mLooK for the Si^n OVERHEARD AT THE POULTRY SHOW "Why is :i litn immortal?" "Duiino, why is she?" "Because her son never sets. — Ohio Sun Dial. "What do yen think of my new ball dress. Edwin?" "Is it the latest? "The very latest !" "It looks some like the earliest." — Pud:. "So you were at the wedding. Did you give the bride away?" "Xo, but I could have." — IVisconsin Sphinx. Tell the deal- er you want Lewis' Single Binder Annual Sales i2,000,000 a year proves good quality Mild Quality That Never Varies SHOES REPAIRED One day Service All Shoes brought in by 9:00 will be finished by 5:50 HARRY R. LaSALLE First door South of Boneyard. Wright Street Champaign, Illinois I should worry a watch and good hours keep. I sliould worry a broom and make a clean sweep; I should worry a gold and star blowing about, I should worry a prof. — and get flunked out. "Speaking of debutantes, did you see Miss Sniythe coming out?" "No; by the time I got there they had her fastened in with a couple of shoulder straps." — Boston Globe. We Are ^^^ Ready y^ to scrape // C up acqua- / \ intance // f^ pA with you 1 j v^ uUL -^ j^ ^r^ Y. M. C. A. \y Barber Shop X^ E. p. Gaston Prop. % A. M. BURKE, Pres. E. I. BURKE, Vice Pres. C. L. MAXWELL, Cashier THE CITIZENS' STATE BANK Champaign, Illinois Your business is desired, & we are disposed to grant you every consistent favor. Neil and Taylor Streets Her Father — Have you a family tree? Her Lover — No ; but I have 10,000 acres of pine timber in Wis- consin. Her Father — Great! Have a drink, a good cigar, and the girl! — ■ .Vcic Vor/c Post. .5; History Prof. — Why are the Middle Ages known as the Dark Ages ? Wise Frosh — Because there were so many knights. — Wisconsin Sfiliinx. CALDWELL BUILDING. CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS. The place to buy study Lamps ^n-i "What are you going to tell your constituents when you get home?" "I'm going to buy a lot of refreshments," replied Senator Sorghum, "and tell them to help themselves." — Washington Star A woman's will, or (say) her "wont'' A riddle is in truth ; For why must her declining days Re always in her youth? — Widozi.'. There are many who look upon falick I ail es as mark of high price. It's a mistake. We are complimented of course for it shows that we have attained the thing we have been striving for, for years. We have made our label stand for quality in men's clothes. The mistake of supposing that our goods are high in price is occasioned by their appearance and their real worked in quality. Gulick Tailored Clothes are tailored in our own shop here in Champaign and are distinctive in style and fit, classy in appearance and considerably less in price than what you pay where they take your measures and send away to have them made. An early inspection of our new Fall and Winter Suitings will soon convince you that Gulick Tailored Suits are the best Clothes satisfaction you can get. Champaiqiilils, STREET ' O GEE, BUT THEM WERE BULLY DAYS. Bill, I have to stop and ponder when the fall comes "round again, On them good old freshman days and the fun that we had then; How we used to curse the beastly luck and those awful rocky ways. But now, Bill, we'll drink to 'em; Gee, but them were bully days. j^Pi 111 I I ■ I I Ml i -r-FT BOARD OF EDITORS Editor L. W. Ramsey Associate Editor A. R. ROHLFING D. T. Carlisle BuRiLL Wright R. L. Barlow Art Editor R. O. Field Staff Business Manager A. C. Strong .issociate Art Editor L. D. TiLTON V. D. Cylkowski Geo. Gill e. h. morrissey Published monthly during the college year by the students of the University of Illinois. Entered as second class matter. January 2, 1912, at postoffice at Champaign, 111., under Act of Congress March 3, 1879. Subscription 75c per year in advance; out of town subscriptions, $1.00; single copies, loc; special numbers, 25c. .All business communications should be sent to A. C. Strong, Siren office. Communications should be sent to L. W. Ramsey, Siren office, over Harris & Mead's. HE .soirit of Illinois. Mr. Freshman, is that of naive democracy and the pass word is "Hi Fellows". Illinois esprit de corps is rampant among the five thousand stu- dents of all nationalities under all varieties of social juris- prudence and unites them into one puissant and democratic mass called, "the student body". The chic, the debonair, the mirthful Siren with humorous aforesight congratulates, welcomes, and then suggests the assumption of democratic poise at the impend- ing joys of your collegiate accouchement. Separate yourself from the unnecessary price of a green lid. Youll feel better and besides it spews you into that most abused herd called the freshman class. As a means of making friends it pays seven hundred percent on the investment and you'll be clipping the coupons for the aext four years. ]\Ir. Freshman, remember that smiles and optimism work wonders in making your college course run smooth. Smile in the collegiate mirror and she siuiles back, frown and she frowns in return. Altho a debutante of but three college years, The Siren, gazing upon her reflection in the lake of mirth, feels that she has grown more beautiful, more jocose, and luore delightfully impossible to the student body. She will adorn herself this year in the most attractive and captivating habilements obtainable, so that the lure may be complete — and that the student body while cruising along the college course may be dashed upon the rocks of mirth at least once a month. HE SIREX has at last emerged from the ranks of under-classy nondescripts and blos- somed out a wise but not too serious upper- classwoman. The arbitration of the burning questions of the hour we will leave to our "esteemed contemps" — and we'll take the money. Xot that we want the lucre, but people just Zi'ill subscribe — they insist on laughing with us. Yes. we are a junior. But we're Fresh- man at heart and we still know enough to laugh at everything from a prof's jest to a clinic. We're like Omar (pass 'em. please) — we're lovers of "Life" ; and we can't re- sist that impulse to throw away the shells of seriousness and munch the meats of humor which may be found in almost every situation. ^ J * ' The Siren is just every Illini's '"best gal and real pal". We don't stand for anything but a gix>d time — except that we can occasionally get a good deal of pleasure out of self-investigation and the analysis of Illinois Faults and Favors. It's a poor humorist that can't laugh at his own shortcomings. But, Frosh, we just have to pull one dry old piece of advice. Obey that slogan "When an Upperclassman tells you to do a thing, no matter what it is, do it". ^\nd remember that The Sirex is an Upperclasswoman, and she says, '"Subscribe". DD® DD September Mom. 9 There was always something masculine about Sally. nn©nn THE CO-ED'S ANSWER '"Dearest," he breathed as he gazed into her large blue eyes appealingly, "dearest, will you be mine? I want you, I want you more than I ever wanted anything in this world. I need you, because with- out you my life will be utterly purposeless, and empty. Tell me, tell me that you love me, that you will be mine". Contentedly she laid her head on his manly shoulder, reversed her cud and cooed, "I got cha Steve old kid." nn®nn "For an English woman she certainly has winning ways." "Her husband's a card sharp and he must have taugh her the tricks." nn®nn "Mrs. Gotro.x made an awful break at the Vander- gould Ball last night." "What was it?" . "Her hose supporter." nn©nn Frosh — Why do they call our porter "Log"? Up. CI. — Short for logarithm. They're always lookin' him up. nn©nn Nowdays when a girl sits down she has to pull up her skirts to keep them from bagging at the knees. Hubby — Bah, you've got a shape like a drink of water. Wifey — Why did you marry me, then? Hubby — I guess I had an awful thirst. nn®nn United we stand, single we can go some. DD © an "Cantield is an awful jay". "Do tell". "Why. he buuglit his false teeth from Montgomery Ward's." DD® nn TWO L.ADIES AT .^ RECEPTION 1st Lady — I cannot think what has upet that tal! good-looking blonde man over there. He was so att^u- tive a little while ago, but now he won't even look at me. 2nd Lady. — Perhaps he saw me come in. He is my husband. nn®nn Burnt Cork. 10 o u w X M E. SI R E K rtA" TOO TRUE Gee ! but that's a nice looking chicken. Yes, but her father was a bad egg. DD ® nn There was a flirtatious Chorine Whose limbs were a sight to be seen, But her life was not moral. For they say she took chloral To keep her extremities lean. It's a wise man who can choose his courses. DD® DD Roman Numeral — What did you think of the "Whip?" Arabic Ditto — A cracking good show. SIRENS Yesterday 12 T JM E I tt E JH M'A RUSHING IN THE HAREM The Sultan Ali Ben Abu was about to take unto himself a wife — the fort\-first. Xow, in the Mohammedan countries this modus operandi is not at all immoral, for it is considered ex- tremely mal au fait for a man to stop with a mere ante. To be in the swim of Musselman society he must raise the ne.xt fellow to the limits of his financial ability. And so it was. that Sul- ton Ali Ben Abu. as the style setter for his king- dom, was about to take his forty-first plunge into the matrimonial sea. and in his handsome seraglio consternation reigned, for a new wife in Turkey, means ruching season in the harem. Imagine, if you please, the puissant Ali's forty existing specimens divided into two opposing camps, the one group led by Fatima. a Pittsburg brunette, aetat uncertain, the other by Zubelda. a petite ingenue of some twenty bicuspids. Yes, gentle reader, the Sultan's harem was a micro- scopic John Street, with all the luxuriously volup- tious trimmings which a fertile and sensuous oriental mind could conjure up. So, accordingly. Fatima"s compradores called themselves the Irk- utskrp Sorority. Zeta chapter, and Zubelda"s commilitones tho but a mere local organization bore the formidable title of the Tchatalja Club. Well, to hit a longwinded story in the solar plexus, the new arrival arrived. She was tall, colored an elegant underdone brown, with glossy locks of nondescript hue. plump as a dean of women, with captivating ankles. Oh. so utterly charming, so gracious, so lovely, the very quint- escence of female One-and-onlyness. Needless to say, she created a furore. Even the jaded and uxorious Ali seemed pleased. But the women ! Ye gods, a pan-Hellenic gamble, a wild abandoned Bachantelike Turkey Trot ensued, and little Zuleika was plunged into the maelstrom of rushing functions, which, like the veriable of mathematic fame, appeared to have no limit. Gentle reader, have you ever been to a hashish party? Have you ever gorged yourself with the subtly succulent narcotic of that name? Stretched yourself out on a divan and indulged in a wild orgy of hashish paste? And then laid down again and dreamed and dreamed and dreamed of an endless and tantalizing procession of stun- ning dames, or if a dame yourself, of a regiment of mustachioed and Alpine-hatted gentleman- nikins .■' That's what happened to Zuleika. And the Tchatalja Club did it. In revenge the Irketsgrps gave a Turkish Tro- phy party with the coffin nails especially imported from the U. S. And the whole crowd of ladies smoked and smoked and smoked like a conclave of newsies, til the room was in a blue funk and they themselves just floated off into dulcet slumber. And then they had a Hookah party and a Can Can dance, and the Tchataljas came back with a s. W-. entertainment and a h. c. orgy. And then pledge day came. All night the wily wives sat up and plotted and counterplotted and discussed and planned and finally dispatched the bids to Zuleika by a pink cheeked Eunuch. Zuleika received sitting in the Sultan's The wives streamed in to hear the verdict. "\\'hich one"? they screamed making a for the coveted female. The Sultan halted them with a gesture. "Neither", he gnmted, "she belongs to frat". And they clinched again. lap. rush mv nn® nn SIRENS AGAIN WE H WITH APOLOQ-IES To ALL -STATE Af\C|+ITECTS V E WITH US Animals I have met. nn©nn Court plaster covers a multitude of sins. DD ® nn Wifie — Anyhow, a woman's mind is always cleaner than a man's. Hubby— It ought to be. It changes oftener. nn®nn A rolling stone is usually a bounder. DD ©DD "That's a rattling good auto Smith's got." "A good rattling auto, I should say." nn®nn ODE TO LOTTA. A Beanery Ballad. Sweet Lotta was a hash house maiden In a beanery down town, Her lips were red, her face well fed, She owned a party gown. I fell in love with Lotto Admired her prune fed face, Her way I knew as I yelled "fry two"! She showed real hash house grace. Oh! now I've lost my lotta -\- a year of College cuts, Because one day I said in a jest Sweet Lotta. Lotta, lot o' doughnuts. DD® DD A frisky young rounder named Rice Wrote jokes with a good deal of spice. He remarked with a grin, "I know it's a sin, But I'd rather be naughty than nice." nn®nn POMMERY SEE. "Remember that new song we heard at the cabaret last night ; it's been running through my thoughts all day." "Floating, I should say." DD® DD "I'm proud to call Larry my friend, he's a corkin' good fellow.'' "If you had seen him at the club the other night you'd thought he was an uncorking good fellow." nn®nn A rough sketch. 16 HIGH COST OF LIVING. George — "Whoop" I Me for the burlesque show to- night. Jene — ,\h, .save your money and read the Cosmopol- itan. nn©nn nn®nn A hair in the head is worth three in the butter. It's an ill wind that blows from the stock yards. 17 Out of the Mouths of Babes. It isn't the vote the suffragettes want, it's the Some fellows take bichloride of mercury. Others voter. smoke stogies. nn®nn nn®nn With only the lone necessities the campers started out. 18 LETTERS OF A JAPANESE SCHOOL BOY. By Wallace Hairpin. Dear Hon. Mr. Editor. — Since I last seen you I have had a exceedingly marathon experience. I have matriculated in the Universitv of jlli- noy. It is a feet to be proud of, I insure you. So soon as I got here I inquired about registratiug. 1 Ion. Friend Proffessor reform me that everything is did to make it easy for the Students, but advice me to arise early that morning so that I may occupy near first of line. I do ac- cordingly. At fore ay em I arrive at building, and win fast race with nother student for 200 and elleventh place in line. Then I await on my two feet, one at a time, restless. .At eight o'clock the door open an line start forward inch by inch once in a while. Finally I arrive by the desk at ten owe clock. I am required to give my name lo or 9 times before fierce man there understand. At last he lay down his pen and "Banzai!" think I, "I am register". Mr. Ed- itor, I am mistook. I am worse than mistook, I am a fresh- man for true. Hon. man hand me long roll of paper. "Wait". I demonstrate, "I am wishing to be in Agriculture, not paper hanging". He reply angerly and push me toward desk. Then I look at paper, an find I must be a scribe. Hon. Editor, did you ever see one of those pieces of paper. The inflammation desired is coUosus. I return to desk and require of Hon. Man please to excuse me while I write to my home for the Family Album, A Map of Nippon, ilu: parental blessing and a dose of opium. "Mutt," he corrode, "is it that you are unable to answer a few simple questions ?" I deny but state that aiu unprepare for this entrance exam- ination in history and mathematics. However. I grit my teeth in my mouth, and start to work. The history I wrote I intend to publish when I have become great. But that is only half all. The classes come in sections which must be carefullv sellected. I wished to have them all at once an nn ® nn FOOT HALL TF.R^L That irresolute iiioiiient when licroism loses its charm. have them over with but Hon. \Man object with deri-ive laugh. Two professors and three other students helping me. I have mixed my own medicine. Bv that time ilie day is night. Xext day 1 spent in getting slips signed by Hon. I'rof- fessors. At five that aft. all I have to be done is to pay 47 dollars and 59 scents to the University. Banzai ! Hon. Editor, I am register. I have accomplished feet siiuilar to that of Hon. \\'alker Weston and Hon. Ridpath. But in consequent I am a fisical and luental reck. Hoping you are the same, Vours truly, H.\SHE.\TI MoRO. Three Down, One to Go. WANTED Watches That Won't Keep Time Yes, we want you to bring us your watch that won't keep time and let us look at it and tell you the reason it won't, and the cost to have it put in first-class condition. No matter how fine a movement you have, we will be able to put it in good shape. We also take pleasure in calling your attention to our engraving department. We carry a line of exclusive fine stationery. Estimates and samples upon request. RAY. L. BOWMAN WALKER OPERA HOUSE A good store in a good town, where the quality is always the best. 19 WATCH THIS PAGE FOR THE COMING DANCES ORANGE 6 BLUE Oct. 18 Nov 29 Jan. 17 Jan. 30 Feb. 7 Apr. 11 May 30 CRYSTAL Oct. 25 Nov. 21 Jan. 17 ONYX Oct. 3 Nov. 1 Dec. 13 Jan. 16 Feb. 21 May 15 VARSITY Oct. 4 Nov. 8 Jan. 24 Feb. 28 Mar. 14 April 18 MAKE YOUR DATES EARLY THE SIREN By the brink of the billowing, blustery sea A matchless mermaiden is waiting for me. Is waiting for me with a glint in her eye, As she softly rehearses her stock lullaby. And ponders in peace how the song she will sing Will torture my wits by the charm of the thing And lead me, immanned, to her sisterly chorus. Who live in a tuanner decorously porous. And smother their victim in mythical style With a very short song and a very long smile. Imiuodest mermaiden, so decolletee. Cease to resemble a farce on Broadway J Hgw Shop Second door north of Swannell's Drug Store HICKORY COURT MEN'S AND WOMEN'S LADIES' HIGH GRADE FURNISHINGS. FOOTWEAR. EVERYTHING STUDENTS' SHOES A SPECIALTY. FOR EVERY CO-ED. HIGHEST QUALITY STYLE, AND PLEASING ECONOMY PRICES. AND SATISFACTION THE OLD MELROSE. Yep, same people who used to be in the Arcaide In your typical, topical, tropical way For the lay that you lilt has no siren's soft lure Since the vaudeville favorites started on tour. And any soubrette with a Gallacized name Puts your voice to the blush and your costume to shame. And yet you might lure me — I mean on Broadway — If the diving girl stunt weren't a trifle passe. —H. H.. Life. Student (entering a face massage) — Gad! That towel was hot! Houston Barber — I'm sorry, but I couldn't hold it any longer. — Pennsylvania Punch Bozvl. All The New Things First Spence's new Shop of Quality on Main Street at Neil is the newest haberdashery in town: C Naturally his things are all fresh and up-to-the- very-second just now and they surely are "right". C The Spence Shop is constantly watching out for the very-very-newest of the new things and you are assured of always being able to find the smart- est things there. Emerson Spence Tailonng Haberdashery Main Street at Neil 'The Shop of Qualily" 20 T M E: S I R. E n ~-hiiix. Why does a package of Fatimas remind you of kisses? 'Cause after you get the first one, the rest come e:isy.— Wisconsin Sham. The Chester Transfer Co. SOLICITS YOUR Baggage, Livery and Carriage Work REMINGTON Means Typewriters Remington, Monarch and Sm/f/i Premier Machines QUALITY and SERVICE These are the two factors of Remington Type- writer Supremacy. Remington Quality is in the machine; Remington Service is back of the machine. The one goes with the sale; the other follows the sale. And both are essential to the permanent satisfaction of the typewrit- er user. Remington Service goes ei^erywhere and it cov- ers everything. Whatever your need in the type- writer service line, whether ribbons, carbons, inspec- tions, adjustments, rentals or orperators, the means to supply that need are bound to be close if your mach- ine is a REMINGTON J. H. NIEMANN, Local Representative n H.U St. Champaign. III. Bell 445 21 Qje.1 J^5,8vJl Chicago's Finest Hotel The central location, perfect service, excel' lent equipment, luxurious furnishings and home'like atmosphere make Hotel LaSalle the most popular hotel in Chicago. Whether you come to Chicago on pleas- ure or on business you v\'ill find Hotel La Salle the ideal place to stay. It's easiest to reach — and closest to every place you want to go — Theatres, Public Buildings, Shopping Streets, Financial and Business Districts lie at its very door. Hotel La Salle gives more for the price you pay than any other hotel in Chicago. Everybody Likes Hotel La Salle KATES: One Person Koom with detached bath P\Oom with private bath Two Persons P^oom vA/ith detached bath Koom vjiib private bath Two Connecting Rooms with Bath Per Day Per Day $2 to $3 $3 to $5 Per Day $3 to $5 $5 to $8 Tvv'O Persons Four Persons $5 $8to$l5 Salle at Madison Street, Ernest J. Stevens, Vice President and Manager Bleary Willie — What's a nom de plume, pard? Bilious Bill — A sort of "pen" name, I guess. B. W. — Gosh ! Then 2001 was my nom de phmic in Sing Sine, eh? — Michitjan Gargoyle. Professor — You say you are engaged in some original research. Upon what subject? Sophomore — I am trying to discover why the ink won't flow from my fountain pen unless I place it in an upright position in the pocket of a light fancy vest. — Chicago A'ews. M.VrKI.\K)XI.\L .\R1T1LMET1C ARROW SHIRTS Note the styles, enjoy the comfort and test the quality that an Arrow label assures in shirts. ^j cq ^/, CLUETT, PEABODY & CO., Inc.. Troy, N. Y. Makers of Arrow Collars Said Xed to Tom, " 'Tis cheap to wed, For two are one, when people marry." "I know," said Tom ; "but look here, Ned, There may be one or more to carry !'' -D-i -Judge. A HORSE OX YOU 1 know a young creature named Mabel ; (Xo— this isn't that table-leg fable) Mabel kicks rather high — You locked shocked, but not I — I feel her each day at the stable ! — Jack-o-Lantcni. WHEN YOU TRAVEL TAKE THE UUnois Traction System Mckinley lines ^T Clean, Comfortable, Frequent, Convenient, Safe /AUTOMATIC BLOCK SIGNALS Protect all Train Movements When You Go Home Ride the ''ROAD OF GOOD SERVICE'' BILL ROYSDON Billiard Hall Over Zeke's Cafeteria LUCK. Miss Snowflake — Does yo' believe in wishbones? Mr. Jackson — W'y, it's a sign ob exceptional luck to liab a fresh one in yoali pocket every day of two. — Puck. Hanky — I've had by pictures taken. Panky — Got the proofs? Hanky — No, you'll have to take my word for it. — yusiness gets so heavy that you can't write fast enough, why hire a stenographer. Xow let us give you a suggestion. It will cost you the same price, any typewriter you rent. Old and new. good, bad and indifferent, all one price, any place you go. Why not get a standard L. C. Smith direct from the factory. We have a large supply, all cleaned and oiled. Telephone and we will deliver one immediately. Schedule of Prices One Month - Three Months Nine Months $ 2.75 7.50 20.00 If you decide to purchase, we'll refund the three months rent. Smiths than anv other make. The L'niversit\- of Illinois uses more L, C. BILL NYE and DOC COCKRELL 205 Grei'x .-Vvp:. 25 .Auto 1487 STUDENTS WI\TCH REPJ\IRING OUR SPECIALTY No Disappointments. Keasonalile charges and all work done when promised. COLLEGE JEWELRY Also U. of I. Souvenirs of all kinds. Largest line in the oitv. CHAS. MAURER, Jeweler 1st door south Walker and MuUikens SMITH'S EATS The Best in Two Cities ME/kL TICKETS $5.00 worth of eats for $4,50. EAT WHAT YOU WILL WHEN YOU WILL. Our only specialty is GOOD FOOD Two doors south of the Co-Op pr\ Wright Street. EXCHANGES She (suspiciously) — You kiss as though you were an old hand at it. He (suspiciously) — How do you know? — Boston Globe. The wages of gin is breath. — Pelican. Dean — Your case is hopeless. Lean — I know that they are all empties, hut perhaps we can get a rebate. — .Sham. They say that Cupid strikes the match that sets the world aglow — But where does Cupid strike the match, that's what I'd like to know. — Widozv. Is that your ladder? Sure. It doesn't look like yours. Well, you see, it's my step-ladder.— Phc- /"/r Core. A friend in need is a friend to avoid. — IV Crabbe. FUNNY. A boy who draws funny pictures of the teacher on the blackboard affords an early illustration of how it is possible for a genius to be very foolish. — Washington Star. "Say, bo, who's your friend?" "Opera star." "Let's hitch our wagon to it." — Pelican. "I Gotch you," murmured Rudolph as he softly encircled the fair Louise in a half- Nelson. — Coyote. .•\rf you two particular friends? No — if we were particular we wouldn't lie friends. — Aii. I R. E W A Nice Rin^ Display Is an interesting thing to look at It represents beauty in a particularly pleasing style. We have a ring display here just now that will appeal to all lovers of rare gems. The settings are the newest and the gem combinations are the most harmonious and beautiful we think we ever saw. We invite the ladies especially to make us a visit of inspection. A description here is impossible. Weusteman Jeweler of Champaign Spalding & Quirk 2 Drug Stores Red Cross Store Green St. Pharmacy 59 N. Neil 6th and Green Exclusive Druggists Y OU KNOW Where Smith's Jeivelry Store is on N.Neil St., just north of the Gazette .' B UT its the first door north where you get those Mighty Good Shoes --Newest Styles too--at the popu- lar prices, $3.00 and $3.50 SWEARINGEN'S SHOE STORE 76 N. Neil St. CHAMPAIGN GOING SOME Stagehand — They say this tragedy is very sad. Super — Vcs, at tlie first performance even tlie seats were in tiers. STINGY "Even after ue are married," wooed tlu: ardent lover, "1 shall ;d\vays be close to yon." .\nd lie was. — Chu/^paral. SHE KNEW Fashionable Lady — Give me five yards of this goods, please. Clerk — But niadame will net need more than half a yard for a veil. [•"ashionable Lady — I don't want it for a veil. I want it for a dinner gown. — Clia/'- fari-itl. THEY ONLY WE.\R ONE NOW The Dame — How' funny. This novel says "She picked up her skirts and ran." The Dub — What's funny about that? The Dame — It ought to be "She picked up her skirt and tried to run." — Chaf>fiallji inuiteb to spcnb gour spare time at tite JJclxt Billmr^ ^arlnrs lotatcb in tlic ol^ Dining #l|op of tlje ^ra&lcy Arcaftc 'Site JFincst little ^arlnr in the Sffate of iUlinoia We hope for uour patronaiie 31 ; Jiff ^/«lSf^ ^Zir=^ ^ ^^''<^= s ^^ --^ ?=sai;i^w The Bond Street Englisli Clotliiers LONDON Old Bond Street PHRIS Rue De La Paix NEW YORK CITY 215 tth Ave. Importing Office: TOLEDO, OHIO, U. S. A. Winter Styles Now Ready in Clothing, Furnishings Sporting and Motor Garments Jackets and Sweaters Ballymede Overcoats, Hockey Coats Scotch and Irish Tweed Suitings Mackinaws and Cravanets Representative Mr. Compton will be at the Beardsley Hotel, Nov. 1st SMART KID. Kid — How old is that lamp, ma? Ma — Oh, about three years. Kid — Turn it down. It's too young to smoke. — Pe}iiisyk'aiiia Pniicli Bowl. B B B B Fred — I saw Louise at the theater. Jack — Dressed in the height of fashion, I suppose. Fred — Can't say that. Styles seem to be dropping off a bit. — Pennsylvania Punch Bonit. Y. M. C. A. Barbershop E. F. Gaston Prop. Our Newest Lot of Artistic Picture Frames Now on Exhibition Strauch KodaklFinishing Shop Aboiv Co-op. Phone Auto 2218 CALDWE.LL BUILDING. CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS. The place to buy study Lamps 32 €L The Wooden Indian has sold many cigars. For generations he was the authorized disciple of *'Lady Nicotine." Today he is obsolete. CL The Humidore, associated with the care of expert tobacconists, have driven him into obscurity. CL We have cigars, cigarettes, and to- baccos, all under the direct attention of an expert. Tkc CO-OP 33 X.-M IB. /to ^E^ ■ft ;.■. ;«i %m THE E 5 A M E Another Phase of the Eternal Question. There is one thing you have to give the cannilial creiht for, and that is that he is very fond of children. nn®nn "Jones' friends hawled him out for not heiiig elected to membership in the Delmar Club." "Yes, and his enemies blacklialled him out." DD ® DD A CASE OF EQUALITY. Quizz— I say, old man, can you tell me why women never wear slits on the left side of their skirts? Bizz— That's simple, my boy; ladies always wear their slits on the side they are able to show their "rights." DD ® nn B. V. D. He— How do you like the "International Rag"? She — How dare you, sir! I've only seen their ad- vertisement. nn©nn George— You say that you like Spring better than Fall— what can you see in Spring? Herbert — X-ray skirts. nn®nn A SIREN BEAUTY HINT. If studies account For th' state of your looks, Grow handsome, my boy, To Hell with the books!! nn®nn ON HIS VACATION. The old blind man of Tilitz Is off on begging for bits. But watches with smiles The latest in styles That's out in X-rays and slits. nn®nn Tres Moutrard 46 "We had a ripping good time last night." "So I thought. I saw you tearing down the boule- vard at si.xty miles an hour." nn©nn ■"I understand that he's one of the city's most prom- ising young men." ■"He is, but his promises never materialize." nn® nn Xewl\-wed — ^I know a man who can tell by the bumps on your head what kind of a man you are. Henpecked Hubby — .Anyone can tell what kind of a wife I have by the bumps on my head. nn®nn AFTER SHE HAD PROMISED. She — Have you ever had any insanity in your family? He — Xo, father would not stand for the expense of an alienist expert, and so when I sowed my wild oats, mother had to explain it to the neighbors as just plain darned foolishness. DQ ® nn THERE'S A REASON. Dubb — Why is it distasteful to you to see a lady satisfy her thirst at one of those new sanitary- fountains? Glubb — Why, man, why? It's because I hate to see a woman stoop to drink. nn®nn The Salamander. A Schlitz Girt'. nn®na HOW IT'S DONE. Don't you think that your "chicken" joke is getting too old to spring again? I do. But how do you expect to get it over, then? Oh, pullet. nn®nn A MID-SUMMER'S TALE. "I met a girl in Nevado, She wore a gown so bad, oh, 'Twas so thin, by gun. If she stood in th' sun. It wouldn't appear on her shadow." nn ® nn A FROSH. Most every freshman is dumb, But the one whose head is the thickest Is the one who wanted a coupon book And asked for a season ticket. nn®nn Divorce is the only life boat that is carried by the old ship Matrimony. nn®nn "li I should die would you marry again?" "Perhaps, if the trap was set differently." 47 XME 3IR-EM AT THE GAME. Fulton took something that didn't agree with him. nn® nn AN OBITUARY. Here lies our wife, Samantha Proctor, Who ketched a cold and wouldn't doctor. She could not stay, she had to go, — Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Binks — Understand that little blonde got your number? Jinks — Yep! she called up "Information." nn ® nn "Let's go out and play tennis." "Can't do it ; wrenched my knee and I won't be able to play for two weeks." "But T only want you to play for two hours." nn ® nn NUMBER 9 SANDPAPER. Prof — How many grains do you think there are to the square inch ? Stude — ^Roughly — about ten thousand. nn ® nn "Who's that striking woman?" "Dunno ; she was just arrested for beating her hus- band." nn©nn General — Did you get any pointers on the enemy's lines? Scout — Pointers ? Sev'ral — bayonets ! Billy Flea, golf enthusiast — Too many hazards on this Lynx. 48 \^ TO THE G-AM E EXIT Whose time is it this time? "The women have always been determined to throw oflf the yoke." "Ves. Look at the decollette gown.'' nn©nn Sue — Isn't Algy a perfect tango dancer? Bess — Yes, indeed; he won all of the Turkish Trophies for Turkey Trotting. DD © DD "What is his caliber?" "Mental?" "Yes." "Well, he's a member of the class of '17, but 1 think his caliber is '22. an ® nn Jinks — Did he heed the "Back to Nature" call? Jenks — He must have ; he had an unsuccessful career as a wrestler. nn® DD "Why is it that medical fees are so low in this town?'' "Oh, the doctors are continually knifing each other." nn © nn "MOTHER, I AM YOUR SON." "Mother, may i go and play In a real football game?" "Yes, my boy, but this I pray. You must repeat your name, When they bring you back today Your face won't be the same; Mother won't know what to say Unless you prove her claim." hacts About Mythology: the Snakes. or Why Lacoon Saw 49 WORRY. Worry is the one common ailment of humanity. The new born babe worries lest he be left alone and his cries bring the whole household to him. They are worrying lest he be sick. All through life he will have something to worry about. And he will be the chief worry of his parents. The more the business man has to worry about the larger the estate he will leave to his children. Why is it that worry is so prevalent? The struggling poet worried lest he would starve, and by the time he had secured the necessary cash to purchase a meal he became ill. The doc- tor told him he had contracted dyspepsia from constant worrying. And then he cculdn't eat. But we all must have something to worry about, even to the old maid whose chief care is to see that the cat is put out at night. The prob- lem then is to do our worrying the most effec- tively. To accomplish this end I propose to or- ganize a Worry Club. First of all, do not con- fuse this with a Don't Worry Club. This is dis- tinctly a worry club. The object will be to worry and get the most out of it. Everyone will be eligible. The members will devote one hour each day to worrying. Select a suitable hour and then confine all of your worrying to that hour. You will find that you can do more worrying and obtain better results if you do it all at once. Then if some one comes to you with a hard luck story or a query about the possible cham- pionship, tell them to come back at this scheduled hour and you will worry about it then. This will develope system, and save your other hours for your duties. When you find that you do not re- quire an hour to complete your worrying you have become more efficient and need only to set aside half an hour. Soon you will need only fifteen minutes and then five, until you will be free from worry entirely. At this point you be- come an honorary member of the Club and you retire to let someone else take your place. When you become an honorary member you pay your membership fee of one hundred dollars into the club treasury which fund will be used to wipe the curse of worry from ofif the world. Will you join the club? We invite you to mem- bership. It will cure you of worrying, and you need it because right now you aie worrying where that hundred dollars is going to come from. nn ® an SHOOTING TERM C.Mol'l"^^''-'' Taking a Swallow on the Wing. 50 fe *•" Zup7 THE BALLAD OF MIKE McCALL. There came a brawny Irishman To a college town one fall He wanted to be a smart C. E. And squint through a transit tall. He wandered by the football field, The coach was looking grim. Then rubbed his eyes, "Ha! Ha! — a prize I'll make a guard of him.'' (Continued on Page .'J2) WANTED Watches That Won't Keep Time Yes, we want you to bring us your watch that won't keep time and let us look at it and tell you the reason it won't, and the cost to have it put in first-class condition. No matter how fine a movement you have, we will be able to put it in good shape. We also take pleasure m calling your attention to our engraving department. We carry a line of exclusive fine stationery. Estimates and samples upon request. RAY. L. BOWMAN WALKER OPERA HOUSE fl good store in a good lown, where the quality is always the best. 51 /'l^S - T "" ^ J " ""^/L^f^^. ' -"^^ ^-:--- !■ -_- -_-^^Ti.. — ^~x-i0fff^..^'mm'M.M. WATCH THIS PAGE FOR THE COMING DANCES ORANGE 6 BLUE Oct. 18 Nov. 29 Jan. 17 Jan. 30 CRYSTAL Nov. 14 Jan. 17 ONYX GRIDIRON VARSITY Oct. 3 Nov. 22 Oct. 4 Nov. 1 Jan. 9 Nov. 8 Dec. 13 Mar. 14 Jan. 24 Jan. 16 May 9 Feb. 28 Apr. 11 May 30 Feb. 21 May 30 Mar. 14 May 16 April 18 MAKE YOUR DATES EARLY THE BALLAD OF MIKE McCALL. (Continued from Page 51) They dressed him in a padded suit, And taught him about the game, Said he "If McCall can't play football It will surely be a shame." He proved to be a terror, And made the rest look tame. Said the coach to the cap, "He sure can scrap, Hold him out till the last big game." That last game was terrific. The field was red with gore. Cried the captain "Quick! bring on the mick, We cannot let them score." So they brought him from his hiding And placed him near the ball, So big was he, no one could see The rest of the players at all. The opposing halfback started For a run around the end, Then cried McCall, "Give up that ball, If you want to stay my friend." The runner though, came grimly on But he reckoned without his hosts. Mike picked up the ball, with the halfback tall. And booted them over the posts! Hurrah! the next instant the time was up, Mike's kick had won the game. And his famous shoe is still on view, In that college hall of fame. All The New Things First Spence's new Shop of Quality on Main Street at Neil is the newest haberdashery in town. C Naturally his things are all fresh and up-to-the- very-second just now and they surely are "right". C The Spence Shop is constantly watching out for the very-very-newest of the new things and you are assured of always being able to find the smart- est things there. Emerson Spence Tailoring Haberdashery Main Street at Neil "The Shop of Qualily" HAVE YOUR Dance Programs Printed At the place where they know how The Urbana Courier Co. opposite the Post Office "Ask Frailey — He Knows." 52 Old No. 21 Main St Champaign, III. New No. 1008 Main St. The Chester Transfer Co. SOLICITS YOUR Baggage, Livery and Carriage Work We Rent Visible Remingtons Visible Smith Premiers Visible Monarchs TFRIvm- \^ ^-00 for one month ' ( $1 5.00 for six months Machines in first-class condition. Sent anywhere Remington Typewriter Company vint'orporated] 404 East Monroe St., I, O. O- F Bldg. Springfield, 111. J. H. NIEMANN, .Ir. Local Representative 77 Neil St. Bell phone 448 Tell the deal- Van Pay er you want j^^ Lewis' Single For |J5S Binder cigars l^^^ liMfwti' --— ; Not Annual Sales ^'' U,000,000 a '^'""' year proves good quality Mild Quality That Never Varies STRAIGHT UP "They say he's a fine, upstanding fellow." "]'"very bar within a radius of a mile of here knows it !" — Judije. .-\T THE SEA SHORE Slie — Do you like the rag? He (after a critical survey) — Ves. what there is of it. — The Pelican. QUESTIONS When .Xdam delved and Eve span. Who was then the gentleman ? When Eve toiled and .Adam sweat, Who was then tlie sufTragette? — Biff. New High-Art Pictures Mounts Cupids Madonnas Heads Landscapes Hand Colored — Beauties— Very Low Prices MUNHALL PRINTING HOUSE Champaign, 111. 53 X M B. ,S 1 R. E. Of e.1 Xg I IE. E I JM 'Mlf^^zK-^^-^'^^'-^^ .^ EMPIRE Steam Laundry 103 West University A.ve. SHAW 6 PLOTNER BROS., Props. Telephones: Home 1392; Bell 748 Champaign Steam Laundry Monroe & Keusink Bros., Proprietors Home P/ioiie 1115 Bdi Phone 897 28 N. Neil Street, Opposite Walker Opera House o N the square, assembly, if a girl wants to just land me right smack dab into the boat, if she wants to hypnotize me and make me feel like a million dollars, all she has to do is to subtly suggest (good stuff, that) that we ooze into Harris and Mead's and try to make nothing out of a li'l ol' lunch or a 'choklit dubble'. Ma-a-a-n that's enough to mesmerize a second dynasty sphynx. Ho-hum, I certainly should ' bibble". 58 X JM E: m 'igs="^-^^a.^ R E JH =^^ ^— i-'ESJ ^gKL^iUL. Student's Smile W.hen calling at Maurer's Jewelry Store on Neil St. and see the New Stuff and the reasonable prices. Waldemar Chains and Santoir Chains, Link Buttons, Scarf Pins, Tie Clasps, Watch Fobs, College Pins and Souvenirs all kinds. Charlie will treat you right — come. CHAS. MAURER, Jeweler Next roor Elk Billiard Hall Before your dance try the Beardsleys 6 o'clock dinners in our private din- ing room. BE/\RDSLEY HOTEL Champaign, III. NEW CURE Country Lady (after descending the Woolworth Tower) — Mercy, how these fast elevators do take one's breath away ! Saturated Sam (who must soon return to his uxorial roof) — Me for the — hie — elevator. — Jack-o'-Lanterii. Boaster — I am a self-made man, I am. Roaster — Well, there's one thing you needn't worry about. Boaster— What's that ? Roaster — Taking out a patent. — 77!C Pathfinder. Young Doctor's Wife— Oh, Jack, just fancy! There's a patient in the sitting room. Young Doctor — .Ml right, dear. I won't be a moment. Just run and lock him in. — Life. AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION She — Oh, dear ! I forgot to wind my ankle watch I He — Allow me — er — that — is — did you? — Judge. Ecks — Saw a young woman with an X- ray skirt this morning and I looked the other way when she came between me and the sun. What would you have done under the circumstances? Ray — Same as you did, you d — — liar !" — Jack-o'-Laniern. Willie — What's a vision of bliss? Bill — .\n X-ray skirt. — Jack-o'-Latitcrn. She — Do you know why a sober, sensi- ble man is always ready to strike a poor, harmless snake? He — Perhaps because they can never hit the snake, except when they arc sober. — Jack-o'-Lanlerii. Sims — They serve such bad beer there. Dims — Rats There isn't any bad beer. Some is just better than others. — Piiiuli Bowl. THE WHITE SHOP CLEANING and PRESSING Suits caHed for and delivered. Calls answered promptly Work done correctly Delivenes made on time Phone Bell 1237 118 S. Race St. URBANA Whenever you are in need of Special Sizes in Rugs or special work in Picture Framing, or anything at all in Furniture call on us. The variety and quality of our Library Furniture speaks volumes in it's favor. Mittendorf 6 Kiler Furniture, Carpets, Rugs, Lin- oleums, Picture Framers, Undertakers 59 H. L Renne Photographer 208 North Eleventh St. Champaign, Illinois Metzler & Schafer UO. Wholesale Grocers 43-45 MAIN STREET Champaign, Illinois URBAN A STEAM WHITE, PROPRIETOR LAUNDRY student Agent, NICHOLS student Agent, AUTEN First Stude— What makes that red spot on your nose? Second Stewed — Glasses. First Stude — Glasses of what? — Purple Cow. FLOWER S Vt Biggest Variety Best Quality Lowest Prices To see fhem is to buy them Call at GUS JOHNSON'S or phone in your order Spring'field avenue and Fifth Street ON THE CAR LINE Bell 1179 Auto 1471 HOW HE KNEW "No," complained the Scotch professor to his students; "ye dinna use your facul- ties ri observation. Ye dinna use them. I'^or instance — Picking up a jar of chemicals of vile odor he stuck one finger into it and then into his mouth. "Taste it, gentlemen !" he cummanded, as he passed the vessel from student to student. .'\fter each one had licked his finger, and liad felt rebellion through his whole soul, the cild professor exclaimed triumphantly: "I tol' ye so. Ye dinna use your facul- ties. \'o\' if ye had obsarved ye would ha- seen Ihat the finger I stuck into the jar was line the finger I stuck into my mouth." — Liidics' lliiiuc Joiiinal. DISQU.ALIFIED Mrs. McCarthy — An' phwat does your son Teddy be dcin' now. Mrs. Flynn ? Mrs. Flynn — He's doin' toinie, Mrs. Mc- Carty ; — but it's not his fault that lie's a pickpocket, poor bye! 1 hey won't let him on the peerleece foorse on account of his lungs. — Puck. Joe — I've got a chicken frnni lumie over in my room ; come along. Gish — What's her name? — Princeton Tiger. 60 Fond Mamma — They say Sylvia's arms are so well shaped because I have made her do a great deal of sweeping. Chemist (trying to make a hit) — Does she walk much, Mrs. Ridgeley? Exit Sylvia. — Pennsylvania Punch Bozvl. OBITUARY He had just been placed on probation for the third time. "But, Dean," he said earnestly, "I ant trying." "Yes," said the Dean, as he opened the door, "very!" — Laiiipoon. HIS EXPLANATION Boss (meeting clerk at ball game) — How is this, Perkins? You asked off to go to a funeral. Clerk — Yes, sir; that's what it's been for the home team. — Boston Transcript. Willie — What made the tower of Pisa lean? Billie — Why-er, it was built in time of famine. — Chapparral. I SHOULD SMILE Maiden — Do you day-dream much? Man — Oh, my, yes — you see, I'm a night watchman \ A ■■\ 1^ Uju Watching the Team Good college spirit, but to help th„ time pass you need Fatima Cigarettes. 20 for 15 cents With each package of Fatima ^oa get a pennant couDon, 25 of which secure a handsome fell college pen- nant ( 12x32) —selection of 1 00. UsuiTs Yonyoung Chaps Who are keea ff r styles that are totally differ- lease, especially de- olks we want to hold ay here now. ent, undj signed for counsel wi )n Styles if len. You few ■flJMgj SUITS We WiujOive You the Smartest clothes jpfoduced in this country; smartest ma- terials; exclusively smart patterns and colors, garments equal to qustom nji^de at afeout h:i)t the usual custom prices — and you can choose from our k...^ ■ f^'"^ , exterxlcd varieties. I\ i \ r ^ulick l ailoreJ v flotlies ..*^^ 7* t We have really^anticipated the wants of the young men and in our exhibif5)o|5Big!c>fou& clothes for vij^orausvoui|g men there will be seen every conceivable new and /de luxe idea. Suppose you ask us J / ^i;;^;^!!: surely be a pleasure to do so. 6hampaiq'n.Ills, STREET ' O I Toda¥^\ Certainly — or tomorrow, if you plel^^or the next day or any old day. We will take the keenest of pleasure in showing you why this store is hdld in such high esteem by all good dresserS, Our displays are refreshing — delightful-\iriteresting; * and above all valuable to ypu. Val- uabjip in the ideas, qualities i and values. /Drop jn aim ^ , say, "«ello." U W >^^oday— now>-^ 31 NEIl. STREET „„jvi«S<""f«~>^ *^ v.\ \ 1. ropyrighied iyi3 Dy \v. C. Both." 3IR2N •VOLv-3-NO'3 HOME' COMIKG <•& a.b c L U* ^ Made-to-Measure garments are the first choice of every clever dresser. They offer the best value, the greatest comfort, and the most lasting satisfaction. "The Tailoring You Need" is made by A. E. Anderson & Company, Chicago, and is backed by a double guarantee covering the fit, materials and workmanship. The linings are guaranteed to wear as long as the suit. Why not order your Fall suit to-day? You can't invest a few dollars in anything that will bring bigger returns. Our door is open and the tape measure is ready. Come in. FRED G MARSHALL Tailoring and Furnishings Bradley Arcade, Champaign, III. LINDLEY DINING SHOP CO. Cor. Fourth and Green Champaign Streets Meals Served in Main Dining Room; Lunch Room: Lunch Counter Short Orders Tables for Ladies Dolly Varden Tea Room: Open Sunday Evenings from 5:30 to 7:00 <]f Reserved for Special Parties During the Week Banquets: Complete Equipment for Banquets, Lunch- eons, etc., served any place in the Twin Cities GOING SOME Joe — Tliey say Blitz is a speedy gent at night. King — Well I have seen him fast asleep. ARDENTLY Ruf — Do you follow the latest fashions? Tuf — D right, if they're on class. "Have you any valid reason for hanging around that convent the way you do?" "Nun." — Minnc-Ha-Ha. H. L. RENNE. Photographer 39 N. Neil Street CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS Bell 2250 Auto 2176 Dick's Place Cleaning, Pressing Repairing 6 Dyeing Ladies' and Gents' Garments "you gef everything back buf Ihe dirt" 508 East Green Street CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS ? X JM J& ^^s^ ,S I R JE n Prof.: "Define HOME-COMING." Frosh.: "Home-coming is a yearly gathering of the old students." Prof.: "What points of interest should all Home- comers visit?" Frosh.; "They should visit every building on the campus and then call at I I nVFlF'^ where they can get t'i'v 1 UL 3 POST CARDS, VIEW BOOKS and choice bits of ILLINOIS SOUVENIR JEWELRY." Prof.: " What is the most important event of Home-Coming week?" Frosh.: "Every man, woman and child should go to one of I I nVnP'C CTHPrC g^t an arm band and ILVIUL J jiUALj PENNANT, then hie to Illinois Field and help ZUPP'S 'ALL BUT ONE' team 'HAMMER THE BOILER MAKERS.'" Prof.: "You certainly have the right spirit. I'll remember you on Exam. day. " NOW RUNNNIG The Arcade Billiard Parlor EVERYTHING SUPERFINE The Only Cheap Thing Is the Prices Tobacco Cigarettes Cigars WE WOULD BE Pleased to Meet You DEWEY and ROCKSIE Father (visiting at college) — My son, these arc better cigars than 1 can afford. Son — That's all right, father ; take all you want ; this is on me. — }'alr Record. Announcer — The bar in the pole vault now stands at ten feet. X'oice from the Grandstand — I'm glad every bar doesn't stand that high. — Yiilc Record. First Frosh — Did you ever look thru an X-Ray? Second Frosh — Well, I passed one on the street yesterday. — I'lic ]]'tdow. A CONVENIENT PLACE 10 MEEr YOUR FRIENDS Y. M. C. A. BARBER SHOP YOUR PATRONAGE SOLICITED E. P. Gaston, Prop. Gl The Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company of MILWAUKEE Is an "OLD TIMER" We want every Illinois Man to know that our office is at his service. TO OLD TIMERS Come in and see us. Talk over your adventures and experiences. Our office, Stationery, type-writers, stamps and cigars are yours. We want to see you. BUSINESS PROPOSITION DOES ADVERTISING PAY? ???????? q The resident indent body comprises: male. 3,500; female, 800. THE NORTHWESTERN insures men only, from the age of 16 to 60 years. Presumably 7,000 men attended the U. of I. from Feb. 1^, 191 1, to Nov. 1 5th, 1913. How many of these men have insured in the NORTHWESTERN during this time? ^ I will pay TEN DOLLARS to any Audent or faculty member who guesses closed to the corredt number. Detach and mail the attached coupon. The name of the lucky guesser will be published in the next issue of this paper. ^ AH answers must be in by December 1^, 1913. F. R. SMEDLEY, District Agent First National Bank Bldg. Champaign, III. Name Address My Guess is_ 62 X M E s I li e iH. SIXTH noiiE-coumG WUESTEMAN The JEWELER Invites you to come in, get a sou- venir of the occasion and see the glittering display of Jewelerv and kindred lines. Specials for liome - Coming $1.75 Fraternity and Sorority Plates with Greek Letters in 24 carat gold at . . . %Sc each WUESTEMAN JEWELER of CHAMPAIGN PROGRAM for riome - Coming week WARM WANTS COLD DESIRES f Hot Coffee and Sandwiches ' Hot Chocolates, Doughnuts and Cakes I^Hot Bouillons, Wafers f Famous Bradley- Bostons -( Fruit Sundaes, Ice Cream Divers Fountain Drinks PLEASANT INTERIMS— A Bradley Date ARCADE Across from the Date Factory. K.eep Your Eye ON KANDY'S Barter bnops Green Avenue University Place DID YOU KNOW THIS? He — Did you know that turning down the gas saves matches? She — Xo, but turning down the gas often makes matches. Editor's Xote — Turning off an electric light often causes spark- ing. Turning off a gas light causes an increase of pressure. An increase of pressure causes a lessening of the waste. — Lehigh Burr. "Don't you know. Emily, that it is not proper for you to turn around and look after a gentleman?'' "But, mamma, I was only looking to see if he was looking to see if I was looking.'" — Fliegendc Blactter. Home-Made Pure Food Candies Soft drinks of all kinds. Every day is visitors' day in the Candy Kitchen at SOL REIMUND Over in Urbana AGENT FOR THE VICTOR 63 X M E. >s I K. :ie . Spalding & Quirk 2 Drug Stores Red Cross Store 59 N. Neil Green St. Pharmacy 6th and Green Exclusive Druggists Bell ( 1037 I 1038 TELEPHONES Automatic \ nn HEGENBART CO. GROCERIES ^ WHOLlSPtLt AND RETAIL H. & D, FLOUR '19 LB. SACK FOR $1.25 ive guarantee //.is Hour 10 give absolute sah'sfach'on or we will refund your money. When in need of Groceries give us a (rial. PROMPT DUIVERY. JOI and r03 North Neil St. CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS HARD LUCK Quizzer — What's the matter, old man? You look worried. Sizzer — I have cause to. I engaged a man to trace my pedigree. Quizzer — Well, what's the trouble? Hasn't he been successful? Sizzer — Successful ! I should say he has ! I'm paying him hush- money. — Yale Record. Percy — I had a sausage for breakfast and one end of it was full of sawdust. Algy — Result of Iiard times. Percy — How? Algy — Hard to make both ends meat. — The Orange Peel. SMITHS The reasonable place to buy Hamilton, Howard, Elgin and Waltham Watches, Pairpoint Cut Glass, Seth Thomas Clocks, Ah'in Stiver, and all the leading and best feiiou'ii lines of Solid Gold and Gold Filled Jewelry. Remember this is the store that sells the Perject Diamonds. IN OUR SHOP we do Watch, Clock and Jeivel- ry repairing, diamond setting, engraving, and make wedding rings. GRADUATE OPTICIANS Opposite (East) Beardsley CHAMPAIGN FLOWER S \ Biggest Variety Best Quality Lowest Prices To see them is to buy them Call at GUS JOHNSON'S or phone in your order Spring'fieid avenue and Fifth Street ON THE CAR LINE Bell 1179 Auto I47I 64 The Boys are Getting "Hep" To the fact that Scott Sells Some Sodas and Candies SCOTT'S SODAS 2 Doors North of Lyric THE 31 U EiH "It Does Us Good 99 ^ To see the Illini of the for- mer days return. ^ We are not mercenary m this. ^ Our happiness is in no way dependent on your purchases. ^ We are just glad you came ---for we too, are of the tribe of Illini. The CO-OP. 65 X M E -<^-^="*^^- MOLL and His HENDERSON JJveryone, of course, enjoys — and should have — the fresh ]y[orning air to ginger up, — to start the day right,- ]y[otorcycIing, aboard the HENDERSON, will do the trick! Qnly Motorcycle built that you would ride. Let us demonstrate to you. — and show you a Motorcycle as Light and smooth-running as a watch. ghe is silent, durable, comfortable and speedy. JJvery machine absolutely guaranteed in all respects. Let us show you the FOUR CLYINDER advantages; Look at the flexibility and power of a highly developed engine! game proposition exactly as the high class automobile. The HENDERSON is the one you will be proud to ride: JJike right out! Open 'er up! And it doesn't sound like the ARTILLERY had cut loose either. JJvery rider is happy with his Henderson. JJow exhilarating to speed along over the roads! JJither creep along at four miles, — or beat it! EIGHTY MILES an hour! JJo pedals to bend or break, but comfortable, easy footrests. Dependable construction in every particular. JJvery Henderson starts with a CRANK: — you don't have to J{,un and shove and jump and snort, — comical sight, isn't it? gimply crank up and comfortably be seated — 0" with the Gas,— and you are READY TO GO. Jfothing else like this in the Motorcycle world. 613 South Wright Street CG Old No. 21 Main St Champaign, III Tell the deal- er you want Lewis' Single Binder Annual Sales 12,000,000 a year proves good quality Rich, Mild Quality That Never Varies NO FORCE NECESSARY 1st Grad— My wife's gone to the West Indies. 2iid G. — Jamaica? 1st G. — No, — slic wanted to go. — The Orange Peel. TALES TOLD Guimpe — Why is Ella such a popular girl? Chemise— Because she keeps them all in the dark.— /,;<7.--'o- I-diiti'in. "SERVICE" is the Watchword at The Home of Hart, Schajfner & Marx Clothes C This small word has made Lowenstern's what they are. For over two score years this store has been called the 'STORE OF SERVICE." d. This service is for you, perfected by us. €1, Why not test this service ? STETSON HATS ARROW COLLARS CLUETT SHIRTS COWAN'S CRAVATS M. Lowenstern & Son URBANA ZEKE & Dyke are the cocks of the rojst when it comes to handing out the joyful victuals. They are trigger pure food cranks than old Doc Wiley, him- self. There is no danger of you're being afflicted with dyspepsis, appendicitis, or any of the "gobble" diseases when you eat at Zeke & Dyke's. "Heaven", says Elbert Hubbard, "is a condition of the stomach", and the sureway to this blissful condition is by the way of Zeke and Dyke's Cleanly Cafeteria. •t' ^ r»« ZEKE and DYKE CONSIDERABLE CAFETERIA SixtK Street off Gr Champaign, Illinois 67 Cook Bros. Two Stores 1 2 Main St. 208 Green Ave. Invite you to call at their stores and inspect their choice selection of Mens Hats and Haberdashery in connection with their beautiful array of Woolens in their Tailoring Department, and their Picadilly Overcoats in their Overcoat Department. Always choice selections. Cook Bros., Champaign When Your Appetite Has an Edge ^ Coming from class along about ten o'clock in the morning or after a lab. period in the after- noon, you often-times get so hungry that you could eat three Sunday dinners! About that time you are already headed for Harris & Mead's! ^ Everyone from Senior to Freshman knows that you cant find a better place for lunches than Harris's. A variety of good things is always m store for you. Harris & Mead, on Green Street 68 "ENOS" From '17 to '72 We drink — bottom's up to you. 69 THE FIRST HOME COMING "THE ORIGINAL HOME-COMING." The return of the Prodigal Son. W: 70 BLASE BUNK Bill Roxbury had invited Father and Mother and Sister Dorothy down for the Homecoming. For Billy was on the Team. The Big Game was on and the Roxburys were present in force. The struggle was magnificent, but at the end of the First Half Roxbury Senior nonchalantly lit a cigar and vouchafed, "Rotten game." "Yes", agreed the Fond Mother, "and William doesn't play at all well, does he?" Dorothy simply re- marked that those co-eds were the worst frights she had ever seen. Soon the playing was resumed and The Roxburys sat silently chewing a cigar or toying with a handkerchief, according to sex. As the whistle shrilled the close of the game and the crowd came swarming down over the bleachers and out of the gates, Roxbury and Family pushed their way up to the Gym door just in time to encounter the bruised and steaming Billy. "Great game. Bill, great game!" shouted the elder Roxbury. "My boy," gurgled the Proud Mother, — "my boy, how grandly you played, how grandly!" And Dorothy sidled up to him and cooed in his ear, "Oh, Billy, I have enjoyed it SO much. The thrill of the game and the huge crowd of handsome men and beautiful girls" — Smiling, Billy entered the locker room and threw his soggy jersey upon a bench. He was very happy. — The Cynic. 71 HOME-COMING- THE LEFT OVER Today, while the boys are playing the biggest game of all, A picture floats before my eyes, old memories to recall. I can hear the thundrous cheering for good old Illinois, What wouldn't I give to go back home, and just be one of the boys! Last week when Bill was over, and wanted me to come With him to see the good old school, and make the old town hum, I knew at the time I'd be sorry that I didn't heed the call To live again those good old days the dearest to me of all. — E. W. T. 72 ^ Scaltit to mm i^cn Mc'ce ilntnk to thv srliool — Hod hhss Inr — We're dritiik to the (jood old days; We've drunk to our absent hmthers Who are seattered a hundred ways: We're drunk to the youny student body; We've drunk to the dear old Dean, And here in a wee sntatl toddy, Is a toast to the days we have seen. They change the skies above them, But not the'ir hearts that roam, For we're learned of the old alumni To call "Illinois" our Iiome. We read of the Harvard spirit, Of the tliousand.s that irorsJiip her shrine. But a strong pull comes at my heart-strings When I think of that old school of mine. *S7ie has no great natural surroundings, Xo rirers nor lakes can she boast. But «• loyalty bred in each student Makes her famous from coa^t to coast. To the brotherhood then of her children. To the union of hearts erermore. To her future success and her triumph. Let us drink as in days of yore. We've drunk to the school — (lod bless her — We've drunk to the good old days; We've drunk to our absent brothers, Who are seattered a liundred ways; We've drunk as much as we're able. It's a year till we'll meet again. Last toast — and a foot on the table, A health to all 'llini men. R. E. H. (After Kipling's •'Health to the Native Born") 73 I ■ I ». 1 1 M 1 1 1 1 1 1 i-^j-y,^ o"' Ml I I ■ I I Ml I ^-rrr :«fef^v <,-.^w-^/ *';.-*^". *«-4!''^- I t/ 'C^A^.! i Editor L. W. Ramsey Associate Editor A. R. ROHLFING D. T. Carlisle BuRiLL Wright R. L. Barlow BOARD OF EDITORS Art Editor R. F. Field Staff M. O. Nathan B. Barnard C. M. Ferguson Business Manager A. C. Strong Associate Art Editor L. D. TiLTON Harky Weber V. D. Cylkowski Geo. Gill Publislied monthly during the college year by the students of the University of Illinois. Entered as second class matter, January 2, 1912, at postoffice at Champaign, 111., under Act of Congress March 3, 1879. Subscription 75c per year in advance; out of town subscriptions, $1.00; single copies, loc; special numbers, 25c. All business communications should be sent to A. C. Strong, Siren office. Communications should be sent to L. W. Ramsey, Siren office, over Harris & Mead's. ( ) YOU, dear old grads, we want to say that we shoukl like to get hold of you for a minute, while everybody is trying to welcome you to death, and bid vou make yourself at home and t)ne 01 us. We all realize what hollow mockery it is U) have "welcome, welcome everywhere and not a drop to drink." We want to forget, and we want you to forget that you have ever left this ])lace even for the shortest time. We want to believe that you have been here all the while, and that we are all going out together for a couple of ripping days of sport. Now the Union will bedeck you with Orange and Blue. Prexie will say, "In behalf of the faculty a:id the students of the University of Illinois, I extend you greetings." But the Siren asks you not to expect anything forinal of her. She wishes to flirt with you, to hear you laugh, and to have you forget that you ever had a degree. She asks you all to be undergrads again, and to be very hoarse after that gaine. 74 \LKS and smokes and eats are prom- ised us in the Armory on Friday niglit. liut will the grad of seventy- eight meet the other old grad and the iitiier old grad of seventy ditto dis- jiorting himself in the ancient drill hall, or will they be far away in the inmost sanctum of their fraternity houses cosily ensconced in a capaci- ous armchair trying out brother John's new brand of cigarettes. Can you imagine, gentle reader, how the prodigal son would have felt, had he returned to find that father was down town shooting billiards, and ma and the kids were taking in a nickel show, and nobody was home, not even the mangv- old cat? And so, O Fratres in Universitate, if j'our imagination can stretch that far, don't let the brothers of seventy-eight and umpty-steen stay at the house, but entice them, cajole them or drag them out to the smoker. Some of us are apt to forget that our best friends in the good old days of yore were not Fratres, or even Sorores, but were just the plain and unassuming barbarians who never smoked anything better than 'timas. 'Tis possible that these same barbs may now be jjiloting themselves about in a sixty horse-power buzz-wagon, and are in general more or less worth while meeting. Go down and meet them and take the other old grads along, they love you still, tho' you may have forgotten them. r a frenzied meeting where forty-seven Omars and thirty glasses of cider were consumed the Siren board carelessly allowed "Nemo" Nathan and "Barney " Barnard to slip by. Now "Xemo" is Campus Scout Emeritus and dashes off humorous couplets, their rate just within the Champaign limit. "Barnev ' is the handsome devil who has his own ideas of sirens nn©nn HAPPY DAZE 75 Mrs. Zebu — lohn says that Mr. Camel can't let drink alone for more than eight days. DD ® an The moonlight was leaking thru the vines on to the porch where she and he were gently rocking hack and forth in the swing. "Oh, Clarence, ! ! she sighed, "you surely have a mort- gage on me !" Promptly he foreclosed. nn®nn NEVERTHELESS Jamie— So you would descrilie that last kiss as el-lip- tical. Mamie — Yes, why? Jamie— Oh, I was going to say it was a durn fine kiss for the shape it was in. DD® nn "Did you hear how Chloe was made to quit her gaiety?" "No; how was she treated?" "Chloe reformed." THE EXCEPTION "Cite one example, if you can, to disprove the theory that 'a joy forever is a thing of beauty.'" "Easy." "Well, shoot." "The Tango." 76 L- THE DIFFERENCE Jene — Why is George such a graceful tango dancer? Harold — Because he learned to slide his feet along on the floor in the good old days of the two-step and waltz, when he was doing his best to keep off the ladies' feet, 77 M E R I ES He wept over his friend's bier. □ D ® an ON THE WAGON It's a long lonesome ride On the wagon. And monotonous, besides On the wagon. But you don't see cows with wings, Or a rattlesnake that stings, Or a blue bob-cat that sings, Or a grizzly bear that clings, Or a green giraffe with rings. Or a thousand other things. On the wagon. nn ® DD "Speaking of complementary objects" — "Yes"— "Well, they've established the Barber's College near the Deaf and Dumb School." nn©nn Things ain't divided right, by gum, Some loaf while others toil. Some folks get all the wine, and some Get all the castor oil. DD® DD "Why can't we have something on the house?" "We have." "What?" "A mortgage." DD ©DD With the possible exception of her tongue, woman can generally hold her own. "His actions run to the extremes." "How's that?" "Aw, he takes the liack row seat in the class room and a front row seat at the Walker.'' nn ® nn He put his arm around her waist,- The color left her cheek. But upon the shoulder of his coat I saw it for a week. 80 THE JOHN STREET PASSING SHOW THE JOHN STREET PASSING SHOW College life has many pleasures, four years quickly slip away. Dances, parties, smokers, ball games, something on most every day. I enjoy a little vod'vil and I seldom fail to go, But I find my chief enjoyment in the John street passing show. In the John street passing show, Can't you see those co-eds go. Hurrying home to get some dinner. Hardly time to say hello — In the John street passing show, Almost every one you know Comes tramping home at noon time, Be it rain or shine or snow. When the day is bright and shiny and the trees are getting bare, I hurry home at 12 o'clock and grab a front row chair. With my feet upon the railing and all nicely tilted back. I'll sit and watch the crowd go by and air my views to Mack. nn® Mack and Heine, Bill and Zeke, Possibly a freshman meek, While the crowds pour by so steady There ain't half a chance to speak. By the John street passing show Where most every one you know Comes tramping by at noon time. Be it rain or shine or snow. "Hi, there, Charlie, Come on over, don't know what we'll have for lunch." "My gosh. Heine, pipe what's coming. One like her would make a bunch. Spirit to that bright red blazer. — Naw — she ain't a bit too tall. You're darn right that girl's a dancer! — Had her to the senior ball. So I love to watch them pass, In a solid moving mass. They walk upon the side walk. In the street or on the grass. In the John street passing show. Almost every one you know, Comes tramping by at noon time. Be it rain or shine or snow. -R. E. H. DD When Greek Meets Greek 81 Art Editor — Your drawings are not deficient in humor, but they lack snap. Get something snappy next time. nn©nn ; HOME-COMING DE LUXE HE liome-comer is an ex- stude who takes advantage of the special rates to once more spend a few fleeting hours — as we poets say — nursed in the bosom of his ahna mater. Home-comers as a type , vary from the ante-bellum variety whose chief delight is to tell you of the many kind and gentle bovines he has milked on the site of the present Chem. Ijuilding to the hard man who has been absent from our midst just long enough to foster a no- tion that he can get away with those oft repeated tales of what a devil-devil he was in the good old days. Those were the days, we are informed, when he and a few chosen ones ran this univer- sity in a masterful way that has never been known since. History, however, blushes to record that the toughest thing he ever did was to follow one of our Thursday night frenzied mobs meanwhile blowing ofi^ a half a box of 22 blanks and ever and anon hollering "Rah for umpty-steen". And a look at his senior record in the Illio reveals the enviable enumeration of : Corporal, university regiment (2), and Onyx dancing club (3), (4) A home-comer who in his student days would tremble and turn pale at mention of the name of Tommy Arkle, now, behind the vast protection of a position (formerly pronounced "job") at 12 per, is able to pass him by with a contemptuous "I should get uneasy" expression peculiar to a city bank president dealing with a country con- stable. A home-comer spends 3 feverish nights try- ing to untangle his physiognomy from Brother Bill's pedal attachments without inconveniencing Bro. Harry, whose hat pin elbow is promiscu- ously probing his Adam's apple. Also 3 joy- crammed days plodding thru the slush and mud of Green St. for the purpose of seeing a push-ball scrap, a students union production or the annual debate with Milliken which is being fought out for the glory of the institution. I have seen old grads wander aimlessly about for two days hunt- ing in vain for some old familiar sight only to break down in tears on the third when the Cham- I)aign weather, unable to hold off any longer even {Continued on Page 96) 82 First Golfer — I drove off of the first tee and the ball rolled up within an inch of the hole. Second Golfer — Gee, that is a fine lie. nn®nn AFTER THE BATTLE Veteran — I was waiting in ambush wOicn I heard a shot and the bullet grazed nij' head. Little Grandson — It couldn't graze there now, could it. grandpa? DD® DD AT THE PROM The Brainy One— Will you PROM-isc to be PROM-pt at the PROM? The Other — Yes, but I don't want to PROM-iscu- ously PROM-ote my own interests by PROM-ulgating my PROM-inence." DD® DD Customer — I think this meat is spoiled. Meat Market Proprietor — Perhaps so. Mum, but that meat came from a prize lamb and it may have been petted too much. nn®nn First Stude — What are the pledge colors of the Mil- waukee Club? Second Stude — Blue Ribbon. DD® nn It's a wise man that holds somebody's else money. The Costle Walk nn®nn You can reduce purses on chicken but ten batting averages on fouls. •on can't fat- nn®nn A trick play on the line. 83 i Bill — as his class of '92 knew him. Bill — as he appeared to them at his first home coming. nn ® DD Pat — .And were you born in this country? "You know that 'dream-girl' Bill had at the Prom? Sad Pete — You bet! And I'm glad of it. Well, the last I saw of him he had her locked in 'his Pat — Well, it isn't your fault, man; it's your mis- embrace and was tousling her hair." fortune. "Ah, another case of 'Rougliing It Dc Luxe.' " Football Player Beneath — Bill, got a date tonight. Other Player — Get busy, this is not Northwestern. 84 I m ^/i ^r T--''^..^--'' .-^ '^J^"^^ - L - ■■-:••; <- THE PASSING SHOW nn ® nn MY EXPERIENCES IN EUROPE Dy Di-:ax Narki.e Clark II. France En route twixt Marseilles and Paris. Aboard the Dijon Express. II A. M. — I think I'll keep a diary of my trip on this blooming jerk water road. A swell looking dame just climbed into my coupe. We are the only ones in it. 1 1 :02 — Her eyes ! Her eyes ! 1 1 :04 — Long black curly cue lashes. Brown, brown, brown eyes ! 1 1 :o6 — Why the dickens doesn't she look at me ? 1 1 :07 — She does ! She does ! 1 1 :o8 — She has darling little feet in cute suede pumps. Mon dieu, she is ze grande pip- pin. She should have been Mrs. Eau- cett's famous foot test. She is a winner. ii:io — Heavens! Do I see rightly? Ye Gods! ii:ii — She is wearing red — no, yes, yes, red socks ! ]\Ion Dieu ! II :i3 — Is she an ad for Paris Garters? Ha. ha, that will make a swell story to tell in a consultation back home ! 1 1 :i4 — She is digging out a yellow backed novel. 11:15 — Sapristi ! It is an infamous book, "Les Trois Semaines." It is nothing for her to read ; she is too young. Too lovely. II :\~ — Ah, she has put it down. She is gazing lovingly out of the window. Nom d'un chien ! She seems to be weeping! 1 1 :20 — Anyway, it's none of my business. II :2i — She might be an Apache and wish to do violence to me. II -.22 — She may be Ye Gods, those tears are too much. I must speak. How shall I begin ? Heavens, how does one talk to a girl that cries and wears red socks? :23 — I have it! I'll ask her if she knows what time it is. :24 — Oh, I haven't got the nerve. :25 — Why didn't I learn to fuss as well as swear when I was in college? :26 — I'm going to ■.2~ — I've done it. She smiled mistily thru her adorable tears and said, Je ne sais pas. :28 — What on earth does she mean? :30 — Darn it all, why don't I know French? :3i — Or even some sort of sign language? 132 — I have it. I'll press my hand over my heart. That certainly must mean some- thing. :33 — It evidently does ! :34 — Oh, she is sliding over into my seat. •35 — No, she isn't after all. She has decided to remain, but she's stopped crying. :36 — Shall I press it again ? ■.t;j — I have. 138 — She's coming over. No ! Yes ! She's here. :40 — She seems to be scared of me. What can it be? (Continued 6n Page 93) II II II II II II II II II II II II II II II II 85 The Ag Dance AT THE DRY GOODS COUNTER The Benevolent Gentleman — "My, what do women do with all of the things they hity here?" The Clerk — "They usually bring them hack and have them exchanged." nn®nn Grecian polish reached its lowest point when it took to shining shoes. nn® DD CONVICT 999 "For a young fellow he's had a checkered career." "Rather striped, also." nn©nn Constant mirror-gazing never reflects any credit on one. THE DISGUISE THICKENS "You say that you can't see through Miss Chick's designs as you could at the resort last summer.'' "Yes." "Well, you must remember that the fall styles call for less transparent materials." nn®nn "Funny the new practice of women's wearing men's bathing suits hasn't even caused a ripple." "No wonder, the ladies never go into the water." nn® nn There's one good thing about the thirty-five cent hair-cut rate. It encourages men to become poets or artists. 86 C./V\olIo« Caught in a Tight Place HIS JUST REWARD All night long the crowd had been gathering before the gates. By the time day was broken and had splashed light all over the Pearly Portals, making them shimmer like a Tiffany show-case, the people were banked up in the street for blocks and blocks. Xo, this was not a sale of tickets for the Purdue game — it was Judgment Day. You may be sure that the Prophets were taking advantage of the opportunity to solicit orders for gauze wings, and over near the station of the Heaven to Hades R. R., the angels were carrying on a brisk trade in ice-cream cones. Saint Peter was a busy man. At his elbow was a pitcher of iced water from which he frequently took refreshment as he shuffled over papers, stamping O. K.'s or blue penciling, in the task of examining credentials. A crowd had just been ushered into the city and were rejoicing over their good fortune. They were the Champaign merchants who had given credit. At last there strode up to the Gate a lonely stude. Out of his pocket he pulled his record papers and flipped them onto the desk. The good Saint began to run hastily through them and his face broke out in smiles. "You seem to be all right." he said. "But how (Continued on Page 95) There is a Reason THERE ARE MANY REASONS It will pay you to tell us why your Christ- mas Shopping will be a pleasure if done at this store. See Our Window Ray l. Bowman TFALKER OPERA HOUSE Champaign, 111. 87 WATCH THIS PAGE FOR THE COMING DANCES ORANGE & BLUE Nov. 29 Jan. 17 Jan. 30 Feb. 7 Apr. 11 May 30 CRYSTAL ONYX GRIDIRON VARSITY Nov. 14 Nov. 14 Nov. 22 Jan. 24 Jan. 17 Dec. 13 Jan. 9 Feb. 28 Jan. 16 Mar. 14 Mar. 14 Feb. 21 May 9 April 18 May 16 May 30 MAKE YOUR DATES EARLY THIS SWAY OUT ! Professor of Biology — Are there any more questions on this She (tragically) — You know how impulsive I am. Can't you bear ^" ■'^'^ .^, rfti„5 Freshman — Yes, sir. I'd like to know, if a clam is silent, what with me a little.'^ He— Well, I'll take a chance. I don't think the cop's lookin'.— '^ ^ cUmor?— Judge. Ohio Snn-Dial. WELL FIXED Howlitt— Has she any visible means of support? Powlit— Has she! Say, did you ever see her in one of those slit skirts? — Judge. SHOES REPAIRED-ONE DAY SERVICE HARRY R. LaSELL Flrsf door Norih of Boneyard, Wright Si., Champaign ^n^ In chem there is an oxide Which brings us all to grief- The old oxide of leather, Known often as roast-beef. -Sun Dial. Service Call a Brown Limousine or Taxi Merrick & Stoltey GARAGE Auto J 543 Bell m IW2te.l^^S^^ll Chicago's Finest Hotel The central location, perfect service, excel' lent equipment, luxurious furnishings and r.^ home'like atmosphere make Hotel LaSalle the most — popular hotel in Chicago. Whether you come to Chicago on pleas- ure or on business you will find Hotel La Salle the ideal place lo stay. It's easiest to reach— and closest to every place you want to go — Theatres, Public Buildings, Shopping Streets, Financial and Business Districts lie at its very door. Hotel La Salle gives more for the price you pay than any other hotel in Chicago. Everybody Likes Hotel La Salle KATES: One Person One Person Per Day Koom with detached bath - . J2 to $3 Koom with private bath ■ * $3 to $5 Two Persons Per Day Koom with detached bath , , $3 to $5 Koom with private bath ■ ■ $5 to $8 Two Connecting Rooms with Bath Per Day Tv\'0 Persons . - $5 to $8 Four Persons ■ ■ $8to$l5 La Salle at Madison Street, Ernest J. Stevens, Vice President and Manager Arrov/ TANGO SHIRTS ARE an essential addition to the evening wardrobe of the well- dressed man. $2.00 and up. CLUETT, PEABODY & CO.. iNC "Let never wine glass touch your lips," My pa has made this law ; I cannot disobey him, so, "Bartender, add a straw." — Jcslcr. He — Since you lost your bet, I think I can claim the forfeit. She — I really don't know what you mean ; and, besides, someone might see us. — Yale Record. WE HAVE THEM Electric Lamps for Every Use Desk Lamps Floor Lamps Portable Lamps Fixtures and Domes IDEAL ELECTRIC SHOP 106 N. Walnut Court Bell 1998 /[nything Electrical Auto 1015 89 EAT TWIN CITY CREAMERY BUT! ER ASK YOUR GROCER The Chester Transfer Co. SOLICITS YOUR Baggage, Livery and Carriage Work We Rent Visible Remingtons Visible Smith Premiers Visible Monarchs TERMS: $ 3.00 for one month $1 5.00 for six months Machines in first-class condition. Sent anywhere Remington Typewriter Company JncorporatedJ 404 East Monroe St., I, O. C F Bldg. Springfield, 111. J. H. NIEMANN, Jr. Local Representative 77 Neil St. Bell phone 448 equality Counts After making the exposure you want those kodak views to be good. Our established record for the best service is to be maintained by giving you the best prints that can be made. Straucn KodaK Finishing Snop Atove Co-Op. Auto 2218 Pa — Now what's tlie old lieii eating tlieiii tacks for? Willie "(just home from college) — Perhaps she is going to lay a carpet. — Sun dial. Sunday School Teacher— Xow, Tommy, T want you to suggest seme Easter music for next Sunday. The New Kid — .Aw, slip in a hunny hug. — Tlic U'idozi'. Prof. — "Have you read Lamb's Talcs?'' Short .\g.— Xope. We have a few black slieep, Iiut I dunuo as I ever seen a red un." — Sun Dial. Extra Good Service IS our motto Hoover's Sanitary Barber Shop First National Bank Bldg. 90 THE SMOOTHEST COME boys, a cheer — All together - V-E-L-V-EtT - smooth ! V'^l' et cheers you on and cheers you up. It's so smooth. The selected leaf is hung in the warehouse over two years — changing harshness to complete mellow- ness. Then all "bite" ha disappeared — and good taste and the enjoyable smoothness are pre-eminent. This "time- process" is not patented — jiist cocts us more — and the result is "Velvet" — smooth and wonderfully pleasing. Now once more everybody — ^V-E-L- V-ErT— smooth! At all dealers. Full Two Ounce Tins LYRIC THEATRE HOME OF THE MIRROR SCREEN PLEASING PASTIME, WHOLESOME RECREATION PRESENTING THE BEST PICTURES IN THE CORRECT WAY WITH PURE AIR AND REFINED SURROUNDINGS Homecomers Welcome Make the Lyric your Meeting Place. The most convenient and comfortable place — at the intersection of all street car lines. PATHE WEEKLY ILLUSTRATED NEWS PICTURES EVERY MONDAY NEW PICTURES EVERY DAY MULTIPLE REEL FEATURES THREE TIMES A WEEK My idea of something to ac- complish is the proposition that Zom is getting away with. Did you say, "What's that?" Lis- ten! ! ! To consistently buy and sell the smartest, last- word, up- to-the-second duds and haber- dashery things. Considerable proposition is right. Zom Zombro Green Avenue Champaign A TALE OF THE SEA A DRAMA WITH ONE DREAM ( Phyllis is seen strolling gracefully up and down the heach, at- tired in a hrand-new bathing costume, which she guards carefully frcim the dampness.) (Enter Percy) Percy (admiringly) — By Jove, Phyl, that new bathing suit is ripping! (Quick exit Phyllis.) Tune— "Pity the Blind For They Know Not What They Miss." Some — What made you call her noisy? Sport — Well, she wore bangs, didn't she? — Sun Dial. The Illinois Billard Hall has moved to 306 and 308 Hickory Court Cavanaugh Bros. Smokers Sundries 92 URBAN A STEAM WHITE, PROPRIETOR LAUNDRY Siudent Agent, NICHOLS student Agent, AUTEN Hand Painted Photographs Artistic reproductions for Wall Decorations Your Choice for 25 Cents See our window display MUNHALL PRINTING HOUSE East of Opera House Champaign MY EXPERIENCES IN EUROPE (Continued from Page 85) II :4i— Is it possible tliat I look ferocious? 1 1 :42 — She's trying to say something. 1 1 :45 — Go to it, little one ; say it again. I don"t seem to get her meaning. 1 1 -.46 — She says, Shall I press heem for mon- sieur? 1 1 :47 — I said yes. 1 1 oO — ^ly heart feels better. Darn this diary. 12:10 — She's leaving. Good-bye, good-bye, Au revoir ! The reason the girls walk on the inside of the street is so they nia\- see their reflections in the store win- dows." 12:15 — -^ "i'-"'^ exepr My watch! My scarf pin ! Darn it all — my money ! Hang it ! Bv jove! Theey're gone! They're gone! O'hen! ™^ PRINTING - BOOKS, MAGAZINES, ETC. Is a large part of our business WE PRINT THESE PERIODICALS: THE FACULTY LIST THE STUDENTS' DIRECTORY THE TRUSTEES' MINUTES THE ALUMNI QUARTERLY THE FORTNIGHTLY NOTES THE SIREN THE SIGMA XI QUARTERLY NORTH CENTRAL ASSOCIATION REPORT THE UNIVERSITY STUDIES STUDIES IN THE SOCIAL SCIENCES THE UNIVERSITY REGISTER, and Many Others. ■^•E ARE EQUIPPED FOR ALL TECHNICAL PUBLICATIONS IP YOU HAVE PRINTING TO BE DONE WE KNOW HOW TO DO IT The Flanigan-Pearson Co., Charapaig'n, III 93 Student's Smile When calling at Maurer's Jewelry Store on Neil Street and see the New Stuff and the reasonable prices. Wal- demar Chains and Santoir Chains, Link Buttons, Scarf Pins, Tie Clasps, Watch Fobs, College Pins and Souvenirs all kinds. Charlie will treat you right — come C has. Maurer , J eweler Next Door Elk Billiard Hall THE WHITE SHOP CLEANING and PRESSING Suits caUed for and delivered. Calls answered promptly Work done correctly Deliveries made on time Phone Bell 1237 118 S. Race St. URBANA MISUNDERSTOOD '16 — I want some winter underclothes. Clerk — How long? '16 — You boob, I don't want to rent 'em ; I want to buy 'em. — Tiger. "You are very rich, aren't you, Helen?" "Yes, Tom," replied the girl frankly, "I am worth about two million dollars." "Will you marry me, Helen?'' "Oh, no, Tom; 1 couldn't." "I knew you wouldn't." "Then why did you ask me?" "Oh, I just want- ed to see how a man feels when he loses two millions." — Mikcaukee News. Pasha Pshaw — (colloquial equivalent for .\. D. T. messenger) — M'lord, .Xdrianople has fallen sir I Cheezah Peek Boy— Muhullah ! Did she soil her outskirts? (This is funnier in Turkish.)— La/»/'oo». ARTIFICIAL Eiglit-hf teener— Hasn't your girl any class this hour? Queener — Nope. She doesn't get up 'till nine o'clock, so it's still on her dresser.— Stanford Chaparral. DIPLOMATIC May— Do you think it's disgraceful for a woman to expose herself in a new X-ray gown? Jay — Oh, it depends on how one looks at it. ENOUGH Taye — What do you see about that girl that you like? Saye — .\bout two million dollars. SHE KNEW Jce — I'm crazy about that girl. King — Yes, she said you always acted strangely when you saw her. JUST AS GOOD Skee — Mrs. De Rich connnands a high salary. Zix — I didn't know she worked. Skee — She doesn't — she bosses her hus- band. He who queens last queens best — Chap- arral . Before your dance try the Beardsleys 6 o'clock dinners in our private din- ing room. BE/\RDSLEY HOTEL Champaign, ///. John Ruskin says: "Beautiful forms and composilions are not made by chance, nor can they ever, in any material, be made at small expense." We have sold substantial goods of standard design for more than twenty years, and have specialized in medium and low cost articles. Let us figure with you Mittendorf & Kiler Furniture, Rugs, Linoleums, Picture Frames 94 Yes, Chicago Slipped One Over and the knockers say we laid down; but who ever heard of llinois laying down, or d THE UNIVERSITY PRESS gt laying down either, when it comes to giving to the people ail there is to be had for their money. A little "pep" now for old Purdue, and LOOK FOR THE SIGN AT THE END OF THE STREET CAR LINE IN URBANA EMPIRE Steam Laundry 103 West University Ave. SHAW 6 PLOTNER BROS., Props. Telephones: Home 1392; Bell 748 This space reserved for The Martel Blow^-Out Protedor Co. Money Saved, Money Earned We guarantee j-ou that you can save 25% on every- thing we carry. Suits made to order with the best tailor's guarantee. A fit or no sale. All high grade shoes in all of the latest lasts. English or Hat toes, Pug toes or rubber soles, tan or black, lace or button. Trunks, suit cases and handbags. St. Louis Bargain House 67 E. UNIVERSITY AVE. KELL 2138 HIS JUST REWARD {Continued from Page 87) about VDur college career? What did you ever do there ? ' "Oh," said the stude. "Tm the guy that got Harris and Aleade to install their caliope — hurdy- gurdy." "To Hell with him." yelled Saint Peter. And the fiends claimed their own. The Cvnic. SQUELCHED Employe (slowly sauntering into store) — Gee, I feci mean today- just like punching somebody. Employer — S'enough. Go an' punch the time clock: ycr ten minutes late an' lined a dollar. — Chafl>arral. Suits and Overcoats $18.00 Made to Order If your allowance is limited and you want the best possible clothing value for the money, "Have a Look" at what we are showing at our one never changing price of .$ 1 8.00. THE NOBBY TAILORS World's Greatest Tailors Neil and Church Sts. Jos. Bauer, Mgr. 95 m Engravings for College and HighSchool Publications ' BY LHTEST NINETEEN THIRTEEN METHODS NATIONAL ENORAVINO COMPANY OU Ho. 24 H. Wllnul SI. New No. m N.Wilnul Court. CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS HOME-COMING DE LUXE {Continued from Page 82 ) for a home-coming, dropped back into the habit of a Hfe time and wept copiously buckets of tears on the assembled crowds. Many a home-comer who spent the greater part of his student life crossing off the days on the calendar till the next vacation and explaining to the brothers how in 3 weeks he would be back in "God's country", now, stands in the lobby of Uni Hall and in a choked voice tells the sympa- thetic stude that the present generation doesn't appreciate the advantages of attending a great American institution of learning as he did when a bov. R. E. H. Champaign Steam Laundry Monroe & Keusink Bros., Proprietors Home Pliojie 1115 Bell Phone 897 28 N. Neil Street, Opposite Walker Opera House DR. CHARLES H. SPEARS EYE, EAR, NOSE AND THROAT CHAMPAIGN, ILL. HOWARD BUILDING, 117 WEST CHURCH STREET BOTH PHONES "El Grille" Electric Grill Toaster and Stove $5.00 The Caldwell Electric Company Auto 1250 Champaign, 111. Bell 999 WHEN YOU TRAVEL TAKE THE lUinois Traction System €L Mckinley lines Clean, Comfortable, Frequent, Convenient, Safe AUTOMATIC BLOCK SIGNALS Protect all Train Movements ii When You Go Home Ride the ROf\D OF GOOD SERVICE'' 96 The Secret of Good Batting is similar to the secret of Good Business — it happens to some and just misses the others. If there ever was a commercial home run it's Fatima, the Turkish-blend cigarette. The expert who conceived this blend was some batter! Fatima was first lined out in the college towns — the student body quickly proclaimed them winners. Today Fatima is the biggest selling cigarette in this country I The secret is — pure, good, choice tobacco —no expense in the package — quality all in the smoke — "Twenty." 20 for 15 2)2 HEGENBART CO. GROCERIES . WHOLESALE AND RETAIL H. & D. FLOUR liSLB. SUCK FOR $1.25 We g.aran/ee this flour ,0 gi,e absolule salisfaclion or we will refund your money. When in need of Groceries give us atrial. PROMPT DELIVERY. iOI and 103 North Neil St. CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS K.eep Your Eye ON KANDY'S Barber bnops Green A.venue University Place Fresh — "Are you out for the Soph show?" Soph — "No, I'm in for it." "The least of us may make an opening for others," said the grave-digger as he shoveled in the last clod. — .lester. She (to Dad) — I must liave a new gown. I want to lie the prettiest one at my party. Cruel Brother (who is in love) — "Then don't invite Ellen." — .rester. H. L RENNE Photographer 39 N. Neil St. Champaign, Illinois pUSH it along — Shoot it over! Velvet — so-called because exceedingly smooth — smooth be- cause aged over tv^o years, in which time all harshness dis- appears from the leaf leaving the goodness that we all crave for our pipe. Velvet is a tobacco mel- lowness hitherto unknown — too smooth to harbor a "bite." It's just the sort of a tobacco you would make for yourself. Millions of men cheer for it. We never knew of a man who didn't like Velvet! Hurrah! Don't let it pass you! At all dealers. THE SMOOTHEST 4 I Full 2oz. Tins y^\>^>^ SHIRT-MAKERS ^S^yOi^5\ uiiiiiiiiiiiK V^ ^..o^(^Y^\n^^\^n^(&Yi\<^j[l^^o Old No. 21 Main St. Champaign, III. Tell the deal- Voa Rich. Mild * ""'y I wf^^lsfem Quality er you wan ,„, 1^^^^^ \J Lewis Single For |kj"wfifc^^\ Never Binder Annual Sales 12,000.000 a year proves good quality Cigars V^?i ^&fg?.SniminBiWB(»l^ Varipg Nol So Good AT THE INFIRMARY Frosli — Doctor will you please give me something for my head? I'r. — My dear hoy, I wouldn't take it as a gift. — Cnlifoniia Pcticitn. CAUSE ENOUGH Stude — Our psychology prof, says we sleep entirely too much. Stood — But his lectures are so uninteresting. 'i6 — Do you believe in infant damnation, Professor? Married Prof. — Only at night. — Penn. Punch Bowl. /(K iving ila'STogtieS for Christmas puts you in the " Man - of - the -world- who-always-knows- what's-right-to-do" class. ilaliTogUeSand Christmas are inseparably associated. They're both consid- erable propositions! Harris and Mead Green Avenue Cnampaign 101 _o TWEi -,$IR,EW SHOES REPAIRED-ONE D/iV SERVICE HARRY R. LaSELL First door North of Boneyard, Wright St., Champaign OUT, DAMXED SPOT! He — Have you read "Freckles"? She (quickly) — Oli, uo ! That's my veil! — Sim Dial. "No man can serve two masters," observed the good parson who was visiting the penitentiary. "I know it,'' replied Convict i,?i.3. "I'm in here for bigamy." — Cin- cinnati Enquirer. The joke-smith would have starved, you bet, If HE and SHE had never met. fMother I Father If You Want Something for] sister ^f or Xmas I Sweetheart I or Friend Come and See us. A visit will cost you nothing. Bell 1998 IDEAL ELECTRIC CO. Auto 1013 "Why so sad, Archibald?" "A friend of mine has gotten engaged." "Cheer up, you'll get another girl." "Girl, hell! — where will I get a present?" — Cornell ]t'idov.\ First Stude — What are you going to do this summer? Second Stude — Take a good loaf. First Stude — Good! I'm going to a summer school, too. — Wis consin Sphinx. For First Class Barber Work Call at Y. M. C. A. Barber Shop NONE BETTER Y. M. Z.H I. Bldg. E. P. Gaston, Prop. SerWce Call a Brown Limousine or Taxi Herrkk & Stoltey GARAGE Auto 15^5 Bell 187 102 ^LMMk^ CHAMPAIGN CREAMERY CO. Wholesale and Retail Dealers in MILK AND CRE/\M 415 E. University Ave. Bell 1204 Auto 1533 DAFFY DEFINITIONS Class — Something that keeps your mind off of classes. Classes — One place to meet class. Petticoat — (obsolete) A garment formerly worn by women. A Good Friend — One that will lend you money. A Pest — One that tries to borrow it. Legs — Limbs grown bold. Easy Money — A bet on Stanford. Vice — What the other fellow enjoys and you don't care for. Harmless Amusement — What you enjoy yourself. Modesty — Once the mark of a lady. No longer fashionatjle. A Fashion Show — What the sun reveals. — Chaparral. '^/Ifterr^ Cbristmas" Spa dimg & Quirk 2 Drug Stores Red Cross Store Green St. Pharmacy 59 N. Neil 6th and Green Exclusive Druggists The Arcade Billiard Parlor WITH THE Bowling Alley Annex promises to be one of the finest in equipment etc. in the state AUTOMATIC PIN SPOTTERS EVERY BALL MINERALITE ALL READY TO SHOOT JAN. 5 ROCKSIE 6 DEWEY 103 THE TANGO TEA "Mamma, may I go to the Tango Tea?" Asked the maiden in manner prairfui. "Yes, dear, but tho you can't be good. For the love of IVIike, be careful." 1 JmJSS^Si X M B ■■ -SI RE W THE SPIRIT OF THE DANCE BLASE BUNK D]^I.1;L'1jX gradually ilrifted out of the haze of slumber and found himself awake and suffering from one of those beastly dull headaches with which the leisurely are almost constantly affected. After awhile he reached for his watch and noted that it was eleven and two classes had been missed. The only thing that bothered him, however, was the fact that he had not intended to get up until twelve, and now he must occupy another whole hour before lunchtime. When a Freshman had put down his window and the room had become comfortably warm, he arose and attired himself in that careless fashion usually employed on the day of the Prom. Luckily, Xanthe could not co.me down until just in time to "undress" and make a run for the dance. He hoped they would be late for the first four dances at least. He had only invited Xanthe because she had secured him a place at the ^'anderoon party during the vacation, and because she was a rather decent dancer and sure to bring along the kind of clothes that woukl make her conspicuously out-of-place looking, like any grand dame at a barn-dance. The day wore on like any other day for Delburn. In the afternoon he played a little bil- liards and finally decided to go to his class in Greek 44. By dinner time he was even more bored than usual. It was eight-thirty when he was helped into his coat and started out to the car to run down to the depot to meet Xanthe. Just as he was about to step into the car a Freshman called him into the house for a phone call. Delburn was swearing softly as he stepped into the telephone booth. "Hello", came a voice in response to his statement that this was F. X. Delburn, "Telegram for you, Mr. Delburn. 'Mamma ill. Can't possibly make it. Sorry. — Xanthe." " Delburn turned to the other phone and called little Mamie Kczikce, from over on Canal street, and asked her to go to the "rummy" over at Schnider's Hall with him. He was whistling merrily as he left the house. And Xanthe had a glorious time with Jack Jerreau at the Lambda Sig dance that night. The Cynic. 106 A #'tora of Rinnan ^^atitrc This is a story of nature That is hnked with a thousand wails, Discussed by monk ancestors high in a tree, Holding each other's tails. Each had a date And each thought that his mate Was the envy of all the land, But each said to his brother That the choice of the other Was too much to understand. This is the day of the imports. You see them where ever you go. The boys are so proud they are bustin'. They're standing at Mead's in a row. \\'e've heard of the charm Of this girl from the farm For a year, and we looked for a queen, But we each have to smile As we note her poor style Compared to our own woman keen. /dD This story of human nature Which was known since first there was Is a lucky condition for all of mankind. And saves us from unending strife. For most girls that you know Would be short of a beau .Vnd start knitting to pass 'way the time. If we each had a taste For the same style of waist And each fell for the same sort of "line". life m I f I I'wi ] mil I E MX ^Jl:. U'mMmm, BOARD OF EDITORS Editor L. W. Ramsey •Associate Editor A. R. ROHLFING D. T. Carlisle BuRiLL Wright R. L. Barlow Art Editor Business Manager R. F. Field A. C. Strong Associate Art Editor L. D. Tilton Harry Weber V. D. Cylkowski Staff M. O. Nathan B. Barnard C. M. Ferguson Geo. Gill Published monthly during the college year by the students of the University of Illinois. Entered as second class matter, January 2, 1912, at postoffice at Champaign, 111., under Act of Congress March 3, 1879. Subscription 75c per year in advance; out of town subscriptions, $1.00; single copies, loc; special numbers, 2Sc. All business communications should be sent to A. C. Strong, Siren office. Communications should be sent to L. W. Ramsey, Siren office, over Harris & Mead's. HE Council of Administration has snap- ped their fingers in the faces of society and the dancing masters of the coimtry. It shows that our conscript fathers are laboring under the yoke of that kind of prudery which can only say limb for leg, and that with a blush. Naturally enough our dancers who have forgotten the Minuet and Polka are a little bit vexed at what Grandpa has ordered. Why can't we have pie once in a while, even if the cook doesn't like it? W't don't eat it with our fingers and we can coiue out of the process without having dirtied ourselves. It isn't rum-soaked mince pie we're asking for, either. O, crool, crool Council ! Think of the trouble you have made the girls at home who have had to put in two weeks of hard work learning the two-step that they might attend just one little hop. We hope that the Armory floor will be a surprise and really be slippery enough for these War-time frolics you have forced upon us. 108 E Imports are coming, hurray, hurray! We are going to have one more ghmpse at real femininity before the Xmas orgy ! Of course we are all going broke in order to bring this about, and have said the sad "So long" to cigarettes and I'ostons. "O, Woman, Lovely Woman", we would give these up forever in order to have just three little days with you before falling back again into the monotony of co-ed companionship. Take these flowers. They represent our true love and three old suits and a derby. This carriage, dear, is bought with the self-sacrifice of devotion — and the fee of a much-needed tutor. For this prom ticket, love, we'll probably have to give up riding on the street-car from now until we beat Chicago. It's all for you — and gladly given. Imports, real girls, reason incarnate of why men come back home — welcome, the town's yours ! nn ©nn It's back home for Christmas in a few days, boys — to dear old home that never looks better than at Christmas time. It's back to the fireside with the folks again. It means getting better acquainted with the Santa Claus of your kid days — dear, old dad. It means learning to appreciate mother and that art of hers that makes a fellow even fall in love with anyone who can compare with her in the least. There's the "Kid" and little "Sis" with their worship of "big brother" back from college. And aren't you dying to get to that phone, and hear her say, "Oh, so you're back. Jack," as though she hadn't been waiting for the very minute that you Would call? It's that spirit we are going home with in a day of two; keep it pure and fresh, and "God rest you, merry gentlemen." nn ® nn y\ V^cANt" LoT 109 THE SIREN'S FASHION HINT NO. IV. The headgear hats, particularly becoming to young girls in love with football heroes. DD® nn SPORTS OF ALL COLLEGES I. I admit there is excitement in the hunt for lions, and such. And its followers must be men who do and dare. But equally as thrilling is the running down of "bugs". And unseen dangers often linger there. Just for instance: once while hunting the elusive butterfly, I had sat me down to rest upon a lean-stile. When a hymenoptera (which the vulgar call a "bee"), Stole up behind and stung me in the meanwhile. nn®nn What's the use of employing one's time uselessly when there are so many things that amount to some- thing. For instance, there's a lot in a real estate trans- action, a good deal in almost every card game, and more than I can say in the dictionary. □n®nn "That girl is a classy dresser from beginning to end." "What have you been doing, playing strip-poker?" REHEARSING 'Tis told of an "Import" named Bess, While rehearsing with train and dress. She turn'd seventy ways. Then collaps'd in a daze; That train made her headlight, I guess. nn®nn Co-Ed — Speaking of the University traditions and buildings, lold "Uni" fornis a bindijig recollection for the "Old Grads." Freshman Escort — Yes, but not nearly so binding as nni-forms in military. DD® DD Officer — "Come! come! Wake up! Weary (dreamily) — "Ah, playful Madam, ye may tap me wid yer fan, but another ledy claims me heart." nn®nn TO BE ILLUSTRATED And they say journalists are moral : The power of the press. The reporter pressed her for an answer. She wrote for the press. 3 '30 — press time. ( in answer to other means of minimizing copy.) nn®nn A — "Why do you like to play checkers more than any other game?" B — "Because it's always on the square." 110 T M I& ^ 1 R E iH I M 'd ^^^^^^sr.JJ=^^ - "^ —-^ "Poor kid, he doesn't know what he's up against." nn®nn APPROACH OF WINTER While sings the cricket on the hearth, The wind blows o'er the heather. To eke with shriek, The coming forth Of blustering old winter. The yellow fox has sought his hole Abaft the bank of willows. Anon upon The grassy knoll. The partridge seeks his fellows. All things are tinged by Painter Frost, Who is an artful master. Their sheen of green The trees have lost. To yellow, red, and amber. P. A. D. nn®nn A — "Anyone could tell tliat the architect of that huilding was a woman." B— "Why?" A — "Can't you see all the fancy work around the outside?" nn ® nn He (dramatically) — "Oh, like a vicious blood hound, I have searched thee out I" She — "How, George, is my perfume that liad?" nn® DD "Why is Jenks so hrilliant?" "Because he plays baseball and is a diamond star."> MORXING AFTER THE PROM Professor (after several unsuccessful attempts to get a recitation)— "Docs the class know anything at all?" Stude — "No, especially some of us."' DD® DD Junior — "Why is it that stout people rarely are guilty of meanness or crime?" Freshman — "Well, it's so ■ ; 1 'f 1 i y if T 1 ' 4 J* \ it f \ J - ■ -fj i •'.. - - - r; t* ii %'''\7% =51 :\1 ::;;: ' ■ = : ~ ^ \T\ T >; ^fe^ ^"^^^ 7- 1 MtaL.. ^^ 1 It' i *\y\7 1 ^ Mil /^(fiairiAAJ ^ ^ Up b '^ 1 Pi ^ .1 I \ . 5e€ O'^ i^s HOLIDAY SPORTS Racehorse Rum TOWARD THE PROM BUT INTO PARADISE 'Tvvas the eve preceding the night of the big Prom. While sitting alone before the dying fire after all had gone to rest save a few worried "importers", Lot O'Cash was suddenly pulled out of his chair and deep study by this "wire" — Thursday, December ii, 1913. Mr. Lot O'Cash, Long Green Avenue, Cramp-pain — ill. My dearest Dearie ; — Made weight for the big Ixjut — the Prom — - this afternoon at three o'clock. Will arrive with my training camp at six tomorrow night. Never was in a more perfect condition for a ringside match. Have developed wonderful footwork. Will fight in a twelve ounce gown. Yours for twenty-four rounds, Ella Ghent. "Great Heavens," gasped Lot O'Cash, "she is coming down and is expecting to put on a clever exhibition, entirely ignorant of the ruling of the Council of Sadministration that 'Though the Boston comes and the Boston stays, the tan-goes forever.' " Lot sank back into his chair and fell into a deeper study. He thought of how he had met Ella during the summer, and of how he resolved to show the boys back at s'college some class in the shape of an "import" for the Prom. Ella •Ghent and her whole family were favorable. Now she was coming prepared for the worst — and the tango was to be barred at the Prom. But how was he to square himself with her when the "cute little stranger" arrived? This bar upon new dances almost drove him to one, drink was no remedy for this disaster. He must tell her the truth, or break a leg immediately. But Lot O'Cash was a "man for a' that;" he resolved to show his metal ; he had been lead to it and he had the brass, and so he steeled himself against the irony of his fate. 116 The excitement of her arrival postponed the (Continued on Page 128) T..JW E..-- ^ I H.-E JH BETWEEN DRINKS Some coeds hand you such a line of stringy talk that it's no wonder it's hard to fol- low the thread of conversation. To play a good game of billiards is a sign, of a gentleman, but to play a d good game of billiards is the sign of a misspent youth. 117 HOW IT HAPPENED "Yes, sir, it was about the biggest Httle thing the Hne of talk that makes them what they is, so that I ever pulled off, this leaihng the left wing of the Grand March of the Annual Charity Ball up in Chi — and I have to kick myself even now every time I think of placing in the limousine league with the niece of the city's society leader helping me turn the right corners. It was some party and I had no more business being among those present than I'd have addressing the \\'est- ern Society of Engineers with three summer schools and five specials on my slate. But there I was, big as life, with a Flat Iron dress suit and a few little accessories that I picked up around the house to help me get away with it. You see, Willella's aunt, she's the get ready, get set, go, of every real function that's pulled off in the windy city, and when I danced that 14th bout with her I had to grit my teeth to keep from interrogatin' as to what the original price was on the 3 dozen sparklers that was hanging around her neck ; but that ain't getting us anywhere with the story. You see Willella (that's the girl) used to go to Smith, but it seems she got tired of that bunch of Amherst fussers and wanted to do something real desperate so as to get a couple lines extra in the society column of her home paper, so she just naturally packed u]i and beat it for the wild and wooly, entering here as a teakettle engineer in our little old Alma Mater. That's how she happened to get here and how I happened to get her was the flimsiest piece of work that old moth- er fortune ever turned loose. I was settin' around the fire one night caressin' my piperheidsik and helping Steve decide why he ever took up education as his life work. Steve says something about fightin' society and the way she is did by some o' the boys down here, and right then a life sized vision of ambition loomed up in the firelight and I had a feeling that I wanted to mi.x in the sorority whirl myself. I could not shake it, either, and after I thought her over a bit I just ambled into the bookcase and pulled down a last year's Illio. I figured it out that I didn't have much show with the major league and that about the only chance my hope had to materialize was to corrall some damsel not possessing the charms that the normal man goes for. I looked over in the tail end of the woman's section and spotted the Zeta Kaps as my meat. Every aggregation in the woman's line has one or two strong girls, strong usually because they are not popular with the men and have time to sit at home and work out the prob- lems that keep the bunch running while the friv- olous sisters are tripping on the wax and working I finally settled on an individual whose name I had never seen in the function writeups but had been in one of my classes two or three years back, and I called her up. It was kind of late but she was at home all right and said she be- lieved she could stand the second show at the Orpheum. I put on about the most sensible brand of conversation that I had with me and after we had walked home ( she said she needed the exercise) I felt that 1 was fairly well ac- quainted. I had doped the case out about right. I was hopin' a little but didn't expect anything to develop immediate, when she up and made a statement that their annual shindig was coming off in about a week and that she had got a letter from her best girl friend at home accepting an invitation to come down. I said that I would be glad to help in the entertainment and would be there in the boiled shirt on Friday night. That was pretty good for me and I hot footed it all the way home to tell Steve. You could have heard the yell that went up from the bunch a mile when I let 'em in on the news and in the quiet days that followed I signed up a few of the brothers for the necessary costume effects. About Thurs- day I began to wonder if the invitation had really happened or if I just remembered it from one of my pipe dreams and when some body told me that the Zeta Kap house had called up that morn- ing I felt that dance program slipped out of my lily-white. I knew one thing, if I did not get to that tussle I would be stuck higher than a soph proc on a sorority house with the bunch kidding me at every turn. Sure 'nough, my good samarita says she's sorry but the little friend from home had had an accident with her health and would not be among the honored guests. I thanked her real lady-like and dropped back into a window seat as docile as a guy that's come in late 3 time in succession to Rhet. 10. I didn't put any of the boys wise and it was lucky for me I didn't for about the time I got reconciled the automatic gave a couple of long noisy ones and I was on the job. Yes, it was her and she says she wants me to come over that night at seven bells to meet the fairest of the fair who had just blowed in from N. Y. and matriculated. They wanted to make a hit with her and thought that I would be just the man. I told her to tie that line outside, i)ut that I would be tickled to death to be there with the hearty handshake. So I beats it over to greet \\'illella. She was there all right, so there 118 ( Continued on page 1 22 ) X..M B. WHAT A CHANGE! 7:30 A. M. 8:00 A. M. THE GIRL THAT YOU BRING TO THE PROM. I. Here's to the girl with the dreamy eyes. You knew when you saw her you'd picked out a prize. Brown, gray, black, or blue, They have surely got you. The girl that you bring to the Prom. II. Here's to the girl with the form divine. The one that you've longed that your arms might entwine. Slim, round, short, or tall. She's the queen of them all, The girl that you bring to the prom. III. Here's to the girl with the wonderful smile. Whenever she laughs everything seems worth while. Whether she's dark, or she's fair. She's the prettiest there. The girl that you bring to the Prom. IV. Here's to the girl that you see in your dreams, In fancy's gay revel her figure oft gleams. And you know that tonight Will be one of delight. To the girl that you bring to the Prom. And when it's all over, and passes along To its place in the midst of your memory throng. May you always be true To the best that's in you. And the girl that you bring to the Prom. E. W. T. James — "I had my linger smashed under the cover of my card index today.'' John — "Index linger, I suppose." nnonn '"I'm heing rushed \>y a fraternity." said the waiter of the Alplia Zeta as he hurried along. •Within the Law" 119 St. Nick — "And after all the trouble I had getting down that chimney!" nn © DD And the Englishman remarked, "These coeducational schools are mainly for Literachoor hand 'Earts." on®na The reason most fellows don't pat themselves on the back is because their arms aren't long enough. nn® DD "They're sure makin' a fuss over us," shouted the irate husband to his wife, as the couple in the flat above started their daily scrap. nn®nn There's no reason for scientists having such cold expressions when they're always wrapped in thought. nn® na PUTTING IT MILDLY Tom — Did you say your friend is slen- der? Tab — Well, she returned a silhouette gown because she couldn't make a shadow in it. — Judge. A — "Why does your mother always use Plymouth Rock eggs in making her cakes?" B — "Because they make the best layers." nn®nn "What fo' do they all call yo' grandpap, 'Uncle Tango'?" "Ain't yo' all noticed how he done shuffle his feet?" nn®nn • "An idea struck me." "The coward!" nn®nn Soiue fellers 'ud shure go t' heav'n ef they repeated the Responsive Readings in church as well as they do th' titles on th' films at the Movies. DD ® DD O.Mol'">ff "An Early Woodcut." 120 T Irt JB. ■S I R E n JU&Z A Rural Attachment. THE PROM.-CAN IT WAS What a funny thing a Prom are. Only rich feller can go. And when go. cann't tango. I reckon barn dance will be did But Uncle Hiram, he sed. — "Gosh! That dance aint so bad Folks thinks it's wrong 'cause it's a fad." And t'other day I tried to learn To do that dance, and Gosh Durn! When I danced with that gal Lizzie I couldn't think of no bad. — too gol darned busy Doing that dance and keeping step To think of anything else, by Heck 'Taint wrong. nn® nn ox OUR TONGUE'S TIP "If you were suddenly beset by a Princeton Tiger, what would you request him to do?" "Oh. I'd say, 'Do purr, do.' " nn ® nn Old Si( visiting the city) — Could you tell me where the National Bank is? Xews Kid — I'll tell you for a quarter. Old Si — Vou should not a^;k so much for such in- formation. Xews Kid — Well, I can't be a bank director for noth- ing. Christmas Gifts That please are the kind that you'll find at Ray L. Bowman's Diamonas, WatcKes and JeAvelry We just feel this way about it that to buy your Gihs without seeing our selec- tion would be cheating yourself both in design and price. Ivay L. Bowman THE GIFT STORE Walker Opera House Champaign, III. 121 WATCH THIS PAGE FOR THE COMING DANCES ORANGE & BLUE CRYSTAL Jan. 17 Jan. 17 Jan. 30 Feb. 7 Apr. 11 May 30 ONYX Dec. 13 Jan. 16 Feb. 21 May 16 GRIDIRON Jan. 9 Mar. 14 May 9 May 30 VARSITY Jan. 24 Feb. 28 Mar. 14 April 18 MAKE YOUR DATES EARLY HOW IT HAPPENED (Continued from Page ii8) that I didn't mind the walk over into the Urbana quiet district. I knew I was going to enjoy that Friday night and began to bet with myself on how many dances I would have with her, but I was not pre- pared for what was coming. She was one of them dancers that's so even gaited that you know the orchestr's workin' with you and that's all. But that free cab ride was the revelation. 1 knew she was well bred, but I did not expect nothing like that. She says she's just had a line fro,m Aunty up in Chi — wanting her to come up the next week-end for the charity ball and be sure to bring an escort from the many college men she knew she must have met. I did not remember much after that. I just grabbed hold of that tassle they use on the curtains at funerals, said pleased to meet you and held my breath for 7 blocks. The next hundred and fifty-eight hours v^'as one smear. I emerged in a state of mind that couldn't be touched by a stude pledged Tau Rate on a cribbed record. And when I settled back beside her on the Seminole I felt like my hat band was full of rice. RUBIN & BOWMAN have picked out some gewgaws for which any regular IHini will be glad to trade a string of wampum, or two. The R.& B. Jewel Shop surely has some real ideas regarding what you and I and she will like for our Christmas presents. Bowman is a regular Indian name, and Rubin, well that certainly isn't Eyetalian Their's is a real lUini Gift Shop and the prices they quote are just right. Rubin & Bowman Two doors north of City Building on Neil Champaign. Your Mother Your Sister or the other fellow's Sister would appreciate a really good picture for a Christmas Gift. Our stock of pictures is unequalled in character and variety in this part of Illinois. Our framing IS THE BEST, mechan- ically and artistically. Bringus your orders. We will have the work ready for you promptly. Leslie Urhana 122 X M E I li E JM. e.1 IgvS^l^^ Chicago's Finest Hotel The central location, perfect service, excel' lent equipment, luxurious furnishings and home-like atmosphere make Hotel LaSalle the most popular hotel in Chicago. Whether you come to Chicago on pleas' ure or on business you will find Hotel La Salle the ideal place lo stay. It's easiest to reach— and closest to every place you want to go — Theatres, Public Buildings, Shopping Streets, Financial and Business Districts lie at its very door. Hotel La Salle gives more for the price you pay than any other hotel in Chicago. Everybody Likes Hotel La Salle KATES: One Person Per Day Koom with detached bath ' ' $2 to $3 P\00m with pnvate bath ' ' $3 to $5 Two Persons Per Day Fkoom with detached bath - - $3 to $5 P\oom with private bath - - S5 to S8 Two Connecting Rooms with Bath Per Day T^vo Persons ' ' ' ' $5 to $8 Four Persons ' ' ' - $8to$15 La Salle at Madison Street, Ernest J. Stevens, Vice President and Manager Arrov/ TANGO SHIRTS ARE an essentinl addition to the evening wardrobe of the well- dressed man. $2.00 and up. CLUETT. PEABODY & CO.. IKC. Makers He — Darling, why are you so sad? She (gulping down a sob)— Oh, dearest, I was just thinking this w-U be our last evening together until tomorrow night ! — ruck. "Before I married my wife I could lis- ten to her voice for hours." ■■.\nd now?" '•Xow I have lo."— Houston Post. The Chester Transfer Co. SOLICITS YOUR Baggage, Livery and Carriage Work 123 EAT TWIN CITY CREAMERY BUTTER ASK YOUR GROCER HIS VIEW Friend — And were you ever in Venice? Mr. Richquick — Yes. Slowest town I was ever in. The sewers were busted all the time we were tliere ! — Puck. I SHOULD SMILE Maiden — Do you day-dream much? Man — Oh, my, yes — you see, I'm a night watchman. — Clia/^arral. We Rent Visible Remingtons Visible Smith Premiers Visible Monarchs TFRMS- \ ^ ^"^^ ^^^ °"^ month ' ( $ I 5.00 for six months Machines in first-class condition. Sent anywhere Remington Typewriter Company \ Incorporated] 404 East Monroe St., I. O. 0. F. Bldg. Springfield, 111. J. H. NIEMANN, Jr. Local Representative 77 Neil St. Bell phone 448 Christmas Tip- Framed Enlargements from your fav- orite Film or our Campus Views are more Beautiful than Contact Prints. Straucn K.oaak Finisning Snop Alove Co-Op. Auto 2218 ON THE TROLLEY Conductor — Did I get your fare? Passenger — No. You rang it up. — Tiger. Jones — A bridegroom doesn't count for much at his own wedding. Smitli — No ; he might as well be Vice- President of the United States. — The Club Fellow. YEH, y'see Dad went here to school before I did and he — well dad wasn't exactly a mummy. Last Xmas 1 took him a coupla of Zom-Crayvats and th' ol' fellah was tickled t'death. Said it brought him back to the old days when he was here, when Lindy and Lowie and Moynie and Carrie an' the bunch were still m the grades and foot- ball was like the Mexican Revolution. Well, m on my way! Green Ave. ZrOIIl ZomDrO Ctampaign 124 X M E ' M ' d ■^^ -S I R E n theatre: HOUSE OF GOOD PICTURES LYRIC CLEAN, SANITARY AND WELL LIGHTED If you want to see Pictures that come from the largest and best manufacturers in the world — Vitagraph, Biograph, Pathe, Selig, Kalem, Edison, Lubin, and Essanny — Just Try Lyric Quality Every picture has been passed by the Na- tional Board of Censorship, every plot is full of interest and wholesome cleverness, every story is beautifully acted and superbly staged. Don't you think it worth while to tr^- it? PATHE WEEKLY Latest Illustrated News Picture EVERY MONDAY MULTIPLE REEL FEATURES Three Times a Week NEW PICTURES EVERY DAY The Illinois Billard Hall has moved to 306 and 308 Hickory Court Cavanaugh Bros, Smokers Sundries "Viiu were shi>utine thi , '■<'* s nKirniiig asked Smith. "Yes, I had to kill my dog," answered Jones. "Was he mad?" asked Smith. "Well," said Jones, "he didn't seem any too well pleased." — Lh'iiigsloii Lance. ™k printi sg o. BOOKS, MAGAZINES. ETC. Is a large part of our business WE PRINT THESE PERIODICALS: THE FACULTY LIST THE STUDENTS' DIRECTORY THE TRUSTEES' MINUTES THE ALUMNI QUARTERLY THE FORTNIGHTLY NOTES THE SIREN THE SIGMA XI QUARTERLY NORTH CENTRAL ASSOCIATION REPORT THE UNIVERSITY STUDIES STUDIES IN THE SOCIAL SCIENCES THE UNIVERSITY REGISTER, and Many Others. WE ARE EQUIPPED FOR ALL TECHNICAL PUBLICATIONS IF YOU HAVE PRINTING TO BE DONE WE KNOW^ HOW TO DO IT The Flanig'an-Pearson Co., Champaign, 111 125 X W JB. -^ — ""-^ » S I R E JH Student's Smile When calling at Maurer's Jewelry Store on Neil Street and see the New Stuff and the reasonable prices. Wal- demar Chains and Santoir Chains, Link Buttons, Scarf Pins, Tie Clasps, Watch j^Fobs, College Pins and Souvenirs all kinds. Charlie will treat you right — come Chas.Maurer, J eweler Next Door Elk Billiard HaU THE WHITE SHOP CLEANING and PRESSING Suits caUed for and delivered. Calls answered promptly Work done correcdy Deliveries made on time Phone Bell 1237 118 S. Race St. URBANA NEXT! I would I were an artist! 'Twould fill my soul with cheer; For when I got a thirst on, I'd draw a glass of beer. — California Pelican. Still, I'd like to be a woodman, And walk the forests through, And whenever I got hungry, I'd take a chop or two. — Princeton Tiger. The law would offer me more scope. I love the legal race. With thirst and hunger I could cope; Just order up a case. — Michigan Gargoyle. My occupation's better still. If you don't think so, try it. I coach the frisky chorus girls, And chicken is my diet. — Cornell Widow. But here in Minneapolis We go to Calhoun Beach And seated on the sandy shore, Enjoy a luscious peach. — Minneapolis Minne-ha-ha. A sporty hubby ain't so worse — There's one thing he can boast — No matter how late he returns, Wifie meats him with a roast. — Stanford Chaparral. On hashing over all this bull We're cowed and quail a-gnu This beets us, lettuce meat to-night And roll home in a stew. — Pelican. WE think this rather far-fetched stuff, Each verse an idle boast — Now notice, gentle reader We've contributed a roast. Miligan — If I lie after I;iving security aquil ter what I take away, will yez thrust me till nixt wake? Sands (the grocer) — Certainly. Miligan — Well, thin, sell me two av thim hams, an' kape wan av thim till I come agin. — Puck. Before your dance try the Beardsleys 6 o'clock dinners in our private din- ing room. f ■ ■■^^ffWy '^PUB^^ n nlMR ^_P ^^ i#jgikaiwg|^yyj||||| BEARDSLEY HOTEL Champaign, III, We have done our part in the selection of Seasonable Articles for the home. Christmas shopping need have no terrors for our cus- tomers. When you need Furniture Rugs or Pictures think of Mittendorf & Kiler Champaign, Illinois 126 ^. ^^ T..JM !£.■•■ ^.I R-E iH If You Want a Friend, Be One You may go from one printer to the other looking for a cheap price but when you want something in a hurry, and like you want it, there is only one place. THE UNIVERSITY PRESS Job Printers 'With An EstablisHed Reputation BOTH TELEPHONES LOOK FOR THE SIGN AT THE END OF THE STREET CAR LINE IN URBANA EMPIRE Steam Laundry 103 West University Ave. SHAW 6 PLOTNER BROS., Props. Telephones: Home 1392; Bell 748 CLOSE Star — Is your boarding house manager stingy? Ving — Stingy ! Why, it breaks his heart to feed the furnace. — Chaf'arra!. Old Lady Visitor — Poor man, what ever niadc yuu take up such a profession? Xo. 99765 — Well, mum, I fi.iund I could open me gym locker. — Cornell U'idov.: "Snmtthing is sure to turn up," said the bystander, as he hugged tlic leeward side of the T'lat-lron Building. — Jcslcr. WALKER VAUDF.VII.I.F. Daily Matinee 3 p.m., 10c and 13c; Evenings at 7:30 and 9:00, 1 5c and 25c RESERVED SEATS, BOTH SHOWS Now Playing a Tabloid Version of "c'2KeE%°"'l'he'lenclerfoot'' THURSDAY. DEC. I8ih D^^^,w,% ATHLETIC Koehm s girls A Series of Athletic Surprises MENLO MOORE'S DEc'^.II "FAIR CO-EDS" 127 T.ME;' SI REW UMLZmi^ .^'^^-"■^ - ' -^ m Engravings for College and HighSchool Publications BY LATEST NINETEEN THIRTEEN METHODS NATIONAL ENGRAVING COMPANY m CHAMPHION, ILLINOIS TOWARD THE PROM BUT INTO PARADISE (Continued from Page ii6) l)reaking of the sad news imtil there were in Lot's big machine cozily closed in and on their way to the Prom. "Miss Ella Ghent — Ella," he found himself saying, "I think I ought to tell you that there is to be no tango tonight according to the powers that be. I know that this edict strikes you harder than it does me, for you are so interested in getting up on this new dance stuff. It means so much to you to be able to show some of — " "Lot," protested the little "import," as she took advantage of a lurch to cuddle closer to him, "I only learned those dances so as not to disap- point you, for when you import you ex])ect — " "But Ella, think of the fun, the delight that you will miss in not being allowed those new- holds and positions which are not to be seen on the floor tonight." "There's no use of missing any [ileasure. Lot, if we stay in the car, where they can't see us." Lot quickly raised the curtain behind his driv- er's head. "Don't stop driving until further orders," he said, and pulled the curtain down tightly again. Two little gloved hands gripped his arm. And mysteriously he guessed that somewhere in perfumed darkness of the broad back seat, but easily found, were two pretty lips pursed for — Lot O'Cash. Champaign Steam Laundry Monroe & Keusink Bros., Proprietors Home Phone 1115 Bdl Phone 891 28 N. Neil Street, Opposite Walker Opera House PERCOLATORS $7.50,8.00,9.00, 10.00, 16.75 FLASHLIGHTS 75c. $1.00, 1.25. 1.75 2.00 Caldwell Electric Shop Champaign, III. Auto 1250 Bell 999 WHEN YOU TRAVEL TAKE THE Illinois Traction System Mckinley lines ^T Clean, Comfortable, Frequent, Convenient, Safe AUTOMATIC BLOCK SIGNALS Protect all Train Movements When You Go Home Ride the ''ROAD OF GOOD SERVICE'' 128 "Keeping in Front!'* You fellows know what that means ! We've been very successful in this regard with Fatima Cigarettes. By the way, these cigarettes were first sold in the college towns — and you agreed with us that they were good Then we put out for the big race, to make Fatimas of nation-wide reputa- tion, and today more are sold than any other cigarette in this country. No purer, or more caref-ally chosen tobacco grows than that in Fatimas. We purposely put them in a plain inexpensive wrappei — in this way we can afford quality tobacco, and twen- ty of the smokes for 15 cents. Now your college crew is of utmost importance to you — so is a good ciga- rette, and it's your aim in life to keep Fatimas in the lead — right up to their good quality— right up to where you first found them, and w ill always find them. Success fellows! You started this cigarette on its successful ^ areer — and you pull a strong -car til over this country. ^ TireKlSH BLEND "^ CIGARETTES 20 for \^^ "Distinctively LtdividiiaJ' m 37 NEIL STREET "Just a Moment Please" Just take a moment oflF in your hurried dash for business and refresh yourself n^^^ mentally and apparelly at this great bristling quality clothes store. We want you to get the one great bi^ surprise of the season by viewing our elabo- rate array of new Fall Suits in a score of models and our stunning new topcoats that are being sold here now. It's a safe bet that you could search the whole blessed town over and then wouldn't find such styles and such qualities and absolutely never such values as we will give you here now. J0%. fc>. f * * :^' yC^ V ybu can satisfy tne whims of your I ^ every desire. V^.'e would like to \^r5have yoi^r test us out." Just drop in anHrmake known your likes in Suit or Overcoat And then >eib ,ybw quickly we will trot out ie| very garment you have, been # thinking ot »-«>, JANUARY, 1914. VOLUME l((. NO. S OIREN EXAM NUMBER Dress Suits for Rent All Tailor Made $2.50 THE EVENING Engage them early for your formals FRED G. MARSHALL Tailoring and Furnishings BRADLEY ARCADE Arcade Bowling and Billiard Parlors are now running with most up-to- date equipment that could be pur- chased. Try them. Dewey & Roxey IINDIEY DINING SHOP Cor. Fourth and Green Streets Champaign Meals Served in Main Dining Room: DoUy Varden Tea Room: Open Sunday Evenings from 5:30 to 7:0« oon. You can't play hookey from the school of experience. — Jester. "As long as the corset stays." — Chaparral. Ara — I would never marry any one but a hero. Bella — You couldn't. — The Sun-Dial. ^D-i First Roommate — Where the are all my handkerchiefs? Second Roommate — All blown up. — Jack O'Lantcrn. ALL- FOR YOU Attention ''Short Coursers ' U. S. Post Office at The Co-Op. Western Union Telegraph at The Co-Op. Local Telephone at The Co-Op. Long Distance Telephone at The Co-Op. Check Room at The Co-Op. Safe Keeping Depository at The Co-Op. Writing Tablets at The Co-Op. 1 he Co--Op. We Excel in Service AT THE COTILLION Bright Bean — "My collar's too tight. Decollette Dear — "A tight collar always makes me sick. You're sure to have sore throat." Bright Bean — "I'll bet you'll have indigestion, or at least heart trouble. — Chaparral. Brick — "What become of the 'Athletic Edition' of the daily?" Bat — "You mean the sporting edition?" Brick — "Yes." Bat — "I guess it was too strong for the faculty." — A^orthzcestcrn. AT THE BANQUET "My plate is damp." "Thar's the soup, old cockerel !" — Jester. He (at piano) — Don't you think this is a beautiful melody? She — Yes. I consider it quite a strain.- — Jack O' Lantern. Father of 1917 — Those language courses are expensive things. Here my son gets charged $20 extra for English. Father of 1916 — That's nothing. My son has an $85 extra for Scotch. — Harvard Lampoon. 132 T. in IB -^M'/a 4«&^==ii^ 3 1 R. E JH p ure Candi les In our new sanitary candy kitchen, we are making a line of pure, wholesome home-made candies fresh every day that excel in quality, any made in these two burgs. We have four expert candy manipulators; and they are busy daily, concoctmg dainty confections for you. Visitors Welcome at any Time to Candy Shop HARRIS and MEAD J 20 Green Ave. Opposite the Big Tree Spalding & Quirk 2 Dru^ Stores Red Cross Store Green St. Pharmacy 59 N. Neil 6th and Green Exclusive Druggists CARRYING A JOKE TOO FAR "What do you think of the jokes Bill brought over from England?" "I think they were pretty far fetched." — The Princeton Tiger. Ed — I can tell that you have the "movies" habit all right. Edna — Why, how's that? Ed — Why, by that filmy look in your e\es. — The Chaparral. Madame — Did you know that sheep are the stupidest things in the world? Monsieur — Yes. my lamb. — The Princeton Tiger. WE HAVE THEM Electric Lamps for Every Use Desk Lamps Floor Lamps Portable Lamps Fixtures and Domes IDEAL ELECTRIC SHOP W6 N. Walnut Court Bell 1998 Anything Electrical Auto 1015 133 g^ X ira JE. 3 1 R. E n EAT TWIN CITY CREAMERY BUTTER ASK YOUR GROCER Do y'know gang, there's one li'l ol' study that sure keeps me from falling asleep and snorin' right out loud — guess what! Studyin' the new duds over ' Zoms. Bokoo study, eh what? Nice part about it is that, if you study em just now and then, you can pass any ol' examination that you can run up against. Zom Zomb mbro Ch ampaign GROUNDS FOR COMPLAINT Hip— Taste this! Hop — Why, that's the best soup I ever tasted. Hip — Yes, but the steward had the gall to say it was coffee. — The Giirgoyle. -D- Drug Clerk — Xow what kind of a tooth brush did you want? Ole Olson — Oh, it mus' be strong wan ; dere bane seven ane my famle. — The Purple Coiv. 1 ™^ PRI STIISG o- BOOKS, MAGAZINES, ETC. Is a large part of our business WE PRINT THESE PERIODICALS: THE FACULTY LIST THE STUDENTS' DIRECTORY THE TRUSTEES' MINUTES THE ALUMNI QUARTERLY THE FORTNIGHTLY NOTES THE SIREN THE SIGMA XI QUARTERLY NORTH CENTRAL ASSOCIATION REPORT THE UNIVERSITY STUDIES STUDIES IN THE SOCIAL SCIENCES THE UNIVERSITY REGISTER, and Many Others. WE ARE EQUIPPED FOR ALL TECHNICAL PUBLICATIONS IF YOU HAVE PRINTING TO BE DONE ■WE KNOW HOW TO DO IT The Flanig'an-Pearson Co., Champaig'n, III - 134 YOUR SPRING SUIT WILL BE TAILORED OVER EXCLUSIVE ENGLISH MODELS, FROM IM- PORTED WOOLENS, RICHLY LIN- ED WITH SILK, AT TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS. BYTHE BOND STREET ENGLISH CLOTHIERS. MR. FISKE WILL CALL ON YOU CH.WGE FOR THE WORSE "That's not fare," remarked the conductor, as a passenger handed him a plugged nickel. — The Siiii-Dial. Hot Point Traveling Set $5.00 Electric iron, curling iron heater, stove and pan in leather bag . . .... Calcl\vell Electric Shop Champaign Auto 1250, Bell 999 In Order to Care for our Increasing Trade We Have Added Another Barber Best of Service Assured Y. M. C. A. Barber Shop Y. M. C. A. Bldg. E. P. Gaston, Prop. I. 35 "fcaii 1st Chair (rising and feeling in his pocket) — Caramba I I've forgotten my pipe. 2nd Chair (.wearily) — I bite. Have a cigarette. — Tiger. Father of 1917 — Those langnage courses are expensive things. Here iny son gets charged $20 extra for English. Father of 1916 — That's nothing. My son has an $85 extra for Scotch. — Lam foil. ■'.\ little go a long way." said the man as he spit ofif the Wool- worth Building. — Lampoon. ADVERTISEMENT Professor — Do you really think football worth while? Student — Yes, indeed. I made $100 scalping tickets this season — Sphinx. Bubbs — Well, how are your New Year's resolutions wearing? Dubbs — Fine ! Had one little puncture, but nothing like a regular blowout. — Tradesman. Pa — Now what's the old hen eating them tacks for? Willie (just home from college) — Perhaps she is going to lay a carpet. — Sun Dial. GET IT!! Go where you get the best SERVICE; The most ATTENTION. The greatest FIELD to select horn. The GOODS with a HOUSE behind them. And LAST, the SAVING which is yours. DEMAND a rebate check. GET THESE and you will have IjL The CO-OP HABIT THE LIGHT OF LOVE Cora — Were you and Jack in the dark ? Dora — Yes. until we struck a match. — Judge. '15 — "How much did the party cost you and Bill last night? '16 — "Eighty cents." '15— "Is that all?" '16 — "Yep. that's all he had." — Lampoon. Dorms — Some new stuff drifted in tliis afternoon. His Roomy — Who was she? Dorms — A pile of snow. — Burr. 161 Michael (to drug clerk) — "I want a cake of soap." "Scented or unscented?" "I'll put it right in my pocket." — Jester. He — I hope I see you well tonight. She — So do I. You Couldn't at the last dance. — Lampoon. She — Can you lame duck? "No, but I can kill time." said the youth, stealing a kiss. — Lampoon. They must ask a lot for rooms like these. Yes, they're always asking for it. — Lampoon. EAT TWIN CITY CREAMERY BUTTER ASK YOUR GROCER "*" \ 1038 TELEPHOMES 1676 Aufomafic I ^212 HEGENBART CO. GROCERIES WHOLESALE AND RETAIL H. & D, FLOUR 49 LB. SACK FOR $1.25 We guaranlee (his Hour fo give absoiuie salishclion or we will refund your money. When in need of Groceries give us a trial. PROMPT DELIVERY. 101 and 103 Norih Neil St. CHAMPHIGN, ILLINOIS The duds for Spring and S ummer ihat Zom is selling now a days are mighty appealing. Order 'em early is the good word. Zom Zombro, Green Street. A 1 nnuais Before placing your order for cabs for your parties Figure Witk Us It costs no more than the old-fash- ioned way Herrick and Stoltey Auto 1543, Bell 187 1 ne Brown Taxi s and Limousines HE'S IX AG.-MN Say, my zoology prof, has gone to a dippy retreat. Whatddye mean — bugs? Yeah — tried to prove two porcupines made a prickly pair. )'(i/i' Record. "I think Tom and his pretty wife are living above their station," Friend (just returned from a visit to Tom's) — Yes, three miles. — Jester. "After me the Deluge," chuckled Xoah as he shoved Mrs. Xoah into the ark. — Jester. The Chester Transfer Co. SOLICITS YOUR Baggage, Livery and Carriage Work 162 Something Different Mexican Chili, Hot Tamales and Ligkt Lunckes AT THE ALAMO 'THE HOME OF GOOD THINGS TO EAT" STUART BRADLEY ARCADE BOHNHORST JUST TO OBLIGE The doctor says I must quite smoking. One lung is nearly gone. Oh, dear John, can't you hold out until we get enough coupons for that dining rcom rug? — Mcchigan Tradesman. Grace — "I told him he must not see me anymore." Her Brother— "Well, what did he do?" Grace — "Turned out the light I" — Jack-o'-Lanlcni. The inventor of Scotch is dead, but his spirit is with us still. — Jester. Yoa Pay Tell the deal- er you want ^^ Lewis' Single for Binder cigars ^^^ Hot /Annual Sales '" 12,000,000 a Good year proves good qualify Rich, Miid Quality That Never Varies The Irish Players IRISH PLAYS LAUGHTER— PATHOS -SENTIMENT Matinee and Evening Only Matinee Bill Kathleen-Ni-Houlihan By W B. TE.A.TS The Building Fund Three act Comedy WM. B( )TLE Spreading the News By LADY GREGORY Evening Bill The Well of the Saints A Three-act Comedy by J. M. STXGE Soveriegn Love By T. C. MURRAY One Day Only, Marck 21st ILLINOIS THEATRE 163 A GAME OF THREE When love is a game of three, One heart can win but pain, While two between them share the joy, That each had hoped to gain. And one, in his biter sadness Smiles on lest the others see; While two, in their new found gladness Forget, 'twas a game of three. 164 T.JW ^.- •• 3 1 R S JH THERE IS NO DANGER This is to certify that this sheet has been passed hy the Irrational Board of Senselessness. That it is free from both humor and contagion. J 65 Editor L. W. Ramsey Associate Editor A. R. ROHLFING D. T. Carlisle BuRRiLL Wright R. L. Barlow R. Hill BOARD OF EDITORS Art Editor Business Manager R. F. Field A. C. Strong Associate Art Editor L. D. TiLDEN Staff M. O. Nathan Harry Weber B. Barnard V. D. Cylkowski C. M. Ferguson Geo. Gill F. H. Babcock E. H. Morissey C. L. Molinelli Published monthly during the college year by the students of the University of Illinois. Entered as second class matter, January 2, 1912, at postoffice at Champaign, III., under .\ct of Congress March 3, 1879. Subscription 7Sc per year in advance ; out of town subscriptions, $1.00; single copies, loc; special numbers, 25c. All business communications should be sent to A. C. Strong, Siren office. Communications should be sent to L. W. Ramsey, Siren office, over Harris & Mead's. O indoor sports ! And the greatest of these is fussing. Did you ever go fishing in the good old-fashioned way? Yes? You remember how you used to catch perfectly good fish by merely putting a common worm on a bent pin. The fish would be attracted to that ugly old worm and in playing around would get too enthusiastic and pretty soon would be caught on the hook. I never could figure out how a perfectly intelligent fish could get so crazy about a common ordinary worm like that and get hooked up for life. Why. a worm hasn't even any eyes or a head. Oh, it's just past me, that's all. P.ut we were talking about fussing. Let's see, well the fusser gets hooked alright, and about the bait, well — well, I just can't understand about the fish, — that's all. nn ® nn THEN to think that just as soon as we were able to begin to enjoy the pleasures of having no organization to know we receive the news. Yes, no matter how absurd it is it is nevertheless so, there will be :io Illinois Union Dramatic Club Sacrifice. Is it possible that we will have to stand by and see the burial of one of Illinois' best institutions? We certainly have more versatile men this year than ever before, and all other indications were for a good show. Now to be perfectly frank the Siren smiled every time she thought of those happy two nights in April and besides there might develop an ingenue for Juline Eltinge. It is up to the Illinois Union Dramatic Club to make the fight of their sweet life, and they may rest assured that the body of students will help hold their coat. 166 CHARACTERISTICALLY, most of us have seen only the funny things of the season of epidemic. But even the most frivolous of us must pause to reflect in sadness upon the tragedies which have marked the past month. -Among them one particular deed of heroic martyrdom stands forth — one shining act of supreme sacrifice and unselfishness. It will not be forgotten. In appreciation of it we address this slight memorial to her who gave her life in the performance of her duty. Into the thick of the plague she went, Danger on every side. But she heard the call of humanity's need, And she put all else aside. "Greater love hath no man — " Said our Saviour — "than this — That he lay down his life for another". So we stand with heads bowed, And we whisper with awe — "She died for mantcind — and a brother". an ©nn HE SIREX in her demure, seductive manner, would like to get her hands on some of the hitherto undiscovered wits. If one will refrain from turning in tango jokes, promise not to write an Illinois song, so much the better. Who knows but that a De \'inca or De Quincy lies slumbering around some college fireside. Close your eyes and think of a pleasant hillside and we'll inject a model. Fresh — Must I use this Illinois Magazine to start the fire with? Upper Classman — No use — it's too dry to burn. nn ® nn Musical Terms — "Ragtime" 167 "Ma, Willyum sez thet College keeps him steppin' lively all the time. I reckon the poor boy is about tuckered out." nn©nn THE POOR LITTLE GERM. It was a happy company, The house was full of song. And thirty-two, brave men and true, Made merry all day long. They crowded 'round the evening fire And many tales were told. Of co-ed conquests, feats of strength, And deeds both brave and bold. But, limping into town one day, With halting steps and slow, A little crippled fever-germ Came toiling through the snow. His eye was dim, his teeth were gone, His life hung by a thread, But all the papers wrote him up. And everybody read. It was a mournful company. The house was full of fumes. And only two, brave men and true, In dimsal, empty rooms They sat before the cheerless fire. And spoke in whispers low. Of sulphur and formaldehyde, And wished they, too, might go. For all the boastful band had fled. To north and south and east. Before the frightful onslaught of That decrepit little beast. —X. T. C. The kind of stepping Wm. does most. nn®nn OF COURSE Prosli— "Wliat is a naturalist?" Sopli— "One wlio catches gnats." nn® DD LEAVE IT TO THE DOG. She— "Why does a dog walk round and round before he finally settles down to sleep?" He— "He is trying to find the head of the bed." nn®nn First Aid to the Injured. 168 X..M IE. E ja'E n Mr. Lion (the host) — Which do you prefer? Light or dark meat? nn® DD A DORIVI. Time — Sunday morning. Place — Sleeping dorm. Dramatis Personae — Two bedmates. First B. M — What time is it? .Second B. M. — Nine o'clock. First B. M. — Oh, gee, I've got to sleep three more long hours yet. LITTLE WILLIE KNOWS. Teacher — "Now to explain the meaning of "una- wares" — you tcll us what you would say if some one came into your room unexpectedly while you were dressing. Little Willie — -"T should say that they caught me 'underwarcs.' " DD ® DD HIGH FINANCE. Ferdie — "I understand that Jinisie is pretty close with his money." Claudie — "Well I should say so. He can bust a nickle to buy a morning paper and have spending money the rest of the week. nn©nn Said the manufacturer of the Victrola, "We're going to discontinue advertising our products, they speak for themselves." nn®nn The Germ of Enthusiasm. 169 WHY GO TO PALM BEACH WHEN THERE 7^5^^^ ^ AYTOMOBILE WCiAYJ AT YOVR :H a gay whirl IN CH AM PAIGN-U R BAN A IM^ X..JW Ei- A MODERN PAUL REVERE I Listen, my children, and you shall hear An incredible tale for mortal ear, How John Doe's name came known to fame As a twentieth century Paul Revere. II 'Twas midnight then, and cold as h — II, The house was quiet as a graveyard spell When there suddenly rang a mysterious clang, The call of the telephone bell. Down to the phone came Johnny the bold, Grabbed the receiver with fearless hold. Then came to his ear a message clear, "The soldiers are coming", a strange voice told. IV "Shades of Blackstone! What tidings are these? Militia coming?" He fell to his knees. "And me flat broke with nothing to soak. I must catch the next blind if I freeze." Who is this thundering down the hall. Whose cries re-echo from wall to wall. And answer back thru each chink and crack Striking black terror to hearts of all? VI "The soldiers are coming — they're on the way, They are due to arrive at the break of day. It's on the level, let's run like the devil. Let all of us flee and no one stay." VII This clarion call twelve times did sound Till all of the children gathered round And shook in their shoes as they heard the news The soldiers would soon be on the ground. VII! And everyone trembled in awful suspense, When up spoke a voice, "I've got seventy cents, I'll swap my stock for rolling stock. Clear the track, I'm going hence." IX Then someone opened wide the door; He crouched like a runner upon the floor. Like a comet's flight across the night Johnny was off on his world wide tour. Next morning all of the children who stayed Gazed out of the window with eyes afraid. But naught could be seen of the bayonet's sheen- It was plain to us all that a trick had been played. XI The moral of this to all is clear, And may well be heralded far and near — Don't run like Johnny from mythical cannon. Nor always believe what you hear. DD ® DD A Belle for the Chimes. 172 BILL IS ALWAYS KICKIN'. When Bill came into this world The doctor said he was sick. But long before he opened his eyes Bill began to kick. All through life he never changed, And he never worked a lick. Even when fortune came his way Bill would always kick. One day he went to college The coach was on to his trick. They put him on the football team, And all he did was kick. At last one day he killed a man. The jury condemned him quick. They hanged him on the gallows And the last thing Bill did was kick DD® nn "Do you believe in indoor sports?" "Yes. But there's danger in kissing.' nn®nn Cutting Quite a Figure. "Mrs. Ostrich, your son Willie just ate six of those tin cans we were to have for dessert." D D ® D n WHEN— When we get a laugh from the Campus Scout, When a Big 4 train's on time, When Ekblaw brings the North Pole home. And aeroplanes cost a dime. When Tommy Dean begins to chew. When the Champaign weather's bright, When Puny Hill is a football star. And Boone stays home at night. When co-eds use the "Libe" for work. When Healy gets thru war, When "Po" Field makes an 8 o'clock, And this scarlet fever's o'er. When Prexy gets to a game on time. And our chimes begin to ring. The Student's Union will then we hope. Be doing some little thing. nn®nn KILL THE BRUTE. "The Chicago papers say that the student was shot while traveling near the Gas House." "Oh, you can't believe the Chicago papers; I don't think it was more than half as bad as that." 173 AT THE MARDI GRAS BAL MASQUE. He — "I am so sorry that I slipped during that da nee. You know we almost fell " She — "Don't worry about that, everyone thought we were doing a new step and they are all wild to have us teach them." CUPID TEACHES THE ONLY COURSE WHICH EVERYBODY TAKES There are teachers in this "Uni" Giving courses of all kinds, From the calm pursuits of farming, To the engineering grind. How to find the right cotangent. How to feed a pig some pills, How to test for germination. How to shave down window sills. Each man has his own small preference. Each finds pleasure in one line. From Litman's Economic course. To how to run a mine. There's a course which enters students. Of all kinds and shapes and makes. And Cupid teaches us this course. Which everybody takes. He's a rather easy teacher, Tho his marks run pretty low, 'Specially if you use your cuts. Or often fail to go. It's a pretty darn poor gamble, But we'll play, whate'er the stakes. When Cupid's teaching us this course, Which everybody takes. nn®nn "I see by the papers that Chinese eggs are being sold in Philadelphia." "And, by George! I don't know what's wrong, — the tariff or the alien laws." 174 X M E ,S 1 U E /< Uii HE STUCK IT OUT. At midnight the phone rang violently. "Is this the B. U. G. House?" rumbled an ominous voice in the ear of a freshman. "It is," admitted the innocent youth. "Tell the fellows to beat it away from the scarlet fever, for the soldiers are coming to quar- antine the town in the morning. The 2 :45 for Chi is your only chance to escape. Get out. Goodbve." Then came the mad rush among us to get away from the fever and the quarantine. Above the weeping of the freshmen, some of us older fel- lows called ourselves together to hold a council of war. \\'e first broke up the sob fest of the scared freshmen, and told them to pack and get out if they thought that their folks were worrying about them in the least. So while the greencaps were packing their Bibles and picture galleries in preparation for leaving, we, the older, and the bolder ones parleyed thus : Brother Bill looked magnificent in his pajamas as he stood up to stem the tide of the sentiment in favor of fleeing. He spoke, "I for one. men, won't leave this place, stricken as it is. My girl has had scarlet fever once and isn't going home. and I — I am going to hang around to keep her company. I'm no bunk hero, but I will endanger my life to this extent for her sake: I say stick for her sake." Bill sat down, overcome with emotion. And then somebody was mean enough to suggest that Bill would be a victim of heart disease before the fever would ever get to him. As soon as order got the upper hand of our assemblage again. Brother Jack spit at the grate impressively, and delivered himself in this man- ner, "I don't know, fellows, but I believe that we can do no good by staying. I think the fresh- men have the right hunch in getting away from this scarlet fever, and going home. .\ fellow feels safer under his own roof surrounded by his family, trusted physician, and loving frienils, where care of the best kind is assured. I'm going to Chicago." Well, Tack lives in Monticello. Init his speech converted half the gang to his plan of going to Chicago, the Mecca of the fever fugtitives. At this moment Brother Jim solemnly arose, and argued thiswise: "I'm telling you. fellows, that it would be all right to stay here and face the music, if we had the proper dope to do it with. There isn't a decent throat wash or gargle in the Twin Cities that you can get legally, while down in my home town, my uncle wholesales the best brand that is distilled. I hereby, and now, extend to any. or all of the brothers an invitation to come home with me and sterilize themselves against these here germs. We can get an inter- urban car east in thirty-five minutes." After the rush I looked around and saw that Bill and I were alone. "Say, Stub, aren't you going, too?" asks Bill softlike. "Nope, I'm broke." "Here old man, smoke this Rope-enda, it's the best little fumigator that ever was invented, and cheer up and I'll tell you about Sally's case." And there I was. marooned in a big house with a love sick senior, and with all the worries of a commissary wondering how I was going to pay the cook for the week. DD ® DD No. 99, the new shade, doesn't seem put out at all because of our crowded sleeping condition." "Oh, no — he cames from a college rooming house " 175 T M E • 3 1 R. E K THL MUST! PU'''iis^'^> the: M05T COMMON :)?mb •THE Most e-xcitinc ^cV* 176 Po(u)ring Over His Books. nn®nn AN AFTERNOON OFF. (^ne cold, damp, afternoon in January, I stoofl l)y the Laboratory window and iwatched the students splash jilay fully down the sidewalks. I tired of watching that human game of checkers in which the men and queens would move from one spot of high land to another and turned my attention to the apparatus within. Before me was the electrical equipment around which shocking occurrences were hap- pening every minute even under the very nose of the instructor. Over in the corner stood the Leyden Jar which the Static machine had just charged but not bought. Upon the table lay the youthful Iron Filings who was slowly but surely being attracted by Miss Magnet. At one side, two contact points had become attached to each other and were sparking viciously but content- edly, and no one seemed to object any more than if they were on the South Caiupus. In a basin on the shelf the unfortunate Mr. Co])per Atom was being divorced from his molecular mate Miss Sully Fate in the Electro- lysis Court, because he had become entangled in the coils of Miss Vi Brater. Everyone about me was reading the Current News which fear- lessly supported "Volts for Women." here before me was the North and South Pole and my unbelieving eyes saw them to be con- nected by a single wire. I began to doubt my own senses. Weary of this strange world I turned towards the South Farm and here and there I saw in the distance the hydrolic rams with their coats of mineral wool glistening in the sunset as they grazed upon the magnetic fields of the Universe. That was too much, so putting on my umbrella and taking my coat in uiy hand I started home to study for the examination in Physical Train- ing. nn ® DD ISN'T IT TRUE. Bill — "Widower Smith is certainly a cautious man, he plays safe on everything." Sam — "Why, what has he done now?" Bill — "Well, he married his former wife's sister rather than take a chance on a change of mother-in- laws." DD® DD THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. Mother — "If smoking cigarettes is not a liahit, what is it?" Ferdie — "I would say, mother dear, that it is a hurn- ing desire." nn®nn SCARLET FEVER STUFF. First Stude — "Why is scarlet fever like a coat?" Second Stude — "Go on, I'll bite." First Stude — "Because it's on everybody's tongue." nn®nn THE FIEND. "Play billiards?" "No." .."Pool?" "Yes, leopard pool." "How?" "Oh, I always spot 'em." nn® nn Some fellers seem to hev quarantines on their I laughed as I thought of Cook and Peary for brains so their ideas can't get out. 177 c.ffCvdjtdL The Cause of the Vacation. THE COLLEGE BRADSTREET In our old kid days at school, Childhood's happy care-free time, Each new fact or spelling rule, Would be taught to us In rhyme. THE BRUTE. Harry — "Poor old Dick is dead. Let's see — he was married forty years." John — "Lucky for Dick — he imist have been pre- pared to die." So I've made a little verse Telling each fraternity's mark, From the best down to the worst. Passed by censor T. A. Clark. Acanthus, Iris and Zeta Psi, All came close to 85 While the lads in T. K. E. Averaged up to 83. Beta, Alpha Delt, D. U , And the Delts made 82, While 81 in sound you know, Somes so near to A. T. O., That they always stay just so. Now 80 is the grade you see, Of the Phi Delts, S. A. E., Sigs and Dekes did pretty fine. Got an average of 79. Phi Kaps, Phi Psis rather late, Made a grade of 78. While Theta Delts and Sigma Nus Thinking probably, "What's the use,' Finished up in the caboose. DD® DD AT THE MOVIES. Sue — "Oh, let's go in and see this show. Tliey ad- vertise it as a two reel production." Flo — "Well, the movies are getting better every day, but I don't see how they can be two real." nn ® DD NOT THE HEN'S FAULT. Little Susie — "Mother, you ought not blame those storage eggs for being bad." Mother — "Why, daughter, why do you say that?" Little Susie — "Well, mother, just think how long they tried to be good." If you are an English boy don't waste your time on this. 178 r^jriNTiON^ The Military Bawl. nn©nn Ten joyful students going out to dine, They heard about the smallpox and then there were but nine. Nine sorrowful students sitting by the grate, One of them got vaccinated and then there were but eight. Eight worried students dreaming about heaven. Someone reported ten new cases and then there were but seven. Seven scared students not wise to foolish tricks, One believed the rumors they heard and then there were but six. Six terrified students, barely still alive. Someone suggested quarantine and then there were but five. Five horror stricken students heard a knock upon the door. One saw it was a doctor, and then there were but four. Four frantic students, so scared they could hardly see. The doctor looked down each throat and then there were but three. Three trembling students wondering what to do. The doctor pronounced it smallpox and then there were but two. Two dumfounded students not knowing which way to run, The doctor put one in bed and then there was but one. One lonely student, the last one of so many, The pest wagon came along and then there was not any. DD ® nn Kirst Citizen — W Iiy is a Championship football team like the kind of a man that does all his trading at a department store? Second Graft Victim — Spring it. First Citizen — You've got to give them credit. — Dart- mouth Jack-o'-Lantcrn. DD ® DD H ow s Y our WATCH? If it is not running accurately perhaps it needs a little adjusting. Bring it in to us and we'll give it expert attention. Our thirty years of honest deahng has helped us to win the public's confidence. Our watchwords are c AREFULNESS OU RTES Y APABILITY RAY L. BOWMAN Where the Quality is ALWAYS RIGHT WALKER OPERA HOUSE, CHAMPAIGN. ILL. 179 J^S jL Jlim ^HJliF: WATCH THIS PAGE FOR THE COMING DANCES ORANGE Apr Ma) t, BLUE . 11 t 30 CRYSTAL Mar. 28 Apr. 18 ONYX GRIDIRON VARSITY May 16 April 4 April 18 May 9 MAKE YOUR DATES EARLY FROM THE MADHOUSE JOURNAL Dr. K. reports a strange occurrence. His house has always been a substantial frame structure, but he was quite horrified the other morning to wake up and find that it was stone. He believes the wind made it rock. — Lain[t. EVADING THE QUESTION Mistress — Are you a good cook? Applicant — Yes'm. I go to church every Sunday. — Judge. CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE "I thought your daughter received me rather stiffly." "Ah ! Then she did go to tliat Tango lesson yesterday." — Judge. ELECTRIC FIRELESS COOKERS $35 - $50 Cook a Chicken dinner for six people for six cents. THE CALDWELL CO. Champaign ^glVwJ ISO gjcl XgvS^ll 5' a 5^ ''■;;•■•; •<^ ? 3 3 v" ^Ji r/i ' 1 Chicago's Finest Hotel The central location, perfect service, excel- lent equipment, luxurious furnishings and home-like atmosphere make Hotel La Salle the most popular hotel in Chicago. Whether you come to Chicago on pleas- ure or on business you will find Hotel La Salle the ideal place to stay. It's easiest to reach— and closest to every place you want to go — Theatres, Public Buildings, Shopping Streets, Financial and Business Districts lie at its very door. Hotel La Salle gives more for the price you pay than any other hotel in Chicago. Everybody Likes Hotel La Salle KATES: 7^ One Person Per Day P^oom \A/ith detached bath - ' $2 to $3 Psoom with private bath ' ' $3 to $5 Two Persons Per Day Koom with detached bath ' ' $3 to $5 Ps,oom with private bath ' ' $5 to $8 Two Connecting Hooma with Bath Per Day Two Persons ' •- ' ' $5 to $8 Four Persons ' ' ' ' $8 to $15 La Salle at Madison Street, Ernest J. Stevens, Vice President and Manager Y. M. C. A. BARBER SHOP COLICITS a share of your patron- age, and in return \s ill give you the best of service. Y. M. C. A. Building E. P. Gaston, Prop. PIG AND PAT "Patrick, you were on a bad spree yesterday," saiil a friend, reproachfully. "Vis, sir, Oi was tliot," replied Patrick. "Bless me, if Oi wasn't lying in the gutter with a pig. Father Dunn come along an' looked •it me, an' he says, says he : " "One is known by the company he kapes.' ".\nd did you get up, Patrick?" "Oi did not, but the pig did." — Michigan Tradesman. Here's where I forge ahead, cried the counterfeiter as he put. the finishing touches to the Indian on a five dollar bill. — Lampoon. PURELY ACCIDE.XTAL Soph — Did yon hear aljout the awful accident? Frosh — No, what? Soph — A rough had his eye on a girl's ankle and she twisted it. — Chafi/'araL "May I marry your daughter?" Sir Percival cried To her father who stood by the aeroplane's side. But to never a word did the bounder give vent ; Just cranked up his motor and gave his ascent. — Lampoon. The Illinois Billard Hall has moved to 306 and 308 Hickory Court Cavanaugh Bros. Smokers Sundries 181 T m: Es •■ ,S I K. JB JH MW '/Mfi^z^'.^'-^---^ 'm4 Why all This Noise About the Tango? Watch one of the "Hango" co-eds on one of "Mac's" crowded street cars going to Urbana to find the best little print shop on the system — THE UNIVERSITY PRESS PRINTERS THAT PLEASE We never eat, sleep, nor worry —our help does all that. Come and see us. Boih telephones and a privilege of "Hanging On" the Straps. Champaign Steam Laundry Monroe & Keusink Bros., Proprietors Home Phone 1115 Bell Phone 897 28 N. Neil Street, Opposite Walker Opera House WASTED AMMUNITION A man who had never been duck hunting shot at a duck in tlie air. Tlie duck fell to the ground. "Well, you got him !" exclaimed the amateur's friend. "Yes ;" replied the amateur, "but I might as well have saved my annnunition — the fall would have killed him." — Boston Post. Snooter had almost reached the top of the stairs — it was three .'\. M. — there was his wife waiting for him. John, you're drunk again. Well, if I'm not. retorted Snooter, I've — hie — spent three dollars and si.\ bits — hie — for nuthin at all. — Coyote. ™- PRIS TING o- BOOKS, MAGAZINES, ETC. Is a large part of our business WE PRINT THESE PERIODICALS: THE FACULTY LIST THE STUDENTS' DIRECTORY THE TRUSTEES' MINUTES THE ALUMNI QUARTERLY THE FORTNIGHTLY NOTES THE SIREN THE SIGMA XI QUARTERLY NORTH CENTRAL ASSOCIATION REPORT THE UNIVERSITY STUDIES STUDIES IN THE SOCIAL SCIENCES THE UNIVERSITY REGISTER, and Many Others. WE ARE EQUIPPED FOR ALL TECHNICAL PUBLICATIONS IP YOU HAVE PRINTING TO BE DONE WE KNOW HOW TO DO IT The Flanig'an-Pearson Co., Champaign, 111 1S2 X M ]& • 1^1 Vll'tl Watches Repaired No Disappointments Bring your watches, clocks and jewelry for repairs. We do first class work and will not disappoint you. Come and trade where most students do. Charlie will treat you right. CH/\S. M/\URER Jeweler and Optician 4tli Door Nortti of Opera House THE WHITE SHOP CLEANING and PRESSING Suits caHed for and delivered. Calls answered promptly Work done correctly Deliveries made on time Phone Bell 1237 118 S. Race St. URBANA HIGHER EDUC.A.TION (Cornell University has added a course in horseshoeing to its curriculum.) Cornell has a horse-shoeing college I Our schools are awakened at last. The pupils will now acquire knowledge They well might have missed in the past ! Let Harvard now teach manicuring. And Yale give a course in massage — Let Princeton impart the fine points i>{ the art Of cleaning the barn and garage ! When Dartmouth shall satiate the craving For lessons in scrubbing of floors ; When Vassar gives courses in paving, .\nd Case teaches general chores ; When Michigan educates bell-hops. And Wellesley imparts Pounding Sand, Education shall creep from its aeonlong sleep. And Science shall rule in the land ! Xow- Williams shall teach us pants-pressing. Reserve give Ditch Digging D.D.'s ; Johns Hopkins shall make salad dressing, Siwash confer cobbling degrees! Cornell, though, is rather ungallant, Is chivalry naught but a myth? If schools shall give courses in shoeing of horses, The stunt should be started by Smith ! — Ted Robinson in Cleveland Plaindcalcr. First Citizen — "Why is a Championship football team like the kind of a man that does all his trading at a department store? Second Graft Victim — "Spring it." First Citizen — "You've got to give them credit." — Dartmouth Jack O'Lantern. Phyllis — How did you like the close of the opening cliorus? Pliil— Great!— 0/iio State Sun Dial. H. L. RENNE PHOTOGRAPHER. 39 N. Neil St. CHampai^n» Illinois 183 pVERY TIME you see a Piece of Furniture or a Rug advertised in a magazine, that prompts you to write for prices and information, please remember that we have the agency for nearly all the standard lines made in this country. C. A. Kiler .Successor to Mittendor^ & Kiler Furniture, Rugs, Linoleums Before your dance try the Beardsleys 6 o'clock dinners in our private din- ing room. BE/\RDSLEY HOTEL Champaign, III. Engravings for Ml Purposes at Prices You Can Mford to Pay ALl WOKK DONE ID CH/IMPAICN H m NATIONAL ENGRAVING COMPANY CHRMPAIQN. ILLINOIS EMPIRE Steam Laundry 103 West University Ave. SHAW & PLOTNER BROS., Props. Telephones: Home 1392; Bell 748 WHEN YOU TRAVEL TAKE THE Illinois Traction System Mckinley lines ^T Clean, Comfortable, Frequent, Convenient, Safe AUTOMATIC BLOCK SIGNALS Protect all Train Movements When You Go Home Ride the ''ROAD OF GOOD SERVICE'' A TINY TALE "I'm nil in, said the burglar, as he wiggled through the window. "There's something in that," he cried as he spied the safe. "It's a hard blow," he remarked as he reached for his nitro- glycerine. "I feel bhie," he exclaimed as a policeman cauglit him in his arms. "I could stay here in a pinch" he said as they took him to his cell. "That let's me out," he said when he found a file in his mince pie. ■ — Lampoon. We Rent Visible Remingtons Visible Smith Premiers Visible Monarchs TFRlVm- \^ ^-^^ for one month ' ( $1 5.00 for six months Machines in first-class condition. Sent anywhere Remington Typewriter Company vincorporated] 404 East Monroe St., I. 0. 0. F. Bldg. Springfield, 111. J. H. NIEMANN, Jr. Local Representative 77 Neil St. Bell phone 448 184 Keep a-going f ^ AVe are all praise for the fellow who can win ! By the by, you fellows started a winner a few years ago. "\\'e first offered Fatima Cigarettes fur sale in the college towns. We put excellent tobacco in this smoke — we watched you! Quiik enough you dis- covered them, and that the tobacco was likable, and from this small beginning they have "kept going" all over this big country until today they are the biggest selling cigarette in the U. S. A. ! You've noticed tliat Fatlmas are not encased in a fancy gilt box — but the tobacco is fine! Twenty as choice cigarettes as any man could desire — that's why they "keep a-going." Many thanks to you! J^^aAUJc^afxo Got. 1 "Distinctively Individual ^ TURKISH BLEND '^ V CIGARETTES NT EXCHANGE NUMBER Ofvi tep you t.ike, and PorrfctK to i. Price «1.50 Sold oidy by Miinhall, Pri}iting House I 8 Ta) lor St., Champaign FLOWER S \ Biggest Variety Best Quality Lowest Prices To see them is to buy them Call oo\i. SHOES REPAIRED-'ONE DAY SERVICE Eye Strain Causes Insomnia HARRY R. LaSELL First door North of Boneyard, Wright St., Champaign More often than mo-it people imagine sleeplessness is caused by eye-strain or is directly traceable to it. To get relief the patient must submit to a test of his eyes by our optometrist, who will be particular to see that the proper lenses are secured. These glasses should be worn constantly if relief is not obtained by wearing them for near work only. If the eyes are then not unduly worked the eye-strain will at once disappear, and the insomnia along with it. WUESTEMAN Optician and Je-weler CHAMPAIGN 1S6 THE SMOOTHEST TOBACCO CEE the singer full of glee piping up! See ^ the pipe full of Velvet helping out! Velvet, the finest of leaf — ^aged over tw^o years — toned down — mellow^ed — ^fit for "Prexie" himself. Time alone can eliminate all harsh- ness — ^bring about real smoothness and develop the taste that's good. When exams. loom up and uncertainty is ripe — a tin of Velvet v^all help concentration and study — it's smooth ! At all dealers. 10 Full 2 ounce tins WAC 1^ SSZga<0 'mam.tf>S s One ounce bags, 5c, convenient for cigcU'ette smokers PASTORAL MEDITATIONS The naked hills lie wanton in the breeze, The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked, Bare are the quivering limbs of shameless trees. What wonder is it that the corn is shocked? —Pcliaiii. "What on earth," she asked us, "is the Rule of Three?" We're always polite to the tea-drinking sex. "A triumvirate,' we told her. — Dorms. "How is your Shakespearian Club getting on ?" "Splendidly. We learned two new steps last week." — Life. Professor : "Are you the same boy I flunked yesterday and the day before?" Stude : "No sir — never the same since, sir." — Princeton Tiger. HITTING THE NAIL HARD Fair Damsel (at the table in the barber shop) : "Manicure, sir?'' Groucliy Old Fat Man (with a snap) : "No, I bite them."— CoyiKf. The lightning bug is a beautiful bird. But hasn't any mind ; He dashes through this world of ours, His headlight on behind. — Cornell Widozv Sure Cures for Spring Fever Baseball Lawn Tennis Golf 5 Take daily—in afternoon; but if no improvement is evident take twice daily. Dr. Healthy. NOTE — Take all athletic prescriptions to Tke CO-OP. (Registered Fans) "You know the mania she has for getting her presents exchanged?" "Yes." "They fooled her this time." "Impossible !" "Sure. They all gave money; in pennies." — .Minnesoli^ Minneluila. HONK! HONK! '14: "Jim snores terribly." '15 (Anautoist) : "Yes, he sleeps with his cut out open." — Coyote. He: "Miss Smith, do you like animals? She: "Are you fishing for compliments?" — Minnesota Minnehala. NOT BY A LONG WAY Optimist : "Distance lends enchantment." Pessimist : "Not with a girl in a ta.xi." — Chii/^urraL HER WORRY lie: "Suppose I should kiss you?" She: "Suppose you shouldn't." — Cluif'arral. ^n-. "How do you like gold soup?" "Gold soup? What is it?" "18 carrots." — Sphinx. 188 JiA X.,M B. -A~ The H/g/i Cosf of L/v/ng does not worry the patrons of 2)y>he'6 Cafeteria On Sixth Street Jack's cooking is fhe besf and cleanest. Try it. A tramp a rug saw in a yard — Oh, do 1 need repeat it? How often has occurred the thing ! He took the rug and beat it. — Jester. nn ® nn "Yes, I'm sorry to say, I've been disillusioned aboiit the fair sex." "So, been in love?" "No, I've been living in a co-educational rooming house." — Miiiue sold Minnehaha. Interest Increasing every day at ARCADE Bowling Alleys First Annual Tournament opens April 1 3th to 25th inclusive. Will be a large entrance. Get Busy You all know the place. Arcade Bowling and Billiard Parlors Rocksie & Dewey, Proprietors An Attack of Spring Fever Means tnat you are languid, listless, nave lost your "pep ', and almost a never-wozzer. To properly revive and regain your old time vigor, you must stroll into our soda emporium and partake or our delicious Fountain beverages SPECIAL REVIVER Creme de Orange 5c HARRIS & MEAD 608 East Green Street }89 EAT TWIN CITY CREAMERY BUTTER ASK YOUR GROCER nn©nn AT THE PLAY "Isn't tliat last act an intellectual feast?" "Yes — but the supes were pretty thin!" — Lampoon. "How do you feel this morning?" asked Barnwell, meeting a well-known Kentucky colonel. "Rotten, sail. How would yo' expect a gentleman to feel in the morning,' sah?" was the reply. — Exchange. nn®nn Wis Spring Siuff is some stuff, what? Cut a cross section tliru it an' wtiat liave you? Weil, tliere's moonliglit and long wailis and girls and music (close harmony) and then more moonlight and another girl . . . only one thing more to make the harmony complete, Zom's Togs! /\ltogether on th' li'l melody entitulled ''You aint the same babe." Zom lombro, Green Street, Champaign Btll W5T i038 TELEPHONES Automatic I 1676 \ 1212 HEGENBART CO. . GROCERIES . WHOLESALE /IND RETHIL H. & D, FLOUR *91B. SACK FOR $1.25 We guarantee llih flour to give absolute satisfaction or we wtti refund your money. When in need of Groceries give us atrial. PROMPT DELIVERY. 101 and 103 Nortti Neil St. CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS Stoltey's Garage Successor to HERRICK & STOLTEY FOR SERVICE Call a Brown Limousine or Taxi Auto 1543 Bell 187 190 ,^7C^^ TT..*! p.-- .^. I .IfE JH Y. M. C. A. BARBER SHOP Solicits your patronage, and we assure you the best of service Y. M. C. A. Building E. P. GASTON. Prop. ^n-^ "1 have found it!" exclaimed the man as he peered into the window of the corset-shop. "What?"' asked his wife anxiously. "The divinity which shapes our — '' "Sh — " said the wife, and she dragged him on to the next window. —Jcsti-r. ^n-. GREEN STREET PHARMACY Cor. Green and Sixth Streets The University Drug Store B. E. SPALDING, Proprietor Something Different Mexican Chili Hot Tomali and Light Lunches AT The Alamo "The Home of Good Things to Eat" STUART BOHNHURST Bradley Arcade ^n-. IN BAWSTOX Sunday School Teacher: "And why are you smiling, Reginald?" Reggie: "It's all so amusing; when Eve pilfered the forbidden fruit, she couldn't attribute her monomania to heridity." — Pennsyl- vania Punch Bov.-l. ^n-. Tell the deal- "" Pay er you want ^^ Lewis' Single f„ Binder cigars r.'oi Annual Sales ^^ 12,000,000 a cood year proves good quality Rich. Mild Quality That _^ Never ?N^S,Tliimnft§Wfe^k Vari<>< 191 X...IHr JB. JS I .K.-E n /^oiy w Yale, i^ko^d AT HARVARD "I say, Spudkins, telephone the professor that it's raining, so he'd better come here in the morning." X92 THE WHAT-DO-YOU-CALL-IT I asked a knowing person The meaning of these tricks. My ignorance dismayed him. He said: "That's the 'IVIaxixie' " I asked my friend O'Hara — He hissed it through his teeth And tried to sound Brazilian By calling it "Maxixe." I stopped another, saying, "Tell me about this, please. Are they in pain?" He answered, "They're dancing the 'Maxixe' " And so there's any number Of ways to say this vice. I'm waiting now for someone To up and say "Maxixe." — Harvard Lampoon, J93 mmMmm'M Editor L. W. Ramsey Associate Editor A. R. ROHLFING D. T. Carlisle BuRRiLL Wright R. L. Barlow R. Hill BOARD OF EDITORS Art Editor Business Manager R. F. Field A. C. Strong Associate Art Editor L. D. TiLDEN Staff M. O. Nathan Harry Weber B. Barnard V. D. Cylkowski C. M. Ferguson Geo. Gill F. H. Babcock E. H. Morissey C. L. Molinelli Published monthly during the college year by the students of the University of Illinois. Entered as second class matter, January 2, 1912, at postoffice at Champaign, 111., under Act of Congress March 3, 1879. Subscription 75c per year in advance ; out of town subscriptions, $1.00; single copies, loc; special numbers, 2Sc. All business communications should be sent to A. C. Strong, Siren office. Communications should be sent to L. W. Ramsey, Siren office, over Harris & Mead's. HE Siren spends the best part of her blase existence in chuck- ling with admiration at our contemporary magazines. She has often thought that she would like for our subscribers to see the various articles as she sees them : so that they too could admire and applaud their work. At last the siren has hit upon a scheme — She has turned this issue into an open house issue for the display of the best drawings to be found in all the college magazines. There is Berdiu in the Yale Record, Gardner Hale in the Lampoon, the late Mr. Johnson and Mr. Bollman in the Widow, Rea in the Rea Magazine printed under the caption of the Sun Dial, Robinson in the Pelican, Smith in the Gargoyle, Sterling in the Jack-o'-Lantern, and numerous others which The Siren admires — but a limit of space prohibits their drawings. nn®nn THIS student life is just one d — thing after another all right. We no more than survive the peroxide gargles, the frantic letter from anxious mother, the stiffling air of the fumigated buildings and the subsequent increase in daily assignments, than we are thrown into a much worse dilemma — these demoralizing effects of spring weather. We escape the contagion of scarlet fever only to run squarely into the thralls of that irresistible delusion called spring fever. When the wind no longer carries the flurries of snow and the intermittent 194 showers of rain, that so continually find their way down our coat collar, and when the sun has dodged the clouds in the checkered sky long enough to drive the mud from the street anil sidewalks we once again take an interest in the joy of living. Vou fall for that line of talk handed out by the transient salesmen of ISalmacans and soon blossom out in a brand new raiment of light grays and tender browns. Letters from the girl back home seem empty and tiresome, so you convince your- self on the arginnent that a date with a co-ed for a spring evening's stroll will not envolve the boresome chatter of the sorority house parlor, and pretty soon you are on the telephone asking for Helen or Mabel or whom ever it might be. And you watch the ball team practice, and play a little golf, and sit out on the sunny side of the porch, and read from the magazine with the most attractive cover, — in fact you do everything but study. And when night comes you sing a few songs for the benefit of the neighborhixnl and plunk a couple of sentimental tunes on your mandolin or giiitar and wish, — oh how you wish, that you didn't have that eight o'clock in the morning. Well, spring comes but once a year. Goin' to do anything tonight- Come on and let's go serenading, — get some eats, you know, — and, — and you can cut that eight o'clock class. nn ® nn 1LLIXOIS is steadily coming to the front in artistic and dramatic things. "Higher Up", by Mr. Thatcher Guild was a decided success from every point of view. The play was admirably cast and we cannot help but wish that those dramatically inclined were given more opportunities for their talents. By the way — what has become of the Glee Club? nn ® nn Hie! Wha' th' 'ell d' I care who won? — Marshall RIddlch, '15, in California Pelican. 195 Brainless Stuff. — E. A. Herter, in Harvard Lampoon. I would I were an artist; 'Twould fill my soul with cheer, For when I got a thirst on I'd draw a glass of beer. — Pelican. □ n ® na "What attracts all these dogs into the chapel? "It is meet to sing praise unto the Lord." — Purple Cow. SHE CALLED MY BLUFF I knelt at the feet of my sweatheart to-day; I asked her if she'd be my wife. I asked her — she answered!.. I hastened away, Determined to take my own life. Despairing, I dashed to the edge of a cliff; Of troubles in life I'd enough. And now I should not be relating this, if The cliff hadn't been a big bluff! — Purple Cow. 196 Bootblack — Light or dark? Beer Fiend — Same ash you, old fel'. — G. S. Patterson, in Yale Record. nn©nn THE FRESHMAN SOB Gee. but a freshman's life is tough; There ain't a bit of fun. They make you do all kinds of things, Then kick at what you've done. We have to run around this place Just like a bunch of kids; And then there's one thing worst of all — Daggone those freshman lids! The thing looks like a postage stamp Upon my curly crown, And if the wind is blowing hard I have to hold it down. The town girls always titter, And the visitors all smile. When I go out upon the street — Doggone those freshman lids! I walked down town the other day, And one fresh little kid. He saw me and he hollered out: "Gee, Jimmie, pipe the lid!" I wish I could have caught that boy And given him a slap. Gee, make believe I wasn't sore. Doggone that freshman cap! Gee. wait until Prom time comes around. And all the queens are here; I'll have to wear that postage stamp, Stuck over my right ear. I don't mind being called a Frosh — We all can stand for that — But I can lick that guy that made, That doggone freshman cap! But next year, say. I'll be a soph, And walk right down the street, A-lookin' straight ahead of me. Instead of at my feet. I'll watch the freshies sneakin' by, The way I always did, I'll grin like blazes when I see A doggone freshman lid. — Jack-o'-Lantern. DD ® DD VENETIAN IDYLL "Sing to me, dearest one" he cried — "Sing me a barcarolle," "Sing of the gleaming starry night, Sing of the water's soul." "Sing to me, dearest one," he sighed, And plucked on his soft guitar, "Sing to me, sweet, of the wondrous lights That twinkle from afar." "Soothe me with chanted, lifting strains, As boatmen okt' of yore Sung of the rippling water's soul Along some enchanted shore." "Sing to me words that long ago Maybe some sea god wrote." The damsel complied, forthwith she sang "Sit down, you're racking the boat." — Harvard Lampoon. CD® nn There Is Often Speed in An Old Machine. — Fritz Bade in Gargoyle. 197 X.M Jfe. -^~^^"^"^'"^— ■ 3 1 R. E W, THE FRESHMAN When I am seated at my lunch, And story-telling is the hunch, Just as they reach a funny part, I'm sure to get a sudden start. For then a measly Sophomore Cries, "Freshman, some one's at the door!" And when I'm all tired out from gym. And stiff and sore in every limb. Just as I settle down to rest, I hear that ever-nagging pest The Sophomore, with threat'ning ire; "Hey, Frosh, some wood! Go build a fire!" And when I try to concentrate> To make the necessary eight. And have ten pages left to do. Before I go to bed at two. A voice below is sure to drone, "You measly Freshman, get that phone!" When I no longer am a Frosh, I'll treat the Freshman right, b'gosh. I'll never make them "get the phone," When they are trying hard to bone. I'll do my share of work until I graduate — like h I will. — N. L. M. '14. — The Pelican. DD ® an A TOAST TO THE VARSITY SHOW. Here's to the show — The Varsity Show — A great little Show — That's how we feel! Right! Some Show and yet One thing makes us fret Our only regret The girls! They ain't real! — Sainclair, '13, in Jester. nn©nn He held the maiden's hand and said, "May I the question pop?" She coyly bent her pretty head — "You'd better question pop." — Cornell Widow. nn®nn Gwen : "I see Gaynor's beginning to tighten up on the Turkey Trot in New York.'' Bert: "It can't be done!" — Jack-o'-Lantcrn. Remember Doc. A Pretty Nurse. A. Ueland, In Minnehaha. nn® nn "Wash ish it wash fles wasli liasli four legs?" "Give up" "Two canary birds." — Jester. 198 XWJB- -SlttBiH LjfflLl^ .a:^ He — Pardon, Madam, but what number is this? She — This, sir, is the Opera Number. — Kucera, in Gargoyle, 199 I'TTRENOLOGY IN OUR MIDST The bald man's hope and the barber's terror. A stirring siiccideiit address on calves brains' a la mode rendered before the august student body in session extraordinary any night last tvcek, by Prof. Tonsoria! Terror, the champion dry-shampooer of Ithaca, Nezv York. "Gentlemen and students: It gives me great pleasure to be uninvited to speak to myself in your hearing this evening. Before advancing to a demolition of my remarkable powers as a reader of open-faced craniums, permit me to say that I depreciate the honor of being allowed to speak aloud in these, beautiful maternity houses of this, your glorious school. ( Here the Pro- fessor pauses for applause. \'oice : Hey, Bill, give me a match ! ) "Phrenology has been the coming science of the new area since 1802 when Doctor Um-tddle- duni first discovered and patented the four prin- ciples of that marvelous scheme to the conster- nation of the physicians of Edinburg and envy- runs. This science is still coming. Mark Twain said that a fool and his money are soon parted and thereby made he his living. Gents, for the sum of fifty cents, I will tell you your character by feeling of your head. The information which I shall give is worth fifty dollars. I examined the president of your college twenty years ago and now look at him ! Step forward, gents ! Only fifty cents, a half a dollar, one fortieth part of a Buffalo gold certificate — truly a poultry sum for success in life! (A student advances to the chair. The Professor measures his head with a tape). "27-93-6 — Blood in the gentleman's face — the gent is bashful. (Student in thundering voice: Naw, I ain't!). And the lung capacity is lOO. Now, gentlemen this gent is brave, fearless, vali- ant, bold, courageous, valorous, dauntless, a fight- er and will defend himself when cornered. He would make a good preacher or doctor or bar- tender. He is intellectual, intelligent, brilliant, capable, studious, scientific, artistic, practical and virilent. He will graduate. I find here the bump of religion, scepticism, antagonism, faith, hope, charity, gullibility, shrewdness and foot- ball. He would make a good chromo-portrait painter, with practice. He should marry a square-headed girl who laces, chews gum and is liberal with the corialopsis. She will be brilliant, keen, prolific, jealous, generous, fearless, trusting- avaricious, proud, timid, good-natured, and lov- ing. (Applause). "If the gent will name three occupations, I will tell him which one he is best fitted for. (Student in awful whisper: Plumber — auction- eer — white-wing). Engineer, by all means. Of the three, I would insist on engineer. A loco- motive engineer ! What good will your college education and driving personality be put to unless you tackle big things and make them go?" (Professor rubs student's hair briskly for a minute, blows dandruff from his fingers and cries "NEXT!")— P;n-/./r Co'a: nn©nn THE POET'S PIFFLINGS, Some poets rave to their lady-loves And scribble on dainty fans, Or sling hot stuff on the witching curve Of a cheek that the south wind tans. And some go daft o'er an ankle neat Or the smile of a maiden coy. And the crimson bow of her ruby lips Where the living kisses toy. But I, to use in a nervy way The poet's majestic name, Would cut the mush and the goo-goo eyes As a prop for my lasting fame. I'd sing of the lur of the city lights To the study-beclouded mind, And the icy slopes of Consumption hill In the blast of the cooling wind. I'd rave of the things that the Senior dreams In his seat on a Sunday morn. Of ten per cent and that far-off key, With a smile on his "mug" forlorn. I'd hook my verse to familiar themes. And not to some by-gone dame Whom Byron "fussed" for a week or so~ Then passed to another flame. I'd get off lines that would rouse the town Like a fire in the hours small Of a frosty morn — about four miles out — Then I'd streak for the timbers tall. — Purple Cow. 200 THE EX. Robinson, in California Pelican. 201 The Feminish Movement. nn®nn — Archibald B. Johnson, in Cornell Widow. A dainty young dame of Montclair, Was skillfully draping her hair; When in came a kitten And lest it be bitten Her rat fled away down the stair. — J ack-o'- Lantern. nn® nn SOMEBODY'S BROTHER My brother was here in the year of naughty-two And he was a wonderful man, He did everything that the wonderful do And many the things that he ran. He made every crowd that was giving out bids. He managed the campus, in fact, Yep, he w„s a wonder of working kids. For he was a master of tact. And now I am here as a '17 lit, I face an impregnable wall For I don't go in for great glory a bit, I'm somebody's brother, that's all. — Gargoyle. Class in Anatomy. — From Men Only Number of the Jack-o'-Lantern, by '17. 202 X M Ei ■SIREN She — 1 hope the girls in that show will be properly clothed. I just loathe tights. He — On the stage? She — Of course, you stupid! Thompson, in Texas Coyote. nn® DD SENTIMENTAL SONNETS OF UNIVERSAL INTEREST Leatherlung Minnie and Winchester Bob A rancher was Miguel Pedro y Platte — A devil for looks, but a villain at that; Broad acres he owned. (Very true, only three, But each was as broad as an acre should be.) His cattle were aged, but still they were cows. And over his pastures would peacefully browse; They'd kick up their heels to a limited height, And tear up the grass with a scream of delight. (Now why they should do this I've asked far and wide, And this is the way my informants replied: "That ain't so unusual. Bet you my hat You can't find a creature that doesn' do that!") A regular puncher was Winchester Bob," Who scoured the plains in the search of a job. He'd rise in the saddle, put spurs to his steed. And tear down the trail at a terrible speed. , .... .,:^J Two hundred and forty he'd covered one day. And drew up at Mag's, as it lay In his way — "At forty a week, sir, your foreman I'll be." Said Pedro, "Accepted. Come in and have tea." Both Pedro and Bob, by a curious chance, While waltzing at some unconventional dance. Met Leatherlung Minnie, an Indian maid, Who captured them both by the grace she displayed. Dark Miguel wooed her with Mexican charm — He'd lie on his back at the edge of her farm, And watch her hoe cactus, sow tares, and prune plants. Or roll cigarettes for her uncles and aunts. Now Minnie loved Bob, as was proper and right. But Pedro saw things in a different light — "By the fringe on my pants, I will slaughter them both." And he uttered a horribly heathenish oath. They leaped on their horses and cantered like mad. With Pedro behind — that excitable lad — The cattle drew close, with melodious lows — Some thought, "Here he comes," and the rest, "There he goes." The lovers reached town, and were hastily wed, While "the boys" rallied round and filled Pedro with lead— A happy conclusion, no doubt you'll discern, And logical, too, for the "Pathe" concern. — Lampoon. nn®nn Tray — Did you hear about this hypnotist who catches fish by Just talking to them? Moutarde — He must have a strong line. — Princeton Tiger. 203 YOUTH. — Gardner Hale, in Harvard Lampoon. 204 X.M E CS I Ji E W She — "Why do you work so hard?" He — "I am too nervous to steal." — Baldridge. in Cornell Widow. nn®nn A HOSPITAL HOMILY W\ great men have their moments of abstrac- tion. In fact they are one of the salient charac- teristics of greatness. I have them myself, so I know. In one of them which occurred in the mi(l< Qje.1 Xg'-^s^Jl Chicago's Finest Hotel The central location, perfect service, excel' lent equipment, luxurious furnishings and home-like atmosphere maike Hotel LaSaJle the most popular hotel in Chicago. Whether you come to Chicago on pleas- ure or on business you will find Hotel La Salle the ideal place lo stay. It's easiest to reach— and closest to every place you want to go — Theatres, Public Buildings, Shopping Streets, Financial and Business Districts lie at its very door. Hotel La Salle gives more for the price you pay than any other hotel in Chicago. Everybody Likes Hotel La Salle One Person P\Oom with detached bath Room with private bath tb: Per Day $2 to J3 J3 to $5 Two Persons Koom with detached bath P>oom with private bath - Per Day $3 to $5 $5 to $8 Two Connecting Rooms with Bath Two Persons Four Persons - Per Day J5 to $8 $8to$15 La Salle at Madison Street, Ernest J. Stevens, Vice President and Manager CAUSE AND EFFECT "It must be great to be a man ! One dress suit lasts you for years and years, and a woman must have a new gown for every party." "That's why one dress suit lasts a man for years and years." — Judge H. L. rknne: PHOTOGRAPHER. 39 N. Neil St. Ckampai^n, Illinoia The Illinois Billard Hall 306 and 308 Hickory Court Cavanaugh Bros. Smokers Sundries *4 SmitKs Cafe and Hotel Table service at popular prices. All Sorts of Catering Full Line of Bakery Goods $5.00 TICKET FOR $4.50 On Wright Street Opposite Prexy's 209 $2 1. Waldem or Chains Link Buttons . Scarf Pins . . Coait Chains . Tie Clasps . . L&valiers Hat Pins . . . U. of I. Fobs . U. of I. Pins . U. of I. Rings . Sterling Picture FramesZ 00 to $3. 00 " 5, 75 " 2, 50 " 3 75 " 1 ,50 "10 ,00 " 1 ,50 " 3 .25 " 2 ,50 " 4 .25 " 5 ,75 .00 .50 .00 .50 .00 .75 .50 00 50 All new Spring Line of "Nifty Stuff". Don't forget us for Fine Watch Repairing and Diamond Mounting. CHl\S. MAURER Jeweler Next Door Elks Billiivrd Hall THE WHITE SHOP CLEANING and PRESSING Suits caUed for and delivered. Calls answered promptly Work done correctly Deliveries made on time Phone Bell 1237 118 S. Race St. URBANA A HOSPITAL HOMILY (Continued fro mPage 204) Thus comforted I fell asleep. Soon a nurse came in. She stuck a thermometer under my tongue. She grasped my arm. Thinking I was in for something soft, I grasped back. But she merely felt my ])ulse, abstracted the thermo.meter and made her exit center door. Again I tried to sleep. Again a nurse entered and repeated the performance of the previous one. I now determined to fool them and stay awake. Of course no one came in — that is until my weakened constitution could stand it no longer and I fell asleep. Then they came in, in droves, alternately. After that night, my firm belief was the woman's mission in life is to feel man's pulse and force him to smoke thermome- ters. The next morning there was a grand concourse of nurses and doctors about my bedside. I am naturally modest and didn't quite like the idea of all those women being there, but they stuck. The doctor punched me all over with a cold steel. Being poked in the orbit of the floating rib with a cold steel is not par- ticularly enthralling. But I bore it like a man. Then he cleared his throat and said savagely : "1 [is lungs seem to be all right." 1 le said this, as if they shouldn't be all right. Heaven knows I hated to disap- point him! But how could I help or- even atone for the good condition of my lungs. "Doctor, my leg" — I began. But he popped a thermometer under my tongue and continued probing. "His heart is regular. Another social error on my part. I swallowed the thermometer and inter- jected : "Doctor, my leg is — ." Here the nurse slipped an ice-pack, which she had tried on the previous night to get me to wear over my countenance, effectually quenching any naming desire I might have to speak. The ,man of medicine probed some more. — Tiger. There is more to GOOD furniture than appears on the surface. Let us ex- plain why it will pay you to buy the best. C. A. KILER Successor to Mittendorj & Kiler Champaign, 111, Before your dance try the Beardsleys 6 o'clock dinners in our private din- ing room. BE/[RDSLEY HOTEL Champaign, III. 210 WOMEN'S VOTES WILL BE CHALLENGED if they don't mark them properly, and printing not properly printed goes to the waste basket. Take the tip and be wise— order your printing of the shop that knows how, when and why. Get in the push with THE UNIVERSITY PRESS JOB PR.INTER.S End of tKe Street Car Line in Urbana BotK Phones Champaign Steam Laundry Monroe & Keusink Bros., Proprietors Home Phone 1115 Bell Phone 897 28 N. Neil Street, Opposite Walker Opera House THE PRODIGAL'S RETURN Kind Gentleman: "Well little girl, and did Santa fill your stocking?" Little Girl : "No, it wasn't Santa, it's eugenics." — Sun Dial. nn®nn "Punctured a tire by running over a milk bottle yesterday." "Hard luck! Didn't you see it?" "Nope; the kid had it under his coat." — Punch Boiul. nn® DD Pete: "The poker habit sure got Jones, didn't it?" Skeet : "Yep, he even walks with a shuffle." — Gargoyle. • ™k PRIIS TIIS G o- BOOKS, MAGAZINES, ETC. Is a large part of our business WE PRINT THESE PERIODICALS: THE FACULTY LIST THE STUDENTS' DIRECTORY THE TRUSTEES' MINUTES THE ALUMNI QUARTERLY THE FORTNIGHTLY NOTES THE SIREN THE SIGMA XI QUARTERLY NORTH CENTRAL ASSOCIATION REPORT THE UNIVERSITY STUDIES STUDIES IN THE SOCIAL SCIENCES THE UNIVERSITY REGISTER, and Many Others. WE ARE EQUIPPED FOR ALL TECHNICAL PUBLICATIONS IF YOU HAVE PRINTING TO BE DONE WE KNOW HOW TO DO IT The Flanigan-Pearson Co., Champaign, 111 211 Engravings for All Purposes at Prices You Can Afford lo Pay tU WOKK DOM m CHUMFMOM NATIONAL ENGRAVING COMPANY No. ?4 H. Walnut Sheet No. HON. Watmil Court CHfiMPRIGN. ILLINOIS EMPIRE Steam Laundry 103 West University Ave. SHAW 6 PLOTNER BROS., Props. Telephones: Home 1392; Bell 748 WHEN YOU TRAVEL TAKE THE Illinois Traction System Mckinley lines ^T Clean, Comfortable, Frequent, Convenient, Safe AUTOMATIC BLOCK SIGNALS Protect all Train Movements When You Go Home Ride the ''ROAD OF GOOD SERVICE'' "Beau Brumniel has nothing on me," said the proud exhibitor of a pencil stripe. "Moe Levy has," replied his green-eyed friend. — Columbia Jester, Salesman : "I think you will find this cook book very suggestive." Bride-elect : "Sir !'' — Princeton Tiger. We Rent Visible Remingtons Visible Smith Premiers Visible Monarchs TERMS: $ 3.00 for one month ' $ I 5.00 for six months Machines in first-class condition. Sent anywhere Remington Typewriter Company \ Incorporated] 404 East Monroe St., I. 0. O. F. Bldg. Springfield, 111. J. H. NIEMANN, Jr- Local Representative 77 Neil St. Bell phone 148 212 r^ "There, look it over!'' That's just what Vv'e said one day about Fatima Cigarettes. We first ofi"ered them in the col- lege towns a few years ago — purest and best tobacco, and our mental ejaculation to the stu- dent body was "look it over!" You did, and that was the start of Fatimas — today the big- gest selling cigarette i:i this country. Xo other cigarette has ever held the sway in college life, nor given the satisfaction that Fatimas have. Always in a plain package — no expense wasted en trimmings — quality all in the cigarettes — and twenty of them at that. ^Uaae!JtT , 249 A FABLE. Once upon a time there was a fairy who came upon a town where everyone was complaining about their troubles. Every man and every woman had something to complain about which they said was the worst trouble anyone could possibly have. So the good fairy conceived a plan. She told each person to write their trouble out on a piece of .paper and she would collect them in a box, after which she would shake them all up together and have each one draw out a trouble, and whatever trouble they should hap- pen to draw they must perform. Every one was satisfied with the plan, so the good fairy provided each one with a slip of paper upon which they wrote their deepest trouble. These were col- lected and the fairy put everyone in line to draw a new trouble out of the bo.x by chance. One by one the people came to the box and drew out a slip of paper. They opened them and read. Great consternation and lamentation arose from every throat. No one was satisfied with the trouble that they had drawn in the lot- tery. Everyone wanted their former trouble back again. The fairy only smiled, and taking the slips again from them she said : "You are too quick to complain. You may all have your own trouble back again, but next time remember and don't wish to trade your troubles with some- one else." And the people heard and were glad thereafter. nn©nn FRIENDSHIP. A true friend is The greatest thing on earth, A friend who loves you For your friendship's worth; Come storm, come fair, Or be you flush or bust; The hinges of true friendship You'll find will never rust. THE ORDINARY MEN. When you have coin They'll shake your hand In any kind of weather; But when you're broke You soon will find They'll shake you altogether. nn® nn .Anyway, Eve never worried whether Adam was with some otlier woman. out nn®nn The annual fainting fit of Dido at Aeneas' departur 250 AT THE SENIOR BALL Or the Real End. She pitied him. lie had been a senior in the eyes of everyone save the facuhy. He had been deceived himself as to the exact position he held in the line for graduation and had ordered the invitations. But the worst happened. He had flunked, and the professor seemed in no hurry to take his five for a special. \'erily he was up against it. One tiny ray of joy, however, cheered the sunless void of his existence — he was going to the Senior Ball. He was going to take her to the Ball. That was why she felt sorry for his scholastic misfor- tunes — it might spoil the evening for her, and for him, too, if he should brood over his trou- bles. She so wished that he would forget it or that the professor would pass him, or something, so that his mind would be free and empty at the dance as it had been so often before, and that the current of nonsense that flowed so freely through his brain might not be interrupted ex- cept by a little thought upon the eccentric steps of the latest dances. She had a new gown for this occasion, designed to ,meet the demands of the most extraordinary dance. If he did not en- ter into the spirit of dancing at the Ball she would not learn the possibilities, aye the limita- tions of that new gown. And he, ])oor fellow, why, he was trying to brace up the best he knew how to forget the death of his diploma, which now for some reason seemed so near and dear to him. lie resolved to go to the Ball and dance his fool head off, which would be at that time, he further resolved, as free and empty as she could desire any head to be. At the ball they were there in every sense of the word. All the home folks on the side lines were impressed strongly as to the merit of col- legiate dancing. She began to admire him more and more as the evening slipped into morning. 1 low nobly he arose to this occasion, forgot ev- erything to show her a good time. She never realized before that he possessed so many manly qualities. She began to feel her pity disappear and something steal into her heart and make it go pit-a-pat above the exertion of the dancing. His mind, strange to relate, was not as empty as she expressly wished. A thought came which seemed a gleam of hope and a remedy for his difticulties. It came as they were dancing that last beautiful dance of the ball, "Sweethearts." She wanted him to hold her closer, to say some- thing to her, which she divined by womanly in- stinct to be upon his lips. He felt that he must speak to her, that this was the proper time. She was ready to listen as she looked up into his face, fresh, beautiful, happy at the end of the big dance. "There is something I've been thinking of a long time, girl, and I want to ask you — " "Yes," she whispered, and listened intently. "Can I pass off my flunk in summer school ?" The music ceased. n ® n Farmer — "When is the ne.xt train going north?" Station .Agent — -"In an hour." "When is the next train going south?" "Fifty minutes." ".\11 right, Mirandy, we can get across the tracks. — The Jester. 251 "Has the new man a good delivery?" "About like that of a country preacher." nn® nn THERE'S A DIFFERENCE The young man was strolling leisurely up the street called Green. Half way up the route he was accosted by his veribest friend who wanted a small loan. "Sorry," answered the young man — "broke myself." He continued to stroll. "Flat" was the answer to an invitation to go on a good old-time party. "Strapped" was the answer to the assistant manager soliciting sub- scriptions to send the relay team to Paris for the summer. What a terrible thing is poverty ! But hold ! There is the clink of the Iron Louis in the young man's hand. He is spending and spending freely, for bostons and parfaits and all manner of dainties. More ! he is smiling as he spends and all the time proposing more extrav- angances for the evening. His companion, strange to say, is a woman. Rut you say he will be bankrupt ? So he will, but what of that? Plis co,mpanion was a woman ! And it was SPRING! nn® nn Billy — "They say that Cholly kept his head all right when he upset on the lake today." Willie — "Good — it must have helped him to float." nn®nn "Soine buoy," cried the drowning lady as she grab- bed at the fat man floating peacefully on the swells. GOLF. Most sports run from sun to sun, But the golfer's day is never done; Up in the morning, out with the larl<. He plays in the light, he plays in the dark. Plays in the rain, plays in the glow, He plays in the dry, he plays in the snow; Some may jeer and some may scoff — But it's hard to beat that game of golf. nn ® nn THE DIFFERENCE. Teacher — "What is the difference between 'while' and 'time.' " Student — "A married man says that he is going out for a while but his wife knows he is going out for a time. nn ® nn Fred — "Just think, there are over a million auto- mobiles in this country." Ned — "Yes, and the first time I drove a car I think I met everyone of them." nn®nn Co-Ed (emphatically) — "I'd just like to see the man that I would promise to 'love, honor and obey.' " Stude. — "I'm sure vou would." nn®nn Zift' — "What is a skyscraper?" BifF — "A continued story." nn® nn Frosh — "At some places the Freshmen take off their lids at Easter time, and here we are still wearing 'em. Gee, when can we take 'em off? "Be of good cheer," answers the senior, "your lot is an easy one. You may take off your lid when you meet a lady." 252 TOPSY ON FEMINISM. The other day as I rouiiflcd the Co-op corner in great haste I came unexpectedly upon Topsy delivering her sentiments thnsly in accents of the most supreme contempt and with an air of superiority befitting the leader of a brass band: "Huh! What was all dis yeah talk about de students takin" off deir hats to de professahs ! lx)oks like it ain't de fashion no moah fo' de flower ob society to tip deir hats to de Co-ednas. Go 'long! Ain't I seen four ob dese yeah studes, since I been a-standin' yeah, sing out howdy to deir Co-edna friends widout liftin' deir lids? An' dere goes dat sawed-oft' actah fellah what's so short he's afeard de girl won't see him ef he takes oft' dat lid o' his'n !" Topsy's tirade, especially her injudicious in- dulgence in personalities, so shocked me that I felt impelled to remonstrate with her, but alas! without success. If you see her, please try to point out to her how necessary it is to the world's progress that useless and silly fashions be discarded, and what great honor is due to the pioneers who courageously take the lead, — and all that sort of thing, you know. Of course, she's only Topsy, but, you see, she might lead others into a foolish way of thinking. nn©nn IN THE TEA ROOM Eddie — "I've heard of colored wigs but this rainbow wig Is a new one." Girlie — "Oh, they wear that after a rain." 253 A THRILLING LIFE DRAMA, "THE EN EXPECT GREAT Things PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU OUR CLASSES. ETC — /Rah I RAH ' pah' rcm^yiMf lati^ PLV/ JIX YLM.r, Mb JO on 5 CHAIN" OR "what's THE USE" HIOH SCHOOL '^'V /"^ a,th.le:tl5 conPtTE. u»h.'r»h: HUH scKooi) >^^b' INTERSCHOLASTIC 256 THE TRUE VERSION OF "COMIN' THO' THE RYE" There is a legend that Robert Burns' famous song. "Comin' Thro' the Rye," did not have its setting in a rye field at all. but was written refer- ring to a small brook in that part of Scotland called Rye River. And this explanation does not seem so highly improbable after all. In wading through this stream the lassies would hold up their skirts to keep them dry, and the story goes that Burns and his gang of pals used to hide along the banks until the lassies were in midstream. They would then wade out to the poor things when they could not let go of their skirts to protest and kiss them without re- sistance. If this story be true, it was very wrong of Robert and his pals to do this, but then who can blame them? There is not a man of artistic sense alive, be he married or single, who does not have that in- controlable temptation to bite a pair of pretty feminine lips when the chance is given — and yet none of them can tell the reason why. Man alone of all the animals is guilty of this misde- meanor and yet he has no logical reason for doing it. He may linger over a pair of pretty lips from morning until night and have the best time in the world, when he should be sawing wood, hoeing potatoes, fixing fences or doing any other useful thing around the house, and yet he will neglect them and spend his time removing paint. Kissing is of no small importance in this world of memories. Youth enjoys it and old age looks back over life's rocky path to where one jjartic- ular pressure of lips against lips stands out in memory like an oasis in a desert, and looms up before the eye like the solitary tooth of a baby. But man alone is not to blame for this foolish habit of kissing — my grandmother tells me the other side of the story. She says that the fem- inine race is not totally adverse to being kissed .so long as it is done in a quiet, orderly and ar- tistic manner — though she admits that nine out of ten of the girls will become very indignant if you are fool enough to ask the privilege. Therefore if you want a kiss, do not ask for it. play the game safe and just take it unawares. After the sacrifice is over, Kathryn, or Gertrude, or Josephine, or whatever her name might be. will rest her head upon your manly shoulder antl weep with unmoistened eyes as the heroine did when the hero kissed her long ago in the first love story you ever read — though why the\- should howl and sob about it I can not see. But if she complains, don't let that worry you, for stolen kisses are the easiest thing I know of to replace where you found them. And a second kiss will heal the wound caused by the first. This is a true and authentic account of the whole business as described by Robert Burns in his immortal poem. "Comin' Thro' the Rye." nn©nn SOME JOKE! FOR THE FRENCH STUDENTS Frosh — "\\'hat did fliat wom.'in mean when she asked fcr 'bon-vivant' in the meat market?" Senior — "She was using her French and wanted some good liver." nn®nn Jank — "Why do you say that a gossipy woman is always reliable?" Hank — "Well, everything she says goes." nn®nn TRUE ENOUGH. First Stude — "In a few more years tliese suffragettes will be sweeping the entire country." Second Stude — "You are mistaken. Half of them don't know how to handle a broom," nn©nn What is a parody? A parody is the different ways of writing "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Cross indicates popularly selected school of music. site for new 257 X.-M B. >s I R-jE n i;M^;^g?r%L-^.=s^-^^'"- ^ ^^^^^zr- THE SOLDIER'S LIFE. "Don't touch the booze. In Vera Cruz!" Were the last words My sweetheart said to me. With tear-stained eye, I said good-bye; As the train pulled out From dear old Urbanie. For seven days, We sailed the waves Until at last we Crossed the bonnie sea. At Tampico, At Mexico; I landed first to Fight for my country. I heeded not And got half shot, So now I'm on my Country's pension list. If you don't go You'll never know. What you fellows who Stayed at home have missea. PRESENT DAY TROUBLES. Herbert — "Say, I'll bet your sister would be mad if she caught you smoking that cigarette?" Albert — "I know she would, it's one of her's." DD ® DD She — "Where does you fist go when }-ou open your hand." He — "The same place your lap goes when you stand up." DD ® DD "Hasn't a toothache an awful nerve?" chirped the bill collector as he came in the door. "Just like you," responded the irate boarder, "ex- cept it is pulled out and you get kicked out." nn ® nn AT THE CHEAP RESTAURANT. Bing — "This must be joke celery, it is trying to string me." Ding — "Majbe that is a laughing stalk." OHSUCHA JOKE. He — -"It looks like rain." She — "What looks like rain?" He — "Water." nn ® nn Bart — "I'm going to mask up and be a clown in the circus." Girl — "Never mind the mask.'' nn®nn Mary had a little lamb, Missouri was it's source; And everything that Mary said — The lamb would doubt, of course. nn® nn Many a man has put his family in tlie swim by tak- ing a plunge in Wall Street. nn ® nn The letter "a" certainly was not left out of the Panama Canal. nn ® nn ETC. Uncorking the Genie. 258 X. Jtt ]£. IRE, "Is it hard to make the crew?" "Naw, all you have to have is a good pull with the stroke oar." DD © DD OPEN HOUSE (lame, she of the hearty greeting, takes you in tow. You told her "Rlinkins," didn't you, but at the finish of that struggle through the gauntlet of sweet young things, your poor cognomc, twisted and dreadfully scarred, emerges as "llumpkin." Crestfallen, but determined to shine as a social success, you attempt to engage in airy persiflage with one of aforesaid oasis. Xo chance; the lady's ruffled Websterian regis- ters, "Will the food hold out?" "What the deuce is his name?" Finally she despairs of passing you on, and taking time by the forelock and you by the elbow she gyrates toward the lunch. You have been led to think that there woidd be victuals. Discovered — an ice and a macaroon — your idea of zero in rations. Now you are free (likewise eager) to depart. After much fumbling for your three seed investment, now past recognition as a lid, you cut business of farewell to a min, and bolt. Down the block you gingerly remove the new katy with your star- boartl fin. Poor wreck — beyond redemption and even worse — re-blocking is the one reminder you have of tiic afternoon. Open house again? No, never ! nn®nn Junior — "The .Athletic Association is going to be happy this week-end." Sopli — "How's that?" Junior— "They're going to liave a circus with the University." Have you, too, gentle reader, been tricked by an impressive, gilt-edged correspondence card bearing a scrawly "open-house" in the corner? It left you in a pleasant anticipatory mood. And have you then wished on yourself the disillusion- ing stern reality? A babel of discordant chatter greets you as you try to summon up your courage and assume a nonchalant air, while struggling liy a drove of disheartened swains coming down the steps. Your timid ring is answered by a gushing sister who swings wide the portal wrings your carefully manicured mitt with an office-seeker's hearty gras]). introduces herself, catches your name — and hat — on the fly. and ushers you in, all with line fell swoop. "S'our new skypiece stands no show in that pile, but you scorn to re- treat. .Apprehensively you gaze about you. Here and there on oasis of the militant sex is surrounded by a surging mass of the masculine persuasion — odds about i to 20. The efficient nn©nn Senior — "Confound it, it's time to be thinking of what I'm to do when college closes. Let's see, I'd better throw away all my clothes and get some REAL ones, shave off this tickler, break that engagement with 'Vangie and the one in Urtaana. too, raffle off all my junk room decorations, and run over the list of young ladies of marriageable pocket-books," 259 IN THE END. Said the Sophomore to the Freshman, As upon the chair he sits, "Every time you catch me smoking I will give to you two bits." "Very good," quoth the Freshman, The same applies to me, "If^ I am caught with tobacco, Two bits to you shall be. But what to do with the money Neither of them could decide. The Soph suggested a motorcycle. Upon which they both could ride. But the Freshman interrupted "We could never pay the bills -And my suggestion is that we Buy a dozen bo.xes of pills." Holding his own against the world. nn® nn H.S.V1S1T®1!1 The hero of today WARNING TO "PREPS" is the flunky next fall. 260 When the springtime sun is shining 'Xcath the old magnolia tree And the apple-hush is pining For the honey and the bee ; Then I'll come mid heat and fire To you only, darling Grace, And I swear I ain't a liar When the sweat streams down my face. Chorus — When the sweat is on my hat hand, Gracic darling. And the collar wilts and crumbles on my neck, I'll be with you Graeie dear, Never worry, never fear, I'll be with you, yes I will, dear Grace, by heckl — The Michigan Garyoylc. ^D-. Cohen — Hands up, or I'll shuut. Quick- witter Burglar— Fifty dollars fer de gun I Colien— Soldj— T/it' MichUjaii Gargoyle Miss Ray L Bowman J E>V E LE R. In New Quarters While our former store room is being re- modeled we have moved across the street, one half block south, to The Grand Leader where all our old and new customers will be welcomed as cheerfully as in the past. A little crowded, but comfortable, never-the- less. Out special prices will continue the balance of this month. RAY L BOWMAN COLLEGE men make Bradley Sweaters— men who know how a college man's sweater ought to be made. This is why college men everywhere find that no other sweater is so perfectly suited to their needs — so warm, so comfortable, so well-fitting and so becoming. Bradley Knit Wear We carry a particularly sporty Bradley Sty!e— the Navajo Shaker. Same as the former Bradley Shaker except that it has a Navajo border on the collar and around the bottom. If you want a sweater a little different— ask your dealer to show you a Bradley Navajo Shaker. Made in many color combinations. If your dealer cannot supply you, we will send the names of dealers who will. Bradley Knitting Company Delavan, Wise. 261 WATCH THIS PAGE FOR THE COMING DANCES ORANGE (j BLUE GRIDIRON CRYSTAL VARSITY May 30, College Hall May 30, Bradley May 15, Crystal Lake May 23, College Hall COLLEGE Interscholastic, Bradley May 15, Crystal Lake June 11, Crystal Lake MAKE YOUR DATES EARLY ONYX June 6, Crystal Lake LET o'byrne: do it. do what? Get that trunk to the train for you Public Stenographer ELLINER WEBSTER 24 N. Neil St.-Up Stairs Bell Phone 81 Champaign, III. Next to Zom's line of outing trousers what'd I rather wear? Say, whadda you s'pose I'd wear — why silluk shirts, boobs what you is! (K. Kat and I. Mouse stuff) If you see someone at the Chi. Meet and the Chi. Game and the Interscho. an' the N.W. Game and this and that — with considable flowmg silluk shirts — much class stuff y'know, why that'll be me (to say nothing of the other thousand silluk shirted Illini). Roger Zombro, Green street Champaign The Illinois Billard Hall 306 and 308 Hickory Court Cavanaugh Bros. Smokers Sundries Arrow SHIRT SUITS A combination of a perfectly -^*- comfortable pair of drawers and a perfectly comfortable over shirt. $2.00 and up. CLUETT. PEABODY & CO., Inc. Makers of Arrow Collars and 5hikt9 263 Interscholastic v isitors Should stroll down Green Street, one-half block west of the Library and visit the swellest confectionery store in Illinois. See the cozy booths, where 200 people can be seated comfortably at once, and served with our delicious sodas, sundaes, sherbets, etc. Take home a box of our famous "La Vogue' Chocolates 60c the pound HARRIS and MEAD 608 East Green Street For Seniors Only — Next to copping off a roll of vellum, reading "This is to certify, etc., etc." and signed by the faculty, the nice^ part of graduating is in the receiving of the gladsome gifts from gladsome givers. Now Joe Bowman runs a jewelry shop over m Champaign that is a wonder. The most appropriate thing in the world if it were possible, would be to add at the bottom of every invi- tation, "Gifts buyable at Joe C. Bowman's." But that would be going too far. JOSEPH C. BOWMAN Jeweler - Watchmaker - Silversmith On Neil Street Two Doors North of City Building Champaign 263 X M E: 5 I K. E W Choose the Girl Come to Maurer's Jewelry Store and we will do the rest. Largest line of Diamonds in the City. Special values at $25.00 to $50.00 and up to $500.00. Fine Watch and Jewelry Repairing. Be sure and see us. MAURER, The Jeweler Next Door to Elk Billiard Hall Before your dance try the Beardsley's 6 o'clock dinners in our private din- ing room. BEARDSLEY HOTEL Champaign, III. - FLOWER S ^ Biggest Variety Best Quality Lowest Prices To see them is to buy them Call at GUS JOHNSON'S or phone in your order Springfield avenue and Third Street ON THE CAR LINE Bell 1179 Auto 1471 There was a young lady named Wright. Whose dress was exceedingly tight, Every once in a while, She would say with a smile, "Isn't it close here tonight?" — The Columbia Jester. H. L Renne, Photographer 59 N. Neil St. Champaign, III. In this last issue of the Siren for this school year, we thank you for the patronage ex- tended during the year and in- vite you to come again next fall. C. A. KILER Furniture Carpets Rugs Linoleuns THE WHITE SHOP CLEANING and PRESSING Suits caUed for and delivered. Calls answered promptly Work done correctly Deliveries made on time Phone Bell 1237 118 S. Race St. URBANA 264 X M E ,S I n. E K. Chicago's Finest Hotel The central location, perfect service, excel' lent equipment, luxurious furnishings and home'like atmosphere make Hotel LaSalle the most popular hotel in Chicago. Whether you come to Chicago on pleaS' ure or on business you will find Hotel La Salle the ideal place to stay. It's easiest to reach — and closest to every place you want to go — Theatres, Public Buildings, Shopping Streets, Financial and Business Districts lie at its very door. Hotel La Salle gives more for the price you pay than any other hotel in Chicago. Everybody Likes Hotel La Salle KATES: One Person Per Day P^oom with detached bath - - $2 to $3 P\oom wirh private bath ' - $3 to $5 Two Persons Per Day Koom with detached bath ' ' $3 to $5 Koom with private bath ' ' $5 to $8 Two Connecting Rooms with Bath Per Day Two Persons ' ' ' ' $5 to $8 Four Persons ' - - - $8to$15 La Salle at Madison Street, Ernest J. Stevens, Vice President and Manager See E. M. Moll FOR Henderson and Excelsior Motorcycles AND Repairs on all Kinds of Machines 613 South Wright Street 265 X M ]B. s I a E n 10 Full 2 Ounce Tins THE SMOOTHEST Like the Lawford stroke, the more you try it the more fascinating is Velvet, the tobacco. The best leaf aged over 2 years — time is the only process. Tobacco matured in this fashion is rare — it's too smooth to irritate or "bite.** It s a pleasure to carry such a smoke as Velvet in your pocket it's extremely companionable ! need it! At your dealers. aJ^^ffe^'^yft^e/tsUff^accoGr. One ounce bags 5c, convenient for cigarette smokers. IF CHICAGO EVER HAD A GOAT They Better Not Bring it to Illinois Saturday and i( you loyal fans ever hope to win satisfaction in the purchasing of your printing you will find an easv team at the THE UNIVERSITY PRESS JOB PRINTERS End of tKe Street Car Line in Urbana BotK Phones Champaign Steam Laundry Monroe & Keusink Bros., Proprietors Home Phone 1115 Bell Phone 897 Corner Market and South First The Chester Transfer Co. LIGHT LIVERY Baggage Checked to Destination -- PRINTING OF BOOKS. MAGAZINES. ETC. Is a large part of our business WE PRINT THESE PERIODICALS: THE FACULTY LIST THE STUDENTS' DIRECTORY THE TRUSTEES' MINUTES THE ALUMNI QUARTERLY THE FORTNIGHTLY NOTES THE SIREN THE SIGMA XI QUARTERLY NORTH CENTRAL ASSOCIATION REPORT THE UNIVERSITY STUDIES STUDIES IN THE SOCIAL SCIENCES THE UNIVERSITY REGISTER, and Many Others. WE ARE EQUIPPED FOR ALL TECHNICAL PUBLICATIONS IP YOU HAVE PRINTING TO BE DONE WE KNOW HOW TO DO IT The Flanigan-Pearson Co., Champaig'n, III 267 EMPIRE Steam Laundry 103 West University Ave. SHAW 6 PLOTNER BROS., Props. Telephones: Home 1392; Bell 748 WHEN YOU TRAVEL TAKE THE Illinois Traction System McKlNLEY LINES ^T Clean, Comfortable, Frequent, Convenient, Safe AUTOMATIC BLOCK SIGNALS Protect all Train Movements When You Go Home Ride the ''ROAD OF GOOD SERVICE'' Your Last Chance to Get a $5.00 "T'" $2.50 SALE ENDS MAY 16 The Caldwell Company Champaign Auto 1250 Bell 999 We Rent Visible Remingtons Visible Smith Premiers Visible Monarchs TFRMS- \^ ^00 for one month ' ( $1 5.00 for six months Machines in first-class condition. Sent anywhere Remington Typewriter Company vincorporated] 404 East Monroe St., I. 0. O. F. Bldg. Springfield, 111. J. H. NIEMANN, Jr- Local Representative 77 Neil St. Bell phone 148 2CS Talk about knocking the little white pill all over the 10 acre lot * "Distinctively Individ uaF IcigaI^bttes ff^amfO' ^ Ovntraa Ci." lUCHMOSD.YA. utuTTdnriMfWcn CO, *tefae$ —it's nothing compared with the big drive you college fellows made when we first brought out Fatima cigarettes. IMade of the purest and best of tobacco obtainable. \Ve offered them tirst in the college towns, and waited — only a min- ute, for you quickly appreciated the excellence — you told the fellows at home, and soon Fatimas were known all over — and today are the biggest selling cigarette in America I We purposely put them in a ])lain package, so we could ])uri)Osely ])ut a/l the (juality in the tobacco, and that's how it all came about. ^nn^it^^yKuHAi/Q^OCCcGK FATIMl ^ TURKISH BLEND "^ CIGARETTES 20 ro (/^ en # V Manufacturers of College and High School PENNANTS AND BANNERS College Pennants of all kinds on hand for immediate delivery. ^: 1^ lUmners of INTERSCHOLASTIC EVENTS presented to the imnners by 1'^ -<*^*i ^ ChampaiDnJIIs. NEIL STREET ' V ^^3^ '^^^ GOODHUr /NVMDEII ■ THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS Is a girl worth while. For her sake alone you should be dressed well in an Anderson Tailored Suit. Use it to win her and Success. $16.50 to $45.00 FRED G. MARSHALL Arcade Furnisher We give your film the care that Wll 3ring out all there i s in it STRAUCH KODAK FINISHING SHOP Tell fhe deal- ^ Pay er you want j^^ Lewis' Single f„ Binder cigars Annual Sales ^^ U,000,000 a ^""^ year proves good qualiiy Mild Quality That Never Varies FROSH:— How would you advise me to act during Inter scholastic Week? CLASS ADVISOR:--You should at all times be loyal to ILLINOIS and your own class; also strive by every means m your power to advertise the University. FROSH:--How may 1 best do this? CLASS ADVISOR:-By being present at all functions and at every event of the week. Do not fail to pro- vide yourself with pennants and arm hands, also a disposition to express your Loyalty by z^oice and action. Be sure to send out to all your friends far and near, plenty of POST CARDS (showing the events of the week) and VIEW BOOKS of the Uni- versity. In this way you will help to advertise the BEST UNIVERSITY IN THE COUNTRY. It is needless for me to advise you to get these supplies at Lloydes UNIVERSITY STORE Champaign, III. The Latest Idea in INTERIOR DECORATING Have your room or home deco- rated at the nunimum cost. Estimates freely given, readily ac- cepted, and work done immedi- ately by WILLIAMS BROS. Auto 1118 16 N. Walnut St. Bell 278 (jrrand Oprmg Opening EVERY DAY EXCEPT SUNDAY AT LESEURE BROS. Cigars, Cigarettes and Smoking Tobacco Largest Biliiara R.oom in the T'win Cities Come in and ]oin tne Le(i)aeure Claas "Why don't you fire your cook?" Can't." "Why not?" "She's a fireless cooker !" — S/'/iiim-. Customer (angrily") — Waiter, this coflfee is nothing but mud! Waiter — Yes, sir; certainly, sir ;it was ground this niorning.- The California Pelican. Public Stenographer ELLINER WEBSTER 24 N. Neil St.-Up Stairs Bell Phone 81 Champaign, 111. L YRIC THEATR p HOME OF PERFECT PICTURES -Li ICathlyn Pictures Every Two Weeks INSTALLMENT NO. 7, MAY i Selig-Hearst NEWS PICTORIAL Illustrated news picture produced in co-op- eration with the great Hearst newspapers. EVERY MONDAY MULTIPLE REEL PICTURES Five times a week NEW PICTURES EVERY DAY Big Features Coming KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE LYRIC ADMISSION ALWAYS 10c 213 __ T M. Ej ■■ ■* I R. E W JUT vigg=^r ..^M 1st Nat Bank Bldg. Champaign, III For your Electrical needs see The Ideal Electric Co. 20 N. Walnut Street Bell 1998 Auto 1013 "Mrs. Flanagan, what are hiccoughs?" "Hiccoughs, Mrs. O'TooIe, are messages from departed spirits." — Harvard Lampoon. Cat — You wouldn't have a show in a fight with me. I have nine hves. Frog — You're not in it. I've croaked hundreds of times. — Prince- ton Tiger. OLD COLLEGE HALL A- « LINDLEY Dining Shop CORNER 4TH and GREEN Table Board by Week Private Dining Room for Ladies C ATERING HERFS A BUSINESS SECRET What becomes of tfie dirt we extract from your clothes? Maybe we sell it to fill up an old well! ANY WAY YOU DON'T GET IT BACK JUST THE CLOTHES Cleain - Fresh — Elegant — Nifty How about those old Suits — Dresses? We'll clean 'em up and surprise you. L. B. SOUDER 214 FLOWER S \ Biggest Variety Best Quality Lowest Prices To see them is to buy them Call M GUS JOHNSON'S or phone in your order Springfield avenue and Third Street ON THE CAR LINE Bell 1179 Auto 1471 SHOES REPAIRED-ONE DAY SERVICE HARRY R. LaSELL First door Norfh of Boneyard, Wright Si., Champaign GREEN STREET PHARMACY Cor. Green and Sixth Streets The University Drug Store Agency for McGregor Golf Clubs and Spalding Golf Balls B. E. SPALDING, Proprietor Eye Strain Causes Insomnia More often than most people imagine, sleeplessness is caused by eye-strain or is directly traceable to it. To get relief the patient must submit to a test of his eyes by our optometrist, who will be particular to see that the proper lenses are secured. These glasses should be worn constantly if relief is not obtained by wearing them for near work only. If the eyes are then not undu'y worked the eye-strain will at once disappear, and the insomnia along with it. WUESTEMAN Optician ana Je^veler CHAMPAIGN KANDY'S Barbers the Best bnop the Largest Auto 2265 614 E. Green Street University Place 215 Menial — Mrs. Brown is sorry, bnt she isn't at lionie. Caller — Tell her I'm glad, but I didn't eall. — The Harvard Lam- poon. Boy — 1 want a chicken. Butcher — Want a pullet? Boy — No. you nut, I want to carry it. — Pcnn State Froth. R. G. — "I'm so sore tluat I can't stand or sit." L. E. — "If you're telling tlic truth, y(,u're lying."— 7 /if Purple Cow. ^D-. "You've got to hand it to them," remarked the ball player as he watched the Lit. baseball team trying to field a grounder.— 77;,- Yale Record. "Any one would think that I was drunk," murnuired the movie operator as he reeled away. — Lampoon. O N THE S Q U A R E Whose ad is this? HOT STUFF "Did you succeed in keeping cool during the summer?" "No, we were camping near a mountain range." — Stanford Chaparral. "I say, (lid you read that quib in the Princeton Tiger, 'He who lawfs lawst is an Englishman'? Wot could they mean by that?" — Jester. Don't blame a man because he is irritable — even a piece of steel can lose its temper. — .fack-o'-Lantern. "Gee, but I had a funny dream last night." "I know. I saw you with her." — Cornell ll'idow. "Where do they hold the world's Fair?" "Around the waist." — Jester. 216 X M E. « I a E M Co eds are invited to eat with us— you select your food — we carry your tray. H)y>he's Cafeteria 606 S. 6th St. VICTROLA MUSIC Y. M. C. A. BARBER SHOP Solicits your patronage, and we assure you the best of service Y. M. C. A. Building E. P. GASTON. Prop. Something Different Mexican Chili Hot Tomali and Light Lunches AT The Alamo "The Home of Good Things to Eat" STUART BOHNHURST Bradley Arcade A college man is fonder of his sweater than of any other garment. This is why vou should wear a "Bradley". It's worthy of your regard. It's a friend that will stand by you all during your college course. It's made of the "stuff" that will never go back on you — that will stand all you can give it and never lose its shape or newness. Bradley Knit Wear The Bradley Jumbo -a big heavy-weight, made of big, warm yarn. It is a fine looking garment— looks its warmth and comfort. College men everywhere pronounce it a corking style. If >our dealer cannot supply you, we will send the names of dealers who will. Bradley Knitting Company Delavan, Wise. 217 EAT TWIN CITY CREAMERY BUTTER ASK YOUR GROCER Bell ( 1057 I J035 Automafic I 1676 \ nn HEGENBART CO. GROCERIES WHQUSMl AND RIJML H. 6 D. nOUR 1*9 IB. SACK FOR J1.25 We guaranlee Ih/s Hour to gWc absolute salisiaction or we will refund your money. When in need of Groceries give OS atrial. PROMPT DELIVERY. 101 and 105 North Neil Si. CHAMPRION. ILLINOIS Stoltey's Garage Successor to HERRICK & STOLTEY FOR SERVICE Call a Brown Limousine or Taxi Auto 1543 Bell 187 "What magazine do the angels read?" "Why, the Harpers Weekly. I guess." — 77/1- Coluiidnn Jester. Fair Lady (addressing stranger, a clerk, on the street) — Would you be so kind to do up my shoestring? Clerk — I'm sorry, lady, hut I have no wrapping paper with me. — Cornell li'idozi.'. Consider tlie cluster lights; what a jolly time they have. Out all day, and lit up all night. — The Ohio State Sun Dial. Interest Increasing every day at ARCADE Bowling Alleys First Annual Tournament opens April 1 3th to 25th inclusive. Will be a large entrance. Get Busy You all know the place. Arcade Bowling and Billiard Parlors Rocksie & Dewey, Proprietors 218 THE SPRING MAID* I like to kiss a pretty miss, Whose nose is retrousse, That kind of nose with tilted pose. Is never in the way. ♦Welcome ears. 219 Ml MM 1 I Ml [ limi Editor L. W. Ramsey Associate Editor A. R. ROHLFING D. T. Carlisle BuERiLL Wright R. L. Barlow R. Hill BOARD OF EDITORS Art Editor Business Manager R. F. Field A. C. Strong Associate Art Editor L. D. TiLDEN Staff M. O. Nathan Harry Weber B. Barnard V. D. Cylkowski C. M. Ferguson Geo. Gill F. H. Babcock E. H. Morissey C. L. Molinelli Published monthly during the college year by the students of tlie University of Illinois. Entered as second class matter, January 2, igi2, at postoffice at Champaign, 111., under Act of Congress March 3, 1879. Subscription "Sc per year in advance; out of town subscriptions, $1.00; single copies, loc ; special numbers, 25e. All business communications should be sent to A. C. Strong, Siren office. Communications should be sent to L. W. Ramsey, Siren office, over Harris & Mead's. OME would think, if the scout contribution.s were taken seriously, that the Siren was writhing with smut and \ulgarity — but to be frank the Sircii is not that kind of a girl. The Siren wishes to present to those of the student body whose minds are not primitive, a magazine of cleverness and humor, sparkly with the joys of life. We are forced to wonder, if the fault fmders have ever read our esteemed contemjjoraries Mille, Life, or Mr. Puck or his honor the Judge, and if they were not just shocked and scanilalized at what was seen. Why didn't they sit right down and write to Woodrow Wil- son and tell him how awful it was to have such a magazine published in the land of the free? Once in a while something might get past our eagle eyes, but that is usually because we are too innocent to see the double meaning which some see. Editing a magazine is one thing and reading between the lines is another. nn © nn HE sea.son is at hand when the trees put on their new leaves and the students put on their new pledge-ribbons. From now on coat lapels will flash forth all colors in the spectrum and we will be kept busy with con- gratulations and speculations as to just what organization flies certain combinations. brother student of the lower classes, is your opportunity for showing 220 T Nov X M E 5 I RE n ^£Li. your good sense. Do not fall into the coiiuiion college idolatry of "mystic circles" and a "pin". To be sure there are some clubs that will apiiroach you whose otTcr is an honor — but there are others which hold no more for you than a splendid chance to make a blank fool of yourself. Think the matter over. Weigh the question on the scales of what-you-give and what-you-get. Don't take the hid simply because you have the chance — turn it down unless you think you'll get your money's worth. DD © nn 1LLIXOIS has one Big Team of which it is alzcays very proud. That team is Mr. Harding's Band — the University Band. Not long ago the Band played in Chicago for the Alumni Association and later at Peoria and here in Cham- paign — all big concerts that drew crowded houses and sent away enthusiastic- ally admiring audiences. Once more we wish to express our appreciation to the leader and his men. to teil them how proud we are of them, and to remark that as those dear old days of iced tea, cones and baseball games are here again, we'll all don our white trousers and "burglar shoes" to stroll up to the greatest of all mini programs — the Twilight Concerts. nn ® nn Spring Snap Shots. 221 X..M E- •■ 3 1 REM -^~==^^'^^^-^- — AT CHICAGO Track Manager — "Well, assistant, we've a conference meet tomorrow. Tele- phone all the papers In the city and tell them we'll take scareheads and a three- column cut, regardless of who wins." "Surely, Mr. Otto Knowbetter, you aren't ashamed to send ME hom.e." nn®nn NOTES— TAKING NOTES— On Household Science 6 or women's votes. On Bodie's dry Philosophy, On Davenport's Agronomy, Or what this new Psychology promotes. So we sit — day after day, Scribbling precious hours away. From September until May, Taking Notes. Till your hand is cramped and weak. Nerves on edge — you'd like to shriek. But you sit there dumb and weak, Writing notes. NOTES— TYPEWRITING NOTES— While now and then your "Smith Premier" a muffled curse provokes. When you start it's ten till eight, When you'll end no one can state. But it's sure to be D late. Punching notes. So you'll sit the whole night through, Till the desk and room turn blue, And each letter looks like two. Typing notes. Punching — punching — key by key. One lone finger's all for me, Now an "X" and — now a "B" Writing notes. 222 IL'SPRINGEROSO. (Apologies to Milton) Hence loathed Winter drear, Were you but clean and cold, we would not care. This mud we can not bear. Give place to Her who ever is more dear, To all our hearts. Go hence. To some wild region where no human dwells, There hold thy wild revels. There may you reign supreme, we care not how. If you but leave us now. Come gentle Spring, beloved of man. Ah, come as quicl3TUDY Clubbers "D^eAn Ouitng TmeTJeal Feature i,^ Of The Day— ■ *■ The FindinqOf A Four Leaf Clover There WereA^oRE [Squirrels At Home In W. PARRii An Appet Thf Rfaiitifdl Trip Mqaae iHEWooD-TiCK As He R mI^mV ^St appears when Me By MOONLI6HT ^ ^«rT;3*«^HAS SEVERED His Suc- J-ORIAl. CON- NECTIOHS With The Natorer Of Course, The RE were Some. Who CouUDNT Walk A Loe - The Naturer. s Will Not Need A » • Co/v\PASS To Retrace His Steps iHt LivtRY Op The Blirni3MED Sun /:,Hu^/L" Taking an Outing. 11 US 12:10 10:50 on TH FRpMT r THIS IS HE LIFE Spring at Last. 22S f rrv.if T ..SrS Et. ;S I RE n WAR FEVER— CURED. He had just broken the news of his resolution. "You are not going to the horrible war," she gasped, "and leave college, your diploma, and — me, to fight those Mexicans?" The University Cadet nodiled his head gravely in a manner that bespoke a kntJwlcdge of the danger he was to encounter, and the pleasure he was to forego. "If you go you'll be fired at and be shot by those desperadoes." the little Co-Ed went on. "But. girl, if I stay I stand a chance of being fired out for being half shot by a terrible fac- ulty." he replied sullenly. Her heart went out to him: "Oh. I see you are between two fires, poor boy. I wish I might help you. Is there nothing I can suggest to save you from a soldier's grave?" "No, nothing," he assured her. "1 already as good as done for having been laid out upon a student's beer." There is nothing left but a .soldier's life and the possibiliites of its sad end." The Co-Ed sobbed softly upon the warrior's breast. "I may never see you again, my brave Cadet. No more those Hops shall hold — " "Those hops. aye. those hops", broke in the Cadet bitterly. "They are responsible for my students beer. But never fear I shall return again from Old Me.xico, my girl, and you shall know me though the night be dark." "By the garlic upon thy breath?" she asked eagerly. This astounded him. He had overlooked gar- lic as a possibility for diet in the Land of the Greaser. He was willing to offer his life to his country, but his breath was his own. His reso- lution faltered. She gleamed with joy from liii' face the fact he was going to stay. "You are not going, salute!" she comm;uidcnt walk, and the rake on the lawn. The leader of the barber-shop quartette has his mellow throated near-canaries out serenading the soror- itv sisters. The senior who only needs nine hoin's remarks that from now on until graduation he is going to do nothing but sit on his section of the grandstand and watch baseball practice. The brothers in the Dusty Throat club have been out scouting around, and report signs of a wet spring on the south campus. The Cosmopolitan, the calculu.^, the history note book, all lie in undis- turbed confusion on the floor. The telephone, sorority porch swings, and the forestry walk all report increased activity. The bright array of doggv checked suits makes it plain the call is heard, and that a team of horses coiddn't hold the fusser at home. Yea, bo, spring is here. N. D. B. nn® nn ( nn © nn ON RAGTIME. The Ragtime writer heaved a sigh, he felt so very blue. And the look in his eye was the kind you wear "When the World Has Gone Back on You". He said "I'd like to go 'Sailing down Chesapeake Bay', 'Cross the Mason-Dixon Line,' Or "Any Old Place" just so I could dodge "That Old Girl of Mine". "Why, This Is the Life" that is driving me wild, it's worse than the st'ng of "The Whip". And then he murmured "Good Night Nurse" and gnawed a chunk out of his lip. But his "Lovable Chile" said "Zis for You", and along he had to tag As he cursed his fate and mopped his brow with a "Twentieth Century Rag". ">y'i' Big Brother — Where do you think littie girls go that talk that way? Little Sis— Aw, hell! 230 ON SUFFRAGETTES. Have you a little suffragette in your lionie? If you haven't, yon have missed it. And on the other hand, if \ou had one you would know it. Thev have a had liahit of airing their views all of the time, while if ihey would view their heirs a little they would see that their gramlmothers in the past got along very well witliL'Ut the ballot. They claim they have the welfare of the world upon their shoulders and want to assume the men's troubles. Well, their troubles are cer- tainly not "little ones." They remind us of the hen that cackles and never sets. They would rather rock the world than rock the cradle. She admits that she should love her husband but she thinks that she has been de-voted long enough. That kind of a feeling breeds discon- tent. She is not satisfied with having the last word, but she wants the first one as well. She spares no ])ancs to get her rights. Then she is arrested and becomes a militant. The only change in her now is that before she was put in prison you couldn't kcej) her mouth shut, — and in prison you can't get it open. Oh. women, women, join the sniTragettes and become a sting of beauty and a j.iwer forever. ^'ou do not need the ])oll to vault lo higher planes; stay with us poor men for a while. Don't give up ho]ie of ever getting married yet. Vou can never tell when a getting married con- tagion will strike your town and then everybody wid get married in the neigh bo rhooil. Just look at those Wilson girls for instance, they're going like hot-cakes. Don't be fooled by a vain wish to be just what you happened not to be. We can not be without you. We want you. We love vou still. — the stiller the better. DD® nn \^o Ttieij 90 IN 51>(Ji-Ti At- ifiiNoiS, 3*j — wIiaT ju 15— *^b«d? HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS Down to the old pool room. 231 QUITTING CIGARETTES. This life is dark and dismal, Every outlook blue, and bleak. My thoughts are all wild ravings And my mind is getting weak. I seek in vain for pleasure. Tried voting for the "wets", But not a thing can stir me up — I've sworn off cigarettes. While others seem to laugh and smile And take life as a Joke, I sit In dumb despondency. And dream of curling smoke. Of curling smoke so tempting That all reason I forget, And sit there frantic, mumbling Since I quit the cigarette. A Drop of Student Blood. nnoDD I claimed that I could use them Or let them all alone. I try to do the latter And my every word's a groan. I said that I could stop a week. Backed up by several bets. This awful week has turned to years. While off of cigarettes. The seven days are over — Naw, it didn't get me none, That's just about the softest coin This lad has ever won. And now that I have shown the boys That this habit never gets A man to any real extent — Show me those cigarettes. 232 T M. & -iAS^E^=S S I R. E IH WHAT IT TIS IT QUEENING? I have heard a lot from students Of other college towns, Of this manly art of "Queening", Which it seems has gone the rounds. Now we see a lot of females. At this little school of ours. And some of them are "Creme de Menthes", And some are "Lemon Sours". And while we wouldn't say a word Against our maidens coy. We're mighty sure this "Queening" term's Not meant for Illinois. DD® DD THE TRIALS OF REGISTRATION. Head of the Department. — "You can not stay in this department, you have flunked too much work." Student — "Then I will register in the Ag School." Head of Department — "Have you a dismissal from this school?" Student — "No." Head of Department — "Then 3"ou can't leave. I will give you twenty-four hours to decide what you want to do." nn®nD COST OF PRODUCTION. Ag Student — "We have the profession in life to make money, why the farm products cost more every day." Lit Student — "Sure, when a farmer is supposed to know the botanical name of what he is raising, the zoological name of the insect that eats it and the chem- ical formula of vhat will kill it. — somebody has got to paj'." nn©na IN THE MIDDLE CLASS Wifie — "What is the social scale that the novels talk so much about?" Hubbj' — "That is where they weigh money." DD® nn NOT EVEN ONE OF OURS. Empluytd. — "Are you sober?" Applicant — "Sober, why, I don't even laugh at a joke " Miss Rosenstein — A penny for your thoughts, .Abe. Abie — Vy, Rebecca Rosenstein, Vy such a cheepish skate. nn®nn First Student — I have to go to the movies this after- noon. Second Stude — Why? First Stude — Because I can't go tonight. nn®nn Top floor apartments rent for the highest price; down a floor it's a little lower, but that's another story. nn®nn It's bad enough for a man not to know men's styles, but plague take the one that doesn't know women's. Removal Sale Having to move into temporarj' quar- ters while our present storeroom is being rebuilt, we offer Special Prices on Our Entire Stocl( During the Next Fifteen Days. Make Your Selections Early All goods marked in plain figures Miss Ray L Bowman JEWELER Walker Opera House CHAMPAIGN 233 WATCH THIS PAGE FOR THE COMING DANCES ORANGE & BLUE May 2, College Hall May 30, College Hall CRYSTAL May 15, Crystal Lake GRIDIRON May 9, Bradley May 30, Bradley COLLEGE Interscholastic, Bradley MAKE YOUR DATES EARLY VARSITY May 23, College Hall ONYX June 6, Crystal Lake "1 always love a lock," he said As he touched the curls that eucirclcil her lu-ad. "Oh ! George, how can you so silly be As to love a lock?" asked she. George laughed till he shook from side to side. Then calmed his mirth and softly replied : "I love a lock, as I said before, Because it's something to a-door." — Tlic Princeton Tiger. "There's one thing about these tight skirts," she remarked vic- toriously, "the wind can't blow them up in the air." "It doesn't need to," he remarked drily, and she is still wondering what he meant. — The Columbia Jester. "I hear that neighbor Perkins has bought another goat." "Yes, I just got wind of it." — 'Purple Cow. Hip — I see one of tliesc engineering students has a door lock that is opened by music, ^'ou sing or hum in a certain tune and the door opens. Hop — I suppose that it locked in the same way — by a bar of music. — Tlie Giirgoyte. -n- The boy stood on the burning deck ; Relief ships blew their horns; Alas, he could not move, because Tlie lieat had popped his corns. — Tlie Californiii .fester. "If you take me to that Bridge Party tomorrow, I'll wear that new French gown." "Not a chance, ^'ou only need to show your hand there." — The Columbia Jester. JOIN THE CROWD AND HAVE YOUR PRINTING DONE BY THE Urbana Courier Co. Tne Largest Printing Estaolisnment in Cnampaign County The Daily Courier-Herald. The Daily lllini. The Weekly Courier-llera The Illinois Agriculturist The Star Lecture Course Bulletin. The Rosemary. The Sigma Chi News. The Ilus Javelin. Eta Kappa Nu Quarterly. Printers of The PhiSigma Kappa Watchword. The Phi Knppa Sigma War Whoop Ij The Beta Theta Pi Bulletin The Monmoutli College Quarterly. The Kappa Kappa (ianima Bulletin The Dope Shtet. The Fair Premium List. The U. of I. Press Bulletin. Sigma Alpha Epailon Lion Tattler. The Phi Gamma Delta Fiji Cyclone The Theta Delta Chi House Dope. First Class Priating Reasonable Prices Work Done When Promised Go where all the Go's Go; where things Go with a Go Urbana's High Class Pliotoplay Theater Presenting the World's Best Photoplay Attractions. Program changed daily. Big productions presented Wednesdays and Fri- ilav.H House Features the best in the World. BIG PRODUCTIONS COMING In Wednesday, April 22n(l — "The Mystery o( the Fatal Pearl.' Five Parts. Friday. April 24th — No. 7 "Kathlvn" Series— In Two Parts. Wedne.-day, April 29th -^ "The Vicarof Waketield"-ln Four Parts Friday, May 1st — "Judith of Bethulia" — In Four Spectacular Parts FOUR PIECE ORCHESTRA Read Vrogram in Daily Press 234 The Soda Season is Open We are ready for you with our delicious ice creams, sundaes, ices, egg drinks and other fountain dainties. Try our delicious MARSHMALLOW HOT SUNDAE I5c Each day we will serve a new drink and a new sundae — all our own specials. HARRIS & MEAD 608 East Green St. Spring's here, team's doin' nice, gotta fine date tonight, wearin' Zomduds from B.V.'s out, gotta pack of luxuries handy~sa-ay, I'll croak the Frosh that wakes me up. Zom Zombro, Green street Champaign Arrow SHIRT SUITS A combination of a perfectly -^*- comfortable pair of drawers and a perfectly comfortable over shirt. $2.00 and up. CLUETT. PEABODY & CO.. Inc. Makers o( Arbow Collars and Shirts 235 Maurefs Jewelry Store U. OF I. PINS AND COLLEGE JEWELRY OF EVERY DESCRIPTION FRAT PINS of all kinds made to order. FINE REPAIRING OF WATCH KS, CLOCKS AND JEWELRY Chas. Maurer Next Door Elks Billiard Hall THE WHITE SHOP CLEANING and PRESSING Suits caUed for and delivered. Calls answered promptly Work done correctly Deliveries made on time Phone Bell 1237 118 S. Race St. URBANA The sharks as greedy as can be; he gobbles grades and quizzes, And teachers smiles, and big fat A's that everybody misses. And scholarships, and fellowships, and honors quite immense. But still he never seems to get a bit of com- mon sense. —The N orthwcstcrn Magazine. "Here's rest to the weary, In peace rest his soul ; Good luck to the wanderer Who's lost the key-hole. — The Wabash. A proud hen had just started out to show her new arrivals the wonders oi a chicken yard, when two of the neighbors roosters came running to see the unusual sight. "Gee, there's extravagance for you— raising a family and eggs sixty cents a dozen.— 77u' W abash. The First Party— Lemuel stutters terribly, doesn't he? The Second Party— Why, he's deaf and dumb. The First Party— I know, but he has the St. Vitus dance.— T/i(? Cornell IVidozv. "The doctor says I must quit smoking. One lung is nearly gone." "Oh dear! John, can't you hold out till we get enough coupojis for that rug?" — I! ash- iiujton Herald. "Do you know, John, there are times when you show signs of actual human intelligence." "That's alright, Charles, if you know twice as much as you do now, you'd be halfwitted. — Flic Minnehaha. Innocent Old Lady— I've heered so much about tliat Tango tea here lately. How much is it a pound?— Li/i-. "Hey, Timothy." "What is it?" "Alfalfa."— r/if Minnehaha. "It's all off for tonight," said the fourth- season debutante, as she wiped her face v/ith a towel. — Cornell Jester. Does it Pay to Ad- vertise? How do we know unless you tell us you saw this ad. in the Siren.^ C. A. KILER Furniture Rugs, Linoleums Picture Frames Before your dance try the Beardsleys 6 o'clock dinners in our private din-^ in^ room. BE/\RDSLEY HOTEL Champaign, ///. 236 THE a I U E iH ^41^ Chicago's Finest Hotel The central location, perfect service, excel- lent equipment, luxurious furnishings and home-like atmosphere make Hotel LaSalie the most popular hotel in Chicago. Whether you come to Chicago on pleas- ure or on business you will find Hotel La Salle the ideal place to stay. It's easiest to reach— aind closest to every place you want to go — Theatres, Public Buildings. Shopping Streets. Financial and Business Distncts lie at its very door. Hotel La Salle gives more for the price you pay than any other hotel in Chicago. Everybody Likes Hotel La Salle KATES: One Person P\Oom xATth detached bath P\Oom with private bath Two Persons Pvoom with detached bath Rootn with piivaie bath Per Day $2 to $3 $3 to J5 Per Day $3 to $5 JS to J8 Two Connecting Rooms with Bath Per Day Two Persons ' - - - $5 to $8 Four Persons - - - - $8to$15 La Salle at Madison Street, Ernest J. Stevens, Vice President and Manager The Illinois Billard Hall 306 and 308 Hickory Court Cavanaugh Bros. Smokers Sundries 39 North Neil St. H. L. RENNE Photographer Champaign, III. First Suburban— How do you get so many eggs? Second Suburban— I treated my hens so unscientifically that they're .all laying for me. — Hanard Lampoon. ^n^ "Louie, come einmal out of der rain!" "No, I ain't." "Yess, you did." — The Wisconsin Sphinx. K/\MPUS Klothes For Young Men A liiant in Clothinj,' Value that embodies every good point a man can a?k for LIBERTY CLOTHING CO. THE SMOOTHEST ^^f ]\ /rUSlC hath charms — add a pipeful of ■^ '-^ Velvet and you are a whole orchestra. Such is the pleasure of good tobacco. Vel- vet, the tenderest leaf— aged in the old ware- house for two years — a slow, sombre, time- process of mellowing — 1:1 which all harshness is lost — the flavor toned, sweetened, made exquisitely smooth. A smoke without bite — music without discord! Velvet is known to be the most carefully matured smoking to- bacco — only time can produce its delights — only patiencG insures its pleasures. All yours! At c\[ dealers. O^fV-e-^^^yi^^^e^t^ %yo^aeeo ^^ Full Two Ounce Tins 238 XMIB. -SiaEJH jMJUiA "^ — ' MANY TIMES THIS YEAR HAVE WE SPOKEN TO YOU and now that the time of separation is drawing niph, we request that you remember U8 in your vacation f ravers— not that we neeti them, but merely as an appreciation of our efforts to serve vou in the printing game. THE UNIVERSITY PRESS JOB PRINTERS End of tHe Street Car Line in Urbana BotK Phones Champaign Steam Laund ry Monroe & Keusink Bros., Proprietors Home Phone 1115 Bell Phone 891 28 N. Neil Street, Opposite Walker Opera House She — Our new sorority house is in a fearful mess. All full of whitewash and paint. He — I didn't know that you girls moved in yet I — The Calif oriiii Pelican. ^□-. Barber in University Shop — "D you want a close shave?" Stude — "ril have one if I get out of this chair alive."— T/if Cohiiiibia Jester. ™e PRINTING OF BOOKS, MAGAZINES, ETC. Is a large part of our business WE PRINT THESE PERIODICALS: THE FACULTY LIST THE STUDENTS' DIRECTORY THE TRUSTEES' MINUTES THE ALUMNI QUARTERLY THE FORTNIGHTLY NOTES THE SIREN THE SIGMA XI QUARTERLY NORTH CENTRAL ASSOCIATION REPORT THE UNIVERSITY STUDIES STUDIES IN THE SOCIAL SCIENCES THE UNIVERSITY REGISTER, and Many Others. ■WE ARE EQUIPPED FOR ALL TECHNICAL PUBLICATIONS IF YOU HAVE PRINTING TO BE DONE WE KNOW HOW TO DO IT The Flanig'an-Pearson Co., Champaign, 111 X.-M IB ■ ■' 5 I JR. E W EMPIRE Steam Laundry 103 West University Ave. SHAW 6 PLOTNER BROS., Props. Telephones: Home 1392; Bell 748 WHEN YOU TRAVEL TAKE THE Illinois Traction System Mckinley lines ^T Clean, Comfortable, Frequent, Convenient, Safe AUTOMATIC BLOCK SIGNALS Protect all Train Movements When You Go Home Ride the ''RO/\D OF GOOD SERVICE'' Electric Vacuum Cleaners REMOVE ALL THE DUST EASY TO HANDLE CHEAP TO RUN Telephone us to demonstrate one for you in your own house The Caldwell Company Champaign miVgf^ We Rent Visible Remingtons Visible Smith Premiers Visible Monarchs TERMS: $ 3.00 for one month $1 5.00 for six months Machines in first-class condition. Sent anywhere Remington Typewriter Company (Incorporated] 404 East Monroe St., I. O. 0. F. Bldg. Springfield, 111. J. H. NIEMANN, Jr. Local Representative 77 Neil St. Bell phone 448 240 "Vantage in'^ Yes, it happened only a few years ago — we had made a choice cigarette — purest and finest of tobacco — Fatima Cigarettes. We decided to first place it on sale in college towns. What happened, you know — a popu- larity that grew by leaps and bounds and smashes — and today the biggest selling ciga- rette in the country ! Championship quality ! Plain package — good tobacco — 20 times! lOfyr \iy "Distinctively IndvviduaV* J^WfiM<«JnjWt^JoicucoGar. W TURKISH BLEND ^ CIGARETTES i 0W^ UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS-URBANA 3 0112 043294435 ->-* -'<>^-^^^; ^^J' >^i ':jik>^- '^Vv , '?1 -.<•■ 'f- • i - . **,'.%' ^ J^^