THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS LIBRARY O -I— 4i:^.,. Citii^r-r i^M O I A r A . KKr K z X n 0A0 z n 0rA Aon E)On r 0E)m^^ ^ i I ' i ~^^ rr e> (^ 1 -si x A^ A ATH r ^ AZ\n^ ^^/\^v^^ /i^ K /\ V /\ ..A /• UeHING NUMEEF ILLINOIS UNION BUILDING The Stewart Howe Alumni Service Helps nearly 200 strong fraternities and sororities at five universities maintain their stron** alumni support STRONG FRATERNITIES RESULT FROM STRONG ALUMNI TAYLOR-FISHER Music Shop Everything in Music Visit our new store in Illinois Union Bldg. Entrance thriiii^h nuihi lobby RECORDS SHEET MUSIC INSTRUMENTS ^our Tuture Depends l^on Your future success will be assured if you enroll NOW at ILLINOIS COMMERCIAL COLLEGE "The liiisiiu'ss ('oIlei;e for t'iillej;c IVcipIc" ILLINOIS UNION BLDG. 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LIP STICKS Tiissy Louis Philippe — alt beauty treatment line lip sticks The largest and finest presentation of Compacts for your selection OGILIVE SISTERS HAIR PREPARATIONS For the Newest, Smartest, Most Modern, Finest in Toilet Goods Champaign Daniel at Sixth KAMERER BROS. Urbana Lincoln at Nevada Join Our Rental Library No reprints — First run books by best and latest authors lOc for 3 Days New Books Added Often All The Best New Books F"iction. Biography, History Dollar Books, Popular Books Illustrated Books, Gift Books, Poetr\ Cheap Libraries, etc. VISIT OUR BARGAIN BOOK BASEMENT Used and Reduced Volumes of All Kinds THE CO-OP WRIGHT GREEN I 066735 The SIREN SIREN'S Rushing Number DEDICATED TO POOR SOULS AND HEELS Rus/tiug Number c \J. ' ^ 1 Volume XXXIII, Rushing Number September, 1932, No. 1 CARL J. DfESER Edilor-in-C/iie) WILLIAM A. ZOELLER Business Manaiier Editorial Staff Donald F. Mulvihill Issociate Editor Wilfred J. Brogdcn Office Manayir Gerald McGrcw John La Scl Maurice Eastin Nita Ramey H'oman's Editor Miriam Van Buskirk Excliantje Editor Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day Lucille Cole Winnie Haslam Lynn Pierce Art Editor Jane Fauntz Associate Art Editor D. M. Meskimen Assistant Art Editor H. Samuel Kruse Ted Parmclee Evelyn Lantz Florentia Mctzger Adeline Cross Business Staff Donald Faulkner Idverlisini/ Manatjer H. H. Otten Assistant Advcrlisinij Manaijer Harley Stiehl Circulation Manager Murray Shrader Copy Manaijrr Elaine (Jeidell Office Manaijer Shelby Simmons Collection Manaijer Published monthly bj- the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illi- nois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Office at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, Marcli 3, 1879. Office of publication. Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Address all communications, Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Illinois. Copyright. 1932. by The Siren. Exclusive rei>rint right granted to (2)l|geHumOr magazine. The SIREN The Letters of Susie Brown As a Freshman Dear Maw and Paw: I ain't written afore because I ain't had the time. I couldn't eat, sleep, or nuthing. Because the minute I tried to, there were forty-leven gals after me, taking me places, and calling me on the phone. The idea was something foreign — they called it Russian. Enyways, I'm not living anymore where I wuz when I first comed here. Some gals moved me out to their place. It's plenty grand — big front porch and all. Looks a lot like the town hall back home. The gals are nice to me, but I'm afraid most of them are headed for the place the Rev. Munroe used to tell us about in Church. They even smoke. I shall try my best to lead them back to the straight path. I almost forget to tell you. The morning after I moved here, some of my clothes disappeared — especially the bloomers. The next day I ups and tells the precedent of the house, and she said it wuz kindof a joke the Sophs play on the Freshman every year, and she suggested that she help me buy new clothes. And she says that I should wear my Sunday-go-to-meeting dress to school, and get another dress for Sunday. It's right nice of her to offer to help me, and if it's all right with Paw, I'll be getting some new clothes. Your loving dater, ScsiE. Dear Susie: Is this here place what you moved to going to cost eny- more than the one Maw and I put you in? Cuz if 'tis, you'll have to move back again. I won't be paying no more than ten dollars ($10) a week for no Russian plan. Maw and I don't think that's no joke about yer clothes getting taken. Who are the Sophs, enyway? Can't they be brought to Justice? Git the Sherrif after them, or, by cracky, I will. As for another go-to-meeting dress. Maw and I guess we can manage it, and we are sending ten dollars ($10), which is four dollars ($4) more than t'other one cost. Keep up your prayers for them gals what smoke. It be a terrible sin. Be a good girl, Susie, write to yer Maw and Paw, and wear yer rubbers. Bossy horned a calf last nite. Sincerely, Paw. As a Sophomore Dear Mommer and Popper : Greetinx from Chambana! And how are all the corn- tassels ? F'eaven's ache, what made you believe that story Minnie Atkinson told you when she was home last week-end ? Col- lege has tiot been too much for me, although I admit, parentes familias, I may have been too much for it. What if I did go wading in the boneyard at 12 p. m.? Does that prove anything? Absolutely not, Mommer and Popper, old kids. Indeed, the act made me famous. I even rated the Scout, which is one of the highest honors possible at this school. Now the name of Browne is known on campus. I am doing marvelously — simply marvelously — in my classwork. Any letter which you received from the Dean's office to the contrary was all a horrible mistake. I'm going to see Benner this very afternoon and demand an apology. Why, I'm certain to make Phi Beta Kappa. Incidentally, our formal dance is soon. How about sending five greenbacks my way? Finis, Sally. Dear Susie : Since when is yer name "Sally"? Yer name is Susie, and Susie it be always, and don't be forgitting it. Besides, since when do we spell "Brown" with an "E"? Likewise, Maw and I will heve you know thet the name of Brown does not need anyone to make it famous. Most everyone knows someone by the name of Brown as it is. Seems to Maw and me thet you be getting right funny ideas at that col- litch. As fer what \Iinnie tol us last week, we're glad to hear you say it wuz nuthing, but we still feel a might un- easy about it. Why you shoidd be wading around in lumber- yards, or whatever it is, at midnight, we can't see. What is the Scout? Be it a medal or some sech? We are waiting for the apology from the Bender. But if making good marks is going to make you join another one of them Greek named things, let the marks go. I can't afford it. Love from Maw and Brother, Paw. P. S. Am sending five dollars ($5) fer thet thar formal affair. If you didn't go to the darn thing formal, would it , cost less? I As a Junior Dear Mater and Pater: I'm wearing a Chi Psi pin. Congratidate me. It was hard work getting it. We're thinking of eloping to Danville or Decatur, or somewhere, and if you'd send along some dough, it would be a lot easier. In haste, Sally. ((Continued on Page IS) Rushing Number NirP\ ^AMfy Simply Ripping! The SIREN Egbert Pea body Goes to College or Being Pledged to Beta Our kind and gentle readers will remember that we left Egbert at the close of prep school, thrilled with the idea of going to Illinois University. See EGBERT AT OLD HAVERFORD, THE PHANTOM HALF- BACK, etc., etc.) It was a glorious day as Egbert stepped from the palatial day-coach of the great railroad which ran through Urbana-Champaign. He was certain that his friends would be there to meet him, and so they were. That is, all were there except Freddy Schnell who had been so pleased to see him last Interscholastics. Little did Egbert know that Beta already had a ping-pong champion hot-boxed who came from East St. Louis, and was slated to win the intramural cup. The boys rushed Egbert into a trim little Packard, laughing and joking over him, gaily calling each other sons of beehives, bastions, and other jolly names. A kind elderly man, whom Egbert found out later to be head of the house, volunteered to take care of his trunks. "Ah," thought Egbert, "this is really college life, just like that shown in 'EFFIE AT VASSAR,' in the companion series by the same author which will be of great interest to my kind readers' sisters." The next few days were full of social functions ap- parently all in Egbert's honor. Breakfasts, dinners, teas, theater parties, all for Egbert. True, there were a few other young fellows who seemed puffed up with their own importance, but Egbert thought they must be Betas. Not only did this one group of friends fete him, but a group of fellows known as Delts invited him places. But Egbert did not like the Pelts, for he was sine that he once smelled root beer on the breath of one, the same one who uttered a lusty "D — n" when he caught his finger in a door. Egbert had often heard of these bad college women, so when one of the boys offered to get him a date with a Kappa Phi Theta, he was rather reluctant. But the girl was very nice, modest, and almost shy. Not until he had seen her twice more, did he find that she, like he, was a freshman in college. Four days went by, and then a group of the boys took him aside and began to talk quite seriously of fraternity life, the national aspect, and "you should really get in where your friends are, and you know, Egbert, that we're your friends." Why did they look at him so anxiously? He would show them that a Peabody always rewarded hos- pitality and that he, Egbert, already was a college man. "Sure, fellows, I'll join your frat," he cried. Little did Egbert know that he thus made a life-long enemy in the person of Oscar, the kind Senior who ruled the house, with the exception of the athletes, with an iron hand, and who also dated the Kappa Phi Theta pledge. But more of this in a later volume which will be called "EGBERT ON THE ILLINI or THE PERILS OF THE PRESS." "Well, fellers, he pledged!" Rushing Number PAN-HELL OUT OF IT ♦ The Siren's Interpretation of the 1932-33 Rushing Rules IXFORM.ATIOX AboUT SoRORITIES AND RlSHIN'G A sorority is a buncti of dolls who have elected when very young to establish a close affiiliation with one another for four years as university students and thereafter until death do them part. All of the members and pledges of sororities, with few exceptions, live in chapter houses under the direction of a mature chaperon. The sorority, however, is largely self- governing and maintains high ideas of girlish sophistication for its members as well as for all university women. Since sorority membership is necessarily limited by the number of pledges who can be crowded into the dorm, and since many are sought but few are chosen, only one-third ot the women students at the university are sorority mem- bers. The procedure of securing new members is politely termed Rushing. Rushing simply means that the sorority entertains women at tea, luncheon, or dinner in an effort to look over a rushee's best clothes. Alumnae members of each sorority have sisters, rela- tives, or close friends entering the university whom they think could be adapted by the groups. These persons with a drag largely make up the group of rushees. If the sorority has several vacancies in its membership and needs additional members to pay off the mortgage, it invites the required number of women to become pledges. Each college student should consider carefully before she accepts a bid and pledges herself to a sorority, for she is more or less damning herself for her whole college career. Fall Rushixg Rules .4. General Rules for Fall Rushing 1. Betas shall not be included in fall rushing. 2. Gifts, such as silk stockings and underwear, may not be sent or given to a strange rushee. B. Advice to Rushees 1. It is advisable that a rushee should not accept too many invitations with one sorority. She should not accept more than two or three invitations besides the tea, since this acceptance will allow the sorority to think it is the only one rushing her. 2. A rushee should leave the sorority house when the sisters begin to yawn and look toward the door. 3. It is considered unfair to accept invitations to soror- ity parties for no other purpose than a free meal. }iirA R^HBi "And ya better quit wearing those mesh hose on tha street too !" The SIREN mil mu SIREN'S • September • Almanac POME TO SEPTEMBER Month iv/iost' hirthslone is Ihc sappliirr Monlli luliicli l/rniciu one like a Kaffir, Month irhen all thr gay young Frosli Hit the big State L'., by gosh.' And you hear of hot box sessions, Legacies and prize possessions ; Teke and Sig Pi fight for allileles, Chi Psi, Phi Delt for the aesthetes. Harvest moon begins to shine Summer romances decline, In favor of some newer flame IFhat the Hell, it's all a game! mini. Siren, Hlio, You really must subscribe, you know. Month ivhen people ivear fall clothes ll'liy they do it, no one knows. Pledges learn to sneak date boldly Upper classmen look on coldly. The big and braiuny strive for fame, ll'lien's the first big football gamef Rushing Number September Hath 30 Daze — "Buy Bras for Miss America" Club founded. — Betas recommend pink bras with blue alencon lace. — Zuppke very hopeful over football prospects. — Ananias born, 25 B. C. May he lie in peace. — Labor Day. "Let us have wine, women, and drown sorrow. Bromo-Seltzer for tomorrow." — Bromo-Seltzer. — Tomato juice. — 46.3^f fewer motor accidents than at this time last month, after formation of Miss America Club. — Buy Bras for Miss America Club praised bv \\ . C. T. U. — Some students arrived on trains, thumb did not. — Fraternities give houses annual dusting. — Rush week starts for men. Psi U Dairy open with two Holsteins shooting bull. , — President's welcome. Everybody wants to go home. — Full moon, as well as Dekes. No street lights. , — Silence Day. Hard on the women. — Bids come out. "We really didn't need but five." — Freshman mixer. I'll take mine straight, with a cop for a chaser. — F'raternities and sororities return to regular menus. — Eighty houses still trying to get pledges. , — Registration begins. Annual faculty popularity con- test. — Papa Pease leading by 13 Sigma Kappas. , — Classes begin. Students begin to catch up on sleep. — Sigma Phi Sigma pledges serenade Pifys, rendering beautiful duet. — Zuppke hopeful over football prospects. — 7,401 students decide to study. One sick. 7,400 go to show. —THE SIREN celebrates its 23rd natal day. . — SAI pledge class sings solo over WILL. , — Zuppke still hopeful. , — Michaelmas. 365 das. come next Michaelmas. Nita Ramey celebrates 3rd IHth birthday. 30 Fr. — Zuppke wants more men for football. 1 Th. 2 Fr. 3 Sa. 4 Su. 5 Mo. 6 Tu. 7 We. 8 Th. 9 Fr. 10 Sa. 11 Su. 12 Mo. 13 Tu. 14 We. 15 Th. 16 Fr. 17 Sa. IS Su. 19 Mo. 20 Tu, 21 We. 22 Th, 23 Fr. 24 Sa. 25 Su. 26 Mo. 27 Tu 2S We. 29 Th 10 The SIREN Tsk! Tsk! An army sergeant who was attached to the Sixth Infantry and wore on his left shoulder the red-six-pointed star which is the regimental insignia of the Sixth was riding on the sub- way in New York. On his left sleeve were two wound stripes, while on his right were his three ser- geant's stripes. He sat down next to one of those kind old ladies who take an interest in everything. Soon she had started to talk to him and jabbered gaily on for quite some time. At last she asked, "Would you mind explaining what those bits of cloth mean?" He replied, "Madam, this star means that I'm a married man," pointing to the star, "while these," pointing to the wound stripes, "mean that I have two girl babies in my family, and these," pointing to his sergeant's chevrons, "mean there are three boys." A corporal boarded the train here, unattached to any unit, wearing on his right sleeve his two corporal's chevrons, and sat down next to the kind old lady. After a few minutes hesitation, she saw her duty and did it. Leaning over to the corporal, she said in regretful tones, "Shame on you, soldier boy, shame on you." -S- The yoiuig bride of a few months dashed into the grocery store and ex- claimed, "I want a pound of coiifee in the bean." "I'm sorry," replied the clerk, "but this is the ground floor." Perfectly well meaning lady to one of Ray Dvorak's tenors (we'd rather not say which) : "Thank you so much for that song. It took me back to my childhood days on the farm and when I listened to your singing I could hear the dear old gate crealc- ing in the wind." The Bachelor's Prayer in the Middle of Leapyear The menace haunts me day and night, I toss and roll and shake with fright It takes my appetite away Removes the pleasure from my play I'd give a fortune, anything, (Except O Lord, a wedding ring!) To be unhampered, free again, I'd give up drinking, even gin I'd go my way, no more I'd sin , If she would give me back my pin. Rushhig Number 11 Rushing as it Ain't Scene : Kappa Kappa Gamma iiouse. Time: Just before dinner, during rushing. Characters: Members 1 to 48, inclusive, pledges and rushees. (As the curtain rises, the doorbell rings, and pledge No. 1 goes to door. ) Pledge No. 1 — Good-evening. You are Miss Rushee Noll? Come in and let me introduce you to the girls. Rushee No. 1 — Cjood-evening. I am anxious to meet the girls. I wonder if they are such snobs as I heard they were. Pledge No. 1— This is Rushee No. 1, Actives Nos. 1 to 48. (Takes notebook and reads from it.) Rushee : Noll. Father's Business: Bankins. Income : .$100,900 per year. Real estate valued at ^0,000. Owns two C'adillaes and a Buick. Mother. President of Bidawee Bridge Club. Women's amateur ehainp, Sunnjside Golf Club. Chairman 1932 Charity Ball. Personal Histor.v: Made her debut at what the Dowaser sa>'s was the smartest party of the season. Has been ensased to a eount. Drives a Chrysler roadster. Golfs, swims, dances, chews, necks. plays bridge and tennis. Complexion yuaran- teed not to fade after the first dance. Actives — So glad to have you with us, but you should have come on time. Active No. 1 — I don't suppose you will like us at first, we seem rather high-hat, but you will soon get that way yourself. Rushee — No, I'm afraid I won't, but if I pledge here, I'll get used to you. Act. No. 2 — Did you say your father's income is 15U grand per? Not bad. Act. No. 4 — She isn't bad looking, and we can't pass up a girl with a family like that. Pledge No. 1 — No, I suppose not. You're not such a hot looking bunch yourself, but your house has prestige. Active No. 5 — You can't date that fellow you were with at the Freshman dance any more. He is taboo here. (Actives go into a huddle for a few minutes.) Pledge master: We liave decided to give you a bid if you will pledge .$2,000 for new room furnishings. Rushee No. 1 — O. K. I'll do it, but I'll show \ou that I can be just as conceited as you can. Active No. 6 — Have you danced with No. 9 yet? She's terrible. I told her we wouldn't even consider her unless she would take dancing lessons. Act. No. 7 — ^We must be nice to her though. Her Dad is a bootlegger, and we could get her to furnish us with hooch for our house dances. Act. No. 8 — Yeh, let's get her to pledge three cases of Scotch and White Rock for every dance. Act. No. 9 — O. K., but someone go dance with that vinegar face over by the window. Act. No. 14 — That? No, thanks, I got feelings in m\ toes. Act. No. 9 — Yeh, but she's got something in her head. She made a 5. last semester. We need a few like her to bring the house average up. Act. No. 14 — AH right, but remember, if she goes below a 4.8 we'd better drop her. (Dinner Gong) Act. No. 17 — Now watch them dash for the dining room. And we have to feed this bunch of wet sponges just for the sake of some dough, gin, and the house average. Exit all.) Excerpts from the Orange-and-Blue F'eather Exams (True) Dean of Men: Harry Chase. Honorary Engineering Fraternity: Hcta Theta Pi. W. G. S. (which stands for "Woman's Group Sys- tem"): Radio Station. President of University: Ray Dvorak. Oldest building on campus: Prehn's on Green. Freshman Woman's Honorary: Mawanda. About the Betas Ajjain Alpha Chi: Did you hear about the Betas going co- educational next year? Chi O.: How come? Alpha Chi: Well, they're going to pledge some men in the Fall. 12 The SIREN Cokensmokes On Green street is Prehn's, which has a blue sky and a red light, a stuffed owl, Dick Cisne, and Satur- day night beer drinkers. The head waiter's name is Paul. . . . Ou Wright street is Hanley's, which is called Feetlebaum's by the oldest in- habitants, and which has all our best people but no stuffed owls. . . . On Daniel street is another Prehn's which is supposed to be a copy of John Gilbert's bedroom. If you can stand up in front of a lot of people and admit that you like John Gilb^ut you will probably like this place. . . . On the same street is also the Jack O Lantern, Kamerer's, a popcorn stand, and the Stadium Tavern which is not very intimate. . . . On John street is Leonard's which is very in- timate and has cheap food, sneak dates, and beer labels for decora- tion. . . . Over on Oregon is still an- other Prehn's which is the stuffed owl type only more so, and J. C. s which has awnings and fishbowls. . . . And it's in these places that the dirt as well as cokes are dished out.. We Hear That Bud Lucas, Sig Alf, is housemother to the Sammies this year. They have swell meals and he has a private bath. . . . That "Dad," the starter on the University Pool Table Golf Course, is already far in the lead in the Twin-City burping contest sponsored by the Siren. That last year the DAE's had a swell party. ... In the basement of the castle they had a conventional room with one light and many davenports. ... As a chaperone they had one of the most popular of the younger instructors, recently mar- ried. ... All went well, everyone having a good time with the aid of the swell room. . . . Then one of the brethern noticed one couple clinching a little too long and too near the li};ht. ... He sought the chap- erones, desiring them to do the shoulder-tapping. Nowhere could he find them. So he went to do the task himself, and . . . That Gino Hill of the Gammafi apartments took herself on a swim- ming party this last summer. She lugged her pet bathing cap, sandals, blankets, umbrellas, and even a big rubber seahorse some forty-odd miles to the destined spot. But she had forgotten her suit. . . . Fun in the Art School It's an old custom in the Art School to get models from Chicago. . . . Not so long ago one came down here with swell letters of recom- mendation. The day came for her to pose. . . . She hopped on the plat- form and asked somewhat awkward- ly, "Now what do I do?" Some of the architects who always insist on chiselling into such courses made sug- gestions which were not accepted, but she finally posed — as best she could. . . . The poor guys that hire the models seem to have been sucked in, for she was only a chambermaid, tired of her job, and clever at forg- ing letters. But everyone had a swell time while it lasted. Will Wot with hearing that Louie Mc- Lean, better known as Brother Pup, is now taking over some of the an- nouncing at our radio station, we are reminded of a perfectly grand in- cident which occurred not more than a few years ago. . . . A well known — perhaps we should say famous — professor of this cam- pus, was supposed to deliver a ten- minute speech over aforesaid station. He drew out his words to great length, read out long lists of pamph- lets which the university had pub- lished, and finally, when he could stall no longer, he said, "Seeing that my time is now about up I will con- clude." And he did, at the end of six minutes. This speech of his was followed by the announcer's "Being that there are four minutes of time remaining, we will play some phono- graph records." Riis/iiug Number 13 Goldfish Now it can be told. ... It seem.-; that one of our better known profs, residing in L rbana. was paying a short call on a friend in Champaign, said friend being a collector of gold- fish . . . said friend was also very generous, and insisted upon the prof taking a few home to the wife and kiddies. . . . \ot having to go very far the scholar dampened his hand- kerchief, placed the fish therein, and placed the entire afifair in his pocket. . . . He started home. . . . Midway in the Forestry, on his way home, he begot himself an intense desire to blow his nose. He drew forth his kerchief, blew, and then suddenly be- thought himself of the fish . . . which were flipping and flopping madly upon mother earth. ... So he hied himself down onto his hands and knees, lit a match, and began search- ing for goldfish . . . when up dashed one of the gallant campus wearers of the silver star, best known as Be- loved Pete. "Here, here!" he cried, "what are you doing there?" "I'm looking for goldfish," the prof honestly replied . . . and just then he found one . . . and the mighty brain of the campus cop almost cracked under the strain. . . . This and That We often wondered just what fra- ternity pins were good for . . . per- haps that one will know where to take the wearer after he has passed out. . . . Then there was the gal who was given a free berth in the jail for lifting Ghandi's pin . . . and why aren't pins worn on neckties and coat lapels as they were " 'way back when"? ... As Bruce Weirick pro- claims, "The coat and pants do all the work, but the vest gets all the gravy . . . and as this same King of the Punsters said, "Style made Oscar Wilde and Thornton Wilder" . . . think it over. . . . And while we're speaking of the faculty, have you ever noticed the striking resem- blance between Prof. Babbitt and the head of the United States Reserve Bank? ... The unrelated POP house twins. Dalrymple and Minier are back again . . . and good old George McDevitt's supposed to be at Harvard . . . and God's in his Heaven . . . and we don't know what's wrong with the world. . . . I Horses There are at least four well known brands of dime cigarettes on the market now, and four out of five will be smoking them now that rush week is over, and it is no longer necessary to impress the frosh . . . can you name the brands, beginning with Horses and ending with Wings? ... if you can't you're a bloated aristocrat. . . . But you can still join the new club that one of the Pi Kappa Phi's started. ... He calls it the "Miss America" club, and its aim is to provide certain articles of wearing apparel to hang on the Lucky Strike billboards . . . membi-r- ship two-bits, care of this maga- xine. . . . Our Platform We recommend . . . that Oscar Zilch replace John Doe as the great American nonentity . . . the abolition of blind dates . . . although it will be tough on many ... a reduction in the number of fraternities . . . every day a holiday . . . more Profs with a sense of humor, be it ever so dr\ . . . that Illinois cling to the few traditions which it has kept . . . they seem to mean more than anything else after one's been around here a while. The Schoolmarm In\asion Barring the schoolmarm invasion summer school was disgustingly normal. . . . Some of the little teachers made a swell first impres- sion. . . . Some could even dance. . . . But they all got that "I'll slap your wrist" attitude at some time or other. ... Or told one how much trouble they had with the Wilkin's kid. . . . (Continued on Page 21) 14 The SIREN Auto-mania The bishop of London says that while he was in America he learned to say "Step on the gas" to his chauffeur, but that he did not have the courage to say to the Archbishop of Canterbury, "O. K., Chief." And then there's that story from the New Yorker of the demon taxi- driver who was whizzing about New York, beating red lights, grazing traffic signs, grazing safety zones, grazing busses. A cop halted him. Deliberately he took a big handker- chief from his pocket. "Listen, cow- boy," he said, "on your way back I'll drop this, an' see if you can pick it up wit' your teeth." And with this he motioned him on. "Albert, bring that new radiator ornament along, I forgot to buy a bridge prize again!" Absent-minded dentist (extracting a nail from a tire) : "Quiet now. You won't feel this." "Would you marry for money, dearie?" "I don't know, but I have a sacred wish that Cupid might shoot me with a Pierce-Arrow." The gag about the radiator cap a few lines back reminds one of friend Jones. He knows nothing of art. One radiator cap looks just like another to him. "You must wake and call me early, call me early, mother dear." That was often said to mothers by the girls of yesteryear. But the girls now tell their maters, as they start for a spin: "You must wake up early, mother, someone's got to let me in." First Collegian: "Jiggers, here comes a speed cop." Second Delt: "Quick, hang out the Notre Dame pennant." The result of some intensive rushing done by the military department "Can 1 help you start your car? I know a lot about that make." "Well, whisper it. There are ladies present." S A polecat is much prettier than an Angora cat, but handsome is as hand- some does. S A flea and an elephant were cross- ing a bridge. When they reached the other side the flea said, "Big boy, we sure did shake that thing, didn't we.' S Squire Perkins: "Nell, after 1 die, 1 wish you would marry Deacon Brown." Nell: "Why so, Hiram?" Hiram: "Well, the deacon trim- med me on a horse trade once." — U'ashingtoti Columns. S Some girls let a fool kiss them; others let a kiss fool them. Usher at wedding to cold, digni- fied lady: "Are you a friend of the groom ?" The lady: "Indeed, no, 1 am the bride's mother." vou .' Does your husband always lie to "No. some nights I'm too tired to ask questions." Constable: "Let me see your driving license." Co-ed : "Well, as a matter of fact, officer, I don't happen to have it with me, but if it will save you any bother 1 can assure you that it's very much like any other old driving license. "Help your wife," says the Good Housekeeping, "when she mops up the floor, mop up the floor with her." Of course, you've heard of the Scotchman whose girl got so fat that he wanted to break the engagement, but she couldn't get the ring off so he married her. -S- A college stew (writing home) : "How do you spell 'financially?' " Second D. U. : "F-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-1- 1-y, and there are two R's in 'em- barrassed.' " Rushing Number 15 JOIN THE HOSP. ASSOC. (Free Adv.) "I'm going to Burnham tomorrow for an operation." "Good luck, old man, I hope everything comes out all right." Ticket taker at the Virginia: "Say, come back ! Dogs are not al- lowed in here, sir." Ken Holt: "That's not m\' dog." TT : "Not your dog! Why. he's following you." KH : "^Vell, so are \ou. " S "Yes, ma'm, both of us twins were called Henry, except John, and he was called Paul." An insurance company issued a life policy in the name of John Brown. For several years premiums were promptly paid, then they suddenly stopped. After sending a few de- linquent notices, the company re- ceived this note : Dear Sir: Please excuse us as we can't pay any more premiums on John. He died last April. Yours truly, Mrs. J. Brown. "Daddy, a boy at school today told me I looked just like you." "And what did you say, son?" "Nothing, he was bigger 'n me." She: "That was some party you held last night." He: "I'll say so! She must have weighed all of a hundred and eighty pounds." The reason the Facult>' had to stop the honor system at the Uni- versity was because the Profs had all the honor and ni- had all the sys- tem. Hank Avery: "How old would a person be who was born in 1898?" McDevitt, good old George: "Man or woman?" Hob Stiven: "My girl got her nose broke in three places." Second Beta: "She should have kept out of those places." Friend (visiting at Burnham lios- pital): "Do you know, old man. that's a swell looking nurse you've got?" Patient: "I hadn't noticed." Friend: "Good grief. I had no idea you were so sick!" S Watson : "How do you know there's been a picnic here?" Holmes: "I see by the papers." No, Aloysius, the fact that a girl runs around a lot doesn't necessarily mean that she's chaste. — NorlhiLCSlcrn Purple Parrot. Southern Hospitality "Won't you have lynching with me tomorrow?" suggested the Georgia colonel to the negro prisoner. — Washington Columns. "If I were as clever as you are, I would be writing for the Siren." "And if you were as smart, you would be wearing clothes from Kaufman s." 16 The SIREN But Don't Go Near the Water Mother : Janet ! Janet: Yes, mother? Mother: You're leaving for Illi- nois next week, dear. Janet : Yes, mother. Mother: You know how I want you to act there, don't you? Janet : Yes, mother. Mother : You heard all about Kathryn Washburn, didn't you, dear? Janet : Yes, mother. Mother: How she was rushed everything, but turned down all the sororities because she didn't want her morals to be ruined ? Janet : Yes, mother. Mother: And how she never smoked or drank, or went out with those college men ? Janet: Yes, mother. Mother: And are you going to do as Kathryn did, dear? Janet: No, mother. Mother: That's right, darling, and be sure to be nice to all the sorority girls you meet. Janet: Yes, mother. Carl Chase, touring: "This seems to be a very dangerous precipice. It's a wonder they don't put uji a warn- ing sign." Native: "\es, it is dangerous, but they kept a warning sign up for two years and no one fell over, so it was taken down. " Two sorority women, discussing a third Theta : "There's one thing you can't deny about her — she's out- spoken." Other KAT: "Not by anybody I know of." S Don Hoebel ( who was a shoe clerk once) : "What size shoe do you wear?" L nidentified member of the ad. staff: "Well, seven is my size, but eights are so comfortable I wear nines." On How to Get a Cherry Out of the Bottom of a Glass 1. Sinuously push your spoon down through the myriad particles of ice and fruit skins toward the cherry. Having reached the bottom of the gla.ss, give aforementioned spoon a forward shove. This will cause much of the ice to jump out of the glass on to the floor. Disregard that. Next, have the spoon approach the cherry cautiously, so as not to arouse the cherry's suspicions. Then make a sudden lurch. If you have not the cherry by this time, try the following: 2. Drink the lemonade, orangeade, limeade, coke, or whateverthahell is in the glass. Then take each piece of ice out of the glass, individually. Next, thrust your two longest fingers down among the fruit-peelings and work around until you encounter the cherry. After you have squashed the cherry beyond recognition, you iii/iy get it out. If not, try the following: 3. Eat all the fruit-skins in the glass. Then turn the glass upside down with the mouth toviching your lips. Give the bottom of the glass a healthy tap. The cherry will prob- ably bounce out on your nose and land on the floor. If not, and it still remains in the glass, try the following: 4. Hreak the glass. Somewhere among the shattered pieces, you will find the cherry. Rushing Number 17 HEN you come right down to it . . . mildness is the most important thing about a cigarette. For it means the definite absence of everything harsh or irritating. Try Chesterfields today. . . and you'll discover the word mildness and the word Chesterfield mean exactly the same thing. They always satisfy. . . because they're milder. © 1932, Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. 18 The SIREN NiTA rahe-K It isn't the original cost, it's the pup-keep ((Continued from Page 4) Dear Susie : What nonsense are you talking? What kind of a pin is a Ki Cy pin? Maw and I never heard tell of it afore. And what kind of work was thet which you had to do to get it? May and me are driving down tomorrey to see what you mean about this eloping business. No dater of mine is going gallavanting off with no city slicker. I think I will heve to give you a rite smart whaleing. Sincerely, Paw. As a Senior All O. K. Please send thirty dollars. Sally. Dear Susie: Maw and I wish you would write more often and tell more gossip about yerself. Be good and don't get any funny notions like you did 'bout thet Ki Cy feller last year. The crops are coming up right pert, but a might of rain would help. Maw and Brother and I will be up to school for gradiation. Sincerely, Paw. SOS BVD PDQ The telegraph office down on Green Street boasts efficiency "par excellence." They have an abundance of ready-made messages which they place beneath the glass- tops of the desks whereon you write. When you wish to let the folks at home know that you have arrived safe and sound, after your Autumn trip back to Chambana, all you have to do is choose one of the little sentiments and sign your name. Two or so hours later, ( it depends on the temperament of the delivery boy), the ones you have left behind will be cheered by your message. (Depending on which you choose) : 1. Back safe. Bought my books and am already at work. Love to Papa. (Mama, Mabel, Auntie Sara.) 2. Send twenty dollars at once. Need books. 3. Am holding down your booth in Prehn's. 4. Keep away from her. She has my pin now. 5. Say hello to the boys (girls, kiddies.) 6. Take care of yourselves. Don't do anything I would do. 7. Somehow, last semester's marks prevent me from registering. Is there job at home? 8. Tuition check no good. Send cash. Don't Miss EXCELLENT FOOD i^^znn We Deliver THE- Make a habit of stopping after the show or dance Give your date a treat Neil and Green Streets REFRESHING DRINKS Phone 2831 Rushing Number 19 It must be embarrassing tor those ten men who could understand the old Einstein theory, to read in all the papers that it was all wrong. — Cornell JVidoiv. "Hey!" cried Satan to the new ar- rival, "you act as if you owned this dump." "I do. My wife gave it to me." — Drexerd. Stranger: I represent a society for the suppression of profanity. I want to take profanity entirely out of your life and — Jones: Hey, mother. Here's a man who wants to buy our car. — Lafayette Lyre. "You tickle me, Freddie." "Gee, what a strange request." — Texas Ranger. DOLLAR BOOKS Those you've wanted to own — buy them now at one dollar — good bindings — attractive covers — ex- cellent paper and printing. Hudreds of Them Some Are Illustrated STUDENTS' SUPPLY STORE TUP I ri lTHE STUDENTS' SUPPLY STORES OP iOI South Mathews Irbana 610 East Uaniel Champaign Absent-minded sales girl (as date kisses her goodnight) : Will that be all? — Texas Battalion. That Couple Off in the Comer What everyone thinks they are saying: "Sweetheart, I'll promise to love you for ever and ever." What they are saying: "Yeah, history is hard, but I think economics is harder." — Cornell Widoii\ It seems there is some minute dis- crepancy as to whether or not. Yet it may be added that if. And then again, if so, why not? S Simile: as scarce as people on the campus who aren't selling things. Asking a modern girl for a kiss is like sneaking in a speakeasy and ask- ing for a Coca-Cola. — Alabama Rammer-Jammer. STRAUCH'S The Campus Center for Fine Stationery, Picture Framing, Greeting Cards, Gifts, Supplies STRAUCH'S At Campus — 709 South Wright 20 The SIREN Advice to the Shopworn Conducted jar the Poor Saps Who Want to Make Their House Dear Question Box: I am a blonde, baby-taced Freshman of 18. I want to make the Chi O's. How can 1 dn it? Alice. Answer : Dear Alice: I?e difficult, Alice, be difficult. ? ? ? Dear Question Box: I am kind of smart, not exactly pretty, but I wear the nicest clothes they have in the mail order catalog. My paw has lots of money. He is the banker at Pumpkin center, that is he was until the bank closed. He also runs the store there — "Eli Elton's Emporium" is the name of it. He's the Mayor too. He was elected 15 years ago, and since then they haven't been able to collect enough taxes to have another election, so Pa is still actin' as mayor. Pa is the tax collector too. Maw, she's the leader of society there. She's President of the Ladies Missionary Society. They have to let her be president because she is the only woman in town whose parlor will hold all the church women. There are fifteen of 'em all together, countin' Emma Heinsburger, but she don't get there often on account of her old man is crazy and she dasn't leave him alone. I've always been poplar with the fellers too. I've had three steady beaus all ready, and could of had another — Hiram Felder — but Pa wouldn't let me go with him be- cause his old man is a bootlegger, and it might of ruined the family socially for me to be seen out with him. So you see. Pa and Ma and me is all well bred folks and up in society, not just common country folks like you might think. And when I decided to go to college. Pa said he wanted me to be poplar and I could join one of them sororities if I wanted. Course I wanted to belong to the best and maybe you can help me to be poplar so Pa and Ma will read about me in the lUini Weekly. Thank you for your trouble. HiLn.A L.AZELLA Eltox. Answer : Dear Hilda: I'm sure you will be a wow on our cam- pus. I would advise you to go 'West Ressy with the rest of the pikers and wait your turn. Meanwhile, as Abe and I always say, study and prepare yourself, and some day youi' chance will come. ? ? ? Dear Question Box: I don't want to be a wall flower any more. I know that I don't have B. O. (body odor), halitosis (unpleasant breath), domestic hands (I use Lux), dull, sparkleless eyes (I use Murine), tar stained teeth (use Pebeco) or house- maids knee ( I have a new Johnson's electric floor mop — send for a free catalog). I took ten lessons in French. One night at a dinner party, I spoke to the v\aiter in French. They threw me out of the restaurant, and told me to never come back when I was drunk. I also took a course in ten easy piano lessons. I practised a lot. One night at a party, I planned to perform and siu- prise everyone. They laughed when I sat down at the piano — darn those form-fitting dresses. All my efforts have been hopeless, I am still unpopular. Now I am anxious to join a good sorority. Won't you please tell me how I can make one? Betty Good. Answer : Dear Betty: Meet me in Hanley's, second booth on the right, at 4 this afternoon. I'll introduce you to the Presi- dent of the Philatelic Club — that's about your speed. ■9 9 9 Advice to Gold Diggers: Take well before shaking. Rushing Number 21 ( (joiiliniii il fi(j/ii P(ii/c Ij) Oh hell! . . . Some were very, very wicked ami smoked in Prehn's and Feetlebaum's. . . . Cithers, more dar- ing spiked an occasional beer. . . . Others spiked many beers. . . . (Others were notably absent or had all the earmarks of a first-class binge on the first morning of classes. Distinctive Character and Bathtubs We always knew that college towns were different, but we never knew what made them so until we read "Problems of City Govern- ment" by one Rowe, which says on the top of page 93 "Finally, the elimination of all debasing influences completes the group of factors which give to the university sections of American cities their distinctive char- acter." Smart people, these political scientists. There was at one time a veritable "400" at Illinois, but all this has changed. It no longer requires social prestige to move in the best circles. A pint of bathtub gin will produce the same effect. About this time of the year we think of that historic telegram which Pom Sinnock sent his folks when he was a Freshman: "WAS ASKED TO PLEDGE PHI GAM WANTED TO SO DID." Babies and Betas Which strangely enough reminds us of a reiterated phrase from Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World" — "There was a pause; then the voice began again, 'I'm so glad I'm a Beta.' " There is another passage in the same book which doesn't sound as completely contented, and we believe it entitles some one to a picture in Believe It or Not, or at least an honorable mention in Thorne King's "Turnabout," as follows: "And I ic'tis so ashamed. Just think of it: me, a Beta — having a baby : put yourself in my place. . . . Though it wasn't my fault, I swear ; because I still don't know how it happened !" .AFRICA INDOCHINA AUSTRALASIA N. AMERICA BIG GAME HUNTING GEORGE G. CAREY JR. 305 N. CHARLES ST. BALTIMORE, MD. ASSOCI-ATRD WITH THOS. COOK & SON WAGONS-LITS INC. TRAVEL SERVICE moving in the hest circles" 22 The SIREN The Cinemagraph Rialto What happens when a college band leader breaks into the big- time racket? "Crooner," opening on September 29 for a three-day run is based on the lives and loves of just such popular entertainers at the night clubs. David Manners, as the crooner, rises to fame through a lucky break, but his tough luck is all his own fault. One learns from this show that crooning isn't all fan mail and evening gowns. Ann Dvorak plays the crooner's sweet- heart. George Arliss, the only actor we've never heard the students give the bird — incidentally — is starred in "A Successful Calamity," beginning October 2. He who would teach Helen Wills how to wear a monocle and to play contract in return for tennis lessons, here plays the part of a millionaire tired of the social life which his position entails. How he fakes failure in order to win back his family, and turns this same failure into a financial success makes a rip- ping good story. ^•larlene Dietrich, the "Blonde Venus," begins a four-day run in the picture of that same name on Octo- ber 9. This is the dramatic story of how she is forced to flee from a Park Avenue apartment to a second-rate Baltimore hotel — to a rooming house in Norfolk — then to a dive in New Orleans . . . until love over- takes her. It's the paradoxical story of a woman who offered a man her love as a part of a bargain, but then withheld it because it was real. Mar- lene Dietrich triumphs again in her fifth starring vehicle. The much-touted show "700,000 Witnesses" starts a three-day run on the 13th, and will make a swell Homecoming show. This will prob- ably be the most unique and hard-to- figure-out murder mystery that you've ever seen. When the flash halfback staggers and drops dead while he's making what would have been a winning run, something must be wrong! There is. And strange as this mystery is, it's entirely plausi- ble. Think you can figure it out? We'll offer you good odds that you can't — at least before the picture shows you how it was done! It features Phillips Holmes, Dorothy Jordan, Charlie Ruggles and Johnny Mack Brown. Virginia Among the shows coming to the R. K. O. Virginia in the near future is "Divorce in the Family," a drama of divorce and its effect upon chil- dren of disrupted families and wrecked homes. It's abounding in comedy amidst tense human interest sequences. Jackie Cooper, diminui- tive hero of "The Champ" plays the central, with Lewis Stone as his father and Conrad Nagel as the stepfather. Interesting locations with a scientist's camp in an Indian settle- ment, thrills of a boat wreck on a river and other interesting details are seen in the production. Then there's the ever-popular Doug Fairbanks starred in "Mr. Robinson Crusoe," a jazzed-up ver- sion of Defoe's famous classic. Doug plays the part of a young sportsman who, on a bet, undertakes to dupli- cate the life of the famous story- book character. As is to be expected, he does far more than this. Most of this picture was made on the island of Tahiti, and more than once the natives taking parts in the picture refused to accept pay for it, on the ground that they had so much fun they just couldn't accept money for it. Following this comes "Okay America," with Lew Ayres, who enacts the part of a "chatter writer" who often brings consternation to in- discreet Broadwayites who stray from the straight and narrow path, and who supplements his activities with radio broadcasts, detailing the minor transgressions of various people in the public eye. But it is when he inter- feres with the activities of kidnapping gangsters that the columnist en- counters serious trouble and the picture comes to a climax in a tragedy that is said to be so unex- pected as to leave the audience breathless. The screen production of Fannie Hurst's famous serial novel "Back Street" is also coming, featuring John Boles and Irene Dunne. You've all probably read this story of a woman who was willing to. give everything to a man who could give her no more than access to the back streets of his public life. The picture will grip you just as did the story. "Age of Consent" is a college picture that is genuinely refreshing and different. There are no football games, no sweatered romeos — it is nothing less than a truthful depiction of the deeper campus life, with its budding romances, its frustrations, noble resolves and immature nib- blings at forbidden joys. Dorothy Wilson, the sensational new find who rose from a stenographer's position in the studios, plays the lead, op- posite Richard Cromwell. Park This theatre is still following its old policy of giving first-rate pictures a second run, in order that its audi- ences can see those that they've missed. The pictures and dates are: September 26-27, Warren William and Guy Kibbee in "The Dark Horse"; 29-30, "Love is a Racket," with Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and Frances Dee; October 1, Jack Holt in "Maker of Men"; 2, James Cagney and Marion Nixon in "Winner Take All"; 3-4, "Strange Case of Clara Deane," with Wynne Gibson and Pat O'Brien; 6-7, Ed- mund Lowe and Constance Cum- mings in "Attorney for the De- fense" ; 9, George Bancroft and Wynne Gibson in "Lady and Gent"; 10-11, Richard Arlen in "Touch- down"; 12-13, Richard Dix in "The Lost Squadron"; and on October 14, Tallulah Bankhead, Paul Lukas and Charles Bickford in "Thunder Below." Riisluuii N limber 23 IlHo Crashes Through Imagine the surprise of John Rochester Ramcy, Phi Pi Phi, when he discoved a dark and handsome stranger with smartly trimmed mustachios masquerading under his name in the w. k. Illio grad section. And feature Lewis Fred Conkh'n's (Ilus) amazement to find an equally strange blond's visage in place of his own. Someone certainly must have been feeling playful, or else it was the engraver. (It is always ethical in lit'ry circles to blame everything on the engraver). Even their ac- tivities were mixed. Is nothing sacred to the Law, we ask plain- tively? And of course you read in the papers where Heaven's gift to the mini co-ed, our Football Captain and almost movie hero, Gil Berry, has with the co-operation of lovely little Winnie Flint, Pierrot Beauty Queen, committed matrimony. Ah me! So much good looks in one family ! We heard in Summer School that Gayle DuBois, the little "southern" girl from Carbondale, 111., had Gretna Greened it with Bill Mad- den, Zeta Psi. Bill was such a com- fort to us in the good old days; if we got ourselves into a so-called pipe course and found Bill still in it at the end of the week, then we knew that it was a sure nuff pipe. July Nights Mort Wilbur, aspiring leader of the Barbs, with his backless shirt . . . Chuck Frederick dancing with closed eyes at one of the Summer Prom committee's mixers . . . Bob Little dancing with his eyes wide open . . . Chuck Logan dancing with the Pify . . . and Chuck getting to look more and more like his police pup every day . . . this same Chuck along with Dangerous Dan McGrew and Little Willie Jacobs, the apart- ment boys, "socializing" — it up dur- ing the summer . . . Mike Halloran doing his haj'wire dance at every The Cineniajority Go to the ALT THEATRE R lALTO JLmi THEATRE V^ Starting Sunday, October 2 George Arliss in A SUCCESSFUL CALAMITY COMING SOON Marlene Dietrich in "Blond Venus" "70,000 Witnesses" Harold Lloyd in "Movie Crazy" SUPERIOR oJL PHOTOGRAPHS DRAWINGS PROMPT SEP VfCE G.R.GRUBB^'CO. EncfreiVGrs ngi CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS. 24 T h c SIREN Delco Batteries United Motor Service Speedometers, Generator and Starter Repairing TRICO WINDSHIELD WIPER SERVICE Clements Battery & Electric Co. 307 South Neil Street, Champaign Phone 3883 'nature in the rough is seldom mild" — ILLIO Pictures made by WEBER (On John Street) are retouched brawl he attended during the sum- mer . . . the truly deserted appear- ance of the South Campus . . . and just when Pete was off duty . . . the Gammafi apartmenters m a k i n g whoops . . . the ChiO apartmenters making whoops ... all apartmenters making whoops . . . Tex Brogden's famous remark that Summer School reminded him of the wrapping counter in a grocery store because of the great number and variety of bags. . . . Pre- Rushing Returners Sam Hill and Ernie Useman bridging in Prehn's and giving all the passing femmes the eyes . . . Bob Dwyer of the W. G. C. D. with a swell operation scar that is so long . . . Dorsey Connors back with a new paint job . . . Otto Willett hop- ping from a cab after a short spin out to California . . . where Jane did some Fauntzy diving in the Olym- pics . . . the Pi K A's out looking for a beer and a late date . . . Frink and Horsley trying to sell coffee . . . and their teammate Root playing night tennis with one of the swellest female players we have ever saw . . . and that ain't sarcasm neither. . . . Avery the Fishman Kept out of Law school by the g. d. depression we found Hank Avery, former editor of the Siren parked in his favorite booth in Prenzongreen with that far-off look in his eye. . '. . There are rumors that he has a really swell job somewhere in the offing, mebbe. . . . The Month's Worst Pun The two almost-co-eds were dis- cussing soaps. "And why, I wonder," said Sue, "do they call it Lava soap?" "Ah," replied the other, "because they use it in the lavatory." The October SIREN Homecoming Number The Mauve Decade at Illinois Campus Characatures Coke 'n Smoke Dirt Report on 'Miss America Club" Campus Calendar Special Combination Offer • THE SIREN Kor Oiif Vfar and One I'ull Year of COLLEGE HUMOR Or Nine Months Subscription to VANITY FAIR Only SUBSCRIBE NOW S Big Issues ^X 00 ■2 $770 1 THE SIREN 1 Illinois Union BIdg. 1 Champaign, 111. i 1 The offei I wish to accept is marked. My check is enclosed. j 1 n THE j COLLEGE 1 Both One \ SIREN HUMOR ear $2.70 D THE SIREN D THE SIREN j One Year $1.00 One Year j VANITY F.\1R I Nine Months $2.70 j Name 1 Street -- . _ . . i 1 Citv I State ! 1 ^1 IF YOU ALREADY HAVE A SUBSCRIPTION TO THE SIREN— SEND A COPY HOME NEVER Parched . never Toasted Camels are aliivays FRESH! SWITCH to Camels and learn the mildness of a fresh, cool-burning cigarette. A blend of choice Turkish and mellow, sun-ripened Domestic tobac- cos, Camels are never parched or toasted. That's why we say smoke them for one day, then leave them — if you can. R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company Winston-Salem, N. C. Don't remove the Camel Humidor Pack — it is pro:ection agJimt perfume and powder odors, dust and germs. Buy Camels by the carton for home or office. The Humidor Pack keeps Camels fresh @ 1932. R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company T •^«r » '' f^nP(>^. PlHBJHHn Homecoming Dance DICK CISNE and his Marvelous College Band ♦ at the PARK The Best Place in the Twin Cities DON'T MISS IT! Friday and Saturday Dances Every Week Homecoming Number Full House Mr. I'olcy: I want \oii to insert a notice, of the birtli of my twins. Reporter: Will you repeat that, sir? •Mr. Polcy: Not if I know it. — Biircmiccr. S Her father was just a failure, but boy, what a bust. — loo Doo. S Voice from passing auto: Engine trouble. Bud? Voice from parked car : No. Voice from P. A.: Tire down? Voice from P. C. : Didn't have to. Mut/lVUIIlp. S ^ (^Id lady (to street car motor- man) : "Please, Mr. Motorman, will I get a shock if I step on the track?" Motorman: "No, lady. Not un- less you put your other foot on the trolley wire." — Williti/ii's Pur pic Coiv. ■ S M\ end draws near, said the wrestler as his opponent bent him double. — B/iif (jutor. S He: "Do you love me?" She: "I love everybody." He: "Let God do that; we should specialize." — Jl'idon.-. S Fully Satisfied "Need any money?" "No." "Need a drink?" "No." "Need my tux?" "No." "Need my car?" "No." "Why not?" "Took castor oil." — Do Do. S "Say, do you think it will be all right if I ask Jane for a kiss to- night?" "You don't order rootbeer in a speakeasy, do you?" — Oicl. S City Slicker: Are those cows? Fanner Brown: Yes sir. City Slicker: Pretty, aren't they? Farmer Brown : Not unless you're a bull, mister. — Pitt Panthir. Many a motorist has put a poor girl back on her feet. — H'estcrn Reserve Red Ctit. S "I've learned," said Sarcofa Gus, the boy wonder, "that you can't eat \()ur garlic and still have it." — Cornell College Ollapod. S "This is going to be stunning," said the iron worker as he slipped on the twelfth story. — Ohio State Sun Dial. Snob: "I don't associate with my inferiors, do you?" Other girl: "1 don't know, 1 never met any of your inferiors." — Reseri'e Ret (Jnt. s "A little bit of this goes a long way, " said the stenographer as she .spit her gum out of the forty-second story window. S Ringmaster: "Who broke that trapeze?" Acrobat: "I did. Mister, with ni\ little acts." S "Joe is the worst bridge fiend 1 know." "Yeah, he even walks with a shuffle." She (suspiciously) : "You certain- 1\ don't act like I am the first girl you ever kissed." He (suspiciously): "How do you know?" "You say he alwa\s marries for money .' "Yeah, he's a minister." S Nur.se: "It is triplets, sir." Father: "I can hardly belie\e my o«n census!" Then there was the man who didn't mind looking after the horses, but objected to being called a hostler, so they called him a stabilizer. S "I hurt my crazy-bone!" "What's the matter — bump \'our head?" S R. O. T. C. officer (to student) : "Well, speak up. How do you want your uniform, too large or too small?" S "Have you ever had a lesson by correspondence ?" "Yes. I ne\er write to girls any- more." One: "Shall we toiu' Europe in our Ford this summer?" The other: "Naw, them Frogs and Huns wouldn't understand the jokes on it." S A highbrow is one who pretends to know whether the dancer is inter- preting a moonbeam or a cow an- no\ed by hornets. "I shall never do anything finer than that," exclaimed the artist as he displa\ed his latest painting. His friend replied, "Cheer up, old man; don't give up hope!" Co-ed: I think I ought to go home now. B. F.: What? While the eve- ning is still a pup? The SIREN S I R E N 'S Homecoming Number Homecoming Number Volume XXIII, Homecomano Number Octorer, 1932, No. 2 t'ARl, J. niESER : Editor-in-Chi,-; WILLIAM A. ZOELLER .". Business Manayer EniTORiAi. Staff Odiuilil F. Mulvihill Issociate Editor Wilfred J. Brogden Offirr Manaijir CJerald McGrcw John La Sell Carl Foreman Nita Ramey If Oman's Editor Miriam Van Buskirk Exi/iani/f Editor Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day Lucille Cole Winnie Haslam Lillian Stantnrd Lynn Pierce ^rt Editor Jane Faiintz -Issoiiate Art Editor n. M. Meskimen Issislanl .Irl Editor H. Samuel Kruse Ted Parmelee Evelyn Lantz Florentia Metzger Adeline Cross Julie McHalc Bctt> Ross Business Staff Diinald Faulkner Id-vrrtisini) Manager II. H. Otten Assistant .Idvi-rlisin// Manaijfr i larley Stiehl Cir( illation Manayir Murray Shrader (^opy Manayir Elaine Oeidell Office Manayer Shelby Simmons Collection Manayer .Assistants Betty (Joby, Doris Frazin, Seymour Hershnian, Lillian Saltzman Published monthly bj' the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illi- nois, durinji the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Office at Ui-bana, Jllinois. by act of Congress, March J, l,S/9. Office of publication. Illini Publishing ("omp;niy. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Address all communications, Illinois Union Building. Champaign. Illinois. Copyright. 1932, by The Siren. Kxclusive reprint right granted to QsllgeHumOr magazine. The SIREN The Mauve Decade at Illinois As Told By E M E R Y STANFORD HALL '94 It's about this time of the year that one finds little groups of alums forming on street corners and around fire- places — telling story after story of 'way back when. We've heard them for three years now, and decided to get to the bottom of the matter by playing Diogenes, finding an honest old grad, and learning what really happened in the gay '90's. Emery Stanford Hall, now a state architectural examiner, once told us this story, and with his permission we're pass- ing it on. — Ed. note. While the students of the University today may not differ materially from those of nearly forty years ago, their contacts and experiences are naturally different from those they would have had in an age of mule-drawn cars, celluloid collars, club-headed canes and flowing beards. I remember the first morning that I attended chapel — which was then held in the east wing of Uni Hall on the second floor — at that time the President arose and announced very gravely that the University had reached the astounding proportions of nearly five hundred students! That was in 1889, when I entered as a "prep," or sub-undergraduate in the academy, which had its class rooms in the basement of Uni Hall, which was the University at this time. Regular classes were taught on the second and third floors, while the liter- ary societies, which ruled the campus — had their rooms on the fourth floor. There were corn fields all about what now comprises the campus, and paved streets were unheard of. This was before the time of trolley cars, but we had a University Route car — two of them, as a matter of fact — and both pulled by mules. The drivers suited the cars perfectly. One was an old cynic, the other a jolly fellow; both were heavily bearded. These cars followed the old Boneyard route to downtown Champaign, crossing the little stone bridge that still stands on the northwest corner of the park on Second street. It was a common occurrence for these cars to become so crowded with students that additional passengers were forced to climb on the roof. More than once one of these passengers rolled of? the front of the car down between the mules, but no one was ever hurt, as the wheels were so large that the car passed right over them. There was a story current when I was a student that one night one of the cars was packed to standing capacity when it went off the track just as it was passing over a small embankment. It rolled down, ending with its wheels in the air. It was claimed that the students were so tightly packed that not a man even as much as fell down. During every man's senior year he was required to give his "senior oration" in the chapel. It was one of these that started the brief but hectic careers of the color rushes. As each class entered the University, it chose a set of colors which would be \vorn by the class for the next four years, by the girls as a sort of decoration on their shirtwaists, and by the men loosely knotted through the buttonholes of their lapels. It was an unheard of thing for the members of one class to wear the colors of another, but one of the seniors must have heard of the idea somewhere, for when he de- livered his oration, he wore the freshman colors in his lapel! Homecoming Numher Not a person stiireJ dming the entire oration. There was brief applause at its conclusion, then e\eryone filed out. As soon as the speaker stepped into the hallway a dozen freshmen pounced upon him, tore off their colors, and pro- ceeded to gi\e him a licking. Then some seniors dashed to his rescue, some freshmen jumped to their classmates' rescue — and in less than two minutes L ni Hall was a seething mass of tangled arms and legs, from the fouith floor to the ground outside. One bulky senior had just whipped a group of frosh, and was dashing out of the south entrance of L'ni when he spied another. He made a flying tackle at him, downed him, and was just going to administer a little iiunishment, when a pair of arms caught him around the waist and began to pull him off. Without looking up, he turned around, butted the would-be rescuer in the stomach, downed him, and was just getting ready to bounce his head on the ground when he became aware of a long beard in his face. He looked up at the face of his opponent — his geology pro- fessor! The senior gave a gasp, dashed to the registrar's office, got a transcript of his credits, telegraphed them to Harvard, hopped the first train east, and graduated with flying colors — the Harvard colors. . . . But the sequel to the story is more interesting, if not so exciting. The fellow returned after his graduation, to take graduate work under this same professor. Neither ever said a word concerning the escapade until one afternoon when the t\\'o were walking along the street together. "You know," said the professor suddenly, "there was really no need for you to have transferred to Harvard. As soon as you hit me in the stomach I realized that I was a meddling old fool and that it served me right!" Not only did I see the beginning and ending of the color rushes during my career at Illinois, but also the very peak of those gala affairs known as the Freshman Socials. Tr\ and imagine giving a class party, knowing ail the time that it will cither be broken up or become a seige against upper- classmen — particularly sophomores, naturally all the guests were in a peculiar state of mind at these affairs. But per- haps I should digress a little. These socials were given by the freshman class and were regular mixed parties. There were always a great number of uppercla.ssnuMi at these affairs, due to the fact that the men outnumbered the women greatly, and in order to have enough to go around the freshmen were forced to seek their |iartners out of their own group. For some reason or otiier it was the solemn duty of the sophomores — who were sometimes aided by upperclassmen- — to break up these freshmen socials. The first one I remem- ber was a comparatively tame affair. It was held in a second floor meeting hall in downtown Urbana. The freshmen thought everything was going a little too well . . . until they left to go home. Then they found that the sophomores had procured a barrel of molasses which they had poured over all the stairs leading down from the hall. And the molasses in those days was very thick, the barrels were very large, and the sophomores had poured it on deeply. Everyone had a grand time. The next year the freshman and sophomore classes formed an alliance — an unheard of thing — and gave a social together in Danville, chartering a train for the occasion. There wasn't anything very exciting about that social, but there was bound to be a lot of trouble the next year for the incoming class, which would have combined sophomore and junior classes against them — just as the juniors and seniors had been against the combine. I know of only one lick that the upperclassmen got in at the freshman that year. One of the frosh had a date with a sophomore town girl, who was unfortunate enough to have a jiuiior brother. The frosh called for the girl on the ^^^,^,,, ^^....>..S....&..g. ...r....^.A- -r ^^rT^-^^^^^^^^-s^ The SIREN evening of the social, fully arrayed in his Prince Albert, but she wasn't ready. He waited. Then he waited some more. Finally he yelled up to her that they'd miss the train to Danville if she didn't hurry. Then she came running down the stairs, dashed by him, grabbed her coat, and ran out of the door ahead of him. He followed, and just as he was g")ing down «-.he steps of the porch an entire washtub full of water came pouring down over him. The sopho- mores and juniors in that family had combined. But she was punished, for he sat next to her in his dripping suit all the way to Danville, perhaps unaware that he was punishing a culprit. The next year the freshmen were faced with a real problem, for the combined sophomore and junior classes were against them. If they held the social anywhere within the limits of the Twin Cities they would undoubtedly be annihilated. What could they do? Some of them finally decided that the proper place to hold the social would be in Paxton. Plans were then made for the social, keeping its location a dead secret. All that anyone knew was that they were to board a certain train at a certain place, and it would take them to the proper destination. Even the engineer of the train was to start under sealed orders, and was not to open them until he was a certain distance out of town. But the freshmen had not figured on G. Hufif and his far-famous sophomore gang which came into existence at about that time. Incidentally, G. Huf? was not only the leader of the gang, but also its chief chemist, instigator and all else that was unholy and dear to the heart of the maraud- ing sophomore. Somehow or other the gang found out about the sealed orders, changed them to read in such a manner that a small town south of here was the destination, and then saw that they were delivered to the engineer on the night of the social. Then a few of the gang climbed onto the coal car of the train as it pulled out of the Twin Cities, in order to help make the social a howling success. They certainly had a great deal of nerve to do this, for the car was open, and the weather was far below zero. Everything turned out fairly well in the end, however, for someone discovered the error, turned the train around, and landed the party in Paxton instead of Tolono, where the sophomores had wished it to go. G. Huff's gang did get m a little dirty work, however, for when the frosh arrived at the hall someone had already tossed a few stench bombs into the place just for atmosphere. I believe the last social in history was held in my fresh- man year — at least the last one in which this rivalry played such a big part. That year it was to be held in a hall on the third floor of a furniture store in downtown Cham- paign. There was only one narrow stairway leading up to the place, which offered the freshman protection in one way, but a big hindrance was later found in the fact that there was a building next door with a roof that was just slightly higher than the windows of the hall. (Please Turn to Paye 16) Homecoming Number Egbert on The • • Or The Perils Of The Press ( For the first of this series our dear readers will find the Siren for October of great interest, containing as it does EGBERT PEABODY GOES TO COLLEGE or BEING PLEDGED TO BETA.) We last saw Egbert Peabody at the Beta hotel, manfully declaring that he would throw in his lot, having no house, with the merry lads on Daniel. He soon was engrossed with registering and buying things from cute maidens and persuasive males who pressed upon him Sillios. Hospital as- sociation memberships (''Let the L'niversity take care of your hospital bill.") He joined the latter even though the kind old man at the Health station had said after he was examined, ''The situation is not alarming." The Kappa Phi Theta pledge lured him into buying the year-book from her room-mate. Egbert had but little left when books were bought and he settled down to work for the semester. Already he had gone out for football but he dropped this as he would not be able to play directly under Mr. Zuppke until he was no longer a freshman, a state which might last quite some time. And, besides, the boys at the house thought that football was too undignified for Beta. When they heard that Egbert did not want to become a senior manager in his final year (see "Lives of Great Betas," Vol. XIH. Schn to Schn), they suggested the Illini to him. Now all that Egbert knew of the Illini was that they were "a great and noble tribe of red-men who lived on the banks of the Boneyard" (see "The Illini Trail," now show- ing at your local theater). But Fred Clark took him in hand and showed him the basement of Uni Hall. That was really enough to shock any freshman, but Clark went farther, — he took Egbert into that terrible place in the basement of the Union building. He knew at once that this place would hold him with horrible fascination. Many an afternoon he would creep in there to look at the men and women engrossed in business. What a contrast they were to the noisy folks in the back of the basement who laughed at their own jokes! It was said that these put out a humor publication, but Egbert had never seen it, if it existed. It was called the Siren. But the only siren Egbert was interested in was the Kappa Phi pledge. Perhaps that was why he liked the Jllini. so many Kappa Phis were on the staff; one really can- not say they worked there. Was it possible, thought Egbert, that Nevada street stimulated journalism? When Hortense, for that was her name, became a sophomore, she too would be on the Illini. Egbert could hardly wait. Like all Illini men, however, Egbert found waiting difficult and, for that matter, unnecessary. And so, one day he fell. He asked an Independent woman to coke with him. That was bad enough, but when she suggested Renard's, he should have been wary. This incident occurred shortly after the Jackass party had accused the Clothes Line party of stealing the election, though why anybody should want the thing, Egbert couldn't see. All went nicely as the two sipped their cokes and talked of life as only underclassmen can. Little did Egbert care that he had a story to get by three, nor did she care that numerous advertisers should be called. No one could have anticipated the shock Egbert was to receive that day. Non- chalantly he pulled out his cigarettes. No, they were not Murads. "Smoke?" he said casually, as he had heard Bob Stiven drawl. "No," she smiled, "I don't smoke." Leaving Egbert to recover from his swoon, we ask our dear readers to wait with bated breath the next episode, EGBERT MAKES THE TEAM or WHAT PRICE FOOTBALL? A salesman was demonstrating a new model of a car to a prospective customer. He took him out on a highway to demonstrate its speed and breaking power. "Do you see that piece of paper on the road down there?" he asked of the customer. "Well, I'll step it up to forty, jam on my brakes when I get within fifty feet, and stop dead over the paper." He stepped it up. then jammed on the brakes, and sure enough, he was right over the paper. "Fine," said the customer. "And now," said the salesman feeling encouraged, "Do you see that train moving across the road up there? Well, I'll step it up to sixty up to within eighty feet of that train, and stop dead within fifteen inches of the cars." His client held his hat as the salesman speeded the car faster and faster. As he drew near to the train he jammed on the brakes, and sure enough, he stopped within fifteen inches of the train. "What do you think of that?" he asked. The customer mopped his forehead. "Fine. Now would you mind stopping over that piece of paper again?" The SIREN Homecoming Alums who were the Sammy Keyes and the Bob Little's of their day who can't understand how the new methods get any one a job. . . . Freshmen, fresh from rushing and being the center of attraction, who discover that now they are merely another bed for some decrepit alum of 30 or so . . . sorority girls who can't understand where the house got all those crocks, and alums who can't understand why the house gets all these crocks . . . Loud murmurs from every street corner of "Hello, you old horse-face! Remember the time we " . . . Bright-eyed sorority pledges with honeyed, plead- ing voices who query in hopeful fashion, "Have you bought your homecoming badge yet? . . . Frater- nity pledges griping about how tha hell do they expect a guy to sleep on these stone davenports, when a day or so before they broke furni- ture to get them to stretch out in solid comfort. . . . Illinois with her magic pull of friendship and fellowship through the years. . . . The thrill of being back on the old stamping ground. . . . Tired business men who try to for- get worries in the old devil-may-care atmosphere of their college days . . . a campus whose maples are turning gold beneath a sky so purely blue that it leaves an ache in your throat. . . . Thousands and thousands of people wandering around in cars plastered with stickers and blankets trying to find a place to park. . . . Prehn's and Kamerer's and Hanky's crammed with alums who coke and smoke and try to bring their own "Joeing" days. . . . Strange Interlude Well, dear little people, I suppose that by now you have all heard of the lovely Faux Pas that a certain Gene Morris of Sigma Kappa made. In case you haven't, here it is: A couple of weeks ago. Gene packed her bag preparatory to going home to her sister's wedding. She had never seen the boy who was to drive her home, but as he was to come and ring her "buzzer," she was sure that all would be well. (Time out while 1 meditate on irony of fate.) As the hour for Gene's departure drew nigh, a pledge (not the aforementioned S. K. pledge), asked her to get a blind date for her. Gene obliged, and presently her buzzer buzzed, or whatever it is that buzzers do, and our heroine tripped blithely down the stairs. Seeing the young man standing there, she waltzed toward him and asked, "Are you ready?" The young man nodded his head vigorously backward and forward, evidently signifying that he was. "Well just a minute then until I get my suit case," Gene murmured sweetly, "and I'll be right with you." A perfectly normal statement — was it not? But it electrified the young man. In fact it did all sorts of things to him. He finally managed to remark, "Well, I'm certainly get- ting in for more than I expected ! When you asked me to come over tonite, I hardly anticipated this — mebbe (this more hopefully) I should go back home and get my _ toothpaste." But ah, dear reader, by \ now you have probably guessed the complications and I need not go on — but I do believe that Gene reached her sister's that night. Preferred Rushing Rumor hath it that a certain fresh- man walked into a wk. fraternity house and addressed the assembled brethren like this: "Boys, you've got a fine house here, a nice bunch of boys, and I'd like to pledge your fraternity." Of course, the boys were properly shocked and looked askance. "Really, you know, a thing like this isn't done." "I know," said the lad, "but my dad thinks it's a good house. Why, he even made a check out to you boys, thinking that I might be pledged." 1 Homecoming Number Not being mercenary, the fraters only looked at the check to see the amount which was $500. Rumor hath it further that the lad was pledged and that the house president does the boy's pledge duties for him. (No, Arabella, it was not at the Beta hotel.) Kingfish Oh, and we did hear the most tragic thing about Kingfish Karnes! Bill, you know, is a Senior and Editor of the lllio. Well, it seems that good old Bill broke down the other day, after all these years of re- sistance, and pledged Phi Gam. Now here's the point! Kingfish feels he has been gypped and he theatens, in a most determined manner, to break his pledge. And why? The Spot wearing rule has been abolished — and Bill did so love those Spots. With all this talk about the re- cent election, both laudatory and de- rogatory, why doesn't someone get wise to himself and run away with the ballot-box? We have heard tell around these parts that the lllio office isn't what it is painted to be — or is it? At any rate, it does have its moments when it turns its attention to the Beauty Parlor business, with the art of massaging leading in popularity. Ask Elsie Minier. And speaking of Elsie! Her Bus Law Prof asked her the other day what she would think about being sent after a criminal, and our sweet, shy, little girl said she didn't wanna go man-hunting. An interesting story of an event which occurred last June has just come to light. Last year's Illini re- call the series of robberies which were terrorizing the feminine Greek Houses last Spring. Well, it seems that on one particular night, the POP's felt they were warranted in believing a man was in their house. So they called the Police. Most of the girls were in bed, and when John Law strode into the dorm, there was an audible number of shrieks. "What is it?", qua\cred (jwen, house-man- ager, fearing nothing less than that a tribe of elephants had come down upon them (or do elephants pal around in tribes) ? "It's a man," someone breathed. "Oh," responded Gwen in a relieved tone — then with more spirit — "Well's, if there's a man in this Dorm, dibs on him. ' We pause to wonder just how nuich lllio work gets done during those cornfield conferences which the Editor and the Woman's Business Manager indulge in. At last we have found the end of the long list of Smiths. While motor- ing in the East this summer, we met a man whose name was Finis Smith. And did you hear about the wealthy alum who bore down on the Theta Xi House this year en famille? It seems that he wished to obtain board and lodging for the year at the hands of his brethren. Well, the brothers thought it over, and they decided that they couldn't have him because his baby would be a nuisance — but they heartily agreed that his wife was O. K. Worms When Sarge Hire, TKE, dis- covered he had the distasteful malady commonly known as ringworm he hied himself to the w. k. Health Service for treatment. Those in the know advised him to soak his feet an hoiu' each evening in hot salt water. When the ailment did not respond to treatment Sarge returned to the medico and learned through an examination that salt water on the feet will not cure ringworm on the chest. The Thetas haven't had any fresh- men homecoming stunts that went over as big as Jane Fauntz's hida dance — in original costume — with six alum husbands beating time out in the hall. Sally Fulton, Theta rushing chairman, impressed a lot of rushees by saying, as they left, "Good bye, so much !" (Please Turn to Page 18) LP The SIREN POEM TO OCTOBER SIREN'S October Almanac Montli of pledyc and harvest dances Month of summer's lost rnmarifes Month ivhith for a hirlhstone has The softly f/loiuinf/ tjold topaz Month of six iveeks grades and quizzes Pledges tearful doivncast phizzes Month of gingerbread and eider Pumpkin pie (/ can't abide 'er) hi the Series Cubs and Yankees Strong men iveep, babes tear their hankies. Burning leaves and Jack-o-lanlern Playful ivinds that make a man turn To chase his hat or vieiv with ease .1 pair of dainty dimpled knees Month of raccoon coals and pennants Chrysanthemums and neiv lieutenants Month of Illinois Homecoming Old A', r. ii'ill take a drumming All alums luill bring their liquor Some get sick and others sicker '36 'will gii'e up beds A'o place for their iveary heads Month of playful pranks in frat clubs Honorary this and that clubs Month that ends ivith Halloive'en ITonder ivho ivill be Prom Qucenf Homecoming Number 11 October— Please keep sober Sa. 1 — Goe and Miami at Illinois — Hebrew New Year (Rosh Hashanah), Su. 2 — Jean Galloway's Feminine Band — Organ Recital at Smith Memorial hall. Mo. 3 — Glasses as usual, Tu. 4 — Illinois' band rests up for Bradley encounter. We. 5 — Probably rain (This item may be substituted for any other on menu.) Fri. 7 — Fish for Phi Kappa and Theta Phi Alpha, also all other houses on campus. Sa. 8 — Bradley at Illinois — Boy Scout Day. Su. 9— Organ Recital at Smith' Memorial Hall. Mo. 10 — Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur) 75% of student body takes holiday. Tu. 11 — Hoover and Roosevelt both confident of easy victory — also Zuppke. We. 12 — Golumbus sailed the ocean blue to make a holiday for you. Th, 13 — Gan we help it if the University doesn't believe in Golumbus? Fri. 14 — Full moon — "Arrive noon tomorrow get two tickets on 50 yard line." Sa. 15-HOMEGOMING. Su. 16 — Headache. Mo. 17 — Debit: 1 topcoat, 1 derby, 1 muffler, 1 self-respect — credit: 1 empty gin bottle. Tu. 18 — Semi-annual Sigma Kappa fire, 1900-1932. We. 19 — Pumpkin pie. Th. 20 — Deadline for return of badge taken last spring. Fr. 21 — Get out red flannels. Sa. 22 — Michigan at Ann Arbor. Su. 23 — 465 mini miss train for Ghampaign. Mo. 24 — 742 students decide to study. Tu. 25 — Sergei RachmaninolT, pianist. Star Gourse. We. 26 — Fair, rain or snow. Th. 27 — Sig Alph plumbing goes hay wire, showers at Kappa Sigma 10c per. Fr. 28 — Statue of Liberty unveiled 1886 — housing problem for sparrows solved. Sa. 29 — Ghicago at Ghicago, 100% of student body goes home to sleep. Su. 30 — Twenty-five days until Thanksgiving, fifty days till Ghristmas. Mo. 31— Hallowe'en. 12 The SIREN CAMPUS Ch PAUL PREHN— Who is perhaps tlie best known man about the campus, who has been welcoming Home- comers for many years, whose name is the basis for campus slang, who has made the coke an institution. dre ADELI MARJ MORRISO N— W h o is woman's editor of the Daily Illini, president of Theta Sigma Phi, and be- longs to Mortar Board, Kappa Tau Alpha and AOPi, but cannot spell battalion, and is either too modest or too quiet to be as well known as she should be. BRUCE WEIRICK Who will be one of the goals of many Home- comers, who has more friends among faculty and students than anyone else we know, whose lectures are a com- bination of wisdom and a three-ring circus, because he has written a book that is a pleasure to read, whose trademark is a cigarette. Homecoming Number 13 RACATURES 3y :ross THE BERRYS— Gil, who is captain of the fighting lUini this season after several years of brilliant playing, and is a member of Tribe of Illini and Phi Delta Theta, as well as being the famous example that star athletes do not have smashed noses and cauli- flower ears. THE BERRYS— Winnie, who was voted Pierrot beauty queen without the aid of a stuffed ballot-box, who is an actress of charm and note, who is the other half of the most handsome couple on campus. ASH BARBER Who is identified by his broad grin, who will come in contact with most of us as Intramural Manager, who is a member of Sachem and Ma-Wan-Da, Theta Tau, Dol- phins, Athletic Council, and a director of the "Y." 14 The SIREN THEN • AND • NOW College Life in These Degenerate Days What Dear Old Dad Thinks After Reading Magazines, Seeing Movies, and Hearing Things. The presumptuous luxuries; the palatial hotels; oh for the simple comforts of a state capital ; the slinky roadsters, the five-minute stroll to class; the snobbish, intolerant upper- classmen, the timid frosh. The saintly pink Hell Week; the passing of the spot; the awful iniquities — drinking shel- lack, overnight bags, co-eds smoking, swearing, being lead astray by Sig Pis or leading Betas astray, the jazz-mad, A-crazed mob of collegians. The synthetic blondes — hi-de-hi. Butch. The overwhelming size of the institution, if \ou know who sits next to you in class you're either a politician or a Messiah; the complete lack of college spirit; the snobbery and isolation ; the Methuselah deans, the movie hero atha- lete, and the chorus-beauty co-ed. These are the days of the house-dance brawls, the dance committee graft, the se- ductive formals, the cokensmoke racket, and a spoon for every lime phos. I'ln your bag in rough crepe and smooth satin with "yoo-hoo" lines; and you're my date in Klassy Kut Klothes. Do you remember when we played drop the handkerchief with my last year's formal ? Oh what smoothies we are. Everyone looks like one of John Held Jr's younger generation caricatures. College Life in the Good Old Days The privations; the drafty primitive dwellings, fore- runners of the modern palatial Greek hostelry, in which lived the pioneers of our social system ; the old Boneyard trail — visions of determined seekers after education chop- ping their way through underbrush, breaking ice, skating to class on the beloved stream, onward, ever onward, al- ways following the Boneyard, only to end up at the Chem building — ah me. The real he-man hazing; the class battles ; the good clean fun — walking on gables, painting the w. k town the w. k. red, philosophizing over good beer like gentlemen, abandoning cows up in the Chime Tower. The days when the size of the institution was just right, neither too small for comfort nor too large for class parties; the genuine pre-war school spirit; the good-fellowship — think of actually making the acquaintance of that smooth babe in your psych quiz. Them were the days of the dance clubs, the chafing dish, fudge brawls the Gibson girl, the starched blouse. When you were my gentleman friend in a turtle-neck, peg tops, and that devilish pipe; and I was your dream girl with pompadour, slim waist, bust and all. Do you remember how we made a lovely tent out of my P. E. bloomers for our expeditions to the Forestry? Oh what rounders we were. Everyone looked like one of John Held Jr's hand-knit samplers. Homecoming Number 15 Nickel Game Have you ever played the game of identifying people by the five senses? If not, you're 'way behind the times, and you ought to learn it now. because it's all the rage. All you do is name the flower, smell, sound, touch and taste which remind you of a certain person, and someone else is sup- posed to guess whom you are referring to. Try the fol- lowing: Flower — Firecrackers. Smell — Gunpowder. Sound — Rat — tattat — tat. Touch — Smooth steel. Taste — Raw meat. Jl Capone Flower — Lily. Smell — "Breath of Spring." Sound — A lisp. Touch — "The skin you love — '" Taste — Double chocolate marshniallow pecan sundae. Any A. K. L. Flower — Smoke weed. Smell — Gasoline. Sound — Rattle rattle. Touch — Tin. Taste — "Oh, Henrv." Henry Ford Flower — Pansy. Sound — "I'm a Beta." Touch — No response. Taste — Awful. A Beta Theta Pi Flower — Forget-Me-Xot. Smell — Never got that close. Sound — "Prosperity." Touch — Ten per cent of his salary to charity. Taste — Moderate. Herb Hoover Flower — Tipsy Weed. Smell — Liquor. Sound — Repeal the 18th amendment. Touch — Glass bottles. Taste — Not bad. Franklin Roosevelt NOTE "Now," said the super-salesman, "this instrument turns green if the liquor is good — red if it is bad." "Sorry, but I'm color blind." apologized the prospect. Other Reasons Mark Antony made two famous speeches. One was at Caesar's grave when he said, "I come here to bury Caesar, not to praise him." The other was at Cleopatra's tent at midnight, "I didn't come here to talk," he said. — .\ otrc Dame Juggler. Certainly Mother (on entering the room unexpectedly) : "Well I never — " Daughter: "Oh. mother, you must have." ■ — OivL S Big Job First \Iountaineer: "Wal. I see where Jake's wife had another datter." Second Mountaineer: "Yes. that makes six. Reckon hell get a double-barrel if he wants t' get 'em all married." — Sniper. Southern Hospitalit> Los Angeles was crowded to its boundaries. Olympic spectators had filled every hotel and rooming-house in the city. Not a room was available, but the young college stu- dent had to find a place to sleep that night. He had worked hard, trying to sell to the huge crowd, and he was thorough- ly exhausted. "Anything will do," he said to a hotel clerk. "I can let you have a cot in the ballroom." replied the clerk, "but there is a lady in the opposite corner, and if you don't make any noise she'll be none the wiser." "Fine," said the tired man, and into the ballroom he went. Five minutes later he came running out to the clerk. "Say," he cried, "that woman in there is dead !" "I know it," was the answer. "But how did vou find out: — Pune/i Boii.1. "Got anything with a gong on it?' -Juggler. Armour Man, very hoarse with cold, not able to talk above a whisper, knocks at doctor's home at night time and the Doc's wife comes to the door. "Is the doctor at home? " Wife, also in whisper: "No. come in." — Kitty Kat. S A professor, coming to one of his classes a little late, found a most uncomplimentary caricature of himself drawn on the board. Turning to the student nearest to him. he angrily inquired: "Do you know who is responsible for that atrocity?" "No. sir. I don't." replied the student, "but I strongly suspect his parents." — Voo Doo. The SIREN The Mauve Decade at Illinois (Continued jruin Piie/c 6) Ry the time that the frosh arrived the sophomores on the next door roof had already tossed a few stench bombs into the place, and as soon as larger groups arrived the sophomores used a little of G. Huff's technique and tossed in some tear gas bombs. Soon the entire group was in tears. Then a group of the freshmen thought of a large carpet sales room on the second floor, took their dates to this room, and retiuned upstairs to do battle with the sophomores. At this time some other freshman and myself determined to see the fun upstairs. We put on our over-coats, turned up the collars, pulled our hats over our faces, and calmly walked up. After four years of these affairs we had learned that by not rubbing our eyes we could successfully endure tear gas for quite some time. We found that the upper room was almost entirely deserted by this time, and a large group of the freshmen as well as women had taken refuge in the carpet sales room. Then a group of sophomores tried to rush the freshman stronghold. Every time they tried to mount the stairs the freshmen would throw chairs upon them and beat them unmercifully. The sad part was that the sophomores coidd not re- taliate, for there was a code of war between the classes which forbade the sophomores doing anything more than merely pulling the freshmen away from the door. If this rule was violated G. Huff would promptly sit on the sopho- more until he changed his mind. By this time the street outside was filled with townspeople trying to get an occa- sional glimpse of the fray. Soon the scrap became so nois\' that the mayor of Champaign put in a personal appearance, and put an end to the fun. The sophomores had one more chance during my career to make use of their tear gas. Bill Powell was giving his senior oration one evening. Known as the foremost humorist on the campus, a large crowd had gathered to hear him. Because of the muddy streets everyone was forced to wear large rubbers that evening, and a certain group determined to capitalize on this. They filled small glass vials with tear gas, glued them between the heel and sole of their rubbers, and then cautiously walked into the chaptel on tiptoe. Bill began his speech, and soon had the audience con- vulsed. Then the sophomores began their dirty work. Every time he cacked a joke several of them would place their feet on the chair in front of them and crush the tear gas vial on the rungs. Powell noticed nothing wrong for some time, but then he became aware that his jokes were pro- ducing tears instead of laughter. Then he himself began to cry. That was the last big event of that nature during my five years at old Illinois. During this time I saw the rise and fall of all these traditions, as well as the inception of some that were to last for many years to come. Although all that happened nearly forty years ago, the events were all so vivid that no one mixed up in them could ever forget them. Judging by some of the late occurrences on the cam- pus 111 say again that the students today don't differ ma- terially from those of my time. What's that? Did we have more fun ? Well, we had a pretty good time. In Old Kaintucky It was back in the early days that Zeke and Effie packed their belongings into an ox-cart and lit out for the big city, determined to give up farm life in Kentucky. After quite a long trip they arrived, moved into a small home on the outskirts of the town . . . and well, anyhow, there they were. . . . As soon as they had finished unpacking Zeke told Effie that he thought that he'd go out and look over the town. He wandered through the town, and finally came to a rail- road crossing. Just then a train came by — the first Zeke had ever seen — nearly frightening the life out of the old mountaineer. He ran home as fast as he could, burst into the building and yelled, "Pack up Effie, we're a'goin' back ter Kaintucky!" "But why?" said Etlie. "We just got here." "Dawgonnit, the place ain't safe. I jest seen a big black thing come through this town goin' at a terrible clip, and if it bed bin goin' sideways we would all he\' bin wiped out!" Homecoming Number 17 Uoure m/ma iy\^ mei^re/f/uaer/ If your cigarette is mild — that is, not strong, not bitter, but smokes cool and smooth — then you like it. If your cigarette tastes right; if it tastes better — that is, not oversweet; and if it has a pleasing aroma — then you enjoy it the more. Everything known to Science is used to make Chesterfield Cigarettes milder and taste better. The right kinds of leaf tobacco — American and Turkish — are blended and cross-blended. That's why "They Satisfy." 1932, Lir.c.ETT & Myers Tobacco Co. The SIREN When Looking for a Good Place to Eat Gome to the Inman Coffee Shop 35c to 60c Breakfast Specials 35c to 60c Luncheon Entree 75c to 90c Table d' Hote Dinner A la Garte Service at All Meals SPEGIAL SUNDAY DINNERS Private dining rooms for meetings and dinners THE INMAN HOTEL Champaign's Finest Hotel on Routes 10, 35, 30, U. S. 45 (Continutd from Page 9) We'll bet that no affair has ever been the nine days wonder that the Parrish-Owen pin escapade has been. At least every six people that you meet know for certain who gave whom the air and why! We bet it's a publicity stunt to work up trade for the games this fall, seein' as how Red is Captain. Wonder if the Chio Trio will sing between halves? When the proprietress of a popular college "Beah Gahden" was asked about a certain politician, she said she was sorry but she had to throw him out — he kept yelling Whee every few minutes 1 He must have been — (fill in Old Line or Mule to taste.) Five struggling members of the mini staff got in a dance place on Bob Dwyer's pass T'other evening. Can it be that the tall curly-haired one isn't recognized immediately? Or can the World's Greatest College Daily boast a staff with a gift of gabb ? Freddie Siebert frankly confesses that he intends to drive his Jour- nalism 19 class nuts with his outside reading. Now we ask you what chance have the poor stewdents? He requests nice, orderly, one-track minds so he can muss 'em up ! So that's what marriage can do to a usually good egg! And have you noticed the new partition down in the Illio office? They tell the story, in those parts, that Bill Karnes couldn't work be- cause the Woman's Business Man- ager worked right across from him, and her legs showed beneath the desk — need I say more? Don't sign up for Professor Dolch's Ed. Psych, class if your fiancee is going to be in the same course, because he announced today that he wanted no engaged couples to sit together, as sexual attraction did not work as a favorable element in the learning of how to teach the young. There will be no competition in the lUio ofHce for Ruth Dalrymple if she has anything to do with it — which she has. Some Joan Crawford fan put up a picture of his idol right next to Daly's desk the other day — and the picture has now disappeared. The Army Game A certain Jules, Lambda Chi Alpha, has it very, very easy down here. He dates a Colonel's daughter and has room free at the fond papa's house — and that ain't all. Said papa gives little Jules the family car to do his business (whatever nature it may be) in. Pretty soft, what? While carting an oversized rushee about the living room a prominent ADPi inadvertently stepped on the crock's foot. The active apologized, but was completely floored by the freshman's coy remark, "Oh think nothing of it! I'm often awkward myself." So and so at the Gammafibeta hovel was the surprised recipient of a box containing little pink pretties and a bottle of something or other this last summer school. . . . All the other sistern got the hayfever. Famous Feet The dainty two-hundred pound Sigalf mascot "Feet" has been ordered to stay indoors on penalty of being arrested, as well as being re- quired to wear a muzzle. . . . All this after committing a murderous as- sault on a smaller dog. . . . Isn't that characteristic? ... It is rumored that the brethren's housebill has gone up considerably, what with new muzzles every time their nonchalant little puppy yawns with those jaws which are capable of embracing a football. Even a self-respecting muzzle would weaken. The withdrawal of the hound from circulation will deprive the SAE's and Dekes of a topic of conversation for weeks to come. During the recent class elections one of the campus politician's tried to pick up Miss Johnston of the P. E. department to take her to the polls. Miss Johnston, however, gracefully (and rythmically) got out of it by saying that she was a fresh- man and too young to vote. Julia Lake '36, was so dazzled by rushing that she finally resorted to the w. k. coin-flipping tactics. . . . And Bill Singer finds that a chow (Turn to Page 21) Homecoming Number 19 *'J THE HOMECOMER'S DILEMMA Yon can avoid this by reading the Woman's Number of the Siren, coming out next month, and containing all the dirt on your favorite sorority 20 The SIREN THE HOUSE OF HITS R lALTQ A^ THEATRE Vi^ ONE WEEK Starting Sunday, October 16 The funniest comedy that ever blazed its way across the screen! HAROLD LLOYD —IN— "MOVIE CRAZY" T\V«) YKAKS IN THK MAKING AND WOKTH IT . . . HAILKI) BY CRITICS THE COrNTRY OVER AS HIS GREATEST ALL TIME COMEDY "The Cinemajority Go to the Rialto" Presumptious "How come Mrs. Worldly has octracized you?" "Well, I was dancing with her the other evening and she suddenly turned to nie and said she felt hot and wanted a little air." "And." "I thought she said heir." — Voo Doo. S He: "What are you thinking about?" She: "The same thing as you." He: "Well, I'm sorry, but it is impossible. I am in training." — Battalion. S Sold Short College Senior: "I would give five dollars for just one kiss from a nice little innocent girl like you." Innocent Freshman: "Oh, how terrible." College Senior: "Did I offend you?" Innocent Freshman: "No, I was just thinking about the fortune I gave away last night." — Pelican. Legal Argument "Was the defendant intoxicated?" "He was drunk as a Lord." "How do you know a Lord is drunk?" "Well, the good book says "The Lord taketh and the Lord giveth away." In Lieu of a Degree Little girl (to old lady) : "Madame, what is the name of your child?" Old lady: "It's my daughter's child. I call her Diploma." L. G. : "Why do you call her that?" O. L. : "It's what my daughter brought back from col- lege." — University of Buffalo Bison. s My dear! Why, that's a tearable dress for a picnic. Ssh ! Its got zippers too. — Aicgivan. And there's the story concerning a Chepachet clergy- man, who, at a dinner, had to listen to a talkative young man who had much to say on Darwin and his "Origin of the Species." "I can't see," bawled the young whipper-snapper, "what difference it would make to me if m'grandfather was an ape." "No," skirmished the clergyman. "I can't see that it would. But it must have made a great difference to your grandmother." — Broun J iig. "I say, Joe, your girl looked quite tempting in that sort of Biblical gown she was wearing last lught." "What do you mean, Biblical gown?" "Oh, you know. Sort of Lo and Behold !" — Witt. The girl had to be handled with kid gloves — her hiis- band is a fingerprint expert. — Royal Gaboon. First Model: "I said some very foolish words to my boy friend last night." Second Model: "Yes?" First Model: "That was one of them." — Rice Oui. Voice from above: "Mary!" Voice from below (pleasantly) : "Yes, Mother?" V. F. A.: "The clock has struck twelve three times now. Let it practice on one for a while." — Flamingo. Little Edith: "May I sit on your lap, daddy?" Sarcastic Mamma: "No, darling, papa's tired; he's had a hard day at the office." — Pathfinder. While men must have heard by this time that women are pretty much alike, it's only human nature that they should want to find out for themselves. —Shoivme. Homecoming Number 21 ((Continued from Paye IS) dog appeals to the feminine portion of the campus in a hig way. But when Bill craves to proceed in one direction and Chans; in the other, only a cab can solve the battle ot wills. . . . But worse yet is Ted Wang . . . who invited six guests to his girl's apartment for dinner, and then forgot to tell the hostess. . . . And by the way. what two Kappa. Theta and Pify rushees were so hot and bothered about their choice on the fatal Thursday that tlieir Ford started to burn ? And which pledged Pify? And what happened to the other? Sigma Kappa Fire And did all you little children hear about the new pledge at the Sigma Kappa House? Here's the story: Last week, Bob Young, feeling un- usually and unnaturally generous, called the before-mentioned house and asked if they needed any more pledges in their domicile. "Do we!" the party of the second part is quoted as saying, "Well, then," continued Mr. Bob, "I'm bringing one over for you. She's a darn nice kid and all set to pledge something." "Art there any sech?", inquired the p. of the s. p: — "What's her name?" "Mary Bunny, " came the answer." "and you'll have a lot of fun with her. I'll bring her over this after- noon." "Oh," replied the now-ex- cited S. K., "but all the girls aren't here." "That's all right," consoled Bob magnanimously, "she won't icnow that!" So the little S. K. flew to tell her sistern the good news and in a much shorter time than it ever takes them on date nites, the order had "Dolled up" en masse. Presently to the door came Bob Young. Ex- pectancy fluttered in the breasts of the sisters. The doorbell answered, friend Bob strode into the room and dropped an astonished rabbit onto the lap of the House President. Yes'r — right on her brand new dress that she had donned for the occasion. Well, the rabbit stayed on, altho' (Please Turn to Page 23) — \ HERE'S AN IDEA THAT'LL TAKE THEiR BREATH AWAY 3O3JJ03 23IIV103 3DI3^0 IT'S A REAL TASTE SENSATION/; -/ Meadow - Gold Ice Cream The Creamiest of Them All WHY? Because It's "SMOOTH FROZEN" Mdile hy Champaign Ice Cream Division Beatrice Meadow-Gold Dairies Inc. I'"(iniu'rly tlic ( liaiiipaimi lir CrtMiii Co. in.') I'himc inc 22 The SIREN The Cinemagraph Virginia and Vaudeville After two and a halt years of yip- ping the Twin-City legit fans are having their wish, for the flesh seems to be back — to stay, if the reception is good — on the Virginia stage starting Sunday, October 16. And the ghosts of the old three-a-day troupers are going to have to do a fadeout, for Fanchon - Marco tabloid music- comedy revues are the new bill, as well as the big time circuit RKO acts that are turned out for the largest houses in the country. These legit acts will run one, two, or more days a week, along with the regular fea- ture picture. According to authentic dope the "Desert Song" with its original troupe of 65 will play at the Virginia M., T., W., October 31, November 1-2, and "Rio Rita," the famous hit of stage and screen will probably also be brought down later. As to the Virginia screen : October 15, Wheeler & Woolsey take the old chain gang for a ride in "Hold 'Em Jail," with Edna ]VIay Oliver and Roscoe Ates helping in the riding; 16, "Age of Consent," with Dorothy Wilson, Arline Judge and Richard Cromwell, reviewed last month in this colyum; 17-19, "Phantom of Crestwood," RKO's broadcast special mystery; 20-22, "All America," not reviewed ; 23, "The Most Dangerous Game," featuring Joel McCrea, Fay Wray, Bob Armstrong — a man, fear- less adventurer ... a girl, beautiful, alluring . . . cast away on Zaroff's mysterious island! Their ship lured to destruction by his false beacon lights! . . . They had been wined and dined in the most-hidden casctle. Then Zaroff — polished nobleman, fascinating host — had shown his secret room . . . lined with the strangest trophies human eyes ever beheld! You'll like this one; 24-26, "Night Mayor," with Lee Tracy and Evelyn Knapp ; 27-29, "Hat- Check Girl" with Sally Filers and Ginger Rogers — the story of a couple of bigtown, bigtime, smallgirl racke- teers. Orpheum Opens The Orpheum opens for the season on the 15th, playing "Chandu," a real old-time thriller all dolled up, featuring Edmund Lowe, Irene Ware and Dracula Lugosi. Comes direct from an extended Chicago run. October 19, two days, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Johnson's African epic, "Congorilla," another picture of the no-faking-needed variety; 23-24, "Hollywood Speaks," with Gene- vieve Tobin and Pat O'Brien; 28-29, Jack Holt, as "The Last Man" ; 30, "Thirteen Women," featuring Irene Dunne, Myrna Loy, and Ricardo Cortez. Taken from the sensational book of the same title. Orpheum is also offering some- thing new and different this year in- sofar as they are presenting pictures in foreign languages for gowners as well as towners. Will probably play once a week, and will be of a pop- ular and modern variety. Should be interesting for them as knows, amus- ing for them what don't. Rialto and Schnozzle Harold Lloyd returns to the screen after a two years absence in "Movie Crazy," still the exponent of the slapstick gag. This is another sap saga story in which he plays a part very similar to that of his first great vehicle, "Granma's Boy." Screwy and senseless as the deuce, but good entertainment. Starts a week's run on October 16. The old smoothie team of Powell and Francis appear in "One Way Passage" from the 23rd-26th. They click again, just as they have in their other team pictures. The perfect screen team, we calls it. And follow- ing that from the 27th-29th "The Crash" is coming, with la Chatterton and George Brent doing the crash- ing. Everyone has become Chatter- ton-conscious since "Madame X" and numerous other films starring her made their appearance. Who was it crossed the Dela- ware? . . . And what did he follow to get him there? His schnozzola, of course. As the nose goes — so goes the country! You guessed it, it's Schnozzle Durante, late of Broad- way, trying to get a few stray votes for "The Phantom President," and how he does get them! As well as putting "it" in politics, romance in the Senate, and ants in the w. k. coat pocket. To help him do this he has George M. Cohan and Claud- ette Colbert. It's a roarer, with everything but humor, and has a cast that ought to slay 'em. Follow the schnozzle to prosperity! Park Presents October 15, Paul Lukas and Tullulah Bankhead in "Thunder Below"; 16, Joan Blondell and Stuart Erwin in "Make Me a Star" ; 17-18, Richard Arlen and Jack Oakie in "Sky Bride"; 19, Dorothy Mackaill in "Love Affair"; 20-21, Ricardo Cortez in "Symphony of Six Million" ; 22, Tom Keene in "Ghost Valley"; Wheeler and Woolsey in "Girl Crazy"; 24-25, Leslie Howard in "Reserved for Ladies"; 26, "The Deceiver," with Lloyd Hughes; 27- 28, John Barrymore in "State's At- torney"; 29, "Riders of the Desert" with Bob Steele. And of these shows may we par- ticularly recommend "State's At- torney" and "Thunder Below." Barrymore turns in one of his swellest performances in the former, and in the latter Bankhead does the customary things to you. Good sup- porting casts. Homecoming Number 23 (Continued frnni Pnt/c 21 ) Bob didn't. (Bob isn't very popular around the Sigma Kappa House these days). But today I heard the sad news that the S. K.s had had to request their new pledge to leave, for she was guilty of a grave .social error, and none of her erstvvhile sisters dared tell her about it. Whatever derogatory is said about our dear old collitch. we have to admit that our Professors are pre- cocious; Professor Swain, in his "History of the Hebrew People" course, seriously observed that chil- dren are not often born at the age of seventy. LaBelle Klingle When Mary Kingle was a little girl, the little boy next door fell madly in love with her. She admits that he did so he must have. He promised her a gold bicycle and a diamond ring. Alas, true love riui- neth not smooth, so they drifted apart. They met in St. Louis, of all places, this summer, and she went for a ride with him. And — in the rumble seat there was a gold bicycle and in his pocket a dime store dia- mond ring. And before the evening was over, here comes the best part, the poor sap wanted to exchange the dime ring for a real one. Are the Phi Kappa Sigmas ever playful! They got one of their brothers a blind date the other night, and then proceeded to play a dastard- ly trick on him. (The vipers). First of all. they had a girl call dear old Bill or Joe or Hank (does it matter who it was?) and say she was his date for the evening and that she wanted him to come over an hour early. Then what did the ornery rascals do but call the girl, pretend it was good old Bill or Joe or Hank and say he'd be a half hour late! And the dear brother was consequently an hour early. But the "tragedy of it all is that great old Bill or Joe or Hank had such a helluva good time that nite that all he gave his frater- nity' brothers was his many. many. thanks for the keen date they got him. .AFKIC.A INDO-CHIN.V .\ISTK.\LASIA \. AMKKK A BIG GAME HUNTING GEORGE G. CAREY JR. 305 N. CHARLES ST. BALTIMORE, MD. .\.SS(K I.VTKI) WITH TH(»S. ((KIK & SON WACiONS I.ITS INC. TK.W KL SKKVKK -t^i PICTURES ARE INDISPENSIBLE ■60 cOcfj) SUCCESSFUL PUBLICATION Phot'0''Enm'tvyin^S Colo lap^at^ J^ fjeWc't'^ Ktrtc/ G.R.GRUBB & CO. EjSGRAVEUS ^ /CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS ^ I 24 The SIREN Mc KIBBEN GARAGE PHONE 6-1100 Day and Night Auto Service — Repair Work Greasing and Washing — Storage $5 a Month TRUCKING — DELIVERY SERVICE MOVING — DEPRESSION RATES McCormick Transfer Company Phone 5304 lib" Smith Walnut CHAMPAIGN "Next t<( Iniiian Hotel" Some freshman walked up to Dolly Kircher, the only smoothie PE major in the Theta house for years and years, and asked about her motoring-vehicle tests — and just to clear things up, Emily, she meant motorability 1 Heard any night at dinner in any sorority house: Such and such a cleaner will give us ten per cent of all stuff sent, followed by an imme- diate chorus of the other ten agents of other cleaners who are doing the same thing. Cleanliness, Godliness, and the dear old depression sure go hand in hand this year. Tea for Team The Junior Manager of the -Football Team has formally an- nounced his hope that the faculty or somebody will see to it that the team is served tea after every practice — and the tea must have lemon in it. Xothwithstanding the tactics which Marie Dressier and Polly .\Ioran resorted to in order to win the election in their movie, "Politics," we are certain (one can never be more certain than that) that they would vehemently deny having any part in the politics on this campus. The Illio of 1932-33 will be out on time this year if the P(^P House has anything to do with it! The Woman's Editor, Woman's Business .Manager, two Junior Managers, and two holding down Sophomore jobs are all sistern in this particular fra- ternal order. Gn account of the w. k. depres- sion and the high cost of Lipton's, Ridgeway's, (name it and take it) tea, the Lambda Chis are contem- plating giving a cocoa dance in the near future. The homecoming grads will please (rather, leave out the "please") take note of the new mechanisms which the cabs are sjwrting this year. We saw the Kappa architect de- Hberately using a telescope in survey- ing class right on the campus the other day. I'll never walk down the broadwalk without my long under- wear again. We!)! Well! Now what will we liave today. Let us have an election children. And where will we have this election? Well let me think (you are probably tired). I'll tell you. We will have the election right in the press room of the Lion Eye. They tell me they use old lUini for wall paper in the room. There is no hand writing on the wall in this case but are there ever "pans" hung on the wall. What more sacred place could there be for an election. Right next to the Edi-tear-all room. Think of the advantages the press room holds. Any time the ballot supply runs low start the press. Make it a game. Give everyone a chance to vote. Let everyone practice \oting. Don't just vote once. Vote five or six times. E\eryone have a good time. Everyone play. Think nothing of it. After all Zup says "it's not the play, it's the execution." Speaking of executions, let's have one. We have everything to work with. We have "Norrie" Thomp- son with his Old Line. He could use the "old line" to string up Lowell Blanchard and then Lowell could start talking and blow him over. If Ot would Willet the three of them could get together and write an editorial that woidd burn up the Lion Eye. Heavens! Here we are with the world's greatest college newspaper in flames and the whole campus blushing. Let's turn off the heat. S Teacher: "Johnny, would you like to go to Heaven?" Johnny: "Yes, but mother told me to come right home after school." — Sour Old. What's the book? t^ne Thousand Things for Boys to Make. Ah! The directory of a large girls school. — M'idoic. "I wish I had my wife back. " "Where is she?" "I sold her for a bottle of whiskey." "So you foimd out you really love her?" "No, I'm thirsty again." — Purple Parrot. You dont Need to Paq fancq Prices "/((^^ Collect cSta1mn£Aa THE NEW 450 PACKAGE You can't buy any stationery at nnv price better suited to your informal correspondence than the new "450 Package." It is correct note sheet size, 6"x7 '.Thequahty is aaually better than found in many boxes of high- priced stationery. Give American Stationery for Christmas. It's a better gift than ever this year. Make up your list now and have your Christmas shopping done — early, economically and thoughtfully. THE AMERICAN STATIONERY CO. Originator & IVor/J's L^irst^l SXanuf^icturer of Printed Sote Pap€r 700 PARK AVENUE IHIS note paper is correct for informal correspondence. We have supplied it for 18 years to many of America's most prominent families. It has been a favorite also among college men and ■women. With the introduction of the ne-w "450 Package" the cost of this fine note paper is made lower than ever. It actually costs less than cheap stationery. It's the same style note paper we have sold for 18 years — same printed name and address — same prompt delivery — same price. Hut the quantity is now 50% greater! Send one dollar ($1.10 west of Denver and out- side of U. S.) and get one of the biggest bargains in fine merchandise offered in America. Your package printed and on its way to you within 3 days of re- ceipt of your order. No agents or dealers. Sold by mail only. Absolute satisfaction guaranteed. 300 Note Sheets . Formerly 200 ISO Envelopes . . Formerly \00 450 Pieces . . . Formerly 300 r^U Printed with your Name and Address PERU, IND. The American Stationery Co., 700 Park Avenue, Peru, Ind. Here is $1 for a box of "450 Stationer)'," to be printed and mailed as shown below. ($1.10 west of Denver and outside of U.S.) Niime- Address- THE FORT DEARBORN MASSACRE "Nature in the Ratv"~as funtrayed by the artist, N. C. W'veth . . . inspired by the heartless treachery of a band of vicious Miami Indians, who massacred the settlers xi'ith inhuman ferocity .. t August 15, 1812. —and raw tobaccos have no place in cigarettes They are not present in Luckies ■. . . the mildest cigarette you ever smoked w E buy the finest, the very finest tobaccos in all the world — but that does not explain why folks everywhere regard Luckv Strike as the mildest cigarette.The fact is, we never overlook the truth that "Nature in the Raw is Seldom Mild" — so these fine tobac- cos, after proper aging and mel- lowing, are then given the benefit of that Lucky Strike purifying proc- ess, described by the words — "It's toasted". That swhyfolksinevery city, town and hamlet say that Luckies are such mild cigarettes. "It's toasted" That package of mild Luckies "If a man u-rite a better hook, preach a better urmon. or make a better mouse-trap than his neighbor, tho he build his home ni the unods. the xmrld u ill make a beaten path to his ^nor "—RALPH WALDO EMERSON. Does not this explain the world-wide acceptance and approval of Lucky Strike? r r r-l 7-3/06 ab .^j -, jq/j ^^^ i-i^^'^ 7-1001 GIDLS NUMBED 'pardon ivy poise When you're in a Hot Spot -light a cool OLD GOLD Finer tobacco, that's the answer. Queen-leaf tobacco iiom the heart of the stalk. The choicest and coolest burning of all Turkish and domestic. Get this, folks: OLD GOLDS are FULL-WEIGHT not a cough in a carload ) P-I.orillarU Co..Inc Girls' yiimhcr How to Become a BW'OC in 4 Easy Lessons The Freshman Year — Whatever clothes you come down here with, whether advised by Aunt Minnie, Mother, or Elmer's cousin who knows a buyer tor a store wlio went to Paris once, they will never be just right. Far better to make up your wardrobe after you have looked around down here, or, much better still, don't bring any clothes down at all. Why wait for two or three years to become a social success and the sweetheart of Sigma Chi? Pledge either one of the assured four best sororities, one which has control of your pet activity, or none at all. Go into at least three activities. Orange and Blue Feathers is a swell place to get sarcastic about other people's clothes and a much more lull- ing inducement to sweet sleep than a class lecture. The "Y" and Woman's League teas come in the same classifi- cation, and also provide excellent training for pouring hot things down the back of that woman you just can't stand. If you yearn to emote, try Trash and Bawdy; if you lean toward the bohemian, eccentric, or just plain screwy, pub- lications are your career. If you want to stand out, (in capital letters) date a politician, run your dates in shifts, or slide down public banisters. (Realsilk adv.). The Sophomore Year — Keep up the good work, activi- ties, clothes, and same advice as to pledging. If you haven't had a date yet, better buy one of those plain-covered little books, wait until Homecoming (even Almy Matter has a date then), or get in training for Fly Baita Katcha and for- get about Fraternity Row, The idea is to get before your public, which can be done by dating a sophomore on the Lion Eye and walking up and down an aisle absentminded- ly wearing a formal which may be absent-minded in spots. Committees are generally considered nice to have around, as the saying goes, "Committee one, committee all. " It de- pends on how you look at it, and how it looks at you. If it looks at you, you may be surprised, (unless you have learned to get around) to find yourself in Scorch. Don't worry they don't notify your folks about it. The Junior Year — By this time you should be wearing a strip of orange ribbon on Wednesdays, which will look like hell with the new fall shades. You should rate Axe- grinders, Delts, and a private berth in Hanley's. If not, just proceed as usual, learn to be blase and sneer at Betas, ostentatiously drink straight A, and who knows, you may get the Eta Beta Gate. The Senior Year — Either you have arrived or you might as well finish up at Steven's. Of course there are beauty contests, but rhev are alwavs with us, and who cares? The Isles of Greece for the Gridiron or a Football Coach's Prayer Must we but weep oe'r days more blest? Must we but blush — Our brothers bled Preps render up from thy breast A sampling of thy Trojans Dread Or send a man like Grange to me. STRAUCH'S pstmas ^ards With your name imprinted as lo^^■ as 50 for $1 ORDER CARDS E.\RLY IWewest Hollywood Desigtis Greater Values III MOHOI S .AM) I A.MII.V t .\I{I>S TH.\T TOU H Tin: KKillT NOTK STRAUCH'S Al Cuiiipus 709 South \\ liyht Strcl The SIREN Woman "A rag and a bone and a hank of hair." — Kipling. "Much ado about nothing." Shakespeare. 'Ribs and fig leaves." -Adam. 'That thar flood was too long, oh Lord!" —Noah. Girls' Number CARL J. DIESF.R £dilor-in-Cliiej WILLIAM A. ZOELLER Business Manager Editorial Staff Donald F. Mulvihill Issociale EJilot Wilfred J. Brogden Office Mana/jrr Gerald McCJrew R. D. La Fond Carl Foreman David Eldred Jaine> Davis Nita Ramey II' Oman's Editor Miriam Van Buskirk Exchange Editor Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day Lillian Stanford Winnie Haslam Lynn Pierce 4rt Editor Jane Fauntz Associate Art Editor D. M. Meskimen Assistant Art Editor H. Samuel Kruse Ted Parmclee Evelyn Lantz Florentia Metzger Adeline Cross Julie McHale Bett\ Ro>> Business Staff Donald Faulkner Idvrrtising Manager H. H. Otten Issislant Advertising Manager Wm. Dalton Circulation Manager Murray Shrader Copy Manager Elaine Geidel! Office Manager Wilhur J. Thompson Collection Manager ASSISTANIS Betty CJoby, Dori> Frazin, Seymour Her>hman, Lillian Saltzman, Adele Pohl Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illi- nois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Office at Urbana. Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication. Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price SI. 00 the year. ,\ddress all communications, Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Illinois. Copyright, 1932, by The Siren. Exclusive reprint right granted to ©UgeHuniOr magazine. The SIREN Pocahontas Slightly Revived Our little Pocahontas was from Chicago, which means bad smell in the Indian lingo. Sad was her plight indeed, for she had no beauty, no charm, and no poise. In short she was a flop to the nth degree. In desperation her old man called her on the mat before him, and quoth he, "Go forth to the great school of Chief Illiniwek and get unto thyself the knowledge of books, feathers in thy head band, and never darken the slit of my wigwam again until thou hast taken unto thyself a brave as husband." Two moons later foimd Pocahontas on the hunting grounds of the mighty Illini. She was encamped in a ho\el which was named by a person that stuttered slightly. The name was Delta, Delta, Delta which means scalp 'em, scalp 'em, scalp 'em ! She was rudely disturbed one night by the rasping voice of a high member of the household, "Get up, sleepy one, and don your war paint, fetter your arrows, and flex your bows; you go on your first hiuit party with a brave tonight." "Why am I thus sought by any brave," wondered Poca- hontas," for I am indeed called a washout by all my inti- mates?" Ah, Pocahontas. She knew not of blind dates. She guessed not that among the Illini there was a great dearth of maidens. Great indeed ! Even one so void of sex as she might have found favor in the beauty-starved eyes of an Illini brave. The hour of nine p. m. moon time found little Poca- hontas leaning upon the strong right arm of an Illini known as Fish. Swallowing difficidty twice, Fish led her among paths on end until at last they stood before the threshhold of a great tent of vice and evil-doings. Into this den our Pocahontas was led and deposited in a dark nook overhung with dried oak leaves. The Fish ordered great quantities of beer into which he poured a clear sparkling liquid. Our Pocahontas had seen and heard of this bright liquid, but had never enjoyed its magic powers. It was Fire-water ! — A to students of chemistry. After many shy and blushing refusals, she consented to partake of this concoction. She drank one, two, and yet a third stein of delight. Behold! — A new Pocahontas. Her eyes had taken on a dreamy come-hither look. Her hair was ruflled to just that degree that makes any woman seem alluring. Her lips were slightly parted, and she had changed into a dream-girl for the, by this time, inebriated Fish. At last the dizzy couple staggered up to a hall of dancing, where many braves beat upon tom-toms and played flutes, led by a funny man in a long black coat. By this time Pocahontas had taken on a "bored with it all attitude," and had even found a perfectly good English accent whicli had been dormant within her all those vears. All these ** /n A things, coupled with the soft strains of music and the com- pelling force of fire-water, made this brave Fish more or less gaga (Indian for mushy) over little Pocahontas, and he lisped naughty bits of love into the big ears of little Pocahontas. But lo ! The night was passing quickly and the two drunks lit out for home. They arrived to the tune of lights out. It was past the deadline! Pocahontas was frightened unto hysteria (so she claimed). Whoop! Whoop! A heluva good goddam she really gave. Fish felt the inner man coming to the front, so he kissed her tenderly as he helped her to the first rung of the fire escape. She nestled for a brief moment in his arms. This touched the peak of his emotions and he done the foolish deed — he gave hei his badge. Straight away she clambered up and disappeared into the darkness. Here was a feather to show the old man at home! The Poor Fish walked slowly into the night. Many moons have passed that first night, and Poca- hontas has come to be in great demand. She spends many nights in the guzzling of fire-water. Instead of feathers in her head-band she has badges on her chest and that's not all — she's a whose little whoozis. All hail to Pocahontas, the outcast who made good among the Illini! Is it not altogether fitting and proper that we, her survivors, should erect some monument to her memory? The author would suggest that a tablet, made of some base metal, be selected and hung in a prominent place among the Illini tributes. At the close of each year, the senior woman who has garnered the most badges during her college career would have her name engraved upon this place of achievements. It is the authors opinion that in years to come this tablet would put IVIortar Board and all other honors to shame. It would be a definite step toward making necking a required course in the Fine Arts School. Girls' Siimber JUST FILTH ♦ I hear Kay Tuach doesn't care for these traveling scholarship things. They do say the Delta Zetas are so ritzy to the Phi Mus, I guess it's their new curtains. Isn't Dorsey Connors «-earing her widow's weeds well — and they say Jimmy Lundeberg is going to teach — • fancy that! and imagine — her engi- neer is gone — building Erector sets in Arizona — they say ! Of course, now — far be it from me to say any- thing but — they do say Joe Mira- bella, that Mule driver person, keeps all his press-clippings in a book, yeah, a stamp-book — he's got two of them filled up now . And do you know, not that I'd want to gossip but the house is just jittery over it — I mean, my dear, the T. P. A.'s — oh yes — her house is just wondering if Marcia Puckett is going to get that Zeta Bete pin she's been angling for — they do say it's either that or a Phi Si — ^well, it's all right — they're neighbors — And do you know — it's the funniest thing — the Tri-Delts have taken to locking their front windows after hours — they do say that National had some- thing to do with it — \ es and the PoPs. my dear, can you imagine? The PoPs have started to clean out the Da\enport house in their search for pledges — Marie Handschuh '34 starts the procession — "hope springs eternal in the human breast." they say — though I do say it as shouldn't — ! Understand now — Not that I want to gossip but — I've heard — That an Alpha Phi pin was found and do you know — it was found on the inside, mind you — of a gallon tin — you know, those gallon container things — out on the road to Bloom- ington — about five miles — of course. it wasn't from this chapter — they say — anj-way — Isn't it strange the way the Delta Gams have gone into oblivion — too many pins there, I guess . . . well, college is a great hunting ground . . . "But, where are they?'' And isn't it apaling — I mean just simply appalling, this depression thing, what with the A. T. O.'s and Sigma Nus receiving — an\"way, isn't it appalling — how do you spell that word ? I heard some Theta use it and I simply love it — though she didn't know how to spell it either — anyway that makes two of us — I mean — that don't know how to spell it. . . . Oh — you haven't heard? uh-huh — it seems as though the Zeta Psi's could have picked some other way of getting publicity — Ooo — who's that? I mean that good-looking tall Irishman that's talb'ng to that couple sitting down now — oh — is that so? Well, I never did like Kappa Sig pins, they're the sort of — ^well, sort of like a price- tag — don't you think — Come on — let's go — I don't want to meet him — though I would like to know what he sees in her, of all people ! Remember — this wasn't a scandal session. I hate a person who gossips. don't you — yeah let's get out of here — the orchestra's going — S Did the Kappa pledges become so active that it was necessary to make at least one date during the week legitimate? Speaking of — Football, the only thing wrong with the game is that the depression has caused our alums to go back on their school notes. Women, it strikes me that they do enough talking about themselves — so why throw a drink to a drowning man. Depression — we'd rather not. Drinking, why is a "horse's neck" a "horse's neck" — or do vou in- Business, the only people who are making cash sales are the cosmetic manufacturers. Have You Ever Noticed A woman's brain power and in- telligence is in inverse ratio to her beauty — so we've heard. Which leads us to the recollection of Professor McClure who said. "College for women is useless — if she is homely it's insufficient, and if she is beautiful she doesn't need it," So, say we, why college — for women. The answer being — they're here to shop around. Just "shopping 'round," that's all. Miss Stutzman, of the English de- partment, cleaning house — that is, on one occasion that we know of — at 2 a. m. — Vacuum sweepers are noisy. (Continued on Page 24) The SIREN \ SIREN'S November Almanac POEM TO NOVEMBER Month ivlien co-eds don wool panties If'ind's too cold titrouyh silken scanties. Month . We. 2 — All Souls' day; stop at shoe repair shop. Th. 3 — Picnic season definitely over; last ant vanishes. Fr. 4 — \\ ill Rogers born, 1879, in unreclaimed territory, still unreclaimed, 1932. Sa. 5 — Wisconsin game at Madison. Su. 6 — Psi Upsilon founded 1833 at Union college; this day will do as well as any other in November. Mo. 7 — Eve directs search for fur-lined fig leaf, 1000 B. G. Tu. 8 — General election day — either Hoover or Roosevelt wins. We. 9 — Star course offers Grace Moore, soprano. Th. 10 — Snow flurries or possibly sleet and hail. Fr. 11 — Armistice day. Gamma Phi Beta founded 1874 at University of Syracuse. Sa. 12 — Indiana game. Su. 13 — Full moon but ten-thirty night. Mo. 14 — Robert Fulton born, 1765; "Roll on you Mississippi." Tu. 15 — Lambda Chi Alpha, 1911, founded at Boston univer- sity, in case you care. We. 16 — Forty-five days till end of leap year. Th. 17 — Opening of Suez canal, 1869; Kipling begins poem. Fr. 18 — "But, Dad, times have changed since you were in school." Sa. 19 — Ohio game; Dads' day; exchange of Illibuck. Su. 20 — Sigma Phi Epsilon founded, 1901, sometime in No- vember, Richmond college, Virginia. Mo. 21 — Governor of North Carolina said to governor of South Carolina, "Let's ratify the Constitution," 1789 (fooled you!). Tu. 22 — St. Cecelia; was overlooked on November 1; still plaving organ. We. 23— Delta, Ditto, Ditto, founded Thanksgiving eve, 1888. Th. 24 — Thanksgiving day; roast turkey, cranberry sauce, and relatives. Fr. 25 — Cold sliced turkey; thirty days till Christmas. Sa. 26 — Turkey a la king. Su. 27 — First Sundav in Advent; "know anvone driving back?" Mo. 28 — Instruction resumed at 1:00 p. m. Tu. 29 — No fraternity founded this date. We. 30 — Mark Twain born, 1835; Ananias turns over in grave. The SIREN Slimy Chuck Logan Charlie Logan writes sensible editorials for the world's greatest college daily, but he can also write senseless poemtry, and we can prove it. I wish I were a worm A sticky, slimy, slithery sperm Without a single hair Upon my shape so bare. Rather a silly wish for anyone who wants a choosy girl like Mary Hen- ley to like him! They tell this of the members of a Wright street sorority, and we don't mean Theta or Pi Phi : They sit in class and get E's. They sit in class and smile and get D's. They take the prof out for cokes and get C's. They take him on their celebrated "parties" and get B's. And they've been known to get A's! And Big Perch Willett All great men have hobbies, and Ott Willett is no exception, his once being the collection of mail-boxes. One night the fighting editor fancied the idea of decorating his room with, not the common or garden variety of mail-boxes you and I hopefully tack up outside our front door, but the R. F. D. type. Accordingly a festive group of young gentlemen gathered surreptiously a mess of mail-boxes. Ott grew tired of his burden and generously loaded it on the others, and anyway he was the one who had thought of the idea. When the bunch had wearily trudged home, they were so sick of the damn boxes they gave all the loot to Ott. "Squeak" Eldred, Theta Delt, is our idea of Casanova in rompers. Gene Schooley and a friend were approaching the outskirts of Dan- ville, Decatur, or something one day, when they ran into a long procession of cars, also going toward town. The friend had a press card, which is the next best thing to a Murad, so they stuck the card in the wind-shield and breezed importantly past the long line of less privileged people. At the end, or beginning (depending on where you are at the time), was a (you guessed it) hearse. If you wondered why the or- chestra out at the Fantasy suddenly folded up at 1 o'clock. Homecoming morning, and returned your cover charge, you must have arrived just after the establishment entertained a few revenue officers with a mid-night supper. The Kappa Key When one stoops to snoop, as I do to get material for a column like this, he generally is rewarded with some juicy scandal. And so was I. Therefore, I wish to know just why four Delta Zetas deemed it necessary to sneak in their back door at 10:45 on the night of October the 3rd? But I suppose they should be given credit for tip-toeing to the back — they were probably thoughtful girlies, who hated to disturb the housemother. And most of the girls in other houses are not thoughtful like that — they come up and ring the front doorbell, climb in the chapter-room window, or — horrors of horrors — don't come in at all. Doris Blake please copy. And speaking of coming in after hours — the Kappa Key seems not only to be a fiction, but a very real reality. In fact there are many, many Kappa Keys, and all of them, inci- dentally, open the front door. The Dean's office got wind of this super- abundancy of keys and has requested that the only key hereafter to be at the Kappa house be the one which the little lady on the corner of the house holds. But list, my children, to the best story of the month. Si, one of the obnoxious Chi Betas, took himself a taxi (brave boy) on a date the other night. When halfway to Robeson's, the cheerful little light that usually burns so merrily on in the meter, went out. Whereupon, Si, undaunted, and fearful lest the meter try some dirty work while he was in the dark, lit matches all the rest of the way! And. as if that weren't enough to try Girls' Number the soul of the most harJ-boilcd cab- driver, the said obiioxioiis Chi Hetc asked the driver for the front wheel of the cab, because he felt he had bought it. And speaking of cabs, (or was I?) a certain little Betty Co-ed ran up a six — count 'cm — six dollar cab-bill on an unsuspecting male from out of town the other night. Bett^' was not ready when the said male arrived with the cab, and in true fashion, took an half-hovn- or so to come downstairs. Incidentally, the male is unsuspecting no longer! King George and Joe The entire Levy family, we hear, can trace themselves, on the distafl side, to the Holy Virgin herself. . . . In East Aurora, New York, is a new fangled diet sanatorium of some sort that has a head nurse by the name of Miss Hunger. . . . The natives of \Vilmington, Illinois, the native heath of Hank Avery, erstwhile editor of the Siren, still tell about the time when King George, then the prince of Wales, visited that town. As any oldster will remem- ber he made a tour of the coimtry back in eighty or something like that, the object being to do a little fancy hunting. He stopped in Wilming- ton, the duck hunting there being particularly something to talk of. The big event of one Sunday after- noon happened when the Prince was hauled up before the village justice of the peace and fined for hunting on Sunday. . . . Joe Mirabella has ceased wearing his yello\\- shoe-tweed suit and bowler-hat outfit for some reason or other. . . . He's a good guy just the same, but . . . And whyinhell did the Delta Zetas nail one of their doors shut? We're asking you. . . . And have you seen the illegitimate son of their Newfoundland, Rex, that's been wandering about the cam- pus of late? ... Or maybe Delta — well, maybe Newfoundland's don't have illegitimate children . . . How should we know ? . . . On Tap Bill Donahue's massive beer-keg, which has smooth and intricate de- vices involving compressed air and what-not for dispensing cool and fragrant nectar, and which cost the maestro mucho wampum, was recent- h' carried off by a Homecoming Phi Kappa Sig. Social activities will be revived in some small town this winter. A certain law student who "passed out" of summer school was last heard of on a bridge in Missouri. Nobody knows what has since hap- pened to the gentleman, who lives in Dieterich, which is so close to Effing- ham that it is unfortiuiate. Can something be done about this? A prominent Uni High senior (female) was recently asked to luncheon at one of the elite sorori- ties. As she did not care for "those old 's," she politely sent her re- grets as "she had the itch!" Lounging Around The brethren over at the APX hovel have to scour the basement lounge after house dances, in case Brother Mcintosh and date might have been mislaid. Last year Brother Mcintosh enjoyed the dance so much that he sat it all out in the lounge, and was found there with his date after all the other brethren had taken their dates home and returned. The poor thing is still living it down. Virginia Polonis, ZTA, is called "(jin" on week-ends, by personal re- quest. We hear that it is a social error to date for a football game up at Northwestern. Any unfortunate couple arriving together are volun- tarily separated by the storm of de- rision and comment such a faux pas invariably arouses. Is there any significance in the fact that one group of girls on cam- pus call them.selves the K. A. T. (s) ? We hear that the best dressed Gamma Phi is she who leaves the house first. ( Cont'miieil on Page 14) • LP 10 The SIREN THE BLOW-OFF ♦ or Little Eva Comes Through Little Eva Burp, Kappa pledge '36, was in one hehiva quandary. Yet, indeed, it was some quandary ; it could even have been called a jam. "What a guard 'em jam I'm in, " though little Eva, as she stepped outside the portal of the Kappa jernt, chewing her lips. Some lips! And so, by lips and bounds she found herself on the corner of Wright and Green streets, contemplating her dilemna (whoops!) What was bothering little Eva was this : that evening Martha van Catskill Hyphen Doakes, head of the Kappa house, had handed little Eva a handy, purse-size time bomb, with instructions to plant said bomb by, beneath, or ad- jacent to the Theta mansion in order to blow same sk> high. And so, at eight o'clock on tiiis bomby evening we find our heroine on the corner in sore straits. To blow or not to blow, wondered little Eva. Unconsciously, little Eva's tootsies led her in the direc- tion of the Theta house in no time at all (well, practically no time at all ) ; soon she stood before its portals, listening to the deep, rhythmic sounds of earnest study. And here little Eva paused. She hesitated. She wavered, wavered east, west, south and north. North leads with the spade king, east counters with a diamond sluff, south trumps with the ace of hearts, and west tops the raiser two blue chips. Score: Illinois, 62; Northwestern, 4. But she who hesi- tates is lost, and when little Eva finally found herself once more she knew that she could never send these happy, in- nocent maidens, that she could never take a human life, orders from JVIartha van Hyphen Catskill Doakes or no orders from Hyphen van Martha Catskill. So she mooched off, with the minutes swiftly ticking along and the bomb set to explode at eight-thirty. And then, a thought struck little E\a. Zowie ! Slu- could bury the bomb in the ground, and the ensuing ex- plosion would hurt nobody. Nobody but — ah, there was the rub, nobody but the poor blind earthworms . . . Little Eva shuddered. To massacre the naive, happy-go-lucky earthworms — no, a thousand times no. No ! No ! ! NO ! ! ! She decided in the negative. At twelve minutes past eight little Eva thought of tossing the bomb into a tree. But then, the birds; the twittering, peeping birds that sang so sweetly in the morning. She knew one bird who could sing "We're marching for dear old Illini" in six languages, including the Scandinavian. No, she could never kill the birds, God's gift to man. Time was growing short. Eva could hear the time mechanism ticking away like a freshman's heart on his first blind date. At eight-twenty she was about to throw the bomb into the Boneyard, but the thought of the poor little bones, resting there since 1862, uiuierved her. She could never send those bones out of their resting place into gonnos- where — never. And by this time she was really in a heluva fix. Suddenly, with two and three-quarter minutes to go, inspiration struck little Eva like an irrestible force hitting an immovable object (hotcha!) She hastened ahead, her eyes shining with the light that denotes the courage and high moral purposes which makes heroes and martyrs of us. Soon she was at her destination, and with about sixteen seconds to go she placed the bomb beside an imposing build- ing. Now she could tell Catskill Hyphen van Martha a thing or two, now she could face her fellow pledges with her face, now she could go home in peace. Little Eva opened the door and went in. Eour seconds later the Kappa house spread like a cauliflower ear, as the bomb smashed it to smithereens. Yes, despite the fact that she was really kind-hearted and hated to hurt dumb animals, little Eva had come through with a bang! Dorothy Delta's Definitions: abode — almost, approximately abuse — entertain absinthe — not present ample — a fruit abstain — a Jewish surname absurd — to notice, see balm — what a commuiust carries in his hi|i pocket burst — a sausage calm — arrive canaille — a waterway canine — a weapon for discharging heavy shot crane — a waxy chalk curl — a young woman dense — a series of steps timed to music hut — very warm lizard — one with magical powers pond — sixteen ounces pore — without wealth pucker — a favorite fraternity indoor sport rack — to smash, destroy raise — a competitive trial of speed read — a color remembrance — a famous painter sap — an instructor Walter — a liquid used for bathing Girls' Number 11 The SIREN CAMPUS C I MARGE JACOBSON who is a member of Mortar Board, Torch, Sigma Delta Phi, Corresponding Secretary of Woman's League, Mask and Bauble, President of National Collegiate Players, and a member of Sigma Delta Tau. She has been production manager of four plays and shows, and has acted in as many more. Dances beauti- fully and has a southern accent. CROSS BLANCHE KUBALEK— who is President of the Woman's Athletic Association, is a member of Torch and Lambda Omega, has won her major I, and does much to belie the belief that beauty isn't found in the ranks of the lady athletes. LUCILLE HURN who is Presi- dent of Woman's League, a mem- ber of Mortar Board, Torch, Phi Chi Theta and Alpha Gamma Delta, Chairman of the Doll Show Supervision Committee, and a former Y. W. cabinet officer. Being a big shot hasn't elevated her nose above its customary angle. \ Girls' Number 13 .RACATURES by SKIMEN MARTHA ETZBACH — who is President of Mortar Board, Dad's Day General Chairman, a member of Torch, Gamma Alpha Chi and ZTA, not to mention many other varied committees, on all of which she does a surprising amount of work. She thinks men are con- ceited, hates dime cigarettes, and is almost always busy. ALETA FLANINGAM— who is a senior member of the Illini Board of Control, a member of Theta Sigma Phi and of Torch, and was a Junior Editor on the the Dail>- Illini, as well as being one of the swellest eggs that Alpha Chi Omega ever hatched. ESTHER CAROLINE UHL— who is Woman's Business Manager of the W. G. C. D., a member of Mortar Board, Gamma .Alpha Chi (aren't we all?), .Alethenai and the Y. W. C. \., as well as dear old Theta. She has aspirations to be a chiseller, hut's still a trifle rough at the gentle art. 14 The SIREN The landscape gardener falls in love ( (yOiitinuc/1 from Fiif/c V^ Fling the Feline Did you ever play "Fling the Feline?" It's one of the most in- triguing of our modern games — in- vented during Homecoming, and played solely on the lUini campus. Here are the rules as stated in Spaulding's Manual. 1. The court shall consist of a crowded, smoke-filled, campus con- fectionary. 2. The contestants must have had at least three spiked beers — ( number above that unlimited ) . 3. The game shall be played with a cat — either sex — neutral if possi- ble. 4. The object being to seize the cat by his posterior appendage and fling, him, her, or it from booth to booth. No other parts of his, her, or its anatomy may be grasped. The side first completing an entire round of the room, without a fumble, shall score five points. The boys are being encouraged to come out and work for their varsity "I" in this sport, which will be coached by P. P. Prehns. And 'lest we forget— "BEAT NORTHWE S T E R N." — The words of that immortal phrase, like "Arms and the Man," shall forever resound in my ears. And yet we lost. Why? We had the biggest bonfire since the Baptist church burnt down. We had more pep meetings than a two-bit burlesque. Spirits ran higher than gin at the Deke house. Homecoming was wetter than a W. C. T. U. conven- tion in Milwaukee. Can't we put the blame on the Homecoming bags . . . after all you'll have to admit that the team was suspicioush weak. . . . DCs Horse Out Pity the poor Delta Gams who summoned all their alums for 50 miles aroiuid, got all horsed out ami waited dinner for sister Ruth Bryan (^wen (Wm. Jennings Bryan's datter) but the distinguished lady politician did not do the fra- ternal thing — she just didn't get around to lending her illustrious presence to the dinner they had pre- pared in her honor. Add "it's a small world'; the Northwestern co-ed from Peoria who came down to Chambana to meet new men from new places, and double-dated one night with two Peoria men, and barely escaped dating another one (an old playmate, to boot) the night before. Hair on the Chest Dear old Homecoming, when or- dinary fraternity men become strong and hair-on-the-chest-ish — They rip- ped the sound boxes of the Theta first floor phones completely of? the wall ! Nothing like a little cold water and a few hard potatoes to liven up a serenade. Ask the Sigma Nu's! They tell us the boys retaliated with globs of nice, soft, gooey mud. Blanche Waddell, lllini's fairest and the rose of that garden of thorns the Theta house has finally decided that true love is lovely, but ! She used to rate three sneak dates a night. We'll see if the peace and quiet of a pin ruined the old fight. It's back and they're still good friends. Betty Lou Hughes gets her offices in prize fashion. Kappa Tau Alpha didn't even let her know of its meet- ing, and then calmly proceeded to elect her president of the journalistic Phi Betes! What prominent politician forgave the Theta who gave the Scandal Sheet the dirt about him to the ex- tent of escorting leetle Nell to the Michigan game? My, my, Billy, you and your Christian attitude in the midst of so much graft and corrup- tion ! In case this hasn't gotten into print yet. Bill Singer's dawg is reported to have upped and and bitten him, and then upped and died the next day. Avery, the Fishman, went to New York, had a nice vacation, and all for the magnificent sum of $3.50. The Phi Kappa Sigmas are certain- 1\- wise boys ! They had the district attorney-elect at their house dance last Spring, so that in case of a raid there would be no raid. Savvy? And did you hear the sad news about Joslin '33, and football player? He received an invitation from the Iris .society of the Y. W. C. A. the other day — requesting his presence at a tea they were giving and also ask- ing him to bring all his girl-friends along. Pretty big job for one man, eh wot? Girls' Number 15 Drawma Scene — Driveway of Sigma Kappa house. Time 1- :45 a. in. Characters — One Sigma Kappa, one date, certain uncouth individuals. .\ car drives stealthily up and the Sigma Kappa and her date alight. The man cautiously raises a first floor window and boosts the Sigma Kappa into her fraternal home. As he turns lie discovers an interested audience leaning out of the apartment next door. The audience leans still farther out and as one man chants "What's her name? We'd like to know her!" The date turning a bright rose climbs hurriedly into his car and drives away at breakfast speed. Moral — Always reside next to a field of daisies because they won't tell. 1 lello Babe Certain young ladies from North- western who were visiting Cham- paign at Homecoming organized a racket for meeting stray, but hand- some men. The pretty visitors drove through the fraternity district until they chanced upon an attractive man. Then they pulled up to the curb and inquired where such and such houses were. If they happened to mention the \ictim's own pet combination of Greek symbols he was immediately so flattered that he would draw maps or personally conduct a tour to see the house. This usually led to more flattery and frequently cokes, dates, and perhaps lifelong friendships. Anyway the N. U. co-eds returned to Evanston with a high opinion of mini courtesy and also gullibility; and if their N. U. friends ever found it out they just don't know what they'd do. The POP house treasurer is on a big money-saving campaign. So far it has been found that the thing she saves most on are the electric lights in the drawing room when she's in there on a date. I heard some very good advice the other day, and I pass it on to you in the hope that you may perhaps profit by it. If you are fat, and your boy- friend does not like fat people, cli.inge your boy-friend and not your figure! And, incidentally, that ought to be plenty easy down here. Professor Oldfather announced to his bored English 54 class, a week or so ago, that persons who always look happy and contented are those persons who never think. He then went on to add (and what a faux pas it was!) that sorority girls are fi/uviys happy. This same professor ranted on the subject of the ancient Greeks and their art not so long ago. In one of his weaker moments ( I blush to think of it) he stated that the Greeks used their marble for statuary instead of for soda-fountains and lavatories ! For shame. Professor Oldfather! You have shattered one of our dearest illusions — we always thought that was ti/r around the wash- basins. It seems to have become a habit at the Pi Phi house for dates to fall asleep in cars in front of the house and be awakened at one by the house mother. Se.v Mr. Sears announced to his Psych. 2.'i class, this week, that after all, there nrc other things in life besides sex. After having spent nearly two months in his class, I was beginning to have my doubts. Because someone called up the Theta U. hou.se at three a. m. not so long ago, and pulled the worn-out gag about over-night bags, the Theta U's thought they had a burglar and called the police. Said officers of the law arrived just as the D. A. E's appeared on the scene, preparatory to a .serenade. It was a delightful sur- prise for all concerned. Imagine the embarrassment of the Phi Kappa Sigma who called a certain Pi Phi and asked her to go to a dance with him that night, only to be told that she had sprained her ankle when out at a dance with him the night before. This one ought to be given to Ripley — and it's true, by gosh. A certain frosh asked us, last October 12th, if Columbus day were a Jewish hoi id a)! (Continued on Page 19) "Did you-all ring foh de potah, Mam?" -Yale Record 16 The SIREN Girls I Have Hated There was : Irene: She was my first date, when a Freshman, and although she was a little seedy, she meant well — and I've learned that's a big item. She had not yet reached the stage of lipstick, and became hysterical at the thought of a cig- arette — but, as I said before, she meant well. ( Hey — what is that saying about the road to Hell being paved with good intentions?) She wore round garters and rather queer shoes, and actually was a girl who could blush. I took to drinking, and she gave me up for lost. Then there was: Lucille: I met her in someone or other's apartment after 1 a. m. on a Friday night. She had had several drinks. but was all set for several more. She had exotic eyes, which .somehow or other did something to my self-control. She wore her black hair straight back, and in a knot at the bend of her neck. She could look right through me. in the most uncanny way, and yet read my thoughts. (You've guessed 'em). We parted when I discovered that her eyes did things to several other men's self-control, too. Later on, I found : Marie: She was an awfully sweet girl. Nothing at all artificial about her. Was wild about movies, but I dreaded taking her to them, because she insisted on giving imper- sonations of the actresses, when she came out. She made Torch, or some such thing and became quite supercilious after that. We broke up when I learned that she had two fraternity pins stowed away somewhere. Another one was : Nadia: She wore green velvet lounging pajamas, and smoked her cigarettes out of a carved jade holder. Her eye- lashes were the longest I have ever seen, and she knew how to use them. She also knew how to kiss. Consequently, she managed to purloin my fraternity pin, and I had one helluva time getting it back. Her role was that of a Mary Magdalene, minus the repentance. I fell for it in a big way. And then I met : Gay: She was a silly little thing. I often wonder what has happened to her. Sonicthing must have happened, be- cause she's the type that always finds excitement. She wore me out, chasing after it. She loved taffy-apples, peppermint sticks, and practical jokes. I think she even loved me, after her fashion. I felt sorry for her, because she did have her moments of seriousness, when she realized that life wasn't always the joke she would like it to be. She flunked out of school, after one semester. And now, after all these years, Fm back to: Irene: She's no longer seedy — in fact, she's away ahead of me, and Fm doing my darndest right now. to catch up with her — but several other people have the same idea. After four years in a sorority, she has learned what clothes can do for a woman — especially one such as she is. She has learned, also, the gentle art of lipstick, but still refuses cig- arettes. Fm quite mad about her, and think she's just a little mad about me, too. I feel right now, as I have felt several times before, that I will never love anyone else — but this time I am doggone sine of it. Men I Have Loved Michael: He took me to all the nicest places, and we went back and forth in cabs. His cigarettes he smoked in a holder which was carved from an elephant's tusk, and he wore a cameo ring. But he loved onions. Jimmy: He was a platinum blond, and wore deep blue ties which just matched his eyes. He drank gin with grace unequaled. He drove a Stutz roadster and knew the best places to park. But he couldn't dance. Percy: He had three tuxedoes. He could have posed for the Arrow Collar ads. He belonged to the fraternity. He even made the basket-ball team. He honestly loved me, and I wore his pin for a semester. Then he and his folks went to California. Frank: He was a town-boy. Belonged to the Cham- paign Country Club, and I went to some nice parties there. He almost always wore silk polo shirts which showed off his broad shoulders to advantage. He won medals for s\\Mmming, and even made a 5-point one semester. But my sorority sisters objected to his rude manners. Bill: He is my last. We go to a dance now and then, and we take the bus. He has only one tuxedo, and he is neither an athlete nor a Phi Beta Kappa. He is not hand- some and his clothes are not always Bond Street. But he has the most beautiful hands I have seen, the most wonder- ful smile imaginable, and he's crazy about me. And Cjod. how I love him ! Girls' Numher 17 © 1932, Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. frb bailing. Sailing, over the Dounding Main In over eighty countries ... no matter where you may go, by land or by sea or by air . . . you can always buy Chesterfields. Their reputation for Mildness and Better Taste is international. Just ask for the ciga- rette that satisfies. The cigarette that's MILDER The cigarette that TASTES BETTER ;^ I Wherever you buy Chesterfields, you get them just as fresh as if you came by our factory door 18 The SIREN Kaptain Klean Says — Send Your Laundry, Dry Cleaning, Pressing, Rug Cleaning, Fur Glazing and Fur Storage to the WHITE LINE — Phone 4206 "Get the Best and Pay No More" EGBERT ON THE PORCH or What Price Virtue ? (Ed Note — By some mistake the printer set up this chapter instead of WHAT PRICE FOC^TBALL? or did he do it on purpose?) As our dear reader will remember, Egbert had fallen from grace (not spelled with a capital) and Hortense no longer looked with favor upon him. But he would make amends. He called her on the phone, and asked her for a date. How nice it was to hear her husky voice! Strange, all the Kappa Betas whom he had met had husky voices and some people said that husky voices were caused from intoxicants. But, no, girls so beautiful and clever wouldn't drink. After much thought the girl thought that she could see him two weeks from the next Sunday. "How nice," thought Egbert, "she must love me!" What did he care if the Betas beat his (delete) ! The world was beautiful, the breath of romance (or was it halitosis?) was in the air. She loved him! Faithfully he worked on the ///;/;/. buying cokes for all who would listen to his tale. Of course, he never said just who she was, but would drop subtle hints as to her identity. Most of the boys soon knew that Egbert was gone on the Kappa Phi Beta pledge. And this was strange as the Beta house president also thought, as he put, that "she was pretty nice." At last the two weeks rolled by. Egbert called her on the phone in the afternoon. He waited patiently until she came. "Oh, hello, Morrie," she cooed into the mouthpiece. Surely, thought Egbert, there must be some mistake. The head of the Beta house was often called that but could it be possible . . .? O green-eyed God of Jealousy, has thou found another subject? He called for her punctually at five-thirty. They went to Hanley's to eat (Note to ad. mgr. — couldn't we get a rake-off on these ads), and walked around until nigh unto seven-thirty. Pledges to sororities must be in by seven- thirty on Sunday nights so that the actives can have a chance. They sat down on the porch svdng. Gently she laid her head on his shoulder, protesting not at all as he pulled her closer to him. She must love him! Slowly she turned her face up to meet his. As she broke away from their first kiss, she purred, "Take me up to the Chicago game." That, thought Egbert, was a real idea. "Take me up for that and the next week we're having a house dance. I want you to come to that, Egbert." Oh, joy! Oh, bliss! Little did Egbert reckon that she meant for him to come as a date for her cousin. Time enough for that after the Chicago game, to which Morrie wouldn't take her. "O. K. !" breathed Egbert, a little strongly perhaps. She must love him. "I'll buy the tickets tomorrow." He walked home in a trance, and in a trance he stayed luitil he figured out the cost of such a week-end. He traced the prices on margin of the notebook in which Johnny, his room-mate thought he was studying. Here it was: Tickets $ 5.50 Transportation 5.00 (He could ride up in John's rumble seat) Saturday night and Sunday morning.-. 10.00 Miscellaneous 4.50 $25.00 But, wasn't Hortense worth such a paltry figure? Of course! But he could see what the boys meant by saying, "What Price Football?" (Ed. note — maybe it was our faidt; this is the right chapter after all). And so they went to the football game and since Mr. Frederick says we can't leave the campus in our nice car we'll have to leave them here and wait, with our reader, until next month to hear of EGBERT GOES BACK HOME or THE GIRL HE LEFT BEHIND. Girls' Number 19 (Continued from Page 15) Feather Beds Imagine the consternation (is that the word?) of the audience at one of the various literary society's ama- teur productions this year. The play depicted the beginiu'ngs of life in the garden of Eden, and Adam walked across the stage to his own creation ! Professor Paul broke down and confessed to his English 42 class a secret which I imagine he has been hiding for years. ( At least he should have been). In Oberammergau, when he was there, the feather beds were so high he had to get a step- ladder in order to get Mrs. Paul into bed. We have all heard and read of dashing Beau Brummels keeping their lady-friends in clothes and cars, but this is a new one : a certain young man down here keeps the lady of his acquaintance well supplied with cans of tomato juice. If you don't believe it. call 7-2274 for information. Art Leasure is leading a double life. He is both a fraternity' brother and a sorority sister. He may eat and sleep at the Delta Theta Phi house, but he always attends seminar with the Phi Omega Pi pledges. The POPs have promised (or is it threat- ened?) to present him with ribbons in the near future. And for whose benefit, if I may be so brash as to ask it, is the de- livery room in the library? Babes and Sucklings "Out of the mouths of babes . " Billie. Delta Zeta, went to the Virginia last night, as the story goes. And there were the usual newsreels — pretty much taken up with the coming election this time. "Oh," said Billie. as she began to comprehend what the pretty pictures were all about, "There's going to be an election for President next March, isn't there?'" Bob Butler, Delta Theta Phi, went Prehning last Saturday night at one o'clock, and had to be in- formed by the lady at the desk that his cheek was smeared with lipstick ! WHAT A THRILL/ PleJc^ed to ^'^ EATA PACKA LIFE SAVERS CANDY WITH TH THE TASTE SENSATION OF THE CAMPUS He Didn 't Find It! The gentleman was trying to find something wrong with COAL From NOGLE & BLACK, LNC. I'lionc •.':!.">.■) 70'.' North Neil Street KK.\TKRNITV KATKS 20 The SIREN FRESHMAN SOPHOMORK A College Man The Evolution of JUNIOR SENIOR -Texas Lontihorn Girls' Number 21 Chimneys to BVD's Having wondered for yars and yars what the chimneys on the librar\- were good for, I at last learned today that they are merely for decorative purposes, and I thought mebbe you also might like to know. Even being laid out in a coffin is no excuse for cutting Professor Waltz's speech class. Said Prof, gave an absent student an E (horrid word) for the day, just because his shining countenance was not lighting up the classroom. When the other students objected, stating that the party concerned was ill. Professor Waltz announced that even being ticati ( another horrid word ) should not prevent one from attending his class. Silence is golden, the POP pledges have learned. Last Monday night, the pledgemother had the ten of them (they have ten now) lined up against the wall, and, with a withering look cast in the direction of the guilty little blonde, announced that one of them had been seen on a sneak date the preceding night. "Oh," gasped three startled brun- nettes simultaneously, "I didn't think anyone smv me !" One never knows, does one? Mr. Houghton, of the sociology depart- ment is learning new things about customs. This very morning he was trying to explain to his bored and dumb freshman how customs have continued through the years, even when there is no need for them. To illustrate, he asked the class what good the three buttons on men's coat sleeves were — and wound up with the query, "And why do we have slits in our lapels?" One frosh, brighter than the rest, ventured the suggestion that they were for pledge buttons. We would like to warn Boh Young to be more discreet about where he leaves his underwear. Al- most all packages look alike when wrapped, and consequently automo- bile seats are not safe places for the disposal of such personal apparel. Elsie Minier can testifv to that. GET THE CO-OP HABIT These two stores are yours — operated by a Student Board of Directors entire- ly for your benefit. A TRULY GREAT STUDENT ENTERPRISE ITHE STUDENTS SUPpS" ^OREsI :»■: South Mathews I'rbana 610 East Daniel Champaign THE HOUSE OF HITS RIALTO •■■ ^ THEATRE V^ Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday November 13, 14, 15, 16 Mighty Five Star Cast GEORGE RAFT "DIAMOND LIL" MAE WEST ALISON SHIPWORTH CONSTANCE CUMMINGS WYNNE GIBSON IN THK KOMANTK I)|{ A.MA "NIGHT after NIGHT" Paramount's story of daring, exciting people, living reckless lives "The Cinemajority Go to the Rialto" 22 The SIREN The Cinemagraph Rialto "Tiger Shark," telling the story of "de beeges' dam' feeshermau in whole Pacific Ocean, " plays from November 10-12. It's a story of the biggest sea game, told in the biggest way. Edward G. Robinson leads as Capt. Mascarena, supported by Richard Arlen and Zita Johann. It's packed with just about as much action as any romance film could be. A speakeasy is the locale of "Night After Night," opening on the 13th for a four-days run. The romance of a third-rate pug with social as- pirations makes a swell story, com- bined with the mystery and polite gang warfare found in this picture. George Raft, Constance Cummings and the notorious Mae West are the leads. Who was the lad\ who came to "No. 55" every night, always sit- ting alone? "Madison Square Garden" is a grand picture of the fight racket, showing both the straight and crooked sides, and putting across the glamour that attaches itself to the name of the Garden. There's a real collection of stars in this picture, headed by Jack Oakie, and including Marian Nixon, Tom Meighan, ZaSu Pitts and Lew Cody, as well as the ever-popular Warren Hymer. This photoplay runs November 17, 18, IQ. Every one of your favorite radio stars is found in "The Big Broad- cast," which not only succeeds in bringing together all the important radio stars, but also contains a plot that's a laugh romance from start to finish, Stuart Erwin, Bing Crosby and Leila Hyams play the leads, and "The Big Broadcast" includes the Mills Brothers, the Boswell Sisters. Vincent lyopez. Cab Calloway and others. Foiu'-day run, starting the 20th. Virginia John Barrymore is starred in "A Bill of Divorcement," playing from November 10-12. He is seen as a shell-shocked soldier who finds his home and his friends have little place for him when he returns from the hospital fteen years after the Armis- tice. Billie Burke plays opposite Barrymore in this stirring film. On Sunday, 13, the V^irginia fea- tures four acts of RKO vaudeville, while on the screen "The Last Mile" IS seen. "Grand Hotel" begins a five-day run on the 14th. This production, with its all-star cast of Ciarbo, the brothers Barrymore, Crawford, Stone, Hersholt and others, needs little introduction. This is a second run, played by popular demand, but the picture has not been cut. This is the first time that it has played in the Twin-Cities at popular prices. Here in Grand Hotel the fates of a magnate, a dancer, a stenographer, a baron and a clerk are all thrown to- gether. There is truly a world of romance in this picture. In the near future Tallulah Bank- head and Robert Montgomery will appear in "Faithless," as will Jean Harlow and Clark Gable in the tempestuous play, "Red Dust." Orpheum Zane Grey's "Golden West" plays in this theater on the 13th of No- vember, with George O'Brien tak- ing the lead. This is followed on the 15th by the German play, "Liebeswalzer," the Love Waltz. On the 16th and 17th Maureen O'Sullivan appears in "Payment De- ferred," while the female racketeer- ing show "Hatcheck Girl, " with Sally Eilers and Ginger Rogers plays on the 18th and 19th. "Wild Girl" appears on the 20th, with Joan Ben- nett and Richard Farrell. Park November 10-11, Constance Ben- nett in "What Price Holl}'\vood !" 12, "Wayward," featuring Nancy Carroll and Richard Arlen; 13, Chic Sale in "Stranger in Town"; 14, the Powell-Francis team in "Jewel Rob- bery" ; 16, Johnny Mack Brown in "Flames"; 17-18, "Bird of Para- dise," with Joel McCrea and Dolores Del Rio; 19, Tim McCoy in "Dar- ing Danger" ; 20, Lowell and Mc- Laglen in 'Guilty as Hell"; 21-22, "Forgotten Commandments"; 23, Jack A^Iulhall in "Sinister Hands" ; 24-25, the Four Marx Brothers in "Horsefeathers" ; 26, Jack Holt in "Behind the Mask"; 27, Lee Tracey in "Doctor X"; 28-29, "Vanishing Frontier," with Johnny Mack Brown; 30, Clive Brook and Claud- ette Colbert in "The Man From Yesterday." December 3, Bob Steele in "The Man From Hell's Edges" ; 4, Ricardo Cortez and Helen Twelve- trees in "Is My Face Red?"; 7, 'The (iood Spirit," featuring Linda Watkins; 8-9, Holt and Graves in "War Correspondent"; 10, Tim McCoy in "Riding Tornado." Girts' Number 23 The Ideal Go-ed Aicording to Chase: She is intelligent, amiable, and — ah — virtuous. She is — ah — virtuous, amiable, and intelli- gent. She is first of all, intelligent; second of all, amiable; and last of all — no, that won't do. She is first of all — oh, why lie about it? According to Dean Leonard: She looks the world squarely in the face, and bows not her head down. She puts herself (herself — get that) on a pedestal, and spends the rest of her life keeping people from breaking it. She wears horn-rimmed glasses, has no eight o'clock on Saturday mornings, and is home by two on Friday nights. According to Ziippke: She does not date the football team. In fact she makes her sorority sisters, who du date the team, send the boys home early .so they will not break training rules. (And herself and her own date.) She cheers the Illinois football team with lusty vigor — at least until the opposing team has made four touchdowns. According to Iler Professors: She stays awake for at least the first fifteen minutes of lecture — which is more than most of the other students do. She laughs at our jokes. She stops after class to tell us that she is getting more our of this course than any other she has ever taken. She cuts quizes, but always has an original excuse — which is a boon in this day of well-worn alibis. According to the College Men: She may, or may not. hold her liquor. She may or may not, smoke. She may or may neck. She alivays thinks she is different, although she's cut out of the same pattern all the rest of them were. But anyway, she knows enough to order cokes instead of chicken sandwiches, and sometimes she can take good notes in a class which we cut. She may slide through College by the skin of her teeth, but she does have interesting clothes, and she's a marvelous dancer. And I suppose there's really not much more that one can expect. According to the Co-ed Herself: She is a dream in- carnate. Her eyes are flecked with starlight, and her hair is dusted with moonbeams. Her kisses are for the few, al- though her dates are for the masses. A pin from the best fraternity is her aim, although she will attend other House Dances — for variety. She has her Professors eating out of her hand, and she makes all the best committees. And even if she is a washout, she's a luxury on this campus. The Average Co-ed's Evening Conversation I'm so sorry I'm late, I (1) was so thrilled at having a date with you I put on the wrong dress, (2) had to wash the dishes, (3) just got back from another date. I think (1) this moonlight is gorgeous, (2) this cold weather is so stimulating, (3) this warm weather is lovely, ( 4 ) that rain is so romantic. Where are we going, (1) coking, (2) on a toot, (3) to the movies, (4) to a dance, (5) home nou/ Thanks a lot for the (1) coke, (2) movie, (3) dance, (4) beer, (5) pin, (6) black eye, (7) kiss, (8) lousy time I had. Do (1) call me up, (2) come again, (3) give my love to your folks, (4) go to hell. Speedometers Generator and Starter Repairing BATTERY Delco Batteries, United Motor and Trico Windshield Wiper Service Clements Battery and Electric Service 307 South Neil Street Phone 3883 Champaign \, PICTURES ARE INDISPENSIBLE SUCCESSFUL PUBLICATION Ph ot'0''Eno'r>>inps Colo nplat^ J~» G^tfoi'- litttd G.R.GRUBB e CO ,„ ENGRAVERS i . CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS - y g'tJ'Cr^^^ / 24 The SIREN Two-bits! is easy to say — hut hard to get THE SIREN Announces Its New Price OF 15c On the News Stands THE NEW PRICE IS EFFECTIVE WITH THE NOVEMBER ISSUE (Continued from Page 5) We Wonder If The average college student loves his teachers — or is it only the Phi Betes that do — or is one in relation to the other? One what? We don't know, we were only wondering. The campus knows all about the latest scandal-sheet scandal? It seems as though Koval, Eta Bete, was the business manager of the affair, and it was his idea to get rid of all graft! Yes sir! He was a purist in these matters of graft and he wasn't going to graft — not one bit, not even two-bits. Well, any- way, he gave the contract to the con- cern and they had a gentlemen's agreement that the price was fifty dollars. They didn't put it in writ- ing, since it was a gentlemen's agree- ment — and no mention was made of such things as office-proof charges or such. Well, the story is short and sweet. Sigma Delta Chi's wonder- ing when the bill will come. The report, as we go to press, has it that the latest news mentioned the fact that their bill was $96 and going up. It is an opinion that this depression wouldn't last so long if we had more Kovals, and further, if we did have more of 'em the depression would have been over long ago — since the whole thing's merely a matter of time. The story's going around that Tom Kennedy of the Theta Delt house is in love again, with the same girl as before. We think that's sweet, quaint, and naive. Tom doesn't be- lieve as Peter Arno does — that a man just can't help being casual about love — says you; says me! (Which is parellelism.) We Maintain That the Delta Gam house is closed up, since we don't hear a thing about 'em any more — absolutely not a thing my dear! That all of the houses have turned their attention from activities and publicity to the universal attempt to "get by" in these days of heroic gestures. That the average POP isn't as loud as what she is seems to infer. 1 Where can you get so much Good Writing Paper FOR SO LITTLE MONEY 300 Note Sheets Formerly 200 ISO Envelopes . Formerly "XOO 4 5 O Pieces . . . Formerly 300 o^// Printed ivith your Name and Address «ioo 1 POSTPAID "W DOy'T see how you do it!" That's M. the gist of the flood of lettets -^-e have received from old friends and new since an- nouncing our new "450" Package. We knew the "450" Package would amaze everyone. Here's why. The ordinary' box of stationer)' contains 24 sheets and 24 envel- opes. The "450" Package contains 300 sheets and 150 envelopes ! Cheap paper? Not a bit of it. Finer paper is used in the "450" Package than in many boxes of high priced social stationery ! And each sheet and envelope is neatly printed with your name and address — the smart and logical way to have your stationery finished. It is convenient — protects your let- ters from loss in the mails — helps business houses get your name accurately and lends a neat distinaion to your notes. Two million people can't be wrong — and tv\o millK)n people have sent to Peru, Indi- ana, for American Printed Stationery ! Tr)'it. It's the same snle note paper we have sold for 18 years — same printed name and ad- dress — same correct size, 6 x 7 — same price. But the quantity is now 50% greater! Send one dollar — check, bill or money order (Si. 10 west of Denver and outside of U. S.). Your package will be printed and mailed within 3 days of the receipt of your order. Sold by mail only. No agents or dealers. Absolute satisfaaion guaranteed. AS CHRIbTIVIAS ulFTd Being printed with the recipient's name and address, American Stationery makes a distinctly personal gift — and a most pleasing one. Simple, near, fine quality, in good taste— and inexpen- sive. Make up your Christmas list at once. All orders printed and mailed within 3 days of receipt of instructions. THE AMERICAN STATIONERY COMPANY, 700 PARK AVE., PERU, IND. Origiiititor and Wor/J's Largat Muii/z/^iclnrer of Printed Sole Paper Here is SI. 00 for a box of "450" Stationery to be printed as shown below. ($1.10 west of Denver and outside of U.S.) AdJ'ijj- OVER 2,000,0 00 CUSTOMERS — ALL OVER THE WORLD Fo- lease, a Camel! I. -F there's anything fresher than the freshman's first plea for a kiss, it must be a Camel. These fine cigarettes of blended choice Turkish and mild sun-ripened Domestic tobaccos are made fresh — never parched or toasted — and kept fresh in the Camel Humidor Pack. That's why every puff of their mild throat- friendly fragrance will prompt you to say, "Here is perfection in smoking enjoyment." R. J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO COMPANY, Winslon-Salem, N. C. JVfrer purvhcil or toastvil © 1932. R. J. Reynoldf" Tohacco Company Camels Millie FRESU — £ When you're in a Hot Spot -light a cool OLD GOLD Finer tobacco, that's the answer. Queen-leaf tobacco from the heart of the stalk. The choicest and coolest burning of all Turkish and domestic. Get this, folks: OLD GOLDS are FULL-WEIGHT not a cough in a carload I P.I.orillard Co.. Inc. Holidays Xiitvher Christmas Gifts at Today's Prices Greeting Cards As fine a showing as you will see. Select yours now while the stock is complete. Give Books There are some wonderful books out this year. \ ou are sure to want more of them than you need. We invite you to browse in our Book Shop. Books for every age Msit the Co-Op Gift Shop It is filled with choicest novelties and gift articles at pleasant prices. Stationery is a practical gift. Our showing is complete now and the varietj' will please you. IlHni Articles We carry the largest assortment of Univer- sit\ souvenirs such as pennants, blankets, book ends, stationery, jewelry, shields, etc. Select Your Gifts N^oic and Have Us Hold Them For You THE CO-OP WRIGHT GREEN Why Light Bills Are Higher in Winter uamaa UGHIMG ms.tBiiw> AFTEiNOOH AM> EVBaiG 12.-00 4eOO aso NOON P.M. TM. 1200 MDNISHT oo AJ«. MOSNMG »00 1200 AM. NOOh MMMtr &51 ramuxi i2» =^"^\ ^ BTH? 1 / --=: 1 y M*«CH <.!» f - \ -"-"'- y ^ tm. iM }5MM le^^Hp^ 4S5P"=B^ MAT 2.95 JUNE US 1 \ ■ . JU.Y no [ I AUGUST 3J5 7 ,3:;!:- ' se>TEMaaioo --■-/ 1 OCTOta 4.90 r -=- ~-,r- ^n ^^g B K 1 NovBuaus 1 / -^-v 1 \ i oecEMta 645 1 1 ^~- 1 t 1 month in the year. It will be noted that the average use of electric light is greatest in December and that as the hours of daylight gradu- ally increase the use of electricit>' for lighting purposes is greatly lessened. It is well to keep in mind that the changing seasons have a direct effect on the amount of electricit>' used in the average household. IN the average home die amount of elec- tricity used for lighting purposes is con- siderabK greater during the winter months than during the summer when the sun is on the job for a greater number of hours. The accompanying chart shows at a glance wh\ electric bills are higher in winter than in summer months. It indicates the number of artificial lighting hours per day for each ^ LOIS ^ Vower and Light Coiporation The SIREN What? • No Santa Glaus? 'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Alpha Delt Not a creature was stirring frat man Not even a louse they all have 'em, even the A. O. Pi's The bottles were empty And piled in heaps A The drunken brethren wear pins Were there for keeps couldn't move (stiff) When who should arrive But the old Kappa Bete honorary Saint Nick and the frau don't believe it, he's single On their annual date made by a friend for a friend With a whoop and a shout noise He made the rounds third one on the house And caught up on the gang assembly By leaps and bounds prodigious jumping The night was stormy rocky and wet And as it grew all parties are like that The prexy decided Just what he'd do minor storm (brain) "He's too well known b. m. o. c. Got too much dough best recommendation For me to let him Pledge Alpha Chi Rho" Ag honary So they took Saint Nick Nickolas to you Aside and said hot boxing You'll pledge our house Or leave it — dead — termed sand bagging So that, dear fellow-students, females included, is the reason why Daddy will tell you that there ain't no Santa Claus. It all happened a long, long time ago — when pledging was more akin to the manly arts than it is now — the whole trouble lay in the fact that Santa "just couldn't take it" maybe he was fussy ? We'll never know — there ain't any Santa Clause no more. Holidays Number CARL J. DUESER Edilor-iii-Chu-j WILLIAM A. ZOELLER Business Manager Editorial Staff Donald F. Mulvihill hsoeiale Editor R. D. La Fond Issislant Editor Wilfred J. Brogden Office Manager James Davis David Eldred Nita Ramey IV Oman's Editor Miriam Van Buskirk Exchange Editor Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day Lillian Stanford Winnie Haslam Lynn Pierce Art Editor Jane Fauntz Associate Art Editor D. M. Meskimen Assistant Art Editor H. Samuel Kruse Ted Parmelee Evelyn Lantz Florentia Metzger Adeline Cross Julie McHale Betty Ross Business Staff Donald Faulkner Idvertising Manager H. H. Otten. Assistant Advertising Manager Wm. Dalton Circulation Manager Murray Shrader Copy Manager Elaine Geidell Office Manager Wilbur J. Thompson Collection Manager Assistants Betty Goby, Doris Frazin, Seymour Hershman, Lillian Saltzman, Adele Pohl Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illi- nois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Office at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication. Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Address all communications, Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Illinois. Copyright, 1932, by The Siren. Exclusive reprint right granted to OJlgeHnmOr magazine. The SIREN THE TAIL OF THE MAGI Eighty-seven cents. That was all. And fifty cents of it was in nickels. Nickels saved one and two at a time by walking out of Prehn's and telling the cashier at Leonard's that one's beers had been of the ten cent variety. Three times Alicia counted it. Eighty-seven cents. And the next day would be Drunk Night — I mean Xmas. There was clearly nothing to do but go over to Leonard's with a PiKA and drink beer. So Alicia did it. Which instigates the moral reflection that life is made up of PiKAs, Leonard's, and beer, with PiKAs, Leonard's, and beer predominating. While Alicia is out boosting the house rating, let's take a look at her troubles. Alicia is a Havva Cry, and her Joe is a Cry Sigh. They are very damp citizens, but their mothers love them and they wear each other's high-school rings, so wottahell? Ah, Youth! Alicia is a town girl and Danny, her Joe, lives out in Spokane and his kid sister just caught scarlet fever, which I think satisfactorily ex- plains why they are stuck in Chambana over the w. k. holi- days. Danny is very proud of his babe on account of she wears swell madam chairman glasses with platinum frosting, and with these glasses she reads good literature. All good little Havva Crys read good literature through m. c. glasses and become sweet and pure influences for the May Fete and the Illio staff and the Star Course. That is why Danny would make so many library dates with Alicia, so he could show people the intelligent jane he was dating. Alicia is very proud of her Danny because he has such a dazzling smile, which comes from a gold tooth in the most prominent part of his mouth. Alicia would always stand up for Danny because even though he had a funny mouth underneath it all was a tooth of gold, and she tried to be very witty (mind you, a Havva Cry) in public so Danny would smile and scatter synthetic sunshine. So Alicia wants to give Danny a beautiful Xmas present, worthy of Danny and worthy of the tooth. But what to do about it when one has only eighty-seven cents? (We've heard the song before). An idea! Alicia rushes out and sells her beautiful m. c. glasses to a Delta Zeta who has social ambitions, and buys the Gift of gifts for Danny, some imported gold tooth polish. On Christmas day Alicia waits anxiously for Danny. Will he cast her aside for a Kappa now that she no longer can sneer through a plate-glass front ? When Danny ar- rives he suggests they wait until after dinner to exchange presents. (Is he smart, the chiseler). At dinner Danny notices that the m. c. glasses are absent and he is struck by the fact that Alicia would look less like a damn chipmunk and more like a human being, or a co-ed, if she left them off oftener. Alicia notices that Danny does not smile much and she has made enough puns to fill up the Scout, and still no laughs, no smiles from Danny, which isn't very tactful as even the Scout is appreciated by some freshmen. Just when the situation grows tense (coming in tense and twenties) the dinner party breaks up and Alicia is restored to good humor for here is her big moment. "Alicia," says Danny, "put on your glasses and have a look at what Santa's Claws brung you." And he hands her a copy of the book, the one she had longed for, "A Liberal Sex Education for Good Girls" or "Help the Pure." "Alas," sighed Alicia. "I can never read it, for I sold my glasses to buy a present. Rut smile and be merry for you will never again have a dull look." And she handed him the gold tooth polish. Danny shook his head sadly and then gathered Alicia into his aiTns. "Sweetheart, this is how I paid for your present." As he smiled down at his babe, her horro;- turned to convulsions, for where had once shone the leading light of the campus now opened a lonely wind-gap. The Charge of the Lonely Jade Men to the right of me Men to the left of me Paid no attention Men in my classes And men on the broadwalk Gave me no mention Then came a blind date We fell in love at sight He said he loved me. And I took his pin that night. Men to the right of me Men to the left of me Still no attention Men in my classes And men on the broadwalk Give me no mention Heed now this warning, girls If you would dated be. Wear not "his" Greek badge For other men to see. I Holidays Number 4W^ -Harvard Lampoon "Do you zcant yours Extra Supreme De Luxe or H'lthout sauerkrautf* The SIREN DOES HISTORY REPEAT? A Short Dirge in E Minor Time—????? C. O. D. 3 weeks before Xmas. Place — In a frat house somewhere in old Castoria. Characters (In no special order). President — Aristotle. Secretary — Wolsey. Commissary — Scrooge. House Cop — Al Capone. Social Chairman — Henry VIII. Rushing Chairman — Adolph Hitler. Pledge Class — Eddie Cantor. Aristotle: (In flicking the ashes from his butts). Well fellahs, all first class frats must give a Christmas dinner dance. We are a first class frat. Therefore we must give a Christmas dinner dance. Capone: (Wiping his nose on his sleeve). Listen guy, you're flunking philosophy right now, so don't pull any of your pet syllogisms on us. Scrooge: Phooey. What are we gonna use for money? Wolsey (enthusiastically) : Say, Henry, how much shoidd a good band set us back? Henry VIII: Well, now I can get the Pied Piper and his rats for a d good price. Scrooge: Nuts! It's the eating at this brawl that's worrying me. Wolsey: Aw, the hell with it. I'll impose a tax on the boys. That's what I like to do. (Rubs his hands together). Scrooge: (Spitting through his fingers into the fire- place). That's a good idea. I'll collect it. Capone: O, That spit is gonna cost you just two-bits. Wolsey: (frowning). Don't say spit. It's a horrid word. Aristotle: Well, gents, I conclude from the premises that we are going to have the dance. Am I right or am I right? The rest: (in unison). Atta boy — Hang right in there. Henry VIII: (breathing). Let's set the date now. Boy! Have I got the nuts of an import coming over from Spain. Has she an average? Hitler: Yeah. No hits — no runs — and no errors. Wolsey : Is she white ? Capone: No, but she writes a beautiful hand. Aristotle: I'm sure she comes from a family of fine calibre. Hitler: Of course — twenty-two blank. Henry VIII: Nertz to youse guys. Scrooge : We ain't gonna have enough money. Henry VII: (in disgust). Quit griping. Hitler: Say prexy, are house rules gonna be off for that night? Aristotle: (looking at Henry). No dates will be taken above the second floor. Henry VIII: Say, listen, that's a helluva thing! I can see this dance is gonna be a flop ! Capone: (regretfully.) I'm sorry boys, but you know how I feel about drinking in the house. The pledge class walks nonchalantly across the hall. Aristotle: Hey — Eddie, get on your horse and Cantor over to my hotcha's hovel and tell her she's invited to our house dance. If we can raise the money Hitler: Why don't you give up? Aristotle: Who are we gonna get to be chaperone? Capone : Do we have to have 'em ? Henry VIII: That's what I say. Hitler: How about old man Josef from Austria. Henry VIII: I'll have none of his big lip around here. Besides his brat didn't pledge here. The pledge class comes in again. Cantor: (out of breath). Mr. Aristotle, your hotcha says her big dog is in town and she can't come to the dance. Aristotle: (gnashing his teeth and striving to keep back another syllogism). Somebody gimme a drink. Cantor: Me too! Hitler: (giving the prexy a snort). Scram! Pledge. Cantor: (muttering as he is booted out). Now when I am president ! Wolsey: What kind of grub are we gonna have with, this brawl ? Hitler: May I suggest liquid refreshments. Scrooge: Ham — hocks and salted cream puffs if wej don't raise some money. Hitler: (after several snorts). Whoops! Boys, I'm] looking forward to a little kicking the gong around with] my Katrinka. Voice from upstairs: Hey, for X's sake, pipe down,] study rules! Wolsey: My God, a student in the house! Capone : Must be a guest. (Continued on Page 23) Holidays \ umber SIREN'S BEAUTY CONTEST WINNERS Photographs by Paul Stone-Raymor JANE AMES JANE OWENS JOSEPHINE GAUEN The SIREN In the Limelight Madame D'horsie Connors again grabs the limelight by sending her autographed photo — with the serial number across the customary snowy bosom — to "my best friends and customers," as the attached circular from one of the harder-up stores states. . . . Such is fame greater than even Roy Hilligoss, the Kappadel- tarho girdle boy receives. . . . Or, Dick Martin, who is still looking for his Pi Lambda Sig. . . . Chuck Wilson, recently seen much- ly with little Aldis, the Alfafi dream girl, announces with a flourish of bronx cheers that he is throwing the customary, yet famed Illini Xmas brawl in the Dill Pickle Club, Chi- cago, this 28th day of November. Them as can stand such afifairs will be forced to part with less than a dollar to attend. Wilson has not yet promised to not act as master of cere- monies, but as we remember the place no one cares much about hear- ing or seeing anything. . . . Recently was hung the Phigam badge of the great Leek, the Fiji bid for track fame, upon the romantical- ly rhyming Virginia Rech of Gam- mafi. . . . About as far east as the brethren have travelled for some time. . . . Miss Rech, when asked if her enamored was a fast man re- plied, "You mean on the track, of course? . . . That's what living on Nevada does for a person. . . . Said gal, we think, has more than a slight resemblance to Rosselle, the beauty- contester. . . . We Have With Us Why did one of the chaperones at the recent Alfachiro tangle so gaily reinark that she would "Just sit at the head of the stairs on the second floor to remind people that they were supposed to leave their wraps and then go down and dance." We wonder if she was kicked in the back by people coming down. . . . And very neat was the import date from Chi who brought along his radio petite, attaching it to a light socket in a Prehn booth after the or- chestra wailed out its last blue note With this number of the Siren we introduce a new artist, as far as this publication is concerned. . . . Ernie Freed, of whom many nice things are said out art school way, is the cover portraitist. . . . Tom On Leash Miss Hazlett (Phd. to you), the tailored lady of the Math. Dept., in- vited a gentleman of the faculty over to her apartment to see if the piano needed tuning, but she insisted that he bring a maiden aunt as chaperone. When not occupied in calling the fire department to let her in her apart- ment. Miss Hazlett may be seen promenading down California lead- ing her pet tomcat on a leash. When the Pi K A house picture was made, only one of the infamous Pettibohn twins was on hand, so they took a double exposure of him. It is also rumored that a Tri Delt scratched one so she could tell which one was her date. The Theta Xis observe their rule of no drinking in the house, but they do say that there is no law against leaning out the window for purposes of imbibing if there is someone to hold your ankles. Louis McLean wants to know if the Doll Show is a Mask and Bauble production or just another beauty contest. Lillian Tashman's article in a re- cent periodical must have been ded- icated to college women ; it was titled "Whose Clothes Are You Wearing?" Notice on library bulletin board — Private Tutoring. Edna Sale Mc- Coy. Graduate of Northwestern School of Speach. Ed. note — Are you sure you graduated, Edna? Holidays Number Imagine the embarrassment of Bob Maley, head usher at the Rach- maninoff Concert some weeks ago. If you recall, in true Urbana fashion, it poured cats and dogs that night. One of the skylights in the Audi- torium was broken, and consequent- ly several of the chairs got drenched. The program was about to start, when a very excited old lady came tearing up to the aforementioned Bob to tell him in a distinctly audible whisper that her seat was wet! Pollyanna Apropos of Illio pictures. Pro- fessor Paul sagely remarked that a photographer always looks for a woman's best view, and a man's least painful. We also learn things in our other classes. (Who says a college educa- tion doesn't pay?) In Transporta- tion class, we discovered that excur- sion fares affect the berth — or is it birth — rates! (What a whale of a difference an "I" and "E" make!) And in still another class, we were taught that although the birth rates decrease remarkably during a War, there is a still more remarkable in- crease right after the Call to Arms. You figure it out. Henry the Eighth can be darn grateful to the Fraternity system that it hadn't founded itself in his day. because with the niix-up con- cer.'iing his numerous wives, what liould have happened to his frater- nity pin? And. my wee little ones, draw your chairs up closer to the fire while I tell you a true Depression story. Jerry and Jimmy, a well-known pair about campus, having no turkey and cranberry sauce with which to whet and abate their enormous appetities, captured, strangled, beplucked, cooked, and ate (with unseemly relish) a poor defenseless pigeon which they found wandering aimless- ly down Green street. (Hospital Note : — They are expected to recover within a month or so). Psych Morons And that otherwise dear Mr. Sears does tell his abnomials in Psych. 23 such perfectly dreadful things that I bet they all lie awake at nite — at least I do, and it's not the result of my after-dinner coffee! Why, just the other day he told the class of a certain farmer and his wife who had no children — and the wife brooded and brooded over it, because all the neighbors were talking about it. And, by cracky, by n' bye the farmer himself began to get annoyed at their gossip because after all, it was as much a reflection on him as on her. Too, Mr. Sears spent one entire class period telling his erstwhile stu- dents as how they should marry only a certain type of person — a direct op- posite to themselves. For instance, a dominant male should marry a sub- missive woman, and vice versa. He then went on to point out the awful, awful consequences of failure to ob- serve this rule. "WTiy," he said. "I once knew a submissive man who married a submissive \voman — and they just never got an^-here!" Speaking of Dad's Day. a young fellow walked into the L nion on November 12th. and asked, "Is this where Dads register?" "Yes," re- sponded the girl at the desk, eyeing his youth with a skeptical grin — "but you have to be a father — you have to have children — to be able to reg- ister! " The lad drew himself up to his full height and proudly an- nounced, "I have a son!" "In .school?" shrieked the girl. "Oh no," he apologized, "He's only two months old." It must be a great feeling to have that thar first-born. What, Again? Hack to Professor Paul again! He really has some very unique ideas about Grammar which are worthy of being passed on. For instance, li? states that a dash is much like a (Continued on Page 16) ) L.P 10 The SIREN LETTERS to SANTA FROM CAMPUS Returned by the Post Office for Postage dear Santy, this is your little friend Reulah what you treated so nice last chrismas. I am writeing in hopes you will repeat. Do you remember that cute blue formal you gave me last year. (The one cut on the bias). Well it is full of cigarette wholes, and i wonder if you wud send me another one. (Also cut on the bias). Only please Dear santa make this one red, as i have died my hair that color since. Anything else you have around the shop wich wud im- prove my looks wul also be appreciated. I have been a good-girl all yeer. I have swore off of all intoxicating drinks. i'll be waiting for you christmas. In case you forget — the dorm is the second door to your left on the third floor. Love, beulah Dalbey. Santa deer: I am the Thata Fi Alfa whose hair you sed looked like a snow-storm last year. I want to apologise Santy for not being dressed when you came. This yeer I will be all set for you. Hear is a list of things you could bring me if you wanted too. UNMENTIONABLES brassier — size 42. teddy — with zipper, orchid nightgown. The rest I'll write in shorthand in case your wife should get ahold of this. MENTIONABLES compact — I am using cherry rooge now. 20 cartons of luckies. a hip flask. So long, Marcie Pucketts. My Santa: In this letter of appeal, dear Santa, I throw away all earthly claims for finery or any other temporal desire. I concentrate my wishes in one mighty plea. Santa, I implore you — bring me a boy-friend. By all that is holy to you promise that you'll not fail. Oh, if you only knew how for years I have yearned for caresses; yearned for the thrill of a kiss from one I could call my own ; the tender warmth of his embrace ; the sweet- ness of his smile; the content of being his — alone. All my life I have prayed for a man. Each year I have asked you, patiently — devotedly, to bring him to me. And each year you have answered, "wait, the time has not come." I can no longer stand it. I ask you for the final time. My ulti- matum. Bring to me a boy-friend, or I shall destroy this body of mine, and so consecrate it to that Goddess who cares for the hearts of all girls like me. You have to bring me a man ! Make him fat or make him thin. Make him bald or give him hair. Make him short or make him tall ; Just make him mine and I won't care. Make him strong or make him weak, Make him well or make him sick, Make him sad or make him gay ; Any waj' — I won't kick. Make him poor or make him rich. Make him mean or make him fine. Give him to me just as he is. Only dear Santa, please make him mine — all mine. i Yours, Dorsey Connors. My dear Santy: Hi-ho Santy 'ol boy, how are you and the little Clauses? This is Janie. You know — Janie Fauntz. The girl you caught swimming in the Theta bath-tub last Christmas. Oh yes, I've improved quite a bit. I can put my head in the water now. You know that one piece bathing suit you gave me? Well it's way — way too small. I wish you'd trade it for a can of grease. Here is what I'd like this year. See what you can do about it. a pair of water wings. an inflated inner tube. 2 ear plugs. a clothes pin. (one that will fit my nose). A course of correspondent swimming lessons. a backless, frontless, flesh-colored swimming suit. And by the way, you might bring a few of your helpers with you Christmas. Some of the girls around here need dates. Don't be too fussy. Just anyone. Toolooloo, Janie. i i Holidays Number 11 -Voo Doo "Sure he's a trustworthy guy; hasn't he got a pohce record as long as jour arm?" The Ideal Woman Say, Hank, have I ever met the keen woman ! She's just about so big, but plenty capable — let me tell you. She's not so much on the wise-cracks, but she has her own version of humor that really is a knockout. Her clothes are the latest, and can she wear them ! Mebbe I shouldn't have mentioned it. Her eyes are blue, of course, and are as absolutely capable as the rest of her. I ought to know. Think she really likes me a little bit, but I'm afraid that it's in rather a maternal fashion. I've never had a date with her, myself, but I see her about every night. Yes, she is quite intellectual — I suppose you were afraid of that — but she's not too much so. She is human — in fact she's always the last one to stick around when it's time for the dates to go home every night. I rather imagine she'd be hard to kiss, but after all, that is something to be com- mended in this day and age. Sure — of course she's in a sorority house. None but the best. She hardly ever dates — quite an exclusive creature — and when she does go out, it's usually to a Bridge Party, or some such highbrow affair. You'd like her, though. Get you a date with her sometime? Well, gee, Hank, I'm afraid it can't be arranged. No, she isn't wearing a pin — but after all. it isn't customary for Housemothers to date students. Professor of Theology: "What did Eve say to Adam after Cain killed Abel, and was driven from the Garden of Eden?" Student of the Ministry: "We've no more babies left to spank; let's turn out the lights and go to sleep." The SIREN CAMPUS CI M. T. McCLURE— who, although head of our Philosophy department and a Phi Beta Kappa, is also a mountain climber of "strordinary" ability. A raconteur and a gentle- man of the old school of grand men. dr JIM BARBARA HARRIS— who, as an Alpha Chi Omega, is also president of Torch, junior manager of the Star Course, on the Y. W. cabinet, Shi-Ai, and, lest we forget, she's also an Alpha Lambda Delta, but that was in her freshman year. MORT WILBER— who is tall, dark and good-looking; he's also presi- dent of the Independent council, vice-president of the Illinois Union, member of the Glee club board of directors, and was also co-chairman of last year's Homecoming commit- tee. He also sits in on the Student council. Holidays Number 13 RACATURES >y SEE JACK SAWTELL~who is the cur- rent basketball manager and also Sachem, Ma-Wan-Da, and general all 'round good sort. May he see a successful season is our wish. JEAN JOHNSTON who admits being many things, among which are Delta Gamma, Alpha Lambda Delta. Phi Beta Kappa. Mortar Board, Torch, Shi-Ai, Dance Super- vision committee. Chairman of Gold Feathers of last year — ah weel, we dinna has na maur space. DICK ADER — who. at present, as captain of the perennial champion soccer team, has the distinction of being one of the best athletes and good sportsmen ever turned out at Illinois — a man whose praises have been seldom sung and so we rise and sing. He's also president of Delta Theta Epsilon. 14 The SIREN SIREN'S • December • Almanac POEM TO DECEMBER Month of ijently falling snoiv IVhal a fine tiling, mistletoe Montli of ivondrring iv/iat to gi'vc And still Iiave left enough to live Holly ivreaths in all the doors Muddy tracks upon the floors Month of rosy cheeks and noses irinter ivind bloivs right through clothe: Month when campus elite prances To the ultra formal dances: Junior Prom, Senior Informal People acting most abnormal Skull '« Crescent, Scabbard '« Blade Theirs a glory n'ecr ran fade. Then to sort of top it all One must rate Axe-Grinder's llraivl Turquoise or the lapis lazula Are the birthstones (just to dazzle yaj Month tliat ends vsith New Year's Eve (Funny it should rhyme icith heave.) Holidays Number 15 And Many More of Them Th. 1— ST. BARBARA. Fri. 2 — Junior Prom. Sa. 3 — Senior Informal, Skunk & Pheasant. Su. 4 — Decide not to send Christmas cards. Mo. 5 — Mrs. Neanderthal requests new fur coat, 2200 B. C. Tu. 6— ST. NICHOLAS, Santa Claus to you. We. 7— Ovid published "Art of Love" 88 A. D. Divorce rate rises in Rome. Th. 8— Mince pie. Fri. 9 — Albert Spaulding, Violinist, Star Course. Sa. 10— Doll Show. Su. 11 — Send letter hinting for roadster for Christmas gift. Mo. 12— Full moon 9:21 P. M. Tu. 13 — Scouts awards passes to writer of Love lyric. We. 14 — Amundsen discovers South Pole 1911. Th. 15 — Use for mistletoe discovered 800 A. D. trench mouth statistics rise. Fri. 16— Boston Tea Party 1773— Axe-Grinder's Brawl 1932. Sa. 17 — Scabbard and Blade. Su. 18 — Mend lace formal torn by spurs. Mo. 19 — Last house meeting before Christmas. Tu. 20 — Your term paper will be due January 2, 1933. We. 21— Winter begins 8:15 P. M. E. S. T. Th. 22 — Vacation — back to civilization. Fri. 23 — Wash stocking to hang up for Santa. Sa. 24 — Christmas Eve, receive 46 Christmas cards, send 46 New Year's cards. Su. 25— CHRISTMAS DAY— Play with little Willie's toys. Mo. 26 — Exchange Christmas ties for something useful. Tu. 27— ST. JOHN. We. 28— Chuck Wilson's Dill Pickle Dance in Chicago. Th. 29 — Take down Christmas tree. Fri. 30 — Make list of good resolutions. Sa. 31— NEW YEAR'S EVE. The night before the morning after. 16 The SIREN (Continued from Page 9) It pays to be a pledge at the Delta Theta Phi House this year! There is one Bill in the House, who has a little money and a little looks — whereupon the Brethren, to a man, worship at his shrine, tho' he is but a pledge. They give him the best seat at the table, so the story goes, and even rise when he enters the room ! This may seem strange at the first reading, but after recalling their record of having twelve pledges break their pledge last year, we can understand what Bill must mean to them. There are some bright people in this here now University's English 41 class. The other day they had to read a story concerning two drunken men who were amusing themselves by shooting at a target on their wall, the bullets going through to the next house, causing the neighbor woineii to scream. After the story had been reviewed to everyone's satisfaction, the Professor asked for emphasis, "And why were the women scream- ing." One sweet young thing raised her hand — "They must have been drunk, too," she ventured. Hal Dawson reports that the Dean's office is overflowing with Christmas cheer, in bottles, and from admirers — from all parts of the world — (oh yeah?) Our idea of a perfect business sit- uation is to be snowed in for days and days, with a lotta others, in some coke'n smoke — and to have us posse.ss all the cokes and smokes. Yes, Wouldn't It! Wouldn't it be wonderful if Thanksgiving vacation had worked some miracle and things were all changed? \i for instance the Kappjis all came back from home with horn-rimmed glasses. . . If Billy Arnold lost his "bloom off the peach" complexion. ... If the Thetas noses suddenly all turned down in campus cartoons. ... If the Scout stopped printing what kinds, liow many, and future hopes for cigarettes in the box. ... If people stopped raving about the "gorgeous" Dorsey Connors. . . . If the whole Chio house made four- points and took away the cup from the ver-scholastically minded Thetas. ... If Bob Little and Sammy Keys forgot to plot for next semester's election and by some miracle all came out fair and with both parties rep- resented. ... If eight-weeks grades hadn't been turned in. ... If pro- fessors for once forgot to request some damn piece of work on the "first meeting of class after vaca- tion" If the campus could be ever-beautiful as it was during the first snow-fall. ... If people would (Continued on Page 24) Q._W'hat's wrong witli the picture? A. — There are only three legs on the davenport. Holidays S timber 17 44 /^ > FORGOT my galoshes, but Tm going along in the rain . . . having a good time . . . smoking mv Chesterfields. Just downright good cigarettes. They're mihler and they taste better. Just having a good time. They Satisfy. e 1952, liGtsTT a Mtebs Tobacco Co. 18 The SIREN Mc Cormick Transfer Company TRUCKING — DELIVERY SERVICE MOVING — DEPRESSION RATES Phone 5304 Mc KIBBEN GARAGE PHONE 6-1100 Day and Night Auto Service — Repair Work Greasing and Washing — Storage $5 a Month 116 South Walnut CHAMPAIGN "Next to Inniaii Hotel" Passing the Buck THE Rustic Inn Meet your friends there after the shows or dances We Will See You "MEL" "MARX" "FRITZ" Holidays Number 19 New Anatomy "Policeman Leo Grant was shot through the stomach and John Marcinoak, Indiana Harbor taxi- cab driver, through the hip. while a trusty at the jail was shot in the ex- citement." — San Francisco Call-Bull. S Young wife: "It says 'beat the whites of the eggs till stifif' so they must be done." Gil Berry: "Why. are they stiff?" W. F. B.: "No. but I am." S The Co-ed's Creed To do others as haven't sense enough to do me. S Jack and Jill went in a speak. To work up a lovely toot ; \Vhen Jack was tight and got the boot. Jill went oft" with a DEKE. S Little Miss Co-ed Sat in Hanley's Enjoying her coke and smoke. Along came a bounder And lingered arounder The lousy Fidelt was broke! S There was a little gurl And she had a lot of curl. Right on the top of her pate ; And when she was good She was left at home to brood. But when she was bad She had a date. S Four and tvventy Pifys, Undressing in the dorm, To show the boys of Jewman Hall An example of good form. S First Gamma Phi Beta: Who was your date last night? Second Gamma Phi Beta: A Delta Upsilon. Hugh Ray. First Gamma Phi Beta: Well I don't think that's anything to shout about. S Sigma Kappa: I hab a code in by node. Phil Watson: Come on up and I'll Vicks it. — Unpaid Adv. For Christmas Gifts of Joy Give a real French perfume — maybe — Chanel — Guerlaiii — Worth or Lticien Delong. Give a beaut>' kit by a known Beauty- Specialist — Possibly. Elizabeth Arden — Dorothy Gray — L)u Barrv or Charles of the Rits. Give a De \'ilbis Atomizer with mirror and powder box to match. Come in and our sales persons will he liapp.v to advise you in the proper perfume or whatever .vou liave in mind. AI.I. GIFTS WKAPPKD FOR PRFSFNTATION Remember k'amerer's for Smart Gifts KAMERER BROS. I^incoln and Nevada Irbana Sixth and Daniel Champaign Speedometers Generator and Starter Repairing BATTERY Delco Batteries, United Motor and Trico W indshield Wiper Service Clements Battery and Electric Ser\ ice 307 South Neil Street Champaign Phone 3883 20 The SIREN — Conwtl Widozv "Darling, who was that woman that just went by? "Oh, that's only the Captain's mess." Holidays Numb I'f 21 To My Accuser Weep not, my dear one, If I seem untrue — The more I see of others, The more I fall for you! Weep not! I place you firstly among my motley host. I've always loved )ou best — at least almost. Weep not, my sweet one. If I seem to flirt — Those are false impressions! Please do not feel hurt. Weep not! I promise that I will love just you. I'll be true forever — or almost true. Weep not, my dearest, If I seem to lie. You can read ni\' true soul By the love-light in my eye. Weep not! My love for you has been put to the test — And still I love you best of all — or nearly best. Weep not, my darling ; My lips are yours to kiss. And no other mortal Ever knew that bliss, W^eep not I To love you is my only one endeavor. Mv soul is vours for alwavs — but not forever. Love, You Funny Thing Isabel, alas and alack, was an old maid. She was also near-sighted, and she blamed her spinsterhood on that un- fortunate afflicition. By ingenious maneuvers she finally found a beau who was quite regular in his visits. Isabel resolved to dispel any doubts that he might have about her eyesight. She took a pin — a common straight pin — and with painstaking care, stuck it into a tree in the orchard. The remainder of the day she spent memorizing the route from the orchard path to the tree and back again. That evening John called. When it was sufficiently dark, a stroll through the orchard was in order. At the memorized place in the path, Isabel called John's attention to a pin in a tree about thirty feet from the path. Poor John was dumbfounded, for he could hardly even see the tree in the darkness. Isabel's big moment had arrived. Th'e villainess thought she had the be\\-ildered John in her clutches. She insisted upon proving her exceptional eye- sight. Once more she began to strut over that well-learned route, and she would certainly have retrieved the pin — which was there, sure enough — if she had not stumbled over a cow. — The Siwasher. STRAUCH'S Attractive Gifts and Greetings at LOW PRICES To Fit Your Purse for Her for Him for the Family STRAUCH'S At Campus 709 South Wright Street %zzr. arme. aruLiiEB it! SMITH-CORONA Here is on entirely NEW KIND of o typewriter — a portable in size and weight — a standord in action ond eose of operation. Noiseless segment shift — new "piano-key" action. *65— payments if desired— your old machme token in trade- R. D. Castle Typewriter Company .M Main Street Chanipaiiin. III. Phone .")89;i 22 The SIREN SIREN'S CINEMACRAPH R I ALTO "1 Am a Fugitive From a Chain Gang" isn't a pretty picture, but for raw, relenting drama, it has a grip- ping appeal. Throughout the en- tire film there are echoes of the re- cent Burn's case which gained much Janet CJajnor notoriety in Chicago not so long ago, and of the recent exposures of southern prison camps. There is an unrelenting undercur- rent in this film, and those that like their endings with a dash of sugar won't like it, but for those that wish a little true reality on the screen this will be a boon. Paul Muni, recent- ly of the New York stage, plays the lead, and is supported by Glenda Farrell and Helen Vinson. Plays at the Rialto for a four-day run, be- ginning Sunday, December 11. Beginning Thursday, December 15, "3 On a Match," a four-star hit comes for a three-day run. Warren William, Ann Dvorak, Joan Blon- dell and Bette Davis combine to present the gripping tangled story of the lives of three schoolmates who separated only to meet again in later life. One the wife of a successful lawyer, another a stenographer, and the third the graduate of a reforma- tory, the ensuing meeting and its re- sults are bound to be tense. VIRGINIA "Rock-A-Bye," the story of an actress's mother-love, which was de- nied her, opens on Sunday, December 1 1 for four days. Constance Bennett stars as the actress, while Paul Lukas plays the part of her adoring man- ager, and Joel McCrea the role of the young playwright, in whose play she stars, but only after her manager objects strenuously, because of its great similarity to her tragic life. Will Rogers comes back again in his new play, "Too Busy to Work," on the 15- If)- 17th, playing one of his Will Rogers characteristic parts, this time as a tramp searching for his mife and daughter, stolen from him by another man while he was in the trenches. The way in which he accomplishes his mission is a typical Will Rogers story. "Tess of the Storm Country" opens a four-day run on the 18th, with a cast including Janet Gaynor and Charles Farrell — the old team — and a fine supporting cast. This well- known old New England story has been admirably filmed, and makes first-rate entertainment. PARK December 11, Phillips Holmes and Dorothy Jordan in "70,000 Witnesses"; 12-13, "Hollywood Speaks," with Genevieve Tobin and Pat O'Brien; 14, H. Warner and Bette Davis in "The Menace"; 15- 16, Maurice Chevalier and Jeanette MacDonald in "Love Me Tonight" ; 17, Tom Keene in "Beyond the Rockies"; 18, "Big City Blues," with Joan Blondell; 19-20, Richard Dix in "Roar of the Dragon"; 21, "The Guilty Generation," with Leo Car- rillo; 22-23, Lew Ayres in "O K America" ; 24, Ken Maynard in "Whistling Dan"; 25, David Manners in "The Crooner" ; 26-27, Warner Baxter in "Sin'render" ; 29- 30, Frank Buck's "Bring 'Em Back Alive"; 31, Tim McCoy in "Two Fisted Law." January 1, Lee Tracy in "Dr. X"; 2-3, Adolph Menjou in "Bachelor Affairs"; 4, Kay Francis in "Street of Women"; 5-6, "Re- becca of Sunnybrook Farm," with Marion Nixon and Ralph Bellamy; 7, Bob Steeel in "Son of Oklahoma." The donkey is a Democrat He really can't be blamed for that But we're always right suspicious Of anything that's politicious. Holidays Number 23 SPEAKING OF BOOKS Including as it does, the poems of 107 students from 72 universities and colleges, "American College Verse" is as authentic an antholog>" of new voices lifted toward the dreams and reveries of youth as it is possible to obtain. Stippled and splotched with such a varied gamut of youthful emotion, it would be hard to adequately describe the range and surprising depth of sincerity that these poems possess. With a quick facility to utilize the common-place, these coming poets so glorify and paint with pencils of lightsome mood, interspersed with darker tones, that one is lost in the picture presented, which is, perhaps, the most sincere compliment that any critic can pay. The treatment accorded these poems and the delicate finesse exhibited in the treatment thereof, afford the student of the subjective and the objective much food for thought were he to emulate their sheer delicacy. There is something for everyone in these poems of the coming generation of belles-lettres that they can hardly afford to do without. A book to be kept and read, and read, and then, in after years, to be re-read and still enjoyed. -S- f Continued from Page 6) A loud knock on the front door. Capone: (standing up and in a challenging tone). I was fifty miles away when it happened and I got witnesses. The pledge class opens the door. Enter Papa and Mom- mer Cantor. Mommer Cantor: Geeve it here ah look Eddie! Chizzle cake from home. Hitler: (calling Eddie aside). What are they doing here? Cantor: They came in for the dance we're going to have. A long silence followed by knowing looks exchanged by the brothers. Capone: Hitler, break the ice in the water trough. Cantor is carried out gently but firmly and deposited in same. PROFESSORS AT PLAY Dr. Samuel Johnson didn't like Burny's book, which had been very popular, so he took her in hand, but he just ruined her — I mean ruined her writing. — Prof. Chauncey Baldiiin. When you get used to my curve you will be able to ge.t a better luiderstanding of yourself. —Prof. T. If. Baldiiin. What stay had I but they? and they are gone. Don't mistake the word stays. —Prof. T. jr. Balduin. THE HOUSE OF HITS R lALTO A^ THEATRE V^ Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday December 11. 12, 13. 14 The 4-Star Hit "I AM A FUGITI\ E FROM A CHAIN GANG" WITH PAUL MUNI Thursday, Friday. Saturday December 15. 16. 17 "3 ON A MATCH" JOAN BLONDELL W.ARREN WILLIAM ANN DVORAK— BETTE DAVIS ''The Cinema jority Go to the Rialto' \ PICTURES ARE IM)ISPENSIBLE SUCCESSFUL PUBLICATION Etchittpc^ Ph ot'O'^En oT-ev-V in OS Colo opMtT? S^ Idc^oi^ liittd G.R.GRUBB & CO. ENGRAVERS ^ . CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS - / 24 The SIREN 20% Discount Cash and Carry From Our University Office Lobby— Post Office 704 South Sixth Street LAWJISIDRY CO. PREHN'S Confectioneries On Green On Oregon On Daniel 'Meet the Gang at' PREHN'S (Co7ilinued from Page 16) stop drinking spliced beer and grow up. ... If the prom queen really got all her votes because people voted for her. ... If the Chi Psi's forgot they were gentlemen and found a new theme song other than the famous old hymn, "Jesus wants me," etc. . . . If people stopped calling the Phi Delt house the "sweat shop" and stopped accusing the Betas of wear- ing lace pants. ... If Ott Willett reduced around the hips. ... If Fred Siebert finally gave his Contemporary Thought course some reading they could enjoy. ... If people forgot all about who was elected and went to work. ... If the basketball team all of a sudden found that they were positively the best in the conference. ... If Blanche Waddell forgot all her baby talk. ... If men stopped thinking that blondes were all gold- diggers and brunettes the kind you are swell pals with. ... If the carica- turist for the Siren stopped giving everybody double chins. . .. If Axe- Grinders for once wasn't something that you took your life in your hands when YOU attended. . . . Darn that shadow! I'm well fed! — Kitty-Kat Makes ine think When I see a tall giraffe I have to laugh and laugh and laugh What a knecker he must rate With a lady giraffe date. \bu dont Need to Paq fancq Prices '/(^^ (hiiejct cStntLoiwm THE NEW 450 PACKAGE You can't buy any stationery at any price better suited to your informal correspondence than the new "450 Package." It is correct note sheet size, 6"x 7 ".The quality is actually better than found in many boxes of high- priced stationery. Give American Stationery for Christmas. It's a better gift than ever this year. Make up your list now and have your Christmas shopping done — early, economically and thoughtfully. THE AMERICAN STATIONERY CO. Originator & Vl'orld'i Largcit Maiiufaclurir of Prinltd Note Paper 700 PARK AVENUE IS correct HIS note paper for informal correspondence. We have supplied it for 18 years to many of America's most prominent families. It has been a favorite also among college men and women. With the introduction of the ne-w "450 Package" the cost of this fine note paper is made lo'wer than ever. It actually costs less than cheap stationery. It's the same style note paper -we have sold for 18 years — same printed name and address — same prompt delivery — same price. But the quantity is now 50% greater! Send one dollar ($1.10 ■west of Denver and out- side of U. S.) and get one of the biggest bargains in fine merchandise offered in America. Your package printed and on its ■way to you within 3 days of re- ceipt of your order. No agents or dealers. Sold by mail only. Absolute satisfaction guaranteed. 300 Note Sheets . Formerly 200 ISO Envelopes . . Formerly \00 45 O Pieces . . . Formerly 300 lAU Printed with your Name and Address PERU, IND. The American Stationery Co., 700 Park Avenue, Peru, Ind. Here is $1 for a box of "450 Stationer)'," to he printed and mailed as shown below. (§1.10 west of Denver and outside of U. S.) N^ime- AJdress- No raw tobaccos in Luckies —that's why they're so mild &t^ 'ns OCARi Copr., 1932, ' The American \ Tobacco Co, WE buy the finest, the very finest tobaccos in all the world — but that does not explain why folks every- where regard Lucky Strike as the mildest cigarette. The fact is, we never overlook the truth that "Nature in the Raw is Seldom Mild" — so these fine tobaccos, after proper aging and mellowing, are then given the benefit of that Lucky Strike purifying process, described by the words — "It's toasted". That's why folks in every city, town and hamlet say that Luckies are such mild cigarettes. It's toasted That package of mild Luckies «« ' 1/ fHE DILLY ILLUSION )LUME 1 ■. PINT CHAMBAXA. MARCH, 1933 NUMBEIkPLEASE m\ EDITOR .OSES LIBEL SUIT TO MGR. Chipmunk Party Defeats Blahoo In Clean Election: QlmtH^^ll Presiden^^f^taauaiing Cla^ E^PL LtGAN'SW^RK ,BY dge Holds lew U^^ds Ce Of "-^ Fool" Edito -gfUT'S PRANK STILL MYSTERY TO_CAMPl sure lie libel suit in w editor of th^Daily ;)Iaintiff. came' judge sivinsr^BHBBB^^Sion in »r of the mini Publishing com- y, defendant. le plaintiff contended that or Krannert, manager of said pany. publicly asserted that the itiff was a lazy fooi. nnert did not deny the charge. ;ending that it did not constitute inds for action. giving his decision, the judge lented the doctrine of stare de- He pointed out that precedent the common opinion of the lie was undeniably the same as defendant's, dismissing the case favor of Mr. Krannert and ring Willett to pay court costs. le DII^B TI.I.V^ION 4:i%!i Kinrprety Til It it is unaM< tii^resent the rojiuili ^tlii ■ rri^nt expliB glcal activities to Armory lue, for Karnes reports bagging most recent specimens in out- cities. At the regular meeting of the I'niversity of Illinois Appropriation committee, it was decided that the $100,000 left to the University by the late John D. Rockstoop would be used for various very necessary and long hoped for improvements about the school. Among those listed were : A bar in the Sig Chi house for the Tri-Delts. to eliminate the incon- venience heretofore experienced — do i you know what I mean? More comfortable sleeping facili- ties for that certain history profs lecture room and softer floors for the Dekes to fall on when they slop out of their chairs. Maxim silencers for the Rustic Inn whiskey tenors. »Elevato«e ffofl^ Af^ floor Vni to] for /t hearsals. An extension on the Chi O. fire escape — so inconvenient, this jump- ing six feet business. Part ownership in The Inn (nee Mel Root's) for the Kappas — those gay bounders! A face-lift for Phi Delt Pat — we'll all stand pat on that subject and those who can't stand Pat can dam well shut up about. Fire extinguishers for the Delta Zeta house since for the past few years it has frequently very nearly I^^Bie r^^Bt electioi Offices in^^^Bclean ^^^^Vi^TTng the fol owing^^Bicers: Gilmort Willy ►•nior president ; Bot L. N. Bonde, unior: Jeremiah Beyheft. sopho- more: and Joe Hayman. freshman. Mr. Willy, who besides holding the editorships of the Illini, .Agricul- turist, Illio. and Technograph, was captain of the varsity miniature golf team and marble team, won by the slight margin of 426 to H- The ^> vote given the Blahoo candidate was accounted for by Ot Willett and Clem Svilow, each of whom was allowed >i of a vote. In the other contests the scoring was as follows: Bonde. 41S to 417.9: Beyheft $1.50 to $2.00 : Hayman, time advantage. The statements of the winning candidates were enthusiastic, though modest. Said Willy in his best Scotch. "I would nae hae tooken the job ha' they nae pressed it on me." Bonde: "HicT" Beyheft: "Signals — 14—12—56% — 57— Who'll bid a dollarr' Hayman: "No spika da Ingheesh." CHEST WEEPS ON LOSING COTTAGE "If there is one thin;; that 1 .shall miss when I leave for the big city it will be my little cottage on the edge of town, among the pigs and cauliflowers." announced Harry Sideburn Chest, head janitor of the Iniversity, in a final tearful state- ment to the press. "No matter where I roam." he added, "the memories of pleasant evenings of pinochle in my little cabin will never le.'ive me." gone up on flames (if it ain't, it oughta). Stalls in Hanley's for the Mule Pollutiticians who get so tired of living on hot air and no hay-hay. lass case foi^the Univer- I#rty's solid sil\^r, hand-em- brmdered, furlined IDE.\LS. Field glasses for all students taking final exams — or any old kind of exams — . Eye strain is too seri- ous a matter to tamper with. The surplus of this fund will be donated to the farthingless femmes at the Chi Omega Coop to help them pay the $10 fine imposed for having that old alky breath. We feel that Mr. Rockstoop has accomplished a worthy purpose in making this our noble institution into a bigger and better place for — almost anything. Alleged Editorial Writer Corrupts Paper With Loving Degeneracy The Illini Board of Control yester- day ordered Charles E. Logan, al- leged editorial writer of the Daily Illini, to appear before it to answer certain charges other than taking little girls behind billboards. The charges were presented as fol- lows: 1. In his professional work he was accused of too much flippancy and not enough intelligence. 2. Evidence was presented that he had other persons write supposed opinions of the editor. 3. That he demoralized the paper with distorted and decadent wit- ticisms. 4. That his amorous degeneracy to bovine-like proportions was work- ing to the detriment of the "power of the press." 5. That he was a stranger in the offices of the Dail.v Illini. 6. That he was not as clever as first opinions threatened. 7. That he used too many opinions of other papers and not enough of his own. WOODROW TELLS ALL ON HOOVER-S CAREER Studies now being carried on by the Psychology department are bringing definitely to light the oft- suspected fact that there is a pre- cise correlation between athletic prowess and political success, ac- cording to Professor Woodrow, head of the department. The psychologists were impelled to begin their investi- ga^nsHIH.ev the ascendency of Mr. Hmvei^^kit^^rack treasurer ot the .SjBnf^df w^ity footbalF team, to the presidency of the I'nited States. The findings of Professor Wood- row and his associates show that the number of times a basketball player gets called for personal fouls per five minutes in an average game varies directly as the number of phony statements he makes in a campus political campaign. Also it was found that the average yardage gained by a half-back in any given season was proportional to the num- ber of votes he would get in the campaign following that season. The SIREN THE DAILY ILLUSION Others' Opinions One year (by (los sled) $ .-"> One iiuinth l.OO One \\ek-\i ".M\ Why not sen what we want in then. KM(;HT EDITORS Sir Oscar Zikh Forestry Sir Mortimer Zilch Champaign Sir Henry Zilch Ping Pong KNKiHT ASSISTANTS The Zili-has, Inc. Attention, University Senate! End the Depression! Much has been done in tlie way of regulation.s toward restricting the student use of horses or horse-drawn vehicles and sleighs within the Twin Cities. Unless a student lives out of town, operates a truck garden, or has a drag like a freight locomotive, he is not allowed to operate a horse in these hyar parts. All well and good. Rut we feel that the no-liorse rule docs not go far enough. No provision is made in the grant- ing of permits that horses to be driven be suitable and con- forming with the University ideals as the color, height, wheel-base, and model of the animal are required, but such matters as his (or her) intelligence or character are totally ignored! For all the University authorities may know, many of the horses our students are dri\ing may be feeble- minded or immoral. We urge that the powers that be give this matter their imdivided attention as soon as possible. .At all costs the en- vironment and associates of the Illini must be kept pure and our collegiate reputation sustained. "Hew to the Line and Let the Chips Eall Where They May" Fraternities must realize that circumstances are different with the average student this year than they were last year, or in the years in the past. Despite the fact that the aver- age fraternit\' will not admit they pledge average students or average men, the fact remains that what they want now is a house bill and to hell with the personal side of the thing. It is this facet, they have facets, that should interest the alums of the average fraternity. I'"acets are sides or planes of presentment of a surface and it is in fraternties that people present sides, right and left. If they are with you, it's due to the fact that the\ are on the wrong side. If they are with you and if they'll carry you along or get you a job, they are on the right side ; otherwise, we'd sug- gest you move out of the damn house on account of the\ are making money on you. Fraternities are all right if you can get by in tlie house and make money. They are bondfloating ventures with little or no conscience and unless you are hosing manager you can't imagine the hosing that you are going to get. Editor the Daily Illini : Although the I nuersity towns ha\e not been as hard hit by the depression as ha\e other localities in the state, day by day both student bod>' and townspeople are being im- pressed by the urgent necessity for unemployment and other relief here. We are realizing that it is now or never, and that we must put our wheels to the shoulder — iih — that is, our sheels to the shoidder — our weeds to the soldier — oh, hell, let it go! An\'way, my idea is to send a delegation selected from the Tribe of Illini around to the doors of the University buildings with the purpose of collecting all the discarded cigarette butts. These could be neatly packaged by the Women's League and sold to engineers and near-sighted students. The proceeds from these sales would, of course, be turned over to the Community Chest. As I have said before, it is now or never, etc., etc., etc. —HIRAM K. SQUILLIK '48. S L. A. and S. Again Dear Editor: It seems to me that something should be done about tlie Liberal Arts and Sciences oflice force. The three women that they have in there are lousy, to say the least, as concerns the grade of work they put out. They are about as discreet as a group of cats sitting on a back alley fence on a Saturday night. When one has to see one of the assistant deans, their usual method of haiiil- ling inquiries is to ask what our parents died from and further if there is anything that we would like to know since they are equal to either one of the assistant deans at hand- ling affairs in general. (jranted that we pay a nominal tuition fee and that we get a great deal for the aforementioned money, it still seems rational that we could expect some sort, even of the most primitive, courtesy from these girls (?) that are drawing salaries the money for which is supplied by the people of the state of Illinois. Co-operation is a great thing and we seem to need it a great deal in this matter of the L. A. and S. ofHce. Sincerely, ILLINI STUDENT, (in good standing, so far! ) llliui Number THE CAMPUS SCUT \\ ritten to Fill the Top of the Column /'I'c tried to reach you By word, deed, or ou. Wouldn't that be swell? After that we'll start intra- mural drop - the - handker- chief, with all the boys meet- ing at 5 o'clock in the woman's g>'m for pre-game practice. Have just heard that Joe Ramona ex 29x- who got kicked out of here back in the good ole days because he came to P. E. Juggling one day with .something stronger than alcohol on his breath got signed up to coach the Mexican Institute for the Deaf, Dumb, and Motheaten I?atbo\s. Some job, isn't it, in these days of prosperit\-. Before going, there, Joe coached seventeen peanut winning teams at the old ladies' school in Walla Walla (1 heard you the lirsr time. ) mini liariiwdoii lasli cau^lit in a neutral rorner witli liis pants down, just after drilil>lini: Here's a record hard to beat. Little .Ambrose (Gali- me-Darling) Whatnext pla>- ing for the Wild Irish Rosers from East St. Gra- hamcracker swiped the ref- eree's whistle si.xteen times in succession in a hotly con- tested game of basketball. With the score tied and one hour and a half to play, he sneaked up and bit the scorer in the ankle, winning the game and getting himself kicked out of the Kankakee hospital. SHAVERS— Marmaduke :\Iud- face went through three mules and a dromedary the other day in a polo game to establish some sort of record that nobod)' wants to break. 'Tis rumored that the Craig Emerald is attempting to sign him up to replace Essex Hadesirish on the backgam- mon team next season . . . And Pansy Shorthose gained a timely ad- vantage over Jose Xoitsurturn in a fiercely contested battle at quoits the other evening. Pansy was two and dinner to go, when Jose swallowed one of the horse shoes. But Pansy met the situation with a jiackage of Ex-Lax. (Adv.) -S- Red Owen Runs Dance Palace The w. k. red-headed basketball captain. Red Owen, is wow the man- ager of the equ.illy w. k. Park. It is rumored among those who know that dear Red has been handed pretty much of a song and dance ;uid that must be where he got the ex- perience. Anyway, we wish him luck, on both dances! — S— Frosh : "How about a date?" Senior Co-ed : "Sorry, but I ne\ er go out with a baby." Frosh: "Oh, pardon me, I didn't know you had one." — // ashinytoii (Autumns. llinii \ limber WOMAN'S STAFF POSES OVSTKK OIL ESTIIKK UriN 1 K.V.NC KS I1I:MJ\ IKtHNKK (Al. AMITY .IAM; MlIK \\ (iiiian's sl:in i'aii:;lit ill intiiniial |i(ises Questions and Answers Dear Siren : Is it all ri^lu for me to wear a Heir pin and •-rill sit in the Prexy's box tor basketball games/ — Pi Phi Transfer. Answer — ^ es. but tr\ ami work a seat for the owner of the pin too. (We're all for young love every time ). Dear Siren: 1 want to be one of the pin girls ami am not having so much luck. I am wearing m\' father's Phi Gam pin now. Is that all right? — Jean Morris. .Answer — It was before the war. So anil So: M\ bed was stolen last night ! Such and Such: No biuik? Fashion Notes Herb Auw, .\. 1". O. ex-life guard, ad\ocates nail polish for the mitts ot the well-dressed college man. 1 11 bet he looks lovely with theni match- ing a striking green evening gown. Hunt up his 'phone number yom- self, boys. .Marge Johnson. A. D. Pi, wears hose that ha\e her monogram in the clocking. — s— Theta Clothes Will Be Worn by Men Without Dates The I ). I . buwer\' dance was one social e\ent where we noticed this phenomena. Naur. Psi I . freshman, is credited with originating the idea. M_\', my! What a lot of he-men on this campus. PRINCE MIKE FINDS DOUBLE IN HERR HERR Runs Casanova Close Race; Raised in Lap of Luxury The world at large ma\- ha\e their Prince Michael of Rouinania, but here in the L Diversity of Illinois we ha\e something that is quite as uiuque. It seems that this person, Harker I). Herr, 1210 West Cali- fornia, L rbana, is quite as authentic as is this Prince Michael thing. To his man\ friends and acquain- tances, ( ? ) Harker admits to being from the "Blue grass regions of Ken- tucky" ; he is also working on his doc- tor s degree. .Not content with let- ting these many friends and acquain- tances ( ?) alone and in peace with this story, Herr Herr goes on to say that he was also a teacher in Cin- cinnati or some town in (^hio for two years. He also danced with a group of professional dancers for sometime. It seems that they were of the same type of dancers that Ted Shawn brings to our campus each now and then. No, he's done more than this, he has also taken his de- gree, his master's degree, from the I mversity of Chicago. All his life, we gathered from these impression- istic pictures of wild imagery, had been spent in the lap of luxur\' amidst the softest of croonings about ()' Black Joe and Mammy, sung to the tune of clmkuig glasses and nunt- juleps, of which he is, he says, a connisieur, or however you spell it. Now the peculiar part of this is that we ha\e, here on the campus several of his high school chums, a fnend of ours that says he has al- ways lived in Bloomington and who went to Knox college with him. In- quiries at the graduate school's offices brought the information that Herr (Cnntiniiitl nn Pntje 20) The SIREN CHI-OMEGA TRIO Mitti, Ddisi, and (iini pose, with Howie Vmiii;; and Hed Owen in liarkiirmind Chio Trio Rates the Beta House Climaxing a successful musical career, the Chio trio achieved the epitome of social success when Alittie Ruth finalJN annexed Johnny Ryde's Beta pin. If they can find an un- suspecting Beta for Dorsey, every- thing will he just too sweet. But what Beta wouldn't suspect Dorsey? Richartl ( I'sych department) Ledgerwood asked the Siren re- porters not to mention his secret marriage. We won't, I^ick. — S— J. Wesley Swanson, Illinois' gift to the I)ra\ina o\\ns a perfect walk according to Wesley and a foot specialist. All pigeon-toed striders ma\' now apply for the Trihe of lllmi. — S— Another recent marriage was that of Dottie Onken (A. I). Pi) ti' Owen Edwards (A. Chi Rho). We have no conclusion to draw, so dr:i\\ vour own. STATION W-O-N-T 10 o'clock: Coleman (irifRth, dear ol' Coley, will give a class room lec- ture on "The Psychology of Being What You Think You Are." 11 o'clock: I rbana Mother's club will get together for a post mortem on their various operations which they will broadcast. 12 o'clock: Dinner . . . Sound ef- fects by Joe Mirabella. 1 o'clock : Yesterda\ 's news re- views by the great lover, York Bishop. 2 o'clock: No broadcasting. (We are broke). .1 o'clock : Same as abo\ e . . . 4 o'clock : Sisn off. <:y/'/MyM/yy//y/y//y///y/y///yMmyyy/y//'MVAWMwyyM I Pull the Chain... By Maggie Moron ^ MMWWW^j'W^M^MWWWWW///WW///m > We always thought that Feedle- bauins was owned by the smaller of the two Feedlebaums. It isn't. The larger of the two Feedlebaums owns the controlling share and does he raise hell with the lesser half. . . .! The old Jack O'Lantern has gone and we now see the passing of the last comfortable booths in Twin- Cities. What with a new presidency coming up for fulfillment, we are offering the Roo.seveltian odds that SO per cent of the guesses are wrong as to who fills Chase's place when he goes. Which reminds me of a story anent Carl, //(c Carl Chase who dances and throws roses, or does he? . . . anyway, it was back at the Presi- dent's reception, way back when, and the flowers looked rather wilted, to which Carl replied, "Well, what could you expi'- \V hen interviewed near the verv spot of the crime, Mort confessed to our reporter that the whole thing was a publicity stunt to work up interest in the new line. The platform: a blond to kiss in the library for every vote ! The Chios are said to be sacri- ficing themselves for the cause. But more! Wilbur insists that his little fau.\-pas was a brunette. Phi Sig: .And how are you? Tri Delt: Oh we're all right. Phi Sig: -Migawd what do >ou mean Jl'e? Tri Delt: Just ate an apple witli .T worm in it. What a funny thing a penguin is, .A full-dress suit is really his Pajamas and his swimming suit, A most utilitarian brute. -Active: How did you like your breakfast ? Pledge: Oats all right. up to kiss him — then as an after- thought, turned to those of her sis- ters who were present .uid asked, "You don't mind, do \ou?" "Heavens no," replied ten or so in unison, "I've done the same thing myself!" The SIREN We Know a Better Way Was Bill Karnes' face ever red at Axe (iriiuler's! He appeared at tin- dance with his physiognomy sinipK covered with indelihle lipstick — and he insists to this day that his land- lady put it on him — with her fingers. It may be so, but we dunno, the story sounds so queer — . The howl of it all is that he had to go to Military the next day, and the durn stuff was in- delible! His landlady should have been more thotful, no matter hoiv she applied it. This same young gentle- man brought this same landlady (it's beginning to sound involved) a three pound box of candy back at Christ- mas time — but as there was a train wreck (don't we all know it?) he spent the long, long hours consuming the candy — and he's been in bed ever since. As for that train wreck and the resultant wait. 1 thought I'd die the death of a rag-baby before we finally hit Champaign. The first hour or so wasn't so bad, just as we never mind so much the first song or two that the Chi Cl. trio renders — Imt iiftir that — 1 Bill Clark & Babe However, there are always some little things to brighten up the dark- est hours — and the long wait on the train was immeasurablN' brightened by the show that Helen Ruth Hosier and her tall, lanky bo\-fiiend put on in the back of coach two. Mebbe it wasn't a show — mebbe it was an en- durance contest or a Marathon. Any- way it surely was somethin', lor they spent the entire eight horns from Chicago to Champaign in uhat was practically one, elongated kiss. We all enjoyed it immensely, and wish to publicly thank them ; it was worth the $.3.45 train fare just to see it. And the strangest thing of all was that the only light in the train that was out was directly above their heads. And I'm ilill laughing over what a certain Chi (). confessed to me today. It seems that as the semester was drawing to a close, she deciiled she had better do some thing about the "D" she was scheduled to receive in a particular course. W^hereupon, said Chi (). hastened up to her in- structor and in the sweetest of voices requested a conference. He obliged and designated 210 University hall as the meeting place — but our little heroine is not so heavy on the mem- ory work, and turned up at 210 Lin- coln hall the next day at tlv appointed time and all, only to find that that certain room was unmis- takably labeled "MEN." Her only worry was whether she was to meet him going in or coming out! The Woman Pays The beautiful and \ersatile Dorsey Conners has gone temperamental as well. She was scheduled to sing at the New Year's Eve party, given by the Intercollegiate club at the Steu- ben club in Chicago on December .31st last. Consequently, she received all due publicity — her pictures in the papers, etc. Moreover, she got into the dance without paying the re- quired $'), ami managed to get her sorority sisters in at half price — and then she didn't sing! The orchestra, it seems, couldn't play "Willow, weep for me" in H flat. It worked once — will it work again? And here is a story with a moral :- Never, never trust those orchestra leaders! Joe Tills did, and is he sorry! At the Sophomore cotillion, whin he was still innocent as to their perfidy, he danced himself and Dot- tie Flowers, POP, up to the plat- form and remarked to Charlie Agnew that he wouldn't mind direct- ing a band like that. "(Oh, you wouldn't would you," replied Charlie with a dastardly gleam in his eye, "well, if \ou'll let me dance with that good-looking girl of yours, I'll let you direct the orchestra." "Fair enoLigh," responded Joe, still inno- cent and still abroad. Whereupon, Illini S ii)nhir Mr. Aj;iu'\\- walkcil oH the phittorm and waltzed a\va>' with Dottic. What was there fnr poor jne to do but direct the hand. And ('.luirlii- d'uhi' t mint Ixuk until nf/tr five dances! Did they ha\e the tun, the? And tn ■m\i.\ insult to injur\, Ai^new \i:\\f Dottic his baton and autographed it to boot. Oh. it's a great lite! Ask Joe. At the w. k. Chi Hete prison ilance this year, they had their w. k. electric chair, in which each young ladv was placed upon entering the jail. Im- agine the embarrassment ot the poor co-ed who h\e\\- the tuse ! At the same dance. the\ pronu'sed all those who were condemned to .solitary confinement that they should ha\e warm water tor breakfast, hot water for luncheon, and cold water at night. The depression must ha\(' ended at the Chi l?ete house. We h.i\e cold water all the time. IV hen Greeks Meet The\ sa\ that this Xicholsen. of the philosophy department, is plent\ tough on the women, but we can re- member when there was a certain Flstelle Burndt that had him taking her out to pla\ tennis and to coken' smoke and a lot of things . . . and further, she had him in class . . . (meaning what. .Mi. Circen? oh nothin', nothin' at all . . .onl\ . . . angels have big feet. . . . ) Ha\e you heard of the drunken Sig Alph that called up a taxicib compain and said. "Sweetheart, get \()ur nightgown on ,ind come on o\er . . . wni] bring a cake of ice with M)u." Well, the cab dri\er ilid it and w hen he came over, we mean, \\hen the cab driver brought the ice. not the nightgown, well, when the cab driver came over with the ice, the sigalph came down ;uul said. "Oh! Did I order that, too?" So he takes the ice and pays for it and leaves the dri\er to drive on alone, the part\ went merrily on its wa>- back up the stairs of the Sig Alph maison, ice on slioidder, superbly content. Esther Kicks It . . . Puling mid semesters, Ksther I ehl, how di) you spell that name? . . . an\way, at the regular tlance, we saw Ksther cavorting arouiul and we immediately nonu'nated her foi- the presidency of the Mother's Club of the future on account of the wa\' she kicks her feet about, \'ou know, sort otlike this, one, two, thiee, one, two, three, . . . ad infinitmu. . . . T hree Chi Omegas were m;u ried this last semester, which reminds us that they get the honors, just like the North West mounted. Still, the Thetas have something to crow about too, they had an alum married in the house during mid-semesters, ac- cording to Madame Dickerson. We wondered if this alum was trying to encourage the girls and cheer them up with a demonstration of doing the undoable. W^here, oh where, are tlie Pi Phis? We haven't heard one nastx fenu'nine remark about them once last semester. Is it possible that, like the old gray mare, "they aren't what they used to be" ? Speaking of Pi Phis, Mary Henley, who pledged Pi Phi back when Foellinger was woman's editor of the Illini and when Mary was working on the Illini, has been rather innocuous of late. Hoy and girl, go thou and look that word up in \e dictionarv, it's a good one . . . joe. . . . "Synergy" — Marriage? We nonu'nate to the Siren hall of fame, a Mr. (loldstein who takes Sociolog\- ( )ne at '' A. .M. The class w.is discussing "S\nergy, " and the detiru'tion was written on the boanl — "the combination of antagonistic (dements for a common result. " "Now." said the instructor, "who will gi\e us a good illustration of this process?" His eye fell on the un- lucky Mr. (Goldstein. "What," the instructor wanted to know, "is a good example of antagonistic ele- ments uniting for a mutually desired (d'lnlinncd nn I'ru/r 10) 10 The SIREN Hnp, RAMrt 'You Haven't the Guts, Adolphe!" (Continued from Page 9) lesiilt?" Our hero opened one sleepy eye, ami muttered, ".Marriage." The much-tooted Axe Grinder's ball has been and went. But many are the memories that linger there- from. First of all there is the story of the little Pt^P who wanted to know whether she should send home for her formal for the dance or not! Moreover, the rumour is abroad that Rady and Cohen indulged in a lot of what the\ called "social work" when the lights went out at the aforemen- tioned Ball. We'll let that pass, be- cause Bill Shakespeare himself saiii that a rose by ani,' other name would smell as sweet. It is also alleged that this same Dottie Cohen, who crooned a little crooning at the braul, asked her escort, ingeniously or otherwise, if Joe Brock, dressed in the conven- tional black and white stripes so aptly fitted to his person, were a fugitive from a chain store! Now you tell one. Hark! Hark! We're wondering whether Dr. Paul is feeling as hurt as he should be feeling over the inability of his students to appreciate his vocal po\\ers. The other da\' he entertained his English 41 class with a melodic renilering of, "Hark, hark, the lark" without words, and ha\ing finished, he requested the students to tell him what he had been singing. One of those awful, sinking-spell hushes fell o\er the classroom, and everyone began industriously scribbling in their notebooks. Finall\ one brave girl, a Miss Peterson, raised her hand. "Ah, Miss Peterson," beamed Dr. Paid, "and what was I singing?" "Schu- bert's Si'rfn/uic." she responded. A certain jaunty co-ed was ac- cused of being a flirt, the other day. "How wrong yovi are"; she sighed, "my love is eternal — but the object jus:: changes !" The Phi Omega Pi house was visi- ted by robbers the night before Thanksgiving vacation, and when the girls came back to school, they de- cided to keep the doors securely ((Jn)!/i)ii/(/l on PiKjc 14) llliiii .\ umber II ILLINI BOARD SEEN IN EARLY ACTION mini Bt cries of '"You C)lii nieanie. you!" and replies of "You're an- other!", the lllini veteran debaters defeated another group of veteran debaters. The\ also were lllini men. The match took place in the rooms of the Clii Tau house and the oppos- ing teams took their position across the street in the AKL windows. The question debated was. at best, debatable, since no one seemed to know, nor did the spectators, who had not paid aii\' admission since Tuesda\. care. This reporter was also there. Others present were. Barnacle McDougall '39 and there were a host of others. The other side won. Weather Forecast Chambana: Rain nn I uesda\ ; an\ other day, rain, snow, hail, liell, slightly warmer, slightly colder in south-east portion near Haifa Dam house: fidl moon once a month, full every night if you supply it. ON THE CAMPUS Marion Irrni.inn '->-\ tiammer Pher Heter. spent the Christmas va- cation in the wilds of Michigan. An iceberg, it is said b\ the sistern (or is it cistern?), is responsible for the handaized nose. It is reported that the iceberg is doing as well as can be expected. (, ieorgie .Staudt, >i>n ul .Mi. and Mrs. Staudt, finds it difficult to con- centrate on how many papers to whom but linds great relaxation in basketball games. Howie Emrich also bears this great love for sport, as ilo the (jamma Phis and the .Alpha Chios. .Marj .Morrison, bwoc, and Rob- ert (Stone-face) Dwyer, BMOC, waited for 25c seats at the Virginia the night of the Soph Cotillion. It has been heard that the ushers thought Hob was one of their bosses so resplendent was he in his formal attire. It is local gossip in the Union Building basement that the Theta Chi pin worn by Helen (Freshman Frolic) Garland was not that of any number of the lllini business staff. Phi Tau's Cause Much Trouble The Phi Tau's scarlet fe\er s.are was far-reaching in its consequences. Margaret Krames. Alph Zi. had to submit to a test for scarlet fever. Miss Krames when questioned by oin' doughty reporter ( he'd had .scarlet fever) said she was in no wa\' con- nected with the Phi Tau house. Heilen \\'\notr '.-i^ will >pcnd the weak-end in bed in Cliicago. Sports Bulletin Esther Uhl, women's business manager of the lllini. and By (\. M. C. A.) Josi are more or less weekly attendants at well-known movie houses. Contestants for the walking races will start back and forth in JC's any Wednesday now. AVomen and chil- dren first. S Donald Stearns Hoebei. pride of Chi Psi lawdge, has at last turned his attention to the business .staff. Of course we'\e all heard ot tin- widow who sued the editor of her local paper for sa\ing in an obituar) that her husband "had gone to a happier home. " CHI-OS UNI NECKING CHAMPS J\ Trophies won by Kissy-fa nocturnal gong-kicking. DON HOEBEL— .\ssociate business manager. Sachem, Ma-Wan-Da, Chi Psi, Pan-Hell Committee, a quiet sort of smoothie from 'way- back, in realitj' one of the big powers behind several campus thrones. If the depression ever lets up we won't be surprised to see him holding down a big job. W.VRREN B.A.DGER Who is the soulful-eyed news ed. a Ma-W an- Da, and Sachem. .Xt present he is in intensive training to become one of the beer barons of the Phiddle- deephi house. He is said to be the last Kappa Sig with principles. 14 The SIREN (Conliniud fro/ii Page 10) locked. Thereupon, on the next Sun- day night when everyone went out to Kamerer's for dinner, Louise Worth was discovered painstakiiifily bolting lierself and her Chi Hete boy-friend in. "What's the matter, Louise," questioned one of the sistcrn, "are you going to be busy?" "Oh, no," the one in question responded, "but 1 don't want to get caught!" Now we ask you ! Mr. Sears, doctor of psychology, (he also will have given nie my grade bv the time this issue comes to light), remarked in his abnormal course the other day (take it as you will), that no one ever got married without spending much time in talking baby- talk. And the dear doctor just got married himself this last summer. We imagine his wife would be grateful for tliis information. Tight Crib In an exam, a freshman arri\cd who was oh! so very tight the night before. He cahiily sat in a vacant seat ne\t to the instructor, hioked at tlie exam, sliook his bleary head, opened his notebook and proceeded to copy the crib he had prepared — for another course ! ( Name furnished on request — also course number in case any f rosh is worried ) . Imagine the embarrassment of jerry Mc(irew and liis little girl- friend ! They \\ent into a certain Coke and Smoke the other night, and were requested by one of the wait- resses to kindly cease their participa- tion in the muiierous kissing games which were taking up theii" time and e\eiyone else's, incidentally. The management, it seemed, did not care tor tliat sort of thing. ( I'robabh it annoyed the waitresses). t)h, well, the restaurant just lost two good customers. Blase' Jane — Princeton Tujcv Thrills do come into being, e\en HI the life of the blase college stu- dent, we felt real sorry foi' Janr !Vloberly the other day, she saui she hadn't had a real thrill since she got a baby buggy for Christmas and tli.it was way back when. . . . We'll tell Santa Claus for you, Jane, next time, as we do oblige. Every morm'ng and every niglit we find immense satisfaction in listening to Lowell l?lancharil, llu breaker of hearts, mis-pronounce this and that over station W-I-L-L. They say Mirabella's going into the movies. He's got a job doubling for "The Lost Legion," which re- minds us, "(^h Katherina, oh Kath- erina, there's so much of \ou, two, etc." Good Old Katie! Kay Tuach, surel\' \ou know Ka\ Tuach ! Well, an>wa\-, tickle dame rumour had it that her picture was going into the next issue of College Humour and then slie heard that the damn thing, meaning the mag, was broke and had suspended publication. All well, e\erything comes to him (and her) who waits. We'll take your picture, little kirl ! And when the mag did come out she was .ab- sent ! llliiii yj limber L-> RUSHING SEASON OPENS REVELERS CAUGHT IN RAID BY SHERIFF SHOAFF Phi Delt He-men are shown puttini; ;i huttun mi a I'lcish. No hut- hnxini^: It's all out in the open It sets tiresome trying to figure ()\it the status of the Aldythe j Taylor in the hearts of her one and only duet of boy friends. Sorta' wish Puerta wouM tell AVilsoii he was in the way or vice versa. Any- thing to end the dirty looks that are being cast indiscriminately. . . . High-Hat Giesecke (Outside of Giesecke high-hatting the sistern and not eating at the Tri- Delt camouflage, we wonder what's new over at 508 Chalmers. The last time we went by there, there was one of those red-lanterns burning out in front of the house. Of course. now, it didn't mean a thing ... or shall we say, "It don't mean :i thing . . . Coleman Griffith, of the ed. psych department, is amusing as hell. Dur- ing one of his finals he was pacing up and down the floor and suddenly he whirled and turned toward the room, shouting, "What are you look- ing at?" He counted eighteen voices and they all replied, "Who me?" . . . ( it isn't safe to have one of those psychologists around . . . ) Someone said they saw Hurdman, of the Romance Language depart- ment, out on a date the other night. Editorially speaking, we wonder what our facultv is coming to! There's going to be a lot of ex- citement when the word in general determines whether or not Red Owen is married or not. Housemother Ramsey, of the Sig Chi house, says they don't need any rushees till next fall. What that sounds like, we don't know, but it does strike one rather queerly in these days of the depression. They say the reason that Stan Brasch hangs around with Hopeless Harry the Halfwit. (Johnny Hope), is that neither trusts the other in re- gard to Madame Connors. 9ll7 South W^right. Champaign. Passion Pit Not that there will be anything done about it, but it would be a good idea if the inmates of the Passion Pit, Davenport house, would kindly refrain from kicking the gong arouiul in various places that are public. notably one tall seductive looking brunette with the general tonnage displacement of a truckhorse. Mr. Houghton of the Sociology department is in for it again. ( Ry the time this issue of the Siren comes out. he will have handed in my grade). First of all, he breaks into print because he advocates the t\ing (Continuid on Page 24) When Sheriff Shoaff raided the Sig C^hi house Satiirtlay night he foiiiul that things were as usual and he arrested, or took into ciistod\ about all but two of the boys. Those he took into custody he arraigned on the charge of possessing pins and of usurping the peace and dignity of man. The raid was a complete suc- cess as far as prizes were counted but a failure in regard to the nione\ situ- ation since not one of the men could pay their fines. Rather than board the men at tl.e expense of the county, argued house- mother Ram,se>', why didn't the kind sheriff let the bo\s go and they woidd not, not once e\ent, insist in anyone's joining their frat club. It has. he ad- mitted, in the past, been the custom to become what he termed, rather "insistent " on their rushees pledging the house, but, and liere he averred, (that's a swell word), they wouldn't do that ainmore. The sheriff looked rather pained and with another look of pain, he let them go. DELTA GAMIVIA COMMITS GRAVE SOCIAL ERROR Last night Lorraine Nauman, in a calm manner, introduced Fred Stresau, one of Ciod's Chi Psi's as jack McKenzie. The young man hided his time and later asked her if she knew Fred Stresau. She said, '^'es, quite well. " What she did after Fred calmly admitted to being that young lad was not known b\ press time. Mis!> Xauinan is here shown intro- iliicin:; >Ii'. Stresau 16 T h c S I 1< E N To a Placid Individual I shall rcincnilx'i yoii w itli (|uii't tliiiif^s — i'l-rhaps A clear cold star Set in a haze of hlue shall hriiiL; your face Perhaps A platiimni lake Shall hrirr^ the calmness of \'our smile. I'ale roses Shall capture nieniory — 111 a vase of blue Shall make the thouiiht of you Come gliding Thoughtfully — Gently — Slowly (^'er the bridge of years. Tears On some poor sufferer's face — A book Lonely on a shelf — Laxendar — old lace. Thus I'll remember \()u ! To a Tempermentalist I shall remember you with vnid thmgs- A splash Of riotous color Shall recall your name. A red-orange sunset Splattered On a purple sk\ — Foaming sea-wa\es Or a night-wind's cry. Nothing Calm or gray or simple, Nothing Quiet, plain or peaceful Shall ever stir my soul. But motley colored Mowers Blazing forth from a dull background. Or leaping flames Bursting from their hiding — Yes, even patchwork quilts Or wild, red-trimmed curtains! Seeing them, I shall remember! Illini Xitnihi'r 17 A LEAF of Bright Tobacco or of Kentucky Burlev Tobacco has in it about 27*0 in weight of stem. The stem is woody. It does not contain the same in- gredients as the tobacco. It does not burn like tobacco. There would be necessarily a sort of rankness or bitterness about the smoke from the stem. This 27% in weight of stem, therefore, is removed before the leaf tobacco is used in Chesterfields. Evervthing is done that can be done to make Chest- erfield milder and taste better. r 1^--. -J © 1933, Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. 18 The SIREN MASSIVE GAMMAFIS WHIP DAINTY AXO'S CLASSIFIED ADS Twin City Notes WANTED— Chi O, size 40 to claim the "pretties" which Ra\ Kubec. S. A. K.. ami his room-mate have. Only the fifteen Chi O's who are cliiiible nieil apply. No questions asked. The Hring-your-own Bridge club will gather at the home of Marma- duke Challingston Wednesday nite for a little bridging. Gingerale and crackers with cheese will be bought and paid for b\ the guests at the ^orner delicatessen store. Damma Fly Raita defeated Alpha Cry Omega, 90-50 yesterdav' after- noon in the W. Hey Hey intramural wulleyball "turnamunt." The grace- ful, airy arabesques of the Alpha Cry ballet corpse were as naught against the massive onslaught of the Damma WANTED— Phonograph, to pla> the record of Sherm Anderson's (Alpha Sig gift to the ladies) loveh lyric tenor. Sherwood woidd give away the record — but all his friends are so sorrv, the) don't own phono- graphs ! The Square Sewing Circle will give a sewing at the home of Iva Ripp, 1748 West South street, Ur- bana, Saturday evening. A covered- dish, luncheon will be given Tuesday at the home of their new member. Fly's. The victors' w. k. wrestling holds were a decided advantage. PieFie outplayed Thayt Whoops- along in a — oh well, what else did \ou cxjiect ? S The Light-The-Lamp reading cir- cle will give a reading free Tuesday evening on the Court hou.se steps in Urbana, at eight o'clock. The Merry Wives of Athletes will give a demonstration of wrestling as practiced in the Pop house, in the Alpha Phi house, on Monday night at seven o'clock. WANTED — Kappa pledges, must not lose their tempers and tell the actives to go to, after walk-out (When this ad was sent in the\ asked for eleven, but some of the pledges reconsidered and now they only need four. served by the S. .A. I. sorority Fri- day nite at their chapter house. A delightful note of originality will be introduced since they are concealing their address in order to make the affair a good deal like a treasure liunt. "Yes, and after seeing her in a bathing suit I know he must have married her for her money" Illini N limber 19 Bull-etin Board riu- Kappas lu'R'b) give notice rliat they neeil house hills like he and that most any imiepeTulent woman woiilil he weleomeil. There will be a meeting of all who flunked in sonic course or other in the past semester, in the upper par- lors of the Woman's building. Good weepers are cordially invited. Candidates for tlie Women's rille team will still be accepted ; report at the Health Service Station. Experi- ence is luinecessary, and beside the |i()int. Fraternity reports in regard to all who are not taking their Saturday niglit baths are to be handed in to Dr. Beard at the Health service by four o'clock this afternoon. All freshmen who are desirous of work should apph in person at the Chi Omega house by Friday noon. Dates are scarce and their remuner- ation is in keeping witli their show- ing. Fwhy Rappa Whoopsilon will hold a luncheon at noon (of all times) for a surve\' of the potential sucker list. Reservation will be made for mem- bers unless they get out of it by to- night. The Life Saving Club will meet at the usual time tonight in the pool- room. Woman's building. All local loafers and habitual bliiui-daters shoidd be on hand, as there is plenty of life saving to be done at the 'Fry- delt buiiiralow. There will be a sale of brass knuckles ami boxing gloves Frida\ afternoon at the Ciii O. house for all women students having dates with Delta L s an\ time in the future. Adel///( Literar\- Society will hold the second of a series of tryouts tor membersiiip at ():(ll) tonight in Adel- liu Hall. .Anyone interested in translations of I'lu Lnvi Bonks nj Ovid. J flu'^iiitf, etc., is invited to come. ()nl\ tile first live hundred will be admitted. The Social Problems Club will hold a meeting tonight in the last two booths of J. C.'s, to discuss the problem, "What to do about the Heer-sodden Tropics of Champoon." Tiopics of the Day by President Fox, a moron to the core. First practice for the Pistol Team will be held from 2 to 3 Monday. First lesson will be on Shotgun Wed- dings and Harris (5/ varieties) L ndum will be used as target. Important meeting of Field and Furrow club this evening at the Delta Gamma house to decide what to do about that certain Zoology professor that goes bug-hunting with a flashlight around Crystal Lake on moonlit nights, thereby causing some of the students tn die of embarrass- ment. A new course has been added to the L niversity curriculum, namely. Plain and Fancy Flunking taught b\ Professor Siebold. The class will be held Monda\', Tuesday, Wednesday, Tliursda\', Frida\ , and Saturday from S to 4. 1 he Life Savuig club will meet at The Rustic Inn from 12:00 to 1 :00 Saturday night to try out their methods on .some of their soaked-in- beer companions. In this way tlie\ hope to decrease the members dying of White Man's Disea,se — or acute alcollioli>iii. The I'rbana W. C. T. V. will celebrate the I.^rh aniii\ersary of the ISth amendment tomorrow afternoon in the home of .Mrs. Sluggin. After the news of the winning of the last war is announced, tomato cocktails will be served with drv ice. lew/ Who's^ooking cauliflower? WHEN you smoke a foul, reek- ing pipe, you may think you're getting away with it with your nost- ess. But you can't fool a bird. For your own sake as well as others, start today smoking a gooil tobacco in a well-groomed pipe. Sir Waiter Raleigh's mild mixture of Kentucky Burlevs is an excellent tobacco. It's lo mild that it aKv.ivs pleases the most haughty hostess. And it s so rich, fra- grant and tuU-bodied that it will give you infinite satisfaction. Your tobacco store has it — kept fresh in gold toil. Btovvn & Willi.inison Tob.-icco Corporation Louisville, Kentucky, Dept. W — i\ Send for this FREE BOOKLET ■ cyhw io TAKE CARE of HOltr PtPE It's i«;^-A> 5''— AND ITS MILDER 20 The SIREN Kaptain Klean Says — How many will read this add? I wonder Cut this out and mail to Kaptain Klean or brin^ it to the LAUNDRY DEPOT located at 80S South Sixth right at the corner of Sixth and Daniel and I'll surprise you. "Vours truly, KAPTAIN KLEAN of the WHITE LINE LAUNDRY 'OT PANTS WILLET SENIOR INFORMAL NOT WORTHY OF MENTION ( (jOntiiiiiid jioin Piujc I ) there. To(ia\ , Hob is the only sur- vi\or of that qLiintet. Don't misun- ilei>tan(l us; he doesn't go tlicre alone. Bob is \irginlike in his habits; he doesn't swear, smoke, go out witli the women, he studies, doesn't pla- giarize, and likes to have serious talks. But he will sing! He is all right, however. There you have the senior staff of tliat illustrious and incomparable paper. They'll defend it as arduou.''- ly as Rill Karnes will defend his annual magazine. But if ever tiiere was inefHciency on any staff, if ever there was any throat cutting, if ever there was a lack of production and labor, if ever there was shoddy work done, that staff has done it. But as we have already stated, the\'re all right! HOSPITAL NOTES Miss Stevens Dorman and Wil- liam Seaclift' were admitted to the Burnham Cit\ hospital psychopatiiic ward yesterda\'. Miss Dorman ami Mr. Seaclift were quite prominent on the campus. Mrs. Frances Lowenstein and Mrs. Martha Hadley and bab\ were discharged yesterday. Let Mrs. Had- ley have her own baby ! A son was born to Mr. and Mrs. U. Know Who at the U Know Where hospital yesterday. Optimism is eternal . . . Many people will be surprised to learn that the Senior Informal was held as planned the night after the Junior Prom. The J/liiii. it is as- sumed, did not care to mention it. Main' belic\e that it was not woitli mentioning. But it was li;'M never- theless. It has often been maintained h\ the instructors of journalism tiiat the Siren's worthy contemporar\ is little less than a publicity sheet for the Universit\, running advance stories for weeks. But tlie follow story did not follow in this case. "Like Ko-ko says to the Mikado, 'If your Majesty tells oft a man to killed, he is the same as killed, and it he is the same as killed why not say so?' So if the Il/iiii says that an event will take place, it will take place, so win write about it.''" was the reply elicited froni Otto (Effing- ham) Willett, when he was Bad- gered one morning. PRINCE ANANIAS ( Cdiiliniiid from Fnt/e ."> ) Herr was working on his master's degree and that he had dropped out of school. His age is problematical, but inquiries show that he woulil ha\'e to ha\'e been a child prodigy to have done all these things. Inasmuch as his story of living in Kentuck\ has b:'en disproven, inasmuch as he isn't working on his doctor's degree, inas- much as he is from Bloomington, in- asmuch as he has twehe pairs of pajamas that he said girls had given him, inasmuch as, well, just inasmuch as all of the above and for the same reasons, we would nominate Herr Herr for at least a little bit of a title, even if it was something not quite as grand as "Prince Michael Roman- off." Personally, we would nominate him, unquestionably, for the second place medal and also to the title ot "Prince Ananias." /Hint N umber 21 Volume XXXIII Ii.i.ini NuMnnR FnnRUARV, 1933 No. 5 CARI, J. DIKSER Edilur-in-Cliirj WILLIAM A. ZOELLER Ilusiniss Maiiaf/er EnnoKiAi, Staff DoiKiliI F. Mulviliill hsuciate Editor R. n. I.;i Fcinii hsislaiif Editor Wilfred J. Brogden Ofjia- Munaijir James Oavis David Eldrcd Sid[ie> Schnitzer Nita Ramey It' Oman's Editor Miriam Van Buskiik Exilian/jc Editor Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day Lillian Stanford U'innie Ha^lan^ L.MHi Pierce /;/ Editor ane Fainit/ Issoriuir Irl Editor n. M. Meskimcn hsislaiit Art t^ditor H. Samuel Kruse IVd Parmelee I'.vchn I.antz I'lorentia Metzger Betty Rdss Julie Mrllale Business Sr \i i I'liuald 1 Mulkiier Idvirtisiiii/ Muiuu/ir 11. II. Ottcn Issisliiiit Idl'irtisinr/ Maiuu/rr \\ in. I'altou CArailutioii Miuiiuiir Murrav Shrader ('<>l>y Manayrr Elaine CJeidell Of fin- Manaijir W'illiur J. Ihompiin Collrclinn Maiiuijir AssiSIAN'TS Betty C;i)liy, Doris Frazin, Seyniour llershman, Lillian Saltzman, Adele I'ulil Published monthly by the lllini PubliNhing Company, University of Illi- nois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-t)ffice at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. C)ffice of iiublication. lllini Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. .\dilress all communications, Illinois Union Building, Chanii)alyn. lllinnis. ("n]iyright, 19,12, Ity The Siren. Exclusive reprint right granted to (JilgeHumOr magazine. 22 The SIREN The Cinemagraph VIRGINIA "State Fair," which has pio\c(l itself a major attrac- tion, starts on Sunday, March 12, featuring Janet Gaynor, Will Rogers, Lew Ayres, Sally Eilers, and other stars. You'll sympathize with the children of the famih' when they have their first taste of life, and \ou'll howl when Will finds out that the one thing that his prize hog needed to win was a lady friend ! This picture has a rare mix- ture of heart-appeal and true comedy. Beginning March 17, for a two-day run, conies "15road- Sall.v Kilcrs, Will Kosers, l,ew .\yrps and .laiift (■a.iiioi' ill a scent' Iriini ".State Fair" way Hail," with a couple of your old favorites — Joan Hlon- dell and Ricardo Cortez — taking the leads. t)n Sunday, the 1 0th, Heeln Hayes appears in her latest film, "The White Sister," with Clark (jahle. Miss Hayes goes far toward re-winning the highest acting honors, as she did last year, in this picture. Irene Dunne gi\es another of her famous characteriza- tions in "Madame Blanche," coming to the Virginia on the 24rd-25th. She is cast as an American chorus girl who marries a titled Englishman only to find tragedy at the end of her love affair. A series of engrcssing dramatic circum- stances befall the girl before she is finalh united with the .son born of this marriage. From the 26th-29th "Our Betters" appears at the Virginia, starring Constance Bennett, while from the 3Uth through the first John Barrymore appears in "Topaze," pl;i\uig ;ui entirely new kuul ot role — and makmg .'i wallop- ing success of it. ORPHEUM From .March 14-lfi, Wallace Beery appears in "Plesh," having a powerful role, comedy and pathos giving him plenteous opportunity to display his versatile talents in this story of the wrestling ring. (leorge O'Brien appears in Zane Cirey's "Smoke Light- ning" on the 17th-18th, supported by Sally 0'Da\. On the 19th-2()th, Ed Wynn, the perfect fool, appears in "Follow the Leader." "Lucky Devils" shows in this theater from the 20th- 22nd, starring Bill Boyd in a story of Hollywood's stunt men who risk their lives daily to provide the movie audience with thrills. This is followed by "Whistling in the Dark" on the 2.^rd-24th, which stars Una Merkel, Ernest True.x, John ALljan ami Johnny Hincs. This is the story of a nnstery novel author who attempts to devise a perfect crime. On the 26th-27, Evehn Brent and James Murray ap- liear m "Air Hostess," a romantic drama pla\ed against the background of commercial a\iatioii. This is followed on the 2Sth by the Katherine Cornell stage-hit, "The Outsider." PARK The month of ALirch brings an exceptionally fine bill of second-runs to this theatre. On March 2-3, "Life Begins," featuring Loretta Young; 4, "Hello Trouble," with Kay Francis; 5, "If I Had a .Million." with (leorge Raft, (jary Cooper, Miriam Hopkins; 6-7, "Almost Married, " Ralph Bellamy; 8, Elissa Landi in "Passport lo Hell"; 0-10, Joe E. Brown, in "You Said a Mouthful"; 11, ".M\ster\ Ranch," with (leorge C^Brien; 12, "Con- gorilla," the famous jungle picture. Warren William stars in "The Match King," on the 15th; 16-17, Stuart Erwiii. in "He Learned .About Women"; 10, "The Aninial Kingdom," starring Leslie Howard and Ann Harding; 20-21, John Barrymore in "Bill of Divorcement"; 22, "E\eiiings for Sale," with Zasu Pitts and Charles Butterw orth ; 23-24, "Farewell to Arms," starring Helen Hayes and Gary Cooper; 25, "Haunted Gold, " a western; 26, Wheeler and Woolsey in "Hold Em Jail" ; 27-28, "The Phantom of Crestwood '" with Ricardo Cortez; 20, "Under Cover Man,"" with George Raft; 30- 31. "Silver Dollar,"' with Edward G. Robinson. 1 he Park starts April with Tom Keene in "Come on Danger"" on the first, and Lee Trac\ and Lupe Velez in "The Half-Naked Truth" on the second. You don't need to be told which of the pictures plaving during the month of March shouldnt be mi.ssed. Look "em o\er. There are about an even dozen and 4-star pictures in the crowd. llliiii .Xnmhir 23 RIAUO What is said to be Cecil B. DeMille's greatest produc- tion — "The Sign ot the Cross" — begins showing at the Rialto on Sunday, March 12. With a cast of 7500, headed by Fredric March, Elissa Landi, Claudette Colbert, and Charles Laughton. this promises to be one of the most spec- tacular shows of the season, combining, as it doe.s, religion, history, and the orgiastic drama of Nero's regime. Fredric Marrli and Claudette Colbert as tliej appear in "Sisn nf the Cross" The entire plot, of course, hinges about the persecution of the Christians at this time. The scenes in the Circus Maximus are guaranteed to thrill you, and the "novel and diverting ways" which Nero contrived to do away with the Christians are not only horrifying, but true. You will mar\el at the battle between the Amazonian women and the dwarses. the Empress bathing in milk, and numerous other awe-inspiring features. There is no doubt left in ones mind as to the expression "Roman Holiday." after seeing this picture. Another smash that's coming to the Rialto in the near future is "Parachute Jumper. " with Douglas Fairbands, Jr. in the lead role. The story opens in the jungles of Nica- rague where two dare-devil pilots of the L . S. Marine Corps capture a whole band of bandits after having been shot down while cruising in the air. It follows their ad- venturous career to New York City, where. aJter nearly starving to death, they are innocently entangled in a scheme to smuggle contraband b\ air from Canada. The job-hunting experiences of the two soldiers of fortune in the big city, where they team up with a wi.se- cracking t\pist. who is also broke and out of a job, provide many amusing sequences. Doug and his pal pawn prac- tically all their possessions, retaining just one suit of clothing between them. W^hen one leaves the house to hunt a job the other has to go to bed. Two Big E\'ents Coming to the RIALTO Startintr Sunda\ , March 5 THE 4 STAR HIT "42nd Street" w nil 14 STARS — 200 GIRLS Warner Baxter Bebe Daniels Starting Sunday, March 12 Cecil B. De Mille's "The Sign of the Cross" WITH FREDRIC MARCH ELISS.A. L.AXDI CLALDETTE COLBERT CHARLES L.ALGHTON and 7500 others He: A nice girl shouldn't hold a young man's hand. She: A nice girl has to. — Bison. Jim : Tillies got an f.wf ul hangover. Jam: I know. That's why I'm buying her one of those new bandeaux for her birthdav. — The Battalion. -S- We can't understand why Bill is so popular when the girls all sav he makes them tired. — drinnrl Mn/ttiistr. -S- Say prunes. Say apples, boob, that kind of kiss has gone out of style. — Widou. Annabelle says she's going to name her child Para- phernalia because it always has to be carried around. — Sun Di/i/. S Collegian: What's wrong with these eggs? Waitre.ss: Don't ask me, I only laid the table. — Raiiinifr Jammer. 24 The SIREN (Coiitiiiiicd fniiii PiK/c Li) of strings to wayward pencils to pre- vent their everlasting dropping dur- ing his class lectures. Secondly, he rates this column because of his in- genious illustration of the benefits of always looking on two sides of a thing — he remarked that he never fails to turn over the pancakes which his wife brings in to him, because al- though they look good on top, they may be burned underneath. His wife is hereby notified of his perfidy. Di- vorces have been granted on easier grounds than this. Thirdly, we feel he should be honored here because he is the only one, on his own admission, who is never late for his Sociology class. Here's another howl. Poor Dottie Smith, who resides at 713 West Ohio, is in a most perplexed state of mind. She has been receiving mys- terious phone calls all month from an individual who designates himself as Pansy. Dottie has never yet been home to get the call, and the notice is always left on the bulletin board. The puzzling part of it all to her is the fact that she doesn't know any A. K. L.'s or Betas. In Speech class the other day, one of our aspiring would-be orators began an erstwhile speech with the words, "A half century ago — ," and paused. He began again, "A half century ago — a half century ago — ah — 1 can't remember — ." "Well, re- marked the instructor, quite piqued by this time, "that is rather a long time to remember back." S Stupid Question Preacher: "Will you have this woman to be your wedded wife?" Groom: "What the hell do you suppose I came here for?" — Purple P/in/it. Mandy: Ah uses Pahm Olive fob mah school guhl complexion. Candace : What do you mean .school guhl complex? Mandy: Ah means mah night school complexion. The Poetress Falls In Love To Bill oil Wednesday Night^ But certainly, dear, 1 love you, Bill, And down in ni\' heart 1 know that I most certainly always wdl ! To Tom on Thursday But certainly, dear; don't be a sill ! Cause, darling, you know that I love you, Tom, and always will ! To Dick on Friday — Why, Dick, my love for yoii's never still. It romps and plays \\ithin my heart Like breezes — I love you and always will! And to Harry on Saturday — Harry, ma cherie, nothing on earth could kill My love for you; why do you ask? I love you now — and always will ! So they all got together and sang: (Kindly check choice) "Get Out Your Old (nay l?ustle— " "Sweet Adeline — " "Nobod\' Knows — " "That's a Plenty—" A fraternity man's idea of a co-ed : Polo coat and cocky hat, this year hiding the right eye. A long bob, sort of permanented on the ends. Bright red Louis PhiUipe lipstick — which tastes godawful. Good-looking legs encased in sheer silk stockings which are always com- ing down now that the dear old garter belt is old-fashioned again. A fanny which when she dances is exactly the obverse of the Grecian bend. A huge furnace into which one shovels cigarettes. A line consisting solely of, "No, I'm sorry I can't see you imtil seven and eight on the third Thursday of next month." Economy "We used to have to pay our little brat, Jimmie, to take his milk. Now we beat hell out of him with a base- ball bat, and he likes it fine." — Panther. Sorority Blues Sing a song of pledge fees, A pocket full of dues — Sing a song of house-notes. And actives borrowing shoes — Sing a song, both high and low, Most any old forgotten kind — You can say what you will The perfect pledge's deaf, dumb, and blind ! Free Verse — Dirge Women, women, and all of her kind — From Adam on down we've talked about em And all agreed you you couldn't live or leave Kither with or without 'em. S As the train iiulled into the depot ;i tra\eling man stuck his head out of the window, and, calling to a boy standing near, cried: "Here, kid, get me a sandwich, and take this other dime and get one for yourself." Just as the train was about to leave, the boy returned, a half-eaten sandwich in one hand. He tossed a dime to the man and shouted : "Here's your dime, they only had one." S On the invitations to the Delt house party last year — "The party will be gin at 10 o'clock." P. H. Brown: "You can't sleep in my class!" Tom Smith: "If >'ou would talk a bit lower I could." When a Kappa marries for looks, it's because he looks like a million dollars. THE END Keeping In Trend With The Times Keepini" Up the Quality and Service, Reducing the prices Altcays assuring the best; no stihstilutions MODERN— EXCLUSIVE AND SMART MERCHANDISE KA.MERER BROS. PHARMACY "Cnsiiletio Headquarters" Be Sure and Try the ANNEX r>08 KAST IXAMEL Managed 1>) Kamerer Bros. Plenty of booths, the same good food, home looking and elean KAMERER BROS. PHARMACIES The Annex (JOC East Daniel ('haiiipaign I'rbana sixth and Daniel Lincoln and Nevada DOLLAR BOOKS Hundreds of good books — books you have often wanted — are now available in at- attractive bindings at One Dollar. Drop in and Browse Around I I I FTHE STU DE NTS' supply STORES I ■ i^ 1 llj^^Y¥iu»i-s«.r^b^^i^^v/l (ilO Daniel iin Mathews Speedot7ietcrs Generator and Starter Repairing BATTERY Delco Batteries, United Motor and Trico W indshield Wiper Service Clements Battery and Electric Service 307 South Neil Street Phone 3883 Champaign 1. PICTURES ARE INDISPENSIBLE SUCCESSFUL PUBLICATION Etchino^ Ph ot*0''Eiioa^iXX>in OS Colo npJ^I'O J~» ^nrtct TtfOhr-vicQ G.R.GRUBB & CO. ,, ENGRAVERS -^ . CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS- - / Po-lease, a Camel! K^EN you make a play for her favors, a woman has three words for it. Instead of merely calling you fresh, she says "po-lease, a Camel," instead. That's because Camels are the quintessence of freshness. Never parched or toasted, these fine cigarettes are made fresh and then kept fresh in the Camel Humidor Pack. Light up a Camel and let their choice Turkish and mild sun-ripened Domestic tobacco goodness prompt you to say, Fd walk a mile for a CAMEL! R. J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO COMPANY, Winston-Salem, N. C. Xever parehvd or toasted Camels © 1933. R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company Made FWIESU— Kept FRESH ms^a^. tit::: ^^ iM ^sm^sm ',■r^^.-. jms '■'■ft'jV-'-K If |p :e NT/ k* This is no joke But have some fun at our expense a few minutes time is your only expense .... EIGHT PRIZES OFFERED By JOS. KUHN & COMPANY . . . offer extended to all University Men THE IDEA Your only requirement is to give a worth-while suggestion about our $9,000 display window. If interested . . . come into our store or mail us a post card with your name and address and all details will be given. Do not delay. This offer good for month of April 1933 only. THE PRIZES Two First Prizes: 1. One Stetson $5.00 Spring Hat. 2. One pair Friendly F'ive $5.00 Shoes. Two Second Prizes: Each — two Arrow Trump Shirts. Two Third Prizes: 1. One Kuhn Special $3.95 Hat. 2. One Kuhn-Paragon $2.95 Hat. Two Fourth Prizes: Each — two nifty 95c Spring Ties. THE JUDGES: Three members of the Siren Staff. JOS. KUHN & COMPANY "The Store for Illinois Men" DOWNTOWN CHAMPAIGN Hoiiscparty Number Our Idea of An Ideal Party Is that it would have an AXP to take care of the "lounsie." an .Alpha Chi Sigma to supply the A, an Alpha Delt to tfli the jokes, an APX to put up signs, an ATO to kick out whenever you felt like it. a Beta to dust the li- brary, a Chi Phi to keep the lights turned low, a C'hi Sigh to say grace, a DAE for an ashtray, a Delta Ciii to hold up the trophies, a Delt as wine-taster, a Dl to pro\iiie fresh puns hourl\. a KappaSidge to smooth out an> tiitficulties, a Fiddlkedefee to clean out the basement, a Phidelt to exer- cise the cats, a Phigam to bounce undesirables, a Phisigh to lead the singing, a Phikappasig to tell ghost stories, a Phi- tau to ride bicycles and frighten away babies, a Phisig to sharpen .scissors on, a PiKA to keep the shades pulled down, a Sigalph to wind up the \ ictrola, a SigX and Deke to blot and mop up things with, a Sigpie to give the gels a thrill, a Teke to make the place look crowded, ami a Theta Delt to add "tone. Hetty Haynie raising hand on Tennyson exam — 'Ml. Maxwell, what is the Malinogion ?" .Mr. Maxwell — "That's a Welsh version of the Idyl Hettv — "Oh ves! C^ne of the Welsh Virgins." jrST LEARNING THE ROPES A young bride walked into a drug store and approached a clerk timidly. "That baby tonic you advertise." she began, "does it really make babies bigger and stronger?" "We sell lots of it." replied the druggist, "and we've never had a complaint." "Well. I'll take a bottle," said the bride after a moment, paid for it and went out. Five minutes later she was back. She got the druggist into a corner and whispered into his ear: "I forgot to ask about this baby tonic," ^he said uiuler her breath. "\Vho takes it — me or my liii>band .■' " — Bison. s Ross: "Late again !" Clerk: "Well, m\ wife presented me with a baby last night!" Boss: "She would ha\e done a lot better with an alanr. clock." Clerk: "Come to think of it. that would ha\e been quite an achievement. " — Lxihaiitjf. Sonny: "Motlicr, l'iiiip:i woiihln't murder ;in\"ho(l\, would he?" Mommer: "W'iiy, certainh' not. child. What makes \(iu think that?" Sonny: "Well, I just heard him down in tiie cellar say- ing, 'let's kill the other two, George'." — Ptiinsy/vtiniti Fiiiuh JUjuI. Avoid Monotony! in your Clothes \<)u men who want to sidestep the monotony of ordinar> suitings with only pretentious claims of "Big Sav- ing" and "Just as Good" can find clothinij of unusual and distinctive de- signs in this store. Me feat II re hnppen/ieinier, liraehiirn, und other nationally famous Stylists at $30 Others $20 to $45 Schumacher Kaufman - (IN( (»KP(tK.\rKI)) Illinois Campus EASTER BIRTHDAYS \\EDDIXGS MOTHER'S DAY Should he retiienihered in Greeting Cards ♦ You will find the Right Cjreetings at STRAUCH'S at Campus — 709 South Wright The SIREN SIREN'S HOUSEPARTY NUMBER Hoiiscpurty N HVihcr \'niLMK XXXIII HOLSRPARrv N'LMRKR APRII, 1935 No. 6 CARL J. DrESER Ed'Uor-in-Chiej WILLIAM A. ZOELLER. Business Manager Ediioriai. Staff Donald F. Mulvihill Issoiialr Editor R. D. La Fond hsislani Editor Wilfred J. Brogden Office Manaijrr James Davis David Eldred Sidney Schnitzer Xita Ramey If 'o man's Editor Miriam Van Buskirk Excliange Editor Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day Lillian Stanford Biirkc Winnie Haslam Lynn Pierce Art Editor Jane Faiintz Issociale Art Editor D. M. Meskimen IssistanI Art Editor H. Samuel Kruse Ted Parmelee Evelyn Lantz Florentia Metzger Betty Ross Julie MiHale Business Siaff Donald Faulkner Idvcrtisini/ Miuiai/ir 11. H. Otten Issistant Advertising Manager \\'illiur J. I'hompson ('irt ulalwri and ('oltretioff Manager Murrav Shrader Copy Manager Elaine Cleidell Office Manager ASSISIANTS Betty CJoliy, Dori^^ Frazin, Se\mour llershman, Lillian Saltzman, .\delc Pohl, F.d McDavid Pultlisheil seven times i year in <)ctol)er. Novenilier. December. Felnii- .^ry, .March, .\pril, May by the Illini Publishing Company, I'niversity of Illinois. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-t.XTicc at L'rijana. Illinois, by act of Congress, March ,t, 1S79. OtTicc of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Address all communications. Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Illinois. The SIREN >^T»t:c:te=-^ A 16- Act Play in 5 Acts Cast-off Characters: C.HjOH (A to you, you sap) CH,OH (wood alcohol) House Mother 25 Snoppas S Fidilk-ts 13 Betas 4 Sanmiics And a pinch of that and this Time : Marches on ( unpaid adv. ) Scene: The Snoppa Doppa Hoppa House, which is the home of the sweet Snoppa Doppa Hoppas. A house party is in progress and the welkin is ringing with a wengeancc. \y\vAt we mean. As the hell (not the welkin sounds, we find a Sno|ipa and a I5cta in a clinch on the main sofa downstairs. ACT I. Beta: Willya or wontcha? Snoppa: Take \our hands ofta me, you \arlct! (See, we worked it in prett\- m'ceh-, didn't we? . . . The radio has been left turned on and we now hear it). Radio: . . . Antiseptic will relieve sore throats, hali- tosis, schi/ophicm'a, rickets, and poor vision. Tr\ a bottle today. It only — Beta (shutting off radio): Hell! 1 thought they had something there. (Enter a Sammie). Samniic: Where's my tie? (Pinter a Fiddlet). Fiddlet: The woild ish going to hell! Wheredja get that damned shtuff anywav ? (Totters over and lies face down on floor, singing "Oskey-wow-wow, Illinois"). Beta: Where's that stuff he was talking about? (Aban- dons Snoppa and rushes off to look for our first two charac- ters. The Sammie picks his tie up from where the Beta has been sitting on it, puts it on, and clinches with the Snoppa. Curtain). The BIG SNOPPA DOPPA HOPPA HOUSEPARTY or "Take Your Hands Off a Me, Yon Varlet!" ACT II. (Scene: One floor up. Approximately the same situa- tion with which we started our first act, only this time it's a Sammie instead of a Beta, and it isn't a sofa). Sammie: Willya or won'tcha? Snoppa: Take your hands offa me, you varlet! (The Sammie is awarded a time advantage by the House Mother, who has been peeking through the keyhole, as the curtain falls). ACT III. (Scene: A corner of the main living room. A couple of Betas are having a contest with a pair of Sammies to see who can tell the dirtiest jokes. The House Mother, as usual, is referee). A Beta: ... So he propped toothpicks up against the door and went away. The next morning, when he came back, they were still up — that is. the toothpicks were. So he knocked on the door and . . . ( For the benefit of our younger readers the remainder of this act has been omitted). ACT IV. Scene: The House Mother has been put to bed already. The party now gets down to serious business. A Fiddlet and a Snoppa decide to go for a stroll ( ?) outside. The night is black. There is no moon or stars). Shnoppa — (hie) — Snoppa: Wher' we goin'? Fiddlet: Oh, who caresh? Slia\, honey, ain't the nmon nishe? Sh-Snoppa: I'll shay! (hie) (At thish point a Sammy rushes out ot the houshe anil chashcs the couple). Shamm\': Shay \ou, whasha idy of swipui' my hotch — (choose)? Huh? C'mon, shtand up'n' take it! (The Shammy and the Fiddlet swing at each other (hie), but, mish, and both fall into the gutter. The Shnop- pa turns back to the' houshe and triesh to get back in via the fire escape (hie). She tiptoes up and in and ascends to her room. As she approaches the door, she hearsh voishes within ). Male voice: Willya or wontcha? Female voice: Take your hands offa me, you varlet! Shnoppa enters and finds a shister and a Beta in a rather compromising position). First Shnoppa (hie): Dammit, no privashy ! ACT V. (Left out on accounten the depression getting worser). ( Curtain ) Hoiisi'f)(irty N itmhcr "Gad! What Check!" The SIREN EAST SOUTH EAST TO SAUGATUCK I looked at her with siiiohlen'iig eyes. Wliat a crock ! I had been promised that this was to be strictly a private part\ in honor of Nelson's promotion to the advertising manager's berth of the Halifax Molded Fiber company, and now the unwelcome fifth sat over there across the deck, her hands primh folded in her lap conversing about, oh, blazes! I didn't know and cared less. She prattled on. About twenty-four, I'd say, and just ovit of a convent? If only Nelson's aunt wouldn't foist her darling daughter onto everyone to show her a good time! Black dress, very black hair, and a lace collar! 1 could see Nelson twisting luieasily in his chair. He looked like he wanted a drink. I made a sudden resoluti(jn to go below and see what there was on ice, but as quickl\ stiHed it and remarked, "\'es, I don't think Arliss should ever have entered the movies." Why didn't the girls show up? Two-thirty! I glanced up the dock. Nobody was in sight. I wondered if this .sweet thing would be offended if I should smoke. After all, she was a gue.st on the yacht as nuich as I was, and being Nel- son's coLisin — well, one didn't offend the daughter of a pal's rich aunt. Marge and Peg made a truly gorgeous picture as they bounced out of the cab. Ha, relief for the suffering Ro- hemians ! "Hello, Swede, hello everybody, here we are, all ready to go!" Peg laughed as she to.ssed the packages aboard. We helped the girls down. I heard Nelson's sigh of re- lief. "Marge, may I present my cousin. Miss Hender.son (Esther to you), Miss Stevens, and Miss Kingston, Miss Henderson." Thank goodness, that was over. "What's the gag? How come she's stowed aboard?" Peg hissed in my ear as she started down the comparuon- way. Words left me; my thumb made a decisive gesture downwards. I to.s.sed off the bow line, and then, as Swede started the engine, I slipped off the stern line and jumped on board. The ilay was fair and warm. The lake, my beloved lake, was blue and calm, and beyond the end of Navy pier the breakwater .seemed to point our way to Michigan City and the Kingston cottage in the dunes. What a setting for this crowd ! But the odd dame — she would spoil the whole week-end. "We ought to make it by seven," Swede remarked. The Yolandd cleared the breakwater, and once in op?n water seemed to take a deep breath and settle down for a pleasant afternoon's run. There was more motion out here. 1 wondered if the convent's pri()u're going. But we aren't going to Canada today, so we don't steer north. See?" She saw. It was all very simple. "Now the idea is to keep ESE imder the little black line. You tr\' to swing the line, not the compass, because that always points one way and the line is the boat. Well, that's navigation lesson number one. You get an 'A. " She seemed to unilerstand. "Don't hit any streetcars," Nelson added as he picked up the fourth hand. "And if you see any pedestrians, call me. I'm a deputy and we'll pinch them for jaywalking. " 1 thought that was a little too ob\ious wa\ of settling HoifSi'f)(irty Nifwhi'r things, but tilt pilot didn't seem to niiiul. It was quite hard to keep the line over ESE. She had swung the dis- gusted Yo/taulii in wide arcs over the map before she eaught on to the trick. It took all her attention. "Three hearts." Peg opened, and when that hand \\ a^ done we had set her. A couple of rounds were finisheil by the time we lost sight ot tile Chicago sky-line, and, during the deal, Swede and I excused ourselves and went below. "(lenuijie Hourbon," he announced pr()uour house, so that you are in somewhat of a dilcmnia (Mr. Editor, is that spelling right? . . . Oh, \ou don't know yourself! Well, let it go.) Anyway, the best way to get rid of a dilemnia is to take lots of aspirin and go to bed. Now that \ou know when and what kind of a party you are going to toss, what you should do is call up the girls you want to come to the thing. Here your choice will depend upon what kind of a party it is going to be . . . After this is done, an order should be placed with Moe or Charlie or Leonard foi' refreshments. Also, an electrician should be asked to come over and wire the knobs of the radio so that an\onc trying to get Honolulu or Montreal during the course of the evening may be given a little re- minder to lay oft. After all that is setled, the next thing to do is prepare tor entertaining your guests. The AKLs the Betas, and the Chios find that the game of forfeits is an excellent ice- breaker, and it is recommended that this be placed first on the list. The traditional Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey game should follow .soon thereafter, and by the end of this contest, the crowd ought to be well warmed up. At this point the people present should be divided up into groups of fom' each, and a rousing tournament of Parcheesi or Mah Jong held, A brief recess ma\' now be called and le- freshments, liquid or solid- served. The intermission over, the party can begin to get dow n to serious business. Of course, this is just the place for that good old game that our forefathers used to play, Postoffice. By way of contrast, this may be followed by those jolly modern games, Sardines and Uncle Henry's Russian Sleigh. The party should wind up with a series of athletic games, such as ping-pong, spring football, and wrestling. When some of the brothers begin falling out of the windows owing to too man\ refreshments, the party is con- sidered as in the process of breaking up. The guests should then be sent home (optional) and the brothers to beddie- beddie. "Oh. I recognized you by your voice!" Honscparty N timber 11 FROM HERE to THERE AND BACK AGAIN .And iKiw we li;i\ (■ ik-\\> Ikiih Calitonua anciit llii' HaiTMiuiro ot last \ ear's campus dianiatics, it seems that jimiiiy Liiiieberg got under a piece ot colonnade that was earth-bound and now he is in the hospital. W'e wish him a sjieed) recn\ei\' and h)ts ot pretty nurses . . . I nknciwn h\ our more asaricious co-eds, tliere is the .mswer to tlieir prayers over at the New (lyni and his name is Hankner. He is afraid of girls and we would be willing to wager a pint of ,i.J th;it not one can get him . . . inci- dentally, girls, he's worth q\iarrelling about. Whitlo. of the economics department, is now holding forth at the DAE house as proctor. (As if they needed one of them ! ) The Thcta Delts ha\e painted their rooms and onlered more second hand furniture in an effort to keep up witli the Jones . . . tliey should ha\(' known the Zeta Psi's back wjien . . . sort of a moral lesson. And now that the Chi Taus have moved out, we would like to have the house as a wayside inn and establish an- other "Race of Ben" ... or was it the "Tribe of Ben" . . meam ng Ben lohnsor licpiids. The osculation marathon in progress on the Tri-Delt front porch is enlightening to anyone connected with a wa>s and means committee. A beautitid line . . . that in Balzac's book, named "Lis lllusi'iiis Pcnliic" and presenting the height of that which is ridiculous, to wit. "Stroking the dome of St. Paul's to propitiate tlie Dean" .... would th.it we had a St. Paul's. Each spring brings forth new lo\es and new ideas, dressed in this year's Easter clothes . . . but we still main- tain that there won't be so main' pins hung this year as in \ears past, mereh because the women ha\e been in the habit of keeping the things of late. Lois Montross, that creator of AikU Protheroe, is at work on stories for the Siit. Even. I'nst. (ii\en time and prosperity, she will write another "This Siiic of Piirddisc to the delight of her local Pi Phi sistern. (Ed. note: F. Scott Fit7,ger:ihl write "This Sitli of I'nriiitisi") The Theta Chis get angr\ when you move out of the house, the Theta Delts write home to daddy, and the Betas don't care . . . there's a moral there somewhere. Oh. where is the Universit\' of Illinois scandal that would "rock the state"? We ha\e looked all o\er the cam- pus for it, but with no success whatever. A dash man is fast compaiu', but a cross country man will go farther. Kiki Condor of the Zoolog\ department claims that if the k.ippa l)eltas llunkcd tlieii e\ams it's their own fault tor wearing pajamas while being tutored. Mr. Secord while explaining poetic meter to his Eng- lish ,il class cited Hawthoine's Evitnt/i/inc as an example. Wasn't it cute of the Theta house mother to keep hei romance a secret from the girls for so Irmg? We woiuler if Mr. Tolo, the Noung history instructor, and Lyie Robertson, Tau Kappa Epsilon, had a permit to drive down the broad walk that memorable evening? What with being cut off from other contacts the Sigma Nus and Alpha Tau Omicrons are just one big happ\ family. The lone Sigma Nu in the summer school last yeai woke up one morning clad in full dress, with a glorified headache, a \ague remembrance of fraternal ritual and an Alpha Tau Omicron pin on his vest. That reminds me of Bill l>odge's (Andy Protheroe) theory that any man who had the money and the inclina- tion should be gi\en extra degrees of fraternal ritual. That is if the boys got together a little and they could throw in the Chi Psi hall of Mirrors, the Liberty, Equality, and tlie Justice of the Dekes, the boy-scout hand shake of the S. A. E.'s anil of coiir.se they could alwa\s fall back on the D. U.'s to fill in any cracks. Apropos to house iiarties — Wasn't it at the Phi Sigma Kappa house that a \isiting father found hair pins in his .son's bunk in the dorm? Just sa\- "Hildegarde" to AI Schicht, Teke. and sec what happens. It must be those bedroom eyes, A\. Ralph Fadum is our candidate for the Absent Minded Student degree. He left cards with his exams but forgot to write down the course. His grades came in gradually, but he couldn't tell which was what. The moral however is that he made a fi\c point in Ijigineering and so it didn't matter. Muted Melody iPearest one, there are so man> dreams That go astrav, so manv a tuneful thing That we would do — it almost seems The gods would ne\ er let us try to sing . . . But while there moves a single breath Of song at night, or movement through a tree We shall not witness the death Of dreams; they are but muted melody . . . The SIREN CAMPUS CI YORK BISHOP, who is chairman and chief grafter of the dance su- pervision committee. Member of Sachem, Commerce Informal com- mittee. Band of X. and was a jun- ior business manager on The Illio. Known throughout the middle-west as the great lover. Just another Phi Gam. dr ERNE CHUCK FREDERICK, who is one of the biggest of the Big Shots from not so many years back. Having turned from editing to deaning he has again proved himself both pop- ular and a success — a difficult thing in his position, which gives him great control over the campus dances. DAN DURAND, chairman of the Military ball by virtue of his posi- tion as student Colonel of the Uni- • versity Brigade. Member of the Cavalry Officers' club. Military and Student Councils, and of Mask and Bauble. Wears the badge of Chi Psi lawdge. I I House putty Xiimhci- 1,? RACATURES by ?EED MILLARD McGUFFIN. who was chairman of the Junior Prom, a member of the Sophomore Cotil- hon and Pan-Hellenic committees, wears the keys of Beta Gamma Sigma. Alpha Kappa Psi. Phi Eta Sigma, and wears the badge of good or TUO. NORRIS THOMPSON, who is chairman of the Senior ball, and was on the Junior Prom and Soph- " omore Cotillion committees, as well as being chairman of Union week and a member of Tu-Mas. Skull and Crescent, and dear old Phi Gamma Delta. Just an old prom-trotter. KENNETH COUGILL. who was chairman of the Fine Arts ball, and is a member of Scarab and ULAS. He is the President of the Fine Arts Council. 14 The SIREN SHELLEY OF THE BONE YARD By Joyce N e w b i I I W1'"'RE pretty matter of fact, we lllijii are, ami we're not much given to sympathizing with these here difficult people. It's a case of being tiie survival of the fittest in a melting pot in- stitution sucli as a state university like this. You've either got to fit, or get out! All of which no doubt sounds like P. 65 out of your Social Maladjustiiicnts text, but is just a roundabout way of introducing our misfit hero — a strange youth, who, because of his odd sort of literary maneuvers and tragic disappearance, was mutually dubbed Mad ShcUcy by all us guys who never had any use for him, an\how. He came to Illinois about four years ago, at most, dur- ing what is referred to as the Age of Prosperity, since the co-eds ha\e been bemoaning his loss ever since, and mourn- fulh' date their letters A. C, which an\one knows, in the language of Wall Street or the Chicago Board of Trade, means "After the Crash." He was a distinct prototype. The kind of student who could make a perfect score on the A-proof Psych. 1 tests, and would consequently flunk out half the class, since they graded on the hated old curve. Were we crazy about him, y'say? Well, if so, we never exactly fell over each other's necks putting ourselves out for him, you luiderstand, on account of his being so darn brainy, and we all having come to college to get Kulture, and not to hamper ourselves by the thought of grades. Hut Gamma Delta, one of the better fraternities on campus seemed to divine something or other from his strange past and to deem it worth a pledge button. We all congratulated him as a matter of ethics one Greek reserves for another, and felt consequent pangs of remorse at not tipping off the unintelligent order which so obviously was the goat. We couldn't help feeling that somebody should have wised them to his goings-on, and at the same time wondered how they could be such dumb-heads. It turned out afterwards, much to our amazement, that the boys knew just what they were doing at the time they did it! Which only served to make things more inexplicable to us, of course. However, knowing what we know of fraternity life, we were skeptical from the first on the grounds that we could not for the life of us imagine what he'd ever contribute to any Sesshns, which are truly the very essence of life a la collcgienne. With still greater contempt, we tried vainly to picture him slamming another on the back and shouting, "Tom, you old sonuvaguii, just ichn was the frail you drag- ged to Bradley Saturday night?" It was equally impossible "Nothing eventful came his way until he chanced on Betty . . ." to conceive of his ha\ing much to do with co-eds, and as for fitting in with a dance and then-to-Prehn's date sched- ule, it was a positive riot just to think about it! After the football season got well under way, first thing we know this gu\' decides all of a sudden to get a House Jyarty N unihcr 15 job on the cilitorial staff ot the collcgt- newspaper and sliow those self-st\Ie(l litcniti what journalism reall\- was. And it wasn't so ver\ lonj; betoie we heard that he was gettinj; the breaks, all riiiht, in tietting i;ood interviews and thiny;s like that. The thin;: that took the eanipus b\ stoini. tlioiiiih. was an article ot iiis we read one day that knocked us all cock- e\ed we were so mail! In it were exposed the grim .secrets of "Pete" Adams' notorious record as campus cop in de.d- in^ with a xariej^ated assortment of campus crimes and minin- offenses. The vulfjar and unblinkinf; eyes of the pub- lic t;a/ed in horror at the printed word, as did also the austere and eminent critics of the illustrious department of Engli.sh. The information was to say the least . . . astoundin;:. Such alarnu'ng revelations, if made other than at our own (luainth conservative University, would ha\e been pla\ed up in big heads on the dirty yellow sheets. But the Daily mini, shunning notoriet) like the pro\erbial shrinking violet, presented a rueful face when it realized the odiously sinful affront made upon its sacred journalistic principles. The main scenes of the crimes, Mr. Adams staunclily a\owed, consisted in the forestry, specified portions of the South campus forbidden after 6 P. M., the fifth floor of University Hall which was seldom used, and the back-stage area of Morrow Hall. These traditional trysting places of three generations of lllini had been defamed in their exposal as settings conducive to shocking and lewd affairs. Was it an\ wonder, I ask, that bald-headed professors wrinkled their domes o\er it, that old ladies of the chem- istr\ department, affiliated with a different school of eti- quette, looked askance and adjusted their glasses more close- 1\- o\er it, and finalh' that the yoiniger generation winked at each other and tossed it off as being a lot of danm- foolishness ! It wasn't long before people, no doubt inspired by the insinuations already made, began to breeze it about that the bones of one Mr. Wallace Reigh, A. M., missing since the ila\ he was scheduled to take his doctorate exams, lay molding under the ea\es in Adelphic room at the tip-top of University Hall. People e\en climbed the six flights ot stairs to sec for themselves, but it was so gloonu' and the dreary cooing of the pigeons sufficed to affirm their doubts, so they left, believing anything anyone cared to hang on the place. ,-\ll of which didn't help the University any, I don't suppose. The article, which at hrst was discounted as being mere ribaldry, .soon was hailed by at least half of the bards of the English department as a specimen of a strange and uiuque sort of genius, but nevertheless . . . genius unnus- t.ikable! Tile bold and overbearing pen of the yoinig wiiter had produced a work which, in its tendencies to deviate from the normal and usual trend in journalism, it was thought might even pave the vvav to a \kw schofd of literary stvle and philosophic thought. As I previously admitted with reluctance, all of us in fraternities were duds . . . anyhow, I gue.ss we were, be- cause we somehow just couldn't get a huge aesthetic thrill out of this bozo's yarns, which continued daily to llee justice under the uncertain title of interviews. He used to get by- lines on every little thing he wrote, and we used to com- ment facetiously that his publicity was due to the fact that the others on the staff insisted upon his labeling his work, lest they should be insulted by .somebody thinking lluy wrote it. I5ut whether for the staff's protection or his own betterment, the awful writings increa.sed in numbei' ,uid ui intensity. The chap had an astovuiding faculty for mining the sh.uK details of one's life, and launching them forth loi evervone to gasp at. He nuisr have derived a heiulish sort of satisfaction from doing things that vvav, or else I don't think he would have gone to the trouble of interviewing in her suite in one of our newer hotels, an internatioiiallv famous prima donna who was a guest artist of the campus, and unearthed one of the secrets that famous ladv held nearest her heart. ^Vithout anv conscience whatever, he ruthlessly attacked whatever he fancied. It was positively uncanny how much immorality that youth could discover in tliose about him. He'd merely look a girl in the face, sa\- .something to her in a low voice, and she'd start back from him, inquiry in her eyes. It got to be prettv' serious . . . the things he could do to people. And there were those who alwavs like to start trouble for somebody, who claimed he was com- pletelv oft' his nut. Which was to be expected, of course, and would be said about anyone unusual. He, however, would say .something to his professors, and they just wouldn't talk back, but let matters go as final. And I don't suppose you'd find another like that in a century of holidays — not on this campus of unintellectuals! This guy Shelley even looked the part, with his fine deli- cate features, his white, transparent face, his wavy blonde hair, and eyes that seemed sunken in his head . . . eyes that held a characteristic hunted look which made us in- stinctively steer clear of him. Most of the time he walked around sort of absent-minded like, as if he were modeling a coma. The women went wild about him. It w,is a thing which tended to nauseate us, and was completelv beyond our comprehension, but we might have known all along it would be that way! It sure was a crazv enough situation, and we guvs used to sit around and idan by the hour how we would give him hii. Hut it was just his luck that antici- patetl opportunitv never arrived! Wherever he was, v(l PITSENBARGER & FLYNN ■ Clccniiuil Pressinii Repairing (i;7 K. (iKKKN (JdS GOODWIN Chanipaiun I rliana Deep Sea Stories S-ea h'yinl>lis liiishul mi the ii.'i/i,l sivt'pt nnks, i-ntrip:iiinj^ ihf siulors lliat ptts.itd thai ard at midnight. Other and more detailed versions had it that he furthermore had been positively identified as walking upon the banks of ( ('.'jntiniifd on Fiujc 24) Houseparty Niinihcr 21 I C.'inlinuid fr't/ii I'ni/c 7) Mk-ntly tor :ihout five niiiuites ; nobody said a word. '1 lu'ii the music stopped, and she turned to face all ot us. "What is the niahter with you-all ? Ah want so nuich to make whoopee. Come, join Esther in a drink. \Vli\ did \ou give just giiisierale awhde back ?" She looked at Swede. He just stared. The orchestra started anotlier li\cl\ numbei, tlie tension snapped, and the party we had planned was on. "Little cousin, come hither." Swede drew her aside; the rest of us listened. "\Vhere were you taking us?" "Saugatuck." "Saugatuck? \Vliy there?" "For three reasons, mah big strong cousin. First, I'.sther wants to go there. Ali'ni supposed to meet Ralph H.-uuelson there." "Not the commodore's son?" Swede gasped. "Why not? Just because you belong to the Chicago Yacht club is no rea.son why we poor Southerners shovddn't rate, is it? Well, you see. Ah took the liberty of phonin' Mrs. Kingston to see if it was all right to have another guest over the week-end, and she said they were going to be in Saugatuck tonight. And besides, big boy," she winked at me, "Ah know the swellest speakeasy up that-a-ways." I lit that cigarette I'd wanted all afternoon. WHAT A MAN/ WHATA MAN// AT THE PROM -^ HE KEPT'EM '^' ALL BREATH LESS/ Was My Face Red!!! Theta Delt: And there was the house mother; turrung the lights down low ! (^lamma Phi: And when he slapped me on the hack, I al- most swallowed my new bridge! Delt: Oh bo)', and were tliose stairs e\er wiiibh- \V(ibb]\' ! Fri Delt: Aw, the stain will ne\er show ! H Sigma Psi : And she said we'd just go down and pl:i\ a little ping-pong! Delta (lam: And lie .isked me ii|i to see ilis .M.iwanda plaque ! Phi Delt: I'd forgotten to take Harriet's picture off nu dre.sser, and was my evening ever spoiled ! Chi O: Now how was I to know he was the cii.i|i(rone ! Chi Psi : And then we ran out of ice ! A. D. Pi: Oh were we in your room! Deke: Onlv a dollar and a half a case; and deli\ered too! T. P. A.: And we were only matching pennies! Alpha Sig: What! No dark corners! Z. T. A.: Oh well, it's getting to be a habit witii me! Delta Sig: And Fve got to bring her to dinner today! Independent: We were necking — ad lib! The Siren wishes to apologize to Mr. H. D. Herr for the article which appeared in the March i.ssue. Tennis Goods Rackets $2.00 to $IS.00 Llnstruiif* Frames $3,50 to $S.()0 Restrinjiins* $2.00 to $7.00 Quick Service Balls 25c, 30c, 3 for $1.00 Oxfords $1.35 up Also Superior (iolj Goods THE CO-OP 99 The SIREN THE SIREN'S CINEMAGRAPH Rial to If you wiTc jdbk'ss — huMgr\' — tired — and liad no liomc to go to, what would you do? Would you be a pick-up? "Pick-up," coming to the Rialto on April 2i concerns itself witii the story of a girl, pla\e is available. Taken from the anonymous novel of that name, "(jabriel Over the White House," this picture is permeated with the tense authentic melodrama of actual headlines in toda\ s news. It is a daring expose of Washington, includ- ing the story of a L iiited States President who steps out and does something about current problems. Walter Huston plays the part of the President, and is abl\' supported by Karen Morle\', Franchot Tone and Arthur Hyron. It plays at the Virginia April 27-29, The long awaited "Rasputui," containing all the royal Harryniore family, appears from April M) to May ,^, The story tells of the stronge monk, Rasputin, who by curing the little Russian Czarevitch of a deadly ailment, makes the superstitious Czar and Czarina his slaves, rules Russia through them, percipitates a riot of orgy, meddles with poli- tics, and finally plunges Russia into the World War. Then after his death, comes the revolution that sealed the doom of the Romanoff dynasty. It contains John, Ethel, and Lionel in the cast, as well as the sensational new actress Diana Wyndward. "Maedchen in Uniform," the sensational German play appears at the Virginia on May 4, 3, and 6. It takes us behind the cloistered walls of a finishing school for girls, all of them from the same social stratum — daughters of Prussian army officers. The strict and pitiless discipline, without an\ regard for emotional conflicts, leads to an un- avoidable catastrophe. It is significant that this entire film should have been produced by women. Walter Winchell claims that this is one of the finest films he has ever seen. Although the dialogue is in German, the entire film is sub- titled in English, Hoiiscparty N iimhcr 23 Park April 1_'. "l.Uh Guest"; April 13-14. "Central I'ark"; April 1^, "A Man's Land"; April 16, "No Man ot Her Own"; April 17-18, "The Most Dangerous Cianie" ; April 10, "Little Orphan Annie"; April 20-21, "Frisco Jennie"; April 22. "McKenna ot the Mounted'; April 23, "The Past of ^L^ry Holmes"; April 24-25, "No Other Wom- an"; April 26. "Officer 13"; April 27-28. "Farewell to Arms"; April 29, "Hidden Cjold" ; April 30, "Lmployes' l!ntrance." May 1-2, "Air ^L^i^'; May 3, "Wild Horse Mesa"; -Ma\ 4-^, "20,000 Years in Sing Sing"; ALay 6 "Fighting Champ"; .\Lay 7, "Tonight is C^urs" ; May 8-9, "Island of Lost Souls"; May Id, "They Call It Sin"; Ma\ 11-12, "Hello, E\er\boii\." HOLD ON TIGHT Crowded trolley car. (\oinig lady is \ainl\' groping for her purse to pay her fare.) Young man: "Pardon me, miss, but may I not pay your fare?" Young Lady: "Sir!" ( Several seconds of groping. ) \ oung Man: "I beg your pardon again, young lady, but won't you let me pay your fare? " ^ oung Lady: "Why, I don't even know you, and any- wa\, I'll have this purse opened in a minute. " (Continued groping.) Young Man: "I really must insist on paying \our fare. \ ou've unbuttoned my suspenders three times!" — Btanpnt. "Darluig. I loN'e .\ou !" "And I you. dearest!" "Will \ou alwa>s lo\e me?" "Ever!" (and so on for about ten minutes.) "But I must be going now." "Haven't you forgotten something "I don't believe so. What?" "\ou didn't leave me an\ ice!" — Purple Ptinnl. Curious: "Have vou been in an accident? " Battered One: "No. I complimented my wife ami slipped." Curious: "Slipped?" Battered : "Yeh. Said I never saw anyone look as nice in underwear as she did." — Oul. (doming to the RialtO Sunday, April 23 for four days Vina Delmar's Tempes- tuous, Hot ■ Blooded Romance . . . With the Screen's Greatest Team! ICKUP .JYIVIA SIDNEY GEORGE RAFT ^.VINADELMAR Author of BAOCIRl' S^ncudb, MARION CERINO G Qaramounl picture -SOON MAURICE CHEVALIER A Bedtime Storv" G.R.GRUBB6CO. CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS. 24 The SIREN Song Without Words the same illustrious river, composing and reciting poetry verbally by the yard. This so piqued the natural curiosity of the co-eds that they began sneaking out of sorority houses, residence halls and rooming houses alike, and thence down to the Bone- yard to see things for themselves. This midnight exodus from the women's houses soon got to be such a social menace that the well-meaning towns- people unwittingly complained to the offiice of the dean of women about the disturbance of their well-earned slumbers. Chaperones were consequently notified to tell the girls not to make so much noise thereafter. Having dismissed the affair as ended, the University didn't give the matter another thought, but so far as Pete, the Campus Cop, was concerned, things were just getting ready to happen. Taking upon himself the severe task of enforcing University ethics in such matters, one night Pete rounded \ip a bunch of the co-eds in the act of touring the Boneyard for a glimpse of their dream-idol. The whole campus by this time was in hysterics about the new trend in the whole absurd affair. It seems that one of the residence hall chaperones had rung the fire alarm bell, and of the two hundred and fifty-three inmates, only three girls, who happened to be Junior fibetes, were on deck. Pete — mad because Shelley published what lie told him on the q. t. — steered the howling, seething mob of women homeward, but he couldn't keep 'em quiet! Then he set out to locate Shelley, but that gentleman was fortunately for himself not at his fraternity house nor any place where the University could pounce on him with venom. I must say Shelley showed a remarkable discretion, seeing as how he was handicapped by an ultra-artistic tem- perament, by pulling his phenomenal disappearing act. If he had bothered to return to the University, he would have been dismissed on the charge of "keeping a University woman out after hours." At that rate, it was commonly observed, he was without question five hundred and sixty-one times dishonorably dropped from membership in our great educational institution. Anyhow, much as it hurts, I'll have to say something in this bard's favor, since he did show infallibly good judgment in ne\ermore showing his face on our fair campus. We guys are all pretty much relieved to have this dude safely out of the way, of course, and we've gradually gotten our women well reconciled again to the idea of thinking we're woiulerfid, instead of wafting their attentions on that tow-headed degenerate with the quivering, too-sensi- tive mouth and the pale, anemic face. My God ! We used to get the heebie-jeebies just looking at him! But there's one thing we just can't get around. And that's how these women — though lord knows how they can — believe right at this moment that Shelley goes galavant- ing about the Boneyard at midnight making up poetry and shouting it at the moon. There's only one thing to do when they get started on a mood like that — just let 'em rave on, and try and think of something pleasant instead. It does gripe us more'n we'll admit, though, just to think that four-flusher will, wherever he is, get just about any woman he wants merely by wiggling his mouth around half-wistfully, by shooting them a darb of a moronic look, and by not combing his hair for a couple of weeks! The women somehow manage to get along in the opti- mism that some of these days he'll come back again to seo them. "But not if we see him first!" says us frat'ney guys. THE END WHA T 'S coming off here? Lots of Things — Best of which is The SIREN'S Swillio Number Coming off the press soon ONLY 15c A COPY HANLKVS un saw ai S.MILIK'S KATSINAS' TAVERN DANIEL STREET PHARMACY KA>IERER'S-ON-LINCOLN INSIAN HOTEL PREHN'S OX (JKKKN PREHVSON-OREGON lMVi:i{SIT\ IMIAKMACY SPALDING'S DRUG STORE I. C. STATION ri.(»l'l.i;s' i'llARMAt V CO-OP — :iii(l the Newsboys -fr :■!'>■ '■^i ':.> <-VC^ -"- ''•-> tmi '^il-i' ^J-:/4' [.; >\ y: ,;-/• tM0^M m •■>►-> ■ .' '■ 'v -^^>f">^';-. O- ■j^-^'i^^ST' .■i a; iV r/!l EEC3^S "^Sff'Sf*'' 1 IIVSURIIVO FIXE TOBACCO FOR Not many smokers have- seen a fine tobacco plant in full bloom, so we show you this picture. These fine types of plants are permitted to flower and to produce seed — to reproduce the Cream of the Crop — enabling Luckies to maintain the same fine, uni- form quality that smokers everywhere appreciate — so round and firm and fully packed — free from loose ends. Always t/ic/incst tobaccos Always t/icjincsl n-orlimans/iip AlmAYS Luc/ucs please / "it's toasted ' for throat PROTF.rTioN— for retier taste I I \ Autumn Number Croon of the Copyreader Reporters and editors all agree I'm a most unholy terror. If an error appears, I get the jeers, For my realm is the realm of error. Theirs is the praise, but mine is the haze, And it truly isn't fair. But I don't mind shame, I don't mind blame. And here's why I don't care : I can leave in the lurch the ways of the church And merrily guzzle beer ; I can lie and curse and do e\en worse, Yet never need to fear. For in heaven's heart is my place apart. Boon not to be denied me, 'Cause the Lord is good, and his head's not wood, And he knows he's sorely tried me. So despite my sinning and base beginning. And mitigation's dearth, I'm not afraid of getting hell — For I got mv hell on earth. — £. G. N. (Copvreader's Note: Ain't it the truth?) Three Sweetest Words "I love you. " "Let me help." "Dinner is ready." "Vacation with pay." "Keep the change." "Have a drink." "All is forgiven." "Going back home." "Enclosed find check." ho. (or a title to this picture Life Sarers, Inc.. will pay »10 for the mosl humorous title to this picture. »5 second prize. And for the neit 25 most humorous titles. 25 prizes of a box of Life Savers will be given. In the event of a tie, duplicate prizes will be awarded. Write your title on the Inside of the Life Savers wrapper or on a hand drawn fac- simile and mall to Contest Dept., Life Savers, Inc. . Port Chester. N. Y. This contest Is open to collefie students everywhere. Entries must be postmarked on or before January 1. 1934. ■OLE. " — I work over an hour for every meal . . ." "Well, it took Leonardo Da Vinci four years to make his Last Supper. YOWSUH! yOWSUH! PREHN 'S For M e a s AND PHREN 'S For D r i n ks On Green • On Oregon • On Daniel The SIREN For your entertainment On the Scree n RIALTO Nov. 12 thru 15. Cradle Song, starring Dorothea Wieck of Maedclien in Uni- form fame. Nov. 16, 17, and 18. Golden Harvisl, with Richard Arlen, Chester Morris, and Genevieve Tobin. Nov. 19 thru 22. Take a Chance, another big musical, with James Dunn, June Knight, Lillian Roth, Cliff Edwards, Buddy Rogers, Lillian Bond, Dorothy Lee, Lona Andre, and many others. Nov. 26 thru Dec. 2. FootUght Parade. A backstage musical with James Cag- ney, Joan Blondell, Ruby Keeler. Dick Powell, and Guy Kibbee. R. K. O. VIRGINIA Nov. 9, 10, and 11. Saturday's Millions, a football picture featuring Johnny Mack Brown, Robert Young, and Leila Hyams. Nov. 12, 13, 14, and 15. Ann I'ickers, Sin- clair Lewis' dramatic novel of an unconventional heroine, screened with Irene Dunne and Walter Huston co- starred. Nov. 16, 17, and 18. Chance at Heaven, with Joel McCrae, Marion Nixon, and Ginger Rogers. On the stage, Gertrude Avery's Diamond Revue, with forty people. Nov. 19 thru 22. Jack Pearl and Schnoz- zle Durante in Meet the Baron. Nov. 23, 24 and 25. The Chief a musical starring Ed Wynn. Nov. 26 thru 29. Walter Winchell's Broadivay Thru a Keyhole with Russ Col umbo. Nov. 30 thru Dec. 2. .'Ifter Tonight, with Constance Bennett. R. K. O. ORPHEUM Nov. 10 and 11. Richard Dix in The Day of Reckoning. Nov. 12 and 13. This Nude IVorld. Features in This Issue Coke n Smoke 4 Soup to Nuts 6 I Cover the Waterfront, Too 8 Zup 10 Thrust 'n Parry 13 The Saga of Mortimer Botts 14 I Want to Go Home 17 Spotlight on the Screen 18 Spotlight on the Stage 19 Cover by Betty Murdoch FREE! Theatre Passes Find 8 Misspelled Words in Advertising of This Issue. First five persons turning in complete lists at Siren office will be given one complimentary ticket each. CALL BETWEEN 4 and 5 P. M. Writers . . . . . . Artists The Siren is in the market for free-lance contributions — hu- morous fiction, verse, comedy sketches, jokes, cartoons, car- toon ideas, and constructive suggestions. Office in basement of Union BIdg. Manuscripts can- not be returned unless sufficient postage is enclosed. Staff Positions Open to Workers See editor at office, open daily, except Saturday and Sun- day, at 3 P. M. The Stage Offers Nov. 3, 4, 10, and 11. Good Morning Dearie, a musical comedy by Anne Caldwell and Jerome Kern. Pro- duced by Pierrots. Directed by Rob- ert Henderson. Lincoln Hall Theatre. Snappy songs, snappy girls, snappy costumes, snappy settings — all in all, it should be a great show. Don't miss it. Nov. 17, 18, and 25. TIte Yellovj Jacket, a three-act drama in the Chinese man- ner, by Bcnrimo and Hazelton. Pre- sented by Mask and Bauble. Directed by Wesley Swanson. Lincoln Hall Theatre. 8:15 P. M. Something different. A story that ivill provide you ivith an interesting evening. The Chinese drama is not dull. Dec. 15 and 16. Pagliacci, an opera by Leoncavallo, and The Impressario, by Mozart. Produced by Arepo. Direc- ted by Kathryn Janie Sutherlin. Tivo masterpieces of musical drama on one program. Sports Football Nov. 11. Northwestern, at Evanston. Let's celebrate the Armistice by taking the trip with the team. This is one game we MUST - Tw-yman, Gwendolyn Davis, Louise Malone, Lois C. White. Dorothy Blum. \"irginia Plummet. Margaret Ann Curtis. Ernest Denton. Dorothy Malone. Billie Greif, June Carpenter, Mary Frances Brandt. V. G. Musselman, Howard Dixon, Mary Jane Lotts. Published bi monthly during the college year by the Illini Pub- lishing Company. L'niversity of Illinois. Entered as second-class matter at the Post Office at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress. March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Address all communications, Illinois Union Building. Champaign. Illinois. Subscription price "5 cents the year. Copyright 1933. The Siren. ' i- '-.'•V-^'C -w ..-": ;?ry.,v;y^i;v;;;;;;:^.v; <.'■ ^^vv;vyVr;'^-:.-:^-i■ ' .-^.■v' ;> V ■ ,\:/''-:r^'c-' ■'■•'.^^l^fl^ :i'-^-^^^^'' --'■■''' <'^;-i^-t :--.-.!.,"•.'. >-S^ r>A ^-S .;,^v v-^. .V^ .. 'W:-M^^<>^i^. iliWiiiaiiii The SIREN By LENORE SCHARSGHUG NOTHING EVER changes around here; but people come and go, and things do happen. The freshmen of this class will do the same dumb things that those of last year indulged in, only in a more up-to-date fashion, and the sophomores of this year will try out their new dignity in the same old prestige manner. Ye ed will get his biggest bundles of dirt over the booths in Hanley's, Kamerer's, and Prehn's, (free advertising because the mar- ket on cokes has dropped fifty per cent). And yet perchance I'm wrong; some things are differ- ent. This year the campus goes mad over bicycles, and not only students. Professor Ronalds of the history department cruises up and down fourth street having just the best of fun, but he always stays within the range of the Phi Sigh hut — just in case of an accident, so the brothers can pick up the pieces. This year will really go down in the history of Illini. Of course you all heard the cheering and yelling at the Homecoming game. Was it because we beat the Badgers? It was not. For the first time in years the canine tribe took no active part in the action on the field. How strange not to see the usual brown and white cur go galloping after the hero of the day. Perhaps the absence of Gil Berry accounts for the lack of excitement ; the dogs certainly went for him. THE ALPHA PHIS think Jimmy Lake is a pansy. He went with one of their girls two years and nothing hap- pened. Ask Helen Ruth Bosley ; she told us about it. And speaking about the effiminate sex — Elliott Cassidy, a demure Phi Psi, Luxes his underwear every night. We meant to ask his dates if the "shorts" are initialed, but our modesty forbade. It really seems that the broadwalk has become the Old Ox Road of our Alma Mater. Not that people are parking on it, but the speed limit is the same. Two Alpha Gamma Rhos went driving down the walk the other night after their pledge dance, and the only thing that saved them from the wrath of the campus cop was an out-ofstate license and farmer masquerade costumes. Everyone can understand the out-of-state license, but — An Alpha Chi Rho alum indulged in the same sport, but his alibi was "believe it or not, I'm looking for a barber shop." He must have been to a house meeting and things got in his hair. Autumn Number and EVELYN A. STERN COY REMARK number nine-thousaiul, forty-two heard at the game. Wisconsin is on the one yard line and the "Block I" is straining its lungs yells "hold that line" when a classy co-ed speaks up: "We have fourteen points, haven't we?" Her date as- sured her that we did. "And they haven't any points, have they?" "No, thank God ; watch the game, darling." "Well, then, I'm sorry I ever came here to school. You're all a bunch of nasty hogs." And the reason they aren't speaking is because he informed her that some sororities were noted for pledging "things" like that. Talk about Illinois loyalty. A Kappa Sig pledge walked out of his house during Homecoming and immediately hit the dust with a nice bottle, with a not-so-nice label, buried in his golden locks. The frateri came tearing down stairs, but the cop on the corner got there first. "Who did it? Who did it?" He shook the boy awake. "Dean Turner," yodeled the youth in his best method- to-Garcia manner, "the Sig Alphs are drunk again." Famous Sayings of Famous Politicians: George Le Calf — "We're vulgar with power." Ray Kubec — "Everyone is with us." Hank Joseph — "I'll go down with my party." Steve Shumaker — "This will not be a railroaded elec- tion." Chris Shoebuckles — "Nine votes for us." Aubrey Cookman — "Everybody has said everything." And of course Frink is psychic. Otherwise how could he have made his acceptance in one-half minute after his name was mentioned? It's a wonderful age we live in. Perhaps I'm wrong or out of date, but what happened to the Mawanda board of last year? Either the painter slip- ped when he wrote the names, or someone else slipped when the names were handed out. What's the vacant space for? Has everyone heard about Major Conard? Well every- one has heard about South Campus — you nasty man. It seems the Major and his wife were watching the Cavalry Officer's Club informal initiation. Well, after all, how were the cops to know? Special! Special! Lyle Hoffman had a date last night — so what ! LP The SIREN FRESHMftKl ^^}HO ATE. ''ORAPE- MUTS' Autumn Number The SIREN Cover the waterfront, too By J. BENJAMIN LIEBERMAN I COME here so regularly that the clock on Old Main automatically sounds four when I push my inquiring pad and pencil into the quiet of the Boneyard. I have been told that it also strikes four on Sunday afternoon, the one day I don't have to cover my beat for the Illini, but that I refuse to believe. Being a fixture on the Banks of the Boneyard, I like to think that I am the cause rather than the coincidence. Any time we have a big rain, it is my job to go down Wright street and see if the Boneyard has overflowed its banks. Wright street is the gauge, and if my riverlet has not overflowed there, no matter if its backwater is in all the basements in town, I always say that the Boneyard did not overflow. That is because I am a stickler for ethics. Once I saw some figures kept by the University weather bureau which proved that Champaign-Urbana is the third driest community in the state, and ever since then I've been wary of encouraging students in their silly notion that this is the rainiest place on earth, even though it is, figures and ethics notwithstanding. Once the Boneyard did overflow its banks, and I got a little story at the bottom of page one for my efforts. I also got a bad cold because there was water all over the side- walks and my feet got wet, but that doesn't count. ON THE few days during the year when it doesn't rain, I have to depend on the color of the water for my regular story. Sometimes, people dump things into my Boneyard, and then it's my business to find out who did it and what he dumped. Once the water turned almost milk white, and because the secret was too big for me to keep, I hurried back to the office to get a sports writer to look at it with me. When we came back, it was a deep red, almost purple. I thought of the beauties of na- ture, and he thought of what I told him about the water being white, but while we were contemplating it, it turned green. So we went to an occulist and had it all explained to us that way. I have no set procedure for covering by beat, but unless I'm hunting some special story, I usually lie on my side by the grassy dyke north of the old President's home and watch the water flow under the picturesque rustic bridge that crosses there. Sometimes, if the sky above is particularly blue or the shade from the trees particularly cooling, I for- get about the stream altogether and look upwards, thinking. And though I think of nearly everything while I lie there, I somehow never get around to the subject of women. Only once has a woman come into my routine. I met her in a class and saw her again as shie chanced into the office, where I sat in my dark corner tapping away at my type- writer about my riverlet's three inch rise in water level. She asked me what I was on the paper, and wouldn't believe me when I told her. To make it convincing, I took her along that day to show her. When I got to the dyke, I sprawled down on the ground as usual, watching two in- sects have it out on a leaf floating down the stream. But, somehow, though all was quiet and pastoral, she developed a sudden headache and had to leave. SOMETIMES people ask me just what good my Boneyard is, and I always hasten to point out its tra- ditional value. I tell them that long years ago, the original Tribe of Illini swam in it, and caught fish in it. and went canoeing in it. And I tell them that only a few years ago, while it was still a big stream, the student body made it the nucleus of the Illini Trail to town, following its course through the wilds to Main Street. But I always forget to mention that it is a good thing to duck freshmen in. And because there is something aesthetic about my job, I never say that if it weren't for my Boneyard, all of the basements in town would be flooded. But here I am, the waterfront reporter. I am more permanent than my beat, even, for the Boneyard is always moving, though toward where I don't know. Probably I'll be the Illini's waterfront reporter until I leave, but I never worry about that. Why should I worry about what is going to happen to me if I never took the trouble to find out where the Boneyard goes after it leaves carnpus? Autumn Niimhcr Amaze-on A frcshniaii tioni the Amazon Put the nighties of his Gramazon ; The reason's that He was too fat To get his own Pajaniazon. S "Where iloes this inviting, shady lane lead to?" asked the motorist. Without moving from his contented rest upon the fence, the farmer launched a jet of tobacco juice with deadly effect upon a grasshopper ten feet away, then scr.itched his stuh- bled chin thoughtfully. "Well, stranger," he drawled, "it's led moi'e'n halt the young folks around these parts into a right smart heap n' trouble. S \ nung lawyer: "^'our honor, I claim release of my client on the grounds of insanity; he is a stupid fool, an iiliot, and he is not responsible for any act that he may ha\e committed." Judge: "He doesn't appear stupid to me." Prisoner: "Your honor, just take a look at the lawyer I \e hired." Sc TH(VT •. H E p , H-iH ' She was a cold, dignified old lady. The usher approached her with a query: "Are you a friend of the groom?" "Xo, indeed," she replied. "I'm the bride's mother." S King Arthur: How iiiuch'll you take for this suit of armor. Lance? Lancelot: Three cents an ounce. Art. It's first class mail. S He: Too bad you must wear those dark glas.ses; \ou ha\e such pretty e\es, :ind pretty things should not be hidden. She: \ es, but if 1 carried that theor\ to the eiiil I would be arrested. Pkge tli^e^ sj>v-efA,/ i^4 z / SPEAKING of farm relief, wKat about the poor pigs? When they complain about an odor, boy, it's some odor! Less particular things than pigs sny at foul pipes. Yet so gentle a person as a lady loves to have pipe smoking in ner presence — that is, with the right 1^1 ml ok tobacco. For instance, no hving thing, pig or person, ever drew away from Sir Walter Raleigh's mild, fragrant mix- ture in a smooth, well-kept pipe. Those rare Kentucky Burleys sat- isfy the smoker, and delight nearby non-smokers. Try a tin ol Sir Walter Raleigh on your next store visit — the tin wrapped in gold foil. You'll see why particular men have adopted this fine tobacco "whole hog. " Brown & Willi.inison Tod,icco Corpor.ition Louisville, Kentucky, Dept W-3i2 crfau io TAKE CARE (/ JfOUir PIPE Send for this FREE BOOKLET It^S 15^— AND IT'S MILDER 10 The SIREN Zup (_'niirtes\ College Iltiiuor. By HARVEY HUDSON B(^B Zl PPKE — football coach, painter, philosopher, psychologist . . . born in Berlin, Germany, in 1879 . . . came to America in 1881 ... came to Illinois as head football coach in 1913 . . . wondered whether he was going backward when he left Oak Park High School to come to Illinois ... is seeing the fog of football depres- sion lift from Memorial stadium . . . for his part in produc- ing seven championship football teams in the Big Ten is recognized as one of the leading football coaches in the country ... is given credit for designing many of football's recognized strategems . . . does not follow any set system . . . says he takes a little from all of the "systems" and throws in a little of his own ... is outspoken for his prin- ciples and cares little who knows it. . . . Accuses "Pop " Warner, of Stanford and Temple, of copying his football plays and then copying his paintings . . . chief avocations: painting and golfing . . . studied art at one time at the Chicago Art Institute . . . receives credit (and in all probability, a check) for daily syndicated car- toon "Ned Carter at Brant" . . . famed as after-dinner speaker . . . speaks extemporaneously most of the time . . . with a crackling Deutsch accent . . . laughs at his own jokes . . . known as the "Dutch Master" . . . hard worker himself . . . works his teams hard . . . may be seen out-of- season in halls of New Gym crouching and pivoting . . . explaining his latest play . . . also attends basketball games and wrestling meets . . . with an eye out for football players . . . played basketball at Wisconsin where he received his Ph. B. . . . was "too small to play football" . . . developed teams famed as "Fightin' Illini ... is proud of the teams . . . proud of the monicker . . . tries each season to have a fighting team . . . insists spirit will win lots of games . . . Came to Illinois as a psychology instructor . . . has been practicing it ever since . . . smokes cigars or cigarettes . . . has been known to ask for one cigarette and take five . . . typical pose: on football field . . . swathed in corduroy coat . . . sleeves three inches too long . . . battered and dirty gray felt hat pulled down to ears . . . cheek bones accentuated by wide smile and "toper red" complexion . . . made Red Grange famous . . . owes some of his own fame to the "Galloping Ghost" . . . cynical at all times . . . profane when necessary. . . . That's Bob Zuppke who has made "Illinois" a feared word in the football world and for his success is recognized as one of the "Big Four" coaches of the United States. ' Do they make green Freshmen stomachs sore ! So when saps outside are sapping, I refuse to quit my napping. And I study, cram and happ'ng Just to answer — as before — To their, "Brief refreshment. Buddy? Come, your brains will soon get muddy — Wash it off or you'll go nuddy — " I groan and sputter: NEVERMORE! To The Latin Poet Lux tonsilitis momentum tomato, — Post-mortem Ohio insipid potato : — Ox cafeteria! Referendum diphtheria, Chipso! Nabsico! mentholatum legatto! Ridiculous pastor in jello non-valid. — Uncontious conundrum; pox tenement squalid- Inferior onion. Odiferous bunion ! Insomnia! Rinso! preposterous salad! ^^M^^s^^^d V// V / /X/ I x"- I \ \ ■- ^ A Short Drama (No Scenery Required) He: Who's our iceman? She: We don't have an iceman; we have a Frigidaire. He: How about the Fuller brush man? She: They don't have any out here. Are you pestered much by salesmen? I haven't seen any yet in this community. (Trembling) My God! Then I'm a father! Three Shots and a Curtain. He She He "If you kiss me I'll tell mother." "Why must you always brag about your accomplish- ments?" Autumn \ii>nber 17 I Want To Go Home Bv Ellex Rvniker "No. I don"t want to go down town." "No, I don't want anything to drink." "No, all I want to do is go home." "Yes. I want to go home. H-O-M-E. I'm sure you've heard of it. It's that place you inhabit in odd moments." "No. I haven't a headache, athlete's foot, or the pip. I merely want to go home. I should think even you could understand that." "Must I explain everything to you. Can't you under- stand that sometimes a girl gets tired of this eternal going out with men who are all alike, who don't appreciate a girl's finer instincts, if you know what I mean. But of course you don't. You think that because you take a girl to a dance and step on her feet all evening, she should go around with a happy smile for the rest of her life." "And, anyhow, if you wanted to go ^vith me, why did you spend all evening looking at the girl \\-ith the white sadn dress." "Anyone who would wear such a dress must be de- praved anyhow. I'm sorry I ever went u-ith you. It was a lousy dance anyhow." "No. the orchestra was all right. No. the floor was all right." "No. silly, there's nothing the matter. Of course not. Nothing at all. Except that here I go to this dance with you in a new dress and you don't even notice. Why, I could have come in rags and you'd still have spent the evening staring at that girl in white satin." "Now, don't get nasty. You would think of that. I might have known that." "Don't 'Why Jane' me. I'm tired of being 'Why Jane'ed.' No, you can't come in. I didn't think you'd want to come in, but if you do it doesn't make the slightest dif- ference to me, of course. Come in if you want to. Stay all night if you want to. I'm going up to bed right now. I hope you have a nice time with the house mother." "Don't be foolish. You don't have to pretend. You don't have to kiss me just as if nothing had happened." "WTiat has happened! As if you hadn't been planning this all evening, as if you hadn't wanted me to say these things." "No, you needn't try to explain. I understand. I won't stay in your way. Go ahead with that girl in white satin if you want to. I assure you it's nothing to me. Just go on and let her take my place. Of course I'm sure she's not — ^\vell, I won't even say whati think about her since you're interested in her. but anyway! Well, goodnight. Or should I say goodbye." "Please don't say these things. It would really hurt me more to have you lie to me than to have you tell me the truth. Please don't try to spare my feelings. I'm grown up. I can face things." "OH, Jimmy, you mean you really aren't interested in her. Why didn't you say so before. Darling, I'll never for- give you for making me so miserable. O-ooooo, Jimmy." "Sure, I'll be here tomorrow. Goodnight, dear." "It was a lovely dance, wasn't it." S Woman has always been a ticklish proposition for man since Adam first lost his rib. 18 The SIREN Spotlight on the screen By ALLAN KAZUNAS R. K. O. Virginia Rialto SATURDAY'S MILLIONS is Universal's timely story of the crowds that fill many college stadiums every Saturday during the football season. It introduces Lucille Lunt, the "All Ameri- can Girl." Andy Devine plays the hero. They are helped by Robert Young, Leila Hyams and Johnny Mack Brown. ANN VICKERS, by Sinclair Lewis, is the story which Irene Dunne and Walter Huston use to advantage in hold- ing their followers. This expose of prison life, and drama of a so- cial worker's courageous life, is creating comment wherever it is shown. The supporting cast includes Conrad Nagel, Bruce Cabot, and Edna May Oliver. MEET THE BARON— Munchausen, that crazy radio performer whose experiences have never been equalled by mortal man. Zasu Pitts is the love interest in this insane comedy. Schnozzle Durante plays the part of a profes- sor, and Edna May Oliver does her part to keep the piece from ever becoming sane. Ted Healy and his Stooges also contribute to this mad merger of mirth. BROADWAY THRU A KEYHOLE is Walter Win- chell's peeping-tom story of what goes on in back of the scenes in New York's great white way. Abe Lyman and his band furnish the musical background to Russ Columbo's crooning. Tex Guinan and her girls, Blossom Seeley, Constance Cummings, and Gregory Ratoff are only a small part of the cast. R. K. O. Orpheum S. O. S. ICEBERG is going to give you thrills and chills when Rod LaRocque comes to town riding on an iceberg, as a doctor in an Arctic expedition. The scenery reflects the cold white reality of snows and frozen bodies, but hearts burn with the hottest bitterness here. (Continued on Page 20) CRADLE SONG was introduced on the stage back in 1921, and became such a hit that its motion picture rights were bought immediately. But with the array of stars Holly- wood offers from which to choose, not one actress could be found for the leading role, that of a nun with a heart aching for motherhood. Then along came Maedchen in Uniform a year ago, and with it the discovery of Dorothea Wieck. She was chosen for Cradle Song. And with her will be the cream of America's beauties, chosen in the Chicago Tribune's world's fair beauty contest last spring. GOLDEN HARVEST gives the farmer's side of today's economic struggle. Richard Arlen and Chester Mor- ris are two sons of the soil who grow up to try to corner the wheat market by getting the farmers to stop planting. Genevieve Tobin and the stuttering Roscoe Ates are two other members of this story of farm strikes and the grain speculators. TAKE A CHANCE is the musical comedy on which you will be taking no chances. For it has Buddy Rogers, James Dunn, and Cliff Edwards to please the women. For men, June Knight, Lillian Roth, Lillian Bond, Dorothy Lee, and Lona Andre are excel- lent reasons. There is much white skin displayed to the eyes, and there are many musical hits to please the critical ear. FOOTLIGHT PARADE presents a glorious array of 300 girls in pictorial effects never filmed before. For exam- ple, its Water Baby Chorus is taken in a huge pool in which floats a unique pattern of glistening wet-skinned beauties. "By A Waterfall" is a sample of the songs in this great photographic novelty. Twenty individual performers alternate with the chorus scenes. James Cagney, as a filmland dance director, has Joan Blondell as his secretary and Ruby Keeler as the star tapper. Guy Kibbee admirably plays the part of Jimmy's partner. Some of the patterns of dancers which the camera portrays are best described as "Studies in (Continued on Page 20) Autumn Number 19 Spotlight on the stage By JACK TEDFORD OUT OF a jumbled mass of indifferent singing and dancing . . . which continued up until the very last night of dress rehearsals . . . Pierrots brought forth a show that is worth every minute and dollar that was and is being spent on it . . . and the royalty alone for Good Morning. Dearie ... by the way ... is one dollar for every minute of playing time. NAT COHEN ... in turn taking the parts of a detective, a low chink waiter, and an old man . . . the last two as disguises of his original self . . . carried off the honors of applause and after-theatre comment of a fair-sized opening night audience and a packed house Saturday . . . his slap-stick comedy and fine singing and dancing, along with that of Lowell Blanchard ... as Chesty, a crook . . . were well worth the admis- sion price. AND before we end by saying that you'll regret it if you don't take advantage of this week-end's last oppor- tunities to see Good ^lorning. Dearie . . . we want to mention two other persons who stood out from a fine array of student artists . . . one is Edith Buzy . . . she certainly put in a great part as Mme. Bompard, the French dress- maker . . . and then there is that subject of much campus gossip . . . Patsy Kron . . . who has played in Forty-Second Street and Golddiggers of 1933 . . . and as Flaemchen in the stage version of Grand Hotel . . . only a small part in the Pierrot show could be found to suit her talents . . . but she played it with zest . . . Pierrots owe a great deal to Sol Cohen ... he pieced together a fine orchestral accompani- ment . . . and made the mediocre songs sound good. A TRULY comprehensive repertoire . . . this one of the Theatre Guild for the '33-'34 season . . . a touch of tragedy added to the run of comedies . . . some expressionism to take us, for a while, out of the realm of realism . . . plenty of music thrown in . . . and, something different, an orien- tal panorama interrupting the occidental sequence. MASK AND BAUBLE had to have its Homecoming show . . . and there were only three weeks in which to pro- duce one ... it had to be such entertainment as would attract the mentally intoxicated alums as well as the pro- fessorial contingent of Guild followers ... so Gold in the Hills was the choice ... a good choice ... the banking holiday retarded its success upon its first showing last spring . . . too much other entertainment held back its financial success at Homecoming . . . but the show was good . . . real melodrama . . . most of last spring's ca'st went into a hur- ried huddle and came out with a splendid performance . . . many thanks due the patience of Wes Swanson . . . WALDO WALTZ was typically a villian . . . mustache especially . . . yeah, it stuck clear through the show . . . Dick Radl was fine — no, we can't go on like that . . . everybody, everything was great . . . and what audiences saw it thought so, too. MUSIC, music ever>-\vhere . . . Gold and Good Morn- ing, Dearie were full of it . . . music is an important part of the atmosphere in the Chinese Yelloiv Jacket, which Mask and Bauble is bringing out next week-end ... in De- cember Arepo will present Pagliacci . . . and Mozart's Impressario on the same program . . . the Woman's League annual show will be another musical comedy . . . and Arepo will have a Gilbert and Sullivan opera in May. VIRGINIA SUND.W Through WEDNESDAY Irene Dunne and Walter Huston in "Ann Vickers" THUR. Thru FRI.— Joel McCrea in "Chance at Heaven" Gertrude Avery's Diamond Revue On the Stage ORPHEUM SUNDAY and MONDAY (and Special Midnite Show Saturda.v) "This Nude World" TUES. Thru THURS.— .\dolphe Menjou in "Worst Woman in Paris" FRI. and S.A.T. Sally Filers in "Walls of Gold" 20 The SIREN A Dash of Red Upon the Lips "In past ages beauty was a rare gift from the gods, but today any woman can be beautiful if she keeps a dash of red upon her lips." — Beauty Notes. By Ellen Rynicker Those women who in song and in men's hearts Made music to enchant the years away, Who by their beauty conquered far-flung parts And held strong kings beneath their beauty's sway, How they lie shuddering now so white and cold In dark recesses of their buried crypts, To all the world their magic secret told, — It's just a dash of red upon the lips. When Helen came to storied Troy she found Herself alone as worthy of the prize Of beauty. There no faces to astound The spoiled Paris, there no lips, no eyes. Andromaka, Cassandra, and the rest. Their charms would never lannch a thousand ships. They didn't know (and Helen thus was blest) About the dash of red upon the lips. SPOTLIGHT ON THE SCREEN (Continued from Page 18) R. K. O. Orpheiim THIS NUDE WORLD gives you the naked truth about the nudist movement which has been rating so much space in the papers these days. This picture broke a fifteen year attendance record at the Castle Theatre in Chicago. There are hundreds of characters "in the flesh" on dis- play here. Rial to Physioluscious Geometry." You will be fascinated by the number of angles from which you can study their curves. Octavia, the haughty and the cold, Lost by the length of an Egyptian nose Mark Anthony's affections, so t'is told, And added to her sorrow and her woes. How different would her fate have been if she Had known the precept that so lightly slips In beauty hints, — to keep continually A little dash of red upon the lips. Ninon d'Enclos, and fair Heloise, Dante's Beatrice, more tender than the morn, Divine Francesca, and along with theses, Recamier, and Du Barry with her scorn. All are betrayed and turned to sodden dust. As chattering women vaunt between their sips Of tea how in one thing they put their trust, — That little dash of red upon the lips. Rising to damn those who have stolen their thunder. Who match their rarest charms with well-known secrets. Come dear, dear Emma, filled with aching wonder, And Anne Boleyn, and Caro Lamb (she frets) And exquisite erdita, in despair. Ungraciously they give their beauty tips, "The only thing one needs to make one fair Is just a dash of red upon the lips." L'Envoi Women, they charge you as your duty dire, Forget the wrinkles and the spreading hips, Beauty is simple, — to set the world afire Just have a dash of red upon your lips. S "Why did you kiss that young man last night?" "To protect my reputation. He said he'd go out with the maid tomorrow if I didn't." S From the neck down a man is worth about $1.50 a day. From the neck up, ah, that's up to you. S Who is the young lady with whom Bob Gopel dances during election times? — election times only, you understand. For Your Entertainment (Continued from Page 2) mini Twilight Concert. University or- chestra, directed by Fredric B. Sti- ven ; glee clubs; soloists and groups. 5-5:30 P. M., Wednesday. Violin Melodies. By Harold Wich and Carolyn Harriman Bert. 5-5:15 P. M., Thursday. Violin Miniatures. Classical and semi- classical, by Arthur E. Cohen. 5-5:15 P. M., Friday. Works of the Masters. Selected phono- graph records. 10-11 A. M., Saturday. DON'T MISS THE SIREN'S REPEAL ISSUE ON STANDS December 15 Other Programs The Story Book. Selected fiction. 10:30- 11 A. M., Monday thru Friday. Weekly Sports Review. "Weenie" Wilson. 11:50-12 Noon, Monday. Hour of the Spoken Word. Plays, de- bates, readings (Division of Speech) 5-5:45 P. M., Tuesday. Humorous and Dramatic Readings. Miss Dories C. Stutzman. 10-10:15 A. M., Thursday. Illinois Union Campus Hour. Entertain- ment for those who stay at home week-end nights. 11-12 Midnight, Friday and Saturday. Note: WILL will broadcast all home football games. ILLINOIS SOUVENIRS JVe Have the Largest Showing of These Goads Penoants, Jewelr) Book Ends, Song Books Shields, Ash Trays, Banners and Blankets Stationary, Etc. U. of I. Supply Store The Co-Op Green and ^^'right Streets. Champaign, 111. Fo7'^et the ''Bunk" Go to WEBER'S and Git Pictures U'itli- to muscle in on my territory, I'll plant you among the potatoes." ■'Hell, don't mind me," answered the other, "I'm only the professor's wife," — Alabama Rammer-Jammer. S The drunk tottered along the curb. Several times he stumbled off into the gutter. Each time he clam- bered on the sidewalk. He did this for several minutes, finally stopping and exclaiming, "Thish is a pretty long stair\vay." — Jack-o'-Lantern. 12 The SIREN War Is Hell ! By Laurie W. Kanaga ILLUSTRATED BY FIELD BEAM HOW CLP2ARLY I remember that sunshiny morning when Grandfather left to risk his gallant young life for the honor of the South. I remember I was sit- ting with my legs twined around a lamp post high above the streets, and I can still feel that thrill of pride that ran through my veins h'ke fire as Grandfather gallantly bent from the waist, meanwhile placing a kiss on the top of Grandmother's head. It was a doubly sad parting, for they were as yet unwed and Grandfather could not kiss her on the mouth, although I knew he wanted to. The melancholy jingling of his spurs sent a sad echo in my heart, and my little head was bowed as he disappeared around the corner, calling, "Giddap, Nellie," to his faithful gray mare. I knew the meaning of death. War had left its cruel mark upon me, young as I was. My knowledge of the grim reaper had come in a striking and never to be forgotten fashion. Grandmother had a large pig named Roscoe which she kept in the back yard and which I often watched with my large sad eyes as he rooted in the mud. One day some soldiers came to participate in our southern hospitality. I smelled the odor of something burning in the kitchen. The next day I asked for Roscoe. "He is dead," I was told. "He won't be back any- more." I cried for days over the empty, desolate pig pen. From that day on, I connected the war with death. I hated %\A l^arn I cried for days over the empty, desolate pig pen. it. Hadn't it taken Roscoe from me? My loath- ing never diminished, (^ne day, I remember, I was particularly bitter. I ran into Grand- mother's house. "War is Hell," I told her. I think some general must have heard me, for historians say that Sherman, or was it Grant, later said the same thing. Grandfather came home on leave one May morning about 10 minutes after we had finished a grand breakfast of ham and eggs. "Minnie," he said to Grandmother. Her name was Min- nie. "Minnie," he said, "Let's get married im- mediately, for" — and here I could see that deft touch of the true southern gentleman — "I must return soon and fight those dam' Yankees." You can imagine the surge of pride that welled with- in me. The wedding was thus settled. Father says that I can't remember the wedding, but I know I can. I can remember the speculative look with which Grandmother eyed the wed- ding ring as Grandfather slipped it on her fin- ger, and the way Grandfather kept trying to scratch the middle of his back all during the ceremony. And then that magic Spring day after the fall of Vicksburg when the troops came march- ing home! I cheered that morning until my little vocal chords quivered like strings on a ukelele. In my excitement I snatched a flag that took two men to hold upright and waved it madly over my head. Those, mv friends, were the davs ! December, 1933 13 THE JUNIOR PROM— IN FICTION A soft, silvery moonlight spread over the snow-covered campus as merry couples stepped gaily along, shouting to one another in the de- lightfully crisp winter evening air. A line of handsome cabs and nifty coupes purchased with those sur- pluses of earnings the young men had made selling bonds during the previ- ous summer, drove up to the cano- pied entrance of the Union ball room, and from them emerged velvet- clad belles and top-hatted college beaux, eager for this one big event in the winter social season — the jun- ior prom. Inside, youthful couples were swaying gracefully about to the strains of a beautiful waltz that pro- voked that certain throbbing in the heart. The ball room, with its deep red and blue tapestries and curtains, exquisite architectural forms, and soft lighting, .seemed to draw every- thing into harmony. Dick was dancing with Dorothy. He was most happy, for this was one evening .she would be his alone. By social tradition, her coterie of admir- ers would be kept at a distance. And Dorothy was his alone, he knew. She looked up at him sweetly as the music ended, and he drank in the beauty of her facial features. By mutual, unspoken consent, they left the main ball room and strolled into a secluded spot in the upper parlors. Here Dick took Dorothy into his arms. "I love you, dear," he whispered. "I love you, too, Dick." And their lips met as they drew closer together. . . . AND AS IT REALLY IS A biting northerly cut fancy ca- pers about the campus, chilling the swearing couples as they trudged along slushy sidewalks, the water .soaking through thin shoes to frozen feet, causing no end of discomfort. A string of rattly cabs, long outused in the big cities and then sent down to the small towns to die natural deaths, and a few cut-down automo- biles dumped out tiieir cargoes of al- ready slightly inebriated boys and girls in front of the gym. It was the night of that annual brawl — the jun- ior prom. Inside, a mob was cutting ca|X'rs to the blaring noise of a colored baml playing a hot, jazzed-up rhuniha. Girls swore as their partners stepped on their toes, and the fellows took out their spite by exchanging elbow jabs. The floor was too crowded to move about upon, and the interior of the gym, decorated with sliouting yellow and purple streamers, looked like a barn. Dick was pushing Dorothy around. He was in a helluva mood — and wh\- not? He had been turned down by Mary, Joan, and Ruth. They had had sense enough to get dates for a show and then a cozy lounge before the fireplace at home until 2:30. Dotty was a lousy dancer, and not so hot on looks. And she used baby talk. "Dotty's 'ittle Dicky is nice big mans," she said as he dragged her out onto the dark steps in the corridor to get his neck. It was dark enough that couldn't see her face. His hands sought her mechanically — and he kissed her. — The Dike. (A pdloyics to Burr). OLIVE OIL A man may kiss his wife goo(i-b\e. A tulip kiss a butterfly. And wine may kiss the grosted gla.ss; But you, my friend — farewell. ■ S In a cigarette it's taste — In an Austin it's impossible. A Kappa Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, To get her swimming suit there; Though she looked like a peach, she was pincheti at the beach Because her cupboard was bare. 14 The SIREN UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS SIREN Founded, 1912 JOHN D. TEDFORD EDITOR Associate Editorial Boakd LENORE SCHARSCHUG jr Oman's Editor HENRY BERNET E. H. WATERMAN, JR. BETTY MURDOCK Art Editor ALLAN KAZUNAS EVELYN A. STERN VOLUME XXIV. NUMBER 2 DECEMBER, 1933 WILBUR J. THOMPSON BUSINESS MANAGER HERBERT OTTEN Advertising Manager Adele Pohl Howard Sears Dorothy Blum Assistants Art Staff Jim Will Field Beam Rosemary Miller Ken McCain Marion V. Corliss Marcus V. Brewster Mary B. Atkinson Editorial Staff T. J. Henley Jeroma Wallace Milton Schuster Gretchen Nardine V. G. Musselman Lillian Saltzman Office mini Publishing Company Basement Union Building Champaign Hours: 3-3:30 Phone 4181 All Material Copyrighted. Exclusive reprint rights of all copy under five hundred words granted to recognized college humor magazines. Staff Typists Wanted See Editor or Business Manager CLEMENT IRELAND Circulation Manager Jay Mathis Assistant Staff Eloise Ireland Howard Dixon Mary Jane Lotts THE SIREN, through the courtesy of the RIALTO THEATRE, offers ONE DOUBLE PASS for the best ORIGINAL joke, cartoon suggestion, limerick, light poem, or other form of humor not exceeding fifty (50) words length. AND another DOUBLE PASS for the best ORIGINAL humorous article or poem between fifty (50) and three hundred (300) words length. Entries observing these simple regulations will be favored: 1. Write your name and address on each sheet of paper. 3. Typewrite double space on one side of paper only. 3. Entries must reach the editors not later than Four P. M., Thursday, January 25, 1934. 4. Mark on each entry the class in which it belongs, thus: Class A, fifty words or under; Class B, fifty to three hundred words. 5. Turn in as many entries in each class as you care to, but do not mix classes on any one page. 6. This contest is open to all except the editor of The Siren and members of the Associate Editorial Board, who will act as judges and whose decisions will be final. 7. Make carbon copies of your entries as The Siren cannot guarantee to return manu- scripts. The Siren reserves the right to publish any submitted entries prior to June 15. After that date, title to copy unpublished reverts to the author. Address Entries to: Editor, The Siren, Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Illinois, or leave them at The Siren office. DON'T FORGET THE DEADLINE— JANUARY 25 December, 1933 15 Shake This Up Bv Sterno Four mile limit — oh yeah — you can smell this drink any time and any place on campus ... Ginger Ale Wouldn't this get bubbles up your nose. Hal Kemp is plaung for the Junior Prom, but — once upon a time a con- tract was signed with Xoble Sisle, so "they" said ; then Donnie Roth saw Hal Kemp, free advertising, and sudden- ly the other contract was no more, and the hundred dollar bond put up by a non-medical "Doc" was laid to rest. Just what had George Le Calf to do with all this, or didn't he? Bitters Richard Hadley — oh yes — he's the Theatre Guild's new technical director with the nasty temper, who chases the poor innocents from behind stage. NUTS! And after all that talk, Pierrot didn't take in girls. Perhaps it was the doing of Prof. Weirick, and perhaps of a certain member who never did like girls. Hard Liquor Dick Cisne is now promoting in the ILLINI office. Spice At a dinner last month over in the Kappa Sig house, some one took Lenore Scharschug down and gave her a good paddling. It was her birthday, but one girl was heard to say that it wasn't the first time Scharschie had been slammed. And now she wants to meet the man who owns the paddle. Sugar This was only told to me, and m\' lawyer tells me not to squeal. I quote Steve Shoemacker looking in the window of the Paul Stone studio. "Oh, well, this is just another place I can see your smiling face." Isn't the Chi Psi house still another? Lemon What won't the\ think of next? Dick Phillips over at the Z. B. T. house called home last week, but he didn't only reverse the charges — he's now collecting money from all his relatives, and trunks of new clothes from his family. Illinois doesn't know it as yet, but Dick made the highest grades in the entering group this year, and was just elected the president of the freshman class. "And of course. Mother dear, I just have to be the best dressed man." xhis pipe tobacco gives a NEW meaning to MILDNESS A What a mixture! It's really a gin and gitters. .NY PIPE SMOKT.R who boufiht tobacco that bit his tongue would have a right to feel sore — in more ways than one. He would not buy that brand again. Any manufacturer who sold tobacco that would bite the tongue would be "sore" too — because he could not stay in business. • • • Nobody is interested in tobacco that bites the tongue. But from all the shout- ing that's going on about mildness, one would think that this nation of he-man pipe smokers was about to take to packing its briars with corn silk or pulverized ticker tape. Experieoced pipe smokers know their tobaccos. But you young men who are about to take up pipe smoking should know that it is easy to pro- duce an almost tasteless smoking tobacco by using tasteless and colorless tobaccos. If you want to revel in the delightful taste and aroma of good tobacco, you must have tobacco flavor. We ask you to try Edgeworth because it has mildness plus flavor. That combination is not easy to produce. The highest quality burley tobacco money can buy is in Edgeworth. Only the tenderest leaves are used — and they are the mildest pipe tobacco leaves that grow. Years ago we found the way to produce this mild- flavor blend, and it has been a success. Its flavor has carried it around the world. Before you decide on a pipe tobacco, please do not fail to give Edgeworth a trial. Convenient sizes from \5i pocket package to pound humidor tin. Made and guaranteed bv l^rus & Bro. Co., Richmond, \ a. EDGEWORTH MADE FROM THE MILDEST PIPE TOBACCO THAT GROWS 16 The SIRBN THE INVITATION TO THE PROMENADE (A Play in a Prologue, an Epilogue and No Acts) Note — The action of the prologue takes place in the naughty, naughty days of the Mauve Decade. The time of the epilogue is today, or maybe it's next week, or the day after that. Prologue (A young man and a young woman are seated in a garden. The moon is shining down from above, and smiling benignly upon the young man, who is kneeling at the feet of his lady fair.) He — I realize that I have only known you for six years, my flower. Nevertheless, even in so short a time I have come to realize that you are the epitome of loveliness and sweet- ness. Without further ado, therefore, I would deem it a very great honor, indeed, if you would favor me by being my companion at the Promen- ade. She — I shall discuss the matter with my parents, James. Both my father and my mother look favorably upon you, James, so that despite the short duration of our acquaintance, they may permit me to attend the Promenade with you. At any rate, my final answer shall be ready with- in a fortnight. He — Darling! (Curtain) Epilogue (A young man is standing beside a baby grand piano, shaking a cock- tail shaker vehemently. Standing on the piano is a young woman, who is busily engaged in doing a new dance step.) He — Gee, babe, when'd you come in? She — Oh, about ten minutes ago. He — I'm Jim. What's your name, honey? She— Kitty. He — I think you're swell, Kitty. How about goin' to the Prom with me tomorrow night? She— Oke! — Punch Bowl. ^ * * s X ^ 1 / / r >«Hf»crfe-r^■: PHYSICAL EXPERIMENT Element : Woman. Occurrence : Found wherever man exists. Seldom in the free state, with few exceptions in the combined state. Physical Properties: All colors, sizes, shapes, and ages. Usually in disguised condition. Face covered with a film of composite material. Boohoos at nothing and may freeze at any moment ; however, melts when properly treated. Very bitter if not well used. Chemical Properties: Very active, possesses a great affinity for gold, sil- ver, platinum, precious stones, or anything of value. Violent reaction when left alone. Ability to absorb ex- pensive food at any time. Undissolved by liquids, but activity greatly stim- ulated when treated with spirits so- lution. Sometimes yields to pressure. Turns green when placed beside a more handsome specimen. Ages very rapidly, usually getting into perma- nently enlarged state. Fresh variety has great magnetic attraction. Caution : Highly explosive when in unexperienced hands. — Exchange. ■ S People who carry glass bottles shouldn't sit on stone benches. — Shoii'iiie. IMPULSE I lamps a swell coil on the Ave- nue one fine afternoon so I starts a pick-up. She leads me in cycles but finally winds up in a beauty shop where I tries to make connections. There I spots a gal annode who says she knows the stranger. Says her friend's name is Mag and that as a favor she'll induce me to this dame Mag, when I says I'd like to meter. When Mag was through it was easy to see they had tried to transformer circuits, but even if they hadn't al- tered any lines they certainly made Mag neater. After an induction I was positive we were gonna click, so I says I'll conductor ohm. I notices how light she is on her feet and says "Juice like to dance tonight?" In the negative, she answers that although she likes to volts, tonight she is twired. Later we sits together in an arm- ature. Her resistance is high and she thinks my behavior is shocking even if I do need an outlet. "Try to kill it," she says. "Kilowatt?" "Your wicked erg." "How?" "Socket." Then we switches the conversa- tion. The clock soon strikes twelve and who should ampere but the old man who says occilate for any spark- ing. When I refuses to leave his in- dignition rises, so with great power he makes contact with my extension, as if a filament any harm. I was gonna call a copper and have him arrested for battery, but instead, I was so ashamed of my conduct that I tears up to my room and turns on the gas. — Banter. ■ S Drunk, staggering along t h e streets, bumps into a telephone pole. Feels way around it several times, then mutters, "S'no ushe. Walled in." — Jack-o'-Lantern. s Women give and forgive, men get and forget. —Old Maid. December, 1933 17 CASTAWAY A young sailor was cast away on a desert island. After he had been there for nine years, he espied a fig- ure on a neighboring island. Braving the sharks, he swam there to find a sweet young woman awaiting him. Approaching her, he said : "How long have you been here?" "Why, I've been here six years," she said. "Six years! Why. I've been on my island for nine long years." "Why, you poor man, all alone for nine years! Well, I'm going to give you something you've been wanting for a long time." Said the sailor: "Lady, you don't mean to tell me you've got beer on ice!" — Purple Coiv. s "What I calls an inveterate drink- er, is a boid what can't shave with- out getting lather in his beer." — Cajoler. Fresh: "I wish I had a schooner of beer." Fresher: "I'd rather have a gal- lon!" Puppet. The drunk got in a cab. "Where to?" asked the cabby. "What streets you got?" was the reply. "Plenty," smiled the humoring cabby. "Gimme them all." After several hours' driving, the drunk asked how much he owed. "Seven dollars and fifty cents," he was told. "Turn around and drive back to thirty-five cents," he mumbled. — Skipper. S And then there was the Scotch- man who ordered asparagus and left the waiter a tip. — Aldhaina Raiiiiiier-Jaiinner. S RESULTS Miss Sophia Jones tripped into the lawyer's office. "Cain't ah sue dat no good fo' nothin' Rastus Smilt fo' somepin', mister? He promised to marry me, dat he did, an' yesttiddy he done 'loped with another gal." "Promised to marry you, eh?" mused the lawyer. "Well, have you anything in black and white to show for it?" "No, sub," replied Sophia. "Jes' black is all." — Battalion. OAfvw^rw««^ "I hear you're on the water wagon, old man?" "No, I was, but I got off to give my seat to a lady." — Joke from Shoiiirie. THAT FIRST KISS Never before had they been alone. But to-nite, somehow, the others had withdrawn and left them — two alone on the broad stretch of green. He had seen her before, of course, in the crowd. Few had not seen and admired her incredible fairness. Once he had brushed against her — and the remembered quivering thrill of that contact startled him anew. Could nothing bring them to- gether? He hesitated, but she re- mained motionless — waiting perhaps — gleamingly fair in the pale light. Then an impulse, a power greater than he, impelled In'm to her. And she waited, as dark and shining, he drew near. They touched — and with a .soft, whispering sigh — they kissed. And parted — each billiard ball plunking into a pocket. — Puppet. At Bar: "Let me have a miniature cocktail." Barman: "I don't follow you." At Bar: "You drink it. and in a miniature out.' — Joke from Banter. Operator — Number, please. Drunk (in phone booth) — Num- ber, hell ; I want my peanuts. — Purple Parrot. The SIREN THE SAGA OF MORTIMER BOTTS CHAPTER II The class being over, young Mortimer bold Asked to escort her; she turn- ed him down cold. This bafltled our hero, who meant her no wrong; And so he continued to play for her strong. But maids, 'though aloof, who are luscious with charm, Are destined to weaken. (Lord keep them from harm). Our Tessie was humani, suscep- tible too; She gave in to Mort, for what else could she do ? Continuity by Allan Kazunas Illustrated by Rosemary Miller "Willst coke with me. dovelet?" he asked half afraid. Of course she said, "Yes, Mort." for she was quite made. Already his love life was getting sincere; In spite of repeal he had not order- ed beer. "Oh promise me, Mort, dear," cooed Tess to her man, "That you won't drink liquor or alky argain." "For you," gurgled Mortimer, biting his straw. "I'd live like a saint and obey every law." Will Mortimer revolt, or will he turn into a pansy? (See next issue of the Siren for the outcome of this complication) SCAMPUS SCANDALS ((AJiitiiiued From Page 8) hard to get there . . . She had Eddie Russell sort of h'ned up . . . He's a D. U., so probably that doesn't count . . . We take pleasure in giving you this because the Pifys are such a smug, self-complacent lot . . . They admitted, how- ever, that two of their sisters know more of life than co-eds are supposed to know . . . That's quite an admission coming from them . . . Helen Garland ... to you who know her ... is in a girls' school this year . . . Francis Shinier Girls' school . . . Mount Carroll . . . where they have to get in at 9 o'clock and they can't date town fellows . . . and they have one dance a year to which they can import dates with their par- ent's permission . . . We just can't understand it at all . . . We fear for Nat Cohen . . . Some one of these Mon- days, Wednesday's or Fridays, Marcella "Toots" Clifford. daughter of Senator Clifford to you, is going to bite Nat . . . She sits next to him in Prof. Landis' course in Shakespeare and leans over and "ohs, " and "ahs, " and pops out those gleaming white teeth so close to Nat, that, well ... it just sort of puts us on edge . . . But Nat comes right back with, "Whose afraid of a Theta." Well, who is? . . . It seems a coincidence that Pat Kron, imported chorus girl, withdrew from this University several weeks after Luis Jance. Zeta Xi, did. Pat said she was going back to shows and that Vance was going in the opposite direction . . . Pat had his pin a week after meeting him . . . The laugh is that Pat's folks sent her toschool to keep her from marrying another boy . . . Pat's parting remark was, "I was loval to Illinois in my own fashion." December, 1933 Rialto Theatre Pre\iews (Dates on Page 2) DUCK SOUP is the latest reason for a new picture by the Four Marx brothers. It is rumored that there is actually a plot in this crazy concoction of gags centering about a revolution in Freedonia. Groucho is appointed dictator, for some reason or other. As such he makes the dippiest diplomat in history. Even Hitler might well envy Groucho's manner as well as his moustache. Chico is Groucho's son and secretary. Incidentally, which is no mere incident, this sanest appearing one of the four is responsible for most of the gags used by the batty brothers. It doesn't make sense to us, either. Chico, a peanut vendor, becomes appointed wai minis- ter. As a spy for the enemy, he tries to bag vital information. But the whole affair is "nuts" throughout. Harpo is a super-spy who spends half the time shadowing himself. The other half he spies on the intimate life of women — and women certainly get a run for their money when he chases them. There is one unfortunate thing about DUCK SOUP. By the time you catch up to one gag two others have sailed bv. 19 "Little Women" Coming Soon FROM HEADQUARTERS gives the police angle on the murder of a Broadway playboy. It brings again Eugene Palette, whose detective work in S. S. Van Dine stories earned him the fans' approval. George Brent, who acted opposite his wife, Ruth Chatterton, in "Female," is a police lieu- tenant ; his sweetheart, Margaret Lindsay, show- girl, is involved in the slaying through several in- discreet letters written bv her brother. ALICE IN WONDERLAND presents a new star in Charlotte Henry, who was chosen as Alice after an elimina- tion contest among 6,800 applicants throughout the United States, England, and Canada. "The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of cabbages and kings," and characters who include: Richard Arlen, Roscoe Ates, Gary Cooper, Leon Errol, Louise Fazenda, W. C. Fields, Skeets Gallagher, Cary Grant, Raymond Hatton, Ed- ward Everett Horton. Roscoe Karns, Baby LeRoy. Mae Marsh, Polly Moran, Jack Oakie. Edna May Oliver. May Robson, Charlie Ruggles, Alison Skipworth, Ned Sparks, and Ford Sterling. Entrancing, hard-working, red-headed Katharine Hep- burn comes to the VIRCilNIA THEATRE, following the Christmas holidays, in a role which will undoubtedly estab- lish her among the screen's greatest stars. She appears as Jo, the best known of the immortal sister quartette in Louisa M. Alcott's romantic novel of the Sixties, Little U omen. The outstanding trait of Miss Hepburn's stage career, as well as her work on the screen, has been her faithfulness to her ideal of playing a part as she feels that the character would act. She has given up many big chances to gain fame for the simple reason that her ideas and those of the di- rectors were not in harmony. Luckily, George Cukor. who directed Little Jl'omen for RKO- Radio Pictures, visioned Jo as did Katherine Hep- burn, and this accord was instrumental in mak- ing the pictured story as rhythmical as it is. Supporting Miss Hepburn as her three sisters. Amy, Meg, and Beth, are respectively Joan Bennett, Frances Dee. and Jean Parker. Douglass Montgomery appears as the dashing Laurie, the rich boy next door, the spurning of whose love by Jo startled the New England countryside. Then there is Paul Lukas as the lumbering, lovable Fritz Bhaer, the learned man of the city whose courtship ends in the old March homestead. Others in the cast that embraces more than twenty popular players are Edna May Oliver, Henry Stephenson, John Davis Lodge, and Sam- uel Hinds. Customs, costumes, and the heartwarming atmosphere of New England in the Sixties were transplanted to Holly- wood for the filming of Little Women. One of the strangest settings ever constructed for a talking picture was the re- production of Louisa Alcott's home in Concord, Massa- chusetts, with the interior on a set twenty miles away from the exterior. The producers cast aside dramatic license in making this picture, and the finished piece rings true to the original story in every respect. Two million copies of Louisa M. Alcott's book have been sold since it was published in 1868, and it is estimated that twenty million persons have read the story. HAVANA WIDOWS displays the hips and hilarity which you might well expect from Joan Blondell and Glen- da Farrell. From burlesque shows to the boulevards of the Cuban capital, they prove to be more dangerous than an\ revolutionary ever expected to be. Frank McHugh is Duffy, a lawyer, who gets them there. But the way back by means of deporta- tion is a bit more disconcerting. .Allen Jenkins and Guy Kibbee contribute their bits to keep up the speed of this fast moving farce. Allan- K.azumas. 20 The SIREN Those Are My Dogs ((Ujutinucd from Pcuje 7 ) who would keep a menagerie like that around a civilized town !" John Paul did not whip his dogs. John Paul did not even reprove them in tones scholarly but sorrowful. He locked them up again. And that was that, until Spring! March shivered by; the students went home for spring vacation when 'twas really winter, and when they came back Spring had arrived. Spring, with its head-colds, its fra- grant lush earth, its buds, its gentle breezes, its heartaches . . . And John Paul let his dogs out again ! Nothing eventful happened for several days and the incident of FuFu was practically forgotten by all save tiie toy dog and Marcia. Then one evening as John Paul was returning from Philosophy 9, he heard an uproar in the garden by the side of the Theta house. The Great Dane had the diminutive FuFu down in the slooshy mud of the gar- den and was holding him there calm- ly with one giant paw, while the other three dogs bustled around hope- fully, with playful expressions of "Can I do anything to help?" writ- ten all over their willing counten- ances. Dropping his books on the Gamma U walk, John Paul made a bee-line for the scene of canine disaster. He arrived there at exactly the moment that Marcia chose to make her entry upon the scene! And John Paul, who wasn't supposed to be an authority on such matters, couldn't help feeling that here, as the Gamma U's would say, was "a queen." John Paul could not have made an introduction better calculated to draw fire, if he had planned it. "Ah, uh — those are my dogs," he ventured. He got no further. "So — those are your dogs? You're the idiot who has turned loose these perfectly awful beasts upon the neighborhood? I think you're unspeakable!" She cli- maxed her remarks by kneeling down swiftly to the soft mud of the gar- den, scooping up a handful, and, be- fore the startled representative of the clan Sylvester could dodge, scoring a neat hit on "The Third's" face. John Paul gathered together his four dogs, got one last look at the angel who had so humiliated him, wiped his muddy countenance, and retired in confusion to the Gamma U stronghold where there was no woman, save the negro cook. From that time on, none of us seemed to know John Paul. He was different; oh, very different from the scholar and dog fancier we had known before. One of the boys took a long shot in the dark and asked John Paul one day if it was "the girl who'd slung the mud in his eye" who was the cause of his new intro- spection. "The Third's" startled look told us that the inquisitive brother had struck home. So we sat back and awaited de- velopments, knowing that sooner or later dogs would be dogs and find their way back across the street to play with their frail brother. A week later — it must have been about the last of April — the police dog and the two terriers were en- gaged in chasing imaginary rats around the house, egged on by sev- eral eager Gamma U's. This left the Great Dane free, since he would not stoop to such lowly sport as chasing imaginary rats hither and yon about the yard. In his four years at State he had long since learned to be skeptical of enthu- siastic brothers who yelled, "Rrrrr- rats!" The rodents never material- ized. And so he turned his thoughts on this day toward that haven of play- time — the Theta house — where he could muss the fur of dear little Brother FuFu, the overgrown insect. He bent his footsteps thither, and was soon on the scene. The setting was perfect — with little FuFu nosing about alone in the garden. From the other side of the street John Paul saw the Dane head for the Theta house. Horrified, he fol- lowed the big dog. He was sneaking up behind him when Marcia ap- peared on the porch and walked over to the edge which overlooked the garden, unseen by either man or beast. The Great Dane leapt for the unsuspecting Peke, but John Paul did a little leaping himself about that time with the result that he tackled the fragile FuFu in a beautiful mud- slide rescue that would put any ath- lete to shame. "How perfectly adorable of you!" came a tinkling voice from the porch. But this time John Paul was un- troubled by the mud which be- decked his countenance and, indeed, his whole figure. He held the small dog aloft triumphantly. "Here he is," said he, with the same victorious note in his voice which the Vikings must have had when presenting their women with the spoils of battle. "Oh, thank you, but you're all muddy!" "Well, I generally am, I guess, when you see me. But give me a chance to prove that Fm not always this way, or that I'm not just an ogre who owns prowling dogs. How about tonight?" "That \iiould be lovelv . . ." John Paul graduated that June, but before his departure from the old school, there were many "tonights." And so it is not altogether too sur- prising to picture in a few years a peaceful scene on a front lawn where FuFu and the Great Dane gamboled merrily, while from the porch Mr. and Mrs. John Paul Sylvester III looked on and John Paul Sylvester IV gurgled "FuFu!" (The End) 1 The Junior dance — A tender glance, A sprightly prance. Two in a trance. A gaze askance. Barrage of "can'ts," A few new slants. The proper stance — Five brand new aunts! — Punch Bowl. DnnWess KAYWOODIE PROVED THE BEST SMOKING PIPE IN THE WORLD on the Jensen Smoke Tesfer There's one pipe that is aaually better-smoking than any other. University scientists, recently, made over 410 tests with every well linown pipe in the world and proved new Drinkless Kaywoodie best. By actual laboratory measurement, 5 1 ^ purer smoke, 51^ better taste I Let your own taste confirm it. Get a new Drinkless Kaj-woodie. It will bring you the kind of enjoyment that is a revelation. For the first time, you'll know the real pleasure of pipe smoking. Send for the Proof Get the only Handbook of it5 kind — shows 106 different pipes in full colors including the new- est styles. .\lso booklet describing the 410 pipe tests- Enclose 10c for mailing. Deot. X KAUFMANN BROS. & BONDY, Inc. Empire State Building New Vcrk City. Estaiilisheii ISol 51% PURER SMOKE O BETTER TASTE You Pay For It Why Not Get It? W'e mean >ou pay for good quality goods but often get cheated out of it, by price chiselers. Buy from reliable dealers and get your money's worth. This is Your Christmas Store For J'alid's, Quality, J'ariety Heantiiiil Gift Articles Books — for Young or Old Christmas Cards, Seals, Wrappings, Skates, Kodaks, Scrap Books, "^'ardley's Toilet Goods, Diaries, Universit>- Souvenirs, Brief Cases, Lamps. Framed Pictures, Etc. U. of I. Supply Store The Co-Op Green and Wright Streets, Champaign, III. • • • //M ^outstanding feature of ourserrice ^oto- Engravers JlUmiyAibliwiions a.R.GRUBB&CO. €NGRAV€RX C4fAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS r- University of Illinois FEBRUARY 1 TWENTY CENTS '% ''s Signs of Spring « — "V^Vi^Vt 4%*- 'fo- \^i ^"^^V^N V 1 TntMcco Company \ y THE HEIGHT OF GOOD TASTE ALWAYS tJi£ 3i^ie4f %Sam> afui ONLY t/i£ (^^niei- ^£mi}€6 \ February. 1934 "Well! Ya might wait till I put something on." ii«4Uia REASON FOR PURITY I've given up drinking And smoking, too. With necking or petting I've sworn I'm through. So pure am I getting. It can hardly be — The reason for this? My love don't love me. S.AXS Souci. PROGRESS OF CIVILIZATION 1930— ••! Found a Million DoHar Baby." 1931— "I Got Five Dollars." 1932 — "Here it is Monday and I've Still Got a Dollar." 1933 — "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?" ]934_? ? ? ? ? — Log. It's papa who pays — and plays- and then pays some more. COLLEGIATE TRAGEDY I saw you this morning, You smiled and said. "How are you today?" and passed on. I was left with a frozen smile on my lips. You dared ! After last night, when. With my head on your breast, your lips in my hair, You vowed you would love me al- ways, And this morning you dared say, "How are you today?" — Utah Humbug. WHEEZE (U'ith a bit of apology to Mr. Kilmer ulio penned "Trees" ) I think that I shall never hear A song as sweet as bubbling beer; A piece whose liquid notes are chirped Around the world and even urped Wherever guzzeling is known ; And where King Hop's astride the throne — A piece which may in summer tear Huge belches from the toe to hair; .\ .song whose notes are even now Heard on this campus much. I trow; Oh. beer is drunk by men like me; I'll give you Sundaes, cheerfully. The SIREN EASY MARK Scene — A handsome young couple are seated in a garden under the soft, silvery moonlight. They are talking to each other, which is the devil of a thing to do in a setting like that. Said the girl: "Mark, I'm fond of you and all that, but you have one awful fault — an awful one." "Why, what's that, Doris?" "You're too easy-going, Mark. When you graduated from college, you could have gone into the sort of work you liked, only it would have been hard. Instead, you went into your father's office. You took the easy way." "I suppose that's so, Doris." "Yes, and while you were in col- lege, you paid others to write your papers and do your assignments in- stead of learning something yourself. You took the easy way, didn't you, Mark?" "I admit that, Doris, but what has it to do with us? I'm in love with you. Won't you marry me?" She looked at him for the split sec- ond of a moment. "You still try the easy way," she murmured. —Reel. "I can't marry him, mother, he's an atheist and doesn't believe there is a hell." "Marry him, my dear, and be- tween us, we'll convince him that he's wrong." — Battalion- Here I sit and fuss and fret While my seat is growing wet. It's enough to make me fume! Teacher, can't I leave the room? Why delay me when you know That I simply gotta go? Honest, teacher, I'm not feigning— My car top's down and it is raining. — Columns. For Your Entertainment SCREEN RIALTO THEATRE Feb. 25 thru 28. Kay Francis in Man- datay. March 1 thru 3. Dorothea Wieck in Miss Fane's Baby is Stolen. March 4 thru 7. Bolero with George Raft, Carole Lombard, Sally Rand the fan dancer, and Frances Drake. (See Page 18). STAGE March 8, 9, 10. The .Iddinij Machine, by Elmer Rice— a drama in the expres- sionistic manner. Produced by Mask and Bauble. Lincoln Hall Theatre. March 16, 17, 23, 2+. The Dark Hours, a Passion Play in five acts, by Don Marquis; a tragedy inspired by the last few hours in the life of Christ. Produced by McKinley Foundation. April 12, 13, 14. Beyond the Horizon, a naturalistic tragedy, one of Eugene O'Neill's Pulitzer prize winning dramas. Produced by Mask and Bau- ble. Lincoln Hall Theatre. MUSIC March 6. University String Quartet Con- cert. 7 P. M. Smith Memorial Hall. March 20. Dusolina Giannini, dramatic soprano. Presented by the Star Course. Auditorium. "Is he fresh?" Why I had to slap him three times before I gave in." —Bored Walk. BRESEE BROS. GLEANERS 44 PHONE 44 Gleaners - Pressers Tailors - Hatters THE DISTINCTION Him — "My treasure!" Her — "My treasury!" He — "I want to ask you a riddle. Why is it that you have so many boy friends?" She — "I give up." —On'/. There was once a man who was out gunning in the Alps. Sighting an eagle, he took aim and brought the bird down. As he was retrieving his game, a second man rode up on a horse. "My good man," said the man on the horse to the hunter, "you should have saved your shot. The fall alone would have killed the eagle." — Gart/oyle. S ■ Jane: "What is the difference be- tween dancing and rasslin'?" Helen: "Well, what is it?" Jane: "In rasslin' some holds are barred." — Exchange. "What do you think of a boy who will make a girl blush?" "I think he's a wonder." — Exchange. Willie: "Say, pop, why was man made first." Father: "Oh, so woman could claim she was an improvement on him, 1 suppose." — Exchange. February, 1934 University of Illinois siren Features in Tliis Issue For Your Entertainment — Places to Go. Things to Do Page 2 Prof, Cupid, and Amoebas — .:/ Short Story Page 7 Bv WiLs Gaddis Coke n Smoke — Campus Truths and Rumors Page 8 Fable of Al and The Baby — .:/ Humorous Sketch. ...Page 10 Bv William S. Middletox Jerry the Rat—.:/ Short Tale Page 12 The Saga of Mortimer Botts. — .:/ \arrative Poem, Chapt. III. Bv Allan- Kazl x.as. Illustrated by Rosemary Miller Page 13 Short Course in Ice Skating Page 17 By J. Z. BuRsox Rialto Theatre Coming Attractions Page 18 mini Theatre Guild Attraction Page 19 Staff Page 20 FEBRUARY 1934 s I t4 $A m Li?. John D. Tedford Editor Wilbur J. Thompson Business Manager Betty Jane Kendall A ssociate Editor VOLl'ME XXIV. NCMBER 3. Published hi-monthly during the college year by the mini Publishing Company, Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Illinois. Editorial and business offices in basement of Illinois I'nion Building. Twenty cents the copy. Entered as second-class matter at the Post Office at L'rbana, Illinois, by act of Con- gress, March 3, 1879. 1 The SIREN Ahoy/ Ailed Li6HT-Poft.T the helm Rubber I used to work in Urbana, In a big department store. Behind the hosiery counter, I did, but I don't anymore. A Kappa came in for some garters, I asked her what kind she wore, "Why, rubber!" she said, And rubber I did. TO AN IDEAL WOMAN Her eye may be of burnished glass That twinkles 'neath blue heaven; Her feet may be AA in width — And length, a number seven. Perhaps her leg is hewn of oak, And false her platinum tresses. And what if she should dare to dance In bargain-sale dresses? Her teeth, like stars, at night come out; Her ring's fFooI-ivorth-thr-nionry, But ah! I love that different air! (Migawd, but aren't men funny?) JDVtUtVl. Here is one Little Nell who knows how to handle the big bad rent collector. / (HJ but I don't anymore. V. G. Musselman. She— "Stop." He— "I won't." She (sighing with relief) — "Well, at least I did my duty." — Student. S "Do you play golf?" he asked of the simple but gushing maiden. "Heavens, no," she replied bashfully, "I don't believe I should even know how to hold the caddie." — Lafayette Lyre. s - A survey gathered data to show that 50,000 girls have recently returned to cotton top hose. When at its height, this investigation must have been interesting. — Green Griffin. "How did you stop your husband staying late at the club?" "When he came in late I called out, 'Is that you. Jack?', and my husband's name is Bob." Wife — That couple next door seem very devoted. He kisses her everytime they meet. Why don't you do that? Underdog — I don't know her well enough yet. Old Man (to boy leading a mongrel pup) : What kind of a dog is that, my boy? Boy : Police dog. Old Man: That doesn't look like a police dog. Boy: Nope, it's in the secret service. February, 1934 Words to the Wall-Flower's Waltz Oh, ev'rv iii};ht at tweKc o'clock I hop into the shower, I scrub myself with Lifebuoy Soap For nigh-on half an hour! I douse my head in Golden Glint, I gargle Listerine, I manicure with Cutcx sets, I slither in Cold Cream. To light the eyes I smear on Winx, And arch the brows with pencil — And Kiss-Proof to my lips apply With plat'num-plated stencil. The perfume, ah! 'tis "Christmas Night" At twenty bucks a dram. I shine the teeth with Pepsodent, Dear Em'ly Post I cram. Why cannot I find Romeos Or football captains nifty? Oh, I'm so cute, just six feet tall, And weigh one-hundred fifty! Small Boy: "Maw and Paw had an awful time getting married. Maw wouldn't marry Paw when he was drunk, and Paw wouldn't marry Maw when he was sober." : — Drexerd. Minnie was very inexperienced when she joined the burlesque chorus, but she soon outstripped all the other girls. — Panther. -S- // yhi i%Lvis.r.i? tlfln":^ s-^ / -Courtesy KUly-Kat. "BUT WHAIyDOES HE LOOK LIKE, T'O Mahel, Cliarlcy seemed a good catch. To Mabel's mother, Charley was just a good cough. She never cotiU see him with that nose-assailing pipe and his halo (?) ot gaspy smoke. Mabel's new hero is also a pipe smoker — but his pipe is well kept and his tobacco delightfully mild and fragrant. You've guessed the plot. It's Sir Walter Raleigh. A blend of mild Kentucky Burleys so cool and slow- burning that the boys have made it a national favorite in five short years. Kept fresh in gold foil. Try it; you vc a pleasant experience ahead ot you. Brown & ^w illiamson Toliacco Corporatioa Louisville, Kcntiickv, Dept. W-42 Send for this FREE BOOKLET It's 1 5 ^— AND IT'S MILDER Slips That Pass in the Night The inside info reaches us that when Eddie Cantor tried to lead Mae West into a Carioca she gave him a bust in the eye. Teacher: Rastus, do you consider this portrait of Lady Godiva obscene? Rastus: Well, ma'am, it's de most mind-disturbin' picture dat eber ob- scene. S "Aw, go to hell !" St. Peter ex- claimed when Huey Long applied for admission at the Pearly Gates. Phi Phi : Dick tells me Jerry is a triple-threat star. Theta: Mebbe, but I do know he's outstanding on passes. ODE TO A GAL 1 iiad sworn to be a bachelor She had sworn to be a bride — But I guess you know the answer (She had nature on her side). — Sun Din/. The SIREN A minister one day while visiting one of his flock who had been a sailor heard the parishioner's parrot make a few remarks in the way only a true sailor's parrot can. The man was very much embarrassed and apolo- gized. The minister didn't seem alarmed, but said he had a parrot that prayed all the time. After a while the good reverend made the suggestion that he thought his par- rot would have a good influence on the sailor's bird. The sailor agreed, so the next day the minister brought his parrot to spend a few days with the other bird. When the sailor's parrot saw the addition to his cage he immediately remarked, "How about a little lov- ing, babe?" Answer: "What the hell do you think I've been praying for all these years r — Green Griffin. A Frigidaire may have its admir- ers, but I want to be an ice-man and have my pick. -Courtesy Frivol. He — "I feel as though I had known you for years." She — "You certainly do." — Cfijolcr. ■ S "Do you college boys waste much time?" "Oh, most girls are reasonable." —Belle Hop. Pat: "Why did you and Percy break up?" Doris: "Oh, he was just a passing pansy." — Lafayette Lyre. ■ S We can't understand why Bill is so popular when the girls all say he makes them tired. — Grinnel Malteaser. "Is that fellow McFall all right to take on a fishing trip?" "Is he? Say, besides doing the cooking he'll think up good lies for the whole bunch." February, 1934 Prof, Cupid and Amoebas PROFESSOR DIXGLEY is ncai-sightcd. Remember that. Not that there's anything very wrong about being near-sighted. Some of our best people are. I'm a little near- sighted myself .... Hut let us get back to the profes- sor. You should know him. If you've been in college more than a semes- ter (even if you last only long enough to be initiated), you probably do. Short fellow. Light hair, slight- ly thinned on top. Got his bachelor's at Knox, his master's at Illinois, and his doctor's at Columbia. Always intending to go abroad and make a comprehensive study of the sex life of the amoeba in the Asiatic countries. Unmarried. Uses tobacco, but prefers his corn-cob pipe even to the best advertised brands of cigarettes. Gets around. That's the gent! In the evenings those of us who had the Prof in Zo C^ne used to drop around to his apartment. He was that sort of a guy. No one ever called (in Professor Dingley — that is no one except that high and mighty rhet pro- fes.sor with the Hahvahd accent. All us students just dropped in on him. We didn't even bother to knock. He used to poke his head out of his two-by-four kitchen somewhere be- hind the in-a-doo