•w„ !S .■*^, \ •i^" *T ^- '•: ■^ ^"HiS^^ ^'^ <^.; :., V- THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS LIBRARY C v.e Ipji JOS. KUHN & CO. JOS. KUHN & CO. 118^ JOS. KUHN & CO. .^ Copyright 1921 Hart Schaffner & Marx Xr f y-^y Features of Fall Styles for Young. Mm COATS have lower op^gifiit^r" longer ij^rrower lapels; softer draping. Two or thre^butf^*iTiodels are good; -v some have belts. Double-b're'asted suits are popular too. . And remember that all-wool fabrics and good tailoring are the > right basis for good style. You'll get it all in our clothes made by Hart, Schaffner & Marx, and o^ered to you at remarkably low prices. < Central Illinois' Greatest Store for M^/ *'. 33-35-37 Main St. Champaign. 111. ore ■C Getting Tired By .I.C.F. M_v l)r(i\v is wvi — DislioiU'st s\vc:il Is wetter vcl. I'm on my ;;imnl To i-limli the hill — Not tiike a spill And slip bac-kward l''i-iim llifilicst lidpc or kii<)wle(lf?t'. Nope. >;(it yvi. "Ill p:iril. I'm working less. Ainbitiouless? You make a i;ness. Fur it's not hard To guess and y;rin When I'm all iu : A>hen I get mired. I show some speed ( Since there's no need I At getting tired. + i We cliiim to give our patrons the Finest Photo Finishing in the Twin Cities. ('om]det(' slock of Kast- man Koilaks aiiad and nnknown to Willie. I»ad liaile1STI .\"( MISIIED FROM THE REST BY THE Sl- PREME QFALITY ()F ITS FOOD AND THE CLEANLINESS OF ITS SERVICE. Now open to students Gilliland's Cafeteria IKBANA Race Street, .lust ott' Main — + i ■+ -+ I ■■+ [3] G. W. Lawrence Music Store Tlif only jilacc you liavc a choice of rcconls. ('(iliiiiil)ia. \'ictor, or ISniiiswick. Cul- uiiil)in, Jtriiiiswick ami \"ic lor plioiiogra]ilis. Come ill and let us demon.strate the different tones for you. We also have a large line of string instruments and Saxaplioiies. G. W. LAWRENCE 112 W. Main Street URBANA t A Friendly Warning ("Oir llic Hccord") ^^'(■ know tliat Missouri is tlic best state in till' I'nion and pro- duces "everytliinii" ; tint we are asKinished to lind tliat we pro- duce such an animal as is describ- ed in this, from the De Kalb Trib- une : 1'lfIS is "Some ("ow". FOR SALE — A cow that gives li\e (|uaits of milk a day, a set of fiolf sticks, a set of law l)ooks. and a very tine overcoat. lA't US suggest that you pur- cbase this iihenoniinal animal for fear the "Heef Trust" miglit ob- tain the same, then we can see your "hnish". Voii might inter- est certain other manufacturers in securing a part interest in this apoilicfic animal. — L. AV. Boolier. S I 1 I ■4 ("rawlish and Sliad — ( 'rawlish and Shad — A\'lien Hush ^Veek is o\-er The I'^rosh are in Had ! Dance Programs PARKER FOUNTAIN PENS STATIONERY BULLETINS Our work has a quality and distinctiveness that we feel certain will appeal to you GEO. D. LOUDEN PRINTING CO. ]V(ihiiil St.. ClKiiii iMiiini — + Now Featuring Electrical Goods student lamps at $2.50, $3.50 and up. Drop cord, sockets, switches, plugs, Mazda lamps, flashlights, liatterie.s, irons, and all kinds of electrical fittings for making a good study light. Fountain Pens A very large stock of Nationally )\iiown Pens selected for easy writing qualities and large ink capacity, from $l.oo uii. The New 50-cent Evershaip. Ivorlne pens in Colo's, and the Large Lifetime Pens are in stock. KODAK FINISHING We will maintain tlie sanifi liigli standard for Kodak Finishing Results as in past years. Film left be- fore 0:00 is ready after r-:30. We carry a large stock of Ko- daks and fresh sup- plies. The Hume of Good Photo Finishing 1 STRAUCH PHOTO -CRAFT HOUSE Adjoining Campus at 625 So. Wright Street I4| MAKE THIS YOUR BANK Your account is welcome at this bank whether large or small. No charge for service or advice. A GOOD BANK IN A GOOD TOWN FIRST STATE BANK URBANA i.'.j iMiiiiiiiMiaiiniiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiMiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiMiiiiiiniiiiiiMiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiitviiiM The Store in the Center of the 600 Block on Green St. TEXT BOOKS NEW AND SECOND HAND llltllllMIIIIIIIIIIIIKIIl IIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII lllllllllllllltllllDIIHIIIIIMIIII I Engineering and Artist Supplies j i Stationery and Music I I Spalding Athletic Equipment I Fountain Pens I i Leather Note Books IIMIMIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIllllllllllllllllMltllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllR Service Saving Satisfaction STUDENTCUPPLYCTORE 'ervice f Ja-s/irK^ f Ja^ isfaci ion I 606 East Green Street | I "Chuck" Bailey managers Shelby Himes | a 5 ITiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiciiiiiniiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiitiiii^ [6] Heury Saginaw Bush, up from Hoopsake Hollow, Kentucky, for a liberal education, is on his fir.st College Day confronted by the Widow Schlink, to whom he ha.s applied for lodging and cookies. Tlie Widow, after informing Henry that there might be a room left at the rate of twenty fivg or thirty berries a month, is asking some few impersonal questions, such as Do you smoke? Are you honest? Do you go to church? How old are you? What do your Folks amount to where you come from? Henry, whose Daddy told him that he'd find the No'thuhners a funny lot. is a bit nonplussed but is bearing up manfully, since he has two more addresses on bis list. [7J T. v. BoritLANOj IJditor MoitciAX I. Fitch, Busiiicsfi M1y liic end (if tlie bnig ami hectic year that's coming siie will iiave nplield former standards. Natnrally. no self respecting Siren will let tra- ditions retard an occasiunal forward strcike. One iinist keep abreast (if the times. Therefore with the limes will the SI KEX deal; lier pictured youths will not wear half-incli collars when three-quarter- iiu'h collars are en i-ci/le; iier (juips will deal but rarely with oysters when the name of tlie current month lacks the letrer K; to crown all, the SIREN will never, never, never print diatribes against tlie Toddle, so help her Jlrs. Castle! The Old (Jirls triune of attributes, inventoried in 'seventeen by -Mr. Kaiiliaelson as "Nonsense, Satire, Criticism", will be assiduously kept in view, for these three attributes are the pure white gems of her treasury. Nonsense makes you smile — nay, laugh at in- tervals, and that is good. Satire nuikes you think within yourself, '"I've often said so myself," — and that is good. Criticism makes you point your finger, saying, ".Mind that, In-ol lici- !" -aucl that is good .-ilso. [S] HREN A lt'>;.s (It'sirnlile triune of ;ittrilnit»'s. which has tTujiped up in the weedy spots of all college maga- zines, will be avoided. These thi-ee are Smut, Cyni- cism, and High Seriousness. Smut intrigues the iiudesiraltles — and thai is had. Cynicism rei>el.s healthy people, and that is had. High Seriousness isn't had. but it belongs to the seminars, the pulpits, and the bridge tables — and in no wise do the.se things concern the Old (lirl. X'lW. with these things in her seductive eyes, the SIKEX bids you good morning, and asks for your sympathy, sup]>ort. kindly criticism, and gen- eral tolerance. There's quite a year ahead. OF ACTIVITY lAZ AND ACTIVITY JAKE LET this be said: that their intentions, though good, are far too numerous. That students should have pursuits, apart from study, in which to e.\ercise in- itiative and bear responsibility, is without doul>t a laudable principle, but that activities should mul- tiply, di\ide, and multiply again is deplorable. Here at Illinois, clubs, fraternities professional and extra -professional, guilds honorary and senii- sub-rosa. saltals with constitutions, societies for the advancement of je-ne-sais-quoi, associations of stam- merers, grocers'-grandsons, ])eople from Bo.skertown. Texas, tuba-players, nature-lovers, red-heads, pink- heads, white^heads, and fat-heads — have become so numerous that in pledging sea.son the campus looks like a Sausage Stutters' Convention with ribbons. and the average weskit become tattered over the heart within a month. Doubtless, if the alisurdity flourishes, otticial curb will be put upon it. Since that would cause much pouting among the undergraduates, together with a touch of So]dioinore Bolshevism, the intelli- gent solution of the problem seems to be the exer ci.se of individual intelligence by the student him self. AVhen three gather together over a coke-lemon, and discover that they are all interested in ])sycho analysis, or Babe Ruth, or tliat they all linii> cm the left foot, let them not l>uy pins and write a consti- tution and arrauge for a meeting a fortnight come Tuesday; rather let them cherish secretly that com- mon bond of theirs, and meet modestly ami infers. forgathered unexpectedly about a safe, and eyeing one another with mingled sus- picion and professional sympathy. Figure it out to yourself. LAST YEAK. WHEN 1>K. AVOULBERT ingen- iously pieced together the words "Build that Stadium for Fighting lllini" there was brought into being a slogan which is at this time literally sweeping the country. For the Fighting lllini. the men who gave body, brains, and life itself to the service of civilization, and f(U- the men who, in the future, will give freely of their mind and body and time on the athletic field, the financial framework of a great Stadium is being erected under our eyes. (rivers are everj"where, from coast to coast and beyond the coasts, for as excellent a project as it has ever been our jirivilege to support. [9] JIREN 'ram-US : Coiildu't s\vv[> a wink last iiiglit on ai-c-ouul of that lobstei'. I rsns: And 1 couldn't either — on account of that confounded cat. Tanrns: JIv dcai- fellow I 1 Yon eat cats ? Hoch der Hokku! A IK II' n rsr fitriii is inside inir midst. Tin ]lol;kii. \o Iioiiic is iioir (■(niiplitf iritlioiit ii hokku. IV. — Angry The s.)utheasl wind l)lo\>s like licll — \m\\ — imfl' — - I'ntr - A nnt di-oi)s to till' pMciiicnt. /;( the Illinois Mdf/dziiir. mid in otJicr inof/iizincs di iiihd til Tliiiii/s nf llir spirit. ]Vli(lt is it? Simple. V. — Sunday A rrrsr '/>.V offrr-s tlir folloiriny :— Nol.ody knows how dry J am. scn-ntriii si/llahlis — no inure, iin less: I— Futility The crescent moon i-ises about ten o'clock this weather: I can't help it. //. — Grandma liidcr the jnni|icr tree she sits all day. Cliewiny Star tobacco. VII.— Finish l)o yon think there is anythinji in this Hokku stuff"/ Neither do 1. -S- III.— Shudder 1 thouiiht a -Inne Hnsi ]>erched n]ion my shoulder- yet— This is S(Mitc'ndier ! Veil! Veil! Scene: ICli-valor in Chicago Beach Hotel. Just Arrived: Are there many (ientiles here Habitue: Not enonyh to be annoying. IIOJ JIKEN 00|Op»|C3l!OtaC3»«»«;, « H ••IM^'^^C Thomas: I'll i)lay the Ihrcc-lcill on tlic (•unicr . . .IciTold : Veil — and I'll dii tli<' saiiic witli my walcli if yim makf the point. Oh, Summer! Sweet Summer ! A i.yrical Uci>oi-l Lust Sid-iiiji, Alas. I took cx- aiiis too (U-eii for my invention, anil so (lesiiitc my Insty damns I fliiid<(Ml |iast contiavcntion ; my parents, all inimical, i-cniaiked 1 was a fool, an'oidswor1h. jiart by part. They met with joy the High School sat about 'most everywhere, and UAks who ediu-.-ile the Nation . . . talked in ernest tones of what '' Doc. I'anl said of \'oltaire, or Krb l!ni what llio\iglil most my lar- of overtones. nyx chokes, is this: I'm OFV r KOI! AT I ox: --- « -r- "f S ■ These educators of the young Tea and Oreen Hiver — filled me with admiration, be- 'Pi'a and tireen Hiver — cause I knew their brain and AA'hen danciii" tongue, would mold i)\ir future ]( ij.,,( uation. And while in class 1 used (Jood manners to sit and watch their waving q',, shiver. hands, while they I he Lamp of Knowledge lit. and Time poured out his Sands: with awe plain- written urden to her the thoughts that had occu- pied his mind for many days. He slipped a trendjling arm about her waist. She did not ob- ject — so he squeezed, oh — ever so little, but quite enough to send a shiver thru his delicate anatomy. She adjusted her horn-rim glasses and said, "I know you do, Ferdin- and. You are very delightful — and I like you. But I can never marry. My poor slum children must be cared for." "Damn", said Ferdie — and Neva was insulted. Slie would not lis- ten to explanation or apology. Ferdinand Meeque left Iier. He was broken in spirit. The old moon seemed to smile. Why shouldn't the old moon r •• — \ I w ^ \ 4j 151 . / ^j The football player is a gent Deserving of respect ; (3f his prowess he's reticent ; He'.s modest, we suspect. Oh look at him, my pretty dear, Kegard him kick that ball — Hut if yon look too long, I fear Y'ou'll be due for a fall. For little girls he fascinates — Tliough not by liis intention — And so, my dears, I pray tlie Fates To derange your attention. S That evil wishes come home to roost is illustrated in "The Cat and The Canary". smile. He and Ferdie were the sole possessors of a secret. None but they knew that the cause which provoked the quarrel was a painful burn on Ferdie's neck, Neva always was a bit careless in handling her cigarettes. — J.L. Popular Superstitions 1. That the left hind foot of a rabbit is lucky if you have the rest of the rabbit. 12. Tiiat it is unlucky to slee]! thirteen in a bed. 3. It is fatal to cut your liii- ger-nails while holding tlie scis- sors with both liaiids. 1. That ill fortune will pur- sue one who calls on the Dean of Men with one shoe on. 5. That lobster salad and ice cream should never be eaten to- gether on Wednesday. (>. Tliat a diamond watch, worn about the left wrist on a platinum band, will secure one from Jninger in time of need. 7. That to step over a thumb tack averts ill fortune. 8. That a pole-kitten, car.rjed in a reticule, will keep one's enemies at a distance. 9. That passing under a lad- der is considered unlucky. Al- ways climb over it, especially if it lies flat on the ground. 10. That a man, splitting wood in August, signifies that an early winter will ensue. • — S Anacreontic Hear lies dear \\'illiani Jennings Stew Wlio mixed a mash for liis home brew ; The stuff exploded with a crash Now William Jennings is the masli. — A.L.S. te - . If 1 had my choice Of numerous madames I'd choo.se one by Brinkley Or Beatrice Adams. ,DRAV/^ &y £zATR|[:5 Ai\/^/\y® o [121 A Word of Caution to Contributors The SIRE^' iuvites your atten- tion to this short iuventory of material which she does not care ti) print, in the hope that you will iiDt waste time in jireparing ami sulimittiug it : ]. "Wheezes about the iSouth ("ampus, containing the words Spooning, Crooning, ami Moon- ing. '2. Diatribes for ami againsi T. X.E. ;!. Jokes dependant on vulgar- ity for their kick. i. Jokes from whieh necessary vulgarity has been expurgated. .">. Limericks that do not scan. G. Slush, including political jiropaganda. 7. Insults to any worthy cause. institutions, or person. S. Flattery of any unworthy cau.se, institution, or person. 9. Drawings copied from collar a.ls. 10. Drawings copied from La Tic Parisieinic. * * * it These ten Verbotcii — etfects may seem, at first blush, to eliminate all legitimate College Magazine subjects. Consider them a bit. and it will be evident that hundreds of things are left to write ■ and draw. The Old Girl wants your contributions, wishes you to have a wide range in the selection of subjects, urges you to draw on your own imaginations, and de- crees that the above ten items be I'liminated from your work. Better a blank page than a page of rot. —The Editor. S . Questions Which Have Bothered Me I. How dues a cow feel when it lows ? II. Does tripe grow on tri- pods ? III. AVhat does a clianielion taste like? — Summer Scout. IN MEMORIAM RAOUL HARVEY Who has drunk his last bidon of shellac, and tittered his last morsel of home- grown philosophy which was : "Be warned by my fate, lioys, and stick to the known lirands I" Green Street in Summer Pairs of spectacled girls, talk- ing in low, passionate tones of Domestic Science in Palestine. Young men without neckties, hold- ing up the Arcade and telling the story about the two travelling men. Mature persons in white cravats on their way to the Ag building and a glass of Bulgar- Lac. Solemn pedagogues with their coats on, wiping their fore- heads with silk kerchiefs. BoIi headed cuties in knee-lengths, trotting over to Mosi"s with bi^ strong men. Tall ladies in white flounces, buying talcum powder and picture post-cards at local sliops. Stiulents of Enginwn'ing. hustling home to play the Sex- tette on their Cornets. — Summer Scout. S jmEN Homecoming ! Next month — Homecoming ! The only truly independent part of a man's — and a woman's — life is that four years in college. Be- fore college the average man has to run errands for and report to The Folks, and after college lie has to run errands for and report to The Dearest Little Woman in the world. Therefore, once a year, the grad" casts off the rue and decks iiim- .self with roses, and comes Ijack to Alma for an inde])endent week- end. He'll be back here — next month, independent as a South American Socialist. Let's give him a welcome he'll never forget. S "My business is getting rotten," said the horseman, as he gazed on his dead trotter. .Miss Watsiname playi'd on her harp In the dangerous key of 1' sliari); The sweet melodic Killed the fish in the sea. Excepting, naturlich, the catp. Obviously Hungry diner: "A la carte or a regular dinner?" Waitress : "Fll have yoti know we serve dinners on a plate, not a cart."— A.L.S. [13] JIREN I .Alli-^S BlKl), till! WEAllNAK MOTH— as far as an.v one knows she has no Given Name — is with ns, as nsnal. All day long she takes notes from a ]>latoon of Worn Books, and looks Annoyed whenever some Blade comes in to Meet a Friend. Yes, she will tea ell. CORIOLANUS BUFORI) JAMES, tlie CONFER- ENCE HOUND, who is always to he spotted across the table from a weary jirof, asking said prof, all ahont what the Futnre holds for Diligent Young Men, and what Coriolanns ought to read. He is morbidlj' keen after advice, and likes to Talk Ser- iously with the Older Men. Too intelligent to waste his time, and too stupid to know when he is wasting it, Coriolanns will (loiil)lless live long and prosper in moderation. TERRY MAC DOI'dALL, this years ATHLETIC WHITE HOPE, who is always with us in some in carnation or other, is somewhat confused at the Fame that has been thrusi upon him. and constantly reflects that he did not receive so much attention back in Shady Dell. He is here shown after being introduced to the Most Popular Girl; Jack, the Man About the Arcade, who did the introducing, looks on with the feeling that he is in Darn (Jood Com- pany. [14] JIREN GOKDON PULITZER (iOHDOX. wixi is iin.iiiiiu'iil on the llini. is liaviiifi liis niuruiiij; .lilie at tlio Daily Trill, r-roiii the Cartoon to the A\'aiit Ads, Gordon tells the AA'orld what a (lood Xewspaiicr should be like. Then lie will <^n over to The Office, read jiroof. and let some such headliue as "Bolsheviki Fish for Avbitratiou'' slip by him. Year after next he hopes to be a Leg Man for Mister Hearst. I'AI'L •DIKUV Hi.AKi:iii;i.\i. ili.' SCMMIA.M «»K HI{AI^LI•:^■. learned lo ilaii<-e wIhmi lie was iliir- teen and has never learned anylliinv'!S. The Ug. Pragmatic Paul, the Philosophs' I'ride. CURTAIN RI8ES. ENTER PAUL, PROM TRAP DOOR. Paul: 1 hate janitors! To be kicked out — and 'tis only midnight. The seminars should hv i>])en all night. The restaurants are. (A low moan is heard. Paul lights a cigarette) What a disgusting illusion ! (The HORRIBLE UO enters, from an old P.A. can which lies up.stage. AYaves arms, glares, drools, and groans.) The Ug: Owooo — Awooo — Uwooo — Fish! Paul : I beg your pardon. Dont you feel well ? (The Ug attempts to raise one eyebrow, but it has no eyebrows. Yet one can .see that the Ug is nonplussed.) The Ug: Oooooo — wufi Oooooo — wuf! Paul: Who are you? The Ug: I'm a ghost, you (lund)-hell. Paul: I see. But have you a stomacli ache? (The Ug is aghast) The Ug : Why, no. Paul: Then why all the noise? Y'ou'U be arrested, yon know. The Ug: (P>right('niug up a bit) That's to scare you with. Paul : But you dont scare me. The Ug: AYuf! E-e-e-eek! Ow-wooo! J)oesii"l liiaL scare you? Paul: No. The Ug : Why not ? Paul: Because I know all about ghosts. The Ug: Goodness gracious! Yon dont tell me! A^■llere did you learn? Paul: In books, and from my teachers. I am a major in Philosophy you know. The Ug: (Cordially) Shake! I was a major in the Crimean War! (Paul e.xtends a languid handi Paul: Then how did you get way over here? The Ug: (All downcast) Oh. a simple great-grand daughter of mine got to fo(ding witii a Weejy Board, and called me up. I'anl : (With .sympathy) I understand. They arc very inconsiderate. But you cant amount to much up there in Heaven, as we call it, for con venience, — if you fool with Ouija calls. Ug: tBluslies a light French gray) You're right. I dont amount to much. I'm only a be- ginner, anyway, and the highbrows wont have much to do with me. There's a gang of us that The (Continued on Page Thirty-One) 117] JIREN Bk Bmrw ®f Soumiui'dPsiplg^.g).. HriiKj II diiij tit dill] t'hriiiiiili- of thi I>iii:ii/s nj iiiir iij ilir Main/. SEI'TEM. 22. — ri>, the morn, at an early hour to do battle with the iiiilliuj; hordes seckiug adiiiissiou to my Lord Kiiiley's catch-as-catch-cau self"scr\ ice knowledge dispensary. Saw many of the old flock anre-\'olsteadian camaraderie still exists. Hcmoved it after the noon repast, for it brings fond memories that needs must be checked in the Litter day in flnences of the Knowledge I'^icttiry. SEPTEM. 2S.— Learning today that a cat has nine lives I no longer wondci- at the longevity of that old iladame (iossiji whom the good .Madame Pep- less so thoroughly detests. A (piestion which in truth had puzzled me for long. So thri-. Frank Crane has told them that lliey themselves are that very Suiiermaii. Wilde and ;entleuien. this is a cannon the Hritish cai>t\ired at the battle of Hunker Hill." "Thafs all rijjht. «dd man," yelled an American, -you got the cannon, we '^«X the hill." A.L.S. S If Music Be the Food of Love Pierrot: i Sings i I'a-a-le hands I loved licsidc the Shaliuiar — I'a-a-a-le hainls. peeiik-teeped like lotus buds — Pierrette: i Speaks from afari Poor, simple l>oyI T drive a flivver. S Invocation Thought! Tear loose from my vapid brain I 1 know you're there, but all the same, You seem to hide, ^^■hat fool- ish power Has chained you in your coi)web bower? — J.L. from the. Boncyard Antfiolocjy, 1. Llewellyn Smith Smythe. Coming as J did from the Metropolis, thought nothing Of making casual goo-goo eyes At I'letty little girls r look a fancy to. ( iood dancers, too — None of your moose they were. And 1. a City Man. knew liow To dance the latest dii)s, and how To speak a witty, witty line. And how to tell a barber how my Lair AA'as to be cut to make it ^lost etfective. And I knew Almost at first glance, which ilirls would kiss at lirst. And which at second meeting. All told. I knew much, ami was An ornament to any divan. Knowing all this. As a mere Freshman, There seemed nothing left For lue to know — Till' Honevari(lja see Jlarj's face a inimiU' ago when she went to drag that Iciiihle I)ow(h'n girl away from .Miss Frieks? White. Scared? Oli haliy! tliat Dowdcn would ruin our chances with any rnshee. 1 dont care if she was touted liy a National Officer: she's a lein on. We couldn't even use her in the kitchen. One peep at that face at breakfast would sour liie sweet est day. Now, whats your idea of the girl talking to Mai-j now? — the one on the davenijort? I dont think 1 like her. Name's Gretzheini — whassat? No, they say not. Of course, you cant tell; Germany's a big country. This Gretzheiin was at the house party, y'know. She makes awful noises when she brushes her teeth. S'pose I should be glad she had some to brush — or that she brushed 'em a-tall. No, I dont like her. Dont you think she seems too much at home? Self confidence, Helen dear, is the greatest virtue which it is easiest for a freshman to have too much of. And the girl next to the (}retz- lieim ! My dear, she's impossible — or rather too entirely perfec'ly pos- sible. I picked her up on the board- walk yesterday morning; she told me she thought she would get pearls set in her pin because she had a pearl necklace and they would look so nice together. Loid, what fools these riishees be 1 Speaking of Shakespeare — re- mend)er that Weaver girl we had o\er last night? — the one who is sure Phi Beta Kappa? She trans- ferred from Belleville because there was no chapter there and she wanted to wear the key. (That's my idea of zero in ambi- tions I) AA'ell, they're nice to have in tlie house. But, niy dear, I'm afraid I've ruined our chances with this one. Slug's majoring in Philosophy — full of her suliject and all that. Well, she was telling me all sorts of wild things these old Goofg had said, and she got down to the Neo-Platonic system. I asked her if Neo was Plato's first name! My dear, she turned purple, I beat it as soon as my apologies could be heard and sent Jean to talk to her. Jean's a Psych' maj- or, and I figured she'd be able to talk in Weaver's language. The Philosophy and Psychology sem- inars are in the same room aren't they? Well, they sound alike. The Jones Girl? Really, Helen, they say she isn't so bad if you talk to her. I know. Wonderful eyelashes, but the rest of her face looks as if it were petrified. I'm suie I'll never be happy until I've jtuuched it. Might be like punch- ing the Great Stone Face, though. Sure, Helen, her eyelashes are long enough to marcel, and I'll even admit that the eyebrows have possibilities — but you know, my dear, we would have to pledge the rest of her face, too. Miss Brown, now — the one over by the piano — is adorable. She was asking about our cups the other day, and when I took the Stunt Show one down two June Bugs fell out — dead, of course. I was terribly embari"assed and started to explain that we were saving them for zoological studies, but she only laughed and said the ]ioor things had just fallen in and couldn't get out. I changed the subject and told her about the time we made fudge without but- ter, and greased the pan with cold cream. She wanted to know how it tasted, was very much impres- sed, and said she knew she'd like college life. I like to hear young |ieople talk like that — dont you? The Fo.x girl over there has a Zeta Eta Theta brother. That means something, at least, and her initiation fee would help fill the treasury. Do you suppose we could use her for Y. W., or Woman's League? We simply have to pledge somebody for Y. W. now that Frances is out of the chapter. There's Marj now — giving me (Continued on Page Twenty-six) [201 Look Out for this Pun! The Judge: (At reunion i D'y know Fat Burns? TIic Squire : Xo. Tlie Judge: It does. S ^.^ Doubt It's said that there's a pair of things A man's a fool to do — To chase a street-car, and to chase a girt: They say there'll he another Within an hour or so — Hut Kill she be ax imiidrrful — as you? — Anon. S "Never mind turning on ilic lights. niotluM-. iiM]);i will make the moonshine." Letters of a Globe- Trotter H.v A. L. Sir;ms |i<':ir Kgliert : Well here we is. down in Ha- \ana. And n()W I know why tliey calls ii ihat. ll"s cause it rimes with Ipanaiia, which is the only American uftil) we gets down here. lint yon"li iniilialily say. 'who in Hector wants to eat in Cnha ?' ^\'hi(■h reminds me. reniemher \\lieu Hohson tryeil to hot tie up the S|iaiuards in the hariior hi'i-e? ^\'el us Americans can he darn jilail he didn't cork things \\\\ here, eh Kggy? Ha Ha. Well, as I was lelliii you in my last letter, my iiro-indaw yoiing Martin who's down here with me and my wife, is still in love with the hlonde nio\ie dame who he's heen foller- in. All he's done since he's caught the disease is smoke inuumerahle of my cigarettes and write home for more money owing to the fact that I can imly lend hiiu a few paltry hundreds at a time. After every meal, at which he oidy eats enough for three meu. love having deprived Mm of his normal appe- tite, he sits at the tahle till this queen hreezes out and then rushes like Paddock to open the door for her hefore the head waiter can. thus depriving a poor It), 00(1 a year man of his daily stipend and sustenance. Well the other even- ing the wifee and our hero, mean- ing me EggT, breezes home from a show and who do we pipe arm in arm on the veranda but the object of unrequited love and this queen of the cinnamon. And liiiu looking like he can't wait to break the glad news to mama. Just then she throws her arms around liini like she docs to her lo\-er in the "Professor's Jlillions" and lie steps in to plant a kiss on her liandsoiiu> mug. Which he does. Vours with live mosquito bites on my left ankle. •Tnbhv' .1. .1. .(ones. JIREN The Campus Lexicon ri'ii be published from time to time in the Sir<'ii i J'AKLOK TKICKS: Th(! curtain- talk of the social fakir. ATHLETE: A i>erson who h.is to bathe. ■lOlKNALlST: A per.son who ought to bathe. l.IXi:: The verbal distance be- twecii the two conversational jioints. Hello and (ioodbye. T( »!' : The mythical part of the morning. A contrivance to break even with. IXTKODUCTIOX: An incanta tion which makes a Peer out of a Jlere Person. ("LASS: The students' avocation. SAXAPHUNE: The Victorious Trumpet of the Bradley Hall (iladiators. lUIOT: Present company except- ed. I'lX: The handiest thing in the world. Takes the place of a chest protector, a solitaire, or a personality. The Higher the Fewer Sable Kook: Wliato: That's no way to hold a gun. old tiq)perl .lolly Huntsman: Bight <>: But why (lout you fly in the ordinary ma liner, old fish ? [21] Race Hatred -A Dialogue :,';—: />')/ .IdllX IjAWIiKI! I{;m;il\li1ns — \',\i\ tell iiie, do yon liiMi- wlictlicr iiiMiius lias had any niisfortnnc at dice, or no? Ja.nn\iiii \'itac -All. tlicic I liavc aiiotliei- bad pain. A Uaiik iMijit, a |H-odit;al who, dare scarce show his head in the Lilirary. A l)egj;ar tjiat was used to come so suuij; upon the caiiipiis. He was wont to call me with four kinj;s, when all T had was (ineeiis. Let jiiin look to his hankioll. He was used to lend money ajiainst me, in a crap <;ame. Let liini look to his banki-oll ! JOncalyptus — ^Kni sni-ely, it lie forfeit his bankroll, thou wilt not i-efuse him a I'lii Hela l\a]ipa kep? "What jiood's that do? Lignum ^'itae — To make a suck- er out of him withal. If it will do nothing else, it will satisfy my desire for revenge. He hath hiiul- ered me in many a era]) game. He hath scorned my straight-flushes, Thwarted mv bhitfs, laughed at my losses, mocked at my gains. cooled my friends and heated mine enemies. And what's his reason? I am a I'hi Eeta Kapjia ! Hath not a riii Bet" hands, glasses? — fed at the same boarding club, hurt with the same wea|ioiis. sulr ject to the same kind of mumps, cured by the same kind of faith healer that a T N 10 is? If yon come out on "seven" do we not yell? If the dice read "de»iceace"", do we not laugh? Or. if you tor- ture us by a long, drawn out pro- cess of making "Big Dick", do we not writhe in mental agony? If a riii Bet" wins a T .\ K"s mon ey, what's his humility? HE- ^'EX(iE! If T X 10 takes a I'hi J^efs moneys, what should HIS sull'erance be by T N 10 exani|)h'? Why K E-V-EN-G-E? The villany you teach, I will execute, ami it will go hard but 1 will better the Insti'uction I "Economics in Jig-Time" )uld sell to you This clieese at a reduction, And take in tiade that milk so blue — \\liy should you start a rncliou? (> -Mouse, no ruction will I start; But there's no use to tease; Eor frlus? (i. Who wrote the words to "My Hortense" ? 7. ^^'hat is the a\erage life n yiersons economic. [22 The Story of the Stadium l>v S. l»ix Uauwooii Once \ii)iiii a tiiiu' ilicrc was as iiiiuli exi-lusive- ui'ss and aloofiii'ss in bfiiij; an alumnus of the I'ni- veisity of Illinois as ilicic is now in heint; a nieni- her of Sciilililors" or ilic Hoof ami Horn t-lnli. One had to accumulate some hundred-odd creilits, wear a rented caji and gown in an academic procession, and pay a <1i|iloiiia fee, cash down — no live-dollar bill, no diploma. And that was that. HiU the aliiimii ffice of the University and iho.se who know the Hlini tribe best have changed the meaning of the word. Carl Stephens of the A.Q.I'.X.. Elmer Ekhl.-iw. and Sam Kaiihaelson iiave learnetl that Oner (in llliiii. (iliriijix (III mini. So now, an alnni- nus of the I'niversity of Hliuois is anyone who ever registered here. There are thirty five thousand of tis. In the last campaign for funds from the state legis- lature, these one-tinu' stu- dents proved that a degree is not the only label for Illinois loyalty. To every one of tliese thirty rive tliou.saud alumni there will be mailed soon a book called TJif Stori/ of the Stadinni as a reminder of the old days, and as a projihecy of the days to come. The most U'iticeaiile thing about The Storj/ of thr Siadiiini is that it is good to look at. It is meant, of course, to be a short account of the sta- dium project, and to recall to everyone the two or three or four years spent here on the cam|>us. The cover of the book is to lie of dark liliic with a little label of orange and blue, winch gives the w niirinicil contents there is much to be .saiil in prai.se: how often \\e do remendier beauties of illnstrati narrates his story with .1 stininlaling kind of exuberance. There iiiiulil have been a few more (("ontinni'd on pagi' twenty eight 1 [23] AHiO eljevhere Walk doicii Green Htreet! Or Mivhigan Avenue in fine iccather. Or Hal.sted Street, Or the Champs EJysees — Any old street! Walk observant, jiluof, Watclifiil, sneeriug, Infiiiitely superior; Look at the people! IxPgai'd tliem, pity them. Classify tlieui. Look at the people Passing liy. (Ircat sjiort ; J'liilosojiliixin;/ On a croicded si reel. Isn't it? Look at the people — Faces, faces, faces. Faces of Youth, Age, Lusty health, Piety, Madness — Faces .... They hurry like the devil. They loaf along like Influential angels. They loll in taxis, Percli in flivvers, Or — like you and me — Stand still and Philosophise. That is hetter, hrother, Is it not:' Thanlc God Thai ire arc not as other Men — tJiat our faces Arc not the faces Of this mol). Faces of Youth — Full lipped, open eyed, Intent upon itself. Racing to a class, To a restaurant, To an amour, a meeting, A game, a night's long Slumber — it's all one To Youth. Tliere.are flappers, cute As can be. Bound to live If it kills them. There are serious, heavy Young women with bt)oks; Serious, pale young men. Pockets filled with pencils ; Sprightl,v young men there are. With careful hair; Solid young men. who smoke a cigar After each meal — one and no more. Intellectual young men. Talking abo\it the Weltschnierz. About you, about me, al)out Themselves — no matter — So tliey be talking, talking. Is it not fortunate, Brother, That ijoih and I are ahore All thisf Look at the faces I Faces of Age — Heads like the skulls fliey are. Taper-lit on All Saints Fve. Benignant sometimes, And sometimes briglit ^Mtli Time's own tolerance — And sometimes Age walks Mumbling and glaring; Drooling about the change That's wrecked the world Since they were at the helm. (These wild young people! Alack-a-day for the day Of my youth ! ) Now see The solid Business ilan, Neatly tailored, hat a-tilt, Chewing a cigar. See liim ])anse With an acquaintance, And talk about profits. And baseball, and losses. And the wives of friends. See the f^it travelling men, Sweating wrathfully liclwceu calls, Bellowing for cooling drinks. See the sinful, sad, local fellows. Cranking their Buicks. See the Professors, on their way To ask for a book that will not ]<]ver be in stock. (}ood I'l-ofes- sors; A little cynical, perhaps. Perhaps a little weary. Perhajjs It were better, brother, that we Do not laugh at them too much. (Cotinued on Page Twenty-Six) [24] DICK MINER Plumbing and Heating Contractor IDEAL HEATING BOILERS riidiic .M.iiii ."idl 219 West Main Street URRANA. ILLINOIS t ! I I i I a ■+ - + i I i I I I I I +■■ I +— s^lZ2 O <^s mU(->k a:)- atmosphere makes the difference that is why you always feel at home at Ami llic ill-illlcs 1;islc hctlci- (;(Ki (il-iMMl S(l<'i'l I I I I I ■+ [2r.] — From — Apperson's Little Plumber L. W. Apperson Plumbing and Heating Phone Main 906 120 S. Race St. URBANA Pure Ice Cream TRY OUR BOSTONS TUey Are fiprcinl Schulefs On Main Street CHAMPAIGN t)* 111— .11 .lu III! nil-.— iHi..~iii> nil nil nil nn iiii iii{* Pick-up Week (Continued from Page Twenty) the High Sign. AVheii she wiiiks her h^ft eye and scratclies her right ear it means "Come ami give this freshman a good line alioiit College Ijife". I'll go and tell her how we ate Irnit salad ont of a hair r(M'eiver with a shoe horn. S Faces Seen on Green St. (Continued from page twenty-four) For, all in all, they are the liest, That walk on Green Street. They are not all earth bonnd Like tlie rest. Tliey give ninch. And receive — less than tiiey give. Look at the fac(>s! See— .1//.' 'I'licrc ill a iriiiiJoirpinic You sec vol l{ flier! And ijoii IJiiiik. for the firsl tiiiir. Most hittcrli/. Ihiil j/oiir j'acr In hill our — our — , Of thrsr iiianij, iihiiiij faces! Come, let's move with the crowd. S(»meone across the street Is latigliing at ns. Household Hintrances If a pinch of salt is added to the water in which the sponges for sponge cake are soaked, a snr- prising tinttiness will resnlt. Mrs. Zanzibar, a faithfnl con- tribntor to this department, stig- gests that old phonogra]>h rec- ords make excellent pads on whicli to set hot dishes. (The editor has a record of "Hearts and Flowers" that might serve admirably in tiiis pHr|>nse. ) Au anonymous contribntor wrote to state that if someone w()nld lend him about twelve feet of garden hose, he had a neighbor whom he migjit ntilize as a vac- tuim cleaner. The Weekly Bngle takes this O]i]iortnnity to observe that snch vulgar liiimor is not connliMianced ON GREEN STREET Mac's Good Eats Morning, Noon and night I 9 I Just East of College Hall M. R. McBroom 403 E. Green Prescriptions Filled BERT SPALDING'S GREEN STREET PHARMACY PERIODICALS TOBACCOS TOILET ARTICLES DRUGS A lilix-k West of the Cami>iis — on Green + [26J + — '■ 8 Main Street, Champaign Phones: Garfield 1121; Main 1 Home Killed Meats and Poultry Pork Lard FROM THE FAK.M DllilOCT T( » VOH Smith & Picard WHOLESALE RETAIL + ,_.._«_« — . „ — + Fish on Friday JIM — So she refused you? TIM — That's the impression I recei\eu. Bird — Do you waul .i nut snu- JIM — -Didn't she actually say ^.^ •> no? Even if a boat arrives on tiiiM', 11 j^efs docked just the same. S Carrots and Onions — •' i** " Carrots and Onions — TIM — No, she didn't. All she Chic — I always have a date for If you didn't go walking said was "Halia-ha I" Sundav. — Lemon I'uucli. You'd never have huiiions. — + 1 I +- Welcome Back ! Old Timers ! "ILLINI JJ Welcome In! New Comers! WHITE LINE LAUNDRY DEPOT-"IVIAIN 406" [27] ^. — .. — .. — .. — .. — .1 — .» — .. — 1.1 — II. — I. — - — III — I- — - — ™ — - — » — - — "+ "Gelvin, you're showing a wonderful assortment of shirts this fall" That's how one chap expressed it and we believe he about covered the point. You'll think so too. GELVIN'S CLOTHES SHOP Green Street + . i 1 .11+ WE SUPPLY ICE CREAM For church festivals, fairs, bantjiiets and other large gatherings where food refresh- ments are served. We guarantee prompt deliveries of the best ice cream made un- der strictest sanitary conditions and shall be pleased to arrange with committes and others for supplying this best of all refreshments and deserts. Champaign Ice Cream Co. Bell 175 115-117 E. University Auto 2107 The Story of the Stadium I ( 'out iiiiicil I'l-iiiii i'ajic 'l'.\ I sections, however, to carry on the tale from ]»ast to ftiliire. There is tlie story of the first llliiii, under I lie caption "An liiilian Trilie Hefian it a l.,ong; Time Aj^o", Imt tliere i.s no mention of that early j;ra(lnate of Illinois Industrial I'niversity, < icorge I!. Siiawhan, wiio tirst discoNci-ed tlie aptness of calling The .students "lUini". Mr. Sliawan forms a chapter of his own in undergraduate liist(n-y, and lie must not he forgotten. Something might have hcen said, too, of those wlio created tlie designs for the stadium ;ind the court of honor. Vet, aside from the vigor of the sej)arate ar- ticles, the whole gains from admirable ami even dramatic arrangement. The story begins, as has been said, with the lllini Imlians, but with md too much unadorned historical date. There follows then a sprightly account to contrast the Illinois of twenty-five and fifty y(^ars ago with that of today, and then comes the story of the present, rrobably the best piece of writing in the book is that charac- terizing (j. Hull'. A high compliment to the man it is, that when peojile write of him or draw, they gen- erally do their best work. Tt is an arresting com- jiarisou — that ei'oiies — And the diids — in the suds — Sunn to deck the Pretty Buds — And the dates — tiiat tiie Fates— .Make and break like china i)Iates And the dress — from the jiress — Taken to the wronj; address — And the noise — that the hoys — .Make weekends at Illinois — .Vnd the stars — incdiidinj; .Mars — ('leaniiifi out the Seminars — ]S'ew marcels — iniiMUt helles — !)ressed-ii|i hoys in tortoise slndls ]»esii;iiate — liej; to state — 'I'liat no matter how irate — Jt may make ns — That strange, wild tiling. Society Is on ns — Heaven help nsl — Slimmer Scout. +'■ ! I I I i I ■ I t I s I American Dry Cleaning Co. Cleaning, Dyeing and Pressing "F^fficeiil iiml Itclialil*;" , Wc give special allentioii lo your iiuiiv'dual needs. Work Called For And Delivered Ju.^l call main L'5IJ7 'A" West Ma-'ii St.. Urbana I i .,.4. A Store Worth Knowing Our organization i.s made up of men trained to be of service to .vini; tliat'.s what we're here for; not simply to sell something. The m(M- ilicrc to monUi-y with spiritualists, or have anything to do with (lie earth . . . hut I always liad a weakness for had conipany. J'.nil: That's wliat I llioii-li(. Tlie Ug: You are an unusual young man. Paul: But I must leave you. I have idanncd lo amuse myself witli some papers by Doyle, and Lodge. They arc interesting, but not new — not new. The I'g: (Nearly in tears) You ha\c liclped me wonderfully I It only took s(unchody to remind me. to make me regain niy self rcs|»cct. Paul: Pleased to hear it. Now trot along home, like a good boy. and ilon't fool around with any more mediums — and — cr — better get yourself a pair of pants and a shin. That — er — what is it ? Tlie Ug: (Departing nji a nearby treel Shroud. Paul: Ah yes: that shroud is most absurd, (rood- night. (Exit Paun -+ i Designs E4rc Kings Colorplates PKo+o-Engra-^^ing's J^Ld\)erl'i s in a j-Airposes G.R.Grudd 8 Co. t a m p a 1 q t .Illinois + ■ + +- 131] Agues was tii;iniiiji (lut liei- cuts. "Wbafs ti'ii per-ceut?"' slie ((uizzed. ••One tenth:" flashed tlic an- swer. "Which goes to show tliat tlicre lias been no falling off in iiati\e wit since the dim days of Aristn jilianes. — S First Seeker: How near were you to the right answer to tlie thinl (|iiestion? .Second: Two seats away. — Exchange. S Examiner ((Jnesioning aiijdi- cant for life-saving jolii — ^^'llat would yon do if yon saw a woman being washed out to sea".' A]i])iicant — IM Ihrow lier a cake of soaji. l']xaminer — A\'hy a cake of soa]>? Apiilicant — To wash her back. S Love others as thyself. Iiiit not thy neighbor's wife. Hazel: Don't yon know why 1 \\\'\\ wishers win well wishes. relnsed yon ? I'o as ye wo\dd be done liy. Howard : 1 can't think. * » » Hazel: Yon guessed it.— "Top- -Frame" not thy enemy lest ye ics of the Day"' Films. |„, "iianied". Ifs a good thing fish cant talk. Always put olf until tomorrow Imagine a tish cackling every time ^^^„^^, yj^,, „.„„i,i ,[„ UnV.iy. it laid an egg! — Lyre. . » -» » *^ A bird in the air is worth I wo A trouble planter often reaps on ;l woman's hat. his own cro]) in aliundance. — ••Ee- » « « sops Film Fables."^Fablcs I'ic- ^ good deed a day will chase tnres. Jnc. trouble away. S \- .. * It'sa rare bird, beast, or be- Catty remarks are usually jnirr- ing that kn()\\s its real friends. sonal. ■» I ... ^ + I I Eat With Your Friends I They Eat With Us CHESLEY'S 'TME rOI'CLAR BESTAURANT Our Meal Tickets Save You ;\Ioney 007 Goodwill Avenue, Urbana One Block East of Chemistry Building +., — 1 Going to College? You II Need a Corona A student wlio lias no ty]>ewriter is badly liaiidica[iped these days. Notes — themes, thesis, all must be tyjiewrit- ten to bring the best marks. Corona's patented folding feature makes possiliir all the advantages of a big ryi)ewriter in this wondcrrnlly con- venient little li l-li lb. machine. $5 a Month Will Buy One. Phone Us ! R. C. WHITE & CO. 612 E, (iieen St. Phone Main lt22 Co RON A The Personal Writing Machirie TYPEWRITERS FOR RENT + [32] How Do Hot Things Cool? THE blacksmith draws a white-hot bar from the forge. It begins at once to cool. How does it lose its heat? Some is radiated, as heat is radiated by the sun; but some is carried away by the surrounding air. Now suppose the bar to be only one-half the diameter; in that case it loses heat only half as fast. Smaller bars lose in proportion. It would seem that this proportion should hold, however much the scale is reduced. But does it? Does a fine glow- ing wire lose heat in proportion to its diminished size? The Research Laboratories of the General Electric Company began a purely scientific investigation to ascertain just how fast a glowing wire loses heat. It was found that for small bodies the old simple law did not hold at all. A hot wire .010 in. diameter dissipates heat only about 12 per cent more rapidly than a wire .005 in. diameter instead of twice as fast as might be expected. The new fact does not appear very important, yet it helped bring about a revolution in lighting. It had been found that a heated filament in a vacuum evaporated like water and that this evaporation could be retarded by introducing an inert gas such as nitrogen or argon. But it had long been known that the presence of gas in the ordinary incandescent lamp caused so much heat to be carried from the filament that the lamp was made use- less. The new understanding of the laws of heat from wires, however, pointed out a way of avoiding the supposed necessity of a vacuum. By forming the fine tungsten filament into a helix the heat loss was made much less prominent. The light radiated is then about the same as if the wire were stretched out, but the heat loss through the gas is very much less. So the tightly coiled filament was put into the gas-filled bulb — and a new lamp was created. At the same cost it gave more and better light. Thus pure research, conducted primarily to find out how hot things cool, led to the invention of the gas-filled lamp of today— the cheapest, most efficient illuminant thus far produced. Sooner or later research in pure science enriches the world with discoveries that can be practically applied. For this reason the Research Laboratories devote much time to the study of purely scientific problems. GesieraAElectric Company General Office Schenectady, N. Y. BUY YOUR I BOOKS AND i SUPPLIES ! MONDAY ! AND ! TUESDAY I AVOID THE RUSH »|,m: m, — ih. m. i»— .lu — ii*|t Freshmen ! Buy Early— You Save Money , — ^. BUY YOUR BOOKS AND SUPPLIES MONDAY AND TUESDAY AVOID THE ! ! RUSH ! I 1 4 4, Trade at the Co-Op Oh The Square BOOKS : FOUNTAIN PENS : PENNANTS LAUNDRY BOXES : ATHLETIC GOODS ELECTRICAL GOODS : WIRELESS GOODS ENGINEER'S SUPPLIES : STATIONERY TOILET ARTICLES : ARTISTS' SUPPLIES : : KODAKS : CIGARS : AND : GIFTS Get acquainted with this great college store. It supplies your needs at lowest prices. It saves you money; renders quick, honest, efficient sei-vice. If our goods are not satisfac- tory we make them good. This is a store of satisfaction and where you feel at home. Telegraph station — Free phones — rest rooms. We urge you to buy your supplies before classes meet, thereby avoiding the rush and possible shortage of stocks. We can tell you what you need for eveiy course you take. If we sell you the wrong goods we will take them back. BUY I EARLY I IT 1 PAYS j U. of I. Supply Store The Co-Op On the Square Buy Early— It Pays + — „_. + I BUY i I EARLY ! I IT I I PAYS I y :':."' '•'if?' r f A .•»m«. •5*: t*.'i\ — ■ 1 • • « JOS. KUHN & CO. JOS. KUHN & CO. 118^ Creer Room Loyalty Clothes Style Assurance THERE'S an indescribable confidence that comes from stylish dress. Good clothes give assurance to any man whether he's at a foot- ball game or a formal dance. Our Society Brand clothes offer unusually at- tractive styles for Young Men this Season. 33-35-37 Main Street CHAMPAIGN Reverse Romance The linivest moon \v;is waxiiij; l>i-iglit, A'glowing iu the sky ; Ami (111 this earth two lovers sat And one ol' them was I. Said she, "The iiioon is smiliiii; down, He"s laugiiinj; at us liere". Said I, "Tlie moon is smiling bright. He's smiling with us, dear". The harvest moon was waxing bright. One lover there to see; The harvest inoonAVell, she was right, liecause the laugh's on me. — A.L.S. Don't vou thinlc it's rather sillv- A Moral Without a Fable -^'"^ nnsoi.er- Little girls with hollow teeth ^o portray this lady chilly- JIREN Musical Appreciation 56 The baml loiuluclor, as a means of flnisliing his concert with a bit of simplicity and vivacity, had his mus- icians in the midst of an "everybody- forhimselt" renditiiiii of "Tliere'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight". The intoxicated person who occupied the seat next to me. and who had been a disinterested listener up to this time, was now" undergoing an emotional crisis. Tears streamed down his cheeks. When the number was finished he leaned over to me, and with confiding pathos exclaimed, "what shympathetic bunch of muzishans". I asked him how he could enjoy such an uninspir- ing piece of music. He replied, "My wife hash been away. Comsh home tonite. Bottle of gin on library table. She'll beat me home. O-hic-hell". J.L. -S- shouldn't chew gum. — A.-':25. Ill October'.' Euphemia A stlidt'iil who Ixiaidcd on (iiceii Had no eartiily use for a bean: He'd go to the Delly And till \^^ on Almost evervtliinii but. t" I i I S I I THE NEW Southern Tea Room Corner of Green and Sixth Streets Second Floor Lunches, Afternoon Teas, Dinners Banquets, Parties SERVICE SUPREME PHONE MAIN 4203 I I I I [11 jmEN Zoological Studies (^'l-l■)^al snapshots taken in the purlieus of Learning and Labor) The Janitor who asserts ids iudepeudance and equality by sweeping over tlie boots of the passer-by. The Ernest Young Man who thinks that his in- structors like long conferences with him. Tlie grim Summer Worker, who would rather know how to teach than what to teach. The Egg, who quotes Kipling to illustrate his emotions. The otherwi.se Nice Ciirl — gingham frocks and lace frocks — who values a Thrill almost as she values a Cherry Boston. The musty Music Master wlio denounces Irving Berlin as a menace to our Poor Dear Yotmg People. The sentimental Saxophonist who thinks the Nocturnes of C'liopin are liigli))row and effeminate. The nervous girl wlio know nineteen ways of tearing up a soda straw. The Demon who is cluvrful before breakfast. — Summer Scout. S About the only inspiration one can get out of a rliet. 1 class is the deep breath that always comes when tlie class adjourns. ■^^-F GARMENT Pep Snap Style See Gelvin for Good Looking Clothes- Priced Right GELVIN'S CLOTHES SHOP I you Did you ever stop to consider what convenience means in establisliing bank- ing relations. AVe do a general banking business and you are particularly invited to avail vourself of om- service. D Safety Deposit Boxes 3% on Savings I The University State Bank j of Champaign I Cap'.tal stock $50,000.00 1 [2] Mr. and Mrs. Jimmie The ARCADE CONFECTIONERY Drinks Luuches Candies SPECIALLY PREPARED MEATS for SANDWICHES •Tolmston's, Whitman's, Buute's and Morses Box Candv I I ! ■4 JIUEN The Pragmatic Lover You'll admit, cause it's Hue. little woman. If vou'ir in-('tty. yoti're i-atlici- blase. And I can't even hope to impress yon By a movie or auto ride gay; I must take yon ilanccs and theatres, Must spend dollars you'll never miss. Can you blame me, oh damsel so costly. If at jiartinj; I steal just one kiss"? Xow the iiroblem I face isn't simi)le, I'd like to be friendly you km>\v: A\'ould yon tliiid< me a cad if I kissed you'.' If I didn't would you think 1 was slow'/ A.L.S. Films Developed nd Printed 25^^i Arty Size Send 25c per roll of six which we will develop, print and return same day received. Three cents rebated on all blank, imperfect or non-printable films. Highest grade professional workmanship guaranteed. Perfect system insures against any possible loss of films. 8x10 Enlargement Free Enclose any favorite old negative with your order and we will make you a handsome 8x10 enlarge- ment free, if you send us the name and address of another Kodaker. 20% Saved on All Photo Supplies Your first 25c order brings coupons and member- ship privilege in our co-operative buying service, giving you 209! cash saving on cameras, films and all standard photo supplies. Money back guarantee. Mail Order Film Service Box 379-E Milwauk-ee, Wis. For Better, More Wholesome Food UNDER SAME M.4NAGEMENT AS COURT HOUSE CAFE Gilliland's Cafeteria Race Street, .Inst olV .Main A cafeteria distinguished from the rest by the supreme quality of its food and the cleanliness of its service lllltlllKIUII llllKIIIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIllllllllllll Students tind our Service most satisfying. rUHAXA The liiu'sl, most modern Cafeteria ill llic Twin Cities [3] MWEM Jane the Jingled All absent youug lady named Jane Would never come in from the rain; For this cause and others, Her three brothers, had to lead her about on a -S- Has It Come to This, Elmer ? •■^^'ill you take me to our dance Friday night, Jerry?" "Sure, tickled to death Marge". "That will be awfully nice of you. If it would n't be too much trouble you could come and get me after the dance, too. You know. Bob lives way over on the other side of town and I hate for him to have to come so far to get me when the dance is being given so close to his house." — J.L. S Reward ! This, nies amis, is the gent who whistles Avalon on the street, in the Lincoln liall corridors, in booths at Mosi's, and in his own sanctum santorum. The Siren offers as reward for his capture, dead or alive, 1 i>air of linsey-woolsey golf breeks, 1 ten- nis ball, almost new, and a copy of Mrs. Brownings Sonnets. 5^^^^f^=! -^*-^*^'^^- iirMii^^ifrinT»i'Ti Prices on STETSON HATS for FALL averaging 25% lower than last year No one questions the taste of tlie chap who sportsaStetson. Abso- lute style in every line. Just as much a part of the smart college outfit as pep and enthusiasm is a part of campus 1 ife. Stetson Style Stetson Siuality Stetson Money 's IVorth The same today as for 56 years assured bv the Stetson Quality Mark in Every Hat STETSON HATS John B. Stetson Company, Philadelphia ^ss^^ U. of I. SUPPLY STORE-On the Square Books An educated person is exiiected not only to know books, l)ut to own those tiiat mean tiie most to liim. We carry a lot of good books — standard sets and cur- i-ent works in fiction, drama, i)oetry, biography. Come in and browse. * Writing Materials Wliatexer yon need for writing — jtaper to lit all pur ])oses — ]H'iis to tit all tists — ink to tit all eyes — we have ready for you. U. of I. SUPPLY STORE Green and Wright ON THE SQUARE Champaign s^:»>s^:«>^s:»>s^:»>^ ^ 14] HKCN PLATE LUNCH AT ALL HOURS Music Every Sunday Afternoon and Evening W^ ARE NOW PREPARE!:) TO GIVE YOU HOME COOKING. HOME BAKED PIES and CAKES SERVICE PREHN and PALMER CONFECTIONERY AND LUNCHEONETTE University District , Corner Green and Sixth Streets I I + . ._, „ , ._, „ ._.._. + PRINTING - MULTIGRAPHING TYPEWRITING - ADDRESSING PROMPTLY AND EFFICIENTLY PRODUCED BY EXPERTS AT THE COMMERCIAL SERVICE CO. W. F. FAULKNER Office: 9 Taylor St. Manarjcr Phone: 2263 Garfield I I I I 4. ._._. ._..-» „— . . . . ■— " + 16] Mwm ;MiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiinniiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiMaiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiitiiniiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiitiiiMiii]i!]iiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiMiiiii^ aiiiiiiiiiiiiQiiiiiiiiiiiiDii 'An Optimist is a Fellow Who Still Carries a Corkscrew " On Stationery The paper of printed matter is more than a common carrier of type. It has a message of its own. There are dainty, feminine papers, rugged mascuhne papers, papers that suggest class, cost and quaUty. Tlie stationery you use is your own representative. Our stock of writing paper contains rugged bonds and vellums, dainty deckle edge linens, and beautiful gray polo cloth. STUDENTCUPPLYQT0RE 'in^_ f Jaar(U'(i yon with flat, (Inll eyes. In those rare clays I'm learning late to prize — Relieve me, kid, yon flnng a mean tnreen. — Corporal Charles. S A Matter of orthography and Mis- placed Modifiers. Fifteen freshmen have signed up for the Starve Course, at the Beta house. — Item. I was Angus MacBlott, Of County MacBlott lovi/a. My dad played the organ In the Presbyterian Church. My ma sang in the choir. My sister practised her Cerny And Bergmuller faithfully 'till she got married. And I Bought a sax And some blue and yellow Stickers, and a Laundry mailing case, And rented a room, and Became an lllini. But I couldn't resist Tootling my Sax, By my open window, On fine nights — So obviously The Boneyard got me. Ode to a Hickey Oh, terror of the bravest, Hated by all men. Oh horror to the beautiful. To yon this pome I pen. The prettiest of maidens Yon transform into freaks; The Jiandsomest of gentlemen You uglify for weeks. Oil, just before the party, And just before the ball Yon come to us, O IMmple; I hate you over all. — A.L.S. S He: My how clean this page is, She: Yes I just swept it with my eye. An obscure landscajie ]>:iiiiter named (iage Chewed up hrnsii after biiish in his rage; "Par Satirus!" he fumed — ( For his day's work was iked. Drusilla concludes that the punch must lie spiked, since no one save one full of spiked punch would state that such punch was not spiked. Do you get a kick out of that? Symbolism in Literature ''Learn to draw on your imagination'', was tiie advice tlie editor gave to the Ms])iriiig writer. So the clever young man drew a sli-aight line across a piece of blank paper. His salary was raised. S It was a liark night. He was ineliriated — a lightning-bug on the tip of his nose, was trying to out shine the irridescence of the bulbous probos- cis. And so, home; whistling "Lead Kindly Light". SIREN Oct. a — Not wishing to lU-ti-acI from my (hilly endeavors, to-wit tJie comiiiliiig of a day (o day chronicle of my doings, yet at the same time wish- ing to cede to the demands of tiie slave di-iver who rooms directly above me, and who, odds wots, pub- lisjies this liliel to the good mime of Jiunior, 1 again take my battered Sniitli on my knee at tlie iimiiiii- ent risk of ruining mine hozen, and make the at- tempt. Up at the crack o' the morn, to the rooms of labor, and so to bed, none the wiser "spite the at- tempts of various and sundry congenial crackers of the tomes, who did their liest with me, i" faith. So to bed. Oct. 6— Roused, the morn, by denisous of a rival eating club who wished my vote at the elec- tions, come Oct. 14, liut did scorn them and jiuU the blankets over mine ears, for i'faith there is but little I ken of politics, though I cast a wicked bal- lot when properly informed by the projier autlior- ities. But one must look to one's supporters, a say- ing equally as sound in the realm of votes and vot- ers as in a haberdashery. Oct. 7 — My Lord Co(dey, coming to the fore with a suggestion I needs nuist list to his plea. Sir CooUey, infesting the same room, to-wit being my room-mate I wouldst out witli the thing before he hounds me to an early demise. In fact the situa- tion i.s this: Sir Ciiet Davis (save the mention of tiie name) was loath to repay Sir "Doc'' last Mar- tinnuis for four tickets to a Flask and Bottle pro- duction yclept "Our Children", (though i' faith I know Sir Cliet has none) and was promi.sed ]iayment when the Chi Omega's had settled their debts. Now Sir Doc would know from Sir Chet, "have the girls |iaid uji? if so, where at's my sheckles"/" So, Sir Chet, here's the message. Oct. 8 — Our friend the iiulilisJier, not remember- ing that this time one year ago come Alicliaclmas he was driven liy my demands, ajijiears now witli the stern order. "Chop otf. Sam, whatinell d'ye think I'm running, an aiuiual report"/'' so otf with tlie lihald witticism — and so to the shucks. Ill] HREN The Arcade Philosopher A dollar expended iu joining the Illinois Union is a first rate in- vestment at present. One vote is worth over a dollars worth of "cokes". "Be nobly earnest", quoted the intellectual sister as she gazed on the six pins that adorned her roommate's dresser. The "college" slicker expi'essed the same sentiments when he found that three of his surest for- mal prospects had lieeu comparing notes. The sweet young co-ed told us road houses just fascinated her. You know the kind where you can get nice young chickens. Then she was insulted when we laughed That reminds us the innocent tlungs must have a great store of that intangible asset of all women, intuition. She becomes indignant when we laugh at her ingenuous remarks, but never can understand why we are laughing. It has been reported that the would be managers of candidates for class presidents hope to be chairmen of the various class dances. We presume they wish to be sure of obtaining tickets. Or perhai)s it is merely stationary. Of course we realize that the naturalists contend that we can love more than one girl. But few aside from Floyd Dell, and the university fashion plate, claim they can love more than one at the .same time. We've seen it done at that, in a porch swing ; when a big strong man had a young thing on either side. Tlie walking clothes rack who is always singing about the cellar sister he drew on his blind date, doesn't often consider how his charms may have appealed to the girl in question. Back Again Blues Come drown your sorrows iu a coke, let tears be uncoufiued, for we are back to college grub to get our stomachs lined. No more on mother's food we dine, no more we'll fill on beef, ham sandwiches and malted milk must assuage our grief. Alas, there is no cookie box on John, or Green, or Wright. No Xtantry shelves invite our teeth before we sleep each night. For months we've fed on sirloins rare, on stuff that mother makes. Today we start on Ham- burgers, farewell to roasts and steaks. Oh college days may be a joy, indeed there is no question, I get an education rare and also indigestion. — A.L.S. The Modest Mortician For years the village undertaker, with high silk hat and frock coat, had always held the center of the stage at funerals. When ever anyone in the town died, that was the signal for him to be the whole show, stalking about here, directing something there, serenely conscience of liis great importance till the burial was over. Just as one of the prominent citizens died, a new undertaker came to town and got the job. The affair came off very solemnly, quietly and sedately. "What I like about you," said one of the de- ceased's i-elatives, as he paid the bill, "is that you give the corpse a chance." — A.L.S. [12] HREN "Vie use croquet balls nJn The old game of football is entering the field this year not only as the prime King of mid-winter sports, but as King of Kings as far as other years go. Walter, who writes in the Trib, and Al, and Potsy (our own) all say so, so it is. Seriously. * * « * Zup. the one and original Simon Legree, according to Jack Crangle. our "humping fool", is sure tearing up the earth these days. About every second or third day. Zup has to give 'em a rest. On those days, practise only goes until 6:30. Any other day. the stars are on deck before the warriors troop in. » « * * It is whispered hereabouts that Iowa, on a recent Saturday afternoon, scored a certain number of points on our team. This is bad news for all of us. We are filled with regret — but — after the first shock o' the news it occured to us that the Iowa game was but the first one of the year— and— ARE WE DOWNHEARTED? 'Should SAY-Y-V NOT! Not changing the subject any, but does anyone want the job of milking the cow that furnishes the milk that goes to the warriors? Adv. * -» * * "Twenty years ago today" — Illinois footballers et red meat. Today it's white milk! 'What would the shade of Pom Sinnock say to that? * * * * Burt Ingwersen is having the time of his lite show- ing the younguns how it's done. One frosh remarked how- ever that his chances were gone. He stepped on one — only one — of Burt's feet the other night. I feel sorry for that kid. but he was outside a ring of devotees surround- ing Burt when it happened. How comes? — Well anyway — » * * * The Michigan Whisper predicts another rotten year in football. You'll remember that the whole darn team was afflicted with hay-fever, cramps, Charley colts and what not just before that memorable battle at Ann Arbor last year. So if the ends and the quarter get off the rattler this year wearing splints, crutches and red neckties, don't get boistrous about the battle being over mother . Mister Yost always has some of that Canadian border pep. * ♦ * * Two years from today and the big horseshoe will be nailed together. Maybe we wont feel swell then. Golly! See you later. — Terrance. Apologium Bootlegorum I. Me name is O'Grady Me mother's a lady Me father most strangely's a man Me trade is bootleggin' Me childer arc beggin' Me better half's rushin' the can. II. Time was, me profession Was hearin' confession Though nary a cassock 1 wore. I stood by the bar rail An' listened to each tale Of drunks as they lay on the floor. 111. Then times died a-bornin' Now aivnin an mornin' I'm schlippin' in town in a van Eludin' the coppers Removin' the stoppers To help every leather mouthed man. IV. They've ruined me ratin' Be much agitatin' Sassiety frowns on me trade. Though my situation Don't give me elation 'Tis better than swingin' a spade. — G.V.B. llalton lloif [13] SUSEN Our Loci Slim Pickens is tlie boy at the Koppa Sigarette menage-rie who says "I'm the soap . . " and gets away with it. He is the only man in the University who can lay back on a divan while the women fight it out in the front hall, and then be content with the winner. Slim believes in the adage, "Take 'em young, don't treat "em at all and may the best woman win". Football is not all hardship. Of course if you make the team and all — but here's Marion. He signs up and sticks until kicked out, but until then he has all the privi- leges of the uniform and everything. And Clarisse does .so love a strong, virile mna. Of course Marion isn't so bulky in his B.V.D.'s, but what they don't know don't hurt 'em — is his motto. Lawyers are not athletes, although they might classify in Spanish activities. Therefore this is not a lawyer. His air of finesse, of being "among the bon mot" comes from his long association with the elite at the next door pool hall. If the truth of the matter he known he is a night watchman at the day nursery. But then the camaradie of the sportsman often covers a more mediocre character with a film of reflected glory. Among our minor sports (no one over twenty-one would stoop to it) is prominently listed the game of "put and take". It is played with a small top. Archie and Reggie are now engaged in this ferocious struggle .which consists of Archie putting and Reggie taking. When Archie is fini they will put out the light and take to the coverlets. [14] athletics JIREN ft«.-;£ h /^'-/^ Horace Hasdrubal Hawkins is not anemic. His looks belie him. Horace has his round of tennis daily, unless his studies interfere, and he insists on really violent exercise at times. "Why, at the last Christian Endeavor party Horace tatted two complete tats in one evening (whatever that is.) He is "out" for the net team, and unless the coach goes to sleep on the' job will soon be out for good. Theron and Andrew were rivals in politics last Spring. The contest went against Theron. But now .... ah! ha! The two rival frats, lota Eta Pi and Phi Phi Alpha, are battling off the intramural basketball title. Neither Theron nor Aubrey knows much about basketball, but look at the chance to get back for the dirty things said in Ihe canyjaign. Apparently llie contest this time will be a draw. A. Bougham Driver, pride of the Delta Flushes is about to introduce to you the famous and much played guessing game, so aptly termed "Woosit?" He will call a number on the phone, ask for Agnes, and when she says hello he will say, "Hello Agnes, Betcha can't guess who this is?" They will bicker back and forth for an hour while the brothars and sisters cuss and yearn for the phone ,then perhaps he will get a date — perhaps not. When the first cold winds hit up Green and John and Daniels streets the elder fralers break out the freshmen for the inter-frat relays. Augustus, who was misadvert- ently pledged by the Tappa Nu Kegs who thought he was a freshman the Kappa Clima.x gang got, is running for the honor of the old frat. All he wants now is to get even with the Soph, who told him he could run as well in house slippers as track shoes. [15] "KNOW THYSELF" An August Day Dream [16] HREN HELLO GIRLS! Riioul Harvey, now converted to a jAane of h'ujher Uhalx, has rcxolrat to hriiihten the dateless studij- liours III (lie lllhiii'is ('ii( o'■■' ^:' O Reader, do not hastily Admire this pretty thing— For though she swingeth lustily, 'tis but a practice swing. [20] smm For Cultured Boys and Girls {A)i)ioii)ici)i(j tlir J'libUctiliaii of thr llliiinis Magaz i)ic, that Ciiiima of l^riniiiar I/ife) Our literary Magazine, suriiaiuod The Illinois, Preserves its dignity serene, despite the rowdy noise Wliieli atlia-letes and journalists may lualce upon the Campus: With pure wliile gems and aniadiisls of words the ilag doth vamp us. Lem Phillips is the Editor; he is a quizzic clia]); For tales lie's no ciunpelitor : I sat u|)on ins lap Some two-score years or more ago, and as u little child I listened to tlie constant flow of language strange and wild. « » * * And now, in acadenuc sliade. Lemuel has done with lighting The battles of the roving blade; for you and nu' he's writing The quiet pages of his Mag., — for cultured girls and boys — • Our literai-y Magazine, siirnamed The Illinois. — Phinias Pigge. We Object to the Knicker Girls Let the Modern Woman, iuidudiug the Modern Flapper, be as Bolshevic as she likes in all thoughts and most acts; let her snu^ke, cuss, vote (of course), play horseshoe, go wading, ride bicycles, roller- skate, break windows, ring doorbells, read the Whiz- bang, the Siren, and the Police Gazette — let her do all these, and more — but in the name of Iilarth's scroll of fair women — of Semiramis, Cleo, Helen, Ko.saraond, Nicolette, Mrs. Syddons, and Anne I'en- n'ington — let her keep to her sweet and decorative impractibility in the matter of Clothes! And, all in all, we thiidc she will. Live and Learn King Solomon and King David Led merry merry lives ; As lime wore on tliey wedded, A many. in:iiiy wives. Rut when old age cre|>t over them, \\'ilh many, many (pialms. King Solomon wrote the Proverbs, King David wrote the Psalms. — Found in deserted MSS. S . . Futures The extinct Yohippus remarked To his cousin the little Ti-kee, "This moorland where we two aie ])arked. In an age or so (Jreen street will be " His cousin Tikee then replied, "If such change be in store tor this land. It is time that I lay down and died ; It's a life that 1 never could stand." S • When In Rome A gluttenous youth from Xew ^'ork. Used to sneak out o' niglils and eat pork. Rut his Father said "Ike, "When such goodies you like. You aint got no biz' in New York."' ■ S ■ — Mother, have Father get breakfast; I'm NOT to be (ineen of (he May! [21] HREN Family Tragedy Sans Paroles s The Golden Road HaiVmy aivuy on a road of gold In a ship of dazzling white, Romance is lost as the shadoics fold Over the sunset light . The sea is culm, the ski/ is clear. The ship is a silhouette Into the sun to disappear Before the sun can set. A smile of love in a happy hour, A wraith of lovely mist; A promise made in a faery howcr At a lonely gohlin's tryst. A promise made and heaven was nca^ Broken and heaven tvas lost ; Happy ski('S are grey and dread, Fair trees are tempest-tossed. Romance is gone on that ship of gold. Gold in the sunset light. The hope of youth is grey and old, As evening turns to night. S Speaking of Romance — has it oc- cnred to yon tliat, tlumgli tlie n-ed pipe ot Pan is now lieyed and bent to the cnotonr of a saxophone, and thongh the Castilian troubadov of ohl. with liis guitar amid the ivy vines, has made way for the motor trnck and twelve- piece orchestra, and thongh Avalt)n has long lieen de-located and sold in the mart for a (piarter per copy — that disjiite all this and more- the moon is still large and yellow through the mists, unclianged, unceiisored? Wright Street Wright Street andiles Like a sprightly old lady Past the sprightly campus. Child alive ! Can you blame me If I turn and look At the bevy of cuties Who pass? They trip silkily To the porch Of their beloved Sorority, Where wait Sundry dazzling youths With cigarettes, And low collars. And I pass on. Here conies Sam Raphaelson Howdy, Sam! And I pass on. Another sorority ; Another bevy Of cuties. A long black car Swoops up to the "Horse block" And carts away Its quota Of cuties, to a Conversational Elysium Of love, mutual friends, Dance after next, I'arfaits, and scandal. And I pass on. More door plates. More Greek letters, Jlore cuties — Then the Y AA' C A — Two committee members Sit on the steps \Vaiting for Somebody. I pass on. The Union! Soles of shoes Peeping coyly Over the pordi rail. Wreaths of smoke And many contidences. And the faint tap Of typewriters. (Dear sir: Build That Stadium for Fighting lUini. The Idle, Idyllic Idol When morn erupts upon tlie Nile And Sol bestows a crooked smile On the Pragmatic Crocodile Who eeleth on his way. The ibis uttered his wail, And then the melancholy snail Zigzags a wierd and lonely trail As he devours his prey. A. lazy idol by the stream Engrossed bad verses by the ream And carelessly, as it would seem. Set them afloat. But some ship, without a bridle, Hit a wave, and it was tidal — It moistened woefully the idyll That the idle idol wrote — A-'l25. S DID YOU EVER FOLLOW SOME- THING LIKE THIS ALL THE WAY TO AN EIGHT O'CLOCK? AND DID IT SPOIL YOUR DAY? S Have you a pet scheme for Re- forming the World? Write to the SIREN about it. If it's funny enougli, she will print it. Slie is interested in your schemes. [22] Niair 77i/.s' pagr, thix month iinnii/unitrd. xhiiU hi rniniiKntly dcvotid to trrsr, liiiixril, iiiodcnitil 1/ so/ilioiiiorir coniiiirnt (HI tuples which <-itii, irilhout undue xtrex.s ujiou the fauei/, lie xuhheaded under the xeren diix. It ix conducted by Olaf Burge. Til tlu'so (lays of liti'i-ary inrsdus who do not write and (for the sake of tlie i)ara(h)xl writers who are not literary it is a delight to hear of the sale of a sliort story wliicli liroiijiht an "A" from Mr. Weirick in Khetorie 7. Tiie interesting yonng author of this story is H. I. McEldowny, "22 whose name apjieared on the eover of Adventure, issne of Oetoher twelftli. The material for his story — its name is Solomon — was gleaned |)artly from Mr. .McKldowney"s exjierienees in the southwest and jiartly from Hi.story 51a, under Professor Olmstead. Mr. McEldowuey spent last summer in the West. Tliis. eoui>led with another history course, should soon result in another successful story. * * * * Something that we like doing ou Sundays, is to attend four o'clock organ concert. There is nothing like having a hearty and well-appointed meal, then smoking an hour or .so in a not too positive manner, and finally wandering to the Auditorinm for an hour's music. Just to sink down in a semi-coma, and let strains of "Finlaudia". or whatever it may he, drift into one's being, is a near touch of that much talked-of suburb. Paradise. » » » e 'Tother evening wliile jawing with the Herr Doktor Hillebrand, he took iis all in a heap by an- nouncing that, iu his estimation, Scaiiegrace U. J. Nathan is too highbrow. You can light it out. I have to meet a bill. * « * * "While it is a little to late to mention enter- tainment for jtrospective victims, our apple-cheeked fraternity men may them.selves get no small delec- tation from "A Song of India". It is an eminently res]iectable dance record, played by Paul C. White- man's Orchestra. The verso is taken up with a Terpsichorean version of "I'n bel di veilremo" from "Jladama Rntterfly''. (Traditionalists may be glad to know that no less person than an lllinoix man plays the saxaphone in both i-ecordings.) *■::■»* The bulk of that large, young, recumi)aMt beast called the Student Body consists of inert, gray- miuded individuals who spend here four years in a contented daze, m.iking their •■(■"' average and watch- ing other peo|de without seeing them. The remain- der of the Body are the other iieo[ile. few in nuudier, who take it n|ii)n themselves to keej) this Little Elysium in motion. The least that the Bulk of the Body can do is to support the activities of the Otiier People. All tills by way of i-ecommencling to ytm, (pres- ent company excepted) the Illinois Magazine — the ^■arsity of the \'erbal Athletes. « * ■» » Because everybody loves an athlete, es]K'cially one with an "I" over his wishbone, the SIKION has with this issue inaugurated a column of unlearned, but enthusiastic, sport dope. Page thirteen — for luck. Xo harm, surely, can accrue to anyone con- cerned if the Siren permit herself the luxury of an occasional recommendation. It is a matter of rec- ord that, if a book be touted either for good or for bad to five thousand assorted souls, some small proportion of the five thousand are bound to read that book. The proportion varies, I am told, from .0023% to .1009%, directly with the authority and reputation of the recommendation. In the light of these statistics, we make bold to direct your attention to a fairly "'old'' novel, by one Knut Hamsun, entitled "Growth of the Soil'". It has the double distinction of being published by Knopf in two volumes. The binding is a tasty blue, on which is superimposed title letters of China red. It will look well in your shelves, if you haven't too many yellow books. Tile other day we were jolted out of our usual class-room coma l)y lieai-iiig our geology lu-ofessor ciuotiiig "Pinafore". The Welt.sclunerz is no more, \ive la Mctorianismel S In passing, it might be well to remaik that "you don't want lo miss" a heaoiiii Byrne. [23] HfiEN Dogmas By I'lIINIAS TlGGE GOOD (things I like) People wIki never sla]) others on the back. Sitting by a tire. Roast goose. Waffles. Girls with gentle voices. Admiration. Talking about the war. The New Republic. Wei- rick's classes. Some part of Green street. Camels, "^^'edding invita- tions. Admiration. Old ladies. Bizarre pyjamas. English ways of spelling. Hot poetry. Loud neckties. Tlie library steps. Pub- licity. W. M. Thackery's stuff. Buck Buchanan's stories. Nnjol advertisements. Admiration. Pri- vacy. Cook books. Cooks. People who know how to laught, but don't. Wool socks. BAD (Things I do not like) Street cars. Some cats. Egyi)- tian music and tobacco. Picnics. Work. Lightiung. People who cackle. People who don't like the things on my wall. Canary birds. Jlonday. Sinclaire Lewis. City water. Geraniums, Sorority porches. Sorority jokes. The sta- tues in the English semiary. Shav- ing. Psychoanalysis. Democracy. Aesthetic dancing. Surprises. Flies. Dance programs. Intellec- tual poetry. Being laughed at. Work. INDIFFERENT (Things I don't care about one way or another) People I don't know. Engineer- ing. Perfume. Phi Beta Kappa. Amateur musicales. Snakes. Danc- ing. Relativity. Long walks. Oth- ers' opinions. Sleep. Earnest peo- ple. Getting liair-cuts. Giraffes. I'olitics, per se. Cajjc Horn. Creased pants. Gravy. S "•liui Bilkins is dead". "How come?'' "He stuck liis liead into the Reok like. FLUNK — Nothing to write home about. CYNICISM— Growing j.aius. FRIDAY— The beginning of the end. SYSTEM,— A way of arranging Honor, Warner, and nerves. WORK — A tradition fostered by the College of Engineering. COW-BELLS — Device to deter- mine locus of cows and orchest- ras. DENTIST — The collegiate ottice- boy's-dead-grandmother. [24] JSOEN — + +—- KICKING! The World's Favorite Sport! Athletes, lllini and Mexican alike, would rather kick than eat. So would we. We kick about everything. You yourself probably kick now and then. Now — Let's get together on this kicking business. You kick in with a dollar and a quarter, And we'll kick out seven issues of Hundred proof Concentrated Bombastic KICK! T \ ' u ^ f \ Ifl . Make all checks payable to The Siren and mail to 107 University Hall, Urbana, 111. There's a Kick in the JIKEN DICK MINER Plumbing and Heating Contractor IDEAL HEATING BOILERS I'lioui' .Mjiii .■)(;! 219 West Main Street URBANA, ILLINOIS ■!• — [25] HREN Invite inr, to your houHc, lilcuse. — Elect tic Al iij DON'T have to lie coax- I ed", says Electric Al. Just ask hiiii to the lionse ami i)ut liim to work. He'll make yon see your workaday problems in a dif- ferent light. Whatever can be done electrically should be done that wav. lM;fJ«3ll4ibd:i|i CONSTRUCTION CO; INCr Ver>Hthinq electrical J^ OPP. INMAN HOTEL. i>HDNE EAR. |ai3 ' Those Cigar Stand Girls llniiied traveler: "l want some of that what-j-m-call-it, it's named after a man". Fair feminine clerk: "Oh, yon want Paul Mall?" S d< The Theorist "The proiier rollint; of cigaret- tes," explained the Exjiert, "is to he effected only througli patient ]>ractice. I will show you. First you fold the jtaper — so. Then you pour in the proper amount of Bull — so. Then twist it between the thumbs and the middle fingers, taking care that the latei-al edges are parallel. Then lick the u|)per edge, paste it to the lower — and there you are". So saying, the Expert drew a Fatinia from his case, lighted it, and str(dled a wav. Pure Ice Cream TRY OUR BOSTONS They Arc Special Schulefs On Main Street CHAMPAIGN ^III III The SIKEN wants an army of Contributors. pillers, crawfish, bacteria, bears, bullocks, or bison? Po you draw jiictures of Pretty Girls? Or of Or of anything else? Did your Folks have hopes of Dissapated Young ;Men? Or of Athletes, winning your being a Second (iibson? the game at a crucial point? Or of monkeys, cater- Get in touch with the Siren. She is interested. -1* WHITE LINE LAUNDRY DEPOT-"|VIAIN 406" 4*— ll.l~.|ln- [261 You will admire our workmanship in all lines of Dyeing and Cleaning Garments Called for and Delivered Promptly Carpets and Rugs Given Special Attention PARIS DYEING & CLEANING WKS. Call Main 1744 +- Epitaph It beats the band liow folks will weep. When you lie in a coffin fast asleep; Then they sing of your goodness in countless ways, While the parson preaches and tall;ineers Take Klietoric liccause they are Kind liearted. For as the}' say They doiit need none ^^'hen once they j;et Well started. I i I SIREN A new candy shoj) ill the iii'w Iniildinir KENNEDY' Q ANDIEO "lloilir i)f Sirrcl.f" We make our own candies in onr own shop. -+ + . , . ,„ , , — „,_,._. , ,._„,_.,_,„_. „„_. SENIORS! Over 1000 of you to be photographed for the ILLIO. UNTIL NOVEMBER FIRST TO DO THIS Don't be in the last minute rush. Call Main 1118 now for appointment which will assure you of the best in photography at the right price. Official Illio Photographer MAGUIRE STUDIO J. E. Magiiire 220 W. Main Street URBANA P. W. Stephens [27] JIREN 4.._„„_„._,„ „ . — ., .,_., — , — Ml—. ,» — ,_«_, — .._,_. — , — , „_._„„_.„_._.,_„_„ ^ .,_4. SEND IT TO GORDON'S FOR CLEANING 511 S. Goodwin Avenue /\ 1 >i U I IV tLOO 1 INI Vj 4232— Main Nearly Everybody Reads The Champaign News-Gazette There are a tew more than 10,500 homes in Champaign County. More than 9,200 of these homes are regular paid subscribers to The News-Gazette. Tliat's why we say "Nearly Everybody reads The Champaign News-Gazette. — + +r +"■ Better Printing Will Improve Your House Publication! We urge those in charge of Fraternity and Sorority House Publications to call and inspect samples of House organs we have printed. You will find our work to be of a superior quality and we are equipped to deliver either one of the popular four page folders or a big book like the Siren ILLINI PUBLISHING COMPANY On Green Street — Champaign ..,4. .4. +-« [28] A Pretty Prude Hv (". K. X. Is a CDiuiiKiii ]iai-;ulo.\. She is a ros('-|ilaiit that lias jiiveii its eiuM-fjy to jji-ow flmriis to i>i-ick tin- jiasserliy, but has noiu' to i)i-otec-t tlit' flowt-r. She thrives iu the advei-sity of otiieis. Init witliers at the slijihtest blow to lici-scH'. Tiiose who hick beauty many c-oiiceivably object to the enjoyment of it by otiiefs, hut in-ndisliness in one en(b)wetl with natni-al pnlcliritnile is liien ; G. W. Lawrence Music Store The only ])laee you have a clioice of records, Columbia, \'ictor, or Brunswick. Col- undiia, Brunswick and ^'ic- tor phonograjihs. Come in and let us demonstrate the different tones for you. We also have a large line of string instruments and Saxaphones. G. W. LAWRENCE I j 112 W. Main Street I URBANA I "MIKE", said tlie judge sternly, "the testimony shows that yon hit tliis man twice." "I did not, y'r lionor," dechired tlie defendant stoutlv. "The fiir-st time I hit him I missed him." 1st. Coed: "I kissed Bob last night." 2nd Chicken: "Is that right?" 1st Co-ed: "No. but it"s so." — Jester. Zona Gale, who wrote Miss Lulu Bet, hdnored the caniims with her presence last week-end. We did not have the pleasure of meeting her. We confess, in deed, that we are inclined to be a trifle non])lnssed in the i)resence of that iiersoiiage. For we, subjected to the aiuilytical eye which tore into the souls of the Lulu Belt characters, feel that our iiiiworlliiiiess would lie mure than we could bear. *,l m im nil lin iiu uii m. iin m mi mi mi m mi iiu m. mi booth. Till' "plioiK- was in list- — ^liefore Bill slint the tloor Ik'- liiiid liim he heard a brother sav. ••(luess who this is". Tell uiiuutes later the gue.ssiiij; contest was still on. '•('heck out of here I" yelled the e.\as]K'rated Hill to the couvei'sa- tioiial servant. "iSay wliat you have to say and hang up. 1 can't wait all night". The rei)tiliau brother obeyed, sulkily, aud went his ways.. Bill enteretl the booth. "Main 4919. Anno Domini. " he demanded. After the ojierator lu'.d the company lay the wires be- tween the two connections — "Marie there'?" "Hello Marie? .... (lucss icho //(/•s- is!" And so on. — J.F.L. J]fi£N Dance Programs PARKER FOUNTAIN PENS STATIONERY BULLETINS Our work has a quality and distinctiveness that we feel certain will appeal to you GEO. D. LOUDEN PRINTING CO. n'aJiiut St., Ctiainpaign 4 .- WE SUPPLY ICE CREAM For church festivals, fairs, banquets and other large gatherings where food refresh- ments are served. We guarantee prompt deliveries of the best ice cream made un- der strictest sanltan.- conditions and shall be pleased to arrange with committes and others for supplying this best of all refreshments and deserts. Champaign Ice Cream Co. Bell 175 115-117 E. University Auto 2107 .4. 4m- I I I I I I 1 1 i I I I I I 1 f i i I I s I I E I I 3 I i I +- cflliaa^ Cafeteria 610 East Green St. Popular Prices [31] HREN Eighteenth Century Love {THE LAST TIME I WAS HOME— I foniycd ill the (jarrit, in the hojic that my old fixliiiif/hfxits might come to tight. The hoots, alas, I fi'ar arc goiir forever, for thr l'i(j(j< ruts icrrr ever lorcrs of good Para rubhcr; get the search iras not irHIioiit jili'iis- iiiy result, for in a yelloircd and rackety old lielloirs- valine I found my Great (Irandame Lorina-lietsey's copy of Welister's Reader. And in that reader I found much food for reflection, I haring been lately engrossed in some romances of the Cosmoiiolita ii School. By way of contrasting with "She thrilled to his touch!" and other Chamberisms, I ainteiid, at ri.ik of boring you, a few quotations from this guide to Young Ladies of Another Day. — Phiuias Pigge.) Modesty, Doubt and Tender Affection Agathock's and Calista Calista was young and beautiful, endowed with a .ureat sliare of wit and solid sense. Agatliocles, whose age very little exceeded hers, was well made, Inave and prudent. He iiad the good fortune to be intropiness for wliich lie sighed was no longer delayed than was necessary to i)re- pare the ceremony. -S- ' Round About Howard — "My l)Ut you iiave a trim little waist 1" May — "Yes there's no getting around that." —MICHIGAN GARGOYLE. Give Tone to your party by serving a little better kind of pastries, cakes and rolls. We make up special orders of all kinds — gingerbreads, doughnuts, cakes and almond slices. Perfect Bakery 12 Main St. Garfield 1383 +■ — ' "Ask Us How yy SUMMERS ELECTRIC COMPANY 31(5 N. HicKouY Main i.jtii Cham pah; X "Always First in Things Elect rical" [32] HREN Reciprocity His ()\\-ii 'ittle Wifii- — -ril put the studs iu your shirt, dear .if you'll powder my back." — LOS 'ax(jeli:s ExrKEss. "Topics of thr Day" J'ilin.s. S WatcliOut! I'eree took out his Utile wateli. lie looked it iu the face. The hauds. he tliouj;liI. for tlie tiiue of day, ■Were iu a funny place. The second hand was still as deatli. His head spun like a top. ••<> gosh", he said, in one long breath. I'll take it to a shop. The jeweler, with his one good eye. He looken — .> — ■■ — « — .. — II. — I. — .. — >• — II. — I- — ■" — I" — " — I" — «. — ■■ — ■■ — ■■ — 11+ The MERLE THAT slender grace in footwear, so pleasing to feminine eyes, is the characteristic of this dainty pattern which prompted its name, the Merle, after the pretty blackbird of France. Patent Leather SNYDER & SNYDER Bradley Arcade 312 Hickory St. Novelties for Dances KNOWLTON & BENNETT URBANA SPECIALIZE in new and distinctive novelties for fraternity and sorority dances. When planning your dance con- sult us for suggestions. We lead in every line we carry We Guarantee Hiiv wliere v(m get satisfaction .,+ +, [36] A Gateway — Electrical ONLY a forty-foot gateway bounded by two brick pilasters and orna- mental lamps, but it is unlike any other gateway in the entire world. For back of it is the General Electric Company's main office building, accom- modating 2300 employees. And just next door is its main laboratory with the best equipment for testing, standardiz- ing and research at the command of ca- pable engineers. Then down the street a mile long — are other buildings where electrical products are made by the thousands of electrical workers who daily stream through. Through this gate messages and repre- sentatives from a score of other factories and over fifty branch offices come and go every hour — an endless chain of co- ordinated activities carrying on and en- larging the scope of over a quarter cen- tury's work for the betterment of mankind. What a story this gate would tell, if it could, of the leaders of the electrical in- dustry and of ambassadors from other industries and institutions — and from foreign lands. The story would be the history of electric lighting, electric transportation, electrified industrials and electricity in the home. General Office Schenectady, N. Y. 9S-*S0H ^xu f juumn ' fl(HM}er6^ ''Service AFP 2:n TKE 0AX ATii AKE Fraternities and Sororities For House parties and Dances we give special prices which will save you money. Our prices are down to normal. The fraternities and sororities here named and doz- ens of others know that the quality and freshness of our flowers is the best, without a doubt. SimpJy phonf us that you want flowers sent to your mother or sweetheart in any eity in the U. S. or Canada, and tee will take care of the rest. "We are members of the Florists' Telegraph Delivery" Main Store 112 North Neil Street M. 908 G. 1075 WM. JOS. A\'ERSTLER '19 Mgr. University Office Campus Boot Shop 609 Green Street exr JOS. KUHN & CO. Green Room Loyalty Clothes The Most Important Thing About Good Clothes Granted, of course, that they're good, the first thing that the young man asks from them is Style. And it is Style in Good Clothes that you get every day in the week from our Hart Schaffner & Marx Suits and Overcoats. Central Illinois' Greatest Store for Men CHAMPAIGN QUALITY GROUP SltPHEN F. WHITMAN &. SON, Inc., Philadelphia, U. S. A. Sole makers o/ Whitman's Inslantaneoui Chocolale, Cocoa and Marshmailow Whip Whitman's famous candies are sold by JJrhana Champaign Mouyios Bros. Schuler Bros. University Pliarmacy, 705 S. Goodwin Ave. Arcade Confectioneiy Urbana Drug Company, 111 W. Main St. (J. A. Thornhill) Special Illinois Package SIREN Fiidci- the licadiiij; "(ias Over- comes <:iil Mln\c Taking Bath", the following appears in a local jiaper: "Miss Cecelia M. -lones owes her life to the watclifnlness of Joel Collev, elevator hoy, and Knfns Baucon, janitor'". — (ihost. Vision It was early morn, tlie swords of Sol had jnst stripped away night's tarlatan. In the distance I conld hear the babble of a swelling stream. The early warblers had begun to flute their first notes in praise of the coming day. Then first I saw her, willowy, clad in a diaphanous gown swaying in the breeze. She seemed to be searching for someone, "Is it I, gossamer of my dreams'", Is it I you seek, my soul mate. She hears she turns; she sees me, and stretching her arms towards me she cried, "Oh Os- mosis, those damn kids stole the milk again". — A"2.T. S "Say wlio was that ugly girl I saw you with'.' Angrily, "That's my sistei"". "She sure can dance". I I I I I I I Under the Chessing Spreadnut Tree the Villiage Smithy Stands But you wouldn't take your Fountain Pen to a blacksmith for repairs Take it to RIDER at RIDER'S PEN SHOP HE'S A PEN MAKER Just North of the Postoffice on Wright St. "Rider for Pens" New Caps Gelvin lias just received an- other large shipment of the celebrated Crofit and Knapp caps. These caps are all made up in the newest materials and latest styles. You can appreci- ate them only by seeing them. Gelvin's Clothes Shop Green Street Your Party Will Be a Greater Success if you avail yourself of the ad- vantages this store is offering you. A complete stock at all times of favors, balloons, ser- pentine, ticklers, decorations, and party requirements of ev- ery description. Knowlton & Bennett URBANA, ILLINOIS "We Lead in Every Line We Carry" [2] SIREN BEN HOWARD Howard's Print Shop Makers of the very Finest Printing 120 N. Walnut Street. Champaign t- I i I One of Life's Mysteries A\'liy do tlu-y cnll uiclu'ls and dimes "Chickeu Feed?" — licaupnt S Siiidc: "You can't really im- ajjiiie what distractions there are wliih' studying;. Dad. Why, only last ni{;ht three different fellows drojipcd in and wanted nie lo have a little drink with them". Dad : "I hope your answer was the same each (ime, son". Stude (emphatically) : ''It was". — Gargoyle. S ■ Friend : "Don't stand his non- sense. Bill. Hit "im" Prize Fighter: "Wot? For no ptirse nor gate money?" — London Opimon. S Fijiht O'clock (waking room- mate) : "It's ten to eight". Koonimate (sleepily) : "Wait till the odds get better. Then place it all''. — Widotc. You will admire our workmanship in all lines of Dyeing and Cleaning Garments Called for and Delivered Promptly 1 I Carpets and Rugs Given z I Special Attention I I PARIS DYEING & 1 CLEANING WKS. I I Call Main 1744 i Flowers by Wire How long has it been since you sent flowers by wire ? — o/" course you know it can be done ! How about Mother, or Sister, or 'The One Girl" who is in some far- off city or town? Surely you want her to know that you are still thinking of her. Well then— phone Main Store — 112 North Neil Street; Phones: Main 908; Garfield 1075 University office — Campus Boot Shop, 609 Green Street [3] HREN I University Pharmacy Everything that a good drug store should have READ! We DeUver FRED J. FRISON Main 134 505 S. Goodwin ^._,. — ,_„ . 4, The Flapiter : — "Oh, mother, can I go to the Masquerade to- morrow as a milkmaid?" Mother: — "No, child, yon are too small". T. F. : — "Then can 1 go as a con- densed milkmaid?" — Voo Doo. -S- Stude: — "AVhat has Jim done with his mnstache?" Stewd : — "I don't know, I mus- tache him". — Widoir. With the Aid of Right Lighting ! Arithmetic, grammar and spelling — tough propositions for children. Yet, like the help of an older mind, right lighting can do its part to make them easier. Won't you let us help solve your lighting problem? CHANDLER ELECTRIC SHOP 107 W. Main St. ,„ „„ » ., ,. „ ., ,« n, .. u. „. ..-j, » >.. .., .11. ... ... » ... «. Apparel and Distinctive Finery for University Women -* 1 I ■ ! McAllister Stores \Miere every effort is niade to satisfy the apparel wants of the University girl. The maximum of Style, Quality, and Value is combined to insure complete satisfaction. Main Street Urbana ''The Urbana Store for Women'' ,,._._._,._„.._._„_.,_. — „_-_„_. — ,._„_.._.._. ._,._. — 4> [41 Q 3S wipea ouc in cigarettes I You carit help but [ij^ them! 7y,ey are DIFFERENT -T^ey are GOOD JIREN I '+ He: — "I wish I were a stai-". +— ,,.—,»i—.»— ...—.»— .1.—..— ..—»,— .,_™_, She: — "I wish you were a ' comet ; then you'fi only come 1 Give Us That Party Order Your Account Will Be Welcome At This Bank No red tape and no charges for opening an account with us First State Bank URBANA arouiid once every h'OO years". — Or llie Siren. Willi voiii- iiel|>, till' <'|(1 (iiil will he alilc In say. wilii Keriianl Siiaw, llial "•1 am an i'.\|ieit iiickcr of ineirs braiii.s, and I liave been fortunate in tiie clKiicc nf my friends." S A\'e sore feel .sorry for the poor f;ny that j,'nt his faee all cut liy liekinj; tlie pieces at a boat lanncli- iiig. S ('iistomer: How do yoii sell yonr liiiibcrser cheese ? Grocer: I often wonder too. S Did ya ever notice how easy it was to f;et nii early in the morninj; the night before. S Hickory dickory doc. The patients lined up for a block Sickness of all descrii)tions Lined up for prescriptions (1h licker me licker me Doc. Kelly-Springfield Tires "To swear is neither brave, polite nor v.ise," said Pope. Bui it's about the only consolation left to the man who has bought cheap tires expecting to get Kelly mileage. Churchill, Bengston & Miller 115-117 North Race Street URBANA. ILL. Originally the idea of Capt.X — Now the idea of all who are particular. Forever a big suc- cess. Round, loosely rolled with a free and easy draught. PALL mil FAMOUS CIGARETTES [ounds ^ /^ 'plain ends) ^ /% 20 in ,■'--■" 50c tiul pack:ige c^ ey ay^uood Utjte PALL MALL (REGULAR) PLAIN OR CORK, IN BOXES CF 10, 50, 100 AS USUAL. [7] SIREN ^'iiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiii aiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiciiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiii [imiiiiiiiiiaii iiiiinmiiiiiiiiioiiiiiii aiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiii a\i The parrot is the only bird which is noted for the way it talks rather than for what it says Dennison Party Goods How many days until Christmas Dennison goods have no equal Dainty Decorative goods are made for every pur- pose. Let us make your party favors. "Chuck" Bailey 606 E. Green Shelby Himes You can teach a parrot to say, "Just as Good" but he doesn't know what he's talking about -.iiiiiiiEiiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiii uiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiin iiiiiitiniiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiEiiiiiiiiiii imiiieiimiiiiiiiiidi igiiiiiiiiiiiiEiiiii lEiiiiiiiiiiMiniiiiiiiiiiiiEi tiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiT! [8] To you, good friends, who have gone before us and are now returning for a space; who know better than we why the arbored walk on Daniel Street goes by the name of Lovers' Lane; who have felt the old martial thrill of Football Saturdays; you who have made and smoothed all the little paths we follow now — to you, good friends, we give greeting. We are very glad you have come. [9] T. P.'uucKLAXD, Editor; George B. Switzek, Art Editor; Morgan L. Fitch, Business Manager; J. A. Nuckolls, G. V. Buchanan, Jr., Contributing Editor; Jack Tuttle, Advertising Mgr.; R. J. Werer, Foreign Adv. Mgr.; R. H. Exchange Editor; Hoken Hoie. CUmtri'buting Artist. Ferguson, Circtilation Mgr.; R. R. Fowler, Asst. Bus. Mgr. Editorial Statf A. L. Straus L. M. Stobmont Agnes Vrooman P. B. Bass 0. D. Bltrge Leonard Hunt Chase Juuah Cuas. E. Noyes Business Staff G. E. Darling R. E. Den/.el C. R. Defenbaugh Burt Hltjo J. A. Taylor Hugh Fechtman Helen Moore Bruce Cowan Fl-OYI) Mochon J. A. O'Brien J. B. O'DONNELL W. C. RUNKLE S. W. Rydemski T. L. Shuktelle Mary Hopkins J. O. Keth Art Staff G. V. Buchanan Shannon Meriwether Beatrice Adams Dorothy Schulze Martin Topper Helen Hottinger C. W. Baughman Constance Freeman M. R. Marx Elizabeth Boggs J. J. Brekee 3 Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 106 University Hall, Urbana, Illinois. HOilE i.s a \v(ii(l of deep sigiiiticaiue. It denotes that state of beiuy where our s]iii-itual hat has liiuig for a long time, more, perhaps, than it signifies any definite phice. A homecoming, then, is as niiuli a return to a well-remeinhered state of mind as it is a jonrnej', via train, to such a place as Urbana, Illinois. Put yourselves, good old friends, into the sopho- moric way of thinking this weekend, that you may better through an observation of our idiocies and virtues, recollect and revamp your own. We do not demand dignity from you; we do not even insist that you be a good example to us. We want you to have one deuce of a good time. * * * * In passing, it might be said that nmcli pomp and pageantry is lieing .set afoot by w^luit seems to be resourceful .iiid clficient leadership. I'aities tliere are, and parades; speeches and junketings. All as it should be— so be it that you, take it all in with tlie old undergraduate zest. Be atavistic! S_ in iiou-reading conmiunlties. the writ lug of editorials is diverting and harmless. -S- Recent talks, given by students on the subject of limitation of armaments, give one the comfortable feeling that the spark of nndei'graduate initiative still burns. S The return of T.N.E., feared — perhaps feared is not the precise word, by Dean Olark, is remenis- cent of an ei)igrani sin-ung recently by a ])rominent fJreek-letter gent: "The only real secret of organiza- tions is that thev have no secrets''. [10] HREM THE DAILY 1 I.I.I XI is aiMHiiiiiij; what Doc. AiiKilil used jestingly to term High Serious- ness . It is Id be tlioiiglit that the revered stall' is having ;f lot of fun doing it — else why do it ? J}egin- niug the year witii jeremiads on illegal Seniorbeiu-li- ingand the institution of the Xinetyiiine Year Date, it has rapidly enlarged its cii-cle of disopproval until it recently threatened tiie ivy crowned ramparts of the Illinois T^nion itself. The Siren is, avoweilly. a magazine of the humorous ilk, hut she hows lier head in humhli' asseut to the fact that an adequate handling of the recent Union Constitution Bicker is beyond her powers of jest. Thus endeth our monthly jibe at the publicists. S NATIONAL prohibition has brought in its wake certain probleuis of manners and morals which, in sweeping the nation, have not entirely passed by our nation's universities. Our share of the problem — not, fortunately, a heavy share, — must be faced squarely and solved. Whether the solution come from the student body or the Counsel of Ad- ministration is for the student body to decide. Ver- bum sap. When the final examinations are upon us, we will find ourselves meekly abiding a new rule. No more will we step outside the Fragenzimmer for fresh air, contemplation, and rest. The Honor Com- mission — O wise judge I O excellent young man I — will have us at our muttons until they are gnawed to the very shanks. Ours not to reason why. Putting salt on Honor's tail, as it were. S The SIREN is indebted to Dr. AVeirick and his class in the Khetoric Six course for numei-ons pointed l)aragraphs which are scattered ovei- this issue. FKO.M WlSCUXSl.X came, the other day, an old friend — Paul Leach it was, formerly of this university — who is on the statf of Wisconsin's hum. mag., the Octopus. He bore tidings wiiich would dis- gruntle any local editor. Xt ^^■iscousin, said Paul, three thousand copies of the Octopus are sold each time of publication. He added that "everybody, on publication day, gambolled about with a copy of tlu; Oct. under his arm". The Octopus is a most excellent magazine. We get it and read it with gusto every month. Compari- sons are odious. Particularly odious, in this case, is comparison of circulation. AYisconsiu backs the Octopus, and regards it as an interesting expression of her waj's. Illinois — meaning seventy three hundred out of eight thousand of you, old top I — is at present back- ing the Siren about as heavily as she backs the Atlantic Monthly. A simple reform would be this : that every stu- dent who reads the Siren, read in the futui-e from his own copy. iJeruard Shaw says that the educated man is a greater nuisance than the uneducated one. For once we are the ardent believers in Shavianism. How well he expresses our fireside .sentiments when he speaks of the harndess joys of drifting down the midstream of mere ignorance. S Just now we are immersed in John Dos Passos' "Three Soldier.s". From our more or less junior point of view it is a magnificaut piece of modern realism. Someone has called it the "Main Street" of the A. E. F., and they are prettj- nearly right. There is one grandly horrible scene wherein a private kills an officer by tossing him a few hand grenades in a playful moment. The wrapjier is yellow bnl that does not mean anything. S Some stay in college 1o study: ollicrs study to sfav in colle"!'. Ill] HREN The Arcade Philosophers Since Iowa and Wisconsin l)cat ns we have noted little betting on tlie football games. It cer- tainly is praiseworthy tlial everyone at last realizes the immorality ot gambling. * * * -X- Echols. candidate for Jnnior class president, declared himself opposed to that organization that has taken the place of T. N. E. The election prob- ably strengthened his suspicions in regard to that organizations potentialaties for evil. » « « « Last month a few people voted for a new con- stitntion of some kind, for something or other. Since no embroj'o politician was interested enough to pull us in Mozi's or the Arcade and explain the matter, we must refer you to The Illini, or Womans League for further information. We did gather however, in regard to the above constitution, that the women were clamoring to be allowed to vote for more officials. It looks like they get enough drinks now, but maybe they are trying to give the cellar sisters a chance. « * * * Speaking of the cellar sisters they might find the customs of the Arabians worth studying. The wise Arab father insists all his elder daughters be married before the younger daughters are allowed to display their charms in the date market. Come to think of it we did see a copy of The Arabian Nights at the Alpha Xi Delta house. * * * * According to the paternal Fuzzie La Fuze, deal- ing in futures in dates is about on par with a gambler dealing in futures in grains. * # * -"- We can suggest three alternatives to getting dates a couple of months aluMid: join the cellar gang, get engaged, get married. The last two are not a sure cure however. When a Scotchman invites you to inspect his cellar, he merely wants to show you his new furnace. S If ignorance were bliss, the problem of human happiness would have been solved long ago. S The sugar, not the flour, is what makes muffins palatable. Lies in Woman's Eyes Sonia : Did you go out for the operetta cast? Olga: No. (And that's how the rumor started — that Olga cribbed her exams, broke her dates, lied to her house — mother, and generally vi(dated the dictum that Beauty is truth, etc.) [12] HREN Homecoming — Past and Present Old Stuff Kiiij^ Kirli;ii(l, iilist^iit minded ;iss, ]'\)ig()t to till his car with gas. Ill' therefor shouted, uutil hoaise, "A horse, inv kiiir a joint from the garbage man's ]iail. ('ailed "Kitty" or "Cat", What odds be that! ■^'oui- days are free from travail. L()\i' comes to thee I'nbidden and free. And lea\es in your heart no Ihoin. Vour sweetest desire Is to lie by the fire, ITa]ii)y. because you are warm. [13] Lem riiiliiiis. SIREN Isn't Youth Wonderful? ji Go away, graybeard, and let us dance! Lord Pan is tootling his tenor saxophone, the floor Is pol- ished reflecting the lights, and the lights are burning roses. What need have we of your precepts? Why should we hear your dead experiences? We are wasting our time, you say? We are shirking our duties? What would you have us do? The work of the world, you say! You'd have us go into your great sawdust arena, we who are trying to be happy, we who are dancing — there to mop up the spilled blood, there to patch up the rusted mech- anisms. You'd have us comfort the hearts that you have broken, replant the forests you have wasted, balance the accounts you have addled and juggled, and obey the laws you have made. This Is what you would end our dancing for. We are shallow pates, you say? How otherwise, when your wars and your machines and your phil- osophies have tortured our brains away from the deep and placid channels that your fathers knew? Where you sang "Nellie Gray", sing we chansons of sweet babies, sweet daddies, and ever-lovin' mam- mies. Where your spinets tinkled, brays now the saxophone. Where you ogled, we embrace. You were Victorian; we are Lesbian .... you have said, graybeard. It is useless to protest. Music is playing, and we will dance. As we have danced out of the past, so will we dance into the future, and there, graybeard, you will quit us, sorrowfully and with appre- hension. You will see that we are stunted and ugly, nervous and belligerent, foolish and sensuous. Then you will quit us and go to heaven, where, if it be permitted, you will continue to worry about us — — just as your father is worrying about you, and his grandsire about him. And the world will go on. I, who write these paragraphs, sit drinking tea and reading Horace and laughing at myself, in a quiet, old-fashioned room. [14] JIREN Lights Out "V--.^.'.•:'- .iw^■V.^^..^. ■ittMk^y£Ate SIREN "■oil. I'oi- llu' ijood old djize". sai and blue wrappers, are fed La jenne lille: Je ne weiss i>it<> tJie hopper. Then the works nichts. I'eni etrezu .Mosi's. ="'^ t"™e'l <'ii. steam turned in. — and presto! out come perfect I'ep J.,ozenges, guaranteed to raise- seven Kahs where but two grew La jeunc lille: Xon. alter mebbe. before. Das liund : .Mein dieu, wariim? Haben Sic une dale la ? [17] ^- e<=..T25.'SL.^4= =c^x- "Mrs. Van Nupe, I sincerely trust that I can interest you in our new missionary movement?" "Indeed you can, Dominie. Is it anything like the old toddle? .... James, start the Victrola". How I Succeeded in College (With appropriate apologies to Stephen Lcacock) By Chas. E. Notes Que morning last tall I jumped out of bed witli my usual Monday morning vim and vigor, and Faced My Problem. I was beginning my third year of studious activity, and I was a failure. I knew I was a failure because the boys in the house never failed to hint that I was a failure. The fact that I was in the house was the only thing that 1 hadn't failed in, but the attitude of my brothers toward me almost made my heart fail. But right then and there, as I cooled my shower to 08° in an effort to increase my vitality, I decided that I would succeed. I passed Chet Weever, our house politician, on the way to my room. "Chet", I thought (but did not say), "I'm going to be a success". After breakfast I went up to his room. ''Chet'", 1 remarked, "You have succeeded in College". Then a thought struck me. "Chet", I asked, "How did you do it?" Well, I talked with him a while, and pretty soon the Master Key seemed to lie right there in front of me on the table, and I picked it up. So I went down to the telephone both, and started to succeed. I wasn't successful the first time, but I ,got things fixed up, and I could see success loom- ing right up in fi'ont of me. And so two weeks later, I began my struggle. We went to the Orph, because I had forgotten to get tickets for College, but that didn't worry me a (Continued on page twenty-three) [IS] Coming Home-A. D. 2000 smiM Sleigh bells, cow bells, sack- buts, psalteries, bassoons, jiolt- roous, h V 11 s l)()tli French and Limey, fid- dles, p 1 i 11 k - plinks, and sar- u s o p h o n e s— down the street any week end night, moon or no moon, your ears are callio- pied from all sides by the pagan fanfare of iriany curious instruments. Saxophobia, the despair of Saint Vitus, is ujioii us like the scarlatina. Its symptoms appear to be, first, a breaking out in building interiors of rose colored tissue paper in the region of the mazdas. Next come various sound producing devices, such as arc mentioned above, then come the |)aticnts — who in the instance of this malady are termed revellers. But why multiply words? Be- low are set forth in sketches some of tlie more virulent manifesta- tions of Saxophobia, together with a few complications, ^'ade inecum. TJie orchestra, for example. Its nieml)ers all young, and fairly in- nocent in appearance. The}' are, you can plainly see, enthralled with their task, which is to mingle the wailing lament of the Hebrew cantor with the war drum of the native Somalilander. They are the musical kerual of the social nut. They carry the germ of Sax- ophobia. Saxophobia Portraitx hi/ Cimxtdiicv Fnciiian More symptoms may be seen in the hulies robe-room. Like soldiers before tlie battle, the dear ones bustle about, furbishing their ac- coutrements amid the fumes of the martial jjowder. Presently — tJiat is, sooner or later — they sally forth, and the dance is on. Ob- serve the writhings and twistings caused by tlie ravages of Saxa- ])hoi)ia. Some, as you can see, are very graceful in their suffering; others take the matter more to Iieart, thereby getting painful blisters on their feet. Yet relief of a sort is ever at hand. In yon corner, exposed bravely to the orchestra — the source of the con- tagion, sit these alert physicians, the Cliaperones. They have no fear of the malady, for its toxin flows in their veins; they had Saxopjiobia — in tlie older and milder form, a few years ago. On Saturday mornings, tlie ef- v; ^^' fects of Saxophobia are marked indeed, especially if one have an eight o'clock. Tender feet, mental obscurity, bodily lassitude, all tend to confine the sufferer to her or his couch. This soon wears off, however, and later in the morning patients actually gather together to practice and imitate symptoms — they call thein steps — which they admired the previous even- ing . AVith the aid of a device called a Vic, the effects of Saxo- jjhobia are spread. A virulent plague, indeed. No ]iernianent re- lief for the situation is at hand, although authorities aver that it will run its course and die out. A peculiar fact may be observed at times shortly after midnight in divers eating houses throughout the infected district. That is, that Saxophobia is the only disease in which the patients hold their own consultations. [20] SIREN TiE^ DMirj (D)f SoiiM'sILPspSs^ iloiidny, Nov. 7 — I'p and about oir tlic ciai'U ()■ noun, so anxious was I to seek the knowledge, whicli forsooth, one needs must encompass to a eer- tain extent within tliese fair walls. So to the eott'ee house of my friend Sir Hank wliere My Lord Davis and Sir Gerrold de Carson and others, among them my lady Letitia Haii])y. diils't discourse over the next Klaiiemian liamiuct. in truth a look-for event. Thursday, Xov. 1(1 — Stirred hy the arrival of the hrst Homeconiers, among them none other but .My Lord Sir Irv Bartlett, erstwhile a student, now of Purdue. So to the coverlets, for i' sooth the mor- row will see me ousted from my worthy mattress and slund)ering i' th" window seat. Friday, 11 — TTp from the coal bin where I re- clined the night that worthier brothers might en- cumber mine couch, and so to the Hobo parade et al. Led our trusty Marines in parade, and verily putled with pride over the wheelings of these veritably wortiiy ti'oopers. Various incoherent celebration- iiigs o' the eve, and so again to the coal bin, on find- ing Sir "Gyp" Davis of another clan is expected Itack to tlie Homecoming and needs mu.st repo.se at our mansion the night, as of yore. Saturdaj', Nov. V2 — Into leatiiern jerkin and fine feathers of a borrowed nature, and so to the struggle on the course where after seeing divers Oil City and our own men stmiggle valientlj' for the possession of a small oval, which I wager is worth no more than one pound four pence, and hardly worth the effort, so to a banquet of sorts and to the hay, hoping to gain a night's rest. In which I was thwarted. Sunday, Nov. LJ — Crawled from the shucks, i.e., my burlap bed in the coal, and so to the upper floors, where, one of the older brothers having de- parted, dids't to a good sleep. Hoi Hum! it makes the day a brighter one V sooth. S To a Silhouette Dark figure, standing on the dai-Uer shore. In two dimensions moving, — by the lake Of wjiich tiie ever-dancing moonbeams make A flashing pool of polisjied steel — befoi-e ^dii go, turn backward toward the moon once mure, Stand still in silent silhonette to lircak 'Die line of earth and sky. c'ci' yon forsake Vuur UMleople in to enter- tain us. which they did by telling us all about the Pueblo flood and other pleasant topics until the talk finally shifted to the League of Nations. The chaiterone came in and the two girls left. She en- tertained us with a discussion of her operations. .My dear, that wonuin is wonilci lul. Well, any- way. I think they told her to do it because when we did get served there was hardly enough to see. luit it satisfied ns. Somehow we weren't a bit luingry. Let's see, our own tea is tonutr- row. isn't it. Hmmm. A. \'. S Yellow Journalism Paleolithic puns in pictures S How I Succeeded in College (Continued from page eighteen) bit. -Har', 1 thought. "Here's where you commence to succeed." "\A'ell, 1 waited until we had crowded our way into the 1 :.")() free luntli, and then I started my be- ginning. "Emily". I said. "You're an awfully nice girl". 1 could see then that my fortune was made. "Honestly", I went on, "I have a different feeling for you from that toward any other girl". We finished our jjulverized milk and then I took her for a ride. 1 didn't say very much, because I didn't need to. She was so svm- pathetic. I knew that she under- stood. "llal", she said. "1 love youi' new roadster". So we rode on for a while, and I lien I took her home. "Emily". I said, jtist before I kissed her good night. "I've l»een a failure. But now that I know you and have you to work for I'm going to succeed. And if yo\i get your friends to work for me Ell go big". "Hal", she sighed, "I know you will, and 1 love you for it." So I kissed her and right af- ter that I began to be a success. S A brick layer named Angus Mc- Todd Was lying bricks by a lighting rod When the (lods with a jidt Sent a bolt in the dolt And they carried him home in his hod. Our idea of wasted ettort is for a girl with a short skirt on to powder her nose. — Purple Parrot. S Militarism She: W'hat would you do if your daughter wore lace stock- ings to school? He: (On leave) I'd gi\e her "Right Dress". [23] jmEN More About Wright Street The University cliinu's tell the hour of seven forty live Anil scnrryinj; figures with f;r;iy lints and green hats and no hats at all Come from the byways with neckties awry and shredded wheat in their teeth and 1 ks And pour into Wright Street. As the clock strikes again the figures move faster and gradually disappear Save for a straggling few whose steps (piicken On Wright Street. >,'oon, and the feet pass over I he hi'icks and cement walks And jump out of the way of bicycles and automo- biles and street cars. On Wright Street. f The passing of a little time will bring us the •Innior I'romenade. It is regarded by all but the Athletic Department as the largest, most blatant, When the sun shines from the West through the .,j„^ ,„„j^^ imposing extru-academic function of the year. It is im])ortant alike to the snake, the bud, the c. w., the matron, the xjolitician, the laundi-ess, the tailor, and the humorist. Some Juniors will be there. maple leaves And makes little patterns on the lawns And the unlucky devils have gone to their three o'clocks The freshmen sit and swing their heels and compare their dates On the front porches of the sorority houses Of Wright Street. And then, when the shadows are deep and the couples stroll And whispers and giggles and jazz tunes float on Mother mine your baby's lonesome the air. aud besides she's almost broke The moon comes up and snoops under the shadows Listen Mamma I'm not kidding A(|uatic tisli aren't the oidy ones to be landed with a line. S An Epistle to Ma and wonders Whether anyone ever- sleei)s On Wright Street. -S- — M.E.T. Oh they say that faith is dying out And yet I have been told There is very little change in the amount Of hair restorer sold. S Helen -Hotrin^er Evolution (iuess you think its all a joke. But you see the freshman frolic And the Jamboree have ruined me My exchequer took a drop. But you should have seen that fellow Talk about your lovely dreams Say this fellow had them going Aud I'm going too it seems. He was not to say good looking But believe me he was cute And he had a way of making you Feel happy absolute. You may think that I'm romantic and perhaps a little bad But I'll bet you felt the same way when you first observed my dad. So if you'll chip in a little and ask dad to kick in too Why your bread upon the waters may come floating back to you. — Big Ben. [24] jmEN Local Impressions The Corner of Green and Wright Sports — By Terrance Back again, on the old mill, trying to forecast what really can't be fore- casted. Tried it on the Iowa game, and only proved to the Worthy Ed that a mere gentleman of leisure is hardly a Solomon. * * * * But, to speak of other things, we note that the Homecomers are on their way, 20,000 strong. That, in itself, proves that Illinois Loyalty is not, and can never be termed dead. * * * * Of loyalty, we pause, and think of our little cherub, "Pink" Reading, formerly of the Chi Phi band at Wis- consin. He now wears one of those sweet little orange things, and sways to the mighty arm of Richard in the new "I" section. "We ought to wear service uniforms on Saturdays", re- marks "Pink". Yep, lots of us need something like that to preserve our nigh-lost-dignity ! * * * * The next number on the "porgum" will be the grand entry of Mr. Basket- ball. Now we can get mighty chesty here, though it might not pay, and say a whale of a lot of things about the scoledge's chances here. But more of that later, when Terrence can get out the Ouija board, and talk to the powers that are, yet aint. * * * * The Trib remarks so often that Illi- nois is past all consideration in the Conference honors this year. Pardons from Terrance, Mr. Eck., but may we ask that Illinois be placed first in FIGHT? Much obliged. * ^ * ^ At the time of this issue, the year- lings who take the dreaded medicine each and every evening for six or seven weeks, are about ready to rest on their well-earned laurels until their chance comes all year. And from the present outlook, the present Frosh, under the able tutelage of Bert Ing- werson, will have a mighty combina- tion that may be hard to get around. Anyway, all hail to the hardest work- ing gang in Illinois Field. And the best of luck next year. * * * * Going back a bit, one school that pinned a few pointers in the marker column, de.serves a bit of praise. Wis- cons'n showed remarkable sportsman- ship as far as the visiting sjholars were concerned. Not a word after the massacre. That's all O.K. We'll do the same by you next year. Whoopee yes! [25] JIREN Sayings Eddie Foy : To he coiithmed in our next. Darwiu: 1 would a fail untold. Samson : Twas the most uu- kindest cut of all. Aladdin: Aye there's the ruli. Adam : 1 might have known it was wormy. S Nowadays the only difference between a saloon and a drugstore is that the saloon had a rail. When you've spent a lone vaca- tion, And you've bachelored for a spell. Then yon sit down at your dinner, "When not feeling exti'a well. The bill of fare says roast beef. And your gloom begins to thicken, Xone could bhune you if you whis- pered, •'Waiter, change that beef for chicken". — A.L.iS. e kissed. Smart Set — AVith her lingerie draped in charming abandon and daring decollette, Esme rose from her escritoire and walked toward him with utter sang froid, placed her arms about his shoulders and, casting convention to the wind, whispered, "Mon cher". Saturday Evening Post — She flung her arms about his brawny shoulders and sighed softly, ''Kiss me, dear". Century — Placing her arms about him in a palpably comiiris- ing position, she enunciated, "Let us osculate". — Punch Boirl. Monolo^ at a Quarter of By Agnes Vrooman Let me see your watch. Glory be! Only five minutes. Of course they'll be longer than any other five minutes of the hour. He's sura to have passed the limit of my know/ledge of the lesson ages ago. I wish I had flagged him on the first part. Too late now, tho. Heavens! Even Jane Jones hasnt' read this far. That's ominous. If she hasn't no one has. She's my idea of a perfect prune with citrous tendencies. Gosh, how I love her! * * * * What's that? You say she's a sorority sister of yours! Oh, I — I — I'm sure we can't be thinking of the same girl. Did I say Jane Jones, Oh, my dear, I meant Jean Johnson, they sit side by side and I must have got them mixed In my mind. Oh no, Jane is adorable, and so brilliant. I wonder where I go next hour. If I should give myself my head I'm so hungry reflex action would lead me straight home and to the kitchen. I didn't eat any breakfast; I'm dieting. Of course it's terribly hard, but I'll be sylph-like yet. ::; ■;■ * * But where do I go next? Oh yes. History lecture. At least I won't be in mortal agony there expecting him to call on me any minute. He'll put me to sleep bless him, and I'll, forget my colossal hunger. * * * * What time's it now? Good! Only two minutes more. What'll I do with them? Maybe I can use up one of them getting my books together. Ooooooooo! Did you see the look he gave me. It was a very informal one. I take it he doesn't like advance preparations for the exodus. By the way, what's the plural of exodus — exodi? Never mind, I don't want to know. * * * * Half a minute? Well, at least he can't have time to bawl me out much if I start to get ready to go now. * * * * Ah— Why — Uh— (Did he say me?) Yes I'm here, Pro- fessor Lapworth, Yes, you asked me what effect the direct primary has had on the gubernatorial elections, didn't you? What a big question! And so interesting. It can be answered in many ways cant it? Well, in the first place — Why there's the bell, I had no idea the hour was so nearly up. Would you let me continue the discussion of this interesting topic next time? Thank you. EXIT. [26] Siinii'Diic li;is writtt'ii ;i Ixtnk witli tlii' titlu ••Crazy with Tahiti". This same author rt'cciitly made a voyage to the Filhcvt Ishimls. He cinild imt n'Tiu'inlpiM- tlu'ii- lalitiulf or loiit;itiiilc. Iml was ccr- taiu tliat their pulchritude was 100. » * » » Jt's about time for Caroline \\'ells to lie jietliui; out another funny antholo«;y of one sort or another. * » » « Althougli it is of proltahle disinterest to you, another word may be said about outc-ast Illinois Magazine. It is to be, without transgres.snig upon the Siren, a magazine of winks and wisdom. While it will ct>ntinue to represent the saner thought of the students, it will also tell you about the latest hapiienings at the Dill Pickle Club, or about the latest shockingly successful play, or portray for you delectation the most comely maid tliat it can find in our midst. Tn other words its going to he interesting. * * * * Sometime in the time to come, I hope to see an English translation made of Masperos French tran- slation of some Egyptian love songs written thous- ands of years ago. They are the most beautiful and intoxicating stuff that was ever set down by a ]»en. For beseeching tenderness and dignity, they ai-e unexcelled. They weren't so dead in those days, after all. * * * «■ One of the suavest and most fascinating orothy Canlield l-^isher"s ••Brim- ming Cup" which is a fairly tiring p.ieii of the life that Lewis deprecates. * • * • If a pun is permitted, it might be said that some campus dramatics of recent years have been simply Orph-al. * * * * We cull this from Sudermanirs ••Sunken Bell": '•A wondrous gem — Within a little globe lies all the pain And all the joy the world can ever know. 'Tis called a tear . . . . " It is not to be advised that neurasthenics liear "Mon Homme" ])layed on a one string cigar-box fiddle. Nor people with Soul. * * * -s- We have been reading I'oe again, and are in- spired to the wish that someone write a story called ••The Full House and the Fsher". There is in Chicago the central olfice of a society of bibliophiles known as ••The Bookfellows". Tli(> purpose of this organization is to further the lo\e of books and their contents, and to publish for the benefit of its members special editions of nuidern writings. It has a small magazine called the '•Step-ladder'' which is supposed to voice the sentiments of the society. This is uot the case, but it is worth the dollar entrance fee just to disagree with opinions. Look the address up. « « « * Try Erica Morini's versi(Mi of soiuebody's ••^'alse Ca](rice" on your ^'ictrola. -& -" * * If a travel noli- is not oil' lone, some antlioiiiy has said that Korea is the Hermit Nation, so much so that there are often whole villages of hermits. [27] JIREN One Dark and Stormy Night Twas indeed a stormy night upon the ocean. The breaking waves, as large as a lionse (that is, a house of their size) daslied madly over the deck. Tlie joker and the king of hearts were soaked through, the whole deck was a wreck. For days, tiie storm had torn the little craft almost in two and had at the same time washed all of the food overboanl. This morning tlie captain jiad ordered the sliip to lay to, and he had fried one, leaving the crew to scrandih- the other one. It was as dark as pitcli out and it seemed as if the ship could not hold up nnder the strain for another minute, boards were creaking, the pumps were taxed to their capacity, the masts had long before been torn away, no one even hoped for a chance to see the sun again. Alone in his cabin, the captain sat and thought of the unkind fate which had sent him out on this journey which was al)out to cost him his fortune, perhaps his life. In the midst of these thoughts there came a tremendous crash, a shock winch shook the little ship from stem to stern and back to stem again. The sound of many feet, racing up and down tlie i)assage-ways, started the cai)tain and he half rose in his chair. At the same instant, the door hurst open and one of the crew, wild-eyed witli fear and in a fren- zied fury shouted at the startled captain. "Would a tight between two Finns be called a Finnish tight". — J.B. S many keys across his wish bone that reading from h'ft to right it looks like 500 shares iu the Little B(tnanza Gold Mine. Just take a slant at that line u]). It looks like Mrs. O Grady's wash line on Mon- day iiiorning, everytliing from Phi Beta Kajjpa to a Ford magneto. This duke would even join a liter- ary society to get one of their keys if they liad em. Yeah Charlie you said a jaw bone's woitli when yo)! said lie was liusky. (!awd he would have to be wouldn't he or else all that hardware across his Ihora.x would make him liunip backed".' S When a man's in love he wants sympathy, not advice. I The Key Hunter The Key hunter is one of our most famous campus animals. He is the guy whose voice is tlie loudest and whose opini(ms weigh more than the Woolworth Tower. Always one can lind him stand- ing aloof from the nuiss with a sly cynical smile on his mush as though to say look at me. Here I am draped iu front of one of these choC(date dens of vice where pallid youth stagger forth reeking of malted milk and Coca C(da (adv). I stand and hold my coat open with my hands in my pockets. My how beautiful this line of tin wear is. I always dread to have to take off my vest in the sum- mer and I never have had any buttons on my benny, it never gets cold enough to keep a coat buttoned any way. Now you know of the innermost thcmghts of the jirofessional Key Hunter (comi)iled by Alia Axiom — adv.) Honestly the money that gump has spent and si)ends on keys would make the V. S. Treasury look like one of these apple stands on a day when business was poor. He has actually so I << I I Always the Latest'' With the best in Men's Furnishings and tailored-to-order clothes PRICES ARE RIGHT Fred G. Marshall ''The Arcade Clothes Shop'' *t*" "" Look My Studio may be secured for Fraternity and Sorority dances Mary Ellen McClain Studio 614 East Green I Garfield 3323 Champaign ,„, „,; „, ,., .. ,^\ [28] I JIREN Experience is a rough laniidress; she so seldoii replaces tlie buttons. An optimist is. among other things, a man wlio advertises for a lost fountain pen. — S Scandal is always welcome if it doesn't occupy a basket on your own doorstep. S Sweet mama Six feet tall: Sleeps in the parlor — Feet in the hall. Moral: Build vour own home. You will be satisfied at the College Hall Barber Shop Work done as it should be done bv Harrv Hartbank ii>^r>^>jfc^i^^fc^fc^ Prices on STETSON HATS for FALL averaging 25 /o lower than last year f^wAa It's a natural instinct of well-dressed college men everywhere to go straight to Stetson for Stetson Style g ^gj ^^^^ adequately Stetson Siuality ^ ^ ' Stetson Money's Worth cxptesses the Snap and '^l^^^'r^atu^e'/" "i^Or of Studcnt llfc. bv the Stetson Siuality Mark Mighty Satisfying too, in E-very Hat ^-q know how unques- tionably correct is Stetson style. STETSON HATS John B. Stetson Company, Philadelphia '^f^^^f w m wJMif w j ' mvi mg^ We Specialize In Furnishings for Sororities and Fraternities —* When you make your purchase of Moorehead's you are assured of quality, price and service We Solicit Your Charge Account MOOREHEAD FURNITURE COMPANY Neil and University IN THE BUSLNESS DISTRICT Champaign ! 4 [29] ir FROM Your plumbing- I CAN euEss - crusT VOUR STATE OF HAPPINESS- — From — Apperson's Little Plumber L. W. Apperson Plumbing and Heating Phone Main 906 120 S. Race St. URBANA +.- Our Point of View )'o// (-(III irrilr i/(jiir rln/iiics to the i(ii(Irr-(I()(/, A ml lots of people irill ii ad 'em; I injo)! i/niir rhi/nifs to tin- under- dot/. For III- HlldouhlidJ jl needs 'em. 1 o» (•(/// irrlie your rhijuiex to the uiider-dog. Oh poet, keep writ in f/ along; As lony (LS we're neit the under- dogs, We'll undoubtedh/ like your song. — A.L.S. S Xai — wliY is Aluy so sunbnrii- ed? Didn't know he went ont for athletics. lOve — Doesn't ; liis bed is on the sunny side of the porch. — Chapparal. S "Oh I This climb is so steep I Oan't I get a donkey to take nie lip'.'" "Lean on me, ladv". i 1 SW£M The Coffee that made "Sam" famous Whistle Inn TRY OUR AFTER LIBRARY LUNCHES Across from the Chem Building -* You Homecomers ! Satisfy That Sweet Tooth at Main Street Champaign Main Street Champaign Confectionery Our Fresh, Home-Made Candies and Jersey Ice Cream — Satisfy " The Home of the Famous Boston " 4.. — . — .,_„ . — „ — ., — .. — . , ,._, — „_. . — , — » — ._,._.. — 4. [30] Our Pastries are Rich and Pure Ever>'one likes to eat so why not make their visits more enjoyable? Our pastries taste best for "Its Quality that Counts." The University Pastry Shop 608 South Sixth Street Doity Woik ■•Tlu'iii jjuvs soitcnly Las got a iioive, Mamie — askiu' us to go lidin' wit 'em!" ■•Yoali, (lay must fink wo'ic a (•<>ui)la them "ere sorority goilsl" ■ S •luilge — You have been fount! guilty of petty larceny. What do you want, ten days or ten dollars? (itiilty Tarty— ril take the money. — Flam in go. S .Mary: "How wtmld you like to go for your honeymoon in an aeroplane?"' Lena : "Not me. I should hate to miss all the tunnels". -Mugirutnp. -S- Fashionable Eable: "1 had to pay live dol- lars and twenty-five cents for the stockings I am wearing". Brother: "Oh, well, it was well spent, for five dollars' worth is alwavs visible''. JIREN Dance Programs PARKER FOUNTAIN PENS STATIONERY BULLETINS Otir work has a quality and distinctiveness that we feel certain will appeal to yon GEO. D. LOUDEN PRINTING CO. Walnut St., Champaign 'Milk -Fed Poultry" At Thanksgiving Or any time you'll like our milk-fed poultry P^f^VEVAR.S T^ f^C^TEUS CAFES PirilfS^ CARS FRAT£RN(TC£S 51 Ghester Street MWA^m^K PACKER ^F /-^/e^ltsl 305 -^^ri^/- G/XR 1536 1-1. PAUL TICK MGR. neAT 5P£<^(ALT(£S CREESE GhdmpeviAn 111. [31] HREN The woman whose liusband was selected for her, +"■ selects a different sort for her dangliter ; the woman | ^^^ ^^^^ coffees will) did her own selecting does also. I -S I "Hard boiled" seems to be what one calls the ] person who does things that oneself cannot get by J with. I . S f "All the world loves a lover," in a book I I Then lie can be shnt up at will. I S I A blind date is a tifty-tifty chance. Columbus J took a chance, and discovered America. ! Spices and Extracts NOTICE to COMMISSARIES ■•+ I 1 I WE GUARANTEE SATISFACTION -S- Moonlight is a luxury — and someone always '*"" pays the tax. J S I Since the eighteenth amendment, time is reck- | oned thus : A.B. and E.N.B. — Anno Booze, and Era | of Near Bear. S There are two kinds of girls. The other kind | go on blind dates. 1 S I "Some dew!" exclaimed tlie geologist as he ran 1 his hands over the grass. "Some dont!" said the i student as lie ruefully rulibcd the side of his face. j. Champaign Tea and Coffee Co. 201 North Market St. Garfield 1586 Hite Bros. Jazz Shoe Shining Parlor THE ORIGINATORS OF JAZZ SHOE SHINING Cleaning, Pressing, Alteration a Specialty Accommodation For the Best Bell Main 883 311 E. Green— College Hall I "LEATHERBILT >t I i I ..if. -* I I I I I This s]>lcndid shoe is made according to our own specifications and bears our own trade mark. Best quality, ALL leather — rock oak soles, leather counters, sole leather toe boxes, leather insoles, reinforced back stays, padded tongues to prevent laces cutting instep, com- bination last — every detail of workmanship is of the highest tjiie. A feature of our men's shoe section Special at $6.45 W.Lewis 6^ Co. CHAMPAIGN 1 ■4 [32] JIPEN In the Trenches English Tomuiv (in poker game I — "Well. I'll wager a linlly pound on this". American Darky (holding foni- aces) — "Ah dunno too much 'bout yo' English money, but I"ll hump yo" a couple of tons". — Purple Coir . s Blessed be the tie that binds My collar to my sliii't. For underneath that silken baud Lies half an inch of dirt. — Aiiy/icaii. We Have a Surprise for Home Comers! Real Salads Chile Creamy Soups Fancy Sandwiches Chop Suey CTTT?'T T I Tiri? • Crane's Mary Garden Chocolates — your five pounders are here Prehn and Palmer Soda Luncheonette Green and Sixth On the Corner [33] SDXN ibii— im-^BU^— uu^— uu iiL^_m-^uii^— un — nil iiii— iiii "ti iii> «u im — iiii nn— nii iii ^ «{»ii :ni 'in ■in in Corner Green I (Hid fith m. I Second Floor 1 VISIT T/zg CAMPUS BOOT SHOP Our Shoes and Hosiery are Distinctively Individual and we have them for every occasion Southern Tea Room Lunches, Afternoon Teas, Dinners Banquets and Parties Phone Main 4203 ->■< GREEN STREET OF COURSE I 1 Try It! What? That New Cafeteria in Urbana Good Home Cooking and a Real Pleasure to Eat it in a Clean Place Gilliland Cafeteria [34] G. W. Lawrence Music Store Till' (inly |il,i((' vnii li;i\(' ;i ciioicc nC icciiiils, ( 'oliiiiihiu, N'ictdi-. Ill- liriiiiswick. Col- uiiil)i;i. Itiiiiiswick and \'ic- \< on t you Adam got a rib-roast. Where'er he is, we wish him joy; take a chair instead?" — (hirffoi/lc. And that pleasant little ditty, , S Somewhat broken and badly bent, _. . ^ „ ^ , No matter how young an onion " Tis passing strange , quoted is, it's always strong for its He said, "Going down", and down the literary youth as his compan- age. — A.L.S. he went. ion sevened for the seventh time. i Better Printing Will Improve Your House Publication! We urge those in charge of Fraternity and Sorority | U/->iiao "Piil-ilicQtinnc tr> nnll nnrl insnppt snmiilps I House Publications to call and inspect samples of House organs we have printed. You will find our work to be of a superior quality and we are equipped to deliver either one of the popular four page folders or a big book j hke the Siren - 1 1 ! I ■ I i I I I I I I i||i— uu un iin nil un m iin un nil— im— i*— 'u' uii-^mi^Liii— .m— uc-^im ud nn— lui— nu-^iiii ini an m nu UD^m.^un^iiu— mi— lui uM^im-^m-'—m^m^Ti^m^ui^ t381 ILLINI PUBLISHING COMPANY On Green Street — Champaign I JIfi£N Strauch's Artistic and Useful Gifts 625 South Wright Christmas Greeting Cards Now on Display t In the School of Childhood Tcjiclicr (ill ^«'(ifir;i|(liy chissi: "Can aiiyoiK' t(.'ll ini- wliei'e I'itts- liurfi is?"' Small \()icc ill rear: "I'li-ase ma'aiii tlic.v'ri' ]ila.viiij; in Clii- tapj". — I'aiillii r i J'ilt. ) S First Pi-of.— "Wt-ll. liow wvw voiir cxaiiiiiiatiniis?" Second I'ror. — "A (•(Piiiplflc siif- cess. lOvci-yliudy riunlccd". — l>ir(/c S "HtHMi to cliiii-cli tills iMorniiiii. Slioi-ty?" "Wliy. do my clot lies look as tlioiijjii tiicy've Iteeii slept in?" — fdrk-O-Linitcni. S Coed (coolly, to a freshman \\ ho has just picked iij) her hand- kerchietl : "Thank yon. But if I shoiilil happen to drop it again, |ilease don't bother. It wasn't yon J iiieant". — Froih. Iiirilr VIC t(i i/iiiir Iidusi-. jih tinr. — lUcclric A I IF you want prompt elec- tric sei-vice or supplies furnished you at once at the proper prices use your phone. We will furnish you an estimate on wiring that will cause you to say yes to the proposition. We are ready at all times to demonstrate our wares, our willingness and our abili- ties. rTTTTTlffiffTmiR CONSTRUCTION CD. INC.' Aecbr'n OPP. INMAN NDTEL. PHnNE EAR. PDI3 ' U. of I. SUPPLY STORE-On the Square | Hair Nets for Sirens Single and double mesh to match all colors of hair. Combs, too Also a full line of Harriet Hubbard Ayer's Fine Toilet Preparations. Also you will find here Hudnut's Three Flowers Specialties. Stationery Hurd's, Crane's and Whiting's — We can furnish you with the proper paper for all occasions, whether you are writing to a Sire7i or her grand- mother. U. of I. SUPPLY STORE-On the square Champaign Green and Wright [391 MBEM I An Orphan "Say, waiter, is this an incu- bator chicken? It tastes lilce it". "1 don't know, sir". "It must he. Any chicken that has liad a mother could never get as tough as this cue is". —Wampus (So. Calif.) Cafeteria 610 East Green St. Popular Prices VAUGHN^ SHOP>MEN '^alto Tljeatre 'Building o EHrc kings Colorpla'tcs PKoi'o-EngraVmgs J-Ld\)erVisin OSes J C40] I I ! •4 Why Is Iron Magnetic? A horse-shoe magnet attracts a steel needle. But why? I \X'e don't know exactly. We do know that electricity and mag- netism are related. In dynamos and motors we apply electro-magnetic effects. All our power-stations, lighting systems, electric traction and motor drives, even the ignition systems of our automobiles, depend upon these magnetic effects wh.ich we use and do not understand. Perhaps if we understood them we could utilize them much more efficientl}'. Perhaps we could discover combinations of metals more magnetic than iron. The Research Laboratories of the General Electric Company investi- gate magnetism by trying to find out more about electrons and their arrangement in atoms. X-rays have shown that each iron atom consists of electrons grouped around a central nucleus — like planets around an infinitesimal sun. X-rays enable us to some extent to see into the atom and may at last reveal to us v.hit makes for magnetism. This is research in pure science, and nothing else. Only thus can real progress be made. Studies of this 1 Ind are constantly resulting in minor improvements. But some day a discovery may be made which will enable a metallur- gist to work out the formula for a magnetic alloy which has not yet been cast, but which will surely have the properties required. Such a result would be an achievement with tremendous possibilities. It would improve all electric generators, motors, and magnetic devices. In the meantime the continual improvement in electrical machinery proceeds, in lesser steps. These summed up, constitute the phenom- enal progress experienced in the electrical art during the past twenty- five years. Gen General Office Schenectady, N. Y. 95-453H COwMRo ("e«Fie>-o mounang WHIP Lo/lar for fall rroW Jashion says: A little longer and a little larger knot cinched up tight at top of the band of the collar n^ich must be of medium M/idth mth close meeting front and preferably with neatly rounded corners"* '1 1931 h Hitii I iiiitHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiuiiniiiiiii. ii~ f »i a- <• ■^^i' <• lzf^Sh»- <• CHAMPAIGN (e He Will Say, How'd You Guess It? If Christmas means more to you than just the 25 th of December, choose a present for a man here at a Man's Own Shop. Warm his heart, his back, his chest, \\ s hands, or his feet, with one ot our splendid Ulsters, or one of our toasty-warm Knitted Jackets, or a pair of mellow-grained Gloves or some ribbed or clocked Hose. These are presents ot common sense, which, alas! is tar too un- coxnmon around Christmas time. 99 '> ■l;/:'K>.ol» < • ■■'c-:'a'"*^=l>- Everybody Wants a private stock of good sweets over the holidays. Everybody's taste can be suited in the variety of Whitman packages of chocolates and confections. Place your order with the near-by Whitman agency and double the value of your gift by select- ing an appropriate package. THE SAMPLER— chocolates and confections selected from ten leading Whitman's packages. The box is as quaint as the sweets ate good. A FUSSY PACKAGE— njt and hard center chocolates, beautifully boxed. SUPER EXTRA chocolates and confections — the quality which first made Whitman's famous. NUTS, CHOCOLATE COVERED— a rich, delicious assortment that enjoys wide popularity. PLEASURE ISLAND chocolates in a pirate's chest that recalls the ro- mance of R. L. S. SALMAGUNDI PACKAGE— super-extra chocolates. Metal box lac- quered in exquisite mosaic. A gift chat is sure to charm. LIBRARY PACKAGE— Shaped like a book. A new assortment of chocolates. Hand painted round boxes and fancy bags, boxes and cases in great variety STEPHEN F. WHITMAN & SON, Inc., Philadelphia, U.S. A. Sotemaker^ ofWhitman'i Instantaneous Chocolate. Cocoa arid Kiarshmallow Whip Whitman's famous candies are sold by URBANA ilouyios Bi'os University Pharmacy, 705 S. Goodwin Ave. Urbana Dioig Company, 111 W. Main St. CHAMPAIGN Schuler Bros. Arcade Confectionery (J. A. Thornhill) Mwm Colli (lit comes ivith elect ri- (itij. — Electric Al. KNOW conteiitineiit — know e 1 e c t r i c i ty . Know the best light — know electricity. Know the way to save labor and banish drudgery — know electrical helps. Know the shop where you'll get superior electrical supplies and service — know us. II.IJ.1WJI^4J-TIi CONSTRUCTION CD. INC.* 1 ! I I I Aectri >Hbhinq n-ical -y DPP. INMAN HOTEL. RHONE GAR. 1013 Weak-kneed gent, A pretty miss, Some mistletoe, Buck up — and kiss! The Coffee that made "Sam' famous Whistle Inn TRY OUR AFTER LIBRARY LUNCHES Across from the Chem Building 4... B I -* 1 I I INMAN HOTEL G. W. Byers and August Danielson Proprietors FIKEPKOOF MODERN ♦ A Home for Students and Their Friends when in Champaign |... Just Now OlIK assortment of Christmas greeting Cards is most complete. AVe are sliowing tlie most exten- sive display of these attractive cards in central Illinois. Those of you who are familiar with the Knowlton and Bennett line, tell your friends, they will appreciate it tlie same as you. Knowlton & Bennett URBANA "We Lead in Every Line We Carry" ..4. +« [2] Best Wishes of the Season— W'a hope you have a good time during your Holiday Vacation, and will be glad to have you with us again when after it's over. Berryman Bakery 213 South Neil (On the way to town) Bet He's An Angler iK'-.w Editor — .My little boy has worms. A\'liat will help him? Answoi- — Feed him lots of fish — they like "em. — Topics of the naif. S She — "Do you love tne best?" He — "You ought to kuow". — Octopus. S 'JO — "I got through college iu three years". '11— "That's uothiug, through in one". — Froth. S got He — I tell my roommate all I know. She — How delightfully quiet you must be at college. — Ex. S The Girl — Did I ever show you where I was tattooed? The Boy— No. The Girl — ^A'ell, we cau drive . around that way. — Brown Jur/. JnxN You will admire our workmanship in all lines of Dyeing and Cleaning Garments Called for and Delivered Promptly Carpets and Rugs Given Special Attention PARIS DYEING & CLEANING WKS. Call Main 1744 •——————" — —.—.—• " — • — — " — ,„_.„_,„,_.„_., — „ — „ — . — „ — „_.„_j_.. — ,„ — ,._.„_„_„_„ — . — ,„_.„_ 4, Pure Food Y OU can get it here and you may be assured of the best when so doing for the best is what we buy. We have a new and sanitary cafeteria and invite the public to inspect our kitchen We give away meal tickets Gilliland Cafeteria i ■4 [3J jnuEN -♦ Give Victrola Records for ideal Christmas Gifts Here, you may liave a clioice of Columbia, Victor or Bruns- wick records. Ask to Hear the New Releases for December We also have a large selec- tion of string instruments and saxophones. G. W. Lawrence 112 West Main St. URBANA I'm not iu love with Aunabelle Tliough it may seem eoutraiy. I'm not in love I know it well Her actions make me waiy. A lovelier maid I've never met And yet it seems a pity, I'm not in love my mind is set- (Bnt Annabelles' so pretty.) A '25. For the Best Eats Third Street Cafeteria and Delicatessen I I i I 1 § I i I 8 I The Store that Understands the Student Appetite 606 South Third g. a. ostkand Paul Grady '22 — * Moorehead Quality Foil yon, who seek distim-tiveness and originality, thoi'ongh and dependable con- struction, long uninterupted service in quality merchandise, we offer our special- ized service in complete furnishings for the home. In your selections you are assured of the most relialile merchandise, variety of coverings, fine finishes aiid lasting service and usefulness. We appreciate your charge account. MOOREHEAD FURNITURE COMPANY Neil and University IN THE BUSINESS DISTRICT Champaign [4] SIREN This is Wharf ul! She — 8ir, do you realize who you are speaking to? I am tlie (lniied over to a sorority, where he saw a damsel playing briilge with a youth. "My dear," said our hero, "are you ready ■?'■ The damsel trumped her partner's ace, thonght hard for a trice, controlled her features, and .said. "Well, canya beat it? I had forgot all about it. AVill you eveh forgive me? I can be ready in an hour — can you wait?" Xatnrally. he could waif. (At this point, the bridge-placing youth drops out of the plot, since he is but a minor char- acter.') So presently the young man who was bound to make a figure in this earth, together with the damsel, slipped through the gates of the place of the promenade, at the moment when the gentleman at the gate was trying to jiick his grandmother out of the crowd. And so they toddled happily ever after. III. (allegro) The writer did not attend the Junior rionie- nade, per actam Dei. Yet to him, afterward, can(e numerous enthusiastic reports of the success and joy of the occasion. The Promenade was successful, aesthetically, .socially, financially, and, it is trusted, morally. To the conmiittee the Siren extends con- gratulations. Something that has long been fretting us is this (|uestion of girls in the student opera. Just why they should not be permitted to appear in it is a most vexatious mystery. They have appeared in the welfare opera without any bad results, and have been in Mask and Bauble iiroductions for years. Why. then, should they not appear in the stu- dent o])era? They would better it a thousand ]ter cent. ft [9] HKEN The Boy Inventor Que bright day, I had been shaving myself, as is my usual custom every evening when I was called away to answer to a tele- phone call which was, indeed, of no consequence, but it was some time before 1 conld resume my in- terrupted task. I'lxin my return to my shaving slick and brnsli, I was possessed of the idea that someone had been using my safe- ty, but I had no facts upon which to base my assertion save that my once sharp blade was now a most dull affair. Thinking that per- haps there were others in like cir- cumstances in this world, I have invented this device which is so simple in its workings that even my kid brother could operate it. When you are not using your safetey, place it in the machine which fastens to the side of the razor, you may now leave the room, assured that no one will use your razor, for this instru- ment records both the name of the person who borrows it and the percent which he has dulled the blade which you have placed in it. Special attachments are now be- ing prepared so that the person who shaves with the "open faced" razor may purchase one of these machines. S She (icily)— "I wonder where all the men who can dance are?" He (feeling his sore foot) — "In dancing with the girls who can dance, I guess!" — Medley. To Kiss or Not to Kiss liv ('has. K. Xoyks If I should. What wonder? As you stand (Upon the porch) With perfume. Rouge and lipstick All alluring? If I should not Would you (perchance) Be disappointed? A little sin, A passing joy, A flash, A dream, A sigh. But you are so Adorable, So lovable. So quite, Quite, Kissable — The chimes toll twice. Good night. Thank God! Well! Well! Willie — Mother, my Sunday school teacher never takes a bath. Mother— Wliy, Willie, who told you that? Willie — She did. She said she never did anything in jirivate that slic wouldn't do in jmblic. ■ — Mi<^Jngan (Suniojilc S All Shades "Is this the liosiery depart- ment?" said tlie voice over the phone. "Yes", said the sales-lady. "Have you any flesh colored stockings in stock?" asked the voice. "Yes", said the weary sales- lady. "What do you want — pink, yellow or black?" — Burr. ■ — S Oh, damn! The Social Primer See the lady. She is a college gir-rul. Why does she sit so qui-ut like in the big chair? That is because she is tired. Why is she tired? She has to go to a dance this evening. She has to? Yes, my child; there is a State Law which makes lit-tul gir-ruls go to dances whether they want to or not. Dont the gir-ruls get very bord-like? Yes, my child, but they like to be bored. My goodness! "V\Tiy is tha-at? Because it is con- sid-ered ve-ry becoming to be that way. [10] SIREN The Kid Says- He ciislit'd ill some War Saviiifi-s Stamps ami at'tci' lillinj; out all till' applications and lornis. he certainly worked for his money. He had to wait in line as lonj; to get his bow tied for the I'roni as he did to ut't the ticiu-t. Interesting, If True Little Miss .MnlVelt 8at of on a tull'et, \'amping the live-long day; A rich fellow spied her And sat down heside her — Did he frighten Miss Mutiet— Oh! Say! -S- Fashion of Fauchette— I. I was lucky to glom This unusual frock Of pink deml-bock In time from the prom. from the Boncyard Anuiolocjy. Out of the slimy eddies Speaks a cheerful wraith: My name is Jones, But I don't mind that; In fact — I have kept a vow to be Forever cheerful. I read the Philistine, and the American Magazine. I had hoped to succeed By dint of cheerfulness. Enthusiasm, and thrift. But once. At a football match When our side lost, I said, "Cheer up, classmates! Just think, how glad How Glad The Visitors are — " And so The Boneyard got me. 8 Mother — Now, Hazel, can you give me any reason why I should not punish you for being naughty? Hazel — Yes, ma. Doctor said you weren't to take any vi'lent exercise. — Guclph (Out.) Mercury S Jlother — Come Keith, don't be a little savage — kiss the lady. Keith — No, she's a naughty lady. If I kiss her she'll give me a slap just as she did to papa. — ^S Miss Inquisitive — Did you cele- brate the Fourth of July, Doctor? Dr. Soquem— No, the fifth. Tlie Kid Says- it's fiimiy to see a campus ("op chasing a student and scared to death tiiat he'll catch him. I'roliiliition is a great thing. Nobody ever knew how swell liquor was before 1!)1!). fie never tasted chee.se. He could never gel close enough. He can't uiiderslaiid wliy soror- ities pull down the siiades when we've got the honoi- system here. The only thing economical about Economics is the grades. "Oh, what a weak-end," moaned Frosh, as he stopi)ed the Satui-- day night paddle. S How many cigarettes does Rollo smoke a day? Oh, any given number. — Tiger. S Fashionsof Fauchette— II This is one in a million — A seamless, with sash, Trimmed with purple and pash — Purchased for the C*tillion. — (adv) [11] ssBm Philander Peripatetica A fine, blue, winter Saturday. Down tlie street meander, In amiable converse, Philander and Muriel, class of '22 — bound for the vaudeville. And Phil continues, saying, Muriel, I wish that I had known you long ago. You're awful good comp'ny. And Muriel replies. Oh Phil, It's nice to be natural now and then, this life is so artificial, dont you think, and I feel jus' as natural with you! And Phil, who has always been in the Lit school says, we are sympatica, Muriel, sympatlca. I want to see a lot of you the rest of the year. Whereupon Muriel, since she is a senior too, says, you prob'ly dont mean that, Phil, but it sounds very nice for the afternoon. Then, you're a good scout, Muriel, says Phil. I dont usually like people, but I sure like to bum around with you. And so in the sunshine they talk, very cozy and friendly, through the afternoon, through the vaudeville, through everything, for, as you can plainly see, they are not average young people, and they apreciate the fact. They part at six, and agree, in Phil's words, that they'll be comrades, or pals, or something of the sort. For that's the way that kind of day effects young people of more than ordinary cleverness. [12] mSEN ONCE- South Campus*Igloo Dorms A couple are dauciug. He i^5 rougli and it-ady liaving worked in Dean's oifice the preceding year. A hnulu'ring vokol bumps into them and the man swears a hit in low tone of voice, (ilrl understands hut says, "I'm insulted." "So'm I" he grunts. It hajipens again and she tells him that slie is insulted and he again replies in the atl'irmative. The third time the man in a loud tone of voice sounds olf to tiie entertainment of those near him. "This is the third time this has happened" and tiie girl makes him feel low by glaring at him. "If it happens again I will leave the floor. I am quite angry." "So am 1" he says, "If he does it again well both get off." -S- The Musings of Morpheus Mudd "Tis truly a most pleasant thing, altliough a trifle crazy, When rendered langorous in the Spring, to lean against a daisy. I often ponder on liie fact, that though the Spin- ach's ripe, Some time before the second act, they always order tripe. • » » * My friend, I lead a life of rest you ought to do the same; 1 find I'm at my very best, a-watching of the game. « • • » This game of life is hard as nails; I hold that it is wise To perch aloft and watch the game, and gently criticize. » » « » AATieu not too tired I stay up nights and watch the silly moon, ilockiug the sentimentalites who rhyme it u]) with "croon" And occasionally with "spoon." * « » * And tomorrow's anoihei- day, — M.M. There is a rumor abroad that .several of the ingenious architectural students, in an effort to squeeze luci'e enough out of their allowance for one more date a week, have devised a jiian of cutting down expenses. If Mother iS'ature is favoraiile with sulVicient snow, it is the purpose of these minds, some time after Christmas to build a group of ice domiciles after the latest some where on the South Campus and will be strickly modern in every detail. Electric heaters are to be ingeniously embedded in the ice walls themselves. Because of the brilliancy of the niiuds of those who are planning this venture it is estimated that no special lighting system will be necessary as the students w'ill be able to study with in the light of their own illumination. The plan has attracted world wide attention and other Universities are only waiting the con- sent of the originators before adopting tliese winter dorms. The only difficulty seems to be in the accoustic properties of ice. Sound waves, be they ever so melodious issuing from the average slumbering stu- dent soon sets the ice walls to vibrating to such an extent that they become red hot; and thus make it uncomfortable to sleep inside the some what nar- row confines of this otherwise most practical igloo- bungalow. S— The Coal Committee of the Amalgamated Church of the Twin Cities is to meet Monday night one hour after dark behind the I. C. freight depot. Committee members are requested to bring their own gunny sacks, as those of the church were lost in the adjournment of the last meeting dtie to the visitation of the police. S Stude : "I've been lired from better places than this." Houncer: "Yes, but never any (juicker.'' — Javk-o-LatUeni. ri".i HREN OH riVH* A/O' -^ -A <3 m <; fe NfS't/n Dodger. . S Blue Monday Mary Minta Remenil)er how it increases your ire when you sit in front of the tire And yon are bored. The wit ?, of the house clown sends your feelings down and down As laugh after laugh He has scored. At the end of every hit you slide into the pit With hopes for now and ever floored Oh you feel that as a rule you're a simple simeon fool With a bean just like the ordinary gourd And you know there's no excuse So what in hells the use You're just bored. S Jack : "I hit a guy in the nose yesterday and you should have seen him run". Mack: "That so?" Jack: "Yeh; but he didn't catch me". — Widow. My name is Mary Minta Frye; I hope I am a lady; I hope to wed before I die A bird named Egbert Brady. My portrait, which above is seen, Is one Ma never saw; Nor Egbert either; and, I ween. It's still unknown to Paw. For since September I have changed, And I am changing yet; Observe how well my hair's arranged: Observe the cigarette. When I'm at home it's otherwise; Lost, there, my ardent glance; 1 wash the dishes, sweet and wise; I hardly ever dance. But now I'm running with the pack, To be coeducated; For I must live e'er I go back. With Egbert to be mated. So all in all, dear reader, dont Be awed by my endeavor To be a little vamp; I wont Continue so forever. The queens you see at Bradley Hall, Are, chez lue, not queens at all. And likewise, many of the princes. On their Main Street, are merely quinces. Diffident '21 : "When you have another's arms about you, do you ever think of me?" She of 23: "Sometimes, if I happen to be riding by a brew- ery". — Pelican. Pitchers Have Ears A little saying from a seven- year-old girl. Neighbor : How is your mother this morning? Little Girl : My mother is at the hospital. Neighbor: Why! I did not know your mother was ill. Little Girl : No, it is my aunt who is ill. Neighbor : What is the matter with your aunt? Little Girl : She has a had head- ache. Neighbor: Why! I did not know any one went to the hospital for a bad headache! Little Girl (looking up quickly with a very interested, bright look on her face) : That is not the real reason, I think; they are spelling things on me. — Christian Bcgii^trr. I'^ine feathers make fine feather beds. S .t»,^J^.^ «**»»»" ^ He : Shall we go to the theater, dearie ? She: But I haven't a thing to wear. He: Well, put it on and we'll go to the opera. S He: Have you tried the new elevator dance? She: No what are the steps like? He : There aren't any. — Mainiac [16] mSEM He gy. '^cLtinpfl'T . An Archaic Idyll Place — University golfing field. (Miin showing import view from first tee. An- other man tries to drive off, swings at hall, hreaks (lull and profanely digs sod ont of eyes; all within easy range.) Him— "Well what do you think of it?" Her — "Prettv coarse." Curses From the shades a dusky jingo headed straight across my way, Eyeballs lurid 'ueath the street light. Now the devil is to pay! F <~A/Misi 305 ^^A&f' GAR 1536 H.PAUL TICK MGR. Gh6Tnp6.i4n -._.* k [19] HREN S'Odes "I take from out iiij packet symbols thrice, Two are for pleasure, one the price." (Saxe). To tliee the first, fair goddess of the dance ; Skinned shins and scuffled suede, IjOw decollete and ironed pants Those unskilled and those you made. And so to thee then Orpheus the great. I slumbered 'neath thy bowers. Quips and pus of vintage '98, And latest music? languisheth my hours. And last to thee god, whiskered, fat; My watch has past thy way, My checkered vest, studs, sunday hat. Companions, all have gone to stay. I liold within my packet synd)oIs three, All three are void they dont mean much to u A '23. . ' ■ * DICK MINER Plumbing and Heating Contractor IDEAL HEATING BOILERS Phone Main 561 219 West Main Street UBBANA, ILLINOIS . ™ m, m, ,■« «,_nn^ini nil m. rm - m !■ Iftt " " °4' *t*l^~W M— ■ M^— M^— M^— mj-^UB^— M^— m^— »B I Ml— M^— M^— MB^— IM UK ■■Ml^— M^^mi^— Wl^— nU— W^— 1^— M^— ™^— m^— ™— HM IB UB i™ IM -»- [201 Christmas Vacation 111 aiiticiimtion of joyous restful iliiys aiuoiij; your folks and fi-ieuds — help to make iiieiiy by taking a gift fioiu the University towu — peruse the 8tock of Gold and Silverware Diamonds and Art Goods Watches and Emblems in Gold and Silver Wuititi iixin — Vhampaiiju'K Lradhi;/ Jeweler Wuesteman goods of character and quality built to last a lite time SIREN Skate ! At the Twin City Rink rieuty of fun and enjoyable exercise amid pleasant and re- fined environment. Admission Skates and Service. .25c -25c 50c Every Afternoon 2 to 5 Every Evening 7 to 12 322 N. ffickory On the way to the Orph. + — - Oh, Mister! TRY OUR BOX CANDIES and LIGHT LUNCHES MAIN STREET CHAMPAIGN MAIN STREET CHAMPAIGN CONFFGTIONBRY A full line of Whitman's, Foss' and Morse's Candies (One, two, three and five pound boxes) Schuler's Home-made Candies and Jersey Ice Cream — SATISFY! [21J I S I HREN "I Do Solemnly Swear" Being a Sermon by Shimshin Hagibor More than one word is "loo often profaned."' Mark Twain said there onght to lie a room in every liouse known as the Swearing Room iu which we were to do onr swearing nnrestrainedly in order not to do it in pnldic. t^ince we have not acted on tliis suggestion, we are taking the consequence of the neglect. "Wherever yon go, whatever yonr situation in life, you hear, and yourself use, conversation sonietliing like this: "Sa .shame! ^Vhy the dont they keep them books on the shelves the way they oughta?" You go into a barber shop. ••Well now,"' says the only man who ever does any talking in a barber shop, "if it wasn't for them Japs wantin' to run the whole world everything would be fine. Or even them Englishmen. Why the . . ." and so on. On the way home a little boy on skates bumps into you, knocking the ashes from your cigar. "Holy ! Why the cant 70U look where you're goin'!" you howl. " it, a man aint safe no more these days!" Then maybe you get home and find the front door locked. You bang on it. Then you say: "For ! Somebody come and open this door! Think I wanta stay out all night and freeze? !" You get a letter from home. You open the envelope. No check. Your remark is, "Oh, !" In the morning the alarm clock announces it is time to get out of bed, which, naturally, yon hate to do. So you .say, I "You taught me language, and my profit on it it, I know how to curse." says Caliban. Everyone has ob.served that when foreigners come to our country, tl-iey usually leai'u to curse long before they are taught the language The reason is not for to seek. We all talk like that: college iirofessor (Not all, surely, Shimshin. Surely not i\]].— Editor) the bootblack, and intermediate stations. Once I went to a Mixer. Somebody came up, read my tag, and exclaimed : "Oh! So you're from New Jersey?" "You're right I am !" I said. Do You Worry? about what you shall give, her, him, or it foi- Christmas? Do you stay awake nights scratching your head for ideas and find them even more scarce than clean shirts when you need them? Don't Do It- because for one little, round dol- lar, — silver, paper, gold, or dance ticket — the problem may be solved. Drop the dollar and the name of your beneficiary in the office of The in the Union Building and we will send her, him, or it a neat Christ- mas card informing her, him, or it of your kindness in being re- sponsible for the five remaining issues of said Siren. HERE IT IS ALL BOILED DOWN LIKE A MESS OF HOME BREW You pay one little berry and we send any place yoii say a copy of every remaining issue of the Siren. That's all. +._» [22] HREN + — .- Because Paris Insisted— The influence of saudal effects is felt in dress shoes. This note conies from Paris — but notice that it is not extreme. SNYDER & SNYDER Bvadlev Arcade 312 Hickory St. Look in Our Window Today ! A\'licii vdU ai-c out walkiii}; to- day fjo pa.*^! our slorc and set- our Window. We are (iroird ol" it and we want yon to .set' it. We arc sliow- inVffi» t »W^ ?»fi [24] I jniEN SEND IT TO GORDON'S FOR CLEANING { 511 S. Goodwin Avenue /ViNIU I IX lLoO 1 IN VJ 4232— Main j i S Main Street, Champaign Phones: Garfield 1121; Main 1 j I I I Smith & Picard I Meats Brought from the Farm to You Direct ] • HOME KILLED MEATS, POULTRY, PORK I AND LARD I I I "Champaign's Cleanest Market" i WHOLESALE RETAIL I I i. ._._. . .__._, ._„_,_. ._. ._. ._„_„_. „ i Laundry Depot At 510 Green Street is for your convenience. You will find it a Real Pleasure to do business with Mr. and Mrs. Keagy White Line Laundry White Line Cleaners and Pressers Main 406 4— >— . „_._._._,._._„_,_._._._„_„_._„_._„_._—»—„ — ._„_.._,. „_._„_«_.._„_„_„_._._»— .+ +. . ._._._._„ ._._._._._„ ._. ._._. . . ..— » — + ! It Costs No More to Buy a Kelly We have seldom indulged iu superlatives. Kelly quality has been so well established that it hasn't been necessary. To-day, Kellys are belter than ever, but their price has been mater- ially lowered. Exhaustion of war-priced material and economies made possible in the new (''und)erland Plant have l»rought down costs and, tliis saving is beinj; passed alonf; to the u.ser. Churchill, Bengston & Miller, Inc. (Successors to Urbana Harness Co.) 115-117 North Race Street URBANA. ILL. AUTOMOBILE TIRES AND ACCESSORIES— AUTO TOP REPAIRING I .—.—.— .4. [25] SIREN i PUT NEW PLUMBING- IN YOUR HOUSE- )TIS SURE TO PLEASE/ VoUR_ SPOUSE I LET us tell you of something that will make your wife happy. Place In her kitchen and bathroom the plumbing and the accessories that she told you about such a long time ago. Don't you think that it would surprise her and please her? We do. L. W. Apperson URBANA Main 906 120 S. Race St. Teacher — "Paul, write a short theme ou the subject of baseball". Paul hauded in the following : "Rain, no game". — Portland Oregonian. S Margy — "I don't understand liaseball at all, do you?" Mabel — "AVhy, you don't have to understand it. Everytliing is decided by a man they call the vampire !" — Hnuth Bend Tribune. S Why Be Without ajTypewriter? Tommy — Motlier's tin-owing plates at father. Visit(n" — Is she angry with him? Tommy — No, but she's workin" 11]) to it. — Boston Transcriiit. S Mini.ster — There, lilllc boy. I wouldn't cry like that. Boy — How would yoti cry, then ? This is the only way I know. — Neio York Herald. 2l month vone 5^ Corona The Personal Writini Machine i THAT'S how easy it is to pay for Corona, the little 6} 2-pound typewriter you can fold up, take with you, write with anywhere. Phone us today for a free demonstration. R. C. WHITE & CO. 612 Green— M. 922 ..-+ Christmas Apparel of Distinctive Fineness for University Women McAllister Stores Where every effort is made to satisfy the apparel wants of the University girl. The maximum of Style, Quality, and Value is combined to insure complete satisfaction. Main Street Urbana 'The Urbana Store for Women" [26] Bill's Christmas Neckties I FOUND Bill industriously wielding the old Waterman. "What's the big idea?" I inquired in the classic vernacu- lar of John and Daniel streets. "It's me Christmas list," he responded proudly, ceasing his work and negotiating the loan ;f_^ of a cigaret and the inevitable match. Bill never .seems to have anything but the appetite as the old joke goes. "Just checking over the old Christmas list," lie e.xplained. "I always like to take home a few presents for the men of the family, I've found it pays to do my little shopping right here on Green street instead of waiting till 1 get home. , ^] "And I've found that the gift that gets across with dad and the rest of the men is a top-hole necktie. "And I've got dad Just the kind of conservative tie that he likes — it's a neat check in blue and black — hand-made from English silk. It's one of those Keys and Lockwood ties. This particular material hasn't been on the market since before the war. "Cost like sin?" I interjected. "Nope. Only two bucks. "Fred, my older brother, is a fiend for toppy neckties. I found him a French moiret — guess I'm getting to be an expert, what? — in stripes. This was a Keys and Lock- wood, too. Handmade and everything. Set me back three bucks but it's well worth it. And Fred's pretty good to write when there's a pinch." Bill borrowed another cigaret. I'm pretty good, too, when smoking is scarce, I guess. "Johnny, my kid brother, is a senior in high school," Bill resumed. "You can guess he's pretty particular about his ties. I got him a 'Scotchspun' — another handmade tie. Its woven over Scotland by the families of the village that turns out famous tweeds. This nicked me two dollars but wait till Johnny swaggers around with that tie on — I won't begrudge it. The very fact that the tie is hot from the Illinois campus will increase its desirability in his eye." "Well, does that conclude the neckwear saga?" 1 asked. "Yes, except that after getting these scrumptious ties for the folks, I had to get one to wear home myself," said Bill. And I sure got myself a bird — an English knit tie. Heather mixture — six different colors, you can count 'em. There were good knits much cheaper but, oh, boy. I just had to have it. Stood me three bones but it will last forever." I suggested that Bill must have done a lot of running around to get just the ties he wanted. "Not a bit of it," he replied. "Got 'em right here at Zom's. The old boy's got more classy neckwear than you ever saw." Me for Zom's this week. I'm going to take home some of those delectable ties, too. FOR THOSE WHO ARE PARTICULAR PAlLmLL FAMOUS CIGARETTES [ounds Do not have to be tapped, squeezed or loosened. A round cigarette (plain end) with a free and easy draught. ^\j in the new foil package. ^ ej/ areaood taste PALL MALL (REGULARS) PLAIN OR CORK, IN BOXES OF 10, 50, 100 AS USUAL t27J SIREN READ! With the Aid of Right Lighting ! Arithmetic, grammar and spelling — tough propositions for children. Yet, like the help of an older mind, right lighting can do its part to make them easier. Won't you let us help solve your lighting problem? CHANDLER ELECTRIC SHOP 107 W. Main St. t We'd Like to Meet Dick t "Strange, Dick likes Gladys so". '■^Miy, she's not bad". "That's what makes it so sti-ange". — Exchange. -S The clock struck nine. 1 lookei'oj;raiii". —Thr Owl. 8 + — — — — + Lawyer: AVill SlTi.OOO for breach of ]iroiiiise, l)e puiiisliiiieiit enough for him? The Aggrieved: No, I want liiiii to marry me. — The Owl. S I always was superstitious. I didn't know whether to marry Anna or Mary, and I picked up a cigai- on the street, an' bless me if it didn't say Havana, so I took Anna.— r/ic Owl. S •J" Judge: Can't this case l»e set- tled out of court? Kelly : Sure, 'that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police intvtrfered. —The Owl. Mullikin Cash Store College Girl Corselettes tor the "oorsetless figure' $1.50 to $3.50 S:lk and Wool Hose $1.50 to $:3.50 Satinette Bloomers at $2.95 -+ A nnouncing The Opening of the BEST BILLIARD PARLOR IN THE UNIVERSITY DISTRICT We Handle Orpheum Tickets 621-623 East Green St. (Over Twin City Cafe) CAVANAUGH BROS. —ED. CAVANAUGH +— — — " * [29] Qi 35 Wiped out in cigarettes ■ I You carit help but lljke idem! %ey are DIFFERENT -7);ey are GOOD Polly Fm Surprised ! Polly put the kettle on: Polly put the kettle on; Polly put the kettle on ; And i)ayed no further iittention toil. S Dear Teacher — Now, Otto, wiiere is < "haiiii.aii;!!? Smart Otto — Near the Clianipaiijn ("ountr.v Club. i^ — -"'^-''^^^ Prices on STETSON HATS for FALL averaging 2S% lower than last year iMMM- Stetson has always taken particular pride in college men's un- failing approval of Stetson style. A critical clientele, and one whose influence makes itself felt far beyond the campus. Stetson Style Stetson Siaality Stetson Money's IVorth The same (ndav as for 56 years assured by the Stetson Siuality Mark in E-very Hat STETSON HATS John B. Stetson Company, Philadelphia ^■^t ^V^P^IF^ I HREN Complete Satisfaction with your present appearance is dangerous Think it over ! GELVIN'S CLOTHES SHOP 510 East Green ■Clothes that Make the Man" How About Taking Home An Electrical Christmas Gift Let )is help you decide Summers Electric Co. :Ut; N. Hickory St. Main 4564 CHAMPAIGN "Electrical — Practical — Economical" I I ■ I [31] I HREN "Vee haf a new l)ai)_v j^iiil at our lioiise", said the liappy male parent. "Veil, veil", said the listener, "and \i>1 did yiin call her?" "Vee called lier 'Kose' ". "After vot did you name her dat?" "After she vass born". S Willie — Ma, wliat do tliey mean hy a "measured tread?" Mamma — For example, your iatlier's tread, wh'.'U he came home last night measuring about two <|uarts. — Drtrnif Free I'rcsis. Whistle's Place Formerly run by Dusty Roads ( >i(lers taken for all kinds of pastry and tilled on sliort notice .">12 E. Daniel St. I I C. O. WILLIS, Prop. V csiRns E4rckm§s Colorpla*tcs PKofo-EngraVings ^ yo> — J'LchJertisino jAirposes G.R.Grudd S Co. C K a m n a 1 oj n . 1 1 1 i n o I s I -.4. Seven Practical Xmas Gifts No gift will be appreciated so much by IlUni men and women as a year's subscription to one of the following campus publications: The Illinois Agriculturist The Illinois Magazine The Technograph The Enterpriser The Daily Illini The 1923 Illio The Siren ^ Yoii may subscrilie for any of the above pviblications at the office of the Illini Publishing Co. 617 E. Green SI. CHAMPAIGN [32] Hiilorf or Ctoo\cs Tide How Were X^Rays Discovered? SIR James Mackenzie Davidson visited Professoi Roentgen to find out how he discovered the X-rays. Roentgen had covered a vacuum tube, called a Hittorf or Crookes tube, with black paper so as to cut off all its light. About four yards away was a piece of cardboard coated with a fluorescent compound. He turned on the current in the tube. The cardboard glowed brightly. Sir James asked him: "VvT-.at did you thmk?" "I didn't think, I investigated, " said Roentgen, fie wanted to know what made the cardboard glow. Cnly planned expcrim.cnts could give the answer. We all know the practical result. Thousands of lives are saved by surgeons who use the X-rays. Later on, one of the scientists in the Research Laboratory of the General Electric Company became interested in a certain phenom.enon sometimies observed in incandescent lamps. Others had observed it, but he, like Roentgen, investigated. The result was the discovery of new laws governing electrical conduction in high vacuum. Another scientist in the same laboratory saw that on the basis of those new laws he could build a new tube for producing X-rays m.ore effec- tively. This was the Coolidge X-ray tube which m.arked the gre::test advance in the X-ray art since the original discovery by Roentgen. Thus, scientific investigation of a strange phenomenon led to the discovery of a new art, and scientific investigation of another strange phenomenon led to the greatest improvement in that art. It is for such reasons that the Research Laboratories of the General Electiic Company are continually investigating, continually cxplorinf^ the unknown. It is new knowledge that is sought. But practical results follow in an endless stream, and in many unexpected ways. General OfiSce C O HI D ^ O V Schenectady. N. Y. Gus Yortzes H. M. Spang ■ ■■' - ■■" '^ ' 1 : v^^-L E;t;-iS|!HKiifi^^, ,,-,-i)y"'.; Pi J il ■iiiBf it§ ^M\-^*- ^Mte„ '** ^g^B Twin City Cafe No. 2 The ILLINI Tribe is eatherin IHE rallviiij; ci-y is s () II II (1 i 11 i;. \'ali;iiit hraves and lieautit'iil iiKiideiis hear the call. They hiirrv iu from the (-did mist of evening with joy and expect- ancy iu their eyes. The day's Inint li;;s been h)iig; tliey are tired. They are anxious to reacli the camping phice where warm food, heautifnl mnsic and pleasant sur- rounding await them. These noble Indians never had such a rallying jd^ce as this before. No wonder they love it. TWIN CITY CAFE 621 East Green .... Champaign .... 1\0, ^ Twin City Cafe No. 1—309 N. Neil St. AT YOUR SERVICE ALL NIGHT JUIEN ^itLMdi' MAR 1 " 1922 • EDICATED TO NO^'^RNSE, SATIRE AND CRITICISM How shall we know you winter maid? By your pink cheeks? Oh never! For oft in summer have your cheeks been pink. By fair means or by foul. Your furs, I think. Magnificent, of rat, or skunk, or mink, are what I know you by . A dollar down — (Don't frown; that's what you paid) . . . .And fifty cents forever. VIID-YEAR NUMBER L^"^-'^'^— ■ . MCMXXII ^ ^^3^^S: a: M»»»^WX»*n»**«»»<>^H»: yuiitli lifwuie the fond gazelle, I'^lse you will iiresently icf^rct it. In odicr (lays tlu-y pined and died, Hnl now tlicy sue UH:hinq 1 metrical * DPP. INMAN HOTEL. fNONE EAR. iai3 ..-+ Gilliland's Cafeteria The food we serve is the best that money can buy. Our experience in the selection of food products is such that you can rely upon the kind of a meal that will be served to you in this new and up to date cafeteria L 117 South Race Street— Urbana [3J ! •4 SIREN Victrola Records Here you may have a clioice of Victrola, Col- umbia or Brunswick records. Ask to Hear the New Releases for February We also have a large selection of string in- struments and saxaphones G. W. Lawrence 112 West Main Street URBANA »■* ODE TO A GRECIAN STEIN John Keats oncp caroled well about The beauties of an empty urn, And told its graces in and out, In lines whose cadences still burn. Now, I would pick no such for mine; The vase I'd praise, could I begin it, Would be a common 'graceless stein — Provided there were something in it. Arcade Barber Shop Cushing Bros. Prop. IN ORDER 1 "Gush" 2 "Ray" 3 "Sam" 4 "Jack" Let us demonstrate the Scott Sharpener, it gets results from all the safety blades in exist- ence. see "Gush" He Knows I »-♦ Moorehead Furniture Company Neil and University Avenue CHAMPAIGN, ILL.. EVEEYTHING in Home furnishings. A most complete line of Furniture, for every room or use in the home. Featuring all requirement for Olubs, Fraternity, and Sorority houses. We Are Especially Well Equipped in Oui- Rug Department ^— mi [4] iiu<^n^ I JIKEN -+ + Eversharp Headquarters We carry a complete assortment of Eversharp pencils comprising the entire line. When you buy don't he satisfied without having seen all the different styles made. We carry them all. If you now possess an Evei-sharp and have need of any repairs we are equipped to take care of you promptly. Come in and see the line, we are glad to show you, there is no obligation. Wr Lead in Every Line We Carry Knowlton & Bennett Urbana TlIK ORIGINAL— (Never Duplicated) Look For the Three Cows Always delicious, iii\ij;(Maliii}; ;uid re- freshing. Health and strength in every glass. Ask for and get "Horlick's" at foun- tains. Keep a jar in your dormitory, frat, cluh or room. The favorite food drink of students and athletes for over a tiiird ccntni-y. — Avoid Substitutes I 1 Hot and Cold Ice Cream Eat ice cream in the summer because it is frozen, and will, in melting, elim- inate a certain amount of your excess heat. Eat it in the winter because the butter-fat, eggs, and sugar iu ice cream are all efficient heat-producers. Only be sure that the cream you get is ours. Then you can be sure that it not only will have the flavor that has made it the favorite, but you will have the assurance that the ingredients will be of the highest standard of ([uality and purity. It pays to insist on our ice cream. Phones: Garfield 2107 Main 175 Champaign Ice Cream Co. 111-115 E. University Street The ARCADE CONFECTIONERY 'Mr. and Mrs. Jimmie" +— rr.i HREN Si^n on the Dotted Line — ♦ w Camel says; "You can sign your name to this"; and when we read it our thought was of fountain pens. Sign on tlie dotted Une. When you touch your pen to tlie paper does it write? Or do you have to shake and cuss the thing to make it flow. Conklin, Sheaffer, Waterman, Moore; these pens are made by firms who have through years of experience developed a finished product. They are represented by dealers throughout the United States and in Europe. We guarantee to fit yom- hand, and to see that the ink flows properly. Our organization will be here permanently. For satisfaction In pens come to the "Chuck" Baily 606 E. Green -Managers — 'Shelby" Himes I +- L6J J]fi£N Scholastic Pastimes > The Geology Field Trip [7] I T. P. BouRLAND, Editor; Geobge B. Switzer, Art Editor; G. V. BlCHA^-A^^ Jr., Contributing Editor; Jack Tuttle. Exchange Editor; Hokex Hoie, Contributing Artist. J. A. NrcKOii.s. Business Manager: R. R, Fowi.er, Assist- ant Busiurss Manager; R. J. Weber, Advertising Manager; R. H. FKRor.so.x, Cireulation Manager. Editorial Staff A. L. Steaus L. M. Stormont Agnes Vbooman L. F. Thicus o. d. bcbge d. c. axlex Chas. E. Noye.s Business Staff G. E. Darling R. E. Denzel C. R. Defexbaugh Burt Hltid J. A. Taylor . Hugh Fechtman Floyd Mochox W. C. RUNKLE J. O. Keth Mary Werts Helex Booth Bruce Cowan Art Staff G. V. Buchanan Dorothy Schdlzb Beatrice Adams Helen Hottinger Martin Topper Constance Fbeeslan M. R. Marx C. W. Baughman J. J. Bresee Elizabeth Boggs i Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the postoffice at.Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 106 University Hall, Urbana, Illinois. trope it was necessary to repeat all that came before, be- ginning with the letter A. So the learjjed one departed, saying that he would straightway memorize the Brittanica backward, so that Z might be as accessible as A. Whereat he who desired enlightment as to Zeotropes uttered ribald- ries and threw mudballs. There is no moral, for are not final examinations given and taken in all our best reg- ulated colleges? On the New Year And this is nineteen twenty-two! May it bring your- selves and ourselves and all of us that felicity which we so richly deserve, but which unfortunately exists in great part only in Christmas tests. Nineteen twenty-two! A quiz or so, and a bit more snow, and then Spring. So the days will drift, until we find ourr-elves in a new winter, with new hopes for a new year. And another blase young man will write a similar effete editorial. In non-reading communities, the writing of editorials is diverting and harmless. On the Late Unpleasantness It is related that in a far country a man once mem- orized the Encyclopoedia Brittanica. After performing this amazing labor he fared forth to dis eminate knowledge to all who thirsted. The first man he met desired to know what a Zeotrope might be. The learned on thereupon dis- covered that before he could repeat the definition of Zeo- On Fraternity Back Yards The front door: well-kept parkings, swept walks, smooth terraces, trimmed hedges, polished shoes, welcom- ing hands. The back door: ash cans and ash cans, ashes with- out cans, cans without ashes, torn paper, old shirts, bot- tle:=, busted furniture, busted bed-springs, litter, litter, ashes to ashes. In the sacred name of your future wives, gentlemen, tidy up! On an Obligation It is now time, and past time, I think, for the first installment of the Stadium notes to be paid. No doubt I am but repeating what the Illini has by now said often — but: Be good children, and keep your obligation. You signed the note. Borrow if necessary. I, for one, have borrowed in less worthy causes. Do not, hypothetical reader; take these remarks in a personal sense. I know right well you pay your debts. These remarks are, as usual, for the other fellow. [8] JIREN On Traditions ■■'Tis a line bright morning; let's go out and inaug- urate some traditions!" Of course, my friend, 1 agree with you. Damn tradi- tions — especially those that do not exist. And above all, let us not confuse them with insur- ance regulations. To look for a flock of traditions at this fine young democratic institution of ours is as preposterous as to expect wisdom teeth in the head of an infant-in-arms. On Soup and Fish Wisely and well, somebody eliminated flowers and favors from the schedule of the fraternity formal. They were too expensive. Undemocratic, too, someone said — but that's another rtory. Now the formal as formalled by our best fratties, consists of three elements superimposed upon the informal, namely: flowers, favors, and the dress suit. The dress : uit remains. Here in our native pastures, the dress suit, and eke the "tux" — , is not the customary garb for evening wear, as it is in some other communities. We dont seem to run to that sort of thing. And yet, once or twice in a year, we create for ourselves a situation to which dress clothes are arbitrarily fitting. Why doesn't Pan Hell, or whatever they call it, take steps to eliminate the fraternity formal? It's all so stupid. On Seminars and Things Why is a reserve shelf? An Announcement On March 27th, or thereabouts, Theta Sigma Phi. woman's honorary journalistic fraternity, intends to or- ganize, edit, and sell an issue of the Siren. It's been done before, and awfully well, and one looks forward to that issue with much interest. Women — as you'll find out be- fore you're much older — have a sense of humor. On Ourselves Have you an opinion about this Siren thing? Now and then word comes that Smith thinks the Siren too highbrow, or that Schmidt deems it too slap- stick, or that Jonps scornes Siren as immoral, or that Miss Jones discerns a certain lack of "snap. " Word conies. I say, but never directly. If you happen to have an opinion of your own. it might help matters to express it frankly in writing. Send it to the "office" or to l''u/,zy's "Others Opinions" or slip it under the editor's pillow while he sleeps. Naturally, your opinion would b€ highly interesting and vital to the Old Girl (I am beginning to dislike that term "old girl') and might result in a long desired reform. ******** In Praise of a Contemporary "In aimless wandering the other day one found him- self in the excessively orderly Illio office, in converse with Mr. Henry, editor. One was shown a deal of proof of pictures planned for the big annual, and one admits that lie was impressed. Truly and really, exceeding good taste is being used in the Ulio this year, and one predicts that it will be notably more than a Who's ^^'^lo for Blind Daters. ***»»*»• We View With Alarm The Sophomore Cotillion has been duly viewed with alarm. Father lUini has mourned properly over the little slipups of the committee. The usual inve:tigation has had the usual impressive and salutary outcome. It remains that the Siren place a period on the lugubrious sentence, sprinkle new sand on the gory arena, cotton up the corpse's mouth, and call it a day. Thus: Ya a-a-a-ah! They didn't even give the editor a pass. Tiens. tiens! We forgot to spur the Illini thi ■ trip! On a Recent Change Morgan L. Fitch, formerly business manager of the Siren, graduated last month, packed his grip, and left. He laboreth now in the vineyard Chicago, and .... the editor is now saving his pennies for a journey thence, about the twenty-fifth instant, there to observe the cere- mony which will place Morgan in the ever increasing category of Sidekicks Who Married. We rejoice with him and wi:h him well and assert that he is one of the most top notch gentlemen and zippy managers that ever graced a Siren staff. And under this amiable and accurate senti- ment lies a deep pool of regret, for Morgan has been a good friend and has done much for the Siren, and — q.e.d. — he is going the way of seventy-three percent of the editor's friends. ********* Now — Le Roi est mort! Vive le Roi! With the same fin. Siren welcomes her new manager, A. J. Nuckolls, familiarly known by the aristocratic title of "Duke". Duke is a keen young bu"iness man with curly hair. He likes conversation, coca-cola, Sunday evening tea, — and he sells a wicked ad. So, Dame Siren, swim on. 'Vour water-wings will he kept inflated till June do us part. [9J JIREN A Homely Discourse on the Woodshed By Vernon Knait Do I remember the old wood-^lied' All, will I ever forget it? I have hut to dose my eyes aiul see my dad crooking the second tingcr of his right hand and bending it back and forth, for me to follow him. Yes, and I can see him slowly turning the wooden button of the battered door to the shed. Then my eyes follow him as he enteis the structure and as he pauses his arms akimljo, to choose his weapon from the pile of tough hickory in the corner. Even now, my head hangs down in shame, just as it did when I dragged one foot slowly after the other into my palace of inquisition in the wake of dad. And I can hear the sparrows, perched on the rafters, laugh- ing among themselves about the drama they are about to witness. How I hated those grinning birds at these moments. Too, I remember the spiders, stretched languidly on their silken network. And wished heartily I were a spider and free from these unpleasant moments. And then — but why dally on my introduction to the hickory? It as such a per- sonal affair. A word on the results though hardly less painful will be more pleasing in many ways. I must hurry for the curtain of obscurity is blotting OTit the last act in which I am eating my dinner from off the mantle. II. Do I remember the old wood-shed? Ah, Will I ever forget it? Jack Burrows — he was my nine year old playmate — and I loved it with undying affection. Each morning we ran down the little stone path that led to our world of make-believe. It wasn't a shed to us; it was hatever we cared to make it. At times the musty, cob-webbed interior was a battlefield on which we waged our battles. Jack was an Indian and built forts of good old hickory logs, I, an American, stormed the ramparts with corn cobs and captured the bad red man. Sometimes a stray cob woidd Iiit one of us in the eye and we woidd cry — cry only as a boy can cry — big wet tears that soon dried on a happy, dirty face. On other days we were circus performers. Eroni the dizzy heights of a hickory bar, four feet from the flour, we plunged without fear into a pile of tundijing corn cobs. How important we were. The wiirld was ours — our wood-shed. -S- We feel sorry for the poor gink that ate so many raisins, "little nuggets of food iron." — (Adv.,) that he got rusty inside. I have heard that water if drunk in to large a quantity would do the same thing though. S Bill Gillette (no relation to the safety razor) secretary to Vic Kranert, when asked what he thought of the Turkish atrocities said he didn't know, he liad never smoked any of them. S ^ ''A prohibitionist," says the office cockroach, "is a guy that thinks what I drink is going to hurt his stomach." S — Trinkled By Larry '•Delicious juice I Ze fount of pleasure I I love the richness zat is thine. And from ze grape of Flanders vineyards Each crystal drop comes, sparkling, fine — My friends, I am indeed a lover, A connoisseur of old French wine." Old Herrmann Fricnstein tliouf/lit il (/rdcionx To laud a nation's drink so Mglt. The Frenchman's toast toas all qidlc siiniilc. And Hermann thought that he mUjht try To laud, the Vaterland's fair l)cverafjc. Thus with the Frenchman he did vie: "Ach ! Good old Lager, mild und mellow ; Id fills me full mit much good cheer. Besides the hop fieldts flows de lihine by, Gifing each dnqt a sveetness dear — Mine friends, Icli bin indeed a Infer, Ein common sew'r of Cherman beer." Traditions Add softest jobs : — "Stoker for a fireless cooker" Traffic cop in Tolona. . The Three O'clock [10] HREN The Musings of Morpheus Mudd The Shortest Drama Scene: On way to fodtljall game. First Student: Have yon got yonr con|K>n liook with yon? Second Student : A. A. S ir you'd lain lie truly wise. Ite ([uiel : and jiliiloso- phise. (Hi emulate, my friends, my ))ose, as "ueilli my daisy- plant I doze. Now here's a thing I've tiniuglit about: wliy is it, when a girl's iu dould AI)out her next blind date or so, she looks \\\> last year's Illio? And why, whenever people find some object that's been left behind. Such as a broken down wliite m\ile. a hearse, a tub, a milking stool, A Christmas tree, a worn out still — oh where, T ask. where lies the thrill In leaving these, in mii'th ami glee, uiiou llic jiorch of Alpha Xi? I On Monday morn I like to cat a lofty, solid stack of wheat; It braces one where bracing's needed: and over- work, thereby, 'simjjeded. I will not graduate in -Inne: I co\ddii'l leave (his spot so soon ; 1 started here in nineteen three: (lie scliool seems (piite attached to me. « $ -5' i:- -5 * {> -s ^■ Some years ago the peg-topped pant enswathed both wise and ignorant ; ^ , , ,, ,, . ^, , . 1 1- +. Ami now, it seems, thev're back to stav — save that Isadore ami hsmeralda, m the Inst delicate ■ .,,,,. ,, , • . .• 1 .1 . ^-'.\ I' "^-"' A very frivolous flapper said she had such a good lime over Thanksgiving that she was going to ■■^tav over Christmas. [llj J]S£N The House That Jack Built Hy a. ].. s. f;^^ ^^^^ This is the house that Jack built I This is the ring that Tom bought for the girl that has promised to live in the House that Tom built. This is the house that Didv built This is the ring that Jaclv bought for the girl that has promised to live in the House that Jack l)uilt. This is the ring that Dick bought S for the girl that has promised 1o This is the girl that has the ring live in the House that Dick built. ^^'1^» '''''** pronnsed to live ni the House that Tom built This is the hou.se that Tom built This is the girl that has the ring who has promised to live in the House that Jack built This is the man wlio supplied the materials to build the houses that Jack, Dick and Tom built. This is the man who sold the rings to give to the girl that promised to live in the Houses that Jack, Dick and Tom built This is the lather ol' I he girl who has the rings and has promised to live in the Houses that Jack, Dick and Tom built [12] This is the husband of the girl who has the rings and has prom- ised to live in the Houses that Jack, Dick and Tom built. jniEN The Naming of the Hen Adaiii, ill tlie early part of his staj' in Edi-n, had tlio tasic of iiaiiiiiij; flic animals. In strollinf> 11iroii<;li tlic delectable f^ardeiis one day, he saw an egs- He looked at it fixidly, and saw that it was a hen's cjjj;. Seeing the creature that had laid the egg close hy, he obviously named that creature the Hen. Glass Houses I had to have a book about the Czar; I sought it in the English Seminar: Within the conlines of that musty place A pair of tortoise goggles graced each face. Below each thoughtful forehead two glass panes Bore witness to the wearer's tj-pe of brains : I chuckled : then remembered — I, poor trout, Wore turtle shells myself. I tiptoed out. I sat within the College Cokerie, Talking with friends of student gaucherie. "But see" I said, "these fellows, rough and crass, How boorish they all are, indeed ! What brass Rings in their voices ! Well-a-day ! Young people had some manners in my day!" I saw some friend. Head covered, with a shout. I called "Hey, there!" .... and tiptoed gently out. In fact, whenever I do air my views, I tumble into some poor sinners shoes; Thereat my friends and foes do jibe and flout. All I can do is blush, and lipioc ftul. [13] JOKEN A Villanelle of Yesterday Evening By Chas E. Noyes Your ruby mouth is far too sweet — I will not kiss your mouth tonight. For I am young, I am effete. With faded flowers we should greet The gibbous moon's pale, gastly light. Your ruby mouth is far too sweet. Deep, pas-ionate roses may not meet My cold desire, my calm delight, For I am young, 1 am effete. I would roam with winged feet Where Dian sees the mystic rite; Your ruby mouth is far too sweet. In vain, in vain the passions beat Against the moonlight, cold and white. Your ruby mouth is far too sweet. For I am young, I am effete. s The Changeling Nouplussed Mother: That's no child of mine! S Inquisitive Old Lady: "Now tell me about your first success". Wearied Young Author : "Well, you see, madam, I was crossing the ocean last summer and was a contributor to the Atlantic''. S Ballfleur (gallantly) —"Have you this dance'?" Wallflower ( demurely ) —"Not yet". S Old Beau : "Yes, dearest, I have a million dollars but I'm sixty- eight; do you think I'm too old for you'?" Deb.: "Not at nil; about ten years too young". from tfte BoTieyard Down restless eddies swirled A mess of torn paper And typewriter ribband And this wraith,, who saith: When I worked on the lllini My name was Agamemnon Fish, but now They call me much, oh much, More than Fish. You see I wrote their criticisms. (Somebody had to v/rite 'em) When the auditorium Resounded to sweet melody I had to be there Taking notes. But alas. The Star Course arranged A balailaika recital, and I Took notes as usual. The notes were printed. Then: nine Russians, four Hawaiieans, two Creations, And five Music Schoolers Wrote at length to Other's Opinions. So The Boneyard got me. (What is a balailaika, anyhow? [141 Those Changin' Blues Gosh, I'm lonely, gee I'm blue Haven't got a thing to do Wish to Heaven I were dead No more books to tire my head. What'd you say, the telephone? Tell the boob I'm not at home. Wait a minute, guess I'll go This you Jack'? Hello, hello! Yes, I hear you. What'd you say? oh, of course, whj' sure you may. Uhni, I'd love to — half past eight- Hot dog, girls, I've got a date! The Dumb Bell. S Itch — "Why does a date with a co-ed resemble a Ford?" Scratch — "Because it's fierce when she won't go and sometimes fierce when she does". S We Quit With Us (^^^OJUi^ 1. Shall we dine at the Drake? 2. Oh, that would be just ducky! ^S "Someone's stolen a march on us," wailed the salesgirl to the nianager of the music dept. S "They tell me that the player at the bat married for money". "Yes; and its the best liomo he ever stole, believe me". JIREN The Return of the Native A Jazz Epic in Five Parts She is Seen at Bradleys Tlicia: she chats — Hia.lk'y Hall- Weekly ball— IO\ei' seen Such a queen? All the beaux ^^'ait ill rows. (She stokes her I-book with A shovel. t Idolizeil, prized, Syiiiiiathized AVith. Danced with To a blister- Ooooii I Mister! Ah nie. what a game. Life is. Oh!, her name? Kffie Lou. i^hut up. you're jealous She Takes a Train Where you (join,' Effie Louf I've a slough of things to do — Buy a hair-uet, one or two — Buy a hair-net, one of two— For I"m going home to stay For the Christmas holiday. Do i/ou love me, Effie Lou? Silly boy! Of course I do! Here's the pin I wear for you. Sticking to my heart like glue. Silly boy! Of course I do. / tmll miss you, Effie Lou. Oh! and I will miss you too! But two weeks are over soon; Then again we'll watch the moon Kise on Crystal Lake lagoon. (Handsome is as handsome does) When'd you say that formal was? A'/x.\ me 'hye then, Eff'ie Lou. A\'hat a .shocking thing to do! (Then the Big Four whistle blew.) She Resumes Gingham J>owii in Oingliaiii, Illinois, Flanked by several local boys, 1 Paw awaits the midnight train. (Effie's coming home again.) Christmas morning, bright and early, Maw remarked, ''Whj-, bless the girlie, Let her sleep, Paw, if she wishes ; I'll red up the breakfast dishes." Christmas night the neighbors caU. Effie entertains them all. ••Play •Ben Bolt' again,'' they saj'. The cottage organ whines away. On the horse-hair sofy sat Arthur John, who nursed his hat. Over by the album stood Grampa Joliann Jacol) (Jude. But to Lou, conflicting forces Were as tame as wooden horses. Sweetly sim])le when with Maw, Simply sweet when she's witli Paw, Divinely kind with Artlnir Jolin - So llie liolidays wear on. nr.i She Takes a Train I'lltr: Here's your money; Make it last! .Uuir: wear "em, oney, Summer's past. (Innn/ui : U'hen I was young That's all we wore. Ain'd that dum" train Due at four? Arthur John : 10 llie Lou, I'll miss you. You'll be true' Effie Lou: (absently) Silly boy. Of course I do. See — your pin — I mean your ring. I'll be true as Anj'thing. All: Elfie, Effie, Effie Lou— Then the Bifj Four Whistle blew. She is Seen at Bradleys There she chats. Bi-adley Hall. January. Weekly ball. Dressed up boys. Sailor pants. Flock around bef(u-e each dance. There she dances. Effie IjOU, Do you love me, Effie Lou? silly boy, of course I do.' The Front Row in Arcady "Class, hereafter vim will take seats l)y alplialictical arrangement. You have liecii arianjied al|ilr.iheautifiilly c|iiit(' long enough I'' ^ ^ ^ Hysteria Romantistica She east herself upon the lounge and wept. Bitter tears eiept preoipitatingly from her juicy eyes. As they made their way down her rosy cheeks and into her mouth she decided that they were even more hitter than usual. A little too salty per- haps; she"d have to see her occulist about it. With her dainty handkerchief she dabbed futily at the torrent. John had wondered where all the tahleclothes weut. ISTow he knew. John paced up and down the room. To the casual observer, he appeared to be walking, but she knew that he was pacing. He did it often. He reached the wall and found he could pace no further. Consequeutly he turned, showing the rare horse sense that John embodied. I am sure it was horse sense because John was like a horse. You could drive him to water but yon couldn't make liim drink it. He blew his rubicund nose profoundly. "Darling," he grasped, his voice choked with commotion, "let me sliow my love for j'ou. Put me to the test I implore you. Y'ou can trust me. You know that you can trust me, what is it that is tearing at your heart?" In the meantime she was tearing her hair. John slipped and tore his trousers. They were on quite a tear. He came closer. "Cease, I beg of you," he implored, dropping to his knees, "let me do something to stop your weep- ing." "John," she gushed, dropping another mouth- ful of tears, "if I only thought that you could." "You can trust me," said the escaped convict again. "Th-th-then John, see if you can fill this pre- scription." —A. L. STRAUS [16] JIREN Hiawatha's Lesson By Sam"!.. I'lon.Kss l)a\vii it was and from tlie conifiekls By the swiftly flowing Boneyard, Trudged the mighty Hiawatha leaden with the hooks of learning. From the region of the gas-house, \\'liere the sky is ever murky, Slione resplendant in the heavens .Mighty Sol, the flaming beacon: (Beacon says the hard, not haconj, Sending down his warming radiance On the pumpkins and the squashes Aye upon the limbs of pippins A^'llo, to eight o'clocks were wending (iummy eyed, with hair unparted; And the mighty Hiawatha Slowly from the corn fields trudging. Saw the damsels all be-laden And his heart in anguish smote him. For they too, though weak and weary From the heavy toil of dancing. From the moil of heavy studies With the Phi Gams and the Betas, Were encumbered with the volumes Wherein Freud and Smith disported For the benefit of children ; And aloud cried Hiawatha, Wailing at the age of cavedom When the pale faced squaws would stagger Under burdens which the men folk Should be fetching at their pleasure; And bemoaning so he entered Into all his sundry classes. ^\■hen the eve'n shades were falling Came the learned Hiawatha Out from musty paths of learning And again to realms of living; Twinkled now llic arc liglifs radiance I think she's a wonderful girl. She's all for me. She's awfully nice but . . . How's chances on a smoke. I'm fresh out. I'll pay you on the fifteenth. It isn't the money it's the [irinci- ple of the thing. S "AVere you ever pinched for go- ing too fast'?" "No, but I've been slapped." I I 47 Main Street CJarlield ll^KI We Have Everything that a Good Drug Store Should Have Main 134 University Pharmacy FRED J. PRISON 705 S. Goodwin AiHi^— mi ■ u«{»' «X|Lni.^(iii [211 JIREN +,, — III III! MM |||«}t 11(11 III : Ill nil nil I I I I I I I I I Remember Hei' on Valentine's Day with Schuler Bros. Homemade Candies MAIN STREET CHAMPAIGN A full line of Whitman's, Poss' and Morse's Special box candies The Hi))HC of the Faitious Bo.stoii 1 I 1 I Joe and Tracy I I ! I ! I I I ! I 1 I I 1 ! I I I BARBERS MRIGHT STREET NEAR THE POSTOFFICE i 1 I I 1 I ♦ .g. ,. ^^ l__„l — Nll-^llll^— 111^— Mll^— IIU^— II Kodaks Now at Pre-War Prices Buy a Kodak and keep a Picture reminder of Yunr (iooil Times. Film brought to us "before 8:30 is ready at 4:00 p.m. Strauch's Tlie Home of Good Kodak Finishing 625 So. Wright It Costs No More to Buy a Kelly KELLY-SPRINGFIELD products at present prices represent the biggest values ever offered to the tire-buying public. The qual- ity is better than ever; only unusual manu- facturing conditions have made the low- ered price ' possible. CHURCHILL, BENGSTON & MILLER ITRBANA. ILL. 1 I I ■4 4, [22] VAUGHN SHOP /or MEN It's worth a trip down -town to see these distinctive HATS SHIRTS TIES in fact EVERYTHING FOR MEN I I lUREN Purity Bread Ask Your (Jrocer We make it RIGHT and deliver it ON TIME Phone us that party order and we'll all be pleased. Berryman Bakery 213 South Neil — — .*. Young Liuly ( who luul just bei-ii oiK'i-aleil on for ;ii>i)fii(licitis i : — "Oil, doctor Do you think tlu' scar will show?" Doctor: — "It ought iu)t to". —The Li/n. S •■And now", saiil the long-wind cd speaker as he was concluding a lengthy tedious speech, "as Lady (xodiva renuirked when slie wa.s returning I'roin her ride, 'I am drawing lu'iir my clothes"." — TUjcr S— Pest — "You're charining. do you know it?" She — "I"m sorry 1 can't say the same of you". P.— "Oh, that's all right: One of us may as well be truthful"'. — Punch Howl. S Kitty — ''Days on which I have a date I eat scarcely a thing". Katty — "How well you're look- ing I"" — Ohio Sini Dial. +•■ I I I I I ■+ i Original Clever and Beautiful Valentines Call ill and e.xaiMiiu' ihc complete as.sortment we have on display I I I Strauch's The Art and Gift Shop - + I I Commercial Typing Stenography Mailing Lists Multigraphing Printing Engraving Programs . ii A yy Do you want an "A Start the New Semester Right! Have Your Themes, Theses, Term Papers and Notes Typed NO TKOIHLI-: NO MISTAKES xo i:kasikes I.oW COST siioirr xoTici': wokk ("ouui:(Tm:ss neatness 15V IIOli; OK Tllol SAM) The COMMERCIAL SERVICE CO. Xo. 17 Taylor Street W. V. FAfLKNER. Mgr. BEHIND GEHRIG'S [23] SIREN The Difference Between good Pi-iuting and bad Printing is a matter of only a few dol- lars in its manufacture; but in its comparative re- sults thei'e is an inestim- able difference in value. stationery. Dance Pro- grams, Tickets and all kinds of Commercial Printing. I Desks. Chairs and Fil- ing Cabinets, Office out- fits. Pease Print Shop 22 Main St. Garfield 2246 CHAMPAIGN I I •4 Hifihbrow : "I j^ l.athe." Lowbrow: "Alrigbt, then I'll ji<> liftli. — lufifjlcr. — S ■ — A man named Du Bose met a girl Vt'\m lisped thro' her teeth of pure pearl. "I'll hug you or kiss you", he swore with an oath. She cried with surprise, "Oli. Mr. l>ii Roth".— T/.^rr. S Sentimental Damsel (on tour of the campus, stopped before a gigantic tree) : ''Oh wonderful elm, if you could speak, what would you say to nie?" Senior Forester (accompanying her) : ''It would probably say •Pardon me, but I am an oak' ". —Froth (Penn. State). "One way she's like an umpire, — My wife is," said Bill prout; "She never will believe that I am safe when I am out". fori Ii to t * The Coffee that made "Sam" famous Whistle Inn TRY OUR AFTER LIBRARY LUNCHES Tiy our Stigar Waffles and Doughnuts Across from the Cheni Building U. of L SUPPLY STORE-Qn the Square Books Books for All Courses Books for All Tastes Magazines rwe try to fit pen to fist in such a manner that it cooper-"! |_ates with the writer instead of ruining his style and temper J Stationery Supplies — all these at U. of I. Supply Store ON THE SQUARE [24] JIREN I Orteii Tta I Our seating capacity of 200 allows many of you to be our guests GREEN TEA POT Conducted for Men and Women of Discriminatinj* Taste LUNCH AFTERNOON DINNER Private Rooms for Banquets and Parties We Cater to Those Who Care I ■+ Policeman (to disturbing ban- joist) : "Young man, vou must accompany me — " He : "Awiight, off islier, wiiat'll ya shing?" — Juggler. — S Ann : "Have you stopped smok- ing?" Van : ''Yes, I had to. A fellow can't get a good cigar on the cam- pus any more. It is too muddy. — Cluiparral. S — Jakey : "1 took Rachel by de te-ater last night and we almost Iiad a taxicle ride home". Ikej*: "Ay? Vat happened?" Jakey: "Veil, I matched de drifer first for veder ve should pay him double fare or nodding. He von, so we had to valk" —Lord Jeff. Stenographer: "Howdja spell •sence?" Employer: "Dollars and cents, or horse sense?" Stenographer: "Well, like in 'I ain't seen him sence.' " — Wag Jag. S Co-educated One: Said she in- gratiatingly, as she removed her heavily-horned eye-glasses and slowly wound the black ribbon al)()nt her linger the better to give the waitress the benefit of an ap- pealing look which she sent across the top of the half-emptied Coca- Cola glass with its bent and twist ed straw, "My sucker's broke". Understanding Waitress: "I'm sorry. Ma'am, but our terms are cash"'. — Chaparral. S • He is a poor financer who banks on women. She: "Stop this moment or I'll get out and walk''. He: "But, Mary—" She: "Aren't you ashamed of yourself and after I've known you .so long too". He: "But—" She: "You needn't explain, you're not a gentleman". He: "But, Mary this darned horse won't go unless I whip him." — lianfcr. last She: "I can't marry you I He: "Why not?" She: "I was married week". He: (Breathing a sigh of re- lief). "Is that the only reason? I was afraid you didn't love me I" — Pelican. -* I S I 8 Main Street, Champaign Phones: Garfield 1121; Main 1 WHOLESALE I Smith & Picard Meats Brought from the Farm to You Direct HOME KILLED MEATS. POULTRY. PORK AND LARD "Champaign's Cleanest Market" r25i RETAIL MEm -I lioDie i-t not a iKiutic cijmiitvtc I'lilil it has il.s slinre of heat. — from the iirorerlis uf Mr. Quick IF your radiator is not com- ing througli with its full (juota of heat call us in on the job and we'll make it warm for vim. L. W. Apperson URBANA Main 906 120 S. Race St. — 'Ill >ii^— 111,^— 111— iiii^— in;.^im — Mi(_p,ii^_iiii^_uii^— .i«J» Take Distance ! "I wouldn't trust any man as far as the end of my nose." "That's too far to trust any man." "Too near, you mean!" — London Mail. S ( >ld— '-AA'liat's that c 1 i n U i n g noise I liear in that basket T' Soak— "A bottle of ink and lialf dnzeii glass eyes, honest to (lod!" — Frivol. S "Mother I I learned that our Snndaysciiool teaclier iloesn'l take baths." "Johnny! ^A'hat do you mean"^" 'She said tliat she never did aiiylhing in pi-ivate that she wouhln't do in i)ublic." — Garfjoijir S I want my |>ictnre taken. Full face'.' Xo, lialf back. I = — a^ Corona The Personal Writing Machine THAT'S how easy it is to pay for Corona, the little 6' 2-pound typewriter you can fold up, take with you, write with anywhere. Phone U3 today for a free demonstration. R. C. WHITE & CO. 612 E. Green »-+ 'Milk- Fed" Poultry There is a difference in our Milk-fed Poultry 1 HOTELS CAr£S P(fi(fS^ CARS FC?ATERfS(T(£S 51 ehester Street ^4M^ Tl^l r-%/*vlM 305 PACKER 6F •\^^/- GAR 1S36 l-I.PAUL TICK MGR. nCAT 5P££(ALT(£S C(-)££SE Qh&mpi>~\6n 111. t^ — un— i [261 JIKEM A Rose, By Another Name (News Item: Stanislaus Zbyszko wins title. His hrother Wladek Zbyszko is also a prominent wrestler.) ir Till called uii to stand in tlie liiiu'ii};lil. ^^■|lere the public siiall hear of my name, ril change mine, and get one tliat sounds riglit, That reporters won't mangle and maim. It's tough to be wrestling champion, • ■ As our friend Stanislaus X. Zi)yszk(>, Then have all the papers nns-spell it, And have the crowds yell lt)r Nal)isc(i. Hut still, there's a danger in changing To others, as Green, Jones, or Roth, For people think Omars a cigarette, And that Sniitli is the cure for a cough. S , Virtue may be its own reward — but the Chicago woman who recently lost a purse containing |5(j,()(t() must have made sound resolutions never to let it haii(ien again — when she paid the honest finder a $1."> reward. ■ S Personally we feel — the odds are slightly against the discovery of another as honest a maji. The Best Satire of the SIREN USED TO BE TOO IMPO- TENT TO DESCRIBE STU- DENT CAPES. NOT SAT- gg^j- IRE, BUT APPLAUSE, IS I-IPVP ^^'^ ^^^ HEAR NOW. once a week — especially Sunday noon. TWIN CITY 9 Cafe Number Lj No. 1, 309 N. Neil [27] You've done it your- self—sometimes. Over the pond v^ith your iron, and to the green! A lucky strike for you. LUCKY / STRIKE/ When we discovered the toast- ing process six years ago, it -was a Lucky Strike for us. Why? Because now millions of smokers prefer the special flavor of the Lucky Strike Cigarette— because* it's toasted. * — which seals in the delicious Burlev flavor And also because it's guaran- i teed by SmEN "■"+ READ! With the Aid of Right Lighting ! Arithmetic, grammar and spelling — tough propositions for children. Yet, like the help of an older mind, right lighting can do its part to make them easier. Won't you let us help solve your lighting problem? CHANDLER ELECTRIC SHOP 107 W. Main St. +.- Univer.sity_; ^ -+ T. M. Bacon & Sons Solomon Gruiidj' — Arrived on Monday — Ecgistert'd on Tuesday — Examined on A^'ediie.sday — Flunked on Thursday — r>i'unk on Friday — Fired on Saturday — 0:15 left on Sunday as usual- And that was all Of Solomon Grundv.--H.H. WHOLESALE RETAIL Paints Glass Wall Paper Champaign -+ When You Graduate PROM this GREAT old University, YOU take home A lot of memories OP college Ufe THAT you never lose THEY are mostly about PEOPLE and PLACES. At Homecoming, it's a pleasure To renew these associations. MOST students will REMEMBER one place THAT is so fine— IT'S unforge table :— WHERE a lot of GOOD things are kept: Sandwiches, salads, Chili, Candy All Confections, including ESKIMO PIE. That's Prehn & Henningsen. I •I- ^ „_. . .— . .. ._„ ._. ._„_._„4. Music Every Sunday Evening — Watch for Specials Posted in the Booths [28] I I jnscN + ^ Your Account Will Be Welcome At This Bank No red tape and no charges for opening an account with us First State Bank URBANA + . . "1 lic;ir lluit iliiylx'lk' nearly (Irt)wiK'il tiie otlier day". "Vt's, tlie button i-ainu oil lit-r swinunin^ suit and no one darad to save her". — I'elkan. S l{is(|iu' I'o-cd : "To tliiiiU thai we arc (o be iii-evcnlcd I'l-oni i-oiijijin'; oni- knees!" Consei'vative : "Hut we ean still rouge our faces". Kis(iuo Co-ed: "True, but who looks at our faces?" — I'riican. ^— S — — He: \\'oniaM is loveliest in her thirties. She: Tliank — 1 mean, do you lliink so? — J'urplc Cow. S ^'oice — "Hello, is this the weather bureau?" "Uh huh." A'oice — "How about a shower this afternoon?" "I dunno. If you need one take it." — Mri/iun lirctj. When Rider's Pen Shop moved to 612 East Green St. they took that Quick Repair Service with them, also a good stock of that ink that won't clog the pen "RIDER for PENS" PENS PENCILS i.uosi-;le.\f note hooks .WI) .^CCESSOIilES 'I'he latest in folding portable tyiiewritprs. 612 E. Green St. I DICK MINER Plumbing and Heating Contractor IDEAL HEATING BOILERS I'lione .Main ."ilil :i;i West .Main Street URBANA. ILLINOIS *,_. [29] I I I i .04, Their Quality has wiped out price aistincHon in cigarettes You cant hel p but [ike them! TAey are DIFFERENT -Ti^ey are GOOD JIfiEN Chaos "Comic liillicr doj;." \:i W'-.iu 'rami roared. ••]v\iilaim'(l tliis loud han/.ai. Tliat distui'lK's (lie licaxcidv (iiiici W'itlioiit my aiict'stral iiajjoda." Speak oliild of the stars. Before 1 remove the seal of your cerehellimi." "Oh. most worthy moon," cries the hapless slave, "Forgive this one trespass, oh most royal elephant. It is naught save a lovely geisha maid M'ho snakes the military, there witliout." "Without what!" howls the mandaiiii. "Speak for your widows sake." "WITHOUT THE GARDEN WALLS, my lord," Replies the cringing snake. A '25. S I'l'trarch made some comment on fame his words have .slii)ped the writer's memory, hut their jMirport was that fame is only a momentary thing, inconseipiental. Yet Petrarch sought fame with an eagerness that has seldom been surpassed. How undergraduate the Italian bard was. STYLED FOR. YOVKG 'ME'H FKATURE SOFT HAT - a smart young man's Stetson with a medium flare.and binding- Lined attractively in various shades of satin. STETSON HATS JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY, Philadelphia / As ''Miss Siren'' Might Say- "This duty of selecting clothing is one of the drab trivialities that harass the human soul." But who can escape it? Answer: A great chorus of silence. Men fine! Shopping Easy Here Gehins t/ CLOTHES SHOP 510 EAST GREEN STREET Cafeteria 610 East Green St. Popular Prices I -+ ■•■+ [311 miEN + „ TO A LOCUST upon ;i imiiilc d;iisy lokiist. Facing the sun nnldinkinji. A little iiielaiiclioly foc-u.st Sal thinking, thinking, thinking. He said, "No bard has ever sung Aliont nie in his verse; I've never lieaid my praises rung In other than a curse. They rave and rave aixiut a bird. And bees, and tish, and flowers. But never a word I've ever heard. On me, from rythmic bowers." So when I heard this drear lanienl. (His name wont rhyme \hwv bxaistl I sal me down with cool intent : And idaced jiini on a toknst. A '25. « 4. ILLINI PUBLISHING COMPANY PRINTERS AND PUBLISHERS [32] What Is a Vacuum Furnace? IX an oidinaiy fuinace materials burn or comliine with llie oxy- gen of tlie air. ;Melt zinc, cadmium, or lead in an ordinary furnace and a scum of "dross" appears, an imi)urity formed liy the oxygen. You see it in the lead pots that plumbers use. in a vacuum furnace, on the contrary, the air is pumped out so that the heated object cannot combine with oxygen. Therefore in the vacuum furnace impurities are not formed. Clearly, the chemical jirocesses that take jdace in the two types are different, and the difference is important. Copper, for instance, if impure, loses in electrical conductivity. Vacuum-furnace copper is pure. So the vacuum furnace has opened up a whole new world of chemical investigation. The Research Laboratoiies of the (Jeneral Electric Company have been exploiing this new world solely to find out the possibilities under a new series of conditions. Yet there have followed practical results highly imiiortant to industry. The absence of oxidation, for instance, has enabled chem- ists to combine metals to fonii new alloys heretofore imi)ossible. Indeed, the vacuum furnace has stimulated the study of metallurgi- cal processes and has become indispensable to chemists resi)onsible for production of metals in quantities. And this is the result of scientific research. Discover new facts, add to the sinn total of hunum knowledge, and sooner or later, in nuin>' unexpected ways jiractical icsults will follow. General^Electric o..™i o«.. C o m p a ny '•'•°~»2;,^„ '■ '^'i^ '1AR 20 1822 JOS. KUHN & CO. Year round values here in our Fair Price Campaign for 1922. KEEP STEP WITH THE SEASONS ! Bud out in A New Spring Suit! $25 to $50 14 Quality Makes to Choose From University Women ! Hart Schaffner & Marx coats for ladies have the same expert tailoring that goes into the finest Men's clothing. They hold their shape just like a man's coat. 33-35-37 Main Street Champaign ^Si«***>.Si.XJ«.^.*%%\3^3vJkJ^%%VX%VX\X%X%N%X\%WX\ A Pleasant Surprise is experienced by most students at their first meal in the ILLINOIS UNION CAFETERIA You, too, will be pleased with the cleanliness of surroundings and equipment, excellent quality of the food, great variety offered and most important — the low prices. The ILLINOIS UNION Cafeteria I i I ! JIREN ^XXXV%X3«iXX3l^XXXXX\N\NXNX\XXVXNX\\N\X\\> i W I \ (( (( Dink and Bud yy yy In a New Combination UNION DANCES BRADLETS Friday and Saturday ♦ ♦ ♦ TICKETS $L25 On Sale ill the Unidii Hiiililini! ^4XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX>l "I 111 l'l«t» •!»" 111! 1111 Fads Worth Remembering Our ICngineers are e.xiierts. ^Ve em- jdoy only skilled mechanics. The materials ^e use aie the Itest ([ual- ity. Our charges are reasonable. We want your business. Call Us On Your Next Job of Work JOHNSON BROS. Sdiiilniii (iiiil Hvatiiiij Eiiijiiiccru 402 N. Neil St. CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS Both Phones I I I I I I I I I 1 I 1 ! I I I 1 I 1 I 1 I ! I ! I 1 I -.4, l-i Whose Birthday This Month? Send her flowers from a jdace that has the reimtation tor handling only I he best. We send flowers by telegrapii all over the country. \Vm. Jos. Werstler '19, Mgr. Main 90S Garfield 1075 [2J Mwm McEVILLY - her — siie is my wife. — /iickxoiirillr 'riiiK'S'C iiiiiii. Victrola Records Mere you may have a choice of Victrola, Col- iiiubiii or Urunswick records. Ask to Hear the New Releases for March We also have a large selection of string in- struments and saxaphones G. W. Lawrence 112 West Main SUx-et URBANA •{•III — Variety THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU READ THIS .MAG- AZINE. YOU WILL GET VARIETY IN FOOD IF YOU EAT AT Gilliland's Cafeteria 117 South Race Street— Urbana ♦ — 13] JDUEN Cy^ WANT [COMFO/ZT/ Heating is our one 'big boast We imll malce you ivarm as toast. — from tin: proverbs of Mr. Quiil; IS your house comforta- ble? Is there plenty of heat? No. Well, why not ask us to help you out. We find the way and teli you the cost at once. L. W. Apperson URBANA Main 906 120 S. Race St. I *.■ +- I I I 1 Bad Practice Mis. Keddy — "AVliy don't yoii Jet your Willie jday l)aseball with the other boy.s?" Mrs. Greene — "A part of the i;:iiiie is stealiiij; liases, and I'm afraid it might have a had iii- riiicuce". — "Tojiics rif llir Da if FUnifi. S •Micky: ii(jiir (irtivlis hi jrirrlri/ (1)1(1 art (j -+ i I I I I •4 A Man's Idea of a Woman Any III tractive member of the other sex between The ages of U! and 27. Something very swec^t — very lovely — very danjierous, tlu' less brains the more (lanjiei-ons. A Ininli-ess of men with rolled socks and cerise lips. Slie had no moral sense. tSinnous. Djer-kiss. She is a tenuons octopus trying to en- snare the helpless male. She is a.s mysterious as the Sphin.v. Her mind is shallow, yet she has a sti-ange .subtle power over the sterner sex. She is a little devil, and the cause of all the crime and misery in the world — look at Samson, the Trojan W'av. and Proliibiti ear Xolhing is found more unstable than man. — liridi/cs : ••'I'lif Rilinii nf r/i/.v.vc.v.' S Ih. All men become goolace. or he is cr<»ss-eyed, or he can't think of anything to say after he calls one up on the tele- phone, or he believes that woman's place is in the home, or he has no romantic "past.'" either experienced or to be experienced, or bis dime emporium sachet stifles one, or he wears a sombrero, or he is a cynic and despises women because they are only dolls, or else he loves one for one's brains alone, or he stutters, or he isn't an athlete, nor an editor, nor even on the Senior Breakfast Committee, or it makes him sick to smoke, or — well, you know how it is youi'self. It certainly is liaid on a girl who considers it her highest duty lo marry. It certaiidv is aiiiiovinn "aiiiiiiiniiiDiiiiiniiiiiaiiiiiiuiiiitiiiiiuiuiiiaiiiiiuiiiiiDiiiiiuiiniaiiiMiiiiiiiaiiiniiiiiiiBiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiinuiiiiiiiiMiiaiuiiiin^ [7] J. A. Nlx'KOlls. Business Manager; R. R. Fowi.er, Assistant Business Manager; R. J. Wkiier, Advertising Manager; R. H. Fkkguson, Circulation Manager. Assistants: B. Cowan, B. Hurd, H. Fechtnian, F. Moclion, J. Keth, S. Fortier, Mary Werts, Helen Booth. W. C. Rankle. W. Meents, G. A. Redemski. This Issue of The Siren Was Edited by Members of Pi Chapter of Theta Sigma Phi, Women 's Honorary Journalistic Fraternity Published monthly by the lUini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the postoffice at Urba'na, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 106 University Hall, Urbana, Illinois. On Man, in Gentle Fashion The Siren lady shakes a fin this month at Man. Ir- ritated by the vitriolic asperrions continually cast at her by a staff made up largely of highly critical and sarcastic young manhood, she welcomes a staff of her own sex and the opportunity to make a few retorts courteous or re- plies churlish, as the case may be, to much that has gone before. She contends that woman has no monopoly on the irrationalities and imbecilities of a nuper-sophlsticated age. and she intends to view Man with her nonsensical, satir- ical, and critical eye and then expose his vanities and asininities in a gentle, lady-like way. She accepts him for what he is; she has no purpose to reform him. • S On Obsolescence Sending fraternity freshman out to sorority houses for dinner is a remnant of the public initiation ceremony which has been largely abolished. Like the other forms of publicity, it is doomed becase it is an old story. To see one freshman go through his paces once might be moder- ately funny. With repetition, the high school yell or the art of eating peas with a knife is less side-splitting. By the time the initiation season is over the sisters have taken to smothered yawns and they cast about for ex- cuses to leave the table early. Food is wasted on men that are in no shape to appreciate it, the women are bored, and the victim is agonized. It would be a kindne.ss to everyone to keep the freshman at home. S On the Campus Playhouse Sock and Buskin, long having gypsied al)out from the Auditorium to' Morrow Hall, to the Illinois theatre and back inevitably to Morrow Hall, are at la t to find a per- manent shelter on the Illinois campus. Sigma Delta Phi, the Player's Club, Mask and Bauble, Pierrot, and the other drama-thirsty populace of the Uni- versity community have at last conceived an_d brought forth the Drama League. "Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears, are all with thee, are all with thee!" S I On the 1922 Opera "Tea Time in Tibet" is in the process of synthesis and will be ready to serve to the university pulilic April 7 and 8. There will be, of course, the usual display of muscular backs between the beaded straps of formal dresses in the chorus scenes, and the ludicrous exhibition of a man's interpretation of high heels. We will gasp with pleasure when the leading lady first appears, only to be shocked into breathlessness when she speaks in her bass voice. We are hoping for some good solo dancing, good music (even if the words are senseless), and clever lines. And we do beseech you, O Director, see that the chorus girls' dresses hang straighter than they did last year, and at a length at least moderately compatible with prevail- ing styles! [8] SIREN On General Pershing On Serenades General John J. Pershing, sans parly and formality, looked over the University — or more accurately the s-tu- dent brigade — last month. After award of company med- als, a speech which was applauded if not heard, some Illi- nois yells (including one for "Black Jack," the appellation we understand the General abhors), and tea with President David Kinley, he departed leaving the flavor of a pleasant personality mingled with dignity in his wake. S On a Recent Visitor A cat may look at a king (though tlierc aren't many left to look at nowadays) and even the most phlegmatic and inarticulate of undergraduates may l)e allowed to at- tempt an appreciation of one whom Stuart Pratt Sherman designated as "certainly one of the authorities in the field of American literature." The phlegmatic one is used to being told that Prof. Dry-as-Dust is an authority in this field or that, the assumption being based upon the pro- fessor's steadfastness in counting appearances of the word "the" in the works that came from the pen of Mr. Died- LongAgo. So the phlegmatic one took his seat before Dr. Carl Van Doren. assistant professor of English at Colum- bia University and literary editor of the Nation, with not very high hopes for a happy evening in his phlegmatic breast. He didn't miss a single lecture thereafter. He was stirred to the depths of his inarticulate soul for the aot phrases and surprisingly happy turns of expression that colored and lighted up the lectures that were not mere surface smartness but the product of a mind with deep insight, a mind that saw the affairs of the day in a multi- tude of phases and relations to other affairs. If others of Dr. Van Doren's kind come here to lecture, the phlegmatic one will have to unravel all his fine-spun theories about dry-as-dust professors. S On tlie Senior Picnic The ghost of our high school days is walking. The senior cla"s picnic is with us again. The erudite seniors will forget the approaching agony of the Burrill avenue cap-and-gown parade and will frolic, gladsome, on the allu- vial terraces of Crystal Lake park. Foiled in its plans for a hick party earlier in the year, the senior class will still get its chance to rough-house. "The party will be a real get-together," says the annoncement. That is, those who know each other will get dates and go. Most of those who don't won't. Tho e who do picnic will enjoy the spring beauties of the wild-wood, and twelve or fifteen people will get their names in the paper for membership on the august committee that plans the festival. Perhaps the class could have a hike or an Orph<;um party. Then there would be more committees to appoint. Just when one has readied the point of concentration, after the argument between two fre.shmen next door has been quelled. Birdie has stopped playing her ukelele, and Lizzie ha-, at last bade her lover good-night over the wire, when all is still, except for one's room-mate typing a theme and singing "Yoo Hoo," when one's cerebrum seems al- most ready to accommodate a new wrinkle — then — lharty this evening. My apparent distinction brooks no opposition, Fools oidy deny my exalted positifui." 'Fore he enters tlie dwelling come dire odors fore; telling Of Wild Hoot or ilaudeen, dear the lowbrow, foi- they shall inlicril ihc earth. S The co-ed. iudigiiantly. to The shoe reformer: "F am the captain of my fe(>t — J am the master of mv soles." -S- Miss Gertrude Flapper says — "Be- ing a flapper is distinctly the privil- ege of our sex. I protest vigorously against the attempts of man to invade our organization. Their efforts are in- sults to our ability." March The only famous thing That ever happened in March Was the ides And that was unlucky. yes, there is the lion And the lamb that comes in Or goes out, I don't know which. And the wind blows a lot, And it rains some too. 1 hate that kind of a month. S A Feeble Chirp in De- fense of the King of Beasts T-he women of a Univerity H-ave often tried to solve Evasive problem.,, but we Know that I-n the long run None of them can Grasp the significance O-f such a F-ierce denunciat'on as now lies Before you, and E-specially As woman was made from S-everal bones of This king, there Should be an I-ntense interest in S-howing the truth that M-an is not A-s much of an animal as N-ature makes of him. — A Man. S r.iil the greatest strain of all When fallier comes to call. Is the iipi)iiig and the strijipiiii l-eggy iiictnres olV my wall. The Urbana System First Conslable near c;impus — - •Did vei- lift that feller's num- Seciiiiil <"oiistable — "Xo. he was loo gol deined fast fer me. Thai was a perly perl lookin" gal in the back seal, wasn't it ? First Constable ■•She shiire was!" Student — ( During a sprung (piiz I "() Lord, lielj) nu' — <) Lord, hel]! me — never mind now, I've seen my neighbor's paper." S In the North, a whistle blew; From the South, a gentle "AIoo!". Northward ambled gentle Sue; Southward inilfed the "leven-two. Draw we o'er the rest a sheet. It was fated they shonhl uu'et. James, the water's at your right. The milkman diiln't come tonight S Absent minded Prof.— •'! won- der where 1 put my glasses." AVife — "I saw 'em somewhere." A. .M. l'.-""l don't iloiibt it. Th.it's where I put them." Overheard by .Major -lack .\llen at the ball game: (»li. I'anl. isn't our ])itcher grand'.' He hits their bats no matter where they hold I hem. — VtniiJirUli' \iirs. S ■>- Miss Adelaide Flapper says — "I can forgive a man with a marcel; I can remain outwardly calm if he insists on holding my hand, but even I can- not forgive him if his vanity so over- powers him that he wears a waxed mustache. 115] MBm To His Heart a Key By Alora Ward George halted outside the dooi- of his real estate office at a quarter past six to light his cigarette aud adjust his immaculate cuffs before desceudiug iuto the street. Of course it was late for the downtown district, but there were a few worthwhile people one met at. this hour nevertheless. As he rouudeil the corner of tlie hall the swish-swish of the scrub brush met his ear and he looked down just in time to avoid a dampening of the dull glimmer of his black calf skins. Hm! Remarkably pretty hair for a scrub wo- man. As she leaned back on Jici' lieels to apologize, his eyes were attracted by a gold i)in which held her calico dress together at the neck. The shape recalled something to him vaguely — by the holy powers, it was a Phi Bete key! That was it aud he saw again the quivering corpulence of old Die Browu's waist- coat, down at the University. Good old Doc! Lord, that was a long time ago — two years! Aiad then there burst upon George, all at once the four Ws and the H. A scrub woman plus a Phi Bete key would give — too nuniy unknowns for algebra aud utterly too incompatible for common sense, unless — ? Hadn't he heard somewhere of .aspiring novel- ists who did all sorts of things to get stuff' for stor- ies, and of social .service workers who did things like this too? He'd bet anything this one was one or the other and had worn that pin unthinkingly. Gad ! What fun to cultivate her and not let her know he knew. And so began a friendship that puzzled all George's friends who thought themselves only more or less amused by it, and delighted all the dwellers i)U Park Kow, who saw daily a nicely elegant road- ster (George's father Jiad been in tlie liusiness long enough for that) drive nji and stop in front of the Higgin's flat. As the weeks flew by (ieorge's admiration- for Helen Higgins reached the bounds of credulity and spilled over. It was unbelievable. Never once did lie trip her on anything, never once did she give a liint that she was other than what she seemed. Helen tliought as a scridi woman, acted the scrub woman, to all purposes was a scrub woman, by lieaven! "Helen," he said one day, apropo of the failure of his very best efforts to catdi her ui), "You ought to go on the stage, you're a wonderful actress!" "Honest, old boy?" Siie had adopted tlie famil- iar on the api)arent assumption that it bridged their two classes. To George it merely showed her deep insight into the class she was studying. (By this time he was sure she was the afore- mentioned aspiring novelist.) "Where'd you get the idea, or 'dyuu hear me l)Ut it all over the old man tonight wJien he asked wliere we was ste]>piu"? 'Twas pretty neat, don't you think?" Helen was much pleased with the com- pliment, it was evident. "No but really, girl, you're missing your call- ing if you don't. It should lie lots more interesting tlian writing novels and more — er — lucrative!" "Writin" novels ? Loi'd, yes, I'd think it might lie. but why drag that in? Honest, you do have the (pieerest ideas, sometimes! Cbme on, let's drive out the old state road to that ducky inn again." The ducky inn was more hilarious tlian usual that night aud the loud boisterousness aud coarse familiarity around her seemed to go to Helen's head like real champagne. When they at last started honunvard, George's hopes were high. She was in a talkative mood and inclined toward being matern- ally tender to him — two feminine signs that confi- dence were in the air. It might be added that George had long since given ui> the idea of concealing the fact that he was in on her secret. The game was now to get Helen to admit tliat there was a secret. And so he decided that the time was ripe for his coup d'etat. It was to be complete, annihilating all the subterfuges, between them. He'd really grown (piite fond of her. Wliat a joy, too, to liear her at last s])eak good English. Aud his friends with their damned .superiority, — what fun it was going to be! His voice ahuost trembled as he began speak- ing, — funny how nervous he was! They were in front of the tenement now and his arm iiad been around her for the last two nules or so. "Helen, why did don't you wear any Phi Bete key these days? You had it on the first time I ever .saw you, don't you remember — dear?" The last word was purely experimental, or else it was to be the clinch of his coup d'etat. She stirred. Helen had evidently been taking a rather thorough doze enroute. "My what?" yawning broadly. "<)li. I know now, that's what slie called it, too. Funny name for a (Continued on page twenty-seven) flfil HREN Lord Chesterton to His God-Son A Letter Found Among Some Old Papers Owned by D. Hill My Dear Little Boy: The means of pleasing vary accord- ing to time, place, and the ladies; but in the university community in which you find yourself, you will discover will infallibly please to a certain de- that the trite rule "hand 'em a line", gree. Constantly strive to resemble your fraternity brothers in versatility of attentions and ease, both in dress and manner. Never be individual: try to think as little as possible for your- self. The young man of today must appear to be as much like his fellows as possible or he is ridiculous, \\nien- ever you present yourself, or are pre- sented for the first time in mixed company, study to make the first im- pressions you give of yourself as ad- vantageous as possible. Appear, there- fore, to be more stupid than you are. <$> Even that silly article of dress is no trifle upon these occasions. Always be the first in fashion and the last out of it. In the matter of cravats and waistcoats, remember to be conspicu- ous. Wear as fine clothes as those of your rank commonly do, and when you are dressed once a day, seem to know that you have clothes on; forget that they are perhaps not paid for. Upon the occasion of my last visit to the university, I beheld a young man in the English library in that beautiful building known as Lincoln Hall. This young man was well worth observa- tion. Like so many young men of to- day, he was notably short and thin in the chest. His spectacles rode well up- on his nose. His tweed suit, had, I fear, not visited the pressing shop for many weeks. His cravat, of some pe- culiar knitted material unknown in my day, rested upon the bosom of a strip- sliirl of noticeable color. A young man. without knowledge of fashion, is wise in imitating such details. The gentle- man's waistcoat was of checkered ma- terial in a vivid green, and was amiab- ly at war with his shirt, an admirable feature. His hair had been but re- cently curled and was smartly parted in the middle, tliereby making his disli-shaped face appear more round and e.x-pressionless. A Fop values him- self upon his dress, and a man of sense will not neglect it, in his youth, at least. <«> Remember, in company, every wo- man is every man's inferior, and must be addressed without respect, nay, with fiattery. You need not fear making it (00 trong. Such flattery is not mean on your part, for it can never give Ihem a greater opinion of their beauty or their sense than they had before. It is well to flatter them upon their make-up, though they do it ever so ill. Women abhor courtesy, therefore, refrain from every show of it. If you jre returning homeward from an even- ing affair, notably those of a literary nature, never offer your protection. The ladies always hear wedding bells whenever a man pays them this atten- tion. Young men are (thank God), rapidly forgetting such matters. The later the hour the less need of escort- ing the lady the several blocks to her home. (This is of particular import- ance if you are desirous of gaining the seclu.sion of your chamber n. order to have a quiet smoke before retiring.^ Let it be a rule with you never to ask the lady's permission to smoke; she does not expect such attention from a modern young man. Women have come to expect a faculty member to remove "his head covering upon meeting them, but they will feel em- barrassed if you imitate your elders. Remember that the attention of rising if a lady enters the room, or of offer- ing an elderly woman your seat on the street car, is unseemly and presump- tions in one of your youth. Further- more, remember to be tardy. Women and instructors expect this quality in undergraduates, never disappoint them. Have always, as much as possi- ble, that air of knowing everything, which never fails to make favorable impressions, provided it l)e accompan- ied l)y a bored smile or a pert smirk. Above all, never take the affairs of the heart seriously. In this respect a young man is wise in using the but- terfly as a model. Vou will observe. Dear Godson, that love is simply a flitting from one female rose to an- other. Never place your confidence in any one young lady. Gather your kiss- es while and where you may. Think not too highly of your word. Remem- ber it is an art to tell a good lie. But recently I found an interesting piece of verse that I trust you will honor by framing. One of those highly or- nate gilt frames would be fitting. Wherever you place it, remember to hang this little gem in a conspicuous position, preferably over your room- mate's bureau. Trusting you will profit by the high seriousness of the composition, I tender this charming ditty; Wlien a fraternity man is jilted And finds too late that women betray. When his fair love she's wilted What art can chase his gloom away? The onl.v art his sorrow to cover, To hide his shame from every brother, To heal the heart of a fond lover. Is to go and marry another. To Master Stanhope, at the univer- sity boarding school at L'rbana, by Il- linois. <$> P. S. .To make you what amends I can for this tiresome lecture, I am sending you a small case, which is sufficient to give a nice little party to your brethren. Bath, Mar. in, 1795. fl7| SIREN The Beggar's Opera Clever people are always interest- ing — whether they be dukes or hon- est peasanf; or queens or beggars. I am inclined to believe, after hearing The Beggar's Opera down at Cham- paign's theatre beautiful, that of all clever people the last named are the most interesting. For beggars, mind you, back in the days of good king George I, had to be clever in order to retain physical sym- metry. The hangman in those days was mighty skillful with his cleaver and they tell me he was paid by the "head." The beggars in the Opera were as scurvy, bloody a bunch of knaves and wenches, to use their own terms, as ever plotted a holdup or a murder. But withal they were clever. "Wat wife ever lived happy 'oo didn't 'ave the Joy of widowhood to look forward to; Polly, my child, ye'r actin' as if ye had no more sense than a juke's laidy; what's a 'usband for if ye aint goin' to kill 'im so's y kin get 'is money. " What could be more logical, more natural than such advice from a fond mother? And then there was the tavern. Jack Falstaff and his companions never presented us with a more clever scene. How they enjoyed their songs and jokes and their mugs of ale! The laughter flew as more than one beg- gar wiped away clinging drops of ale with the curls of his wig. I never knew, until I saw the play, that there was a practical value to those wigs they wore in the by-gone days. I liked Captain MacHeath especial- ly well, for that worthy rogue could get out of more difficulties of the heart than the average youth of today can get into, even In a co-educational in- stitution. And I also learned that a woman would believe, even 200 year,; ago just as she does today, anything she wanted to believe, even though the most cheerful liar in all England told it to her. The captain faced death and risked it just so cheerfully for the sake of a woman's smile that it was no wonder they all loved him. Those who say that the Beggar's Opera was dull should contrast it with any of the musical shows of today or with the bedroom farces we flock to witness. They have nothing in their lines but what is placed there for the sole purpose of being suggestive. There was philosophy displayed in that group of beggars. They knew their fellow humans. — B. A. J. Chimney smoke Occasionally we read and enjoy so thoroughly that all our war'ly cares sublimate and we emerge from the book covers feeling a new benevolence toward our fellow humans. A little book of poetry that just answers this formula is "Chimneysmoke," by Chris- topher Morley. the genial whimsical, entertaining column conducter of the New York Evening Post. "Chimneysmoke," in contrast to the wierd, anarchistic free verse that over- loads our magazines nowadays, is simple and unaffected, revealing an ap- preciation of every-day life that is sel- dom expressed by poets of this rest- less era. Over the commonplace events of a common life Christopher Morley casts a delicate imagination and turns his musings into the most delightful verse. To this poet life is anything but monotonous, even if it is made up of commuting back and forth on the 5:42, of washing dishes, of furnace firing, and of administering a modest household. He sings charming- ly, dedicating a new fireplace, or mus- ing over the names in a telephone directory, or apostrophizing his ink- stand. He puts home and the hearth- fire into rhyme and rhythm, and we wonder that we never before saw the romance and the color in the things that are so constantly about us. "Chimneysmoke" is a delightful even- ing's entertainment. Tea Time in Tibet (What we think it will probably be — of course it won't. . . . ) Never in the history of Illinois op- era has there been such a hilarious success as was "Tea-Time in Tibet". At one minute the audience felt its heart-strings being plucked by the pathos and tragedy of the production and at the next was sent off into peals of Bachannalian laughter. The story is that of the romance of a Tibetian Lama and Goldie Croesus, the daughter of the American Alarm Clock King. Goldie, who has become acquainted with the Lama through a matrimonial agency, is coming to look him over when she is captured by a new religious order, called the Mag- wallas, composed of wicked, fat Chin- amen of the under-world, who wish to make her their priestess. She assassin- ates three of them, disguises herself as a college freshman, and flees to Ti- bet where she takes refuge in the tombs of the ancient Lamas. Here she is discovered by Shimshin, the present Lama, who places her in his harem. He wishes to sacrifice her to Zither, his god, and they play a game of po- ker to decide whether or not Goldie shall be killed. She loses, but just as Shimshin is about to offer her up, a troop of American cavalry looms into sight over the plateau and saves her life. Of course Shimshin turns out to be the son of an American millionaire and Goldie decides to marry him any- way. This is just the sort of entertain- ment that the Tired College Student needs. It is full of brilliant costum- ng and displays of creamy white arms and shoulders, melodious music and clever lines. Miles Heberer does a pas- sionate rendition of Shimshin, and sings "You Have Flapped My Heart Away" in tones to make one's blood stand on end. His lovely soprano voice reminds on of water rushing down the rain-spout on its way to the sea. Goldie is a captivating heroine, and one cannnot blame Shimshin for fall- ing in love with her when one sees what he was used to in his own harem. Her voice was especially pleasing when she sang, "Homme, Sweet Homme." The flat-footed priestesses )f the Temple of Tibet danced as Marie Helen McLane drilled them to, poor souls, but their costumes helped some. The final cabaret scene in which they appeared was full of color, due to the ( Continued on page twenty) [18] SIREN pi i lll l lMinJl i li " "N i f i 'IMI i n i M | iii/llh i nw il MI I MM |l | B I II I I MmH rrr iM ' nMM ii/ i Mi iriui|iMlliMIIIMII»M|MM | ii un T M Ti . rii^iniTTiiiiii iniiii i niMM i M i MM ii nMi)| iiii n |ii i i / w » | M |ll|^ Not So Catching •■I lif:u- yi)m- fatlier is ill". "Ves. iiuite ill". •■Contagious disease?" "I hope not ; the doctor says it's ovi'i-work". — Carncfjir Puppet. 8 Comes Natural "I woiider why so many of the osteopathic doctors are women?" "Because women have a fond- ness for •rubliing it in'." — Portland a.I/c.q Express. S The Double O "Whafs the score, -lim?" she asked, arriving late at the game. '•Nothing to nothing". ••Oh, goody I" she exclaimed. "We haven't missed a thing'." — HoiioIiiIk Stur-Bullrtiii. S On Second Thought Patient : '•Doctor. I've known y(m so long now that it woulil he an insult for me to pay your hill, so I've arranged a handsome leg- acy for you in my will." Doctor: '•Y(ni don't mean it — I am overwhelmed — liy the way, just let me take a look at that pre- scription again." — Banter. S Richleigh (to caterer): "Have you smoked herring tonight?" Caterer: "No, thus far, only Camels." — Pelican. S Lady, on street-car: "Do yon stop at the Biltnioi-e, conductor?" <'ouductor: "No ma'am, 1 was in the army, not in a munition factory." — Lampoon. Wild West Etiquette ICxcited Tenderfoot: "Did you .see that?" Alkali Ike: "See what?" Tenderfoot: "That swiudhr dealt himself four aces I" Ike: "Waal, wasn't it his deal?" — FlainuKjo. S He: ■•Here we are with a ]iuric- ture, and no .jack." She: "Haven't you got your check book?" — Octopus. S How doth the gentle laundress Search out the weakest joints And always tear the buttons olf At nmst strategic points? — Gohlin S She: "We really ought to have a chaperoue," as they went into the garden. He: "Oh, we won't need one I assure you." S •limmie: "What did she say when you kissed her last night?" His Friend: "She said I shoidd come on Friday hereafter, as ijiat is amateur's nigiit". — Medleij. S Right Is Right ••|to you lielieve doctors have a right lo kill where they can't cure?" "Haven't they always been do- ing it?" — Baltimore Amerietin. S A Regular Cut-Up "Doctca-, I've just received your bill. Could you cut .inything off for cash ?" "Yes, my dear sir, anything — an arm or a leg, or anytliing else yon may wish removed". — -Topics of till Daif Films. S .hdinuy — ilotbcr. do I have to wash my face? Mother — Certainly, dear, .lohnny — Aw, why can't I just ])owder it, like yon do yours? S This Is a Two Dollar One He: •'I'assed by your house last night". She (bored I: Thanks". — Jester S Soph: "Do you still go to sec that little bruitette you went with last winter?" Soph - "She's married now." Sojib 1 : •'Answer me!" — I'lnieh lioirl. Must Be Dr. Cupid "I don't like your heart action", said the doctor ajiplying his steth- osc()])e. "Yoti've had some trouble with nugina ]iectoris. haven't you?" ••You're partly right, doc", an- swered the young man sliee]iishly. ••Oidy that ain't her name". —I'atli finder (Wash. D.C. ) S— 'Ward Pass, Too Slie: What's the team le.iviug tlu' liehl for? It : It's the end of tlic half. Slie: Vi't-U. I'm not surpri.seil. It's a wouilcr they haxcn't killed someone bef(.)re this. — I'nrple Parrot. [191 HREN (Contiimed from page eighteen) fact that they wore the best party frocks of some of our cutest campus co-eds. Most of their voices were base. The song-hits of the evening, beside those already mentioned, left bruises which only time will heal. Before the audience had a chance to escape, ush- ers poured through it selling copies of them. We all went home, tired, but happy. Special mention is due the. Marin- ello Shop for the marcelle waves used in the ship-wreck scene, to The Siren for the use of Ted Bourland as the lieathen god, and to the Chinese Stu- dents Club for their efficient acting as the villains of the under-world in the Magwalla scene. The Queen of Sheba "Standing room only" — pretty wo- men in thi-? picture — Betty Blythe sleeping on wave washed rocks — I'll bet the stones hurt her bare feet — Betty Blythe in queenly robes — beads — more beads — royal chariot races to the tune of jazz music — Sheba is los- ing her robe — ah! we knew the queen would win. I'd be wary of that jealous a woman if I were the queen — King Solomon without a beard — King Solomon talk- ing English — King Solomon looks like a Shakespearean actor — It's Fritz Lie- ber — King Solomon wears many robes — "consider the lilies" — crowds gather more quickly around the ancient pal- ace when the king yawns than on Michigan avenue when a truck smashes a flivver — the thousand wives are convenient for those crowds — Solomon would have pity on the natives, they'll get too thin doing those worshipful calisthenics — Sol- omon's brother is going to start trouble pretty soon — the battle be- gins — wish those boys down on the front row would keep still, they waked up- the little prince — it's awfully stuffy in this theatre .... Sheba's troops marching across the desert — from Egypt to Israel In 15 minutes! — and they crossed the same sand dune five times — 1 counted them — this mu"t be the scene in which Betty got sunburned — many bloody battles — wish they'd hurry up and come to the happy ending — that lit- tle boy is the best actor in this pic- ture — he's handsome, too — the lovers meet once more — Pshaw! Sheba is go- ing back to Egypt — Solomon is too wise to be happy — fade-out. — T. S. I'll Say He Did "Did the doctor know what you had'?' "He seemed to have a pretty accurate idea.. He asked for .flO and I had |11 — Boston Trdiixi-rijit. S He — "Would you care t(t dance this dance?" She — "Yes, would you mind ask- ing someone for me?" S Lady (to guide in Yellowstone Park) — Do these hot springs ever freeze over? Guide — Oh, yes! Once last winter a lady stepped through tiie ice here and burned her foot. S— — Fair Customer (to salesman dis- playing modern bathing suit) — And you're sure this bathing suit won't shrink? Salesman — No, miss; it lias nowhere to shrink to. — Life. * 1 I Good things from 9 climes poured into a single glass* Delicious and Refreshing The Coca-Cola Company atlanta. ga. [201 SIREN What College Does for the American Man l-"c)iir years of collctjc I'lhu-at ion fiivc I lie Aiiicricaii mail a lirsl mort.>;a<:(' on a ili|>l()iiia, s I' V (' 11 serious all'aires (raiiioiir. four assoiied vest iiisters. iiieiiiories of fifteen "Ixtsom friends", two Imndi-ed eij^Iifeeii lifeloii}; enemies, twelve iiu-lies of pnlilieity (ineliidin^ ("aiiipn.s Scout), one live-ineli cigarette lioldcr, llil-ee dozen jiairs striped socks, oiie-liiiiidred seventy pounds of di-i\vel in volume sand notes, de luxe editions of Scliopeuhaucr, Omar, and Sane Sex l,i\iiij;. one nail-tile, one cataloj;iie< stock of extra-curriculum ''stories", ami one jiart in the middle. I'our vears of collejje life teach the American man to lie blase, c.vniial, skeptical, supercilious, atheistic, ami don't-give-a-damning; lo eat shrim|i salad and 4:30 steaks; to drink what is set liefore him; to sleep at will; to lial a nee a deficit of 137.52; to evince pro- fouml knowledge on any subject; to keep four ladies' vanity boxes and guessing; to write love lettei's within the law; to kiss or leave her alone; and to work for what thi're is in it. ■ — S 1 I That I'ired Feeling Kide and the girls ride with you ; Walk, and you walk alone; I'or the flappers these days are set in their ways — TIh'v like a guy with a car of his own. — Panther. S Algernon (city cousinl : What has that cow got the bell strapped •round her neck for? IJobby: That's to call the calf when (limicr's ready. — 77k lite: Sinr. ■ S "Thafs the guy Tin laying for"', .said IJie hen as liie farmer crossed the vard. Columbus was glad to see the U. S. A. after his long trip. And when he could throw a rope ! A lucky strike for him. / LUCKY STRIKEJ i I When we discovered the toasting I process six years ago, it was a Lucky I Strike for us. J "Why ? Because now millions of I smokers prefer the special flavor of I the Lucky Strike Cigarette — because It's Toasted* i "k — which seals in the delicious Burley flavor I And also because it's [21] miEN + — ™ Your Account Will Be Welcome At This Bank No red tape and no charges for opening an account with us First State Bank URBANA 4. . 4. "'"+ "If all tlic woi-ld were mine to give—" How ol'teii lias that yai-ii ]!een told hy <;ents so iiidigeilt Tiiey couldn't give a darn? S Blase college student — "Society is so shallow, Claiidiiie." Coed — "It is a good thing it is, or half the people who are wad- ing in it would be drowned." S Freshman — "Say. -lini. what are cosmetics?" AVise Senior — "Cosmetics ai'e ]>ea(h iiresei-ves." S Heard the week of the Junior prom : Sorority ]iledge entering hreathles.sly to announce trans- ]>orts that arrived on the noon train. S Frosh at football game, as crowd yells "Stick" — "(Josh, which one is he? He's real popu- lar, isn't he'?" Just Recieved A Shipment of Crane's Kara Linen At YOUR Store Engineers' Co-op Society J. R. Lindley, Manager Boneyard and Mathews URBANA. ILL. <.., — One of the Beauty Spots at Illinois ^y^^ take great pride in the beauty of our confec- tionery. 11 just suits those who desire i)leasant s)ir- ronnilings when they eat or drink. l?i-eakfasfs riate Lunches Sandwiches Salads lloniemade I'ie Cake Fancy Drinks Prehn & Henningsen Green at Sixth We Cater to Parties + — , ! I I 1 I I I I It Costs No More to Buy a Kelly 1 I I 1 1 I ! I ! I '"' ' "" "" '"■ ' ii-^'i»j* I More resilient and more nearly skid- proof than any other tire ever made and giving amazing mileage yet costing no more than other standard cord tires — no wonder the new Kelly Kant Slip cord has leaped into immediate popularity. CHURCHILL, BENGSTON & MILLER URBANA. ILL. [22J JIREN ! ! 1 I I +- When you open up your wai'drobe for your Spring cleaning and pressing — Send it to Gordon's 511 South Goodwin Main 423:! or 3461 Ne Plus Ultra I c:iii look .11 pictures coniif. Hark to funny sonjjs liariuouic. •lust to get an inspiration I'm- a pocui : I'll appreciate their Ininior. liul a storv. jest, or rumor A\"ill fail to wake a tIioui;lit williiii uiy donu'. I can sit for many Lours Till my disposition sours Chewing on a pipe or smoking up a stogie: j3ut the witty touch I hoi)e for i need no longer grope for. fVheu I hear an Indoor golfer talking IJogie. -S- 1 love Clarice, and she loves Dan. And Dan loves sweet Marie. -Marie loves Fi-ank. and Frank loves Aww And Ann's in love with nie. From a Nature Faker's Note Book Little Willie, having fun. shoxcd the lamrod down the gun. -Now. the tiling that I can't liguer. is why the hear don't pull the triggiM-. S Lament 1 wrote an ode on ancient things, .V pair of brognes all broken out, A sabre old. some tarnished riny;s. 1 knew I'd sell beyond a doubt. I wrote it well and called it. "Dust," But editors my ho])es demolish. Tliey would not take my verse on rust : I'or they all swore it had no polish. A 'li.-i. -+ +■• I Drop in Between Classes or at Noon Our drinks are the best in town and we serve special noon lunches for stu- dents from 11:- 30 to 1:30. IS0S0 NOURISHING, STRENGTHENING DURING ACTIVE SCHOOL MONTHS The Original Relieves the fatigue of study and exercise. Delicious, concentrated n u t r i t i o n that strengthens, refreshes and invigorates. Satisfjing and economical as a daily luncheon. Keep a jar in powder or lunch tablet form in your room. AVOID IMITATIONS Write for sample and lor booklet on its many advantage.s for tlie student and athlete. HORLICK'S, Racine, Wis. •+ +-— - [231 JElEll Before the Dance YOU NEED TOILET ARTICLES — From- The Green St. Pharmacy "Berf SPAULDING, Prop. Strauch's for STATIONERY ForXTAIN PENS ELECTRIC LAMPS riRlvERS. ETC. COLLIOdE JEWELRY MEMORY BOOKS KODAKS (JREETING CARDS I'ICTURES GIFTS The Home Of Good KoiUik Fiiii.sliiinj STRAUCH PHOTO-CRAFT HOUSE + — I I Are You Particular about Food Qualities? The more you are the better you'll like OSTRAND'S 606 S. Third G. A. OSTRAND PAUL GRADY '22 I .,.4. Symphony of Spring 1 sit on the slinrcs of tlic swii'liiij; silvcvv si ream, AVliicli sings swoct soiifis of siiiiiiy spaces, Seekiiij; fioiii llie s|niiiie of tlie spray, Sijjiis of spiiiig. 1 see some. Tlie Ijiil^bliiiy brook liieaks boldly beyond. Against the base of bii-elies. Rent on bearing before, bottles, bricks, bones, A\'liicli border its banks; Becanse black blasts of blizzards Have borne them within ils bonndaries. Beware, I bear on. Why wait witii weejiing willow, A\'ondering where the water wends its way It were worse than wearing whites, And wishing winter's waning. Why not waken to wiles of woman, ^^'andering not weary over ways ^^'orn by wet wheels as wanton winter wastes? 1 wonder why. The lilting langhter of lasses. Livens the laymans legacy on life. As Luna's luster lights the length of lo\e and life; 1 Some of the j Most Popular Courses 1 at Illinois Are those olfered by the Twin City Cafe. They are electives, to be sure, bnt you have a large variety to select from. A pioperly-balan:-ed curriculum is not complete withont some of these food courses. TWIN CITY CAFE Number 2—621 E. Green Numlier 1—309 N. Neil .,,+ 4... [24] SIREN Si) lifts lasses the labors of living With lissdiuc little lies ( »f liiicafjc loiig-ayo. I'll as lirf liiifici- loiijicr. I''(ir wlicii flowers riiillei- I'oi'lh lo fare willi the flamingo, III llie fllil of followiliii (lie flii;lil of free/.iiii; frosts: I'laiiiint; feniiiiiiie fealliers flicker. As the foliage of the forest flillers lo and fro-; And floweis, and flocks, and faith, and fruits. And flidfs, and fiirlielows, and frills fete nie. ■'Pis fate that fortune oilers not a feiiiiiiine flown. When followini; sprinii flies forth, I sit on the short of the swirling, swishini; sire.'iiii Seekiiii; from the spniiie of the s|iray, Siyns <»f spring, I see some. — Misof/i/nisl. ■ -+ i ♦Apologies to Call Haudljurg. Editor's note — Tliis poem has been written to be read alter the manner of Vachel Lindsey, to the accompaniment of Ptnbenstein's "Melody in F". ■ s That Dressed Up Feeling You all enjoy the thrill of correct attire. It can on- ly be experienced by the proper selection of your clothes. Mail is a scholar, ea^cr indeed to learn. But most forgetful haviuj> learn'd, — BiirlKDian: ••The Drama of Kings.'- ^Ivim C/ CLOTHES SHOP eareful selection "Clothes Th.it M.ikt Iho Man'— 510 E. Green ^> STYLED FOR. YOVHC TVfEIV KEATURE DERBY - One of the new Stetsons setting the styles for Spring. Medium crown and round, open curl. 4... +„. I I ■■'+■ I ODeaH^ Cafeteria 610 East Green St. STETSON HATS JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY, Philadelphi.n Popular Prices [25] jmm -* The Coffee that made "Sam' famous Whistle Inn TRY OUR AFTER LIBRARY LUNCHES Try oiii' Sugnr Wjil'fles nod Donffhniits Across from the Chem Building If Only All.' sweet Jlarie. Ildw gnllnntly I could siiisi' words of |)r;iis(': How iU'deutly. I'k-statically I'oiiit our your darliui; ways — If 1 but felt that they were so. Or that you rated i»raise, hut No I am afraid it cannot he: You do not rate it — Sweet Marie. S Caddie (to golfer hadly hunk- ered, with opponent well on the sir. You never know; the other green) : Don't give np the hole, gcntleniau might have a tit. — Boston Transcrijil . S Words to the Foolish A 1 !)!'() model vampire may he made over into an excellent V.yi'l style flapper by means of bobbing the hair, shortening the skirts, and jiaralysing the intellect. Content comes loith elcctri- eily. — Electric A1. WHEN you purchase an electric Lamp buy it at a shop where you will find service when you need it. We are famous for our elec- trical dependability. You w-ill al- ways find good selections to choose from and all attractively priced. "-•j. "Milk-Fed" Poultry There is a difference in our Milk-fed Poultry HCbTCLS CAF£S P(ri(n3 CARS FRAT£RN{T(£S 51 ehester Street /— N/MM 30S PA<:;«£(? 6F GAR 1536 n£AT 5f>£^(A(lT(£S Cr-1E£5E 1-1. PAUL TICK MGR. GhATnp6,i6n 111. +-» r2fi] jm£N To His Heart a Key (Continued from page sixteen) sipiaiT pill. Kiiida pfcltv lliiiii;, I liiiiii;li." riMiiiiiis (•('111 l.v. "Helen, wiint ;n-e yon sayiiij; ?" lie was iievci- sure wlietlier lie slwiuk lief or mil. nl'leiw anls. ■•Ymi acliiall.v mean il didn't lieloiifi to yon?" ••(!((()cl nij;lit ! I ne\'ei- said it evet- lielon^cd to iiie any time, did I? What's all tlie I'nss ahoiit, any liow? I've siiw lots prettier jiins than that in my lime, if it's style you're talkiiij; ahoiil. 1 round that on tlie front \\alk of a place I worked at last siini nier and wore it some, nntil the <;irl who lixcd there said it helonfjed to her, and then, of course, I <;a\(' it liack. Let me j;('t out. I'm sleepy, ,iiid if the old iiian'd hapiien to wake up I'd sure lict a cnssin'." lie nevei' went hack. Two years later, (Jeorge received in his mail a neat little packa<>e containing a cojiy of the sea- son's best seller; really the thing had created an aw- ful furore: He'd not read it yet — meant to, of course. His eye caught the author's name written on the fly leaf. An autographed copy. Well, that last deal had heeli a jiretly |)r(Uiiineiil one. ligiired up in I he news- papers a lot he read furl her. "Willi the ccinipliiiieiils of Helen Ordhaiii (alias Higginsi to the man who made possilile this conipreliensive study of a reliilionsliip e.xistin;; lie- I ween two American classes," '. s I've smelt limliurger cheese in Hie snmiiier. And had heavyweiglits sle]) on my corn; Keen rolihed both by crook and by ]iliinilter. Had the phone ring at four in the iiioin. I've had crackers place(l iiuilei- my coM-rs, And fly-paper under my col ; \ot one gives the awful sensation Of a hot bath that '(larn if aint hot. I The IN MAN BARBER SHOP Manicuring Shines Wilson and Percifield K. & B. Typewriter Paper 75c Per Ream This jiaper is a good clean while sheet of line texture and surface. Where ever it is sold it invariably repeats, and is an excei>tioually good value. I I I I 1 i i 1 1 I 1 I ! ! I 1 — »— .+ + W<; Lead in Every Li)ic We Carry Knowlton & Bennett Urbana I i 1 I 1 I ! i I ! I I i I WE HAVEN'T MUCH TRADE BUT WHAT WE HAVE IS VERY CLASSY CAVANAUGH BILLIARD PARLOR Over Twin City No. 2 Kl) CAVANAUGH [271 SmEN The Persona] WrJtini Machine THAT'S how easy it is to pay for Corona, the little 6} 2-pound typewriter you can fold up, take with you, write with anywhere. Phone us today for a free demonstration. R. C. WHITE & CO. 612 E. Green !Did He Get It ! Doc: "You cough easiei- tliis morning." Very Patient: "I ought to, I've been in-acticing all night." — Virgin ia Reel. H "I wish YOU wouldn't iuterrui)t Hie. Vou drove .something clean nut of my head". "Really? I didn't know you had anything clean in it". — Luinixxn). S Tretty Thing (to football try- out) : "In what position do you play?" Feetballer (Iilushiug i : "P.eut <(ver". — Gargoyle. S ''Pop! Did they play baseball in Noah's time?" "No, my boy, I believe not". "Why didn't they, Pop?" "Wet grounds, I guess". — Yonkcrs l^lafesmaii . The Difference Between good Printing and bad Printing is a matter of only a few dol- lars in its manufacture; but in its comparative re- sults there is an inestim- able difference in value. stationery, Dance Pro- grams, Tickets and all kinds of Commercial Printing. Desks. Chairs and Fil- ing Cabinets, Office out- fits. Pease Print Shop 22 Main St. Garfield 224G CHAMPAIGN 4.„_„ ,_.. .„_. — ,„„„ . , , ,._.„_,u ■,. . . , . — ,._„_.„_,._,„_,._.._.+ DICK MINER Plumbing and Heating Contractor /^- -.HI Z^^B" i IDEAL HEATING BOILERS PJHUie Main r>()l 219 West Main Street URBANA, ILLINOIS „ , „_,„ ._.U_J „_„_,„,_,._„_»_„_,. „_„ ._.,_„._„_„_. ._., „_,._„_„_„_„_.+ [28] JIfi£N READ! With the Aid of Right Lighting ! Arithmetic, grammar and spelling — tough propositions for children. Yet, like the help of an older mind, right lighting can do its part to make them easier. Won't you let us help solve your lighting problem? CHANDLER ELECTRIC SHOP 107 W. Main St, How to Get a Reputation * for Intellii^ence \\'c;ir (orloisc shell rims. Keep still iiiosl iif the (imc. Add "ami all lliiU: s(U-| (iT lliiii;;" In cvciv iciiiaiJc yon make. Look liorcd. S I'^tisscr : 1 waul a leave of ali seiice for ovei- the weeU-cml lo visK my sister in Chicago. Dean Kinicklyl How long lia\i' yon known iiei-? I'nsser: (alisenl-mindedly I — Ahont Iwo weeks. S -+ Foreign .student lo histoiy pi-ol'. — "Did yoti mean that we were to read till of those references or simply over look them ?" -S "And now, my dear brethein, what shall I say more?" thnml ered the Rev. Longwind. "Amen," came in sepuchral tones from the sttidents' corner. Bidweirs Hot Peanuts iiiitiiiiiiiiii Best on the Campus MOOREHEAD FURNITURE COMPANY Neil and University Avenue CHAMTAIG-V, ll.I.. We Are Especially Well Equipped in Our Rug Department E\i:KV'nil.\(; in llome JMirnish ings. A mosi (•(HM|i!ele line of I'ninitme. for every room or use in the home. Featuring all reiniiremenls for <"InI)s. Fraternity, and Sororilv houses. [29] Their Qualil v has wiped out price distincHon in cigarettes \bu cant hel p but lij^ them! They are DIFFER ENT-T^ey are GOOD HREN We want that party order— You want good goods and satisfactory service We make it RIGHT and deliver it ON TIME 'NUF SED i 4..: Berry man Bakery 213 South Neil Oh the iniij to inint „™+. Tut, Tut, Eve ! \\'lii'ii Adam in liliss askcil lOvc I'dP a kiss. She innUcrcd iicr li|is willi a cdu; (iavc looks so ocslalic. a iiswcicil ('nii)liatic. 1 don't care A-dani if I do. — Thi- liii:: Saic. y "Are tliosc I'fifjs I'resli?"' "Fresh, iiinnr.'" icplicd tiic vit- acioiis dealer. ••\\'liy, I lie liens lliat laid (hem ef>jis ain't even missed "em yet." — liiriiiiiiiil"! Ill \< trx. S ".My dear," called the wile to her Imshand in the next room, "what are you openinji that ean with'.'" ""Why with a can ojieuer. wliat'il you suppose'.'" "Well I thouj^lit from your re- mai'ks that yon were ahont I0 open it with i)rayer." — Exehauge. T. M. Bacon & Sons ■t ! I WHOLES alii: RKTAIL Paints Glass Wall Paper Chanqjai^n ^m mi III. Hi; "n "it I I I I m I U. of I. SUPPLY STORE-On the Square I ed a minnte and said, 'AVho will give the bride away?' " "What abont it?" "Well, I could liave; but I didn't want to." — Pinicli lioirl. You will admire our workmanship in all lines of Dyeing and Cleaning. Carpets and Rugs Given Special Attention PARIS DYEING & CLEANING WKS. Call Main 1744 J •I"" — '" — '" i i I 'Milk-Fed" Poultry There is a difference in our Milk-fed Poultry HOTELS CAF£S PirKfSfi CARS FRATGRfS(T{£S soRC)Rirces 51 ehester Street +-.. 4mk^ Ti^i PACKER 6F r^/CMIM 305 ^^^^^ GAR 1536 1-1, PAUL TICK MGR. [2J C^El\T SPE^l/^LXiES \ I GhAmp6.i6n HI. JI6£N *•— Arcade Barber Shop Cushing Bros. I'roii. IN ORDER 1 ■•Cush" 2 "Sam" 3 "Roy" 4 "Mack" 5 "Curt" Let us demonstrate the Scott Sharpener, it gets results from all the safety blades in exist- ence. I see "Cush" He Knows Firsl Olliccr: "Hid you {^ct that fellow's iiMinlicr?" Sccoml (Xlicrr: "No; lie was i^oiii too fast." ]'"'ii'st Olliccr: "Sav, llial was a tiiii' lookiiii; (lame in tliccai-.'" Si'Cdinl (»lliccr: "Wasn't siic? S 'rciii|i('raii(-e lA'ctiircr : "If I lead a iloiikev U]) to a pail of water and a pail of beer, wliicli will lie chose ti> drink ?"■ Hoak: "The water." T. L. : "And why?" Soak: "Heeanse he is an ass." — Chaparral. -S- "Waiter!" '•Yes, sii-." •What is this'.'" ••]t's l)eaii soup, sir." ••Xo matter what it has been; what is it now?" — Vir(/iiii(t Krrl. READ! With the Aid of Right Lighting ! Arithmetic, grammar and spelling — tough propositions for children. Yet, like the help of an older mind, right lighting can do its part to make them easier. Won't you let us help solve your lighting problem? CHANDLER ELECTRIC SHOP 107 W. Main St. IIREANA Wanted! A few more students to put their feet under our tables about two or three times a day Gilliland's Cafeteria 117 South Race Street— Urbana [3] jnxN #'mttl)cnt '^caJRoom LUNCHEONS AFTERNOON TEAS DINNERS ROOMS FOR BANQUETS AND PARTIES "^.nlllHll""" Ill'"" Newbride: "Did ymi get seats for tlie theatre, dearie'" Him: "Yes, love. 1 got tUe forty-third row." >\e\vl)ride: "Oil, I'm so glad. Tlie sliow won't bother lis a bit baclv there." — Dirtjc. S "AVliy, Bob Siiiitli: How dare you pass ine iij) on tiie street T' "Oil, I beg yonr pardon, Milly. You liave a new pair of slioes and I didn't recognize you." — The Phoenix. Heatiny is our one big boast We will make you warm as toast. — from the proverbs of Mr. Quick IS your house comforta- ble? Is there plenty of heaf? No. Well, why not ask us to help you out. We find the way and teli you the cost at once. L. W. Apperson URBANA 120 S. Race St. 1 I Main 906 s I * — DICK MINER Plumbing and Heating Contractor IDEAL HEATING BOILERS Phone Main 5(J1 219 West Main Street URBANA, ILLINOIS t [41 I smm Telephone Lines (Statistics prepared by the class in English Conversation) Women 1. "I'll have to break that date; you see my aunt (1), mother (2), friend (142) just dropped in and I have to en- tertain her. I'm awfully sorry (256)." 2. "I think I can go; did you say for dinner (322)?" 3. "You never speak to me when 1 see you on the street (12), on the street-car (18), in your car (118)." 4. "He's awfully slick (228). attractive (204), cute (169)?, sarcastic (342), conceited (495)." "He's a dear (780)." 5. "That's a good line (144); that's what they all say (427); that's just what you told my roommate last week (961)." Men 1. "I'll see you at church (1), at my eight o'clock (2), Monday (2). Saturday night (643)." 2. "Say, man, we've got some stuff lined up (50)4 some bonded stuff (2), some grape wine (4). some moon- shine (44). Do you know where I can get a quart (1,190)?" 3. "I've been trying to get you for two weeks (127). but the phone was out of order (10), but the line was busy (110). 4. "Is this the repair shop? When will my car be fixed (3)? When will my shoes be fixed (937)?" 5. "How did you make out in Acounting (356): I hit it hard (1), fairly well (6), missed the last question (21), missed all the questions (121), didn't go (298)." — Exchange. Confessions of a vSuicide It sci'iiis lliat 1 liad liccii staiidiii}; iiii llic l)fi(l;;(' riircvci-: ci'iitiiiics liad passed siiici' yesterday when slic liad told ine that we could iievei- marry. -My life, my holies, my every amhition had heeii sliat- tered by lliose Icll words of hers. Ts it heller to live oil. or seek the (|iiicl of t lie si ream lieliiw. I womhTed. A iiassiiij;- motor rou.sed me Irom my stii|«ir. Tiie lace at the window was hers, and in aiiolliei's arms. "Stoii". my better sense warned, "it may lie only an innocent little peltiiifj- jiarly", lint it was too late, loo late. My lirst impnlse on strikin;; the water was to .swim, and swim I did until my strenj^th Tailed, for I bad eaten and the water was deathly cold. A green mist formed before my eyes; and through its garnet medium I reviewed the events of my life. My body became strangely bonyant. and then a scaly crust seemed to enshroml my whole frame. "Is this', I screamed, "the ]iuni.shment destined for a suicide". My scream seemed to be the saviour of my being; for the scales fell from niy eyes, and things became rational. Something liickleil down my fore- head, it is blood 1 Ihoiighl. The blood letting cleared my brain, and 1 oiiened my eyes— yes, the damn roof was leaking again. — Dan Allen U. of I. SUPPLY STORE-On the Square Spring Is Coming— Golf Clubs Spring Poetry Base Ball Outfits Smoking Materials Memory Books — Well, what do you want? See us. U. of I. Supply Store l^^^^^^^^J^^^^^ ON THE SQUARE [5] HREN ^HiiuiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiniiiMiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiMiiaiiiiiiiMiiiaiiiiiiiiiiMaiiiMiiiiiiiuiiJMiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiin^^ BASEBALL!! A Prerequisite for a Degree How about it ? Would you be in favor of requir- ing every student to attend the baseball games? Any Illini who couldn't enthuse over a game of baseball would be a nice representative of the tribe, wouldn't he? This may be beside the point, however; for every student we know is so anxious for the games to start that he can hardly wait. We do our part toward boosting baseball by car- rying all the supplies. We have a complete line of baseball equipment. tuDml;^u]jplijt^lrore "Cluick" Bailey "Shelbv" Himes ;,iuiiMiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiMiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiRiiiiiiiiiiii[)iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiii)iiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiii)iiiiii uiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiin niiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiio iiiiiiQiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiin' [6] JICEN SCHOLASTIC PASTIMES II Wondering How He Rates It [7] T. P. BouRLAND, Editor; George B. Switzek, Art Editor; J. A. Nuckoi.ln, Busiiiens Maiuiycr ; R. R. Fowi,i;i!, Assist- G. V. Buchanan, Jr., ContrihtUing Editor; Jack Tuttle, ant Business Manayer; R. J. Webeu, Advertising Manager; Exchange Editor; Hoken Hoie, Contributing Artist. R. H. Ferguson. Circiihition Manager. Editorial Staff A. L. Stbaus L. F. Trtggs O. T>. BuROE D. C. ArxEN ClIAS. E. NOYES Business Staff BtRT HlTRD G. Zeiger W. Meknts P. Redemski Hkih Fechtman S. Fortier Fl.OYD MOCHON W. C. RUNKI.E J. O. Keth Mary Werts Bruce Cowan Ri TH Thrasher Art Staff G. V. Buchanan Dorothy Schulze Beatrice Adams Helen Hottinger Martin Topper Constance Freeman M. R. Marx C. W. Bauohman J. J. Bresee Elizabeth Boogs Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of_ Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $1.50 the year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 106 University Hall, Urbana, Illinois. Dedication BECAUSE: by reason of strike and flood and elections and much talk in newspapers, this Earth seems hard bound upon the comic canines, because men are a vexa- tion and women a problem, because life is so short and art so long, because graduation is impossible without im- possible mathematics, because there are only twenty-four hours in a day, and eminently because I, the editor, feel that way about it, this issue of the Siren is here made dedicate to those three principles which seemingly moti- vate the lives of contemporary colegers; Neurosis, Deca- dence, and Blah. S the high spiked wall of Academia. merit consideration in this semi-occasional Siren? What is right to say of this, of that, of the other? Shall we praise the Unit System? Blame the Faculty Follies? Censure the Springtime? Laud the politicians? Incinerate the Union? Bark at the newest styles in Periwinkle Blue? Dredge the Boneyard? Board up Crystal Lake Park? Or the reverse? Or does it make any difference? The last suggestion seems to us the most comfortable. To our muttons then, with a light heart. S Recapitulation Since last we were privileged to express ourselves in editorial print much water has flowed under the local Bridge of Sighs. The bosom of this murky flood has horn many chips, big and little, all clamoring to high heaven for attention. Our ponderous contemporary, the Daily Illini, remarked of us once that we filled rather painfully our two pages of comment, so in approaching these chips a certain delicacy of discrimination is needful. What events and institutions and happenings and erata, within More System There is this matter of Units. It seems that students, banded together in the bonds of geographic location, will naturally, through mutual activities in the baseball and dancing way, attain that union in which strength abides; this strength attained, it follows that student government will be even more represenative. This is my own inter- pretation, and I subject myself to correction. One cannot in conscience avoid favoring such altruism. Of course, the sentimentally inclined will regret somewhat the passing of the corrupt, yet somehow dear, forms of the aucicn regime. When the plotting groups about the Arcade have vanished, when no more crafty cokes find their way into the whistles of thirsty and grateful voters, when com- mon democratic Honesty stalks alone at midday and shrewd Geniality weeps in the dust— there will be reac- tionaries still to weep the day. But 1, for one, will have other things to weep over by then. So let the purging spirit of the Unit System abide in all glory. The Siren will support it as she supports all idealists— with her whole amphibious heart — and a tinge of pity. [8] smm Pierrot Goeth Afield The student opera, "Tea Time in Tibet", was produced in Cliicago this year. Everybody had a grand time, as far as I las- sion for cleanliness, I frankly attribute my appaling store of useless knowledge. It was my mother's custom to shroud ihosc lidiiseliold articles that would not be the better for soap and water, in layers of newspaper. Xews- ])apers protected tlie section of tinted wall behind tlie kitchen sink. New.spapers protected the wood- work alKiut the wash stand, covered bureaus, papered the cellar wall, draped the cu]iboard shelves. News- papers were everywhere. And it was my happy custom to forget the un- ])leasantness of whatever honschcdd duties it was my lot to perform by losing myself in the fascinat- ing columns which hung so convenientlv before mv eves. II Often the papers told of notiung but tlii' liiitlis. dentils, marriages and other misfortunes of the world that haipjiened in and about Asliton. Hut I remember i)biiu]y in a weekly slieet a learned article that hung before my gaze for a week. I can almost repeat it now, word for word, to the first row of tacks that held it in place. I had waslied tlie dishes each meal during every day of the week with my eyes glued upon it, aiul I read it through each time. It was a disser- tation on the "Venus Fly Trap." Tlieu I remember a denouiiuatioual weekly which kept the oilcloth covering of the kitchen table free from stain and gave me a biased but con- sistent view of church his- tory. The iqiper and low- er shelves of the range were covered respectively with sheets containing topics on, "The Fall of Rome" and "The Cause of Democratic Disintegra- tion.'' Then, too, there ap peared at other times around the shelf on which the soap box rested many giddy articles on. "My (Continued on Page 20) . - .»*M«r \ 1 ^^"--a^t^^ wm kS L V'X\ 1'.- Vv i^^vjfe^ -^ V ^ \ . y. n^ "vC^c^'M Jf!W^ * ^^^ ^. T^'\J0C>*^ 11 iiM^w ^^^^F 1 E9 ^h^'-^B^cr C^TiBI I^^H ' — .. IP^P4>h h^!!^^^^^ ^^^^^^|^HPf!22^^^^^?s ^Sij^i^^m^^^ ^"^^"^^it^V^Sr^ ^tetl^ r^vfj^^^^ W le; ■ ^1 • ' \ >\ ..--^ ,*i -He From the Nortli a vvliistle blew; From the South, a gentle "Moo!" James, pump full the drinking horn: The milkman won't be 'round this morn. Memoirs of a Campus Thespian By One of Tue.m "That part is yours; you are highly honored. Tell all your friends ; this is glory. And inci- dentally, here's the script ; come iiack tonight; know the first act." I arose and, groping for my hat, placed it upon my head. The suspense, the brain strain was over. Tag, I was it 1 I thanked them, placed tlie book beneath my arm. and bowed myself gracefully from the room. (I fell over a cliair near the door, but that was no matter for I looked about alertly as T got up to make stire I was unobserved). I was in a play. For weeks all tlie dramatically inclined had been crawling, stealthily ujion this part, casting sleek glances of resolve at their op- ponents, and licking their chops in contemplation of the jirize. Ilut I had reached it first. In my own eyes I was some Perseus with a coveted head held high. I lay awake in my bed that midnight musing on my good fortune as a child sucks contentedly on a sweet stick of candy. Mon Dii'U. till' rude awakening I "When I hinted that I nnist leave at mid- night sharp to survey for a "Survey of English Lit- ei-ature" ciuirse. they smil- ed savagely and wagged their heads. And the stage director went so far as to snap his fingers indepen- dently and say: "Leave, darn you ; we'll give your part to the 'loiterer" !" We had our pictures taken; it was explained that this was also glory in view of the fact that our faces would be put on post- ers about the town which was tine v*'ii''^<'iii'l adver- tisement. The jihotog- i-aplier arranged <>iir hands and the coach read lines of the jilay to create at- mosphere — it gives one an aesthetic feeling. They pasted t h e prints on posters and hung [10] I JIREN tlu'iii ill ri-c(|ii('iil('il |)l:ic('.s mImmiI iIic (Min|ins. I jimssimI Ilicst- witii iioiiclialciifc s('\('ral liiiics in tlio lU'Xt 1\vy six o'clock the cast stormed the theatre, donned the costumes and a suitahle coat of greasepaint, and liy seven was sitting nervously off-stage waiting for the ainlience to asseiidde. It drifted in slowly with iidiunian indifference, draping itself iu chattering solidity over the chairs. We observed it throngh the peek- holes after the stage-hand, with majestic procras- tination, raised the asbestos — hungry for sympa- thetic faces, scanned the conutenance of friend and foe. Tlie api)ropriately excited we 1)lessed ; the indiffei-ent we cursed: those who stayed at home we damned. No one in the cast was frightened. I 'No, never lose my balance, y" know. So many parts in the last tlivce years: play i>ositively bf)ring after a while." I the coach was glad of this, but took on a doubtful look when I tried to light a candle and ^ II. SIX use! A bit of s-liuffliiifj! Wrist initclirs ill rridencc' Excitid rciiiarks in loir tours! Gig- (ftiiKJ Craiiinf/ of ini-h-s for Inttcr risitm of tlie door! A dec/} roicc: "Come on! Let's lMJ.-lt '11 A study In Appeal Haughtily, coldly, she regarded him as he knelt before her. "Jane" he moaned, "answer me— why won't you marry me? What have I done to dis- please you?" Even in his agony of disappoint- ment he was handsome. His shoes immaculate, his trousers neatly pressed, his crepe tie in a perfect knot, every hair in place. How could she spurn him? "Jane" he repeated, "you must mis- trust me. I will confess all. Perhaps you are right in refusing me. Yes, I have been in prison for bigamy. I did forge my father's name. 1 was the instigator of that robbery, but my past is buried — no one knows." He stood up amazed. Over her face stole a look of tenderest affection. "John" she wept' "I am yours. Why didn't you tell me before? A man with a past! Now I can introduce you to my friends." "Oh mama, come here, lookit the catch I've made." — A. L. S. The Usual Cynic (With Apologies) She was standing near the corner, Very pretty, no one nigh; She was not averse to speaking. Not averse, and so was I. So we stopped there for a moment Just to pass the time of day; So I met her In the usual way. When I took her home that evening. First her supper, then a show, (She had her manners most alluring) You know how those things go. Yes, the step was in the shadow, Open her lips, but nought to say; So I left her In the usual way. When I saw her sometime later At some dance or at some show, She was looking just as sweetly At some other handsome beau. When I spoke she didn't notice. There was nothing I could say; She had dropped me In the usual way. [12] The tiiiii.s who advertise iu the t crii "Capiri!" S Hypnosis O Ph. D. Your Phibate key Entrances me. Its face displays The solar rays Of golden days. Hynosis shakes My mind. It makes Me feel like snakes. You lecture there: Thin is your hair; Earnest you air. Yet dancingly Your Phibate key — it winks at me. /f's getting inc.' T. P. B. A Counter Thrust Oh, T. P. B.. Your flippancy amuses me. For you delight Ver.ses to write Within my sight. But it Is true That you would rue My flunking you. You choose my class, But, like the mass. Just try to pass. If only you Some work would do. And some review. Your mark I'll raise And you I'll praise One of these days. If you display More pep, I may Give you an A. Then you can be A Ph. D., And wear a key. Oh, T. P. B. S. P. L. My Heart Grows Faint By Paul Nissley Landis My heart grows faint when I behold The wives my friends have married; I knew them, too, when they were girls, With silken hose and clustering curls, And figures easy to enfold — Thank God I tarried I My friends did not — deluded churls — And when I see them: "There," I sigh, "But for the grace of God, go I." The Kid Says They can start cleaniiifj up all their crime waves but garters \rill never .*!tt»i) their hold-up game. He hoi)es the agitators won't drive the Japs ont ret. One's got his laumlrv. T^'hen a man s;iys he has a "pressing engagement'" it's time to question what he really means. Maybe Darwin could ex])lain this lamblike eml of ilarch. After hearing a violinist he's darn glad a pianist doesn't have to tune his instrument before each number. These loud voiced lecturers simply ruin a fel- low's sleep. If absence makes tlie heart grow fonder, there are a half-dozen profs just crazy aliimt bini. A.L.S. [13] JSXN Hollow Log and Hollow Reed With me it has been ever so Through all the winter time I go. Austre, and mindful of my bool?, Deaf to sweet music; and I hrook No by play of white arms. Pierrette Beckons in vain, the jade. While yet The elms of green are innocent I keep a lonely watch, content. But oh, there comes an April night When all the town is strangely white, And little questing winds blow by; And when that night is on me I Do shortly fling my book away. And seek Pierrette, the jade, and say, "My child, the time has come to play!" I cannot say the Springtime may. Perforce, when lifts the winter fog I venture from my hollow log And cut a hollow reed to blow. With me it has been ever so. From the Anthology of the Boneyard A Lament Caprice in B-Flat Blanche's beloved. Bertram, beheld Beatrice. Blanche, being blonde, bashfull, blushing, became babyish beside Beatrice: Beatrice being big bold, brilliant brunnette. Beatrice beguiled Bertram. Bertram bewildered, bewitched be- devilled by baneful Beatrice behaved badly, becoming Beatrice's beau. Blanche bore banishment bravely. Bertram bought baubles, bedecking Beatrice barbarically. Bertram became bankrupt, beggar- ed. Beatrice basely betrayed Bertram. Benevolent being befriended Bert- ram. Bertram besought Blanche. Bertram brought Blanche back. Blanche bade bygones be bygones. Betrothal. Bertram, bridegroom. Blanche, bride. Bridesmaids. Bestman. Blossoms. Bishops. Bell Boisterousness. Banquet. Ball. Bridal tour. Boundless bliss. — HELEN HOTTINGER Look at me. I had a bright future. Everybody said so. In high school I starred in "Charlie's Aunt" And got a write-up in The College Bugle. In college I rose Rapidly. Dad Sent me down to take Engineering, so I Colud bear the torch of The family fortunes Down at the works. Well. I made Mask and Bauble, And Pierrot, and Played in al the plays To cordial audiences Of personal friends. At last, I graduated — (Anyone can do that If he sticks at it) And went home To the works Dad asked me "What can you do?" So The boneyard got me. (By Olivia riiaiiiberlain) Oh Patrick MaOee was my lover dear; I loved him all night and all day; But Patrick has wandered away from here For reas By Constance Freeman and C. E. Noyes I. "Help me tie this" — "Stop — damn it — That's my neck — Wait a bit." Fourin-one. and not nl (This'U ruin that newi So roll on to your doc "Please be careful of n III. "You might as well sit down and wait. The fool things never are on time; You know your girl is always late But the way these cabs are — it's a crime. [16] HREN li room ess) dress!" VII. Fine idea, this three-day date; Tea-dance. Bradley's, Sunday dinner. Everything is simply great, Except your pocketbook grows thinner course you had to drop the spoon, ill your glass and tip the plate: 11, this will he over soon ; Is my tie on straight?") VI. Decorations iiiitjlilii fiiir Ain't the music tii<-iiii Liniher up your newest line; Boy, this dance is keen! VIII. Monday mornir Feeling blue; Professor's warning. Nothing new. IX. LORDI What a headachel [17] SW£M FEET All poets loves tuli rant an rave about them witc'ain eyes, the wich they offen no doubt sees wen, after hot mince pies, they twists an turns does fancy squirms a-lyin ther In bed an wishin that they hadn't et an got that awful head, 'Tis then fair faces comes tuh them with beauteous silky hair, with chisel teeth arrayed in rows like bricks in the courthouse square. An wen the mist of pie has cleared an early morn breaks in, them poets tries tuh tell tuh us jest what they thought she been. They pictures her a angel what come down tuh earth that day, an tries tuh tell us that her hair, 'n' eyes DO point that way. They howls about her graceful arms an air demure an sweet, but never once does they bring in a thing about her feet. , Now I sure ain't no poet, 'tall, an that's as plain's can be. I only talks an thinks about them things as I can see. I falls ter purty faces like most eny human guy. an there's people that has made me laugh an there's them as made me sigh. I've seed a lot of humans an I've learned sum types tuh judge; I can tell a prosp'rous banker from a common kitchen drudge. But I bases my ^opinions of the people that I meet an size them up an index them by lookin at their feet. Did you ever start a-thinkin bout the many kinds of feet as you sees is worn by people wich you sees upon the street? Did you ever try tuh analyze er gage a person's talk by the kind of feet an shoes he sports wen goin fer a walk? You can tell a person's character nine chances out of ten. A gal may be a baby doll er jest a dried old hen. You do not need tuh bother, boy, tuh look into her face — jes glance down an her feet will show if you should stay in ths race. If you air follered latp at night wile on yer way tuh home, glance back tuh ascertain jest how his pedal parts do roam. For if they flops aroun too much, yer sure he's drained the jug; but if they're firm an stealthy-like, you run, the guy's a thug. The other day I took a walk an met up with a simp a-strollin long so peaceful like but with a funny limp. His right foot dragged a little bit like pullin at a weight, so I allowed he's from the pen, the hair shaved off his pate. Supposin wen yer walkin out yuh hears a measured tread, like a prehistoric monster that's a-stampin out a bed. That slap-slap keeps a-comin on till it reaches, passes you. Don't look up, man; a nickel star shines on a coat of blue. The digger of the ditches has his brogans clogged with dirt; those high heeled boots were drawn on by a hand that w'elds a quirt; the signboard poster's feet are splashed with flaky, dried up paste; the lumberjack sports heavy boots that reach nigh to his waist. The black man from the levee has heels that reach behind; upon the flapper's graceful limbs laced sandals you will flnd; the plainsman from the alkali, the farmer from the fields, may each be recognized in turn by the kind of feet he wields. So I might keep a-goin on like this from day tuh night. I'll be much satisfied if I have shown just how I'm right. Enough I've said I do believe tuh show it's just an meet that we should not ignore them, bus jest hand it to their feet. — H. R. Mathias. [18] snscM # Plays - Books - Music % Editir'x .Yo/< ; 77i/.v /wr/c. roii- (luittd 1)1/ (). I), liiin/c, editor of ihc niinois .V(t>i'iii' yoiKh'i- raiiihliuj; iinMiiitaiii rill Till' while liiMicalh the s(iiillici-ii iiiniit The starry hunter his skill stalks All! would that I coiilil drink my lill. Ah : would that I cnuid see the sliU. Er. ilooiishiiie. that is, iiiooidifiht Shine, on that Kentucky hill. _<;. V. B. S Rime of the Ancient Professor It was an Ancient Professor, And he stopjietli one of three. By thy long beard and glittering eye, Now wheiefore stoi)p'st me? For IJiadley's doors are open wide And 1 must in to dance! The Prof, put down his skinny hand. Bnt holds him with a glance. 'My boy", quoth he, in accents wild, 'Let be this merry din. And hie you to your study room. There lock yourself within". 'Beware, beware", the grey one called, 'And hark to me, oh liark. Or soon from school you'll be discharged By Thomas Arkle Clark'. The lad with laugh upon his face. Did pass the Old One liy. To trip his toes fantastically Till midnight's chimes were nigh. The youth he gave a funny laugh, 'What cai-e I for ycnir mark. This morn did I receive the bounce From Thomas Arkle Clark! —A. L. S. S— Too Over Waiter: "Isn't your egg cook- ed long enough, sir'/"' Customer: "Yes, but uot soon enough." — Buiitcr. When you go to the ice box for one last bite at bedtime . . . — and find one piece of cran- berry pie, that's a real lucky strike ! LUCKY STRIKE.' / The discovery of toasted tobacco was a lucky strike for us. If you will buy a package of Lucky Strike cigarettes yourself you will see why millions now prefer the toasted flavor.* It's Toasted irDo this today and notice the delicious toasted BurJey when you try Lucky Strike. Guaranteed by I N C O R POR^TEO [21] HREN A Large Stock of BRIEF CASES Selling at Reduced Prices At YOUR Store Engineers' Co-op Society J. R. Lindley, Manager Boneyard and Mathews URBANA, ILL. "Just For You" There's a thrill In the trill Of her sweet little \uii'e; There's n bliss 111 the kiss She bestows : There's delijiht In the sight Of her beautiful faee. There's a joy 111 each coy Little pose. All of these Just to please Only you, so she says. Just for you It is true She exists ; Aiii't it hell To hear tell Of some other admired. AVho is lamped And well vamped ' By this miss' —A. L. S. I I 1 The Coffee that made "Sam" famous Whistle Inn TRY OUR AFTER LIBRARY LUNCHES I Acro.ss from the Chem Building STYLED FOR. YOVKG MEK NOURISHING, STRENGTHENING DURING ACTIVE SCHOOL MONTHS FEATURE SOFT HAT --a smart young man's Stetson with a medium flare,and binding- Lined attractively in various shades of satin. STETSON HATS JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY, Philadelphia y Horlicks ^ ar ^ Mahed/yl^ Milk I The Original 1 I Relieves the fatigue of study and exercise. 1 Delicious, concentrated nutrition that 1 strengthens, refreshes and invigorates. 1 Satisfying and economical as a daily 1 luncheon. Keep a jar in powder or lunch 1 tablet form in your room. 1 I AVOID IMITATIONS 1 ] Write for sample and for booklet on ? its many advantages for the student I and athlete. J HORLIClt'S, Racine, Wis. I . [22] JI6£N -+ SPECIFY on your party order Berryman's Purity Bakery Goods And you'll be pleased, both as to quality and service. ♦ Berryman Bakery 213 S. Neil ON THE WAY TO TOWN Provincialism 4 Why is it that it takes from fifteen to twenty years for the average good European play to reach the boards in this country? One play that I have in mind appeared in Paris in 1900. but was not presented in this country until 1907, although it was very suc- cessful in its native land. And an- other written in 1905, if my memory serves me right, has just reached the American stage. It is Bernstein's •"Claw." and is, so I understand, to be presented in Champaign before very long. And so it goes through the list. The few contemporary plays represented are, in the main, rather cheap stuff. They do not get very far. There are some eight or ten now playing in various parts of the country, but have been, with very few exceptions, poorly re;eived by the critics. Tal ? If your watch needed repairing, would you take it to a Black- smith? Then why have your Plumbing or Heating repaired by some one who is incompetent? WE HAVE ONLY SKILLED MECHANICS I TRY US MISS RAY L. BOWMAN Manager I I I I I JOHNSON BROS. Sanitary and Heating Engineers 402 N. Neil St. CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS Both Phones [2-1] HREN piTFORM TWEED Suits for College Men $25 $27.50 $35 $40 $45 The veiy smartest, spring fashion ideas in tweed suits including the distinctive Donegal tweeds. The coats have large pockets, belted and pleated backs, leather buttons on many of the models. The fit and the cut and the tailoring is of the highest type and these attractive low prices will appeal to every man. You may get knickers for many of these suits if you wish. W.L ewis CHAMPAIGN BC 0. [2r,| HREN It Costs No More to Buy a Kelly I I I I f I *"• I I i I Not cnly is tl.c I'.aal-.jl.p Cord sura-footed when it is new, but becaUFe the tread is built up straght instead of fallowing the contour of the tire, it wears down evenly and retains its non-skid qualities till the end. CHURCHILL, BENGSTON & MILLER URBANA, ILL. Hot and Cold Ice Cream Eat ice cream in tlie sinmiier because it is frozen, and will, in melting, elim- inate a certain amount of your excess heat. Eat it in the winter because the liutter-fat, eggs, and sugar in ice cream are all efficient heat-producers. Only be sure that the cream you get is ours. Then you can be sure that it not only will have the flavor that has made it the favorite, but you will have the assurance that the ingredients will be of the highest .standard of quality and purity. It pays to insist on our ice cream. Phones: Garfield 2107 Main 175 Champaign Ice Cream Co. 111-115 E. University Street Mandy — "Rastus. you-all reminds me of one of dere flyin' machines." Rastus — " "Cause I'se a high-flyer, JIandy'" Mandy — "No, "cause you ain't no good on earth I" — Tiger. S "^^'hen I mairled you I t'.iyr.ght you were an angel." "So that's wliy yon never buy me any clothes." — H}iv Dial. S A Girl I Wculd Like to Meet One will) hasn't read "The Sheik."" Who doesn't ask if sjie is the first girl you have ever ki.ssed. Who doesn't meet you at the door witli her hat on. Who hasn't heard my jokes. , Who doesn't smoke "all my cigarettes. Who can talk about somefjiing l)esides the men she knows and tiie "helluva" time they show her. Who doesn't think she is a "big timer."" Who wears enough clothes to leave something to the imagination. Who doesn'f know everybody in the University. She could have my heart and fraternity pin. — Punch Bowl. + „ , ._,.,_. „_. . — 4. THE APOLLO CONFECTIONERY Home of High Grade Candies and Delicious Drinks Try one of our famous Fresh lime freezes or Fresh Strawberry Sundae THE APOLLO CONFECTIONERY Moryios Bros,. Vrhaiid, 111. [26] .. — + HREN Collegiate Questions .M. 1. T. — "Wluit were your marks l:ist year''" Jlaivard — •'\\'lia( is your social staiidiiij;?" "Williams — ••\\'liat malvo is yoiu- car?" N. Y. U." -"\A'liat is your iTlijjion?" Yale — "How much can you hold?" Princeton — "\\'hat show is she in?" Syracuse — "How much arc llicy paying; you?" Springfield — "How lout; have yon lieen mar- ried?"' Cornell — "l>o yon l'a\-or co cilncal ion ?" Union — "Have you had any electrical exjier- ience'" —-R'lijal (laboaii. S Alisent ilindei! I'rot. : "Is there anyone umler that lied?" l'"sca|)e(l Convict, Hidinj;: "Xot a soul." A. Jl. I'rof. : "Thai's funny — 1 could ha\e sworn that 1 heard sci-e'^dy." —!inni I'ol. S "Isn't this just the dearest placel" cried the sweet youufi tliinj; as she placed liersel! delisilitedly at a table in the Costly Pleasure Hotel. "How tiu(>I" murmured her stalwart com- l>anion. — Too Doa. S Uneasy lies the head thai has been crowned. Service with a smile Where you will find Quality TWIN CITY CAFES "Wc Nei^rr Close" 621 E. Green St. 309 N. Neil St. Golf! All Styles of Clubs 10 Varieties of Balls «> We Lead in Every Line We Carry Knowlton & Bennett Urbana Cafeteria 610 East Green St. Popular Prices [27] HEOEN Coiitdit coiitcii witk (■tcctri- (Uy. — Electric Al. WHEN you purchase an electric Lamp buy it at a shop where you will fiiifl service when you need it. We are famous for our elec- trical dependability. You will al- ways find good selections to choose from and all attractively priced. First Servant: "How did your one eyebrow wear out'" Second Servant : "Well, you see at onr place they have rough door- knobs." —/>.'/'■'■• S "Are yon taking' Madeline to 11i(> i)roiii this year?" "No. slie wanis to dance all the lime." —Voo Dno. S Dumb: "I saw a negro funeral today and behind the hearse walk- ed a number of iiKmrners with ])ails." liell: "Why tlie pails?" 1 )uHd( : "Going blackburying." — Brorslchi. Let Your Kodak Tell the Story Take home a well Uept Photo or Memory Book to show the Home Folks. We will help you with fresh supplies, a good finishing service, and information to correct your mistakes. Old Lady: "Oh, conductor, idease stop the train. I dro])pe(l my wig out the window." ("(inductor: "Never mind, Jla- dam, tliere is a switch just this side of tlu^ next station." — Ortnpiifi. I I I I I Strauch Photo-Craft House \c^ coix>\ Drink mf * Delicious and Refreshing The Coca-Cola Company atlanta, ga. [28] SW£M -* and Brunswick Columbia Records Special prices on Saxo- phoneti. Tenor Hanjos, and all string instruments Terms on Grand pianos to fraternities and sororities We also give special terms on fuiniture G. W. Lawrence 112 West Main Street URBANA "Hc"s got a '^nwt line," said tlic rcpnilcr after lie lind interviewed tlie presideiil <>( llic i'.ell Tele- plume Coinpaiiy. — Jiiiiitcr. i'ral ; "We li;nc a new disli- WMsher at the lioiiye." I'^rater: "How so?" l''r;it : "1 noticed the diirereiiee in llie linger prints mi inv ]>late." —Froth. S "Wateli : "And why does tli;il man always relVr to you as his l»al)y j;irl?" Foli: "Oh. I don't Unow. 1 suppose iieeiiiise 1 keep him up so late of nij^hts. — Frivol. S ^lotiier (aside) : Edna .your collar looks tif!;lit." Edna: "Oh. but .Mother, he isn't." — ()niiiu cant help but [ij^ them! Ihe^ are DIFFERENT-7)iey are GOOD JIREN Is where A yoiiiif; man in soilcil llaiiiu'ls and A sDt't shift Dreams of silver nidonjjlints Oil stately poiilars; Dreams of straiijie zeplivrs, eraiit, Klo\viii<{ a i)i-etty girrs hair: Dreams of the strains of a waltz That is i)laye(l where the lanterns j;low. AVheie the dark hcdd retreats No spying eye may fathom : He dreams of Youth, He dreams of Life, and warm Love: He dreams As he pounds out a Seventeen hundred Word thesis On A dizzy typewriter. — /(irkO-Ldiitmi. S She: "Don't you just love these nights?" He: "No. sometimes I study." — Octopus. Stude: "Do I understaud y I =5? s !^ MAY INTERSCHOLASTIC MCMXXII A JOS. KUHN & CO. ■A ^^■ \ V 1 ^.- Vay - Kay - Shun's Comin' Vacation's coming and we want to talve tliis opportun- ity to wisli you a prosperous and a liappy summer, and to tliank you for your liberal patronage during the past school year. We have strived hard to please you by offering the kind of merchandise students want at prices within the range of the average student's income. Those students who Lave traded here in the past year will agree that we have in a large measure succeeded in accomphshing this purpose. You will find equally styhsh and high quahty merchan- dise and equally reasonable prices when you return next fall. Central lUinois Greatest Store for Men 3I-33-35-37 X ■■ yf ^ \ 1 ,1 Salmagundi— "A box where sweets compacted lie" !o tempt the taste, intrigue the eye Visualize this newest member of Whitman's Quality Group, a gift-box of metal, with mosaic design by Mucha. Imagine the hinged lid swinging back, releasing the aroma of this new assortment of Whitman's, a promise of the treat to come: Majestic, Plum Pudding, Mint Rings, Pecan Cluster, Filbert Cluster, Brazil, Marshmallow Fudge, Nougat, Molasses Chewing Pecan Marsh- mallow. Solid Tablet, Marshmallow Square, Almonds, Flat Cream Mints, St. Nicholas, Marshmallow Apricot, Molasses Chips, Pecan Cara- mel Milk Chocolate Blossoms, Solid Chocolate Butterfly, Molasses Blocks, Marshmallow Mints, Messenger Boy. Surely a feast of nectared sweets where no crude surfeit reigns." Salmagundi Chocolates, in their sought-for art metal box, are sold by that selected store near you displaying the sign Chocolates and Confections STEPHEN F. WHITMAN &. SON, '.nc, Philadelphia, U. S. A. Also makers of Whitman's Instantaneous Cfiocolate, Cocoa and Marshmaliou/ Whip Whitman's famous candies are sold by Urbana University Pharmacy, 505 S. Goodwin St. Mouyious Bros. Urbana Drug Company, 111 W. Main St. Chainpaigu John Schuler & Co. Arcade Confectionery (J. A. Thnrnhill) Ask for special Illinois package with ribbon and seal S]»£N 4.,_.._„_.,_»_™ ™_. „_... i T. M.Bacon & Sons WHOLESALE RETAIL Paints Glass Wall Paper Champaign -+ I ■v^