly dearest (lan<;liler, luck hy heck I 

Jsker fell and broke his neck. 

.1 iiiilil mini riilrrs irilli 11 jiiicL'iiiir. 
ATKOIJA : iinidir lur hrrulli I 

Thank heaven, my honor is preserved. 

All, come now guests and gather round. 

And sit you down upon the gronnd. 

And 1 will jiass this delicacy. 

Thai dearest Isker got for me. 

Aiirniii siiiiiils on II iiiki of irr mill niiislrrs ''■"'^,,^y 

ijiiif. IIS iiiili/ III! rskiiiio mil. hii iiniiK-liiiif/ rcflrr- Says I'ierrot : "1 hope Ihe moon knocks iiie cold 

linifi oil an rsqiiiiiio jiir and lookiiiii iiiislili/ off into if 1 ever order Chili al Tite Wad's again. I'-iigg-g-hh I 
till- iirrlir simrc. Iliis siriirni iiiid lii/lil on llir hriirs Oh!" 



nose irlirn llir slin/r liiiiid. r.rliii ilstrd , crasrs lo iiioce 
hriir's hind to 11 nil fro. 

cr KTA IN 
6'oc.s- doirn and stdi/s doini. 

S 

A Date 

r.v Hei.ex E. Hkeii.m 
I've sat here now for two long lionrs 
And smiled al all you've said 
(Hnt, gee, I'd gi\c most anything 
If 1 conid go to lie<l.) 

You're sn<-h a clevei- man, I think 
Yon have a fearfnl line — 
( Kave on, yon hooli, I'm going mad 
It's oidy halt past nine. 1 

You're so successful, soon you'll lie 
A hanglity millionaire 
Yon say your boss is fond of yon'.' 
(dood lord, what do I care?) 

Yon sav(»d a woman's life— how lu'ave — 
( I know it isn't so 1 

You'll lia\e to save me mine some time — 
(Yon would if yon would go.) 

The W(Mnen always fall for yon — 
(You've told me so before) 
Y'oii're irresistible, 1 know 
(Rut, LOHI). you are a BORE!) 

S 

SAYS PIERROT 




( 19 ) 



SIREN 



Campus Lovers 

A Series of Pastelles 



\\\ iii;i,i:n i:iji;ii.M 




Miiry ;ni(l Alhci-I :ii-c liolli l.ovci-s ,>( The :!rc;i1 
(liil oT Itdiirs lli:il"s wlici-c llicy s]icii(l iikisI (iT llicii- 
lime. .M.iry is jiisl :i <^H';\\ bit; Ihixdiii hiss with 
n;iliii-:il cdlor in licr cliccks :iii(l ikisc, ,iih1 .^kcIi ;i |i;iI. 
Slic is :iii ;iii\ (ic;lli' (iT ^r;i|)c mils .-iiiil I lie siiii]il(' 
lilV. Allicrl. Iiciii^ siijiJitiy I iilM'i-ciii;ir, is itclliii}; .-i 
iiil (iT ^(1(1(1 out of llicir loiif; liiki's. Thcv liikc ;i\vfiil- 
1\ ^(mmI ](lioto};rai)lis of X;itm-p all alouj; tlie way — 
rustic licuclu's, squirrels, wind uiills, sun-sets, etc. 



The .Mystery. Why slionM Alice, the ("auiiius 
Beauty, fall for this Human Toad Fish???? He lias 
uo beaiity, lirains, money kv |i(ditical pull. Neither 
does he own a car. lint Alice was always interested 
in cnj-ios. 







The Instructor-Coed ("omple.x. She will lau^h at 
all his jokes aud pass the written tests and chat 
after class and if she arouses a Flutter of Little 
AVings, she will get an A. If she doesn't, she'll get 
a I), and say that it was Entirely Due to Personal 
rreindice. 



Soul .Males, lie loves Her for Herself Aloiu — 
together lliey sit un the mininlaiii top aud throw pa- 
])er wads at the .Mnses. Their Lo\c will ()\itlasl 
Time Itself. Their lo\c knows no .\daui"s apjdes or 
gi'easy locks — it is s]iirilnal and uplifting. It is, 
.so lo speak. The (irealesi Thing in Life. 

( 2U ) 





SIREN 



In Occupied Territory 

lOLLES W. KKIECKHAUS 

lUustvations hy Walt CaniphcU 




Tlicy ;iif sixty tliuiisand strong, those French, in Mayence. The streets are fnll of tluiu ;in<i ;i( 
nijjht, when lights are ordered off and there is gay nmsic in the officer's clnb, only a grim ixiilu on 
gnai-d before the Hotel Continental reminds one 

Six of them in their bine-green nniforms were gatliered aronnd the litth- tal.h- in a wine shop 
just off the Kaiserstrasse. There was no liglit excci't the dim yeUow gl<»w from a candh-. Black eyes 
s|.arkled and the men canght an old French air l.y tlic last verse and can-led It to a glorions finish. 
Tlie gayest of them signalled for the (Jerman bar mal<l, a pretty girl with lair hair and bine eyes. 
She stooped and ki.ssed hini and he smiled. Aa (/iicrrr est fiiii. 



The hand that locks the cradle often gets tired. Some books are like water: the deei>er yon get 

into them the less hope tiiere Is. 

^- S 

There is many a man who believes that the ten- The counterfeiter is judged by the money he 

nis court is the Sniuenie court of sportland. makes. 

( 21 ) 



SIREN 




CI (i-!(-i.':i. 

I )c;ir i;csii;ii:i I i<iii : 

I .1111 iiliuiil III (•(Piiiliiciicc : ( 'lici' llcr ('li,i;i II;i;i!I 
'I'licrc has liccii :i i|ii('sliiiii .1 ImjI licri iij^ nn' \'i,\- ;i Idiit; 
lime. 'Phis is il : W'h.il ,1111 1 ^oini; |c> ihi willi yon 
iil'lci- I iii;irry ynu'.' \n\\ -.ivv mil sn|i|i(is(Ml lo lino\s, 
hii\\('\cr, 

I sh:ill ll'V ami ^^cl soiiii' ;iil\ic(' oiil n\' yitiil- 
ihiiiiiicil old iii;iii; he's ;il\v;iys ci-oaivilif; nixnil wlinl 
he kiKPWs iihoiil wiiiiicli. Docs he slill i-cilicniliri- I lie 
time you iii;iilc I lie rn(li;c'.' I :i l\v:iys s:i id lie <-oiil(l ii'l 
;i|)|ircci;ilc yoii. 

Li'fs (ImIc the liricciilh'.' 
.M;i\ : "Why iliil I he life j;n:iril j^ivc IIkiI woiiijiii Siiiii 

:i bar of so,i|)?" \,,xi iiioiilli's SIUI'IX will -i\c Icltcis lor (It-af- 

Dol : "ir she ^cts oul loo lar, I he sctap will wash mules and slaniiucrci-s. 
her liacU." 



Model Love Letters for the Young 

Hv KolIKUr I'\ (ioODAI,!, 

ir yiui arc t'l'cshinaii, s()])li()in()re, oi' jniiioi-, you 
will liud (his Icllcr iii\ alnalilc. We make no coiri- 
iiH'ul. Dou'l lail (o iiolicc its (Micslei'tieldiaii .style. 

("hampaigii. 111.. 

Nov. 4, IIIL-J 
Dear •loliiiiia ; 

Well how are you; \\'ell 1 am fceliiif; j;(iod now. 
heeaiise III. just li<-at XoiHi Wcslcni V. The score 
was <; lo :;; in lavor of 111. This is tine! 

\\'cll I think we outplayed The Evanstouians. 
(so to s|icak.) Did yo\i have any dates since I lia\-e 
been down here at this Tai-agon Of Learninf; iK; 
Lahoi? ril say its Laliorll s])elled with a ('a|)ital 
Letter. 

Did yon fict my last letter? you didnt answer il 
yet. It shoulil of lieen received hy yon liy now. I 
wiote it the ■J-2 of last inst. It had some very im 
poi'tant (|nestions in it. 1 hoi)e you jnt{ it. I will 
send this special dilevery because I wish lo be sun- 
it will be received by yon. 

I lia\c some sttidiinji to do so I j;uess I will not 
write .my more. Von wont get ]ieeved will you? 
^'ours in friendliness & sincerely: 
lOdsel KoUs-Koycc. 

T.S. I lia\{' not heai-d from yon for a lonji time. 

S. W. .\. K. Ha! Hal 

However, if yon have lasted lonj; enouj;ii to h;i\(' 
become a senior, you conbl hardly be cxpcried to 
write a Iclter like that. Ileir is one writlen by a 
senior, about lo f^rjidnate foi-evei'. It is to be recom 
mended chielly for its Frankness, Uniuor, and \iva ApTEK THIO FALL 

city; Ihe last paragrajih is esiiecially maf;nil udinons (>bser\anl Kiddy — ( )h, look at thai funny man, 

in these virtues; The style has improved? Such .Mother, lie's sillinji (Ui Ihe sidewalk lalkiu" to a 
was only to l)e expected! banaiui |)eell 




And if he rips her ucl in I wain. 

.\nd Swecl ie wa.vcs cross - 
To him. it's jnst a new lu'l i;ain: 

To her. one more net loss. 



( 22 ) 



SIREN 



A MEMBER OF THE PSYCHOLOGY STAFF 
PARTAKES OF HIS NOONTIDE REPAST. 




Wlicn tilt' IwcInc lilllc |)i-iiii('ssi's liail lu'cii |>iil 
Id licil ill llicir ildviii. Iiii;li n|) in liic casllc liii-rcl. 
lie \\-.ilcli('(l Ihcii- wiiiiliiw iis liis midiiHiliicr li.iil liiil 
liiiii. Iiiiliiiiii; liis |ili'ilt;c hill lull clianii lor |in)1ccl ion. 
Soon III' x.iw (lie Iwchc lilllc |(i-infcsscs slowly ci-ccp- 
in.n down :i cni-ioiis iron hiildcr, used in limes ol' 
lire. — Mild winit iistonisjicd liini more, twelve ol' liis 
Irjilernily brothers Wiiitinj; nroniid llie corner each 
in his own car. He followed, and discoxcred llial 
lliey Weill each iiij;hl to the Moonlii;iil (iarden I'al 
ace where they danced niilil late. 

The hraNc prince went in and danced also. A! 
llion,i;h the Iwehe little priiicesse-; reco^iii/.ed him, 
they did not speak for fear of heinj; i-eported. Hill 
the yoiiiii;cst liked his looks and s]Mirred on liy lier 
sisters, vani]ied him. He yave away his charm, lost 
his power, and eacli ni.nhl took the yoiin^^cst to the 
dance. And still tlie mystery id' the danciiij; shoes 
reiiuiins iinsohcd, 

— Inlielte Armslrony;. 



F airy Tal 



THERE IS A TIME FOR ALL THINGS 



es 



I \\'itli a]>olo<iies to < Jrimiii I 
Once upon a time there lixed not so far rroiii the 
()skee-AV(»w-Wow river a (^)iieen ( 'liaperone who lia<l 

tw(dve heantil'nl da\i.i;liters. lint these | r princesses 

had no lather to wat<-li and sc(dd them, and so lhe\ 
lix'cil an iiido[iendent lil'e. 

'i'lie (iueen-Chaiierone had lo economize and. as 
clolliiii;^ lit for the |iriiicesses to weai- was expensive, 
she iirycd them to lake jiiiod care of their dresses 
and shoes. As all the court understood these ])ainriil 
cii'cninstances, it was shocked one morninj> to dis 
cover that all twelve )>airs of the princesses" shoes 
had holes in them — rroiii dancinj;II l?ut no one 
coiiiil understand iiow the twelve daujihters danced, 
when they had been put to bed by the (iiieen-Chain".'- 
oiie lierseir. I""i-oiii that time on each new pair o!' 
shoes was round the followini; moriiiiii.;, with holes 
ill llieiii. At last in des]iair the (Jueeii-t "liaiierone 
ollered a rewar(l (d' several dales to anyone who 
could soh'e the mystery of the dancing shoes. Mut 
lie who tried aii<l failed would be put to death. 

Now it happened that there was a freshman 
prince who was Ihoiiiilil such a coward that his 
fraternity brothers, for a Jid^e, made him try to sohc 
the mystery. In despair he called ii]ioii his fairy 
t;od mother to ji'nv him a charm that would prexcnl 
the princesses fi-oni bindinji him to their services all ■;one now 
by their lines. He set out, was received at court and 
iiiiniediately started sleiithinj; ar(niiid in the a] 
pro\eil manner. 

( 23 ) 




They made beer in l*:i;y|)t :!, 7(1(1 ,\ears ai;c>, but iCs 



\idiva says that all Hajipers are fioin; 
some are iie;irly dressed for the trij). — A. 



to hell 



SIREN 




The New Banditti 



Mirabile Dictu 



\'('s ! Slif Inis \\()1|(Ii-(iiis lijilil liliic iirhs; 

llcr cliccks, like ilic lii-sl lildi.iiis of spi-iiii;. 
Ait ll:illkci| hy \\;i\cs of I rcssrs 

Siicli .-IS I, Hi- eyes. Ii:i\c iic\cr scrii. 
Hit |icarl> Icclli nvf iiiatclicil (uily liy 

Toutliiiasic ails. 
Anil when liii willi tin' lioys. 

Anil slir passes, she smiles 
As if I were llie only one willihi miles. 

Anil nnii-nmrs. "llnlln. Teij." 

ii-«»»»»e»o»»»\^-,,^^. ^.,,11 ||^.|| III,,.;; 

— TimI ('ar]ienler 



TAKE THIS HOME FOR CHRISTMAS 




When I was jnsi a lillle ehilil 

I i-eail wilh inlei-esi mure ilia ilil. 

And all my i'aney was he^iiileij ; 

My Jesse James. 

Olil Tl'iisty Shut. The .Man Wliu Siiiileil, 

Ami cillier names. 

1 liaiikereil lur I he keen allVay. 

The i|iiick sliek ii|i. ihe ^el away. 

The ilrinkini; liuni I lii-un.i;huiil llie ilay. 

The wild excil meni ; 

.\ lid jiii-ifs cuiniii^ in lu say. 

■•-V new indiel meiil ."' 

I say liefor(> I reached my prime 
I hankered lor a life oi i rime 
A sort of (iy|)tliehluud snlilime 
Was my and)ition. 
And SI) 1 spent a lut of time 
< >n my t nitiun. 

Well all these huys wuiilil die I .yness 

^^'ith jealons ]-a;.;e at my siieeess 

l"ve jjot them heat I must confess 

liy niuilern duilues. 

I i;et mure luul the risk is less. 

1 rnn ^araj^es. 

— Dun Allen 



-S- 



PORCHES 

Siirurity purehes are iiuw .uuiiiii lu rack anil ruin 
hecaiise the Twin Cities' new lij;litiiij; system pru- 
\iiles tiiii nnieli electric. It is a well-knuwii fact the 
lijiht in li-unt uf the A. Chi ( >. huiise has beeu 
liroken tliriH' scure times withunt cumplete success. 
Here it is where the jincnile un his lirst date says, 
''Don't ,vun just love ni.yhts like these" and the bash- 
ful nniiden rejdies. ••(), nu. sometimes I study."" It 
has lieeu reported that a iirouunent politician once 
fuij;ut himself and said. "Kiss nie gi>odni<;ht'' there. 
and \i]iiin heinu re])iu\ed fur his furjietfnlness re- 
]tlieil. ••riease kiss me i;uod iiii;lit"" and was duly 
rewarded. -S.( ).S. 



METAMORPHOSE 

The Cued shntried the l.nrnin^' deck 
And dealt the cards around, by heck. 

They llimllammed Oscar, ci-eature mild; 
And now von see thai Oscar Wild! 



( 21 ) 



SIREN 



DON'T WANNA 




Quite a bit of corn was shocked tliis year: flie 
hifjger tiie l>ottle the bigger the shock. 

Tlie best biokinj; girl in the iiio\ ics is selling 
tickets. 

Sonu'timi's all the early bird gets is u]i. 

AN'ashingfon lias a 400 day clock; they wind il 
every time lliey cntcli a senator awake. 

The wise man chews neither dynamite (■a])s nor 
restanrant hash. 

S 

A\'lial in:ikes a cat madder than seeing a dog 
catcher loafing. 



OF COURSE! 

■lack ami -I ill went \\[> the hill 
Jack had no thot of water 
For Jill— .Till walked before the snn 
And Ja.'k? Jack followed after. 

— I'op A. ('owe. 



-S~ 



TARDY TOMMY MAKES AN EIGHT O'CLOCK 

,1 9 



^i 



If refornn'rs keep on red blooded chaps will li:i\-e 
to go to Havana for face powder. 

Si.v million inliles are woith a dollar. Pay no 
more. 

Kread wasn't made with yeast till lli.")(l, but some 
of it hasn't kept very well. 

S 

Turkish attrocities are being committed in .\sia 
Jlinor, and smoked in America. 

S 



"So she's pel ly and fnt ile?" 
"\'es anil no." 






^ 



jr 




( 25 ) 



SIREN 



LAST LINE THE UNIVERSAL TOPIC 

The iiiiliislcr |il-iili Icil Irii iliill;irs hy my worst Wolidci liil piclnrc, iinisl have ciisl ;i lot. 

liiistiikf. Ten tlions^ind dolhir ruv'. 

^ Has she any money? 

He clcMni'il np :i mill ion ! 
Tliiiiy nine cfiils a yard ! 
.Mn, kin I iiaxc a penny ".' 



-S- 



ll"s all fiT-eek to inc. said the stndeni a^ 
marelied into the i-estanrant. 



Some nn'n lia\e Iheir line points. Inil like sonii 
lead pencils tliey .soon wear otl'. 

S 



Slie If yon could siiii; as I can. what wonid 

y lo? 

lie Keep still as milch as possilile. 

1 nIercollej;iale S]irinl ('liainpioii -I saved a 
j;ny's lili' last iii^lil with my Irememhnis speed. 

Lett I'liid on the lielialini; Team — How come. 
r"i-insiance'.' 

I. S. ( '. .\\\. lliey w.is a foufjli lidusc down at 
.Mike's and a hi^ ^ny wit' a knilV took out at'lei' a 
smaller leller. PESTS 

I., i;. O. T. 1). T. -.\nd yon ran .and can.uhl the Thcu- a ic pests and |.ests. There is the ci.uarette 

hi- rnllian. enahliii- 11 1 her man to escape? cadfier, the coke fjnihher. the paper slacker, the 

I. S. C. X(d hardly. I was the -iiy in front of homework shirker, hut the pest of jiests is that [lest- 
,1,,, |.;i|j|,. iferoiis individual who. after an examination, jilaces 

[.^ liiiiiself in our midst and dolefully, dolorously and 

diihittusly raises a yoilel of self-])ity to the mighty 
heavens that he has uncereinoiiiously flunked an ex- 
am. He moans, he shrieks, he is overwhelmed in self- 
]iity. He is the a])otheosis of woe. You almost feel 
s.id enough to let him take a (•ou])le of nickels — hut 

i^ not quite. Three days later he appears on the hori- 

ON OREEN STREET ^'*'" fi'l'iinpl'-"!'^'.^' ("irryini; an ••.\". When reproved 



.Miss I'.an.sy .\rahella .lohnsin,u— Wliali at kin \\\ 
go to git some face powil.ih? 

Clerk — HIack jiowder in the lirearms depart- 
ment, m.i'.iin. Take the elevator to the liasement. 



Bystanders — Where's the driver? (iet hinil 
^'i(■tim — AVait hoys. wail. I was trying to cross 
the street and the ilriver slojiped and motioned nn 
lo go acidss. The shock was too mncli. 
_ s 



.Vninndsen li.is jnst retnrneil from the North 
Pole: it will retnrii llie \isi1 some lime this winter. 
S 



for his demonstrations of the days hack, he insists 
that he never. said a thing. I'^icnn sncli as these, may 
we he delivered. — S.O.S. 

S 

There is some error. In oiiicni Ilier(> is strength. 
ImiI in I'liion graft. 



(iollnf is supposed to have originateil in Scot- 
land, hni the other nations have taken it away from 
the land of the kilties. .Inst recently an Halian pro 
took I'rench leave of his own course, entered the 
American o]ien l(nirnament. used Canadian clubs. 
(treece<l the slides (if defeat for all iiis o|)ponents. 
leaving them and their followers in Dutch, and liy 
dint of putting a lot of l^nglisli on his Germ.an-made 
halls, won the title .and made iiis adversaries look 
like Swiss cheese. 

— S. O. S. 
S 



A gentleman is a man with nothing else to di 
S . 

STUDY IN LIGHT AND DARK 



IJears and hulls aren't always animals, nor arc; 
(adis. (Mirs. jackasses and skunks. 

S 

Honest men are not afraid of the daylight. IJnt 
there are exceptions as the lovers claim. 




( 26 ) 



SIREN 



MORAL: DON'T RIDE ON STREET CARS IN OLD KENTUCKY 

Metlmselali ate no apices, iievtn- brushed liis .lim— What hapiiciicil I,, |',-tc lluDtlci; / 

teeth, had no iron every (hiy. di() not read the Salnr- Hill- ('a relessness. He went to clinicli withonl 

(hiv Eveilinj; Post, ate and slejil wiien he jdeased. ||js oim 
chewed no Wriyh'v's after every meal, idfained 

from Lyili.i l'iid<hain's Ixeniedy lor the Home ami he ' 

live<l to the ripe old ajic of nine linndred years. THE WEEKLY 

!^ Dear Ma and I'.i: 

The man who e(nints in this world .... is the n m.-iy interest you to know that I am now 

casluer. takini; a coarse in landsca]ie ^ardenini;. It's not in 

'^ the (■■nrricninm, lint I was just ]ded<;cd to the worst 

Like many a rose horn to l.lnsli unseen— many fr.-iternity on the camims. I j;ness I wasn't iiood 

a clown has never been to the circus. enoujih for ;iiiy other. .Vuyways, I don't know who 

i^ is out of hick, they or me. .Vml I am doing wonders 

The -i-eat Iroidde with fice verse simmus to lie in hotany. .Mready I can tell t hi' difference hetw.'en 

ill its che.-ipness. |ilants ,-iml animals. Also I .im playinj;' S'olf- The 

1^ tirst time I made a Ci-I, hut I did a little heller on 

Holland, according to all nniving picture sceiiics. ii,,. second lade, 
is well sujiplied with wind mills, All of which ) ,.;in'| nndersland .1 si-n im the links. It says, 

should remiml ns of our supci-Hpiol a of harhers .ind ■■l»,nrt jdck u\> lost halls until they slo|i ndling." 

campus l.-uvyers. W'i'U. don't they know ihey aicu'l lost until they are 

S at a continual sto]i'.' I ihink I'll i|uit IlKuigli be- 

Love is nothing more or h'ss lh;iu iier|ietual cjus.e I lost my ball. At the house l.isl night, we 

emotion. h.id ,-i no.se iiencil race, and I won becunse I had a 

!^ ■■ longer reach. .More ne.\1 time. 

.lusl becaus(> a man is said to be dumb, it is no \'onr loving son, 

sign that he cin't talk. Ah)wislnis. 

! f 

1 

Take Care ' \ 

Not to Run Right Up to | 

j Christmas Eve I 

i I 

j "\^ith a long list of friends who niiisl be i-eiuembered and with no ide.-i what 

} to get or where to get it. 

I Take Time by the Front Hair 

j Go to the U. of I. Supply Store 

j (iel y(uir Ircnibles settled with 1 he lensi fuss ,-ind weariness 

j ever, ami sil serene 011 l<.p of the world. 

i 

j Von know we li;ive no end of things — we've more even than you think. Come 

I in and see. f 

! 1 

I U. of I. Supply Store j 

j (iHKKX AM) WinCHT ITIIK ('()-(>!> 1 J 

! I 

( 27 ) 



SIREN 



Fashion for Colored 
Collars 

From London, Tlio Vanity Fair Coi- 
i-espondent writes that white starched 
collars are seldom seen except for for- 
mal day and evening wear. Colored 
collars are all the "rage." In most 
cases, the collars match the shirts but 
many smart younn men go so tar as to 
wear a solid colored collar with a 
striped white shirt. For example, a 
tan and blue striped shirt with a solid 
blue collar is often seen on the 
"knuts". Checked material tor neck- 
ties are immensely popular. Both 
shirting materials and silks for neck- 
ties are in the brightest of possible col- 
ors. The latest collars are very low 
and rounded off at thee orners in the 
manner of the two illustrations shown 
above. Striped materials for shirtings 
are mostly in two color combinations, 
rather than a stripe of a color and 
white. Solid blue, mauve, tan and 
pink shirts are rich in color and no- 
ticeably popular. The smart Londoner 
is now wearing mauve shirts with 
dark blue suits and with this combina- 
lion a red plum tie is generally worn. 

If you are interested in any question 
of dress or etiquette, write "The Well 
Dressed Man" care of the Siren and 
your letter will receive prompt and 
careful attention. 





London Starts Some 

New Fashions in 

Men's Shoes 

Tlie smartest shoe you can wear for 
the coming winter has no fancy stjtch- 
ing or perforations of any kind. The 
much perforated "brogue" type of 
shoi-. which has been so popular, is 
now replaced by the severely plain 
shoe on the lines illustrated here. The 
newest golf shoe in England is a 
blucher with a plain toe-cap. The new 
street shoe is also made in this plain 
manner without perforations. The 
only fancy models of any kind are 
dress shoes for the street, of brown 
calf and patent leather which, how- 
ever, are only partly perforated. But- 
ton dress boots are scarcely ever seen 
and may be said to have passed out 
of fashion compared with those which 
are laced. Spats are extensively worn 
in London and there is every indica- 
tion that this fashion will again be- 
come popular in America. 

If you are interested in any question 
of dress or etiquette, write "The Well 
Dressed Man" care the Siren and your 
letter will receive prompt and careful 
attention. 



+, — . 
I 




For Formals 
and House Dances 

A Proper Dinner Suit 

'We know 1)1' iiotliin<>' liner, iiotliinf> with niorc 
.si vie, liiMii tlie t!iil()rin,y nnd desij^n of onr 

DTNNI'IR ,s7 /7'N 

\'iri/ h'rdxoitdhli/ I'ricid 



:!:'.:!r)-;!7 Main, ( 'ii,-ini]iaii;ii 



I 
1 
I 
I 



( as ) 



SIREN 








Students and Athletes 
Know That— 

The Original 

Kdrcslu's :iiii| iii\ij;iirati's ;iri('i- sillily or 
spiirl. (H- ;it ;iiiy time when ;i inpiirisliiiii; t'oiid- 
(IriiiU is iiidicated, and drink it al llic lonn 
lain and in tlieir rooms. Also in ready-lo- 
cal Inncii lal)iet form. 

Sustaining 
Healthful 
Delicious 

Avoid Imitations 

I iiirrcxtitiii Jitrnil m-c 
1)11 xltidciit iixcx xcii/ jin /ifiid 

HORLICK'S, Racine, Wis. 



Southern Tea 
Room 

D n 

Special Chicken Dinners 
Every Sunday Noon 

and 
Tuesday Evenings 

D D 



Also a la Carte Service 
Tables lieserved 






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.4 4- 

-..+ +.- 

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Cafeteria 



(ilO K. (ireen 



n n 



Home of the Electric 
Waffle 







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Lei's jict ae(|naiiilcd ! We"rc niakinj; bids I'or 
new friends! And olferln^ some mi};lily line 
1 coMcessioiis for those friendships I U'e want 
1 to know von. Von oniiiit lo know ns. 



I I 
I I 



1 1 
1 I 
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SHOP^r- MEN 



"("orrect Haherdasheiv" 



9 ) 



SIREN 



Ice Cream - Sherbets 

Ices - Eskimo 

Pies 



<$> 



"The Model Way" 

—TRY IT 

SOCKS DARNED FREE 



SANITARY 



Champaign Ice Cream Co. 



! i 

I I STUDENTS— 

j j You^llLike 

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D 



Model Laundry Co. 



SiicfcssiMs t(i S(iiHk'i-"s LauiHlrv 









! GIFTS 



1 I 
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T I 






I and 

! GREETING CARDS 



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1 I i 

! THAT ARE DISTINCTIVE 1 1 

i ! I 

I I I 

! .\(lv:int:iu<' i^ I" llii' IO;l!-lv Sliii|i|ic|-. Oiil- 1 I 

I I 



si.icks ;n-(' l;ir,iL;('r lluiii i'\ci- hdnrc. ('(Uiic 
lOarlv inid ax'oid tlic lasi iniiinic rush. 



a n 



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1^ 

Photo Engraved 

Ads 

Are Better 



n 



GK.GRUBB&CO 

ENGRAVERS 



A 



1 I ! 

t Strauch's 625 So. Wright St. i i 

I * I I 

j TllK AKT & (ilFT SHOP J f 

j TIk lloini- of (lood Kodak Fiiiiyli im/ I j 

I _' ' 1 I 

( 30 ) 






SIREN 



THE HOUR GLASS 




He — IIuw ill) yi)\i sn|i|iiisc llic lr:i(lili(iii uT kiss 
in;; Wiis iiaii(l('(l down? 

She — Oh, i)i-()i)ahiy from iiKnilh to iiionlli. 

— I'ri licet on 'l'i(/rr 



SIREN 






QUALITY 



Guff! 



I'liiy by 
I'Ol' A. COWE 



;ili<l 



i 
I 

I Si)ecify 

I oil y(jiii' pally order 



SERVICE 



j ARE USED BY US 

I GUARDEDLY 

1 

! Willi IIS llicy si^iiil'v sniiii' 

! lliinj; (Icrniilc wliicli may he 

j liilly (Icjx'inlcil uiioii liy mir 

j |),-iti-i)iis mill wliicli ;ils(i li;i\(' 

j licliiml tliciii llic iKiiiic — 

I 



Apperson Bros. 

Plumbing and Heating 

Phone 7-3760 .- 120 S. Race St. 
URBANA 






"I'wins." "Mow I'lants Grow," "The j 

Tale of Winifred." j 

S<"I';M-:: I.cMiely i-n:i,l. hkmmi. j 

|ircrci-iiiilc hii-^c ;in(l i-diiihI iif Ihc ] 

li:ii-\('sl \:iriely. ('(luplc, yoliii};, J 

llic iiKiii willi cdlleuc sli-i|)('s ill Ills j 

lie, liic ejrl wearing a jiin shaped 1 

like (oil, well — why s|i('cit'y ? l j 

I'ackilhic ill whieh Ihc coiiph' is I 

siltilij;. 1 

"Like im>?" I 

"^'(•SSSSSSS I" I 
"l,OV(' IIIC?" 

"I 111111111111."' 

I Silence I 

I I'muiiial ions i 
"()()■( 111 : Slo).:" 
••Wlial ?" 

■•Oil, sto|,:" I 

■•Wlial's (he IrcMilile, ilear. Don't [ 

yon love iiie'.'"' j 

"^■es — Inn. jileasc won't yon = 
stop di-oppine yonr ci.narette ashes 
down inv hack'.'" 



Berryman's 

Purity Bakery 
Goods 



% and you'll be pleased, both 
i as to quality and service. 

I Special attention to 

I Fraternity and Sorority 

I Trade. 
1 

Berryman's Bakery 

213 South Neil. 



j We make it RIGHT and deliver 
f it ON TIME 



( "iirtain. 









CORRECT 
STATIONERY 



Correct stationery is ahso- 
liitely essential Tor a "ood 
iiiipresshni. (!i\c your cov- 
rcspondence the proper dij;- 
iiily liy iisinu (he proper 
writing material. We have 

a coiiiplele lii T Maton, 

Crane and i'ike, and Wliit- 
inj; stationery. A distiiictive 
Ijajier for e\cry piirpose. 

Knowlton 

and 

Bennett 

URBANA 

We Lead in Even] Line W'c 
Carry 



"l ? 






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Schuler Bros. 



WHITMAN'S 



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We 

Print 

Everything 



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VosI S„li.slarh,n/ of all I I This is a first class jol. print- I 

j I iiij; sliu]) and oiir facilities j 

lin.r ('(unlii f I allow IIS to do the \ery host f 

I I "''^^■"'•'^- ' I 

! ! I'inCKS UIOASOX.VHLIO i 

Als(p lar.uc assorlmeiit of (mr ! [ [ 

! I Cunh 1 

i 1 AllllDiniCCIIICIlls 1 

1 I ami 1 

1 [ J'nH/rdiiix ! 

1 I ()),■/■ Siirnullii ! 

1 T ! 

1 ! I 

1 i Marriott's Print I 

j Shop I 

Helicioiis ! 1 ! 

I I 120 N. Walnut 1 

[ I Over Campbell's Restaurant | 

f j Phone 1698 J 

( 32 ) 



iwii hulk candies 



Our 
LKiilT LIXCIllOS 




S A 



Ipse Dixit 
and Galileo 



There was much learning but 
little real knowledge in Galileo's 
time (1564-1642). Aristotle was 
swallowed in bad Latin transla- 
tions. Ipse dixit. No one checked 
him by what seemed vulgar, 
coarse experiment. 

Galileo fought against the 
dead hand of tradition. He did 
not argue about Aristotle, but 
put him to the test. Aristotle led 
his readers to believe that of two 
bodies the heavier will fall the 
faster. Galileo simply climbed 
to the top of the Leaning Tower 
of Pisa and dropped two un- 
equal weights. The "best peo- 
ple" were horrified; they even 
refused to believe the result — 
that the weights reached the 
ground in equal times. 

"Look at the world, and ex- 
periment, experiment," cried 
Galileo. 

The biggest man in the i6tb 



century was not Galileo in pop- 
ular estimation, but Suleiman 
the Magnificent, the Ottoman 
Emperor, who swept through 
Eastern Europe with fire and 
sword and almost captured 
Vienna. Where is his magnifi- 
cence now? 

Galileo gave us science — 
established the paramount 
right of experimental evidence. 
Suleiman did little to help the 
world. 

Hardly an experiment is made 
in modern science, which does 
not apply Galileo's results. 
When, for instance, the physic- 
ists in the Research Laboratories 
of the General Electric Company 
study the motions of electrons 
inrarified atmospheres,or exper- 
iment to heighten the efficiency 
of generators and motors, they 
follow Galileo's example and 
substitute facts for beliefs. 



General^Elecflric 

general Office COIliP3.nV Sche ne ctudy.N.Y. 



% 



IT PAYS TO INSIST ON ARROWS 




$000 



^ . _ ordorv 

Arrow shirt 



I 



Tis made of a better oxford, in a fine tailor-like 
way, with sound big buttons put on to stay. 
It is essentiallya shirt built for service. The shirt 
has an attached collar made by the expert Arrow 
collar makers. It buttons in the back and at the 
tips. The cufTs are of the French model, or they 
have single cuffs which button with one button 

CLUETT, PEABODY fe- C O. INC.>/a^ers, TROY, N. Y. 




Open House During the Holidays 

lyttofnGoIle^ Sbop 

Make this Shop your headquarters while you are in Chicago — especially 
during the coming Holidays. Burchfield will be here. If you wish to 
think of clothes, he will have some new things to show you. 



Lytton College Shop 



ffl]B")Eii 



Second Floor 




Hemijf CLglton & Sons 

World's Largest Clothiers— STATE at JACKSON, N. E. Comer— Chicago 




./ 



v. 



^ 
¥ 



\ 



Y\\W^' 



cak» 




Eclipse of the sun 

THIS is the month when the sun is outshone, and 
we mortals draw greater warmth and sustenance 
from that homely provender — mince pie. 

It is the warmth of the holiday spirit, which causes 
human hearts to glow when temperatures ;u'e lowest. 
Mother's cooking — the family united — Christmas 
trees and crackling logs — what would this world be 
without them.'' 

In promoting the family good cheer the college 
man's part is such that modesty often blinds him to it. 

It would hardly occur to the glee club man to sing 
over the songs of Alma Mater for the still Dearer 
One at home. 

The football man would scarce!}- suspect that his 
■ younger brother is dying to have him drop-kick for 
the "fellers". 

The Prom leader would not presume to think tliat 
among those sisters who have been waiting to share 
his agility at fox-trot may be his own sister. 

And in general, college men would scorn to believe 
that any conversational prowess they might possess on 
books, professors or campus activities could possiljjy 
interest a certain Gentleman Who Foots the Bills. 

But just try it, all of you. The welcome you get 
will warm the cockles of your heart. 

This suggestion, amid sig-hs as they look back 
across the years, is the best way a bunch of old grads 
here know of wishing you "Merry Christmas". 




SIREN 






SUPERIOR FOOD 
Correctly Prepared 



Excellent Service 
Quick But Not Hurried. 
Desirable Surroundings 
and Satisfactory Prices 

(We Never Close) 



D D 



The rii\(ilciiis lhi|i|MT s;ivs lifi- cc. lirot. must lie 
lloiii (!cnn:iiiy licc:iiisc liis iii;irks ai't' sii l(i\v. 



Ill New IJrilaiii, Conn., a cat is laisin-; tliifc 
iiiicc. She cN idt'iitly expects a hard wiiitci-. 

S 

Tlie jjirls lioxiiij; course ciiiild he iiicliidcil in the 
domestic science dei)ai-1meiit. 

S — 



Statistics sliow tliat Ford made four (h)llars 
wliile vou were reading tliis. 

Horse slioe i)itcliin<i; is retui-iiing because it is 
so clieap. All you need is two shoes and a few chews. 



I 

I 309 N. Neil St. 



Twin City Cafes 



t;21 E. Green St. 



Actors look forward to the winter, audiences 
upiilaiid to keep their hands warm. 

A .Maine woman killed her Inisliaml and was 
freed, hut she shouldn't make a hahit of it. 

S 

The ditfereuce in kissing and being k'ssed is that 
there is no satisfaction in the former. 
[^ 

Some girls dance like feathers and others like 
porous plasters. 




The Store of 

A Thousand Gift 
Suggestions 

There'll lie little if any time when you get 
home just before Christinas to find the 
RIGHT sort of gift for the folks. Making 
that selection now and at W. Lewis & Co. 
will save time and money and insure sat- 
isfaction. 

W.Lewis 6^ Co. 

Champaign 



( 2 ) 



SIREN 



^M— mi m ;iii m .ui — lui m :m iiii uii »ii .1^ 

I I 

I 1 

j Specify j 

i on your party order i 

I i 

I I 

I Berryman's ! 

I 1 

I Purity Bakery \ 

I Goods 1 



and you'll be pleased, both 
as to quality and service. 

Special attention to 

Fi-aternity and Sorority 

Trade. 



Berryman's Bakery 

213 South Neil. 



STUDY IN IVORY 



We make it RIGHT and deliver j 
it ON TIME j 







cs. 



Your 
Xmas 
List 




j That list ol' yours! Is every naiiie 

J clKH-ked oH'? IF not, stop in and we'll check 

I them oti' with jiractieal gifts that are always 

1 welcome. 



Belts 



I Buckles 

1 (Jloves 

I Handkerchiefs 

I Hosiery 

1 



Jackets, Leather 

Mutflers 

i-'hirts 

Ties 



Celvim 

C/ CLOTHES SHOP 
.")30 E. Green 



Service! 



Vm- carel'iil atlention to 
every detail and the per- 
formance of that kind of 
work which stands f o r 
(juality, see — 



D 



Apperson Bros. 

Plumbing and Heating 

Phone 7-3760 _- 120 S. Race St. 

URBANA 




HlglLv3cllG0L 

^College 
P\]bliC5lon»s 

ENGP/VED3 

CHAMEAIGN ILL 



..4> *- 
( 3 ) 













For each name on your list there's 



Va?. 



just the right package of f^/i0t 



THE SAMPLER: Judging from its enormous popularity, the Sampler is the most 
famous as well as the most beautiful gift package of sweets in America. Chocolate and 
confections culled from ten other leading packages of Whitman's— famous since 1842. 

SALMAGUNDI CHOCOLATES: In their art box of exquisitely lacquered metal, these 
sweets have won a high place among critical candy lovers. "A medley of good things." 

PLEASURE ISLAND CHOCOLATES: Here is a gaily colored sea-chest with scenes 
from Stevenson's "Treasure Island" to charm the eye. Inside are precious bags of 
"bullion" and "pieces" in gold and silver. 

A FUSSY PACKAGE FOR FASTIDIOUS FOLKS: A luxury in chocolates. The 
box is in dark rich green, proclaiming the distinction of its contents. Chocolates with 
nut, and nut combination centers. 

LIBRARY PACKAGE: "Exactly right" to give to those who enjoy their candy as 
they read. The package resembles a leather-bound book in hand-buffed green and gold. 

SUPER EXTRA CHOCOLATES: (or Confections) as far back as 1842 were the 
standard of Whitman excellence. You'll want to write "Super Extra" opposite several 
names on your list. 

Hand painted round hoxei and /ancy bags, hoxei and cases in 
great var\el-j. See th.em. at the WKitman Agency «'hich serve.^ you. 

STEPHEN F. WHITMAN & SON, Inc., Philadelphia, U. S. A. 

Alsc makers of VhUmim's I nstantanrous Chocolate. Cocoa and MarslimalUm Whify 



Whitman's famous candies are sold by 

URBANA CHAMPAIGN 

University Pharmacy John Schuler &. Co. 



705 S. Goodwin Ave. 
Urbana Drug Co., 
Ill West Main Street 



Arcade Confectionery 0- A. Thornhill) 



SIREN 




( 5 ) 



^^^k..f 3- G.Jal 



/^oaxia ^ /^a. 



'\\avdf)\ (jo ill j'or II iiiiiiiclsli-iii : (jirc 'cut H — //.'.' 
So spoke I)e;iii Knkkolbergerpf, stable sargent of 
I'liit 57. Cottei", rising to disobey tlie iK)liceiiiairs 
suggestions, was knocked completely dead by a 
stray idea wliicli bappened to pass tliat way. How- 
ever. Nixon, who wa.s trained in ail ln-anclies of 
following tlie ball, fell on it for a basket, giving 
Austin a birdie !l. Driving Barnhurst back against 
the mess shack of birth 62, car Nesselrode, Kipling 
trumped his adversarie's seven but rolled l-t(i, losing 
tlie first set 90 to 38. 

In the next semester, Hull, who was majoring in 
Lincoln Hall, received a letter telling him of the 
birth of his second step-aunt. Throwing a timely 
quarter-of-a-cii'cuit drive between the jiiano and 
the wall, Nale scored the prettiest 1,000 centimeter 
free-verse ever witnessed at the Drake Hotel. Time: 
4 vears, 9 2-5 seconds. Hits 0. Runs 0. 




As the tire was exiieclcd to start at any time, 
Bill stepped upon the power and away we did go I 
Tlie engine knocked and knocked and the car swung 
from one side of the lake to the other. Protesting 
ilismally at ever}' eleventh swing. ■•/ iriU iriit hrr tit 
all cdstx," screamed Willis, absenlniindi'dly poking 
cigarette butts into the baby's gaping csopliagns 
as he philosophized. "Between the dawn ami the 
ilaylight,"" s](onted little Dorothy, going on lo mis 
(piote: "How I wonder wlial yon are?" Time out, 
Kenosha. 



Iloiil fiira qui iiial ij poise! 

So chirped the loj^al alumni of the Rnsh Medical 
school as they saw their team being defeated by 
the frightfnl score of (l to I by the Rush Medical 
school bowling team in a well played Hot-hand con- 
test. Seven before eiglit, chanted the men and wo- 
men at the Western Electric Company. Ad. there. 
Chicago's ball. 



! ? ! 



Drinking great (inantities of (ireen River, tiie 
editor basked in Berserk admonitions of his genial 
landlady. President Nero, famous as an exponent 
of the running drop-kick, spread his wings and re- 
doubled two Clubs. ••Fiiniish those pancakes!'' 
squealed the Manpiiss, slickest nickel counterfeiter 
in Story City, Iowa, as he clipjied the conjions of 
his preferred B. R.' T. Lebind Stanford: 1,17S; 
Briglitmire: Nothing, of course I 

AVitherspoon wound np with gusto; his figure 
eight motion twinkled like a Mazda lamp; he un- 
wound with tremendous alacrity, hut as Martha side- 
stepped, the clock si ruck tiro. Leaping nimbly upon 
»V«rofr - faire. his hied and convicted mare Adolph- 
us inhaled dcei)ly and jilayed the cue-ball for the 
middle of the street, or so it seemed to the fifty very 
odd (spectatoi's in the Brobdingnagian stadium. 
"dnifl". thundered ilie ])olitician. hammering out 
base hits at will. 'I'ate de fois gi'as?" .sang the little 
children from the home for pensioned cheer leaders. 
W'uu by Moixicli. Wright sli-eefcar second. Nobody 
came in third. The I'nion. C. Hnclianau. iS: Tukuiti 
Ninib also ran. 



( 7 ) 



SIREN 




Rotarian Rambles 

IJy Tik I i.ri Xinii; 
JEWELERS 

Jewelers ;iic iiicdirii^ililc I'liillisI iiics. 

They (]i) liol look with ;iii eye lor licMiily hut 
with a sonliil n'^Mril lor- lv;ii-;ils, wci^hl .iinl liiieiiess. 

I recall seeing; a jeweler sell .-I (|i,-iiii(Miil l;n;iiiere 
to a girl \ia her iiidiliei-. The tiirl liail a I'l-aiiile. 
delicate tyiie of heaiity. alllicnit;h she seeineil soiiie- 
what simple — the which is no j;i-eal I'aiill in a W(i- 
iiiaii. P.iit oni- Irailesiiiaii woiilil mil have it so. He 
wuiild iiol sell hei- a shy ami virjiiiial In-illiaiit 
]iee|)iiif' like a tire-kissed i-aiiidio]) Irum an e.\(|iiisile 
sheathiiiy of white gold. No. he must iieeils inn- 
vide her with a rolnistioiis jieriwig-pated diamoml. 
a very Falstall' of diamonds, such as swaggered and 
shone as thoiigh i1 were the oiitlammex of a fat com- 
mercial. 

Yes. jewelers are incorrigilde I'liillisI nies. 



Hastily donning his siiowslioes and w.-iter wings 
Chai-les Ciiaplin ran llie (jnarter mile in S days Hat. 

liattling Kisi hroke Harold Bell V>'righfs eon 
ception; Lydia riid<ham's hall. IFar\ai-d won the 
Interscholaslie : scoi-e : I'liixcrsily of Illinois — 00; 
Doc Heard— 00. Pirsl eiulilh. SH ! : ! ! 



-S- 



Here's to the Heathen 

The ]ioor lienighte(l heathen, lix'es in a foreign land 
He strnms his hanjo all the day and |ilays np the 

sand. 
He nevei' has an eiglil o'clock, nor oilier things as 

such. 
Nor .-I forty Ihons.-ind w(n-il thesis to scrihlile out 

for Dutch. 
He iloesii't eat in icsl.-inranls. and when he needs 

some hread 
He hits another heathen .leross his heathen head. 
He never has to change his socks, he has such 

simpl(> needs 
His ward rolie is well lilted oiil with shredded wheat 

anil heads. 
He's never heard of W'eiiick. nor A\'or<lswoii h. nor 

Koii.sseaii, 
But lie is Nature's Child aliighl. I.y "lod he'll tell 

you so. 
So if you gel your I'll. I >. why man your just a saji. 
Cause take it from a guy who kn(»ws the heathen's 

gol llie sn.ip. 

— D. C. A. 

( s 



HOT DOG VENDERS 

H(d dog venders are uu\y hy tolerance among the 
lesser Kotarians. They are not i)orteutious in the 
least hut are comuu)nly obliging gentlemen. 

Your hot dog man will prepare a tasty morsid 
^\■\^h all the care of a Cellini doing the Pope's stom- 
acher. He will shape and mold and fashion your 
liamburger with the craftsnuinship of Stradivarins, 
all the while telling intimate stories of his life. 

When the hamburger is done and in your jios- 
session he bestows the mustard pot at your service 
with all the grace of a prince conferring a duke- 
dom. 

Dideed T (Mice heard a vendor remark of certain 
liamburger as he tucked it into the snowy whiteness 
of a newly cut bun, "My Boy, that one has a touch 
of the golden Autumn brown on il." 

Ts it any wonder that I buy an atrocious number 
(>r hamburgers'? 



Obituary 



A golden s|)errit tapped on Jeddie's door, 
An called liini out to measure him fer wings. 
"Tliey aint no lo\in peace on High no more," 
She says, "Wo needs a soul what sings." 

"AA'e've heerd you callin grunters from th pen," 
She says, "We've heerd you yod'lin through th 

night.' 
Th Angel raised III brass boun maul o death — En 
.Ieddi<> turned his eyeballs out er sight. 

—The Walrus. 
) 



SIREN 



I SfWSE You HOPE 

Some dpx to see 
YOUR Child Wear 

NUMER/^I~S LIKE 







AMONG U 



Eggs — A Mystification 



Man. 

Destiny : Identical. 

Consider : 

Eggs in a pasteboard box. 

Man in a pasteboard world. 

Eggs in a bowl on the kitchen table waiting 

to be pnt into salad dressing. 
Man in college anxions to be nsed in the ])ap- 

rika sauce of tomorrow's ideas. 
Eggs in a crate on the way to a uiillionaire's 

home slip to the side-walk — l)reaks. Dog- 
comes along and licks ii|i egg. 
Miss l.nln Hett. 
Eggs fi'oni the dirtiest of 

a King's table. 
Man smiles and says it's a 

the dice. 
Scrand)led eggs. 
Marriages. 
Egg has its shell. 
Man has his conventions. 
Egg is in two parts — Yolk and \\'hite — each 

dejiendent. 
Man is Mind and Matter. Dependent"/ 
Eggs lose their individnality in an omelette. 
JIan insists njion going tu jiarades. 



l)arnyards grace 
in the throw "f 



Man. 



Destiny: 



Identic 



Song of Champaign 

A town of dirty streets and sqnalid sliacks ; 
A wliitf of gas-house air from o'er the tracks: 
The moon and stars half-hidden by the smoke; 
A far-off" hidden squall of student folk — 
All this, amid the shocks of rustling corn. 
And bumpkins looking on in stupid scorn. 
A sickly learning of a learned moi-ass: 
Champaign I where fears and nightmares come to 
pass. — The (Hbbering Idiot. 

S 

The Uni. Film Co. 

presents 

THE THREE MUSKETEERS 

1 )KAMAT1« I'ERSOJSTAE 

D'Artagnan Litman 

Athos H. S. V. Jones 

Porthos Olmstead 

Aramis Zeitlin 

The King McKenzie 

Richelieu Bernbaum 

His Flunky Weirick 

Buckingham Lybyer 



-PELICAN 



( 9 



Traditions 

Bv .1. F. 

The mini states in rather dogmatic terms that 
the Sachem Block I and the Sigma Delta Chi special 
edition of the wgcd are traditions. The (pialifica- 
tions for such classification seems to be [lersistence 
for two successive years. In view of this fact, may 
we not list a few more Illini traditions: 

TI'B's cover on the registration nuiidicr of the 
Siren. 

T\ikulti's deliberation on wliat Ten Eyck said 
about Noah's ark in history 50. 

The Law Club's threat to make the council of 
administration spend a night in the Frbana cooler. 

The petition (rejected willi much rcgietsi to 
make Thanksgiving a vacalioii. 

Beard's, Watkins", Ward's, e( al.'s (piasi jokes. 

The Illinois Mag's e\alnalioii of itself as some- 
thing "literary". 

The large feminine registration in Sociology 10. 

The campaign to clean up the boneyard. 
) 



SIREN 





CUBIST 

t\lVTIVVr LAU&WTPf^V</ITHIN MF WWCN FII^T 
I y-AW TWPM. I WA/ AMU/f Di BEYUND. WUITCr 
y.TuriM 1 l^FATi'VAMITY PA\R^' AMli "WC AB- 
UHAV^F" /AW "MAVS^'ANT^'PFrF^UNKIA" 
ANI^ BFCAMf CC7Nvg-F^Eb T^ TUC" BCAUT- 
IFy Vf- CUBiyJ AKT. TUIfN - 



WVIITN DAD>A1/M BCCAMF TMF (^&r I 
LAU5UFIN,. IWA^A CUBl/T ! I CCMFAJ^m IT 
ITWITM W/9R^ VC A LCCAL SCNlU/VrTW^ 
/UMMCR^ MY T!>7VUTiyN T\7 CUE.iy'M 

RAvc^ WAY T^ iwrg^g/T IN i^AibAiyn 

biyplTF ALL.ANb NV\Ay \ AM MVlCirD> — 
BFTWFFN Tur TWV . BUT- 



^^^^S^ ^1^ 


Pf 




^»iiiiiiiJ 


^^1 


^^^^^5^^^j|j| 


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srvMrwi/'T 

I L\7VrTWF CULMINATION ^P CUBl/M ,TM F 
Cil/V^I7rP^VC Q,AD>Aiy~M ,BUT TMF CSAJ^ 

YCV/R ('AJ^yW.Tur Tg-LPPWONf ^INEvC 

. -AU: ITWAyTWF y^UAW,/MFXi/Krb, 

•"TfD.,[^VNT YW JUyr A5VI^ BfyMETI([CI/MT' 
-AWD> N'C'W, -WUFR^ CV I yTANCi' 

T^D. CAP^fNTff^ o 




( 10 ) 



SIREN 



The Wet Towel 

Being a Number of Reviews on Current Campus Literature 

By Surlaw 



Fatigue of Metals. By H. F. Moore. 
Diagnosis of lazy bridge spans, witli a 
view to hoolv-worm treatment. Elec- 
trolysis as an energizer tor anaemic 
girders. Coast rifle massage and ice 
berg baths tor the rejuvenation of 
armor plates. Plaster casts to take 
dimples out of aluminum basins. 
Japanning as a re-enforcement for 
umbrella stands and nuxated iron for 
internal treatment of smoke stacks 
and boilers. An absorbing study and 
a priceless contribution to science. 

The Merry Bachelors. This naive 
collaboration of Kendrick C. Babcock 
and Bruce Weirick presents the 
tangled thread of the lives of two col- 
lege professors who tried to be sar- 
castic. The intimacy of the revela- 
tions in this new novel impresses us 
with the joy of wedded life. The 
climax, revolving about the question, 
"Wlio's got the button?", portrays a 
tragedy of lingering pathos. The in- 
troduction by Stuart Pratt Sherman is 
fairly good. 

Adored. By H. N. Hillebrand. A 
tragedy in three acts, casting up the 
broken hearts strewn in the pathway 
of a cold but conquering lover. Dia- 
logue crisp, with messes of passion 
and gallons of blubbering tears. No 
bed-room sets but reception and tea 
scenes of a high order. Yet the hero, 
we feel, is somewhat too compelling 
and the successive loves just a trifle 
facile. 

Overture 1812. This symphonic tone 
poem unpublished was adapted from 
the Russian by Albert Austin Hard- 
ing. It seems to be a realization of 
the dream of the prophet E. W. 
Morphy who is said to have mur- 
mured, as in a trance: "You've got 
the G C B and the pipe organ in full 
blast, Aus, but if you expect to smelt 
the heart clean out the savage col- 
legiate breast ; you'll have to unlim- 
ber the R. O. T. C. cannon and at 
the climax, demolish the Auditorium." 
"Supper time on the Ark" is Mr. 



Harding's subtle description of the 
gallant 275 in the act of tuning up. 

A Gondola on the Boneyard. By J. 
Howard Beard, M. D. A racy narra- 
tive of adventure and exploration on 
the Upper Boneyard from Neil street 
Landing to Salty Fork. Profusely 
illustrated, but pictures tainted with 
vulgarity, suggesting hippopotamus 
wallows and Front street garbage de- 
positories. Romantic spirit blurred 
with biological studies, partieularlylT 
of jungle beasts in native haunts. In 
demand for chamber of commerce 
reading rooms. 

Smearing: Its use as an art. B\i 
R. C. Zuppke. The world is indebted 
to Mr. Zuppke for the well-known 
school of art: "Paintings from life 
in Orange and Blue." Armed with 
tubes of these two colors only he has 
startled the mid-west from its smug 
corn shucking. His studies in home- 
coming smears particularly, have 
made his rivals uneasy. In "Smear- 
ing" he tells us how he gets away 
with it. "What counts most is guts," 
says Mr. Zuppke, "Drill sergeants to 
the contrary." A virile work. 

Domestic Relations. By Frederick 
Green. A confidential treatise on the 
obligations of parents to child as set 
forth in the law reviews contrasted 
with the demands of an infant to be 
walked after 2 A. M. and an attempted 
reconciliation through an application 
of the equitable doctrines of natural 
love and affection. This product from 
one of the best analytical minds in 
the profession sheds a new and radi- 
ant light upon the supreme problem 
of human existence. Privately 

printed. 

The Fatted Calf. For some years 
the familiar story of the Prodigal Son 
has received few annotations. Mr. 
Sleeter Bull, after years of research 
in connection with his classes in 
butchery and justifiiable blood-shed 



brings forward what he submits to 
be the true principles of slaughter 
and preparation employed in dressing 
the original marbled veal. Diagrams 
showing chops, and chuck, and dew- 
lap clarify the exposition, but con- 
tribute comparatively little to the 
moral of the original skit. 

Hack-Shakespeare. A series of 
tables handed down from the Mount 
in which we are commanded that Cor- 
iolanus said, "Tell me of corn," in 
.4ct III; that Sir John Falstaf was 
stout; that the Widow Beaufort mar- 
[ried Lord Stanley; that "rivage" is 
English for "shore"; and many other 
nice things that will not only give 
'our own personalities the lustre of 
literary accomplishment but will fit 
us to accommodate ourselves to apart- 
ment life or even coach us in writing 
the Great American Drama. Arden 
trappings at a bargain. Pickups and 
Stratford gossip. The latest edition 
on a strong market. 

Our Feathered Poets. This beauti- 
fully-bound pamphlet by Harry G. 
Paul is not a scathing denunciation 
of mob violence, but is rather a tabu- 
lation of the harmony and counterpoint 
of bird songs, as heard on Burril ave- 
nue. A sympathetic scanning of trill- 
meters: the iambio pentameter of the 
rain-crow and trochaic movement of 
the quail. Observations sustained and 
illustrated by excerpts from original 
verse. (Hitherto unpublished.) 

The Volstead Act. By A. H. Dan- 
iels. Defense of national prohibition 
as furnishing a wealth of materials 
for lecture and discussions in political 
and social philosophy. Mr. Daniels 
tells us that Mills was about played 
out, when the Eighteenth Amendment 
came to the rescue. The liquor is 
discussed on a non-partisan basis, the 
writer giving no clue as to his prede- 
lictions or as to whether he has a 
private stock. .Adapted for fire-side 
perusal. "Idea." spelled with an "r". 
Kindly. 



( 11 ) 



SIREN 




( 12 ) 



SIREN 

Be of the Newer Thought 

Fill ill llic first word that conies to yoiii- iiiiiiil. (»f course till If In on tlieiioifed line. y(nif result 
will no (loiilit lie a Dndaistic jewel. 

It is 

Where , where to. 

Let us 

A tire is 

To bed . . . 

This heat 

Oh: H 

The results obtained through use of my system are marvelous. No doubt you can see your own 
jirogress even now. For more information regarding the NEWEK THOUGHT, inquire of 

— LEFAX. 

We Dadaists ^^^''" ''i"'''^" ^"''"^^ 

fizzling rain A blush .... 

Sizzle . . . sizzle 

Algebra . . . Grrrr .^ 

Dance . . . dance 
Grrr . . . (irrrr Ssssssssss .... 

Moonlight . . . summer Gentle winds Home sweet 

Violet scented zephyrs Coolness Home. 

» » » 
Jurgen .... Snow^ 

Death, thy sting. Slush I was going home 

blackness Smiles . . . laughs 

Tee .... 

No soap Rrrr . . brrrr Quiet 

And so she died 

Oh : For summer More matches . . 

She .... » » * A puff . . . Two puffs 

I mean . . Moaning saxophone A stop 

Ayesha Blaring cornet 

The cards .... 

Morpheus Rythmic shuffling lost 

Searing heat O ! ... the lights Choochoo 

Souls aflame Deep shadows 

Off. 
( )Ii ! For winter Low- voices — Lefax. 

Since oysters have come back 9,(Kt(»,00fl pieces of Our Pacific ocean is so dry now that the other 

shell have been mistaken for pearls. day a shi]) Iiurned in it. 

S S 

A florist held his wife while another woman "NA'omen smoking is a great boo.st to the match 

slaitped her . . . and then she said it with industry. 

l>olicemen. S 

S Isadora Dnncan says that she dances with her 

A nickle is not as good as .-i dime but it goes to soul, but that isn't what she shows in her ]>ictures. 

church oftener. S 

( n ) 



SIREN 



Impressions of a Sorority Front Porch 




ILLUSTRATING "FUTILITY;" NEXT PAGE) 



SIREN 



Futility 



Effusion 



Of all the feci thai trod 

(tiir (lid jioi'fli steps at iiiidiiij;hl 

'S'diirs were the iiiost wily 

Aiulirose 

YdUi's were the most erafty, and sly, and exiierl 

1 II the paths of love 

For on the dance floor. 

Or in the love mood. 

They were never never 

Mistaken; 

And they teased and cajoled 

Tntil any girl 

Wonld have done for yon 

As they wished. 

Knt Ambrose, 

Why. Oh! why. 

Did yon stnndile 

After that silver moon-kissed night 
■\^'llen we had walked slow together 
Throngh the dim-lit colonades of elm trees, 
And yonr feet had trod on the broad walk 

Soft as the hnshed words from yonr li|)s 

^Xhx, Oh : why, 

l»id yon kick over the milk bottle 

On our old iiorcli steps at midnight? 

— Tnknlti Ninib. 
S 



All of Us 

(By ETAOIN) 

Asphodel may be all right — lint she's a \\'oman. 

I hate Women — all of 'em. Sinnously soft, cold- 
ly aloof, brazenly bold — all the same, the worlil over. 

Asphodel is a very Womanish Woman. 

Night before last I asked her for a date on the 
following night, which was last night. 

"Oh, dearest, I'd love to — yon are the oidiesl one 
I'd ever want to date with then — bnt 1 have so nuuli 
to do that 1 really must get some rest." 

And, being one of a species of Man known to 
till' >'ulgar as a Horse's Neck — I believed iicr inno- 
cent line. 

Last night after stndy 1 solaced myself at a res- 
taurant abont midniglit. 1 was coddling my coffee 
— indnlging in a very jdeasant dream — pictnring 
As]ihodel sleeping tiMistfnlly on her downy c(mch — 
when Asphodel, smiling, chattering in her intimate 
way — walked in — debonairly escorteil by my most 
hated Kival— the Tea Honnd! 

Confusion I Destrnction I 

Mv faith in Woman is ntlcrlv deslrovedl 



1 am a prodigions ( iiant 
Slonghing off seas from their basins 
With a scoop of my hand: 
Ciainching and pnlling np forests 
Like tearing April grass 
From its tender sockets : 
Hazing towns with a slight taji 
Of the toe-sipnishing ant hills 
On the brick sidewalk. . . . 

I am a prodigions (iiant 

Reaching nji and wliiiling stars 

On their pin-wheel axes ; 

I .juggle other worlds 

Like air-fllled balloons; 

I tear oj)en the bine veil of Heaven 

And step over the adamantine gates. 

Shake hands with St. Peter and 

Slap God on the back ami say: 

''Well, w-ell, here yon arc!" 

I rip open men's bi-easts 

And look inside at their hearts . . . 

God I What a mess they are I 

Conrage and fear of pain, 

Jlorbid, cringing, yet langliing at Desfiny- 

Love, a thousand kinds. 

Sex complexes; phallic, neurotic jiassions; 

Hate, pride, bitterness, and)ition, avarice. 

Kindliness, malice, benevolence . . . 

(rod ! What a mess I 

Hnt 1 keep aloof I 

1 am a prodigions (JiantI 

I am an Undergradimte! 

Unfettered by convention. 

Have no convictions .... 

Watch me when 1 siarf telling the world. 

The other fools wiote with 

A fragile reed on sea sands . . . 

I, — I will pluck the tallest pine 

From Norway's frozen shores; 

I'll dill the tip of this tallest i)ine 

Into the crater of Wsuvins 

And inscribe my talc in tire 

On the bni-nislied lica\'cn . . . 

Ami I'd like to see some 

Classical wave from the academic ocean 

AVash that out! 

1 am omnijiotenl and supreme! 

1 am a jirodigious (iiant I 

I am an Cndergraduale! 



( 15 ) 




L. V. Tru;(;s, lUlitor 

Exchange Editor. Raiulall l>ii)pell. 

Contributiug Editor. Francis Coughlin. 

Editorial staff: Don Allen, Helen Brehm, Charles 
Koyes, Douald LaFuze, Allan D. Parsons, Sam 
Shapiro, Bob Seaman, Files Krieckhaus. 

Editorial Contribntors : Dorothy Dunsing, Flo- 
rence I'.allinger, Hally ronieroy, Ueorge Hosen- 
beig. 

J. A. Keith GircuJulinH MaiHujcr 

AViLi.ARi) B. CiKTis ^■'H'H Mamiyvr 

R. J. Weber Foreign Advertising 

BiRT HiRi) Local Advertising Mgr. 



\l. \{. Fowler, Hiisiiunk Miniiigcr 

Art Editor, Robert F. Goodall. 

A.vt Staff: Ted Carpenter. Kiitii Dixon, John 
Conghlin, Don Pronty, T. P. Bonrhiiid. Helen Hot- 
tinger, B. Shryock. 

Contributing Artists: J. W. Atkinson, E. A. 
Tanbert, "Pud" Puderer, Jack Hazelhurst, Flo 
Specht, Helen Brehni, O. K. Johnston. 

Business Stajf Assistants— I). V. Miller, C. H. 
Henderson, C. H. Goodjiasture, Clifford Arnholt, C. 
H. Terence, J. W. Rayney, E. E. Braznell. Robert 
Buehler, (i. II. Corev. 



Published monthly bv the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as sec- 
ond-class matter at the postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by Act of Congress, March 3, 1S79. Office of publication, Illini 
Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 113 Uni- 
versity Hall, Urbana. 



Kincr tills is flir dadaist issue of the SIREN, and i)i consciiucnee didicaled to futililii. and since 
both editorials aud verse are especiaUji futile, ve wre in a quandarg as to u-hicli would Insf f utilize 
tliese pages. 

After a dui consideration of the litevarg taste of our campus we decided 1o run verse. 

If u-e had van a htant; jiai/e it niiglil possibly have ev(d;ed tliougJit a iid roni nient. 'I'his must not tte! 



Exile 



We've traced white pathways over moonlit sands. 
And builded castles far away in Spain; 
Where stately galleons, resplendent came. 
And Saracens in graceful sarabands 
Amused us with the lore of other lands. 
But when the brazen voice of toil demands 
Our life in payment, you'll complain. 
And say that Life has made our Love profane 
And filled the golden days with reprimands . . 
Oh, you will coldly laugh, and then in scorn 
Revile all things and Heaven up above; 
Where is fulfillment of our days when Love 
Feeds only love, with very Life foresworn! 

— L. 



Second Sonnet to Agnes 

For love is such a passing thing, I think, 

I shall not pass the silver-sandled hours 

With longing when so many others drink 

At that cool fountain, rimmed with purple flowers. 

I shall not dream of gardens where you walk. 

Nor shall I think on just the way you look; 

I shall not hear the laughter when you talk. 

Nor shall I like the way you hold your book. 

Oh, there are many, many things I shall not do-- 

Shall strictly regulate my thoughts of you; 

You'll never really know how I resolve 

To stay unscathed, nor let my mind revolve 

About you — "I don't care!" is it you say? 

Well . . . tomorrow is another day! 

— L. 



( 1(5 ) 



SIREN 



If I Were God 



Remonstrance 



If I were God I would the pages turn 
Where once I wrote; nor silent funeral urn 
Could liold the ashes of a life so sentient. 

I could then see the paper castles burn 

Of waking youth, whose dawning sky was rent. 

And had no wine to mute the discontent. 

I could then taste the bitterness and tears 
And smile in poignant sympathy; and fears 
Could curse again, to consecrate the day. 

I could then hear Old Phillistinia's jeers, 
And her advice to save his soul and pray, 
When he had damned their special god one day. 

Backward, page on page, the records burn — 

But am I not God? Could I not spurn this testament 

And live another book without the tears? 

If I were God, I would not change a day! 

— L 



Death is a little thing they say 

A breath perhaps of fog and pain. 

Perchance some small regrets and vain, 

A drowsiness . . . and the far pathless way. 

They say this who are old and wise. 

I may not doubt, I cannot know — ■ 

But, God! the sun is living on the snow, 

And winds are keen and blue December skies. 

— F. C. 



-S- 



Disappointment 



When we have gone our several separate ways. 

And Time and Space their fatal residue 

Of cold forgetfulness between us two 

Has thrown, between us and the halycon days, 

I'll know how small a thing my friendliness 
Has been to you; nor do I now forget 
That strange distorted hour when last we met 
And parted, you with your cold selfishness. 



Alone 



I used to think a fleet of Chinese junks 
With lighted lanterns sailed the Milky Way; 
Their twinkling lights, the stars: 
The dew, the water dripping from their oars; 
And when the Dawn appeared, they sailed away. 



I wanted friendship, light, and happiness; 
You sneered at some small thing I said of one 
\Vho shone more brightly in the realm than you 
You laughed with awful, wanton carelessness. 

Of your revenge when she surpassed your sun- 
Ill will, age-old, was in your heart, I ^knew. 



Elfin children, fairies — all my loves 
Who lightened all my hours in blithesome play; 
They stole to me one night and bade good-bye. 
Then climbed aboard a junk that sailed the sky 
And when the Dawn appeared, they sailed away. 

Last night, to weary, most, to feel the pain, 
I lay awake and gazed along the misty way. 
The Junks were gone, the lights, the oars, 
And all my friends; and dully shone the stars. 
I wished for Dawn, so I could sail Awav. 



Villanelle of an Aid Love 

I thought when Love was dead that I'd die too; 
Not even Paradise could keep us, each alone — 
Yet I live on, and smile at thoughts of you. 

I'll ne'er forget when we said we'd be true 

To one another, each the other's Own; 

I thought when Love was dead that I'd die too. 



I often wondered what was left to do 

If you should go and leave me all alone — 

Yet I live on and smile at thoughts of you. 



Triad 



Comes the day when Memory 

Is all I have, 

I want these things to be: 

To remember great men without envy. 

To remember women without desire. 

And to remember you 

As on that splendid day in Spring; 

Without regret .... 



We quarrelled once, I know :'Twas something new; 

How dear we were, how anxious to atone! 

I thought when Love was dead that I'd die too. 

Only once could we live happily, us two; 

Our days but once with scented rose-leaves blown — 

Yet I live on and smile at thoughts of you. 

How resolute, at first, how brave and true — 
Then, a too slight kiss, a quick word thrown — 
I thought when Love was dead that I'd die too; 
Yet I live on and smile at thoughts of you. 



SIREN 



The Shooting of Dan McBrew 



I A jl', lollies hi Holt .Vr/TJrr I 

A liiiiicli (if lilt' boys weri' wlioojiinj; it up in ;i low lirow ivikU-zvohs. 

Ill :i iiilc of (lirl s:it the sliaiiicli'ss skirt who is known ;is the l.ady \a>u: 

llcr checks were as red as tomato soup, hut her mouth was twisted willi pain. 

And lici- sunken eyes were like codlisii ]iies tiiat have laid nine days in liie rain. 

In the murky haze from a sooty still stood the hoys, alilthy cicw. 

lint the tilthiest man of this sipialid elan was the danjierous Dan MeHrew. 

He was sinfjin-; the pfaise of jire- Volstead days, when he drank his reil-eye raw. 

How he lived for a week in a hlizzurd hleak, on a plate of cahhaf^e slaw. 

"Wlieu in reeled a man more dead than alive, with a beard like a wire mat; 

He looked rifjht well like a tiend from hell, just in from hell, just in from a ten day bat 

He shrieked, as he stajigered across the floor, with a face as black as sin. 

'•You swiped, damn you. you hound JIcHrew, nui bottle of (iordin (iiii!" 

Boom: All that was left as a bullet strayed throui;li a cask of fenneiitinii beer. 
Was a strip of carmine jietticoat which hung from the chandelier — 
So beware of yeast and women, lest the same should hajipen to you, 
F(u- strong men ipiail at the terrible tale of Dangerous Dan McKrew. 



Black and Whit( 



Lib Science *23 



Right Cheering 



(■ jilelc ("c'-lOd Library 

(Single editions in each room. Bonmi volumes 
in sorority jiarlors. I 

1. STUDENT DIRECTOBY— An invaluable aid in 
locating your man. (Jives his home address and 
middle name besides his address in (Miampaign. 
Credit hours tell whether eligible to the Jnnior 
Prom. An indispensible v(dnme when nsed in 
conjunction with the "I" book. 

fn.stniclioiis — locate yimr man. get his ad- 
dress, (note credit lioursi then c(uisult "I" 
book for his fraternity. 
•2. "V BOOK— A useful handbook to locate frater- 
nity addresses and jihone uninbers. Second 
half contains a diary which saves confusion 
when used as a date book. 
."!. ILI.lO— I illustrated I — A facsimile edition of the 
man you are looking for. Completes your 
probleni and jnctures strengthen your memory 
associations. Is valuable when used with Stu- 
dent Directory and "I" book. 
TiistnicfioDx — Consult Student Directory for the 
man's name, (knowing first name, middle name, 
course, and home address aids in ac(inaintances i. 
AVith name and Champaign address in mind consult 
'•1" book f(u- his fraternity. Then with the ai.l of 
the lllio index locate his iiiclnre and ti-.-Uernity 
house (also notice if ])in is desirablei. 

—P. B. 

S 

The P.ilile says that all men are liars. 1 snjiixise 
that the wrilei- of (lie line knew that it was nune 
cessary to assefi that women are. 

( 



Oh Homer in his classic epic tells 

Of many a noble face among the (Jreeks: 

They were a sw.iriii of ctirly-headed Sliieks 

Save one they called Thersites "mong the Hells; 

He had a face that early scmred cream. 

Ami made a Orecian tabby throw a tit 

His mug was one of those you'd like to hit 

In homeliness Thersites reigned supreme. 

Now ])raise of Nireus everywhere was heard; 
And women used to light abcuit that boy. 
"The loveliest man that ever come to Troy," 
(Book II, in line Six-hundred Seventy-third) 
Well both men kicked the tin and had to go 
On the same day in Charon's anti(iue raft 
Acros.s the Styx, (it was a leaky craft). 
And soto wdiere King I'Into lived below. 

King riuto sat and listened to the din. 
That mortals make when demons gnaw their ril 
"Another load of mortals here, yonr Nibs." 
"All right." said Pluto, "Hermes show them in." 
"Its Niretis and Thersites. Cesarevitch." 
Said Hermes as he lead them through the door. 
Said Pinto. "Yes Pve heard of them before. 
Hut tell nie. Hermes, tell me which is which." 

— D. C. A. 



-S- 



N'ow is the time when those who said: "I'm tak- 
ing it because of my career" — are saying — "I don't 
care, jnst so 1 get the credit." 

IS ) 



SIREN 



Misplaced Egoes 

By Eor.KUT F. (iouDAi.i, 



Tn (im- lniiiihlc ()])iiii()ii, wliicli nobody cares Miiytliiiiii ahoiit save ns; and is la i- lidni linnililc any- 
way, the world wonld \k' a iiiufli happier ]ilace 

//. iiistrad of Ben Hrcht, Dad Elliot had written FAXTAZITS :MALARE. 
//. iiistrad of lirriKird Sliaii\ Henry Ford had written BACK TO METHUSELAH. 
/■/, iiislnid of FJcinior U. I'oiUr. Sinelair Lewi.s had written I'OLLYANNA. 
//. iuxliad of Saiiiiirl I'cin/s. Mrs. Mead's Husband liad written MY DIARY. 
//, iii.stnid of L. //. ./oiinial. Doc P.eard had written KlOO BEST STORIES. 

//. iiixtiod of /•'. SrotI rif:i/rnild, Slnart 1*. Sherman had written THE BEAFTIFIL AND DAMNED. 
//, iiixiciid of Siiiiiuil Siiiilrs. I'onzi had written SELF-HELP. 

//. iii.striid of Sir ./(iiiirs liiiiiir. Tommy OTonnor li ad written SENTIMENTAL TOM.MY. 
;/. iiistidd of Frank Horiish,/*. Podolf N'ahaitino had written HOW I MADE A MILLION DOLLARS 

WITH A TOY. 
;/, iiislriid of IJd(/<ir h'ici' liiirroiu/lis. Warren U. Hardin-; liad written TARZAN OF THE APES. 
ifjtistciid of Thoriitoi, H. /{h/v/c.s.v, A. A. Stagj;, Sr.. had written BED-TIME STORIES. 
//. iiistciid of Wiilfir Ciiiiiji, Jackie Coogan had written THE DAILY DOZEN. 
//, iihstcad of //. L. M< nrkrn, H. L. Mencken had written MY COMPLETE WORKS. 
*Mr. Hornsbv invented MECCANO (adv.) 



The Other Wise Men 



Imperfection 



Xo Clothes 
An xVrtist 
No Looks 
A Line 
No cai* 
A Ford 
No Vande\ill( 
Movies 
No Malted 
Cokes 

No Flowers 
Kind Words 
No Bradley 
Crystal Lake 
No Money 
Sense ! 

S 



Very Nice 

A j>ciitle dame was pretty Jane— 

A hit contrary : 

Yet, all in all, (|nite satistact"i-\ 

We ))lann('d to marry. 

Occasionally she'd li.ini; me one 

And knock me flat ; 

A little rash — lint kind eiinnj;]i. 

Aside from that. 

Well maybe once slie ilid alteiiipi 

To take my life; 

Still, on the vaerajjc. she's 

A rislit nice wife. 



By Dorothy Dttnsino 

He was an ardent lover, an intellectual man, a 
man of tlie finest moral fibre and he was madly in 
love with me. But he had an abominably large chin 
— a Hai)sburgian aftair wilich projected out far be- 
yond his other features. Oh, never ! 

I went down to the beach and .sat on the .sand 
close to the water. As far as I could see in any di- 
rection, there was not a human being, or the signs 
of one; at my back the beach ended in tall hills of 
thick stubbly grow-th and on each side of me the 
sandy shore stretched away into narrow yellow 
points. I had the lake all to myself. 

It was gorgeous! Just where the sky began to 
grow faint and ])ale, the color of fragile blue china, 
it was banded by the lake's freshest strip of blue — 
a color as intense and brilliant as some cut and pol- 
ished jewel. A wider ribbon of a lighter, tenderer 
tone broadened toward the shore and faded into a 
thousand sparkling, shifting tints of palest opal. 
Nearer still, lacy little w-avelets pattered toward me 
and poured their miniature crests onto the sand. 

The whole was vast, alive, vibrant, deep, tender, 
comprehemling. .Vbove ail, its lu-anty was ])erfect ! 

But no I I came to a tliin line <ir ini|ierfectiou — 
dirt dejjosited on the sand by those seemingly guile- 
less waves; dirt tossed up and roll(>d back and tossed 
11]) again on their fi-o(liy lijis ,ill along the shore like 
a soiled collar 'i-ound a lovely lady's neck. 

What use? I went home and that night accei)ted 
the man with the large chin for mv husband. 



( 19 ) 



SIREN 



Seminariad 



|{V II.M.i.V l'<iMi:l!()V 



ir I should Wlilc :ll. ('Iiic |>(iclll, I slidlllil wrilc III' 
tlic sciiiiliars. };|-ccii. ;;r:iv. .iiiil lirown ;iii(l I(mI sciiiiii 
ill's. I'ronsaltii'* wuiild he mv iiiiisi\ id Iht wiiuld 
1 ciitrust my pen. 

*Note: Fi-oiisiillM is Ilic IJoiiimii dictv troiii wImiiii 
llic nitidfrn word Ili^li IJrow is derived. 

KOOK I ((irayi 

Itooic one should lie oT the classics seiiiiiiar. if I 
sliould write an eiiic jxiem. In niijihty line and lioni- 
bilstif verse I would siuj;' of the shiny noses and 
narrow shoulders of these worsliipjiers of (ireeU 
beauty. AVith mellow tone and deep dark shadows. 
I'd sing of the dust decked hrows and lu'ohosci of 
Virgil and Horace and Homer and Demosthenes. 
In rythmic volume I'd sing of the commerce stu 
dents assimilating their culture in capsule doses in 
English oJ:. Of the dust and sipieakiiig shoes and the 
engagees seeking quiet and of the bellowing laughter 
and tirades of speech from the (Jreek professor in 
Klysian fields of the council room, I'd turn many a 
line to them. 

BOOK II (green) 

The ne.xt would be of the Seminar of Phiolsopliy 
and Education for the middle of a literary sandwich, 
liaving neither the crust of a .startling opening nor 
of a. snappy ending is ever the poorest and weakest. 
Through devious ways and wrong doors, like the lab- 
yrinthian trail of Minotaur is the way to the Phil- 
osophy sem. There serious graduate students with 
blond hair and round faces croudi over thick books 



with long ]iai-agra|)hs. It is a sem without a soul, 
and worse witliont an .Vt mospliere. ( >li w(ud sacred 
to all litei-ateni-s: 

HOOK 111 I red I 

Seminary of .Modern Languages, room of red 
books, black hair and red dresses. Kotnnd. little gen- 
tlemen with black moustaches, dandinir and black 
brief cases patter from the door to the graduate 
room. It is a place where peoide i-ead racy I'rench 
novels with a serious face. 

BOOK IV (tan) 
One floor up sleeps the History and Political Sci- 
ence sem in a blaze of light. Death to thought. Of 
this one cannot sing, one talks in Johnsonian prose. 
Pass on, ye muse, to fertile lands and leave the 
])lains of histrionic histriology to their stitf collars 
and world tolerance. 

BOOK V (brown 1 

And last, with sweep and vision and depth and 
l>assion will I sing of the lOnglisli seminar. "The 
sem", guilded cave where Sibylline muses scatter to 
the winds of pages of free verse and Chaucer trans- 
lations. Where beautiful gentlemen, with eyes that 
raise and gaze, how they gaze, into the eyes of the 
ladies across the tables from them. Tall thin men 
with tan leather cases and chunky ladies iu old 
sweaters pad-pad into the inside sanctum sanctorum 
where they converse in shrill tones and sing shady 
songs in the evening. 

All this, and more, were I a Homer, would I 
have sung, if I had writ a Seminariad. 



On the Elusiveness of Cash A Story With a Vengeance 



A TALE 

She heard a nickel chiriiing in the trees, 
The old landlady did. and grim and dower 
Lugged forth her trusty ar(|uebus to shower 
Hot lead upon it that the midnight breeze 
Might sigh bereft, for she would salt away 
That nickel, yea, and grind and sipieeze 
Its very lifeblood out, but ere the day 
Disturbed her doze the nickel tlew away 
A student had approached; it might not stay. 
— Tukulti \inib 



"It was ill Kentucky. In the iiiountaiiis. Moon- 
shiners and revenooers were strewn about the land- 
scape. On raged the battle. By some streak of 
fate two warriors chose the same defense — a lone 
bush. They gazed ahead. One man was looking 
for a law breaker. The other searched for a law 
enforcer. They aimed their AVinchesters. The reve- 
nooer stooped, discovered his neighbor, and whis- 
pered, 'Keep stiir." 

'•Well?" said the co-ed as her Sunday afternoon 
visitor liesitated. 

"Oh. he did and he iliiln't and now he isn't." 



( 20 ) 



SIREN 



Heh! Heh! 

Hy Ai. I'AKSOXS 

"This is whore 1 iiiake a hit." iciiiai-kcil Ur' pile- 
1 1 river as it descended. 



-S- 



"Jlerrily we roll aldiiy. mil aldiii;. — " saiiy; the 
liiiid)le -hugs as they cheerliiUy perloriiied their 
tasks. 

S 



liislriietdr in (ie(il<)<;y: •'lla\e any of yciu seen 
Nia<;ara Falls?" 

IStnde: "Xo, none of iis have been niaiiied yet." 

S 



''Gee. but this is borinji." remarked the bit to 
ilie brace. 

"Silhouettes of blooded Araliians." remarked the 
embryo I'hi Bate, wearily dragfiiuj; honiewaid, 
"those Artwillerv plugs are animated earthijuakes, 
crossed with pile di-ivers, ui)on which have been 
surreptitiotisly grafted malevolent Missouri mules." 

S 



It is with contemptuous condescensions that the 
Engineer regards the Liberal Arts student as au 
ert'eminate, idealistic pedant; and it is with the same 
contemptuous condescension that the Liberal Arts 
student regards the Enginerr as a boorish, ''calc- 
ind)ibing personification of toil" incapable of lofty 
aspirations. The commerce student |)atvoni/.es tiieiii 
l)oth. 

In this land of itrohibition "appai-ently" oidy a 
]uison has its bars. 

Who woiddn't be a poor butterfly if he had a 
jirobosc'is for a nose? 

S 

AVe venture to believe that the gross conceit of 
a Freshman Star Kliet. section is exceeded only by 
that of a senior section in Law. 

S 

Apropos: would that some of our engineers, 
jiii.f Ki hciv would determine the ("oetticient of P^xpan- 
sion of the ("ranium due to adulation, idolatry, and 
sycophancy of the Imi jioloi. The slide rule miglit yet 
come into use in determining the si/,e of the hat I 
S 

She: "I'm cobl." 

He: "I'm so sorry, .(anies. home please!" 



SHOULDSAYNOT! 

I never take a street car home 

For when I'd meet my spouse 

She'd say "(lood heavens! Yon are late. 

Take that out of the house." 

— Pop A. ('owe. 
S 





'padclirrc i? 

tkat ittb(znse sc/b o[ 

peiton,alvays dzczp- 

u\m, just \[o^ lb IS 
— 1 sc/ect ca/Vamefi. 



Chi9 19 tke 
soi^ of fellow 
wKo sits up 
nights Rguriti^ 
ouc ne^ci^asc?s 



AD 

kfad ocK 



( 21 ) 



SIREN 



The Professional Incubus 

I'.i S. ( ), s, 
THE ASCETIC 

'I'.ill, aiuMiiic. Willi :i six inch roiclKNiil, lie sits 
s<imltci-ly at Ills di'sk at the iihiironn. ami ilisdaiii- 
I'nlly rcfiarils the asscinliled sclidlais. His licad is a 
|i('i'|ict<ial advert iscniciil lor llfrpicidf. I{ccoj;iii/, 
ilij; tlit'il- (liseaii, tlic wiseacres <;allu'i- in the lasl 
twii rows, liuiiwiiii; Ihal I he i^oldeii snectacle(l crea- 
tine will vkv mil wlial lillle iiiiuwiediie I here is 
l)res(Mit t'l-oiii llie froiil idw oT iiilelh'cliials. To lie 
facetious is suicichil lo jiassini; llie course, lo nod 
Uliderstaiidiu^ly e\cr\ ihirly oi- lorly seconds, is lo 
know that au A will lie our reward at the end of 
the semester. 

THE RUNT 

This weazened. Tuc tool I wo indixidnal may lie 
diininnli\c jihysically liul he will hax'c yon know 
thai inleHeclnally he is a wlii/.. I>"i\(' ami six syh 
laiiled w<irds einerj;c rroni his lower and n|i|ier max- 
illiaiy as it he knew what Ihey meaut. lie drowns 
you in a sea of words, and yon are just going under 
for Hie lliird lime when the liell riuf;s. His eves are 
(•a\ciiis of tire, and woe be unto yon if you cannot 
recite coiiectly. He glares al you as if you iiad com- 
mitted first degree murder. Listen, young fellow, 
in tlie chissroom. you may lie the cock of the walk, 
but outside — well, we won't j^el fowl. 



is Ihe recluse. kee|>inii lo llie n nlret|iieii|il paths of 
the campus, and when on a popular thoroughfare, 
bowing his head low as if Ici ,i\(iid recognition or 
to recogiu/,e. About the seminars he sliid<s fnrlisely. 
di]i|iing into moss-draped volnmes and taking copi 
oils notes. We'll liel Ihal on his person, yon can lind 
classics from prehisloric ages. .\nyl hing thai smacks 
of llie modern, he does mil even give enough atten- 
tion to siiitf al conleni]il iionsly. With his head 
bowed low. lull his mind in elherial realms, he is 
with us, but not of ns. 



THE WIT 

lie lacks ihe (h'cency lo gi\c yon a cixil answer, 
but is forever snarling back sarcastic bits of ad\ice. 
JIake a faux ]ias in recitation and he will devasiale 
you with a humorous remark ihal brings down the 
house, because the latter, knowing him for what he 
is, i-ealizes it is the best road lo a good grade. Beaten 
at his own game in a verbal battle of swords, he 
adopts the unsportsmanlike tactics of shutting yon 
with a warning on the e\ils of being too sourcastic. 
He may be funny — (this is sarcasm). 



THE MODERN 

The friend of the student is his self-labelled mon- 
ickei-. He dashes about wilh the jn\eniles on the 
camiius, and is gullible enough to think that they 
crave his company for his personality. It's grades, 
my boy, grades. He attends Kiulolph Valentino 
shows, the ()r])h. is seen with "Snajipy Stories" and 
laughs u]iroai-iously at the chesfnul. "Were you ever 
]iinched for speeding " "No, but I've been slap]ied." 
He a\()ids his fellow ]iedagogues as if they were the 
jilagne, and all in all lliinks himself a regular fellow. 
Too late; your yonlli has Me 1 ami yon cannot regain 
it no matter how hard you try. IJack to your miisly 
tomes. 



THE SCIOLIST 

Dates, meaiiingless bits of information, and gen 
eral useless iiiforination is what he makes you learn. 
He admits from the start that you don't know a 
thing, and proceeds to nuike your condition still 
worse, by teaching you still less. At the end of the 
course you may remember in what corner of the 
tield the battle of AVaterloo was fought, why the 
gerund should be used more, or where the light goes 
when it goes out, but we doubt it. To wdiat end, 
<>, Meticulous of the Meticulous, to what end".' 



THE ANCIENT 

Von will know him whether he has a flow injj 
beard or a mouslache. or if he is clean sliasen. lb 



THEY ALL DO 

To be masculine and cynical is ]iermissible for 
then your readers know you don't mean what you 
say, but the unfair se.\ attempts to wield a sarcastic 
pen and mean it. Vesterday 1 ovcu-heard a bobbel- 
headed damsel benH)aning the degeneration of the 
males, and lati' last night as 1 strolled down iireen 
street, an o|)en car s]ied by. Two rather itnimately 
sat on the back seat. He was a cakecater. the first 
to use the latest trick tronser innovations. They 
regarded each other rawlher amorously. .\nd then 
1 looked at her. It was my cynical friend of the 
niorninu. S.(>.S. 



A certain young man from the sticks 
Thought that he was the cat's meow 
So he hung around Ihe .\rcade 
And shot ci-ips with the I'hi <lams 
And now he's lioeini; corn a"ain. 



"Being a good s|iort" is the fool's excuse for his 
behavior. 



The saddest day of the year has changed to the 
day you can't meet your Stadium pledge. 



( 22 ) 



SIREN 



Atonement 

l!y \'. J'. 

])c;ncs(, 

l>:iiii|i wiiiils ;irc lil(p\viii<; 
Fresh fi-oiii 1 lie sea : 
Last rays of tlio sun gleaiiiiii^ 
Tliroiif^li raindrops that han<> 
J'''r()iM tlio tree by my \viii(h)\v: 
The Sunset is golden, scarlel ami liinc; 
Sti-ealced flames of cloud raee low ai;ainst llie sUv. 
The ilay is swift passing. 
.Vnd I. — I lean fi'oni my window 
To see the tliiuie clouds 
Tlirougli tlie mist of (ears. 
And wonder if our Jieai'ts could meet 
l''ar-otf upon that sunset sea, 
Jjiive silken sails emerging 
And fading into one. 

S 

The Result of an Afternoon 
Spent With Stephen Leacock 

(Jenevievel 

You lovely angid with your adnural)le poise I 

You electrify me at a football game with your 

-At fa boys!" 
<ienevievel 

1 knew last night a I P.radley's. life was sweet — 
1 swam in the lustrous pools that were your eyes. 

My feet 
Tr(»(l as on air. No other pleasure can compete 
^\'ith the pleasure of scpieezing your warm and 

t hr( )bbi ng self — replete 
W'itli cliarnis. You, descending into tlie vernacular, 

are my meat. 
( ienevieve I 
Yesterday a kiss dropl fiom your lips I 

Your li])s 

As warm 

And luscious 

As tlie honey niusi he 

That Ihe bnmlileliee 

Sips! 
Yesterday an ()i-plieuni bearer-pass from your purse 

Disi-egarded sli])ped 

And I nip])ed 

ll from a muddy grave or worse. 

I'll use it all winter I 
Yesterday you made (lie .luiuor i'loin comniitlee. 
<» (Ienevieve! Sweet ( 'icuexieve ! 

1 wonder who'll be 

The lucky man 

You'll take to the Prom! 



Thou rubi-ic o\al. 

Jniparter of a diaiihanous glow; 

Blessings I 

Last night was I bea\itifid. 

More beautiful than a li.izc ,ii dawn. 

Today I wear his |)iu ! 

Abide, rouge box. 



-S- 



— F. B. 



A Dadaistic Conception of 
"Sharks" 

l'>\ Sa.m ( ». Sii.u'iuo 
Outside the wind is blowing. 
A\'orking up a slather of mirk — 

1 wonder what Ihe lissure of 
Orlando ever caught. 

I am freezing to (h'ath. 
15ocaccio, I am dying. 

Dye, leojiard, 

Change your s]iots at will. 

"(io<l will forgive you: 
That is bis trade." 

(irrrrrr. Brrrrrr. MMMMM, boy! 

S 




Slgnor Bonlcllll with the Star course 
Just misses his high C. 



SIREN 

Further Model Letters De Education 

,, ,. ,. JIV IIaU.V I'd.MKItdY 

Soft yjiwiiiii}; cliairs in ;i nisc-sluidcd idinii, 

RocMUsc llic Ijij^lish (lc|i;iilniciil rciincsis lis J>,i,.]'iii<' firo, 

we have ilcidccl to wyhuv IIk' iiromisc.l Id I. -is lor Siipplc bound book, 

(Icariiiiitcs and slainnicrcrs witli a few iiinic or less ('ioju-cUes and cofrco? 

excellent siijiJieslions to aid the iinder-iradiiate in Xo,— a sister witli liiiii- like a sjiiivclcd 
liis heroic emleavors to eliiuinale I lie more eonmion crvsantliemnni 

of social errors: to wit: ]s jiuviiiji a date in (lie pallor. 
M(i<l<l Lrlln- l<, II liiilch'r CuHnre: 

i I'titcc (iiid J)<it(\ Faint rnsllings, soft voices in a soinbre-sliaded 
[liiitclK r's Xanir) seminar, 

I ■' Address ] Kliii trees on snn-marbled lawns, 

[l)i(ir Sir: or. Mnihuiin Vine covered hulks of hideous buildings 

{Insert siilijeel iiiiitler: niiKirks. e.rjiosl tild lidiis, l)is|)laying recent brick through rent garments. 

Ihreiils. iiiniiiises. jirnfiiiiil!/. — iiree'ise deiireioj eneli But. — Chains horde us to naked-ringing cement 
III h( di t( riii'nied hi/ i/oiir e.reiise for irril'u\<i.) walks. 

{('ninidiiiieiilari/ ehise) Culture! 

, , Kiiidlv steps of broad browed men in the stacks. 
{Sll/IKll lire \ ■ ' 

_,, . , ^ . . ^ , 1 1 t -i + Throbbing vagrant organ tones through a iiart 

This letter is to be recoiiiniciidcd tor its extra- .-- i- ^ j^ i 

, , .. II', 1 ii 4 oiieiied window, 

ordmarv broadness of scope. In lad. any letter t<> „ . ,. , , , . . 

, ,, , •, 1, i • But, — A polished youth in American tweeds 

a butcher m.iv be modelled ujion it. But in case ^ , . ' ... 

. ^ 1 ,1 Is studvmg accountaiicv and snirtling. 

YOU iiiav never have occasion to correspond with a • % 

; , ■ , , • , ^ -.1 • Culture! 

butcher, — and vet von wish to write — here is a very ,,.,... , ,, , 

- , , ■ ■ ■ , 1 1 I 1 • 1 Kound faced, tortoise shelled professor, 

good model letter from a girl who works behind a „,,,,, 

,,,,,,",,, 1 e r^ III carefullv careless blue suit, 

ribbon-counter to the rostmastei-tJdieral of Green- ■ ... , 1^,,.„ 

Reads a type written story of LIFE, 

',, ' r .. j: ..■ , 1I-J T.- 7 o 7- 7 AVith ironic futilitv. 

{Model Letter from ii (iiii Mho M orks Behind a ^ _.^^, , ^ ,,.*,„,,. 

,..,, rv . . J, ,. J i /^< 7 '' \A hat do vou think of that story?' 

Kibbon-Couiiti r to Hie rostiiiastcr-Gciieral . \ . •; 

, ., , , I'eering. ixunting with a iiiidgv hiiger, 
ot (Ireeiiliiiid.) -, ^1 

(Jood story? Xot good? 

5 December, l!)2l* Champaign, Illinois "But. — will it sell?"' 

My letter, 5-24-1852 Culture! 

Your letter, 2-2-1!t00 Dampish, silk and tweed mortals 

re: Pierce-Arrows & Totter on stamjiiiig floors. 

Marriage licenses. Talk? Terpsichore? 

tile: Love: |K'rsoiial. Jazz blares away my voice. 

n, , • . 1. , ■ 1 .11 1 Ti- 1 1 -1 S(piare-boiied i)air crash by. 

To Ins resi)eclable liigliiicss. the Lord High Imin'rial ' ' •' 

Talk"' 
rosliiiaster-<!eiieral, ', I'ost Ollice. 

( ulture! 

, , \\ isdoiii, bronzed-glinted goddess 

(Iriild. , 1,1 

. , ,. \ came and found von, 

Heruiann : mav it please voiii- egotism. . • 

,,,,,, , A Minerva in Lollv skirts. 

\oiir Idler to hand. In reply 



will state: ' ' 

1— NO. 1 2-5-22 

2— N( ). M : R. F. B. 
:; — Vou are no gditlcmaii or you wouldn't ask a Cliani]iaign 

lady such a ipieslidii! This letter, as may be easily seen, is in answer 

>1 — Wliat do yon mean ??| j ??[ '| to seven of the rostmasler's questions. Millicent. 

5 — NO. who has tried to disguise herself by inisspelliiig her 

G — NO. name, is evidently desirous of terminating corres- 

7 — NO. poiideiice with our hero. There is but one course 

Yours — open to the Postniaster if he expects us to consider 

Milicent 11 him a gentleman: it is to throw away her address 
( 24 ) 



SIREN 



A Psycho-Physical Phantasy 

By Saloon 
(From AVaslihniirs "The Aiiinial M iiid." Cliaiitov 5. Pai-at;iai(li I'S. i 

"A iiiithir prohJrni of mil life In irhicli smell appiiirx In fiiniixh Ihr kci/ /.v tlial nf the ncni/iiilinii n( 
llixt iiDllts. It linx Iniii/ hriii Ininirii Hull (III mil illlriiiii/ ii Kirmiifr iirst. Ihniii/li nf Ihr smiir spccirs, is 
likiljl In mil I iriUi rnin/Ji Inul mnit . m,<l i nil he pul In dniUi. Xnir I'nrii fniiiiil in ISSII Unit mils nf 
till i/iiiiis M nrmirii irlinsr ii ill ni iiiii iiriiriiiinvcdlOOUhl illtiirk lliiir nirii iiisl iiiiilis. It siiiiis prnh- 
iihir thill I iirli iii x1 nf mils has ii pmiliar nilnr inhich is tin' basis nf llic ilisliin-linii hi lirvi ii fririiils miil 
fnis. Bilhr tislid till- siiirll lliiniij hi/ ifippiiii/ mi aiil first ill irrnl: ali-nlml. Ilnii in inihr. niiil linn in 
tiir jniris nhliliniil hi/ rrilsliini/ tliv hniJirs nf a nnilihir nf nuts nf minllirr sprrirs. lie fniinit Unit ini 
mil tlins Irriilril irniild hr ill liirkid anil killiil hi/ // v nirii iirsi iniitrs, hut innlil hr iiitrniliK-ril . inin Ihr 
iirst irhnsr nilnr it iinir prrsii niilhl 1/ hnrr.. irrii th'Hii/h its ii/ijiriirmirr iriis ijiiitr d; ffrirn t frnni lliiil 
nf tlir mils llirrrin." 



Now. OH tli('S(> fads let lis ]ir()fii-ess, 
(And rhyme instead of prose sounds liest 
Instead of ants down in the dirt. 
Let lis tlie jrenns hommo ins(>i't. 



Tp to tlie Head the hol.o walked 

And llieii without a liit of talk 

'{'he Cjiief said, "("onie rij^lit in. my hid. 

A'ou"i-e native o(h)r's not so had. 



And so, we'll start out with a linni, 
A "Knijiht of Travelers" ealled, hy some, 
Arrivinj" in Champaign one day. 
To Spanldino's went, without delay. 



And T can tell, yon hot I can, 
Tliat you'll make us a darn jjood man 
To teach the Freshmen how to write 
And make them act like they were hri^ht. 



Said, "Gimme some Professorial Salts 
So I can invade some jtrivate vaults" 
The vaults he meant were faculty cliques 
AViiere words are cliea)) and kiiowli'dtjc reeks. 



The hum stepiied in and. strange to say. 
His native odor took the day. 
And now his name you often hear 

And iieo])le who no more at him sneer. 



.V hath he took with salts of men, 
( ironnd up, and never missed again. 
Then to the school of Arts he went 
A solemn literati heut. 



.\nd so we might just write and hash 
'Bo>it burglars, crooks and similar trash. 
Who wash themselves in salts like these 
And enter into what tliey please: 



The English gang, T might exj)lain. 
A\'as, like the auts, with senses lame. 
They rove about in little bands, 
Tliese tii'st vear rhetoi-ic section hands. 



Invading all the walks of life- 
One with book and one with knife. 
And thus we get our social taint 
P.y people acting what they ain't. 



MORAL 

.Vnd though we have no salts today 
We liiid such peo])le in array 
"Who, wilh two faces, .Tanusdike, 
At our poor social system sirike. 



The test of ,1 good book conies when ]ieople say I'eary and his arctic explorati(tn is read with 
Ihcy could li,i\c written it themselves. more appi'eciation after spending sexcn nights a 
S week in a fiaternily dorm. 

Call a girl a "(Jood s])orl" and she is highly com- S 

jilimented as she was two y<'ars ago when yon ciilled The modern coed can only be happy when liev 

her a "perfect lady". husband devolopes an ability she doesn't i)ossess. 

( 2.5 ) 



SIREN 



To the Cuckoo 

\',\ Helen K. Mi-eliiii 
lie IIkhiuIiI I \\:is lookili};' ill liilii .-ill llie while 
A\'lieli I i;l.llieeil Irolii my liodk with ;i I iiii;eri iii; smile, 
l':iliel .M. Hell I wjs i-evelliliii in 
lie lliiiii;^lil I w.-is Miiiini; llie clel't in his chin. 

("nc-k(in cnckno. 

"Heen Irving to call yon lor .-n^cs ahonl, 

Hut the line's always linsy oi- else yon were out,'' 

lie j;nr<ile(l liis words in a pileons lone. 

Ami Ihe joke of it is that we haven't a |ili(nie. 

Cuckooeuekoo. 

His eyes were so ni<-e ami his smile was so gay 
And his hair ci-inkled n|> in the liandsoniesf way. 
They look down his notes \>y the hnshel and peek, 

And lie tlioni^hl the |ioor i^ii-ls were dexoled to re. 

("iH-koo, emkoo. 



And Wild Honeys 



.\ certain coed li-om I'unlne 
ll.id eyes of a \cry dee|i Idne 
And a wonderliil lace 
.Vnil a form lull of jirace 

Oil ('<;<; jilants, sweet s|(nds, j;raled pai-sniits. 
— I'o|) A, ( "owe. 
S 



OOF! 



A pretty young yirlie from ("hi 
Had a lijinre that fa])tnred my eye 
And I saw at a glance 
That she kuew how to dance 
And the lines that she lioasteil. Oh my. 
— Po]) A. ("owe. 

Save your eisarette ashes to jnit on the sidewalk 
this winter. 




.\nllior (entlinsiastically I The nif;hl was black. 
Two tijjnres, their movements dimmed hy the shad- 
ows, stealthily apiiroaelu'd the lion.se . . . smldeidy 
the town clock stinck one and . . . 

lOditor — He moi-e explicit ! Which one did it 
strike? 



( 26 ) 



SIREN 



STUDENTS— 



I I 
I I 

! I Photographs of Distinction 



Try- 



THE MODEL WAY" 
Socks Darned Free 

D 

Model Laundry Co. 

Successors to Souder's Laiindrj' 



1 i 

I I 

! I 

I I 

I I 



I I 

1 I 

1 I 

I I 



I I 

I I 

I I 

1 I 

I I 



I 1 



! I 



for 

Discriminating People 



D D 



A. Sherman Hoyt 



Portrait Photographer 1 

.'(IS N. Neil St. Champa igii | 

I 



Ice Cream - Sherbets 

Ices - Eskimo 

Pies 



♦ 



I SANITARY 

I 

j Champaign Ice Cream Co. 

■ Main 175 2107 



I I 

i I 
i I 
I 1 
I I 



I I 



1 I 
1 I 
I I 
I I 
I I 
I I 
I I 
I I 
I I 
1 I 
I I 

! I 
! I 

i f 




Gifts for Everyone 

Fountain Pens 

Eversharp Pen and Pencil Sets 

Everything in Athletic Goods 

Crane's, Whiting's and Old 
Hampshire Social Stationery 

Leather Notebooks 

We have some beautiful Christ- 
mas (xi-eeting Cards. Let us e7i- 
grave your name on tliem. 




STUDENTCIPPLYCTORE 
ervice ^^^-^'n^ ^^a< is/ac( ion 



( 27 ) 



SIREN 



We all slioulil lemeiiiber, says llu 
lazy one, that the early worm is 
caRUht by the bird. 



He who hesitates is lost . . . ami 
often glad that he waited. 



It is easy onoush to break a dollar 
— even though it is an "iron man." 



Thp man who exilaimed. "Dam 
poetry," may be understood if we 
believe Wordsworth who said poetry 
was the overflow of powerful feeling. 
No Mabel, a bedroom suite isn't a 
pair of Billie Burkes. 



The billiard player like the China- 
man and the artist must know his cue. 



-S- 



There is many aprinee who isn't 
the son of a king, and many a son of 
a king wlio isn't a prince. 



Holeproof Hose 

for 

Gifts 



10v(M-\- fiifl aiiprpciatcs tiood 

Hosiery, wliicli means l)(>lli 

Style a 11.1 Wcai- 

Special iificcs by hux n\' 
:\ ]iairs 

11.(1.") hose, ?, ])!•. for_.S;4..")0 

••{fi..")!) lioso. :*. i)r. f()V--*7.nO 



Mullikin 
Cash Store 

Opposite City Blrls- 



Butler's football success is due 
partly to the marriage of five of her 
stars. Another example of good team- 
work. 



The monkey flits from limb to liml). 
as does the eye. 



Maybe the dnmbelle is one wit] 
out a ring. 



In intend to marry a daughter of 
the profits. 



-S- 



A certain young girl from Urbana 
Once slipped on a skin of banana 
She felt of her head 
Then her pockets, and said 
"Oh my gosh, I have squashed my 
Havana." 



It is my suspicion that Christmas 
spirit will come this year in smaller 
bottles than ever before. 






The Great Christmas Problem 

Thne was when it seemed a great problem to select 
the right gift for the many and varied friends. 

Them Days are Gone Forever 

Since the Co-op came to Illinois with its wonderful 
selection of choice articles at reasonable prices, one 
need no longer worry. 

Just step in and pat yourself on the back at your 
wisdom in coming in early. 

U. of I. Supply Store 



(The Co-op) 



On the Square 



( 28 ) 



GEN— TUL-MUN!" 



We 

Announce 

That 




4^^. 






}^^C^ lAsXd U 



VANITY FAIR 



is the essential magazine for every- 
one who is intelligently interested in 
modern art, literature, drama, and 
celebrities — or 

who ever owned, drove, rode in, or 
swore at an automobile— or 

who has played in or rooted at a 
game of tennis, golf, baseball or 
football — or 

who wants new view-points and 
fresh perspectives on the stimulating 
events of the metropolitan world. 

Authors such as Joseph Herge- 
shcimer, Stephen Leacock. Hugh 



Walpole, Thomas Burke, George 
S. Chappell and Heywood Broun 
are regular contributors. Frequent 
cartoons, by the American and 
European masters of black and 
white, form a regular Baedeker to 
the tendencies of contemporary life. 
Lavish photographs of plays and 
their players adorn its pages. 

Then there's the "Well Dressed 
Man" department for all who under- 
stand the value of correct and sen- 
sible dressing. And don't overlook 
the Shopping Service, which will 
buy you anything for yourself, or 
any gift you want sent to a friend. 



Where's the Nearest News Stand? 



35 cents 



3 a year 



4 two years 



J 



SIREN 



Say 



i 

I 

.1 



I Merry Christmas i 
I with I 

1 Greeting Cards | 

i I 



Tilt' civil engineer isn't always so. 

"Wheal do you think ol' my ilaiuiiiK 
pumps?" 
"My dear, they're immense." 

— SCALPEH 



I n D I 

1 i 

i I 

I I'omitaiii lens j 

j 10vi'rsli;tr|i I'rllcils ] 

I ('r.inc I*';uu'v Stiitionerv 1 

I ' " I 

1 The Real Co-Op I 

I Eiifjiiu'cis" ('u()|)i'i'ativi' I 

I Socicly I 



He: Hey, there's no swimming al- 
lowed here. 

She: "Why didn't you tell me be- 
fore I got undressed? 

He: Well, there's no law against 
that. 

—MEDLEY 



Happy New Year 

Try tlie ^\"llill■ Line l-auinlry 

and 

The L:niu(lry Depot (iii 
(ifccu Street 



D 



Teacher: ■V\niere wasthe Declara- 
tion of Independence signed? 

Willie: (After a silence) At the 
bottom. 

—PANTHER 



K. Lindlev. Mm'. 



I Mdiievaid and Matthews 1 

[____ I 



OH DEAH 

"What made the canoe tip over?" 
"Cholly carelessly placed his pipe 
in the corner of his mouth." 

—Burr 



White Line 
Laundry 

Main 406 

Harry J. Millard 
M. G. Snvder 



Champaign's Leading Florist 

We have the largest supply of fresh flowers 
in the Twin Cities. 

We have the largest green house establish- 
ment in Central Illinois. 

When You Buy of Us You are Assured of the Best 

Thomas Franks & Son 

112 North Neil Street 
Phoues Main 90S - 1075 



Fldwer.s fur Evei-v Occasion 



Flowers l)v Wire Everywhere 



( 3u ) 



SIREN 



The Best Man Wins 









AVe were rivals. 

She was our prize, 

Lithe, graceful, divine. 

81»e said, "May 

The Best Man Win." 

And he wun and 1 

AVas the best man. 

Three years later I saw 

Them. 

She, unjjainly, slovenly. 

With three dirty hrats 

Trailing her. 

And then I thought. 

The best man 

Had won. 

S 



s.o.s. 



Conscientious 

Oh I made a date on the train 
^\"\{\l a girl by the name of .MclJain 
Tho she cost lots of jack 
Full twelve bu.x; at one smack 
She earned every nickel, that jane. 

— Po]) A. ('owe. 



GIFTS 
and 
GREETING CARDS 



Over ir)(l(l styles of Greeting Cards are shown 
by samjde — Cafeteria Style — so that you get 
clean fresh stock. Special cards for every 
one. 

ILLINOIS CAKDS— Christmas ranis fea- 
turing the Illinois Seal and "I" in cijlors 
will give your cards an unusmil character. 
OIFTS, ('UFTS. and then more GIFTS, in 
hand tooled leather, st.itionery, matched 
gold pen-pencil sets, pottery, glass, bronze, 
jewelry, etc. 

n n 



Strauch's 625 So. Wright St. 

THE ART & GIFT SHOP 

'/'III' Jfoiiic of (lood Kddiik FiiiisliiiKi 



Students and Athletes 
Know That— 

The Original 

Kefreshes and invigorates after study or 
sport, or at auy time when a nourishing food- 
drink is indicated, and drink it at the foun- 
tain and in their rooms. Also in ready-to- 
eat lunch tablet form. 

Sustaining 
Healthful 
Delicious 

Avoid Imitations 

I ntrrcsthi;/ litirafurc 
'III slmlciit )/.vr.v sent jircpaid 

HORLICK'S, Racine, Wis. 




„ — + 
— ,4. 



Show us your railroad ticket 
and we will check your trunk 
from your room to your home 
town. 



D D 



( 31 ) 



Chester & O^Byrne 
Transfer Co. 

Yellow^ Cab 



SIREN 



?""""'""' " " " 1 

I ! 

I Christmas I 

I Special j 

i ! 

1 1 

I 2-Pound Box Best ! 






Girlie: "Can you give me a couple 
)( rooms?" 
Hotel Clerk: "Vos, Suite one." 
Girlie: "Sir!" 



"English Band, 
Irish Dance, 



I God Save the King, 
f Ambu-lance." 



3o many people who travel the road 
to happiness in double file wish it 
was a single trail. 



CHOCOLATES 
$1.00 



B 



-s — 



The new sport elothes may be 
women's reason for her new sport 
enthusiasm. 



>s'() need lor ;iii aiiilMihiiici 
al'lcr catiiit! al 



D n 



IDWELL'S ! 
ETT ER 1 
CANDIES ! 



Next to Post Office 



Made Fresh Daily | 



One can readily determine how 
much writing a chap has done by the 
nature of the paper he uses: if he 
uses excellent bond he is a mere be- 
ginner; if he uses manila, or worse, 
he has written a great deal — success- 
fully. 



Gilliland's 
Cafeteria 



'Just like home" 






The Best People Buy Their Drinks at 



Schuler Bros. 

WHITMAN'S CANDIES 

III 1. L'. :'. and T) roiiiiil l*.(i.\('s 

For the Holidays 

Have you seen Our Excellent Assortment 
of Bulk Candies? 



'.) .Mail! Slrcrt 









CLaiiiiiaigii 



( 32 ) 



•VA LAJVGLEYS FIRST 




MODEL IJV r LIGHT >~^ 



""The way of an Eagle in the air" 




ENTURY after century 
men broke their necks 
trying to fly. They had 
not troubled to discover 
what Solomon called "the way of 
an eagle in the air." 

In 1 891 came Samuel Pierpont 
Langley, secretary of the Smith- 
sonian Institution. He wanted 
facts. His first step was to whirl 
fiat surfaces in the air, to measure 
the air pressures required to sus- 
tain these surfaces in motion and 
to study the swirls and currents of 
the air itself. Finally, in 1896, he 
built a small steam-driven model 
which fiew three-quarters of a 
mile. 

With a Congressional appro- 
priation of $50,000 Langley built 
a large man-carrymg machine. Be- 
cause it was improperly launched, 
it dropped into the Potomac River. 
Years later, Glenn Curtiss flew it 
at Hamm'-ndsport, New York. 

Congress regarded Langley's 
attempt not as a scientific experi- 
ment but as a sad fiasco and 



refused to encourage him further. 
He died a disappointed man. 

Langley's scientific study which 
ultimately gave us the airplane 
seemed unimportant in 1896. 
Whole newspaper pages were given 
up to the sixteen-to-one ratio of 
silver to gold. 

"Sixteen-to-one" is dead polit- 
ically. Thousands of airplanes 
cleave the air — airplane? built 
with the knowledge that Langley 
acquired. 

In this work the Laboratories of 
the General Electric Company 
played their part. They aided in 
developing the "supercharger," 
whereby an engine may be sup- 
plied with the air that it needs for 
combustion at altitudes of four 
miles and more. Getting the facts 
first, the Langley method, made 
the achievement possible. 

What is expedient or important 
today may be forgotten tomorrow. 
The spirit of scientific research 
and its achievements endure. 



General ft Elecftric 



Qeneral Office 



Company 



Schcnectady,M.Y. 



gS-6j6D 




s, 



lip into a Bradley 
^and Oiit-of-Doors! 



The Xcxv linok of 
Bradley Styles 

Bradley wuii/'.vSueiiters and Scai fs. Tci(|iirs 

and 'Jams, Gloves and Hose — ircit and 

,i„^.i:i^. k„;t_ to ni-'Pl the mlleye man's and 

leas of giind riihie and smart s/iile. 

<ip IIS a pnslranland we'll l,e olail l,i 

• II a i-iiini I,/ llie neir S/i/le ISmik: — 




VDLEY Knitting Co., 

Delavan, Wisconsin 



^ w ^ 



Leisure hours and home holidays are best enjoyed in feradleys. 1 his hand- 
somely styled Knitwear is first choice with college men and women — and it is 
so sturdily knit, of such fadeless colors, that it defies even the hard treatment 
which "kid" brothers, and small, tomboy sisters give their clothes ! 

You will be especially interested in the great Shaker Sweater Coats 
local Bradley merchant is showing — at attractive prices— for coll 




JlSr 



.-'•^L'M!' IIP' 

JL.jrJH.Ji[::d 



iiiir fti^_ 



tWKJ;*:aJ 



if ^^^Wki^ >«&» ■■■■ % liniHill iriib ~^ii 




TOUGH LUCK. WE LL HAV/E TO WAIT THR.EE HOUE.i 



O. ISMT THAT A iHAMC 



n* w. HNii iiiaf ■..! iP^k w^ % 



■iBi lifiiir iHHIl' irflV^li '^mSy fife gBS 






■■» ^■■^' ^i*' 



.'a ooil ,7 \t 







Seniors: Seeking jobs? 

Then read this — 



Wlictlicr villi j;r;i(liiatc in iM'liiiiaiy i>i- next .liiiii'. yim iiiij;lil 
like til Ki'l '" I'liK'li witli llir bilsiiicss woriil (In-ouuli lis. 

Oiii- cuiistniit ini TcsiiDiKlriiic willi siiiiLc 400 iiianul'actuivrs 
gives US lii-st-haiiil kiiu\vli'il<.;c of their late of exiiaiisioii. Furtlici- 
more, we are intimately ae(|iiaiiili'il with :iliiiiit l.'.">0 or '2~'t execu- 
tives of lart;e coiiceriis. 'i'liiis, we are often able to jmlye wliere 
tjie best o]ieiiiiij;s are to lie foiinil. 

Ill the past we liav( sui^jicsfeil to si niors many <> 1 ii|ieii- 

iiiiis ill siieli lieliis as stationery, iilfice supplies, athlefie «;(ioils, 
anil oilier lines. 

So (his is your invitation to ilrop in, tell ns the job yon 
want, anil let ns help yon if we eaii. Please niiilerslanil : there's 
notliini; sellisli in lliis. Ifs just one of onr ways of helpin.n our 
friends. 

A.sk for -('IiikI" or Slnlhij. 



STUDENTCUPPLYCTORE 
'ervice f J avim^ f Jai isfaci ion 



"CHUCK" BAILEY 



606 E. Green Street SHELBY HIMES 






SIREN 



Owned and Operated by The Students 



Buy Your Second Semester 
Books and Supplies at 

"The Real Co-op" 



During the second semester you will find us vastly in- 
creasing our circle of enthusiastic friends and still more 
fii'mly establishing ourselves as a right place to buy 
textbooks and supplies. 

We ask for your patronage because after the first pur- 
chase we know you'll see the saving and thereby be ad- 
ded to our list of student backers. 

"The Real Co-Op" was organized in 1921 by the engi- 
neers because of the high prices charged by other stores 
and "the real Co-Op" having met with immediate suc- 
cess, today is offering textbooks and supplies to all col- 
leges except law. 

It is now an established store — tried and proven to save 
students money. 

We Sell to Everybody— Text Books for All Colleges 

(Except Law) 

The REAL CO-OP 

IJiii/i nil r's Cii tijii rill in Sm-i'/i/ 
.1. K. IJX1>1J<:V, Khnlriil Mi/r. .Mnllicws .Vc l!(iii<-.v:inl 



(1) 



SIREN 
t— 



ARCADE 

Barber 
Shop 

Ciisliini; IJros.. I'ro|is. 



Ill OnkT 
1. Hoy 

■2. .lay 
::. .lack 
1. Ciisli 



Real Service 



'2'2: "1 lii'ar you aiul Guraldine had 
a tall out. Wlial was tho trouble?" 

'2?,: "Oh. it was all her kid brother's 
fault. One night he set the alarm 
clock under the sot'a, and when it 
went otT, from force of habit. 1 shout- 
ed "Wake up .vou egg, it's time to 
move!" 

— B''roth 



Page Solomon 

Citizi'ii (thunderously): "What arc 

you doing over there?" 

Neighbor: "Beating up my wife." 
Citizen (excitedly): "May I come 

over and see how it's done?" 

— Orange Peel 






Loose Leaf Books 



We liavc ill stock rejjiilai- 
ly all sizes loose leaf books, 
with llc.\ilili' liiii<liii,i;s at re- 
iiiarkal)l\ l<iw inices. Out- 
rapid tiifiiover enables lis lo 
make these jirices anil keep 
new stock cdiislantly at your 
coinniaiMl. Ouv stationei-y 
(leptirtnient is complete with 
new styles at all times. 



And You? 

"What have yoii been doing all sum- 
mer?" 

"I had a position in my father's of- 
fice. And you?" 

"I wasn't working either." 

— Exchange 



Knowlton 

and 

Bennett 



lie Lcud i)i Every Line ^Vc 
Carry 



Twenty-First Annual 

POST - EXAM 
JUBILEE 



Auditorium 
8:15 P.M. 



Moiidav, h'eliiuaiy .■'>tli 



Tuesday, Felu-uafv (1th 









SIREN 






Home Made Cake 



Order i( tVoiii us ami .you'll 
not he clisa|)i)ointe(l. 

^^'(' make all kinds lidiu the 
]iiii-est of /■-'//.'/.v. Butter and 
other luateiials. And our 
bakers are experts on icings 
and decoration as well as 
cake inakin<«. We can make 
ani/tliiiKj you want. 

riione us y(nir ordei- and 
we'll all he pleased. 



Berryman's Bakery 

213 South Neil. 



We make it RIGHT and deliver 
it ON TIME 






Good Looking 
Well-Built, 
Tuxedos and y|||l|| 
Dress Suits 



READY TO OBLIGE 

Husljand (angrily): "What, no sup- 
per ready? This is the limit. I'm go- 
ing to a restaurant." 

Wife: "Wait just five minutes." 
Husband: "Will it be ready then?' 
Wife: "No, but then I'll go with 
you." 

— Houston Post 



"Johnny, I'm afraid I will not see 
you In heaven," said the father to 
his errant son. 

"Why, what have you been doing 
now. Pop?" 

—Tar Baby 



"Daughter, did I not see you sitting 

"Yes, l)Ut it was very embarrassing, 
on that young man's lap when 1 passed 
till' door last evening?" 
I wish you had not told me to." 

"Good heavens! 1 never told you 
to do anything of the kind!" 

"You did. You told me that it he at- 
tempted to get sentimental 1 must 
sit on him." 

— Pathfinder 



At Your 
Service 

A phone call lo our shop will 
insure honest, intelligent 
and reasoiiahle service on 
your ])lumhing retpiirements. 

l\e|iairs, pliiiid)ino; installa- 
tions, sanitary investifjations 
— whatever yotir need we 
have the men. e(|uipment 
and si-rvice that will mean 
both a sMvinj; ami satisftic- 
t ion for you. 

Vour ncijjhbor may be one 
(if our customers — ask him 
about us. 

Apperson Bros. 

Plumbing and Heating 

Phone 7-3760 __ 120 S. Race St. 

URBANA 




Celvim 

C/ CLOTHES SHOP 



M) E. Green 



I I 

1 I 

I I 

I 1 

1 I 

1 1 

! I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

1 1 

I I 

I I 

! I 



! i 
1 I 
! I 
I I 
I I 
! I 
1 i 
i I 



. + +. 

(3) 




STORY 

WITH 

piCTUREJf 

E Xc\v i n ds 

Colorplat'es 

Phol"© - E n di* aVi n d 

Illusf'ratiVc 
'Pu ryj OSes 

G.R.GRUBBi.CO. 







The Ha 



ppy 



Ending 



'Ihc play's over — the whole shooting 
match. Everyone is either dead or mar- 
ried. Now you can go home, to the 
really happy ending of the day — to read 
your copy of 

VANITY FAIR 

In Each Issue: — 



P.VGES of photographs of the most care- 
fully dressed actresses and the most 
carelessly dressed dancers. 

REVIEW'S of the latest plays, to solve 
the problem of what to see when in 
town. 

SATIRICAL sketches by Fish rfnd other 
artists, to keep you in touch with the 
follies of the world. 

HUMOR with a line you'll find irresisti- 
ble to female prom-addicts and honie- 
tciwii debutantes. 



SPORTS articles by men who have played 
on teams themselves, and motor pages 
by an expert. 

AN Auction Ilridge corner which will 
L make jour game a social and business 
asset. 



i 



A 



RT, life and letters served up in short 
courses which will not jade- the most 
licate appetite. 



AND the only sensible, correct, well- 
, bred department of men's clothes pub- 
lished in this countrv. 



Where's the Nearest News Stand? 



SIREN 



Verses From a Schollard's Breviary 

?— "Why ilid tlicy kick tli.il .Mccli(;il stmlciit (iiit Let's 1;ilk over s()nu'tliiiij;(lci'|)? 

of the library ?"■ Sure, jiiniii in ihe lioal. 

I — "Tliey caiijilit him Iryiiit; to rei;i((\e the a|i- Octoiiiis 

|)eii(lix f'l-oiii tlie hook he was readiiij;'." S 

— Mrf/hiiii h'xl. Teleplioiie oiierators should work eight iioiirs and 

>^ sleep eii^lit, Init not the same eii;lit lionrs. 

"Did yon know that Freddie talks in his sleep?" — Life 

"No." S 

"Well, it's trno; he recited in class this morninji." Parent: Was that my dangliter I saw you kiss- 

— riioiiilr. ing last night? 

S Diogenes, Jr. : No, sir, your wife. 

Nurse — "Well it's a girl." — Record 

Father— "And I jnst sold the ixirch chair this • S 

morning." — Mu<jinnii[>s. Crowded Trolley Car: Young latly is vainly 

S groping for her [mrse to i)ay her Tare. 

"Up to the eighth stein I am a l\e]ml)licaii. liut Y((nng ^lan : "Pardon me. miss, hut may I not 

after that. I can't keei) from saying what I thiidv." jiay your fare?" 

— Munich siiiiiiUcissiiiiiis. Young Lady: "Sir II" 

^ (Several seconds of groping) 

"What's that hump on the front of your car'?'" Young Man : "I heg your pardon again, young 

"Oh, the radiator just had a hoil."— ira////Hrv. ''"ly- '"'t w"""t .^"ii let me pay your fare?" 

g Young Lady: "AVhy, I don't even know you, ami 

Tenor-'-She has such licpiid tones." nuyy^uy. I'll have this purse opened in a n.inute." 

Alto— "Y^es, her voice needs irrigating."— /'/-of//. (Continued groping) 

S Young Man: "I really must insist on paying your 

"Do you like sports?" tare. You've unbuttoned by suspenders three times!" 

"Yes, but father won't let them stay long." — Xoo Doo 

—J a,],'. S 



-^ NATURAL MISTAKE 



"How dill von manage to get home so eai'lv last 



Algy — "AA'hat do \ on mean bv telling -loan that 



"'J^'i*^''"" I'm a fool?" 

"Oh, I had tough luck. 1 leaned against her Percy-"IIeavens. I'm sorrv ! 1 didn't know it 

door bell."— /-"h/vt/. was a secret " 

S S 

Mother — "Poor Jimniv is so unfortunate." 

Caller-"How's that?" WORTHLESS 

Mother— "During the track meet he broke one of Cake-Kater do drnggi.st I— "Wiil you give me 

the best records they had in college.— Tr/r Bahi/. something for my head'?" 

j^ Druggist — "1 wouldn't take it as a gill." 

She — "Did you meet any stage robbers while yon ^ 

were out West?" ^^'hi(•h professor was it that jnst before hi' went 

He — "Y"es; I took a couple of chorus girls out to t" class the other morning, threw his wife out the 

dinner." • liack door .uid kissed the garbage. — Fldmhif/o. 

S S 

First Inebriate — "Mary"sh lioush reminsh me of The Switch -Hoard Oirl— "Honestly, some of Ihe 

a numbrella.'" things that g<i over the wire aren't lit foi' me to hear." 

Second Fortunate One — "\Vliy"sh "at "?"" The Lineman — "Aw, shncks. you can't e.\|)erl to 

F. I. — "Caush when s"o]ien s'wel." woik aionnd elect licity and iiol get shocked." 

— /'iip/Ki. — Froth. 
(5) 



SIREN 



Philosophy 




"THERE IS NO TRUTH!" 
"THAT'S THE TRUTH." 



(6) 



SIREN 



We Break Into Print 

Being the Editor's Impression of "Town and Gown" 

'■Town and Gown. Lois and Lynn Montross. Doran 



Homer wrote his Illiad for Greeco, 
Virgil wrote his Aeneid tor Rome, 
and Lois (19) and Monty have have 
written Town and Gown for you and 
me, for all college students, for Illi- 
nois. For in reading Town and Gown 
we must have somewhat the same feel- 
ing that the Greeks experiencsd in 
reading again the Iliad. In this book, 
soon to be on sale iiere, we have a 
prose epic (Pardon . . there is much 
poetry in the book) starting with the 
day we talked college over with the 
folks at home and ending with the 
sheepskin. All the things are there, 
registration, courses, professors, girl 
friends, boy friends, dances . . . all, 
all . . the (whole canvas ■. . . not a 
detail is missing. When you laugh at 
the people in Town and Gown you 
realize you are laughing at the things 
that happened to you . . . only your 
laiigh is one of wisdom, of under- 
standing, of sympathy. And when the 
truth of the happenings in the book 
strikes you ... -it will strike you, not 
as a mere- bit of realistic writing, but 
as fundamental, as essential. Lois 
and Monty have searched beneath the 
exterior of college life and found its 
meanings. You thought vaguely, per- 
haps, that they were there but the 
difficulty attendant upon analyzing 
them was too much for yon . . . too 
elusive. 

Town and Gown is a series of thir- 
teen episodes, each dealing with a 
distinct character or group of charac- 
ters at the State University, but bound 
together by the same background 
the same dramatis personae, men- 
tioned in the other stories as well as 
in the particular story in which they 
stand out as the leading figure. The 
characterization of the stories is done 
with surpassing skill . . . you will 
recognize the characters . . . not be- 
cause thoy resemble a particular ac- 
quaintance but because the authors of 
the stories have taken the life of the 
undergraduate, analyzed it carefully, 
and then have drawn a group of per- 
sons, each a synthetic composition of 
the myriad hopes, fears, successes, 
failures and every other feeling we 
ourselves have experienced. 



Satire, wit, h;imor and often, very 
often . . . pathos are facile tools in 
the hands of the authors. A delicious 
tang attends each episode. A ro-print- 
ed paragraph from tlie university cat- 
alogue, rules for guidance of under- 
graduate students, announcement of 
courses or even from the history of 
the university appears at each chap- 
ter hoadin.g: For instance: 

Scvcnili I-]]iisO(le: 
TJfl-J FIRST MAX 
From the Catalogue of the University: 
"The semester records of an under- 
graduate are sent by the registrar to 
the student's father of guardian." 

And in the episode of "The First 
Man" we have Ross Boyle and Bee 
Melton s:tting on a gravestone in the 
graveyard at 3 A. M. cooing like a 
couple of doves ... it is a wise Uni- 
versity that knows, etc., etc 

and I know seven people who would 
be willing to swear to the truth of 
"The First Man." 

The book opens with the story of 
Peter Warshaw, takes him from his 
home town to school, through the 
vicissitudes of three years of finding 
out "what he wants to do," and starts 
him on his last year. The daring, the 
intimacy, the skillfully drawn charac- 
ters, the accuracy of the environment 
of college life from the mussy room- 
ing-house bedroom to the sleekness of 
a fraternity house parlor strike one 
as inimitably done. Peter himself is 
a compound of conflict, unappeasable 
desires, in.^atiable appetites for things 
which he does not understand; a mas- 
ter piece of characterization. And 
good old Jimmy Tradinick! (We just 
found out who Jimmy is, too.) Here's 
Jimmy, when he has met Peter at the 
Y. M. C. A. and at last settled in a 
room which they chose to occupy to- 
gether: 

"I can tell y'a lot of things 
about this university." he was say- 
ing, "that you'd only learn by 
devilish moil and toll, my boy." 
He called everyone "my boy" — it 
was rumored that he had even 
said it to the dean of men — and 
he was fond, too, of referring sad- 
ly to all forms of labor as "moil 
an' toil." 



"You don't want to take it all 
so damned seriously. Youth is 
always fed a lot of burckum and 
stinkum about 'making the most 
of golden opportunities." The mor- 
alists get all that up to keep other 
people from enjoying themselves. 
Take these deans and doctors and 
what-nots — they'll throw y' the 
gaff. Sure. They're paid for it. 
But you notice it's the dumb-bell 
flappers they award the golden 
'A's.' Takes the old boys to fall 
for the cuties." He lit another 
cigarette. 

"They're made of the same stuff, 
even as you and I, my boy. Give 
'em a cuspidor and a package of 
fine cut and they'll react like your 
father and mine, as 'twere .... 
Take these prominent birds who 
put the stew in student activities 
— Andy Protheroe and Pewter 
Huges — asses and Jelly beans! 
Ah — a jug of wine, a book of verse 
and thou — our old Friend Omar 
had it right, eh?" 

That is Jimmy, "as he lay on the 
bed in one-half of his pajamas, his 
brown legs stretched out at length. 
He had a habit of going about iu 
startling unattire and of resting to 
;moke and talk in the middle of his 
searches for misplaced clothes." 

Peter Warshaw is a serious story, 
on the whole . . . and in it is struck 
a tone of serious intent for the whole 
series, however facetious and reveal- 
'ng they may seem. The authors 
have grasped college life and made 
of it a living, tangible thing. 

"Yellow" is Pewter Hughes' story. 
Pewter played football and hated it. 
Vet he had to play. 

The statistics could be had in 
any cigar store in eleven states of 
the Cornbelt: 

"Pewter Hughes? Trim 'em 
alone. Betcha, Weighs two hun- 
dred and ten and can step a hun- 
dred in ten one. at that. When he 
smashes into 'em — Gawd! — oh. 
man! Sure, he's been picked on 
two all American elevens. He's a 

heller an' no mistake." 

But Pewter . . . this from Pewter: 



(7) 



SIREN 



How he used to think football 
was a game where you had lots 
of fun. Game — hell! . . . Yeh, 
kicked him around like he was a 
dirty dog. Like to killed him 
sometimes .... Pewter Hughes 
"The game — " The coach's last 
words stung him again and 
again — "The game" — 

That was it: the game. He 
wanted to kill everybody in the 
game — the coach, the crowd, his 
team, the other team. He wanted 
to kill the game itself. 
And then PewttM- goes in the game. 
Probably rips great holes in the ene- 
my's line and is again honored. But 
Powter c-annot help thinking of bloody 
bullfights . . . 

* * * 

The stories spoken of are but a 
small part, perhaps not nearly the 
best part of Town and Gown. I have 
no corner on opinions. All of them 
are picturesque, well turned, and the 
description resolves itself into pure 
poetry, metallic tracery of exquisite 
design. The dominant effect of Town 
and Gown is to raise one from out 
himself, out of mere appreciation of 
the art in the story-telling, its ver- 
acity, into the realm of ideas from 
which this brilliantly colored tapestry 
into which are woven all of our own 
lives, was engendered. The book 
gives us a new perspective . . . gets 
us away from the campus long 
enough to give us a picture of how 
our lite appears in the objective. That 
is an accomplishment for any book. 
Yet more, its appeal is universal be- 
cause the characteristics are those of 
Youth, not simply of youths. "This 
Side of Paradise" was well done, yet 
the perspective in which it was writ- 
ten was not, on the whole, our per- 
spective nor that of most college stu- 
dents. It was a story of an egoist. 
Townand Gown is a story of thou- 
sands. 

Town and Gown, it is said, was con- 
sidered by another publisher who hes- 
itated in publishing it because he 
thought parents would not send their 
children to school if they read it. I 
agree with H. L. Mencken who. when 
apprised of the opinion of the pul)- 
lisher, said: "Give me his address and 
I will be very much pleased to send 
him a large custard pie!" 

Mr. and Mrs. Montross have issued 
a challenge to F. Scott Fitzgerald and 
to Benet; and George H. Doran Com- 
pany may well go out and buy itself 
a box of large, fragrant, twenty-five 
cent cigars. L.F.T. 



Ballade of Syr Haffe A Tonne 

By Tukulti Ninib 



u 




ClsS&ii, 



ryk yo cbarging prtssf 

2rbr varlft lean 05- 
5f5tritt39(r braur 

TDboibottSQfff^t- 
al bottrtr, 

Dolb 0flf tt v^t ' 
vttscatbrH bf^iik 

IDbtttiiif kWix 
mr Eur bcc flcorcD. 




Yponne hys tlirone of gleaming golde 
Yn kingly state and valor bolde 
Hee heard the jester's story tolde 

Butte said no worde att alle. 
Hys halle is bright wyth gaiety 
Hys harpers harp rygth merrilie 
Butte say, what horrid wizardrie 

Doth hold oure kinge inn thralle? 

Meseems hys face is sadd and graie 
(Noo Heaven sende hym grace thys 

daie) 
Hys een looke wyld and far awaie, 

Some wikked spell say 1. 
Ynd would, that through our Goddo's 

might 
Thys foule spell bee brokenn quite 
(Alys, how styll the kinge. ynd white) 

Ells schall hee surelie die. 

Noo alle the councilmenne han sate 
For three longe daies yn wise debate 
Toe save oure Kinge froe hys fate 

Ynd brak thys deadlie charm 
But tlio thyr beards bee longe and wise 
Ynd they han made much grave 

surmise 
Yette thys foule spell unbrokenn lies 

To work oure Kinge harm. 



Three longe daies they satt ynd more 
Ynd thanne they opened wyde the 

doore 
Y'nd filed out the cotirt before 

Y'nd loud thyr clerk has read 
"Wee must outwitte thys wikked mann 
Lett whosoever hath a plan 
Noo tell yt us as beste hee cann 

Lette noo the plan bee said." 

Ynd thanne uprose a feeble guy 
Ynd said yn scrawnie voice ynd high 
"Lioo. I am niuche too weak toe try, 

Butte styll I have a plann, 
Noo lett oure strongest, bravest three 
Of knights bolde go forth ynd see 
Yf they cann ende thys villainie 

Ynd slay thys wikked mann." 

Thanne loud and bolde the trumpet 

rang 
Ynd armor mayd ye horrid clang 
As toe thyr feet the bravest sprang 

Yn alle thatt companie. 
The bolde Syr Beef whom draggons 

shunne 
Syr Oaryve of mightie battle wonne 
Yn great ynd thikk Syr Haffe A 
Tonne 
r sooth a mightie three. 



(S) 



SIREN 



Vnd ihaiine thys wizard louge yiul 

greene 
Alle sudd^lie and straunge was 

seene 
Wyth wikked smile ynd slie yiid 

meane 
Bitorn thatt knightly boarde. 
"Noo lett thys merrle combat bee 
Ynd I schall slay you cheertulie 
Butte erst of all these varlets three 
Yn combat with ye swoarde." 

Syr Beef thanne mayd a roar yn rage 
Ynd doun y-flung hys knightly guage 
Y'nd seized hys trustie axe toe wage 

Grim battle wyth hys foe 
(Alays, how sore and sadd hys fate) 
Thys wizard swelled uppe twice as 

great 
Ynd swunge a wallop onne hys pate 

Ynd knockked hym for a rowe. 
Thanne forth Syr Carve the Craftie 
stands 

(Hee draggons slew yn forne lands) 
Ynd spitte uponne hys mightie hands 

For to beginne the strife. 
Alays no draggon flights hym noo 
Four tymes as large thys wizard grew 
Ynd clouted Carve a wallop too 

So he dydd leave thys life. 

Thanne came the beste of all the pick 
No nimble Knight hee was nor quick 
Butte roundlie made ynd wonderous 
thikk 
Thys bolde Syr Haffe A Tonne 
"Noo hold, Syr Wizard." quoth thys 

knight, 
I owne ye seem no merrie wight 
Butte lett us stoppe and ere wee fight 
Go tappe a goodlie tun." 

/ 
The wizard's laugh was lounrt ynd 

hard 
"Oho," hee sayd, "thys tub of larde 
Doth know full well hys dethe ys 
starred 
Ynd presentlie wyll bee." 



Ynd thanne ihys wizard thinner grew 
Ynd longe ynd greene ynd partlie 

blue 
Wyth divers spots of wizard hue 
(A fearsomm sight was hee) 



Syr Haffe A Tonne bold ynd wyse 
Yponne the ale dydd fix hys eyes — 
Ynd wyth eache cuppe the wyzard 
dries 

Hee grew moe thin and longe 
Oure knight dydd see ytt nott, I ween. 
How longe thys wizard grew ynd lean 
Longe ynd lean as a stringe bean 

Ynd sang thys craftie songe, 

I 

Ye Wyzard's Songe 

"Whanne knightes ryde yn clangynge 

press 

Ynd swinge ye mightie swoarde 

Thys wyzard lean as ye stringe bean 

Who shunns thyr loutish board 
Doth often ryde, unscatched besyde, 
Whanne fatter menn are floored." 



Oure fayr knight raysed hys cuppe 

onne high 
Ynd turned itt's bottom toe the skie 
Ynd sette itt doune wyth gentle sigh 

To see a wyzard longe! 
(A fearsomm sight yt was Godde wot) 
Syr Haffe A Tonne dydd mind itt not 
Hee took another mightie shot 

Of goodlie ale ynd strong. 



Thys wizard grew moe longe ynd lean 
Ynd niannle flaggons drank, I ween, 
Ynd shooke hys hedde and closed hys 
een 

Ynd spak ryght scornfulie 
"A pox upponne thys losel halle 
Vnd onne these varletts one and alle 
Ynd most uppone thys tallow balle, 

Noo lett hym fight wyth mee." 



Roared Haffe A Tonne "I grant thy 

boon.'^ 
Ynd hee dydd raise hys greet flaggon 
Ynd wound itt uppe ynd brought itt 

doun 
Yponne thys wyzard's hedde 
Ynd thanne hee seized thatt wikked 

wight 
Ynd crammed itt down bothe fast and 

tight 
Ynd kicked hym sore wyth alle hys 

might 
Butte whtre itt is notte sayd. 



"By Goddes' might," thys Wyzard 

squealed 
"I owne mie naughtie doom ys sealed, 
Noo spare thy toe ynd I doe yield 

Thou art the better mann." 
Syr Haffe A Tonne hys shoon dydd 

stay, 
"Noo dost thou take thys charm awaie 
Ynd ende thy wikkednese thys dale 

Ynd loose thys horrid bann?" 



"!' Godde's truth," the wyzard sayd 
"Butte spare thy kicks ere I bee dead 
Ynd I doe sweare hie Jesu's hedde 

Toe doo butte good ynd welle. 
I doe repent mie villainie 
By Hym who died uponne the tree, 
Ynd shoulde I moe a wyzard bee 

Mie soule may weep ynne Helle!" 



Noo whanne thys merrie dale was 

donne 
The Kynge dyd ask Syr Haffe A Tonne 
"Noo name thine owne reward, goode 
Sonne, 

For knightlie valor meet?" 
"Alays Syr Kinge, mie wants are few, 
Butte lett us sette the table noo 
Ynd bringe ye goodlie oyster stew 

Ynd nut-browne ale ynd sweet." 




(9) 



SIREN 




Dearest . . .Yes? Will it lie wanner this at'teriKion V 
Well, will il rain? I don't know. AVliy? Hecause if this 
kiss yun 1 



L.F.T-i 
1 don't think so. 
ink gets wet I'll 



SIREN 



A Date 

.-I h'ljih/ I') Millicritt 'I'liriKl- 

By .Jay Biiee 

Oh no I it Wiis not jealonsy 
That led me to declare 
That Rudolph Valentino's style 
Is one that needs the air. 

Yon know a lot ol' movie stars — 
How talented you are. 
(Oh! what a nut you'\(' pro\('d to lici 
Xo. 1 don't own a ear. 

You've dated all the eam])us kings — 
(Of course that was no slam'.') 
And so your profs admire yon too ; 
(Well I don't give a damn). 

No I riemenceau is not a Heke; 
You never read Shakespeare — 
But just adore Hearst's magazine — 
(Good Lord! who sent you here. I 

You don't know wliat attracts men so 
And wish to find out'.' — well. 
I'm sure it is yonr ]Hetty clot lies. 
(At least, that's wliy 1 fell.) 

I know it's just !):;'>() Imt 

I have to dig and tight 

To pass that psych exam, and so — '/ 

(I'll not kiss you) <iood Night. 

S 



Forsaken 

In the English StMiiinar, 
Once my heart bled : 
Busts of my beloved 
Idols like Shakespeare 
Above uie were dirty, black 
Begrimed. 

But betake yourself to 
The Sem. 
Around sit men 
Studying economics, 
Drawing maps, solving 
(Jeonietry problems; women 
Powdering j)robosci. 
Writing letters. 
Is it any wonder that I lie 
Janitor lets the grime 
Settle on the busts of 
The Divine spirits of 
Yesterday '! 

— S.O.S. 



Veritas ! 

For years I strove to win girl's iieai'ts 
And nnike them care for me. 
But never quite acquired the arls 
^^'hicll augured for my plea. 
But now I have evolved a scheme 
That wins each lovely miss. 
I'm aide now to make it seem 
I like her, — not the kiss. 



Top A. ('owe. 



— S- 



Lament To Popular Girl 

Evei'y (kiy new troubles show me 

Lady Fortune doesn't know me 

I'm lucky when for womankind 1 fall. 

Every girl for whom I tumble 

Makes the other fellows stinnble 

And I have to watch you playing with them all. 

Other fellows (I won't name them I 

Think you're darling (I don't Idanie them) 

But to love a girl like yon means bines and worry. 

I am jealous and you know it 

And though I am too dense to show it 

I adore j'ou, I can't help it, and I'm sorry. 

—BIO BEN. 
S 



So This is College 



^\'hen Salley Brown 

Came back to town 

For Christmas and vacation. 

We neighbor guys 

Were thick as flies 

To meet her at the station. 

But when that Jane 

Clind)ed off the train 

AVe stared in consternation. 

And Deacon .tones 

In mournful tones 

Groaned "That is i:dncation." 



-S- 



-BIG BEN. 



Some girls talk incessantly, others think: most 
girls do neithcT-. 

Some girls are recepliNc; m<fsl are deceptive; 
and some \ery I'ew exceptive. 

It is as hard to set the average woman laughing 
as it is to think (Uieself a wit. The consummation of 
either is liased on llie liei|uency of perfectly mean- 
ingless laughter. 



(11) 



SIREN 



CO-EDS 
DOMT OVEPLOOk' THE LADIES PAG-E 




4^ixzie Klutxs Famous 
"Recipes 

Sardine. T?c/ijA — 

Tal<e oneyoona sardine, 
t>laf> it in the -foce v^iTh a 
ri^rckle, -fo//rfc // /or 
n rrrinates, oMon arr?7 - 
'ul o-f kin£///W^ vv'ooi:/, ra// 
^enifyin ^ly-pooer one/ 
^oai- in chloroform, — 
Si^eeten with garlic (rn(/ 
i/e ^viPi a it)/ eye /e oump. 



^ 



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-^.Je 



(12) 



SIREN 



Discovery 

By HaI.I.Y I'O.MEKOY 

1 li,i\c :i (((imiioii soul, a dingy mind, 
] ani a liouiiicois person, void of tlioujjiit. 
I'uor riic, w liuiii I had fancied "qneer," I lie kind 
\\'ii(i dicsscd cxoiicly and <;lil)ly wronjfjil 
Sti-an<>t' ciiigranis friini platitudes, now know 
Tliat I liave cjotlied a rasiSe'l <1<>11 '" S"'"! 
And silver tinsel. 

Mock. ])0(ii- su\i]. at my woi'l 
A lilne sun danced and shadows still' and holil 
J-ay rni;i;eil on tjie snow. 1 sanji its tale 
or l)eanty tierce and stroni;'. Wiien black jiaths i;ored 
1'he white, and Styi;ian waters hle(l it pale. 
1 sighed and tliont;lil of death, a friend saiil, "Lord! 
'•| sure like winlei-, too."" 

.My ]iooi- dial) soul 1 
i like i;ray se.i liiids lij;litin<i- gray sea wind, 
I'ale elond diaped moons, red autumn leaves, the i-oll 
Of sea waxes ponnding salt-chari-ed rocks, lights 

dimmed 
At hearth sides, lean trees penciled on an orange sky. 
1 like strong men. and speeding cars and strife. 
"Ill huh,"" yon say; yon like them too? 

Last cry 
The fool; she has a common sonl, a life 

ditigy common])laces void of thought. 
Drab, ragged doll, in tinsel cheajily bought. 

The Brotherhood 

ily mind to me a kingdom was 

IJefore this i-evolnt ion 
( )f (|ui7.zes and e.\ams destroyeil 

My powers of execution. 

1 used to be ,-ilert and (|uick 
A\'ith answers automatic 

lint now I murmur "I don't kimw"' 
1 "iiess Lni Democratic. 



r.Ki F.IOX. 



-Si- 



Revue of the Impatient Snake 

The wedding gnest he beat his breast 

The bells began to loll 
r>nt still the stud refused to go 

Into till' buttonhole. 

— I'.Ki J'.KX. 



See The Point 

Sometimes we"re glad that we can live, 

I am. 

And other times we never give 

A damn. 

M'f gnash our teeth and sometimes grin 

It's true. 

For after all its in the point 

Of view. 

— Bi(! Bi:x. 

s 

Bed-Time Stories 

I'ruuella, tlu' cork-legged ostriche of Iberia, is 
one of the rarer birds who has sneered ett'ectively at 
the encroachnients of civiliy.alion. Nightly, upon 
the arid sands of its n,iti\c plateau, it dons its san- 
dal-wood ballet slippers and Hails the locusts for its 
ras])berry dumplings. Hegular exercise and fatten- 
ing provender give it a rtesli of Vermont nnirbled 
veaL Pressed I'runella-bird in obelisk samlwiches, 
is said to be unsurpassed for tea. 

A ]ierilous life is that lived by the Dipslicker, 
but we who eat Herring must be grateful. The Dip- 
slicker gathers barnacles from the gill spillways of 
the red herring. Without his timely and devoted 
service, the herring wotild have to dry-dock for the 
greater part of the fishing season. This would not 
only throw us back on ("aj) cod tish, but would also 
deprive college youths of herringbone suitings. 

It's Always Done! 

She said — (She was a motherly old soul 
Aud weary with much travel on the train i 

"It must be fine to get to school again 
After vacation, rested up and while, 

"With all your stmlies done, to this new year."" 

Aud I— I looked far jiast the barren tields 

Of stripjied and ganierned cornlands and slrelch- 
ing wide — 
"VA'hat matter was it that 1 turned and lied 

Old lies of college days, and learned yields. 
And carefree lives, ami well-bived studies here? 

— Tukulti-Xineb. 
S 

"Woman is like a dictionary. There man liuds 
tlie definiti(m of his love and there are always a 
multitude of synonyms of wliirh he ciu take his jiick 
to please her. 



( i:'. ) 



SIREN 




Are You a King? 



To Thally 



Oh Thally: Oh Thally: 

Your iiaiae thoudth Iho thweet; 

Your inia<j(' jntlil lianiitli me, 

T can't even cat. 

I IlKiiihl lliay Ihonilliin.ii I iicriiiutli 

Ilh hoiiinl to occiu- 

If I don't thtop thinking 

Of thingth ath wath were. 

Yonr innocent thtai-e 

Wath what cantlu'il nie to fall . . . 

You are gone, l-mil knowtli where 

AjhI that itlin'l all . . 

— Ted Cariienter. 

Yes, Yes 

So live that when liiy snniinons comes to join 
The innumerable cai-avan that moves 
To that mysterious realm where each shall hear 
His sentence from the ]iaucilo(iuions Dean, 
Thou go, not like thi' pupiiy-dog at noon. 
Slinking from the campus; hut, sustained and 
Soothed liy an unfaultering gall, approach thy fate 
Like one who stacks the chips of blue and white 
Aliont him and deals himself two ])airs of (ineens. 

—Lehigh I',nrr 



One spwana time, thair wn/.za king, annie adda 
vassal anna vaseline. I'ra]is iliie ad addan naughto, 
lie wooda adsum gaso h'.in Mntce didnt andee ad- 
dant. 

N'owil so ai(|K'nedai lliee/e lue men were twins, 
and were ired atliiita samefime. Allto both uvvem 
were then won an the same inree gardtoo there 
reese pective dim enshnns. Hut now won bruther 
wuzzo thin that wennie wuzolf duty ewuz uzcd for 
a windough pain, beeing trantz iiarent azzit wurr. 

Eye spoe maybe yidiwunder watmaydim that 
weigh, meening in regiuirds towiz shape anto iz helft. 
The sadtail izzaz follows: Won daie thukking got 
veriic kwite ecs-seed dingly purrt'oked at twin num- 
ber won, an castim intwo the don genu furr twentee 
daze, annie addalivon bread an water. Wennee wuz 
releesed eeadd lost fortea i)ounds. That, deah bretli- 
ern and cistern, is wye the king adda \assal and a 
vassalean. 

— Awgwan 
S 

Alexander 

There was a chap who kept a store, 

And though there may be grander, 
He sold his goods, nor asked for more. 

And his name was Alexander. 
He mixed his goods with cunning hand, 

He was a skillful brander ; 
And since his sugar half was sand. 

They called him Alex-Sander. 
He had his dear one, to her came. 

Then lovingly he scanned her; 
He asked her would she change her name? 

Then a ring did Alex-hand-her. 
Oh, yes," she said, with snuling lip, 

"If I can be commander:'' 
And so they framed a partnership 

And called it Alex-and-her. 

—Miss E. C. W. in Voo Doo 

S 



^larie — "Here's a joke that a Sunday School 
teacher told me when we were walking home from 
church yesterday." 

Esther — "Ke careful now until we get i)ast these 
little boys." — Haif/oi/lc. 

S 

He — Did you learn about yonr husband's past 
from a fortune teller"/ 

She — 5s(). I merely invited a couple of his old 
collene chums around to diun(>r. 



(14) 



SIREN 





1"-. 



CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE 
Frat — "We have a new disliwaslicr at the house." 
Frater — "How so?" 

Frat — "I noticed the dilTerence in the tinker 
]irints on my phite." 



-S- 



Llne of a Departing Senior 

I sliiver at tlie thoiijiiit of lea\inj;- 

This ch)istered heath. 

Fonr years ago I entered 

Unsophisticated, bouyant with hoi)e. 

I liad an unsullied mind, shallow 

Yet clear. 

This morning I took 

Stock of my credits and debits. 

I have bell bottoms. 

One line, slightly frayed, 

A few epigrams, a superficial 

Knowledge of lit, two copies of F. Scott, 

•lazz appetites, and a preference 

For Camels. 

I haven't any 

IJeal tastes ; no faith 

In myself, an abhorrence 

Of work. 

Is there any wonder 

That 

I shiver at the thouglit of leaving 

This cloistered heath? 



-S. O. S. 



-S- 



Did you ever take her to a dance, and, after pay- 
ing at the door, find that you had only seventeen 
cents left? Then, after a rotten evening of worry 
have the dear young thing suggest, "Let's eat." And 
while you were wondering how to break the news 
liave a friend come up and say: "Hello, old man! 
Here's that ten doHars I boriowcd last month!" 

Neitlier did \.~I'inirh lUnrl. 



An Open Letter To H. L. M. 

Hy Koiikut F. Goodall 

Gentle readers and rough-necks, in closing this 
series of friendly little journeys into correspondence- 
land, it much pleases me to introduce to you a small 
but perfect bit of quite unnecessary and very idiotic 
ad\ice. It is addressed to ourself, ourselves and the 
business staff: 

(Imuyimny litter jn, in the editor of the 
t^lREN to Mr. MeiicA-eii iiprapox t]ie liitter's 
Unur/lnary adverse <-ritieisiit of tlie late hi::- 
cajvT iniiiiher of this le.rieon of all lltat is 
(/nod, holy and humorous.) 
. Dear Harry: If the yet-to-be-sainted son of my 
parents is not wrong, it is very foolisli. Mr. Mencken, 
to make too many scurrilous remarks about the pet 
brain storms of the rising generation. Let me try 
to prove this. After you have departed to your re- 
ward—or punishment— and since you seem doubtful 
of the outcome let us hope that it be punishment, — 
the rising generation, mark you well my words, 
Harry, will be inhabitants of a world enriched by 
your departure. Now unless Sir A. C. Doyle is 
right, your sarcastic baptisms of mustard gas and 
buck shot conceived no doubt while lathering rust- 
no-more shaving cream, will be stiller than the 
league of nations' vote in the Confederation of the 
Khine. And whoever takes your place may be one 
of those whose mental meanderings yon held up to 
scorn. Think well, Mr. Mencken, and for John's 
sake, don't risk our disi)leasure again. Let me close 
by calling yon fat. 

(Siyiiedj THE SIREN 
1'. S. We enjoyed prejudices: Third Series, 
which you wrote, a great deal. 

CRITICISM OF FORECJOING: One of the 
master strokes in this quite ordinary exhibition of 
vowels and consonants is that line in which Mr. 
^Mencken's cori)nlence is referred to. Can we imagine 
anything quite .so aggravating to a slender ])erson 
than to be called fat? Think of Mr. Mencken's itch- 
ing self-respect. But, be he fat, O My! Imagine 
our calling fat Mr. Mencken fat! . . . and oiir 
getting away with it ! Gee! The post script, which 
is sure to show ilr. Mencken our liberality in be- 
stowing credit where it i.s due is (piite valuable as 
an insurance that Mr. Mencken will not risk our 
disp](>asure again. He is sure to be conciliated, and 
who knows, even he might live cpiite a while longer. 



(15) 




1.. 



riiih,!- 



Kxcliiiiifit' Ivliloi', |{;iii(hill |)i|i|M'll. 

('oiitril)Uf iiij; lOditor, ['"'i-iiicis Coniililin. 

Kdilorial staff: Don Allen, Hi'lcn Kii'liiii, ("liailcs 
Noj't's. Donald Lal'nze, Allan D. I'aisons, Sam Shap- 
iro, Holi Seaman, lOlles Kriecklians. 

Editorial Contrilnitors : Dorothy Dunsinji,, h^lo- 
rcMcc Hallin<;i'i-, liall.v romcroy, (ieor^te Kosenhcrn. 



Ii. i;. I"()\\ i.i:i;, liiisiiicxs Miniiitjir 

Art Kdiloi-, Kohcrl F. (ioodall. 

.1;/ .S7«j(f— Ted Car|ienter. .loliii ( 'oii-liliii, Don 
Trontv. T. P. Bonrland, H. ShrvocU. 



('ontrihiitiiuj Artists — J. W. Atkinson, "Pnd" 
I'nderer, Jack Hazellinrst, Flo Speclit. 



.1. A. Kkitii Cirriihil idii Mdiidijcr 

D. J'. Miller Assistant Circiildlioii Mdmniir Business Staff Assislaiits — D. ]*. Miller, C. H. 

WiLLARi) B. Curtis ''"/'.'/ ■^luinn/cr Henderson, C. H. <}oodi)astnre, (\ H. Terence, J. W. 

K. •!. Weiier l''(ir(i(/ii Atln rtisiin/ Kayney, E. E. Braznell, Kobert Buehler, G. H. Corey, 

Brur Ilriti) Local A<lnrtif<iii(/ M(/r. JCdna IJrown. 

Published monthly by the lUini Publishing Company. University ot Illinois, during the college year. Entered as sec- 
ond-class matter at the postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by Act of Congress, March 3, 1897. Office of publication, lUini 
Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 113 Uni- 
versity Hall, Urbana. 



Colored Glasses 



Now that certain of our friends, and certain of our 
enemies have ceased wondering and have begun to make 
self-engendered comment upon why we look "through a 
glass darkly," or, to be more exact why we wear colored 
glas.ses it is meet that this matter be laid open to the 
public before controversy reaches serious stages. There 
is in the scientific world a certain shade of color which 
has been found Instrumental In shutting out ultra-violet 
rays from the retina of the eye; especially valuable, dear 
readers, where the retina has reached the sensitivenss 
which makes the owner blind for two or three days at a 
time. Now we never saw an ultra-violet ray ourselves but 
placing fond and loving trust info a surgeon who owns a 
large automobile, and who, therefore, must be competent, 
we subjected to a week or two In a dark room with several 
tons of apparatus heaped about and on coming out of it 
found that our retinas were so sensitive to light that every 
time the sun came out they would go back someplace and 
hide, thus depriving the owner of seeing things; most dis- 
tracting, be assured. So upon the prescription of the 
aforementioned specialist we were fitted with stove lida 
which also corrected several grevious errors in refraction 
and there you are. To the charge of affectation and eccen 
tricity we make no denial except to ask if it wer(" not 



more becoming to be affected this way rather than to have 
been cross-eyed, cock-eyed, or possessed of some other mal 
ad.iustment of like nature? 

S 



For Concentration 



Much have we said and more have we thought con- 
cerning the things that are wrong with our educational 
system at Illinois. The prime difficulty is that we turn out 
two kinds of students here, one being so liberally educated 
that there is nothing specially it can do in the world and 
the other being so specialized that there is no culture nor 
humanity to be found any place in it. That is not right, 
we think, and so come forth with our annual suggestion as 
to betterment of the situation. Since the size of the insti- 
tution will not permit an English system, let the general 
education take the student through two and perhaps three 
years; two seems to be better. Then in the last two years 
let the specialization take place through the medium of 
four and five hour courses so that there will be concentra- 
tion upon the subject in which the student is most inter- 
ested. Is it any more necessary that the modern languages 
should be concentrated upon than any other subject, ex- 
cept for the peculiar nature of language courses which 
demands not so much concentration as continuity? Think 



(16) 



SIREN 



of the opportunity for genuine scholarsliip and tlie drawing 
out of the natural aptitudes of the student if only three 
or four courses were taken in a semester. There would be 
none of this diversity which takes a student from Theoret- 
ical and Applied Mechanics through Spanish and to Eco- 
nomics in one evening. Instead we would have a con- 
centration similar to graduate school work, conductive to 
stimulating real interest in the subject, certainly to know- 
ing it much better, and a possibility of research in under- 
graduate courses hitherto un-thought-ot except by the 
rare and model pedagogues undtr whom it is our pleasure 
to have courses. 



Fame 

Comes now Fame, tapping at our front door — not 
loudly perhaps, but surely tapping! 

The Sweet Sister is vain, very vain indeed. To be 
reviewed in the lUini has always been a boon to her lady- 
ship. Yet the last issue of the SIREN, the Champaign 
News Gazette went so far as to give us near a column. 
That was surpassingly gratifying to the Maiden and she 
thrilled and thrilled and thrilled and — thrilled again. But 
tills heavy rain turned into a cloudburst. The Girl hit 
the clouds for sure this last issue. 

The SIREN was reviewed by the Chicago Evening 
American, issue of Saturday, December 30, 1922. 

We are writing to the Literary Review and to Judge 
tonight, thanking them in advance for the recognition they 
have seen fit to bestow upon our humble efforts. 



-S- 



Impossible 



We are considerably disturbed by a drawing in Judge 
of January 6 by Werner who tries to get us to believe our 
eyes when we see a man kissing a woman; now that's not 
hard to conceive but this is: the couple sits in the front 
seat of a car, man driving (was driving), in spite of several 
inches of overcoat and heavy clothing he is able to reach 
his right arm around her back and grasp the elbow of his 
left arm which is also about her: Further! We are asked 
to believe that the girl's left arm extends around the man's 
back and grasps the left (outside) side of the steering 
wheel! That is too much! Just try it out in your flivver 
the next time and see if it isn't! We didn't but our room- 
mate offered conclusive proof that it couldn't be done 
(roommates are handy sometimes, like ash receivers.) 



— S- 



Mistake 



We are continually in error, it seems. We laughed 
heartily at the suggestion that going across the quadrangle 
(we like the sound of that word — so Harvardish) on the 
new stone flagging would be reproducing Eliza crossing on 
the ice. Yet when we first saw it we thought they were 
laying a temporary track for the passage of house moving 
apparatus which was to move the Ag building nearer to 
the seat of humanities, Lincoln Hall, purposing the bring- 
ing of the lyricists and classicists back to earth and on 



the other hand to try to get some of the mud off the Ags' 
feet. But imagine our chagrin when were told the truth 
of the matter .... that the ceramics department merely 
used the quadrangle to lay out their cement blocks to dry 
in the sun! 



The Illinois Magazine 

Eighty-six years ago, or circa, James Hall established 
the intrastate ancestor of the Illinois Magazine at Van- 
dalia, calling it the Illinois Literary Magazine, I think. 
Eighty-six years ago Illinois was scarcely settled, except 
in patches and these mostly near the southern and eastern 
boundaries, and it could hardly be called civilzed. Yet 
with surpassing energy which in his life earned for him 
vocational titles ranging from editor to banker and dozens 
in between, James Hall stepped into the wilderness, set 
up a press and turned out a magazine of excelling literary 
merit. It is said that he often wrote half of the magazine 
himself and the results attest his ability as a writer and 
profound thinker. The other half of the contributions 
was gathered from here and there among pioneers who 
came from the more cultivated east. It is peculiarly 
mete to observe our own magazine in the light of James 
Hall's experiences. Surely the millieu, the middle-west- 
ern environment has not changed much since then. The 
Illinois Magazine is yet a pioneer, pressed surely for con- 
tributions of genuine merit at times, and what is mora 
comparable to Hall's time, surrounded with all the dark- 
ness of Phillistia, shadowed by the preponderous turmoil 
of hastily and lightly acquired knowledge in preparation 
for the post-graduation onslaught upon the world's goods, 
the campaign for the dollar. Literary adventures in the 
middle west are lonesome things. Hall must have had a 
terrible time. Surely the Mag is scarred with experience. 
I seem to hear Sandburg bellowing: "Come and show me 
another country (city) with head lifted singing so proud 
to be alive and course and strong and cunning . . . . " 
.And then I have a vision of ourselves still up in the trees, 
throwing cocoanuts about; or visions of hairy persons boil- 
ing uncles or cousins for dinner and having wild roots for 
dessert. 

S 



Commencement 

With the new semester we are reminded of a multi- 
tude of new things, of new books, and new fees, and wierd 
unthinkable requirements, while far in the offing we per- 
ceive a relentless graduation. 

Yet if we were to pause and moralize on our sins, and 
reflect on all the classes missed and all the wisdom for- 
sworn for delightful excursions into strange, rare fields 
not even adjacent to prosy curricula we might point out 
gently .... be we will not. 

Study hard, young fellow. Study diligently. Then, 
when you have worked off the last requirement, and 
achieved a last perfect lab. report, you will possess, doubt- 
less, a vast store of knowledge. You will be wise. You 
will be a graduate. And all of life will lie before you . . . 
. . . untasted. 



(Thr hHs'nirxs office of tlif Sinn /.v in the snxfJitrcst conirr of llic I'nioii 
hiiililhi;/ OH llif iiiiiiih poor. If i/oii do iiol nccirc i/our Sinn prom /ill i/ r( port 
llii- error to tlie <iri-iil(il ion iiidiKKjir tlier<\ U'r (iu<ir(Uite< s<il iKJnelori/ lie- 
lirerji.) 

(17) 



SIREN 




Bpoihei' :- TKat reiuflicis nie^— I roo-s: yt^ m/ house jai 






S-'tr^ 



Essay on Human Nature 

TrivfLTi-NiN'in 

Jly rdiini iiKilc is a liavil task master, and tliciciii 
sliows liiiiist'ir most human. 

]l is arranged in tlic nndcrslixMl law of (nir 
sim|iic dwelling that one of ns sliall arise early in 
I lie mc.ruing and go ahont wielclieil and shivering 
ill the gelid light to cli.sc our window and turn on 
the heat. 

To this purpose our alarm clock jangles at a nns- 
erable hour and bolh ol ns grope from sleep to a 
pained intelligence ol' another day — a day with a 
beastly cold morning. It is tiien that I feel him stir 
and. it it be my morning to arise, each stir is a 
lirick to my languid duty, a reprctacht'ul prod to my 
feigned shnnber. And so he will lie half an hour 
together and poke me at guilty intervals in silent 
exhortation till I get u|i and have done with the 
frigid business. 

lint on alternate mornings: I bolt from sleep to 
the same jangle, and remendier with delicious langor 
that it is not mij morning. So, to aid him in his 
duty I exhort him with sly digs and coveit kickings 
till he arise sullen shivering to his ai)pointed task. 
And so. I think, it is with the other lialf of liie 
world and our alternating nnideasant ries. 



The Cynic 



1 am a professional cynic. 

T look with scorn 

On Women, Professors, Honesty, 

Tudcrgradnates, \'irtue. 

] write: 

".Vll women are fo(ds in one res|)ect: 

They trust the men tliey love." 

Yet I do so covertly. 

I am at F.'s house 

And she will laugh me out 

or court. She will 

Tell me 

"All cynics are fools in one respect: 

They think they believe what they write." 

Again, we are in love 

And she trusts me 

Infinitely. 

ily epigram might shake the 

Foundations of her faith 

In nie. 

Vet while she is away. 

Let me revel in cynicisms for 

I am ;i professional cynic. 

— S. O. S. 



(IS) 



SIREN 



The Tearful Tale of The 
Toothless Sleuth 

Slowly be pluddi'd his weMi-y way, but not liomc- 
ward. Homes were as scarce to him as barber-shops 
and bath-tubs ever were in Petroj^rad. Home to him 
was just a thought of years ago. He had travelled 
the world over, mostly under the box-cars, however ; 
and now he had goue for five wln)le days without 
a drop to eat or a bite to drink. He had no filthy 
lucre, and begging had brought him nothing, but 
a few kitchen utensils, gently wafted (»n tlie l)reeze 
and recoiling from his headless bail-. 

As he slouched along he spied a white card, 
slightly stained, of course, as it had been lying in 
the gutter. He picked it up, not knowing why he 
did it, and recognized it as a meal ticket with two 
pimches left on it. His hope rose like the foam on 
beer and he at once set o>it with the one thought in 
mind — to get on the outside of a good square uu»al. 
He knew just what he wanted but was a little afraid 
that he knew too little Greek to order pie. 

It was nearly dusk when he found said restau- 
rant, and without hesitation he opened the door, all 
set to put on the nose-bag. He entered with the tick- 
et in his hand, but as he did so, when his hob-nailed 
shoes hit the tile floor, both feet went up in the air 
and he dropped the ticket. In trying to regain his 
lialance, one foot landed heavily on the ticket lying 
on the floor. Upon picking up the ticket and e.\am- 
ining it with tear-stained eyes, he discovered that 
when lie had landed on the ticket the hob-nails had 
pniiclicd nut the other two meals. W]iere)i])on he 
tuined a duuldc somersault and dropjicd dead. 

—Burr 



-S- 



The Lady Or The Tiger 

Here was a moment to test the decision of a 

statesman? A clu)ice was to be made wliicii 

sJiall it l)e? The poor boy, for such he was. cuiild 
not collect his mental faculties. Xo doubt, an obi 
er man could have decided without a second's 
tliought, but here was a youth, an inexperienced 
youth, with his first real life's decision before hiin. 
Is it any wonder that the cold perspiration stood 
out on his forehead in tiny beads? But there was 
no drawing back. He must choose. The white- 
faced youngster jjointed with a shaky finger and 
said in a husky, ci-acked voice, "(i-give me one of 
tliose five-centers witii llic picture of the tiger on 
the band." LEFAX. 



You'll Drown 

Do I perspire as sitting here 

I turn out all tiiis rhyme? 

Jly no! The weather's vei'y cold 

Tlie season's winter time. 

The drops which stand ujion my face 

Are not of perspiration 

They emanate from shame, my dears. 

At ])nnk versification. 

— Pop A. Cowe. 
S 

Symposium Americana 

We noticed in the Tiih. of some time past that 
a certain Business Men's Baiupiet or other in Chi- 
cago, Edgar A. (Juest, poet, moved the audience by 
a patriotic ode. AVherenptm General Pershing, his 
warlike vigor .stirred, arose an<l tiaved the Beds. 



Somewhere we have heard the phrase "feast of 
reason and flow of the soul." — T. N. 



Horace, Book I, Od. XXXVIII 

rcrtslcoi! udl, purr, (ipiiartitus 
Oh. take away your pickled camels' toes! 

Your breast of hununing bird and parrot head; 
I wouldn't touch that broiled live ostrich nose. 

But bring me just a plate of beans instead. 
I hate the tongues of French-fried nightingales 

( It makes no ditierence if they arr on toast) 
1 loathe the siglit of roasted sparrow tails; 

A side of beans is what I want the most. 
Ob, bring me just a plate of homely beans! 

The kind my Lesbia has always bought me; 
(lo and pick sonu^ dandelion greens. 

For that's the lesson that Alycenus taught me. 

— Lampoon 
S 



'^^Wi* 



^«-< 



He. "Wonldirt you like a little dog to take with 
you everywhere. A nice iille dog wilh sliclc li.iir 
and everylliing?" 

She. "Ob! This is so sudden!" 



(19) 



SIREN 



Feminine Tintypes 

I'.v S. (). S. 

MISS SI.MI'Kl: 

She walks with iiiinciii*; s[v\> ami generally ((Hii 
polls licisi'ir I lie wav a iii-(iiK'rly-ln'lia\cil laily lal 
IcasI lici- coiict'iiliiin (il'oiicl should liclia\c. Al the 

Icasl iiiiMili r sex ami alliliatcd sulijccls. her 

ciiiiia like iiliysid^iHimy liccoiiics as ci-iiiisdii as llic 
cl.jaU (if a luicailiir. Slic always does iicr Iraiii 
lidiiii; liy day In avoid i'\v\i llic iiit'iilion of hcrllis. 
Ill I he classrooiii licr lessons are jtreiiared most carc- 
I'lilly and siic delivers liei' reeitalioiis wifliout a lal- 
ler. \n\i may realize liev iiselessiiess in lliis world 
liy Hie I'acl Ilial lier own sex lias liltle use for her. 
I Id- only cMiise for exisleiiee. for she surely needs 
one. is Ihal she provides fun for I hose crmd ones 
who lake deli"lil in shoekiii" her. 



MISS CYNIC 

Onee scorned in love and unable to revenjic them- 
selves on (he scorners, they turn cynical. 1 believe 
this to be the case with Millicent who stalks with 
leline grace daily through the columns of the Illiui. 
They rant and rant against men as if they meant it: 
at times they forget they are feminine and act sen- 
sibly and then they turn out some real work. Usu- 
ally, however, their ravings are laughed at because 
they are so palpable. Literarily they pull hair; 
vehemently they revile their fellows wounded by 
Cupid and man in general. The tragedy of it lies 
in its futility. Alack! alas! Millicent. make those 
nieaows madrigals and be hajipy. 



MISS INFERXALIA' rEMINIXE 

Blighted souls, they believe it their duty as wom- 
en to be continually disagreeable and torment tlie 
men, who tiiink themselves the hunters, but who are 
really the hunted. Do what they desire and they act 
ugly; disobey them and be vituperated. Ever dis- 
jileased and ever obeying their whims, they are 
event mil ly discovered. Then instead of sitting iiji 
and taking their due calling down with grace, they 
snivel into the arms of their tender-hearted berators, 
and, thus disarming their lecturers, they escape 
liroper chastisement. The problem of handling them 
only S(domon could solve, and. when he died, it is 
evident that he took the solution with him for it has 
lie\('r been discovered since. 





A co-ed l)asses, shifting her eyes and her form. 
Senior: "If there's anything in a look, she must 
be a devil." 

Frosh: "Why?" 

Senioi-: "llecanse she has a hell of a look." 



MISS MOUP.ID 

Here is the deceitful one who draws confidences 
out of men just for the iileasure of hearing them and 
not to act as a guide for some lost sjiirit. She as- 
sumes a sweet countenance (innnber 114 from the 
book) and beams sympathetically: the man. usual- 
ly damfoolish enough to pour (mt his heart to any 
women who will give him an audience, is her ready 
l)rey. He whispers things to her that woiiid have to 
be dragged out of him if he were in his proper 
senses, and the poseur draws him on. Later he re- 
grets it, but then it is too late. She has his secrets 
and he might as well have printed them in llie 
Saturday Evening Post. You must p.iy to adver- 
tise, but step U|) and get it gratis through her — that 
is, if you want it. 

MISS SOI'IIISTICATION 

She regards yon disdainfully for yon are only 
mortal and she is Lady Sophist icat ion. Her cree<l 
seems to be. "I see all, I hear all, 1 know all," and if 
she doesn't she acts as if she does. All advances are 
siuibbed, and your attemiits as sincerity are avoided 
as the plague'. The only hojie for her is that some 
day Love will come and humble her, prostrating lier 
down to the level on which the rest of humanity is. 
She is one of the main reasons why woman atten- 
dance at an inslitntion of ciilinrc is lrowiie(l on. 



(20) 



SIREN 



Felicia, See What You've Done 

I linte till' yiivs wild ci-itici/.c IIk' works of bards 

renowned. 
A\'lio knock llie lonilis of those whose hones are nionl- 

derinj; \ni(h'riironnd. 
I'nl 1 alisolve my hohl i-esohc and sei/.e my hammer 

dread 
To east a enrse ii|ion llie xcrse oT one who's Univ: 

heen dead. 

She wrote enonnh ji I solid stnlV to .yive liersell' 

a rep 
]>nt not content this lady went and look a fatal 

step. 
And now her name and forniei- fame are one teelotal 

wreck. 
She left to ns the hoy wiio stood npon the l(nrnin<; 

deck. 

— bk; hex. 



-S- 




Too Late 

1 

A chieftain to the Hij^hlands hound 
t'ried "Boatman, do iiot tarry 

For I'll gi\e thee a silver pound 
To row ns o'er tin' feriy." 

— ('ami.liell. 

TI 

The lioatman «;lanced down at his wrist 

And turned the hra/.en lock 
"1 <;iiess you'll lia\c to swim it, Bud 
We close at li\'e o'clock." 

BK! BEN. 
S 

^\'liat to do and what to say — 

1 am worried ni<i;ht and day. 

Three to clniose from. What a fret I 

Cigar'? I'ipe"/ or cigarette'.' 

— Pop A. Cowe. 



» 9 



ivAr:,* 







BdX 
Oo 



P^tMT> 



00 00 



(21) 



SIREN 



Vacation Impressions 

Till'; T1{A1N 

Click. Cli.k. Click. Ilunir ;i( ImsI. N'isiuns of 
vc:il iiic:ils once inm-c. Siill iiiciiioi-ics iif wuincii 
thai lill :is iii\isic. Ildiiic. .Mil Tin- Sliickcss: 
D.iMccs -DiiMiiis The oil! ( r<i\v<l. l'';iniili;ir i)l:ic('s. 
Mciiilirul lluiiijilits. Diiiw.siiicss. 'I'dkcr? Sure. 
I'll l.ikc 11 ii:iiiil." Ci.nai-cllc siiKikc. ••Ix:iisc vini 
six." Clickcly Click. 

iio.Mi: 

'•Well. Ikiw do .voii like sclic.i.l?" Iii.nic (|Ucs 

linns. Ijiiliai-riissiiiji (picrics. K(';il rnml mice 
iiKirc. 'r.-iiilali/.iiiji- ]ili()iics tlinl (Iciii,-iihI nickels. Ak 
liiiinu v.iices. Tentative dales. I'aiiiily (-((iiversa- 
ti.)ii. I'lel.ian chatter. Cit;arelles. heep inhales. 
A\'(inls while e.xlialiii;;. S<)|ihisticale(| airs. P.lase 
jiuses. "ScIkkpI isn't so had." 

CIIHISTilAS 

I'l-eii/.ieil scranililes for presiMils. Eager clinek- 
les. Dismal looks. Fovj>otteu friends. Oh, well. 
Buy New Year's cards. .Maliiomished coffee. In- 
((iiests over jiroscnts. The eleriial knit ties and 
boxes of liankics. Mnttered cuises. "Fool. 1 
slionld liave ji^iven her a nice card." 
THE LOOl' 

Crashin,i; elevateds ovei-head. CrowiU'd streets. 
Blank faces, ralnted faces leeriny from windows. 
Bnildinjis. Stores. People. Chaos. 
THE "L" 

Trampled toes. Swaying liodies. Snhmergcd 
laughter. Married couples «jil)l)erin5>. Young wo- 
men smiling. Oldish ladies reading "Jurgen"' with 
dry lips and gasping breath. <!ray-haired men read- 
ing papers with feverish anxiety. "Aiithenhesaid." 
Girls with crossed legs and gum-boots. Satin slip- 
pers with woolen hose. Hlnrred faces behind 

screaming headlines. "Clian.ge ears Tor Kenw 1 

an' Stockyards." 

NEAV YEAR'S EVE 

Fu/.zy outlines and spotted faces. A diu of y,v/.y.. 
Snickering girls. "Idiots. I.ettem ,uig,ule. (lot 
nice comfy conch here." I'.laring horns. Whistles. 
'•Le'me sleep." Confusion. Slipping, slipping, ev- 
erything sliding around. .\ dull headache next 
nioniiiig. 

CO.MIXC I',.\CK 

Thai one o'clock train. Thai last glorious night. 
"Well, I'm glad it's all over." IMack porters. Lel- 
t<'rs ]irumised written while on the train. Sickly 
icewaler. Vapid cigarettes. Stale smoke. Cold 
windows with black country rushing by outside. 
IMagazines with blurred lines. "Ho linin." Only 
ten minutes more. Clothes brushed. Small change. 
Welcome lights. "Cliamiiaign." 



The Babbling Boob 

TUKULTI 

.\ blind man who had traded his sense of taste 
lor a cold, Weill into a reslaiiranl, and ordere(l soup. 
The waitress, realizing his condition, served him a 
bowl of iiot water, which he did consume with gusto 
and rythym and melody. Tnlknlti reminils me of 
thai soup. 

i;i(HlT O'CLOCKS 
A rrieiid of iniiie missed his breakf.ist Ihree days 
a week, and then flunked the course. His instrnc- 
lor either was a great ti-ageilian oi- had a real sense 
oT linnior. 

LECTCUFS 
"We will now consider the methods of creating 
inte!est--Will yon wake up your neighbor, please? 

__Yon can't sleep in my class Interest is secured 

by a dominant ])ersonality Will you wake up 

your " After fifty minutes the bell rings. 

S 

Last night 
I went 
To a dance. 
And 1 saw 
Some girls 
Who had on 
Very short dresses. 
And I saw 
Some girls 
Who had on 
^^ery long dresses, 
. And I looked, 
First at the short, 
And then 
I looked at 
The long dress^es. 
And I ]ireferred 
The obi style 
Short Dresses, 
For two good reasons. 

—Kraut 




A SORORITY UUSHROOU 



(22) 




Salmagundi— 

"A box where sweets compacted lie" 
to tempt the taste, intrigue the eye 

Visualize this newest member of Whitman's Quality Group, 
a gift-box of metal, with mosaic design by Mucha. Imagine 
the hinged lid swinging back, releasing the aroma of this new 
assortment of Whitman's, a promise of the treat to come: 

Majestic, Plum Pudding, Mint Rings, Pecan Cluster, Filbert Cluster, 
Brazil, Marshmallow Fudge, Nougat, Molasses Chewing, Pecan Marsh- 
mallow, Solid Tablet, Marshmallow Square, Almonds, Flat Cream 
Mints, St. Nicholas, Marshmallow Apricot, Molasses Chips, Pecan Cara- 
mel, Milk Chocolate Blossoms, Solid Chocolate Butterfly, Molasses 
Blocks, Marshmallow Mints, Messenger Boy. Surely "a feast of nectared 
sweets where no crude surfeit reigns." 

Salmagundi Chocolates, in their sought-for art metal box, 
are sold by that selected store near you displaying the sign 





Chocolates 
and Confections 

STEPHEN P. WHITMAN & SON, Inc., Philadelphia, U. S. A. 

Also makers of Whitman's Instantaneous Chocolate, Cocoa and Marshmoiiou/ Whip 






Whitman's famous candies are sold by 
URBANA CHAMPAIGN 

I'liivc'i-sitv I'lianiiacv -I"'"' Scliiilcr .S; ('<>. 

70.-. «. Goodwill Ave. Amide (N.iileetioiiei-y 1 -I . A. Tiioriiiiill 

Urbana Drug Co., 
Ill West Main street 



SIREN 



A Hint on Wearing Dress Clothes 





RIGHT 

One look at a man's dress clothes is 
sufficient to tell if he is accustomed 
to wearing them. In detail he may be 
properly dressed, and in the main 
points everything may be correct, but 
unless he knows something about how 
to put dress clothes on he is sure to 
have overlooked some tell-tale fact 
like the length of the waistcoat. That 
is probably because he does not know 
or has not thought of it. The two il- 
lustrations above of the right and 
wrong way are examples of the most 
common defect in the wearing of 
dress clothes. Fashion dictates that 
when a waistcoat is perfectly made it 
does not show below the waistline of 
a dress coat. That means that a man 
must try a new waistcoat on with his 
dress coat in order to avoid this glar- 



WRONG 

iug fault. If a waistcoat is hurriedly 
bought, on the way home to dress tor 
an evening party, it is likely to be 
wrong. It usually presents the ap- 
pearance of the illustration at the 
left. A good tailor will insist on fit- 
ting a waistcoat with a dress coat. A 
good haberdasher should do the same. 
Also the man who does not know 
should be told that the only correct 
shirt to wear with a dress coat is one 
with a plain stiff bosom. The correct 
collar is a moderately high wing col- 
lar with a wide opening. The cor- 
rect tie is white and should be tied 
with a small knot and flaring ends. 
The correct socks are thin black silk, 
and the patent leather dancing shoes 
are generally worn, though pumps are 
correct if preferred. 



Good Taste in Dress Is 

Represented by Your 

Taste in Color 

V.'hen dressing, many men assem- 
ble their wardrobe in a curious way. 
They choose the shirt, the tie and 
the hat they like, all of which in them- 




selves may represent good taste, but 
which do not bear any relation one 
to the other as regards color. Now 
this is curious in so much as we are 
trained to look at a picture, or any 
work of art, as a whole. That is the 
way we should look upon dress. Your 
favorite striped tie looks well only 
when it is worn with a suit and shirt 
which set it off. It is a mistake to 
choose a tie be:;ause it is your favor- 
ite. It should be worn only when the 
suit, shirt, handkerchief, etc., justify 
the selection. Take for evample the 
color scheme of the dress of the man 
illustratedj above. You may differ 
with the choice of accessories pre- 
sented, but they are unquestionably 
harmonious. It harmony is achieved 
the result cannot be bad and that is 
the great test of a man's taste in 
matters of dress. 



When the Length of the 

Sleeve Is Wrong the 

Suit Has Not Been 

Fitted 




RIGWT 



A shirt cuff is supposed to show at 
least one inch below the coat sleeve. 
In view of this fact, why is it that so 
many men are seen wearing their 
coat sleeves so long that they prevent 
the cuff from showing? It is because 
their clothes are not properly fitted 
in the first place. Such details are 
not strongly impressed on the cus- 
tomer Ijy the average fitter who makes 
alterations. Bear this point in mind 
and insist on having your coat sleeve 
properly adjusted so that the suit will 
look as though it were made for you 
and not someone else. Even the best 
tailors are directed by their smartly 
dressed clients. If this were not true 
all the men wlio were turned out of a 
particular shop would be eqtially well 
dressed. And we know that this is 
not the case. Study your well dressed 
friends. What is it that produces the 
good result but the perfection of de- 
tails? Copy some of their carefully 
considered points and try them out 
for yourself. 



Curtain 

Rastus: Liza, wil you go ridin' in 
mail Ford? 

Liza: I won't do nothin' else. 
Rastus: Then you cain't ride in mah 
Ford. 

— Agwan 
S 

The Aftermath 
"When I looked out of the window, 
Johnny, I was glad to see you playing 
marbles with Billy Simpkins." 

"We wuzzunt playing marbles, ma. 
We just had a fight, and I was help- 
ing him pick up his teeth." 

— Judge 



(24) 



SIREN 



A Book You MUST Own 



The Sirens of Illinois 

J 

1 have had all their Beauties and Blemishes revealed in a 

I 

! way that leaves scarcely a scale unturned 



TOWN and GOWN 

By Lois Seyster Montross 
and Lynn Montross 



gives a keen and satirical view of social life-of a sort- 
here, and "razzes" some faculty dignitaries in a hearten- 
ing-or exasperatmg way 



$2.00 U. of L Supply Store $2.00 



I 

e 

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SIREN 



A Chain of Thought ' '^'■■^•^"■'i i"''' '" ""■ ''''Hi- ■ 

Mfl'iiic I knew hiT jiMiiic. 
Kissed licr ill ilic iiKiiiiilii'lii. , , , , , , , , 

I iIk.ii-IiI that 1 liad stolen i(. 
.M\ lic:iil was III a whirl: i. . i i ^ x i i i • 

Kill I lust iiiv wntcli and cliain. 
1\ iiiciiiili and I'M's were lull <>l liaii- — 

' ,, . , -Hisdii 

.\1\ ariiis were lull iil yirl. ... , , ,. . , , 

1 kissed her lifst at nine n cliicU, 
— I'rinceldii Tiu''!- .... 

lale lie\ cr se<>iiied s(i s\\ eel ; 
kissed her in I lie ijaiden , , , . , , , , , , 

•^ Al Iwclve o clock <li)\\ii c.iliie her ilad. 

.\iiil ni\ liraiii was rallier ijladdisli; ,,11 , ■,,-.■ 

"^ .\lid helped me Willi his teel. 

Iv coal lapel was powder while — 

— Soni- Owl 
.\!\ li|is and cheeks w<'T'e reildisli. 

— ( 'alirornia I'elieaii S 

kissed her in the imrloi- ValueS? 

I felt niv.sclf {jrow faint; A l.iir-lar rohhed onr pla<-e List iii-ht 

lii'ealhed a lot of clieaji ix'ifiinie — Hut never look a Ihiiiii, 

I tasted too iiiiich ]iaint. Although he -dt my lather's watch 

— Colfjalc P.anter And niotlier's diamond rinji. 

kissed her in the vestibule 

I vearned for more and more; He took a lot of useless junk 

went to kiss her once again — A'aluahles (tf a sort 

l!ul kisse<l the closing door. Hut nothing really worth his while — ■ 

— Notre Dame .higgler He didn't get my quart. 

ki.s.sed her in my dreams that night — — Pop A. ('owe. 

The kiss was wondrous sweet. • S 

!iit I awake, enraptured. Xaive: That man that just jiassed looked 

And found I'd kissed the sheet. familia.r. 

— Howd(Uu H>earskin Hlase: He was! 

+ ,_._™_„_.,_,u,_.,_,,,,_.,,_,„_«_,._.._,,_,,._,._,„_™_,„_,„_,„_„_,»_.„_™_._.._»_»_,._|..„_,._„_„_™_„_._„_„_._„^. 



February 14th 

— The Day of Hearts 

Send flowers to the one that is closest to your heart 
But he sure and send them from the 

Art Floral Company 

111 Wi:ST CHTTRCH ST., CHAMI'AKiX. ILLINOIS 

PHONES— Main 4100 imd 4101 
(hir I'liiinrx arc (lr()i>'ti by f^.rprrfu, a ml Arrdiii/iil hji Aiiistn 



1 1 

4.,_„_„_>.—_„_,„_.,_„_.„_,..^„_„_„_™_™_„_„_„_„„_„_„_„_,._„_„_,._™_„_„_„_™_™_,._,„_._._„_„_._.4. 

( 26) 



y 




\, 




Courtesy of I. C. S. 

What chance have you 

got against him? 

IT was a cynic who said: "Some men go to 
college. Other men study." 

A slander! But yet there probably are college 
men whose bills for midnight oil are not large. 

And there are men who left school in the 
lower grades who, along with a hard day's work, 
put in long hours of study — spurred on by a 
dream and a longing. 

Look out for them. 

The achievements of non-college men in busi- 
ness suggest an important fact. Success seems to 
depend, not so much on the place where a man 
studies, as on the earnestness of the student. 

But, granting equal earnestness and ability, it is 
still true that the college man has the advantage. 

Kegular hours for study and lecture, the use of 
library and laboratory, the guidance of professors, 
contact with men of the same age and aspirations 
— all these will count in his favor, i^hc makes t/ie 
most qft/icin. 

A big "if. " The new j'ear is a good time to 
start making it a reality. 



Since 1869 makers and distributors of electrical equipment 



Number 2S of a series 



/ 



SIREN 









"Central Illinois Greatest Store for Men" 
S^ 33-35-37 Main St. Champaign 



•■Aictrt siiilois flu- most (.|(M|nrnl men I" DO YOU KNOW THAT 

"Yes. I'diiyiilv spciilciiig.'" — Cntckir. IT you save one (lollar a week, von will save np 

a million dollars in 20,000 yeais? 

^ 

The aunual consuni]ition of gasoline in the U. S. 

l)an<;hler— "lias my mail c.inie yet ?" is stniieiidous? 

Jliifli,.]. — "Danfihter, yon mnsi slop nsini^ that If all the trolley tracks from ISostoii to Now 

terrihle slang." — liiirr. York were laid end to end, one end would lie in 

Koston and the other end in New York? 

New Year's Day alwavs eonies before Xmas — of 



-S 



'•AA'ant a ride? — "Whoa — Det in — Diddap — the same year? 
Dimnie a tiss — No? — Whoa — Det out — Diddap. Not all college stndents wear their tionsers oxer 

— Voo Doo their shoes? Only the men do. 

+._.. .,_.„_.,_,.,_,. .,_,„_.„_, ,„,_.._„„_,._„„_,._„,_.„—»._.»_.,_„_,„_»._.,_,, (.,.—. ,„,_,„,_.„_,._.„_n._.„_,.,^ 



An Opportunity 

is being offered to you 

Subscribe to the Siren 

For the last five issues of the year for 75c 
It is your magazine and needs your support. Suppose 
you read your own Siren from now on, and be a booster. 

Send it home to the folks 
Ry Mail 85c 



,._,._„ , .._™_,._.„T-,„ ,„_„._,._.,_.„ „ ,—..—,. ., ..— . .1 ,_.._.,— ,.— — _. — ,.— . — ., 4. 

(2S) 



SIREN 



Single Copies of The Siren are 1 
always on sale at the following | 
places: I 

I 

I'ltinisil II DislricI: 1 

I 
r. of I. !Siip|)ly Stdi-c (Co-op) j 

(iiron Street I'liariiuiiv f 

]"]iif;iiieer's Co-op | 

I'liiversity riiarmacy — (iooilwiii .V^ve. J 

Idol Inn I 

I 

<'li(iiiijiai(/ii : I 

Innian Hotel i; Drnj; i-loiv J 

ilollelt and Woller ! 

Swannell's Drug Store ! 

Irbtniii: I 

does 1 laee « 

Leslie's Music Store ; 



Examination— 



D 



Don't be afraid of it. We are 
not 



D D 



White Line Laundry 







This one 

extra 
process 

dives a 
delightful 
quality that 
cannot be 
duplicated 



!ri:ti't1ttttit!tt:!irrTTrtintt:ritmm 



m 



tltHntifc 



INCORPORATED .,.^'^^^^\\ 



(29 J 



SIREN 






ODeaa^ 



Cafeteria 



CKI i:. CKKEN 



n 



! ! 

I I 

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I i 



1 ] 



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'The Little Green Trees 
Will Guide You Here' 



•Home of the Electric Waffle" i 



! 1 
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La Vogue Shop 



.Mrs. i.aiiia ( i. Smith 






1 I 



Ice Cream - Sherbets 

Ices - Eskimo 

Pies 



<$> 



Champaign Ice Cream Co. 

Main 175 2107 



i I 

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..4. +, 

(30 ) 



Try— 



"THE MODEL WAY" 



You'll Like It 



Phones 1115 and Main 897 ! 

I 
I 



D 



Model Laundry Co. 



Successors to Soiider"s Laundry 






SIREN 



lit' — "\Mici-(' do yd (111 iiii)><t (if Ydur fkatiiig wlii'ii 
Iciirning?" 

She — "I think ydu're horrid." — OctuiiKs. 

S 

Stewed-Honey — "I'd like to see yon jiparl t(ir a 
nionient. 

Lady <"h'rk — "Say. kid. wha(hiyah lliiidi I am. a 
pii/./de for the iitth' dUcs?" 

S 

THE RINGS OF BELLES 

A rinj; heneath tiie ear shows yon're up-to-date, 
A riiif;- heneath the eye shows you're up-too-hite; 
HIT 
A I'ing ujidU your lin<;er siiows yon're n|i-l(i-l^ate. 

— Till' -lade. 

EMBALMING FLUID FOR THIS> 

Salesman — "And did the wdolen pajamas I sdld 
ydu last winter please yon, sii?" 

Cholly — "Indeed they did. 1 was simply tiekled 
to death."— r/ir .J(i(l< . 

Aluninns — "Hey. Frdsh. ^i\e me yd'ii' cap (if eof- 
fe, the waiter forj^nt mine." 

Frosh — "Sir".' Yon have no j;roun(ls lo ask tiiat I'' 

—/■'rosl,. 



Refreshes The Student i 

Invigorates The Athlete I 

1 

Keep a jai-fiil in yonr rodiii. Carry a tiask- [ 
full in lunch tablet fdiin. J 

! 

Avoid Imitations i 

I 



I 



At Fountains 



Famous for its quality j 

and flavor I 



Horlick's 



iv^ 




7 Malted^ 



The Original 



Kelly- 
General — 
Diamond — 
Tires- 

■D D 



Fidl Line Aeeessories, Supplies, Parts for 
Your Automobile. 

Storaufe 



Churchill-Bengtson & Miller 
Inc. 

115-117 ^. Race St. 
Urbana, 111. 






That ours is a busy store is a well 
known fact 



Why: 



? 



W\' serve oidy the Hest. and we try to jilease, f 
Try our lunch today then everyday I 



D D 



Schuler Bros. 



+ +. 

(31) 



I 

!» Jlain Si reel j 

I 



SIREN 



Don't Forget 
the name 



Marriott 



X'assar i;.', : ■'Oli, drur. I jiisi lan't 
adjust my curriiniluin!" 

Yale '25: "That's all right. It docs 
not show any." 

— Record 

S 

Molher (aside): "Kdiui, your eollar 
IdoUs light." 

lOdiia: "Oh. l)ul mother, he really 
isn't." 

— Orange Owl 



I IMione 1698 j 

wlii'li viitt :lfc ill the liiitfkct j 

I Tot- lifiiitit!;;'. J 

! The liellcf kitiil is (iiir :tilii | 

I ami we li:i\(' (•iiiixillceii iiianv | have in the next act?" 



Teacher: "What's 6 and 6?" 

Willie: "12." 

Teacher: "Very good." 

Willie: "Good, lielll it's perfect." 

— Purple Cow 



S. D. J.: "What character do you 



lh;it \\v |ii-<)iiii(H- only tlic j 
licsl. 1 



j 
Girl: "I'm not supposed to have any | 



Watch and 

Jewelry Repairing 

in 

THE CO-OP 



ENGRAVING 



character; I'm in the chorus." 



Marriott's Print ! 

Shop I 

120 N. Walnut [ 

Over Campbell's Restaurant | 

Phone 169S j 



Sweet Kisses 

He: "Please give me just one." 

She: "I can't." 

He: "Why?" 

She: "It's Lent." 

He: "When will you get it back?" 

— Wisconsin Octopus 
S 



I A. G. Kirmse 

I 

I Complete line of chains 

\ and Watches 

1 






DO YOU WRITE? 

H ymi li;ivi" wi-itiiij; of aiiv kitid to do \vf 
want Id call y<mr titicutioii l(i tlie 

(»J'ENIN<; OF Ol K 
NEW STOEE 



where, as in our old |)lace. \vc will reatine 
CORONA. KO"\'AL, and ail inaki-s of TyiX'- 
wi-itci-s I'of .sale and rent ami in adtlition \vf 
will have a veiy select .stoek of TYPE- 
WKITIOH rA.rEKS, STATIOXEKY, FOUX 
TAIN I'ENS, PENCILS, etc. AVheu you 
think of ,iiiy kind of wrilinj; think of 
WlllTK. 



R. C. WHITE & CO. 



! I 



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(i).") K. (ireen (downstairs) 
Wat ell oui- display window j [ 

I I 

(32) 



Special Candy for 
Valentine 



We have some very attractive sjiecial Val- 
entines in red s.itin; liaml iiainted boxes of 
camlv. Two ounces to live pounds. 



D 



Src (hir U'imldir IH!<iilii!/ 

The Apollo Confectionery 
Morvios HHos. 

Urbana 



jy E IV I S P A P I N s 




S T E A Af CYL I T^DE FL 



They Weighed Air— 
a/id Charles II Laughed 




AMUEL PEPYS says in 
his diary that CharlesII, 
for all his interest in the 
Royal Society, laughed 
uproariously at its members 
"for spending their time only in 
weighing of air and doing nothing 
else since they sat." 

This helps to explain why 
Charles has come down to us as 
the "merry monarch." 

The Royal Society was engaged 
in important research. It was try- 
ing to substitute facts for the 
meaningless phrase "nature ab- 
hors a vacuum," which had long 
served to explain why water 
rushes into a syringe — the com- 
monest form of pump — when the 
piston is pulled out. 

Denis Papin had as much to do 
as anyone with these laughable 
activities of the Royal Society. 
Papin turned up in London one 
day with a cylinder in which a 
piston could slide. He boiled water 
in the cylinder. The steam gener- 
ated pushed the piston out. When 
the flame was removed, the steam 



condensed. A vacuum was formed 
and the weight of the outer air 
forced the unresisting piston in. 

Out of these researches eventu- 
ally came the steam engine. 

London talked of the scandalous 
life that King Charles led, and paid 
scant attention to such physicists 
as Papin, whose work did so much 
to change the whole character of 
industry. 

The study of air and air pumps 
has been continued in spite of 
Charles's laughter. In the General 
Electric Company's Research 
Laboratories, for instance, pumps 
have been developed which will ex- 
haust all but the last ten-billionth 
of an atmosphere in a vessel. 

This achievement marks the 
beginning of a new kind of chemis- 
try — a chemistry that concerns 
itself with the effect of forces on 
matter in the absence of air, a 
chemistry that has already en- 
riched the world with invaluable 
improvements in illumination, ra- 
dio communication, and roentgen- 
ology. 



Gene r aid) ElecTfcric 



:/ 0/ 



Company 



Sche nectnJy, MY. 



€-■ 



_5 




M^^CH 





We've Acquired the 
Gym Store Stock 

We recently imi-cliased the 
entire stock of the I'liiversity 
(Jyni Store, formerly located in 
the ilen's (lyni. 

Yoiril liiid tlial \vc now ha\c- 
one of the most complete stocks 
of atliletic goods ohtainable. 



Blue Skies and 
Fair Weather 



will soon lie here — and with them conies the 
great "American Game.'' It won't be long until 
the streets are tilled with aspiring baseballers 
playing "catch." And it won't be long nntil 
you'll he organizing your team for the Intra- 
mnral contests. 

Tlii'ti yo\ril want gloves that have the right 
"fecr": and bats that seem specially built tor 
yon: and the other things that ptit real plea- 
sure into the game and ability into your per- 
formance. 

You'll lind (KKl East Green Street a real 
treasure-house of "Spring Sport Stutt." Won't 
you come in and swing some of our bats and 
slip on a glove — jnst for the pure joy of antici- 
pation? 



Pants 

Specially Priced 

AA'e have on hand several pairs of odd-sized 
baseball pants, for those who don't want to buy 
a whole suit. You'll find them very reasonably 
priced. 



STUDENTClJPPLYCrORE 
•ervice f Javin^ ^ C* Jaiis/aciion 



606 East Green Street 



'Chuck" Bailey 



"Shelby" Himes 




The Happy Ending 

The play's over — the whole shooting 
match. Everyone is either dead or mar- 
ried. Now you can go home, to the 
really happy ending of the day — to read 
your copy of 

VANITY FAIR 

111 Each Issue : — - 



PAGES of photograplis of the most care- 
fully dressed actresses and the most 
carelessly dressed dancers. 

REMEWS of the latest plays, to solve 
the iirohleni of what In see when in 
town. 

SATIRICAI- sketches by Fish and other 
artists, to keep you in touch with the 
follies of the world. 

HUMOR with a line you'll fnul irresisti- 
ble to female prom-addicts and home- 
town debutantes. 



SPORTS articles by men who have played 
on teams themselves, and UK^or pages 
by an expert. 

AN Auction Bridge corner which will 
^ make your game a social and business 
asset. 

ART, life and letters served up in short 
. courses which will not jade the most 
delicate appetite. 

AX'D the only sensible, correct, well- 
. bred department of men's clothes jnib- 
lished in this count r\-. 



Wh 



ere s 



th 



Nearest News Stand? 



SIRE N 

Accessories That 

Help To Keep 

The Bathroom 

Tidy 



Wliiit (Iocs your liiiOirooni 
lu'i'd rifilit now — a towel or 
hatli-inal l)ar. <;lass shell', 
tiiMiIilei' liohler. a soaj) dish 
or a tootli lirush lioMci- — any 
or all III' lliciii '.' 
Let us lielp you select. 
You'll liiiil ,-, coiiiiilele dis- 
|)lay licrc. Not the tliiiisy, 
shod(l\ kind, liut material 
and worknianshi]) lliat lasts 
— the cheapest liy far, in the 
end. 



Apperson Bros. 

Plumbing and Heating 

Phone 7-3760 ._ 120 S. Race St. 

URBANA 



1 



The 



uracN 

laughs because 

the world is so 

darn funny 

Let the 

JIKEN 

stir your sense 
of cosmic humor, 




For Distinctive 
Printing 



You will find our work most 
satisfactoi-y tor all I'ratei'- 
nity and Sorority I'nhlica- 
tioiis. Stationery, an<l Party 
rro<jrams. 



D D 



Co-Operative 
Press 



I Hi X. First St., Champaijin 
Phone M-210a 






Why not 
take lunch 



'Where 
Connoisseurs 
Cons'retiate?" 



'There is something 
fine about it 

smoke shop^s NEW YORK 




*|4« 

( 1' ) 



GREEN 
TEA POT 






SIREN 



Talk About i 
CAKE } 

I 

Tli.-il ('(iriniirl l)rli(/lil is J 

womk'i-riil ! And so i-c;isnii | 

;iI)1l' ill pi-icc. Try it lor your I 

next ii:ir(y, or wt'eii-eiid I 

onlci-. i 

I 

we iiiiiicc also, rattit's, | 

Tiinliales, Mei'iiigues. and I 

Cheese Straws. I 

1 

I 

D ! 



Berryman's Bakery 

213 South Neil. 



We make it RIGHT and deliver i 
it ON TIME ! 



The 

smEN 

often prints 

good poetry 

because she thinks 

people who laugh 

have imagination. 

Buy a 

HPiiN 

and polish up 
your perception 



Light Lunch 

al Xoon Time i 

or any other time of tlie day i 

or niglil is served with tliat I 

appetizinj;- way yon will like 1 

Ice Cream 

and all kinds of refre.shing = 

driidcs served by expert dis- | 

] leasers. | 

Candies 

Home made, famous \'ic- i 

toria chocolates per pound i 

box 50c. I 

Vaky*s 
Confectionery 

;> Main St. ClninipaijLin I 









7 I 



Why Trouble Mother? 

Why Bother With Mailing 

Why Not Do It The White 
Line Way? 



It's So Much Easier- 



Vou can lea\i' your bundles at 
the Laundry Depot. I'ickups 
and deliveries daily. 

.".:!() 10. (Ireeu Kl. 



OR i 

M Our oilice 1 

The White Line Laundry i 

:.()(; N. NEIL MAIN 4(IC. J 

i 




^^T/iey Regain the Style Li?tes Lo7iger' 

F. BERG&CO., New York, Boston, San Francisco FafMry Orange, N.J. 



( 3 ) 



SIREN 



Ulysses Bound 



For How Long? 



A (hii-iiij; \ iiiiiii; <l:iiu('i- ri-iiin Sp.iiii 
I'scil to (Musc nil the I'lisscrs i;i(mI |>:iiii 
Hill a liov •'ill the know" 
\\'()i-o smoked {"lasses and so 
She wriitjiled her torso in \ain. 



The joker is I lie s|iice oT lilV. 
lie comes and j;oes yi-t alwavs stavs. 
And in his wa ndei-in.ns lo anil I'ro 
The Joker alwavs pays, 
r.ehold Ihe wav, (wo ni^lils ai^o, 
I eaiifihl him wandering; lo ami I'ro. 
J'(»r A. COWIO. The eij-hteen dollars in the jiol 

Xow in my pocket stays. 

I'OI' A. ('OWE. 



-S- 



)ooner or Later 



Lat( 



The city's aiiiHial sales day had i)as.seil. Several 
merchants were slandinf; alioiit the committee room 

di.scussimi the vahie of the j^real events to the var- -^ ''"'^ '*^''" '"'^'■'' "^'"1 !'•''"' 

lous store owners. '^^''•^ '^i'"^^" '-"'""I ''^ '"-'".^ •' "■''»'■ 

"Say Jones, how'd y.m pros])er?- Tl'^" «''*' I'J"'^ =' l''« t-l':"ice 

"I didn't." Went to Bradley to dance .... 

"Bnt I thouiiht von said von had a record break- ' >^;>i'' '^l"' ^^'•^^'^ Ji'">'l • ""^^ '^'"' ''i"''- 



inj; crowd?" 
"I did." 
"Well—" 
"I own a victrola shoj).' 



I'OI' A. COWM 



-S- 



-Twins. 



"Have you heard the story about the whip". 
"No, I— 
"It's snappy!" 






BATS AND BALLS 

ami All Planner of 

Spring Playthings 

are ready in (Uir stock for yonr inspection and KKAKIX" T< > <!(> 

BASKKALL OCTI 'ITS TENNIS RACKETS AM) HALLS 

(lOLF CLUBS AND BALLS 

JEKSEYS SWEATERS SHOES (iL()\'ES 

We carry several of the best makes of tliesi' i^oods and can meet yoni- wishes 
as to the (juality and price. 



Raclu'ts 
Restrung 



U. of I. Supply Store 



KODAKS 
ind FILMS 






SIREN 





tT'S The. G-if^C SHOftT* or StiiaT 



A<VO THC G-mt- 3HOHT' OF COR<_ 

WHO f s TAOKeo or -roo/RY 1 



(5) 



SIREN 




SIREN 



Round and Round 



(A ^^if/iirl t(i "Tiitru diid (lairn") 
P.y Jlr. ,111(1 Mrs. AIlicil M. K'ccvcs. jiiilliors 
'•The Man A\'li.) Wins." 



Editor's \tt1r: We Jmrc nccjnd the fdlldiriin/ i iihristiiH/ jicrxdiiitl milr fiDiii lite (liilliors of ■■liniiiKl 



(tlld Round": Dcur sir: ]\'r an- riirlnsiin/ n litllr iiiii iillsrri/tl irhirli ire luipc trill Ik 
i/our riifif/a:iiir. \Vc luin- hml miiiic xloricK printed in ••'I'tic Clirisliini Advoiiili" mid irr 
DKUiji of o\ir IH(ih Si-lniol traclirrs i/iary in/o thai ire hud iniiisiial hilnil. Ihijiiiui In linir 



(irailiihlr for 
ircrr I old III/ 
'roiii j/oii soon 



Vrrij trull/ yours. 

Mr. a.M) Mits. Alfred M. Kekvks 



FOREWORD: As loyal graduates of the Uni- 
versity, my wife and I have endeavored in ''Round 
and Round" to present the whole truth of cani])us 
life and, incidentally, to increase the enrollment and 
double the appropriations. AVe have taken repre- 
sentative tyjies: sweet, lovable, wholesome and 
helpful. 

FIRST EPISODE: iriir<dd liahhitt Pcahody. 

"(iraciou.s, how I have enjoyed tiie Fniversity I" 
sighed Harold, as lie registered at the beginning of 
his senior year. His friend. James La Verne, re- 
sponded affectionately : 

''My dear fellow, I am {piite sure that I shall 
always be intiuenced by the motto on noble old I'ni- 
versity Hall — 'Labor and Learning'." 

They strolled to their room where they shared a 
pitcher of delicious lemonade and chanted dreamily 
some of Edgar (Juest's verse. 

SECOND EPISODE: Tlir Furiilli/ and the Silent 
liib. 

It was at a charming dinner parly given in lionor 
of the chaperons by one of the splendid old frater- 
nities. Dean Apricot overhead the girl in the jiink 
organdy dress exclaim: "1 have completed the most 
wondei'fnl book, 'Jnst .liiiimie.' The rythm of the 
|irose is e.\(|iiisite." 

Dean Apricot, always cordial, was delighted. lie 
turned to her and said, "I hope tiiis occasion will 
iiiai'k the beginning of an ennobling friendship and 
that we shall discuss many other literary works to- 
gether." 

He noildiMl kiiiilly and attcniiveiy as he walched 
her waltzing giacernily wilh a clean limbcil young 
football star. 



THIRD EPISODE: True Blur. 

"Seven . . eleven!" . . The new sfailiiini, 
largest in the world, echoed with cheers from ninety 
thousand throats. Aluminum D'Arcy knew that he 
must make the touch down 1 lie must ! for the honor 
of the old school ! . . . 

He opened his eyes I Where was he? . . He 
looked up into the face of the girl with the jiink 
organdy dress! . . . 

''Don't talk now, Ainniinum," she said. . . . 
"You won the game! And that's all that matters!" 

. . . For the tirst time he realized that his 
neck was broken. Hnt it didn't matter! lie li,id 
won the game! 

FOURTH EPISODE: The WorsI Man. 

Tlie two had been engaged for four years, and it 
was, i)erhaps, the thought that their hapiiy ccdlege 
days were drawing to a close, which niiide quite dif- 
ferent the-never-to-be-forgotten evening. They sat 
in the porch swing of tlie Y. W. C. A., carried away 
by the exotic breath of spring. Suddenly he grasijed 
her hand. . . . Her eyes filled with tears. . . 

"Y((U — y(iir\c si)oiled everything! Tilings will 
ne\('i- be so nice again." 

The do(M- closed. . . . She was gone. . . . 

That night he was tarred and feathered by the 
local chaiiter of the Kii Klux Klan. 

I'IFTII 1:PIS0I)E: lirl irrrn Cri/slal Lakr and tlir 
lionryard. 
"Oogy, woogy, woggle, woo!" gingled F,ni Tan 
Ling, a young (Miiiie.se student, as he enthusiastically 
]ilied ills iron. I He was working his way llirougli 
school.!) lie had just i-eceived an invitation to 
Cliiistmas dinner al a ciiltiircil Aineiiean liomc 



(7) 



SIREN 



Round and Round (Continued) 



'I'liMl ni.ulil, as he cnjiivrcl llir snin|>l iKiiis liusjii- 
tiililv, lie IVIl sad lliiiikiiii; (iT liis less r(ii-|iiiiatc 
lirullicrs hark in Cliiua. Ilr clidkcd and cried in a 
Voice Iran^ilil w il li ciiiiil inn : 

"Acii, ( 'liinccinan slaycc in /.is heap liiji ^!ii|-i(ins 
landcc. . Minns, nn' liccinna da linn<li('d iicr ci'nl 
Anicricanip," 

Weepinj; willi l lianUfnincss ^nil jial lidl ism. llic 
liost wnin^ I'a n 'Pan's liainl. "My \ut\." he said. "1 
shall take von lo mv ioili^c loniorrow." 

SIXTH i:i'lS()|)i:: ,l I'lrasKmhh- i: iniin/rniriil . 
(InnidiiKi l.drkiiis imd lln hitli/. 

yi-.wy i.arkins was a hivcly llowcr of Ihc Old 
Son 111. hi short, she was a sweet old-fasliioued girl. 
She lo\ingly looked aliont at the faces of her sisters 
ill Frieiidshii) House. She thought how charinins; 
Lila looked, of Huweii.rs modesty, of the industry of 
her own dear rooniinale. . The telephone rang. 

. . . .Mary listened lo the resonant, niascnline 
voice and replied gent ly : 

"No, ClKnincy, I cannot! Much as I would like 
to enjoy I lie .hiiiior rrom. I h.ave promised to read 

the news|ia|ier lonighl to (irandina Larkins, who 
is ill." 

Lila atfeetionatel}' euihraced Mary. "I think you 
are just too good and unsellisli for words;'' she 
cried. "The greatest service the University lias done 
nie is to hriiig ine in contact with a girl like you." 



SION'ENTII lOIMSOKlO: // Isii'l Ilir Pin That Mahcx 
Ihc Mini. 

I;al''ayet !<• Andrews slo<id nl the station, siir- 
i-iMiiided liy ;i \,-isl Huong of a<l iiii I'i iig, cheering 
liiends. lie had giadiialeil iIkiI arteriioon and had 
lieeii taken lo I lie sl.ilion in the costly limousine of 
a (ireek letter iiiaii. lie was going to Knro])(r with 
one 111' I lie Means as the heaii's guest for a suin- 
iiier's onl ing in the Alps, 

And now you ask, dear reader, why LaFayette 
had met with such matchless good fortune? A frag- 
ment (d' his coiiversatioii will rexcal his stering char- 
acter. 

"Boys," he said, slowly waving a large pennant, 
"I am not a fraternity man, as you know. But we 
cannot all wear the (ireek pin." 

"We meant to ask yoti, LaFayette,'' said the pres- 
ident of the largest national fraternity on the cam- 
pus, "But — somehow — '' His voice broke. He could 
not finish. 

"The fraternity is a splendid institution," inter- 
jected LaFayette, hundily, "hut perhaps I was not 
woi'thy." 

As he stepped on the train the fraternity men 
gave him a rousing cheer. . . . The beloved scene was 
vanishing. Four years of it! — deep, true friendships! 
— ceaseless endeavor! — this summer the Alps! — next 
fall, his $18,000 position in New York— 

"Goodbye, Alma Mater," he whispered regret- 
liilly. The train bore him out into the night. 
(The End) 



The Oblate Spheroid 




Please Remit 

A lady who owned a big still. 

Used to go with a fellow named Will, 

When the olficers came 

She was gone, just the same 

A big sign read, "Please send me my Bill." 

ror A. CO WE. 



The Wreck of the Resolution 

S|)iiits of twenty-three 
"Why are you haunting me'? 
A\'liy do you follow me all through the night 
"Why sliould you trail my feet'? 
The oblate sjiheroid; fat, flattened at tlie ]i(des Why make onr jialhways meet? 
and bulged in the eipiiitoiial ]iortioiis. — <J.K. 1 am exhansledl I'll try yon tonight! 

(8) 



SIREN 



Famous Gatherings 




.■l(/(/ lh<)( till' triirrliiii/ KdhsiiiKii .sr///.v In ilir fiiriiicr's diiiii/litir' 



How Very Frank! 



On Being Social 



Luis and her Iiuslmiid, like Hamlet, .seem to see Amoiij; the minor ainiovances of tlie leariie(l and 

tliinj;s. But i-eally, the cemetery is such a dead lah(irii)iis lilc we niij;hl place the i»'tty vice of soeia- 

phice! And if we are all like that thauk God that Mlity. 

'dead meu tell no tales. Having taken a course in We might deplore the vast amount of time frit- 

p.sychology under Coleman R. it is beginning to tei'ed away over the coffee cups at our campus coffee 

dawn upon us just what "social monuments" are. houses. 

We l)elieve that this episode should have been cap- To he sure one can pass this wasted time in the 



tioiied "the call of the wild." 



-S- 



-(iariiovles, Jr. 



Howcum poker is bad for yonr health? 
What makes you ask? 

Well, yon'i-c always ci-ahliiiii; about soniethin 
being wrong with your system. 

U.S. 

s 



AVillie — "1 wish I had a million." 
Tillie — "If you don't stop scratcliing i'll believe let's have a cup of colVee 
you have."— Oc#o/>i<s. 

(9) 



company of most charming and genial souls. He can 
hear wise and witty conversations. He can — too 
often — drown his scholastic cares in a radiant mug 
of ja\a. And most of all, he can loaf with that splen- 
did ease and r;idiaiit grace so insepaiabic from your 
(rue collegian. 

Thus it is that we stray loo seblum into the 
realms of boresonie d.ita. Au<l by not straying there- 
in we gain nuich wit ami little learning — all of 
which is deplorable. 

We are tempted to iniirnini- with Hiawatha "Esa I 
Esa shame on vou." iSut in the mean time . . . come 



T.N. 



SIREN 



The Dirty Window w.l.n.u-Iun. TI...v won- a l,.-,,.py l.,,, I,.,n,.st r.-nnil,-: 

-' tliey lived III the suh-basciiK-nt nl ilic tallcsl tnwcr <iii 

l!v lliiia;!:! I", ('hmuiali, tlie island. They had an nil .sli)\<>, six walls, three 

cDicnnir cidcx tooth bnishos, a ccilin}; a sjiare lire, an ink erasci-, 

and a lloor in the drawin;; rdoni ; Ihey Incil m an 

•■(). Siiiilci! .\sh trays!" cni-sed \ai-nish .leanini; liDncsl-lo-fioodlU'ss one nmni ajiai-t nient , 

liacU in his Inxni-ionsly ('(piipiied Morris chair. Tlie lady was \-ei-y nj;ly and hail im admirers. 

"W'lndd I were married." llo\ve\ci-, she was a sweet litlli' Monde and chewed 

.Now .\<li-ian was an chrliicdl riii/'ni<ir (if any- ^nin; so she knew that the dawn ol' a new soul-day 

one knows what ///'// are ton of the class of ''2'.'> at was al liainl. 

I rhiniii. 'rhei-elore. he was (ilmrr .\XV lyrical on(- rDicr\nc- i acx 
break. "Art— to (|note his ricirs on the mailer — 

"should n.ean s.nnethin^:" ''''"■ '•=''' '■""''"I '''"'l''^^^l.v s.mlhwanl tlir.ai^h the 

Adrian came Iron, a beautiful liltl<. hand.d, in Ji^theriiif-- dawn. The driver was one of those fear- 

the .\orth-western corner ,.f 111 is, where robins '''^^ troolodites who have succumbed to the disad- 

sang to cat-birds from Ihe rims of the li.lless and vauta,i;vs of niarriaj;e. He c.nld steer with his left 

rnstle.ss garbage cans at the rear .d' each pastoral 1'^;'"' ='"'1 ''" "^''•'•' thinj^s, -such as play pinocLle,- 

backvard. A certain Chicdi/ofollK-Coast railroad ^'^^^ ^'^ '■'^''^■ 

had 'had the ill-fortune to h.y its tracks through ^"^t ^t this time they all f.dt som.-thing hard to 

A.lrian-s town. Its tniius pulled into the village <1''>^«-ilH>. Some nut had left the Michigan H..nlevar.l 

putiing,— an.l with resignedly lugubrious expres- ^>'-^'^S^ "P*'" 'i"<^l ^1^« <^"1^ ^^'"^ f''Jl'"« • • l""""J ■ ■ ■ 

sioiis; they left with a joy that surpassed all uiiiler- ^'allinu .... 
standing 'til oue noticed thai Ihe (Irpot was planted 

on the crest of a sli.-irp incline, (\mfucius said. • ■ ■ • •^■/"''■^■'''•■^- /"■"'''. '"' "' /'"•^■' "-■'"■!• ""'■' '/"''' '■•--■ 

when he saw it^-lVrhajis that explains it!!" " '''"P "f thirtij-jour feci jrum iipprr parrmr„l l<, 

moiniurc. But, as it imnj iml Ikuc hccii the rain if 

EPISODE SECOND season, perhaps they fell someirhdl fiu-tlur .... 

The pom lay on the soup coloured ])illo^v ; the 

lady lay on the chaise-longue. The i)oin did nothing; EPISODE IMPORTANT 

neither did the lady : she was absorbed in Sandbergs J»«t as the cab was passing the seventh manhole 

Smoke and Steel. The pom was an awfully dumb north of the river, the lady in the case grabbe<l 

brute; ihe la<ly had bla<k hair. Adrian Varnish, who had become a li.irber by that 

It rained (juite hard oulsi<le. The sidewalks time, in a hickory nut crushing grip ... . 

were clammy with spring worms. The dog catchers "Kiss //(c, Plugged Oent '." she btdlowed in his ear. 

drove past, lo(»king for dogs to catch. The very soul '•]\'(iif a miinile," Adrian reiilied. "/ Ion i/oii." 

of cosmos seemed to turn over for another snooze. "ll'<7/, (•(/;('/ (/"" ''" '' (tiniiraii '" impiired the 

The lady's father was Cajitain of the IMiik lOar- lady, with o\erwlieIniing iidiccle. 

mntf Trusi ; her molher was a lady who |iut sail on Sjdash, went the call . . . 



Koiiieo's lo\c was of high amperage bill low po- A bridge over San Francisco Bay will cost 

leiitial. Don Inairs was of low am])erage but high $(),.")0(),()0t) being almost as expensive as auctiini 
potential .... anil freiiuencv. bridge. 



-S- 



S 

I'lato may not ha\-e imcnled I'lalonic loxc, hut 
at least he lent it an air of ilisi iuci ion. 

S riiicago has a deaf and dumb college. Tjoiig may 

, . tliev sli.ive! 
Lei them say what Ihey will, a jietting party is 

too nai\e to lie immoral. Not to have loved may or 

not be a loss. Not to lia\e been loved connotes a All Khetoric (i students are in a class by tliem- 

lack of conformilv to Ihe social amenities. selves. 



(10) 



SIREN 



The Unearned Increment 





Sheik: By the way, do you pet? 
Sheba : How bold ! Dou't you receive a lot of 
rebuke by being so abrupt? 

Sheik: Yes, and I get a lot of petting, too. 



Morality 



She eliided me for saying 

I could see nothing 

IJc'iiiliful in 

l\;ib('Iais. insisting 

Tliat she fiillowed a doctrine 

Of "All Icii- Art's sake," 

1 11 JMcrything and 

'I'hiil I had a prurient 

.Miiiil. 

Lasi iiighl 1 saw lier 

In ("ryslal Lake 

Park with 

Art. 

And liieii I iinderslood 

Her. 



Mean! 

"After you, my dear Hcrtraiid! 

"Precede me, my good AdolphusI 

"Never ! Go ! I beseech you ! 

So the good Adol]ihus went tii'st, but the sly 
fellow fooled Rertrand, lie did, liy buying only one 
ticket. 

—a. R. 



Third Down 



-S. (>. s. 



Tiie cojtper yeih'd to a man in a i)ool, 
"Hey, you can't swim in there." 
"I know it. Sir," the othei- cried, 
-That's why 1 light for air." 

POP A. COWE. 



(11) 



SIREN 




(12) 



SIREN 



Fingers and Sealing-Wax 

^l MoiDxli/ oil l>(iinis(iii-Aii 

Delicate fiiij;ers have I seen 
Like chiseled marble in ])ei'fect line; 
(Jracefnl their movement, sure, serene, 
On ivorv icevs or in art's design. 



JIarveh'd I lia\e ami jiloried, foi- 
I love tiieir swiftness or beauty lax; 
But Vera's fingers delight me more 
\\'hen she docs dnhldc in sealing-wax ! 

\'era lias lingers plump and round. 
That l)reathe of the pinl^ in blossom time; 
Trained they are not by ruling sound, 
But Iier own teaching in its prime. 

Here is a flower in sliadc i)astelle 

She wrought from wax sticivs and glowing flame. 

Twisted and heated, till it fell 

Into tlic sliajjc living buds attain. 

Bracelets and pendants she can contrive. 
With ])lans and fancies carefully wi'onght, 
Jloulding and shaping into life 
The flowers and roses of sweet dreani-thoughts. 

Tlicn have 1 wondeicd if she be 
Elaine of did, who wove knightly acts. 
Dreams of hopes in1o tapestry — 
Exce])t \'era uses sealing-wax I 

Delicate fingers oft I see, 
Faidtlessly chiseled with beauty lax; 
Still never the charm do they hold for me 
As Vei-a's fingers and sealing-wax. 

— Margaret Kabe '1'."). 



-S- 



Of Kaginore 



Cats ai-e after all mei'clv tale bearers. 



\obodv loves a fat man? Wiiat of Santa ("laus'. 



Nineteen is the real stone age. 

— S 



Kaginore had come into a peculiar mental situa- 
tion. For him there were no more emotional sensa- 
tions — no delights, no sorrows, no repugnances, no 
api)reciations. His best friend had said he "made 
him tired." Kaginore had looked at him with mildly 
scrutinizing eyes ami gone away. Kaginor(>"s 
mother had worked a day in the laundry and sent 
him three dollars. Ordinarily this would have 
stirred him. Today it did not. He counted the 
money stolidly and [lut it in his pocket. He had 
intended to read a book that evening which he had 
been \evy eager about the day before. It was nine 
o'clock at night and he had not started it. 

He realized the strangeness of his ])redicament — 
its abnormality. His mind functioned rapidly and 
clearly enough, but he had lost mental color. He 
tVIt strangely like one looking through a knothole 
of an imaginary fence into a vacuum. 

It was from too close analization of the world — 
tli.il was the trouble. Also, it was unsafe to be this 
way. It endangered his mental equilibrium. Some- 
how, in some manner he must awaken some emotion 
that w(Uild startle him out of his apathy. 

He tried music, art, poetry, the best humorous 
jnagazines. Unavailing. As a last resort he went 
to a friend who never failed to flatter him. She was 
unusually i>lt'asant — she tried her best. He did not 
even smile. 

On the way home he passed a bakery. Inside on 
Ihec ounter stood a jian of cream ])nlVs lo|iped willi 
precise frescoes of smooth \vliip]ied ci-eani. In a 
moment Kaginore was inside, buying one. 

"I believe I'll take two," he said, beaming at the 
proprietor. "I was always so fond of cream i>ulls." 

"While he ate, he mused. Suddenly he laughed. 
"I remember now. I forgot to eat any breakfast I" 
For you see, Kaginore was a meie man. 




^^'e really ought to live two hundred years. \Ve 
are sti'onger at the beginning of the second Inmdreil 
than at the beginning of the first. 



Go u/esV, yooM& f>oftN , G.0 ujEsVl 



(13) 



SIREN 





BYT&D CARP&fN)T&R^ 




Tlicrc was <iiicc :in old miller wliii liail llircc sons, 
all l)ovs. The oiil iiuiii hail lil in the war hut hccainc 
so old waitinjj' for the lioniis that he realized that 
Ills time to fade out of the |)i(lMr(' was at hand. So 
5ie called his three sons to his hedside an<l divided 
his estate thnslv : 

"My sons, yer old man's pins are uivinji in. To 
the eldest 1 leave my liou.se and farm. The seeoiid 
shall have the horses and cows along with their appe- 
tites. And you, my youngest son shall have the 
liouse cat. I'm sorry there is uo more." 

"So am 1," agreed the youngest whose name was 
.lames most of the time. 

.lames was too dund) to contest the will. Instead 
he took the cat and — you're right, he left. 

While he was packing his bag preparing to leave 
he was astonished to hear the cat speak — astonished 
because he hadn't had a single driidc since that 
memorable day in .Inly. 

"Listen Jim," said the cat familiarly calling his 
young master by his front handle although it was 
tlie first time he had spoken to him, "You stick close 
to me and I'll make your fortune. Dig up some 
dough, now, and get me a deck of dick and a pair of 
loaded cards. (Note: According to* all previous 
translations Puss was supposed to ask for boots but 
this has been i)roved erronious.) 

Accordingly Tames forged a certificate of title to 
half of his brother's cattle and sold it, the certificate 
not the cow. A\'itli the proceeds be bought the afore- 
mentioned articles. 

The ne.vt day the cat went to the Royal Palace 
to call on the King. The King was in the counting 
house, — no, that's another story. The King was 
l)laying rubber k\' s(ditaire and and not getting any- 
where with it. 

"Do you know how li 
King?" asked the cat. 

"No," said his Majesty 
grand yon cawn'l (each me. X< 
able to teach me anything yet." 

The cat selected three cards — a court card, and 
two nundter cards. He held Iheui up before his 



play 



Threecaril .Monti 



And I'll bet yon three 
has ever be<'n 



Majesty. I'ause. Then lie put I hem down. I also 
with paws.) 

"Now, King, old sport, I'll betcha eight of my 
nine lives against your palace that when 1 lay the 
])astboards down, you can't stick your lunch hooks 
on the ])icture card." Naturally this bird thought 
the cat was a poor fish and took the bet. 

Puss laid the cards down and the King picked 
up the trey of hearts. 

"Gimme a chance to win my steak back," yelped 
the king, hungry for revenge. 

"(). K. King. This time I'll bet you a half inter- 
est in the palace against your crown that you can't 
l>ick out the Jack.'" 

"Done," cried the King. 

"You are," commented Puss spreading out the 
cards. 

The King picked up the seven of clubs. 

"Let's try the grief cubes awhile,'' suggested the 
King, ho]dng to win back his nobby headgear. "What 
are you betting'.'" 

"The crown against the Royal Treasury," shouted 
I'uss and out slid the twins. 

"Have you a little fairy in your home?" asked 
the King as five and two hopped up. 

"I leave her lay, King, — got anything left?" 

"Nothing but a bunch of titles. I'll lay you a 
membership in the Amalgamated and Benevolent 
order of the Garter for the support of Kings," re- 
sponded his Majesty wearily. 

"Si.x and one, five and two, four ami three, atten- 
tion!" yelped the cat. "Sir, the battalion is de- 
foi-med." 

"Haven't those dice anything b\it seven on 
them?" asked the King nustrustfully. 

"I've never seen anything else flop up," answered 
I'uss truthfully. "Sorry 1 didn't bring my top 
along. What's the stakes?" 

"I have nothing left but remorse and a daugh- 
ter." 

"That's two remorses. King, but I'll tell you 
what. On the next shake if you lose, your daughter 
marries my master .Jimmy, Marquis of Carabas. 



( 14 ) 



SIREN 



Jim's a good scout and he'll let you liaug around the 
shack in your slipper's. If you win I'll give you 
hack your stetson and you can soak it for enough to 
start life again.'' 

"All right," said the King, joyfully, for he was 
glad of a chance to marry tli(^ girl off to s(uneone. 
She was a pretty dame, but the prettier a daughter 
is the more they get under your hide sometimes. 

The King was so eager that when Kitty tossed the 
c>d)es he yelled "Hop up seven !'' 

Tlie eat won. So did the King, in a way. The 
next day Jim married the princess and everything 
was duck sou]i and toast crund)s. 

Ami they say that curiosity killed the cat. 



Tense Moment No 19283 




Kudolph, sheik supreme and erstwhile student, 
has declared time out to call his Boolah (of the slioit 
factory) and cheer her yearning heart witli a little 
snapjiy collegiate conversation. 

,S 



History's Outline Sans Parody 



Attraction 
Syncopation 
Osculation 
i>roh,'iti(Mi 



Wot A Mess 

Hali.y B. Po.meroy 

I'hysiological and psychological in(|uiry oT late 
years has led certain scientists to contend that the 
sensations excited through the olfactory nerves are 
longest retained in mind, and further that incidents 
connected with a detinite reaction of the said nerves 
are the incidents or facts longest remembered. 

Being of an inventive rather than scientitic turn 
of mind an idea at once so sensuous and practical 
appealed to me. One might, for instance, connect in 
one's mind, merely for the purpose of remembering 
it, the rhyme scheme of a Petrarchan sonnet with 
fi'ied cabbage, or the square root of two with pea- 
nuts, or any of a number of obvious smells. To he 
sure . . . fascinating . . . until . . . 

"Possible, possible," replied the cynic in answer 
to my mental hyperliolae and ])arabolae, •hut what 
if the exam was in the chem l)uildiug".' . . ." 
,S 

No matter how bad a i)oet is, his stulV is alw.iys 
verse. 

S 

No gii'l is as |)retty as she's painted I 

S 




How went the exams today? 

Fine. They forgot to read the foot not ei 



-Twins 



AVe have a Brunswick a I the house. 
Izzat so'/ Whv don't \on ever drive it 



(15) 




Ji. l'\ Tki(;(;s, lUlitor 

j;.\cli;ni<j;e Editor, Jxandall Dippell. 

Conti-ilmtiug Editor, Francis Coiijililiii. 

Editorial stall: Don Allen, Helen Kreluii. Donald 
Lafuze, Allan D. I'arsons. Sam Sliapiro, I'xil) Sea- 
man, Elles Kriecklians. 

Editorial Contributors: Dorothy Dunsing, Flo- 
rence Ballinger, Hally Ponieroy, (Jeorge Rosenberg. 



W. B. Curtis 

D. P. MlLLKR 

BufCE Cowan 

K. (i. Cuorcir 



Ans't. Business Munarjcv 

Circulation Manager 

Advertising Manager 

Farcign Adrerlising 



B. J. Wekkr, Acting Huximas Minidgcr 

Art Editor, Kohert F. (! la II, 

.1// t^laff—Ted Carpenlci-, .lolm ('ouijlilin. Dun 
I'routv. B. Shrvock, J. W. Atkinson. 



Cont ri b u t ing A rt ist.s 
elliurst, Flo SpecLt. 



•|*nd" I'nderer, Jack Haz- 



Business Stajf Assistants — H. C. Goodpasture, 
J. W. Rayney, E. E. Braznell, Rob't. Bnehler, Edna 
Brown, .lames Klees, K. X. Carroll, \{. L. Scliock. 



PulilisliPd monthly by the Illini Publishing Company. University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as sec- 
ond-class matter at the postoftice at Urbana, Illinois, by Act of Congress, March 3, 1S97. Office of publication, Illini 
Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.50 the year local, .$1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 113 Uni- 
versity Hall, Urbana. 



About The Siren 

The SIKEN is not now, never was, and 1 hope 
never will be a dosed corporation. In view of the late 
niipleasantness it seems meet that these things 
slionld be made clear. The campns »( the Tniver- 
sity of Illinois has ever been a shoal upon which 
journalistic ventures have come perilously near de- 
struction. Since their editorial support depends en- 
tirely upon the sttulents there is bonnd to he a time 
of plenty and a time of dearth. A\hen there is a 
(lea 1-1 li there is a couconimitant lack of enthusiasm 
(111 I he part of students which reflects disastnnisly 
upon llic linaucial position of the magazine. I d(i 
mil iliink the Illinois Magazine surt'ered fruni deaitli 
of material. It was rather that the students do not 
want anything smacking of e.xtra-currictdum cul- 
ture. But tlae position of the SI HEX this year has 
been one in which dearth of good Innnorous material 



has played a devastating ]iart: and the cousecjuent 
failing of tiiiancial support has added to the difficul- 
ties of the art department of the magazine. Criti- 
cism in a case like the present one is of no avail; if 
there must be criticism it should be of those who 
nnght help and who d(i not. It has been inferi'ed 
that a closely amalganiate(l eli(|ue or coterie of 
sophists runs the SIRION to its own particidar en- 
joyment. This is not true. The editorial columns 
of the SIREN have ever been open to those who can 
best till them. Those who cry loudest about the pre- 
dicament of the magazine are those who will do 
least for the alleviation of the ditficnlty. It has 
always been so; yet the editor has hopes that there 
is extant on the canqjus undiscovered ability in the 
writing of humorous material and herewith appeals 
to that immediately in-ecious element for con- 
tiihutions. 



(16) 



SIREN 



Abont Millicent 

Various and diverse are tlie attitudes suggested 
for tlie efi'ective auiiiliilation of the anti-iuale and 
])iedati\e Millicent Turner ''2:\. To come out in 
open diatribe against her, say some, is to leave room 
for the hearty laughs of onlookers who see an ad- 
nnssion of weakness in the attack. Yet to remain 
silent, say many, is irksome. The most satisfying 
conduct in the matter is of course not to read the 
"Meows"; if cotfee makes yon wakeful at night, the 
best thing to do is to refrain from drinking it. On 
the whole, Millicent is aggravating hut harmless. 

S . 



On Dormitories 

Why is it necessary that in order to obtain an 
education at the University of Illinois, a great host 
of students must sacrifice utterly all the comfoit 
and convenience of a comfortable and homelike en- 
vironment by living iu the average rooming house 
near this campus? It is an insult to one's sense of 
decent living conditions to be forced into living 
(piarters chai-acteristic of most of the campus room- 
ing houses. Yet the University expends more money 
each year for the provision of better quarters for 
women students. That is commendable in the high- 
est degree, yet is it possible that men have less of a 
sense of the aesthetic than women? In fact, the 
aesthetic hardly enters in ; it is actually a question 
of sanitation and health. Do men care less for the 
litness of their surroundings than women? Feihaps 
so, yet even the most careless man, if he let himself 
realize the condition of most rooming houses on the 
cam])us suffers nau.sea and revulsion at the dirty, 
inadequate, unhealthful and meagerly furnished 
(piarteis provided. Now is the time for university 
wormitories for men. And until better quarters are 
provided, students will continue to pay but little 
heed to the purposes for which the l^niversity of 
Illinois is provided. When a student's environment 
is clean and in order, his mental reaction will be 
likewise. The University has as heavy a charge in 
providing re.spectable living (piarters for students 
as it has for ])roviding a new library, -and Heaven 
knows we need that badly enough. 



On Operas 

The University of Michigan .s](ends more than 
.'«!l'().()()() a year on its student opera, and sends it on 
trij)s which include from twenty to twenty-five en- 
gagements. The University believes in the opera as 
an a.sset and not a liability — an educational and pub- 
licity force rather than an insidious institution 
which undernunes the good name of the university 
with a gala.xy of immoralities. It is interesting to 
compare the attitude of the officials of the Univer- 
sity of Michigan with that of the officials of the 
l^niversity of Illinois. The opera at Illinois has 
always been a disturbance in the moral conscious- 
ness of the authorities. It seems that moral stan- 
dards Imve geographic significance. 



In Spring Etc — 

A young man's fancy does not turn to love in 
'the Spring. It is more usually turned for him. The 
male is a most bungling fellow iu affairs of the 
heart, and were it not for the tender and refining 
influence of womankind he would probably go blun- 
dering off' to waste his affection on pipes, mechani- 
cal contrivances, golf, checkers or some other divert- 
ing puzzles. Instead she turns his attention (o that 
greatest of all puzzles, herself. 

S 



On Posture 

"Better Postures" begin to assume the charac- 
teristics of "A Perpetual Smile and an Automatic 
Hello." Not satisfied with loading' the student 
seeking an education with non-essential subjects 
whicli serve but to discourage him, not content with 
])lacing everything possible in the path of the stu- 
dent to remind him that he will go to hell if he 
doesn't be good, the authorities come now with in- 
structions on how to carry one's body. As long as 
they confine their attention to the ideals, intellects 
and aspirations of our unintelligent majority we 
shall be the last to object. But when it comes to 
in.structing co-eds how to ajtpear charming through 
emulation of a ram-rod . . . well, we can only emit a 
discreet titter. 




(17) 



SIREN 



The Tale of A Nail 

In the Neolithic Age, lived a siii<;er mid a sajic; 

And oflcii he woi'c ('olia;;(' U>v cldllies. 

I'>nl llic Ikti) of my laic displayrd claw, iiislcad iiT 

iia il 
Al llic very fartlicsl end (iT his toes. 

But like oilier loolisii )mii'Is, he lo\-eil and yon iiiiisl 

know il, 
An aniiurn headed maiden willi deviitioii. 
When lie asked her. "XO!" she said, "Xol nnlil upon 

Ihis head, 
Hlooiiis a Mower I'roin Ihc liolloin ol' ihe accan:" 

In his heai-t, love laniiec! llic liaiiic; lo the ocean's 

edge he came: 
And he dived and went lull many lea;;ncs lielo<\-. 
And he stayed there several honi-s. ]iicl<int; red and 

yellow flowers; 
Look I — a yiant oyster has him by Ihe toe. 

fpor<-c\ 

t*?|lcV( Then he tonjihl. The clan assemhlinj;, and the 

maiden all atremldinji 
Watched the struggle with the bivalve, from above. 
Then one mighty elt'ort clears him, and llic clan 
above him, cheers him ; 
Zoo Prof, at Titc WadV: Ilm: Mnst be a I'ly- _^^ |,^, j.,^.^ ^1,^. flowers down with sighs of love, 
moiiili Uock. 

Well, they lived a life of plenly. and ihcir children 

numbered twenty; 
Of whom we are descended, you must know. 
"What is that," you say. 1 pause. Yes my licro he 

had claws; 
]?ut the oyster shell still grows upon onr toe. 

— Hon de I.,ay. 




-S- 



Mirabile Dictu. 

The Jlilleiiinni w.is iicrc 
Yestei'day. — al Icasl 1 Ihoiight 
So. 

My friend Max- 
Had traded his beloved 
Omar for (kannmajinil ) 
Huxley. 

Today my soul rests 
In contentment 
Sans Tuer. 

Max had registered in 
English I'O. 

S — 



The Seven Ages of Woman 



s.o.s. 



Should we say that a home-brewer "compounds 
a I'clony"? 

S— 

Kind (Jent — You say your father choked to dealh 
on lead ? 

Tra 111)1 — Yes, sir; he wii/. sliol al sunrise. 

y — Punch Bowl 

(18) 




Ttd- 



SIREN 




5hei/- 



Not Recorded 

Prof. Dryasdust Iiad been re;uliiif> Iiis history lec- 
tures from tlie same manuscript for the last twenty- 
five years with never a deviation or an interruption 
from the class. On the particular occasion of tliis 
tale, Horace Swingerton Scrunch, who no doulit 
later made Phi Beta Kappa, that is if they let liim 
live that long, broke out in tlie middle of the lecture 
with a question. Prof. Dryasdust, as soon as he re- 
covered from the shock, scrutinized his notes closely. 
Then, raising his eyes to the questiimed, he whisp- 
ered in an awed and nonplussed voice: "It — it 
doesn't say!" 

S • 



Psychoanalysis 



Bv Hei.kx 10. Bim:h:\i 



Conscious : 



He sang Alma JIater and warldcd at eve 

Of the cloisters and fair marble halls, 

The grassy quadrangle, the chimes in the tower. 

The old oaken seminar walls. 

The dear folks at home were impressed when lie said 

That his school was the bigest on eartli, 

That Armory there, with its columns, yes, yes. 

And lord I What the buildings were worth! 

He liked all his courses; the profs were gond sports, 

Tlie campus was lovely in May ; 

He worked to make honors and thoiigli he earned 

none. 
He'd fought a good tiglit anyway. 

Yes, Yes. 

Subconscious: 

The study of poultry, cerulean goo.se! 

And of aesthetic dancing — at College, 

And the research in tomes, and tlie tasting of fruit 

At the Library orchard of knowledge. 

I'liilosophy deep — il la Omar Khayyam, 

A study of kings, in the deck. 

The science of bones (to be shaken wiicn taken), 

-Music (be Maurie and Keck). 

Tiie strolls along Green street. Iirowsing on lilV, 

Pi-aternities, Orplieum, rah!! 

Kongc, Osky wow wow, soutJi cani]ins blues! 

Latin— Bol.iny?— Bah ! 



Hors De Combat! 

My engineer room-mate dreamed he was an in- 
fantry drill-instructor last night. He awakened 
me with his explanation to the rookies of the com- 
mand, "By the right flank, march". His exliorta- 
lion ran sometliing like this: 

"The command is given as the right triangle 
strikes the solid, advance and plant the iierpendicu- 
lar bisector, turn on the planes of both spheres, and 
step off in the new quadrant with the right func- 
tion. Keep both equations straight to infinity with- 
out changing the signs. The cosecant of the Iiyper- 
bola should be between the first and second fingers, 
and tlie forearm a iiermutation of logarithms. Tiie 
orthographic projection sliould be at an angle of 4.5 
degrees, with the biuonual thein-em in the hollow of 
tlie sh(nilih'r." — Sundown Slim. 



THE SACRIFICE 

Slie gave up mnttoii, pork and iK'cf, 

She gave ui) ades and teas; 
She gave up nulk without relief. 

She gave up beans and peas. 
She gave up fruits and spuds and jams. 

She gave up bread and toast ; 
She gave up herring, shrimp and clams. 

She 'most gave up the ghost. 
She gave up ])owder, rouge and men. 

She gave up baths and soap; 
And when sjie weiglicd hers(>If again — 

She wcjit and gave n|) hope. 



Yes, Yes. 



The snake, like an armv, travels on its stomach. 



(19) 



SIREN 




AVhafs tliis? Tlic ;niiiy ot' llic nni'iii|il( 
Xo. The K. (). T. (". in n-view. 



-S- 



The Women's Reading Room 

A\ I.MI'KESSIOX 

Institiitidii.il \v(Mi(lcn tables and institnlional 
leather chairs. lii(lesti'uctil)le riiffs and hard wood 
floors. Studious woiueii at individual desks. Para- 
sites surrounding- a horn rimmed victim murmnring 
over the semester's work, at the larger tables. Radio 
booted and jet ear-ringed iiidividnals reading "Gar- 
goyles." Weary "Town and down" types lying on 
lounges, eyes shaded, heads covered, idling over last 
night's date and resting for this evening's moonlight 
stroll, under pretense of watching work on the new 
gym. Three Illinae discuss the relative merits of 
vanishing cream and yonthglow rouge. AJl eyes 
rise as long skirted study in brown crosses the room 
1" leave. 

— Twins. 

Powder: "Ynu surely have a small aim." 

liiver: "Ves, but il gets around." 

S 



••rni culling ([uile a figure," said the chorus 
gii-l as she sal on I he broken glass. 

— (Jaboon 
S 



L.reed 

By IIki.kn I;. Ukkiim 

I ink 11(1 |)cn lo censor men. 

I laUe llicni as llicy cdnie. 

If. in surprise. ni\- eyebrows rise. 

^'on must be .uoing some. 

I like tlie sinir thai isn't rouj;ii, 

Vel lias a lillie taiiy. 

1 rclisli spice, thai ricli. but nice. 

Till' AVhiz without the Hang. 

The Mooidight Dance or Krencli roman 

The wink without the leer. 

The jokes that dare — but are not rare. 

The jest without the jeer. 

And though I wade in everglade 

Of humor, dank and low, 

I am not fussed. They may disgust. 

They shiiJ} not sliock nie, No!! 



-S- 



What's Wrong Here 




A bear was killed by an auto in the Adiroiulacks : 
the driver probably nnstook him for a i)edestrian. 



Ans: The artist forgot to i>nt in the front corner 
of the house. 



(20) 



SIREN 



Night Magic 



Says Pierrot 



Tlicrcs" a laiij; in tlif aii- Iroiii tlic iiiisi in the wind, 
Tlic sMicll of the swamp, and the liedges. 

The fiajiiant balsam sti)i-ni-.swept and thinned, 
And tiie racy taste of tlie se(l«;es. 

Aliovc in I lie jiincs w here the cricivets are sinfiing. 

\\'\\U accenteil lieals, ami li^lit : 
Are llie winj;s of the will o" wisji yan/.ily sailing 

Alone in the dark of the nii;lil. 

A thonsand lij;hts, a thonsand soiunls, 

A thousand perfumes iu the air. 
The smell of the woods, the hay of lionnds 

And the will o' wisp's liny Hare. 

KO^' 1)E LAY. 

S 



Honor It Sophis 

''Herewith, with great gusto and eoniniendatory 
zeal, I affix my cryptic signature, certifying upon 
my honor that I have neither maliciously given nor 
surreptitiously purloined aid from any of my col- 
leagues." 

—a. K. 

s 

Why Not "Shooting"? 

A jmlge, who oft tanke;l up ipiilc full, 
Useil to l>ase his decisions on ii\dl, 
Till the people grew wise — 
They his rulings despise. 

And they call the great jndge "Sitting Kidl." 

I'or A. CO WE. 



-S — 



Outrageous 



The old maid stamped her foot, an<l turning her 
hack, walked out of the hook shop. "\Vhy should I," 
she hissed, "Why should I pay two dollars for a 
hook of free verse?" 

— Twins. 
S 

No! 

A certain young nuin from K. ('. 

Used to balance the girls on his Knee, 

They say he is keen — 

Now if you are not green. 

You will know he is skinny. Von see? 

I'Ol' .V. ('OWE. 




fll'oor Pierrot views with wistftd eyes. 

Standing alone, grief smote, apart. 

The gala lighted western skies 

Whose fire he knows must scorch his heart. 

His lute is dead its song no more 

"Will summon forth Columbines snule . . . 

"IMerrot your tune's a beastly bore. 

And furthermore your voice is vile." 

So had she said and sent him out. 

And now he stands a-sorrowing. 

While she makes merry with the rout . . . 

Of course there is another thing — 

Poor Pierrot's songs are out of date 

His ditties nowdays get the razz; 

His lullabies can never rate . . . 

The new Columliine must have jazz. 

—1). C. Allen 



-S- 



Can This Be! 

"Sardonic cacchinations of choilling g;irgoyles 
sjiontaneous chnckles of .jolly and jocund ti])plers 
simpering snurks of tittering gigglers, uncoutli gnf 
faws of hee hawing clowns, laughter of Momns 
Democritus the Abderite . . . are as nothing to the 
cigar store Indian. 

— G. K. 



(21) 



SIREN 



We Approve of That Motion 




Let's sliakc. 

I second the niDtioii. 



hi lliiMiliolill Cuiiiily. (':ilir., :i iii^in killed ;i (Mta- 
nioiiiil wil h :in iii'iow . . . iniicli lo I lie siii-|)i-isi> 
i>r j.olli. 

S 



A I'ixpI niid Ills inuiicy soon ]);iy a dime for a 
iiickic cii^ar. 

S 

The liaiil (liiii<r abt)iil skating is to Iceei) doiii^^ it 
slaiidiii^ n[). 

S '■ 

Tlic size ol' a liox of candy to j^ixe a j^irl depends 
npoii Hie nnniher of hrotliei-s slie lias. 
S:^ 

Tlie ajic old struggle between Ii-eland and lOnj.;- 
land lias ended again. 

S 

A West A'irginia man of SI! lias just ridden his 
first street car, this seems lo he a long time to wait 
for a car. 

S ■ 

Skeleton of Haluchlsteriuni has been found in 
Mongolia. Kemember the name in case yoxi ever 
■ meet one. 

kS 

There should be a fortune in dyeing ("Iiristnias 
ties a different color. 

■ — S 

New York will soon have 100 indoor g(df courses. 
Golf keeps one out in the open. 



Or Prophylactic 



Wiile yon a poem dear? 
\\lLit shall it be? 
Shall il he free verse, 
(>r iliyme ryl limieally ? 
I low will y(ni have it ? 
• lust in what way? 
I'eller choose wisely — 
I >idactic. I'd sav. 



roi' A. cowE 



For Emergency 




(Jnolh the chevalier: "I otl'er I he 

A heart tliat is glad, a heart that is free 
A heart that will e"er he a joy to thee I" 
(iuoth the damsel; yawning: "Aw 11 right . . . Are you married? 

put a return address on it plea.se." j^o. 1 got this tie at a rummage sale up at the 

— G. K. house. 



(22) 



SIREN 




Willi iiiini'x jiniioHx (■(inilicx an- xuld hi; — 



TKHANA 

University Pliaraiiicy, 705 S. (Joodwin 
Uibaua I)nig To., Ill West Main St. 



CHAMPAIGN 

John Sclmler & Co. 
Arcade Confectioiierv (•). Tlioriiliill i 



SIREN 








Remarkable Vision 

Do you sell invisibk' hiiirpiii.s? 

Yes, Lady. Would you likt' to ssce tumw. 



SOME ADVANCE TIPS ON 
SUMMER CLOTHES 




Judging from the man at Palm 
Beach who tries out all the advanced 
summer styles, the articles of clothes 
illustrated above will find their way 
into every man's summer wardrobe. 
Panama hats will be worn with a 
colored hat band to match colored 
ribbon belts with flannels and short 
knickers. Striped hat bands, belts and 
ties should represent the colors of a 
club, fraternity or college. Failing 
that, they should harmonize color 



schemes. One of the most conspicu- 
ous novelties for next summer will be 
the buckskin shoe. This shoe has 
long been familiar to the English man 
and is popular with him for general 
country wear. It is entirely made of 
brown, taupe, or gray buckskin and 
has no leather trimmings. It is easy 
to keep clean, needing only soap and 
water. It is far more practical than 
a shoe of white buckskin because it 
does not show dust or stain. In 
either of the colors mentioned above 
this shoe will harmonize with almost 
any color scheme or any type of coun- 
try clothes. It is easy on the foot 
and a thoroughly practical shoe, sure 
to become popular. 

A MILD WEATHER MUFFLER 

The fleecy Shetland muffler is a ne- 
cessity for cold weather. But in mild 
weather a muffler may be very com- 
fortably worn if it is silk or cashmere, 
or some medium weight material 
which is not too warm. An overcoat 
looks best worn with a muffler and it 
is a spot of color which is always 
pleasing to the eye. A bandanna with 
a printed design in bright colors is 

(24) 




the ideal mild weather muffler. A 
muffler should always be worn softly 
folded about the neck and never, as 
we see many men wearing it, neatly 
folded in a V across the chest. A 
larged sized silk bandanna is a very 
useful article in any man's wardrobe. 
It can be worn about the neck for 
motoring in the spring; with a top 
coat in town, around the neck for 
golfiing, or in the pocket of a rough 
homespun coat in the country. Many 
smart men today collect silk ban- 
dannas as school boys collect striped 
neckties. 



,/ 




\. 




Movie directors, please copy 

IN fiction and the movies all college men natu- 
rally fall into two groups. Those who pass 
their days and nights "Rah! Rah!"-ing and 
snake-dancing; and those who never appear 
except with evening clothes — and cane. 

The man who works his way through college 
simply doesn't figure. 

Taking care of a furnace, running a laundry, 
waiting on table, tutoring, covering for a city 
paper, working in shop or office in vacation — 
all this may be lacking in romantic appeal, but 
it is an essential part of the college picture. 

And a valuable part. The whole college is 
the gainer for the earnestness of men who want 
their education that hard. 

Valuable to the college, but even more to the 
men who travel this rough going. They learn 
an important lesson in Applied Economics — 
the amount of sweat a ten dollar bill represents. 

If you are one of them you may sometimes 
feel that you are missing a good deal of worth- 
while college life. If you are not, you may be 
missing a good deal, too. 



^estem Electric Com pan- 

Since 1S69 makers and distributors of electrical equipment 
Number 2 7 of a series 



/ 



SIREN 



Safety 



l.nilcn Willi ;i trt'asiiic IruM', 

rii('.\|)iii-'i;:iti'(l cditiims oT l-tMbclais. 

MdcciU'fio and a cuiiy n\' 

"I'iUitaziiis .Mallaic" 

I caiiH' hack rium 

( 'liica^o. and 1 lea red 

To C'ontaiiiiiiatc llic ininds 

<»r fralcniilv Inoilicis 

Ky leUiiij; tlirni 

Head thciii. 

'Piicy sti'o\«' iiianl'nlly lo 

l''iiid lliriii. 

r.iil I (MilwiKcil llicni. 

I liad put Clivers 

( »n my I rcasiircs cnt illcd 

••I'.il)lc," •Tcxil U" and 

"IIdw I.I W rile a l.cllci-." 



-S- 



— s. o. s. 



"Siiii; a sunn oT cdllciic days 

Tell nic whore to go — " 

I sani; ihc song. My hidy's dad 

Tohl iiic Ihc place. All li<it. Viiu know: 



— B. S. 



THE GREEKS 

'When llie iiiiiinl line lie!) Ii.is sduiided and yiiii 
i|uickl\ wend ydur way to where the reslisc hean 
lianj^s (lut ,ind the lianibnrgci- iidlds sway. < >h, tell 
me patient suiricf, Imw does it make you feel? (hm't 
you cut down on the money that you've saved to 
liuy yoni- meal ; when yon see a greasy (Sreek beiiind 
a c<iiiiitei- tilled with pies, un each and every one of 
which are swarms ol' j;i-i'al liig flies. And when he 
<alls, "a liowlii y.up," or "one piess ciiknnt jiie," 
jilea.se tell me, don't it make you feel as if you'd 
rather die than eat the stuti' (hat he will serve upon 
a dirty plate; I'm sure a college student should have 
a better fate. I know the (Jreeks we read about 
would never act like these I though Socrates, they 
say, was very fond of fleas) If ancient Sjiarta's sol- 
diers had eaten as we do, they'd surely throw their 
hands uj) and let the Persians through. Why (ireeks 
should have it in for us, I'm sure I cannot say ; they 
make us burn the midnight oil and worry through 
the day, they strike us both through brain and 
blood, they sure have made us work and if I ever 
get a chance, I'll go and hel]) the Turk- 

Who is this goat that does "nothing else but"? 



! 

I Textbooks and Supplies for all 
i Colleges [except law) 



THE 
REAL 
CO-OP 



Owned and operated by the 
students 

.1. I!. Lindley, Shnli iil M(/r. 

.Malliews <V iioneyard 

I 'rlian.i 



Vaughn & Richmond 

Shop for Men 



The Store of Personal 
Service 



! 

I KIAl/ro TIIKATHK BL1)(J. 



i6 ) 



SIREN 



+ — .._„_„_._„_™_„_„,_„_™_„ — ^ 

Special 

Candies for 

Easter 



B 



IDWELL'S 
ETTER 
CANDIES 




I Watch & Jewelry 
I Repairing 



IN 



The Co-op 



Engraving 



Made Fresh Daily 



A. G. Kirmse 



I I Iiigersoll Watches 

1 I 

I I 

•>+ 4.._«,.— ,.— .„_„„_„._„„_„._„„_„_.„_„._.4. 



(}. N. liacun 



Win. Saiidwcll 



G. N. Bacon & Co. 

Wall Paper and Paints 

107 lOil \. \\'alimt St. ( "liaiii|iaij;n, III. 

(Jartield I'lioiic 1 i:;S 

D D 



All Kinds (if Window and Anl(»niol(ile (ilasi- 

Benjamin Moore & ('o."s Line of I'ui-e Paints 

and Colors, Muresco, SaniFlat, Etc. 

DECOKATIX*} 



Varnishes and Paints for 
Every Purpose 



Public Sales 



.,+ ^ — 

(27 J 



We have purchased 122,000 pair U. S. 
Army Munson last shoes, sizes 51/4 to 12 
wliich was the entire surplus stock of one 
of the largest U. S. Government shoe con- 
tractors. 

This shoe is guaranteed one hundred pei' 
cent solid leather, color dark tan, hellows 
tongue, dirt and waterproof. The actual 
value of this shoe is fO.OO. Owing to this 
tremendous buy we can otfer same to the 
inihlic at 12.95. 

Send correct size. Pay postman on de- 
livery or send money order. If shoes are not 
as represented we will cheerfully refund 
your monej' promptly niion ve(|ni'sl. 

National Bay State Shoe Co. 

2!m; Hroadway. New York, N. V. 



SIREN 






The Miller -Wohl Co. 



Stores for Women 



PAKK & NEIL STS. 

Momentum Surfeit! 

1 1 took rum- \c:ils lor llic (ii lllilkc 

My lady cimiic to inc : 

A thousand lour liiindi-cd and sixty-one 

Xi<;lils i>( (-(dd l.'lliar.uy— 

l!n1 iKiw I'm' won licr oxer slio 

Sliiiws nini'li alaci-ily. 

]'ni tryhm now to slow lici- down 

Slic's ^rown tdo fast foi' nu>. 

— I'op A Cowe. 



CHAMrAiaN, ILL. 



January Obligate 

(III HKircli Hull] 
By Georoe Rosexrerg 

{ Ini nidiii-l ion ) . . . Scrnncli . . . Sci-nncli . . 
Scrunch! Sciamchl . . . Scrnnch . . . Scruncli . . 
'{con spirifo) . . .Slush . . . SInsli . . . SInsliI SInsli 
Slush! . . . Slush . . . Slnsh . . . (rnsciii(lo\ . . . Sli|i 
"Whoa feet!" Splash! . . . (pidiiiy.siiiio) . . . ••t)\\ 
well, 'nother pair at homo." 



Thirst, like love of sports, knows no season 
Drink 




Delicious 
and 



K;^^ Refreshing 




The Coca-Cola Co., Atlanta, Ga. 



(28) 



SIREN 



H gggjg 



Single Copies of The Siren are 
always on sale at the following 
places: 



/ nin'ruUji lUslricI : 

r. Ill' I. Supply Store (Co-op) 
(iifeii Street Plinrinney 
Engineer's Co-oj) 

Cnixcrsity Pliiirniacy — (ioodwin Ave. 
Idol Inn 

CIkuii iKi'niii : 

luni:in Hole] cV: Krnji Store 
.Mdllcll :in.l Woller 
SwannelTs Drng Slore 

( rhdiia : 

.loe'is Place 

Leslie's Mnsie Store 



Good Enough! 



(ia/.e at the ice on onr deal' Crystal Lake — 
Coated with snow; frozen onto a cake — 
Looks very chilly: take it fioni me, 
1 Iciiow it's chilly: soon yon'll ajicee. 

1 knew a lady nice to the eye — 

Slie nnicli iqisct me. I (ho\i<ilit I'd diel 

1 took her out there — summertime t.io: 

Goodness 'twas chilly; my cheek's still hine. 

—Pop A. ('owe 



-S- 



Revenge 



Two years aj;(( I 

Marched in the ranks 

On Parade 

And hated every 

Upjierclassman \\lio lined 

The curl) enjoyini; my 

Discomfit nre. 

This afteriH.on I 

Made :],000 

Enemies. 



S.O.S. 
(29) 





This one 

extra 
process 

dives a 
delightful 
quality that 
cannot be 
duplicated 



Guaran 




llliii: 



^^ 



iliiiiiiiiiM 



SIREN 






Gilliland Cafeteria 

Waffles 

Country Sausage, Butter, Syrup and Coffee 

25c 

^lOHXINd EVKXIXCJ 









Poetic Growth 



I sing of yotitli and joy and love, tUc imciiis ul' the 
strong. 

W'Ik'ii I was \viiliii<; iioctrv ([iiitc early in my Iceus And when I reacli the blissful ago, the years of 

My verse was fnll of dire distress and most ninety-two, 

disheartening scenes. I'll dance and fi-olic with the rest in niaiinei-s really 

I cheerfully cliortlecl of I lie day wlien deatli wonid new. 

take lis all. Some i)oet in some hidden place will watch me 

.Viid CMMV couplet rang a knell, each stanza wore snnrk and stmt, 

a jiall. And innrnmr to his youthful self, "The old boy's 

IJnt bills and worry, life and fret have made me olf his nut.'' 

turn about — — D. C. A. 

1 lilt of health and li.iiipiness, say nothing can go . 

wrong. 






Spring Styles 



1 I 
I I 



Jliisch W'ickwire 

.■ind (ioodman Suss 
Suits 




I I 
1 I 

New Shop ! I 



I I 

I I 



I I 



Uoblis Hats and Caps 1 I 



I I 

I I 

! I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

I I 



Metzler & Schaf er Co. 

Wholesale & Retail 

D D 

Best I'j(|ni|(p('d Retail Store 
J^argest Assoituient 

D D 



i 1 



I Special Prices to Sororities and 
I Fraternities 



11 



SIREN 



Education 



Last iiifibt wo decided 

After loiij;, serious discussion 

Tliat a college education is 

Woi'tliwliile. 

My fellow I (liil( ISO] liters were 

()u tlie verj;e of saying 

It wasn't 

AVlien 1 jumped into the 

Breach with an original copy 

Of Marguerite de Navarre's 

"Heptanieron," a translaticni of 

Which my fellow erudites had 

Been unable to 

Attain. 

With my senior French I Anglicised 

It glibly to my assend)led 

Auditors. Boccaccio, Sterne, 

Hecht, Balzac, Rabelais, Oabell 

Et al were swept off the boards 

By these contes with a 

Moral tone. 

It was then decided that 

A college education was 

Worthwhile. 



— S. O. iS. 



-S- 



READY TO OBLIGE 



Husband (angrily) — •'What, no supper ready 
This is the limit. I'm going to a restauiaut." 
AVife — "Wait just five minutes." 
Husband — "Will it lie ready then'/" 
AVife — "No, but then I'll go with you." 

— IIllKxtoil I'lisl. 



-S- 



".lolinny. I'm afraid I will not see yo;i in heaven, 
said the father to his errant son. 

"Why, what have you been doing now, I'oii'.'" 

— T(ir Huh I/. 



At Fountains 

Famous for its quality 
and flavor 




The Original 

Refreshes The Student 
Invig'orates The Athlete 



Keep a jar fnll in your i-ooni. ("arry a llasi, 
full in ]nn<-|i tablet form. 



Avoid Imitations 






Fine Stationery 



I'AI'EKS vol W ILL LIKt; 



1 The l'<)|inlar Large Sliects in— 

I 

I I'(jIi> Cloth 

! Xd.rdiiii l'(in-h iiiciil 

I 

j ('null's Divkir Vdhiiii 

j II nihlii lid Ltiun 






and nian\ otliers 



"Danghlci-. did I not see ynvi silling on that I 

young man's lap wiien I passed the parlor door bn I j 

evening'.'" 1 

"Ves, but it was very endiarrassing. I wisli you ! 

had not told me to." ! 

"(i(i(i(| lie.ivensl 1 ne\-er tolil yoM to do anytliing 1 

of tile kind.'" ! 

"Von did. Von told me that if he ,-it|i'mi>I(Ml to I 

I 

get sentimental 1 must sit on him." — I'dtlip iiih r. i.„,_., , „,_.._„„ ,._,„ 

(31) 



Strauch's 

at (il'.") So. Wi-igjit St. 






SIREN 






A Little Early j 
but not too soon i 



111 lliiiik aliiinl vonr Thesis 
('(i\ci-s mill (';ir(ls loi- ("uiil- 

llll'lll'CIIII-lll . 



"Gusto," 

says the critic, 
"Is what we need 



i for completest life." 



Will Ii:iimII(' lli.'sc nicely U>v j 
\(iil wiieii llie time ciiiiies. | 



D 



Marriott's Print j 
Shop j 

i 

120 N. Walnut j 

Over Campbell's Restaurant ' 

Phone 1698 I 



Buy your 
GUSTO 

in the 



„„ „„ ,|„ III, |,„ ,„| 1,1, ,1,1 „„ ,|„ ,,„__„„ :„, .„, ,^«{* 4{*.i- 



Ice Cream - Sherbets 

Ices - Eskimo 

Pies 



♦ 



Champaign Ice Cream Co. 



2107 



Every Day 

is 
Malted Day 

Have you had yours 
today? 

D D 

Keroie and Alter the Show 



Schuler Bros. 

•J Main St. 




No publication is 
complete w i t h- 
out pictures. 



G.DGDUBBe<S 

CHAMPAIGN Hh. 




Main 175 

_.,, „ „ ,„, „ „, „„ „„ ,„ ,„ „„ „„ „„ „ „ ^ ,„ „^ 4, 

t 32 ) 






J^O B E R.T -B O Y L E S 




yl I R^ ■ — J' LT TW" -P 



The "PRACTICAL" Alchemist and 
''THEORETICAL!' Robert Boyle 




^HE alchemists wrote 
vaguely of "fluids" and 
"principles." Copper 
was potentially silver. 
Rid it of its red color and the 
"principle" of silver would assert 
itself, so that silver would remain. 
With a certain amount of philos- 
opher's stone (itself a mysterious 
"principle") a base metal could be 
converted into a quantity of gold 
a million times as great. 

This all sounded so "practical" 
that Kings listened credulously, 
but the only tangible result was 
that they were enriched with much 
bogus gold. 

Scientific theorists like Robert 
Boyle (1627-1691) proved more 
"practical " by testing matter, dis- 
covering its composition and then 
drawing scientific conclusions that 
could thereafter be usefully and 
honestly applied. Alchemists con- 
jectured anddied; he experimented 
and lived. 

Using the air pump Boyle un- 
dertook a "theoretical" but sci- 



entific experimental study of the 
atmosphere and discovered that 
it had a "spring" in it, or in other 
words that it could expand. He 
also established the connection 
between the boiling point of water 
and atmospheric pressure, a very 
"theoretical" discovery in his day 
but one which every steam engi- 
neer now applies. 

He was the first to use the term 
"analysis" in the modern chem- 
ical sense, the first to define an 
element as a body which cannot 
be subdivided and from which 
compounds can be reconstituted. 

Boyle's work has not ended. 
Today in the Research Labora- 
tories of the General Electric 
Company it is being continued. 
Much light has there been shed 
on the chemical reactions that 
occur in a vessel in which a nearly 
perfect vacuum has been produced. 
One practical result of this work 
is the vacuum tube which plays an 
essential part in radio work and 
roentgenology. 



(general Office 



General^Elecftric 

Compaiiy schcmctay^N.Y. 



<)S-635D 



€ 




When in Chicago — Visit the Lytton College Shop 






Burchfield Brings College-Correct Clothes for Spring to 
Hotel Inman, Monday and Tuesday, March 12 and 13 

lythniCoIle^ Shcp 

HERE'S a friendly, personal service that will conserve a modest clothes 
allowance and keep you in good style. These style ideas of the better 
dressed College Men include just the Suit or Topcoat you've had in mind. 

Also Hats, Shoes and Furnishings to Meet College Tastes 

Hemij CLgtton & Sons 

Largest Clothing Store in the World— STATE at JACKSON, Chicago 





r 



A College Man '» Shop that Sharet the Economy 
of Our Great Buying Power 





Easter Week is Open House at the 

lyttDuColle^ Sliap 

Always feel welcome to meet your friends here when in Chicago. We're just a step 
JL V from other interesting places in the loop. You'll enjoy the sincere cordiality of 
College Men who can interpret your ideas of style when you want to think of clothes. 

Spring Displays of College -Correct Things Await You 

Heniij CLgtton & Sons 

Largest Clothing Store in the World— STATE at JACKSON, Chicago 





Published in 
the interest of Elec- 
trical Development by 
an Institution that will 
be helped by what- 
ever helps the 
Industry. 



Why is a used book unlike a used 
car? Because the more you use it, 
the more you can sell it for. 

Books make brains, and the world 
pays high for brain power. 

The bulging dome on the library is 
worth emulating. It marks the way 
to bulging pockets. 

Don't take our word for it. Ask 
some of the old grads, the men 
who have gone out before you to 
sell their bookso 

Some have sold them for more than 
others. Why? Just ask. 

But, you may say, books are not 
the only thing. You're right. 

Still, they help. 



^esterm 



Since 1S69 makers ami distributors of electrical equipment 



Number 26 of a scries 



J 



SIREN 



If Summer | 
Comes i 



GOING DOWN 

Doctor: "1 hope your patient's 
temperature is lower this morning." 

Nurse: "That is hard to tell, sir: 
lie (lied last night." — ^Purple Parrot. 



D D 



W'c will ;ill lli.|i (ill Id (illf I 
own lilll!' rciKh'/Vdiis of dc- j 

I 



Registrar: "Name?" 

Stude: "Cohen." 

Registrar: "A. B.?" 

Stude: "Nope, Isaac." — Tiger. 



li.nlll. \n 111 
iiiiiiL;lc w 
w liiiiii we 
ihelT. 



icfi-cslicil and t( 
III iiiif fi-iciids j 
lie sure lo iiiccl j 



Mad: "Ruth and Elsie are thick, 
aren't they?" 

Wag: "Well, 1 only know Ruth " — 
Columbia Jester. 



Schuler Bros. 



THOSE SPECTACLES 
Stude entering movie I : "Good Lord! 

I've forgotten my glasses!" 

Stewed: " 'Sail right, old man, 1 

c'n drink it right out of the bottle." — 

Octopus. 



Of coufse, is that rlKiiic sjiot. [ 

Make (iiii-s yoiii- iiicetitii; f 

place — !t -Main St. J 



+•— ' — — » — 






Sister — Oh, Jimmy, you're cruel. 
How could you cut that poor de- 
fenseless worm in two? 

Jimmy — Aw-, sis; he seemed so 
lonesome. — Phoenix. 




A Hat for Every 
Type — 

Ai-e villi a lildiid. Iicluved uf 

I la Ills'.' 
Or a In-iniette wlimii lyi-ics 

liomif? 
Are you sliort? 
Or tall? 

Of diviiH-ly iii-hetwei'ii '.' 
X(i iiiattei- what your tyjie. 
we have the hat for you; a 
hat to redouble your eharui. 

Ill iliii-r ji'iiir Ihit UinUi( t. 

Mullikin Cash Store 

Opp. Clity Bids. 



SPRING'S COME 

Golf Baseball Tennis 



W'r lia\e the greatest layout of athletie yoods, the best makes and the widest 
i-aiii;(' of prices, that we have oli'ered. Everythiuji you need, from a Itase- 
liall or a tenuis hall to a complete outlit for a class team. 

See Mr. (iardosi, in charjie of our sporting goods deimrtiuent, for unusual 
figures on coiujilete hasehall outfits and for golf sets from $(;.50 to ^;i().()(). 



U. of I. Supply Store 






SIREN 



^a nc n i.. in 



Hot Cross 
Buns 

— <»r aiivtliiii^ t'lse you \\;iiil 
for 

Easter Time 



We iiuike it Kiglit 

and deliver it On Time 

Ix't us tifiure your next 
party order 



Berryman's Bakery 1 

213 South Neil. 1 

I 

We make it RIGHT and deliver i 
it ON TIME I 

I 



ARITHMETIC ERROR f>— 

Frank: "What was the big excite- 
ment at the theater of the 'Seven 
Veils'?" 

Rank: "The dancer missed count." 
— Harvard Lampoon. 






Jim: Well, 1 think I'll go to iny Ec 
class tomorrow. 

Jam: Gue.ss I'd better go with yon. 

Jim: Why should you go with me? 
You're not in the class. 

Jam: You'll probably need some- 
one to identify you. — Sun Dodger. 



Author: "What do you think of the 
latest child of my brain?" 

Friend: "I haven't read it. but it 
it's anything like its father, it ought 
to be suppressed." — Tiger. 



Tom: "Harry ate something that 
poisoned him." 

Dick: "Croquette?" 

Tom: "Not yet; but he's very ill." 
— Scalper. 



Geology Prof.: "The class will now 
name some of the lower species of 
animals, starting with Mr. Smith." — 
Gaboon. 



You Are 
Invited 



We are eiiuipped tii liaiidle 
\(Mir jiili wlietlier lai'i;e nr 
small. 

Courteous, honest, eeononii- 
eal service l)y eflicient me- 
dia nies, under ])r()i)er super- 
vision, is a gnarantee of sat- 
isfaction for yon. 

The high (piality of our work 
insures a big valne for the 
dollar spent with ns. 

As occasion presents itself, 
we invite yon to join our 
large circle of satisfied custo- 



Apperson Bros. 

Plumbing and Heating 

Phone 7-3760 .. 120 S. Race St. 
URBANA 



Ice Cream - Sherbets 

Ices - Eskimo 

Pies 



^ 




Champaign Ice Cream Co. 

Main 175 2107 



i i 
i 1 

I i 
I I 
I 1 



i I 



EASTER HAT 

to show the folks at home 

Gebim 

t/ CLOTHES %l\Q^ 

CM E. GREEN ST. 






SIREN 




The Ha 



ppy 



Ending 



The play's over — the whole shooting 
match. Everyone is either dead or mar- 
ried. Now you can go home, to the 
really happy ending of the day — to read 
your copy of 

VANITY FAIR 

111 Each Issue : — 



PAGES of photographs of the most care- 
fully dressed actresses and the most 
carelessly dressed dancers. 

REMEWS of the latest plays, to solve 
the prohiem of what to see when in 
town. 

SATIRICAL sketches by Fish and other 
artists, to keep you in touch with the 
follies of the world. 

HUMOR with a line you'll fuid irresisti- 
ble to female prom-addicts and home- 
town debutantes. 



SI'ORTS articles by men who have played 
on teams themselves, and motor pages 
by an expert. 

AN Auction Bridge corner which will 
L make your game a social and luisiness 
asset. 

ART, life and letters served up in short 
L courses which will not jade the most 
delicate apjietite. 

AXD the only sensible, correct, well- 
. bred department of men's clothes pub- 
lished in this countrv. 



Where's the Nearest News Stand? 



SIREN 




Art for Art's Sake 



(5) 



SIREN 



—|: ■.'.-.'• !•!.-.'.'.' 



l^ 




The Changing Spring 

"The world may find the Spring by following \ 

In \v<)()(le(] la IK'S why poke abodt 

Askiiifj, "Arc idissywillows out?" 

And wliy ill liaic wimkIs, lprii\\ii anil wi't, 

Uuiil fur the liidinj; violet ? 

(>i- ill iIr' li(*(l}{e-i-ows peer and Idliik 

To sL'f if buds are growing; pink? 

And whether the crocus yet holds up 

lender the hedge her golden cup. 

Hope you to find the bright-eyed Sju-ing 

Along the wayside, gy])sying? 

She is not there. She does not hide 

In cold nooks of the co\intryside. 

Nor trail her rosy fingers through 

Misty meadows bright with dew — 

Clad, till every snow-drop melts. 

In simple beauty and little else. 

Since Ovid and those fellows spie<l her, 

The nyniplfs horizons have grown wider. 

Her standard of living is somewhat higher— 

Till May-day comes, she likes a fire. 

She's just as blithe and debonair. 

But she has now more saroir-fairc 

Than in the Arcadian age of gold, 

When goat-foot gods were over-bold. 

With Pan and all such rustic lubbers. 

She makes no dates. She wears her rubbers, 

As Virgil says, "The height of her heels 

The authentic goddess now reveals." Swin<; 

Competent umbrella 

Of purple silk, or maybe yellow. 

She whom yon seek may liest be seen 

Somewhere "twixt Daniel, Wright, and (Ireen, 

Sometime "twixt morning, noon, and night. 

Bannered and beautiful and bright. 

Making the sun in envy stare 

At the red wonder of her liaii', 

While the soft sontli wind and the west confei 

How to eiiliaiice the grace of her. 

— lacob Heluuei 






4 



4i 

M 



iiiijittili 



(6 ) 



SIREN 



The Modem Marco Polo 



By George Rosenberg 



(1 11(1 need 1)1/ rradiin/ •■Siiifni Srt") 

I iiiibihod iiiy tickol and hoarded the train. 

"(Ji't up I You, get up I Tliiis is your stoj)!" 1 
awakened, and ;;ot off tlie train, .soniewliat in a daze. 

Tile station was of familiar disgusting di-eai'i- 
uess — l(u( 1 noticed tlie sign over the entrance: 

riIAXTA!«!MA<;OKIA 

3 aeons from Heaven 1 age from Hell 

Tourist I'nion ti-ains at every hour of the day; 
local stops at Xeurosia. Fatua. Decadia, Dadia, 
Bomm Basst, Heddon Ism, Blah, Prejoo Decia. 
Through trains to Heaven and Hell. Special excur- 
sion rates to all points except Heaven. 

Through the hurrying throng of the station a 
porter strode up towards me. He seemed familiar — 
looked like a caricature of H. L. Mencken. 

"My good man," 1 remai-ked, 'can you tell me 
where in the deuce I am — what line is this, any 
how?" 

He leered at me. "Even a professor could read 
that sign. Read it, and weep." Contemptuously he 
indicated the sign. 1 stuck my hand in my pocket. 
His manner changed. "Allow me to guide you — 
this town is strange unique. Its sights are unique. 
Allow me to guide you — I am a member of the News- 
stands Croup and am qualified." 

"All right, Menk. Take my luggage, and let's 
be off to a hotel." 

He grasped my luggage which consisted of an 
es])ecially fortified grij) of strong Provincialism, and 
a suit case of sturdy Futuo-ScuHr fabric I had in- 
herited from my ancestors. 1 followed him to his 
bus. It was a blatant vehicle, smartly set — of the 
^Magazine variety. 




Sejited in the bus, I questioned my guide — to 
the obviiuis displeasure of the occui)ants, who struck 
me as being LUtra-Hophisiicafo.s. 

"Take me to the best hotel — at a medium price." 

"Of course, taken for granted, sir. The Hotel 

Press — American Plan, European Bared. It is on 

Cosmos Thoroughfare, at Cosmos and ("haos 

Crossing." 





farlifiid </riji and u xiiil cas 



A porter strode up to inc. 

"And what are liie sights to be seen?" I en- 
quired. 

"Tonight," went on my guide, "at the Xietzchean 
Roof, the Follies of Freudia are being presented ; at 
the I'latforui of the American Letters Club there is 
going to be a finish fight between Kid Sherman and 
Battlin" Teddy Dreiser; and at the Gratis Tommy- 
rot Arena there is going to be a battle royal between 
Aniet' Lowell, Sandy Burg, (Junboat Whitman, Eddy 
(luest; and at the (Jeneral Press Coli.seum there is 
going to be a .Journalistic Pageant in Yellow. Take 
your choice." 

"I'd like to see the light, 1 feel atavistic. Will 
you call for me — but you're my guide, of course you 
will." 

"All right. This is your hotel, sir." 
Shown to my room in the Hotel Press, I was sur- 
prised at the variety of hot water one could get 
into, the wire service, the women's, sjjorting, domes- 
tic, society departments. Impatiently [ awaiteil my 
guide. At last he arrived. 

^^'e i'oIIimI along smoothly in the bus. Finally 
we arrived at the American Letters Club — a large, 
unsubstantial building, incomplete, colorful in 
sjiots, but (piite barren and shoddy in others. 



( 7 ) 



SIREN 



llisiilc. I noticed llii' i'l.'illoriii (il AliLclicini I.ct 
tt'i's was ill h.ii-iiKiny with the liiiildiiig — shaky, iiii- 
siilistaiitial. tlic IhiiiikIs wcii' vaf^iu' and ha/.y, and 
the Uiiht of it bli'ary. Siii-i'oiindinf; the I'lalloi-in 
WLTc tiers of seals, in wliieh were seated siioiitiiif;, 
yriniacinj; Sopliisticatos, ijellowiiig in loud voices, 
tlie loudest voiced wei'e seated closest to the I'lat- 
form. My guide led me to seats \-erv close to llie 
ring, and commenced i-etofting to the shouts — and 
proved to lie tiie loudestvoiciMJ — I sat and admired 
liis schl(iclit(nfl(t/(l techniiiue. 








It iras a sfurdy vehicle. 

Then the contestants appeared and lie got up to 
introduce them. 

"Kid Slierniaii, gentlenien. the liolder of tiie Pur- 
itan title of the Prairies, tights tonight, Battliii" 
Teddy Dreiser, the Terrible Barhariau, holder of all 
endurance records I (rentlemen, this tight is to the 
finish — Rules of Press Aatagonists as laid down by 
Oliver Hereford to be adhered to. I would like to 
announce that the profits on war-tax go to the Home 
for Indigent Post Headers, and all concessions are 
lield by the Pedagogs X^iiioii. (lentlemen, the fight 
begins!" He struck a bell and resumed his seat. 

But I couldn't see the contestants figiit. I told 
my guide this. He was not surprised. 

"You want some glasses — here Boy I" A vendor 
wearing the insignia of the Pedagogs Union ap- 
jiroached with various kinds of spectacles, — I picked 
a pair of the Indlffrriiiito make, but my guide 
shoved it away with a nexi)ression of disgust, and 
handed me spectacles of the Rnhhl-Partimno variety. 
Then I could see the fight I 

Kid Sherman and Batllin' Teddy Dreiser were 
in their res]iective corners, crouched, glaring warily 
at each otlier; each feeling out his adversary. 

Suddenly the Kid lead with a snappy coiiti-inp- 
luo-disiiiissaJ — which Battlin' Teddy parried witii a 
KuhliiiKi iiidiffcranrn and countered for the head 
with a kiiliii" rt torhisiirinxticiilo.' 



But tlie Kid (hidj;ed by means of a hnicliiirr and 
struck i^ittlin" 'I'eddy a glancing blow on the vanity 
Willi a nricir jx rsdiKii'! The iiubiiii of the specta- 
tors was tremendous! 



•Iiiiiore it !" shoiitei 



mv guide. 



"Follow up," shouted others. 

Clang! went tlie gong; tlie first roiiml was over 
— a draw ! 

The Kid refreshed himself with great draughts of 
research and study, while the Battler contented him- 
self with observation. The second round com- 
menced. 

At the start, parrying with verbal incoramuni- 
cadoes and minor bickerings, neither adversary 
gained an advantage, but suddenly the Kid ci'ashed 
a huge Tovie d'Americaniis to the wind of the Bat- 
tler, who was thrown to the ropes, but came back 
with a startling opus that dazed the Kid. The 
tumult of the spectators was astounding! 

"Banish the Barbarian !" 

"Away with the Iminaculate!" 

The adversaries scpiaied oil' anew — a fierce light 
in their eyes, stared for a few seconds, then each 
with a great shout of rage, lowered his head and 
dashed at the other! The impact was terrific! — 
there was a great rending, crashing and splintering, 
the Platform of American letters was torn to splin- 
ters! The columns, the roof, the pillars of the edi- 
fice of American letters were disrupted, the building 
crashed, down, down, wrecked in a great welter of 
dust and tumult! A block of O'Brien's Olympiads 
struck me a terrific blow . . . dazed ... I heard above 
all the uproar the triumphant voice of my guide . . . 



I awoke. My head was on my desk, 
head was a copy of "Smart Set." 



'Neath my 




IUs_ 



The Kid cntuhrd io the irind of tlie Rattler. 



(8) 



SIREN 




Good Till the Last Squeeze 

s 



HOOKS AND RINGS 

Toini and down, by Lynn and Lois »SV')y.s-frr Mont- 
ros.s, Doran, $2.00. 

II. L. Mencken, S. I'. Sliei-nuin and I)r. Bruce 
Weirick found lliis book to be interesting. Mencken 
found it sufficiently iconoclastic; Dr. Slierinan 
tlioujiht it exi)rc.ssed liigli ideals, and Dr. Bruce 
Weiiick put aside his Whiz Bang until he had fin- 
ished this much discussed work. 

H. L. Mencken, S. P. Sherman and Dr. Bruce 
Weirick expressed themselves as approving of the 
general form of the book. The fact that it was 
bound and that the print was black and white made 
a special inquession on H. L. Mencken, S. P. Sher- 
man, and Dr. Bruce Weirick. 

H. L. Mencken, S. P. Sherman and Dr. Bruce 
Weirick having expressed themselves on this work, 
I think that if you wish to know more of Town and 
down, you should consult H. L. Mencken, S. P. 
Sherman and Dr. Bruce Weirick. 

— Petey B. 
S 

THANKLESS JOBS, NO. 1 
Many girls believe in Art for Art's sake. Is not 
kissing an Art? 



-S- 



The bell rang. The front door opened and a poor 
meek-looking little fellow walked in. He started to 
speak, but was cut short by a lusli of bigger men. 
He was manhandled, pulled, shoved, slapped, and 
roughed in general. When the excitement had sub- 
sided and the crowd somewhat withdrawn he 
stepped out, without his hat or coat it is true, but 
still smiling, game little fellow that he was. He 
was panting heavily after the struggle, but that was 
all as it was merely a fraternity greeting a prospec- 
tive pledge. 

—A. W. B. 



-S- 



Obviously 



The breezes brushed the little leaves aside. 
They were but small leaves, very small, 

But sometimes passers by are open eyed 
To little leaves — and that's not all. 

— T.-N. 



N6- 
NOt- MEXICO, 
ILLINOIS 



Woman: <lelusion. Love: glamour. Man; tish. 




(9) 



SIREN 



Faith 




dmUL 



sill' trusts liiui 

Iiifiuitclv and he 

Tr\ists her to the saiiU' 

Degree. 

Oil their dates witli 

Other people 

They act real deiiioeratie- 

Like if you kuow what 

I mean, hut tliafs all i-ii;lit 

Because 

She trusts him 

Iiitinitely and he 

Trusts her to the same 

Degree. 



-S. O. S. 



I'aildles slajt and iiathtuiis wohble 
See the seniors at their play 
But like every dog in fiction 
Every jiledge will have his day. 



-Pop A. Cowe. 



Small One [tu his yirl in rrslinaytnt \ : "^Ml! 
you have a little shrimp?" 

She One: "This is so sudden, .lolin."" — Mcdhii. 



The Modern Math 

By Tukulti Ninib 

III llic ilaiK a^cs when the science of matliemalics 
was in its inraiiiy we ai-e told that the wise men 
gathered over llieir parchments and iiatiently 
worked out the date of Easter. We sym])athise 
with these grave old scholastics, for mathematics 
in any roiiii is a horrible and confusing subject. 
How niucli more hoi'rible it was than when ycnir 
learned Monk multiplied MDCCIX by CCNIJI is 
I)ainful to think about. 

Si ill, these old fellows had one advantage. No 
matter how abstruse their mathematical labors 
were, the good brother tailor provided them with 
a fine sackcloth robe, and such a robe as was guar- 
anteed to be a long-wearing garment, always apjiro- 
])riate and stylish in liie lii'sl Carthusian society. 

In this much, at least, the good friars had an 
advantage over us. And while they left long and 
[lainfully calculated Easter dates we have no record 
of their ever solving the problem of how to purchase 
new tweeds, dance tickets, cokes, car slugs, neck- 
ware and sport shoes from non-existant bank ac- 
counts. Here we maintain, is the proper field for 
the college niathemati<'ian. Let such trifies as date 
of Easter and the paralla.\ of fixed stars be worked 
out by mere Ph. D.'s. 




Oh What a Relief! 



(10) 



SIREN 



Add True Confessions 

By SUKLAW 

Let IIS s])e;ik iilainly. DiUiciiig is vulgar, in spite 
of the recoimiiending fondenination of the luiuisters- 
ofthe-gospel-aiul-ilressfashioiiis. We don't know 
what the young woman's attitude is, not Iiaving been 
a young woman in tlie present stage of our metem- 
l)sychosis, but we do know the young man's. 

We were once a comparatively young man; (that 
is before we found a good commissary and became 
stout — but more of this anon.) And we have been 
to two or three dances, though they were not invita- 
tion afl'airs. We learned from instinct just what the 
attraction of dancing wa.s — and we now seek to 
jiurge our so>il. 

We tell the chaperones that we enjoy most to 
dance with a lithe willowy, telegraph-pole sort of 
lady. Kut we know deeji in our sjiirt sleeves that 
wliat we want is a young woman with the botly con- 
tour of a pouter pigeon. Meu of short stature revel 
in cheek to cheek dancing with women of their own 
height. But, through a costly I'esearch, we have 
learned that a full appreciation of the sublime comes 
only through burying our face in delicately-scented 
tresses of a young spirituelle whose pate casts its 
upper projection along the lower wrinkle of our fore- 
head. This heavenly partnership affords easy com- 
munion for whispered contidences. the young lady's 
right ear being in easy hailing distance. Further it 
cannot but be an advantage to the girl to hide, or 
even lose, her blushes on your coat collar. And Oh, 
the e.xhilirating joy of witiidrawing gently from the 
clinch to find your jiartner smiling dreamily or 
tensely beneath closed eyelids. How we wait for 
the flickering shutters of awakening and recogni- 
tion I 

Is not this bestial '! Truly it must dull our social 
tibre, put India ink on our escutclieons, and make 
us acknowledge before the world the sensual, lasciv- 
ious h(>dge-podge that we are. And since we have 
grown too stout for Physical Culture or Wallace to 
help we join the ranks of those who twiddle their 
thumbs before the fireside and cry down the degen- 
eracy of the nation's youth. 

S— 




The Greatest of All Alibis 



Men of Letters 



Of A Young Lady 

By 

TUEULTI-NINIB 

"1 shall not love," she said, and I 
Sat fat an<l smugly smoking by 

I did not even turn my head 
"A foolish little girl." 1 said 

We heard the old, familiar din 

As couples slouched and swaggered in 

I blew an idle putt' of smoke 
Kemarked on being flatly broke 

The thin blue vapor wreathed and rose 
She dabliled powder on her nose 

And only then it came to me 
That words are subtle sophistry 

'Twas then I chanced to see her eyes 
"Dear Lord," I thought "this child is wise.' 



Love 



Moralitv is the ward-robe of desire. 



"Is he a man of hirge caliber"?'' 
"No — big bore." — Judge 



(11) 



SIREN 




(12) 



SIREN 



Smith Memorial 



The hall's encased in velvet daikiK^ss 

I'ale silver spaces of l)ane(l niounlifilit 

Stream on the smooth black floor. 

I climb the lofty stair, and where it turns about 

And winds, I stop and watch the eerie latticed ry 

JIark a pattern on the landing wide. 

The hush of emptiness and restful night 

Has filled the hall; but as I stand, 

Half-fearful of the dark unlighted ways, 

I hear a faint and pulsing melody. 

With weird, enchanting tone. 

That finds a throbbing note and holds it long, 

Then softly dies in silence. 

Timidly I hasten down the stair. 
And flee to warndy lighted places; 
What ghostly harmony was echoed there 
In the chill, moon-silvered darkness? 

— Vanitas '24. 



-S- 




"Here's where a little bit goes a long ways," said 
Many men are agnostics simply through inertia. ^,^^ ^^^^^, ^^ ^^ ^,^^^1^^^^ ^j^^ ^.^^.j. ^^,^^. ^^^ pr^^ipice. 

^ "Not so far as you think," said the bird as he 

swooped and caught it in mid air. 



The difference between ordinary love and la 
fp-andc pasision is a matter of ])i'ess-agents. 

S ■ 



-S- 



A blind date is like the death of a rich, eccentric 
uncle. 

S 

Gen. Electric: "Have you a flat-iron in your 
home?" 

Heaten Heave: "Xol" 

Gen. Electric: "What kind have you?" 

S 



Love is like death. It means either heaven or — 
competition. 

S 

Pretty girls are rushed incessantly. Others have 
hope chests. 

S 

The hope chest : a relic of the days when a man 
married tor a wife, when marriage was an institu- 
tion, not a destitution. 

S 



An idea of Pandemonium: Monkey Glands in 
the Art Museum. 



S- 



"Like all masterpieces," remarked King Tut on 
his recent birthday, "I improve with age." 

S 



Weird Concepts 

Diogenes and -Tesse James playing pinochle. 
Cleopatra and Millicent gossiping over their 
lio])e chests. 

Mark Tidd and Prof. Russel swapi)ing hor.ses. 
Dink Traut playing the Mairi/ Apr. 



If heaven is i)aved with gold; and wine, women, 
and song abide in liell, what couldn't an Irishman 
do with a i>ile of ecclesiastical paving bricks in hell. 

S — 



Solomon wasn't' so wise. Look how iriany wives 
he had. 



(IS) 



SIREN 




How (lid j'ouse guys know wf wasn't co-eds? 



Scoops 



Being some tried and true news items, etc., that 
the wgcd can always use in the event that it runs 
short of copy. 

KINLEY MAKES PLEA 

"The dignity of our great University demands 
that it have your su|>j)ort," said President David 
Kinley yesterday noon at a joint meeting of the 
Rotary and Kiwanis club of Savoy. Prof. James M. 
White, supervisiiig architect of the University, pre- 
sided. 

ULAKK ADDRESSES WOMEN 

"College hoys are not as bad as they used to be," 
declared Dean Thomas Arkle Clark yesterday after- 
noon .il till' weekly meeting of the Tolono Woman's 
('lull. ••'>'oii need have no liesitancy in sending your 
daughter to a co-educational institiition if she is the 
right sort of girl." 



LAW CLUB ACTS 

Charging that the Council of Administration 
I'obbed each of its members of 21 cents by requiring 
them to spend an average of 32 hours last semester 
in writing examinations, the Law club applied to 
Judge O. A. Harker for an arrest warrant on the 
grounds of petty larceny yesterday. 

Judge Harker refused to issue the warrant, stat- 
ing as his reason that vested Interests were involved. 
The Law dub stated that if he will not grant them 
their request they will have him indicted for con- 
spiracy, since he was formerly a member of the 
(\)uncil. 



-S- 



Only bachelors and old maids retain their hopes 
for ideal mates. 



(14) 



SIREN 



In the Spring 

liji Suiinir 

Answering the e;ill ol' the Illinois Union for sug- 
gestions as to student government, and for the en- 
lightenment of the coming generations of lUini, we 
submit the following as underlying i)rinci|)les of 
student government : 

I 

Class otlicers shall he young men of sterling 
worth who donate their superior services for the 
henelit of luimanity and their helpless fellow stu- 
dents. 

II 

Candidates shall be expected to appear spontan- 
eously as the choice of the class — anyone who en- 
courages a man to become a candidate, or aids in 
bringing him before voters, shall be excommunicated 
under the lunnes "iiolitician"" anil "uiud". 

Ill 

"Politician" shall connote bribery, treachery, 
blackguard, cutthroat crookedness, graft, deceit, (lis- 
huuesly. and dishonorabilitudinitatibns*. "MuiV 
shall (-(innote all oilier pDliijcal cliichancry. 

IV 

No one shall vote without stating acceptable 
reasons why he casts his ballot, and making oath 
that he has fasted three days considering his sacred 
privilege and the relative merits of the candidates, 
and that he has made his peace with Heaven. 

V 

Candidates shall go veiled to classes and become 
seminar recluses between nomination and election, 
for fear they may bias the voters in the exercise of 
their franchise, by beconung W. K. 

VI 

Biilloting shall take place in the Armory — only 
one voter being permitted in the arena at a time. 
Each ballot shall be countersigned by the president 
of the University, the deans of men and women, and 
the parents or guardians of the voter. Each ballot 
will bear the voter's finger-print, Bertillion measure- 
ments, and one pair of unlaundered hose for blood- 
hound bait. 

VII 

Ballots will be counted first by aerial photo- 
graph. Then the count shall be checked by a certi- 
fied public accountant, the Champaign-Urbana asso- 
ciation of church janitors, and finally by the queen 
of Mesopotamia, an impartial judge. 



IX 

No ticket to a social function shall be issued to a 
student who fails to submit his birth certificate, the 
marriage license of his parents, affidavit of his bap- 
tism, record of the dates on which he cut his first 
baby tooth and on which he had his last wisdom 
tooth extracted, and a record in thesis form giving 
history of love affairs, measles, and Prince Albert 
consumption to date. 

X 

Supervised baths shall be given to all who draw 
tickets to the Junior I'rom, Senior Ball, Soi)homore 
Cotillion, and Frosh Frolic in order that identifica- 
tion shall be assured. 

XI 

The student council shall be composed of the 
presidents of the 1971 fraternities, societies, clubs 
and associations, in oi'der that each activity shall be 
sure of getting one column a day in The Daily lUini. 

XII 

Engagements of the President — ^'ice-President 
and Treasurer-Secretary of each class shall be an- 
Jiounced immediately after each election, in order 
that the number of complimentary tickets shall be 
reduced. 

*A cfdod irard mid <i jcuyl in n striiuj of pvarls. 



-S- 




He : "How would you like to go to oui' liou.se 
dance?" 

She: "Oh, IM love to. 

He: "You'll have to. 



Some men go into societies for pins; others won't 
admit it. 



(15) 




L. F. TuKJGS, Editor 

Exchange Editor. I\;niil;ill IMppi'll. 

Contributing Editor, Francis Conglilin. 

Editorial statt': Don Allen. Helen Brelini. Donald 
Lafuze, Allan D. Parsons, Sam Shajiiro. Hoi) Sea- 
man, George Kosenberg. 

Editorial Contributors: Dorothy Dnnsing, Flo- 
rence Ballinger, Hally Pomerov, Elles Krieckhaiis. 

W. B. Curtis Ass't. Business Manager 

J). P. Miller Circulation Manager 

BuucE Cowan Advertising Manager 

K. G. Crouch Foreign Advertising 



R. J. Wei'.er, Business Manager 

Art Editor, J. W. Atkinson. 

Art Staff— Ted Carpenter, .Tolm Coiigldin, Don 
I'ronty, B. Shryock. 



Contributing Artists — "]'n<r' I'nderer, Flo 
Specht, Earle Clarke. 

Business Staff Assistants — H. C. Goodpasture, 
J. W. Rayney, E. E. Braznell, Rob't. Buehler, Edna 
Brown. James Klees. E. A. Carroll, R. L. Schock, 
B. W. Hicks, C. H. Terrence. W. Steffa. 



Fublished monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as sec- 
ond-class matter at the postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by Act of Congress, March 3, 1897. Office of publication. Illini 
Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 113 Uni- 
versity Hall, Urbana. 



Spring 



The Siren is ever an iconoclast. She shakes a 
cold and slimy tin at the romantic — sometimes. 

But now is the season of the romantic, and we 
are told 

" — , then maids dance in a rang, 
Cold doth not sting, the pretty birds do sing. 
Cuckoo, jug-jug, pu-we, to-witta-woo !" 
and we exclaim. Yes, Yes, precisely — except for cer- 
tain errcu's . . . except for certain errors. 

Maids no longer dance in a ring. They dance 
long slinky dances or short jerky dances but never 
in a ring, though we have heard that they dance in 
corners. Of this, however, we do not know. It is 
certain that they do not dance on dewy lawns to 
sweet bird notes. No chaperone would countenance 
such a performance. 

Cold does not sting in the balmy month of April. 

( 



What cold we experience is in the form of damp, 
gusty breaths of Spring and slanting silver showers. 
The Siren is decidedly not amphibious. She prefers 
sunshine, or at least freedom from the snitfles. She 
would rather not get wet. 

Moreover pretty birds do not sing. The cuckoo 
is not of our corn belt anyway. Neither is the night- 
ingale; it sings from the pastoral eglantine and by 
night. True, the robin sings, but at best he is only 
a dingy bird. His breast is red, not a very bright 
red to be sure, and for the rest he is no very colorful 
fowl. The bluejay, now, is a pretty bird. He is a 
gorgeous bird, but alas, he does not sing. And so 
with the cockatoo, the flamingo, the ibex, and the 
parakeet. None of them are really first rate. 

Still there is Spring. And Spring is the season 
of romance. 

Now father's car has a most seductive purr, and 
it may be seen loaded with unbelievably fair young 



16) 



SIREN 



ladies in new tweeds proceeding slowly along Green 
street. Bandolined yonug men are even more ban- 
dolined. The strumming banjo is revived from its 
winter crypt behind the room-mate's overcoat and 
is strummed on every passing breeze. Nature's devo- 
tees multiply on every hand in everything from 
knickers to lowly army pants and golf stockings. 
The fortunate drive o>it on tiie long, white highways 
in roadsters, while the robust and indigent clump 
about in hiking shoes. And verily the wise old moon 
is seen by all. 

S 

Of Fashions 

The Siren is wary of sjiecitic remarks on fash- 
ions. It is always well to be wary on such topics. 
For one thing the old girl luis a tinge of masculinity 
about her and is not entirely unremoved from ad- 
miration of her own sex. For anotlier she is re- 
stricted to a very scant refurbishing of sea weed and 
cockleshell at the Easter tide. Withal she is an even 
tempered person and despite a rather limited ward- 
robe she does not disparage the dress of others. 

She will agree readily that any Easter bonnet 
may look ridiculous. She will even concede that a 
great many bonnets do look ridiculous. Neverthe- 
less she believes, and in this she is iu hearty con- 
cord with her editors, that a dress designer has a 
very easy time in his occupation. Indeed, dress de- 
signing seems to be the one and only occupation in 
wliich the blundering male cannot make a serious 
mistake. He may achieve the bustle, the hooj) skirt, 
the balloon sleeve, the hobble skirt, the llounce in 
any and all varieties, and yet his subjects are in- 
variably charming. No matter what he does in the 
way of aesthetic bungling, woman can and does re- 
trieve his errors. She does more; she makes his 
errors a charm to look njion. She transmutes them 
by some mysterious alchemy of her own into the 
most delightful raiment tiiat ever graced a living 
creature. Which h ads tlic Old (!irl 1o one or several 



conclusions. She is really beginning to suspect tiiat 
fashion has nothing at all to do with beauty, and 
that beauty lias everything to do with fashion. She 
also concludes, having a strange unfemiuine taste 
for cold logic, that if this be true then new raimenr 
is vain expense and useless. I'eriiaps . . Per- 
haps the old cockleshell necklace will do just as well 
as a new one. Sea weed doesn't change so much. 
Still if she were to have the old coral retinted and 
one of those new anemones, tlie bronze one, for a 
turban . . . who can tell? It might be tiiat old 
Father Neptune would pass by some Sunday after- 
noon — but no, Father Neptune is a doddering old 
fellow anyway. Besides men are so stupid. They 
couldn't be exjiected to notice even the most gor- 
geous sponge trimmings, except perhaps some of 
tiie yoiMig Tritons. 

S 



Symposium 

Tlie SIKEN is arranging a Jiuge love-feast which 
promises to stand out with dazzling brilliance in 
the annals of campus social events. The exact date 
has not been set for the gay party but suffice to 
say that all the Illini magazine reviewers are to be 
the guests of the SIKEN. The reviewers will be 
served with generous portions of gooey custard ])ie. 
S 



Lux Benigna 

When all the damning charges iiave been iiuuie 
and proved, when graft, and corruption, and ex])loi- 
tation have been cited time and time again against 
our city governments, the Siren will smile a little 
. . . just a little. And as she smiles she will 
call down a minor blessing from tlie major gods on 
the good city fathers who cau.sc all the street lights 
in Urbana to be turned off at 12:15. 
S 

Confucius said : "A man and his wife should be 
as guests to each other." Tut, tut, 'Fucius, liow did 
you treat guests in your day ? 




(17) 



SIREN 




'>HeoRfcV)CRC «N>, AppCie\> pooL'^ 



Also Ran 

How (loth llic politii-i;iii 
Witli fervid sTii)])iii-;itioii 
Become a rhetoriciiiu 
To save aiul serve the nation ; 
And when the dread election 
Hath come more near apace 
Beliold tlie grave complexion 
Upon his noble face; 
He labors for his station 
A few short weeks, and then 
Forgets onr wild elation 
And gi-afts like other men. 

— Tukulti-Ninib. 

S 



'^^1 



And Still I Stay . . . 

I would not strive and toil. I thought 
For this or that elusive fame, 
And labor long with soul distraught 
But to enhance another's name. 
No, I would stand alone, serene, 
Aloof from simple toiling men — 
And then 1 got a job, I mean 
A sub-committee job again. 

—Tukulti-Ninib. 

S 

Beauty: The sugar in liic medicine, the pallia- 
tive in race presetTation. 



OBVIOUSLY 

■■'riic Orcj^on car hit a iiian on .loliii sheet yes- 
terday." 

■•( (h ! \\'as I he man on the track?"' 
"Xo. The car had to diase liiiii into the A. T. O. 
card I'oom before it got liini." 



HOTEL QUIPS 

• lack Hell: "(iosli. the Hctas got a big house:" 
JM Lcscli : "Sure. Come u|) stairs and I'll give 
you a ride on the street car." 

S 



The Savage Breast 

Tlie couple were moved, plainly they were under- 
going mental torture; their faces were drawn, they 
glanced at each other with dread, they were startled. 

The ponderous harnuinics of the mighty Rach- 
maninott' Prelude tilled the spacious chamber with 
powerful, throbbing living, volinne of harmony that 
lieat. and pouiKled with Cyclopian intensity . . 

invincibility . . . changed . . . the erotic 
fantasy of the Second Hungarian Rhapsody . . . 
its sardonic melancholia ... its passionate in- 
tensity of abandon . . ardour 

The couple could bear it no longer . . they 
rose . . "Come on, (Jertie, if (lis stulf is jazz, Fm 
Tammany Hall !" 

S 

Literature may be viewed from two standpoints, 
that of the critic, and that of the workman. The 
critic seeks Haws and salient qualities — in this order. 
The workman views the i)roduct as a whole, and ap- 
])reciates its conception and its execution from the 
point of view of the writer. The dillettaute dis- 
agrees with the critic and patronizes the author. 

S : 



I'rojiosal: a declaration of wai 
tivities at the start. 

S 



with the fes- 



^■irtue is the result of the W. J. Bryan in our 
souls lighting with the evidence that we descended 
from the apes. 

— S 



Wliile men have a future they are hopeful ; while 
women have a future they are in suspense. 

College: an adolescent nursery for easing otf the 
plunge into maturity. 



(IS) 



SIREN 



Supposition 



My love, au<l may I come tonifjlit, 
A lowly votary. 

To worship diunblj' in the si^'ht 
Of one so sweet and free. 
To kneel before thine altar fair 
To bless the sheen upon thy hair 
And pay with mute, adoring stare 
A still idolatry? 

Ah come, I ]iray, the iiiooii is hrijiht : 
She wears a silver dress. 
But, Oh, I think when thou are dight 
In slender lovliness 

How much more fair art thou than she. 
Come Love, and heed thy votary — 
Then faint, and far she answers me, 
"Oh, I sup)iose so, yes." 

— Tukulti-Xinil). 
S 



WHAT'S HER ADDRESS? 

I saw a vision at tlie Prom 

Beneath a shady tree; 

A woman fair, oh quite as fair 

As any femme could be. 

Of course the moon was tricky. 

But as far as I could see 

She was the sort of lady that 

Would much appeal to me. 

I asked her "Sweetie, won't you dance?" 

And then let out a groan 

For she — she stepped into the light 

And was — the chaperone. 

— Pop A. Cowe. 
S 



Fall In 



He was stifling. His legs hurt beyond all de- 
scription because of the cruel manner in which they 
were bound. His breath came in short, convulsive 
gasps due to the intense pressure across his chest. 
His head ached terribly from the tightness with 
which it was bound. As lie stood there practically 
helpless in his imprisonment everyone pitied the 
poor freshman with his military uniform on for the 
flrst time. 

A. W. B. 
S 

The engineer is a grinder, the ag a digger, the 
business man a figurer, the Liberal Arts man a — 
loiterer. 




A RACY GAME 

She: Why didn't you take me to the Orph Sat- 
urday ? 

He: Well, I was playing the races and couldn't 
get away. 

She : Well, the next time, don't take your race 
horse into Mosi's. 

S • 

FATAL ALWAYS 

People who always lounge around 

Some day will have to pay. 

Witness a chap whose tale I had 

Told me the other day. 

The boy was always leaning round 

On post, on chair, on bed ; 

He leaned against the doorbell 

And he's kicked from school, 'tis said. 

— Pop A. Cowe. 



Man was made in the iuuige of God ; woman — but 
is it possible that (lod could be improved upon? 



(19) 



SIREN 




l)i'l|iliiaii SiK-ifty discusses Tiit-ankli-ai 
liis ("oiitt'iiiiioi-arics. Law Clul) discusses 1* 
Interpretation of History. Fatuity, latui 
are kin to futility I 

-S- 



Anthropoidal Ode 



My Dear, I own your eyes are fair 
With golden depths of limpid brown, 
1 know what charm is in your hair — 
I know and yet I turn you down 

You may assume the perfect doll. 
You're not so far (the Saints protect us) 
From being true Neanderthal 
Or Pithecanthropus Erectus 

And so, of course, your skull is low. 

Your facial angle is acute — 

I really think that I must go 

No, No, My Dear, I'm not the brute. 

— Tukulti-Ninib. 

S 



Now Is the Spring 

By K.V.IAll 

Fancy ... a slow stroll iioiiir lidiii a Library 
date, the pie-faced moon daring your impulsive heart 
to damn the Dean of Women's rule ... an apprecia- 
tive, and malted-filled co-ed, who laughs your line 
to enjoyable accpiiescence . . . tinding a vacant corner 
on the porch — if you're lucky ... a bit of stalling 
. . . the cha])erone's bell rings; house rules mu-st be 
oi)eyed ... a touch of wai-mth in the softness of the 
de|)arting tribute . . . "see you after your nine 
o'clock" . . . wandering back through Urbana-on- 
moonlight-schedule, with visions, visions, VISIONS 
— "God, she's wonderful I" . . . the pungency sur- 
rounding the Chem building awakens your mind 
that your Ec is yet unstudied ... a revivifying cof- 
fee at Jimmies . . . back to the house ... a quiet 
smoke with the boys on the porch . . . faint melodies 
. from the east, like fragrant incense, only to be in- 

— ^lu'cited by a filthy saxaphone break — must be the Delts 
giving the A O Pi's a thrill . . . intense stillness, 
nen and broken by a baby robin's somnambulistic chirp 
Icononiic under the stimulus of a furtive moonbeam ... an 
ty, thou hilarious "Oskee-wow-wow" — the Sigs are drunk 
again . . . more quiet, profound quiet . . . drowsiness, 
and utter disregard for tomorrow's eight o'clock 
... a soft tone caresses the ear; a dainty violin 
melody, muted and soulful ... it is Jake Stringer 
II playing "Lazy Dog Tease" . . . your eyes close 
. . . you are dancing with her ... up among the filmy 
clouds . . . softly gliding . . . she presses closer . . . 
ecstacy upon ecstacy . . . she raises her head . . . her 
lips quiver in the soft moonlight ... a heart tremor 
. . . you draw her clo.se — "Wake up, old man, and get 
to bed. It's after three o'clock." 

S— ■ 



Do you believe in Love at first sight? 
No, at first opportunity. 



Do you like tulips? 

Sometimes; depends on the toothpaste. 



The Oat 

Tuesday morning 

She told me that if 

She didn't win 

That election she was going 

To sow all her wild 

Oats 

In short order. 

Tonite I'm calling up 

For dates for the next three 

Weeks. I always 

Did like 

Agriculture. 



S. O. S. 



(20) 



i 



SIREN 




The First Man 



Lena, Lena 

The music started — a lilting, Ariel-like melody 
that rippled and flowed and tinkled along like a 
mountain brook, an old classic of such blithe, airy 
beauty that its gleeful, sparkling harmony instantly 
caught up the spirit of the listener and carried it 
along on a dulcet wave of melody so that the sjiirit 
became gay with the musical glee — the Glow Wr^nii. 
The introduction over, the singer advanced, cleared 
his throat . . . again the lilting, sprightly 
"Glow Worm" . . mellifluous . . the singer. 

"'Nix, on the glowworm, Lena, Leiui, 

Play something else on your concertina. . ." 



The Solution 

His colleagues 

Think he's gone Einstein 

One better. Friend 

Wife is checking up on 

His sjiare moments wiiile his 

Students believe he got a 

Kaise. 

Poor fools I My math ' D" 

Is now "A" for 

Having shown him how the 

Sarazen grip would add 

Sixty yards to his 

Driving. 



(21) 



SIREN 



The Charm 



I will 111(1 s|ic;ik til' litllc thillfis, 
(» lipstick and of ftnifjc. 
The litllc liltiiij; soiij; she sirij{s, 
The iiuiMv siilitlc ;n-(s she brings 
To liciir ;is she may choose; 
Anil yet she hath one ainnlet 
In all her wealth of arts, 
A never-failinj; net to set 
And snare nnwary hearts; 
She dotli not deign a bored caress 
>sor fain a laiignid listlessness 
She only sweetly answers "Yes, 
riease come again" and parts. 

Tuknlti-Ninib. 
S 

Campus Frankensteins 

Jlilliceni and her flock of Dad Elliotts, etc., ad 
nauseaiM. 

I'rolial ion. 

Trig. 

The ():4r). 

The Scout — and its system of espionage. 

t. a. 

Will-O-The-Wisp 

Jly nj'ighhor began; "Her hair is of an excjuis- 
ite shimmering golden-yellow, and of such a rippling 
softness of texture that it seems to flow like ethereal 
fire; her face is oval, her complexion of a creamy 
whiteness, dashed with the rose-i)ink of early sum- 
mer dawn ; her brow is broad, of medium height, and 
of a terene whiteness that is rendered intriguing by 
an occasional pucker; her eyelashes, bewitching; 
and her eyes, of a twilight silver-blue! . . . And 
her nose — a Shakespearian lyric made human by a 
golden freckle. Her mouth — the sweetness of the 
smile of the Sistine Madonna, made merry and rap- 
turous by a delightful sense of humour, sensitive, of 
a delicate v(duptuousnoss; her chin, rounded . . 
Her movements have the liquid grace of a gazelle . ." 

"Your wife?" I ventured. 

"No!" he started up, despair in his eyes and 
voice. "I am a misogynist!" 

— G. R. 
S 

The wi'iting of literature is a far moi'e ditficnlt 
subject than chemistry, business, and mathematics. 
Those who "can't get math," "are not cut out for 
business men," "not at all scientific," — take up 
literature. 



Love is the jMiwder in the hnllet of life. 
Maiiiage is the explosion of that powder. 

S 

"I.e's see; I believe I'll build my country home 
in Colonial style, or Queen Anne." 

"Make it Moorish — it's a Castle in Spain.'' 

S 

Mathematics club discusses relativity. Two 
Hlini rei)orters discuss Hedonism in Modern Litera- 
ture. Two blind men discuss the color shading of 
Parrish. 

8 

There is a sublime self-abnegation in pro-found 
I)aln and sorrow that mitigates the misery — a cer- 
tain bitter-sweet assuaging joy, the pleasures of 
martyrdom. If this were not so, imagine tiie utter 
wretchedness of the chap whose girl had invited 
him to her formal, and then asked him to let her off, 
"she wanted to take the other chap — almost en- 
gaged, you know." 

S 

Like, jesting Pilate, the cynic — without waiting 
for an answer — asks: What is the difference be- 
tween Contemporary and Temporary Poetry'/ 

S 

The Theory of Relativity is comparatively 
recent. 

The Theory of Seductivity is old — as Eve. 
S 

AVoman is like a kaleidoscope: ever shifting, 
and changing colors. 

S 

COURSE OF TRUE LOVE ; SEASONAL fiRO^VTH 

Summer: growing senile eroticism. 

Autumn: growing resignation. 

Winter: growing amazement. 

Spring: growing interests. 

Man is woman's complement; woman is nuui's 
compliment. 

Dormitory Bell: Brr-r-r-r-r-r ! 
Student, sitting up suddenly in bed; hand to 
ear and mouth: "Main 3502!" 

S 




Ain't Nature Versatile 



(^2) 



. 





"Started 
in 

1842" 



Whitman's famous candies are sold by 

{r-'L^'A IKHAXA (IlAMrAKlX 

\\'*^fe3 iMivci-siiy l'li;irin:)cy, TO.") S. (Joo.hviii .Inliii Sclnili-r & Co. 

\-'^^ l"rliaii;i l'»rn<;- Co., Ill West Main St. Ai-ca«lc ('(HitVctiojU'i-v (J. TliDiiiliill i 



SIREN 



"Oh, well." said tlic professor as lie pithcrcd up THE LETTER OF THE LAW 

Lis k'l'tui'c notes, "life is l)iit a sleep ami a for- Tlie Nassau llall l)ell proclaimed the hour of 

gettinj;!" luiiinijilit. As the last stroke died away a befuddled 

S Freshiuau, still weariuf; his cap, stuiuhled aiuilessly 

"Were vou hurt badly?" ' '"^" *''*' l^''l^'"""''^ •"'"! o>-<lei't'<l an eg^' sandwich. 

"I should sav so: 1 was standing on the coiner "'>•>"'♦ .^■"" l^""^^ '"'<'♦''■ <'"'" '" '"■ "»t of your 

-watehint; a younj; «i.l an.l her n,oii,.T- " '■'""" "f'<'''' " '"• ^^■■" 'l'-'"anded the Sophomore who 

.,Y,,„ " straightway accosted him. 

"—An.l 1 was struck by the comparison."- . ""^ all rifjht !" whee/.ed the member of --(J. 
., ,, , , ,,. " "S not toni{,dit ! "S to-morrow morniiif;!" — Prince- 

ton Tif/cr. 

S 



-S- 



Colored K'.'ctor: "And now, bretlieiii, let us Osear— I didn't get to bed till 4 o'clock. 

pray foi- dem heatiien dat lives in de uiiinhabiteil Oswald What for? 

parts of de \\inh\:'~L(iiniio<.ii. Oscar— Four A. il., yon darn UnA.—Tiycr. 

S . S 

Raleigh's Valet: "Sir Walter must 'ave bin (irace— What did Hill do to get kicked out of 
drinkin' 'eavy yesterday. Bin rollin" in the U'ud, eoUce? 

'e 'an.— Punch. Dave— Nothing.— Y'/ryr/-. 

s Ls 



I'irst ICskimo: "Call me in about tliret' monilis. 
will you?" 

Second Ditto: "AVhat for?" 

First Ditto: "I have a date at sundown. "-- 
Lemon Punch. 



Stands she there and gaily chatters 
Of refreshments built -for two, 

Wonder.s he, with two lead nickels, 
How to blutf the evening through. 

— Purijiv Parrot. 



Champaign's Leading Florist 



a 



Say It With Flowers" 

Fresh 
from our own greenhouses 

The largest supply of fresh 
cut flowers and blooming 
plants in Central Illinois. Rea- 
sonably priced. 

Flowers by wire everywhere 

THOS. FRANKS & SON 

111' X. .\eil St. 







i 



SIREN 






THE REAL CO-OP 

we sell 

Textbooks and Supplies for all 
Colleges [except law) 



Owned and operated by the 
students 



The REAL CO-OP 



J. II. Liiullev, ^tudiitt Mi/r. 

Mathews & Boncyard 

T'lhaiia 




HATS FOR^OUNG MEN 




''*'They Retain the Style L,t?ies L,07iger' 

F. BERG&CO., New York, Boston, San Francisco fartory Orange, N.J. 









STOP 

At the Laundry Depot on 
Green St. and get one of those 
dandy soft Lead Pencils and a 
supply of the Book Matches. 

n D 
The White Line Laundry 

.Main 4(1(1 
Jlillaid .V Siivdfi- 



i I 



i I 

I I 

I I 

1 I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

1 I 

1 1 

! I 

I I 

1 I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

1 I 

I f 



Private Dining Room for 
Banquets and Parties 



INMAN 
HOTEL 



Convenience — Comfort 
Refinen"ient 

□ n 



I I 
1 I 






I <r. W. Ryoi 

I 

4 — „ — ,._„_„„_„.. 



^^■|l(■^(■ Voii Feel at Home 

A. Daiiielson 



SIREN 



FarwelVs 

Cafeteria 

ralildliiia .11 .M:itlic\vs 
()]>l)()silc Clifiii L;ili. 

-Til.' -Most !•' 1 lor the Least .Moiiev- 



I F>.'L1, .mi;ai.::!»c 



j 
I'LATK IJX(M1 -irw I 



( 'aii'l lie licit on the ("aiiiims 



FarweWs for 
Favorite Food 







■^do: "Wliat is your idea of a iictty thief?" 
lloo: "A "ill who steals." 






TAILORED AT FASHIOM PARK 



! I 



YOUNG MEN'S 
SUITS 

For Spring of 1923 



New arrivals from 

FASHION PARK 



W.Lewis 6^ Co. 

Champaign 




*.-—... 



(26) 



SIREN 



Laments of the Lamp Post 

■A. I.. ^- 





This guy used to li;iii<; on uw all niglit. Now he 
brings his car along. 



^ilaho 

Bfth/[veme*sEi^orUePip( 

"There is something 
fine about it 

$3f andup WmDEMUTH&Co. 

at the better 

smoke shops NEW YORK 




When the "first ball of 
the season is thrown" 

llic cliaiices aw nine 1o one 
that it will he a "S|ial(liiig 
Official" — a ball so good that 
it lias been adoi)tc(l hv tlii' 
National Lejigue and is used 
in all championship games. 



The Great American Game 
that everyone can enjoy 

Everyone can enjoy base- 
ball. You don't need a floor 
or baskets. You don't have 
to stop to put on old clothes 

You need only gloves and 
balls and bats. And we 
have all kinds of them at 
all prices 



STUDENTCUPPLYCrORE 
'ervice f'3 av»n<$ f Jai is/action 



■CHUCK" BAILEY 



(27 ) 



606 E. Green Street 



SHELBY HIMES 



SIREN 









J. W. McEvilly is still at the same old place 

High Class Shoe Repairing — Guaranteed First Class 
Work and Materials 

("liaiM]i;iiiiii. Illinois J'liiinc .Main JL'd'J 101 l], (liccn Slfccl 






lni(|iiit\ is tolerated if tiuged with iiii(iuity. 
S 



A State I'liiversity: a factory of edm-atioii for 
till' turning; out of flivvers. 
Keligion without Hoaveu. The army without the Wouiau is man's ins]>iration, — consternatiou, 
nuiforni. The dance without the contact. Insijiid. desperation, perturbation .trepidation, etc. 
savorless things. g 

*■ The college man should seek in the woniiin he 

Man justifies himself into marriage. Woman is „,.„.,.ies. intellectual comradeship, sympathy, and 
tlie justitication. understanding, ^'erv good. But why (pialify? 

M 

s • 



George Washington was the father of his coun- 
try, Lincoln the i)reserver, and Bacchus the enter- 

. '. -v- \- 1 * 1 1 1 ■ D I • * 1 ; 1 "!' Desire. A hvi)ocrite is a man who believes in a 

tainer. >ow \ olstead has driven Bacchus into hid- • ' 

.,, . * 1 .■* ■ ♦! ♦ V I +1, , k; 1 Philosophv of Convenience. A i)aragon of rectitude 

ing. All we ve got U'tt is the country. And the hid- ^ • i >^ 

ing places. 

8 

There is a new slioe for women being put on the The dilference between oiir actions and our in- 

niarket. called the motoring shoe. It has very thick clinatious is the difference between respectability 

soles. and uurespectability, the civilized and the ata\istic. 



A rake is a man who believes in a Philosophy 
Desire. A hypocri 
ilosophy of Conven 
is not a philosopher. 

S- 



E^joij tKi 



iirst'- 

The great thing is— you get so much for so little when you 

Drink 




(28) 



SIREN 



wmmi' 






Single Copies of The Siren are 
always on sale at the following 
places: 



I iiinrsiti/ IHshict: 

U. of I. Supiily Store (('o-opi 
Greeu Street riiariiiaey 
Engineer's Co-op 

University riiarmacy — Goodwin Ave. 
](lol Inn 

Chiniipaiyii: 

Inman Hotel «S: Drug Store 
Jlollett and Woller 
SwanuelFs Drug Store 



LUCKr 
STRIKE 

vCIGARETTE, 



11 



i'rbaiia : 



Joe's Place 

Leslie's Music Store 






Stationery 



\\\' have made il a point lo stock (inly (he 
best. We know we can please yoii with our 
complete line of White vS: Wycofl' and Eaton 
Crane. I'ike linens. 

jt jt ^ ^ 

AikI niiiriiihi r — // //'.s- (I ilnif/ xturi- jinxliict. 
ire irill hare il 

^ ^ ^ vt 

Illini Drug Co. 



U. .lEKKV UKAY. Mgr. 
~y2'2 East Green 



Call Jlain 



We Deliver 






This one 

extra 
process 

dives a 
delightful 
quality that 
cannot be 
duplicated 









(29) 



SIREN 






OIleiH^ 



Cafeteria 



(ilO i:. CKKEN 



Among the Elite 



'I'lic I lirriiioinctci- of cK iliz.it ion — tlic social 
sl:il lis of w (Jiiiaii. 

\\'lii'ii iiuiii li\i'il in irccs, or liiidilled up in cav- 
«'rns, civilization was low, and woiiiau's ])lace was 
tliat of slave. Ami wlicn civilizjitioii took to plow- 
ing, Agricola's wile olicii itulled tlic i)low he guided. 
But as civilization fiourislied and atlvanced, woman's 
place advanced, I'ercy E. Lizal)etlian"s wife became 
his servant. And now, at the present height of civi- 
lization, John Smith's wife is his e(|ual. And civi- 
liziition continues its advance — "Backward, turn 
backward, oh Time in thy flight I" 



n 



'Home of the Electric Waffle" 



Most epigrams are attempts at witty generaliza- 
tion. Your epigram should be true — at least in 
part, should be apt — cleverly put — and every epi- 
gram should be (juoted only at approjiriate times, 
and then but once. Ai)propriate times? Any time 
there is any likelihood of its "getting by". Tritely, 
all epigrams arc ]i(>intl('ss, incluiling this one. 






GRGRLBBeCO 

' , ENGRAVEftS ■< 
" CHAMPAIGN, 

ILLINOIS.^ 



^ 



I I 



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I I 

I I 

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I ! 



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I 

30 ) 



Opera Scores of | 

! 
1 

"The Red \ 

Flamingo" \ 

i 

Now Sold by j 

! 

I 

The Union Book I 

Exchange i 

! 

The Supply is Liniited -(iet Yours Today ! 

j 



SIREN 



Balm 



AVIu'ii all file world is liai-d ami iliear 
And all my dreams are scattered tlust 
( And all my loves no longer dear 

And Fortnne's calm, impartial thrust 
(Milivious to hope and fear 
Hath worked its will, and grief is hushed. 
I still can have a balm divine 
And mock at every sting and scar 
^ For once a Phi Bate liked my line 
And let me ride her motor car. 

TukultiXinil). 

S • 

It took a Papal Bull to get Henry \'II1 a divorce 
it doesn't take that kind nowadays. 

S 



At Fountains 

Famous for its quality 
and flavor 



Credo co-ed: To swear is vulgar; to smoke i^ ! 

I 



Refreshes The Student 
Invig'orates The Athlete 



disgraceful : to i)et is — necessary. 

When a man falls in love a girl is successful. 

. S 

We judge a woman by her face. Is it a wonder 
we are deluded ? 




I ! 

T Keep a jar-lnll in your room, ("urry a llask- j 

I 
I 



full in lunch tahlct form. 



Avoid Imitations 



Do you realize how 
Bill or Susie would 
appreciate a portrait 
of yourself? 



Send Your Love and a Picture 



Let WEBER Make 

the picture 



•lohn at Sixth 






( 31 ) 



SIREN 

i 
Watch & Jewelry j 

Repairing ; 

I 

IN I 



The Co-op 



Engraving 



RATHER STRIKING 
Regi: "How come the hlack eye. 

old dear?" 

Stirr: "I was down to the danee 

the other night and was stnuk by the 

beauty of the place." — Harvard Lam- 

Iioon. 






Your Shop 



OUTSIDE, BUM! 

Oscar breezed into a large office 
one day and inquired of the boss: 

"Have you an opening for a bright 
young man?" 

"Yes," growled the boss, "and don't 
slam it as you go out." — Harvard 
Lampoon. 



Fond Parent: "What is worrying j 

you, my son?" f 

Willie: "I was just wondering how J 

many legs you gotta pull off a centi- J 

pede to make him limp." — Sun > 

Dodger. 1 



A. G. Kirmse 



IiijicisoU A\'atclK>.s I 






Launcelot: "Take this ring as a 
token of my love for you. It has no 
end." 

Elaine: "Keep it as a token of my 
love for you. It has no beginning." — 
Washington Congae. 



j 2 Al;iiii SirccI j 

I CliaiJiiiai;:;!!. llliiniiK [ 

a ' = 

I I 

R = 

! I 

I WmiK ii's W ,iir j<,r flms, irlio j 

I run— j 

j I 

I Robin Hood | 

! Frocks I 



For Spring and 
Summer 



Tlicy arc original and wt-ll ! 
woilli yonr ins])ection 1 










Among the 14 
Famous 

^orietH Srand (Elotljea 



Till-; well (licsscd man who wants tlie 
t'cclinj; of Spring in his clolhcs will tind 
it in Sdcit'ty Miand Kaiiihow JStiipes. 
Tliev're beantifnl coioi- harmonies — gray 
liaclcgronuds into which lilciid striites of 
liglilei- gray. In-own and hluc. Voiril enjoy 
looking them oxer. 



-Criilnil llliiKiis' (!ntif<sl Slorr for M, 
;>.'!;!.");;7 Main St.. ('Iiampaign 



py 111''!" 1 1 iiiiii''^'. , ,, 



(^ VOLTA EXPLAINING Hly 

<% 



■■^'^ 



.-*'\ 






BylTTEKY TO -M^POLFOM •^ 
^ 



How Electrical 
Engineering began 




T IS not enough to ex- 
periment and to observe 
in scientific research. 
There must also be in- 
terpretation. Take the cases of 
Galvani and Volta. 

Oneday in lySSGalvani touched 
with his metal instruments the 
nerves of a frog's amputated hind 
legs. The legs twitched in a 
very life-like way. Even when the 
frog's legs were hung from an iron 
railing by copper hooks, the phe- 
nomenon persisted. Galvani 
knew that he was dealing with 
electricity but concluded that the 
frog's legs had in some way gen- 
erated the current. 

Then came Volta, a contempo- 
rary, who said in effect: "Your in- 
terpretation is wrong. Two differ- 
ent metals in contact with a moist 
nerve set up currents of electricity. 
I will prove it without the aid of 
frog's legs." 

Volta piled disks of different 
metals one on top of another and 



separated the disks with moist 
pieces of cloth. Thus he gene- 
rated a steady current. This was 
the " Voltaic pile" — the first bat- 
tery, the first generator of 
electricity. 

Both Galvani and Volta were 
careful experimenters, but Volta's 
correct interpretation of effects 
gave us electrical engineering. 

Napoleon was the outstanding 
figure in the days of Galvani and 
Volta. He too possessed an active 
interest in science but only as an 
aid to Napoleon. He little imagined 
on examining Volta's crude battery 
that its effect on later civilization 
would be fully as profound as that 
of his own dynamic personality. 

The effects of the work of Gal- 
vani and Volta may be traced 
through a hundred years of elec- 
trical development even to the 
latest discoveries made in the Re- 
search Laboratories of the Gen- 
eral Electric Company. 



« 



General^ElecTfcric 

general Office COmp3.ny Sclie ne ct ady, N.Y. 



9S-^3S . 



fjf 



IT PAYS TO INSIST ON ARROWS 




$000 



^ . ^ ordorv 

Arrow shirt 



I 



r is made of a better oxford, in a Hne tailor-like 
way, with sound big buttons put on to stay. 
It is essentially a shirt built for service. The shirt 
has an attached collar made by the expert Arrow 
collar makers. It buttons in the back and at the 
tips. The cuffs are of the French model, or they 
have single cuffs which button with one button 

CLUETT, PEABODY €?- C O. INOffl^ers, TILOY, N. Y. 



», "r 




y 



V 




Published in 
the interest of Elec- 
trical Development by 
an Institution that will 
be helped by what' 
ever helps the 
Industry. 



Cake Eater 

-model of 1900 

He was called dude and dandy 
then, but you recognize the type. 

He majored in haberdashery and 
took his degree with honors in 
soxology. 

As if that were not enough, he 
evolved some variations on the cake 
walk which made them stare. 

He even found time to develop a 
remarkable proficiency on the tandem 
bicycle, and on Saturday nights hs 
was good enough to bring pleasure 
into Another's life by wheehng away 
to the "Ten-Twent-Thirt." 

To crowd all this into four short 
years would seem enough for any 
mortal. Yet in spite of his attain- 
ments there are times, in after life, 
when our hero wonders. 

The glory of his waistcoats has 
long since faded, while his books are 
still fresh and clean. Did he perchance 
put too much thought into the selec- 
tion of his hats and too little in what 
went under them? 



Sime 1S69 maicrs and distributors of electrical equipment 



Number 2S of 



■=J 



SIREN 










^^HIS is the time to make the 

most of tennis weather. All the prop- 
er equipment is obtainable here 



TENNIS SHOES 

SPEEDWAY Converse shoes 
are blucher type, laced to the 
toe; they're light, but have a 
very hard rubber sole that 
would slip on a basketball 
court but will stand the gaff on 
a tennis court $2.50 

BIG TEN, heavier, with leather 
trimmings $3.40 



RACKETS 

Spalding's H A C K E T T and 
ALEXANDER with stronglj- re- 
inforced 7-piece throat, a great- 
ly improved style at $13.50 



Others as low as. 



-$3.00 



ELGIN, also 
shoe 



a Converse 



-$1.75 



Balls — they're good because 
they're SPALDING'S 50c 

Racket presses, $1.75 and $1. 

Racket cases, $1.50 and 75c. 



STUDENTCUPPLYCT0RE 
'ervice f Javin<$ f ^aiisfaci ion 



606 East Green Street 



'Chuck" Bailey 



"Shelbii" Himes 



Private Dining Room for 
Banquets and Parties 



INMAN 
HOTEL 



Convenience — Comfort 
Refinement 

D D 



WJiere Yoii Feel at Home 
<1. W. Bvers A. Danielson 




V V 



Southern Tea Room 

Reservations made now for 
Fall Dances 



[1] 



SIREN 




Alyce: "1 adore Keats!" 
Ikey: "Oy, it's a relief to meet a 
ladv vot still likes children!" — Fioth. 



Sky Pilot: "You know you are to 
be hanged on Monday. Have you any- 
thing to say for yourself?" 

Passenger: "Well, Gov'nur. all 1 
can say is, it's a mighty poor way to 
start the week." — Goblin. 






Home Made Cake 



Order it tfoni iis and voiril 



DONT'CHA 

"Why is a cigar-stump nearly?" 
"Because it's all but." — Lampoon. 



i not l)e disaiJiiointed. 
I 

i We iiiaUc all kinds from the 

] I invest I'mi-i. Butter and 

I otlicr luatcrials. And our 

I balcfis are e.vperts on icings 

f and decoration as well ais 

f cake inakin". We can make 



Light Lunch 

^'ictoria Chocolates 
Per Pound — ~Mc. 

Vaky^s 
Confectionery 

iiain t>t. Champaign 



WET WASH 

As I'sual: "Shay, is thish a hand 
laundry?" 

Manager: "Yes." 

A. U.: "Wash my hands, will ya?" 
— Ski.u-mah. 



RUBBING IT IN 

Citizen: "Judge, I'm too sick to do 
jury duty; I've got a bad case of the 
itch." 

Judge: "Excuse accepted; clerk, 
just scratch that man out." — Widow. 



■ aiijilliiHi/ yon want. 

1 Phone lis your order and 
j we'll all he jdeased. 



i Berryman's Bakery 

1 213 South Neil, 
I 

I We make it RIGHT and deliver 

I it ON TIME 






As Seductive as Sirens are the 


Prices on Sporting Goods 


Quality- Variety of Stock 
Reasonableness of Price 


Golf Baseball Tennis 


You can't resist 'em. The sooner you fall the longer 


you enjoy them 


U. of I. Supply Store 

(('o-(»]il 



[2] 



SIREN 



B 



IDWELL'S 
ETTER 
CANDIES 



Next to the I'ostotlice 



Made Fresh Daily 



BALLY WELL HINGLISH 

An Englishman, talking against 
many things in America, happened to 
say to a friend in New York: "WTiy 
even your newsboys can't take a joke." 

The American friend replied: "Just 
try the next one that comes along 
with some nonsense and see if he 
can't answer you." 

The Englishman agreed and stepped 
up to a newsie, saying: "Hello, 
newsie, look at your nose and tell nie 
what time it is." 

The boy quickly replied: "Aw, look 
at your own; mine ain't running." — 
Yellow Jacket. 






OF COURSE 

The other day a man dashed into 
the Grand Central Station with just 
one minute to catch the Twentieth 
Century. He made the ticket window 
in two jerks. 

"Quick! Give me a round trip 
ticket!" he gasped. 

"Where to?" 

"B-b-ack here, you fool!" — Awgwan. 

"I saw a fellow jump off a twenty- 
five-story building to-day." 

"Committing suicide?" 

"Oh. no; just practicing." — Harvard 
Lampoon. 



Have You 



ever thought how much easier 
your housework wouhl be if yoti 
had running 

Hot Water 

in your kitchen, your laundry, 
and your bathroom, so you 
could get it instantly 

For Every Need 

It costs but little to equip your 
home with a hot water system. 

Witter lieating eqiiiimieiit 
sold ou time payments. 



Apperson Bros. 

Plumbing and Heating 

Phone 7-3760 120 S. Race St. 
URBANA 









LITERATURE 



is always worth while 
especially when obtain 
able at such low prices 
as these. We carry, 
special copyrighted edi 
tions of all of the fol 
lowing novels: 



'\'alley of the (iiaiils" aiid 
■Kindretl of the Dii.st." hv I'ett 




I I 
! I 



I I 




H. Kvnc 



SHIRTS 



"Penrod and Ham" and i j phiy an iui]ior(anl ]Mvi in a nian'.s 

"The Flirt," by Bootli Tarkinf;t<in j j aiice. Von will liini onrs to he an 

'Jltiin street" "The Shiek" j ] any one 

Illini Dru^ Co. i i 

I I 

H. JEKKY <;KAY, Mf^r. 
Sl'i East (treen 



appci 
isset 



Call ilain 72 



We Deliver 



I 1 
1 I 



! I 



Qehim 

t/ CLOTHES SHOP 

C.^ihds That MdK« Ut» Man '• * - ' 



• ill M (JREEN ST. 



[3] 







) Vanity Fair 



That Nighl-Life Complex 

Do \ou suffer froui a city urge? Does the index of re- 
pressed emotion sometimes point down the path to the 
Big Town ? Do you occasionally dream that you'd exchange 
the whole expanse of the Campus for a few square yards of 
land by Times Square? 

And you can't, you can't, you can't — there's a lecture inhibition 
(Mechanical Engineering 3), or a baseball practice, or a re- 
hearsal of the Glee Club. And the world seems dai'k and 
drear . . . 



But 



aren't you overlooking the march of modern science? Haven't you forgotten 
Einstein's annihilation of space? Must a man any longer be in only one place at a 
time ? Certainly not ! Not since the discovery of 

VANITY FAIR 



The greatest international travel agency for the modern man. Takes you 
To New York — but to the Bihmore Cascades, not to the Aquarium 
To London — hut to the National Sporting Club, not to St. Paul's 
To Paris — hut to the Folies Bergeres, not to Napoleon's Tomb 

In Each Issue: — 



R 



H 



AGES of photographs of the most carefully dressed 
actresses and the most carelessly dressed dancers. 

EVIEWS of the latest plays, to solve the problem 
of what to see with her when you are in town. 

•\TIRIC.\L sketches by Fish and other art'sts, 
to keep you in touch with the follies of the world 

UMOUR, with a line that you'll find irresistible 
to female prom-addicts or home-town debutantes. 



A 
A 



TORTS articles and motoring papers, by experts 
) who can also write entertainingly. 

N auction bridge corner which will make your game 
social and business asset. 

RT, life and letters, served up :n short courses which 
will not jade the most del-cate appetite. 

ND the only sensible, well-bred department of men's 
clothes published anywhere. 



Where's the Nearest News Stand? 



Conde Nasi, Piililislier 



Frank Ci-owninsliicld. Editor 



Eginont .\rciis. Art Editor 




he Only Genuine Reform 



SIREN 







[6] 



SIREN 



Roast Goose 

("The Uoosf-f^lrj)," bji Vpton Sinclair; piihlislinj by 
Upton Siitcldir, Pamdcna, Califoniia; $2) 

BY LYNN MONTROSS 

CiMiidhor of ■•Town and Gown" 



Tliei-e arc many clever tliiiifis, iki doubt, which 
could be said ;ibout "The (ioose-.Step". B\it, somehow, 
the sterile cleverness of the book review i)aj;e doesn't 
aiiply eitlier to Upton Sinclair or to his latest book. 
He is too earnest, too terribly in earnest. His book 
is not clever; it is not finished literature; it is not 
even the best of journalism. It is a propaganda doc- 
umoiit. 

Some 47S pages rather loosely (packed with evi- 
dence purporting to show how the American univer- 
sity has sold its soul to what William .Tames, when 
at Harvard, called "the bitch-goddess. Success": 
tiiere you have "The Goose-Step". 

In this array of evidence Jlr. Sinclair introduces 
a score or more of universities which lie visited in 
person. He presents the opinions of several hundred 
instructors with whom he talked or corresponded. 
He is vigorous and relentless in naming outright 
the persons*, the organizations and the aspirations 
which have had a part in what he avers has been 
the sale of education to privilege. 

Of Illinois he says: "Here is another of those 
terrible mushroom places, with a thousand instruc- 
tors and ten thousand sludcnls exposed to all the 
ravages of commercialism." Of Northwestern: ". . . 
not a rag of an idea to cover its liones." Of Michigan : 
''. . . another of these huge, educational departmenl 
stores, a by-product of the sudden |)rosperity of the 
autonu)bile business." 

The chapter on tiiis university, captioned "The 
T'niversity of the (xraml Duchess", presents five or 
six incidents for the pur])ose of showing the commer- 
cialism, intolerance and religious stupi<lity of the 
school. As far as Illinois alone is concerned, the 
case which Mr. Sinclair prosecutes in the five-page 
chapter isn't strong enough to warrant conviction; 
it is only when the Illinois evidence is considered 
together with that collected from other institutions 
that one begins wondering to what sort of a national 
education system Illinois belongs. 

In such a consideration it is well to remember 
that the prevailing hostility to facts has caused the 
author of "The Goo.se-Step", "The Brass Check" and 



"The Jungle" to be singled out as an obnoxious citi- 
zen; his latest book will often be discounted with a 
suilf as the result of the author's reputation. He is 
probably the most horrible example in the country 
today of that indefinite bogey man gravely referred 
to at Kotarian luncheons as a "red" or "radical''. 

All this means merely that he has ideas and uses 
them, that he is penniless, tactless, fearless: invul- 
nerable. He has made several small fortunes with 
his pen and invested every cent in Utopia. A poeti- 
cal Cromwell, a puritan with the obstinates failii of 
his own fiery illusions, he is one of the few men of 
the land who never has struck a bargain with an 
ideal. He is easily worth half a dozen of the over- 
grown shopkeepers whom the morons woi'shiji. 

The very sincerity and intensity of the man, how- 
ever, become a fault in "The Goose-Step". He occa- 
sional Ij' inflates trivialities and suspicions out of 
all due proportion to the facts he offers. His last 
four or five chapters of "cure" and "philosophy" 
are often a bit labored and even bombastic in their 
measured idealism — the goal of life is evidently as 
real and definite to Mr. Sinclair as is is to Judge 
Gary, even if in (juite another direction. 

But with the faults of the propagandist forgiven, 
"The Goose-Step'', as a whole, is eminently valuable. 
It |)roves convincingly what many instructors and 
some students all over the country are realizing: 
that the American university, once scholarly aloof, 
is today goose-stepping to the national anthem of 
commercialism. It is no longer supple in inclining 
to ideas — only to some ideas. It is successful. 

True it is that Uiiton Sinclair will not be loudly 
thanked for his service to the university in writing 
his book. "The Goose-Step" will be received on the 
average campus with heavy silence. Its author 
knows, however, that the "reds" of 1823 are being 
studied in colleges of today — when ideas are at 
least a century old they are considered safe if they 
aren't applied to the present — and it is probably his 
revenge upon this age of girth that in a hundred 
years to come he may be considered, even if some- 
what whimsically, in universities to which Judge 
Gary, Mr. Vanderlip and Mr. Schwab are unknown. 



[7] 



SIREN 




—Magnanimity 




•lioirt CIV, littk- "irl. 1"11 buy yci- llowersl 



[S] 



SIREN 



For a Memory Book Reformation 

Kv Saixt ( )i{i'iiF.r.M 

Since Spring T liiive been visitiiig .sororities g;i- 
Im-e anil wliile waitiiij; minutes or Iiours (time de- 
])eH(liiig iin llie slaliis (if llie soroi'ity) for my date 
to a|(|ieai-, I pass Ilie iiionients perusing tlie memory 
liooks lit' tlie xarious sisters. Tliese boolcs are with- 
out exeeption trite — danee programs, more dauce 
jn'ograms, and more d. ps. 

But why uot make a Memory hook rellect a per- 
s<iii;ility instead of merely recording a list of func- 
tions? 

I will never forget the .McniDVx ISodU of .Tesse 
•Tames (notorious eriuiiuall. 1 xisiled him one day 
and, 1 ran across his memory hook. It was dedi- 
cated to the governor of Te.xas who accidentally was 
murdered by Jesse; five pages were pasted full of 
menus, theatre tickets, an<l rain checks which he 
had acctimulated from almost evei'y prison in the 
r. S. ; now f(dlowed tiles which his wife, in goose- 
lierry pies, had smuggled into .lesse's ])rison ; an<l, 
on the last page, glued with a neatness not usually 
associated with criminals, were a pair <>f ears which 
l)arted from lier because she refused regularly to 
oil Iiis revolvei- (gat or pea-shootci- in the vernacidar 
of South Chicago.) 

No co-ed should fail to liven her book up with 
the f(dlowing or similar objects: 1. I'hoto of the 
college man who first told her, "Oh, yon have such a 
(pieer effect on me" ; 2. The photo of the prof, who 
gave lier an A because she sat in the first row ; '.i. 
A vial containing ])art of the first coke she had at 
Mosi's: 4. The boy who first took her to a Shan 
Kive; 5. Thuiidi- and li|)-pi-int of the man (a) who 
tirst kissed her, il)) whom she first kissed; <>. The 
boriowed riding breeches foi- the ]'](piitation course, 
but wliicli she used onI\- once since she preferred 
dancing to sitting <mi soft cushions; 7. The inner 
tube of the I'cird in wliich she had her first "run out 
of gasoline" dale; S, .V wax record recording her 
first "bad word" she used when tlii' man she asked In 
lier I'ormal di<l not recipi-nca le. but instead, iinjiort- 
(il; U. \ phony di|ii(inia whicli she might have lieen 
granted if siie had gone to college tw(» more years. 

Dedications by their cleverness and phrasing, 
rellect to a great degree llie |iersonality of the 
ownei-. 10s|)e<-ially ellectivc are tliese: "Dedicated 
to the big stilf I accidentally will marry," or "To 
my dear friend who beat me out cif ihe presidency of 
the Woman's League," or. "Lo\'ingly to the wretch 
who black-balleil me from her sororitv," or "To the 
clninip ( stronger ad jectixc pernussable I who spilled 
punch down my back at the .Junior Prom." 

[9 



YE GODS. KEEP M I'M— ALWAYS! 

It is said that the be truthful 

Is to acquire a halo — 

And I am trtithfid but 

Now I knew that when I returned 

From the sojourn to the city 

Of former fianu's 

My erstwhile lUiin playmate 

Would ask (|uestions that might be 

End)arrassiug! 

You know what 1 mean? 

J had gone to the Drake, 

All sonp and fish with Henry 

But how could I be sure 

That no one woidd mention that fact 

To "The Man Who Stayed at Home" 

^Vhen there was an Illini 

Dance in the same hall 

Sejiarated only by a row of chair.s? 

So 1 was truthful and in retuiii 

He turned not the other chi-ek 

But a cold shoulder ! ! I I 

Is the Kingdom of Heaven 

AVorth the price? 

—Tank 




"That feels tine. Let me ha\(' .-i si/,e smaller. 



SIREN 



Academically Speaking 




Eiitniiice Exiiiiiiiia(ii)ii 



Jeannette 

Your eyes! Jeaiiiicl (c, iiiiui iliciil your eyes! 

So beeji;, so sad, so lull, liccni arc — 
All Imui licciu liaxc /,(' look sni|U'isc", 
All laui licciii look so slill, so la i' ! 
.Mom (lieu, youi- eyes ! 
I'lic Iclh' ]icli(c lillc. .Icaniictic, 

Such Icltlc, dainty >/iv], so snuiil — 
Hue idle bebe jiowr Pleri-e iMai-(iue(te, 
IIccui fear she's are no ftirl a tall. 

Si I'rele, Jeainicttc ! 
Wlial niak you cry? I see ze tear — 

Ilccni cauuot hide froui I'ierre Marfjuette; 
So? \ou ^i-o\v hcc^, an" please your I'icrrc? 
^'ou arc I'oidisli j;ii-|, .Icaiiiictlc — 
Such foolish tear! 
<ii\(' i'icrrc a kces, you bad -Icaiincllc, 

W'hal niak you seem so sad, lak tliees? 
(ii\c Picric a kccs, sol llccs loijici 
Si t'rele bebe, for one small kees 
From hees Jeannette. 
All! I'ierre, hees very strong an" wise; 

He chop ze tree, an" mak hcem fall — 
He does not have beeg, hungry eyes. 
He does not weep ze tear a tall ; 
He very wise! 
But Pierre's Jeannette, mon dieu, such eyes. 

So beeg, so sad, so full, heem are — 
All tam hees have ze look surprise". 
All tam hees look so still, so tar — 
Mon dieu, such eyes ! 

J. H. McNeill. 



A Theatre Curtain 

A p.'iii]lcd Lilly in a painted boat. 

l''ecdiii^; liniii painted hainl llircc painted swans, 

(iracefiilly swiinininj; on a painted lake. 

While ])ainted undcrnealh in letters black, 

Is "Meditation," heavily displayed, 

Upon a gaudy canvas, rich in seams 

And agonizing colors — liandiwork 

Of some sign — painter by his linn discharged. 

Tortures the eyes of tired business men. 

Students, and f,-ii-nlly, wlicnc'cr they go 

Out to I'rliana's playhouse to the show. 

— Lord Deliverus. 




Te. A - H O U r\)~D 



[10] 



Reform Hints on Dating 

(By Saint-Orplu'iiiii i 



SIREN 



FnuEWOHii : Enn if i/ou do not oirii a nor-folk, 
(IcniU- reader, or even if your Papa'i^ honk nccoiint 
does iwt really permit you to smoke Pull-Mdllx. do 
not irorry ahoiit the datinf/ (]ne>ition. Bi/ ohscrriin/ 
ilir.si' liiiils i/(jii iiKiy dull' iiroinixcuoiisl y. 

I 
It is wise once in ;i wliilo to date willi tlie 
■'species intellectna" or one of tliesc "Modern Day 
Helens," yon Icnow. Slie will be in the library. Sit 
next to her and recite several passages from A^'ells' 
Outline on History in an exciting nionotone. If 
she does not throw the dictionary at yon, this means 
that she wants to know yon better. Thrnst before 
here eyes the following tickets : Symphony Course, 
Star Course, Piano Recital (free), Tuesday Nights' 
Reading (also free), and Orpiieum demanding, 
'■When and Where?" If she says notliing, Sand- 
burg's Ode to An Ashcan should be passionately 
recited. As an added inducement show two car 
slugs, and whisper, "Cokes, too maybe." 

II 

Do not flatter women. Say, "Oee, your sorority 
sisters remind me of dray-horses — slow." At this, 
if she is any kind of girl at all, she will INSIST 
that you date her in order to disprove your supposi- 
tion. Do not let her know that you were once en- 
gaged to her room-mate. 

Ill 

Consider it beneath your dignity to date a rib 
unless: (1) her account at the Mariuello proves that 
slie buys a doz. hr. nets per wk. ; (2) she has 5 formal 
bids ; (3) she has an average below 2 ; (4) she SAYS. 
"Petting parties are so silly''; (5) she has both good 
look and jtersonality (this will limit the field of 
applicants). 

IV 

Even 1. s. g.'s (local sorority girls) must be 
studied. Tiie accepted manner of attack consists of 
brus(iuely asking, "What sorority do you profess?" 
"Kai)pa Delta Kappa," will be the reply. You know 
tliey were founded March 10, 1923, but will say, 
"Let's see you were founded in 19 hundred and — , 
no IS hundred — .'' Before you finish she will pinch 
your arm and i)romise to break a date just to accom- 



])any you to tlie Y. M. C. A. l)ean supjier of wliidi 
you ai'e pres. 

V 

It is good policy to play up to a woman's pity. 
Of course, anybody can finance a Feed-Date, there- 
fore, you will date her on a rainy Sunday night. 
Wear leaky shoes, no socks, celluloid collar, "come- 
back-to-me" tie (if any), a cheese cloth suit, and a 
cardboard fraternity pin. Be sure when you and 
she are wading arm in arm to make the oozing of 
moist water around your toes andible. Point to the 
sign All You Can Eat For 39c and caution her to 
annex a second helping should the o])portunity pi"e- 
sent itself. 

VI 

Tlie girl who owns a motor presents a distinct 
problem. Approach her thus: As she parks her ma- 
chine and enters a piano store steal a revolver from 
a sleeping policenmn and therewith shoot holes in 
the tires thereby making them flat. After she has 
heard all the records and rolls she will trip outside 
and be nonplused by the flattened innertubes. Ad- 
monish her not to weep. Fix the tires by taking the 
bullets out, jtimp into the drivers seat, wait for the 
clerk to deposit in the tonneau a Baby (xrand, and 
demonsti'ate your driving ability by clind)ing all the 
big hills on high. If your small talk evajjorates, 
accelerate, lean out of the car and pick hankies 
from the ground. 

VII 

The law of contrasts governs the athletic girls. 
By swallowing in its entirety a tin foil coated Life 
Saver (adv.) you will cough like a resident of Den- 
ver. She will tritely remark, "Denver , (Hamburg if 
she is German) for you eh?" I'^ou will splutter, "Oh 
(violent gasping) could I only have .someone to 
teach me golf or tennis so I could fool this touch of 
T. B." In a weeks time yon will be able to beat her 
at all sports, indoor included. 

(Warning: // she does not satisfactorily react 
after heiny subjected to the seven tests you may rest 
assured that she is either your long lost sister or 
else is going to school to learn rather than to assimi- 
late a hushand.) 



[11] 



SIREN 




Feminine Logic 




Aullun- — I've come here to fiiirl inspiration. 

Clerk — Will. I'm a law-aliiding citizen myself, 
but I t hi 111; the lidtcl lias s((ine at ei<;lit dollars a 
<liiart. 

S 



The Question 



His verses, stories and 

Essays in I he 

(\-llll]ins ni;it;s displayed 

Kal)elaisian Jimiioi-. 

Yet he had 

Never dateci ;i caiiiinis 

'\\'omaii. 

So wiien he arranjied to see 

The leadinji campus co-ed 

One Satiirday niglit 

Her return was 

Awaited with e;ii;i'riiess. 

Was lie a ll.iiieiir 

Or just an aihiiesceiit nsiiio- 

?lis imajiination ? 

AN'heii liie i. c. c. came in 

Slie answered all 

(Questions with a smile. 

Was it one of disi)araj;enieiit 

Or was slie 

Merely kee|iiii,i; a nood Ihinj; 

To herself? 



Feminine lo<;ic is 

iVdmiralile. 

In the coliiiiins ul' 

Her I nivcrsity 

Daily 

She chastizes the 

Jjocal males 

Who ini|ioit and even 

\\'iiiiien imported fniiii the 

Town or ol her iiist ilnl ions. 

Next week, she is 

(ioinj; up to Wisconsin. 

And later to 

Michigan and Xoillnvesteri 

Don't yon think 

Feminine logic is 

-Vdniiralile? 



-S. O. s. 



-S. O. s. 




SIII-; HAD A CKISII (»\ Hl.M 



r i:! 



SIREN 



The Hard Boiled Ballade 

When Hof; MonlcNclli \v;ts sent to Siiij; Siiiji 
To serve oiu ;i iwciilv yen- seuleiice. 
They fed liiiii on iiiusic lo take out his sting' 
And lioped that it niij;hl hiin;; repentance. 

]{iit Xolde and <!ui]inant, Kinder and Kaeli 
AVere [)layed witli mi seeniinj;' etfect ; 
F'errata's Seiierzino went ri<i|it off tlie trade 
And left tlie ninsicians all wrecks. 

Then Massenet, Chopin, "Aniarilli niia l)ella," 
(^aceini, Coreili, "Mio dolee ardor," 
And wonld yon lielieve it this terril)le t'elhi 
(irew liardei- .-nid harder than ever Itefore. 

They blew on the brasses, I hey whistled throiifili 

wood. 
Bore down on the cynil)als and clinked tandnnirines, 
But none of the stuff did the tilings that it should 
Hog scln|(pe(l u]i his sonji, and glared down at iiis 

lieans. 

Well Hog is now free of the Law's brutal shahs 
And file fears of the pen that had tilled him. 
As a final resort they tried him on jazz. 
He reloiMied? Why hell nuiu it killed him! 

— Don Allen. 
ti; 



The American Home. (Reformed.) 

It is Sunday in the ancestral numor of the 
(Iniltt's. one (»f the show places near Shiloh-on-the- 
Sea, but in spite of the beauty of the day, the spright- 
liness of the weather and the dainty finttering of 
the (inilff buttertlies; there is something hanging 
in the air that gives ])roniise to si)oil the grandeui- 
of the thing. 

Let us pass throngh the carved walnut doors (the 
doors that (heat-great grandfather Guilft' brought 
over in the JIaytlower) into the spacious marble foy- 
er of the (ruillf ])alace. (Jlance for a moment at the 
massive i)illars of Pierian marble, and the vast col- 
onaded ceilings. Is that a Constable, and there is 
one of the few (\)rot's in America. 

Here comes Lidya (Juilfl' in tears, and there is 
Mrs. (iuillf sobbing into a fi-agile bit of Dublin lace, 
one would almost think that Owen (luillf wonld 
strangle with tliose nniuly sobs tearing his bosom. 
Why this grief? What is the matter? Who is dead? 

Anil now it comes in a gasping flood of tears it 
is merely this. . . .Ml the (Jnillfs wish to read the 
Kible and .Mr. (luillf sweais that none shall read 
until Ih' is ihrough willi the llol\ Writ. 

D. C. A. 



Chanson d' Amour 

My Love, 1 nevei- gi\-e a whoop lor 

complexes 
I love Sir Freud as Xegroes lo\c the Ku K 

in Texas. 
Nor do I care for all this ninlecule and at(Mi 
That ai-giH's that yoni- own sweet self is 

matter. 
Jf all of this is true I have a I'eeliug that 
Made you. made only yon then lost his 

I'oi-ever. 

—David X'irgil I- 



-S- 



•'re\nlian 
nx Klan 



1 chatter 
ordinarv 



whoever 
formula 



elts. 




niessed Ix' the tie (hat 



[ISl 




L. ]'. Tkhujs, F.diUir 

Exchange Editor, Kamlall Dippell. 

Contributing Editor, Francis Conghlin. 

Editorial statT: Don Allen. Helen Brehln, Donald 
Lafuze, Allan D. Parsons, Sam SIia])iro, Bob Sea- 
man, George Kosenberg. 

Editorial Contributors: Dorotlij' Dunsing, Flo- 
rence Ballinger, Hally Pomeroy, P^Ues Krieckhaus. 

W. B. Curtis - Ass't. Business Manager 

T>. P. Miller Circulation Manager 

Bruce Cowan Advertising Manager 

K. G. Crouch Foreign Advertising 



R. J. Wep.er, Business Manager 

Art Editor, ,1. W. Atkinson. 

Art Htaff~Ted Carpenlcr. .lolm Cduglilin. Don 
Prouty, B. Sliryock. 



ConfrihiitiHi/ Artistx 
Siiecht, Earle Clarke. 



'T'ud"" Puderer, 



Flo 



Business Staff Assistants — H. C. Goodpasture. 
J. W. Rayney, E. E. Braznell, Rob't. Buehler, Edna 
Brown, James Klees, H A. Carroll, R. L. Scliock, 
B. W. Hicks, C. H. Terrence. W. KStetta, Jerry Nord- 



i-'ublished monthly l)y the lUini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Elntered as sec- 
<iUQ-class matter at the postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by Act of Congress, March 3, 1897. Office of publication, Illini 
l-"ublishing Company. Subscription price $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 113 Uni- 
versity Hall, Urbana. 



Reform ! 

Just one step aliead of the times lias been the 
nuitto and i)olicy of. the Siren, an.d with wise fore- 
sight she takes up the cudgels for reform in this 
issue. She "views with alarm" various distui'bing 
tendencies around the campus — such as the high 
grades among the soi-orities last semester for it 
shows the faculty resistance to feminine charm is 
weakening; it is the intention of this issue to advo- 
cate healthy measures to put an end to many of the 
periiicions practices about us. 

Tlie end of the semester draws near, and tlie 
campus backbone needs strengthening. \'arions 
suggestions will he offered by wise councillors 
throughout these columns ; if acted ui)on, the results 
should be far reaching. 

It is |)ossil>le, though not jirobable, that some of 
the evils may be overlooked. In that case the Daily 



Illini, the otiier caniims liberal ]iiiblicatioii, will l)e 
anxious to throw light on them, following the lead- 
ership of the Siren. Heaven knows the Hlini hasn't 
reformed anything yet, except perhaps the honor 
system, which, in spite of itself, it chloroformed 
with most pleasant success. 

S 



He who would rise with the sun must not stay 
up late with the daughter. 



The demand for near sighted chaperones is only 
exceeded bv (lie demand for stiff-necked taxi drivers. 



No mattei- what yon do someone always kn(>w 
yon would. 



[14] 



SIREN 



Needed Reforms 

Of coni'se, certain i-i'Ikiiiis tli;i( slioiiM first ut nil 
lie instituted are obvious, namely ( 1 I llie disliandinj; 
of the Oouucil of Administration, (L'l discliai-^in<; 
the Deans of both men and wumen, (:'>i and. the 
discontinuance of tlie ('ullei;c uT A'iri( idture. In 
order, liowever, for this rnivcrsily to emcrjic tri- 
umiihant from the present sfump ccrlain really dras- 
tic measures must be evolve^ 

1. I would suggest that doing away with the 
"heUo" custom. It sounds denioc lalic to say "hello" 
to anyone but just ask one dl' the most cheerful 
hclloers for a jialtiy loan ot li\(' dollars and see what 
liapiH'ns. 

1'. I would suggest r.'izing all the buildings on 
campus. Classes could be held in our Stadium. The 
other day I read about persons going to Alaska 
to study and romp about in the Great Outdoors. 
Kut why go to Alaska when we could use tiie breeze- 
swept Stadium just as well? If the weather becomes 
too inclement school can be postponed. With the 
money obtained from selling the debris a race track 
could be built. A College for Race Drivers certainly 
would be a forward step in the curriculum of the 
American University. And Just think that in IHl'L' 
De Palma made |59,000.00. 

3. I have a solution to the fraternity ]>roblem. 
Now some men belong to a fraternity and others 
unfortunately do not. I advocate a sort of alternate 
system, that is, one year let one-half of the student 
body belong to fraternities, and the other half be 
non-fraters; and then the next year have everybody 
change places. Tins arrangement would insure ev- 
eryone spending two out of four years in an organ- 
ized hou.se and would undoubtedly satisfy all con- 
cerned. Incidentally it would be advisable to sell 
all existing houses and to build one big house for 
all. This would do away with the bother of remem- 
bering so many names. 

4. I have purposely ignored mentioning coeds 
as I have assumed that every person favors making 
Illinois non-coeducational. 



No Smokes for Women 

Tli(>re is no doubt that cigarette smoking among 
the ladies is becoming more prevalent during these 
Ilechtic days, and the Siren is opposed to tiiis most 
vicious practice unalterably. Her reas()ns are on a 
strict aesthetic basis, and need no further expound- 
ing because various organizations throughout the 
country such as the Dill Tickle club et .il lunc 
pointed them out so ably. Ilowevei-. we would like 
to add a few more points lo he used in the war 
against my Lady Nicotine. 

In the first place, some males among our aciiuain- 
tance smoke onlj- one brand, "Other People's To- 
bacco," and theii- ravages on our supply of fags con- 
tinue daily despite our imprecations, insults and 
other unjjrintable epithets. Imagine then the state 
of our feelings when we have safely got out of the 
house with an enjoyable co-ed for compainon (udy 
to discover that she likes to use the same brand, O. 
V. T., and she i)roceeils to smoke you out of hou.se 
and home. Such a practice is nothing short ot 
vicious. 

There, aesthetically speaking, they hold the fags 
most awkwardly between their dainty lingers, taking 
a putt' cautiously with mounth jtainfully screwed uji; 
this is followed by the choking and reddening pro- 
cess that renders them temporarily inaudible, the 
only redeeming feature of the whole business. 

Again, nicotine stains are not at all prettifying. 
The Siren favors all efforts to abolish smoking for 
women, and espouses every movement against it 
most heartily. Someday if they learn to smoke well, 
they may have her support but, not before. 



-S- 



Lew Dockstader, nnnstrel. slijijicd and fell in 
New Jersey recently and rattled his bones consid- 
erably. 

S 

Just a few more weeks and gardeners will be 
making two weeds grow where one grew befoi'c. 




r 15] 



SIREN 



HAR! HAR! 

A Page of Heh-Heh's by Don Allen 



If frnsoliiio fjocs to ;i dullar nml :i IkiIC :i jiiillmi, 'riicic :iic iiliuiit 1 10, (100, (100 jicoplo in tliis cmili- 
sliocmakcrs will laujili lliciiiscUcs to (Icnili. Iiy w lio wish llicv wcit' soiiicoiic else. 
S S 

( "iviliziitioii is s]»i'e:ulinf;. In .lapnn a haschall rciliaps the "jiMitrr in Newark, ("onn., who sells 

nin]iire iccenlly ^ol licked. ejij;s \>y the yard sells .spaghetti hy the dozen. 

( Iciiii.iHy is sendin<i us <'anai\ liiids iiiiich to Ihc The Kenttieky man who stole an auto to go 

delighi ot American cats. viding, will go nowhei-e now tor six months. 

S S 

.\u (»liio man grafted skin of a chicken on his .lohn llannilin of Milwaukee has been a detective 

dogs hack and now the dog can go cliase himself. for :'.S years, imagine lieing lialllecl for that length 

S of time. 

King (leorge new grandson is called Prince S 

e.xceid when he cries in the middle of the night. Some men are Incky. A Fhn-ida alligator hit olf 

S a man's wooden leg. 

The lirst sign of s])ring in Jlicliigan was when S = 

a man, Td. said he thought he would many again. A Tennessee nuinntaineer is IL'O years old. "What 

S an awful lot of tobacco to chew. 

\\'\\i> says higher education doesn't pay'.' Yale ■ S 

students recently voted that tlu'y had rather mairy Its sti-aiige how such good looking complexions 

women with jobs. can come out of such slo]ipy looking vanity bo.xes. 

A Te.xas man who iidierited a milli.ni .lollars. <>"•' "ice thing about haviug a wife is thai she 

([uit work and bought an automobile ... so he may :ilways thinks some one else wants you. 

soon be back at work. ^ 

^ lioys leave farms because you don't have to get 

,. , . . , ,.>,,,. , ,. lip ;it ilav break to uel niilk out of a liollle in the 
\alentino is sni)i)osed to get -NiO. ()()() a week lor 

citv. 

dancing, which is enough to make anyone dance. " 

Q 

' A giant cobra in Xew York Zoo shed its skin. 

London ("op is singing in graml ojiera. The T]„.y ^^ill skin anybody in that town. 

I?ritish give their jiolice niore authority than we give ^ 



""I'"*- Five sailors di-owiied off Sandy Hook because the 

^ nearest laud was a lude away Jiml tinderneath them. 

Keceut discoveries indicate that the Indians S 



built a great civiliz.i I ion before deciding that it In .Michigan .'0 ]iajaiM,i clad girls ]iut out a tire 

wasn't anv use. and now no house in town is safe. 



The young jiror's room mate had just breezed in. BOASTING! 

Anticipating his (piery the prof said, "What're you Kissing affects the mind, dear Top 

looking for'.' " She cooed in accents lazy. 

"Nothing, er — er." began the other. Said I ".My dear, if that's the case 

"Then keep on looking. I've tried to lind it. Then lioth of us are crazy." 
myself." — I'op A. Cowe. 

[16] 



SIREN 




^ 



M5K<WM6R 



("iiiii|iliim'nl lor yon. 

What ? 

Susie says yon <;ot acnte in(lii;os'ion. 

S 

To Dorothy — A Sonnet 

1 niijilit liiivt' tolil y<)\i. yon aic vei'v fair 
(1 could have saiii as nnicli ami known it Irnci 
1 iniijht have Irhmi nincli nicer. Dot. to you 
(I wish I had; j)erlia])s 1 ilidn'l darel 
1 niijiht have told yon. ycni have jiretly eyes 
(I always liked Iheni. l)ro\vn willi dancinj; Iii;h1 I 
I wish that we had danceil Tor jnsi one night 
(I am conceited; yet, liiat's no surprise) 
But still we playe<l and laughed and lalked eacli d 
And ground out coiiy lor tlie •■diriy slieel" 
And oftenlinies yon lu-onglil iK'annls to eat 
And brightened up an (trdinary day. 
But now you've gone an<l left ine where we jilayeil 
It's Sluing ami nice ami (ice, I wish yon'd stayed 
- David \'. l'"elts. 



Reincarnation 

(EniToit's NoTK : \V<- had jiisl h<<ii Liddiiu/ her 
(ihoill sonic fciii'niiiir foililfx. and irr iiiiixl liiirc hriii 
harsh; appcudid is ]iir coiiiihiick.) 
Reincarnation is a myth 
Yet sonu^how I forsec 
The time when this my life shall cease 
To join eternity. 

And then another life I'll start 
Let's think: what shall I be'? 
l'erha])s a worm, a flower, a bird, 
Perhaps a cedar tree. 

'Tis queer I cannot tell my fate 
No matter how I try 
But yon — misogynist, dear boy. 
Your picture haunts my eye. 

You will not he a worm or flower 
Or even cedar tree, 
Nor yet a dinosaiir or man. 
Can I tell you what I see'? 

You'll be a little chigger. kid. 
With biting tongue of red, 
The sting remains and yet at this 
You'll always lose your head 
As Now. 

—Tank. 



Reformed 




[17] 



SIREN 



Good Afternoon 

I lijl h'lljdll) 

"Geewliiz. will this class never end ... Ill lid 
she'.s late, al I hat . . . wonder it she'll wear hei' Idiie 

. . . wi:li,. it .mkiiit wk financed in skv- 

KH.\T, W.KVS .Ml il. All U . . . jieewhiz. why 
don"I lie '^\\c a I'l'lldw a cliance? . . . half past; 
twenty niiniiies more: and then another live; or 
nuiyi.e ten . . . ID ISSII': MOKTGAtJK BONDS 
. . . well. whaTs wronj; with that? . . . he doesn't 
know his stiilV . . . like to see him uiil in linsiness 
. . . thank the Lord, there };oes the hell . . . wonder 
if Jiiy hair is eond.ed . . . HELLO BOYS; NO. 
OOTTA CLASS . . . Oii. li.'lio there . . . gee, you're 
jiettin^ prettier every day . . . let's hurry so we can 
<;et a liuoth . . . nialt'n a niiikshalce. and say, bring 
some matches, will ya |ileas(> . . . well, watcha do 
today . . . yeah"? . . . here, I'll light it for you . . . 
yeah . . . here conies someone . . . noisy bunch, ain't 
they; that's Hally and her gaug of literati . . .why 
not; whadyou care if it's crowded"? . . . let's wan- 
der ... is my hair combed . . . where's the bill . . . 
'lo Larry, hi Hoofty . . hello I<]ddie . . hello Ruth Ann 
. . . howareya Jake . . . gee, I haven't been this far 
south since our last date . . . yeah . . . oh, I don't 
know . . . why didn't you tell him you had a date 
. . . did she? . . . can't you break it? . . . gee, I gotta 

crack a book oi' I'll flunk out yeah . . . lookut 

the H. O. T. ('. drilling; ]i<)or guys, I did that once 
. . . are gills ever reviewed at that ])a\ilion? .... 

another 

Our prof, pulled a wize crack in I'hllosophy today; 
said "HUME made me what I am today" . . . yeah? 
. . . gee, is it that late? .... well, goodbye, I'll give 
you a buzz soon; don't forget Saturday night . . . 
. . . huh? whatya mean two bits fine for being late 
for dinner . . . had a make up quizz . . . aw, bunk. 



TJic young cii-cd s.-il next lo her caller on tile 
sorority d.ucnpoii. 1 1 was spring, for (he young 
man's fancy li.-id inrncd as is custoni. 'I'licy wliis- 
jiered in the darkiu'ss. and tiic girl answered: "Say 
it with flowers." 

The next dav lillics were delivered. 




WTOS R.EPAIiLED 

TUV THfc 

COVL' 5YSTEM 



Day by Day, In evecy way, 




You AK.=E GiTTIHGr 




f^ETTER.- AHJ> JtTTER^ 



Concerning Frieda 



In prose and print 
I rant against the 
Lovelorn, those who moon 
For amatorj- epistles from the 
Girl 

Back home 

Or who roam the country- 
side of an 

Evening with their soul 
Mates. Cynic, I 
Berate them and they 
Curse me for my 
Revilings. 
By Gar, if Frieda 
Were at school I wouldn't 
Be sitting here 
Now writing hymns of 
Hate against those 
Whose loved ones are within 
Walking distance. 



S. O. S. 



[18] 



SIREN 




/^GGRAU<q>l(N ?(\P(\ 



Train Schedules 

I wrote her 

To sow all licr wilil oats 

Before Jiiiie 

AVIieii 

I gradual e. 

She aii.swerc(l iiiilijiiiaiill_\ ; 

"I am goliij; to 

Sow all iiiy wild oats 

With you.'' 

J wonder if the fi ::.'.") 

will he on time 

Tonight. 






— S. C). s. 



-S- 



Book worms are so boring. 

Little girl: But mama, he said he was a lish. 
Mother: He said what? 

Little girl: The new hired man said he was a 
Finn. 



Historia-Eventus 

( By Saint-Orpiu'iim) 
(Note: — I'rofc/isar Oi(ii(hlfiin/ii\ linul of lln 
Histori/ Dcpiirtinciit, ufirr dclriin/ iiilo llir innidlx 
of lllhioin' toirn.'^, xiihuiittcd the jollonniuj bullcthi.) 

Areola — Named after the (ddest brother of tiie 
Cola family, Ar, who gave the money to import the 
first pool table. His brother, Tiis, settled Tuscola. 

Assumption — Really incorporated in LS^fi under 
the name of C'onstimption. A prairie schooner full 
of T. B. victims broke au axle here. Everybody 
stayed, got cured, and then renanu'd tlie handet 
Assumption. 

(ll(niiiJ(li(/ii — .More liliiHJ dates in tiiis luwii liian 
in any other town in (lie 1'. S.. iricspeil i\(> of size. 

r/(/rf///«— Population r),()()(»,()0(). (iood road 
sliows hit this place occasionally. Mary Garden, 
who is named after Mary (Jarden perfume, lives 
liere, and is said to have originated, "If I luid a 
(laughter I would not let her go to Illinois." 

Jfrrriii — Next to Chicago in the shinglitering in- 
dustry. 

Jolict — Wonderful state prison here which keeps 
the entire town employed, chasing escaped convicts. 
Some of the rooms are better than those offered by 
certain fraternity houses at the University of 
Illinois. 

Muttooii — Lincoln had dinner here December 1"), 
1850. Here it was that Abe first told of his walking 
ten miles to return to a cuslomer a nickel, whinn he 
had short changed at tlie grocery. Records show 
that the customei- liought two do/-, herrings and a 
(|1. of .sauerkratit. Tire I'oik and saucer wliicli tlie 
Emanipator u.scd are in ,i stale of ]ierfect preserva- 
ti<.n. 

yiiint ClKirhs — On tlie l'"o\ River. First fox 
hunt in state had here in fall of "Tit. One IiouikI run 
but no foxes run down. 

I rhaim — Vachel Lindsay (Uice visited here and 
gave a talk on "Me and My Toems."' Everybody, 
though, was under the impression that he was Carl 
Sandburg since the nmster of ceremonies, doing his 
best to be ultra-modern and eccentric, had his mouth 
crammed fidl of pea-nut brittle when he introduced 
"the pride of Spi-ingtield." 

S 

The last thing in the world we would expect a 
reform movement to be — is a dance stej). 

Sometimes a vice president is just that! 

It is rumored that one of the members of the 
fencing team is leading a du.il lite. 



[19] 



SIREN 



Ballade of Suicide 

I 1 'j.\i\ -.1 hciiiiicn r(i|M' shoii lime •^itiic liv : 

lis nice :iiiil iii'W :iihI lit In Ikmt my \:\\\ : 

Till' ]irirt' (>r I'diiil is WAV ii|i ill I lie sl<\ ; 

I l:iil 1(1 liiid ;i play llial iNn's mil \t::\\ : 

And iiia^a/.iiics . . . hoc Craiic wi-ili's lui- llicm al 

1,(1 cxciy |ilacc I >io tlic jazz liaiids |>l<iy 

'I'iic asses hi-ay and wild l('<i|iaiils call .... 

.\ml s.. I tiiink Til liaii- myscir liiday. 

Tills is a jdvlcss land sn dull . . . sn cliy ! 

N<i loiificr may I i|ualV ilic iiimldcrs tail 

Of lordly litiiior: ami ii<i imnc may I. 

I•^)I• fifty cents licludd a i;amc nf liall. 

Siimc |isycliic speaker holds each lecliiie hall: 

I lia\(' a lialiadasherV hill lo |iay ; 

.My landlady won'l slaiid anolher stall .... 

.\nd so 1 think I'll hani: myself today. 

The only slyle the clothiers sujiply 
.\fe cut in at the waist, absurdly small 
And ill liei-onie a j;anj>linu;, <jracidess <;tiy. 
>.'e.>;t month there'll he a Music Festival . . . 
Two weeks or more of that infernal scpiall .... 
And so I think 111 lian- myself today. 

I'rincess this is no place for folly's thrall 
This world to (ball reformers all a |ir(y: 
There's a convenient hook ii|i(iii my wall .... 
.\nd so I think I'll hani; myself today. 

Don Allen. 



-S- 



When tln-y are freshmen 
Tliey take '•No" on the jHircli 
After the dance. 
As sophs their nnderjjradiiate 
Criticisms in the T'ni daily- 
Help ma<; eds on their way 
To Kankakee. 
While -luniors they 
Pass their time admirinj; 
Their doggy looks in I heir 
Class caps. 
Worst of all. 
As Seniors they say. "The 
Fi'ateriiity will po t<i the 
Canines 

When our class 
Graduates." 

S. (). S. 





1 








% 




p^ 




iini: What's a caviar sandwich'.' 
I>andy: Oh, something on the ori 
taiirant. 

S ■ 

Goddess's 

Hail! Dour I'riscilla. 

Hail! l>anie Soiirface. 

Puritan .Maidens lend your grace; 

Turn your menacing grimace; 

Whirl your pantellets of lace; 

At each terrilile embrace. 

At oiir reckless Hell-bent pace . . . 

Take your place, take your place. 

Hail! Dour Priscilla. 

Hail ! Dame Soiirface. — 



■r of a res- 



-D. C. A. 




rtd- 



A iiote<l after dinner speaker. 



[20] 



SIREN 







^upe. t.«-, '^.d the on| ^,,u 



This book-shaped box bound , 
in green and gold has a list of / 
contents inside the cover differ- / 
ing from any other package / 
It has proved an assortment per- / 
fectly selected for many tastes. 
', , The Library Package is an ap- 
■ ' ; propriate gift for many folks 
and many occasions. 



nut „, "'stim-r 

^' 'heir fcesf V 'f '^^orit ' r. ""• ='- 



C^H^««CHOco, 








Jy^WaVBVV/lftlVil'K /ifV u'lLi^it'lL* ^ 



,'^!AV.^''^^MV«VAV.Vx\VAVA\V^.>'AVA\Vifi&yS 



IKBANA 

University lMiarm:)cy. 70") S. (Soodwiii 
Urbana Drug Co., 111 West Maiu «t. 



CHAJJrAIGN 

Joliii Sflmler & Vik 
Arcade ConlVctiouery (J. Tlioiuliill i 



[21] 



SIREN 



Concerning Progress 



"He lit a cigarette." 
II 
LOVE 
iU-ai- Mr. Sniitli. 
\)viiv diaries. 
My Own Deal" Charlie. 
Dear Cliai-les. 
Dear Mr. Sniitli. 

Ill 

SCHOLASTIC PEOCRESS 

First report. 
"E" 



LITIOUAin IMtOC.KESS 
.\t one cent a word: 

•He lit a cigarette." 
A I twenty-five cents a word: 

"Holding the dainty morsel to his yi\>s he 

l)ronght the jewel of flame to its end. and then 

slowly exhaled the fragrance of a perfect 

smoke." 
At fifty cents a word : 

"He regarded tlie liny while goddess in his 

palm, she was exiiuisile . . . wonderful. He Second report. 

conld see the beanlifnl veiled woman in the fac- ••{'," 

lory where she was fashioned . . . Tnrkisli I'liird re|iort. 

beauties longing for love. Me slowly pressed "D" 

lier lii)s to his and lit her with a pigmy toi-eli Final. 

of Venus; the smoke curled up like incense "Of course you were doing n.icely for a while 

before a pagan altar, through its thin film he but youi- work fell off so towards the end that 

could see the jiriestess's dancing a sensons we could hardly . . . ." 

dance with wild abandon." — Don Allen. 

When he arri\ed . . . One dollar a word. " — and then some one stole the car." 






T. M. Bacon & Son 

PAINTS 

WINDOW GLASS 

AUTO GLASS 

MIRRORS 
WALL PAPER 

n n 

Corner- Walnut iV Tayloi- Sts. 
I'hone liUn 



I 
I 



— ._.„_„_„,_.„_,._.._„_™ .,_.„_.._._„._.,_„_„_^ 



MAYTIME 



IS 



[22] 



Golf Time 



MacCregor C.olf Clubs are the 
recoyni/A'd Leaders. 



Bert Spaulding's 

(ii-een St. Pharmacy 

. . — . „ „_.„_„_,._,._„_.._„_,._„_.._™ — + 



SIREN 



Ossifer: "Here, iiinii — pull yourself togetlici- 
iiud go home before I have to tall the wagon."" 

Hicaster: "His — My (iawd — hie — have I conic 
to pieces?" — Muf/iniiuji. 



Frater: "Are you giviiij; ,i spring 
year?" 

Nity : "No, the toddle is |)asse." 



dance tills 




He (noticing diaiicd ]iiii i : "Siiiatter, someone 
die? 

Yes, Founder dead. 
Oh, found "er dead. 



Field Artillery Instructor: "The Field Artillery 
is divided into two classes: Materiel, and Person 
nel. In which class is horses?" 

Bright soph: "Aniniell !"" 



^ilano 

Iifth/[]Jenue*sEiJorUePtpe 

"There is something 
fine about it 

$5^andup WmDEMUTHsC). 

at the better 

smoke shops NEW YORK 



A Hartmann Wardrobe Trunk is as 
Good as an Extra Closet 



We have sold a nundier of tliese to university women and 
men who appreciate the extra closet s]iace they proviilc. In a 
small compact space, the size of a Hartmann wardrobe, you can 
keep an amazingly liig lo( of things. 

Viiv instance in this special (>n(> illustrated here, there are 
ten hangei-s, four large drawers, slioc liox, place for hats and all 
other items in your wardrobe. The Hartmann has the s|>eci,i' 
patented (lihralteriz-ed construction with reinforced i-ounded 
edges and corners, brass i)late reinforcement, steel hardware, 
^.ile lock. vubMiiized tibre covering, veloiir cushion cover, the 
greatest trunk value of the vear at .¥;{!»..")(». 




W.Lewis 5^ Co. 






[2:5 






SIREN 



rsa^^ams^aK^a^ 



MAKE YOUR SALADS WITH 



f^ 



%1 



OLIVEOIL 



imported trom 
NICE.Fpance 



jOilVilili' 



IGHEST QUALITY 



Mf^iiiiMiiMSil 



Aiuly — Does ymir npoiiiiiialc i)l:iy "( ";iri)liii;i in 
tilt! ^Moniiiig"? 

Kalph — Not only ilicii, Imi all .irtcriKioii and 
('\ciiiiif; too I — T'Kjiy. 



Hit the Ball 



I 'P 



riial's cxariU wiial wc an- ■ 
1 (loin-. ' ! 

! j 

I Wilson Official I 
I Base Balls j 

I $16.00 per doz. | 



I No IJotlcr Ball Maile \ 

I We Cai'i'v Evcivtliin^ for I 

I 'Bascbafl I 

I I 

I Knowlton and \ 



Bennett 

Urbana 



I 

1 ~ I 

I Wv LnuJ ill Ih-rri/ l/iiir Wr \ 

j CillTjl I 



^oiJ thirst- 



You score extra points with this bottle or glass 
Drink 





Delicious 

and 

Refreshing 




The Coca-Cola Co., Atlanta. Gs 



[24] 



SIREN 



Single Copies of The Siren are 
always on sale at the following 
places: 



Unircrsil )/ Dislrici : 

U. of I. Supply Store (Co-op) 
Green Street rharuiacy 
Engineer's Co-op 

University Pharmacy — Goodwin Ave. 
Idol Inn 

Chuinpaiyn: 

Ininan Hotel & Drng Store 
Mollett and Woller 
Swannell's Drug Store 

Uihauu : 

Joe'.s I'lace 

Leslie's Music Store 



IE 


' ' """""■ 


^ 










Kfi^ 


I 
F 


^AT5 FOR^OUNG P1E^ 

^TAey Retain i 

. BERG & CO., NewYor 


M^' 

the Style L,i?7es L,o?ige/-'" 

K, Boston, San Francisco Factory Orange, N.J. 






This one 

extra 
process 

dives a 
delightful 
quality that 
cannot be 
duplicated 




GiiaMttf ee<l hy 



Pil 

ill 



. 1 MCORPORAiT ED 




M 



I 25] 



SIREN 



. — . ,. — .. — » .. . — . + AIIIiiiii;j1i till' ilicliiiii.-irN' coiilains aliiuist evcry- 

i 

1 lliiii^. i( li.isii'l iiiucli about aiiytliiug. 



Fashioned for the 
Fastidious 



'I'liis can lie said nl' 
all (.r ('ai-s..ii"s ("ol 
|,..u.> Clothes. Tlu 
mail who is ])ai-tiiMi 
lar will apiivt'ciati 
the slylc ill ToiiiV 

Sickiri itr 

Jl',sirril 

Shi lis 

1 1 (lis 

Cups 




I The sun kisi niil lioin ( 'aliluriiia hasii'l aii.v(lii:':4 

I on ihc son kissed maiden Irom Illinois. 



j The i;i-ealesl icroiiii mo\ciiieiil on llie cainpils 

I lakes place in the eori-eelive j;.vm. 



j I am the most haled oT eamims conditions. I am 

i the love ol' all .\iiti's. I am diseussed in the papers, 

I laiifihed at liv sliiileiils. the killer of joy. tile cause 

i of pi-oliiliitioii, the essence of blue laws and Woinen^ 

I Leaj;iie rules. 1 am the reaction to gossii), tiie blood- 

! hound of sill. I am the ambition of failures, the 

I reason for pardons. 1 am UEFOK.M. 



-S- 



Sl ITS j 

Tailored-to-Fit j ,„^, because a i;iil wears clocks on her hose, yon 



Carson ^^s up 



-8- 



(\)lleye Clothes 
530 E. Green St. 



There's many a sliii between the cup and Ihe 
fraternity mantle. 






GRGRLBB £ CO 

^^, ENGRAVEftS -i 
" , CHAMPAIGN, "" 
ILLINOIS. ^ 



For Lower Prices on Text 
Books & Supplies 



THE 

REAL 
CO-OP 



"Owned and operated by the j 
students" i 



.1. I\. Lixni.KV, 

Sliidfiil Mti ii<i(/<r 



Mathews .S: I 
Bonevard I 



.,,4. +.. 
[26 1 






SIREN 



ON THE WIRE 
Rrrrrr i-n-g. 
"Hello. Fraternity?" 
"Is Harold tiiere?" 
"No." 

"Is Dave?" 
"I'm afraid not." 
"Then Joe?" 
"I'm sorry." 

"Well, I'm awfnlly lonesome. AA'on't yon come 
over ?" 

"Ah — thanks !" 

"By the way, who is this?" 

"The janitor." 

BANG! —Pitt Panther. 



-S- 



Samho — Mandy, can I kiss you? 
Mandy — Piggly Wiggly. 
Sambo — What you all mean? 
Mandy — ep yo'self. — Sun Dodger. 
"How is it that I haven't seen you in church 
Intcly?" 

"\Miv, mv dear, I haven't been there." — Bison. 



-H- 



For real home cooking at 
reasonable prices 

TRY 

Gilliland Cafeteria 

Urbana 







THE ORIGINAL 



Ask for and get — 

Horlick's 

There is a reliability 
and satisfaction in 
securing the Origin- 
al-Genuine product 
at fountains, that no 
imitation affords. 



Food-drinks 


of delicious 


and original flavor. Popu- | 


larized bv 


its tuiiform 


(luality for < 


ver ouc-third 


i)f .1 centui-y 




Refreshes at the fountain. 


Sustains and invigorates 


the student 


and athlete. 


A convenient luncheon on | 


your war to 


vonr room at 


night, or at 


nthci- times. 


Purchase Jars and Flasks 


ill Powder 


and Lunch 


Tablet 


forms 


AVOID IMITATIONS 



.4. +.. 

I I 

I I 

1 I 

I I 

! I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

1 I 

I I 

i I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

I I 



1 1 
I I 

i i 



Deacon Brown was seen 

yesterday chasing a skirt. Noth- 
ing -wrong about this. It blew 
off his wife's clothes line. The 
best clothes line in town i s 
found at — 



I i 





Always a Large Variety of Food to 


5 
1 


^ 




Choose From 


1 
1 




^.- 


™ . 


1 


71 



SHOP^on MEN 

Rialto Theatre Building 



SIREN 



t— 

I 

I 

I 

i 
I 

I 

I 






Springtime 
Delicacies 



<> 

Fresh Lime Freeze 

Fresh Strawberry 
Sundae 

<> 

The Apollo 
Confectionery 

MorVIOS BROS. 

URBANA 



"Daddy, what is a better half?" 
"A figure of speech, dear." — Judgo. 






most (liscriiii 



Why .lu 111 

iimtiiij; iicrsons cIioosl'- 



Stude: "My car is out being re. 

paired, so I'm going to take a street ! 

car home to-night." I 

Stewed: "Gosh, you musht have a j ^^/^r%i 1 1/>v* T^V/^C 

big garash!" — Sun Dodger. | Ov^llUllCl 131 V/0» 



TEARABLE 

"Three hairnets, please." 
"What strength?" 
"Two dances and a car ride." 
Dial. 



THE DICKENS YOU DON'T! 

"Did you see Oliver Twist, Aunty?" 
"Hush, child. You know I never 

attend those modern dances." — Pitt. 

Panther. 



22's Keenest — How did you get that 
wonderful wavy hair. Bob? 

OO's Pride — Turning somersaults on 
a corrugated roof in my youth, m'dear. 
— Orange Owl. 



4., — 
4. — I, 



when they wish to serve 
ci-eam to their j;;iiests? 



Are yon a j-ood judge, can 
you tell when Ice (h-eam i.s 
made of pure cream or sub- 
.stitutes, or when glucose is 
used in place of ])ure cane 
sugar ? 



If not then oiir naiiie ii 
your protection. 






A New Service 



Wv take all your house linens, rugs, cur- 
tains ami drapes and store them through 
the summer for you. 

Fully insured while in our care. 

A While Line 1(1(1 percent Service. 



n D 



I I 
I I 
I I 
I I 
1 I 
I I 



I I 

I i 

= s 

I I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

§ 9 

I I 

i I 

I I 



I I 



The White Line Laundry 

i'Kl':SSKKS 
Kl»! SIIAiirooiOHS 



.Main 4(IC. 






I I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

I I 

.Miihird & Snvder I I 

I I 

4 +, 

[2S 1 



Look Us Over 



We're really quite protid of our modern, 
sanitary plant, and always feel rather hon- 
ored and delighted when a party calls on us 
and asks to he taken through. 

'riic Cliampaign Ice Cream Company's 
plant is tlioroughly up-lo-the-minute, and 
the many processes that enter into the man- 
ufacture of our ]iroduct are interesting and 
enlightening. 

We're "'At home" everv day I 



<s> 



Champaign Ice Cream Co. 



Phones: Main IT.") - Main 17(; 



i 



'•l^BJirr EXPEP-lMENTiyc WITH 




CARtfETT IN THE RJOTAL SOCIETrf 
^ 



The First Electrochemist 




^ITROUS oxide, accord- 
ing to the science of a 
century ago, was "the 
principle of contagion when re- 
spired by animals in the minutest 
quantities." Mere say-so. 

Imaginative yet skeptical Hum- 
phrey Davy, who believed in ex- 
periment rather than in opinion, 
"respired" it and lived. 

It was this restless desire to test 
beliefs that made him one of the 
founders of modern science. Elec- 
tricity was a new force a century 
ago. Davy used it to decompose 
potash, soda, and lime into potas- 
sium, sodium, and calcium, thus 
laying the foundations of electro- 
chemistry. With a battery of two 
thousand plates he produced the 
first electric arc — harbinger of 
modern electric illumination and 
of the electric furnace. 

Czar Alexander I and Napoleon 
met on a raft to sign the Treaty of 
Tilsit while Davy was revealing 



the effects of electricity on matter. 
"What is Europe?" said Alexan- 
der. " We are Europe." 

The treaty was at that time an 
important political event, framed 
by two selfish monarchs for the sole 
purpose of furthering their per- 
sonal interests. Contrast with it 
the unselfish efforts of Sir Hum- 
phrey Davy. His brilliant work 
has resulted in scores of practical 
applications of electrolysis in in- 
dustry and a wealth of chemical 
knowledge that benef