-ja THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS LIBRARY C If(buLa€.t v.^l C^'Z FiiESHnAn nUtlBER. "I'lii \tii'n\ exira if inv jioiiit «;rts rlcMMi OK's — I |»ay a forft-il iCit lail.s to earn llirni all" Every l^noioUl earns a Bonus or a Penalty So our gradiKttv jH'ii inafnTs Lik<> 2 Vi-nn for Ili4' l*ri4M' of Oii«^ i!^ ihis Convi-rllMc Duofold III ^ our Porki't — i)ii ^ our Desk The Saint I'eii with tlie Same Point — tihcttys yttitr favorite Freshman Number '^^ ai\ ro'o,-i. Welcome Freshmen To all you new men and women, at Illinois, we extend a hearty welcome. May your days here be pleasant and profitable. We invite you to visit The Co-op and get acquainted. This great college store carries all you will need in your classes, at lowest prices. Buy Here With Safety For 31 years we have satisfied Illini Text books, new or used, stationery, gym and athletic supplies, fountain pens, electrical supplies, college jewelry, toiiet articles, laundry mailing boxes, architects and engineers supplies, botany, zoology and science supplies. I-P LEATHER NOTE BOOKS— BRIEF CASES Fixings for Your Room — Desk Blotters, Waste Baskets, Alarm Clocks, Desk Lamps, Light Bulbs, Pennants, Etc. Our book room contains the best of fiction, biography, travel, art, gift books, etc. THE CO-OP 807653 The SIREN Here*s a chap right in the middle oF a dilemma The Irony of Date You pledge a fraternity because you think it is the way to meet all the good femmes, and the second night in the house you get rung in on a blind date. You decide to go because you haven't anything to do anyhow, ami its best to keep on the good side of the deah brethren. Her eyes are green like a cat's in tlie ilaik, and her nails haven't been manicured for at least three months. Her clothes are of the 1925 style, and so is she for that matter. You find her towering two inches above you, ami feel humiliateil at being seen with such an animal. Then you mimic making love to her, for your con- science's sake, and she wants to scream. She refuses you and tells you that she doesn't kiss strange boys. And then when you get home, you're told that she is captain of the Goucher hockey team, member of Upsky Fluey Sorority, president of the student council, and was elected most popular girl on the campus! — John I lopk'ins Black and Blue Jay. The stars we spy on Broadway, Expensive are to see ; But the stars on high, no one can buy, Yet one can see them free. — Neil' York University Medley. Dated up for a keen week-end, everything going great and then he missed his smart Rosen's sack suit. F"oolish he admits, leaving such a "smooth" new suit within grabbing distance of a roommate with taking ways. Too bad — the next best thing to owning a Rosen's suit, is to own two or of course try to borrow one. Freshman : Wonder why they put window shades on the co-ed dorms? Ex-Freshman: To keep the street lights from shining in the girls' eyes, why did you suppose? — Pitt Panther. —Smart Suits —Clever, Long Topcoats ^■p ^^m and m Rosens I V'Mens Stylists "And was your room-mate inspired by his conversation with the Dean?" "Yes, he was fired with enthusiasm!" — Harvard Lampoon. I guess I'll join the captains of industry or finance, Or lead the world's great movements. At least in town improvements. C.A. M Ff S— 1 )0\V NTOWN I'll be a brilliant artist A Bach, Millet, del Sartist, I betcha I'll even get of? pro. — Pelican. Freshman Number It took something more than book learning to lick this cyclone A cyclone twists its destructive way through the West . . . telephone lines go down . . . communication must be restored . . . page Western Electric! CL There's a rear'kick"i*n meeting and heating such emergencies. It calls for scientific manage- ment, of course, the sort of knowledge you can get from books and training. But over and above that comes the sudden demand for resourcefulness, man-sized ability, sheer grit. CLTo supply the telephone companies of the Bell System with everything needed to give service, Western Electric carries on a dependable, nation-wide system of distribution. A vast uudertakins: — vet only one of this company's varied functions, up <>" nauon-.imeof Western Electric Manufacturers. Purchasers X^istributors SINCE 18U2 hul' ^Jr rUE BELL SYSTEM The SIREN Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Office at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Address all com- munications, Illinois Union Building. Champaign, Illinois. Copyright, 1930, by The Siren. Exclusive reprint rights granted to G)llgcHUmOr magazine. Contents COVER Lou Ruskin Cartoon, by Penil Mead 6 Have One on Me!, by A I Niess 7 So This Is College, by Joyce Neubill 10 Jtinlor's Krror 15 1 luiiior Most Everywhere Freshman Number INKLINGS from Ye Editor's Pen FUTILITY OF A FACULTY The faculty! Should we have one, and why? Every year at this time, this old question comes to the ears of the editors of campus publications. It is an old question, and it is our opinion that it should be answered at once, if not sooner. We believe that this University is not in need of a faculty. The stu- dents already have five faculties — taste, smell, touch, sight and hearing; and for the sake of convenience and economy we see no reason to support a teaching faculty. It is one of the most expensive of the possible six faculties, and gives the least enjoy- ment. Tasting this, that, or maybe the other is pleasant to the male stu- dents three times a day; and to our ladies of the campus, as often as their escorts care to provide this type of entertainment for them to enjoy. Smelling is not always enjoyable in the chem building but few of the leaders of our University's social life will deny that smelling perfume or powder is, indeed, pleasing. Touch is a minor faculty, but it leads us into few difficulties. On the other hand, we must have touched. An attempt to do away with it would greatly disrupt our every day life; doing away with the teaching faculty would tend to speed up our drab routine into a cycle of pleasure. Sight and hearing can also be considered in the same manner as touch — with the only addition of pleasure on bright windy days due to the sight faculty. The teaching faculty, we find, has few good points. It has been .said, by some self-asserted authorities, as being the reason for our being here, but to this statement we must take exception. Football and other sports bring a major share of our students. The Stein song, with the help of Rudy Valee, has increased the enroll- ment of the University of Maine by five hundred per cent. We therefore think that before the teaching faculty causes us great dis- tress by giving out examination questions, that the students of the University of Illinois should decide definitely whether or not to abolish the faculty. We do not wish you to rush, or hurry to a conclusion ; rather we would have you talk it over among yourselves, your parents, and vour professors. S NEXT MONTH The second issue of this, the Illi- nois Siren, will be a Fraternity num- ber. It will be just as local and typically Illini as it is possible to make it. Wc do not intend to go "Neiv Yorker" or ultra modern ns so many humor magazines have done re- cently. In the coming number, we will in- troduce for the first time two new feature pages. A Madame X page will contain all of the dirt on campus characters that can be gathered. To aid in the collection, plans have been made for an elaborate spy system which will patrol the campus day and night. Besides its collosal structure, the dean's spy .system fades into in- significance. The second new feature will be a movie page. In it you will find ad- vance dope on what shows to see and why. Pictures of your favorite screen stars will be printed from time to time. S The sofa sagged in the center; The shades were pulled just so; The family had retired The parlor light burned low. There came a sound from the sofa As the clock \\'as striking two. And the student slammed her text book. With a thankful, "Well, I'm through." — Juggler. BE INDEPENDENT Freshmen — you whom the campus ever welcomes with open arms, must be cautious of the advice which even your best friends offer to you. Always rely upon the sound and conscientious efforts made for your welfare by the only reliable source of information on the campus — the Siren. When you are being rushed, you will be given certain cards bearing the rules and regulations covering that period. Pay no attention to such restrictions since they were made merely to prevent you from associat- ing with those whom you wish. Re- member that this is a free country. After you are pledged, as you surely will be, disregard the brethrens orders to wear the traditional green spot, whenever j'ou are out of the house, and use your own judgment, wearing it only when you please. Everyone admires a man who is in- dependent. Registration is governed by a num- ber of foolish and absurd laws which you must learn to overlook. Joke and chat with the clerks as they are al- ways appreciative of something fresh and lively. It relieves the customary monotony. Your instructni' will, from force of habit, give a lecture at the first meet- ing of the class on what to do and what not to do. He does not mean a word of it, and only gives it to save himself the trouble of having to pre- pare something in advance to tell you. So it is in clubs and organizations and other places about the Univer- sity. Laws were made to be broken, and it is only those who have the courage to do as they please who will enjoy life to the fullest. As a last word of coimsel, keep your copy of this publication at hand where you can easily refer to it when you want the very best advice that can be given on all phases of college life. The SIREN 'IS SOMETHING WRONG, JEEVES?" Freshman Number have one on me ! Perpetrated by AL NIESS The art of drinking is, without doubt, the oldest organized art in existence. It all started the day that Noah and the rest of the boys were whooping it up on the Nile. Jonah's Delicatessen was floating in beer when in walked Mrs. Noah. "Noah! Come here, I'll have noah more of this," said this half of the domestic problem. "Where did you get that stuff?" The janitor mopped up the floor, and picked up Noah's beard from out the gaboon. and took it home to dis- till it. Noah parked the ark in front of his bungalow and staggered after his wife. The first step was high, Noah fell, and not being able to make the grade, he whispered, "I'll climb this wall if it takes all night." The boys will never forget Noah's lark and the flood that came after. » * # * * Even Mark Anthony fell a victim to the vice of drink. He and Julius Caesar and Ettu Brutey went on a bender one night. Mark broke up the party by sneaking off to Cleop- atra's early in the A. M. Pounding on the door he shouted, "Have one on me, Cleo, I can't make a speech." She let him in, sniffed his breath and said, "What is it?" " 's wine," said Mark. CIco slapped his face, she could bear it no longer. "Come, beer with me," hicced Mark. "I'll whiskey away with me, for ale in ale. I'm not such a rummy guy as you think I am." Decantered over to Egypt for the honeymoon, for Mark loved her then, and I'm sure he loves her still. Napoleon Bonaporte was another lad that went wrong. After pledg- ing Sig Pi he went out for R. O. T. C. and women. He was a terrible guy until he met Lou. She showed him the straight and narrow- path, so he joined the Anti-Saloon League, and broke his pledge to Sig Pi. He worked for the city, driving the water wagon, and started the slogan, "Have a glass of water on me?" He called his girl "Water- Lou" and that my dear children is how that started. The day that Napoleon met his Water-Lou is a red letter day in the history of Vol- steadism. » * » * » And then there was Marie Antoin- ette, a Kappa, who installed the idea of a nightcap. Three carousals later, she invented the guillotine as a prac- We Want Dirt!!! About every student on the campus, broadwalk or what have you — Madame X Will Give Two tickets to the Virginia Theatre for the best contribu- tion. The results will appear in the next number of The Siren. Drop contributions in the Siren box, under the west stairs, in the basement of Uni Hall, or place them in the box at the Siren office. tical joke for rum-runners. Nothing gave her more pleasure than to stand beside her pet guillotine and as she pulled the rip-cord, murmur, "pardon mt-, ni.i\ I cut?" While the courtiers answered in chorus, "Hell no, drink it straight." And as the gory head of a loyal subject bounced on her chest she shouted with glee "Ah ha, that's one on me!" Skipping down the pages of history we come to Hans Drinker of Hol- land, the heroic lad who plugged his finger in the dam to save Der Vater- land. All night, for three weeks, he stood thus, plugging away at the dam thing, dying of thirst. At last he gave way, his finger slipped, and the water came through. The jet of ocean, spurting through the hole gave Hans the idea of a spigit and the trusty kegs of today owe their popularity to him. Smiling, the boy fell dead. Coming into tlie realm of niodcni- ism we find a scientist beneath tlic smooth e.xpanse of mahogany. "What'll it be, sir?" "Ein stein beer," quoth he, in re- sponse while the bar flies took up tlie tenor parts. "Yeah, Einstein, yeah Einstein." And that explains that. And wasn't it Paderooske who said, "S"-.''! up to the Steinwav, fel- lows, and liave one on me?" (^r Sir ( Jallahad who went in search of the Holy (Jrail when the count ran out of mugs? (^r Romeo who said?" I don't like this new moon, Juliet, methinks it smacks of yeast." Teachers decline the word as drink, drank, been drinking again I.ooie? Farmers drive their cattle to think. The Chinese thought of jin- rickeys. The congregation sings, "(lather by the river," after a raid in Chicago. The Deke's admonish their pledges, "Be careful little boys or goblets will get you if j'ou don't watch out." Who thought of the "Stein Song" anyhow? Pause and refresh yourself. Come over some time and have one on me ! '%. The SIREN He: "I understand that the Rialto is going to sue Pepsodent. It: "Why?" Him: "For trying to reniose the fihii." Traveling Salesman Joke No. 2365 Once there was a traveling salesman — er . . . stop me if you've heard this one before. Anyway, it was getting dark and he stopped at the nearest farm house to see if he could get a place to sleep for the night. He asked the farmer the customary question and the farmer, who had never heard a traveling salesman joke in his life, replied : "Well sir, we haven't any extry beds here, but if you think you can manage to sleep with my darter for a night, 's all right with me." Well, when he saw the farmer's daughter, his heart was jumping up and down like. "I thank you so much, sir," he said, "but all my life I've been used to sleeping alone, so I'll just rvui o\er to one of your neighbors and see what he can do for me." Sorority Pledges, Please Note High school romances make the most interesting ma- terial for themes. Pop\iIarity in the classroom is immediately gained by liating your men instructors. Have lots of private conferences with instructors and don't forget to call them by their first names. It gives a friendly feeling to the atmosphere. Remember to put the romance in a romance language! Code of Feminine Popularity 'Tis not the dates that count, Rut the grades that mount High above the average three. Which you gain by — what kind of sprees; A Figam ivas taking his Sigma Kappa home in n car (rented). Says he, "How far down Nevada Street do you live?" "IVho eares?" Hell I just wanted to knoiv hoiv far I could go ivith you." Such Patriotism! The meanest man in the world is the man in the canoe who plays "Star Spangled Banner" on his uke in the midst of a crowd of nude, terrified, ducking girls. S The Heighth of Egotism A flea and an elephant walked side by side over a little bridge. Said the flea to the elephant, after they had crossed it? "Bov, we sure did shake that thing!" "Aha." said the dejected rushing chairman, as he (hccked up on the brothers lying in every corner. "A full house at last." The five point man is rather queer He has no time to guzzle beer. And if he had the time, I'll bet He'd hate to get his whiskers wet! Prof.: Some acids are much stronger than others, I'll take carbolic acid as an example. Class : Whoopee ! Frightened feminine tourist (in the midst of a flaming forest): "Oh. sir, isn't this a forest fire?" Begrimed forest ranger: "Hell, no! Lady! That's a Ladies' Aid Society up the road fumigating holler trees for the jvinter homes of ivild bees!" Freshman Number Freshman — Beware ! \Vhen Brother Davis tells you that you can get Band Concert and Organ Recital Tickets at the Union, don't believe him — they are sold in the basement of Uni Hall only. Wiien the Dean tells you that you are overcut, don't believe him — the Siren staff has complete charge of that little matter, and for a few pennies will see that you are reinstated in your class. When your roommate says he has a peach of a date for you, don't believe him — we will undertake to investigate the matter, and if he has made a mistake you can take the date; if he wasn't lying to you for a change, we will give the date a break and take her out ourself. Don't be bothered by the No-Car rule — nobody down here pays any attention to it; and if your Dad will give you the car, bring it down, and your popularity will grow overnight — just wait and see how popular you will be at the Dean's office. Bank Robber ( to his whispering buddy, as he blows the vault with t. n. t. ): "Shut up! Yuh fool! Do yuh want somebuddy to know we're here?" Oh, Tom Thumb ! In Manhattan night clubs now they're serving minia- ture golf courses instead of salads. With the A K L's The frosh was haided up before the viligance commit- tee. The high and mighty presiding chapter officer thundered at the boy, "In spite of the fact that our ducking pond overflowed into the basement, when you freshmen dumped brother "fatty" Johnson in it, you didn't have to swear." Replied the trembling frosh, "Buttttt I didn't swear. All I said was 'dam it!' " S Poor Bird The dodo bird is quite extinct. In one way he was lucky To pass away before the day These rhymes of mine grew mucky. "MV CiOSH, MAMIE, ANU HIS FANTS AINT EVEN PRESSED!" These Brilliant Ag Students! First Ag Stude: "What part of a cow do the chops come from?" Second Ag Stude: "Don't you know?" First: "Do you?" Second: "Haven't you ever heard of a cow licking its chops?" 10 The SIREN "/ was a Pi Pi Delta at dear Boodoop- ^ So This Is College by Joyce New^bill Illustrated by Dorothy Pelzer Time: During summer vacation. Stage directions: The scene is laid on front porch of girl's house. A college-boy-worlcing-way-through-school comes to door on a house to house canvass. College-girl- spending-summer-at-home is seated on porch reading iUicit love stories in college magazines. C. B. W. W. T. S.: (Tries to ring doorhell, but it doesn't work!") "Hey! What th' Hell's the matter with this d — n thing?" C. Ci. S. S. A. H.: (opening door solicitously) "How shouhl I know! But since mother isn't home, won't you stop in anyway?" College boy: (shiuidering, with one eye on pitcher) "What I wouldn't give for a shot of something! Gad! I need it! " College girl: (speculatively) "Help yerself, then, kiddo, they're cocktails! Mi.wd 'em myself!" C. Boy: (with admiration) "Cocktails! Jeeze, you niusta went to collidge!" C. Girl: (proudly) "Sure I did ! I was a Pi Pi Delta from dear old Boodoop — that's in th' east, don'tcher know!" (looking at pin he's wearing) "Migawd, mister, so you're an Alpha Psi — and I let you speak to me!" (registers horror). C. Boy: "And proud of it too!" C. Girl: (with incredulity) "You are!" Freshman Number C. Boy: (boastfully) "Sure thing. I went to Pronto — 'way out in Calerfornyer — one of our best chapters too!" C. Girl: (eagerly) "Oh, you don't hapipen to ktiow Bob Emery there do you?" C. Boy: ( (joyously) "Emery! Do I know Bob Emery!! (patronizingly) Well, my dear girl — he was on/y my room- mate this year, (continues reminiscently) "And didn't I get things smoothed out for him when he got bungled up with a flock of femmes out there!" C. Girl: (cooly) "I imagined as much! Y' see I used to wear his pin when he went to Boodoop. (sighs) We were sort of engaged at one time. But you know how "frat" pin engagements turn out. Easy come, easy go, mostly!" C. Boy: (sympatheticalh) "I know! I have a pin on a Pi Chi, and (chuckles to self) "So you're the gal Bob left behind him ! The one he still keeps dreaming about ! ( con- fidentially) D' y' know — he never tiid get over you — wouldn't even look at another dame!" C. Girl: "Aw y' can't kid a college goil. Y' just said there was a whole gang of bims after him! (wistfully) Still, I'd sure like to see him again!" C. Boy: (with an intense look) "Luck is with you, kid. You boy-friend's exactly six blocks away canvassing for the "Does It" Drug Co. — same as I am! Hop in my fliv, and we'll run right over!" C. Girl: (delightfully) "Oke!" C. Boy: (drives to outskirts of town and stops car sud- denly). C. Girl: (cooly) "Well, Don Juan, where's tli' boy friend ?" C. Boy: (changing subject) "How about a little smacker, huh?" C. Girl: (getting down to business) "Say! What's your game, anyway?" C. Boy: (dryly) "I should think you'd know by now, considering the fact you've went ta collidge!" C. Girl: (angrily) "Lcmme out then! I'll walk back I spose!" (gets out). C. Boy: (drearily) "Oh very well, Priscilla — only re- member one lil' thing . . . C. Girl: (beginning to laugh) "This is really very funny, very funny! (on second thought) Hey — bozo — lemme in again — I've got a brain cheeild !" C. Boy: "Huh? You back again! Well, if it isn't little Pollyanna, the glad goil in person^all set to cheer up the broken hearts of the poor abused collidge guys! (with grandiose gesture) "Fellers — meet my gal, Polly!" C. Girl: (who has had French lessons over the radio) "Fermez your bouche! Start driving — we're going places!" C. Boy: (bromidically) "And do things?" C. Girl: (gives brisk little laugh) "You tell 'em Cas- onova! Only drive home first — I gotta get my compact, (looking critically at self in windshield) Ye gawds! can'tcha just see your reflection in my smeller?" C. Boy: (philosophically) "Just like a co-ed! Give 'em a powder puff, and they're all dressed up and ready y' go!" C. Girl: (with lady like distaste for vulgarity) "Humphth !" C. Boy: "Whazzit?" (car drives up to curb in front of house). C. Girl: (smugly) "Oh here we are again! Wait a second, and '11 -be right out!" C. Boy: (jovially) "You bet I'll wait!" C. Girl: (mutters hurriedly under breath) "But you'll be on your way directly!" C. Boy (speculatively) "Whazzit?" C. Girl: (reassuringly) "Oh nothing!" (leaves door open and goes inside. Returns leading ferocious police dog on leash. Waves hand at fellow sadly). C. Girl: "Goodbye!" C. Boy: (resentfully) "Say! Whazza huge idear — cripe "Sometimes I think I'lii eiiiia^ed, and then a^ain at other s, I commence to douht it!" sakes take the dorg awai,' and c'mon!" (girl loosens leash and sets dog loose. Waves hand emphatically this tiniL'). C. (^irl: (dramatically) "Goodbye! Goodbye — for- ever!" Police dog: "GRRRRRRRRRR !!!!!" (meaning "Step lively, palooka!"" ) College boy: (with disgust) "That"s just whatcher meet up with when these femmes go t' collidge and get durnfool ideas in their heads! (muses) wonder what I'd be like if I'd a went!"' College Girl: (still peering in distance, apparently \\'ell pleased with herself) "He wasn't so bad, really! In fact, the only thing Eve got against him is that collegiate stuff he pulled. I bet he never guessed all I know about collidge I read in the joke mags, (smiles knowingly) And there ain't no such guy as Bob Emery! I just made him up! That's sure a hot one on him, all right!!" (laughs heartily at her own cleverness). (Curtain) 12 The SIREN •WATCH THIS, SPOT!' Check and Double Clieck He phoned his sweet hoop a doop long distance. Five minutes later; "Deposit one dollar please." He talked some more. "Deposit another dollar please." No answer. "Deposit another dollar please." "For goodness sake, how can I? "The thing's clogged up with my last check." Studying was his only brain eel agitator, yet he had Athlete's foot!' Ilii/i: "I hear that the Moore's aren't very happily married." Her: "Ye; she uvis one of these pararhute jumpers and she just ean't settle doivn." Him: "My girl is marvelous! She's wonderful ! Say, have you ever met a girl who would actually refuse a fraternity pin?" Them: "No." He: "Neither have I." / ea/l my sweetie — "Lueky." When tempted; reach for a Lucky instead. " Invectus.' She's master of my fate. "Sweetie." She is just that. HIGH BROW He: "You have a sophistication that is lacking in so many girls. You appreciate the more cultivated pas- times." She: "Yes, I do like unusual things. My tastes run to operas, fur wraps, travel. I feel that in higher literature I find sympathetic ideas." He: "You are not at all plebian. You are an ideal companion and in- tellectual stimulant for a man of my type." She: "Yes, it's rather refreshing to find one who savors life as I do. You are the compliment to my sense of the esthetic." He: "I'm sure that we shall get along well. Get your hat. Let's take in a movie." As the garage man said as he re- paired the muffler, "This is so ex- hausting." " — and after hreakini/ out of jail again, he ran amuck throuyh the toiun." "Yes, it's funny hoiv these gangs- ters all have foreign cars." The freshman, whose father told him to stop his foolishness and bear down, replied, "I can't, Fm not a duck." TiHE FRESHMAN With a smile on his face and a gold pledge pin on his manly bosom, the Freshman tripped, that is to say, stepped lightly down the dirt em- bankment. It was dark as blazes and as he entered the park, hoot owls in the trees above him, announced that the hour was long past midnight. He walked with confidence in his heart. Who was to be afraid ? Was he not a pledge of dear old Abadaba? Without warning, a figure sprang on him from in back. Powerful arms pinioned his own. Other figures sprang from behind trees — they ap- peared like magic, as though Alladin had rubbed his lamp. The Freshman let out a shriek of terror which was quickly snuffed by a gag. He was bound hands and foot. Ten hooded figures gathered about him as he al- most fainted from fright. One of them, evidentally the leader, spoke, "Tonight, Pledge Jones, marks the start of a life in agony and torture for one week. Prepare for the worst." His clothes were ripped from him. He was hoisted to the shoulders of two of the band and carried to the edge of a nearby pool. The icy waters splashed and rippled a hun- dred feet beneath him. A stinging wind took his breath away. He was held by feet and hands, hammock style, on the edge of the precipice. Slowly his captors swung him out over the inky space. "One." He returned back over the edge, completing a swing. His body gained momentum as he came down for another. "Two." The Freshman writhed in agony. Sweat poured from his forehead in spite of the cold. Brutes; this was murder, not initiation. They would hang for this — they would. He swung out over the edge again. The lapping waters seemed to call to him — invite him. Presently they would close over him and press the life from his shivering, young body. Suddenly a clear voice rang out from in back, "That will be all, boys. We'll finish the 'Hell Week' scene tomorrow. Pack up the camera and microphones and report back to the studio. Good acting, Harold Spleen!" Prof.: "Why, you don't know the first thing about chemistry!" Co-ed: "Maybe I do; what is it?" Freshman Number 13 SORORITY SIMPERS Oh, I'll XEV^er go out with him aGAlN. I mean I SIMplv WOXT. EniRARRassed? DARling, I blushed clear through my VANishing cream. Everyone NOTiced him; It was as PLAIN as the RATTLE of a Ford. At the SHOW: DANcing; Every- where, it was so OBvious! I SHUDder at the MEMory; I really DO. My dear, he's COLLEGI- ATE! Passerby (rvuiniiig into house after hearing screams) : If you don't quit beating your child, I'll call the police. Man's voice from within: This ain't no child. It's my wife. Passerby: Oh, pardon me. I'm so sorry I intruded. — Southern California If'ainpus. Romance She pressed her lovely head against my breast as we stood there in the tranquility of a perfect moonlight night. I ran my fingers slowly through her silky flowing hair, caressing her beautiful neck and deli- cately shaped ears. She moved un- easily as if she. heard the approach of disturbing footsteps. "Don't be afraid, come closer to me," I mur- mured in her ear, "You're my Queen." I wouldn't take a million dollars for that horse. Dragged: "What is the age limit of cadets?" Drugged : "A cadet is the limit no matter what his age is." — Pointer. POOR CHILDREN The husband returned home late that night. Stepping quietly so as not to disturb his wife, he entered their bedroom and stared at the scene before him. His wife sat on the edge of the bed in the embrace of a strange man. His children were cry- ing in a far corner of the room. Grasping the man by the throat, tlie liusband dragged him into the middle of the room — glared at him as his fingers slowly tightened. Finally he hissed through his teeth, "What's the idea of slinking around houses this time of night and scaring little chil- dren?" A Poem* I wonder what A frosh thinks about When he first comes To the campus? I wonder what A frosh thinks about After he has been Here awhile? I wonder what A frosh thinks about? I wonder // a frosh thinks? I wonder?? *Poet's note: The reason the title is as it is, is because otherwise how could anybody tell that it is a poem? Modern Mothers 1st Ma: "Do \ou approve of your daughter smoking so much?" 2nd Ma: "No, and some da\ I'm going to tell her so." Soph: "Say, who d' you think you're foolin'?" Frosh: "I dunno. What's your name?" .\ GOOD BRIDGE HAND Nora: "Mary's husband is a real mate." Tom: "Yes. hut she uill aluays he the captain." 14 The SIREN liftw^ Prof.: "Voimu man, why is it I ipccivoti no paper from you loflay?" Krosh : "My roommate had a (late last iiisiht." Tragedy It was very late one night when I met a rute little Alpha Chi Omega pledge (believe it or not) walking home, (believe it or not). She was crying! Says I to her, "Why arc you walking home and crying?" "Well," sniffles she, "It's all on account of my ears! A boy called up tonight and asked for a date. I gave him one when he said he was a little P. A. I).; but, boo hoo. what he reallv said was a little R. A. D." First Reta : "There goes Addaline." Second driuik: "Who? That's Pearl Smith." First: "Yeh." Second: "Why call her Addaline?" First: "Her initials are P. S." "Dnrs Rill ivalk uith that old slniich of his?" "No. I hrnr he's going with better uonien now." Chi Phi: "Does Mary like to dance? " Figam: "Does she? They tell me her mother was scared by a saxophone!" Judging from past years, we presume that pledging is a weighty problem at the Kappa house. As a Freshman Sees the Campus Fervent embraces and lusty back slapping . . . C'mon, let's have a coke . . . yeh, I had a swell vacation . . . sun- light through the trees on the Broadwalk . . . and when I saw her she said . . . gee, this old place sure looks like home to me . . . the chimes casting a note of peace over the campus . . . they say it's a stiff course though . . . if he thinks he can get away with that . . . oh, I met the darlingest man this summer . . . no, this time it's really different . . . have you got a Lucky ... I guess Jean won't be back this year . . . and the darn fool ga\e me only a C . . . C'mon, let's have a MORE BLANK VERSE Prof. 1 : Prof. 2 : Prof. 1 classes." "Illinois is going to the dogs." "How is that?" "Not a good, looking co-ed in any of my WAR No more — s. — ings Pennsylvanians, — m mama. Way — d girls. Home — ed bound, -is this thing called love? — oh — is my wandering boy tonight? Freshman Number 15 Juniors Error (A story for the benefit of our Chicago subscribers, who will appreciate the terse, realistic manner in which this melange is told.) Military Tactics A. P. M. S. Sc T.: "Noic, suppose you arc on your post one dark night. Suddenly a person appears from hchind and wraps two strong arms around you so that you can't use your rifle. What will you call thenf" Cadet: "Let go. Honey." Mrs. Smyth came wearily into the kitchen of her Chi- cago bungalow to prepare dinner. Listlessly, she went to the bread box only to see there a bulky object, swathed in a blanket, instead of the accumulated bread she expected. Removing a flap of the blanket, she saw the horribly mutilated trunk of a human body. She found herself wondering if the Rici family next door had lost anything — she knew Tony was wanted by the Luigi gang. Mrs. Smyth soon dismissed this idea as illogical. The job was too puerile for Chicago gangsters. Grimacing, she tossed the trunk into the garbage can outside. It splashed sonorously. Nap- kins were wrapped around two cylindrical things. Much as she expected, one proved to be part of an arm. The other was a jelly roll baked that morning. Two shoe boxes were in the ice box in place of the milk and eggs she desired. They contained a right hand hacked off at the wrist and three parts of a foot. Mrs. Smyth, annoyed, opened but one. She was realizing that John or Junior would have to go to the store, and Junior never got what he went after, while John fussed so at going. The thought depressed her. She lighted the oven, after yawning with boredom at finding it empty. She had anticipated finding the head there, but as compensation she found several fingers and an ear in the silverware drawer. She uttered a mild oath when she saw blood on the spoons — people never helped keep the kitchen clean. The other ear and either the nose or a big toe were in the salt jar. She began to repeat under her breath, "Where will I find the head?" and thought of herself as a head hunter. She giggled spontaneously. When John came, she broke the news to him, full of dread. "Darling, we can't have dinner until some one goes for milk and eggs." "Why is it, Helen, you never think to order things in time?" he asked, plainly disgruntled, enipliasizing the words unpleasantly. Helen showed him the shoe boxes in the ice box. "Don't blame me," she said crossly, "Some one sub- stituted this stuff in place of the provisions I had there." John looked thoughtful, and she added, "There's a human trunk in the garbage can." (Continued on Page 23) The college man who sees double is in great demand at the gas company as a meter reader. Club servant: "A lady is ifi the lobby saying that her husband promised to come home early." Several card players (jumping up hurriedly) : "Excuse me, gentlemen." ^.\^t\>^4*r* "And what kind ol a tooDi brush would you like, in.v Sood man?" "Aw, make il a hard one. I>e,v au\t no sissies in our lamiljl" 16 The SIRKN IMtn KK OK AI.IIMM'S MAKING A FORCED LANDING s In the Classroom Prof.: "Can you tell me briefly the changes on this European map in the last few years?" Stiidr: "Well, ves. it has been \arnishcd once. " Ambition An Ivory Soap crouched on flu- bathroom tioor Just within the dusk of the open door. "I hope," it said, "ere my life is done, And my days in that sudsy world begun, That I may scat as she strives to pass, A beautiful, buxom, college lass." (1). (2). (3). (4). (5). (6). (7). (8). Wouldn't It Be a Riot! If the University couldn't flunk people out? If co-eds cared about anything except clothes, dancing, and men ( in the order named ) ? If Mr. Volstead had been a "coliitch" boy in- stead of a preacher? If college really were a place for study? If rushing were done on the level? If deans of women were snappy-looking gals, and kept up on the styles? If everybody had unli/iiited cuts? If college turned out to be exactly what the high school kids dreamed it would be? Fresh: "I am in a terrible fix and have no idea where to get money from." Soph: "Good, I was afraid you thought you coidd get some from me." Good Advice Father: "You shouldn't encourage Frank — no one can expect big things from him." Evelyn: "How about Dick, then?" Father: "Yes, you can expect anything from him." Harvard Frosh (Abroad): "I say, why do you call your touring car 'Kleptomaniac?' " Distinguished Oxfordian: "Because of its rapid pick- up, old thing." -S- Jones (tbe butcher) : "What's all the disturbance over at Coffin's, the undertaker?" Smith: "I heard his business was ended, because he had gone in the hole." 'She's like an automatic pencil." 'What dn you mean?" ' Ez'crrcady." K. A. T. : "Wary has stopped going with her Varsity wrestler." Kitty: "You don't mean to tell me? After two years?" K. A. T. : "Yes, she only has a roitc/h idea of what love reallv is." Freshman Number 17 Conversion Three warts squatting on an African chin Were wondering why warts never seemed to stick ui. Said one, "I wonder if a massage of Kraut Woidd help to turn me inside out." The second voted a peroxide trick While the third remained a silent lout, For through the air swished a big, red brick Which scooped the entire colony out. Things a Freshman Should Think About Upon Entering the University 1. The fille back home; not the cross-eyed one. 2. The alias he will use when caught with his dad's car on the campus. 3. The ol' home town. He's expected to do great things! Sez who? 4. The number "34." He'll hear it often enough, God knows ! 5. Does green "go" with my new suit? One on the Freshmen I'm laughin' at a freshman, Because he said to me, "I just saw the dumbest gink, That there could ever be. Come with me and have a look, I think he's partly bass." So I went and now I laugh ; The gink was a lookin' glass. "HELL, THIS .4IN" 'KIKE,' THI.S ISH WATER!" s He was a big football player. She was a sweet little frosh. He got mad and kicked her. It pains me to think that such a sweet little co-ed would have to get "Athlete's Foot.'' Dictionary Lunge — necessary picnic equipment, {collective noun). Garner — part of a room. Pigeon — the act of throwing, (verb). Cheer — a thing vised for sitting. Odes — feed for horses, (origon, wild odes). Yolk — what this is supposed to be. Past — a bothersome person. Betting — favorite indoor sport at the Chi O hovel. Coffer — the person who has never heard of Old (]olds Squad — to sit down suddenly. Bed — to wager. S I pity much the poor Phi Bate Who only got a four point eight But as for me, I'm feeling fine To get a measly two point nine. Illustrated Songs 1. Have you heard, "Little White Lice?" 2. The orange song: "Orange" you sorry, truly .sorry? 3. "What's The Juice?" asked the tree-sitter as the lightning struck his tree. Prof.: "Tell me something about Elizabeth and her age." Dreaming Frosh: "She will be nineteen next week." S Then there is the sad tale of the Ag-major frosh who, on attending his first football game, developed crossed-eyes while searching carefully for the shanks on the "pigskin" from row sixty-four. 18 •iMV DKAK! FANCY IS MEETING lAKE THIS!" EPITAPH "Here lie the bones of Jane O Day, Who during rushing passed away. Chi O, D. G., and old Pifi— These houses caused our Jane to die! They rushed her hard, they rushed her long. And since poor Jane was far from strong. When houses fought o'er her, they say. Poor Jane just up and passed away! Policeman's small son (gazing at a zebra) : "Does he get a service stripe for every year he's been in the zoo. Daddy?" If Rudy Valee received an "M" for popularizing the "Stein Song" what should Jack Oakie get for his "Alma Mammy?" "I'm going to get the hell outa here!" cried the preacher, just before beginning his big reform crusade. — Washingtrnt (]n In inns. -S- Stage-door Johnny: "What char- acter do you have in the next act ? Girl: "I'm not supposed to have any character; I'm in the chorus." — Btan Pot. CLOTHES FOR THE WELL DRESSED FRESHMAN (^n the campu.s — that should be our first big thought, for that is where most of the time of the young collegian, as I have quaintly nick- named him, is spent. For morning classes Illinois students have always preferred the regidation stove pipe hat, with a band of the college colors, or of green for freshmen. Light blue or orchid polo shirts are practical as well as appealing to the ej'e, and are displayed to best advantage on the flat chested, stoopshouldered forms, examples of which can be seen daily at the Chi Psi Lodge. Black and white oxfords and pigskin gloves complete this simple outfit. For afternoon wear more formal- ity is observed, the same costume being worn, but with however, the addition of a goldtipped cane. Padded shin guards, quite inexpensively, at Louie's, are found by those in the know, to be just the thing for climb- ing in and out of Mr. Prehn's traps, better known as booths. Ruffled shorts are gaining a wide- spread popularity, due to their coolness and colorfulness, and have been seen lately at Park, worn by both B. M. O. C. and their fair companions. For formal wear bow ties are rapidly being eclipsed by string ties of marabou, chinchilla, and spaghetti. S Why not let nn arms conference determine the correct ivaist-line? The SIREN HONORED Tlie degree of Doctor of Humane Letters was recently conferred on each of the following well-known men : Julian Flatfoot, who for fort>- years has been the Evanston mailman and who never once read the back of a postcard. Incidentally, he forgot to read the addresses. l'"noch Oilburncr, who was sued for $250,000 because he wrote tender epistles to a trusting little girl from the farm. Ignio Pastellegio, "the blackmailer with a heart," who never put a man to death without first chopping off _J. the victim's head — "to prevent suffer- ing," he modestly says. — Purple Parrot. [lot: Say, you've been smoking Camels for some timCj is the man on the pack leading or folloiving the cam elf Stuff: I'll bite. I don't sec any. Hot: He is following. At the time the draiving ivas made, he ivns back of the pyramid taking the sand out of his shoes. — Jt'cslcyan Jl asp. Gwendolyn: "Harold, dear, we simply must not walk any farther." Harold: "Why not, honey?" Gwen : Oh, these horrid rocks are getting bolder and bolder." —Ohio Sun Dial. He glanced at his watch. It was time. He stood up and raised his hand, preparatory to giving the signal. Then he paused. He looked around him at the forces he was commanding. Every man's eye was upon him ; each one was eager, tense, alert, prepared for action. He cogiated upon the results of his giving the signal. The sound of martial music, the booming of cannon, the cries of wounded men, the moans of mothers, wives, sweethearts, etc., the tramp of marching feet, the roar of conflict, the shout of victory, the wail of defeat, and lastly, the silence of death — all these would follow. Well, let them! and with a sudden movement the conductor swung his baton and the orchestra started to play. — Arizona Kitty-Kat. Freshman Number 19 Under the Anheuser-Busch It was one day last month that we were visiting Arthur Joe, one of Boston's better bootleggers. The talk drifted from bathtubs to the bootleg industry. There came a lag in the conversation. Then somebody sug- gested he show us his plant and ex- plain the various steps of the manu- facture to us. Oddly enough, he con- sented, and we began our tour of in- spection. We saw the men \wDrking about the mixing and the cutting plants, and as we were about to leave, the indubitable Greek turned, and with a smile pointed to one of his assistants and said. "That man's a corker!" Gad! Will this flow of wit never stop? — I 00 Doo. Little Girl : Nurse, will I ever have a mustache on my lip like daddy when I grow up ? Nurse: Pretty often, dear, I ex- pect. — Pennsylvania Punch Boul. Frosh: "I was thinking of living in San Francisco but it's so far to come in the mornings." A friend: "Oh, go ahead. You might as well commute as come dumb." — Pelican. 31 : You say that that Freshman has lived in Paris? He looks darned rural to me! 33: Oh, that's just a little Paris Green. — Bticknell Belle Hop. "What's your definition of a good rl?" "Something few and far between." — Gargoyle. When a boy writes six pages to his girl he is only dropping her a line. — Desert PFolf. A fraternity man was badly mangled in a train ivreci, and when the doctors tried to identify him by the clothes he zvas wearing, it looked as though the whole chapter was in- jured. — Boston Beanpot. The new trench mouth song is sweeping the campus. You know, the one that goes, "Love is spreading infection, I know that wonderful something is love . . ." — Ohio Sundial. S "Where to, fratcrf" "To the asylum for the dunih. blind and deaf." "And, for why?" "We need a chaperon for the party." — Boston Beanpot. First Prom Trotter: "I can't un- derstand why you stayed outside so long with such a splendid dancer as William." Second Drag: "Well, he showed me some new steps — and we sat on them." — (Colorado Dodo. The cannibals had just cooked up a party of missionaries and the feast was being passed. "Would you like a nice, fresh loasted priest?" asked the chef. "Nun, thank you," rejoined the chief. It's great to have a ruler with a sense of humor, isn't it ? — Amherst Lord Jeff. S Teacher : Correct this sentence for me — "There are an awful lot of freshmen in this university." Susie: There are a lot of awful fresh men in this university. — loiL-a Frivol. Light a Murad In a pinch use Allen's Foot Ease. In a squeeze — use discretion. "With whom aro you ^oin^ to room this semostor?" "Anyone whoso Charter House suits from /CdLLfman'3 are handy." ifl9i^^ 20 The SIREN RI ALTO THEATRE Week Slartiiiii Sunday, Sept. 2S Buddy Rogers Nancy Carroll "Follow Thru" IN TK,( IINK (H.OK A PEACH OF A PAIR IN A PERFECT PLAY LOVE— LAUGHS— SONG HITS Coming — Gary Cooper in Rex Beach's "The Spoilers" When You Are In Champaign stay at the INMAN HOTEL Fireproof, modern, convenient service are the qualities that make the Inman Champaign's leading hotel. Special Sunday Dinners Just a block West of the Illinois Central Station on University Avenue G. W. BYERS AUGUST DANIELSON Proprietors KISSES I lia\r known kisses sweet and warm, And kisses hot as the flames of hell. I have been kissed in a slashing storm. And deep in the coolest dell. I ha\e known the kiss of passion. And the cool ki.ss of sweet pure love, (From school girl, and bud of fashion). From wind, sim and moon above. I have taken kisses by force, From the willing and unwilling, And they were sweet from either source, But not as sweet as thrilling. And I have had kisses forced on nie. Burning kisses that I didn't crave, Kisses that were not sought by me, But I took as good as I gave. But the kisses that I treasure Deep in my heart and memory. Are the kisses I've had from you. Tender, sweet and just for me. They are rare and dewy fresh. And linger on my lips forever. Like wondrous incense, always fresh, That springs from Love's eternal river. — Y. M. I. Sniper. The R. O. T. C. was in camp. "Who goes there," called out the rookie guard. "A Sigma Nu," came back the answer. Corporal of the guard — "drunken man on post number two." .... — Arizona Kitty-Kat. "Want to take a blind date Friday?" "Oh, my deah, haven't you heard ? 1 am going to be married Friday!" "That night? Well, how about Saturday?" — loua Frivol. Freshmen get dumber every year. Do you think so? Yeh. One of them came up to me the other day and said how funny it was at this university. Why? 'Cause so many of the Dean's were named Emeritus. — Gargoyle. Freshman Number 21 Heard at the Prom "Love me, hoii ?" "Uh-huh." "Love me a lot, hon?" "Uh-huh." "Love me an awful lot, hon?" "Uh-huh." "Then sit up. Your sorority pin's tearing my necktie." — Beanpot. Blue eyes gaze at mine. — Soft hands clasped in mine. — Fair hair brushing mine. — Red lips close to mine. — Lithe body close to mine. — Footsteps. — Vexation. Palpitation. Expectation. Temptation. Aspiration. Damnation. -If'est Point Pointer. Many co-eds are responsible for teaching some boys to \\ alk at an early date. I followed the one and only out of the Libe. Just as she reached the door a book dropped out of her arms. It was my chance. I rushed to her and picked it up. I noticed it was English History. "Excuse me," I said, "but did you drop this." "Drop it!" she exclaimed, "Hell, I flunked it." — Siivasher. Sad But True "You're the most wonderful girl Fve ever known." "I only wish you meant that, George." "So do L" — Ohio 'Green (ioat. Golddigger: "I'd have adored to live durinij the age of chivalry." Second Femme: "Yes, ii'eren'l the men polite then?" First One: "And they hud such uonderful manors." — If est Point Pointer. Officer: "Did you get the note I sent down with my horse?" Private: "Yessir, and we carried out your order." Officer: "Fine, send the horse over immediately." Private: "Yessir, shall we send him by truck?" Oiificer: "No, you fool, let him walk!" Pause. Private: "Say would you please repeat what you had written on that note?" Officer: "My orders were 'Have my horse shod right away.' " Private: "Oh! was that a d — ? I thought it was a t." — Carnegie Tech Puppet. Beautiful But Dumb (in cabaret): "Let's get one of those private rooms." Escort: "Those aren't private rooms, they're telephone booths." — Carnegie Tech Puppet. Another way to judge an old timer is one who remem- bers when his mother rocked him to sleep instead of blowing smoke rings to amuse him. — Princeton Tiger. .ind then there's the Zugee bird who flies backwards. lie doesn't give a damn ivhere he's going, he just icants to knoiv where he's been. — Arizona Kitty-Kat. ' Where Friends Meet" Han ley's 713 Wright Street Facing the Campus 22 The SIREN Strauch's For Si'ivhf In l^icture Framing, Photography Kodak Finishing Fountain Pen Kepair Supplies Fountain Pens, Laundry Gases, Locker Locks, Die Stamped Stationery, Kodaks, Memory Books Note Books, Study Lamps, Supplies, Novelties Ciijis and Greeting Cards for .III Occasions Strauch Photo Art-House At Campus, 709 South Wright Zoo/oyy in thf ii/iirsi Jihuh a/lriiily lliusc jiash icho li'iili iriUil Ikjiiis luid iidtliUK/ iikjii. I'luii Ititj, there are the field /ri/m. "Move over there," bellowed the big, burly cop, "who do you think you are? Where did you ever get the idea that you could drive on the left side of the street going .55 miles an hour through an intersection? "But, my dear man, your philosophy is all wrong," mumbled the professor who taught Theory of Philosophy. "After all, are you sure that I'm even here? And if I am here, are you sure that I'm not somebody else? Perhaps I'm even a table or a chair or maybe I lived 3,000 years ago. Am I standing on my head or is the rest of the world upside down? You'd better pinch yourself to see if you're really here, too. One can never — " The cop is now in a padded cell. — Southern California Wampus. As You Love Pessimist: "She loves me not. She loves me not. She loves mc not." Optimist: "She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not." College Student. "She lo\es me. She loves me. Slu- loves me." — // ampus. Two hundred (200) Christian women in Colorado Springs recently petitioned the city council to pass an ordinance against bill-board advertisements which repre- sented women using "tobacco in any form." It is under- mining the "heart of our nation," they say. — From Time Magazine. We shall send them a wire immediately recommending Old Dutch Cleanser as a bath-salts. — Sour On-l. Freshman Number 25 Rhythm in Music Is the important fundamental that assures good dancing FRANK ZELL and his eleven piece orchestra invite you to College Hall riic most attractive ballroom and lounge on the campus "DANCE ON THE CAMPUS" To the Editor They will not take my stories now, They say they have no plot ; If they're as bad as some I see, I think I should be shot. ^'e Ed takes pride in destroying All that I can write, Methinks he sells my manuscripts To ragmen, oh so tight. Some day, perhaps, he'll write to me And then what will I do? I'll calmly throw his writing dear. Into a basket, too. — Blark and Blue Jny. The ninn ivho ahcays sang in the hathtiih inst/i/led a shower and met his death through droiining. — Purple Parrot. SCRAPING ALONG "Oh. George, do you realize it's almost a year sinee our honeymoon , and that glorious day n-e spent on the sands.' I uonder hotv ive'll spend this one?" "On the roeks." — laneouver Provinee. -S- Chicago university is ha\ing difficulty with the track team. The dash men arc rum-runners, the distance men are barred, pole vaulting is o\'cr-stressed for a wall-leaping future, and all the weight men are half-shot. — ^Missouri Shonrne. We were visiting friends this summer and our conver- sation was suddenly interrupted by one of the younger members of the family. He walked slowly into the room, sniffed and edged over to his father's chair. "What's the matter, son ?" asked his father. The youngster stifled a sob. "I've just had a terrible scene with your wife," he said. — J aek-o' -Lantern. Like father, like son — but like daughter and you don't give a damn for the rest of the family. — Puneh Boivl. 'It's a ivise eork that kno7rs its oivn Pop." — Pointer. 26 The SIREN WELCOME ILLINI Glad you're here We trust we may be of much service to you We can make anything you want — and we deliver it on time BERRYMAN BAKERY 213 South Neil Street ChampaijESn Tel. 4161 Mr. Kipling Reads His Stories in Liberty Plus the Advertisements lie took her in hi.s arms, once so weak, now strong, built up into masses of muscles by use of the Master Muscle Builder, only $2.45 by mail anywhere east of the Rockies, $2.95 west of the Rockies, postage prepaid. He felt her soft skin kept as lovely as that of 511 Hollywood actresses who all acclaim the wonder soap of the age; and looked into her eyes — you can have eyes like those, dark and dangerous, just a minute a day; a simple preparation; easy to apply; does not cake. Her hair shone with that lustre which only the pure oil of the Siberian nuts, mixed with the rich per- fume of Arabia, and sold imder the exclusive copyrighted name: (jolden Line (Trade Mark) can give. And still something was lacking — perhaps he had no "Sox appeal"; but then four out of five have it. Could he be the fifth? He looked down, trembling, and then he realized that even your best friend won't tell you. — Georgia Cracker. THE SIDELINES Half-shot fraternity brothers — blaring strains of a hand — freshman hats — beautiful girls — sunshine — a boy irith tivo buckets and a tonrl — eleven tense crimon jerseyed men — a shrill nhistle — a deafening roar of applause — and the football season is ivith us once more. — Rammer Jammer. Bresee Bros. Cleaners — Hatters — Tailors From old to new in 24 hours VWlcome the first crisp day of fall . . . with a cheerio . . . and a hat which has proved itself in past seasons . . . but which looks fresh from a smart shop ... or Rreesc Bros, hat cleaning experts. Phone 4444 She threw me a rose and it started 'Neath an old Spanish moon in Madrid, And I'll never quite know how we parted . 'Cause her husband came home 'fore we did. — Rammer Jammer. Two Chicago men left a banquet together, they had dined exceptionally well. "When you get home," said one, "if you don't want to disturb your family, undress at the foot of the stairs, fold your clothes neatly, and creep up to your room." They met the next day at lunch. "How did you get on?" asked the adviser. "Rottenly," replied the other; "I took off all my clothes at the foot of the stairs, as you told me, and folded them up neatly. I didn't make a sound. But when I reached the top of the stairs — it was the elevated station." — Yelloiv Jacket. Inside: May's dress seems to have seen hard icear. Outside: Hardivare is right. She has had six fraternity pins. — Carnegie Tech Puppet. Freshman Number 27 Motlier Goose for the Sophisticated Jack and Jill meandered up a small protuberance from the earth's surface for the express purpose of gaining a quantity of water necessary for their wants. On their re- turn journey, the attraction of gravity proving too great for him, the young boy fell, causing a fracture of the skull, probably a slight concussion of the brain, and a small cerebral hemorrhage. Jill's subconscious mind, her long suppressed desires, her numerous inhibitions, probably caused by early repressions, and her many complexes, all united to force her to descend rapidly also. — Gcoryia Cracker. -S- "THE LION" ( Playlet in 3 acts) Act I Lion, Trainer, and his Assistant. Act II Lion, Trainer Act III Lion. End. — Black and Blue Jay. VIRGINIA Champaign's leading amusement center Starting Sept. 28 "CALL OF THE FLESH" with RAMON NOVARRO DON'T MISS the greatest comedy of all time "Half Shot at Sunrise" ViMh Hert Wheeler and Kobt. \\'oolsen ORPHEUM The best in first run jiirturi's at popular prices Sept. 29 through Oct. 3rd A 3 STAR PICTURE "Africa Speaks" Aufhentio Tr.ivel Picture I'll Make a Date With Anybody To sell them a subscription to the Siren The experience will cost you One Buck Meet me at the Siren office a(2flfta(-i 28 The SIREN Public Utilities Make Today's City Possible Suppose tlic public utilities would vanish tonifjlit. Suppose electric, f*as, water, transportation, and telephone service would end? What of the city of tomorrow? The modern home, built as it is around these fjreat aids to better livinjj, would be impossible. With no elevators in service, no lights, no fias for their ranges, no water, no telephones, the great stores, hotels and office buildings would go out of business. We would step back into the dark age of commerce with its con- gested, poorly lighted, wretchedly ventilated, insanitary shops and factories. Without public utilities civilized life of today would be paralyzed. Illinois Bower and Light Coiporation There's one thing gets us college guys, We wish we had a bat To bash the head of ev'ry bloke That calls our house a "frat." — Fratcr. First Sewaiiee Student: "Who was that innocent young damsel I saw you with last night ?" Second Abstainer: "Innocent young girl? (^h, was that before or after intermission?" — The Mountnin Goat. The huge problem in fraternity architecture: Guest room or extra davenports? — Frater. P'ditor: "Did you ever write anything before?" Authoress: "Oh, yes, I wrote a confession story once." I'-ditor: "Did the editor send it back?" Authoress: "No, he came all the way from New York to California to meet me." — Arizona hilly Kat. And He Never Attended Any More Tea Dances Co-ed (to her first-year guest at sorority dance) : I bet you don't know how long I have been here at school. Frosh (seriously) : Really, I wouldn't even attempt to guess. — Exchange. Prof.: "Please do not talk; you disturb me." Yawning Voice: "Ych, and the same to you." — Penn Slate Froth. The most difficult problem ever presented to Prof. Mac- Whoopee for solution is that in which one of a set of twins died and the likene.ss between them being so great the parents were unable to tell which of the two was dead. — Pennsv/vania Punrh Boiil. "One of the grads became so tight on a bet he had won, that he thought he was Sir Gallahad with the grail, and it took the whole Kappa Sig chapter to pry him loose from their bright, shining cuspidor." — If hirlivind. Freshman Number 29 TODAY. . is somebody's birthday ! — and somebody is pretty sure to be pleased — if he is remembered with some good-looking ties. There are Cheney Cravats— for every type of daytime and evening wear. CHENEY ([^RAVATS MADE OF CHENEY SILKS 30 The SIRKN WHITE LINE LAUNDRY HOME OF KAPTAIN KLEAN // seems to us thai the tdlkus are yttling voiee and voice. — Armour Engineer. It seems that there was once a Kappa Sig who went dancing at the Kappa Sig house but the D U's threw him out. — Prater. There's at Least One in Every House The man who is learning to play a saxophone. The man who is always lamenting the loss of the "Fra- ternity Spirit." A fork whose prongs have lost their sense of direction. A man who has your necktie every time you want to wear it. A "No Parking" sign. Somebody yelling "Study Hour!" A salt shaker from the Corner. A ******** who'll double-date you if you come in be- fore daylight. — Prater. Phi Delt: "Do you know that Phi Delta Theta main- tains five homes for the feeble minded?" Frosh: "I thought you had more chapters than that." — Privol. Two elderly deans were discussing the respective merits of their colleges. One of them had been eulogizing upon the great superiority of his school to the other's until the latter gentleman became griped. His school had a student body of about 5,000 and he thought that in numbers at least he could outdo the other fellow. So he asked, "Well, how many students are there in your college?" "Oh, about 7,000 odd, I guess. "How many excluding the queer ones?" — Phoenix. Clerk: "See, that hat fits perfectly. How does it feel?' Stewdent: "Fine, unless my ears get tired." — The Mountain Goat. THE SIREN GALL FOR NEW FALL APPAREL FOR MEN LS DEFINITELY ANSWERED AT THE STORE FOR ILLINOIS MEN %^:/uiAt<^ Downtown Champaign Freshman Number 31 BEAT THIS The two kings were facing in op- posite directions. Neither was able to face the other. Before them was the field of battle. " Check!" "I can offer no more than ten iron men, the last that I have." "I will see them." "Then I am with yoii." "Good! Me too." So the fellow who had the kings back to back showed them to the rest of the boys and took the pot — a nice haul ; close to a hundred dollars. Some guys sure are lucky in stud poker. — Neiv York Medley. CORRECT Professor (in engineering class) : "What's a dry dock?" Student: "A physician who won't give out prescriptions." — Drexel Drexerd. Traveler: If III you please reyister my berthf Pullman Agent: Say, this is a Rail Road Station, not a Court House. — Carnegie Tech Puppet. Son: "Dad, how do they catch crazy people?" Dad : "With rouge, powder, permanent waves, smiles and sweet nothings, my boy." — Sewanee Mountain Goat. ALL AMERICAN JACK ELDER: . . "One of the best college stories I have ever read!" Huddle IN THE NOVEMBER ISSUE Col|e5€ Humor MAGAZINE "I know of no contemporary who is better qualified to write modern football fiction than Francis Wallace; this is particularly true of the kind of football we play at Notre Dame, as he has had an opportunity to observe it from the inside for the last eleven years. "I know that in his first novel. Huddle. the football scenes both on and off the field will be authoritative and authentic; more so, perhaps, than any long football story of recent years." 32 The SIREN nealthy Planters Salted Peanuts are wholesome and good for you. Thoroughly roast- ed. Always fresh and crisp in glas- sine bags with Mk. Peanut on them. 5c every- where. It's "The Nickel Lunch." Planters Nut & Chocolate Co. U.S.A. and Canada Planters Salted Peanuts \ PICTURES ARE INDISPENSIBLE SUCCESSFUL PUBLICATION P h ol' o " E n o;t'<\>>> i n o s Colo npl^dtr?

^ ^\.kir\ D IXC Attractive Coeds prefer to dance at.... COLLEGE HALL because there they find the congenial at- mosphere created by rhythmic music. Cam- pus co-eds are enthusi- astic in their praise of the unusual entertain- ment provided by FRANK ZELL // you have a favorite tune Frank will he happy to sing it for you. College Hall Fraternity Number ^' ■ he greatest relief ever experienced since vour initiation into the y Caterpillar Club . that really SATISFY! cigarettes CHESTERFIELD yiilder . . ana /M^ / M/^r /^j/i? © 1930. Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. The SIREN She was.... Disappointed! "Never mind Betty Co-ed the pro- j*ranis for our next dance will be made by the College Publishers. I'll put in the order tomorrow at 606 East Green street, over Bailey & Himes. You shall not be disappointed again." Eliminate such conversations at your next house dance and allow us to de- sign your dance program and devise mood Christmas cards for you, your house or your what not. We not only design dance programs jrotn the appropriate cover to the famous last lines but we DEVISE in- dividual Christmas GREETINGS that will so please you and your friends that you will always have them designed by our craftsmen. EVERYTHING ORIGINAL College Publishers Grace Needham Oliver '24, manager What Next? "Could yovi tell nic, ' inquired the so-called poppa, "Where is my wandering boy tonight?" "Certainly, sir," informed our hero. "We left him back at the eighth hole of the miniature golf course, trying to ihivi- through a small piece of rain spout." "Ah, woe is me," cried the poor man. "Where will he next try to drive that Austin I bought him!" — Pitt Ptuithcr. kap/ia Sigma Tau "To what," said the nice old lady, "do you owe your re- markable agility, your faculty of self-protection, and your cat-like grace on your feet?" "I was," replied the successful but young pugilist, "call- boy in a traternit\- house for one year." — IVabash Caveinaii. Phi Sigma Sigma fVas there no escape? No one would hear her even if she did scream. Must she submit to his demandsf She had thought she would be safe in the privacy of her boudoir, but the fiend had pursued her even there. There was but one thing to do. She must make the best of it. Others had succeeded in forcing her to do their will, but they at least had had a glittering personality, and this brute possessed nothing. He had had the temerity to offer her a mere hun- dred dollars. Others had offered more, but she had scorned them. Times were hard, and money was scarce, so she said, "All right. I'll endorse your cigarettes, but you're getting it damned cheap considering my reputation! " — Penn State Prater. Lambda Alpha Lambda "Aw Nell, Nell, you wouldn't do this to me, would you? You wouldn't treat me this way, would you? After all that's passed between us. And I've done so much for you. Why you couldn't leave me this way! Nell, tell me you don't mean it! Ya ain't playactin' are you, Nell?" "Huh?" — California Pelican. Tau Delta Phi Magazine Agent: Is the lady of the house home? Maid : No ; come right in. — Red Cat. Phi Alpha Delta "You remind me of a Packard motor.' "Because I am so strong and silent?" "No, because you idle so easily." Delta Alpha Pi -Lampoon. Voice from the darkness: "Help, thief!" Passing hold-up man: "Sure, I'll help!" — Lampoon. Theta Alpha Fraternity Number /^ >>--''^ii was settled satisfactorily did Western '^3^ '**>^-^'l£r^^ Electric buy a single pole. CL Purchasing all the Bell System uses is a vast and fascinating task. It requires keen judgment, extensive research, scientific planning. Western Electric continually searches the whole world to make sure of adequate sources of supply. CThis is just one of its many responsibilities in the Bell System. Western Etectric Manufacturers . Purchasers.. . ^distributors SINCE 1882 FOR )^»t lUE BELL SYSTEM The SIREN Edilor-in-Cliief Business Manager I.ars Halvorsen Make-Up Editor Marion Irrmann Exchange Editor Alice Ireland Literary Editor Lou Ruskin Art Editor Harold Bowen Assistant Art Editor Dick Hagan, Charles Jacobson, Sidney Turner, Vladas Jurgelonis, H. E. Nelson, Margaret lletzner, Josephine Gallowav, Dorothy Pelzer, Tom Powers, Bill Kapplc, Eleanor Dolliiis, Henry Avery, O. Becker. Martha Righter, Douglas Frost, Geneva Hitt, Clifford McCartin, Ed Malley, Marion Peterson, Hal Jewell, David Jones, Helen Clarton, Helen Hauorth. Business Staff W. O. Edivards 4dv. Mgr. John McCormick Asst. Cir. Mgr. M. E. Ciosnell Asst. Adv. Mgr. Virginia Edes -Isst. Cir. Mgr. Joe Gallentine Circulation Mgr. William Zoller Collection Mgr. Grace Keiser, Helen DeHaven, Wilma Haeger, Hanna Friedmann, Mary Joan Bunting, Raene Kendal!, Dorothy Herron, \'irginia Morton^ Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Office at Urbana, Illinois, bv act of Congress. March 3. 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price ^1.00 the year. Address all com- luinications. Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Illinois. Copyright, 1930, hy The Siren. Exclusive reprint ights granted to (mgeHUnOr magazine. Contents COVER Harold Bozren Cartoon, by Lou Ruskin 6 Madame X Says 7 My Book of Hims, by Jl Nicss 16 Do You Know — , by (Jhnr/rs Jacobson 17 Coining Di.stractions, by Catherine Haynie 18 Fraternity Number The Greek Situation In our recent investigations into the moral side of fraternity life we have discovered a decided lax- ness among Greek actives, probably decided after due consideration. What agencies have been responsible for this state of affairs and what means can be taken to remedy the situation have called forth this editorial. We have noticed that bars have sprung into increased popularity during the last few years among the organized men. In that one fact we see undisputable evidence of the influence of the Main Stein song. "A bar in every room" has come to be the slogan of many a prominent Greek house, and the motto does not refer to cakes of soap. Another contributing cause to the moral downfall appears to be in the harmless appearing loving cup which adorns house mantles. We have found that students of economics, irritated by the lack of utility apparent in them, have taken up the habit of smoking in order to assign some use to the cups as receptacles for tobacco ashes. As a means of combating the growing evils, we suggest that other houses follow the excellent example already established by some — that of scratching or otherwise mutilating records of Rudy Valee's master- piece so that when played, the hic-hic and frequent lack of coherency will have a moralizing effect on the brethern. So far as the cup proposition goes we would advocate the practice of presenting cups, if at all, only if they had lids. The extra effort involved in lifting this cover would deter all but the most energetic from the insiduous practice of dumping cigarette ashes into the trophies. We feel that various other solutions, equally absurd and effective, could be advanced to cope with this enigma. But one which is unquestionably efficient is this — buy a copy of the SIRE\, read it, and have no time for petty misdeamors. ^ On Serenades We wouldn't discourage fraternities from serenading for anything in the world, but after all, there is a limit to what any sorority will stand when the would-be Lawrence Tibbetts come crooning 'neath the dorm windows of an evening, even the most sentimentally inclined young ladies are apt to be more than a trifle irritated at losing their beauty sleep. And so we view with alarm the degeneration of what must have once been a beautifully romantic custom, and which has come to be received in this coldly realistic age with only polite enthusiasm. However, we do want to help these poor benighted lads who are trying to express the music in their souls, but whose harmony is so close that, as a famous literary light has put it, "it is betimes a bit stuffy." And in our earnest endeavor to help them, we are taking this opportunity to drop encouraging little hints, which we are sure will be of great value. To begin with, won't they please, oh, please refrain from bursting into a sprightly version of that old favorite, "Pull Your Shades Down, Mary Ann!" Imagine thinking romantic thoughts when the boys are gayly caroling about a lady whom we all know had false teeth, and, (we blush for her) — a wig! And then they proceed to follow it up with "Exactly Like You" or some such charming number. Grave atten- tion simply must be taken in choosing likely numbers, and may we suggest something like Mendelssohn's "Song Without Words?" We come now to the keynote of a successful serenade, about which so many fraternities are shame- fully ignorant. It is the undeniable fact that really to put their songs over, a pipe organ is practically in- dispensable, both in keeping them in tune, (that itself would be a tremendous improvement), and in add- ing a culture and dignity to the whole performance. Accept this gentle criticism, dear serenaders, in the helpful spirit in which we give it, and take this as our last bit of sound advice — stop singing altogether. The SIREN ,^ . : >^^^4^^' ^^-^-^-^ • > FRATERNITIES IN 2000 A. D. First rushee: "Say, bo, where ya goin'?'^ Second soak: "Don't knoiv yet, but if a south wind comes up I'll probably land Theta Xi." Fraternity Number Madame X says — We have in our possession a paper written by a young lady, after she was informed what this page would consist of. It reads, "I would like to rate the Madame X page. Elsie Searing Moore." Now Elsie if you will go out and make history we will be glad to become historical. Gamma Pi Vpsilon It is rumored that the Sig Alfs are paying one buck to certain of their members to run around the balcony of their house three times. Phi Kappa Phi This is absolutely a true story. Eddie Baldwin, over at the Triangle house, spent his summer at Camp Custer. As the story goes, Eddie and a certain captain both had dates with a certain little girl for the same night. Neither one would give her up, so they both prepared for the big event. The captain squirted himself generously with strong perfume, and the boys, thinking that Eddie's toil- ette lacked something, smeared his hat with limberger cheese. The two went off together, and when they met her swinging on the garden gate, she wanted to know what on earth smelled so. The cap- tain, thinking it was his perfume she meant, volunteered that he did. So Eddie got the date ; and when they were seated comfortably in the theatre, she leaned over and whisper- ed in his ear, "Phew, I can still smell that captain." Siyiiia Alpha Epsilon * ''The above won the two tickets to the R. K. O. Virginia. If the writer of the above will come into the Siren office, his tickets will be waiting for him. Cosmopolitan Club Mr. Horner, in discussing the beautiful Delta Zetas, remarks, that although he has never dated one he can at least SEE them. This state- ment seems rather trite to us in that Mr. Horner is a Kappa Sig, with a room on the third floor opposite the D. Z. house. Sigma Alpha Mu A certain Beta by the name of Mr. Duncan, explains that he is going to take Peg Parker to all the campus dances, because he likes Peg in a formal. My, my, what foresight these Betas do have ! - Omicron Alpha Tau Bob Carter, Sig Pi, is taking As- tronomy 1 because he heard that one evening a week is spent on the South Campus star gazing. Bob, you weren't born yesterday! Kappa Theta Sigma Bob Lott, Beta, turned to painting about two days before school. It seems he met JVIiss Patten, D. Z., and after an acquaintanceship of a few hours, went over to the D. Z. house after supper and helped Miss Patten paint her room blue (and the town red). Kappa Zcta Rho While we are speaking of Miss Patten, maybe she would be kind enough to explain what she did w'ith that chewing tobacco, the Chester- field salesman gave to her. Theta Kappa Phi Madame X Will Give two tickets to The R. K. O. Virginia lor the best contribution printed on tliis page in the next issue. Put contributions in the Siren box under tlie steps on the first floor of Ini. Hall. All names of contributors \iill be kept in secrecy. Do you know Helen Struggles over at the Chi O house ? No ? Well we can't blame you; it doesn't sound like a Chi O. Gamma Eta Gamma Mr. Brigham, Beta, would have his brothers, and the general public know that he will undoubtedly be the next student colonel. Colonel Brig- ham, we salute you! Alpha Kappa Lambda A few evenings ago, Miss Louisan Mamer, noted woman's editor of the Illini, was seen with three very prominent young men, both at the R. K. O. Virginia and at the Roof. All three young men seemed very happy and content. This, we think, not only entitles Miss Mamer to be Woman's Editor of the Illini, but gives her sufficient back- ground to also write a column for the love-lorn, of which two Chi Os, who were supposed to be \\ith two of the said gentlemen, should be in- terested readers. -Trianglc- If you tickle "B" Stevens, her glasses drop off! Sigma Delta Kappa May we congratulate Art Nau- man, Sig Ep, now known as the sweetheart of Gamma Fi ; who with- in the first three weeks of school, has broken four of the sistern's hearts. Delta Phi Epsilon There is really no time like the present to tell you of the kindness with which our President treats poor dumb animals. It was like this! Pres. Chase was coming to work one morning. Closely following him was a dog, also a part of the 'the chase,' who wagged his tail at every kind word of the Pres. They entered the Administration building, and Pres. Chase, being in a hurry to get to work, jumped quickly into the elevator, lea\ing said pup in the rear. After several minutes of waiting, the pup decided to let the general public know of his poor treatment. Without further delay he voiced his woe in loud accents, commonly known as howling. Pres. Chase, hearing the familiar voice, came out of his office, called the pup, who ran up the stairs to the happy reunion. The Pres. in going out to meet the pup however, went to the dogs ! Sigma Phi Beta There is a cute little red-head fre- quenting the lawn of the Phi Delt hovel. From the way she plays croquet we have a faint suspicion that she is an Alpha Fie. Alpha Lambda Tau (Continued on Page 20) The SIREN Interviewing the Great Professor Spalding "Oh: Professor Spaliliiijj, may 1 see you for a moment? I must inter- view you for the Siren." "Indeed you may," cried the great man as he walked off the screen and onto the back of the stage. "Hut why not have a riverview instead ; person- ally I like wet parties." "To begin with, Professor, what do you think of the foreign situa- tion?" "Any situation is foreign to most people," came back Groucho, quick as a flask. "Hut there is one foreign situation that demands the undivided attention to both sexes, and that is the banana situation. The banana is a constant danger for it has appeal, appeal that sweeps you off your feet and leaves you downhearted for days on end. I have yet to see the person that falls downstairs and enjoys the trip, which all goes to show that one cannot trifle with a banana and come off unscathed. I must be off now for my sauer- kraut awaits without — why do I say sauerkraut? Because it is not the cab- age. I'll tell that to the king; maybe he'll knight me. If he socks me I'll be a Knight of the Garter." With that the great man dashed ovit of the door holding himself at arm's length. Thcta Kappa Nil Farm Propaganda A discussion was in progress dur- ing the recent class elections. Says a Psi U : "Yea, Holstein from the house is nominated for sophomore presidency." "Well, well," comes back a Phi Gam, "I always thought you were running a barn over there." Thcta V psil'Jii Oiiui/a Cheek First Greek: "Sorry to keep you naitiiu/, old thing, hut you knoiv ice Here having house meeting." Second disorganized: "Yea, I just got out of a hull session too." ■ Phi Sigma Kappa Grid Minded Ask a modern college student to tell you about Shakespeare's plays, and he'll ask you what school he coaches, and what teams they play. Delta Kappa Epsilon Did you ever stop to think that a really intelligent girl never looks in- telligent because she's intelligent enough not to? Gamma Phi Beta They tell me a bigamist is a man who makes the same mistake twice. Perhaps he is an optimist. Zeta Psi A REAL SCOTCHMAN A Scotchman in church, when the plate was passed around, dropped into it a five-dollar gold piece in- stead of a quarter. He reached to take it back, but the plate had gone by, so he said, disgustingly: "Aw, to hell with it; it's for the church!" Delta Alpha Epsilon Pledgie had a little lam; It pained him, so he blurted : "I never will be bad again, 'Cause active's paddle hurted! Delta Zeta "an Ah still maintains it was Lily ob de Valley" What is really said in a term report Sonny Gets a Letter Dear Son : I was extremely sorry to hear of the trouble you are having with your eyes. I have been wondering about you. It was only last night that I said to your mother, "It's about time Junior was having some trouble with his eyes. He hasn't been bothered since last February." I think it would be advisable to consult a good doctor there at school. I really don't think these doctors here know much. Every one of the five times you have had to come home they have said that there was nothing the matter, and you ought to know if there is something the matter with your own eyes, oughtn't you? Your mother says you may bring your roommate home with you for the holidays if you want to. How- ever, remember that you have brought roommates home before and spare us the press agent material. Save it for the village damozels. You will have the use of the car, and I will see what I can do about having plenty of hot water. We are still living on Main street. Your Dad. Theta Upsilon Fraternity Number ENLIGHTMENT Shades of night were falling, much to my regret, as I strolled leisurely and alertly along sorority row in this strange and unfamiliar college town. One after another, as light after light flooded respective rooms, the shades fell, shutting off the streams of yellow rays which had previously guided my eyes on the upward paths. From the Kappa Delts to the Thetas all curtains were drawn as lights went on. Were these the homes of co-eds? I asked myself wonderingly. I could scarcely believe the actualities. How different they were from the sororities of my home university where everything had been so demo- cratic and free! My faith in womankind was being severely shaken but refusing to become discouraged, I continued on my what appeared to be fruitless task. While engrossed in my search, an elderly lady accosted me with a "My good man, it seems to me that you are unduly interested in our sororities?" "No, madam," I answered, catching sight of and starting toward an unveiled window on the second floor of the Pify house and realizing that at last my search was to be rewarded, "I am merely seeking for the light." Alfha Chi Rho A girl used to look up a fellow's rating in the social Blue Book; now she looks it up in the income tax reports. Theta Chi Scientists have just disclosed that bees travel 300,000 miles to collect a pound of honey. The American tourist does double that to collect a bag full of stickers. Beta Phi Alt>ha The world trusts a man who admits he likes onions. Tau Delia Tau The A. K. L. sinokins, drinking; and swearing room In the Rock Gardens Gamma Phi blonde: hti't that a beautiful butterfly on my knee: it must think I'm a flower." T. U. O.: "That's no butterfly, that's a horsefly." ■ Latnbda Chi Jl/'ha Doc: "Now read the letters on that chart." ':i4 (after many vain attempts to get out of militar.v): "What chart?" Delta Siijma Lambda From the Lips of the Famous 'Who the hell wants to get married unless he wants to?" — //. L. Mencken. 'So we took the fifty thousand- -Jackson and O' Brine "I believe Washington, Lincoln, and Hoover to be the three greatest presidents: Washington freed our country, Lincoln freed the slaves, and Hoover freed the working man." — Jf'iU Rogers. "America needs an ambassador of good will. Why not elect 'Good Will Rogers' ; the Illiterate Digest will gladly conduct the polls." — Herbie Hoover. "While in Rome, do the Romans." — Ben Mussolini. "The economic situation is not alarming." —John D. Rockefeller. "I'm an atheist, thank God." — Gandhi "Men still appreciate art and beauty — especially beauty." — i\Iary Jane Caldivell. "It's a shame the way idols of American slang have ap- plied the dignified nautical term 'three decker' to sand- wiches." — Gar Wood. "It's the cut that counts." Any Bootlegger. "The Siren still holds its rank in the line of America's humor." — The Staff (Rank is right). "Modern humor is vile." Beta Theta Pi- -The Editor. 10 The SIREN only man who has ever snubbed the Thetas and sot away with it S'nuff girl "MissMinumff, Jack, th introduced y'to at h'sdance." "Sure. I 'memberyu — swellookiii' blonde 'nblack." "Oyeuh? Didjulikit?" "Y'r swell dancer too." "Y'rnot goofin' me huh?" "Musics lousy — S'terrible." "S'awfull." "Havasmoke?" "Dyintu. Camel?" "Nope. Smoke any given brand." "Crakinwise. huh. S'old." "S'tunes swell. Dance?" "Don't be sil' ". "O. K." "Beseeinyu." "Cernly. S'pleasure." lilts Fraternity You'll have to admit that these neic hats the ijirls are irrarint/ are the berets. Beta Psi DAPHNE AND MERCURY FREDDIE was a TEKE, but he knew he COULD live that down SO his date — a PIFI— and he ENTERED into a L(^NG discussion about ALL Tekes ; he SAID: "We are just TOO great!" WHEREUPON our ITTIE-BITTIE pifi answered, (IN THAT WAY) : "Name the TWO !" Delta Tau Delta And then a prune is nothing more than a plum that has had a secret sorrow which made it wrinkle young. Phi Mu A dumb co-ed is one ivho thinks that "hanging a /'in" is a zvash- iLomnn's job. Alj^ha (raiiinia Delta Owed to an Iceman I'm old and cramped, My spirits damped, I think of days gone by. When men were bold, .Arid ice stayed cold From May until July. Oh man of mine — His lips were wine When on me he did call. Those secret hours Beneath my bowers — He seemed so strong and tall. Those days are done, Old age has come. My life I've lived, no doubt. I've lost appeal, My life's not real — My ice man left his route. — — Alpha Chi Omega DIAMONDS FOR LOVE The two were seated there deathly still, eyes peering into each other's. In their five years of married life they had often been this way ; he, a bit afraid and worried, realizing that his next move might mean the end of all their happiness; she, tense, nervous, waiting. He stared straight ahead, knowing that her eyes were boring into his, trying — oh, trying very hard — to help him, yet she could do nothing. He could wait no longer. Whether it meant the end of everything or not he had to act. He looked straight at her for one last moment, as if to gather a bit of courage for the word he was about to speak, then whispered, "Five Diamonds" and the bid was theirs. Alpha Delta Theta Worm's eye view of the Roclt (iardens Fraternity Number 11 the work accoiiiplislied while i>tu().viiig with an Alpha Plii Dedicated to the Freshmen Little Jacic Horner Sat in a corner, Necking an A. D. Pi. He begged for a kiss From this big-hearted miss, Then said, "What a smart boy am 1 !" Kappa Sigma The Thomas Edison Test for Frat Pledges Practical 1. If you were walking down Wright street at 3 a. m. with a Pify on one arm and a Chio on the other and your belt suddenly broke, what would you do? Think carefully; which is most important at 3 in the twilight, a Pify, Chio, or a belt? Answer briefly and come right out with the truth (you dirty brute). 2. If you were studying ( a hypothetical set-up) in the Rock Garden with the moon overhead and about half under the belt and you caught the night watchman and the boiler stoker necking with the former's daughter in the engine room, what would you do? Keep on studying, make a proposition with the boiler stoker to get up steam in the boiler, or sell the night watchman a day bed? Think of the position of each man, including yourself, and decide. 3. Suppose that shnoogle rooms were installed in the fifth floor of Uny Hall. Figuring three co-eds and a Sig Chi in each of ten rooms, calculate the stress on the east beams. Range your figures on a chart in order from 10 at night to 4 in the a. m. An extension may be needed on the chart about 2 o'clock. 4. (a) Suppose that all the windows in the university were to be suddenly painted black at noon on Friday. Would all the absent minded professors returning to their afternoon classes think that night had fallen and return home ? Be tolerant and put your self in place of a professor for a moment, what would you do? (b) If there were A. D. Pis in the rooms at the time would the reactions be any different? Why not? Phi Delta Theta SHORT ROMANCE PLAY IN ONE ACT A forlorn appearing, poorly dressed girl, sitting on a park bench. Artist approaches and notices her. Artist: "Would you care for a job?" Girl: "Yes, what sort of a job?" A.: "Nothing serious. I want you to model for me." G. : "Oh! but my dear sir, what would my poor mother say?" A.: "No, I don't mean that! I want to draw a picture of a steamship going up the Chicago River." G. : "Yes, but what am I to do?" A. : "Well, you stand in a tub of hot water while I paint the picture." G. : (Looking romantically into his eyes) "Do you mean that?" A.: "Gee, but you're beautiful! I didn't realize it until I thought of that steamship." "You're wonderful." 'I love you." "I love you." They get married. (Curtain) Alpha Rho Chi- \ Portrait of a co-ed without any visible means of support 12 The SIREN Family Relief Kverything seemtHl nice ami calm tliis niorniii";. W'hcii mother came downstairs, the rooms were not all upset ami the door was not half-ajar (it was a whole jar) nor were the milk, bottles tipped over by some one who stumbled up against the doorway. Things weren't recklessly strewn about upon the chairs and floor. No one was disturbed early in the a. m. by .sounds as of burglars breaking into the house, and lights in neighbor's windows were not turruil on in curiosity to see what was happening. Kven when the phone rang mother was not worried, and answered it calmly, for she had looked in the garage and seen that the car was safely stored inside. Everything was calm and quiet, everything was back to normal. Junior had returned to college yesterday. Psi I 'psi/n„ Absent-minded travelling salesman (calling wife on phone): "Hello, honey! Just arrived in town; how about a little party?" l)(ltii Cltiiiiiiiii Dustiii;; olT the lioiiic plate College A B Cs (Selected lessons from the new Primer for Rhetoric 00 by Herr Naphtha, designed not only to instruct the student in an easy way in the rudiments of our language, but to i give novel facts and subtle ideas so as to piqque the curiosity aiul srinnilatc the cerebrum.) Lessox VII \rji/ns, I'l fjnouns. Adjectives, Pins The student should look up the pronunciation and meaning of every word in the following sentences before coming to class. (To teacher: a dramatic effect, giving instructive amusement to the entire class, may be obtained by having two pupils read the sentences alternately). Look at the young man. The name of the yovnig man is Joe. Joe is wearing a pin. Why does the young man wear a pin ? He wears a pin because he is in a fra-ter'ni-ty. What is a fra-ter'ni-ty? A fra-ter'ni-ty is a big, brick house. Why is Joe in a fra-tcr'ni-ty?? There are many other young men in the fra-ter'ni-ty whom Joe loves. Why does Joe love these other young men ? ? Because they are fra-ter'ni-ty bro-thers and have clean shirts when Joe has none. Joe's fra-ter'ni-ty is bigger and better. It is bigger and better because it is at Il-li-nois'. Why did Joe join this par-tic'u-lar fra-ter'ni-ty? The Al-might'y De'i-ty knows ; Joe does not. Lesson MCXLVIII ! crbs, Prepositions, Roadsters, Cokes, (^conjunctions See the pretty girl in the au-to-mo'bile. She has a cig-a-rette' in her mouth. The name of the pretty girl in the au-to-mo'bile with the cig-a-rette' in her mouth is Bet-ty. Betty is wearing a so-ror'i-ty pin, and she attends a co-cd-u-ca'tion-al in-sti-tu'tion. Betty's so-ror'i-ty pledged four-teen fur coats and six sport road-sters this fall. Is Betty a co-ed ? A-las, yes. But it is her road-ster. Is Betty a good girl? She is not. She is going to drive her au-to-mo'bile with- out the per-mis'sion of the U-ni-ver'si-ty of Il-li-nois'. Oh look! Who is this about to get into the car with Betty? It is Joe, one of the leading men on the cam-pus. Are Betty and Joe going to ride in Betty's road-ster? Yes, is it not a beau'ti-ful job? Why are they going riding? May-be to study their History lesson; but we shall not go into that now. Phi Kappa Fraternity Number 13 Cokensmoke It nuist be swell not to have to sneak out behind the barn anymore when you want to smoke. Smoke, did I say? Didn't the word fumigate come from the Latin word for smoke? I'll bet. At least these babes think so. The lady on the left orders a coke. Why do they put ice in the things? Don't be silly — to freeze your nose so that you won't notice that it's the lousiest one that you ever had — year of the great drought, you know. They used summer squash. And what's more you'll like it. Just like you'll like that music if your eardrums hold out that long. I really go for places with an atmosphere, and here I am, fool enough to go and admit it. I don't, however, recol- lect ever saying that I cared about having it so thick that it stuck to my clothes. If every cigarette they smoked in here were laid end to end wouldn't there be plenty? That one was almost too easy. What, now, do you suppose the answer to the one about two and two is? There they sit. The man looks at her pensively while she adjusts portions of her complexion. I wonder if I am looking properly pensive. I'd be hot at looking pensive for the proper sort of cigarette ads if I had enough Roman nose to look superciliously down. So she likes to play drop the handkerchief. The next time will make one up for her. I don't mind retrieving three times, but after that she can be it for a while. Post office always was the only game I gave a whoop for. I wonder if she's one of these "but really, I don't know you well enough yet" women. My luck always was lousy. I wonder if I could talk five minutes using that word. Maybe I could if I spent the time counting to a thousand by fives. Five, ten, fifteen you can't pry it into a conversation like that. "Good evening, Mrs. Smith. I thought your party was five, ten, fifteen" if they didn't guess right they might think you worked in the dime store. Now to catch up on the home work. We are going to walk ten blocks and like it. And anyway, I hate sitting here and dawdling while all of those people in line look yearningly at this table. "Always be kind to Our Dumb Friends, my lad" ; that's what my grandfather said to mc when I was young. Besides that music will have me cut- ting paper dolls in another five minutes. It's lousy. Chi Tau SORORITY THEME SONGS A Cottage for Sale Alpha Phi Ain't Misbehavin' Pify Little White Lies Alpha Kappa Alpha You Brought a New Kind of Love to Me A. E. Phi Kiss Waltz Delta Zeta Just a Little Closer Zeta Tau Alpha Back in Your Own Back Yard Alpha Xi Delta Around the Corner Delta Gamma We're on the Highway to Heaven Chi Omega Thetn Delta Chi Now wlu'ie Ihf Ht'll is the Natioii:il History l>iiil(liM4:? Kappha History Prof. : What is the latest date mentioned in your book ? He: (dreamily thinking of his diary) Sunday night until 4 o'clock. Alpltn (Jhi Sigma "Avoid that oncoininy sliadrjiv," thought our little Mary Lou as she seurried aside to let a motor truek raee by one foggy day. ilpha Delta Phi "Not everybody has as dark a future as I do," sobbed Col. Maxwell Johnson of the Boonville corps, "We all get knocks while we live, but I get "taps" after I'm dead." Delta Sigma Phi There is some advantage to being a fraternity member — just think of trusting the hash any place else. .\bsent- minded travelling salesman (to his wile): "Hello Honey! Just arrived in town ; how about a little party? "Wliat's the matter^— don't you retosnize her?" "I don't know, it isn't dark enough yet." Kappa Alpha Theta N. B. LUCY STONE LEAGUE It is known to scientists that a cannibal will not touch the flesh of one who has used tobacco. Good ! we always knew that there was some beenfit in smoking. Sigma Alpha Iota Prof. : "Why are you leaving, there are three more parts to this lecture?" Soph: "Yes sir, that's just why I'm leaving." Sigma Phi Sigma Frosh : (after senior ducking) "How am I now." Junior: (helping repair the warriors) "(^h, all right. Your eye's still a bit swollen, but that doesn't bother me a bit." Frosh: "I can understand that. If your eye were swollen it wouldn't bother me either." Alpha Delta Pi Tri Delt: "You're not the boy who kissed me three months ago." Deke : "I should say not. I'm the bo\ you kissed five weeks ago." Alpha Chi Sigma " and mother," said little Betty enthusiastically de- scribing her first morning at Sunday school, " 'Onward Christian Soldiers' was the theme song." Delta Zeta Dean: "What steps ought to be taken to get students to their classes on time?" Bean: "Faster ones, I'd suggest." Alpha Gamma Rho 16 The SIREN Sally Tallenwider that old Scandal Monger lays bare to the Gasping Public — -a purr and innocent girl My Book of Hims Etchings by Lou Ruskin Having been quite a pure and innocent girl in my child- hood, I look back on my past with a sort of self-satisfied smile, that is up to the time I was eighteen years old. From then on I became a veritable Gabriel sounding my horn and stepping on the gas at every corner. However, as the years sped by, there were times when I didn't know if I was turn- ing a corner or was on a straight-away. After reaching the age of twenty-five, and realizing that experiences as mine are not to be found in every home, I hereby set forth my accounts of crime, misdemeanor, and wrong-doings. I'm a wise woman, thanks to all my ac- quaintances, and what I don't know about life in the rough isn't worth knowing — I'll have you know I didn't come down in the last shower. I started college at eighteen, pledged Bethany Circle the first week, and subscribed to the Daily Illini. That was the first step in my downfall — I met Jack Adams, the editor. He started to see me— I can still remember how he used to come plodding into the midst of the circle (the brute) and yell "I think Sally is expecting me." And then the answer he'd get. "If you're the goggled-eyed sap who does nothin' but sit on the couch an' twiddle ya thumbs and dangle ya gunboats from side to side and eat the candy ya bring and look like a dumb fish-face, then she is expectin' ya." That cut him to the quick. I told him to read the New Testa- ment again and scram. He left, but he left his mark. Then I got into a scrape with Pete Yanuskus, the foot- ball player. He bought me a new sable and I says, "Thanx, — It'll keep me nice and warm." "Warm, hell, that's to keep you quiet." It did for a while. After that came Paul Strohm, the football manager, as nice a boy as ever squashed a corsage. He did nothing but talk about his family. "I'm a family man by nature," says he, "all my ancestors on both sides have families." He wanted to be my "steady fella." If he'd been any steadier, he'd been motionless. I finally took him in hand and taught him a thing or three. He faded at the end of the summer with the rest of the lilies and I planted him out the door. "1 Then I suddenly decided to shun men, figured I could get along without them. Decided on the finer things of Fraternity Number 17 life. The Star Course appeared as a loop-hole. I joined and was thrown out of the first concert for demanding "Little White Lies" as a request number. "Oh well, life's not all roses," says the pleasantest voice. I looked, a man again! Introduced himself as Stacy Woods, manager of the Course. Damn those managers, can't manage them- selves, much less any thing else. I accepted his invitation to a party, drank him under the table, the piano, the fireplace, and the rug. Carried him home an ddelivered him with the milkman. The next day I walked to the gym to rent a couple of Indian clubs for protection and saw the nicest young wrestler that ever knocked the dust out of a mat. Gene Tonkhoff, I think he called himself, from the Phi Sig gym. He liked the way I raised my heels as I walked and decided we'd get along great. He taught me a few new holds. I decided he was rotten, never seemed to get any farther than a three-quarter Nelson, and I like things done complete. He would have come around O. K., but I got sick. By the time I was on my feet again, my old friends had flunked out of school, leaving me alone like a college widow. So you see, dear readers, the depths to which a re- spectable woman can fall, though there is a bit of pride in " — got caught one night — " my voice when I say that I was self-made. May I add in parting a sort of warning to the unwary, a warning that I have forever kept before my thirteen daughters, beware of editors, football men, managers, and wrestlers. Men may come, and men may go, but worms as these turn on you forever. DO YOU KNOW— by Charles Jacobson That, according to some of our scintillating zoology students flies cannot see so well because they're always leaving their specs behind? That, Betty Daly, diminutive Chi O, picked the first anti second winners at Belmont Park last summer by closing both eyes and jabbing at the card with the prongs of a hair pin ? That, Bunting and Patten, the Delta Zeta personality girls, have decided to work up an act for vaudeville, and then gesticulate accordingly? That, Ruth Ashmore, of popularity contest fame, was seen in brown suits and ensembles five days out of the week? That, Finnegan and Gard, the well known Tri-Delt sister act have won more doubles cups than any other song and dance team on the campus ? That, according to the American Mercury, the Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity, founded in 1913, has houses at its twenty chapters which average $51,000 apiece? That, Harold Maki, Sig Pi pledge, dated three different Delta Zetas on three consecutive nights? (Ask dad, he knows). That, Evelyn Cote, sweet Z. T. A., is an acrobatic dancer of no small ability? (This might be said of many others — but we haven't seen Jay Seeley at Park for quite a while). 1 hat, Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy, was a Kappa Sigma ? That, Lee Savage has transferred his field of observation from behind the Theta house to the more fertile fields of LTrbana? That, Prof. Adams, head of the Chemistry department, is a direct descendant from the John Quincy Adamses of Massachusetts? That, Chester A. Arthur, and Wm. H. Taft are Psi U's? (a couple of big men "a-round" town). That, only 28 per cent of Chicago's male population have an income of $50 a week or more? (However, we all can't work on the Tribune). That, the Kappa Sig's and S. A. E.'s have more than one himdred chapters each? (safety in numbers). That, the old "who was the lady I saw you with last night" gag, was first sprung by those two famous vaude- villians, Weber and Fields, some thirty years ago, and- — That, Wm. Randolph Hearst once paid $750 for a box seat on an opening night at the Weber and Fields Music Hall? (Continued on Page 23) The SIREN Coming Distractions As reviewed by Catherine Havnie Thus opi'iicth wliat yc honorable editor (aren't all editors honorable?) has been pleased to announce as a second new feature in the brochure of buffoonery, this journal of jocu- larity. Since the announcement was made, the original reviewer has been involved in lethal fisticuffs with some nasty bacteria of the t/iniis — oh, well, you think up a good name. So disposing of what shoidd be a formal introduction, we settle down to serious business. At Mr. RKO's \'IR(^iINIA, you can see, provided nothing goes wrong with your eye- sight, Milton Sills in Jack London's "The Sea Wolf," gone talkie. As Wolf Larsen he hits first, thinks second, apologizes never. Blonde and beautiful Jane Keith is the only woman in the cast, but being a blonde, has the situation well in bond. The horror and brutality are a little too realistically done for the squeamish. This was the last picture made by Sills before he died of a heart attack brought on by a strenuous game of tennis with his wife Doris Kenyon in Los Angeles. Refuting a favorite theory that most cinem actors (thank you. Time) are hollow above the neck are the following facts : Sills was a bank director, an ex- pert at chess, a pianist of note, a student of literature, and a Fellow in Philosophy at Chicago. He once told a New York critic, '.'I went on the stage, you poor ape, because I thought it would give me more leisure to read. What I w^ould rather have done than anything else is to write." By that speech he proved his humanity. Before we take up all the other products of the film factories coming to the VIRGINIA, let us announce a series of one-reel football pictures produced by Knute Rockne at Notre Dame under Pathe auspices. Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday for six weeks will be re-enacted famous plays of famous coaches. Beginning with a forty-yard pass for touchdown from Benny Fried- man to Osterbaum of Michigan to a fifty-yard run for touchdown by Chris Cagle in the Yale bowl, most of the spectacular plays of the decade are included. Slow motion photo- graphy, a line play shot from four or five different angles, a Rockne scor- ing play never before revealed to the camera, distinguish the series. Take your girl along and complete her football education. After suffering badly from the stupid label of being a second (iish, Helen Twelvetrces, 1920 Wampus star, runs the ball back from kick-off for score in "Her Man" which hap- pens to be "Frankie and Johnnie" adeptly adopted to the screen. Among other things the show contains a good fight sequence. But don't take your younger brother or sister. The chief recommendation of "Back Pay" is Corlnne Griffith, ex- quisite if declasse — and if you are in- terrogating us, that is recommenda- tion to spare. This is the Orchid's last picture before exchanging the glare of the Kliegs for the glamour of marriage (permanent, she says). And, as we said before, check and double-check, the week of the 26th for the first full-length picture of the modern American phenomena which is vieing with pony golf for suprem- acy — the dusky Amos n' Andy in their spasm of spontaneity "Check and Double Check." Why say moah?" Moving over to the Orpheum, you will find "Good Neivs" with most of its original music intact, and Zelma O'Neill snapping into her original Varsity Drag. Dorothy Mackaill chalks up an- other score with the cleverly con- ceived "Flirting Widow." Contin- nental comedy, adequately adroit, re- sults from the combination of Mac- kaill and Basil Rathbone. Lila Lee and Robert Ames in an- other gangland picture "Double Crossroads" do provide more than the usual amount of entertainment. "Santa Fe Trail," epic of the rail- roads, is better than most of recent historical productions — and some of them have been above the average. Watch for "One Romantic Night" — Lillian Ciish's first phonoplay. Here is one instance where the voice matches the personality (screen at any rate). Somewhat out of the ex- pected Gish groove of the weeping wench idea. Jack Mulhall gets a break at last in "The Fall (juy," one ot last season's legit successes. Makes the most of a supinely stupid out-of- work husband. Simple but not too sweet. By that legerdemain known only to reviewers, we are transported to the Rialto. If you are looking for some- thing succinctly subtle — and who isn't — look in on "Monte Carlo." No matter which way you bet you can't lose on Jack Buchanan, Chavalier of England (which may or may not be a compliment, depending on the point of view) getting himself dexterously in and out of scintillatingly sophis- ticated situations with the pleasingly piquant Jeannette McDonald. The McDonald, in the continental strugggle between passion and pride, finds occasion to break into frequent (and charming) song. Her Beyond ike Blue Horizon would make any strong man all give-in-ee. Claud Allister and Zasu Pitts do their parts to complete this piece of deft diver- tisement. In "Three Paces East," Eric von Stroheim and Constance Bennett, the delicately disdainful high-hat of Hollywood, get all tangled up in the elaborate spy systems of the nations cast in major roles of the World War. Due respect to the producers for cutting out the usual sickening saccharine ending. On the other hand, it is all very tragic, but true. Constance (one simply doesn't call her Connie) incidentally, is one of the few persons to have ever success- fidly ritzed Hollywood and made them like it. And that, for the present, is enough, plenty, and sufficient. Thus spake, not Zarathustra, but Nemesis I. Fraternity Number 19 Salvation Gently, silently, he raised the part- ly open window sash. He stuck his head in through the opening and peered into the darkness of the room. No one stirred. He saw the profile of a bed and in it was a woman. "Cowardly," he thought, as he climbed into the room, "to do this." He removed his shoes, then tiptoed quietly into the darkness, blinking his eyes wildly, trying to catch a glimpse of something he knew he couldn't see. Ah, yes ! There it was ! He picked it up, almost hurried into an adjoin- ing room, and returned in five minutes, muttering to himself, "Well, wifie, you'll never know when this man came home!" -Pi Kappa Jlpha- She Musta Dated a Delt Wuntz upon a time thare wuz a elegant laily. She went ta collidge and after a yere she wuzn't a lady ennymore. So all her ol' time girl fren's ast her how cum. She sez she woulda still been a lady if it wuzn't fer a date she wuntz had with a frat guy. Her ol' fren's ast her wot wuz a frat guy, and she sez a frat guy? Doncha know wot a frat guy is? My Gawd ! A frat guy is, well, lemme giv y'nill'strashun. Take a hobo, see; dress him up jus' a li'l bit, an' let 'm get his likker whare ever he wants ta ; it don't matter much. Then give 'm a li'l money an' a hell uv a line. All right; now change tha word "hobo" to tha word "moron" and that's jus' about wot a frat guy is. Alpha SiffDia Phi The Break Down "Vou know, Helen, or perhaps you don't, but anynvay I think it is posi- tively snooty the way we always find out what fraternity a man belongs to before we will date him. What I mean is, it seems so sort of childish. Just because one man in a house is an unadulterated oaf, doesn't make them all that . . . and just because a couple in another house are O. K., that's not saying they haven't any crocks, cither. From now on I'm going to date by my own judgment and not mob psychology — why, there arc even some barbs in my class who are da-a-arling. There's the phone . . . 'what's that . . . will I take a date for next Saturday . . . well, . . . what is he aimvay ???>??9?" -Alpha Oniiiron Pi- "Say, fellows, I've just decided we aren't being very democratic when we date our women by their sorority only. And here in this noble institu- tion where democracy really is the outstanding characteristic we ought to pay more attention to the girl her- self, not her house. How'd you feel if they all asked 'What is he' Why, there are plenty of good-looking ones, with clothes, too, who just didn't happen to have any one to recom- mend them, and you know that if they don't get in during rushing, they're sunk. I think we ought to cut out this "what is she" racket — and — 'Who am I taking to house dance?' . . . well, you see she's in my history class, and no, she's not in any house — of course she has to be in the same time as the other girls! — and besides that hasn't anything to do with my point, and — aw, shut up!" Kappa Kappa Gaiiiina Judge: "IVere you ever arrested before?" Tough: "Note, honest, judge, do I look like a bud just niakin' me daboof" — Sun Dial. -Sigma Alpha lota- Moo! Moo! Little girl (at football game) : Oh, mamma, see the pretty jerseys! Jaded collegian: Yeah; the thim- dering herd. — Pitt Panther. Delta Sigma Tau 'If I were as clever as yo\x are, I woald be writing for the Siren." "And if you were as smart, yoa woald be wearing Charterhouse clothes from /^^if/^^//^." ;&'> 0^r 20 The SIREN "Certified Dr> Cleaninm.estic tobact 'OS, blended with ex- pert ca re. You'll fin d th em mellour. mild and sn nooth, uith a fv tll-bodied a roma that sir nply can't be en pi rd. It's a si Imple state me •nt of fact to sav money can'i 1 buy a better «•«». rette. ggg g SISEVES ByiQ^G o^ SMOKE We hold certain truths to be self-evident in this matter of smoking — truths that need no garnishing of guff. A fellow smokes because he likes to ; he smokes a certain brand because that brand gives him more pleasure than any other. Year in and year out more people smoke Camels than any other cigarette. We submit that the only legitimate reason is because they enjoy them better. If there's any bunk in that, we hope to swallow a senator. © 1930, R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company, Winston -Salem, N. C. 22 The SIREN Who Owns the Utilities? Operators and managers of public utility companies are not owners of these great agencies. They are simply the men who have been picked by the owners — the great body of stockholders to run these businesses. The natural growth of any community produces a demand for increased utility service so that money invested for increasing the supply of public utility services is really invested for the advantage of the community in which you live. Money that is put into public utility plants and distribution systems does not come from any so-called financial "clique," it comes from no small group. It comes fro mthe whole public. You rub elbows every day with owners of the public utilities, but not on Wall Street of New \'ork, nor Milk Street of Boston, nor La Salle Street of Chicago. It is the people of America and this community your neighbors, your friends and yourself — who are the real owners of the public Utility companies. Illinois Power and Light Coipoiation Alpha Delt: "I call my girl Spearmint." Kappa Delt: "Why Spearmint?" Alpha Delt: "She's after every meal." Chi Omega Sigma Kappa: "I'm blonde, short, sixteen years old, and shy." Lambda Chi: "How many years?" Delta Delta Delta First Phi Sig: "Where can I get ahold of a good Tri- Delt?" Second dope: "Around the waist, and if she resists, she's no Tri-Delt." Alpha Epsilon Fi House mother (to a D. L'.): "Milt, can't you behave? IVhy don't you play the part of a gentleman:'" Milt: "IVhat part?" Phi Kappa Sigma First Kappa: "But why do you call Mac thirty-three?" Second K. : "Oh, he always was an odd number." Beta Chi Loyal Union membership solicitor: "Are you a member of the Union?" Messenger boy: "Hell yes, tF ester n Union." Delta Upsilon First Teke: "Did I understand you to say that your femme was very strong?" Second Drunk: "No, I merely said that her name was Vera Strong." Sigma Kappa You can drive a horse to drink, but a pencil has to be lead. -Chi Phi- Lonesome little co-ed: "Oh well, God loves me, and I can sit on my hands. Sigma AIu Sigma "New High Speed Radio to Link U. S. and China." An attempt to keep up with the revolutions. (^hi Psi Ltnvdge Page Robbie Crusoe I see by the newspaper headlines that Miss Hinklemeyer married Saturday. Heh, heh ; wonder if he was any rela- tion to Friday! Fraternity Number 23 (Continued from Page 17) That, Delta Psi fraternity, more than eighty years old, has the most costly houses of any fraternity, two of which uere given outright by a couple of its millionaire mem- bers? ("cruel man, you can't more-close the forgage on the old stone hedge)." That, Woodrow Wilson, opposed as he was to college fra- ternities, was a Phi Kappa Psi ? That, Lee Gelbach, former Illini, won a cross country fly- ing derby this summer? (I've often wanted a hat like that myself). That, Dorothy Altringer '30, former president of Women's Residence Hall, celebrated her twenty-second birthday on a trans-Atlantic liner with the necessary "eau de vie" while enroute to Paris last summer ? That, the following was quoted at the S. A. E. house meet- ing, "Yea brothers, prohibition is a game that ought to be called off on account of wet grounds?" That, three out of five persons mispronounce "data," which according to Webster's Standard dictionary should be used so, "I could data Theta any time," and the word "detail" should go, as Betty Stoolman, famous kite builder said, "pay close attention to de-tails?" That, Princeton prohibits fraternities? (We girls iL'ill have our rights). That, the Fritz Lieber mob scenes were composed of Pierrot and Alask and Bauble celebrities, among whom were, Lee Savage, S. T. M. Schewel III and Al Epton (he who ran across the stage twice during the storm scene). These gents kept moving about nervously while on stage — they later explained the spasdomic hopping; said it was harder to hit a moving target? Theta Upsilon Omega Intellgence Test No. 00001 A penny where is a penny what? Who trips in where angels fear to do what ? Do what and the world does what with you? What and what waits for no man ? Do unto who — s you would have who do unto you ? Don't do what until you see the what of his eyes? Mighty what from little whats grow? Clothes make a what? What hath no what as a woman what ? It's better to have what and lost than what? What can't you teach an old what what? When to what, when to rise make a man what? — Carnegie Tech Puppet. Delta Upsilon She: "How dare you, with your scandalous past, pro- pose to me? It wouldn't take much for me to throw you downstairs and turn the dogs on you !" He: "Am I to take that as a refusal then?" — V. of Boston Bean pot. Kappa Sigma VIRGINIA NOW PLAYING. The greatest sensation at the motion picture industry Amos 'N' Andy In their first talking picture "Check and Double Check" ORPHEUM October 28, 29, 30 LILIJAN GISH KOI) l..\ KOCQIE MAKIE DRESSLEK (OXKAl) NAGEE "One Romantic Night" STAI{TIN(; OCTOBER 31 "THE FALL GUY" Have Your Shoes Rebuilt at the UNIVERSITY SHOE REBUILDERS Clean Modern Popular colors in dyes Full line of laces, polishes, new heels and other findings 702 S. Goodwin Ave. In the Prehn Bldg. 24 The SIREN Every Illini Wants One Those Beautiful Musical Ash Trays Plays "Hail to the Orange" and "By Thy Ri\ ers" Made in black and silver USEFUL PRACTICAL AMUSING BEAUTIFUL $4.25 THE CO-OP WHAT EVERY GO-ED KNOWS That it is easy to win a man's love if yoii pretend to believe him as dangerous as he pretends to be. That it isn't wise to drink as much gin as your escort, but that it is very pleasant. That a professor often has his weaknesses like anyone else, and that in his weakness lies the strength of your grades. That a soft answer turneth away wrath and a soft look may bring you someone's fraternity pin. That there are two kinds of college girls. Those who pet and those who deny it. That there is place for every thing, and if you aren't careful your escort will park his car there. That a college man is always more intrigued by a co-ed's "Aye's" than her "No's." — Boston Beanpot. Phi Delta Theta Ye Morning After First campus gad-about: "What's the matter, Tom, aren't you feeling well this morning?" Second fraternity man: "Boy, I'm feeling lower than the ring around a Scotchman's bath-tub!" • — Washington U. Dirge. Alpha (jlii Sigma "Did you have my brown suit cleaned and pressed while I was in the hospital, dear?" "No, darling I thought perhaps your black one would look better in case anything happened." — U. of jyashlngton (Jolianns. Kappa Theta Siytna Edward: "You are the sunshine of my life! You alone reign in my heart. Without you life is but a dreary cloud." Eva: "Is this a proposal or a weather report?" — U. of Boston Beanpot. Lambda Chi Alpha Did you hear about the Scotch sophomore who plans to listen to the cotillion over the radio and look at his girl's picture. — Notre Dame Juggler. Delta Alpha Pi Father: I can see right through that chorus girl's intrigue. Lovesick youth: I know, dad, but they all dress that way nowadays. — University of Texas Longhorn. Beta Sigma Psi Fraternity Number 25 Fall needs its own ties The bright ties of summer won't quite do for the fall, it's a different season . . . mellower, quieter, with a different feel. You need some new Cheney Cravats They're at your shop now ... in colors, designs, and weaves for daytime, sports and evening wear . . . for every conceivable occasion. C ]H[ IE N EY ([]]RAVATS MADE OF CHENEY SILKS Cheney Brothers .181 Madison Ave. . New York 26 The SIREN Size 2-9 Triple A to E Shoes for Every Occasion Charm in Footwear is Not a Matter of Price Some folks think that charming shoes must necessarily he expensive. It's a foolish idea, as anyone who has seen our new fall slippers and oxfords will a^ree. "Charm" is a matter of smart design, in harmony with the season's mode. We're displaying now a veritable "Style Show" of new models that are as smart and EXCLUSIVE as as an\' \\()man could \\ ish. Two Popular Prices $5.00 and $6.00 Suedes, Kids, Reptile and Patent Leathers Nelson-Carveth Shoe Store 25 Main Street Uptown Opposite First National Bank Bug House Fables No. 36548720 Thanksgiving Day in the Fraternity. "Good Lord, we've no hrandy to light the plum-pudding with." —Bucknell Belle Hop. Delta Kappa Epsilon She loved the guy who carried the pigskin ; she rode with the guy in the coonskin; she learned from the guy with the sheepskin ; but she married the guy with the frog- skin! — Notre Dame Juggler. Sigma .Hpha Epsilon Speaking of embarrassing positions, how about the fire- men who answered a general alarm from Fraternity Row the other day, only to discover that the excitement was caused by steam escaping from one of the fraternities' hot- box. Before they could get away, three of the firemen had pledged and signed house notes. — Jl'ashington U. Dirge. Sigma Delta Rho Drawing Prof.: "Have you finished making your map.' Certain Party: "No, dear, I can't find my compact." — Annapolis Log. Alpha Sigma Phi The largest truck stopped in front of the sorority house. A man, well-dressed in a suit of livery, stepped sprightly from behind the mahogany steering wheel, walked jauntily up the stairs to the door, and with a jocular air rang the bell most shrilly. Suddenly the door opened and a beauti- ful farmer's daughter smiled benignly at the young man. "What is it?" she asked. The man did not not smile. It was against orders to flirt with damsels. He silently put his hand in his watch pocket and drew forth a package of very small dimensions. He handed it gently but firmly to the fair young maiden. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "Is it a ring?" "No," he answered, "it's the sorority's laundry for last week." — IFash. U. Dirge. Acacia Fraternity He: Hello, girlie, doesn't my face look familiar? She: No, but I think its trying to be. — Colgate Banter. Delta A pha Epsilon Old Version. "Come into my parlor," said the spider to the fly. New Version: "Won't you come on upstairs a moment, " said the rushing chairman to the rushee. — U. of It'ashington Columns. Fraternity Number 27 S'TRUTH All things being equal, the average fraternity consists somewhat about as follows : One President — who appears to be a little tin god on wheels. One Steward — who is pretty much ostracised at meal time. Three apes — who are most unintelligent, but who have football letters. Two Intelligentsia — who are tolerated 'cause they might make Phi Bete. Five Senior Society Men — who abide in such altitudes that they are continually gasping for breath. Two mopes — whose fathers or uncles were Tappa Kegs. Fifteen Nitwits — who are continually in different stages of intoxication and consider themselves the only ones to appreciate the significance of the 'mystic bonds.' One Dodo — who is continually writing stuff like this for some publications board. — Cornell Jt'idoiv. Alpha Rho Chi "And as I stepped off the train I was met by a squad of detectives." "Ah! P'lice to meetcha, eh?" — Jfash U. Dirge. Sigma Phi Epsilon No, Willie, a neckerchief isn't the head of a sorority. — Jfashitigtoii U. Dirge. -Phi Gu Delta- Art: "Do you think you can make a good portrait of my wife?" Artist: "My friend, I can make it so life-like you'll jump every time you see it." — U. of Boston Beanpot. Delta Chi Cannibal chief: What's for dinner? Chef : A missionary and a college boy. Chief: Serve the missionary — I'm in no mood for canned meat. — Bueknell Belle Hop. Beta Theta Pi Phi Delt: I love you, dearie. Hazel: You don't mean it. Phi Delt: My Gawsh, you're a mind reader. —U. of S. Dakota IVet Hen. Sigma Delta Kappa ■ "I'm engaged to be married and I've only known the girl two days." "What folly!" "Ziegfeld's." — Syracuse Orange Peel. Alpha Kappa Lambda "What a whale of a difference a few cents make!" said the commuter, as he started to walk home with seven cents in his pocket. 71/. /. T. J'oo-doo. Rialto Theatre CHAMPAIGN Starting Sunday, November 2 A scrimmage of laughs — a salvo of thrills JOE E. BROWN JOAN BENNETT in "Maybe It's vO\'e The All-American Football Team Starting Sunday, November 9 JOHN BARRYMORE in "MOBY DICK" Rain or Shine You can always get sen ice at KANDY'S Barber Shop No Waiting 12 Chairs 623 East Green Street 28 The SIREN ALL AMERICAN JACK ELDER: . . "One of the best college stories I have ever read!" Huddle IN THE NOVEMBER ISSUE College Humor MAGAZINE "I know of no contemporary who is better qualified to write modern football fiction than Francis Wallace; this is particularly true of the kind of football we play at Notre Dame, as he has had an opportunity to observe it from the inside for the last eleven years. "I know that in his first novel, Huddle. the football scenes both on and off the field will be authoritative and authentic; more so, perhaps, than any long football story of recent years." For Shame! At last she had fallen! Such a thintj ivas huiind to happen. She had disregarded hotli her mother's and father's warnings about such thint/s, and now she was suffering the con- sequences. Others more experienced than she had already succumbed to the disgrace. But she would not listen, on and on she rvent, and noif the mortification of it all was un- bearable. Humanity passed by her; ignored her; no more zvas she to be respected. With a painful sigh little Alicia, aged six, picked her bruised body from the ice and sloivly re- moved her ice skates. — Pitt Panther. Alpha Xi Delta Banker (telephoning) : "Mr. Cohen, do you know your bank ac- count is overdrawn $17?" Mr. Cohen: "Say, Mr. Banker, look up a month ago. How did I stand then? I'll hold the phone." Banker (returning to the tele- phone) : "You had a balance of $440." Mr. Cohen: "Veil, did I call you up?" — Malteaser. Triangle Fraternity First: Yes, I guess every one has different desires. Some thirst after knoivledge and some after music and others after still other things. Second: Well. I can tell you one thing everybody thirsts after. First: What's that? Second: Salted peanuts and pret- zels. — Pcnn Punch Boivl. Sigma Phi Sigma Tourist (to papoose) : So that big bad man busted your doll? Educated Indian Maiden: The philosophy of my forebears forbids any but a stoical appearance but I'd certainly like to make that son-of-a- gun fix the damned thing! — Kappa Delta Rho Chemistry Instructor: "Mr. Jones, I take great pleasure in giving you 87 as your final grade in chemistry." Jones: "Give me a 100, sir, and thoroughly enjoy yourself." — Lampoon. Sigma Delta Tau Fraternity Number 29 FACTS AND FIGURES Nowadajs it's not the facts that show so much as the figures. As has been opined before, all girls can be divided into two classes — pretty ones, and those who just don't care about dating. Common sense is one of the rarest things on earth. Wonder if the man who said women were squirrelly stopt to think that squirrels only chase nuts? Toil Kapp/i Epsi/o?i Dean of Women — "Didn't I see you entering a fraternity house last night at 9:45?" Co'ed — "Yes mam, but I didn't stay a minute — I was just going back after my hat." — Piii?i State Frater. Phi Kappa Psi "Hurrah! I just made a hole in one-half!" "One-half what?" "One-half an hour!" — Pitt Panther. Alpha Epsilon Phi Harassed father: My son's ex- penses at college are terrible. And the worst of all are the languages. Friend : Languages ! How's that ? Harassed father: Here's one item on his account which says: "For Scotch, $250!" — Longhorn. Beta Sigma Psi Does your brother live at a fra- ternity house^ or has he ahvays had such terrible table manners^ — Sun Dial. Phi Epsilon Pi "Pastor Resigns to Be Janitor, Gets More Pay." . . . San Francisco Chronicle. Will take up collection. — California Pelican. Chi Tau A college girl Is like a cop — When she gets hard It's time to stop. —K. U. Sour Owl. Oscar Shaw in hii rfrcssin/r-i of Caloir Silk WAISTCOATS OF REAL QUALITY Before you buy a dress or dinner waistcoat, make it a point to look for the green label of Catoir Vesting on the strap. If it is not there, you may be certain that you are not getting the best in either fabric or workmanship. CatoiR IPronoimcet! "KAT-WAH"1 VESTINGS FACINGS LININGS NOW. . . BRAHMS SYMPHONY No. 2 in D MAJOR recorded bySTOKOWSKI on yictor Records and the Philadelphia Orchestra. Hear this great masterpiece today: Victor Album M-82, Victor Records 7277-7282 The Music You Want When You Want It On GO HOME AND TELL YOUR MOTHER HEAR this merry, merry mel- ody of happy heartbeats set to music... recorded for Victor —and how! by Gus Arnhcim and his high-voltage orchestra. Other Victor Record hits, too . . . each one "the Broadway ber- ries" — sweet or hot — for every mood and moment.The greatest artists and orchestras record exclusively for Victor, in every field. 22S05- tiO HOME AIVD TELL TOITR MOTHER I'm Doin' That Thing Gus Arnheim and Orch, 22506— Confessin' My Bluebird Was Caught in the Rain Rudy Vallee and Orch. 22515— Sing I Still Get a Thrill Ted Weems and Orch. 23000— Okay Baby I Want a Little Baby McKinney's Cotton Pickers Victor Records RCA VICTOR CO., Inc., CAMDEN, N. J. 30 The SIREN Bond Street Spats On Well Dressed Ankles Smart st>'les, snug fit and comfort are just as essential to the spats as spats are to cor- rect dress. That is why you'll find famous BOND STREET SPA IS— expertly tailored from autiioritative patterns — on the really well dressed ankles today. Gome in and see the full line in a wide choice of patterns. $1.50 — $2.00 SPALDING SHOE STORE 19 Main Champaign OFFSIDE "Yes, bi- Football player (after a fashion tion to be a judge some day." She: "You are fortunate. Your experience on the bench will be very useful then." — Virginia Reel. Pi Kappa Alpha Customer: "Do you have any fresh sweet corn?" Grocer: "George, go out and see if that corn is ripe enough to sell yet." — Carnegie Tech Puppet. Delta Tau Delia Credited to a D. U. : "Go wash your face and neck for dinner." "All right to the last phrase, but I'll be damned if I'll wash just for dinner." — Ohio State Sun Dial. Psi Upsilon He: Where were you all my life? She : Where I should be now. — U. of Southern California JVariipus. Phi Sigma Kappa He: Hello baby! She: I'll have you know I'm nobody's baby. He: Aha, an orphan. — Carnegie Tech Puppet. Theta Xi Teacher: "If a group of sheep is a flock, and a group of cattle a herd, what is the name for a group of camels?" Johnny: "A carton." — IVashington U. Dirge. Thrta Nu Epsilon • Our Modem Maidens A favorite of ours is the one about the mother who was giving her four-year-old daughter a scolding. "I'm surprised at you," grumbled the mother; "you go right upstairs and wash your face and neck!" "Who?" asked the child. — Exchange. Chi Phi Then there were two Forestry students who went out to look for a couple of Babes in the woods. — Colgate Banter. Sigma Alpha Mu "So you're a fraternity brother of mine? Give me the grip." "Sorry, bud, I have just a bad cold." — M. I. T. I'oodoo. Beta Chi Dear Dad: For the sixth time I'm asking you for money. I'm flat. Frank. Dear Frank: Sweat for your money. I did. Dad. Dear Dad: I've been doing nothing else since I sent you that first wire. Frank. — Penn. Punch Boivl. Alpha Chi Rho "Just a Little Closer — " "Couldn't you get just a little closer. I know, but please, don't put your arm around my neck that way. Yes, the music is good. That's quite all right, I like you to rub my face that way. Your hands are so soft. Isn't that a fox-trot they are playing now? You do dance wonderfully. Couldn't you pay a little more attention to me? Here is Harry coming in now. Please. I know but shut oi? that radio and go on with the shave." — Notre Dame Juggler. Delta Phi Speaking of force of habit, how about the bootlegger's son who got kicked out of school because of over-cutting? — // ashington U. Dirge. Delta Theta Phi Coach : Say, what's the matter with you fellows. You played terribly. You didn't execute the plays correctly; you didn't charge like you should have. What's wrong? Player: Well, coach, )ou told us to play like we never played before. — So. Calif. U'ampus. \\ Fraternity Number 31 Scientists report that fleas can go without food for two i weeks. But thev won't. — Grinnell Malteaser. i Sigma Pi She: "Say, it's past midnight. Do you think you can I stay here all night?" He: "Gosh, I'll have to telephone mother first." — Exchange. Tluta Delta Chi Things ain't like they usta be. I see where the Chi Psis are adding a tea room to their lawdge." The Betas are now serving cream puffs for dinner (probably to keep that athletic figure.) The Sigma Nus have fallen for tlie strenuous sport of ping-pong. It's no wonder, then, that the grounds committee went to put beds of dainty pansies hither and thither about the campus. — Lchigh-Burr. Alpha Gamma Rho ! Frosh: "Do they flunk many fellows at Washington?" Soph: "Yes, they have a great faculty for that." — Washington U. Dirge. Sigma Phi Sigma We don't permit foreigners to attend this dance. Whatta you mean, huh? Ain't there polish all over the floor ? — Carnegie Tech Puppet. Alpha Delta Phi • This one happened in summer school, disproving the old contention that nothing ever happens in summer school. The scene is an English Lit class, it's English that's lit, and not the class. "What," asked the professor, "the the silent watches of the night?" "The one's the boys forgot to wind," drawled the boy in the back row. — Syracuse Orange Peel. Theta Alpha George is the kind of a fellow that changes the needle on the fraternity house victrola. — Carnegie Tech Puppet. Farmhouse Fraternity Senior: Well, Frosh, having taken freshman English, what do you think of O. Henry? Frosh: O. K., but the nuts stick in my teeth. — Buffalo Bison. Tau Kappa Epsilon First Hebrew Courtier: Solomon's always talking about his harem. Second Ditto: Yeah, it's his pet subject. — California Pelcan. Theta Kappa Phi Now that Homecoming is over, let's be thinking about Dad's Day We had wonderful success with your Homecoming orders because you gave us real co-operation. Please order early for DAD'S DAY. Thank You! BERRYMAN BAKERY 213 South Neil Street Phone 4161 PICTURES ARE INDISPENSIBLE SUCCESSFUL PUBLICATION Etcliir»,oV> Phot'o^Enoi'Os>>)inps Colo npl^at^ s^ GRGRUBBcCQ ENGRAVEllS ,'< CHAMPAIGN, ^' 1 I 32 The SIREN Football Number Dad's Day, Army game, Ohio game, are all featured in the next issue of the Siren, the football number. Stories, cracks, cartoons, drawings made by mini for Illini are featured in every issue. You can't afford to miss a single issue. If you haven't a subscription, just write to the Siren, Illinois Union building. Champaign, enclosing $1.00 in your letter and we will forward vou the next six issues. The SIREN Pi Beta Phi ")'ju say several eollege tiien propnsed in youf" he said, savagely. "Yes, several," replied the icife. "Really quite a number." "IVell, I only iiisli you had married the first damn foot iihn proposed." "/ did." — Texas Ranger. Phi Kappa Tau Reformer: Little bov , do you see that brazen creature over there bedecked in all those furs? Little boy: Yes, sir. IVIy papa. Reformer: Well, do you know what poor creature had to suffer in order for her to have those furs? Little boy: Yes, sir, My papa. Sigma Phi Epsilon Freshman : I want some paint without lead in it. Salesman : What do you mean ? Freshman: I was told to get the lightest colors you have. — Punch Boivl. Beta Kappa ll'oeful looking Freshman comes into drug store. "Do you have any liquor?" "No; I am sorry." ff'ith a sigh: "All right, then, give ?ne a Coca Cola." — Punch Bowl. Acacia Fraternity Customer: A ham sandwich, and make it snappy! Waiter: OK, sir. Ham on rye, Joe, with chopped rubber relish ! — Pitt Panther. Alpha Kappa Lambda The Commencement Procession was just passing the new Liberal Arts building. "For four years I have been chiseling, and look where I am now," cursed an unseen mason at work as he gazed with envious eyes on the graduates. "You're not the only one, baby," cried a flowing-gowned chorus. — Penn State Frater. Phi Pi Phi Coach: (to football manager) "*?! !&% ? all the time losing things. Can't you ever remember where you put equipment ? You never heard of a hen mislaying her eggs, did you?" Phi Mu Delta "Aw go butter your ears," the chief cook told his as- sistant as he handed him back a plateful of corn. — Pitt Panther. Anubis Fraternity 'Tis said that where there is life there is hope. But look at the Alpha Xi Deltas! — U. of Kansas Sour Qui. :.yiy>yjiiii^mHf^^^'A.4i^ ^ ^^^^^ Step Out from the Crowd Suits and Overcoats smartly fashioned ^ It's all in the cut and tailoring that goes with it! That unbeatable conibinatiiin when applied to men's clothing. FLYNN'S demanded the better fabrics and the individual cutting in our suits. While the cost has been an additional one to us. it has produced the dilVerence between average clothes and FLYNN'S clothes. FLYNN'S 604 EAST GREEN ON THE CAM PI S 2©g©7?) CP&QysD(£D^ S^iw It's toasted Your Throat Protection — against irritation — against cough> 9<^ FOOT BAIL NUMBER ■ he bi^^est little antidote for over-work since the invention of Tom Thumb golf . . . cigarettes that really SATISFY! MILDER .. AND *^ BETTER TASTE 1930, Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. Football Number \ 1/A Its great to know There's a place to go When a fellow has a date AND WANTS TO HEAR THE LATEST IN SONG HITS You can always be assured of hearino; your fa\ orite tunes when vou dance the h^^ht fantastic at College Hall WITH FRANK ZELL and His Collegians Modern and rhythmic tunes Where the fellow takes his date When he wants to gi\ e her a break COLLEGE HALL "Dance on the Campus" The SIREN Special Buses Thanksgiving Vacation To MOLINE ROCK ISLAM) DAVENPORT OTTAWA S'FREATOR JOLIET AURORA ELGIN PITTSFIELD QUINGY To MORRISON STERLING LA SALLE PERU MENDOTA OREGON ROGKFORD BENTON MT. VERNON W. FRANKFORT MARION Leaves Prehns-on-Green 11:30 A. M. Wednesday, November 26th Return — Monday A. M. December 1st PARKHILL'S TOURS Phone 4848 or make reservations — Prehns-on-Green — between 1 and 5:30 P. M. FOOD-WISE and Purse — Pleasing You will always find pure food and reasonable prices AT OSTRAND'S CAFETERIA On the Campus Mistaken Identity An Italian, Guisippi Guiricka, Found a cat with a black-and-uhite-streaka. He stooped down to pet it — Gosh, does he regret it! Eureka! Guiricka, you reecka! — Georgia Tech Yellrnc Jacket. S "/ hear they're putting an advertise nient for Ethyl Gaso- line in Roeijiieic Penitentiary. " "I don't sec iihere that's going to get them any busi- ness." "Jf'ell. y'knoii\ Ethyl Gasoline for that quick getaivay." — Penn State Froth. Sig Alt: "Say didn't I see your roommate weari[ig that suit last year?" K. A.: "Yes, but I'm a sophomore now and they let mc wear it. You see I bought it." — L . of Kentucky Moonshiner. Macbeth: Where the Hell are those three old hags. Banquo? Voice from Noii'here: Don't get excited, Mac old dear, and ire'll bewitches in a minute. — Wisconsin Octopus. Football Number They made 36 livires groiiv livliere only one grei^ before ''No product or process is ever beyond improvement", eay Western Electric manufacturing engineers. For ex- Yesterday, the 100 wire cable— ample, see what they did with telephone cable . . . Through today the 3636. Development work goes steadily forward years of patient trial they advanced from a crude 100 wire cable to one only slightly larger which contained 2424 wires — until recently the biggest cable that could be laid in existing conduits . . . Still further eflFort produced the 3636 wire cable of exactly the same diameter as the 2424! Thus they have met the challenge of limited space in crowded cable ducts and have supplied facilities for constantly greater use of the telephone . . . There's a real thrill in this 1 /- , ,1 Absorbing ivork plus out-of-hours habit ol eeekiug and hnding the new and better way ! recreation — both are found at Western Electric. Western Electric M.anufacturers Vurckasers Distributors SINCE 1882 FOR ^«^ THE BELL SYSTEM The SIREN Lars Halvorsen Make-Up Editor Marion Irrmann Excliange Editor Alice Ireland Literary Editor Lou Ruskin Art Editor Harold Bowen Assistant Art Editor Charles Jacobson, Sidncv Turner, H. E. Nelson, Dorothy Pelzer, Tom Powers, Eleanor Dollins, lleiirv Avery, O. Becker, Martha Righter, Douglas Frost, Ceneva Hitt, Clifford McCartin, Ed Malley, Marion Peterson, Hal Jewell, David Jones, Helen Clayton, Helen Hownrth. Business Staff M. K. (losncll Id-vcrtisinij Mgr. John McCormick Asst. Cir. Mgr. Ray Ball Ass't Adv. Mgr. Virginia Edes Asst. Cir. Mgr. Virginia Morton Iss't .idv. Mgr. William Zoeller Collection Mgr. Joe Gallentine Circulation Mgr. Betty Lou Hughes Office Mgr. Haveland Connally, Charlotte Schminkc, Evelyn Nelson, Mary Henley, Otto "Stew" Murphy, Willie Seifert, King Cole, Janet Feller. Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Oftice at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication. Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Address all com- munications, Illinois Union Building. Champaign, Illinois. Copyright, 1930, by The Siren. Exclusive reprint rights granted to C)llgeflllniOr magazine. Contents COVER Ernest Freed Madame X Says 7 How to Play Football, by .41 \iess 10 Much Ado About Nothing, by Henry Avery 14 At the Football Game, by Charles .lardhsnn 16 Coming Distractions, by .-fUee Ireland 18 Football Nimiber HERE IT IS Tin's is the l()iif;-;i\\aiti'(l, li)nti-hoped-tor Football numbcT of the SIREN! Read it ()\er and you will know all there is about football. If \ou don't feel in training when you get through, call the Health Ser\ice Station and let them look you over — it's free. The next issue of the SIREN will be CHRISTMAS number. It will be hot off the presses, De- cember 19, so that you will have it to read on the way home to that Christmas vacation. All contributions will be gladly received and should be placed in the SIREN box, under the west stairs in L'ni Hall. A PRESSING MATTER In an effort perhaps to ameliorate the deplorable state of unemployment, student and otherwise, it is suggested, advised, and urged that Illini men and women take up the gainful occupation of matching wits — as opposed to what, in the vidgar parlance for want of a more graphic word is termed "necking." The question first arises as to what benefits would accrue therefrom. The proponents of this nien- tally stimulating diversion maintain that if you date with ulterior motives none other than a stiff round of wit-matching, the evening will be pleasant, profitable, and without regrets, or words to that effect. An evening of exhilarating, scintillating cerebral communication is sure to result. Such naive faith in the in- tellectual reaches of our students is appreciated, and ought to be justified. But immediately another question raises its head. Are those who are at all capable of any liigh powered mental fencing the ones who stoop low and often to that particular form of anatomical disposition (vertical, horizontal, or 45° angle) under discussion.? Ordinarily not, unless ennui induced by a lack of skill, — the return of parry and thrust, — in a partner wearies them. Or put it this way. If persons are stupid enough to neck promiscuously, indiscriminately, and puerilely (for it is a hangover of adolescence), would they be smart enough to call "heads" or "tails" in a conversation approaching evenly remotely the trenchant, the pungent, the learned? The answer, my dear readers is apt to be a matter of two letters. The proponents of necking have to offer but one sLibject for an evening's so-called entertainment, with perhaps a few variations depending on the deevlopment of technique, — but it is hound to pall e\entuall\ even on the most stupid. Benefits derived at best are dubious, and certainly transient. And the question is debatable as to whether the indulgence is mutually enjoyable. In a large number of cases (see files) while the one party may be enthusiastic, the other is merely submissive. The point at issue is not new. Is it to be mental lassitude and physical activity, or physical passivity with mental agilit\' ? Valuable Facts to Be Eearned From Every F^reshniaii Upon Matriculation 1. Is mental delinquency a common trait in your family? Then why did you come to the University? 2. Are you going to drop the courses you're taking, or don't you mind flunking out? 3. Are you aiming to be virtuous, or are you planning to join a fraternity or sorority? 4. Are you going to work on the Illini, or did you come here for an education? 3. Are you planning to date other students, or are you determined to lead a wholesome life? 6. Do you every worry, or do you still have a "sweet 16" record? 7. Are you going to get a permit to dri\e a car, or have you already made the acquaintance of a dean spy? 5. Are you going to study, or do you expect to date your instructors? '). Do you prefei- Kappa Beta Phi to Phi Beta Kappa, or do you disapprove of the sinjile standard? 10. Shall you enter politics, or will \ou work youi- way through school? The SIREN llicic. IVni\al, ;iihI ilf Football Terms "Ofi-s'idc kick" — statue of victorious Amazonian wife sitting upon stomach of prostrate husband. "Punt" — the lowest form of humor. "Full-back" — drunken football player. "Interference" — any sorority house mother at the hours of 10:00, 11 :00, and 12:30 P. M. respectively. "Time" — fellow taken "out" more than anyone else on the team. "Substitute" — beware of these — "insist on the original, etc., etc." "Guard" — prevents good pearls, etc. from leaving home. "Side-lines" — selling Fuller-Brushes, playing drums, demonstrating fire-cookers to 45 house wives, and taking out Delta Gams. "Safety" — no such thing possible in a football game. "Fair Catch" — Lois Weisman in the dark. "Penalty" — what happens to criminals who are caught, and to Bob Kennedy for passing 9 hours of C. "Pass" — noise made by bridge and poker pla\crs at odd intervals — what our athletes never do. "Triple-pass" — three fraternity bros. sitting together in a final exam. "Quarter back' — what Bob Leicester wanted for his Homecoming badge. "Pig-skin" — these gloves have been banished for ever from the Sammies, Zebes, and A. E. Pi's. "Roughing the kicker" — Stan Bodman smothering any Pi Phi for fun — just good clean fun! "End-run" — damage found in LTnited Hosiery . . .! "Kick-off" — futile command given to any "blind date." "Tuo had consecutive passes' — the last two passes — ( above ) . "End" — this is it. A CO-ED MUSES Gee, it's a keen day, but is it cold ! . . . Cjlad 1 wore this raccoon . . . wonder who that good-looking man with the pipe is? . . . There's Claire . . . ouchy looking man she's witli . . . oh, look, there's the band . . . aren't they just too cute . . . there goes the ball . . . wonder if Jack will take me to junior prom. ... 1 can borrow Kay's new green formal . . . good\-, he's got the ball . . . looks like Jim . . . oh, he tripped . . . hi, Bud, how are you . . . give me a light will \()u.^ . . . did we make a touchdown . . . no? . . . what a shame . . . wonder how much longer this will last. . . . I'm getting cold . . . the other team made a touchdown? . . . some team we've got this year, I'll say . . . I'm cold . . . guess I'll leave . . . stick! . . . stick! ... let them stay and freeze . . . I'm leaving. Reasons Why I Game to College Because everyone else was coming. Because I expected to meet an eligible man (woman). I'm still expecting. Because I didn't know what else to do. Because I expected to meet an eligible man (woman). Because my folks wanted me to. Because I wanted to join a sorority (fraternity). Because I wanted to see if college were like the movies. I found out ! Because I was too lazy to go to work. Because I wanted to play football. Because I wanted to meet an eligible . . . Co-ed: "Honey, I want an ice cream sundae." Boy friend: "All right, dear, remind me of it again. This is only Thursday." S Captain (sharply) : "Button up that coat." Married recruit (absently) : "Yes, dear." -S- Ginshci;; smashes tin Football Number madame X says^ The team was headed towards httle old New York. As the train Ilea red Detroit, the mighty Bob Con- over was seen to stealthily put on his clothes, and go to the door of the car, where he waited for the train to stop. About this same time, numerous reports were coming to the Detroit police to look out for a girl who was burning up the roads between the outskirts of the town and the station. As the train halted, our exalted hero and the above mentioned frail, em- braced each other for fully two minutes. The train started up, our hero got back on it, and the beautiful young damsel went back to the out- skirts of Detroit with a smile on her lips, and a song in her heart. Wot a man ! Wot a man ! And tn think, that a man with such a power over women, is in our midst! One of the sweetest couples we have seen is Doc Johnson, Theta Chi, and his little girl all dressed in brown, who walk aimlessly around the streets of Champaign holding hands in broad daylight. Miss Jane Landee, Chi C), (Jane you don't know how it hurts us to print this) was seen the other day with a Delt pin on. The peculiar thing is, that a Jane is not dating any Delts that we know of, but as she explains, "I always wanted a Delt pin, .so I borrowed this one from one of the sisters." Delta Tau Delta, have you no manlisness left? Would you not not come to the aid of a lady in distress? Surely, among your vast numbers, there is one among you that will only be too willing to give his pin to this truly charming young lady. Come! Show your spirit! A pin for Jane! ■**The above information, netted its donor two tickets to the current show at the R. K. O. Virginia. We thank You! Since the Alpha Phis in their annex across from the Phi Delt house instituted the system of "shades down when lights are on" the Phi Delts report only one pair of field glasses on their third floor. Roy Smith, T. U. O. is to be found at his new home in the Residence Hall, at least he and Clara seem to be monopolizing the living room about ten hours per day. MADAME X WILL GIVE two tickets to THE R. K. O. VIRGINIA for the best contribution printed on this page in the next issue. Put contributions in the Siren box under the steps on the first floor of Uni. Hall. All names of contribu- tors will be kept in secrecy. It was growing dark in front nf the Alpha Phi hovel, and about half the house was saying good-bye to a yoimg man named Jonnie. Jonnie strolled off manfully, but as he walked away one Alpha Phi was very anxious to detain him. "Good- bye, Jonnie!" she called. "So long Merl," answered Jonnie. At once the sweet young thing ran to Jonnie, put her arms around his neck, and turned him around. "Oh! said he surprised like, I'm sorry Marian, I couldn't see you in the dark." Rushing to the nearest phone we called the Alpha Phis. "Is Marian there?" we asked. And who do you supposed answered ? Miss Marian Craig answered. "Marian, we asked, what is Jonnie's last name?" "I don't know his last name, she cooed, but he's a Sig Ep.'" And now we know why bo\s pledge Sig Ep! The following letter will explain in part, how pviblicity gave Miss Jean MacDonald a trip to New York. This letter we think explains itself, so we leave it for your own investigation. Macdonald to Manhattan Campaign Headquarters October 28, 1030. Dear Fraternity or Sorority Member: We are taking this opportunity to write to you on behalf of Miss Jean Macdonald, who as you undoubtedly know, is a candidate in the Bradley popularity contest. Miss Macdonald is the clean-cut, courageous type of American girl that you would be proud to have as \our sister. She is a far cry from the jazz-mad flapper that is infesting the American campus today. Kindly, sympathetic, sweet-dispositioned, lov- able, far-sighted, discreet and demo- cratic — all these adjectives and more can be applied to our candidate — Mi.ss Macdonald. Those of you who have been watching the election know that Miss Macdonald has been running an ex- cellent race. In order to bring her candidacy to a large group of Ulini, we are sending this letter to all or- ganized houses. Suitable arrange- ments have been negotiated with In- dependent leaders to assure us of their votes. So — let's put our shoulders to the wheel and push "True Blue" Mac- donald over. Crusadingly yours, Cdtiifiriiffn Guidance (Joi/i/iiit/rr Macdonald to Manhattan P. S. Truly it can be said : "To knou' her is to love her." The band was marching down Fifth avenue in New York, when a gentleman, who would vulgarly be called a hobo, walks up to Director Harding, and toviching him on the shoulder said, "Say pardner, how abovit loaning me two-bits to get something to eat." .As rumor has it, Harding replied in a rather haughty voice, "Hell, get in line! What do yuh think I'm marchin' for anvhow?" r//('SIKEN "N ,'.«»•• •P»* \tfTtjt »» ii « . . , V V.,' '»:; r, ;*,'. ; ; Jjlrnnr^lltn Diary of a Football Captain's Girl Wednesday: Went to Feldlcamps with 15ob — he's just wonderful. Showed nie his broken wrist. Thursday: Went to Prehn's with Bob — he's just marvelous. Showed me his broken shoulder. Friday: Went to Park with Hob — he's just too sweet. Broke bench when he sat down. Saturday: 'Went to game. Bob made two tumbles and ;ui incomplete pass. He's just precious. Broke his nose, poor boy. Sunda\ : Sent Bob flowers at hospital. He's so darling. Monday : Bob broke his leg. Tuesday: Bob broke his arm. Wednesday: Bob broke our date. Finis. Those Sticky Kisses r^elta (lam: "I love to kiss you." Theta Xi : "The feeling is mucilage." S Beta (class of ',i4): "Can 1 hold your coat for you?" Pify: (Haughtily) "I don't know. \ ou don't look very strong to me." First Sig Xu: "I see where your old flame has finally landed behind the bars. I thought you said she was a fast one." Second Topper: "That's just the trouble — fast to every- thing she got hold of." I laic vs. Yarvard The huge bowl was filled to overflowing with thousaiuLs of dollars and people, but there was no spoon handy so it i had to overflow. It was the annual game between Hale and Yarvard. Before the game, the Class of '89 presented a large sized cauliflower car to the president of Hale by gently ba.shing him over the head with a small plank. This added a decidcdh informal tone to the festivities. As (Jrantland Rice's All-Americans tripped onto the field, to go thru a snappy set of Swedish gym movements, a huge roar rose from the crowd, frightened the team of? the field, floated out over the town, and was finally shot down and used for fish bait. Next, Walter Fckersall s selections indulged in a num- ber of Hungarian folk dances and four Russian peasants dropped dead — in Mcscow. Following this a group of .Armeman refugees unobtrusively starved to death as an advertisement for the Near East Relief. Then came an exhibition of great strength and skill, the spectacle of the ages. Six men entered and engaged in a stiff round of charades. A mighty shout rent the air, but the rent was paid for, so no one felt bad. As the frightened team rushed on the field again it was so ghostly quiet that you could hear a pin drop. Then the terrible thing happened — some one dropped a pin ! The silence was broken and escorted from the field upon a caisson with a guard of honor. The captain of Hale was embarrassed (what, no Murads!) for it was time to begin, and no opponents were on hand, foot, or horseback. Suddenly from the distance came a cheer. Closer and closer it came until it landed in the field with a plop and out of it stept the Yarvard band which quickly formed X-|-Y=Z. Pencils were dis- tributed among the crowd and the answer worked out. The band then removed their uniforms and lo (Abou Ben Adhem led all the rest) it was the Yarvard football team. They got in position to receive the kick (Position A) and the game began. At the start of the second quarter the Hale back deftly passed the buck to the end who fumbled. The buck scampered about the field until it dashed out of the bowl and went screeching over the hills. The crowd cheered this act, the players took a bow ( where they took it remains a mystery) and the curtain fell on the first half, injuring his back severely. S Frosh: "It says here that a butcher found a collar button in a cow's stomach. " Senior: "That's a lot of ballyhoo — how could a cow get under a bedroom dresser?" S Little boy: "Father, when has a man horse .sense? " I'ather: "When he can say 'Nay,' son. " S That's my favorite dish," said the man as his wife threw a plate at him." Football Number ■ Great IFs of History If — Caesar hadn't crossed the Rubicon, what would we do for second year high school Latin? If — Paris hadn't stolen Helen, where would Homer get his theme song? If — Washington hadn't crossed the Delaware, we couldn't be forever arguing as to how he stood up in the boat. If — Antony loved Cleopatra, well, you answer that one. 1 hate to think of it. If — Lincoln hadn't freed the slaves, we'd have one hall less on the campus. If — Napoleon had stayed home with Josephine, he'd have never met his Waterloo. If — you didn't read the Siren, look what you'd have missed. S I Working Their Way Through "My son is a football player." "Well, my son isn't paying tuition either, he's on the Prom Committee." S "You know the old proverb, don't cross your bridges before you get there." "That's no good. How about when you dress for the Freshman Frolic?" S "Whatcha been doin'?" (^h, I've been down at the mouth all summer." "That's too bad. What were you blue about?" "Blue? I was fishing on the Mississippi delta." I "What a date 1 had last night; she sat on my hat. " "Why didn't you take it off?" _J S Ruminating Illinois, here I lo/nc Myriad rapturous details of getting ready for the train- ride . . . the morning departure in a whirl of effervescent humidity . . . alternate excitement. Chilly gusts of wind carrying a taste of rain . . . people hurrying along with coat collars turned up high and pocketed hands . . . the jerking train . . . black smoke coming in heavy puffs . . . the hazy skyline engulfed in the morning mist . . . last visage of the windy city. Train jottings The yellowish green of the train-seats . . . blankets of gray smoke overhead . . . faces wan under their rouge and powder . . . audible whispers . . . white glare of the car lamps . . . reeking heat . . . dirty windows. Registration The hustling, bustling, jostling, rubbing, ripping, and raring of the Frosh . . . the Syrian rushing down on the grazing fold has a twentieth century edition in the sweeping by of the upper-classmen . . . the march down the broad- walk to the Commerce Building almost. . . . (jiasses Worried by dangling hands . . . despising rolling gait . . . overwhelmed with sensitiveness at the awkward figure I am cutting . . . face burning as hotly as when it is exposed to the open furnace-door . . . speech full of jerks and halts . . . glitter in the eye of the instructor. First date Cloud feathers hiding the moon . . . over-reaching oaks casting blue-black shadows on the porch . . . breezes whisper- ing ancient melodies . . . web-footed aves . . . creak of the swing . . . sense and nonsense . . . chimes . . . click of the front door ... a sudden clinch. Impressions Curbstone lineup on Wright Street at all hours . . . chemistry building at night . . . campus lights fading out . . . senior bench . . . zig-zag walk to the Ag building . . . bleachers in the rain . . . tired girls selling funny ribbons ... the fat squirrel in front of the Chem Building. . . . may its children be chemists . . . frown of the Siren editor at getting this trash. 10 The SIREN How to Play Football liy liohcrt H. Biippkc ( Photos by the autlior, w lio in speakiiiij of his Mastniaii says, "My Kodaks al\va\s click. ") Editor's comment: After listening to Quinn Ryan and Graham Mc- \amee, for several years, and after reading Grant/and Rice's bush leaaue stuff on football, ive have co/iic to the conclusion that football ball for obvious reasons. As you know, the attempt died in infancy, for obvious reasons. Football players are hard guys and have to be treated that way. When a player is told to receive the kick and he dashes rifjht fig. 1 oft the field to his bootlegger, some- thing has to be done. Maybe dis- cipline. Maybe a good thrashing. Heing quite a psychological coach I believe in thrashing. Fig. 2 shows one of the later modeled thrashers for just such occasions. The man at the helm receiving the thrashing is Hull. This happened to him five times in one week — I remember that week — and the result was amazing. However, Hull was heard to remark, "the helm with that stuff." Discipline is especially necessary for players who have lost their ner\e. I recall one fateful day, the sun was up, my wife was up with the baby, and my Irish was up. I sent Robin- son, my fullback, out on the field. We played Ohio that day and Robie was smashed all over the lot like a should be portrayed the ivay she really is. This book, by one of the greatest football coaches, brings a z'iviii account of life in the rough. Sold at all bookstores, uncensored (the book, not the store). Coach liuppke is noted for his placid tem- perament though at times he flies off his handle like a dime hammer. Fig. I shous him in a ferocious attitude coiL-ing tu'o of his proteges. But let liobert tell you all about it — Chapter I Handling the Players Football as the name implies, is played with the foot. Some of the greater men like Rodman and Wil- •son have tried to change it to brain- Fig. Football Number i^M^: ■• ^ ■- rry baseball. He lost his nerve and wobbled over to the bench. "What- inell," says I, "Are you afraid? Haven't you any guts?" "No," says he, "I haven't, they're out on the fifty yard line." I didn't apply Fig. 2. I figured he had enough thrash- ing. So you see, dear reader, that at times it's best to let them thrash things out for themselves. After all this, you'll probably suggest that I knock the h — out of thrash, that is, the first "h." The revised edition will accommodate guys like yousc. J Fiij. 4 Chapter II The Game After following directions i n chapter 1, the team is ready to play ball. Line the players up as in Fig. 3. Think of a number between 10 and 4,931,876. The players thinking of the number play in the back field. In case no one thinks of the number, don't use a back field, it would prob- ably cause a lot of trouble anyhow. Fig. 3 shows the original line-up at the start of the great game against Northwestern. Reading from left to right we find Berry, Perrine, Yan- uskus, Useman, Root, Munch, and Owens. 1 used only seven that day with quite surprising results. The game is started by the flip of a coin, preferably a Scotch saxpenny. If yer Scatch bluid does nae permeet o' thet, tak it awa a wee distance and use a Canadian dime. If the game is played on a Mexican border, use a peso. Avoid playing on a border as much as possible, it makes it harder tor the landlady to collect rent. After the game is well under wa\' and you find that your opponents can plow through center too easily, shift to the other side of the field, thereby having no one in front of your team, and a touchdown is assured. Plow- ing down the field for a touchdown IS a topic for separate discussion in my other \olume, "The Cultivation of Football Plays and Fields." Fig. 4, by the way, shows Schumaker plowing down the field to the right. Note the strategy employed. Which reminds me that if more strategies were employed, more football players would be bond salesmen, fact is, they're bond to be salesmen. Oh, to hell with it. (Editor's note: Coach Buppke's famous reply to the usual question from fullbacks "What shall I do with the ball?") Now for the plays. Don't try Shakespeare, they have been over- worked. Use plays with a kick to it. That, by the way, is the origin of the expression "place kick." (Clever people, these Chinese). The end run is popular. If it is possible, make both ends meet. Besides being eco- nomical, the idea is tricky — two men (Continued on Page 23) Fitj. 5 (ri]/ht) On,- of Biifipki's finest sntip- iliots. Due to the iietion of the plnyers it turned out to he s/oji' motion. 12 The SIREN WNR O' TRIPE (with whatever apologies may be due Mr. O'Neill) "How lio you do, Dorothy. I've seen \()ii around campus and wondered who you were, (ihul 1 was able to fi.\ up an introduction." (What d' 1 mean . . . lucky enough . . . good face . . . pretty tall . . . what year 1 wonder . . . how does she rate . . . small teet, no not so small . . . suede shoes, no lizard . . . bloiul mm . . . wonder how dumb she is and who dates lier . . . clothes alright but jewelry doesn't match ) "Oh, how do \()u do jack! I've seen you a lot too — the pleasure is all mine, let me assure you. " (Yes it is! . . . Glad I remembered that line though . . . wonder whether he's a junior . . . what fraternity did they say he belonged to . . . guess I'll act extra nice, doesn't do to get any one down on you . . . tall enough, not bad look- ing . . . wonder if he'd take me to prom if I asked him to our house dance . . .) "No, it's mine, 1 insist — we might as well go have a coke if you haven't an\thing to do for a few minutes — " (Really oughtn't to waste the time now but I might as well give her a break . . . wonder how I'm rating . . . doesn't do any harm to stand in good with the girls. . . .) "Well, I won't argue but I can still have my own ideas, if you prefer it that way. And I suppose we could coke . . ." (That's better . . . that red head he's been dating won't like it so well when she finds it out . . . hope she sees us . . . wonder if he's a junior . . . rather intelligent looking, but can he dance. . . .) "You know Dorothy, you've got a face full of pretty things. . . ." (Pretty good line if I do say so myself . . . wonder if she necks . . . looks rather quiet but when you never can tell . . . woidd she take me to her house dance if I asked her to prom . . . supposed to rate but she sure is giving yours truly plenty of house. . . .) "Well, you're under no handicap in that line yourself. And Jack, I do think you are so original. All these stories I've heard about your cleverness must be true — " (Face full of plenty pretty things — sort of cute — think I'll mention something about house dances. . . .) "There certainly are going to be a lot of house dances the next few weeks, aren't there?" (That's an opening anyway. . . .) "There sure are plenty all right." (The game is on it seems . . . think I'll let her do the first asking . . . she might get too conceited if I didn't . . . and then maybe she wouldn't ask me anyway . . . don't see why she shouldn't though . . . Pat and Mary have . . .) "You know I didn't intend going to ours for, well, a number of rea.sons . . . but I think I'd like to, that I've met you. Could you come? It's two weeks from Saturday — and rescue a maiden in distress?" (That's appealing to his .sense of being a big strong man . . . he's really a little boy but then all men are . . . won't Jim be surprised, also a few other people ... if he doesn't ask me to prom, I'll get sick and break the date. . . .) "Why, I'd sure love to come, Dorothy. And while we are on the subject, why don't you hop to the prom with me?" (She wouldn't have asked me if she had had a date for prom . . . won't Mary get a surprise . . . she's been too cocky lately though . . . this one's better looking anyway . . . suppose she'll throw stall about prom, but she'll accept eventually . . . Gold Medal Flour). "That's fine. Jack. I'm so glad. About prom — I really can't say yet — may have to break another date — tell you what. Call me tomorrow night, can you?" (I knew he would . . . guess Ted isn't going to ask me anyway . . . won't he be stunned to see me there with Jack. . . .) "Well, have to be getting back to class now. Jack. You'll be calling me tomorrow then?" S ONE CONSOLATION After all, when a school hasn't a good football team, it it can always claim a high scholastic standing. S Petting may not be on the decline, but it is getting to be more and more on the incline. S She: "Oh, so Jack's out for the football team. Will he get carried?" He (unsympathetically) : "Probably — to the hospital." ^ — S "I think I'll get Indian underwear this winter." "What kind is that?" "Woolen, the kind that creeps up on you." Football Number \i HOMER To date or not to date; that is the question, Whether 'tis nobler as a pledge to endure The loneliness of datelesss days Or take steps against this sea of solitude And by sneaking end it ; to meet or not to meet, No more ; but by a date to say we end The boredom and the thousand natural gripes That pledge is heir to. 'Tis a situation Deeply to be thought on. To study, to date — To date — perchance to flunk. Ay, there's the rub! For from that date of daring what may come To each fair co-ed in this house Must give her pause. There's the "E" That spells calamity to her high hopes. But who would hear the sighs in seminar, the teacher's drone, The instructor's chant, the professor's thunder In lieu of quips and jests of merry men. The trenchant line of amorous sweet nothings? Forsooth, woidd that one rate an A ! And to our actives, A's doth make heroes of us all. With this regard the pledges turn away To ponder — what are A's — bought at cost of dateless days? A MILD STORY Copyrighted 1812 ( Translated from the Sanskrit with the aid of a seunny-machine) It was a wild and stormy night on the west coast of Scot- land. However, that has little to do with the story as our plot is laid in a tough western town. A rabbit walked down the main drag and spit in a bull-dog's face — nice town. A sign placed near the far end of town stated that the war-path was under repair. A dark brown cloud ap- peared rolling down the main street, which was the onl) street the town could boast of — if the town ever boasted. It was a great day for the town — but now we return to the brown cloud — or was it red? The brown, or red, cloud appeared in front the village saloon, and as a result four men swore off liquor. It later turned out to be a prohibi- tionist stunt. S Judging by the general consensus of opinion, the pre- requisite for vigorous acting, is vigorous drinking, rather than vigorous thinking. Of course our football team is different. S Mr. Cohen stepped into the room where all of those who intended to try out for the choir were seated. He looked at a group of girls seated over in the corner, smoking. "Won't that affect their throats?" he asked. Mr. Cohen, don't you know that in a college town, the neck is more important than the throat? Cigarette Crazy Smoke Luckies — no, smoke Camels, because you would rather walk a mile for a Camel than a Lucky. But think of the throat irritation. Yes, just think of it. There is nothing more annoying than throat irritation. But why cough with throat irritation? . . .throat irritation cough . . . Smoke Old Golds the treasure of them all. Not a cough in a carload ! Yes, not a carload in a cough ! But they don't satisfy! . . . No, they don't satisfy me. I must have one that stands out. Yes, smoke Chesterfields . . . they stand out — but think of throat irritation — standing out in throat irritation — throat irritation standing out in the throat. . . . Not a cough. I \vould rather walk a mile be- cause they satisfy my figure. Reduce by walking a mile for a Camel and smoke Luckies. But I want to graduate . . . who wants to be a school-boy? Who wants to gradu- ate? I don't want to graduate! Graduate what? Graduate to Camels. Get a diploma . . . smoke Camels. Who wants a diploma? Why diploma? Because they give a milder and better taste. . . . Yes, that's the reason why. They satisfy. They have taste. They satisfy the taste. Yes, smoke them. Let them smoke you out with milder and better taste. Smoke — smoke — smoke what . . . ? ? S Says one A. K. L. to another: "I guess we'll have to get those glass rug protectors out from under the piano again. Another honorary is holding a smoker in the house tonight." S Headline in "The Daily (jrind" — Professor Stiven to lectiue on "(Organ Development." 14 The SIRKN Much Ado About Nothing ilH\i<\ A\ ^:K^ (irai-ic tliiiiks rli.it It is just too funny tliat firenu-n wi-ai iTii siis- pi-ndcrs to k«-p their pants up. Liar, licr, your nose is as long as a tele- phone wire. Which goes to show the handicap you are under if your parents went in for fetchiiiu; sou up properly. l\vo bits that if I tell Ciracie the one about the young man from Aus- tralia, she'll laugh. Its so darn re- spectable that she'll think its subtle or something ... I knew it. just like a charm, just like a charm. This is really getting to be fun. Only she doesn't know ..what she's letting her- self in for. My ne.\t number is al- wa\s singing a song. Sonnv Hov. Mv (!aw(l, if she can stand that she is a wotider. Gracie is readijig a book. Another one of these intellectual giants. All wit and repartee. And if you think listerine can cure that Nou're crazy. (iracie bares all. 1 do wish she'd stop or else pick maturer men. And grandma brought riic up rigiu tod, young lady. No fiddling around about bees and butterflies and tin- little hyacinths. If Gracie ever had a dress without a back before, I'm Paul Ke\ere. She's just too darn non- chalant. Or maybe .somebody told her about adhesive tape. Just think of all the humorists starving today because there just can't he an\' moic Backficld in motion jokes about having to hook up the back of milady's dress. Gracie comes through with a swift one — her papa (and I bet he'd dis- own her if he caught her putting the accent on the last syllable like that) said to her that time that she cam( home, and you can call it Parlor Dat( or Home Work if either one of then suit. Here I am, all dressed up in some thing classy for the college trade t( sell for about twenty-three-fifty i: you can get it, and who gets to gazi on all of this but Gracie. It just goes to show what human effort can com< to. Shepherds watching their flocks by night, sheep dippers holding theii noses. Bertha the beautiful sewing machine girl singing as she sews ( How long has this been going on?), Isadore coming down to the store at eight because times are hard you know, and all .so Gracie can look at ir. I woniler if the collar fits. Another crack like that one and I'll complain to the management. I like this place. More food for thought. A good thing I ate fish toda>. The old brain is getting a work out. There I go, bragging again. And while we are on the subject of futility, I wonder, yes I wonder, why dear old Helter Skelter Whoopsilon spent that four hundred bucks for a chandeleir. Just as good as Wfw mister, only used once, and there aiiit even a spot on the lining \et. And lots of nice sofas. I hope we draw the one in front of the fire — more futility. Pretty soon I'll be a philosopher or something. I'm going to buy a lantern tomorrow. Sine enough. I knew Gracie was smart. I like fires. I almost got pneu — a cold one night last winter when I went to one in my pajamas. It was swell, the whole roof burned off. I bet this place would make a swell fire too, especially after they got a paddling for trying to stick a .senior in the bathtub that they hadn't ought to call them sororities, but sore — and how do you know, Gracie but what I cannot appreciate that sort of humor. Rut what I am as |iure as the driven snow — as God taking a bath, or an A. K. L. ? How do you know? As if you didn't have an Illio, three-fifty now, si.x after the (C.rintiiiiitil (in Ptu/e 19) Football Nnnihcr H^HOn 6 ?B*Jf(, ' ^ — ^" ^ Open lioiis<- at tile New \\ iiiiiairs (iym. AND THEN THE GREAT DAY ARRIVED Tlu- fireat football bowl was filled to the rim with people, for the greatest game of the year was in play. Pennants waved from all sides of the stadium, while poor little Willie Ciizerksks was sitting on the bench. There he had been sitting for almost four years. This was his last game before graduation, and he must show his metal by doing something for dear (^Id Hooserbernizola. The score was 2 to in favor of Fuger- borgen I'. The game dragged on, until there were five minutes left to play. Willie bit his fingernails! (The brute.) He was ner\ous, very nerv- ous! Suddenly the halfback of D. O. H. (Dear old Hooserbernizola) began, to gallop down the field Twenty yards to a touchdown ; fifteen yards to a touchdown ; ten \ards to a touch. . . . Hang! he was tackled. The halfback for D. O. H. r. official fraternity jewelers p. o. bldg. 704 south sixth THAT 8:30 CLASS Freshman — in class, note hoots in hand. />( nti/s poised. Sophomore — running to class. Junior — eating breakfast. Senior — just turning tdarni clock off. N. Y. U. Medley. "My wife never scolds me for dropping ashes on the rug, she never objects to me staying out late, or drinking or gambling." "Why man. you ha\e a model wife. I should like to meet her." "You can't. She's dead." — Ohio State Sun Dial. "Say, are you drunk?" "If I'm not I've been cheated." — irashington University Dirge. S Newly-wed (honeymooning in the West) wired to his boss: "Please give extension ot vacation; it is wonderful out here." Boss replied: "Come back at once, it is wonderful any place." SUBSTITUTION Student (at hook store): "Gimme a map of Neiv York State." (jlerk: "All ivc have are maps of Neiv Jersey." Student: "O. A. That's close enough." — Syracuse Orange Peel. s "Who shall I say is asking for him?" inquired the opera- tor of the man in the booth. "Mr. O'Cohen." "Mr. Who?" "Mr. O'Cohen." "Just a minute — the wires are crossed." — IVashington University Dirge. s Now we understand why blind men are so popular with girls as dates — they just feel their way around. — Alabama Rammer Jammer. Many a boy would make an excellent dancer if he would only learn to stand on his own feet. — Crinnell Malteaser. S Boy: "Why is an apple red?" Friend: "Because it's blushing for Eve." Football Number 21 FOOTBALL DEFINITIONS Coach: Highest paid member on University faculty. Player: Small brained, large headed individual. Tackle: Fond embrace, permitted only on football fields. Forbidden elsewhere. Touchdown: Ball carrier dropping down from sheer exhaustion. Rooters: Evidence that 70,000 people are out of work. Cheer leader: Youngster afflicted with strange disease. Referee: Blind inmate with Saturday oiif. Star: One who goes out nights. Band : Embryonic doormen for Ohio theatre. Linesman: Junior prom chairman of bye gone years, still racketeering. Training table: Free meals for player until salary check starts comin' in. Teams: Bevy of individuals pulling against each other. Senior manager: One who has first installment paid on Isotta Fraschini. — Ohio State Sun Dial. S Guide: This, ladies and gentlemen, is the greatest cataract in the country, and if the ladies will only be silent for a moment you will hear the thunder of the waters. J 00 Doo. Astronomy Prof.: Name a star ii'tth a tail. Stiide: Rin-Tin-Tiu. — IJ. of Te.vas Loni/honi. Ed: "The girls say you're very sympathetic. Co-ed: "What do you mean?" Ed: "Fellow — Feeling!" S Stii/iifi Orator: "The girl of today is no different from the ivoman of tiventy years ago." Frum Rear: "Y'r ri' , Guv, you shoulda seen the relic I dreiv las' night." — Vanderbilt Masquerader. "Boy, call me a taxi." "All right, your a taxi." — Wnshitigton University Dirge. It: "His last words were 'will you marry me'?" Another It: "What happened?" The First It: "She married him." — fVashington University Dirge. Make room for the one about the Scotch murderer who, when entering the death chamber, complained to the warden that he was being overcharged. — Pen?t State Froth. Illinois' only Co-operative Bookstores GIFTS That Please Line-a-Day Diaries Stationery Book Ends with Seal Leather Writing Sets Letter Openers lUinois Pillow Tops Bridge Sets Fountain Pens and Pencils Desk Sets and ttuiny other appropriate things for yoit to give TUP nt> A t i^i\ /\¥% I ri lTHE S-TU^ENTS' SUPPIA' STOBEsl ■ 1^ Ii(l7 Kast Daniel i'hamapign Hn Soutli IMatluwy I'rbana The SIREN ''Collegiate" A #r Natural Alaska Sealskin for the ^^Out-Door Man'^ VALUED AT $250.00 A pair of driviiii; sloves free witli every coat piiichaed from us PRICE TO STl DKNTS (3 Yr. Guarantee) $T Cfl.oo SlIVIVYSIDE 74ZI ISO c pAVS fUP ;^CPP^ 4450 NO.ASMLANDAVE CHICAGO In Ravenswood Apartment Hotel MOTHER GOOSE Sing a song of six pants, Pockets full of rye, N'ineteeii-thirty-birds, Tote it or go dry. VVlu'ii the flasks are opened, The birds begin to sing, "Sweet Ad-o-line, Sweet Ad-o-line" Oh. Death, where is thy sting? — Alabama Ramiiur Jiiniimi . S Soph: "I don't like Hetty Co-ed; she's so biased." Frosh. "What do you mean, bia.sed?" Soph: "She's always saying: 'Buy us this," and 'Ri IS that." " —.V. ■>■. I \ Mtdlix. S -l/y ijirl is an ash-hlond. IffJlV ttjllli' .Ills/ the rciiKiins of a hot fin'. — Crinncll Malleascr. SEZ SHE A pale, proud girl turned to the big, heavy-browned man, who was gazing at her intently. He held a glittering kiiite in his hand. "Have you no heart?" she asked in low, even tones. "No," he growled. "Then give me ten cents worth of liver. " — Alabama Rammir .1 aiiiiiicr. S Musically Inclined Q. : Have you heard Wagner's score? A.: No, who were they playing? — r^ of (Jii tram. S For some time little boys have been looking forward to the day when they will be college boys — sing the "Stein Song" — and above all pledge Sigma Alpha Epsilon. Ah, but now little girls can sit back and dream about the time when they will pledge Theta and be nice, big Fi.sher Hodv girls. — Kiinsas Sour Oivl. WAISTCOATS OF REAL QUALITY Before you buy a dress or dinner waistcoat, make it a point to look for the green label of Catoir Vesting on the strap. If it is not there, you may be certain that you are not getting the best in either fabric or workmanship. CatoiR IPronoiinced "KAT^WAH'I VESTINGS FACINGS LININGS Doting Relative: Come give Aunty a dreat bid kiss! Modern Child: Perhaps I shouldn't speak about it but iny answer is "No!" — unless you take a Life Sa\ er first. 24 The SIREN Have Your Shoes Rebuilt at the UNIVERSITY SHOE REBUILDERS Clean Modern Popular colors in dyes Full line of laces, polishes, new heels and other findings 702 S. Goodwin Ave. In the Prehn Bldg. For Your Thanksgiving Dinner Ser\e individual molds We specialize in individual turkey, pumpkin and fruit servings Champaign Ice Cream Co. Ser\ e indi\ idual molds 4175 4176 SALESMANSHIP "15ut don't \i)u think this niacliiiu- has beautiful tonal qualities?" said the V'ictrola salesman. "No." "Isn't it reallv the best machine for the money?" "No." "But surely you'll aj^ree the cabinet is remarkable. . . ." "No." "Say, what's your name, anyway?" "Brunswick." — [/. of Kansas Sour Old. 1 know a guy who has water on the knee, water on the brain, is a swimming champion and had an uncle who was drowned last week. It can truly be said, "He is a gentleman of the first water." v. S. He has a water Spaniel, too. — Alabama Polytechnic Institute (,'ajoler. S • First Co-ed: "I think hit/ formal dances are just a bore. I abhor them, don't you?" Second (Jo-ed: "Quite so. I didn't get a prom bid either." —N. Y. U. Medley. Daughter (screaming) : "Mother, Jim's telling me a joke about a traveling salesman." Mother: "Heavens. I'll call your father." Daughter: "Never mind. I'll tell it to him." — f'anderbilt Masquerader. CONFUSION Elevator boy: You say you want to go up to Downes? Now Downes is up on third and also down in basement. Upps are on the fourth floor with offices in the second basement. Now do you want to go down to Upps or Downes? Or would you prefer that I first take you up to Downes, then down to see Upps and up to see Upps or down to see Upps and Downes, and then up to Upps or Downes, or both Upps and Downes. — Ohio Sun Dial. Prison Parson (to prisoner in electric chair): Have you any last request? Convict: Yeh. I jcish you'd put in a call to mc pal ichat squealed on me an reverse the charges. — Stanford (Jhapparral. Young Nurse: That freshman in bed sei^en is aivfully handsome! Superior: 5 es, but don't iiash his face, he's had that done six times today. — -Cornell Widoiv. football Number 25 Purer Than Ivory //(' urn 'Jiily 'J9.^7 per rent /'lire //realise he hiiil onee uhistled (I niiiu/hty sony. — West Point I'niiitir. Old boy: "Son, isn't it about time you thought of taking a wife?" Little stuff: "O. K. — whose wife shall I take?" S Frosh (to senior co-ed) : Give me a date sometime, wil 1? Co-ed: I'd like to. but I can't go out with a baby. Frosh: Oh, beg pardon. I didn't know about it. — Orange Peel. The garbage department has an offal team this year. — Exchange. Sweet Y'oung Thing: (At football game) "1 don't like that huddle system. It makes them look like a herd of sheep." Unkind escort: "Yea, waiting for the slaughter." cy/r/Ae// Planters Salted Pea- nuts hit your appetite just right. Big, whole peanuts, properly salted. Crisp, fresh and ■whole- some. Look for Mr. Pea- nut on the glassine bags. Five cents everywrhere. "The Nickel Lunch" Planters Nut & Chocolate Company U.S.A. and Canada Planters ^t^i-rtrr^ PeAN UTS^= If all the dirty jokes told by football men while in the huddle were reserved for use on sorority porches — well, tliere would be a huddle. He: "You know, darling, you're like an angel." She: "Why, honey?" He: "You are always harping on things, always flitting about, and always complaining about not having anything to wear." "Who were those 'old-timers' I saw you with last night?" "Hell! Those weren't two 'old-timers,' those were old 'two-timers!" Football mother. Son, you're looking fine, but what is that behind your left ear? Football man: My right one, mother. — Penn Piuieh Bnul. father: My son is reckless, careless, and indifferent of consequences. Friend: Fine. Make a taxi driver of him. — IL of Te.\as Loiii/liorii. 1 Still Get aThrill" And you'll get one too . . . when you swing to this ring- ing, singing "Come and kiss me" waltz ^ . . on a Victor Rec- ord played for you by Ted" Weenis and his well-known dance orchestra . . . The world's *'big shots" in music . . . record exclusively for Victor. Here's a hand-picked, 5-starred list. . .both hot and sweet . . . unleash the old dogs on these! Vi«*<«r lt«><-orvn» % *< .^_& *-^ ♦■ ^-^ \Sh:'^ ^ ^ 28 The SIREN Christmas is Coming. . . Order personal greetinjj cards now. These arc cards of your selection with your name en- i;raved thereon. If you have a name plate brinf* it in, or we will have one made for you in any style of lettering*. We can also supply relief printed cards. These require no plates. Prices are slightlj higher than for ordinary stock cards. CHQISTA\AS GREETIAIG Cards Orders can be filled ini three to fife days notice Doseiis of snf>les to choose front THE CO-OP (Jn the Square On the Square Pardon . Can We "Cut-in '? Just the art of shaking a fast and loose foot doesn't make you the Duke of the Dance in the eyes of the Dutchess. "^ Our scenery has got to be every bit as good as your stepping — if you expect to shine. And what could be better than placing your justified confidence in one of the new fall models of the Famous - with - Fashionable- Fellows. CmsonMooney eiQ E.Grccn St. Dear Mr. Editor: II ill you please rend the enclosed poem carefully and return it to me nitli your candid criti- cism as soon as possible, as I have other irons in the fire. My Dear Sir: Remove the irons and insert the poem. — Longhorn. s "He was trampled to death b\' sheep. "Sort of dyed in the wool, eh?" — / S lion Tie/cr. riirce men icere stranded on a desert island. It 7Cas three weeks before the rescue party arrived. Tuo of the men ivere dead — the third iLcis as strong and healthy as the day he and his companions iverc stranded. The leader of the rescue party looked at the tiio strong men lyini/ dead on the sands from starvation. Then he looked at the puny survivor. "Tell me." he said. "Hole in the uorld did you manage to survive iiithout food lehen these tivo poucrful nun could not?" The man smiled. "I ate at a Fraternity house for four years," he admitted. — Bueknell U. Belle Hop. Bum: "Say mister can you slip me a dime for a cup of )ffee? — I haven't worked for a year." Top hat: "Well, for that matter, I haven't either." — U. of Chicago Phoenix. Football Number 29 Your good deed for today --— LISTEIV IIV -— Crantlaiid Rice -^~ Famous Sports Champions -^Coca-Cola Orcheslra -^Wednesday 10:30 to 11 p. m. E. S. T. -^ Coast to Coast NBC Network --—.-- Pause that refreshes No matter how busy you are — how hard you work or play — don't forget you owe your- self that refreshing pause with Coca-Cola. You can always find a minute, here and there, and you don't have to look far or wait long for Coca-Cola. A pure drink of natural flavors — always ready for you — ice-cold — around the corner from any- where. Along with millions of people every day you'll find in Coca-Cola's wholesome refreshment a delightful way to well-being. The Coca-Cola Company, Atlanta, Ga. 9 MILLION A D AY ^ IT HAD TO BE GOOD TO (JET WHERE IT IS 30 The SIREN CHRISTMAS CARDS Buy them early — get first pick. Engraved or Printed. You'll be surprised when you see our dis- play of cards for 5c to 5()c and box assortments 50c and $1.00. STATIONERY — GIFTS Fancy Wrappings and Tyings Watts' Specialty Shop 1204 1-2 W. Cal. Ave. One-half Block East of Chem. Bldg. He lauf:;he(l when I sat down at the piano — So I iips and smashed him in the puss. — Cornell Widoii'. SOFT PROFESSIONS Taming wild flowers in a greenhouse. Night watchman on the sorority quad. Hiacksniith in Detroit. Cook at the Phi Kap house. Dietician in Armenia. Mind reader at a traveling salesmen's convention. Weather forecaster on the Sahara. lulitor of the Daily. — Northwestini l^i/r/>lr I'linot. St. Petei- (to Commerce student and Liberal .'\rts stu- dent applying at Gates of Heaven) : "I find I can let both of you gentlemen enter, and as a reward for your earthly good deeds 1 shall grant each of you a wish. You, sir, what do you wish for?" Liberal Arts Student: "I'd like to have a million dollars." St. Peter: "Granted — here it is, and you, sir, what do you wish for?" Commerce Student: "Fifteen dollars' worth of fake jewelry, and a half hour alone with that guy." — Northicesiern Pitrplr Parrot. VIRGINIA sl;^l).v^, .M(tM).vv, ti i;si) vv, novkmbkk 3S,24,3."> What a Story — What a Siren Gloria Swanson "WHAT A WIDOW" Keekless loves . . . susiir diiddies . . . roineos . . . it's tilt' greatest, fastest, spiciest eonied.v "f her rareer! WKD., THfRS., nil., S.4T., November 26, 27, 28, 29 The lalkins sereens latest sensational "find" Richard Cromwell "TOL'ABLE DAVID" with JOAN PEERS— NOAH BEERY ORPHEUM SATlIJI)\^ \M» SIND.W, N(>\ K.AIISKIJ il. TA If love is a flame here is a conflagration "STRICTLY MODERN" Dorothy Mckaill MONH.W, TLESU.W, WKUNESU.W, NOV. 24, 25, 26 The picture that was iiiven four stars by all tritirs "THE SILENT ENEMY" The thrilliim Iriilh! Wild beasts, wihl people, fiulilim; for love, life— I felt for my watch — it was gone ! I felt for my pants — they were gone! I felt for my shoes — they were gone ! My God ! Where was I ? Hell! I was in bed. —Minn. Ski-U-Mah. How to find an intelligent girl. Tickle her under the chin. If she laughs, she's intelligent, if she don't, duck. — Pi/t Panther. THE RETORT COURTEOUS "Any ice today, lady?" "No thanks, I have two of mv own." — Punch Boivl. Coach: "Ilcy. useless, where in dash did ynu learn to play foolhdli'" Scruh: "Fro/n reading your book, sir." — Southern California ff'anif>us. S PROBABLY NOT We wonder if those fellows who take the pictures for these Art magazines get a salary too. — Y. AI. J. Sniper. Football Number An Anomalous Equation In Kuhn's Pep Steps Two Feet in Pep Steps= Yards of Couijort= Miles of Satisfaction The utmost in shoe value at $7.50 "Ahead at the Foot" THE STORE FOR ILLINOIS MEN Jos. Kuhn & Co. Downtown — Champaign SAFE A mother stood wringing her hair in the hallway. Under her breath she repeated again and again with vehemence, "That perfectly filthy, beastly wretch." From the living- room, wherein was the cause of the mother's alarm, came a resonant mascuine voice. "Cute little ears, funny little ears. Like to have me pull them? There now, just lie still, I'm not hurting you, you like that. There I'm going to blow in this one." After infinite seconds of nerve-racking strain the mother burst into the room. At the sight before her she became hysterical. There he sat on the davenport looking into the soulful eyes of the family cat. A mother's little girl was safe after all. — Arizona Kitty-Knt. STRAUCH'S AT THE CAMPUS House of Attracitve Gifts and Greetings Your Christmas problems made easier by a visit to STRAUCH'S Jewelry, Leather, Stationery, Metal, Pottery, Illinois Seal Novelties, Pen-Pencil and Desk Sets. 709 SOUTH WRIGHT STREET AND HOW! "Is good-night two words?" "Honey it's two hours if you've got the right man." — U. of Kentucky Moonshier. S Then there's the freshman who said : "Steam is water gone crazy as hell with the heat." — Georgia Tech Yclloiv Jacket. S U ifc (to ahseut-iiiided professor) : "Your hat is on the ivronij ivay. dear." Prof.: "IIoiu do yon knoiv ivhich ivay I'm t/oingf" — f{ isconsin Octopus. WHITE LINE LAUNDRY HOME OF KAPTAIN KLEAN 32 The SIREN 4 y MR. HAROLD JAEGER, a Wisconsin man our correspondents on college styles College Humor Magazine introduces these two young people, recently appointed to the editorial staff. Each month they will inform you of the modern trend of fashion. You will meet them each month in the pages of this magazine, and since they will be visiting colleges constantly, perhaps before long you may meet them in person on your own campus. Alert, keen, so recently out of school themselves that they can easily keep their fingers on the pulse of those influences which affect college styles and cus- toms, you may follow their predictions and know that you are unerringly correct in your dress. They are .--eady to help you with any problems your wardrobe may present, with advice and information. This is a service College hlumor is happy to offer to college men and women. College Humor MAGAZINE POME Si-i' tlu- iiapp\ nioroii, He doesn't give a damn. I wish I were a moron. -My (lod, perhaps I am. — Ilarvtir/l Ldiiifioan. SCIENTIFIC FARMING Mary had a little cow And, ho, how it did stutter, In place of every quart of milk, It gave a pound of butter. — Alaharna Raininer Jdinincr. Mary had a football man Who had a trick toe. Everywhere that Mary went Her man was sure to go. He followed her to class one day. Though not against the rule, It surely made them laugh to see A football man in school. — Orange Peel. PICTURES ARE INDISPENSIBLE SUCCESSFUL PUBLICATION Etchinp^ Phot^o-'Enoi'ecv>in os Colo np.lati? j~» GRGRliBBeCO 111, ENGRAVERS -^ "",, CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS. l I HOLLY DAYS are HAPPY DAYS Suits and Overcoats smartly fashioned -»*' r->l Shirts shirts of finest and piques, a 1 value here at Shown in a numbt of popular styles i either lilack or whit. $6.50 and up Mufflers ariety of pattern , n d colors; v e r ; pecial at $2.00 and up d With Proms, Christ- mas Formals, and New Year's in the offinsj, together with its attendant celebra- tions, man naturally wants to look his best. And that's possible in one of FLYNN'S custom - tailored Tuxedos. The fabrics were carefully chosen and cut to the newest styles of the 19.11 season. As a special inducement to scores of men we offer one large group at a moderate price of *35 FLYNN'S ON THE CAMPUS ^%jVTPs:is ■^NC THE S140?SB£ Thr rhoiresi Turkish nnrf D..mF. Eire you a milit and null,,,,- urn /rnuranl. Iull.h,„lie,l. 1 .ar in a„ his fihi- loyophy.) When I consider how my life is spent — Por all my days in Boosting far and wide, And all my talents (which I do not hide), Hy me made Useful till my back be bent. To Serve therewith dear Service and present My true account, lest She returning chide That all good men have not yet been allied To Her sweet worship — then I am content; For Service soon replies: "I have no need "Of those who neither Work or Boost. Who best "And loudest Boosts, Serves Service best. This state "Is Mine, and thousands at My bidding Speed "O'er land and sea. I have no Use for rest. "They do not Ser\c who only stand and wait." — California Pelican. Me: "Why have I never seen any stories about bob- tailed cats?" Ow: "Because there are no tales." — Boston U. Bean Pot. Woman (to druggist) : "Have you got a big shaving mug?" Druggist : "What do you care, you don't have to shave it." — Vanderhilt Masquerader. s A college man is a guy who knows what she wants when she wants it. — California Pelican. Pros. Att. : "Did you leave your room bent on murder?" Hambone: "Nossuh, I lef dere staggerin' on cahn." — Vanderhilt Masquerader. A beautiful sunset was slowly sinking in the golden West when a boy and a girl went on a picnic in the park. Before they spread their lunch on the ground the boy started to feel the ground to see if it was wet. "Hm, some dew!" he said. "Yeah, and some don't," was the reply. — Pennsylvania Punch Bmil. S A gent passed gently into a restaurant, slipped into a seat and noticed, upon the menu, "Fresh tongue, while it lasts." The gentleman addressed the waiter: "I hope your tongue isn't out." Waituh: "Why. I thud thay not." — -Vanderbilt Masquerader. Holiday Number • . • and so they put this abandoned playground to work Several years ago a group of Western Electric men set out to find the best location for a vast new telephone manufacturing plant. Reels of cable roll f^^ To assure availability of labor the site must be near a large city, where roller coast- ers once roared . . . yet land prices must not be prohibitive. Transportation facilities were of utmost importance. Local civic policies must be favorable to the growth of industry. CL. Months of fascinating investigation revealed an ideal site — a once famous playground near Baltimore, which no longer paid its way. CL Here was an interest- ing problem, and an indication of the diversity of work that all comes under the heading of "Backing up the Bell System." Handy shipping fadU " or J ities — a prime reason for choosing Baltimore Western Electric Manufacturers Purchasers . V>istrihutors SINCE 1882 FOR fS 1 THE BELL SYSTEM The SIREN I'Ari. O. RITCHER Edilor-in-Chief II. K. McDERMOTT Business Manager Lars Halvorsen Make-Up Editor Marion Irrmann Exc/ian//e Editor Alice Ireland Literary Editor Lou Riiskin ^rl Editor llardld Bowen Assistant Jrt Editor Charles Jacobson, Sidney Turner, H. E. Nelson, Dorothy Pelzer, Tom Powers, Eleanor Dollins, Henry Avery, O. Becker, Martha Righter, Douglas Frost, tieneva Hitt, Clifford McCartin, Ed Malley, Marion Peterson, Hal Jewell, David Jones, Helen Clayton, Helen Howarth. BusixEss Staff M. E. Ciosnell Idvirtising Mgr. John McCormick Asst. Cir. Mgr. Ray Ball Ass't Adi: Mgr. Virginia Edes Asst. Cir. Mgr. Francis MacTaggert Copy Mgr. William Zoeller Collection Mgr. Joe Gallentine Circulation Mgr. Betty Lou Hughes Office Mgr. Virginia Morton, Evelyn Nelson, Mary Henley, Charlotte Schminke, Janet Fuller. Published monthly by the Illiiii Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Oflice at Urbana. Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Address all com- munications, Illinois Union Building. Champaign, Illinois. Copyright, 19.10, by The Siren. Exclusive reprint rights granted to 0)||ge){UniOr magazine. Co n t e n t s COVER Hettie Toebelnian Madame X says 7 Close Shave, by Al Niess S I interview Santa Claus - 10 (lee. Bridge Is Funny, hy Joyre Neic/ii/i..- 15 A study in Waists and Measures -.16 Coming Distractions, by .-l/ier Ircltind 18 Holiday Number INKLINGS from Ye Editor's Pen Christmas Is Coming — Hooray!! Just a few more hours and vacation will be here again! No eight o'clocks, no quizzes, no seminar! — And for heaven's sake throw away the books, term papers, and outside problems for a while. You won't need them anyhow, at least until next year. And lest we forget. Here's hoping that this carton of humor, labeled the Holiday number of the SIREN, will give you some of that old holiday spirit. Taken in small doses, it's a sure cure for the blues or what have you? Right here it might not be out of place to mention some of those adamant souls who have labored through the long nights to make this SIREN possible. Joyce Newbill, Catherine Haynie, and Al Niess have written some choice bits ot real humor. Marion Irrmann is irresponsible for the representative exchanges. At this time we are prepared to announce to the gasping public that the next issLie will be a "Takeoff" number. What it will take off on will be announced after vacation. The countless readers of this magazine will ha\e to wait in suspense until then. S The Folly of Vacations Hv Lars Halvorsen ix ax off Moment Vacations are not in the slightest degree beneficial to students, both in regard to health and to education — that is scholasticalh', of course. Be honest with yourself, apply sound reasoning, and you will surely agree with us on our various points. Nearly everyone saves his term papers and big problems for leisure time during the holidays. In the week or so preceding the eventful day when you hop on the train bound for the city of your home, absolutely no work is done. You just go around dreamy eyed and think of the beautiful time you have in store. Then at eleven o'clock in the morn- ing — vacation always begins in the middle of the day so that the facidty can get the fullest enjoyment out of the tortured students — the wildest scramble and confusion begins. Everybody wants to get into one bus or is complaining to high heaven that all of the taxis have been swallowed up. After the inevitable last minute dash, you are in the coaches and find seats, sa\ed by dutiful freshmen, and the ride begins. Most of the students are in their prime on the journey with its bridge games, clinches on the platform, dirt talk, bricks in suitcases, wise cracking, etc. . Some get supreme enjoyment in walking up and down the whole length of the train — twenty cars at times — seeing how many they can say "hello" to. Then to be sure there is the meeting of "keen" hoys and girls and making dates. The only sensible people are probably a bunch of Thetas who have taken po.ssession of the Miioking room and refuse to mingle with the plebians. A week or so afterwards, we ha\e the same crowd going back, doing the same identical things, only their conversation is slightly different. We hear about all of the drunken brawls, police raids, accidents, cute boys, rundown conditions, forgotten term papers, and clothes which the poor parents have been induced to b\iy. In short, nothing has been gained. The doting folks perhaps catch a glimpse of their children on the run and are greatly cheered up, but much energy and money are spent and learning has been lost. Very little time is spent in the home circle, students become exposed to new dangers, and, not least important, state paid profs stand idle. We earnestly solicit the I niversity of Illinois' assistance in curbing this great evil — V^ACATIONS. The SIREN CROSSED WIRES " — anil ilo \oii know what Jack is going to gi\i' nii- for Christmas? A handkerchief, the ilanincd — " " — lizard ! My dear, lizard shoes went out last season. However, Rill is going to give me a — " " — goose by all means. Turkey is out and chicken is so common. I'm going to serve a — " " — mattress for the baby and a bridge lamp for me, 1 tolil Jim, would be enough this Christmas. He's always been so liberal with his — ' — "junk all over the basement! 1 have to wash my clothes down there and even sew — " " — my wild oats, he said to me, but you never can be- lieve your husband especially when he's an iceman, so I said, go haul — " " — your can someplace else, so I can get some work done, I told him. Harry dug worms all morning and put them in a can for his fishing trip and when he put it on my table, I could — " " — split up with my husband, is the last thing I'd do. Really, my dear, husbands do come in handy sometimes and if it's only for — " " — a little while each night. My eyes hurt so when I read at night that I almost quit altogether. I read a mys- tery story last night, and, as I was alone, I felt the fun- niest^ — " " — twitching gall stones, you know, are simply terrible in June, especially on hot days. Last year I had an awful attack — " " — from the rear, her dress looks simply stunning, but when she turns around and shows her — " " — twisted chassis, I think was all that resulted from our accident. Al was slightly bruised and I suffered nothing more than a shock at — " " — seeing him in his underwear at all hours of the night, is scandalous, and her husband has been dead only two weeks. I hear that her alimony is hardly enough to keep her in — " " — brassieres, I noticed, are falling off this year since silhouette dresses are the vogue. Marie thinks they aren't necessary for any kind of dress since — " " — they aren't noticeable anyhow, because I hung a tapestry over those cracks in the wall — " S "I see that your clock is named Mystic?" "Yes, it's a wonder that it runs." ONCE THERE WAS A I'l I'lii who never sold subscriptions A Ilieta who never ha men will receive as many atrocious color combinations in ties as ever from doting females. 2. Everyone will forget Father until the last minute, with the result that he receives six shirts, four ties, three handkerchiefs, all charged to his account. .V It will be agreed that on account of the depression, you do not give presents this year — but you will be very much embarrassed if you take the agreement seriously. 4. Co-eds will protest that you really shouldn't give them anything. They're right, you shoiddn't — but may the gods protect you if you don't! 5. Men will tell co-eds they really expect nothing . . . and they will get it. 6. Stores will ha\e an unprecedented rush of exchange business on December 26. 7. Xo one will return to school admitting that he had a quiet vacation. 8. Hets as to who consumed the most liquor will pro- duce some niar\elous feats of imagination. '*. Large numbers of fraternity pins w\\\ be trans- planted. Id. .All these things will be repeated next year. Letter Di'pattmcnt • Di: \K S.\\T.\ Cl.-m s: I )o \()u suppose there be some place a man for me? A nian who doesn't dare to think he could drive most girls to drink; who doesn't tell his golfing .score, who never, never is a bore ? A man who'd cau.se a female's sighs, and yet be \ery, very wise; a m.in who never told of how much liquor he could hold ; a m.in who never thought his love would startle all the gods above; a man whose sayings were not trite, a man whose manners were just right; a man who.se dancing was divine: a man who some day might be mine. For sending me this paragon, so witty, rare, and true. .Most truly and sincerely, Fd thank you. Ima Cynic. Dhar Santa Ci.aus: Do \ou suppose there be some place a femme for me, who could do something more than simper, who was not a chronic primper; a woman beautiful and rather wise, yet one who does not roll her eyes! Who does not brag of other men, with details how and why and when. Who does not think that the reason you rate is determined by the number of dates. Who doesn't call you "dear sweet boy," who can act her age and not be coy. Who would not trifle with my afifections, who could not doubt my good intentions. Who would not rumple up my hair, who did not pick weird clothes to wear ; who carried her own when she wanted to smoke, who wouldn't care if I were broke; whose dancing was less of a struggle and more of an art, who to me some day would lose her heart. Who would not care if I had wealth or fame but who would be satisfied with just my name. If you could find such a woman, who'd neck only me — I'd much more than thankful be! I. M. Disgusted. Lesson "Oh, why are you puzzled, my pretty co-ed ?" "Now what shall I do to keep thin?" "(^h, I know the answer, my sweet co-ed," "Drink wine, old bourbon, and gin!" "Then tell me, kind sir, how I may gain weight. (Now whaddya knov.- about that!) "Drink beer, my happy co-ed, drink beer, "And I'll \\'arrant vou soon will be fat!" 'You sav voiu' wife is still as beautiful as when vou met "Yes, but she needs a lot more time." Holiday Number Helpful Column Conducted for I the Benefit of Erring Frosh By Carrie. A. Parashoot "If she can't solve your love- problem, nobody can't!" Carrie Parashott: Beeg Beta luff native gal, then leave me weep mooch all lone. He say he come back, get native gal, take her America ; show her beeg frat house. He no come again ; white gal capture beeg Beta. Native gal catch white gal, she keel her queek ! Yoo-Hoola, native gal. Dear Yoo-Hoola: Let me hasten to assure you that your Beta is not the victim of a white girl like you suggested, but, alas! of all kinds of girls! Worry no longer, little Yoo-Hoola, you're young and can forget. For your sake, however, I'll see that he has a swell funeral. I'll write and tell you all about it soon. Lovingly, Carrie A. Parashoot. Dear IVIiss Carriage: I are freshman in retorick "O" and ani been there the last three semes- teis. What to does? Sorrow-eyed. Dear Sorrow-eyed : Write the Siren, of course; and your style will improve so rapidly that within two weeks you'll be cor- recting your instructor, and in eleven months, the English faculty will be pleading with you on bended knee to join their ranks. Sincerely, Carrie. Dear Carrie A. : I belong to the Mu Pu Whew fraternity. I'm puzzled. My Theta ; gives me no encouragement, but I be- lieve she will accept my pin if I can only get her tight. How should I proceed ? Expectant. Dear Expectant: Put an aspirin in her coke when she isn't looking; then, if you get no response, flick your cigarette ash into same beverage while you pour burn- ing love words into her ears. Being i a Theta, she will immediately be- come flustered and will drink her coke absent-mindedly. You will then hang your pin, and being pie-eyed, she'll be wild with enthusiasm. Happy days to you ! Miss Parashoot. Keep It Dark Darkness settled down in the audi- torium of the magnificent new plane- tarium. The stars, like little spark- ling diamonds twinkled in the arti- ficial sky. The moon came up, crossed the sky amid the oh's and ah's of a thrilled audience, and was on the verge of disappearing below the horizon, when : In the back of the hall a fellow, who was with his sweetheart broke out thusly, "Aw mister, won't you leave the moon out for awhile?" How to Be a Gentleman Never do anything to a co-ed that your father hasn't done to your mother. — Chicago Phoenix. If the .Advertisements Lied Awakened at 10 a. m. by falling shingles — damn that Johns-Manville refroofing job — Baby Ben failed again — puts on slippers and slides into the wall — Goodyear Rubber heels — room cold — the Iron Fireman stuck again — walks into bathroom — notes that the inlaid Congoleum has cracked — drops tumbler on the Standard bathtub — cracks the pore- lain — turns on Crane faucet — breaks it off — no hot water — automatic Rudd Heater forget to turn on — de- cides to shave in cold water — cuts face with new Safety Gillette — Aqua Velva fails to stop flow of blood — blood stains new stainless Twinplex Stropper — breaks an unbreakable Ace comb in two — puts Stacomb on hair — hair still stands on end — tries Trim with same results — brushes teeth with Colgate's Ribbon Dental Cream that lies flat on the brush — tooth film not removed — rinses mouth with List- erine — morning mouth still present — Absorbine Jr. applied to rid self of dread Athlete's Foot — Athlete's foot still present — Faultless No-belt pa- jamas slip — gets angry — puts on Wil- son non-rip underwear — puts on Manhattan underwear after ripping Wilson's — Wrinkles Arrow Collar pulled out of drawer — thrown back — wrinkled — paris Garters pinch legs — Hickock Belt breaks — replaced by suspenders — Cheney Cravat tied up — looks like Hell — wrinkled and old style — puts on Learbury Suit — re- placed with another that looks just as bad — reaches for a Lucky — decides to graduate — takes Camel instead — not toasted — throws it away — tries Old Gold — coughs for five minute.s — tries a life saver — coughs five more minutes — tries Luden's cough drops — coughs for half an hour — tries Vic's Vaporub on chest — coughs for a week and dies. As he stepped off of the train in London, he was cordially greeted by his friends who were glad to see him with them. "Welcome into our mists," lisped Peckem: "You are not married yet, are you?" Youngbach: "No, but I'm en- gaged and that's as good as being married." Peckem: "It's a whole lot better if you only knew it." — XL of Iowa Frivol. 14 The SIREN "IJiisy?" "No. Vini hii^v-r ■•\>ell. I.fs no III .hiss." A SAD STORY Oswalil joiics was one of those fellows who didn't seem to count. He was a quiet fellow who attended to his own bvisiness, and so nobody seemed to notice him. This troubled him and to correct the situation he thought he would leave for college. That was the trouble, he was around too much. If he left he would be missed, and then the fellows would take more interest in him. So he packed his bags and left for the state university. The Christmas holidays arrived and Oswaqld went home. As he walked home from the railroad station with his bags, he met an old acquaint- ance. "Why hello!" exclaimed Oswald. "Oh. hello Oswald," said the fiiend glancing at the bags. "Going somewhere?" Now is the time of the year for all good men to get the significance of breaking up with the girl (or friends). Techniques A whisper, a sigh, a pica, and a lie; .Men — they are crafty with guiles; But a weeping of tears, and a shrinking from fears, These, yea, are feminine wiles ; Hut get you together a man and a maid. Who of their convictions are unafraid ; And twixt sighs and lies and smiles and wiles. There's narv a one who is calm and is staid ! Progress 7:30 — You're looking beautiful tonight." 9:30 — "Your hand is so nice and soft." 11:30— "What adorable lips!" 12:.30— ?? Brother: "What a figure!" .'\lum: "She sure costs me plenty!" Third Kappa Sig: "She looks fast." First Drunk: "Say, is she!" Another: "What a horse!" I Guest: "Waiter, where is the cheese in this spaghetti and cheese?" Waiter (indicating lengthy string) : "It's under that strip." Our idea of the world's most unfortunate man is the one who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and immediately acquired lockjaw. There may be two sides to every question, but you can't very well wear vour vest inside out. Then there is the absent minded man who poured alcohol in his radiator and drank a glass of water. S Lives of great men all remind us As we pass along the way. That it's best to wind our watches Just before we hit the hay. S Some men are born whh wealth and then others just inherit it. Now that the twelve weeks e.xams are over, and every- body is happy (hello. Ted Lewis!) we may cheerfully look forward to bigger things, sometimes called finals. Well, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it. "Can you float?" "A loan?" "Of course, silly, whoever heard of floating in pairs." Holiday Number 15 GEE, BRIDGE IS FUNNY! Gee, bridge is funny. Just last night I sat down with some of the boys to have a friendly little game — and this morning when I picked myself up off the floor, I discovered my right eye didn't work; my collar bone wasn't worth a damn, and the doctor said there was a crack in my head which looked as though a weapon similar to a sharp axe had come into contact with my cranium. Many's the time I've lost all my clothes in poker, and my cash in "hearts"; but this is the first time I ever lost my mind. It seems so strange without it, too; maybe that's because I kind of got dependent upon it after having it about twenty years. "Just what," asked the doc, "did you do to deserve all this?" "Ha!" I cried, "What self-respecting person woidd tolerate being called absurd and degrading names! " "None, of course," replied doc, "Only — tell me," he queried, "what insulting names did they call you?" "Can you imagine it — a DUMMY!" I replied, and went on to explain, "At first I tried to overlook it in them, considering the fact they were actives and I am a pledge — but after the tenth offense, something primitive and brutal in me welled up inside like a vast surging of emotion, I rose, threw down my hand, and went at them like a veritable lion of strength, determined at all costs to defend my self- respect." "Ah I' said the doctor, "Come with me! We have the ru'cest place for you to live in. It has the softest walls — all quiet and sound-proof. It's the nicest hotel, and it won't cost you a cent I" "It won't cost anything?" said I smartly, "I'll go!" Well, here I am in my cozy little room with the nice soft walls like the doc promised. There are such interesting guests here. You never know what they're going to do next. There's only one rule here; but I can't understand why they have it. It is that under NO circumstances must any guest of the hotel play bridge. Last night, however, we got up a private little game. When I picked myself up off the floor this morning, I guess I must have recovered the use of my mind — because as I walked out the door of the hotel, I was somewhat disappointed to read the following sign : "Home for Mentally Deficient Bridge Victims." I'm back in the fraternity house again. Last night we sat down to a friendly little game of bridge. Today, the coffin-maker came and took the measurements of three freshmen who got insulted because 1 told them they were the "dummy." -S- The Phi Taus Are Such Bright Boys The Phi Taus had a porter — as you can see by that, they nuist be one of the wealthier fraternities. Nevertheless they had a porter, and they loved him dearly. For several years the boys had been discovering every now and then that some- thing of theirs was missing, but they were good-natured, broad-minded, etc., and thought nothing of it. Of course they noticed the porter walking out of the house at different times, with several small articles under his arm, such as mahogany end tables, portable victrolas, and typewriters but they thought it was just one of his little pranks. Towels and blankets disappeared mysteriously, too, but as the boys had very little use for these, they just passed it off lightly. But then came the awakening — one night one of the brothers discovered that his favorite copy of the Police (jazette was gone, and he, being an intelligent fellow, snielled a rat. Being brave fellows a band of about twelve of them gathered together, and manfully strode over to the porter's house, and apprehended the fiend in his lair. On seeing these stalwart lads in a righteous fury, the porter quailed (or in the vulgate, gave them the bird) and forth- went down to the police station and ga\e himself up. The Phi Taus lifid a porter. -S- First hot number: "What do you think of Bill as a an ? " Second hot number: "Oh he makes me huigh." First hot number: "Yes he tickles me too." Cook-book catchwords: "Don't fry 'till you see the whites of the eggs." — Washington University Dirge. S "How did you get to know Tom?" "Oh, it was all so romantic — he shot my husband while we were out hunting — just like they do in the movies." 'I don't liiiovv uhetliei- to l>u.v the kid a new ear this ye-.w. or not." 16 The SIREN A STUDY IN WAISTS AND MEASURES Before I came to college, my mother warned me about food. "Daughter," she said, "Never cat more than you need." Often, during m\' freshman year, 1 puzzled over this term, and decided that want was synonymous with need. I had brownie ala modes, and chocolate milk shakes three times a day while I \\-as a pledge. When it c.inic initiation time, some of the girls suggested the\' might put me througli the ritual twice because I was just one size of my self too large. Chocolate cream pie and heavy malts were the mainsta\' of my sophomore year. I iidaunted by slithering remarks, 1 continued to enjoy life in a pleasant Gargantuan manner, (^iie thing I noted that puzzled me was a noticeable decline ill the number and intensity of my dates. My boy-friends started to sing me the song about "Kathareena " and the chorus burned in my cars for days. You know how it goes: "There's so much of you. Two could love you!" My junior year, I concentrated on French pastry and double whipped cream delights. People by this time had learned I was of a deep, sensitive nature regarding my state of avoirdupois, and never wittingly broached the subject. I sat at home every Friday and Saturday night now ; be- cause one time when dancing, I accidentally slipped and fell on my date. There was quite a scandal on campus next day when his twisted torso was recovered from the debris. My senior year I found my dream idol. He's a cun- ning five-fect-two, and reminds me so much of my little brother; but he's so devoted. I'm five feet nine and weigh three-hundred and se\'enty-five at present ; but I know we're ideally matched! Honey's very cold-blooded, and suffers from anaemia. He says he's always dreamed of the time when he could snuggle up against a nice comfortable wife. But isn't that just like a man — comparing his dream-girl to the ine\itablc furnace or sto\e pipe? I'm now married to Honey, the brute, and he mistreats me vilely. He beats me constantly. I think he's taken to drink. The other night, for example, when he came home late, there wasn't any dinner left because I got hungry waiting and ate it all up. Now, he's suing for a divorce, and our lovc-life has reached a dismal conclusion. I've lost two hundred pounds worrying so much. How I wish I could return to those happy-go-lucky days when I weighed a cnn\enient four-hundred ! "1 hear Mary's baby is si.x pounds under-weight.' "Well, she would marry an iceman." What Dateless Fraternity Men Do: (1). Take blind dates. (2). Call up sorority houses and ask for Mae. "Mae who?" Answer smartly: "Why, mayonnaise — I believe she's dressing!" (3). Go out on big bender and don't give a hang who sees 'em. (4). Sit around and let loose on what crocks all of the women on campus are. What Dateless Sorority Women Do: ( 1 ) . Take blind dates. (2). Call up fraternity houses and pull the gag: "Do you have any members who live out of the house? Well, bring them in — it's cold !" (3). Go out anyhow in dejected groups without a date and are embarrassed to death when they see somebody they know. (4). Sit around and mope on the morbid subject of how tlu'\ liaven't yet seen a man on campus fit to go with ! — b- Sigma Chi: "Say, did I ever show you the spot where I hurt my hip?" Sweetheart of : "N-n no — " Sigma Chi : "All right then ; we'll dri\ e over there." — U. of Minn. Ski-u-nmli. Undertakers have reconciled themselves to the present period of hard times. But they haven't given up hope. These times will change and there will be another stock market crash in a few vears. Holiday Number 17 Data If you were to take — all the sorority girls who never necked — all the fraternity men who never drank — all the chaperons who had a good time at a house dance — all the men who never got in a hull session — all the girls who told the latest that he was the first they'd ever kissed on a first date — all the profs who never flunked a student — all the freshmen who never had sneak dates and mix them all together and strain, \ou would get the same rotten lunches at the house as usual. Christmas is the time of the year, well, let me tell you what John Wolgast '32, Sig Pi says. He says that if you drink some of the spirits of St. Vitus you will break into the St. Vitus dance. The first Russian said: "Let'ski have a sleighing party." The cohort responded: "All rightovitch! Whom shall we slav?" Abie Cohen was out one day To see what he could see. Rosie dear walked by his side, "A coat you'll buy for me?" Christmas time was close at hand And Rosie whispered low, "Coats is vot 1 like, old boy. Your dough ve'll haf to blow." Rut Abie shied at prices steep, He wouldn't budge a notch. "Hush, my boy, dun't talk so loui: Or folks vill think ve're Scotch." "Do you know Dad, that animals get new furs every winter?" "Sh . . . not so loud (\our) mother is in the next room." First: "I'm going to attend a good school now. " Second : "So am I." First: "What, are you going to transfer too?" Second: "No, I'm staying here." SORORITY Sorority . . . can I borrow your formal . . . who you bringing . . . she gave him his pin back yesterday . . . province director coming Friday . . . put away those fags . . . where's my toothbrush . . . who's next on the tub . . . twelve week's exam tomorrow ... he asked the most awful questions . . . but the fellow next to me knew them all . . . where's a freshman . . . get that phone . . . rushing dinner . . . the cutest girl . . . getting a big Theta rush . . . can I borrow your gloves . . . they hot-boxed her . . . where's my College Humor . . . who took my hat . . . who you going to the Prom with . . . met the darlingest man in Feldkamps ... oh hell, I'm trying to study . . . nothing like life in a sorority . . . no, nothing . . . Thank God. . . . S She: "Isn't he a mountain of a man?" He: "Yea, reminds me of Old Baldy." S "/ lioir that one of our men got choked to death." "You don't say! How did it happen f" "Well, he tvas eating a piece of horse meat and some- hollered 'ff'hoa.' " — Arizona Kitty Kat. s Space for the dean will not permit us to tell you about the traveling salesman who stopped at the farmer's house one rainy night and said he'd just like to get something to eat and push on to the next town. — Arizona Kitty-Kat. S Jf'hy do you say beer is like the sun? Because it rises in the yeast and sets in the vest. — Ih of Texas Lonyhurn. \\\ uot da liell, 1 Uin vvalU witcha, modern kids ain't 18 The SIREN Coming Distractions As rc\icwed bv Alice Ireland And now. jit'iitli' rcadiMs aiul stu- dents ot Illinois, if an\', \\f prfsont tor your edification some delectable tidbits if morsels, cheese-crackers and ha\e \()u fiot anything else to eat? I'm hunirr\. Hut I digress, (can 1 help it if three keys on my typewriter are missing?) and I do want to call \our-wandering attention to some of the attractions down Champaign-way that you can see after you get all your homework done. ( Five cents down and the rest when they catch you — ). By the wa\', you might skip this charming introduction, if you are anxious for information. VOu might skip it aiuway. I'm going to . . . ".Mm and Hill, " soon conung to the VIR(iINlA, is a dramatic yarn of a self-sacrificing wharf-rat's mother love for practically-an-orphan and also the love of another derelict for her. Into this heavy stuff come many moments of grand comedy, sup- plied by those excellent performers, Marie Dressier and Wallace Beery. Be sure to see Min and Bill in their ludicrous cavortings; but leave the kiddies at home, for this is red- blooded, he-man stuff. Ambulances will be waiting at the door for those fragile young things whose idea of a real thrill would be a talkie version of the "Rover Bovs at Vassar." Keep the \'lR(il.\lA in mind and another good show, "Bill\ the Kid," with John Mack Brown playing the title role, will .soon unfold before \()ur eager eyes. Help yourself to some real stirring drama in which a heroic outlaw travels the pace that kills — his countless enemies. You'll like this blood and thunder story of the Kid taken from the romantic stories of his life. lohii Mack Brown's southern drawl doesn't ex- actly seem to fit the character he portrays, but it does no serious harm to the picture. Would you like to see the sweetest old lady that ever trotted across the silver screen? Then watch for Charles Ruggles in "Charlie's Aunt." Riiggles succeeds in looking and talk- ing like a sweet soprano, and wears skirts in an endeavor to try to be a perfect lady, though at times he does lift his skirts a bit higher than any nice old lady would consider proper. It isn't any easy job for a healthy bass to be demure and sopranic (?), but Charlie's Aiuit does right well by his role. If you care for Harry Langdon, skip over to the RIALTO and see him in "Soldier's Plaything," a queer combination of slapstick comedy and swiftly moving drama. It is a moderately entertaining war picture with Ben Lyon and Lotti Loder — but remember, I .said if you care for Harry Langdon. Take along your sou'wester for their next picture, "Derelict," and sit in on a ferocious storm at sea. And who do you suppose brings in the good ship to a safe harbor on Para- mount's Stage Right? None other "So I sii.ts, Saiit.v, just use jour .judi;- inent." "Well, what did .'tou set?" ".\ rope ladder liir as, transportation, water and telephone service is so necessary to the convenience and comfort of your daily life, it is in truth a semi- public activity. For that reason, the company supplying these services is known as a "public utility." The individual community is known by its utilities. Good lights, abundant power, good telephone service, pure water, good transportation tell a stranger within the gates more about the city than can the spoken words, A public utility organization that is successful reflects its success throughout the community. It pays dividends to the people in the community with increased and improved utility service. This company is endeavoring to pay a daily service dividend in return for the good things it enjoys with all the people in this community. Illinois Fower and Light Coxpoiation Overheard at the Prom "Stop! Please don't do that, dear. Stop! Do you hear nie? Stop!" "What do you think you're doing, writing a telegram?" — Penrisylv/itiin Piitich Boiil. We admit that a modern girl living at a power station might get watts from eating too many currents but still we think it might transformer. — Boston U. Bean Pot. Rollicking Rover, the office dog, says: "No woman can make a fool out of a man unless she has co-operation." — South Dakota Wet Hen. New York Gangster: Do you have much control over the city of Chicago? Chicago Gangster: Control — even the stop lights are fixed. — The Pitt Panther. Judge (to docketed weather man): "Your forecast is fine and costs with no relief in sight." — I'anderbilt Masqtierader. lothe Ballad There she stood, a bit depressed And feeling sorry too, And no one cared to give a bid To her, so sad and blue. A scarf of lace was gathered o'er Her arms and 'round her back, Rut still she knew 'twas more than She really seemed to lack. What could it be ? She had no scars, Her age was not too old ; Her slender legs were beautiful. That is, so she was told. Two handsome college boys right near But no bid, just a stare; Then all at once th« auctioneer Yelled, "How much for this chair?" — Boston U. Bean Pot. "You'll never see anything like it! Their blocking is absolutely perfect, their interference is superb, and their poiL'cr, drive, and endurance — well, those boys just can't be stopped, that's all. They'll siveep through everthing. Yeh, take it from me, you ivant to go to the Cotillion and see those Sophs in action." — \otre Dame Juggler. 22 The SIREN There's at Least One In livery House The girl who is contimiiiiji her viohii lessons at school. The girl who is always laiiientiiig the loss of sorority spirit. The freshman who won't take showers w itii flu- nrher girls. A "No Parking" sign." A picture of l?uil(l\- Rogers. The girl . . . — Boston Bciiitt")t. S Remember, ye Ronieos, that while some fellows may bo;ist of being the reason why girls leave home, it's the guy who can make them conn- back tiiat's got a really good line. — Boston Beanpot. S Thint/s ivc hate to h/irc our Inst //iris do — /. /t/i/(- us ivluit n-f think of our rooni-tiintc /mil tin ii start going ivitli him. 2. Tell Its !ch/it /I hot /l/itc they h/ul ihr niz/ht hi fore. 3. Yawn. 4. Look disgtistrtt. 5. Borroiv our r/iiiih /in/l ihiin thnrrjughly before using. 6. Smoke our last eig/irette. — Boston Beanpot. Dignified old lady in museum (slightly deaf) : What sort of foot apparel is on that statute? Old lady: Eh? I didn't hear. Attendant: Boot, boot, a boot. Old lady: See here, young man don't try any of your jazz songs on me. — Cornell II i/ioic. — S- The Perfect Grime Before stepping into the street he looked back into the room he had just gone over. It would never do, thought he, to leave anything amiss for then he was most certainly a ruined man. Everything depended upon his carefulness. He removed the stain from the carpet, cautiously removed a similar stain from the steel paper knife, and saw to it that the chair he had overturned was put back in its place. He removed the fingerprints from the doorknob, swept up the ashes which had fallen from his cigar, cleaned up the muddy prints which led to the window, and with his customary foresight looked for further signs. Suddenly he spied a platinum stud lying under the bureau. "Whew," he whistled under his breath, "What a narrow squeak! Wouldn't old man Scroggins make it hot for his man if he couldn't tind his stud !" — (Cornell IFi/l'riv. -S- Now that the Red-headed Alphafee is out of circulation (oh, yes, haven't you heard?) what more is there in life for Jack. (Last name sent upon urgent request.) A Playlet in One Act Place — Telephone Booth. Time — Up to you. ACT I, SCENE I Englishman: Hello. Operator: Hello? Englishman: 15ranch Brook 4212. Operator: Branch Brook 4212? Englishman: Hello! Operator: Hello? Englishman: Hello? Operator: Hello! Englishman: Well? Operator: Well! Englishman (slamming receiver) — Damn that echo! — Prineeton Tiger. Captain: If anything moves, you shoot. Sentry: Yes, and if anything shoots, I move. — Longhor?!. Indignant One: Why don't you put "Wet Paint" c that bench. Painter: I did. — Longhorn. First College Man: Hey, watcha doin'? Second So and So: Hie! Celebratin' tha football game. First Ditto: Well whyntcha wait until after it's over? Second Ditto r Won't be nothin' to celebrate about then. — N. W. Purple Parrot. "What a charming baby, Mrs. Jones, and he does re- semble your husband. "Gracious, you alarm me; we adopted this baby." — U. of Boston Beanpot. She: Don't tell me you didn't have a date last night. I saw you with my own eyes. He: Well are you going to believe me, or your eyes? ■ — Carnegie Terh Puppet. S He: So you made these candies with yovu" own dear little hands? She (coyly) : Yes, why? He: I just wondered how you managed to stamp "Hershey" on the bottom of each one. —Bucknell Belle Hop. "Now, sonny, go wash your face. Do you want to grow up to look like Al Jolson ?" — L''. of Chicago Phoenix. Holiday Number 23 Clubbed to Death fl hat Great Men Say of iMiniatiire (!o/f: Shakespeare : Out, out damned spot. Bryant: So live that ivhen thy summons romc to join that mysterious caravan, etc. Patrick Henry: Our brothers are a/ready in the field. Why stand ire here idle? Kipling: You're a better man than I am, Cunt/a Din. Sandburg : I am the grass: I cover all. Floyd (j i b b n n s: Readthcliterarydigestforunbiased- opinions. Calvin Coolidge: Ditto. — The Pitt Panther. _ s i« Stretching a Point Did you hear the one about the Scotchman who, after Tiaking a hole-in-one on a prize hole on a small-scale golf rourse, had a stroke and then died because his Aberdonian lartner made him count it? — The Pitt Panther. A Chicago actress came into a lawyer's office and said. 'I want a divorce." "Certainly," said the lawyer. "For a nominal fee I vill institute proceedings." "What is the nominal fee?" "Five hundred dollars," he replied. "Nothing doing," retorted the lady. "I can have him hot for ten." — [7. of loiva Frivol. The next day after a late party during a convention )ne salesman said to another, "How did you find yourself his morning?" "Oh, I just looked under a table and there I was." — [/. of Iowa Frivol. Saint Peter was interviewing the fair damsel of the )early gate. "Did you, while on earth," he asked, "indulge n necking, petting, smoking or dancing?" "Never!" she retored emphatically. "Then why haven't you reported sooner?" asked St. 'eter. "You've been dead a long time." — U. of lon-a Frivol. Heard in a Jailyard Dumb Dora: Oh Daddy, what does that man play? Daddy: Why that man's a prisoner, Dora. Dumb Dora: Well then what did he get his numerals or? ^Cornell IVidow. "Hot darn!" said the old lady as she mended the fifth tocking on the hottest day in July. — (7. S. M. C. Pointer. TAKEOFF NUMBER Here you are folks, the long waited for take-off on Physical Culture by IVIadame Siren herself. Read all about the mysteries of life, how to develop your muscles in thirty days or your money back, why children are, the perfect physique and how it aflects women and so on through the pages. Drown your worries of finals ($$&((?) by reading The Siren during exams. Give one to the Prof, and get an ".\" out of the course. Shoot in six bits (75c) to The Siren and laugh from now until June. Four for the price of a date (Some times they can be had for that.) DON'T W.AIT. Do it now while the money's fresh. The SIREN 24 The SIREN Swell Presents Here are Some Things Good Enough for Anybody Ice skates $10.00 a pai Books — for $25.00 with shoes) $7.00 to r every reader 50c to Illinois Pennants, Blankets, Shields, Book Ends, Ash Trays. Cigaret Cases, Lighters, etc. Kodaks $2.00 to $20.00 Desk Sets, Lamps, Illinois Jewelry Fine Toilet Goods Brief Gases $3.50 to $10.00 Fine Gigars Fountain F Sets ens. Pen and Pencil Memory Books, Photo Albums, Diaries, Purses, Bill Folds At Prices to Save You Money THE CO-OP On the Square On the Square Tears There are tears that are strained ; There are tears that are feigned ; There are tears that are rained Perchance Hut the tears that are worse And that make a guy curse are the tears in the back of your pants) ! — U. of Joica Frivol. S Professor: "This examination will be conducted on the honor system. Please take seats three apart and in alternate rows." — (/. of loiia Frivol. S // was a dark alley in one of the icorst parts of the toivn. Three men jvere icaiting. One of them pulled a slouch hat doivn over his eyes and said: "D'ya see him?" Another took a quick peck around the corner. "Yes. here he conies," he grunted. The man with the slouch hat picked up a short, thick section of pipe. Another took up a heavy bar. ichile the third i/rahbed a small, but none the less effective, urench. "All right . fellows, here we go," one hissed. And when the boss came around the corner, he found his three plumbers hard at ivork. — Arizona Kitty-Kat. Times are certainly hard. Just the other day we heard of a football player who got laid off. — -Vanderbilt Alasquerader. S Ag Prof. : "Why is some milk blue?" Frosh : "These hard times seem to make the cowi rather depressed." -Tennessee I\Iuyuump. -S- "The best time to take a bath is just before retiring." "No wonder these boys retire at a ripe old age." — Vanderbilt Masquerader. S Customer: "Are you a criminal lawyer?" Chicago attorney: "Yeah, whom do you want shot?" — Vanderbilt Masquerader. — S Professor: "James could you write a good paragrapl on football?" Bright Little James: "Not this year, teacher, not this year." — U. of loiva Frivol. S On his sabbatical leave, a psychology professor tourei Europe. PVhen he visited the Rock of Gibraltar, he wroti home the following letter to one of his colleagues: "Thl trouble with this place is that it's suffering from a fixatioi complex." — U. of Chicago Phoenix, Holiday Number 25 I Always Get Christmas Cards Ones which have on them engravings of ladies in hoop skirts and men in tall hats and frock coats . . . the linings of these were designed by a man who saw the window shades of the house across the street from the dye works that blew up. Mediaeval affairs with yule logs and wassail bowls and \arlets and holly all over the lot . . . if every other test fails you can always spot them by the inevitable "Merrie Christ- mas." Woodcuts of lobsided pine trees or cockeyed skyscrapers tliat look like a pile of cracker boxes. They are printed on what looks like kindergarten paper, and they have the grace to leave them blank so you can write what you please on tliem. The Eddie Guest Card . . . the "from us to you, the whole year through," sort, with tasty decorations of us at our firesides out in Idleside, the suburb ideal for the man on a salary. The moderne card, which is kinda stale now. Triangles and circles gone haywire on silver or red paper at twenty- five cents a throw. They always say "Joyeux Noel" be- cause it sounds snootier. The comic card, and bless its heart it hasn't changed since 1909, when Ma got one with a picture of a man hold- ing a rigged fishing rod "I'm dropping you a line to wish \ou a merry Xmas" written under it. The homemade card . . . after all it is the sentiment that counts, and we must have our individuality. Un- questionably this is the group that has the individuality. I always get Christmas cards ... I wonder why . . . whatineJI have thev got to do with Christmas? -S— Excerpt from a sociology text: "Marriage is a great a: noble institution ; no family should be without it.' — V. of Minn. Ski-u-iiiiih. Collitch Man: I'm here on probation. Student: You're lucky, I have to pay my own way. — U. of Pittsburgh Pitt Panther. Bellboy: "Call tor .Mr. G'Hrien. Call for Mr. O'Hrien. Jewish (lentlcman : "Vait a minute, boy. Vat iss de initial, please?" — The Lehigh Burr. Rooster: "Why are you eating those tacks?" Hen: "I'm going to lay a carpet." — [/. of Pittsburgh Pitt Panthe VIRGINIA SIND.W, MONDAY, Tl KSDAV. I)K( . 14, l."), I(i The "Hii; House" of Conietl.t — and a N'i'W "Cockf.vecl World" "UP THE RIVER" With the new sensational eoniedj leani SPKNCKK TKAt Y \YAKKKX HYMKN One of the l)est sereeii eoniedies of the year \M<:i)., THl |{S., 1 Kl., S.AT., DEC. 17, 18, lit, 2(1 Mai-li Twain's ISeloved Story of Childhood "Tom Sawyer" Willi JacUie (oilman, .lunior Dnrldn, Mit/.i (ireen If .von're 10 or (iO, this immortal story will warm .your heart! ORPHEUM sATiKitAY, sl^nA^, .M(»m»\y. i»i:(. i:;, ii. i:> Never sued a love t;aml>le heforel "The Lottery Bride" recUless adventures — warrins loves with ■leanette MaeUonald, .loe E. Urown, Zazii Pitts Tl h S., WKU., THIKS., KKI., I)K( . l(i, 17, 18, I!t Lau$;'hs and Thrills! I.ove and (hills! W'lM. HAINES broadeastini; from antir melodranur that will stir you like static "Remote Control" iiii.i.\ :moua\ (iiaui.ie \<\su Start the New Year Right By Attendiuii J. C'S COFFEE HOUSE Across From Pri'liii's-o)i'()rei>o>i (It Least Once a Day a Sandwiches and Sundaes a Specialty _Y, The SIREN Special Busses Christmas \ acation To MOLINE ROCK ISLAND I) A\ EN FORT OTTAWA STREATOR JOLIET AURORA ELGIN IMTTSFIELD MORRISON STERLING LASALLE PERU MENDOTA OREGON ROGKFORD QUINGY Leave Prehns-nn-Green 11:30 A. M. Saturday. December 2Uth Return Monday A. M. January 5tli PARKHILLS TOURS INC. Phone 4848 or make reservations Prehn's-on-Green— 1:00 to 5:30 P. M. Would you care to dance, Miss Klaig? Craig? Oh. Isn't it hard meeting so many names at once, though? Are you a freshman? A junior! Well, I didn't think you were a freshman; to tell the truth you look like a senior but I didn't want to embarrass you in case you weren't. I re- member once I got taken for a P. E. major and I was so mad ! May I cut in? \ou're \Iiss (jeg, aren't you? Craig? Oh, \cs, 1 got you mixed up with somebody else. I adore \our fluffy little frock. What's your major? Physical Kducatioii? Well, I think that is just lovely and healthy — May I cut in. Miss Crag? Are you related to the Mr. Crag that runs the hardware store on Telegraph? Oh, Craig! Now don't think I didn't remember you, dear, be- cause I did. This Mr. Crag is sort of odd anyway but we buy all our wire from him. Are you just entering? A junior! Oh, sorry! May I cut in? Oh, realh' must you go? Are vou thrilled with starting college, Miss Egg? — Stanford (.'lia/>/>ari{i/. Getting to Know the Girls "Now," said the super-salesman, "this instrument turns irccn if the licjuor is good — red if it is bad." "Sorry, but I'm color-blind." apologized tlic prospect. 'Got .-mytiiing with a gong on it?" — Notrr Dii/iu Jiii/i/lir. Familiarity breeds contempt. Familiarity breeds attempt. Familiarity breeds content. -Siuasht "He made that last hole under par." "How do you know? ' "A little birdie told nic." — Stanford CJiapptural. Aviatrix: "Kiss me and I'll jump." Aviator: "AH right 'chute." — Finn State Froth. Little girl, in subway car: "Mama. wh\- is that man over there getting up in such a hurry?" Mother: "Why darling, he is a Har\ard student, and he is offering his place to the old lady." Little girl: "Mama, then why is he pulling that thumb- tack out of the seat of his pants?" — Harvard Lampoon. So start your search right now, my dear. And search till the atonement. You'll find one thing most definite; Indefinite postponement. — Harvard Lampoon. Drinkin' Song Drink a mug to dear old State I like this damned old place first rate It saves me money on a date Cause I don't need a new straight eight And then the girls can't stay out late. — Penn. State Froth. Some claim that the shortest story in the world is "Adam had 'em." But an even shorter story is "Eve had 'it. " — Harvard Lampoon. "What do you mean, that black eye is a birth mark? " "Hcrth mark, (jot in the wrong berth." — Dartmouth Jark-o-Lantcrn. She wrote all her confidential news in the postscript because she thought P. S. stood for past! — Dartmouth Jack-o-Lantcrn. Things could always be worse. Just think if Floyd (Gibbons stuttered. — Harvard Lampoon. Holiday Number 27 Heigh Ho — the Holly! —and here's a cheerful thought— Cheney Cravats!— always a welcome gift because they're always in good taste. For all day- time and evening occasions. Your favorite shops carry them. C ]H[ E N IE Y CRAVAT^ MADE OF CHENEY SILKS 2S The SIREN BRING HER TO— RKFRESHINO DRINKS * CHAMPAIGN. ILL. ' After the Show or After the Dance Ivast (>reen and Soiitli Nci! Streets lOASTED SANDWICHES 1 was in Ni-w ^ ork twenty-four liours and no one: 1. Stole ni\ hat in a restaurant. 2. Tried to sell nie : a. The Brooklyn Bridge. b. A gold brick. c. Stolen furs. d. \ "genuwine" \\-atch for a dime ( and they e\ en do that in Philadelphia.) -V Lxploded a gun in ni\ car. 4. Sidled up to me with a furtive look in his eye. 5. Pointed out any drunken cops. AVhat kind of a city is that any\va\ ? — Pinii. State Froth. "What could be worse than a guy with fleas?" "I know." "What?" "Supposin' they chirped!" — fCasliiiu/t'iii U. Dirt/c. 1 call nn' big moment, "Impromptu" because she makes up as she goes along. — Broivn University Broicii J ug. He: "Has she a steady boy friend?" She: "No, he pledged Delt yesterday." — ('. (jf Miini. Si'i-u-/iiIE.>lBEK vie.xn.v "I BRl.NG A LOVE SONG" Leo Reisman & Orch. 2:iiilO-"PE:VAI,TY OF LOVE" "LOVIN- YOU THE WAV 1 DO" Rubber Riler & Ilia Mileage Makers 23015-'-I»lY MAX FROM r.lROI-IXE" "I LIKE A LrrTLE GIKL LIKE THAT" Joe lenuli & llii Victor R e c WAISTCOATS OF REAL QUALITY Before you buy a dress or dinner waistcoat, make it a point to look for the ojreen label of Catoir Vesting on tbe strap. If it is not there, you may be certain that you are not getting the best in either fabric or workmanship. CatqiR {Pronounced "KAT^WAH"! VESTINCS FACINGS LININGS 30 The SIREN Rialto Theatre December 13-19 (JeorOeArliss What (jun You Telephone? llillo. opiTiitoi! (ii\e nic the poHce station, quick! I'olicf station — Captain O'C^raily speaking;. Hello, Captan. There's been an a\\ fnl murder and rob- bery and . . . Name please? Henry Smith. There's been an awful murder and rob- bery over here anil . . . Address? 26 Main street. There's been a robbery and murder an,l . . . Nationality? -American. There's been a robbery and killing over . . . Heiglit and weight? T feet 1(1, 155 pounds. There's been a murder and . . . Color of hair, complexion? Light brown, fair. There's been a mur . . . Married or single? Single. There's been a . . . Ever have mumps, scarlet fever? No. I've been robbed, murdered . . . Years of age? Robbery, murder, murDER, MURDER, MURDER! AW right — what's the trouble now? (Weak voice at the other end) — Oh, everything's just fine captain. Just wanted to see how you're getting along. Give my love to the wife and kiddies, goodbye. — Dartmouth Jnck-o-Lantern. Hungry Eskimos eat candles and blubber Hungry students eat ice- cream Whose? CHAMPAIGN Ice Cream Co. 4175 4176 We were walking through the park the other night. Just ahead of us was Andy. A bum stopped him. "Can't you help a poor fellow?" he said, "I only got a dime." "Naw," said Andy, "but I'll match you for it." — Shvtisher. Dormitory Dick says: "When I came here last fall I used to bathe every night to keep from getting the sheets dirty. Now I bathe every morning." — j\l. I. T. Woo Doo. S We saw our roommate's dream girl the other night. Yeh. And from now on, we're going to see to it that he doesn't eat anything heavy before he goes to sleep ! — Boston Beanpot. Head Cook : Didn't I tell you to notice when the soup boiled over? Assistant: I did. It was half past ten. — Texas Rant/rr. Wliy are Scotchmen so close-mouthed? Silence is golden. — Arizona Kitty-Katl. Holiday Number 31 Prof, (diiniuj ixuin): Yiiuny /nan, ivhal do yon litivf to stiy about that ivritiiiff on your cuff.' Young man: Isn't it terrible the nay the laundry treats one's shirts? — .Arizona Kitty hat. DER TAG "The time will come," thundered the lecturer on woman's rights, "when women will get men's wages! " "Yes," said the meek little man in the rear seat. "Next Saturday night." — Alabama Rammer Jammer. S "Waiter, bring me two eggs, friend on one side but not too hard, toast with plenty of butter, canteloupe not too ripe but ripe enough, and coffee with just a little cream." "And how will you ha\e your water?" — Arizona Kitty-Kat. Limerick A man with a talkative wife Eats his alphabet soup with a knife He admits he'd as soon Eat the soup with a spoon But-this-way-he-can-get-a-few-words-in-edgewise. End of Limerick — Dartmouth Jack-o-Lantern. Sigma Chi (supporting flag pole) : I'll have you knoiv- -hie-hic, that I'm part of the Standard Oil Company." Tuscallosa Cop; "And what part are youf" Sig Chi: "Hie — one of the tanks." — Alabama Rammer Jammer. Famous Contributions to Mankind China, hand laundrys. Greece, cigars, cigarettes, and candy stores. Italy, Sh ! The revenue officers may hear. Palestine, old clothes. Brazil, aw nuts! — (Jomell U idoiv. Jim : What's college bred. Dad ? Dad (whose son is at Drexel) : They make college bred, my boy, from the flour of youth and the dough of old age. — Drexel Institute Drexerd. There has been a question that has been bothering us for a long time that we's been unable to solve so we are going to pass it on to you — If a man named coffee married a woman named pot would their children be perculators? — lona Frivol. Say. . . ''Merry ChjHstmas*' With Jewelry from Our Store Make Your Selections Now Following our usual custom we have arranged a plan for reserving early selections until wanted, thereby giving our customers all the advantages of buying from fresh, new stocks, with courteous service. Take advantage of this plan. Every depart- ment abounds in new choice designs and out- standing values. CARL W. IMOUCH Mouch's Comer no North Neil PICTURES ARE INDISPENSIBLE SUCCESSFUL PUBLICATION Etchir»,inps Colo nptat^vp G.RGRUBBeCO ., ENGRAVEftS ^ CHAMPAIGN, >- ILLINOIS. ^ 32 The SIREN I' Th ere are TOO MANY WOMEN • Katharine Brush has written the saga of a profes- sional hfe-guard. ■ A tea-brown giant in a brief gray suit, he followed the sun and the sun-burned swimmers North in summer and South in winter. His profile, like a head for a coin, belonged against a background of beach and beach umbrellas and bright silk beach pajamas — and women. Women's eyes were always on him, but his blue gaze was not to be held for long .... And then he met Ruby in a hot little Inland town where there was no sea, no sand, no nothing — just a girl with yellow hair and violet eyes. Just one girl, when there were a hundred million in the world. A Complete Novelette by KATHARINE BRUSH One oF the grandest oF a series oF grand stories this writer has done For Collese Humor, in the next issue. Colle^eHumor MAGAZINE \Vi- don't realize how lucky we arc that boo/.c dofsn't govern the world. A corkscrew would make a niisihty poor ruler. — U'dshiiii/lon I'. Dirt/r. -S- Figg: "What do you think of my argument before the lodge last night, Fogg ? Fogg: "It was sound — very sound — ( Figg is delighted) — nothing but sound, in tact." — The Lthujh Burr. -S- On the stage it's personality. ( )n the Row it's purse-onality. — Alalxima Rtiniiner Jniiniur. -S- The rumble seat isn't entirely modern after all. Recently a skeleton of a woman with her legs wrapped around her neck was discovered. — Kansas Sour Old. Co-ed : Doctor, take a look at my knee. Doc: Nothing apparently wrong. Co-ed: Yeh. but ain't it a peach. — loiva Frivo/. Jtft(V(-ffC- "Merrie Christiiias :nul a Hiipp.v Noo Year." c ONFIDENCE in DIAMONDS The confidence of our customers is the reward of our reputation. To assure this prestige, we feature Bluebird Registered Diamonds for those who demand quahty diamonds. WUESTEMAN Jewelry Store BLUEBIRD A' e g i s t e r c d DIAMOND RINGS Smart and Chic in the $50 assortment Gay and Lovely from the $100 display 14 Main Street Champaign, Illinois Sparkling ( l^rom the grinip at DCDans XTCUUURE How to Reform Your Form by OSCAR PRATT, M. D. A Good Neck for Personality hy CARL TRILLIAMS A New College Uprising bv CLAIRE GESSLER Seducing the Public by DR. PHIL ROX, R. S. V. P. Telling Your Children About Sex by PROF. AL KWALE BURNARD MAGGADAM'S stirring new EDITORIAL FOUR two -bits I he most efficient way of shutting off the blues since they first put switches on radios . . . cigarettes that really SATISFY/ MILDER . . AND BETTER TASTE 1 1930 Liggett & Myfrs Tobacco Co. Phvsical Ciiltnri Portraits By Photography For those who are discriminating enough to want only the best The Hoyt Studios ASK TO SEE OUR SPECIAL OFFERS KENNETH EUGENE FREDERICK 623 East Green Street Champaign Mr. Frederick personally makes each sitting '/■/iiSIRF.N Daniels ^Shoaff FraternitN Letter Shop Typing, Mimeographing Printing, Maihng Sixth and Green Above Spalding Drug Go. Fifty-Fifty Fatlu'i': "-M\' ;ms\\cr (lc|n-ii(ls upon Noiir )in:inci:il position." Suitor: "Ami my tiii;iiu'i:il position depends oji your answer." — I liiii'iii/l L/i//i/>'/riii. S Junior: 1 feel like an old man. Soph : How come? Juiiioi': I just heard a frosh telling about the tilings he used to do when lie was a kid. — ( '. of I'lx/is L'l/ir/h'ii n. Guest: I sure am thirsty. Hostess: I'll get you some water. Guest: I said thirsty, not dirty. — U. of Ktmstis Sour On!. "I hear you shot your way out ol jail?" "IJh, huh; one shot of my hipior .ind e\ery guard I came to passed out cold." I^i// I'luithn . Tourist (looking at Venus dc Milo) : One thing those old Greeks had on us; when they talked disarmament, they disarmed. — Cornell JVidoiv. When you are downtown or after the show drop in at the NEW Lily Cafe DINE— DANCE Iu)itntii'ni Liniclics ORCHESTRA E^ ery Sunday Afternoon J list re model I'd and firzc dame floor added South Neil Street (Champaign Pete: What does Mr. Murphy do foi- a living? Re-pete: Oh, he's a fine guy. Pete: Whatcha mean "fine" guy? Re-pete: A fellow who sits on the bench and hears the cases, you know, a judge. — (joh/ntc Hunter. S Happy: I kissed that girl last night. Hooligan: Did she like it? Happy: Sure! She even told the ilean about it. — Ohio Green Goat. "How's your sandwich?" "A\\fid ! This liam must have been cured by auto- suggestion." — IJashington U. Dirge. The school girl who used to say, "Aw, come on and let me chew your gum until recess!" now sa\s, "Say, boy friend, gimme a drag off that Camel before the damn bell rings!" — North Dakota Met Hen. Sign in small town barber shop: Whiskers pushed, pulled, driven, or cut. Absolute sat- isfaction guaranteed or whiskers refunded. — Battalion. Physical Culture To the type of mind that exults in ff high adveiiture^^ ^ The teleplioue lias taken wing! Auistributors SINCE 1882 FOR ^n THE BELL SYSTEM The SIREN Pul>lisheil monthly bv the Illini Publishing Company, U Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Office at Urban Office of publication. Illini Publishing Company. Sub.scri nainiratiuns, Illini, is r.unn HuiklinK. C'banipaiyn. llUnnis. (-..p; rights granted to (pUgtHumOr magazine. sity of Illinois, during the college year. ■nois, bv act of Congress, March 3, 1879. price $1.00 the year. Address all ht. l''.!l, liN The Siri-n. Kxclusivt- re The Physical Culture '\ umber III thi.s issue the SIREN presents its own collosal takeoff on Physical Culture. We offer all manner of apologies to Mr. MacFadden and any others concerned. We hope that tlicre will be no offense at an\ of our innocent attempts at humor. It would not have been possible to put out svich an issue without the help of a great number of people. Among tho.se who are responsible for its success are Al Niess, Wayne Morgan, Catherine Haynie, Joyce Newbill, Lars Halvorsen, Henry Avery, Rill Amsler, Ted Griesenaucr, Doug Frost, and David Jones. The fine cover is the work ot Harold iiowcn. Fhvsical (J nit tire DON'T be an ASS! No matter how hopeless your case may seem — send for free Voice Book. Don't bray like the Gentleman, above, don't squeal at your friends, don't croak when you attempt to speak, don't limit your voice to a few — increase your range — banish huskiness and hoarseness. Eliminate putting pebbles in your mouth like Demosthenes. Be a second Cicero, Burke, Pat Henry, or Wang. y \. Your Case May be nothing to speak of, but Take No Chances send in the coupon Hurry! Hurry! \ Mail Coupon Today! y _ — _ ^H Imperfect I oice Institute W I Chiomega Hovel \i I Please send me, with obligations, ^^ ' Prof. Fechinger's new book. Check desired subject. /" Weak Voice Yodelling Sputtering Name Position Lady? -_ Gentleman? J The SIREN SUN MON TUES WED THU FRI ^ •"Si. ('Cy. <«!a- <■<»- 1 2 3 4 S 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 \5 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Give Me... 31 DAYS and I will develop your mus- cles or bust! — A nnette Fvllcrmau How would you like to have a figure that would rival the German war debt in prom- inence? How would you like to have a load taken oft your chest? How many inches would you like to have taken oft' your hips, legs, and arms? In thirty-one days I can prove to you why I am the beauti- ful, shapely woman that I am. Through methods developed by myself I have kept my beautiful figure for fifty years. I have made myself and I can do the same for you. 40,000 women of every weight, age and ideas have been benefited by these methods. Why should you fear obesity in any shape, manner, or form? Or if you have rings under your eyes, are troubled with warts, have a sallow com- plexion just send in the coupon for my free booklet, whether Miss or Mrs. You owe it to your- self and your husband to have a figure that he would be proud to display to all those who are skeptically inclined. And it's fun this new easy way. Just twenty hours a da'y and in thirty or forty years >ou can start in to sleep and eat regu- larly. I allow you plenty of indulgences, no diets, drugs or pills. Your husband or lover will be pleased and that in itself is incentive enough. Send coupon Now ! Please state .\nnette Fellerman Inc. Sweet 86, Alfazee Shack l>c;ir Aniiic: I uaiil In Insc liDiinds. --[ liK'liniitiun:; \>ars in college- .J Fehnuiry Examitis .\nd Other Oncstions from Health Seekers (Conducted b>- liurnhard Macadam's l.iltlc Pal (Jiiiitioii: K\fi\ tiiiK- I Mt down, 1 Iumi tiniji\ r;ittliiig noises in my head. My toenails tingle and my nose itches, 1 lia\e a coat on my tongue and my breath comes in short pants. Life has become vnibearabic. Neither my husband or I have any cliihlren. What shall I do? Ansjicr: I wovild suggest sitting up exercises fifteen minutes a day. A good exercise for developing the neck goes as follows: Sit on the back of a chair, resting the fore- liead on a ladiator. If hot, open the window and call off your (late for that night. Wrap feet thoroughly in warm flannels and wiggle toes from left to right. Throw right arm around left rung of chair, deep breathely and hold breath for thirty minutes. If eyes begin to pop out of head use Murine for the eyes. Without moving, call up the Lily Cafe. If the line is busy try Hoyt's Studio and ask to have a picture taken. If the answer is negative, think nothing of it. Go into a dark room and develop yourself. If you aren't dead by this time, your constitution doesn't need amcrKhii". If \ou arc, don't bother to read this. Oiicstinii : I am suffering from fallen arches and am unable to attend bridge parties the way I usta. My legs wobble and shake the table so that my partners have to hang on for dear life. What shall I do? Miss I ma Sapp. Aiisucr: Wy suggestion, Ima, would be to change from bridge parties to beach parties. Bridges are so shaky in these days of unsupport that they have become absolutely undependable and their arches are apt to fall any minute. As for your W'obbly legs, they're beyond me. Ever since I referred to my girl's legs as Alpha Xi pins, I have been disillusioned. But I digress. Getting back to yoin' legs, let me say that there is nothing like a good alcohol rub. Qiustioii: It was while I was having the seven year itch for the sixth time that I fell in love with a radio announcer from Watkins Glen. Just last week I discovered that he is not only a bigamist but a professional sword jwallower in his spare moments. What would you advise? AnsjLtr: It is generally unsafe for a person with a float- ing kidney to take a bath in salt water. It is strongly recom- mended that \()u consult a quack at once. Try reading light fiction and eating se\eial ripe baniuias befoie retiring. (Jiics/iiiii : My son, Theabald, has a tendenc\ to o\er- cat. Here at home I can regulate his diet, but next \ear lie'll be lca\ing for college. What can I do about this? .Iiisnri : Ha\e him join a fraternitN — an\' time after rlu' tirst week. I! Physical Culture Reducing the Public Tlic Kit! was a gentleman of parts. lie was the type that came C. O. D. knocked dovv^n and was a set up every other Saturday night at the B. (). cSc H. Athletic club. He looked like everything but a prize tighter which he sure wasn't, him always being on the receiving end of everything but the heavy side of the cash and the decision. Most brethren of the embattled profession would have had recourse to the bottle. Not the Kid. His was a case — and I soKed it. It was while 1 was easing the pains and pockets of ailing burghers out in Xcw Rochelle with the Aztec System — now there was an athletic appliance that worked wonders. I even hooked the chief of poh'ce and two part time detectives before some one discovered that the system was oidy a device to make the doorbell and telephone ring just as the house- holder slipped into his bath. It was there I heard Illinois was the Sucker state so I crammed a few hoofcnan- nies into a bag and beat it. The Kid was m\ first customer. I had just finished hanging a faded and framed 1902 Utah fishing license when he and his manager came in. There was more difference between that fullhouse and measerly duce than tli<- unkissed Delta Zeta and an\' two Z. T. A's. The little guy, 1 see he's the Kid, slouches over and interrogates if I'm the doctor. Now I've been tiaveling this coLintrv for a long time and I got my education from a couple of Phi Mu's. This runt asks me if I'm the doctor. Me, who can convince anybody into a case of acute heart disease or indigestion almost as easy as keeping a certain sorority girl out after hours. And I can relieve them of it quicker thaji DR. PHIL ROX, R. S. V. P. hanging a frat pin at the Kap|i.i Delt house. Only time I ever failed was with a T. P. A. who accused — well, she made it so hot for me I had to beat it and leave behind four second hand Deke pins — found in a pawn shop — hung on a Pify, a Kappa, a Chiomega, and one of Hanle\'s waitresses. "Dr.," stutters the little sawed off and splintered two by four (the Kid had been a heavyweight before they battered him down and now he had to hire a heavy thumbed butcher as manager so he'd be able to weigh enough to enter the gnat weight division). "Dr.," he sighs again, looking as mournful as a Delta Gamma dating a Sigfisig who don't feel the urge, "what's good for headache, spots be- lore the eyes — " "I know, 1 know," I interrupts solenudy. "It is indebitatus non as- READ THIS before consultin)« YOUR FIZZICIAN sumpsit, one of the more deadly forms of the fatal anecdote poisoning. \ ou probably got it sucking cokes through a public straw. I almost got hooked tliat way once myself." So I pulls out a handful of theiniometers and sticks one under his tongue. I let it stay there for about a half hour in order to keep up the professional appearance. Be- sides, he'd be sure to get fidgety and run up the heat a tlegree. "Uni-er-ah," I declares after awhile, rubbing my jaw anil looking at the 08.0 he'd run \ip ;nid adding five oji account of him prob.ably ha\ ing |iut a piece of ice in his mouth just to fool me. "But-t-t-t, Dr. — " says he I dropped the finis part of an El Snipo into my pocket and got generally bothered before I saw he wasn't ac- cusing me. "There ain't no butts, man," sa\s I, "but you got here just in time for the secret treatment I've never known to work — fail to work, I mean." I yells for the stenographer \\\ hired for appearances (her appear- ances, I mean) and started dictating a lot of dangling participles which she loops onto a notebook in short- hand. Then I asks the Kid to undre.ss, and noticing that him and the stenographer are getting embar- rassed, I realized they weren't college students so took him into the operat- ing room and gave him ether. "Flither you take my new, amaz- ing bodv bin'lding course which can build up your Tri Delt resistance, give you biceps as big as your arm, and make you as tireless as a Dean's sp\ or you'll develop the last stages of acidosis, bow legs, falling hair, unemployment, and matrimony, not (Continued on Payc 31 J yV/rSIKKN Telling your Children about Sex hv Prof. Al knalc The problfin of tcUiiif; \our kiiis about ,sc\ lias become a serious one. The poor mother is torn between two alterna- tives, that of coming right out with the truth about the stork, or beating around the bush and stalling them off for seven years. Kither method is good. It's just sex of one or half a dozen of the other. How would you like to be a mother of thirteen children aiul ha\e them sit at your feet with the query, "Mother, what about it? Let's have the dope." Put yourself in the mother's place with those ex- pectant children waiting for an answer. What would you say? This problem is as old as Solomon and even exists in the animal kingdom. What a dilemma the mother stork is thrown into when her offspring asks, "Mother, where did I come from?" — and you know very well that it must em- barrass her to say, "Why, my child, the stork brought you." So for the good of future degenerates let us adopt a code of ethics that will leave no one in doubt as to your ideas. When your child is two years old, pin a Delta Zeta pledge button on it (I say "it," because at this age the child is obviously unacquainted with sex). Then at 3 every morning shout "sex" at it. In this manner it will grow up and always associate Delta Zeta and sex. This is a start, though the child will still have vague ideas (especially about Delta Zetas). When the brat is three, take it for a stroll in the garden. Show it two lilies, pull off all the petals and hand it a patter like this, "These, my child, represent the sexes, male sex (pointing to one), female sex (pointing to the other) and insects (flicking off a stray lady-bug). Permitting the use of a simile, we are lilies and you are a pansy." (At this moment pluck a pansy and exhibit). The pansy really has nothing to do with sex, as most pansies are sex less. How- ever, a slug or two thrown in will help it remember. As the child reaches the age of four, take it for a walk in the moonlight and let it look at the heavenly bodies. (Note: This is not a pun on the Pi Phis). Don't show it the Big Dipper as one woman did to her child. The little Can this tender urchin face life? brat squinted at the constellation and chirped, "The Big Dipper hell, that doesn't look like the guy that baptized me." In this way he was thrown off the subject of sex and in later years became a Sig Ep. As the child becomes accustomed to the forms of the stars, take it to Hollywood and sign it up for life. Then it won't need to know about sex. Then give the kid a break, and don't mention sex until it comes to you with that puzzled look in its eyes and says, "Mother, where in hell ?" (Editor's note to the Typesetter: What's the idea of letting out the theme song in that last sentence? Now 1 ha\e to do it all over again). "Mother, where in hell ? ' This marks the crisis, and the child must be told in just so many words. With pencil and paper in hand sit down and give them an example like this. "If a starving frog is sitting in the middle of a ri\er with food on one bank and his wife on the other, where will he jump? " You take ad- \aiitage of the child's knowledge of psychology and believe that he realizes that hunger is a stronger motive than sex. If the child answers in this wi.se, "He'll hop over to the old lady," your problem is complete and the child already knows enough. If it hesitates and says "to the food," then is the time to punish it for being greedy and thinking of nothing but food. However, if the child answers nothing at all, your problem is also over. The child will be a moron and nothing can stop it. Physical Culture A new College Uprising /;.v Claire Ciessler The world is trembling uniler the sway of students. Whenever, you open a paper the headlines jump out towards you, shrieking that you men of institutions want what they want. Ill Hrazil, Peru, Spain, Montenegro, and other World Romers the stu- Little Elmer o>ie-armiiii< it to his eii^ht a'chick. "U'e have )iut I still have dilf'icult\ about jmlging at what part of the kiss one should shut her eyes. Know your man, and the rest is easy. "I am sure that if you give a decent amount of time to tlie cause \ou will get satisfactory results for your efifort. .•\nd by the way girls, the article I read is in the November issue of Mr. MacCadam's magazine." Plivsicdl (J II It lire 13 Tim Swain after giving his last shirt for the Senior Presidency. Here aiL' tlufc more little Kappa Delta orphans who have no home. The>' \\"ould appreciate a nice warm ii^ennel with fairly good food. For further particulars as to pedigree call the Kappa Delta annex. Prof. IVaiiey explaining that an oyster is not al- ways what its cracked up to be. ancient history. It is called the Pied Piper of Hamlin. The Pied Piper is to be seen to the extreme iiylu. rile rats are lined up on the Broadwalk awaiting the starting signal for the trip to the Embarras River, south of Tolono. 14 The SIKKN Burn hard MacCadam's PERSON AL COLUMN Will tin- mail who insists upon ni\' letmninji his pin please come to see me at once? 1 am still at the annex, Freddie. Also I want to see Jimmy Fry next week at three o'clock. Address Kay Cox, Altatce house. If there is anyone interested in teaching people the cor- rect (Emily Post) method of eating peas "por media de" a knife when attending fraternity banquets (tilings that ne\er happen), see Arnie Reisner, Alfakiro. All women interested in offering cake and cookies and home-stolen sandwiches to men, kiiuih' address Betty Setchell, Kappa house. Hear! Hear! For the good of mankind in general (or in private) I will demonstrate at any time you say the good work just exactly how to develop the bust. All ladies (cut that stuff) call Dick Horrall at the Sigmafisigma house. Engineeriii)^ Feats of the Future The adjoining artists conception gives the latest idea of a new bridge crossing the bigger and better Honeyard (about 2020 A. D.) connnecting Champaign and Urbana. Science tells us that this swirling torrent was once a daint\ brook tinkling through the pastures of a country college. This is now all changed, the college was moved to Taylor- ville to make room for this marvelous creation of man. They say it was built to relieve the depression. It did. .Ml the students quit school to work on it; a year after they were all married and happily engaged in raising kids to work on the bridge. Colleges went out of style and now we are a much healthier race. Filling a man's place in the world. S The art of love! Magic sentence as it may seem, it is possible of attainment through ni\ own instruction book which will be sent free of charge. No references needed. Call Lee Kruggel, Sigpi. How to make good in three parts dining your stay at the University is the thing more young women of today nwA to battle the cruel world, becau,se there are more ways tlian one to get the old "M-R-S" degree. For information call, Danny Sullivan at the Sigpi house. » ». * * If anyone wants to know how to go right up and meet pcDplc without that inward feeling of, "Gee, am I doing right imder the circumstances," just step to the phone and call Dotty O'Connor at the T. P. A. house. She'll tell \ou. (What?) "Six. Bill Kilbourn will please call 7-1086 and ask for me in regard to his Spanisfi assignments hereafter. Ethel Nelson, Z. T. A. « » * » Learn how to make a complete logical analysis of the critical status of yom' men in three simple lessons. Ask me; I know. Address Jean Morns at the Sigmakappa residence hall. -:S. * * -» P. v.. majors, barken! If \()u want to become popular with the men in spite of the fact you are doomed in yom" Phvsicul (j lilt lire 15 verv exacting coiirsc of studies, simply arrange to meet me an\' time between the hours of when and how often. Alary Thoma, A. D. Pi. * •* «:- -» What could be more desirable than perfect physique of tlie upper lip? Ah, ha! No one has ever thought of that, have they? Well, just get in touch with me some of these days and I'll show you what a difference it makes in the end. Phil McDowell, at the Sigpi house. » * * « How to develop the habit of keeping your well-groomed mustache out of the foam of the beer is something every mini Indian wants to know. Well, call Butch Otis at the Alfasig house for more particulars, -s «. » » I will guarantee my lessons with a money-back surety! There's a proposition that none will fail to note. In case \ou do fail to notice this grand opportunity to learn, ohmi- god, I forgot what! Well, let it go; I just want someone ( (Continued on Page 16) .CA:?i'i^YMN'^'a»^--^t'*^'i')>'-HM^^ "Thanks to Prof. Stanford I have become a man, all because of strength I gained in P. E. 13." ttO w to Become a Man "For ten years I worked in an office. I was a weak, sickly, puny, chap, lacking even a veneer of muscle. I had possession of most of my vital orfjans but they were in bad shape. None of the girls had any respect for me. "One day the janitor called my at- tention to vour COPPER.PLATED MUSCLE BUILDER." Inside of Two Weeks my chest was full of pure air — in fact I was bubbling over with vim and vitality. My shoulders became massive and square. My formerly lusterless eyes flashed with the wild craving for exercise of a regular he man. The girls who had formerly despised me, now- chased me. In fact, I'm being hunted for bigamy. This Is No Idle Tale "Any man can do what I did with the aid of vour COPPER-PLATED MUSCLE BUILDER." Signed, J.A.CK ADAMS, Editor of the Weekly Illini. For further particulars write to MUSCLINI Rome, Italy, Box 439 I \m 4 'YOU MAYketby What Will Your Hiisband Think? wlien he and vour four children find you out? DON'T— you realize that lOOO's of people are suffering from Bright's disease, diabetes, gout, rheu- inatisni, nervous disorders, and anemia due to innocent but protracted mistakes? Write today to the B. I. Moretsky Com- pany, dealers in Early American literature, Ghampaitfn, 111., for cook book and free samples. LEARN HOW TO MAKE GIRLS jail for you! My book on SECRETS OF PSYCHOLOGY is yours for a 2c stamp SNIGLEWOTZ & CO. ( .\l,( I I. IS, INDIANA, I . s. A. T/w SIREN ( (^ijiitiiiiicil fiiiiii I'rii/c 15) to I.-. ill Die some tiiiR-. I/inda I'l't/^t-rald at tile I'ili hinisc. « » » « Jack Adams, \()u .scroLingf ! You louse! You worse ilian low creature ol human perplexities! I want you to know my last name is in no way connected with your great- uncle's sweetheart's lather, the right and left magician •nURSTON. (Signed) Fran, Alfafce. Learn how to become a Cora Campus inernight. For tidl (OH-oh) particulars call Polly Bauer at the B. P. A. house. I will challenge joe Ferr\' today, tomorrow or any other tune to a boxing matcli. Why? Simply because I took heed of a friend's tip about a month ago. I learned things 1 knew never existed in the boxing world, and now I am teaching them to the world absolutely free of charge be- cause you ought to sing something simple. Bob Nelson, Phisigmakappa. Call me any time. I'm never "out." 1 want to know if there is a good, reli.ible pawnshop (outside of the Lambdakialfa house) in the Twin Cities. All information must be directed to me. Gladys Smetana, the Princess, Alfagam. Learn the latest dance steps in my own private studio located on the second floor of wdnat. I teach 'em and when 1 teach em, they stay teached I Call for references and see I if 1 gi\e 'em to you. Betty Walker. A. C). Pi boarding club. There is really something new in this world and it is up to me to show mankind what it is. ( \o, Nora, it is not a boy. ) 1 ha\e worked so hard during the past four year.* Iiere at this man's institution that I have become crestfallen and weary, and yet I have found something" ne\\". I think I am marvelous, and to show the world I mean it I want -Margaret Hendry o\er there at the Pi Lambda Sigma house to call me up at once so that I may impart to her the joy- ous news of how to graduate by '39 (February, at that!) Call the Chi Phi house and just ask for Harry Wallace. Down the lonely road one co-ed was walking, hei shadow making weird figures on the path. Moonlight re- vealed an exalted expression on her lovely innocent face. She tripped — yes, tripped — along, .sometimes stumbling, as though she were groping blindly onward to some hidden goal, aware of, and yet unresponsive to the gloom and loneliness of her surroimdings. Where was she going. Why was she doing this? Why, stupid, .she was only walking a mile for .a Camel I ■ — Oklnli'miii .1 - engaged in pro- viding bigger and better orphans. After a long and suc- cessful career in this field I have written a fearless unexpurgated account of my confinement. Six volumes in a plain wrapper are vours for $3.98. I' h r e e volumes, r e- boundingly rebound i n red leather, and bound to please, $6.4N. The Riverside Press (.AKKKN ( ITV, KANSAS in;rr. -^ri\ nil: i{i\ Ki{.sn)K i'kkss, Dtpt y,i\ (•allien, ( ily, Kansas I'lcase send nie a topy of .VDiir fearlfss ex|)<(s.p of real siiniiity life, written after J "in- own experiences. I will ytay the postman $ Nam I' Address State r/u SIKF.N But If // /las to (^oiiie Out — collect it and send it with 6c postage to our Tolono fac- tories. By return mail you will receive a new style, non- slip, anti-skid feather duster. MacFarland Duster Co. Ashtabula, Arkansas p. s. when worn out as a duster, it makes an excellent bird nest. Cocktail INSURANCE! ^Oii take a chance We take a chance and who the hell doesn't? For further particulars GALL Dr. Hans Bahr Armory Avenue (^hampaij^ii, 111. Classified Advertisements (Also see pajje 28) WAXILU— A \'ouii}i KiRif^itK Man who wants Plenty of Dough. 5s25 profit a day. No particulars re- quired. All you must do is go around and sell all the fanners Beta Theta 1*1 pins. \"oii will be amazed how many farmers really want Beta pins. Write to I. M. Crazy for your sup- ply of free samples, 202 E. I^aniel. Champaign, Illinois. BUSINESS OF YOUR OWN — Found a chapter of Alpha Chi Rlu). You will be the most seclusi\e man in town. Catalogue free as well as a set of highly polished new frat pins. Write Harry Chinn for the low down. AGENTS— New Shirt Proposi- tion. No Capital or experience needed. Call at the Theta house at mlil-iiite for your first shirt. The ottejier you call, the better yoii will know- the gals. Any of them will be glad to give you the shirts off their backs, after while. Samples free. I. Haddem, at the Theta house. FREE BOOK— Sell Fire In- surance. Sigma Kappa's are read\ customers. They are ready to have another fire. Now is the time to make big money. Write Wet Blanket Fire Insurance Co., care Prehn's, Champaign, 111. BE INDEPENDENT — Sell Foot Ease. Wonderful opportuni- ties on mini campus. Large unde- \eiopeii field. Men dating Chi ( )mega's will be ready customers to this new wonder that relieves burn- iiig and bruised feet and crushed toes. Ima Crock, 811 Float Street, Boneyard, Illinois. ARE YOU MAKING PLENTY O F M O N E Y?— Now is \our chance. Utilize this wonderful op- portunity offered you. Save cigarette butts for Hanley's. Good pay. Work tliat is like fun. Get your friends to save them and your freshman to col- lect them from the streets. Fortune awaits you. See Bob Lester at Flanle\ 's. Three big politicians waiting for the polls to open. P/ivsical Culture 19 A Slight Misunderstanding You look rather broken up, what is wrong?" "I wrote home for money for a new study lamp." "Well, what of it?" "They sent nie a study lamp." S Butterscotch. . . . oleomargarine. S Mae West: "There's gold in them thar hells." S You just can't help seeing red ever\' time sou look at flu- average co-ed's lips. S And pretty soon now there will be a nice Christmas Sa\ings club for the poor little girl to join who didn't make Kappa Kappa Pajania. When a woman says no she means . . . perhaps . . . not just now . . . someday . . . maybe . . . wait a while . . . its a bother . . . possibly . . . eventually . . . NO. "Now, son, is it clear why I pimished you?" "Yeah, 'cause you are a heavyweight and I am only a fhwcight." "Say Pop, what is this law of gravity? " "Don't ask mc. kid, there are too man\ tool laws ii keep track of these days." S K\ mini Law Stiidc: "1 call upon heaxcji and cailh to witness the innocence of the defendant!" Judge (more than slightly deaf) : "Eh, do \ou want u> call these witnesses in?" "This medicine is very bitter, so you should take .some water afterwards to remove the taste." "And what shall T take to remove the water taste? " S The whales can't smell, says a prominent naturalist. He has probably never been near a dead one. S "Darling, all my sorrows will I share with \ou — " "But honey, I have no sorrows." "I mean after we get married." YOU too — can have pearls Ever since reading "Popular Avia- tion" as a little child I have wanted a rope of real marble sized pearls such as all the society buds wear. At first I ran errands for the blacksmith and washed elephants at the circus, but after savinj* $1.56 I spent it all on fly paper. It was very disheartening. In- numerable attempts followed with equally poor or worse results. Then iMy Sal\ ation Came! While thumbing through a stack of "Prairie Farmer" in the attic, I became aware of the screaming need of a good reliable mange cure. After an inten- sive research I discovered a superb compound which also added inches. It sold like pancakes. Soon I was able to wear ten ropes of pearls. Now I offer the same luxury to you! Distribute my compound in >our neighborhood. For every case of cure you sell I will give you a four foot strand of magnificent rocks. Send in today for samples. JOLIET PRISON Joliet, Illinois. 20 7//(SlKHN We Don't Sell All the Dresses on the Campus Bui \Vc Do Sell Some of the Smartest SPORTS WEAR SMART * COTTONS SILKS CHAMPA/GN^ILL. SPALDING'S Drug Store Prescriptions a Specialty B. E. SPAl'I.DING, Prop. 602 East Cireen Street Plione S263 We Deliver Evening Edition V\: "1 call my girl newspaper." Eyed: "How come?' I'i : "She's such a bold-faced t\pe!' -Pcnn Stdtf Froth. Red Agitator: Down with capitalism! Joe College: And punctuation too! — (julyatc Baiilc I 1 Dear Kd : Is it true that every kiss shoitens lite two niiruites? I'd: ^'es it'> true, and when should \()u ha\e died? — Culi/iitc luuilii. Ali Haba: Open Ses'me. Voice from within: Sez \ou\ — Amherst Lord JitJ- -S- Then there was the absent minded so|ihomore wlio day dreamed he was an elephant and woke up to find himself throwing: his trunk out the window. -H/itt. io, ii. i.>, i:; JACK OAKIi: riic nillidun;; lacUctt-er to the RIALTQ A^ THEATRE ^^ February S- 11-12 "ILLICIT" With BARBARA STANWYCK February 12-14 JOE. E. BROWN In "Going Wild" Startinii February 15 'The Doorway to Hell" WiDi LEWIS AY RES SOON Winnie Lighter in "Sit Tight" "The Royal Family <>f Broadway" "The Blue .\ngel" 'Viennese Nights," "Fighting Caravans'' Revision of the Orthodox As Listi'iiiK- would ha\c it: — "'*l ii^il (If.-ith ill) us parr or that oliuoxious odor of "I \\ hull our licst Iru'iuls wdl not aiKisf us. " As Hubert Work would ha\ i' it: — "**Uiitil death do us part or until sou trump ni\ aic." As Heiir\ Mencken woidd ha\e it: — "**l,"ntil death do us part or the no\elt\' of the daiiiri thino; wears off." .As Miss Helen Kane's betrothed would have it: — "•""I ntil death do us part or your I'oop-oop-a-doop. " — (jorfiiel/ IVidoii'. I "Mamma, Jimiiu' never will ha\e an\ moie tun in life." "Now what makes you say that.'' " "Aw, he ijot run o\er with a truck." — Oliln Sun Din/. S Way b:ick in '14, L'ric, the Reil, looked out of the window, and decided that life was rotten. He went around the corner ,ind got a shot of whisky and soda. Then he went home and cut his throat wide open with a razor. Red blood gushed from the wound. He died. Yesterday, I looked out of the same window and saw the same sky that Uric did. I decided that life was rotten. I went around the corner and bought a coke. Then I went home and cut my throat w'ide open with a safety razor blade. Water gushed from the wound. I wrote home for some money. — Oklahoma Agt/iet'ator. He She S Dearest I love you and want you for my wife. Goodness! What would she do with me? — (InrncU Hiilou'. What They Want Rudy Valee — P'ifty thousand more women to sigh over him. Theodore Dreiser — Fifty tliousand miue women to cry over him. Floyd Gibbons — Fifty thousand more words per minute. Philadelphia Athletics — Fifty thousand more times to wui It. Notre Dame — Fifty thousand more miles to tra\el. Edgar Wallace — I-'ifty thousand more plots to unravel. Flo Zeigfield — Fifty thousand more beauties to glorify. S. S. Van Dine — Fifty thousand more readers to horrify. Texas Guinan — Fifty thousand more out-of-town buyers. Diogenes — ONI'" honest man in fifty thousand liars. — Ohio Sim Dial. S I'raternity house rules. No liquor allowed in rooms. Do not throw bottles out of windows. — SorlhncsUin Purple Parrot. I Physical Culture 25 < Chevrolet Uport Coupe pttutoaruplieii u/t llie I', Built to modern standards of appearance and performance Here is the finest performing car that Chevrolet has ever built — quick on the trigger, loaded >vith speed and power, easy to handle, down- right dependable and designed to cover more miles at less expense than any car you can buy ! And it is as smart an inexpensive auto- mobile as you have ever seen— long, low, racy lines; graceful body contours; antl the very latest type of fittings and ap])ointments. Furthermore, the new Chevrolet is a thor- oughly modem automobile. It delivers the smooth, swift performance of a big 50- horsepower six-cylinder motor. Its Fisher bodies have the smartness, style and com- fort of fine, modern coachcraft. In no single feature that contributes to the satisfaction and pleasure of owning an automobile, is there any compromise with quality. A fast, smooth, fine-looking Six . . . up-to-the-minute in every way — as a modern car should be! You'll be doing yourself and your pocketbook a favor if you see and drive the new Chevrolet before you buy any low-priced automobile. Chevrolet prices range /ruin $173 to $650 J. o. b. Flint, Mich., Special Equipment Extra Chevrolet Motor Company, Detroit. Michigan. Division of General Motors Corporation XEW CHEVROLET SIX The Grtiut American Value 26 T/n-SUU.^ UNIVERSITY SHOE REBUILDERS CLEAN— MODERN Look at your shoes K\crN<)nc else docs Brhi^ them to ns to have them rebuilt Prehn Bld^. 7(t2 South (loodwin Avenue L'rbana, 111. Exams Are Over So Let's Celebrate By Eating Ice Cream To Be Sure It's CHAMPAIGN ICE CREAM 4175 Telephone 4176 Our Two Minute Drama 1 iinc —Any time you ;ui' ifaily. Place — A spiritualist's office. Characters — Spiritualist. Man (we lujpe m)). ('.iirtiiin Rises Man — "I want to see you about m\ brotlier. " Spiritualist — "Yes." M — "He just (lied about eight hours ago .iiul I want to know if he's on his way to hea\en." — S — "I can let you know for $20." M — "O.K. Here's the twenty." (She goes into a trance). S — "Ah! I can see your brother traveling speeihlx along the load to hea\en. He is only one hiindieil, . . . eight\ , . . . se\ cnti, miles from heaven. $20 more please.' M — "Well, here you are." S — "Oh, he is only fift\', fortv, thirt\-five, twent\-five miles from heaven, yes only fifteen miles from heaven. Twenty dollars more please." M — "Here, how far is he now? " S — "Only ten miles, seven, four. two. a half, three hun- dred, one hundred fifty. Oh, onl\' three feet awa.\. Forty dollars more. " •M — "How far did you say he was from hea\en.'' S — "Only three feet!" M — "Well if he can't jump three feet he can go plumb to hell !" — Rensselcar Pup. "Won't you gi\e me one more chance? " pleaded the \outh. "\o, " she answered firmly. "It's no use. E\er\' time you promise faithfully to do better, aiii! every time \ov. fail. It's your besetting sin. This is the end. " "But this time I will tio better. I'll ne\er fail you again." "That's >our same old storw No. Once and for all, I'll never go around with a fellow wlio gets so drunk that he can't carry me home." — (Ujnicll Jl i/hjiv. : S A sharp pain in his abdominal regions was sufficient cause to send Pat to a doctor who promptly diagnosed the case as appendicitis. The word meant little to the good son of Erin, so the physician agreed to put the appendix on the window sill. The local organ-grinder's monkey was on the sill when Pat came out of the ether. Said he: "Stop grin- ning, me boy, \our mother's a very sick man! " — Rciissilacr Pup. S Ha\c \ou heard of the (shall we say wise) college stu- dent, who ordered fried rabbit for dinner and then told the waiter there was a hare in his gra\\'. — () khili'iiiiii .-I i/i/iiVfitor. I Fhysicul Culture 27 Don't Miss — EXCELLENT FOOD * CHAMPAIGN. ILL. * REFRESHING DRINKS Make a habit of stoppinil after the show or dunee Give your date a treat EAST GREEN SOUTH NEII. The Girl's Club for the Advancement of Physical Education is open to all those who have passed Freshman Hygiene with a ^rade of D or better. The pledge ribbon is a demountable tooth brush and the pin is a miniature thermometer. "The situation is not alarming," said Doc. Beard when told of the scarcity of eligible students. WHITE LINE LAUNDRY HOME OF KAPTAIN KLEAN '///< SIKh:N THIS CONCERNS YOU OlM'ORri M'l^ — OI'I'OR- Tl .\^^^' — Coinc CoUcct tiat tires .111(1 crocks and wet blankets. Delta Kappa Mpsilon will picdfje them aiui pay \()U well. l?rin^ them to the 1 )ke house between the houis ot 7 and '). SUCCEED W IT 11 ^() I R OWN I'RODICTS. Make Them ^ ouiM'lt. boinuilas. Io\e-secrets, elements ol anatomv'. Ivxpert emo- tional advice. Call Sadie ( rottrocks tor appointment or write to her in care of the Sig Pi's. WONDERFUL OPPORTUNI- TIES — For a Dancing Instructor. Kappa Kappa Gamma has a tlock of new pledges. Enough sed : call 7-3432 and .start work. WHY WAIT LONCER— Op- portunity is here. Sell Claniptite Snoring eliminators to students in Prof. Rollands lectures. Plenty of snoozers, plenty of snorers, plenty of business. For a free sample call Halmer Mel/, llOi South Lincoln street, out of the high rent district. CANDY— Is the {greatest L\m- Husiness for the little fellow. Ask "Runt" Russell, notorious Pi Phi. Why, with sugar at 7c — cand\ sell- ing at 40c look at the profits. ( lo o\er to your gal's house and stir up a batch. For the fine points about this new idea of a cheap evening ask the Tkes who know. HAVE YOU A HUSINESS PROFESSION?— Why not be a bootlegger? Enormous profits. Large demand. Call at Kappa Sig house, successors to Ciamma Eta (^lamma, for free illustrated booklet on, "How to Make Your Own Hooze. " YOU CAN HAVE a Business Profession of Your Own. Earn big income service fees. DATELESS? UNPOPULAR? Do you yearn to be a social menace? Then unroll in our normal ten- muuite course in "Mow to ( iet \ Our Pin Lifted!" ^'ou will receixe pro- fessional ad\ice, and our competent staff of 4l) will be at voui' disposal immediately. Apply Sigma-Nu-How Co., Racketeers. OET RICH QUICK!— Apply for job on Dance Supervision Com- mittee at once, 15. I. Cj. Graft, chair- man. SEE CHAMBANA FIRST— Be sure to tell your friends about it! A first-rate tour of the .scenic marvels of Twin Cities will soon be within \our grasp. No change in price. Phone South-Campus Commission. Dial 0000. ARE YOU A BACHELOR OR OLD MAID?— Are you cold? Rest- less? Does your soul crave com- panionship? Then you need one of Dr. Quack's patented hot-water bottles, guaranteed to be equally wet the whole year round. Enclose $.50. Money refunded if you can get it. Where used books are bought with THE GREATEST SAVING . . . AND BRING MOST TO THOSE WHO SELL THEM. IT'S AN UNDISPUTABLE FACT. INVESTIGATE. The Union Book Exchange Illinois Union Huildinji Physical Culture 29 Season's Hits Bootlegger's lament — "The Moon Is Low." — South Dakota Jf'ct llni. S Tailor (to college Fresh buying a new suit) : "And do you want the shoulders padded, sir? F'rosh: "Naw! Pad the pants! That's where I need it most!" — Nevada Desert ff'o/f. The traditional Italian, Irishman, and Arabian were playing at poker. The son of Erin held three queens; the son of Italy held three kings; and the son of Moses held three aces. After several rounds of heavy betting the play came to a showdown. "And what have you got?" asked the Irishman turning to the Italian. When the latter displayed three kings, Pat floored him with a chair and turned to the Eskimo and said, "what have YOU got?" The tailor looked at the bleeding form on the floor, he looked at his own hand, and he said in a woe-be- goiie voice, "oy, soch a haddache." — Wesleyfi/i ff asp. She was the kind of woman who could be relied upon to say the wrong thing wherever she was. At a recent dinner she turned to her neighbor and said, "Doctor can you tell me who that terrible looking man is over there?" "I can," replied the medical man. "That's my brother." There was an awkward pause while the woman racked her brain for something to say. The Doctor was enjoying her discomfiture. "Oh I beg your pardon," she stammered, blushing. "How silly of me not to have seen the resemblance." — Lehigh Burr. S He: "How come you always carry that satchel with you ? Ha: "I'm in the secret service now. I'm a bottlegger!" — Penn. State Froth. ILLINOIS ra a""' What! You've never indulged ^^j\ : your Epicurean t.istes in fra- (i^^ : grant smoke wreaths of rum- flavored tobacco? Then scam- per out to any of the stores below for a Rumidor*. Whether you select the College Bowl model in orange and blue or the Varsity model in orange and blue with an Illinois Illini on the cover — you're in for a new-found smoking pleasure. Rumidors sell from ?! to $150. *Rumidor is a scientific, patented container for cigarettes, tobacco and cigars, using 11- year-old Medford rum for a preservative. The rum keeps the tobacco moist and mellow and imparts a delightful aroma. Poor tobaccos taste good. Good tobaccos taste better. Beware of imitations. Look for name on cover. VARSITY MODEL complete with rum refill and divider $5 and $5 COLLICI;. IIOWX rum rctill intlujcd RUMIDOR CAN BE BOUGHT AT THE FOLLOWING STORES: Spalding's Drug Store, United Cigar Store, Illini Orvig Co., Knmerer Kros., Keusink Orug^ Wailing 1 Primilivr! Cnmprllmg! The great Uuke Kllinpluu brings the jungle lo you on the most imporliint \ ictor Record ever nial A.>- IIOI-l>i•"-TA^co Hi\ illnl Hui .\..l 2.3021— "I MI««S A MTTI.E »1I>»S"- MiKinni'ys Collon I'lckcr lO-ineb Records, 75e. ICTOR Re CORDS 30 The SIREN AN OLD HORSE CAR C>an't keep pace with an aeroplane, any more than ordinary clothes can keep pace on the (Campus. Kuhn's style, quality and \ aliie -will keep you in step with the times. JOS. KUHN & CO. Downtown "The Store for Illinois Men" Champaign i Just an intimate view of one corner of the TKE trophy room. The scholarship award can almost be seen in the lower left hand corner. Not the Cough in the Car Load It ain't the cough that'll cany you oft — it's the coft'in they carry \o\i oft ill. — // tishiiu/l'jn U iih'ii sily Dli i/e. S Teacher: ''Johnny, use the word 'Soviet' in a sentence. " Johnny: "Father didn't c o ni e home on time, so ve et without him. " — N. Y. University illtil/ey. Worl : "I was married on Christ- mas day! " Tworl: "Oh, "Vule tied, eh?" — Ohio Sill! Diiil. The sad case of the parting ot a pair of .socks. One incurred the dis- favor of the other by adopting a "Holier than thou attitude." — Cornell Widoic. Error I thought that you were like a tree — So tall and strong — to helter me; i5ut no\i- 1 know \ou're like a tree — So wooden ! — fVashinyton Coin inns. "Want a drink?" "No, thanks. I just paid two dollars for my dinner." — Ohio Green Goat. Ale.x (over phone) : And please mail my ring back to me." Alice: "You'd better come and get it; glass breaks so easily in the mail!" — Tennessee iM niiiii'uiii/>. S Many of our young engineers are spending a lot of time tinkering with the Misses in their motors. — Rensselaer Pup. S The French Xegro national an- them: "Marseillaise in de col' col' ground." — Amherst Lord Jeff. I |H Hj 1 BRESEE BROS. CLEANERS Cleaiimg«.Pressing..Tailoring Phone 4444 1 ^1 H Physical Chiltiirc 31 (ontiiiiu'd from I'aye 7 ) to mention general devilitation aiul susceptibility to pyrorhea, Theta's, athlete's foot, and Rudy Vallee." 1 slipped him a couple of boxes of |iiils. Take two after every meal, I told him. Don't eat any meat or vegetables and stay away from fruits. r^o all the exercises in F'mily Post's "Advanced Exercises for A. T. O's and Other Advice to Young Husbands," particularly the one on tempores and mores. After telling him he should have an operation done immediately, I in- formed him that otherwise there was nothing serious enough to keep him from his regular work. Well sir, that snail and the big boob went out of the door in a daze. As I said, there ain't nothing a doctor can't do and I'm one of the masterminds of my profession. Why I've transformed women with truck chasses and dirty necks into bodies by Fisher. The bodies by Fisher were most always hearses, but then the principal is the same. Re- sults, that's me. As I was saying, after some days had passed, I was sitting with my feet on the desk dictating to my steno and speculating on some new prob- lems of anatomy (it has always been my favorite subject) when in come the shrimp. He looks too spirited so I parts my hair and gets other- wise ready to leave suddenly. "Boy," say the Kid and his man agcr in one breath — maybe it was two but I was holding mine and couldn't tell exactly, — "that treatment of yours is a wow." "Wow," thinks I, wonderin},' which ear would be best to land on. \ on see customers don't generally come back. "Did \ou take it all and stick tii directions?" I queries. "Who, me?" says the Kid. "Naw, 1 gave it to the guy I was going to fight and he fainted when I made my first pass." Upon which I grins broadly and finishes dictating my acceptance of a job at the University Health Service station. WAISTCOATS OF REAL QUALITY Before you buy a dress or dinner waistcoat, make it a point to look for the green label of Catoir Vesting on the strap. If it is not there, you may be certain that you are not getting the best in either fabric or workmanship. CatoiR tProtioimced "KAT^WAH"! VESTINGS FACINGS ■ LININGS JLo u will find Planters Salted Peanuts every- where. Everybody likes them. Big, crisp, whole, salted peanuts that make your appetite chuc- kle with delight. In glassine bags with Mr. Peanut on them. 5c every- where. Look for "The Nickel Lunch." Planters Nut & Chocoi-ate Co. U.S.A. and Caaada Planters Salted Peanuts 32 The SIREN It's a BLURB FEST Just a couple of the girls — but they're dis- cussing a matter of rare importance. Small talk is out — the weather and the business depression have gone the way of all good bromides, and there is something new under the sun. It is BLURBS, the game everybody is talking about. It s not only entertaining, but it pays — twenty-four cash prizes each month — and it's good keen fun. It's a new way to spend an evening and not spend anything else. Any number can play, and the possibilities are end- less. So simple that even your cousin Gus from Germany, who can't speak a word of English, can play it. All you need is a copy of the latest issue of College Humor Magazine, a pair of scissors and an open mind. THE GAME YOU PLAY ON WORDS /?u/es and key picture every month in College Humor A G A Z I N PICTURES ARE INDISPENSIBLE SUCCESSFUL PUBLICATION Etchiti,oIr> Pho1-0''Enoi'istributors SINCE 1882 F O I! ^n r II E BELL SYSTEM The SIREN E' Editorial Staff Allan Niess Associate Editor Doc Blackeslee Assistant Editor Joyce Newbill Woman's Editor Lars Halvorsen Make-Up Editor Harvey Kring Assistant Editor Marion Irrmann Exchange Editor Wayne Morgan Assistant Editor Lou Ruskin „ Art Editor Catherine Haynie Assistant Editor Harold Bowen Assistant Art Editor Charles Jacobson, Sidney Turner, H. E. Nelson, Dorothy Pelzer, Eleanor Dollins, Henry Avery, O. Becker, Martha Righter, Douglas Frost, Clifford McCartin, Ed Malley, Hal Jewell, David [ones, Helen Clayton, Helen Howarth, Bill Amsler, Jane Fauntz, Roy Smith, Dorothy Melvin, Jnanita Ramcy. Business Staff M. E. Gosnell Idvertising Mffr. John McCormick Circiilaliun Mi/r. Ray Ball Ass't Adv. Mgr. William Zoeller Collection Mgr. Francis MacTaggert Copy Mgr. Betty Lou Hughes Office Mgr. Virginia Morton, Charlotte Schminke. Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Office at Urbana. Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Address all com- munications. Illinois rni,.n Buildins. Champaign, Illinois. CopMi.^ht. 19,!1, bv The Siren. Exclusive reprint rights granted to GHlgcHUDlOT magazine. GIRLS! NOTICE! Exacth' one month, more oi' Ics.s. fiom this month theie will appear a Ciirl's Xumber of the Siren. And because in tlie spriiifj thoiijihts turn lightly to things of lo\e, all the sirens on the campus are urged to write down their emotions, lines, e.xperiences, and whatnot in shorthand and bring them down to the Siren. .And, girls, after securing a particularly good article, item, or joke for the (jirl's Number of the Siren please write it out in longhand. There are two system.s of shorthand in use and members of the Siren staff know ()nl\ the third. The fellows, not knowing a great deal about girls, cannot be expected to do more than their best — but it will be welcome. The (jirl nunibei- will portrax' the campus ladies at their best — or worst, (iirls, it all depends on you and your contribs. Parley-vous? Contrib box in Siren office and next to Scout box in I lu Mall. I Exchange Number EDITORIAL The days of the Floyd Gibbonses and the Walter Winchells are at hand, Heaven help \is, ami like the little child that led the wild beasts across the Red Sea (that's wrong, but I never got farther than Genesis page twelve) we are being led in literary circles, at least circles. Like good old Wally Wincliell, we have peeked through the keyholes and hid under beds of other college comics, metaphorically speaking of course. And after gleaning the choicest bits (here we diverge from Walter) of art and humor from our fellow wits, are taking this opportunity, before someone knocks, to sliout it to the world like Gibbons over W. G. N., perhaps a bit subdiied but reverberating just the same. The world seems to be full of pseudo-critics who, in the nationalistic spirit of the French Revolu- tion, attempt to supress a free flow of garblings and nonsensical gibber that keep the tendons of our laughing muscles limber. It is to this type of individual that this exchange number is dedicated. For those poor souls into whose lives a laugh has never oozed, those pitiful creatures who are want to dub any enterprise other than their own as "farce or fruitless," we offer up a prayer; and a drink (for ourselves). For those gay youngsters of all ages who splash in our pool of humor and satire with us, and enjoy the water, whether it be a bit too hot or a bit too salty, we offer up another prayer. And if you are any sort of worshipper at the shrine of horse sense you'll see that our first prayer will never reach Heaven, not by a Hell of a sight! Let the Siren be a Pied Piper and lead you in a roving over our fair land to see the milk and honey that flows over the mountains in other schools. If you see a joke that to you seems as old as the Egyptians, remember dear reader that even we hvnnans are prone to dig up old mummies just to see what they look like in new surroundings. If you see a new joke, laugh, and laugh like Hell. An "A" was never given to him who failed to laugh at a professor's joke, so learn now tlie value of response. Scientific Treatise on Women Note: IIuiiKii ivithout sex appeal, Seotchman. travelliny salesmen, absent-minded professors, or puns ivould be like a Iravellitig salesman uithoiit a night's lodt/ini/. A thoroiit/h delving into all of these ivoiild be interesting, but as your time is limited, ice have eliosen the siibjee/s about ivhieh the least is knoirn so as to further your attempt at a liberal ediieation. The Purple Parrot is responsible for this valuable trea- tise. Start here. As a whole, women are divided into two parts, hot and cold, like the faucets on a bathtub. It is our opinion that the cold women should be subdivided into intelligent and Luiintelligent. It is in reference to these non-productive women that a by-gone bard sang: "As I gaze over the unexpansive wastes, a feeling of deep .sorrow inundates me in rolling swells. ' We now attack the women who are productive of many possibilities: the receptive type. These we split into two, willing and unwilling. Upon the unwilling women we frown in displeasure on account of their niggardliness and lack of feeling, and, sighing over their waste, dismiss them — reluctanth'. The willing women next engage our feelings. Once the women are both warm and willing, it becomes a matter of splitting hairs to subdivide them. But that we shall do. We split, therefore, warm, willing women into beautifid and non-beautiful. By beauty we do not meaji well-created or retouched features, necessarily, but rather "sex appeal," which is beauty in the sensual rather than the aesthetic .sense. Instead of well-created features we prefer well-created legs encased in full-fashioned hose. But we digress. Our thoughts, in the words of the preacher, lay on liigher and better things. The beautiful women are now divided again into intelligent and unintelligent. This is mere quibbling because the wiser the woman, the less intelligent she seems. However, it is our personal desires that make us lay down this classification. This, then, is our ultimate objective. Left now witli the warm. wiUing. beautiful, and intelligent woiu,-ui. there we stav. 7//rSIKI{N FABLE "My dear," said the professor with a nervous little laugh, "I've forgotten something." His wife looked up from across tlie breakfast table. "Really, H. H. (1 gue.ss he was only an instructor, at that). What was it?" He leaned over and tweaked her nose. "Rascal," he said, "but seri- ously, you really must help me. I'xc a feeling it was important and if I don't find it stories will go around again about my absent-mindedness, .\ou know." "Brush your teeth?" "Yes." "Have you still your cold manner and aloofness that keeps your stu- dents from completely understanding you ? " "Certainly." "And your mania for researcli which dulls your personality and power to inspire their intellects?" "Of course." "What about your 'bookishness,' your inability to grasp the practical problems of life?" "Safe and sound." "What about — " The ritualistic questioning con- tinued for hours without success. The / "Sa>', from here on I'm going to drive!" — Harvard Lampoon. furrow was still in the professorial brow at dinner. Dessert came and his fog-bound mind groped \et hope- lessly. "Eat your fruit, H. H., it's good for your digestion." - ] "Digestion — digestion!", — and the •" austere old fellow screamed with glee. He rolled on the floor and laughed and laughed, and laughed. "'Lizabeth!" he shrieked. "'Liza- beth, listen : I gave these cascara pills to the dear boys, and took their exams myself," and weakly he held his sides. — Purple Parrot. % \ "^^ X Dearie, Dearie me, Bertie, I am afraid I didn't save any room lor this. —Pitlshunih Pill Panllur. Artist's model: "And I says to my husband, 'Ten dollars! Do you want me to go around NAKED?' " — Muhiijan Garyoylc. Exchaniie N louhcr An Old Wrinkle Bv Charlotte Brown Although a sophomore in college, I am a gentleman b\ nature. But even the slimiest segment of mangled manhootl would have done what I did last New Year's Eve. Somehow I had become separated from my part)'. I re- member a blare of horns — a storm of confetti — a rush of human bodies — the sensation of being plucked from the earth and thrown upward and outward — and resting at last under a lamp post in an area of sidewalk spiked with broken glass. The region in which 1 was so painfully situated must have been a quiet business section of tiic city, for althougii no mob of nicrr\niakers swirled through the street, there were rows of half-lighted stores and office buildings on all sides of me. I felt warped and woozy, also injured, due to maintain- ing a sitting posture so long on the broken glass. As I creakily pulled myself up from the sidewalk by means of the lamp post, I saw — A girl in the gutter! P"uming with fury at the (lends in fleshy form who would allow their holiday hilarity to over- come them to the extent of casting harmless women and sophomores into gutters and on sidewalks, I pulled the girl out of the street. She was quite gorgeous, but wore no sorority pin or purse, so I didn't know who or what she was. I couldn't think of a suitable place to deposit her with- out ruining her reputation (being a gentleman, I assumed that it was a good one), so I decided to take her with me back to the frat house. Bravely bearing the helpless woman in my arms, I stag- geringly staulked a taxi. Next morning we reached the house. No one was in except the grind-pledge and the house mother, who was tactfully asleep. Nobly refraining from even stealing a kiss from the girl's most delectable lips, I carried her into the room of the house mother, care- fully laid her down by the prostrate bulk of that estimable lady, and tenderly covered her up with one of my own blankets. I was disappointed the next morning when my girl did not appear at breakfast with the house mother. Of course she'd want to know what had happened to her, and who had saved her, where he was, and how could she ever thank him? "Fun is fun," our house mother was saying. Ah, now she was going to mention the girl ; all such communications to us she prefaced in such a manner. "But whoever brought the shop window dummy into my room last night will have to take it back to its owner tomorrow." — 5. C. IVampus. 'Just after the bottle, Mother." —I'riin. Sld/i- I'rol/i. And as the fighters danced around the ring, we knew that a new tango would soon take the world b\ storm. —Penn. -Puiuh Boiil." 'My Gawd, fellers! It's all a mistake! We've dug up an old Fraternity brother." —Pillshiuijli I'ill I'anl/iii: HELL! She lay there before nic, young, virginal, inviting. Her beautiful body was revealed to my eager eyes in all its undefiled purity, quivering and tender, supple and yielding. My repressions of the last few days of expectancy surged up and overpow- ered me — I could resist her cliarms no longer. Frenziedly I grasped her, unresisting my advances, and pressed my hungry lips against her soft, white flesh. Delirium, madness of ecstasy, oblicion. . . . An hour later, exhausted and sati- ated, I gazed feebly on the bare skeleton in front of me. (lod, that was a fine roast chicken ! — A iiihirst Lord Ji'j}. First engineer: WJiat's a tail spin ? Second engineer: It's the last wori in .iviation. — Kansas Sour Oiil. 77; r SI REN REMINISCENCES .Many years after graduating from iiis alma mater a professor managed to obtain a faculty position there. I?oth as a new member of the faculty and as an alumnus he visited his old room in the fraternity hou.se. "Same old double-decker," he mut- tered, "same old bathroom, same old pictures, same old carpets." Then he opened the door of an- other room and found there a young student and a beautiful co-ed. "Er — meet my sister, professor," said the student. "Same old lies," muttered the pro- fessor again, backing out of the room. — Northtiestern Purple Parrot. -S- He (phoning): Do you have a date tonight, Grace? She ( a bit frigidly) : Yes, I have. He: Oh! Congratulations! — Black and Blue Jay. Professor {looking at his watch): As we have a few minutes, I should like to have someone ask a question that is bothering him. Stude: What time is it, please? — Carneffie Pufiprt. Autobiography of an old maid: "I never played indoor sports." — Prnn. Bundi Boivl. Texas Pete's Last Stand. Exchange Number She: "Some day I'm going to speak my mind and then when I do—" He (disgustedly): "Yeah, and when you do, I'll sure be enjoying the great silence!" — Ohio Stri/r Sim DiiiL S Then there was the Scotchman who wrote "Just a Little Closer, Dear," and dedicated it to his wife. — Cornell Widow. (icorc/e: "^cs. sir if I ever t/tt nuirrieil it iiill Ix strictly n coiii- j-diiionatv iiiiirriiii/f." Mnry: ■■ll'liat! No kiddiny?" — // iishiui/tnn ('.oltimn. "I want to trade this roadster for a coupe." "What's the matter with it?" "Nothing, only I quit chewing to- bacco." — Wdhash Caveninn. First Castaway: "I wonder what day of the week this is? " Second: "It must be Thursday; here comes that pest selling Saturday Evcniru/ Prists again. " — Amherst — Lord Jeff- A professor with a bald pate and a profuse mustache illustrates our definition of misdirected energy. — Kansas Sour On I. but I thought >' of 'Gold Days in Venice.' " —Drc.Xi/ Drcxcrd. S ('.(iiinilxil: That last iiirl ive iixikcil icas too hot to cut. Ciiiin. dhirf: Another one of those iliiiiin eo-eds. — The Pitt Panther. S "Can you beat that, " cried the archaeologist as he gazed at the big dinosaur egg. — (Cornell IVidoiv. A Exchange Numhet 15 Drunk: Hie - make it for two! — Wesleyan Wasp. Soph: Jf^hat's your ikiiiic. Phbe? Frosli: Quitz Jones, sir. Soph: If hcrc'/i you yet /hat luiiiie Quitz? Frosh: Ifheti I ivas born my father ranie in and sau •tr. lie sail! to mother, "jMary, let's rail it Quitz! " — (iarne//ie I'eeh. Puppet. What time is it, dear? "Pull — ovah time." — Curniyir Treli. Pupprl. "Who'll take 'the life of Amos and Andy' for one dollar?" — lioslon Beaiipol. 7/;rSlKKN VILLAIN .Mi-tt j(A' the Tattoo Man — he has designs on every co-ed around here. — \(jrtlniistirn Pur file Parrot. S She: ")(iu say I hey arrrslctl Ihtit iliiiK rr for no rciisoii ill nil.'" lie: ".\o, for no t/nuzr at nil." —M. I. •/'. /'oo Doo. S "1 \ (■ ^ot a \eii for you." "How much is tliat in American mone\ ?" — Ohio Sun Dinl. Haven't seen you since the Wall street clean-up. — ll'iUiani I'urftic Caii' ANALOGY Englishman draws forth a soxereign and announces : "Behold the face of the king that made my grandfather a lord." American draws forth a nickel and says: "Pipe the mug of the redskin that made my grandfather an angel." —A'. U. Purflc Pnrrot. S ■ / fond mother, tchosc diuu/litcr had not lonic home tit the iisnnl time. (jreiv norrted at her (thseme. so she telegraphed five of her dnuf/htei's best friends, askiiu/ ulieri Mary icns. Shortly after her daiu/hter's return, the ansivers to her telee/rnms arrived. Eaeh one read, "Don't ivory, Mary is stayini/ uith me tonight." — Harvard Lampoon. S The haughty sc-nior girl sniffed disdainfully as the tin\ frcsliman cut in. ".And just why did you have to cut in wlicn 1 was dancing?" she in- quired nastilv. The freshman hung his lieaii witli shame. "I'm sorry, ma'am, ' he said, "but I'm working nn wa\ tlirough college and your partnei was waving a five dollar liill at me." — Purple Pnrrot. "Oil, \es, tile girls up at the .Alpha Xi Delta house are very religious, luci\ time 1 ualk tlirough the door 1 hear them niurnuir, ".Ah, men." — Ohio State Sun Dial. "1 don't like him — he's so damned loud!" — Californui Pelii an. Exchange N nmhcr 17 Hail, Petronius! Hail, hell, them's ashes from Vesuvius! — ./. and M. Colleijc fiatlalton. Flo: "Aren't you going to wear this corsage Ralph sent you?" Clo: "I'm going to wear nothing else but." Flo: "Good Heavens! What'Il you pin it to ?" — Tennessee Muijiiiiinp. S My friend had returned suddenly from a stay in the country. I asked him why he had returned so unex- pectedly. He said that it was the food that finally made him leave. "The farmer with whom I was staying had an old pig, which he had for many years. One day the old pig died, and as a result we ate pork for days. He also owned an old cow which he had for an equally long time. The cow died, so we had beef for weeks. Then one day his grancW mother died. So I left." — Penn. Punch Boiil. S TEE TIME In Washington they tell the story ot a golfing clergyman who had been badly beaten on the links by a parish- ioner thirty years his senior and had returned to the club-house rather dis- gruntled. "Cheer up, " his opponent said. "Remember, you win at the finish. You'll probably be burying me some day." "Even then," said the preacher, "it will be your hole." — Drexcl Drexerd. S First chorus girl: "How do yo\i feel, dearie?" Second bloke: "Oh, I can't kick. — Cdlifornui 11 (imp us. He: Something seems to be wrong with this engine it — She: Don't be foolish ; wait till we get off the main road. — loua State Green (Jander. "Do you drink?" — "Investigation or invitation?" — Boston Bcanpol. r/ie SIREN If you fellows don't mind I'm going to pick this bone right up in my hands. —Bucknell BdU- Hop. 'I think this is going to be a beautiful friendship." — Stanford Cha[>arral. Fodder: "Political science, my son, are those things that say 'Vote for Al Smith.' " — U'ashinijlon V. Dirtie Exc/ia}if. m." IVhen the professor came he noted the changed sentence, took his eraser and ruhhed out the letter L. — Southern (Jalifornia II anifius. TOWN CRIER'S NIGHTMARE!! Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Town Crier's Night- mare is just around the corner. Remember Eddy Kawal and Horse May in their nightgowns and baby caps, and Phil Kammann in a characteristic role advertising grape- nuts? Russel Montford Horner and Jane Landee knocked 'em over in Dutch. Chi Omega's pride and joy. Cot Wein- berg, turned Hawaiian and gave the Puritans a new out- look on life. All in all the dance was a yowling success. Even our old pal "B" Stephens stepped out in costume for once in her life and the proletariant element gave \ent to new emotions. Costumes, scintillating melodies, slick floor, slick dates, dim lanterns, the odor of Listerine (somebody always ad- vertises Halitosis) and there you have it — Town Crier's! And in the same breath let us mention Fine Arts Ball — the gaudy, be-costumed, motley crew of merry-makers (not a pun). Save your shekels for both afifairs and remember — costumes or no gettee in as the Chinese are prone to say it. The boy in pedestrian clothes who stands still at the door attempting to imitate a bell boy going up and down in an elevator does not enter; he shall not pass! So beware — a ticket and a costume are your only prerequisites. Get in your rentals early, it's an old Spanish Costume! Reserve Your Costume Early For TOWN CRIER'S NIGHTMARE FINE ARTS BALL March 27th 39 Main lOHHSTON'i; Abpbrtshop J SKKIA .JOHNSTON ••:4 Phone 5358 Exchange Nitfnber 21 — Royal Gnhonii. Boy: "I have had a very trying week-end." Girl: "Yeah? How many times did you try?" — ('.ainiijie Tech. Puppet. "I don't mind washing the dishes foi- you," wailed the henpecked husband. "I don't object to sweep- ing, dusting, or mopping the Hoois, but I ain't gonna run no ribbons through my nightgowns just to tool the babv. — Ifhir/niiiil. S "Why does the Statue oi Liberty have such small lights on it?" "Ah dunno, unless it's de less light de more liberty." — Drexel Drcxerd. Judge: "What are your grounds tor divorce? " Bride : "He snores." Judge: "How long have you been married ?" Hride: "Two weeks." Judge: "(jraiited ; he shouldn't snore." —Ncu' York Medley. s "Baby, you're all there." "Well, you ought to know." — loiL'a Green Gander. She: "Are you a socialist?" He: "No, I hardly go anywhere." — Penn. State Froth. S "When I don't want a young man's attentions and he asks me where I live, I tell him that I'm just visiting here." "Ha ha! Excellent; but where do you really live?" "I'm just visiting here." — Harvard Lampion. 22 The SIREN Tennis and Golf Goods Here you will find a wide \ ariety of fine tennis and ^rolf goods Golf sets complete — 4 clubs and bag $7.50 up — sinjile clubs $1.50 to $5.00— balls 3 for $1.00 Tennis rackets $3.00 to $15.00 Frames (unstrun^) $5.00, $6.00, $7.50 Restruno to your order $2.50 to $9.00 Wc do the restriHging for the Varsity Team, why not for yon? THE CO-OP On the Square On the Square It Slays to Advertise "Ah, Mr. Fishback, I beheve?" you say brifihtly. "Yeh, what can I do for you, young man?" "Why, I'm looking for something in a one-button suit, and I thought maybe you would be starving to sell it to me." "Certainly, certainly," and his manner brightens. "We have just the thing you're looking for. Now this model here is even later — it has no buttons at all." It is always best to buy the first suit he shows you, as this will help put him in a good humor. After buying an overcoat and a pair of shoes, you add, as if by afterthought: "By the way, Mr. Fishback, we have you down for a half-page ad in our college paper. Now all you have to do is sign right here on the dotted line or, if you prefer, we can let you have it in the undotted. Of course, the dotted line is the latest thing this fall, but many of our customers arc still using the undotted, and we want you to be satisfied. What, me high-pressure you? Why, Mr. Fishback!" — Vanderhilt Mtisqiinail'ir. Farmer: "He thi s the Woman's Exchange?" Woman : "Yes." Farmer : ••Re ve tin- Woman?" Woman : "Yes." Farmer : •Well. then. 1 think I'll keep Maggie." — ,-1 lahama R am m er-Jam in er y- 'You blubbering idiot!" — Minnesota Ski-V-Mah. -S- Colleglan : What's wrong with these eggs? Waitress: Don't ask me, I only laid the table. — Carnegie Tech. Piipl'el. S He (disgustedly): I think I've got a flat tire! She: Oh! gimme a chance, we're not a block from home yet. — 1'. M- I. Sniper. Exchange Number 23 Fer Gozzake, Profeshnals. ~M. I. T. Voo Don. Jesse Block offers the one about the Jewish doctor who was born in Scotland. He joined a country club and on the first day he was told that if he had his name inked on the golf ball it woidd be returned if lost and found. "So ull right," he said, "put down on mine ball Ginz- burg, plizz." The man in the golf supply shop wrote his name on it. "Hmmmm," he hmmmm'd, "dot's dendy, would you also plizz put don M. D. efter mine name? I'm a ductor!" "Be glad to," said the fellow as he added M. D. to Mr. G.'s tag. As Mr. Ginzburg inspected the finished product, he cooed: "Would i,ou mind dooing me one murr favor. plizz?" "Of course," said the man, "now what? " "Put don hours 1(1 to 3." — Boiihvardici . S ■ Teacher: "Who is your favorite author?" Stude: "My Dad." Teacher: "What did he write?" Stude: "Checks." — Grinnel Mnltrnser. ILLINOIS A . What! You've never indulged ^_X\ • your Epicurean tastes in fra- J ^ 'j : grant smoke wteaths of rum- "^fv I flavored tobacco? Then scam- N>r^ • P^'' <"" t° ^ny of 'h^ stores below for a Rumidor*. Whether you select the College Bowl model in orange and blue or the Varsity model in orange and blue with an Illinois lUini on the cover — you're in for a new-found smoking pleasure. Rumidors sell from $i to $150. *Rumidor is a scientific, patented container for cigarettes, tobacco and cigars, using 11- year-old Medford rum for a preservative. The rum keeps the tobacco moist and mellow and imparts a delightful aroma. Poor tobaccos taste good. Good tobaccos taste better. Beware of imitations. Look for name on cover. VARSITY MODEL complete with rum refill and divider $5 and $5 COLLEGE BO'WL rum refill included $15 RUMIDOR CAN BE BOUGHT AT THE FOLLOWING STORES: Spalding's Drug Store, United Cigar Store, Illini Drim Co., Kamerer Bros., Ketisink Druss VIRGINIA Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, March 22, 23, 24 "MILLIE See this soul stirring portrayal of loose footed beauty — and know what Millie knows with the glamorous HELEN TWELVETREES ROB'T AMES LILYAN TASHMAN ORPHEUM Starting Saturday, March 21 THE KING OF COMEDY in the supreme laugh sensation of the century CHARLIE CHAPLIN in "CITY LIGHTS" A ConiecK Romance in Pantomime! 24 The SIREN Spring Suits Expertly Tailored to Fit The Student The Latest Spring Colors and Patterns Are In $25.00— Made to Order— $25.00 MUELLER'S 617 South Wright Street, Champaign THAT'S NEWS oriuli II uloii- TERBAGCER HABIT We dropped in on the general store over in Pompanoosic t'other day to bum a match so's to light our roomy's last Murad. Successful, we paused for a second to look around the store before leaving and happened to see and overhear a couple of the old natives sitting in the corner by the cracker barrel philosophizing. "Naw, yer never could get me to smoke one a them gol derned cig- arettes, Si.", drawled one of them, biting off a mammoth chaw of red mule plug and grinding it between his yellow teeth with evident satis- faction. His old crony turned, skillfully conducted the remnants of fully half a package of honest scrap through his front teeth to the cuspidor fully ten feet away ( \ia the air route), pulled out his red bandana, wiped oflf his mouth, and replied, "Ner me nether, Hi. It's a nasty habit!" — Dartmouth Jnck-o'-Lantern. Exchange Number 25 ^C ^j- Did you hear that they arrested Rudy Vallee the other day for trying to get in the men's room ? — Hamilton U. Roynl Gaboon. S Stude: If hat arc your terms for Undents f Landlady: Scalaivat/s, deadbeats. bums. — Kansas Sour Oivl. s Fond mother (to her crying off- spring) : Well, does my little sugar plum want a drink? 1930 baby: Don't mind if I do. What have you got? — Penn. Punch Boivl. Johnny -On - The - Spot. — H'isconsin Uclopus. Guest: "Fancy seeing you here!" —Piiin. Stale I'rolh. Sandy MacTaverish, in one of his weak moments, consented to a vaca- tion for himself and wife at a pop- ular seashore resort. The most eco- nomical sport at that particular beach was swimming in the sea, and Sand\ and the Mrs. took advantage of this sport and swam everyday. On the last day of their vacation Mrs. Mac- Taverish was carried away by the surf and drowned. Efforts to recover the body proved fruitless and Sandy returned home after leaving instruc- tions with the authorities to notify him when the body was found. Several days later he received a tele- gram to the effect that the body of his wife had been found in shallow water with a strange serpent en- twined about it, for which the local museum was offering $500 cash and would he please arrange for the dis- posal of the body. Sandy replied: "Send cash and reset bait." — Texas Battalion. Abie. Abie, moof auay from de cash re' he did these things. We do. He was mad at iu-r. — Drcxrl Drcxirii. s "Missed again," said the farmer as his shotgun exploded at the retreating figure. "Oh, well, 1 won't be bothered any more. She was my last daughter." — Ohio State Sun Dial. Classics a la Mode "It's a real musical education to have a radio in the home," said Mrs. Frisbie. "Even little Lucy, who is only three years old, recognizes most of the classics as soon as she hears them. Come here, Lucy darling, and name a few nvimbers for mother." (Obliging little Lucy abandoned her building blocks and crossed the room to the piano, where she stood alert for the test. Mrs. Frisbie played a few bars of Mendelssohn's 'Spring Song." "Pepsogrunt Tooth Paste — it's on Everybody's Tongue," announced Lucy promptly. "Correct," said Mrs. Frisbie. "Now darling, see if you recognize this one?" She ran over the opening strains of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." "Barnstorni's Linoleum," responded Lucy without bat- ting an eye. "Put it under foot — it will cut down the over- head." Mrs. Frisbie nodded proudly to their visitor and launched into Wagner's "Lohengrin." Little Lucy puckered her fair brow and hesitated a moment, but soon she had it. "Harlow's Ham — It's Toasted — and How!" she proclaimed triumphantly. "That was a hard one," explained Mrs. Frisbie. "Har- low's just started broadcasting last week and we haven't had much of a chance to get familiar with their signature." She turned to her daughter. "Here's an easy one, darling," she promised, starting to play Balfe's "Then You'll Remem- ber Me." "Wiesenheimer's Clothes for ]VIen — You'll Have a Fit!" Lucy interrupted after a few short bars. "You see, she really is familiar with all the better music," concluded Mrs. Frisbie. "Radio is a wonderful teacher. I often tell Mr. Frisbie that the old composers little know the debt they owe to the sponsors of radio pro- grams for popularizing their music. — Boston Bciin Pot. NICE KITTY! 'Twos the tnornin// nftrr the ni//ht before: The cat came home at the hour of four: The innocent look in her eyes had ivent. But in its place was a look of content. — Tennessee i\Iii//uunip^ The government official of the country district who had charge of the census which deals with farm products, had instructed the old farmer to collect his stock of cver\ de- scription and have them branded. "I s'pose that's all right," sighed the farmer dolefully, "but, honest, mister, I believe I'm going to have a terrible time with them bees." — Carner/ie Teeh. Puppet. Excliiiniic N Htnhcr 27 The Chevrolet Sport Coupe photographed on the Notre Dame Campua with Sacred Hear t Church in the background Modern fine-ear qnality in an inexpensive automobile It is wise, in these times, to con- sider what you pet above the bare needs of transportation, when you buy a low-priced car. ^'ith its fine- looking new Six, Chevrolet has stepped smartly away from standards based on utility alone. Here in this smooth, capable, new automobile are — actually — scores of fine-cur features . . . features which bring a new measure of quality, style and comfort to the lowest price field. . . . Just slip behind the wheel once, and drive the smart new Chevro- let Six. W eave this car in and out of tangled traffic — eat up a straightaway at flashing top speed — let loose a thrust of power and take a stubborn hill! Do these things and you will know the new Chevrolet for the excellent automobile it is. . . .- Here, from every sland- ]>oint, is a low-price*! car you'll have every reason to be proud of — speedy, sturdy, smart and dependable — the Great American Value. Chevrolet prices range from $475 to $650, f.o. b. Flint, Mich., Special Equipment Extra Chevrolet Motor Company, Detroit, Michigan NEW CHEVROLET SIX The Great Ameriean Vahie 28 7//('SIHKN Dinty\s RUSTIC INN Hi:iX)\\ IIIH SURFACE HUT Oi\ VWV: I.EVIiL Also JJ e Serve Unexcelled Fond Non Squirtini* Grape Fruit Our Substitute for Same / — Lariit' Water Soaked Sponge 1 — Tablespoon Quinine Leave Your Windshields at Home Hdtir.s From Now Till Then H Main Street Tel. 5430 Hits Cominij to the RIALTO M. %. THEATRE V^ Sunday, iMondav, Tuesday March 22. 23, 24 JACK OAKIE In Ring Lardner's "JUNE iMOON" Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday March 25-26-27-28 ZANE GREY'S "Fighting Cara\ ans" with Gary Cooper and 5,000 Others Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday March 29-30- 31 April 1 RUTH CHATTERTON "Unfaithful" With Paul laikas MOTHER BOOZE fen little pledges, driiikintj too iiiiult nine, One did a fade-out: I hen there were nine. Sine little pledges, met a girl n/uncd kale. One pledge neeked her: Then there were eight. Eif/ht little pledges uho ivould never go to henven: One stiirted /nixing 'em: I hi II there irere seven. Seven little pledges, the girl of one sriid "nix." lie didn't believe her: rh( n there ni re six. Six Utile pledges, more dead than alive, One went to sleep, and: Then there icere five. Five Utile pledges — / took a drink again Looked a lillle eloser. — J nd darned if there iieren'l lenf — Oornell If'idoiv. S Billy Prepschool : "That girl going there is reared well." Freddie Freshman: "She don't look so bad from the front, either." — Tennessee Mugniinip. ./ones: I lave yon seen the mounted poliee in Ohieagof Broun: ) e Hods, are the gangsters stuffing them afte I hey shoot llum.' — Lehigh Burr. S He was always sleeping in class. There he sat, in the front row, with his eyes closed and his mouth open, from one end of the hour to the other. At last the professor could stand it no longer. One day, when the discussion had been particularly intricate, he stopped in the middle of his lecture and said : "Gentlemen, we have been working on the hardest problems in this course and there sits the man who needs it most, asleep!" The student gcnth' opened one eye and whispered ,sn that all might hear, "I wish to God I were." — Hansard Lampoon. Prof. : Write a short theme containing some reference to the Deity, the nobility, and to modesty. Frosh : "My God," said the Countess, "take your hand off my knee." — Kansas Sour Qui. Little Willie: Mom, you said the bab\ had your eyes .uid daddy's nose, didn't you? Mom : Yes, darling. Willie: Well, you'd better keep yer eye on 'im. He's ' lit graudpop's teeth now. — (jurnegie Teeh. Puppet. Exchange Number 29 'Charmed, I'm sure.' HOD WORK FOR MIKE Hello, hello, all you little boys and girls out there. To- night, I ncle 15ill is going to tell you an ancient Norwegian folk tale. Well, little boys and girls: It seems that once upon a time, there was a traveling salesman. Well, one time, he was stopping at a farm house. The farmer had a beautiful, golden-haired, blue-eyed, innocent daughter. That night the daughter went out walking in the apple-orchard with the salesman. There she saw a nice rosy-red apple up on the top of a tree, and said, "OO — you great big strong nian- nums, will oo get little me that apple?" "Sure kid," said the salesman. He shinnied up for the apple, but on his way down he tore his pants. Well, the farmer's daughter saw it, and she said, "Oo — you tore your pantsies; I'm so sorry." So the salesman went up to her room, ami then she sewed his pants up. Well, when it was done, he didn't as much as thank her, and she asked sweetly, "What do you say?" The salesman came back snappily, "I hope I can do the same for you some day." Now, kiddies, we will leave fairyland and come back to earth. Be sure to drink milk and tune in on this station tomorrow at this time. — Exchange. EVEN HIS OLD MAN wouldn't TELL him/ "txcy take your. breath away" trif a LIFE (^p SAVER SOUTHERN TEA ROOM d^ Spring Formals 30 77/rSIRKN i>oH eM> Pho1^0''Enoi'tW>in^s Colo nplati? J^ G.RGRIIBB&CO ' ENGRAVEftS .^ '. CHAMPAIGN, ^' 32 The SIREN College Humor s All- Americans Basketball and Hockey IN THE MAY ISSUE Collese Humor was the First publication to attempt a selection of honor teams in inter- collegiate basketball and hockey. And today College Humor's selections of All-American stars in these two sports are recognized as official and authentic. No other national magazine has undertaken to scrutinize the hundreds of college quintets in search of the five or ten most accomplished and consistently brilliant per- formers ... or has endeavored a study of the different hockey conferences. The counsel of college coaches the country over has been employed by Les Gage, Sports Editor, to assure an impartial and complete treatment of the subject. The May issue of College Humor, on sale the first of April, will announce the Ail-American cage team and hockey sextet for 1931 in conjunction with two com- prehensive stories by Les Gage. College Humor MAGAZINE Can You? Yoii can't pick a lock with a pickle, You can't cure the sick with a sickle, Pluck figs with a figment. Drive pigs with a piginent. Nor make your watch tick with a tickler. You can't slacken your gait with a gaiter, You can't get a crate from a crater. Catch moles with a molar, Bake rolls with a roller. Hut you can get a wait from a waiter. — (Jnrnet/ie Tech. Put>l>et. S Frantic student: MigoJ! A lioctor, quick! My ap- pencii.x just broke! Medical department clerk (coolly): Have you an ap- pointment? — Stanford CJiapardl. s OVERNIGHT BAG And there is the young lady who was invited to go to "Grand Hotel." She met her boy friend at the appointed hour with her over-night suitcase. — Yale Record. S .7 book of versts underneath a bough, ,4 jiii/ of U'ine. a loaf of bread, and thou . . . .4 nd lie' II be in the hoose-gow Soon enoii-. — Grinnell iMalteaser. S Son: "Dad, what is 'tact?'" Dad : "Tact, my boy, is the art of convincing a man he is a liar without actualh telling him so." —M. I. r. 1 00 Doo. S Of eourse you have heard the discarded hathiug suit song, ".lantzen If ith Tears in My Sides. " — Ohio State Sun Dial. Royal Gaboon. Jvun your kearl ouiv UXol muck! cMol wilk No longer is early chapel exclusively for track men. No wasting time with old-fashioned socks— you're in these hHoleproof Autogai-ts in a second, and what's more, they're up to stay. They'll wash, too— and come back as snug-fitting as they went to the laundry. The Autogart feature will outwear the sock, and that's saying a lot because the sock's a Holeproof. And what is more, you get the smart new hHoleproof designs, too! HOLEPROOF the Self- Supporting Socks ^ustpuLL em up ana tiieij siaij up 55^,„dT° dt your Haberdasher's LUCKIES are always kind to your throat ' • %«^ 6€ Everyone knows that sunshine mellows- that's why the ''TOASTING" process includes the use of the Ultra Violet Rays. LUCKY STRIKE- the finest cigarette you ever smoked, made of the finest tobaccos — the Cream of the Crop -THEN- "rrS TOASTED /' Everyone knows that heat purifies and so " TOASTING " - that extra , secret process— removes harmful irritants that cause throat irritation and coughing. It's toasted" of da cf your : Keep :. m the deeply; take plenty of exercisein themellow sunshine, and have a periodic check-up on the health of your body. -^ ^r^ Your Throat Protection — against irritotion — against cough I M MV^ mm. KVMtuvn jkc I he most valuable social asset since the invention of The Check from Home . . . cigarettes that really SATISFY! GREATER MILDNESS .^ . BETTER TASTE t9M Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. Girl Number Portraits of Distinction o The kind your self respect demands — Phone 2268 The Hoyt Studio KENNETH EUGENE FREDERICK 623 East Green Street Mr. Frederick personally makes each sitting The SIREN Let's Play Golf Whether you want a complete set, a single club, a new bag, or balls — you'll find these stores equipped with everythini* to make vour golf. Special low priced sets $7.00 Golj Cltihs by Mac Gregor THI jar^i^zv^ E STUiJF.NTS- SUPPLY STORES OP 610 East Daniel 202 Soiiih Mathews FAMOUS LAST WORDS! "Kiss me, honey." "We're not going to make tliis ttirn." "I'anion me lady, but haven't I met you some phice?" "1 had this gin tested m\self." "Let's mix these." "Any gas in the tank?" "Bottoms \ip!" "(^h, so you're the ice-man!" — IVeslcymi IFasp. "A liell of a landing you made." "I niaiie? — I thought you were flying the lousy crate!" —M. I. T. I'oo Don. S Father: I don't see how you fellows keep up drinking the way you do. Son: I'll tell you, Dad, it's a darn sight easier to keep it up than to keep it down. — (Cornell Ollapod. S Kappa: What's tlie matter, don't you love me any more? Phi Gam: Sure I do, I'm onh' resting. — Kansas Sour On/. S Phi Psi : I didn't sleep a wink last nite. Bro: Why not? Phi Psi : The shade was up. Bro.: Well, why didn't you pull it down? Phi Psi: I couldn't reach to the Theta house. — Kansas Sour Oivl. S "I see where they are conducting blindfold breakfast- food tests now." "Oh, grueling contests, eh." — Notre Dame Juggler. S "Just think, children," said the missionary, "in Africa there are six million square miles where little boys and girls have no Sunday school. Now, what should we all strive to save our money for?" "To go to Africa!" cried a chorus of cheery voices. — Texas Longhorn. S Just what is love? — probably a phonograph record. — Juggler. s Prof, (after lengthy lecture) : "Now, is there anything anyone would like to ask?" Voice from rear row: "What time is it?" — Texas Longhorn. S Mrs. Brown: "Our little Herby is at the top of his class this week. His father is going to take him to the zoo." Mrs. Jones: "Really? We're sending Willie to college." — Texas Longliorn. Girl Number Sometimes the cart should be put before the horse Here's a case where a warehouse was built around a conveyor, instead of the conveyor being squeezed into tlie warehouse . . .Western Electric Packages can be i /■ ■ ■ . >-> i «■ sivitched onto sid- wanted a new warehouse lor telephone e([uipuient. I'or the most eth- ings — by one cen- tral dispatcher cient handling of material, its own distribution engineers designed a system of conveyors even before architectural details of the building were worked out . . . This was done after careful estimate had been made of volume and kinds of material to be stored and handled . . .There are many other assignments that challenge re- sourcefulness and imagination in making telephones and equipment Speed needed! The emergency is met by the for the Bell System — purchasing its supplies — acting as its distributor, new warehouse Western Electric Manufacturers Purchasers V>istributors SINCE 1082 FOR C^Jg T ]] K U E I. I, SYSTEM The siren! PAUL O. RITCHER Editor-in-Chief H. B. McDERMOTT Business Manager Doc Blackeslee Assistant Editor Lars Halvorsen Make-Up Editor Marion Irrmann Exchange Editor Harold Brown irt Editor Charles Jacobson, Sidney Turner, H. E. Nelson, Dorothy Pelzer, Eleanor Dollins, Henry Avery, O. Becker, Martha Righter, Douglas Frost, Clifford McCartin, Ed Malley, Hal Jewell, David Jones, Helen Cla.vton, Helen Howarth, Bill Amsler, Jane Fauntz, Roy Smith, Dorothy Melvin, Juanita Ramey, Edith Heinzelmann, Glenn Allen, Lynn Pierce, Juliet Barnes. Business Staff M. E. Gosnell Advertising Mgr. John McCormick Circulation Mgr. Ray Ball Iss't Adv. Mgr. Francis MacTaggert Copy Mgr. William Zoeller Collection Mgr. Virginia Edes, Joe Peacock, Mary Putnam, John Klepinger Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Office at Urbana. Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Address all com- munications. Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Illinois. Copyright. 1931. by The Siren. Exclusive reprint rights granted to (pl]geHmnOt magazine. Co n t e n t s COVER Jane Fauntz Culled from (^ur Fan Mail 5 Woman Hunt, by a Co-ed 8 Campus Notables - 9 Coming Di.-itraction.s ; 18 Humor Most Annvherc Girl Number Culled from our fan mail Dear Sirex: I have just heard that the forth- coming number of The Siren is to be called a "Girl Number." What, again? If so, kindly tell me, I be- seech you, what have been the last six, the last dozen, yes, the last thirty-six issues of this publication? I must concede that there is some- thing commendable in this frank avowal of your true colors, belated and long since superfluous as it may be, yet I already shudder with an- ticipation as I mentally envisage oui' next Siren, with its gaudy cover somewhat resembling a Camel, a Milky Way, a Fisher Body, or a Jantzen Swim Suit advertisement, and its contents nauseatingly dedi- cated to the same old balderdash, and the same old stereotyped ultra- modern Co-ed, with her same old daring comebacks. Merciful Lord, spare us from this soon. I am generally known as a professional pessimist, but this time I think my drooping spirits are justi- fied ; and as an irresponsible and desultory contributor to your reek- ing columns of the past, I feel some- what at ease in craving your in- dulgence while I wearily attempt to make my complaints against your in- anities articulate. I should like to protest vigorous!)', before it is too late, concerning the injudicious policy of our Siren, by all odds the best humor publication on the campus, exxluding, of course, the regular columns of our cousin. The Daily Illini. We are at an im- passe. We must choose between two irreconcilables. Either the Siren must devote itself to the worthy and ardu- ous pursuits of pure wit and brilliant humor, or it must haul down its flag marked "Humorous" and follow a procedure which both candidly and completely follows a course marked only by that adulterated dribble of pseudo-humor and naughty indelica- cies which properly caters to the feminiiu- funny palate. (lenuine liumor and woman are antipodes. W^hj- is it that all the truly remark- able satirists and humorists from the time of Juvenal to Benchley, today, aie men? There are no female Vol- taires. Swift and Mark Twain never wore dresses. What is effeminate about Will Rogers? The fact is that true humor may often encompass \\oman as its object, but woman ne\er comprehends true humor un- less it has become stale and enervat- ing, when, admittedly, it has lost two of the most characteristic elements of itself, freshness and vigor. Humor easily understands woman, but woman rarely understands it in turn, except in the most incipient stages and in the more salaciously super- ficial ways. The risque joke which commands some degree of cultivation and the employment of finely balanced nuances and which, if not overworked, has a fairly high place in real humor, is above the meager appreciation of woman, because humorless woman must enjoy her dirty stories in the more obvious, vulgar furnishings. A humor magazine, then, which is really such, can never be expected to appeal to women. The Siren must either be a genuine humorous publica- tion, or it must be a gently innocu- ous stimulant for the boudior. What, Mr. Editor, will you designate for the future destination of The Siren? Have you the manhood and honesty to stalk genuine humor unswerving- l.\ ? Will you dare continue flaunt- ing our jaded sense of humor with the old familiar cartoons and heavy, witless repartee, centered about un- abashed and forward co-eds as a theme? In your mind, is the only thing humorous about women their liclpless predisposition to regard all acceptable males (of God's creatures, the most pitiable) proprietarily, as their fit game to be lured on by coarse blandishments and their in- tamous "it" appeal? Has it never occurred to you that the Co-ed, for all her brazenness, her silly tabus, and her paradoxical susceptibility to romance and the high chair may be funny and quite laughable at times, but that she is not humorous, any more than is a spavined horse, or a spy from the Dean's office ? Do such considerations never compel you to massage your bewildered pate with your finger nails? But enough of these charges for the time being. I have irrefutable and certain proof from my own ex- perience that my conclusions are correct. Not long ago I took a Theta into the White House for a little re- freshment after a three o'clock class we share together. While we were waiting for the onions to be sliced on the hamburgers, I tried to be gallant- ly entertaining. In my best concealed frivolous style I began. "Why," I asked politely, although my mischievous eyes twinkled con- tagiously, "is a Siberian Kangaroo like a Theta with athlete's foot?" "Why is a Siberian Kangaroo like a Theta Avith athlete's foot?" my fair companion repeated in vaudeville fashion. "Exactly," said I, and repeated "Why is a Siberian Kangaroo like a Theta with athlete's foot?" "Why is a . . . etc., murmured my friend, grabbing for her third ham- burger, while she pondered deeply. And finally, after several moments of wild guessing, she surrendered. "I'll bite." "Well," said I slyly," I reckon neither one of them has ever slept in Newman Hall." What was the reward for my subtle humor? Hearty, open laugh- ter? Appreciative glances? No. A mere puzzled titter, empty and un- convincing. "Silly," she said, "there's nothing to that story. Of course kangaroos (Conliiiurd on Pa//c 22) Betty Co-ed: Let me mother you. Carl Campus: O. K. baby and I'll paw you. There's One in Every ■House The gi'' "'lo — — thinks Rud\' Vallcc is just darl- ing! — calls home long distance every night. — is majoring in P. E. — always dates. — never dates. — is engaged to a fellow back home. — gets her laundry case back with food in it. — gets her laundry case back with laundry in it. PECCARIES The travelling salesman had made himself at home at the old farm house. One day the farmer asked him for a smoke and he replied, "You'll find my Picayunes in on the table." The farmer squinted his eyes, spat over the garden fence, and growled, "I don't mind yere stayin' here fer weeks, and I don't mind yere makin' love to my dattcr, but I'll be gol dinged if yere kin keep yere hawgs on my good table." And then there's tlie camel who walked a mile to an oasis for a date. S Prof. : "\Vh\ was Bismarck noted for his 'blood and iron' policy?" Alpha Phi: "He probably didn't have a safety razor." "Where's (Jrace's visitor? " "He's out in the kitchen will (irace putting icing on a cake. " ".Aha, an iceman. " The SIREN GIRLS MEN DATE In the interests of science 1 felt it ni\' (liit\' to learn ;dl 1 couM about the kind of gills men date, and for m\' information 1 went to Reggie Roxhunter, who was known far and \\ide tor his d.iting proclivities. Proud was the girl whom Reggie dated, and I felt that I could learn something valuable to all womanhood if I could prevail upon the great Reggie to tell me, in his own simple unaffected manner, just what it was men sought in a girl. "Reggie. " I said, "Just what kind of girls do men date?" 1 scorned beating around the bush, and as Reg- gie did also — ne\er having gained anything from a bush anyhow — he spoke these words of wisdom. "Men date girls who are tall, and also girls who are short. Men date girls who are fat, and also girls who are thin. Men date girls who are beautiful, and also girls who are not, Men date girls who are clever, and also girls who are dumb. Men date girls who do, and also girls who don't. All, in all, men date girls." With an airy wave of his Murad Reggie has gone in a cloud of smoke, and I was left alone to ponder on the unquestionable truth of what he had just told me. Truly Reggie Fox- hiuiter knew women — would that we all did. S "That's another big graft," said Herbert Hoover as the tree surgeon repaired the tree. J s •■ Frosh writing a history exam, "Queen Elizabeth was the virgin queen of England. As a queen she was a great success." S Theta: Some of our pledges this semester aren't making good. Kappa : We have some depression l)ledges, too. B S ■ W. C. T. L'.: "But the Chi- omegas aren't \ulgar." Y. M. C. A.: "Hell no, they've got it down to an art." Girl Number Ex-Boy Friend Anyway I'm better oft with her oft my mind I wasn't getting much done I always hanging around there and she didn't want me anyway I'm not so hard up I guess there arc- plenty of pebbles left on the beach \et let her go out with that guy if she wants to he isn't so hot and just wait till she finds out that I've left her flat I wonder if she had a good time she's just like them all, anything to get out and have a date no dis- crimination or anything I'm done with her and there's no fooling. She must think she's the only girl in the world well I guess the fish left in the pond are just as big as the ones that ha\e been caught even if she doesn't know it her trying to make a fool out of me anyway I'm a lot better off not having her to worry about all of the time I'll bet she felt tough when I didn't call like I always did I'll bet that made her think I wonder if she stayed home I'll bet she's sorry as hell I wonder what she's doing what she can see in that guy is what is beyond me I'm glad I'm all through with that mess no more women me she usta like me though and it would make me look like a heck of a sport if I left her flat like this like I was sore or something when all that is the matter is that I have a few brains and won't stand for all of her mess- ing around when she'd supposed to be going with me I'm better off any- way without her walking all over me I'm not any woman's slave she thinks that she can get away with anything well I'll show her a thing or two I'll fix her clock I'm through and I'm glad of it if she wants to be seen with people like that its her lookout I've got other irons in the fire and aiunvay I'm better off without her around all of the time now maybe I can get some work done what does she see in that guy I wonder. . . . INNOVATION He was another blind date — and that was nothing new to her. He had a car, which you will admit is something out of the ordinary. And then, too, he was both handsome and intelligent, which was an entirely new experience to her. He did not ask what course she was taking at college. He did not rai.se his eyebrows and say with innuendo: "So you're THE Sally Brown I've heard so much about." He did not ask her age. He did not tell her the latest gossip about her sorority sisters. He had no complimentary ticket to a dance. He did not dance the "Illini hop" — but took smooth, gliding steps in- stead. He insisted that she consume quan- tities ol fooil. He did not insist that she stay out ",'iftcr liouis." He (lid not neck on the sorority porch. He was from ANOTHER school! Complete Characterization: He's the kind of a guy who likes Amos 'n Andy. — Darlinouth J'mes well with Alpha Phi. They say that the girls put on an elegant house dance when they go to that much trouble. (jamma Phi Beta — We always did think those nasty cracks about the Gamma Phi hotel were made by people who were just a little jealous. Alpha Delta Pi — Tradition has it that there is always at least one A. n. Pi senior and that they either iiave a slightly deaf house mother or a well oiled cellar window. Phi Omega Pi — In the vulgate. the Pop house. Theta Upsilon — C~)ut of the high rent district — bus service every fifteen minutes. Alpha Gamma Delta — The house with the stair railing that has often caused a supressed desire to slide :m<\ slide and slide. Alpha Omicron Pi — The A. (X Pi's ha\-c a water hazard right in their front hall. Alpha Chi Omega — "When this house is done it'll be the tallest one yet." Beta Phi Alpha— Perfect ladies, e\ery one of them, (tsk!) f First crossword fan: "What's a shorter word than purgatory and has an "E?" Second lunatic: "Hell. Yes." Visitor to guide in newspaper plant: "What is that horrible stench?" Guide: "Oh that's just the daily deadline." Missionary to Tennessee nioun- tainer: "Can you read?" Backwoodsman: "Nope, but I can whip the man that can." The deadline on the Woman's staff of the Daily Illini is about e\en with tiieir ears. (Amen.) One: "What's the cause of all that racket?" Two: "The fencing champion was just bitten by a mosquito." Here's what's left of Dr. Zero, Math professor from Trinity; He didn't hear the whistle blow- ,He now approaches infinity. 12 The SIREN 'Just like these women -always falling for a uniform." — Notre Dame Juggler. BE BASHFUL! I'm only a pledge who's very sh\ : Yet the actives lave. I wonder why? "Strip poker's very bad," they say. I like to play it, an>^vay. The boys all do, so why can't I As long as I appear quite sin ? Cokes are flat ; I go tor gin, And alcohol, which they call "sin." At girls who cuss, they rudely stare; But what the hell, Do you think I care? Girls who pet, it's claimed, Are — (scum!) How well we know tlie\ ha\e more fun ! Staying out late is "Naughty girls' game"; I always do it just the same! For what's the use of coming to col- lege Of annexing a lot of knowledge? Unless you use in a bashful way. All you learn from day to day? Kditor dating feminine assistant: "Do you like exchange work?" Feminine assistant: "(^h yes, sir. I5ut do you think it quite dark enough ?" S Lawyer: "Your Honor, I ask you to be lenient with this woman charged with stealing jewelr\-. She stole because of her environment in college." Judge (before pronouncing sen- tence on feminine offender) : "Why are you writing?" Femofl : "Oh sir, I got the habit of taking lecture notes in college." Jdge: "What sorority did you be- long to?" Foff: "Pity." [dge: "Three years for perjury. I'itys don't take notes." S This magazine is devoted to humor, why not reserve a page for campus politics? Youth Youtli in .ill its bloom stood on the sorority porch. There was sad- ness ill the boy's eyes. His com* panion, contrary to all expectation!' ot a blind date, was cheerful, good' looking, amiable, supple, and sober. The boy solemnly stood clinking two nickels in his pocket. Evidently he was a pessimist, for as he spoke, the fire of Dante, V^oltaire, and Chic Sale smouldered on his lips. "Life is dull," he said, "Packards, women, education, shows, what there new? I've been every place and done everything. I was happy and now I am sad. I have tasted life's bitterest dregs, yes, the bitterest of dregs." And then, gentle reader, came the answer, true to life, easy flowing, co- edical. "Why don't you try syphoning vour wine before voii drink it?" _ First: "I heard you hired anothe: stenographer. What does she do?" Second: "I don't know yet, stayed home last night with the wife." I Spring Flirtation Pretty girl — Spring day — Promenade — My way — Drop hanky — On street — Pick up — We meet — Tip hat — Slowly walk — To her flat — Nice talk — Chummy seat — Rig clinch — Good time — Sure cinch — What's that — Door bell — HER HUSBAND- OH HELL—! Girl Number 13 I Must Be Misunderstood I know, my poor misunderstood people — because I'm one myself! Women don't understand me. Babs is my best friend. One night she came over to my apartment to see me, and found her husband making violent love to me. And she got positively furious and accused me of alienating his affections. How inap- propriate. Could I be rude and not ilisten to what her brute-husband had to say when he was my guest? And especially if he had muscles like steel ? Men don't understand mc cither! Jo thinks I love him deeply just be- cause 1 told him I did. And when I just went away for the week-end with this silly Eddie person who's disgustingly rich, he thought we iQught to call the engagement ofif. Isn't that ridiculous — after I went to lall the trouble of wearing his heavy bid three-carat diamond. Men arc so ungrateful. Just have some stupid jlittle infatuation, and they fly off on a tangent. My maid doesn't understand mc. She left in a huff this A. M. when she found one of the chappies from the party last night was under her bed. And I know it wovdd have been 'Of course I slapped him. How was I to know what Platonic meant?" nut right quite all right if he hadn't talked in his sleep. Delia has been suffering from insomnia lately, and is very easily irritated by sounds in the night. My dog doesn't understand me! I bought him a lovely T-bone steak — the kind you pay $.85 for, grilled spcciulh' for him, and he just sits and snarls at it. 1 know, he's turned mis- anthropist, the booby — just because somebody upset a cocktail shaker on him the other night. So he's refus- ing to cat so that he'll grow thin and scrawn\- anil won't win any more, blue ribbons for me, the old meanie! My parents don't understand mel They refused to acknowledge me from the day I graduated from col- lege. "You can't live like a savage and then return to civilization!" quoth they sagely. "What civiliza- tion?" replied I smartly, and only get disowned for the pains of thinking up a nifty come-back. .My college education did do one thing for me, though. It got me a keen job modeling clothes. If it liailii't been for that stupid blind date ni\ freshman vcar. 1 never would have met Petey. Petey used to send me American beauties until he flunketl out of school. When I was about to graduate, I had Petey down for Senior ball, and it was orchids and a job with his dad's firm from then on. His dad thinks I'm much too innocent and naive for Petey, so he takes me out instead now. When Petey raises a fuss, his dad says he must do without his allowance if he cares to be seen in public with me — so Petey's father takes mc to the loveliest shows and things. In fact, there's only one type of person who understands me — and I wish they didn't! They're my creditors, the fools. They never get the least bit irritated when I tell them they must wait awhile for their money. They think I'm the "Poor little Girl about to receive Vast En- dowment from Old Wealthy Man who's Kicking Off"— but if they knew I didn't have a cent, and was just trying to get enough pseudo- .sophistication together to write a story — oh I bet they wouldn't lose any time ti'N'ing to misunderstand me! 14 r/?c'SIREN Keeping liis wits about Iiini How to He Charmitig Under Difficulties Over and over again we have heard charm called an elusive thing. All of us strive for it constantly, witii one degree of success or another. Yet surely it is not difificult to be your own lovely self, exuding charm from every pore when the sun is shining, the birds warbling, and little flowers blooming merrily. No, in- deed — the real test of true charm comes in those moments of agonizing embarrassment which beset all of us at some time or another. Some people brazen out their problems in an un- gcnteel way; other timid souls endite an epistle to Dorothy Dix or Doris Blake (and usually get the answer "use yoiu- own judgment") but those who are truly sincere will sure- ly be able to find adequate solutions to each and every little perplexity in this novel and entertaining column of advice. Today's mail hag held a host of interesting letteis, most of which I shall answer b\ return mail, but for the benefit of that great group of people who, although they themselves ha\e not written as yet, still want to know the correct thing to do, I shall reprint some of the more pertinent questions, together with answers winch should do much to solve any question regarding charm. Dear Aunt Bella: I was so em- barrassed the other evening, and I wonder if you could help me? I am forty years old and ha\e been en- gaged to a very nice bo\' for about ten years. The other cxening he asked me if he couKi call me by my iirst name. ^Vhat should I have done? Axxiois. Deal' Anxious: I realize that this is a delicate question, and I like your attitude. I do not beliexe in allow- ing men liberties, but as you ha\e known this boy for some time, I think the charming thing for you to do would be to ask him to see your parents and get their permission. If they do not object. I am quite sure ir woidd he a kinchiess on your part t(j allow him this privilege, but do not let him o\er do it. At NT Bela. Dear Aunt Bella: I need your ad- vice and do hope you can help me. '["he other evening at a dinner part\ my escort picked up a piece of lettuce and rubbed it in his hair. What should I have done.'' Hi.t i- E\i;S. Dear Blue Kyes: It 1 had been vou, m order t(j put him at his ease and show him that you understood his temperament, I would have handed him the salad dressing and laughingly told him to go right ahead with his vegetable imitations. AixT Bella. Dear Aunt Bella: I accidentally shot and killed my mother-in-law the other day. What should I do? Puzzled. Dear Puzzletl : Apply to the Car- negia Foundation for the medal which you amply deserve. AuxT Bella. S "When did you get all the dimples?" "During these times of depres- sions." S "Did you ever take fencing?" "Yeah, once, on Halloween night." S She was a member of Torch but she wasn't hot enough to smoke. S- Father: "A night watchman, my son, is the result of Platonic love." Father: "Do \'oii know my boy, Will?" Co-ed : "Oh, so you know about it, too?" Girl Number 15 Sistern It you can blow smoke rinRS wIkmi all about you, The hot air boys are blowing up a gale ; It you can hold your likker though they mix it, With everything bootleggers have for sale ; If you can listen to a naughty story, With a dumbness which denies you've luiderstood — If you can do these things with smoothness, darling, Then, sister, I'll admit that you are good. If you can neck with fair amount of finish. And seem withal a novice at the art — If you can play and keep from ever paying. And yet appear to take the generous part ; It \'ou can cope with cats and seem not catty ( k't the low-down on all and yet not tell— If \ou can Jo these little things I've mentioned. Then, sister, I'll admit you're doing well. Student: "Why was King Alfonso exiled to England ? " Prof.: "The people didn't like him, because he had too much Haps- burg and Bourbon in him." Stiide: "Then he deserved it, the old drunkard !" "Oh dear, oh dear," wailed the young mother. "I had a contract for a new house and the baby swallowed it." "Too bad," sympathized a visitor. "Was it binding?" "I don't know, but I suppose it is now." Editor: "Did you write all of those jokes?" Inferplex: "Yeh, it only takes a little reflection." Editor: "Self-reflection, eh?" S Woman, Couching Terms I'nc- touly: "What makes you so dirty- minded ?" Youth Making Caustic Answer: "My childhood sweetheart pledged Chiomega." Even though we don't have cars the number of girls that walk home is amazing. Famous She's . . . boygan . . . p's that pass in the night . . . devils Tito . . . pa Because . . . 's nobody's sweetheart now. Haa, Baa, Black . . . ep Three . . . ts in the wind. It was a terrible storm and Eve straggled in wet to the skin. Throw- ing a soddy maple leaf mantle from her shoulders she said, "Adam, I'll ha\e to be re-leaved." Mary had a little lamp ; A good one we won't doubt. For every time that company came. The little lamp went out. Woman: "My ideal man must be calm, stoical, precise, and pri- marily a man of actions, not bothered by trivial emotions." Dub: "You don't want a man, you want a robot." 16 The SIREN Meditations Xothiii}; to do but work. Xotliinj; to cat but food, Xotbing to wear but clothes 1 o keep OIK- from f;oing luulc. .Nothing to breathe but air Quick a.< a Ha.sh t'is gone: Nowhere to fall but off. Nowhere to stand but on. .Nothing to comb but hair, .Nowhere to sleep but in bed, .Nothing to weep but tears. Nothing to hur\- but dead. Nothing to sing but .songs. Oh hell, ala.s, alack! Xowheie to go but out. Xowhere to come but back. .Nothing to see but sights. .Nothing to quencii hut tliirst. Xothing to have but what \ou\e got; Thus through life we are cursed. .Nobody to d.uice with but beginneis, l.\er\ thing moves that goes; .Notiiing but good ol' "Foot Ease," C'.in e\er relieve my toes. \V'h\ should men take adxaiiccd swunming courses when beautiful co-eds can make "fish" out of any of them. Then there was the Delta Zeta that never heard the one about the traveling salesman "With a permanent like hers jon'd be irresistable too. THEY LAUGHED WHEN I SAT DOWN — but as the last strains died away, they burst into applause. My fingers Hew lightly over the keys as I went into the "Paddling Song" from the Tales of Hoffman. My audience was held snow bound. Ha ha — and they thought they would get a laugh out of me but now the questions came thick and thin — "Where did you ever learn to play so beautifully?" "Who IS your in.structor?" I merely .smiled and shooed them back in their corners. "Listen." says I, "and I'll tell \ou the story. It was back in the early nighties before drug stores sold sandwiches and when the Chi- cago Tribute was still a leaflet. I al- ways had a hankering to play the piano, but as pianos were still un- heard of, I had to be content with my Jew's harp. However as the \ears rolled by, the hankering in- creased, but I had it removed by an operation. There came a day when my grandmother bought me a beauti- fully engraved piano bench and a Steinway. My happiness was com- plete, so I put on boxing gloves and stepped up to the piano. But there, dear friends, I met with disappoint- ment — bitter disappointment — I couldn't play a note! Day after day I walked back and forth in front of the keyboard, wearing the rug to a frazzle. At last I grew courageous, reached fourth and punched a key. Ah, friends, I'll never forget how that one note inspired me and how my aged grandmother shouted from the cyclone cellar, "That's a hell of a note!" I socked her in the basement with a Xo. G string, and bought a Physical Vulture magazine. After paging through the pages I chanced on the U. S. School of Music ad- vertisement. With shaking hands I clipped the coupon and within three days I had mastered Chopin, Beet- lio\eii, and Bach." S After taking only five lessons I as- tounded them all by swearing fluent- ly at the waiter in French. Girl Number 17 HORSEY The other night I was awakened by a heavy thud to find my rooniniate sleepily picking himself up from the floor beside his bed. "What happened ?" I asked grouchily. "Just had a nightmare," was his sheepish reply, "and she threw me." Hut I got even with him for shak- iiiii me out of a perfectly delightful dream. He started to crawl into his bunk the next night and was deeply troubled by the presence of a copious supply of bran flakes therein. Dimly suspecting dirty work he turned to nie. "You got anything to do with put- ting this bran in my bed?" he de- manded suspiciously. "Don't be silly," was my sarcastic answer as I sat up. "It's only for your own good. Beings you're such a poor horseman, I thought that bran might appease your nightmare's ap- petite so she would treat you more t;t'ntly." And with that I snorted contempuously a couple of times, lay down, and went to sleep. Roomie had his revenge. Next morning I awoke with a sensation of being choked, and with a heavy weight across my middle. I was firmly gagged, with a regulation cavalry saddle across my midriff and cinched under the bed, and my hands strapped together. Roomie sat across from me on his bunk, watching my antics witli a malignant gleam in his eyes. Finally he got up, sauntered toward me, and suddenly hoisted himself into the saddle he had copped from the R. O. T. C, me protesting dumbly all the while to the ignominous treatment. "Listen, you ass," he began scath- ingly, "if it wasn't for your con- founded braying I wouldn't have those nightmares. And since I can't gag you to keep you from snoring every night, I'm going to get some practice riding. Just to stabilize things I got you bound up plenty ti^ht. He needn't have made that last crack as I had alrcad\- fo\uid that RETIRING? out. Anyway a wild glint came into his eye and he started jumping up and down in the saddle, accompanied by lusty wheezes from me every time he came down, and began flaying my legs unmercifully with a belt. Poor roomie! In the first place he should have known better for we had roomed together three years now and he knew how I got when I was mad. He might as well have started ham- mering on a case of high explosives as fool with me. But he had lost all reason and was whopping it up right royally. And that's where he made his second mistake. The only experience he ever had riding was on a hobby horse as a four-year-old with his mammy there to hold him. Even then in a lax moment he had toppled to the floor on his head, which was probably the cause of his present, at times, de- mented actions. Anyway he got too reckless for a novice like himself. In the third place he was in the infantry and had the usual foot soldier's lack of information about all things equestrian. Consequently he iiad tied the saddle girth in a bow knot instead of cinching it properly. It was no wonder that it soon worked loose under the severe pommelling, and that combined with a particular- ly nas