.:^- >«' ST. '>^: .*- 4t - ' ^.y .->*-^ ''■■-^■.(^A •*^.. w , • "v ■•%^ /f »■,' -«-t<: 'S'4 '■ M;^^^5v*«r jpv, ••:' ^f«*< r- ^ / ^^ri.vt''' cV- -5^-{^--,A„ •?> ^;j^-^v "T-v- :!>j«v^.^ THE UTSIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS LIBRARY c THE SIREN VOL. VI.. NO 1 Posi-Vacation Number ^^^i^i i^fi^^iVf^^ iiaiiMiaaiiii'ift- ifi- Yi'Si [ •NEXT STOP IS CHAMPAIGN!" ^ How do yoiir cigarettes treat you AFTER you smoke them? (This is a test that few cigarettes can stand up under) Many other good ciga- rettes besides Fatimas taste mighty good — WHILE you are smok- ing them. Fatimas are not the only good ones. Although Fatimas taste so good that they con- tinue to outsell any other cigarette costing over 5c. But Fatimas deliver something more than good taste. They will give you cigarette com- fort— comfort while you are smoking them and comfort AFTER you smoke them. While you are smok- A Sensible Cigarette 20^/15<^ ing them, they will feel cool and comfortable to the throat and tongue. And AFTER you smoke them — even though you may smoke more than usual— they will leave you feeling as you'd like to feel No heavy or "heady" feeling — none of that "mean" feeling of having smoked too much. All this is the reason why Fatimas are called a SENSIBLE cigarette. Yes — some day you will try Fatimas. Why not do it today ? The original Turkish blend The Co-Op ON THE SQUARE Complete University Supplies. i^^cr^n:!^^ ^TMP'= Quick Service Postal Station Telegraph Station Kodaks and Kodak Finishings The Co-op THE BIG STORE 769014 Wuestman ^^^ ^'"^ jewelry— diamonds arid gifts of lasting quali- — ly— come in and peruse our stock— by far the largest and best selected array in the twin cities. Wuestman "^£ ^iffani; of (Campaign" Classified List of Advertisers BARBERS— G. C. Ehrgott 38 Gastons 3.^ Joe's Barber Shop 3 BOOK stores- Co - op 1 Lloyde - confectioners— Bradley 32 D. E. Harris Inside Back Cover Frank Mead 25 CLOTHIERS— Cluett, Peabody & Co 31 Marshall ^ Zombro 30 Pitsenbarger & Flynn 33 JEWELERS— Ray L. Bowman 5 T. H. Craig 32 A. E. Wuesteman — 2 Jos. C. Bowman 27 PHOTOGRAPHERS— Strauch 3 Renne ^-. 33 POOL AND BILLIARDS— Newman 5 RESTAURANTS— L. D. Buck - 39 Ostrands 32 THEATRES— Belvoir 35 Colonial 6 Lyric 39 Orpheum 40 Park 30 TOBACCOS— Fatima Inside Front Cover Bull Durham 37 TRANSFER COMPANIES— Chester's 33 O'Byrne's Z'i SHOES— Curry & Taylor '36 Swearingen's 3 J W. W. Paul 3 MISCELLANEOUS— Sam'l Abrams 3 Star Course 4 Philbrick's Gift Shop 25 Beardsley Hotel 30 G. R. Grubb 31 Champaign Sanitary Milk Co 33 Champaign Tea and Coffee Co 39 Champaign Ice Cream Co Inside Back Cover Klaxon Back Cover Chicago Market Co 34 J. H. Doyle 35 Illinois Pressing Shop 35 Champaign Steam Laundry .36 Soft Water Laundry 36 Wozencraft & Finder 39 Henderson Print Shop 40 VniT WIT T ^MTT F ALL THROUGH THE COLLEGE lUU WILL aiyill^t. Year if you START RIGHT and BUY YOUR BOOKS AND UNIVERSITY SUPPLIES at We have remodeled our front sides, enlarged our back sides, let daylight into our top sides, cut out and adjusted some of our insides, so as to give you better Service On A)) Sides LOYDES TWO STORES. JOE'S BARBER SHOP :-: :-: First Class Service 621 South Wright Street :-: Three Doors North of Co-Op J. M. FOLEY. Proprietor CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS A Photo Finishing Service Which Aims to PLEASE YOU Strauch's Opposite President's Campus Home and 12 N. Neil Street Film Kodaks Supphes U[ I lAM WALLACE PA . •f MAIN 8. WALNUT ST. CHAMPAIGN ILL. y CONSISTENCY I long, oh, so much, to write of fhe aesthetic. I possess beautiful thoughts and Ideals. I adore Nature, even thorns! I am stirred by the classics. Even ragtime quickens me and stirs my emotions. I am, what people call, a co-ed. I am homely! —A. E. Singer. Ha, ha! Ho, ho! Hee, hee, hee! Pretty good! Haw, haw! That's rich! Well, well! (Sniff) (Titter) But All Jokes Aside "liyHEN you settle down to business and are ready for a Typewriter, make a bee-line for Sam'L Abrams The Typewritei Man 612 E. Green St. CHAMPAIGN {East of Harris'' Candy Store) ALL MAKES Typewriters SOLD $10 to $105 RENTED Three et im- catch a fragrant whiff or two, a i)erfiune gently blown 15v a friendly summer wind from the Evenings When I Pined— l.et'mc drowse another hour or two, and dream another dream Of the girl 1 left bi'lrnd — of the girl I left behindl Editor-in-Chief Sampson M. Raphaelson Advertising Manager Art Editor M. B. Ware James H. Ticknor Circulation Manager Fred C. Patton George Buchanan C. W. CampbeU Don V. Chapman V. N. Clark Philip Corper A. A. Dajley T. R. Gibson E. R. Brigham R. A. Bryant Editorial Staff Carleton Healy C. E. Keck E. Malapert ;H. T. Meek Gladys Philbrick R. H. Thompson Harold Turner A. S. Van Deusen Business Staff G. S. Davidson . C. Kalthof C. A. Pavey "HELLO, BOYS!" ttHlLL! Gee, I'm glad t' see ya!" "Hello, Tom!" 'B' "Honest, Dick, you look good t' me.' "Jim! O-o-o-oh — Jim! C'mover 'n shake me hand!" Gosh, but it's great to get back! It's a good old school. Lots of fighting spirit; lots of friendship. And behind it all, can anyone fail to feel the big wheels of labor turn- ing aroimd? Nothing is more joyous than the work of youth, the stress of growth, the labor of love. Nothing is finer than the smile of a friend. Nothing is sweeter than a coed's eyes. Lots of noise; lots of ambition; lots of mental and physical health. Gosh, but it's great to get hack! COMPULSORY MILITARY MANY years ago a bill came up in the state legislature provinign for a state university. Senator Blink saw to it that a compulsory military training clause was inserted. Then he leaned back and looked compla- cent. He dreamed a pleasant dream. He saw college students filtering out into the world, ready to give su- perior service not only in times ol peace but in case of war. He saw sturdy, enthusiastic, capa- ble soldiers and officers. He looked even as far ahead as 1916 and pictured such a large reg- istration at the University that two T student regiments would have to he formed. Fighting bodies these would be, joyfully march'ns, innehine- like in their precision. Senator Blink's dream has not come true. Our student cadets are a depressed, irritable, slipshod body of men. They Our officers are poorly trained; it is impossible to make an efficient of- ficer where military is a minor and ^subservient interest. The methods of drill are madden- ingly inefficient. The cadet move- ments are top heavy. The average cadet stands on one spot, jerky, ner- vous, ill-humored, more than half the time of his "drill" period. It is to be expected. You can't train an of- ficer under exisrting conditions, to maneuver a large body of men with anything resembling mastery. Therefore, from the viewpoint of the military department, fully half of the "drill" time is wasted. It is more than wasted, from the viewpoint of the cadet. It makes him "sore" — disgruntled, dull, weary. It makes him just that much less capable of interest in his studies, iust that much less keenly active in his human relations. The average student can learn in one semester, if properly handled, more military than he is learnins now in two years. As it is, he gets a year and a half of endless repetition which leaves him more "ragged" than he was at its beginning. Wit- ness the superiority of the average freshman company, after the first se- mester, over the average sophomore company. There is only one way to handle the cadet properly. Take him out of college. Give him military train- ing in the summer, or give it to him hi'fore he has entered university or after he has left. Germany is a great military nation, but it is also a great university na- tion. One reason for its greatness in both is that it does not mix them. Poor, deluded Senator Blink! How- ever, one cannot hold him to account. His dream occurred man.' years ago. But how about those in power to- day? Are they seeing the situation in good perspective? Or do they think because our band's harmonious blare is almost 8 deafening that we are successful ex- ponents of the preparedness Idea? How do they know that the plan here is successful? Reports from the military department represent only one side. There shou d be an official effort to get the rpal facts, and all of thrm. IMPUDENCE AND SENTIMENT Ax impudent Siren she will be this year — an impudent Siren and a sentimental one. She wiil gossip about you to your face, and she will spoon with you. She will laugh at you and. at times, think, earnfst, youthful thoughts with regard to your welfare. She will try to help you have a good time, and she will demand to know how you are spending your time — and why. She will be your pal. your sweet- heart and your conscience. So it is with smiling lips, serious eyes and alluring grace that the Siren curtsies low and bids you "Welcome." ARE YOU A PIN CUSHION? LOOK at a man's vest if you want to know what he isn't. Every little pin you see most like- ly has a meaninglessness all its own. There is a difference between join- ing organizations and collecting pins. And quite a few of the fellows who think t.iey are joining organizations are merely serving the function of a pin cushion. Not a common, ordinary, red-plush pin cushion, of course.. A nice, well tailored, haberdash-topped, watch chain-pmbroidercd pin cushion with beautiful gold and jeweled pins. But, nevertheless, a pin cushion. Are you a pin cusaion? Have J'ou joined one of the twenty odd useless organizations on this cam- pus? Do you give time, effort and money — not to mention vest space — • to nothing? Is your picture in the II- lio three hundred times? If not— Are you going to be a pin cushion? Oh, Green street once was shady. Shy and cool and shady. And all its homes retiringly Stayed off the beaten way. It was so nice to stroll along And josh around or sing a song And look at the girls admiringly As they passed in bright array. Green Street But Green street now is brazen; The dollar's clutch it sways in — A cobbler's place is jutting here And a lunch room's leering there. The freshman of tomorrow — What memories can he borrow? Can his mind color the scene so drear? Do you think he'll learn to care? A MINOR NOTE. The only thing which has an orig- inal cost but no upkeep is a funeral. A COLORED lady came to a surgeon to have a broken jaw mended. The man of medicine, desirous of intelligently understanding the case, questioned his patient tactfully. "Was it a hard object with which you were struck?" he asked, after she told him that her jaw had been put in its p ight by a collision. "Tol'bly haad, boss, lol'bly haad," was all she said. "Was it coming very rapidly?" continued the doctor patiently. "Tol'bly swift, boss, tol'bly swift." The surgeon asked several ques- tions more, whereupon the colored lady became exasperated and said: "Weil, if yo' done must know. Ah wuz jest naturally kicked in de Jaw by a gen'l'man friend!" What is an over-dressed girl?" "One who has too little on." Thf- fellow who puts things off un- til the last minute will have an aw- ful time on his deathbed. wmsm T..IM E:.--- S- IJft'E H m.4 SUMMER NEWS D. G'S. ARE FOILED lo Tin Saving Effort to Buy Flat UnivMIe, ..^ ... — Summer school at the LJ. of I. opened here today with a total enrollment of nearly 1,000 high school marms and profs in attend- ance. Stocks in summer society mar- kets experienced a slight flurry up- ward with the registration of "Brink" Brinkerhoff. Campusburg on the Boneyard, . ., -Dean T. A. Clark left early this morning to attend the annual conclave of the Theta Nu Epsilon fraternity at Keysburg. Sorority Row, III., ..^ ... — Members of Tappa Nu Keg held their regular summer meeting here last night. President Fecker Light of Danville presided. The general conclave was opened at eleven p. m., shortly after a sum- mer dance at the Beta house was closed, and continued until 5 a. m.. When Mr. Fecker Light had disap- peared. The meeting broke up in dis- order, several members leaving in pajamas. The parties who left a five gallon lard can^ half full of ice, on the Alpha porch, can get same by calling in per- son and leaving name for Dean Clark. Chicago, III., Aug. 8. — Illinois Uni- versity won the annual team cham- pionship of the Western Intercollegi- ate dude shinny association here to- day with a total of 816, as to North- western's 854. Kyleville, III., June 24. — Regular weekly summer dances at the Wom- an's building of the University of Illinois began last night under the direction of the Beardsley, Brown and Kyle Co. TAPPA KEGS MEET Sept. 18. — initiations of fraternity freshmen into the secret order of T. O. C. are frustrated by kindly and con- siderate brothers. At this function the season on school marms opened. Licenses were taken out at the office of the dean of women yesterday. Promboro, III., Aug — The regular summer 'Prom' was held last night at the Armory under the direc- tion of "Duce" Hart, "Hal" Beardsley and "Tom" Brown. The financiers cleared $2 each. Brown failed to cj;rry out his repu- tation as escort to Dean Martha Kyle, his usual "Prom" ocupation. On Sorority Row In Sum- mer Session If the "Froshess" looked as she felt! 10 The Triangles, S. A. E. and A. T. O. houses were entered during the sum- mer, nothing of great value being taken. "Slats" Se'nseman, at the Tri- angle resort, encountered a burglar in the upper hall of the fraternity house. Neither saw the other after- ward. A University "Movie," which was to be shown again last week, was taken during the summer, featuring "Heinle" Sellards, "Art"Metzler and the Phi "Sig" fraternity pin. Written by Mrs. Kay, of Urbana, the play was a decided success. One of the most notable features was a "close-up" on the Phi "Sig" pin, worn by Metzler. The acting was good, students of the University in summer work tak- ing the parts. The play was filmed and directed by a Chicago ..cinema photographer. Champaign Headquarters of E. J. James — Dr. Fannie Gates has been named Dean of Women at the Univer- sity of Illinois to succeed Miss Mar- tha Kyle, temporary dean, and perpe- trator of the "Urbana Sorority Row" movement. A scribe in the background opines that he could "tip" the new dean off to a few things, but won't. Delta Gamma sorority .has "pur- chased" a house in Urbana. Tin foil collecting got rather tiresome, the ^isters reported, and since the depart- ure of several fraternity seniors, the foil has been rather scarce. It has been estimated that by 1988 the incoming freshman class of the sorority will have but $25,000 a year interest and $50,000 principal to pay in case cigarette companies continus to wrap their product In foil. X M E ■■ SI a E J< i^-^^fc^^ Mc-ChQ^ ^^ P^O FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE n ^J A SON OF THE WORLD AND A WONDERFUL LIE THIS is a tale, interspersed with with a wail, Of envy in all its gradations; The Doings and Dids of The Colleger Kids While they were away on vacations. They've all had their revels like r' g- ular devils These cynics with worldliness bloated, But they'd scarce be amused if they were accused Of saying the things herewith quoted. Toward the train For Champaign Once again I had dashed; Embraces Kissed faces. Suitcases. I'd crashed; In my race For a place I would chase Unabashed. I arrived at the car, Heaved a sigh, "Bye and bye, I'll be cozily seated Wifhin it," thought I. Then came profanity, Half of humanity Fired with insanity Came 'fore my eye. Then I awaken Wrathful and shaken I stand with my luggage. The others quite heedless; Someone was cheating me. Someone was beating me, Hapless and strapless I_ find myself seatless. Back of a seat goes my suitcase, kerplunk: Tnder a seat goes the rest of my junk: Oh, how condoling At last we are rolling. Time to start worrying over my trunk. Such a bewildering melee of noises. Tenor and alto and baritone voices Crowded together in frenzied re- joices. Not a face Any place Shows a yearning to meet me. Here are two That I knew, But they won't even greet me; So now I decide that I must abide By my fate Or I'll die ere the end of this ride. In anticipation Of this situation 1 listen, and shortly I catch a narra- tion That seems to shine through from the conglomeration. 'Tis a chronicle wild From the lips of a child Of twenty or so, just returned from vacation. "It was slow, Don't you know, A fortnight or so I spent in the Catskills At our big chateau. I had two or three cars And lots of cigars And enough wines and li- quors To start thirty bars. But what could I do? It's apparent to you That I must have pleasure; Simp life is taboo. So one July day I hastened away And went to Bar Harbor For a brief little stay, But all of our set. From Eileen to Yvette, Were touring the ocean. So I got the notion 12 To start an affair. I wired Ina Claire The Queen of the Follies That I'd soon be there At the Waldorf to meet her, Say, we are some pair! She's a little bit gay, Borders on the risque The hit of the season The boxholders say. Broadway was dead The whole burg was in bed — But few of the sports Stand the pace that we led. She's like Bacchus' daugh- ter. Drinks wine just like water, The food that I bought her— The best Oscar caters; While champagny juice Was just running loose And Oh the abuse That we heaped on the waiters ; And yet it was boring. So listless deploring. And all through vacation I caught myself snoring. In folly and viciousness I've been im- mersed; I've seen the old world at its best from the first. And now that I'm grown I'll have to be shown — For fun and excitement I've sure got a thirst." And then the youth lialts in his wild recitation .\bout his experience during vaca- tion Secure in the hunch That he's faded the bunch And gained a dare devilish swift reputation. Now the rest look askance With significant glance — The youth settles down with a sigh; And some believed And some weren't deceived And in with the latter am I. For I was aware (Continued on Page 27) ^r-»& X.JW El.-- ^. I U-^ JH ■• Ukulele Tunes 1. Theta Girls Are Lovelier B The-ta ^r\% are love-ll- er tKa.rv a - rv v ^icl^ 1 Know — m I'dliif^to maVCe a Thar - ar - ry' me, I'd^vekfoB. my ^fj'r,,j J ^ ^^ 'treas-uresond nr\ 7 NOW— (?o on with the r2st: esj — e.r lov "in^ li ^ e I'd give her all my neckties and I'-' give her all my shoes — I'd give her all the pipes upon my shelf. I'd give her every coin that's jingling 'round In all my jeans; I'd give her every moment of my ever-loving self. I'd give her all my mem'ri^s ani I'd give her all of my boofcs — I'd give her all .my overcoats and shirts. I'd give her all my razors and my Colgate's shaving soap — I'd give her all my good looks — and I don't care if she flirts . I'd give her all the pictures of the girls I used to love — I'd give her all the letters that they wrote; I'd give her all my future and my ukulele chords — I'd give her all my relatives and — I don't care if she votes. Note: The chords are given according to any standard ukulele instimction book. The instrument should be strung G, C, E, A. The word "Theta" is used arbitrarily. "Pi Phi," "Kappa," "Chi O," etc., may be read- ily substituted. We recommend that you hesitate a long time before you send the SHOCKING NUMBER of the SIREN [out October 9th] to your relatives and friends. 13 ^Bsm T M JB ,S I a K i-i i^SL^SLiOfL. SUNDAY CLOSING NEWCOMERS will be interested to know that on Sunday all ten- nis courts, movie and vaudeville the- ,atres and the golf links are c osed. There is nothing to do on Sunday but go to church. If one's inclination does not happen to lie that way, one can always take a walk or even study. You may be constrained to inquire as to what is harmful about sports and amusement on the Sabbath — from a political viewpoint. But do your inquiring, in private. Don't air your complaint, if you should have one on this subject, in public. If you do, some may say that u are a "kicker," one who is al- ways looking for trouble It will be pointed out that there are many attractive things about this community, and that you have delib- erately ignored them and selected a, 'o you, disagreeable feature. You will probably be told that '^n so many things are nice you ave no right to recognize the ones that are not. And if you believe that, and obediently proceed to boost all the good things and ignore the poor ones, you will be well-liked. Dean Clark Writes On Ihe Funny Freshman I am not so sure that the freshman is funny; that depends on the freshman. I haA-e seldom found him fumiy. He has but seldom been an object to ]3rovoke laughter in me. If I wislied to be amused by undergraduate exaggerations and eccentricities I should seek out the sopho- more whose monumental self-assurance and self- complacency and whose bizarre sartorial display have always had for me a distinct, even though it were an unconscious,, humor. I always smile at a sophomore swaggering down the street. He lias on me the same effect as the contemplation of a proposed practical joke. He is going to be surprised when he realizes how much lie has to Icuirsi. But the freshman, on his arrival at least, is no joke — he is a serious reality to himself and to the college. A thing to be funny has to be un- expected, has to spring a surprise, and the fresh- man is as certain as the seasons and as easily recognizable as "fli^^'ers." If he is funny at all it is when he has been about the campus just long enough to adopt its customs without having assimilated them, to ape a new language, a new style of dress, new manners, without making them his own. When he arrives in September the freshman often shows a touch of pathos; it is wlien he goes home at Christmas with his newly acquired styles, his new experiences, and his smattering of knowledge that he has to take scrupulous care lest he be funny. 14 T M El- S I R E J^ ^^ /' iL. TH E pretty picture here, Theresa, is that of Pledge Day. Pledge Day is the day when all the newly- made sisters put on their best after- noon gowns and art- driven to their new homes, where they are kissed in public by their new sisters. Of course, Tlie- resa, you silly child! Of course, they are ladies — perfect ladies ! Poor taste? Well. yes, from the point of view of the la- dies it should be. But think of all the men, the hundreds of men, who crowd the street and stare and make re- marks. If we didn't have Pledge Day. what would these men do in order to en- joy the afternoon? Why, they might be driven to go to a vaudeville show — but even that would not entertain them as much as seeing all these per- fectly nice young ladies parading in public to be kissed. Certainly, TheTCsa, the pledges know that the hundreds of young men will be there to watch. Embar* rassed? Well, they might be, but then what fun would there he if the spectators weren't there? Theresa, you are unkind! Making a show of themselves — indeed! Why- Pledge Day is a university tradition, and you mustn't question ii. GUIDE TO CAMPUS HUMOR Every freshman wants to see the funny things of the University, but he hesitates to inquire the way. Tut, tut, it is quite simple. Follow: First to the laughing hyena at the museum in the Natural History building. The funny-bones of the mon- keys are also tasre. A delightful patch of tickle-grass may be observed in the southwest zone of the forestry. Also a few haw-trees. The old Main Ha 1 clock runs in a happy-go-lucky way somewhat enjoyable to all. One of the big jokes of the campus is the hospital behind the military stable. The other is the celebration urn "lae take-off at the jumping pit on Illinois Field should be visited, of course. If you want a dead give-away, ask for a catalog at the Registrar's office. Plenty of waggery on the South Farm. For good local bits go to some of the preliminary TootbslI games. But the most killing thing of all is the cadet brigade. Summer Reading ALONG around in May or June, when our vacation's coming soon, we look ahead and think what we are going to read when we're all free from note books and that serious stuff. "I'll read for pleasure — something rough — instead of grinding Taussig's mess." And then we ponder, "Well, I guess I'll do some reading that'll make me feel It's worth the time I'll take — the things I've heard of since a child; Bennett, Shaw and Oscar Wilde, and some by this chap Tuergeneff, and some of this stranse modem stuff." That's what w^e say when it is June and our vacation's coming soon. But in July up at the lake we always hated to for- sake the boats and beaches, and the night was purple black with stars so white and softened by a silver moon — a fellow couldn't help but spoon. In August time a lazy fit took hold of us and we would sit arouna and drearn and laze away the golden, sleepy, summer day. Why, we would sort of seem to shrink from things which might have made us think. Books didn't seem to fill the bill: on rainy days we'd stall until the "Cosmopolitan" we'd spy end then we'd sit and read, oh my! It's thu.* in August and July when our vacation's slippin"? by. 15 messm ^kL..- Only One Arm at the Wheel WITH my home town love, and with etars above, And only ore arm at the wheel Of my little old Ford with Its squeaks and discord — That's a vacation real! No summer cruise, No Alpine views. No rare Imported wine, No midnight meals, No Locomobiles, No yachting trips for mine; No River Rhone, No Yellowstone, No Adirondack jaunts, No fishing trips. No poker chips. No rest in mountain haunts; No outing tramps, No lakeside camps. No big summer hotels. No Maine resorts, No water sports, No hobnobbing with swells; No summer spent On pleasure bent — Just simple life, you see, And yet I'll bet That you'll regret Your summer more than me. I chance to know — And it's surely so — That most all swell vacations, Are spent In Spain By a fertile brain, In its hallucinations. With my home town love, and with stars above, And only one arm at the wheel Of my little old Ford, Just a Ford, but oh Lord — That's a vacation real! C£ KECK., OH, it's "Tommy's a crook," or "Tommy's a god," or "Tommy's a regular scout," Whenever the door of the den of the Dean opens up and a student comes out. It's "Tommy's in league with the Champaign police," when a fellow's been nabbed with a jag. And I've heard fellows say, "What a heart he has got!" when he's helped falt'ring feet not to lag; — But It's "Tommy's got brains, you can say what youi please!" when his scalpel -like tongue starts to wag! A young man who was leaning against the entrance wall of a large city building, smoking a cigaret, was ap- proached by an elderly gentleman. "Young feller," said the latter, "smoking clgarets is a vile habit. Why don't you quit and become industri- ous? Why, it you practice self-denial during your life, some day you'll own this building!" "Have you practiced self-denial all your lif«?" asked the young man. "I certainly have." "Do you own this building?" "No." "I do." EVOLUTION OF THE FRESHMAN 16 i ^^MM^ SUSAN LUMMOX, HER RISE AND FALL By W. Chambers Robber The greatest cereal Mr. Robber has ever written. Susan is the only elevator girl known to fiction. First she goes up and then she goes down. Note: You know irhat it is- to be in lore, f/cntlc reader. You knou-, oh, j/ou niu.st know! Because if you don't — u-^ll , read the story and .vfc On the other hand, if you do — well, rend the story and' find out wliat THEY did! What Has Gone Before. Susan Lummox is, strange to say, bom without a name. She is even born without an age. Likewise with- out coiffure and teeth. But people have forgotten all about these things by the time she is an exquisite child of sixteen. Only they remember that she was bom without a name. And it makes a difference. Oh, yes. Teeth don't count. Age don't count. Noth- ing don't count except that name business. Especially did it count with the malicious and gossiping women of the village of Cholomond- e'y-Talliaferro in Exess^ex. They ne- glected their washing and let their children go without their drippins' 'n read just to stand around in their back yards and tell each other what a bally, or perchance blooming, dis grace it was to the fair name of the countryside that this Lummox was nrn without a name. Finally Susie's individuality asserted itself. You know what that means. Right away she climbed into the vortex of the swirl of the turmoil. You know what that means. Of course. She went to the city, the big city — all alone, homeless, friendless, shameless — climbed on a street car, and leaned breathlessly to the thrill of it all. ■'ow the warm blood coursed through herl Her cheeks g'owed and her fves sbonel Yes, they did. A millionaire wanted to marry her. but why should she marry a millionaire when there were plenty of shabby young men in Lunnon? So finally she went on the stage in Os- * ^^&^''X^, She hesitated — fearfully. kaloosa Iowa, and made a big hit. Life was poignant, swift, terrific, wonderful I Oh. how she loved it all! Suddenly she is stricken by poverty, cold and hunger. Drooping, drab and dizzy, she leans against the icy wind and walks the sloppy sidewalks night after night. She meets Tom Agony Filbert. He invites her to a cabaret. Here her fall begins. Now read the following instalment. SHE stood there, exquisite. Her glossy hair looked like burnished copper with lit- tle gold glints. Her skin, ivorj' white on nose, shoulders, neck, upper chest, forehead and on her left ankle where a hole had begun that very evening in spite of the guarantee, was satiny in texture— a skin you'd love to touch He swayed toward her She backed toward the door jamb. He stepped on her toe. . . She clenched her teeth. "You are dragging him down," he anticipated. "I don't care!" she announc- ed. The 5Ian smiled. She is so ingeiious, he thought, so un- tutored 1 She really thought that Avas original. Never had seen Eva Tanguay's act. You sweet, wonderful young flower, he thought. What he said wa.s subtly psychological and. oh, so wistful ! She hesitated — fearfully. Fi- nally she spoke, and her voice was soft, liquid, throaty, aJlur- ing, soprano and tender. "You — man .'" she stammeretl "Oli-h-h " She trembled. The sweet scent from her hair and cheeks and eyes intoxicated him. His aruis clo.sed about her and his hot breath came and went, as it had been doing mon^ or less during his life. Her rose petal lips were lifted, ami ( To he continued) . 17 The College ilnii THE fellow who comes to col- lege to study — And When he gets there finds that his physique and athletic abilities make him inevitable varsity material along more than one line; Or that his facility with the man- dolin is of a magnitude, giving him the entre to this, that and the other thing, all of which demand the pleasurable expenditure of much time; The co-eds that spoon in the spring tra la. Don't always come back in the fall. Or that there is something about him that co-eds like, and flattering suggestions pertaining to everything from walks in the afternoon to for- nals in the evening are offered; Or that he had a hundred dollars left after spending his first two months' allowance and he feels that this is a direct challenge to his in- genuity to find new ways of expendi- ture, so that there shall be no ham- pering surplus; — And who does not forget the original premise and eschews the time-annihilating pleasures which are his by virtue of his superior equipment; Who, in other words, has the price and in spite of this counts the cost — That fellow is a man. 18 i At the Staticn I. Louise, my high school sweetheart, took me to the train Whan I started out four years ago to come to old Champaign. She said, "Remember, Jimmie, you've promised that you'd write And think of all I mean to you from morning until night." And John, my boyhood chum, who went east when J came west, Said, "Jim, of all my pals, old man, you sure have been th'S best." Brother Bob kept telling me that he just knew I'd win In every tennis tournament that I would enter in. And Sally Lowe, who lived next door, brought me a cake she'd made — Her mother'd put the filling in of her owji marmalade. Oh, all the fellow^s said "good bye" — Joe and Al and Phil And Tom and Dave and Sam and Don and Roy and Lew and Will. But mother only looked at me, and I saw her eyes were wet "Be good, my son," she said to me. I answered, "Yes, you bet." And I left them. 11. Ann, a girl I'd met in camp, to the depot came next y-sar And said, "You just be sure and write; I'll answer, never fear." And Jack, a fellow whom I'd met and liked since I got back. Said, "Jim, remember, you will always have a friend in Jack." But Bob had played me tennis and had even won a set; He told me now how I should watch the balls up near the net. And John had spent his summer away off In the east; I hadn't heard from him at all — I had wTitten twice at least. Sweet Louise was married, and so was Sally Lowe, So even they did not come down to see old Jim off now. But mother came. She held my hand and her eyes with tears were wet. "Be good, my boy," she said to me. I answered, "Yes, you bet." And I left them. III. ,\t the train a year ago there came another maid, A blonde this time, and very sweet — too sweet, I'm much afraid. New fellows, too, the ones I'd met while on my summer trip. Bob had a date — "Important!" — and so he gave me the slip. The crowd wished me just heaps of luck. I promised that I'd write. Say, had I kept my promise I'd be writing day and night . But mother stood quite close to me; her eyes were dewy wet. "Be good, my son," she said to me. I answered, "Yes, you bet.'' And I left them. rv. And yesterday down at the train there was another set Of girls I'd taken out this year and fellows that I'd met. They made a lot of noise and laughed and seemed so very gay — Told me to be sure and write them when I had gone away. But dear old mother looked at me, and her sweet eyes were wet. "Be good, my son," she said to me." I answered, "Yes, you bet." And I left them. SERIAL 21 T M J&. •• loll So »V\ fVN o, T- OT FLCil jl ^ ' ^ W'^'^'-Q Ij"o - Tki ^ IS T'O'tj a cUq.i^ q oi^<^ -ITvary body 9\'J>«t Ha-a-rci oboo"t. l*^?. 'tiv^e's (>^ i e- A ■fc " i»^ f C i. - Ba,fet; n. r* ^ o » 'v^ >v» y ftoQiTci^ *A 9 <^i V. b i ;[ 'V/QSte<3 E. ~3Y- -_U,^ ^d^q is'tro't.ovi. SlcJg ^^^ — _A-St.it-T' rcm's^^ro-fc iov\ L vJos"t looKTirtc? tKa. >vc-vv OAC9 o^a.r. "BACK TO THE DE i fli Our coo »C I'b vvoyv d «. r-^.»j\ * boTe-RNlTl£S EiecTfts 'FRciH' v/)«i.Ty derogatory. Of Ibsen it only serve winner will really receive the amount promised. First Prize .«80l!..">0 Second Pi-ize 4l'i;.7-_> Third Prize S:5 Fourth Prize !).01 Total .flOOO.OO Conditions The answer must be no moro than 10 (ten) words and not less than 35 (thirty-five) words. .\11 answers submitted to Struggle Editor of Siren Champaign, Illinois by October 1 will be ignored. Th contest closes October 1. The first $1000 found floating down the Boneyard on a brick will be used as prize money. A STUDENT PLAY T SN'T there enough of the necessary atmosphere pres- -*■ ent in this university to arouse interest in a play written and presented by students? Not an opera. A play. Isn't there any body or organization who would find it worth while in more ways than the financial one to offei* a money prize to a student who writes a play se- lected by it for presentation by students? The Mask and Bauble Club appears as a good possi- bility. For the sake of eliminating the simplest argument of opposition, we will admit that such a play in all prob- ability would not be as interesting as an opera. But it would have some interest — enough to justify its immedi- ate existence, financially and in many other ways. And then, the outlook for the future after the prece- dent is set is a very promising one. A new element of h'gh values — educational, broadening to the personality, and pleasing the tastes of human nature in general — would be injected in the atmosphere of our college com- munity. Such an element would add one of the things which at present give universities like Harvard a finer atmosphere than that of the University of Illinois. It would be an element attractive to a class of persons v4iose presence at this university would be desirable, and an element enriching to those already here. 27 Little Interviews with Great Men Tuiit, Brown "I'm democi-atie," said Mr. BroAvn to the Siren sob sister. He continued : "I Avant you to feature that fact. I want every one of your five thousand (5,000) subscribers to know it." "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir," said our re- porter. "Is that all, sir?" 'Oh, no," said the f^reat man generously. "I have a few more words to say." "Oh O-o-ohl" the interviewer gasped. Hardened, cynical, worldly newspaper and mag- azine writer' that he was, this statement, coming so abruptlv, so suddenly, so unexpectedly, was just a little too much. Taking his pencil from the floor where it had dropped from his nerve- less fingers, the correspondent looked up eager- ly. "I want you to say that I Avould appreciate it if every student here would greet me just as if we had been properly introduced. Of course, I can't know all of tlie fellows. But they all tnow me when they see me, and I want them to know that I don't feel one bit superior to them." "I'm no better than any other fellow on this campus. I mean this — every word of it. I Avas never more serious in my life. "I like the fellows. I like to meet tliem, to talk with them, to be with them when they are congregated in groups. I enjoy their youth, their lack of sophistication, their occasional vul- 4]rQ T*l mOS "I don't want them to feel anything but at home when I'm around. Make this plain. I want the boys — any and all of them — to slap me on the back when they meet me, to invite me to their fraternity houses for lunch, to take me into an ice creani parlor and buy me drinks Just as if I were one of them." And then, in a great burst of munificence, Mr. Brown said: '-'In fact, you may include the faculty. I do not believe that I a"m in any way more gifted than any faculty man here, including President James. I want them all — " , But the reporter had faintetl. A PROBLEM There was a king lived long ago Who owned some diamond mines. He also had nine hundred wives, And a flock of concubines. Now I have studied mathematics And know that marriage make two one, But I never could just figure out. How many was King Solomon. HICKE are Polly and a lady and a pedestal, you see. The lady's fascinating, 'cause she's garbed so foolishly ; The pedestal is slender and is fashioned charm- ingly ; Wliile Polly says mo.st any word she's taught, with zest and glee. Now, if somebody let you have your choice among the three — I knoAv, of course, Avliich one you'd take if you were just like me — l>ut of the trio, which would you yourself prefer to be? A Highbrow A HIGHBROW is a mind gone wrong — an in- tellectual prostitute. Knowledge piled into a steamer trunk and (lumped into the bottom of the sea is better dis- posed of than knowledge stow^ed in the head of a highbrow. The highbrow is an information bureau su- perintended by a feeble-minded clerk. It — a highbrow has no sex— is a waste basket where a seminar has been thrown, pell-mell. It is a library without a catalog. 28 "^^CMh^ WHOM SHALL I VOTE FOR? [Don't but an ei/claxh in the iiii/iortaiit iiiat- ter of votiufi for President of the I iiitetl Stittes until i/ou have consulted this page of advice to voters. ) BY OUR OWN EXPERT Dear Sir: Enclosed is seveiitv-fve cents for a subscription to the ^iren. Wonld "Red" Everhain make a good president? Anxious. Answer : Thanks for tlie subscription. It is money well spent. Dear Expert : My mother told nu' never to vot* for a man with whiskers. I>nt I am a thor- oun:h-s:oing Republican. Wliat will Hujihes do? Antoinette. Answer: I>efore beciniini;' worric' nbont politics, you oup;ht to learn spellino;. "What will Hiitihes do" is wrong. I .should be "what will vouse do." Siren Expert: an suffrage? Answer : I dearie. ^^'hat do yon tliink of wmii- Mademoiselle X. agree with you absolutely, Revered Sir : What is the democratic plat- form? Can you recommend a good facial mas- sage? Mj- eldest girl has the colic ; Avhat shall I do? Is arsenic in soup beneficial for rheuma- tsm? How long is a string? I love a neckt c salesman; shall I niu away with him — my hus- band beats me eveiy Saturday night. Curious. Answer: 1. A load of planks that a crazy carpenter hammered together. 2. Sure. 3. Re- fer the case to your husband. 4. No, try pleu- risy. 5. You and Professor Bole ought to get together some evening and have a lovely little congenial chat. 6. G<. out Saturdav nights. Dear Expert : What Ls this Mexican situa- tion that everybody is talking about? Indignant. Answer: I am veiw sorry, indeed, but it is impossible for me to disclose state secrets. "QUICK, WA.TSON, THE TAPE!" "Trousers is trousers," said the half-back as he plunged into the line and lost four yards. NATURE A LA SCIENCE In days gone by we used to sigh And gasp and tremble — yes, and cry. When blinded by a painted sky And the joy of nature, shy In the brilliant glare Of the sunset flare Which tints her bosom with shifting dye. But now we're awfully wise and so These scenes can't stagger us, oh, no. We know that dew is H20. That light so far per hour can go. If we but look In our science book. We'll find statistics for things that grow. That valley with gold-dappled hue Is not a mystery for you. To glory with each glint anew Would show your learning's gone askew. So don't get the notion. The law of erosion Has made that valley a cute 'Ml view. Should you desire the country air. To breathe the odors riot there. And shout without a damn or care, Temptation fight. Beware, beware. They won't be quelled — They will be smelled — So classify them to a hair. So if today you like to see The glory of eternity In nature's looks, tee-hee, tee-hee. You're ignorant as you can be! You don't belong! Your dome^s all wrong! Back to the farm for yours, b' gee! Sir: I am so unhappy. My fiasco is down on the border and we was to of been married, oh, so soon. Can vou tell me a wav out of mv trou- bles?" ■ ■ Wistful. Answer : Try the Southern Pacific. "CAROM YOURSELF" "Kiss me," whispered the cue ball as it chased the fourteen around the table S9 Exclvisive Park Visitors Marguerite Clark, Pauline Frederick, Theodore Roberts, Mane Doro, Mary PicHord, BlancKe Sweet, Dustm Farnum, John Barrymore, Geraldme Farrar, Edna Goodrich, And many other top-notchers. Always the Best. Theatre Beautiful PA THl ATRI He of CI ass Sorority Rushing Rules 1916-1917 1. Kusliing may continue until 3:56 1-2 P. M. of the second Monday on which a rushee is treated to a double chocolate Boston by a Theta. 2. No all night dates shall be had until daylight. 3. Lobster salad must be sensed as the sec end course at dinners; never as the third, unless the lobster shall have been previously consulted and his written permission obtained. This per- mit should be presented for approval to the Pan Hellenic Council in special session at least two hours before serving. 4. No men may be rushed by a sorority. 5. Invitations shall be issued as follows : A sorority member shall take the printed invita- tion between^ her thumb and forefinger. She shall stand on the steps of her house and, with a vacant stare in her eyes, shall revolve slowly to the left until she begins to feel fcK)lish. Then a messenger, who must have a mustache and speak in virile tones, but Avho should not chew tobacco, shall take the invitation and deliver it. 6. These and no other topics shall be dis- cussed with a rushee: Weatlier; Fraternity Standings; Music (Classical); Clothes (Wom- en's and Misses') ; Courses. 7. No rushee shall occupy a room with an oak dresser. 8. No rushee shall be spoken to on the campus; all communication must be by wi'itten note. 9. Before initiation, every ruslio? must be examined by an alienist in the office of the Dean of Women to determine if the rushing season lias had the desired effect. Hello, Boys! Drop In Everyuiing in me line CLOTHES N^ R. E. Zombro N'ig — "If time were money, I'd take you for a ride in my Peugeot." Gardly — "If nioiioy were time, I'd be too busy to go." The Reliable Hotel for Meals and Banquets C. B. HATCH, PRESIDENT 30 M Some Coming Xumhers of THE SIREN OCTOBER 9— SHOCKING NUMBER LATER— LADIES' HOME JOURNAL NUMBER ADVERTISING NUMBER SUNDAY NUMBER, HOME TOWN NUMBER JOHN STREET NUMBER His Study. Grubbs — Are you going in for golf th:s summer? Stubbs — No, indeed; I have got \,c ycnd that point. This summer I am making a comparative study of Ro- man, Greeli and Egyptian profanity." — Richmond Times-Dispatch. Clerk — il'd like to get off a week, sir, to attend the wedding of a friend. Employer — A very dear friend, I should say, to make you want that much time. Clerk — Well, sir, after the ceremony she will be my wife. — Boston Tran- script. Every Issue Replete With tihalloto Thought, Prejudice, Impudence and Sentiment "Pa, what is affectation?" "Affectation, my boy, is carrying three extra tires on an automobile that never gets more than four blocks away from a garage." — Detroit Free Press. What Was It THen? "I don't see why you call your place a bungalow," said Smith to his neigh- bor. "Well, if it isn't a bungalow, what is it?" said the neighbor. "The job was a bungle and I still owe for it." — Ladies' Home Journal. Marcel — Do pou know, Claude, cho- rus girls have a hard time? Claude — Yes, they do have to bare a great deal. — Cincinnati Enquirer. ^^•cAum ^^Xd^^^if- &C^^y» Sl/terv /P/6-/P 31 -^^ live a Yellf or Ostrand*s Good Eats TKey always wm because tney are nome-maae 3rd Street Delicatessen :-: :-: near Green Cafeteria Service Announcement B. L. T. of the Chicago Tribune has promised to per- mit the Siren staff to write his Line o' Type column some tjiiic during the coming year. Blitz — "What did you save this summer?" Blatz — "Oh, I got enough blue ribbons to make a pil- low top." "Did you tell the mmister that I did not wish him to kiss me att-er the ceremony?" "Yes, my lov'?." "And what 'lid he say?" •Hi5 said tliai. in that (afc, he would charge only ialt the usual fee." Melinda was very sad, and it was not long before her aged but still hale mammy noticed it. ' Whassa matter yo', chile?" she inquired. But ber tuxora eighteen year old daughter was silent. Suddenly Melinda broke down and sobbed. "Must be dat doggone Rastus yo' am engaged to. Now come and tell yo' mammy about it." And Melinda did. "Fse done broke ma engagement," she wept. "I'se stooc? enough fum dat Rastus. When he called ma ole mr.r a good-fer-nothin' nigger, I said nothin", hut jes' kept or levin' him. When he says you wuz a fat ole bunch o' u<-.elcss washerwoman, I didn't argufy but jes' kept on lovin' him. But when he done used ma shoe polish fo' cold cream, dat nigger went too far. dassal!" "ColoneV Invites and welcomes you to the Highest Standard Confection- ery- Chocolate Boston "Nuff Sed" (Continued From Page 12) That I'd s »- D that saaic stare And those duds, and those nr-i- ■"owed eyes, too. But I didn't know when And I didn't know where But that I'd seen him, I knew. So I racked and 1 racked a'l the brain I had left And then I went over to face him' And then he saw me and then I saw him, And it took but a second to place him. his son of the world, with his won- derful lie Was certainly one good narrator; And there's only one species who'd try to net by With that stuff— that's the South Haven waiter. If YOU buy it of T. H. Craig you know it is right FOUNTAIN PENS—' with your name engraved thereon is what you can set at our store. We maintain a pen service station. Privilege to exchange any pen point we sell after trying it for a while. Make the Craig Jewelry Store your headquarters when down town, use our phones and meet your friends here. T. H. CRAIG, Jeweler and Optometrist Established 1896 .". Main St., Champaign, 111. 32 VISIT Gaston's Hair Cutting Parlor FIVE BARBERS ~ ALL WORKMEN Y. M. C. A. Building— Corner Wright & John Street The Old Adage "A Stitch in Time" is very true and we are prepared to take that stitch. Now is the time to look over your wardrobe and see what your clothing needs to be in good shope for winter use. We can make they good as new. We are also e.\clusivp agents for J. W. Losse Progressive Tailoring Co., of St. Louis We show the broadest variety of woolens in designs that radiate action and spirit. Brilliant tints and shades made to your or- der exactly as you want them made. We will serve you in a way that will meet your commendation. Pitzenbarger & Flvnn. 612 E. Greea St CLEANING PRESSING REPAIRING Saf etv First Use Pasteurized Milk Champaign Sanitary Milk Company Experts in Sanitary Dairying Auto Phone 1533 Bell Phone 1204 The Siren is published monthly by the students of the University of Illinois during th^? college year. Entered ;iS second class matter at the postoffice at Crbana, 111., Feb. I, 1916, und-er Act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Printed by Ifrbafa Courier Co., Urbana, 111. ,- ubscription, 75 cents ;i year iu advance. Out of town subscriptions, one dollar. Sin- gle copies, 15 cents. Send contributions to Samps'^n R 'phae Ison, 311 E. Green St., Champaign. Business comijunications Catering to those who appreciate The Best In Photography Bell Phone 35— .\uto Phone 2258 208 N. NEIL ST. CHAMPAIGN. ILL * "J The Chicago Market Company The Quality Market of the Twin Cities Special Rates to— Fraternities, Sororities Clubs and Restrurants 49 Main Street, Champaign, Illinois Bell Phone 232 Auto Phone 1611 BOWLING The Arcade Bow- ling Alleys have been leveled and trued up this summer and are now in as fine condition as any in the the state. Under New Management ED W. COLLORD Proprietor BUY Three Doors North "JKe Boobg Hatch" on Neil T, The Kisses She's Saving for Me HERE'S a little girl down in my little home town- left her just two days ago — And already I yearn to pack up and return, And she's yearning to meet me I know. 'Cause back in our childhood we played in the wildwood, And I loved her then and before — If there's aught to be known or aught to be shown, This girl knows it all, and some more. The tales that I'd tell to a gay college belle Would be to this girl only jokes, 'Cause she's long been wise to th' approximate size Of my bankroll, and that of my folks. She may be above me, but she surely must love ma In spite of the facts, — as you see. So here goes a stein to that old girl of mine. And the kisses she's saving for me. SPECIAL ATTENTION °Vr FRAT ORDERS BOTH PHONES Gehrke's Illinois Bakery CHAMPAIGN 38 -^ Jlliuitis 5"tuiirnt ^^^i^g rtt the J^i^"^^ ^^ ^tglt Class Jftninx^: li^itiuvts nitii ^jxjiit NO TIME LIMIT ON TICKETS FOUR SUITS PRESSED $1.00 r ILLINOIS CLEANINe S«o PRESSme GOODYEAR SHOE REPAIRIN6 SYSTEM 510 East Green St. Champaign, III. AUTO SERVICE Aunt — "You'll be late tor the party, won't you, dear?" Niece — "Oh, no, auntie. In our set nobody goes to a party until every- body else is there." — Boston Tran- script. Safety Mrst. First Boy — "What is this big-broth- er movement?" Second Boy — "Well, as I understand it, never lick any boy who has a big brother." The Wise Fool. "Wise men write proverbs and fools quote them," observed the Sage. "That's right',' agreed the Fool. "Who wrote that one?" — Cincinnati Enquirer. Students' Hardware John H. Dovle 3HE Lots of Locks 28 Main St., Champaij^n 39 Only Soft Water Laundry in the Twin Cities No Worry, No Trouble If You Have O'Byrne Transfer & Storage Company For Your Baggage — We Want Your Business MISTRESS MARY Mistress Mary, quite contrarj-, J'll while the hours among your flowers. How does your garden grow? 'Till all the days seem rosy, With silver bels, and cockle shells And who will dare, while I am there, And pretty maids all in a row? To try to steal a posy? Ah. Mistress May, I wish to say No one shall pick the poorest stick Your garden needs some care; That's in your garden grown. Fray let me hoe your pretty row Your row shall be quite safe -with me — And keep your blossoms fair. I'll keep it for my own. Foot Charm— The A ship without a rudder is no more helpless than a woman without novelty, grace and charm in her footwear, for in this very important matter of stylish Soft Water (ires.'iing she may be drifting steadily In the wrong direction. The smart appearance of our Fall models in high Laundry lace shoes in two tone effects give the desired styl- ish, and popular individuality at once — but not at the A. A. Nyberg expense of a woman's foot comfort or her economic satisfaction, at $5 and $6.50 a pair. Currg (Si Taplor Shoe (g. 138 W. Main Street Urbana, Illinois Bell Phone 880 125 N. Race St. Auto 4506 Urbana 40 E =P y ■*.•:. The Smoke of the U. S. A. That snappy, spirited taste of "Bull" Durham in a cigarette gives you the quick-stepping, head-up-and-chest-out feeling of the live, virile Man in Khaki, //e smokes "Bull" Durham for the sparkle that's in it and the crisp, youthful vigor he gets out of it. •«i oenuine: Bull Durham SMOKING TOBACCO **Roll your own'* with "Bull" Durham and you have a dis- tinctive, satisfying smoke that can't be equalled by any other tobacco in the world. In its perfect mildness, its smooth, rich mel- low-sweetness and its aromatic fragrance, "Bull' ' Durham is uniq ue. For the last word in wholesome, healthful smoking enjoyment 'roll your own" with "Bull" Durham. THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY Ask ror FREE package of "papers^* with each Sc sack. llll'lillll i iiUllllllllllllllll ■Illilillllll I mill Ill; Kandys U. of I. Barber Shop 614 East Green Street We Still Specialize On Repair and Remodeling Work Wozencraft ^ Finder Practical Plumbers Catering to Particular People 57 E. University Place I RESTAURANT LUNCH ROOM Short Orders All Time Student Crumb Shelf L. D BUCK, Prop. 506 1-2 E. Green Champaign, Ilhnois DID YOU? Did you ever sit on a starlight night — And spoon — with the trees all round? And tell of your love — to the musical chirp Of the Katydids down on tht ground? Have you ever danced with an orchestra swe 1 Or been tripped by the door to the hall, And suddenly squeezed — the lemon th' y se; vcd With the iced tea after the ball? Did you ever ride — in a panama hat? Or swim on a bright afternoon? Or walk along by the side of a house? Or get lost in the dark of the moon? Did you ever taste a pear of shoes Or complexion of peaches and cream? Did you ever hear a dog wood bark, Or see moss on an old sun beam? Did you ever drink with a ginger bread girl Set up within reach — of your eye? Or eat a bite a mosquito made? You haven't? Well, neither have I! STILL ON THE JOB WITH EVERYTHING IN AUTO AND HORSE DRAWN LIVERY The Chester Transfer Co. LYRIC Theatre CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS WILLIAM FOX FEATUKE PLAYS EVERY WEDNESDAY A VITAGRAPH FEATURE DE LUXE EVERY THURSDAY' AND FRIDAY COMING WED., SEPT. 20 WILLIAM FARNUM •THE MAN FROM r.ITTER ROOTS" COMING THUR. AND FRI. SEPT. 21 AND 22 Anita Stewart The Most Poj.ular "Qiieeu of the Screen'" — in — "THE DARING OF DIANA" Why Not Be Fair To Your Stomach & Yourself Use coffee with all its poi- son removed bj- our new re- finers. .\ trial will convince. Ask your neighbor. We also hand'e teas, e^s- tracts. spices, rice and bak- ing powder. Can save you money. Call and see us or phone. Bell 872 or Auto 2153. Champaign Tea & Coffee Co. Cor. Market and Taylor St. CHAMPAIGN. ILL, Heels that help Do your heels help you walk? When you raise your foot to take a step, don't do all the lifting your- self That wastes energy. Make your heels help. Leather heels can't help. They have no spring, no life, no help in them. O'Sullivan's Heels of New Live Rubber are full of spring, full of life, full of help! They help by giving spring to your walk. They help by taking the strain off your spine. Let O'Sullivan's Heels help you w^alk. When you buy your new shoes, buy them O'Sullivanized. Up-to-date shoe dealers now sell latest style shoes with O'Sullivan's Heels already attached. Insist on O'Sullivanized shoes: the new live rubber heels give the greatest weai with the greatest resiliency. In black, white or tan; for men, women and children : 50c attached. CoriiiTigl-'. leis, O'S. R. Co. 39 ORPHEUM THEATRE ^^^ Bell Phone Eight-Nine- Five 3 SHOWS DAILY 3 Matinees Daily 3 p. m. 10 20c. Nights at 7:30 and 9:30, 15-30c Mon., Tues,, Wed., September 18, 19, 20 HUGO JANS EN'S "The FASHION SHOP" Introducing For the FIRST TIME in Vaudeville The Latest Creations of Parisian Fashions Upon Living Models Nevins & Erwood "SOME BEAR" Faber & Waters "NUTOLOGY" Pisano & Bingham "At the Barber Pole" POLLARD 'Dextrous Humorist' STUDENT Printing That's the kind we do We make a specialty uf bigli-class work and our equipment and experience enable ns to give prompt, effieieut service. We are better prepared than ever to print Dance Programs, Banquet Menus, Place Cards, Stationery etc. Our shop ba.s special equipment to give prompt service on KNGRAVED VISITING CARDS INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS FOE ALL OCCASIONS EMBOSSED CLASS, FRATERNITY AND SORORITY STATIONERY, Etc. Wc devote special attention to Printing in Gold on Programs and Menu Covers Henderson Print Shop On Wright St. Bell Phone 345 STUDENT REPRESENTATIVES H. B. Fites ^V. H. BonDurant 44 Mr. Freshman: Your place to buy vour candies, sundaes, lunches, etc., should be Prominently located on busy Green strci't, tlii.s store offers you the best of everything at reasonable prices. Come in and get acquainted. D. E. HARRIS Originator and Sole Maker of the Famous "LA NOY" CHOCOLATES 608 E. Green Street A FRESHMAN'S "WEAK-END.' Champaign Ice Cream Company Sanitary Ice Cream, Sherbets and Ices 115-117 East University Avenue Bell 175 Auto 2107 FROM HALSTED TO ASHLAND ON TWELFTH It was pitch dark in the hallway, and the stairs s^Nerved crazily, but she clumped down with the reck- lessness of apathy. On the second landing a gas jet flick- ered against the dank wall. She squinted her eyes with inclinctive detiance of even this miserable radiance. In the doorway, as the muffled street noises became suddenly the palpable bedlam ot Halsted street sound and smell and glare, she hesitated for a moment and then urseeingly pushed out. She would have walked straight across the street until blocked by a car or a house or something. But a bulky body, stinking of beer, sloughed into her and keeled her around. She found herself going north. Someone was grating at her. "Can't you look where you're going? These street cars ain't being run for you —see?" A crowd was about her. Somebody was holding her arm. For no particular reason, she noticed one face, a boy-man's face — weak, with murderous shadows for eyes and an immobile slit ot a mouth — a cruel and pitiful face above a pair of slight shoulders and below a rakishly- set cap. She liked the face. She was pushed to the side- walk on Twelfth street. From the doorway of a saloon came the groaning of a piano. It was melody to her; the syncopation was rhythm. A hundred thousand miles above the full har- vest moon of August shone. She began to look about. A brat, clad only in an undershirt, precipitated itself at her knees. She sagged toward the curb, dizzy. She did not Tall, but went on, until on the corner of Sangamon street where there is a church, and more to the purpose, it Is dark and not so crowded, she stopped. She looked up to the moon with a feeling she could not understand. Her heart beat a little faster; there were suggestions of the possibility of ecstasy in her breast. She hummed a tune garnered from the saloon piano. Her ho?rse, dispirited voice broke harshly into the distant gropings of her heart for happiness. "Hell!" she mut- tered dully. And passed on. ' This is the largest of the Klaxons. It is the one you see on all high-priced cars. The " right' angle" construction distinguishes it from all other signals. No other signal looks like it. No other sig' nal sounds like it. Its loud, clear'cut, far-carrying note can come from it alone. KLAXON $20 There are smaller Klaxons. The U. H. Klaxon at $12; the U. H. Klaxet at $6; and for cars that do not have electricity there is the Hand Klaxon at $7.50, and the Hand Klaxonet at $4. A Klaxon on your automobile means permanent satisfaction. It will last. You can use it on this car and the next and the next. Klaxons are made only by the Lovell'McConnell Mfg. Co., Newark, N. j Like all standard articles they are widely imitated. To be sure — find the Klaxun name-plate. 700,000 are m use Harry Herrick THE SIREN VOL. 6. NO. 2. SHOCKING NUMBER To Hell Is strong language, of course. But profanity is the only legitimate method we know of to be shocking on a cover. There is, to be sure, the half-clad female, and similar devices. But they have been done to death. We desire this number to be a favorite With All Students, alumni, friends who have subscribed, and sorority chaperones. Open this book and read its contents. You will be shocked, but pleasantly. You will be harmoniously agitated. Nothing will grate on your finer sensibilities. It is for this reason that this shocking number is recommended as a tonic for all— ves even ministers and Professors ! OCTOBER, 1916 15 CENTS V ./ I'm a member of no order With a mystic sign an' grip, But a thirty-third degreer In the world-wide fellowship, That flourishes wharever Thar be two good men an' true. That smoke a pipe together Just the same as me an' you. When you meet a real pipe lover, You're mo' than like to find A man who thinks befo' he speaks, A cheerful man an' kind. Hearty fellows, good companions, They belong — nine out of ten — To the "Independent Order Of Real Pipe Lovin' Men." The Thirty Third Decree Pipe Lover — is the man who can say: "I have found the tobacco that is tobacco as it ought to be." To every member of the "Indepen- dent Order of Real Pipe Lovin" Men," we say: "You know Kentucky Burley Leaf. Is there a milder, better pipe tobacco in the world? "You know how ageing smooths and mellows tobacco. Velvet is the richest of Kentucky's crop — naturally matured by two full years of ageing in wooden hogsheads. Louden & Flaningam, Printers and Binders Thus spake Pharaoh (alias Unc. Si Lowe) I know the coat don't make the man. Nor yet the tie nor cuflf ; But I'm afraid that all these things aid To carry out the hluff. The Sirens will all fall for you, and the Profs, can't help themselves, if your shirts and unmentionables come from JOS. KUHN £? CO., 118 33-35-37 Main Street CHAMPAIGN WHERE MOST MEN TRADE Efficiency "Chief," said the employee, "I really think that I deserve a raise." "I don't think so,'' replied the employer. "You don't work enough." "How do you account for that, chief? I work my head off." "Sit down," said the employer, "and let me explain the situation to you. Here are the facts of the case. There are three hundred and si.xty-five days in a year. You sleep eight hours a day — that's one-third the days in the year, or one hundred and twenty-two days. That leaves two hundred and forty-three days. You only work eight hours, so that leaves eight hours for recreation, which totals one hundred and twenty-two days a year. That leaves one hundred and twenty-two days. But Sundays are holidays, so we must subtract fifty-two more days, which leaves as a remainder sixty-nine days. Saturdays, however, are half holidays, and we must subtract twenty-six days from sixty-nine, which leaves forty-three days. But you take an hour and a half for lunch each day. Three hundred and si.xty-five time an hour and a half is twenty-eight days, and subtracting twenty-eight from forty-three there re- mains fifteen days. You take a two weeks' vacation in the summer, however, and consequently we must subtract four- teen days from fifteen, which leaves one day. That day is the Fourth of July, and you don't work on it. So you see, my boy, you don't work at all. Now upon what grounds can you justly ask for a raise?" The employee scratched his head a minute, and then replied, "Why, upon the grounds of efficiency — accomplish- ing so much work in so short a time." "You win," said the employer. We Make a Specialty of Student'^s Printing Menus Programs Engraved and Embossed Announcements, HENDERSON^S PRi'nT SHOP WllPQtpniUfl ^^^ ^^"^ Jewelry-— diamonds and gifts of lasting quality— -come in and YV UCjlcllldll peruse our stock— by far the largest and best selected array in the Twin Cities. "The Tiffany of Champaign " Wuesteman. CLASSIFIED LIST OF ADVERTISERS BARBERS— Kandy's University Shop Gaston's Barber Shop Brown's Arcade Barber Shop Hoover's Hair Cutting Parlor BOOK stores- Co-op confectioners— D. E. Harris Frank Mead 33 27 31 36 34 31 CLOTHIERS— Arrow Collars Zombro Pitzenbarger & Flynn Jos. Kuhn JEWELERS— Ray L. Bowman A. E. Wuesteman J. C. Bowman PHOTOGRAPHERS— Howard Strauch Renne Duncan Photo Art Shop Maguire RESTAURANTS— Rocksie L. D. Buck THEATERS— Colonial Lyric Bel voir Park Back Cover 33 27 1 29 2 24 36 26 26 4 28 29 35 28 4 29 30 31 SHOES— W. W. Paul Swearingen's Curry & Taylor POLITICAL— W. B. McKinley Inside Back Cov L. A. Busch ', Republican Voters ; MISCELLANEOUS— First University Bank Henderson Print Shop Samuel Abrams 0. K. Hat Shop Bert Spalding Bradley Sweaters ! Velvet Tobacco Inside Front Cov Champaign Ice Cream Company I Philbrick's Gift Shop I Champaign Sanitary Milk I Roberts & Grant — Meats Wozencraft & Finder : Champaign Steam Laundry ; Custer's Pop Corn 1 Gehrke's Bakery i Beardsley Hotel 1 1. H. Doyle D. Newman G. R. Grubb : O'Sullivan Heels Chester Transfer Company Howard Ross — Meats DOLLARS W01IK FOR By Depositing with the First University Bank 3 per cent on Safety Deposits. 1 and one-half per cent on checking accounts. CERTIFIED CHECKS. Insurance Real Estate 1 THE O. K. HAT SHOP Corner Main and Walnut We will clean your nUl hat and rehlock it in the latest stvle. W'K ALSO SELL SAMPLE HATS // $3-50 Hats for $1.75 ' / S3.00 Hats for $1.50 GOODS CALLED FOR AND DELR'ERED Bell Phone 27,^7 Which? There's the girl who believes — "Though you're wretched and vile- And she never conceives Of deceit or of guile; There's the girl who is true When >he thinks you're sincere. And she'll wonder at you \Mien you call her your dear. There's the girl who is wise And she knows every w^ile Of her magical eyes And her coquettish smile; And now you must choose From the three — have a care; And you daren't refuse For your oicn girl is there! OH THE PW TMC i \ OH JHt Fine Candy MAILLARD'S Sous Reval Chocolates VALBLATZ, Jr., Candies Nobility Chocolates The CO-OP. On the Square fr PH TMC II MS If r ON TMg, if P [ToM~TNC ,0M THE fii ON THE OH THE ~1H QN THE -^l^ CONFESSIONS OF A SENIOR (A Lesson to Freshmen and Others) Yes, I love her. For three years she has been faithful At times when I was es{)ecially behind she urged me to thru thick and thin. She was never jealous when I neg- make up my work at home during vacations — and she lected her for evenings at a time. No, not she. She was z^'oit -with iiic to help. The folks were always glad to the more ready to help me make up my work, to straighten see her for they knew how indispensible she was to nie. out my chaotic lecture notes to make my themes "look like something." ^'es I know I shall always love her. Xo one shall ever Many a time did her dainty, delicate lingers rewrite my come between me and my darling typewriter — my precious scrawly, doubtful reports and bring me a passing grade Corona folding typewriter. which would otherwise have been a flunk. Confidec i to S AM'L I ^BR AMS The Type\ vriter Man 6 1 2 East Green Street CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS. -'sr This Space Reserved for The Colonial Theatre Showing High Class Photo Plays The Place to Have Your Prescriptions Filled Three Registered Pharmacists DRUGS, SUNDRIES, TOILET ARTICLES, CIGARS and CIGARETTES The Green Street Pharmacy B. E. SPALDING Green and Sixth Streets WARNING PHOTOGRAPHIC BUGS HAVE STUNG MANY STUDENTS SAFETY FIRST LET ME BE YOUR ILLIO AND CHRISTMAS PHOTOGRAPHER H. F. DUNCAN 614 East Green Street The Voice Of The People I. One night when 'twas dark, a man and a maid Skipped the town without leaving a ckie, Broke into a bank and proceeded to raid The safe of its funds and then flew. 'Twas shocking. And when the next morning, the story came out And folks far and wide fell to talking, Then most of the people who gave it a thought Agreed that it surely was shocking. "Oh shocking !" Said old Mrs. Grundy, "A horrible fall ! "I just feel like hiding my face "From all pure young folk. They weren't married at all "It's simply a brazen disgrace ! "Simply shocking !" Said the "man about town" who apes Oscar Wilde : "If they only would strike a new chord "In the crimes of the day. I simply get riled. "It's so shockingly dull. I'm just bored. "It's shocking." When Jack London spoke, he spoke not of right. "This deed's neither strong nor primeval. "Just like a damn sneak under cover of night ! "Hell 1 Can't they be brave in their evil ? "Tis shocking." 6. Said the sorority girl from our own U. of I. To a sister, "Celeste, it's no joke. "Those two had fraternity standing most high. "Yet acted like regular folk. "Why, it's shocking." Said the crook who in prison spent days splitting rocks And in crime was a keen connoiseur, "See the amateur way they've cracked open the locks — "The workmanship is damnably poor ! "Even shocking." 8. Said a golden haired tot who seemed stricken with grief, "Ooo, mamma ! how naughty they's been ! "Took other folk's tings — that's being a fief, "An' stealin's a turrible sin ! "I sink it's socking!" " rssr £i^ofIC(iwis Editor-in-Chief 1 Sampson M. Raphaelson* 1 Business Manager Art Editor M, B. Ware Editorial StafiF James H. Ticknor George Buchanan C. E. Keck C. W. Campbell E. Malapert Don V. Chapman H. T. Meek V. N. Clark Gladys Philbrick Philip Corper Rayna Simons A. A. Dailey R. H. Thompson T. R. Gibson Harold Turner Carleton Healv Business Staff A. S. Van Deusen E. R. Brigham R. A. Bryant F. C. Kalthoff A Confession THIS issue, as an attempt at a truly shocking number, is a failure. It is a failure, in the first place, because it is labeled and press- agented as shocking. Few things so handicapped could satisfy. It makes the reader think : "Shock- ing? I'll open you and see if you can shock me'." Such an attitude would take the volts out of the most highly electrified stuff. In the second place, there is noth- ing "raw". Pictures of women in various stages of undress ; signifi- cant allusions to legs in joke and verse ; descriptions suggestive to a coarse sex interest, — all these are absent. And these are things which, without question, do shock some people. They bore most of us, be- cause usually they are poorly done, and they disgust many of us when well done, because a person who can handle "raw" stuff attractively can handle things which are in bet- ter taste with equal attractiveness. In the third ])lace, the obvious ex]>edient has not been resorted to. We haven't turned the trick of con- trast : we haven't put a piously proper body under our red, pro- fane cover. We have simply put out a book containing a few plays at the idea of "shocking," a few imjHident stabs, a few senti- mental dabs and perhaps a laugh or two. We've done our best to ])ut out a Shocking Number that is not "raw". If it were to be done over again it would be difficult for us to conceive where and how to change the mag- azine unless it were to change the title to the Ordinary Number. Smut Stories T^THO at this university tell ' ' smut stories ? Our best students. Our best ath- letes. Some of our best professors and instructors. People from the best homes. And, of course, the inferior individuals in every class represented in the male portion of this community. Why are smut stories told ? Because they are funny. Be- cause they make for an atmosphere of conviviality, as smoking does, as drinking does — they invite relax- ation. Because they give to the tone of the gathering a maleness which is even more rancid than a Service poem or a London story. Because they have the fascination of vice. Why should they not be told? Because they pave the way for toleration of immorality. A fresh- man who has never heard one be- fore and who has some exalted ideals about sex will be converted 'o a la.x attitude through the med- ium of the smut story. Because they serve as an evidence of mascu- linity to fellows who have no other evidence ; and to those who have, they fill in spots which otherwise would stand out as weaknesses and might be strengthened — not falla- ciously patched — by the right kind of moral atmosphere. Because they are coarse, vulgar, and rotten to an unpardonable degree, and they counteract the better influences of college strongly ; they create a cheap cynicism which will handicap hund- reds of students throughout life. Because they are an insult to every woman at the university, to every relative and friend of the listeners and narrators, to every woman in the world — to civilization. Because they are one of the best known de- vices for the wasting of time ; the telling of one leads to a ceaseless stream, as the average student makes a specialty of saving up in his memory all the "good ones" he hears. Because they crowd out the wonderful opportunities for sane, thinking discussion of vital things which otherwise would naturally be induced. How could they be sent on their decline ? B)- public discussion of this sort. If kept up efficiently it will compel the students, and the faculty, to think. Any one who thinks on this subject or who can comprehend another's reasoning on it can- not help but realize the evils of smut stories and their dearth of benefits. With such realization must come a change of attitude. We do not favor "men-only" discuss- ions. Let everybody know. Let the co-eds, the women of the faculty know. Let them look oddly at the men with whom they come in con- tact. It will do the men good and will cause no permanent harm to the women. Is there any excuse for the smut storv ? No. 18 'VO y?Iy let the tenor and bass and the other tn'o — whoever they may be — loose with these words, and the product is bound to be something no sorority porch should be without on a dark, warm night. 1. The Tulip and the Tack. Oh, the tulip on the wall — Oh, the tulip on the wall — And the tack upon the floor! Said the tack unto the tulip — "I'd— like — a— little— more!" Bass "Oh, I'd liko a little more!" Tenor I'd like! I'd like! I'd like! Baritone Said the tack — To the tulip — I'd like- On the wall! All A lit-tle more! Alto For — it's — Ting-a-ling Ting-a-ling Plink-plank- Tenor Yes, it's — Plink-plank Ting-a-ling Ling! 11 BRINGING UP FATHER You Cannot Live On Kisses NOTE: This poem was written on a muddy sheet of paper found on the streets of St. Louis by a student of this university. You cannot live on kisses. The sages wisely say, And lovers who are young and poor Should learn that, right away : For kisses are too light a food To keep the hungry fed — You cannot live on kisses And so you shouldn't wed ! You cannot live on kisses. But, sweetheart, don't you care ! They lend ambrosial flavor to The very humblest fare ; They make a fairy palace of The simplest little cot — You cannot live on kisses But they brighten things a lot. You cannot live on kisses : Well, maybe that is true. But work and love and tenderness Will see us safely through. And we shall get new courage from Each kiss we take and give — You cannot live on kisses, But they make it sweet to live ! Real Letters From a Girl To a Student At Home All alone Fraid Help!!! Dearest: I wanted you so much, that I simply couldn't go to bed without having a chat with my honey. You're one of the necessities of my life, I guess, I positively feel some- times as if I couldn't stand it unless you were here to put your arms around me and love me a little. Tick — ticl<, goes the clock, its so still here it sounds ike a full orchestra. Oh! why aren't you here, then I wouldn't be afraid — oh! of course I'm not, oh, no! Do you know dear, some girls are so tepid in re- gard — well perhaps they pretend they are not — but in re- gard to the man they love. All they think about is the material things such as money, family, society, etc. I don't know why I love you or lets say I am so attracted by you but just by yourself. I think it's the way you look at life, "somepin 'bove the ears, etc." Really, Dick, its strange you and I have had so many men friends and girl friends. Friends everywhere, and yet we are now so crazy over each other right in our own home town. Some day we can look back a long ways together when we were kids. Sometimes I'm just glad to be alive, life is so wonderful and sweet. Now dear, kiss me good night and I'll get me little nightie and say my prayers and go to bed. Bye Bye dearest little mountain lion in all the world. Your own Eve. A FRAT CONSTITUTION The fraternity "bug" has gone even into the gram- mar school. Here is the rough outline which was made by one of the Champaign grammar school boys for a fra- ternity constitution: Colors — Green and Yellow. Dues — jitney. Dues not paid 2 days after meeting fined Ic per day. Swearing in a kid's house — 5c. Yelling in a kid's house — Ic. Interrupting anybody talking — Ic. Laughing without cause — Ic. Shirking work — Ic. Initiation fee — 10c. Anybody talking back to or hitting seargent-of- aims — Ic. Meetings on Thursday. 12 TP W B 5 I U E IH Ukulele Tunes 2. / Like to Drink. i ^ H. ^# ^ El* ^^^ j;]ij J. ± i f S \ilCe Co 4r*ink, bo* I'tn S<»* - is # \\Ke to SmoKe V\Ke To SrrkOKe Do-» torrv - ^»\^ -win ^twT ' but" I eared in ])ublic with one of Zom's two-dollar ties, a Fred Mar- shall six-dollar silk shirt and — let's see, who else advertises in the Siren:' — and a pair of Joe Kuhn's nine-dollar cordovans and one of Jake Kaufman's nifty hats and a liigh-class Nobby Tailored suit on — Do you suppose, if he really did this, that it would be reported to Lri'sident James? .And do you think that Lrexy would tell it to the board of trustees and have the of- fender jailed, or just hre him ? Prof, .'^cott Xearing was brave and a pioneer, but how much more wfya.lj Co-Tv\ plt.'t.d,^ Kis toilet rfjyvcl QO/'C « • d no* s ^ C «i «Ly~oowow»v. "bo^UxwQ .?: 11 Jake JAKE arrived Monday. Marion brought him with her when she came home from Chicago. She says that he was an ideal companion and never bothered her once all the way down. The conductor didn't even collect fare for him. I was surprised to see him, for I hadn't expected him. But he had not changed since I saw him last. He did not enthuse when he saw me, but then it isn't Jake's way to enthuse over anything. In fact, Jake is the most phlegmatic and undemonstrative creature that I know. Nothing excites him. He does not even feel resentment, not even when imposed upon. He never, never complains. He always grins and bears it. Why, his hand has been on the ceiling and his head upon the table for the last two days and he hasn't said a word. And if you don't believe that that is an un- comfortable position, just try it yourself. But Jake just grins and grins and never says a word. I tried to aggravate him still further. I took his hand into the other room. His expression never changed. He didn't even seem to miss it. We have become accustomed to his taciturnity, and impose upon him as we can only upon an uncomplaining person. We put three apples on his head and he has been holding on to them for three days. He guards them religiously. No one would dream of touching those apples. For the girls in the house have taken a violent dislike to Jake, and will not go near him, even for the sake of the apples. Their dislike is unwarranted. He never did any- thing to them. He wouldn't think of harming them. And I who know him better realize that he has some sterling qualities which few of them possess. He is a companion who will wear well. He may not be scintillating or clever, but he is made of good reliable stuff and will never bore me with incessant chatter. He won't prowl around at night keeping other people from sleeping. Jake's most attractive quality is the mystery which hangs about him. He has a past which he will not reveal. It does no good to become confidential with him in the hope that he will in turn confide in you. About his past he utters never a word. He may have been a saloon keeper or a lawyer. Who can tell ? We don't even know how to refer correctly to him. I have been calling him "he" to be sure, but I did so merely for convenience. It would be so awk- ward to write "he or she" and "him or her". However, for all I know, he may be a woman. Of course, I never saw a woman who looks like Jake. Poor Jake! So much of him is lost! Just a bony head and a hand! Not even his mother would know him now. Poor Jake. A Perfect Gift a Picture Perfectly Framed # Strauch's Photo Craft Stores 112 North Neil Street 625 South Wright Street CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS Champaign Ice Cream Company SANITARY ICE CREAM, SHERBERTS and ICES 115-117 East University Avenue Bell 175 Auto 2107 Catering to those who appreciate The Best in Photography Bell Phone 35— Auto Phone 2268 208 N. Neil St. CHAMPAIGN, ILL. 26 J OIN THE ARM Y Of our satisfied customers. We are accepting new recruits daily. We mak a specialty of cleaning, pressing and repairing at reasonable prices. . . . SUITS AND OVERCOATS MADE TO ORDER AT $18 AND UP PITSENBARGER ^ FLYNN, 612 E. Green Street Everybody Should Vote Somewhere -^j^ Students are invited to register October 17th and October M, and vote The Straight RepubHcan Ticket Soph — "I thot Bill took the Kceley cure this summer. What makes him so sad?" Senior — "It cured him." If you go into Harris' with some people, you have to pay five cents more than is customary for sundaes, because, says the menu: "5c extra for nuts." VISIT Gaston's Hair Cutting Parlors Five Barbers Y. M. C, A. Building AH Workmen Corner Wright and John Streets Buy Shoes Three Doors East of "The Booby Hatch' on Neil Street The Philbrick Gift Shop Hamilton Arcade Gifts Out of the Ordinary 27 TST As a Little Remembrance for the new or old Acquaintance of vacation days Your Photograph Make the Appointment to-day The Photo Art Shop ETERNAL PROMISES "Until the Boneyard runs dry." That summer love affair. "Until death do us " I. O. U. The proprietor of a summer hotel put up a helpful sign to keep depart- ing guests from forgetting their be- longings. It read: "Stop! Look! have you left anything?" A disgruntled guest changed it to read: "Stop! Look! have you any- thing left?" — Chicago Daily News. Champaign Sanitary Milk Company PASTEURIZED MILK AND CREAM 415 East University Avenue Telephones: Bell 1204, Auto 1533 CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS One Guy: I'd hate to be in that state. Other Guy: What state? One Guy: State of matrimony. Other Guy: Must be the United States, eh? One Guy: No, Marryland. "What you say may be true," sighed the bowlegged man, "but you can't call me a knocker." STUDENT CRUMB SHELF WE MAKE OUR PIES NEW CIDER ON TAP LUNCH AT ALL HOURS PLATE DINNER AT NOON L . D. BUCK 506 ',2 East Green Street ROBERTS £? GRANT "Wholesale and Retail Meats and Provisions 111 South Neil Street -:- CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS "We Maintain Our Ovs^n Delivery Service Ask for Price Lists 28 LYRIC THEATRE CHAMI'AKiN. ILL. —PRESENTING— Quality Feature Plays —INCLUDING— THE POPULAR "VITAGRAPH SPECIALS" WILLIAM FOX FEATURES SUPREME WORLD PICTURES, BRADY-MADE MUTUAL MASTER PICTURES TW O DAYS COMMENCING THURSDAY. OCT. 19 Anita Stew^art — IN— "The Combat" In Six Acts TWO DAYS COMMENCING THURSDAY, OCT. 26 Through the Wall THE GREATEST DETECT- IVE STORY EVER PRODUCED The Latest Ideas in Jewelry EVERYTHING NEW Repair Department In Charge of an Expert MODERATE CHARGES Ray L.Bowman Jewelry Company Hamilton Building CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS WE BELIEVE The Keystone to Success is FIRST-CLASS WORK AND SATISFACTION. THIS WE GUARANTEE TO PATRONS OF THIS STUDIO. We will gladly bring our display to your home. Call B 1118 McGuire's Studio Opposite Flat Iron Building URBANA, ILLINOIS Fresh — "There was a man here this morning who said he would give anything to see you." Soph— "Who was he?" Frosh — "A blind man." We Still Specialize On Repair and ^ Remodeling Work Wozencraft & Finder Practical Plumbers Catering to Particular People 57 East University Avenue. v5^ THEATRE BELVOIR The Home of First-class Plays . . . and Road Attractions . . . NOVEMBER 8th and 9th (Wednesday and Thursday) WILLIAM ELLIOTT RAY COMSTOCK and MORRIS GUEST Presents "EXPERIENCE'* The Most Wonderful Play in America Home of Klein, Edison, Selig, Essanay, Blue Bird and Metro Pictures Not Up To Her Standard "Have you any references?" in- quired the lady of the house. "Yis mum, lots of thim," answered the prospective maid. "Then why did you not bring some of them with you?" "Well, mum, to tell the troot, they're just loike me photygraphs. None of thim don't do me justice." — Ladies' Home Journal. Proof Positive Coroner — We found nothing in the man's pockets, ma'am, except three buttons, one handkerchief and a re- ceipted bill. The Sobbing Inquirer — A receipted bill! Then 'taint my husband. — Tid- Bits. Too Good "Well, Dinah, I hear you are mar- ried." "Yassum," said the former cook, "I'se done got me a man now." "Is he a good provider?" "Yassum. He's a mighty good pro- vider, but I'se powerful skeered he's gwine ter git kotched at it." — Birm- ingham Age Herald. WE USE SoftWaterExdusively C. W. HAGGERMAN, Prop. The Oldest Established and Largest Dying and Dry Cleaning Plant L. B. SOUDERS, Propr ietor 30 ATTENTION TO ORDERS Military term No. 21 All members of the Arcade Rest Haven will have their tonsorial work done by BROWN'S ARCADE BARBERS • • Bradley Arcade Sanitary -:- Courtec )us -:- Modern FORM Shoe form without Foot Comfort won't get a man far on the way to peace for his body and ease for his mind. Shoes that set the pace in the season's close race for form and fit invite earlv attention here. CORDO CALF BALS, ALL WIDTHS S6.00 MAHOGANY CALF BALS 5.00 VELOUR CALF BALS S4.00 to S.5.00 CURRY & TAYLOR SHOE CO. 133 West Main Street Urbana, Illinois Out of the T'c.-iii Cities' High Rent District CUSTER'S The Best BUTTERED POP CORN and ROASTED PEANUTS In the Twin Cities 21 .MAIN STREET, CHAMPAIGN Perfectly Shocking! (IThe Daylight Confec- tionery serves Ice Cream "undressed"* for ten cents. But, Oh! it's so dleicious. aneia> Exclusive Park Visitors Marguerite Clark, Pauline Fredrick, Theodore Roberts, "Marie Doro, Mary Pickford, Blanche Sweet. Dustin Farnum, John Barrymore, Geraldine Farrar, Edna Goodrich And Many Other Top-Notchers. Always The Best. Theatre Beautiful PARK THEATRE House of Class :il ^?' Louis A. Busch U. of I. '08 'I'o University Voters VOl'E FOR LOUIS A. BUSCH FOR State's Attorney "Boost for an old Illinois man" "What do you think of a man who will constantly deceive his wife?" "I think he's a wonder!" Goldsmith — Would you like any name or motto engraved on it, sir? Customer — (Who had chosen an en- gagement ring): Ye-yes-um, "Au- gustus to Irene." And — ah — look here, don't — ah — cut Irene very deep. — Punch. Foolish Question "Would you love me as much if father lost his wealth?" "He hasn't lost it has he?" "No." "Of course I would, you silly girl!" — Minneapolis Journal. SPECIAL ATTENTION ^'7o'' FRAT ORDERS BOTH PHONES GEHRKE'S ILLINOIS BAKERY Parker House Rolls a Specialty CHAMPAIGN The Beardsley A Reliable Hotel for Meals and Banquets C. B. HATCH, President Zom harpeth on the subject of Overcoats I HAVE some overcoats The "some"* is intended to be superlative, what- ever that means. Any- way,! believe I have speed myself. If I w^ere a wise rah! rah! Fd pick one out now and have it to wear right off. Tm not disinter- ested in this advice — but it's good advice anyway. Come in and ask about Overcoats ROGER ZOMBRO Green Street, of course PLAY BILLIARDS The healthiest and happiest people in the world are those privileged to work a full day. with a moderate amount of exercise. Just the right aniouiu of exercise is to he had in a ffood game of billiards. -^^^ Arcade Billiard Parlor DEWEY NEWMAN, Proprietor. Students' Hard\vare -:- Lots of Locks JOHN H. DOYLE 28 Main Street Champaign, Illinois DEPRESSION— The world is empty. There is no happiness, no genius, no accomplish- ment, no failure. Nothing but addi- tion and multiplication, and desks and instructions. Roads are ruts. Lovers are loafers. There is nothing within the furthest range but a maze of detail. Figures and dates come and go un- erringly, maddeningly, and they ceas- lessly rotate and rotate and rotate. Our Rules: 1. The right kind of work is bound to satisfy. 2. Only the right kind of workmen will prosper. 3. Cheap workmen are expensive for responsible jobs. 4. Cheap work is too expensive for OUR shop. KANDY'S UNIVERSITY SHOP 614 East Green Street. What Will We EatP WHY, THE GOOD EATS SERVED DAILY AT OF COURSE. PRICES REASONABLE WE MAKE THE ORIGINAL "LA NOY" CHOCOLATES e5^e^# &^Xs£wij^C!^m G. R. GRUBB, Manager PHOTO ENGRAVING AND ZINC ETCHING QUICK DELIVERIES A STECIALTY We have just installed the new Air Space Screen which is the very latest in half tone reproduction LET US MAKE YOU THE BEST BELL PHONE 411 114 \^ALNUT STREET AUTO PHONE 2 162 The SIREN Published }iionthly by the students of the lUiiversity of Illinois during the College year. Entered as second class matter at postoffice at I'rbana. 111., under Act of Congress March 3. 1879. Subscription 75 cents per year in advance. Single copies 15 cents. All business communications should be sent to M. B. Ware. Siren Office, 608 East Green Street, Champaign. Contributions either art or literary should be sent to S. M. Raphaelson, 311 E. Green St., Champaign, III., WIIIAM WALLACE PAI 'I"" MAIN & WALNUT ST. CHAMPAIGM ILL. ^j" STILL ON THE JOB With everything in Auto and Horse Drawn Livery The Chester Transfer Company .S4 EAT FOUNTAIN SPECIALTIES AVE SERVE ANY AND ALL KINDS OF BANQUETS ROCKSIE^S 313 East Green. Formerly known as College Hall You're a liar!" drawled the little man. "What!" roared the big man, clenching a huge fist "Do you dare to call me that, you poor, puny, pitiable little puppy?" "I do," came back the defiant reply. "If you speak another word, you great lump of podgy pork. I'll soon cut you short !" "Cut me short, you cheese-mite !" shouted the enraged giant. "Yes, and here goes !" snapped the thin- armed dwarf, sharply: and, quick as light- ning, before the burly one could utter a word, he rang off and hung up the receiver. — Tid- Bits. YouxG L.\DY (III book store) : 1 want some- thing popular. Clerk: Wicked or vapid? —Philadelphia Public Ledger. When Broadway was a Farm When Boston was a cow-path, Chicago a w^ood, and most modem cities meadows — THEN leather heels were good to use. There was nothing to walk on then but springy turf or soft, yielding roads. NOW Broadway is paved ; bricks cover Boston's cow-paths : you walk on hard stone, not sod, in Chicago's streets: the meadows are macadamized. W^eVe outgrown leather heels. They are too hard, too jarring, too dead for modern pavements. More people are finding this out every day. They are wear- ing O' Sullivan's Heels of New Live Rubber. Under their feet the hard pavement of today is turning into the springy turf of olden daj's. Don't wear 1716 heels in 1916. When you buy your new shoes, buy them O'Sullivanized. Up-to-date she dealers now sell latest style shoes with O'Sullivan's Heels already attached. Insist on O'Sullivanized shoes; the new live rubber heels give the greatest wear with the greatest resiliency. In black, white or tan; for men. women and children ; 50c attached. CafYTight. Die. O'S. R. Co. r.,,^ ^ A^ 35 ~ir There IS a Differ- ence Between "Getting Your Mug Shot" and Sitting for Your Picture HOWARD Can Illustrate That Difference. Howard Studios Champaign Two Studios 112-1 14 N Neil St. Opposite Lewis' Store 602 E.John St. University District After De Shocking's Done "When de frost am on de punkin An de fodder's in de shock." Dat am how de poet tells me Huntin season's 'gun ter knock At de door of my ole cabin, Settin back upon de hill, Jes alookin like a midget Stuck way up above de mill. Well, when dat time comes upon me After all de "shockin's" done An de corn's been tuk in wagons An de huskin bee's begun An de cold air 'gins to frizzle So's you see your bref at night, Den my pal and me go huntin In de hazy mornin light. Fust we start out through a hay field, But that ain't much good fer game. Till we strike a rail fence stragglin Zig zag back from where we came; Cross dat lays de massa's corn field Wid its row on row of shocks Look like de Injun teepees. Grim, and silent as de rocks. Once across and in among 'em Den we 'gin to clear our eyes. All at once Brer Rabbit scoots out Headin fer a little rise — All outstandin gainst de sky line, Jumpin like he scared to def, Quick, I up an pulls de trigger kr\ dat one draws his las bref. Two more jumps out jes like dat one, An dey bof gets popped de same — Sure will make a fittin dinner But it do mos seem a shame Dat dey can't play in de mornin But a nigger comes a past Wid a gun what takes no chances an Makes dat playin be their last. "I had a misfortune the other day. My wife and I were reading when some one threw a bomb through the window and it exploded in the room. My wife and I were blown through the window at the same time." "Is it possible?" "Yes; that was the first time the wife and I had been out together in eight years." FRESHMEN HUNT Hoover's Sanitary Barber Shop First National Bank Building The Hair Cutting Parlor Howard Ross Meat Market CHOICE Fresh» Smoked and Salt Meats 106 S. Neil St. Bell 16 Auto 1116 CHAMPAIGN ILL 1 1 WILLIAM B. McKINLEY REPUBLICAN Candidate for Congress t My Friend McKinley I t Your Friend McKinley The Students' Friend '^ Arrow Collars EVEN putting cost aside, nothing has been offered in collars that equals or betters the Arro\v for permanency of fit and tie space, for correctness of style, or for length of service. 15 cents each, 6 for ^o cents Cluett. Peabodv & Co., Inc.. Makers. Trov NY THE SIREN VOL. 6. NO. 3. THE "BACK!" NUMBER # \ in-ittmii . it^m NOVEMBER, 1916 DESERTED! y -^>^ "» <^"^fl» ^l^J^ -I r^i i FIFTEEN CENTS 't.'SS^9;io9Siotfo9S^V^tf^9S^iS^^tf^9f^^t^^^^ i I I host ."W ill you tuck these into your coatY" said our St. "Will a (luck suim?" chuckled Mr. Leamins in reply as he eagerly took the Virginia cigarettes. What has made Richmond Straight Cuts stand alone throughout two generations? Simply because there is a subtle charm and a quaint old-time delicacy in their "bright" Virginia tobacco which is not to be had in any other cigarette. Why not renew your old-time acquaintance? MCIMOND STMAIGIT CUT Cigarette: PLAIN OR CORK TIP Fifteen cents Also in attractive tins, 50 for 40 cents; ICO for 75 cents. Sent prepaid if your dealer cannot supply you. . /?. RICHMOND.ViNOiHiA.UaX Preferred by Gentlemen Now as Then f f % %^<^^:^':^':^-^':^=^':^<:^^ ON TNC ON THE mi ■ ON TWt ON TW£ I ^J«^J| ON T HE ' I ON TMC u 1 rw On tne 1 ON T HE ;,B :.m ' ON TmC^ A l< II -isou, TmL]!; ON THE CO-OP "On The Square" Souvenirs :-: Roycroft Shop Beautiful Pictures, Artistic Framing, Gifts in Gold, Silver, Copper, Brass and Leather Kodaks, Films, Toilet Goods, Maillard's Candies, Nobility Chocolates, Fine Cigars & Tobaccos, Campus Views Post Cards Books of All Kinds Postal and Telegraph Station oiS5\i \m ^ V- \i ON THE m V- S0UA9C 11 pM . SOU. r r \- r\ pii Tw^ , ' n m \m m m m M l/SOUA Ji ii'; I: Welcome And during your visit you are invited to the store of quality where University Emblems in gold and silver are shown in great variety. Seal Pins 50c to $5.00. Spoons with Seal $1.00 to $2.00. WUESTEMAN -:- The Tiffany of Champaign CLASSIFIED BARBERS— Joe's Barber Shop 5 Hoover's Hair Cutting Parlor 8 Kandy's University Shop 33 Gaston's Hair Cutting Parlors 37 BOOK stores- Co-op 1 confectioners— Frank Mead 7 Vriner's 32 D. E. Harris 33 White and Gold 38 CLOTHIERS— Jos. Kuhn & Co 3 Pitzenbarger & Flynn 36 Roger Zombro 40 JEWELERS— Wuesteman 2 T. H. Craig 38 Ray L. Bowman 40 Jos. C. Bowman 28 A. B. Johnson 41 PHOTOGRAPHERS— Maguire's Studio 8 Strauch's 37 Howard Studios 44 The Photo Art Shop 44 RESTAURANTS— Crumb Shelf 5 B. & W. Club 31 Y. M. C. A 34 THEATRES— Colonial 4 Lyric 7 Belvoir 35 Park 37 Orpheum 42 LIST OF ADVERTISERS SHOES— Julian Shoe House 5 Goodyear Shoe Repairing Co 30 W. W. Paul 33 Curry & Taylor 33 MISCELLANEOUS— Lloyde's Music Store 3 Howard Ross — Meats 5 White Line Laundry 6 Marshall's Haberdashery 6 The H. & H. Ten Cent Store 6 "Rocksie" 8 G. R. Grubb & Co 9 G. C. Willis 9 Life Saver Mints 10 E. S. Boerner 29 O'Sullivan Heels 30 Arcade Bowling Alley 30 Champaign Steam Laundry 31 Woodie's Plase 31 Beardsley Hotel 32 Wozencraft & Finder 32 Hite Bros 32 First University Bank 32 Champaign Ice Cream Company 34 Renne, the Photographer 34 Arrow Collars 35 The Chester Transfer Company 35 Nunan Trunk Company 36 Roberts & Grant, Meats 37 Gherke's Illinois Bakery 38 Bradley Sweaters 39 Chicago Meat Market 40 Metzler & Schafer 40 University Pressing Shop 41 Arcade Billiard Parlors 41 Candyland 43 Samuel Abrams 43 Turkish Baths, Massage, Chiropodist, Salt Sham- poo and Sulphur Baths for Ladies and Gentlemen 107 West Hill Street— Woodcock Flats. Bell Phone 2529; Auto Phones 3142—1284 R. TAUTENHAHN, Medico Gymnast SLEEPING APARTMENTS TREATMENTS GIVEN AT HOME We Feel Sorry for Chicago, but — It's important to you to be properly "dolled up" for the big doings. Every man knows that the best place to do this is — JOS. KUHN&CO. 1181 ^-37 Main Street CHAMPAIGN "A/T ^^'^ ^^'" ^^^^ ^^^' "^^ *^^ orchard wall ^^*- Tomorrow night as the sun goes down." And this is tomorrow and here am I, And there is the wall, and Ihe sun's gone down. — Pelican WELL, WELL, WELL! tF you ask a girl for a kiss you are old-fashioned, but A some are old-fashioned. Then, assuming that you are old-fashioned, you do ask this. There are several possible answers for the girl to make. K she says "no," she means "perhaps." K she says "perhaps," she means "yes." K she says "yes" there is no teling what she does mean. But it is a wonderful world, isn't it? — Brunonian. EVERYTHING ameni i From an Ukulele to a Piano "Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast," therefore all you young savages, (and old ones too) are hereby notified to get your ■ _ ^^ _ _ _^ ^m^^^ Soothing Syrup at . . ILDYDlS Colonial Theatre Management of Ray R, Harmeson PRESENTING Hish- Class Feature Photo-Plays Daily Change of Program Advice to a Son About to be Married An old farmer receiving unexpectedly a letter from his son notifying him of the latter's engagement, wrote him the following: Dear Adolph: I thought I would ancer your kind welcum letter but you haf jard me up a little for a wile but I got over it now. By me tinking it over now Adolph if you tink that you air getting a good girl that is true to you and treat you nice you marry hur I dont cair if you better your selve if you can but I think you air too young to get married yet you could waided 10 years then you would haf money to stand with. You will be a poor man all your life time but you want to get married you do so if you tink it is the best for you My dear son I noaded som Eastern girls would pull you in you air too soft hardet but may doo all write we dont know these things. You outa wadet till you was 21 you hat panty time to get in truble yet. If you tink it is the best for you get married if you wanta I dont cair wat you do in marrying. Good by my loving son Yours truly father Adolph tink over this marryin you noad Mr. Sam Stross oldes son boy he married in Boston and his wife left him with 4 kids and thay air all with his mother now Dont do this with me I cant keep them 4 NATURE STUDY. rp EACHER — "Willie, which do you think are the most -'■ destructive, worms or caterpillars?" Willie — "I don't know, teacher. I never had cater- pillars." — Purple Cow. w SUMMER MEMORIES. AIKIKI Stuff — "Tell me, Archie, how are you and your Mother getting on with the servant problem this summer : Archie — "Swimmingly, Maud, swimmingly — we have two Finns." — Purple Cow. Women don't need to make a will when they die, for they generally have it all through life. "All is not bull that bellows." Good Shoes of course — WE SELL L\ OUR STORE WHAT WE SELL IX OUR ADS— The Julien Shoe House URBANA Next to Masonic Teni]jle Crumb Shelf Sandwiches JUST AS YOU LIKE THEM We Make Our Pies ONE TASTE INVITES ANOTHER Coffee BEST IN THE UNIVERSITY DISTRICT Free Advertisement npHE SIREN is strong for the Junior ■*• Prom, the Soph Cotilion, the Mili- tary Ball, the Ag Dance, and every other big affair for which an adver- tisement like this will be taken in ex- change for comps. Any man who goes through college without having attended the Prom may still be a man; he may be a great stud- ent and a noble citizen; but he is like the fellow who goes to a wedding with- out kissing the pretty bride. Any man who goes through college without having attended the Soph Co- tilion may still be a good fellow, but, etc., etc. He who misses the Military Ball may still be human. However, etc., etc. As for the Ag Dance, it certainly was great stuff, and the SIREN earn- estly advises all of next year's stud- ents to be sure and attend it in Nov- ember, 1917. He: "Why do you think I no longer love you?" She: "You don't even stop chewing gum when you kiss me." "The carriage waits without, my lord." "Without what, gentle sir?" "Without the left-hand running board; Without the French chauffeur, Without a drop of gasoline. Ten nuts, the can of oil, The outer coat of Brewster green. Two spark-plugs and the coil, Without the brake, the horn, the clutch. Without the running gear. One cylinder — it beats the Dutch How much there isn't here! The car has been repaired, in fact, '^nd you should be right glad To find that this much is intact Of what your lordship had. The garage sent it back, my lord. In perfect shape throughout; So you will understand, my lord, Your carriage waits without." — C. H. D. in Northwestern Candle. Joe's Barber Shop FIRST-CLASS SERVICE 621 South Wright Street Three Door.s \orth of Co-Op J, M. Foley PROPRIETOR Champaign, . . . Illinois Howard Ross Meat Market -CHOICE— Fresh, Smoked and Salt Meats 106 South Xeil Street liell i6 Auto 1 1 1 6 CHAMPAIG.X, ILL. w YOUR NAME. ■■'hen I am dead and the world has said What it cared to say of truths and lies; When the rain has washed the pain Free from the dust of my mouth and eyes; When my friends have gained their ends And come to lie with me under the grass; When my stone is all over-grown With ivy and mjrrtle, when goats' feet pass Over the place where my long-dead face Has smiled itself into senseless clay — Your dear name would make me flame Into marigolds — for I love that way. — Hester IValrath, in Northwestern Candle. "Homesickness Blues" will be an appropriate Thanks- giving song this year. Haberdashery of The Latest Sort TAILORED SUITS Of Distinction Made by Anderson "ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW" - MARSHALL Bradley Arcade IT'S UP TO YOU IF YOU \^ANT The Best Dry Cleaning, Pressing, Laundry Work, Shoe Repairing In the Twin Cities, it's up to us to show you, and w^e can and we w^ill WHITE LINE LAUNDRY Shoe Repairing Shop, 2 1 Main St. Phones: Bell 405—2406. Auto 1550—1786 The H. & H. 5c, 1 Oc and 25c Store Our Prices Speak for Themselves Our Goods We Guarantee. Large Stock of Good Quality "Most Anything You Want" 6 Main St. CHAMPAIGN, - - - ILLINOIS The Downtown Headquarters for "Old Grads ' ' Meet Your Friends Here Ofleia^ T YRI THEATRE c — The Home of Quality Feature Plays — Coming cor^^n^cln Jhursday, November 23 Anita Ste\vart "The Darling' of the Screen." IN Thursday, Nov. 30th, and Friday, Dec. 1st E H. SOUTHERN, the most powerful and tal- ented actor of the modern stage in "THE CHATTEL." Fox Features Every Wednesday. You Can't Afford to Miss One Eventually they all go "BACK" to Louden & Flaningam's Printing and Binding ^^-^f- dd i<^' ^ I fill 'If 1^' LpzCE f^ ^ -^^ WE BELIEVE The Keystone to Success IS FIRST-CLASS WORK AND SATISFACTION. THIS WE GUARANTEE TO PATRONS OF THIS STUDIO We will gladly bring our display to your home. Call Bell 1118 Maguire's Studio Opposite Flat Iron Building URBANA, ILLINOIS "ROCKSIES" FOR Oood Eats AND V^uick Service Soda Fountain Specialties TOBACCOS and CIGARS Cor. 4th and Green Sts. "OLD COLLEGE HALL" Listen to This and @ Keep in Mind this Fact ¥\^/ We have the finest Shop in the City and iK^W SER VICE That Makes it a Pleasure to Patronize Us C. L. HOOVER First National Bank Building. <^<>^=^=^-^ g^mu^^ M We have just installed the new Air Space Screen The very latest development in Half-tone reproduction. Let us make you The Best. Bell 411 Auto 2162 GBGKUBB&CO ENGRAVERS CHAMPAIGN ILLINOIS ANNOUNCEMENT: The first two issues of this year's SIREN have had a circulation more than twice as large as that of ANY PREVIOUS ISSUE in the history of the pubHcation. Also the amount of advertising space sold in this issue is SIX PAGES more than that of any previous one. WELCOME ALUMNI To Champaign and this Store nnO VOU, this store extends a most hearty greeting — ■'■ come in and look ns over, we'll be glad to see you. Use our Rest Room and all store conveniences — they're free ; you needn't buy a thing — but i^ you do buy. you'll find here splendid varieties — the newest fashions, fabrics, and home requirements. Again we say — Welcome! "Quality First Since 1872" ^. "C. XOillis Champaign "Quality First Since 1872" ' S NMH«C WESTER UNION :Q: 4lWL jL/o_Jd4' Mf A. \% ML it JL MTfrlV ,. '^istl- uK umi/. -t^^fjL u . JwJ ^/L