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The only guarantee you'll need for life is the name on the barrel — "Geo. S. Parker — DUOFOLD." Accept none without it, if you want the real thing. Avoid the borrowing habit. 1 arUer 'Xiuqfold PEN GUARANTEED FOR LIFE Other Parker Pens, $2.75 lo $3 50; Pencils lo rr. New York. Chicago, Allanh,. Bulfaln. Dallas. Sati pramnco: Tuniilo. %5 ' %7 ^ $10 lem all, $2 lo $5 ; London, Erig.; Berlin, Germany Freshman Number SERVING ILLINI For Our 34th Year WUESTEMAN JEWELRY STORE ESTABLISHED 1897 14 Main Street Champaign, 111. Hello mini! Snowden Air Transport Welcomes You to Champaign - Urbana We invite yon to visit the Airport at any time and look over our equipment Our Student Instruction and Gross Country Rates are Unusually Low Day Passenger Flights $1.00 per Passenger Night Passenger Flights $2.00 per Passenger Here is a Sample of Our Cross Country Rates ROUND TRIP FARE 1 Pass. 2 Pass. 3 Pass. CHICAGO, ILLINOIS $20.00 $25.00 $30.00 DETROIT, MICHIIGAN $55.00 $65.00 $80.00 ST. LOUIS. MISSOURI $30.00 $.15.00 $45.00 COLUMBUS, OHIO $50.00 $55.00 $70.00 LA FAYETTE, INDIANA $15.00 $20.00 $25.00 Located 3 Miles Northwest of the Campus on Route 39 at Five Points PHONES -6-1122 — COUNTY 'H2-2 The SIREN i-s^^l ^ , 7^ \'oLUME XXII, Freshman Number September, 1931, No. 1 HENRY AVERY.. M. E. GOSNELL.. Editor-in-Cliiej ..Business Mana/jer Editorial Siaff Nita Ramcy IVoman's Editor Ted Griesenauer hsislaiit Editor Douglas Frost Assistant Editor Harold Bovven irt Editor 1). F. Mulvihill Assistant Editor Jo Smith Exchange Editor Marion IrrmaTiii Theater Editor Dorothy Quinn, Sydney Turner, Hal Jewell, Constance Beilinski, Jane Fauntz, Carl Dueser, Ralph Milliner, Kay Presberg, Martha Pence, Bettie Haynie, George McDevitt, Harvey Kring, Allan Pierce, J. T. Boyd, CJenevieve Anderson. Business Staff \V. A. Zoeller AdII^CtlllinOr magazine. Contents COVER Harold Bowen For Freshman Only 6 The Halla.l ol Terry McTuff 6 Some People of Note 1 1 Coming Distractions 20 Humor Most Anywhere Freshman Number INKLINGS from Ye Editor's Pen Its kinda awful, the way about five hundred freshmen will get sucked in this fall in about the same manner we did four years ago. There oughtta be a law. Take these movies — and if any- one comes through with one of those late Marx you take 'em, I'm tired of them cracks, let them be warned that there is an axe in the corner all re- served for just such an emergency. I always did want to go to a murder trial. You have seen these impressive Gothic buildings centered about wide stretches of lawn and great old trees, with nary an 1870 creation orra good old street-car track among them for relief. The moonlight nights and the guitars plunking somewhere, while someone sings love songs. The handsome athalete, who is poor as hell, but who dresses as I would if I didn't pay any of my bills instead of just not paying part of them, has in his house a nice fat boy and one in it who wears horn rimmed glasses and collects bugs with the aid of a insect net constantly in his hands. Co-eds who are beautiful walk up and down the paths, and all of the waitresses (also beautiful) in the town date the boys just like anything. The dances are swell. The hall is as big as the Union Depot and decorated like Cecil De Mille's idea of God's bathroom. The handsome athalete proposes at these dances, and the villian almost seduces — it takes a movie director to discover that hair's breadth between a seduction and a seduction ixnay — the sweet, sweet girl in a road house, the likes of which for flooziness we have never seen. And then our hero smirches his own fair name in order that the housemother (white haired, and southern plantationey looking) will never suspect her. (Oh, it all looks and sounds swell, and so five hundred kids will charge down here, and our old man will pause for a moment of silent wonder- mg and a knowing look when we write for more money. Now if only one movie were done after the realistic method. Something like this — The hero dons his second best black suit after deciding that it isn't too Godawful after being rained on yesterday afternoon. His twenty- seven fifty top coat does not not look as if it had come from England. If I wanted to I could name a store right here in town, yes right under your nose, Abie, that it looked as if it might have come from. He goes down Armory picking his way through a few tons of shingles, bricks, broken sidewalks and as- sorted planks, on his way to the library. The only music he hears is a one finger rendition of the St. Louis blues. The not so beautiful co-eds in the library chew gum and manicure their nails. Professors carry briefcases, and are not conspiciously the father confessors of pretty but dim-witted girls. The waitresses are saving them- selves for the taxi drivers, and one of them is cock-eyed. He goes to a dance, a house dance. You see he is broke, and has to go where it doesn't cost anything. At least it doesn't cost him anything. The music is lousy. His date is terrible. She drinks beer and gets sick. He pounds her on the back, and walks around and around the block with her. The house mother has been in bed since nine when they arrive home at twelve forty-seven. The only attempt at a seduction of his date during the whole evening was made by a slightly intoxicated instructor who was near-sighted. Our hero sleeps through his first two classes, but as he has had to lie like hell to keep from being cut out of his eleven o'clock, he rises and gets there at 1 1 :05, unshaven, and, as he would say it, poohed. He gets through the hour, eats lunch, goes to his one o'clock, makes Prehn's at three, goes home to dinner, plays a hand of bridge, studies — gothic buildings — beautiful co-eds — nerts. There oughtta be a law. The SIREN The Letter He Wrote Dearest Jane : I've been thinking of you constant- ly, dear, anil just waiting until I could see you again. Now it's up to you, honey, for our house is giving a formal dinner dance a week from Saturday, and I hope that >()u can come. Please let mc know right awa>- — and make your answer "yes.' All my love, Bill. The Letter She Wanted to Write Well, so you turned up again. Can't 1 ever get rid of you. I'll come to your dance, but only because I remembered that that cute curly haired fellow I met last summer pledged your house this year. Your dancing is atrocious^nearly as bad as your taste in neckties. It's pretty dull here though, and I guess that a riip down there will break the monotony as well as anytliing. Here's hoping I Ii\e through it. J.ANE. He was a fine lad and all the boys liked him, but they broke his pledge the other day when one of the upper- classmen asked him to do something, and he replied, "Alrightie." The Letter He Wanted to Write Dear Jane: Not that you are dear to me at all, but most letters start that way. I've tried to get a date for our dance since my girl had to go to the hos- pital, but couldn't get one, and so you are most cordially invited — not. Hut I can't dance by myself, so I guess I can stand you for one eve- ning. Let me know — but you won't break my heart if you can't come, for Lord knows you're no marvel on your feet. And puhlease don't wear that lousy pink dress you had last time — it makes you look sick. Bill. The Letter She Wrote Dearest Bill: It was so sweet of you to invite me to your dance, and I'll be just thrilled to death to come. It seems such a long time since I saw you, and you know, dear, I've missed you so. I'll arrive on the 6:15 train Friday night. Until then, Lovingly, Jane. AIZ6U)P Gapone Gets Himself a Mounted Policeman Freshman Number Monday Morning Eight O'clock I cooda died Mree. After me acomin allaway from Shicawga an abyin a new dress nail, nen he comes in sa cockide he kent take me t the husdance, he was astaggerin all over the place, onus. I just sezztoom, I sezz, 'I ain't goin to no dance with a drunk, I'm a lady I am." I sezz, anee just shuttup an never sezz a word. Onust Mree, was awfull. Me all drestup neverything, an no place tgotu. Thassa trubble withem, they aingot nuthin else tdo, n they puffur that tuh nuthinall. Well, I sezz to him. "Thassa swell way tu cuniinget a girl, ainit." Well, Mree he never sezz a thing, an I was mad. I betee was athinkun I ain't no lady, an I ain't gonna gofur no guy who has enny sush ideas ozzat whassoever. Alia same I was hopin he ain't to tight t' take me, but Mree, I got lousyluck. Ennyway I goes uppa stairs bawlin kinda like, wy I dunno. but it wuz sucha .swell dress, I cern- ly look swell inut. Yno Eenuzz, donchu? Well enny- way she had some guy's number who wantser to kallimup, and so she gets me adate, and Mree he wuz swell. He ainunnna these here platonic lovers, thassa fac, but heez swellook- in. n always crackinwise kinda. [ hafta laffat his, onust, Mree you otta see him in ninew hat. Scream. Onust. I'm dyiiitu have ymeetum, he calls me bebby, and is he ever ucuddup. I'm just laffinatim alia time. Beeseeinyu — goincokin tomorrow ? seeyuhin Feetlebum's ... I gotta run now tget intuh mateo'clock. S 'long. MY ROOM-MATE he borrows shirts he borrows ties stamps are things he never buys — practically he wears my collars he swipes my date he's swell people my room mate. Little Alcibiades asked his big sister Sodoma how much four plus one was supposed to equal. "Five," correctly answered Sodoma, powder- ing her nose. Little Alcibiades seemed perturbed. He swatted a fly with his bare hand and with his firm little fist he broke Sodoma's looking-glass in order that she would notice his indignation, if any. "And here, my dearest Sodoma ; for shame!" He wagged his head, continuing, "I have been led to be- lieve that three and two are five!" Diogenes may have been looking for an honest man, but we'd call it publicity. The old captain lay dying. He thought of his boyhood days in Scot- land, of dear old Edinburgh, of the lassies he had kissed, of the good Scotch he had drunk. Outside the cabin he could hear the noise of the battle. By his side sat the next rank- ing officer, waiting for his last words. He must give the men a message, one that would keep their faith in good Scots blood. The griz- zled old Scotchman rose on one elbow and slowly spoke — "Don't give up the ship, boys, don't give up the ship!" Famous Ex's Ex-am S-Ex Ex-Wife T-Ex Guinan Ex-Lax Ex-'32 A fraternity house is a place where people put their socks on the floor and their books on the table. We venture to prophesy that by the end of rushing week in every sorority house on campus there will be the following girls pledged: The girl whose mother was a member in '98. The girl whose cousin was a mem- ber at Rho chapter. The good looking girl whose homely sister is a member. The homely girl whose good look- ing sister is a member. The girl who has just loads of money. The girl who was valedictorian of her high school class. The girl who is sure to go in for activities — and never does. The girl who dates a lot. The girl who never dates. The girl who gets food in her laundry every week. The girl whose brother dates the rushing chairman. — and that's enough girls for any sorority. First gnat: Have you heard why they sprayed the gnus? Second gnat: Yes, the keeper said it wasn't gnei.ss for us to gnaw on them. (Gnashing of teeth). "That's enough out of you," said the surgeon as he closed the appendix inscision. — Come!/ JVidoiv. The SIREN For Freshmen Only It's getting to be a pretty old game by this time, if you shoulil ask one who knows. Then again if you ask one who doesn't know, well, it's the same stuff; it's getting to be a pretty old game anyway. When a freshman enters any uni- versity he should be all eyes and cars. And, for God's sake, listen to whatever a sophomore has to tell you ; the sophomore has been here a year and because of that he knows it all. Doubt that and you are just like hi used to be — and glad of it. He is in just exactly the same order as most university professors. Incidentally it is bad form to call a professor a prof. Call him anything else. You'll ivajit to, by and by. And that one is not hard to picture. If I will be given audience for a brief eight or ten hours of time I will point out just how my proof is vital to the present day situation of foot- ball, Duke Ellington, and gin. And so it goes. If by this time there are any followers of my righte- ousness beguiled, we'll proceed to delve more deeply into the mysteries of what at one time was called rush- ing week, but which now, partially because of the economic depression on all business, is nothing more than wholesale propositioning. We'll start out with a little story of a man. It is going to be sad, so for cry eye, shut this book right now if you think you're going to laugh, because yo\i aren't. Where were we? Oh, yes; the man. We are starting out with a man. He has a mustache and, like me, he has no money. But he is fearless; all heroes are. He is walk- ing along an old Roman highway just north of Paxton, and what do you think happens? No you're wrong alreadv. That's the trouble with this bunch of people nowadays ; al- ways thinking way ahead of every- thing. Consider yourselves bawled out good and improper. Improper because it isn't spelled with a capital letter. There's a reason for every- thing. And if you doubt it, listen to this: well, never mind; you're going to have to listen to millions of people before the end of your re- spective lives, so let it go. Now then ; the man ! Back to the man I His legs gave away under him (not over him, of course) from lack of nourishment. Ignatz hadn't eaten. That's a good reason for falling by the wayside — unless there is an r.wfully queer blonde in the crowd who is five foot three. Anyway there will be no blondes at any cost or at any height. Let that be known uni- versally. Is it known universally? All right; why not advertise? Look at Pluto. Years ago people were bashful when they entered a hard- ware store (now called drug store for short-s) to purchase a vial of pluto water, but now all there is to it is to walk in the store, wear a smile (or a frown) and in a pleas- ant voice, yell: NATURE WON'T and that is all there is to it. Ad- vertising, my good people, advertis- ing alone has done it. And that brings to mind that our hero, who is still lying in the Pax- ton mud, is awakening. A passing motorist hails. It be- comes dark. Lightning is seen when it thunders. Night is upon our hero. Nightfall is upon everyone about the same time. No sense to it. You can't confront mother nature (in capitals) with a smile, knowing all the while the Marx Brothers are preaching that it would be a better world for children if the parents would eat the spinach. The good Samaritan picked up our hero with the use of a block and tackle ; I mean with the rofic of a block and (same as above). "Whar ye goin', stranger?" Guess who asked that. On and on they rode in the night, in the rain, in the hail, in the car. The wind howled ; so did our hero when he saw the light of day. Bandits! Gee, I hadn't thought of that before ! The plot thickens just like gravy does when you add a sufficient quantity (or quantities) of cement. The car was transformed into a beautiful yacht (pronounced yott) and in it was a beautiful princess and the good Samaritan and let's see; that was all. Our hero, by the way, managed to get into the picture by craning his neck, and what is more pleasing to the eye and emotions as a crane's neck? Nothing, excepting two cranes' necks in the process. Well, anyway, the yacht stopped right in front of the old farmer's house. His B. V. D. (B. V. D. means Beautiful V u t Dumb) daughter emerged from the latticed doorway, but soon she submerged again into the inky blackness of the house by the side of the road. "Any ice today?" shouted L ranius, the good Samaritan. The answer came back like a fleeting cloud. This answer depended upon years of an- alytical survey by the hero of the plot which by now has hardened into one solid mass of pavement. Not the hero; I mean the plot has hardened. Clear? If not, send a stamped, self- addressed, mailed, white, legibly written (write on one side of the paper only), envelope to me and I'll clear it up. I'll clean it up, in fact! I use Lydia Pinkham's and would never be without it. My friends laughed when I sat down at the Freshman Number piano ; heh-heh ; I had run completely out of nickels. And the truth of it is that when the hero saw me he froze. He thought I had been looking for him, when in reality I had been looking for him. There is a difference, of course, but we'll not go into that at this setting. Get the spirit into you somehow. Drink it ; that's the surest way. Then it's spirits. Spirits Fermenti. And now, kind people, I am draw- ing my story to a close. (No such luck!) He had struck her and there she lay in a pool room. It was horrible! For days and nights he waited. The suspense was begin- ning to show on him and also on his coat which by this time was sorely in need of a press. His business was pressing, so that was ironed out easily. He is now a wiser man ; that is, he would have been a wiser man if he lived, but he died in the arms of the law. The same story would be told you by him, were he alive today. He would say I died in the arms of the law. Ye-ah ! My newly ac- quired father-in-law! Nothing in the world like a mili- tary wedding! It goes over with a bang from start to finish, and so on. It was our hero's start — but it was also his finish. He's pushing up poppies in the cemetery now. You could buy them but there used to be a sign up there saying here lies pop- pies covering Ignatz. The poppies phoned their labor leader and with him surged a terrific battle on lies. They hate lies. Lying is terrible, ain't it? And so is improper usage of the King's English, although he doesn't even know it's his. Three days before Ignatz died he was giving me a most profound lesson and I didn't know it, but I know it now. He really knew the score, that guy. They thought so much of him that they organized a thought society and every Tuesday night they would congregate and think of Ignatz. They were thinking so intently one night that it took the new house mother a whole day to break up the session. A tri-delt from N. U. was too heavy a winner so there was only one thing to do. Load the dice there- after. Use warranted cubes. Ice, preferably. Well, so manv of the inmates were A Freshman Waxes Poetic led to dire want and utter destruc- tion (pretty good) that most of them, all, in fact, except one lone man, left and sought out good new homes in which to live. They didn't like most of the places they visited, but because they had a certain friend in one particular house, they let the other houses go the way of all flesh and, incidentally, turned them down. They had a helluva time trying to convince those already living in these new houses that they (the communists) were plenty okay, so after a long time, the older mem- bers in each house became so dissat- isfied with what drifted in that they adopted them as their very own and from that day on till this, each per- son shoots dice, plays cards, spins the roulette, shoots the bull, drinks bum liquor and so forth in his own separate house. This, dear children, is the man- ner, in general, of how the whole concept of rushing came about; the matter of technique was a thing to be developed through the ages and it's still in its infancy, if you ask one who knows — knows what you ask. Just plain nose-on-face. Now then. Things in a general sort of way are new to any man or woman who comes to the great school for the first time. But you'd be surprised the way things begin to become more well known each day. By the end of the first football game you will be tired of sitting. This, by the way, is only for a dumb freshman to read, so if any of youse big upper- classmen are this far and haven't turned back to the front cover to take another look, please do so now. Then just forget where you left off and start on another story. All rightie, little men and women ; we are about to resume resumptions. Another thing every neophyte must know some sweet day is the truth of the slogan knowledge is power. Look it up sometime. I haven't the time to tell you all about it. It would require that I be found (Continued on Page 29) The SIREN The Ballad of Terry McTuff Words and Music By George McDevitt All. tlu- frozen North, snow and so forth, Has fostered many a tale Of greed and lust, and the gleaming dust, Or the love of a man for a frail. You know he was bad, he also had The strength of an Arctic glacier. But, to tell the truth was quite un- couth, Used a carbolic acid chaser. He seated himself, pulled out his pelf By the candle light's dim flicker, He banged on the table as hard as was able And called for raw, red licker. From the ^'ukon land, near a frozen strand. Came Terrible Terry McTuff, In a buckskin shirt that was glazed with dirt. Say, but that guy was rough. Oh, a Klondike bully, wild and wooly. From Alaska's ice-ribbed shores, Who used to curse and do things worse Till the rum dripped from his pores. His eyes were hard and his face was marred. He occasionally slurred his vowels; The tobacco juice ran free and loose, And dripped from 'neath his jowls. W'ithout coming to blows he could tweak the nose Of any from Nome to the Pole, Including that rake, the Killer, Jake, The Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal. But, the Yukon life with its brawl- ing strife Began to pall on Terry McTuff, He yearned for knowledge, he wanted COLLEGE, The thought itself was enough. For many years there came to the ears Of this far-ofif northern guy, The glowing fame attached to the name Of the smouldering Illini. So he packed his bags, though razzed by the wags. Such as Dangerous Dan McGrew, ( Who never was shot, that stufi's all rot. He's alive and so is Lou). With mud in his eye he bade good- bye To the Malamute saloon, By the very next day he was mushing his way And traveled many a moon. They brought him a coke, he thought he'd choke, He raved, he ranted, he swore; He wanted to see in a mild D. T. The Face on the Barroom Floor. In a nearby booth this guy uncouth Espied a campus queen. With a smile as bright as a Northern light, A gal called Imogene. His breath came fast as an Arctic blast And he swore that she'd be his. In a burst of pride he sat by her side And his r^ blood started to fizz. The time grew late so they made a date, He'd call the following night, And he swore with a will when he got the bill, It totalled quite a sight. Many a time, when he spent his last dime. In the Malamute saloon. He would rake the dive with his forty-five. While humming a bawdy tune. In a gust of rain he hit Champaign And straightway made for Prehn's, For he'd heard the talc from a guy in jail Of the famous Illini wrens. Next evening came and he called for the dame L/ike he'd called for many before, With a blood-shot eye and a sealskin tie. Rum dripping from every pore. Freshman Number He wasted no time but started his line, ( It went over so hot in Nome) But this innocent child, this co-ed mild \Vasn't like the gals back home. He began to thaw, this he-man raw. From far-off icy lands, I' or this maiden slim affected him Like the Chinook's warming hands. This one brief inning was the be- ginning Of the decline of Terry McTuff, He forgot the slush and grueling mush Of the Arctic country rough. In pearl gray hats and snow-white spats He struts the old Broad-walk; With a fancy vest on his manly chest, He became the campus talk. And his undenvear (you'll tear your hair) Was made of lavender silk. And instead of rum, or alky bum, He now drank Grade A milk. Instead of A. C. as you'd expect to see He's studying the English "drawmas" His boudoir's rose to match his hose As well as his Russian pajamaws. He's a lily right, this northern fright A regular W. C. T. U. He'll run from the house at the sight of a mouse Or drop dead from a gentle "moo." Thus you see, what a man can be. When a woman enters his life. Instead of a force, he's just a clothes horse Arranged by his dear little wife. forth, Has fostered many a tale. Of greed and lust, and the gleaming dust, Or — The love of a man for a frail. oldest son who sat beside her and whispered — "Pat, look and see if there's another corpse in the churcli !" Pat died, and although he had been the village sot and rounder com- bined for years, the good parish priest was giving him a funeral sermon that charitably overlooked these shortcomings in favor of his more exemplary virtues. He dwelt at length upon them, slightly em- broidering them as he warmed to his subject. His widow, sitting in a front pew with her numerous off- spring listened to the sermon with a rapt, if slightly confused, counte- nance. Finally she nudged her She: "You remind me of the Venus de Milo." He: "But I have my arms. " She: "Oh, have you?" It is a wise cork that knows its own pop. S Bachelor: "I could never bear to be a widow's second husband." Second Bachelor: "Well, for my part, I'd much rather be the second than the first." _ r — 1 ill Ah, the frozen North, snow and so Wouldn't it l)t' funny if .voiir dad caufjlit nie liere again? 10 The SIREN MARKET IS IN UPWARD TREND Outlook for Comino Year Is Still Dull CHAMPAIGN, Sept. 13.— Frats, Inc. and Sororities, Ltd. combined again yesterday to continue the strong bull market that has been in effect for the month of September. Call money requests went out over Illinois and nearby states on account of purchases in the above concerns. Frosh, preferred, is the cause of much active bidding, while houses holding Frosh, common, were will- ing to do trading, but had no re- sponse. At the close of the market independents had suffered severe losses. It is believed that the continued depression tended to reduce the number of desirable offerings and that many houses will necessarily postpone building operations for the coming year. Here's some bones of poor old Bell, The late assistant in lab 8-L. He forgot the gas Was explosive, alas! And it blew him all to "I hear that Smith strained his eye looking at the dog star last night." "Really? I didn't know you could do that." "Well, this proved to be Sirius." Instructor: "And if you think this assignment is so terrible you ought to thank the Lord that I don't give ones three chapters long like Pro- fessor Jones." W. K. Voice from the back row — "Thank the Lord." The two sailors had been paid Saturday morning, and this was Sun- day afternoon. The oldest of the two tars sat on his sea-chest counting over a handful of small change. 'Spend all of your money, Joe?" "Yeah." "All of it?" "Yeah." "In one night?" "Yeah." "Howja spend it?" "Well, there was ten bucks for gin, and I et a couple of bucks worth, and I musta spent thirty bucks on those wimmen, and I lost a hundred in a crap game, and — 1 guess that's all." His mate sat, calculating. "But that leaves you with fifty bucks — " The old tar meditated a minute before he spoke — "I guess I musta just spent that foolishly." BlOGKAI'lIV Ol' A CO-ED. Safety pins. Hair pins. Fraternity pins. Safety pins. Rolling pins. A gentleman embarking upon a railway journey stowed his luggage beneath his berth, fastening to one of the bags a five dollar bill and a note which read something like this: "Take the five if you must but spare the bottle of Scotch in the bag. It is for my dying father to whose side I am going." Upon rising the next morning and examining the bag he found to his surprise that the five was gone but that there were three bottles of Scotch in the case. FAUWrt "What do you want with a new dress?" "Just a new coat, new shoes, and new gloves." Freshman Number Some People of Note • •^ Chicagoans of today know the name of Rosa Raisa as did their parents that of Mary Garden — which is say- ing considerable for this lady who is a Russian-Italian artist who speaks French, English, German, and Yiddish. Vladimir Golschmann, director of the St. Symphony Orchestra, is a Russian Parisian. When in Paris he he is the director of Le Cercle Musicale de la Sorbonne, and directs the governmental concerts in the Sorbonne. ■^ Beniamino Gigli, who is now in his eleventh season as the leading tenor of the Metropolitan Opera company, enjoys the popularity once showered upon Caruso. The charm and ex- pressiveness of his voice explain it all. 12 The SIREN Now You Tell One CiC'oigf Isacsoii was an honest song writi-r — at k-ast, lioncst with himstlt. It was true that all his songs were hits, sung far and witk-. He was known throughout the world as the genius of melody land. People often asked Georgia how he did it. George just looked innocent, and people concluded that genius could not explain its method. However, George did have method, and very effective method. It is often remarked that our popular songs seem to bi- repetitions of each other. Nobody knew this better than George. If you analyzed his songs you would find bits of everything from My Glass-Eyed Baby to Nearer My God to Thee, the latter, of course, in jazz meter. Efficiency was in the air that morning. Cicorgie decided to be methodical. Instead of borrowing ten bars from one song and two from another, Georgie decided to take three from each of a number of songs. But before he was through he had to go through more songs than he expected, and, ot course, there was the usual number of repeated strains. His finished work was a surprise even to himself — by for his best composition ; at least he thought so, and so did the publisher. Hot Mamma Dolls, however, was first released as the theme .song of Michael Cohen's "Scandals." It clicked per- fectly, required seven encores. Soon everybody was singing this new song. Consequently there was a big laugh when a late arrival from the country asked an usher if they were still singing that song, a new song to the same old air. But this happened to be one country lad who refused to be laughed at. Several weeks later came the announcement of a huge plagiarism suit against Messrs. Isacson, Cohen, John Doe, Richard Roe, etc., from a huge rival firm — a firm known not to waste time where it had no case. Georgie decided to settle the matter in person by calling upon the rival pub- lisher. "Say, what's the idea of writing a new lyric for Virginia Mammy's Lullaby, and calling it your own work?" this publisher asked. "Virginia Mammy's Lullaby. That was a hit five years ago — how does it go again? He tried it out, bar for bar, upon tile piano. Bar for bar it was the melody of Hot Mamma Dolls. The suit was ininiediately settled out of court. Then George went home to figure the whole tiling out — went over the various songs he had picked from. He discovered the amazing truth. Every bar he had chosen had been taken from Virginia Mammy's Lullaby — though he had used about fifteen songs to draw from. His own experience is knowing how to arrange melodies accounted for his arranging exactly as they had once before been arranged. The next day the newsboys were all shouting "Extra' Extra! Famous Song Writer Shoots Himself!" — Southern California PVampus. 'I'hc Life of a Piano Tuner This is tile story of the lady who phoned for a piano tuner ami was informed that they would send up a blind one. "just lead him to the piano," said the chief, "he'll do tlie rest." And then for some reason or other he sent an- other man, one who was distinctly not blind. The man came back about an hour later with a broad grin on his face. 'Say, chief," he asked, "what did you tell that dame on that last job? She grabbed me by the arm when I came in and she led me over to the piano, and, say, chief, she didn't have no more clothes on than September Morn." — Chicago Phoenix. 'All that I have I owe to my fraternity," cried the frosl as he received his latest assessment. — Black and Blue Jay. Good to tlie Last Drop Freshman Number 13 THE SPEECH THAT MOST PROFESSORS DO NOT MAKE AT THE FIRST MEETING OF THE CLASS Good afternoon. My name is written on the blackboard, though I suppose most of you cannot see it be- cause of the fact that I am sitting; directly in front of it. None of you would remember it anyway so it doesn't make much difference. I really prefer to have the girls sit at the front of the room. I usually give A to the first row, B to the second row, and C to the third row. I find that I am getting near-sighted and 1 cannot see very well if the dis- tance is greater than that. I imder- stand that a great many of you think you will get something out of this course. That is too bad. You won't. I haven't, and I've gone over it every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday since 1909. Frankly, the course is a bore, and I would not be teaching it if I did not have to eat. There will be a ten minutes quiz at each meet- ing of the class and three hour ex- aminations. The questions will not concern the work covered by the course if I can help it. I do not grade very well excepting in certain cases. There will be a term paper, as they are so quaintly called. Lick and a promise paper, or overnight paper woidd be more like it. You need not pay any attention to the oflice hours I will post upon the board, as I will never be in my office anyway. The books this year are different from those of last year for the simple reason that 1 wrote one this year and 1 am getting fifteen per cent on it. \ nu may go now, and bear in mind that it is my rule to count being late twice as a cut and that you must get 69 in at least one of the hour exami- nations or you do not pass the course. Good afternoon. LEAD PIPE RUSHING they had it in the nineties and worked it pretty fine handing poor dumb freshmen a comprehensive line of havva cigarette of havva drink of beer we got fifty-seven chapters and we'd like to have you here now its diffrunt and i quote three senior men they say the lead-pipe system can never be again but they asked me if i'd havva cigarette or havva drink of beer they got fifty-seven chapters and they'd like to have me here. an so i bit. He calls his girl friend Mirror, cause she reflects each passing fashion. The flame in the fireplace flickered, now brightly, now almost ex- tinguished. The divan immediately facing it was occupied. He leaned down almost to her lips, and asked, "Comfy, honey?" All was cold out- side. The wind howled at the pale moon. The man hummed a few measures of "I Love You Truly" and again looked down at her ; this time he was almost audibly smiling. Again he asked, "Comfy, honey?" The only response was her low, gurg- ling essay at sighing. Then a slight movement, and that was all. He looked intently at her. Her closed eyes seemed to cut her off from this world. She breathed regularly. Then a sound, almost like a grunt, came out of the throaty voice box of the man. It said, almost triumphantly, "Thank God the brat's finally asleep!" A REVIVAL the story of little red riding hood as our friend milt gross would tell it. Nize baby. Itt op all de proon- jooz and de momma will tell a sturry from leedle Rad Riding Hood. It sims der was a family wot hes a modder, odder a dotter, odder a grossmutter. De leetle gurl she wears a rad coat, and so de neighbors call her lettle Rad Riding Hood, odder when dey do not call names from eensults. (Itt op de proonjooz or de momma bust de neck ) . Nu, won day de momma sant leedle Rad Riding Hood by the grossmutter mit de baskit, wit gefulte feesh odder schnapps, for de grossmutter wuz seek. De doidy old wolf, dot dope, he saw de Leedle Rad Riding Hood, and dot doidy bum, he was posho- yunt, wit lust, wit lewd. So he runs likell for de grossmutter's appopp- ment to itt her so he can seduce de leedle Rad Riding Hood whan she comes with de grossmutter's gefulte fish from schmapps. (Nize baby, itt some carrotz mit crim). Leedle Rad Riding Hood, dat clavar wanch, she brang de wood- chopper by de woods to de gross- mutter's, and when she saw de wolf in de grossmutter's nightgown she did scrimming with leffing from highsterics. De woodchopper chop- ped hoff de wolf's head mitt de axe, and de wolf was opp de crick, dat doidy bum. (Nize baby, ett up all de carrotz mit crim). Helen: Why do you call \our boy friend Otto, when you know his name is Jack? Sue: Cause he's a Caddillac. He: "Some women talk more than others." Him: "What others?" 14 The SIREN ACXilE SCHOOLS FASHION NOTES Denims in bright blue continue to be the favored material for overalls. Several charming models by two prominent Chicago concerns show- wide trouser bottoms (which may be turned up) and many pockets, the whole being held up as customary by nu'iliiim wiiith straps which cross both siiouldcrs ami return to the back. The return of cotton to the smart ensemble is noted by the addition of a bandana. This accessory is either red or blue with simple white figures and may be permitted to hang loose- ly from the left plier pocket. On a certain fashionable campus this is hung about the neck, being secured by a horseshoe ring or similar device. The shirt with one or two full pockets may be of contrasting tone or the usual robin's-egg blue and will be left open at the neck. A chic out- fit will have smart canvas gloves with knitted wrist, although the gauntlet style is good, especially if there is a red star on the outside for contrast. .•\ clever ensemble for fall dances was noted at the annual Aggie Frosh Formal last week. The conventional blue deniin overalls was contrasted by mahogany brown brogans and an olive drab shirt, the latter being left open at the neck to reveal three mauve and emerald green tattooed ladies and five cerise snakes. Hry Agents Must Not Drink While on the Job — headline in the Chi Trib. We can expect prohibi- tion to begin being a success any minute now. Editor: "Did you know that the W^dow Jones is sueing us for libel?" Reporter: "No. What is the idea?" Editor: "We said in her hus- band's obituary that he had died and gone to a happier home." A freshman whose last name was Green Was told his blind date would be keen. Her technique was fine And so was her line Hut she was the wife of the dean! What is so rare as a day in June? Ah-ha! The villian is near! Let us trip once again through the cowslips, my love. No, thank you; I don't care for beer. An Alpha Xi Delt and a doughty Sig Ep Were alone on a desert isle. When rescued they wrote a com- plete anecdote Which makes girls' cockeyed hats all the style. "One for you and one for me; one for you and ..." was what Musso- lini was saying as he and "Say When" King Carol of Roumania were dividing up the countries of Europe to their own fancies. "And now," continued Benito, "we'll get the two that we left outside." This might have meant Sicily and Africa. Hal: How's the wreck stand- ing up? Pal : Oh, it runs — after a fashion. Hal: Just like a woman, eh! He: Do you know how molecules and Eve are alike? She: Both are always running around. He: Nope, if it wasn't for atoms there wouldn't be either. Our Own Novel "You young whippersnapper," thundred Cyrus Vandough," "never will I permit you to marry my daughter. Get out and stay out!" Our hero walked out of the Van- dough mansion with sorrow in his heart. (Continued on Page 15) » » * Our Own Novel (Continued from Page 10) (Well, we're sorry. There wasn't enough room to print all the novel, so we'll skip four murders, one arson, five suicides and give you the last sentence on page 324) : "And we'll live happily ever after, won't we, dear?" » * » They laughed when I sat down to play the modernistic piano. How the devil was I to know it was only a bookcase ? » * » "Yes, Abie, I vould say you took the vords right out of my hands. * * * "How did John happen to die?" "Well, you see, he had a bad habit of going to sleep in every gut- ter in Europe." "I see; something ran over him." "No, he finally got to Venice." S Jones, who could hardly be called a lily, was dying and he was a little afraid of what his wife's friends might say about him when he was in the dim beyond and no longer to be reckoned with. "Don't believe a word of what they say about me," were the words on his lips as he died. She didn't. They all said what a wonderful husband he was, that he was so liberal with money, and that a better man never lived. John: "Doesn't Mary trust you?" Joe: "Yes, but her father doesn't." Advice to the frosh : When you meet the Dean on the campus while cutting a class, be nonchalant, light a Murad. Freshman Number 15 Sing a Song of Fratneys Oh, Mary Magee Was a girl who was svelte, But she lost her poise When she dated a Delt. A sad story this And I pause to cry, When I think of the blokes Who pledge ol' Chi Psi. Now Tommy was a Beta And he was big and strong. But he went out with a tiny (?) Kappa, And she done him wrong. Let's sing a song of Tri Delt And eyes that brightly shine. Let's sing a song of Tri Delt, And the girl who once was mine — and his — and his — Here's to the girls of Alpha Xi. They live way out in the woods. But here's to the girls of Alpha Xi — They've certainly got the goods. The Psi U's are a jolly bunch. And dearly love their frat. Their house is gayly painted white — There must be a reason for that. Wave the flag for Alpha Gam And send a cheer on high. They really are nice girls — They just don't give a damn. Park is indeed a jolly hall With side booths nice and wide. And when they turn the lights down low You can't tell who's inside. A turtle is a funny bird, He drinks his whiskey straight. He's rowdy as an Alpha Sig (Another Eta Bete!) THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE (As Emily Post probably wishes she had done it). Chapter I We must all have our best manners with us when we go to rushing parties, for if we don't we won't get bid — and what makes you think you will enihow, dearie? One reader asks, "Do you eat the lettuce with the salad?" To you, dear lady, we reply — no, indeedy, you save it, and take it home to the canary. If you don't have a canary, give it to some one who has. Snappy repartee is also a social ac- complishment that aids one in mak- ing a favorable impression at a func- tion of this sort. You can't go wrong on these answers : Q. Where do you live? A. Sometime in July. Q. What are you majoring in? A. Two inches of rain fell in Ohio last week. Q. Are you a freshman ? A. I think he did. Other answers sent on request. Send stamps — 1 ought to write a letter soon. When asked what your favorite sport is, don't answer truthfully. Say tennis, golf, swimming, or some other innocuous game. Everybody knows the right answer — but wait until the chaperon has gone to the Star Course. Chapter H (Omitted by request of the Hos- pital Association). Chapter HI (Not written yet). Chapter Wll (I'm getting tired of this). "Don't give that bird another seed, remember the depression." i don't like him — he's so damned loud!" — California Pelican The SIREN STRAUCH'S Fronting Campus at 709 South \Vri<>ht A recognized students' store for Pens Stationery Note Books Theme I*ads Study Lamps Photo Finishing l^en Repair Picture F"raming Pictures Gifts and Greeting Cards Always the late things in Jewelry, at STRAUCH'S HEY 'TELLA!'' Bill Got Stung! Better Play Safe go to WEBER'S for your Senior Pictures BRESEE BROS. Gleaners - Hatters - Tailors ALL PHONES 4444 Plant and Main Office 518-20 East Green Cleaning, Pressing, Dyeing, Pleating, Dressmaking, Tailoring, Hat Renovating DO YOU THIN The Siren has decided to test your mental capacity and at the same time determine your opinions on a most important subject. We are offering a $5.00 prize for the best essay "On Fraternities." Take your pen in hand Phone 3800 COAL • Howell Fuel and Coke Co. Bi-st Quality — Lowest Prices Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky and West Virginia Coals GIVE US A TRIAL J Freshman Number 17 For DRY CLEANING Services The Lincoln Cleaners Inc. 7-1500 Phone or 3550 : SERIOUSLY? and capitalize on your intelligence and literary ability. Bring, or mail, your essays to the Siren office, Illi- nois Union Building before October 20. The prize winning essay will be printed in an early edition of the Siren. » CLARK'S Jewelry Shop Keys Duplicated Skates-Scissors Sharpened WATCHES, REPAIRING. ERATERNITY AND SORORITY PINS 618 East John, Champaign, 111. Phone 4050 Parlor Suites Made to Order Anti(iues, Caneing Twin City Tent-Awning and Upholstering Co. 719 South Neil Street, Champaign, III. ROBERT JOHNSON, Upholster A'l Years Experience We uplioltster and refinish all kinds of furniture. Kstiniates free. Let us do jocir work. Satisfaction auaranteed. The University Concert and Entertainment Board Presents THE STAR COURSE for 1931-32 Beniamino Gigli, tenor October 21, 1931 Rosa Raisa, baritone With Giacomo Rimini, baritone December 15, 1931 Ted Shawn and His Dancers January 22, 1932 The London Singers Male Quartet February 12, 1932 The St. Louis Symphony Orchestra February 25, 1932 Season tickets $4, $5, $6 Make reserz'atinns at 110 Uuii'ersity Hall 18 The SIREN CAMPUS DEFINITIONS Sorority — a borcd-ing house. Fraternity — place your father be- longed to. Prehn'.s — home to "5^% of the stu- dents. Park — gymnasium. I'ni Hall — relic of the Civil War. Feldkamps — .social club. Hroadwalk — that's it. V^irginia — place to hold hands. Humor — stuff like this. (sez who?) S First: Why did Sir Galahad boast of the strength of ten, or was it tin? Second: Must have gotten a hold of some rotten liquor and was off his head. (^ncc upon a time a farmer said to his son, "My boy, they say that you can take a boy out of the country, but that you can't take the country out of the boy." The poor lad, taking the remark to heart, left the farm and went to the w. k. city. There he wandered from house to house, destitute and forlorn. Finally he got a job shining shoes (the depression, you know) in a dirty little shoe shining place, where he is to this day. His father stayed home and made hay — and that, boys and girls, is why people still say, "Farmer, make hay while the sun shines." Cab Driver: "Where to?" Stew: "You're driving the hack aintchu?" Blow Hard! .And then there is the old, old story of the new, new Austin. It was this way: Mr. Lanvin Pecksniff drove his little car (???) up to the gas station. His order was, "A pint of gas and four drops of oil, please." After having fulfilled Mr. Peck- sniff's wishes and Mr. Pecksniff's gas tank, the attendant asked, "And shall I sneeze into your tires while I'm at it?" Automobile licenses in Illinois will be orange and blue this year, the University colors instead of, as some- one has said, the pedestrian's colors — black and blue. First gossip (over the back fence) : And did you hear of Mrs. Adams being arrested for being found in her hotel with her paramours? Second S. S. (scandal slinger) : Well, it just goes to show what hap pens when you associate with these dern foreigners. Preacher (concluding sermon): . . . and as you go forth into the world remember — the wages of sin is death." Well known voice from the rear : Thank heavens, we're sure of getting paid for something during this de- pression. Joe: "What did you do all sum- mer Bill?" Rill: "Say, 1 hiked from one end of town to the other looking for a job, and then studied up on Ec be- tween times — what did you do ?" Joe: "I just loafed around too." Most Austin jokes are as funny as they were when they were Ford jokes. Ofll^ ti\r(\ RflMEY Yours in the Bond Freshman Number 19 Gangsters? (Well, at least racketeers) The two of them drifted into town one day and settled for a while in a boarding house on a dingy back street. Three days work and they moved into an imposing mansion right in the midst of things. They were smooth talkers and accom- plished much in a short time. These fellows from Chicago are slick! Be- sides they resorted to no dirty work, just talked on and on, persuading their victims. Their apprentice year with the new crowd passed swiftly. Many a man they bagged during their noviti- ate. When they had won their spurs, they became the leaders of the outfit — the brains of the gang. Then they set to work ; victims were enticed into the lair; the coflers were soon filled, overflowing. The outfit was prosperous. Often late at night one heard, "Come on, Jim, let's go to bed !" "No, Bill, I've got work to do." And Bill might be heard moving around in the small hours. What he did was a mystery, for no apparent results were accomplished. So it went, mysterious trips, late hours, and an increased financial condition. Four years went past — the outfit was breaking up. Each year some drifted away. Finally the territory held nothing for even such as they. Bill and Jim had come to the part- ing of the ways. Their farewell was brief as befitted men of their type — strong men, big both mentally and physically, built like football heroes, hard as nails. "Well, Bill, I'll see you again sometime !" "Sure thing. Next year maybe." Gangsters? No, just a couple of Betas! THE MAIL comes & i look to see if by chance or b'gosh a poor lonely frosh got lied to like hell when she said he was swell i mighta .... knowed that's the way itud be. Have you read the latest? "The Old Soak" or "Ten Nights in a Bathtub." Lou of Lennox tells a story which brings tears into the eyes and in- surance into the minds of all who hear of it. An iron worker was located near the top of one of Chi- cago's highest skyscrapers performing his art. He had noticed an aeroplane circling above him, but failed to take much heed. Suddenly he heard an awful outburst of whirring coming from the direction of the plane, and, looking, the iron worker saw with his own eyes what most of us read about; the aviator had fallen out of the cockpit and speedily headed earthAvard. About the time when the aviator got down to the level at which the iron worker was peering from, this poor iron worker, so en- grossed in what he had just seen, fell out of the building on which he was working, and for the distance of about eighteen floors (down, please) the aviator and the iron worker were just about neck and neck. Finally, when the two had fallen down as far as about the fifty-sixth floor, the avia- tor pulled the ring of his parachute release and after a second or two, commenced his slow descent — safely. The iron worker, still tumbling at a terrific rate of speed, saw this, and directing his accusation at the avia- tor, shouted, "Ya damn' sissv!" WHY I DIDN'T PLEDGE Place check next to your reason I didn't like the house. I didn't like the members. I didn't like the meals. I didn't like the house president. The house was too far from cam- pus. The house was too near to campus. I wasn't bid. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, we shall start the pro- gram by broadcasting our Sleepytime fairytale. "Once upon a time there was a good little co-ed — " A diplomat is not one who tells a woman she looks the same as she al- ways did after she has just paid a grand to have three chins lifted. "I know," said the little violet, "The stalk brought me." Just think of the fortune that awaits the discoverer of an antiseptic able to cure athlete's brain. "When can I be expecting a pay- ment on your bill?" "Always." To a Democrat, a post office is just a place you get mail out of. A large number of events have been given too much publicity. What if Lady Godiva had worn bobbed hair? The SIREN Coming Distractions As reviewed hv Marion Irrmann Rushing and registration arc now but a dim memory, and the old grind is on again. But for those who just can't seem to study all the time, and when even the nightly sessions get boring, the theaters in Champaign are providing a grand antidote for whatever ails you during the month of October. There are some stellar attractions coming that \ou can't afford to miss. Just imagine how you're going to feel when someone says, " 'And have you seen Garbo's latest' — wasn't it simply gr-rand !", and you have to face an aghast look of surprise when you haltingly mur- mur, "I don't know — I haven't seen it. " The Virginia is starting the month of October with an unusual picture, "East of Borneo." The ac- tion is laid in the wild jungle country of the .Malay Peninsula, and concerns an Oriental rajah, an American woman, and her former husband. Exciting events follow in close order — a volcano in full erup- tion — the death battle between a ferocious tiger and a native — the fall of a gorgeous pagan palace which obliterates a town and annihilates its people. Rose Hobart and Charles Bickford play the leading roles, and their love story provides a gripping drama. Following "East of Borneo" comes Helen Twelvetrees supported by Ricardo Cortez in the melodramatic thriller of the year — "Bad Com- pany." The lovely Helen succeeds in getting her husband out of the beer racket by the clever method of shooting the gang leader herself — bur, te.ir not, not a hair of her fair head is touched, and the show comes to the approved happy ending. From the 8th to the 10th Lionel Barrymore's feature picture "Guilty Hands" will come to the Virginia screen, and we predict a record at- tendance for this show. It's a "per- fect murder" story — until the time Kay Francis appears on the scene. From then on — but to say more would only break the suspense — you'll have to find out for yourselves. Later in the month — and what a treat — comes the one and only Greta Garbo paired with the fascinating Clark Gable to thrill you with their performances in "Susan Lenox — Her Fall and Rise." And after that, that incomparable comedian of the banjo eyes, Eddie Cantor, in his latest suc- cess, "Palmy Days." The Rialto presents as its first offering during October "The Star Witness," featuring Walter Huston, Charles (Chic) Sale, and Frances Starr. Chic plays one of his unfor- gettable characters — Gran'pa Sum- merrill, the Man Who Knew Lincoln. It is Gran'pa who frees his kidnapped grandson, rounds up the criminals, gives some live tips to the cops, and finally turns star witness — but this is only the barest outline of a story so exciting and at the same time so human that it makes description quite impossible. The R-K-O Orpheum is soon to show "The Brat" — a show composed of 20 per cent drama, and 80 per cent comedy. Sally O'Neill takes the part of the hoydenish Brat in the clever play about the conceited author and the Bowery girl he picks up as a heroine for his next novel. Frank Albertson, an engaging and talented young juvenile, scores ad- mirably in this gay, whimsical, and surprising picture. "Shanghaied Love" which appears after "The Brat" is a story of the old clipper ship days when seafaring men were as primitive as the denizens of the jungle, and almost as brutal. An intriguing love theme is coupled with mutiny and fist fights, and to- gether provides an evening's enter- tainment which proves highly enjoy- able. And here's something that ought to appeal to you — and you — and you. Laurel and Hardy have made their first feature picture, and have called it "Pardon Us" — and you surely will after you've seen it. It's a riot of laughs as this grandest of screen comedy teams crash prison gates — then walk right out again! They made their first mistake when they tried to sell hooch to a policeman, but you'll make no mistake, if you're looking for laughs, in seeing these funny boys in their full-length talkie. In case you've accidentally missed some of the best shows of the year, you've still got a chance to see them at the Park. During October such hits as Marion Davies in "Five and Ten," Janet Gaynor in "Daddy Long Legs," Polly Moran and .Marie Dressier in "Politics" and Norma Shearer and Clark Gable in "A Free Soul" will hold forth, and if you miss them again — well, it's just too bad. Freshman Number 21 EDUCATION Little girl: "I know something I won't tell. . . ." Adult: "You'll get over that when you get to college." — California If ampiis. Bill collector: I tell you I'm gonna keep comin' back until you pay this bill! Profligate: Well, well. I wish you many happy returns of the day. — Longhorn. Two wrongs often make a riot. — Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. S "There's Mussolini !" "The Duce you say." — Chicago Phoenix. Mile. Lupescu, known in fame Is very seldom seen, Roumanians discredit her For she finessed their queen. — Harvard Lampoon. The ultimate in woman's clothes — to feci the coolest and look the hottest. — Cornell fVidow. Our idea of a good professor is one who never learned the alphabet farther than D. — Cornell fVidow. The tourist guide was getting tired. He had to answer too many dumb questions. "And where did you say that this rock came from," asked another traveler. The guide politely replied that a glacier brought it down. Then up spoke the in- quisitive one again, "And where did the glacier go?" "Aw," said the guide, "It went back after another rock." — Indiana Bored Walk. Ole, the night porter, was testifying before the jury after the big bank robbery. "You say," thundered the attorney, "that at midnight you were cleaning the ofSce, and eight masked men brushed past you and went on into the vault room with revolvers drawn?" "Yah," said Ole. "And a moment later, a terrific explosion blew the vault door off, and the same men went out past you carrying cur- rency and bonds?" "Yah," said Ole. "Well, what did you do then?" "Aye put down my mop." "Yes, but then what did you do?" "Veil, aye say to myself, 'dis bane hell of a way to run a bank!' " — Mugwump. 'If I were as clover as yoti are, I woald be writing for the Siren." "And if you were as smart, yoLi woLild be wearing Charter House clothes from /^^t^^/?:^," /AT ^ The SIREN GLASS For Every Purpose PLATE GLASS MIRRORS AUTO GLASS WIRE GLASS LEE COTTER Entrance south end of Parkhill BIdg. Kesideine I'lione •.':i41 OHiie Phone 4050 714 South Neil Street, Champaign, 111. Number, Please! As girls go, she wasn't bad at all; you know, nice build, good looks, and all that . . . but, what a memory! When but a little girl, she used to come to classes with her lessons unprepared, not because she couldn't do them, but simply because she had forgotten all about them. As a result, she was forced to leave school at an early age, and go into busi- ness. She chose to be a stenographer, but because she con- tinually forgot to mail important letters, she was fired. Her next position was with the Western Union, but when she got the dots mixed up with the dashes, her employer de- cided that she was incompetent. Not to be outdone, she ob- tained a job with the New York Stock Exchange. How- ever, her fate was no better here than in former employ- ments, and she lost the position because of her peculiar and regular habit of quoting the wrong price for the wrong stock at the wrong time . . . resulting in some considerable chaos and loss of profit to her employer. She just couldn't seem to catch on to things quickly; and once she had caught on to them, she misinterpreted their meanings. Rarely did she understand what she was supposed to do, and when she finally comprehended, she infallibly did it in the wrong way. There seemed to be no hope for her future — until she came to Williamstown. Here the tide turned ! Failure turned to success, and her hopes and dreams of a permanent position came true. She became a telephone operator in the Williamstown Exchange. — IFUlianis Fiirfili' C.oiv. HITCH HIKE HOAX Frank, Paul, Eddie, Frank, Bill, Louie, and Frank were gathered together in the back room. (Tom's room). Arthur was idly turning the pages of the dictionary, while Larry. Mike, and Buck lay on the floor in alternate attitudes of slough and despond. Pete had his feet on a desk. So had Jeff. Joe, slightly boiled, wandered in from the outer reaches of the hall, fell on the waste basket and began to pick his teeth. "Well, well, well," said Arthur, in the matter-of-fact tone often used by the Rover boys and others. 'Here is the word miff and what it means is tiff. How's that? And over here is fornix. What do you say that is?" "It has a familiar sound," muttered Joe from the depths of a toothpick, "but I can't place it right now." "Well," said Arthur, pleased at this show of intellectual curiosity, "it means a lamella, composed of white fibres be- neath the corpus calossum. It is also an arch. "Change the subject, let's talk about sex," said Squiffy from the corner. "All right," answered Arthur, "here's major." "You major bed now sleep in it," shouted Joe with a whoop, and he began to laugh heartily. Tiring of laughing alone he fished a police whistle from his vest pocket and began to offer a few imitations of Elizabethan bird-calls in his best police-whistle manner. After being cut about the head and shoulders with flying missiles, and sustaining other bruises and injuries, Joe brought his piece to a close and put the police-whistle back in his pocket. "And here's hat/t/adah," began Arthur with a tri- umphant look at Joe, who was carving a chair leg. "A healthy hen should lay a haggadah," said Jake ex- ultantly just as he was leaving the room. Arthur looked a bit dismayed but continued to peruse his book. "Let's talk about something else, say, sex for instance," suggested Squiffy from another corner. "Here's a tricky word that means the Hero of Baby- lonia. His name was Gilgamesh." "Gilgamesh, now lie in it," said Joe who was getting tighter all the time. He was reading "Over the Hill" (third part of six) from the Saturday Evening Post. "And here is a new word," went on Arthur. "It means privacy, secrecy, or clandestine, and comes from the Scotch. The word is hugycr-mugger." "Hugger-mugger like she huggered you back in your cradle days," sang Luke out of a deep sleep, and everyone joined in on the last part of the chorus. Arthur was on the verge of tears but he kept on. "All right, you're so smart, take on laredaemoniaii if you dare." Freshman Number 23 "Lncedacmonian. now lie in it," came Joe's happy voice from the closet, where he was making a few major altera- tions in Arthur's new suit. "Clippers just in the back, please, and a bit oflf the top," he called out, as an afterthought. Arthur was a near wreck but he tried once more. "Here's a word you bums will choke on, smaragdite." "We'd better talk about something nice and clean, like sex," said Squiffy. — Michigan Gargoyle. SLINKY SAL I'm Slinky Sal The Athlete's pal. I'm an authority On dietetics And cosmetics, And clothes from gay Paree. I'm in a house, And on my blouse I wear my house's pin. So none defame My honest name With tales of gin and sin. I wouldn't drink. Only I think One sips to be polite . . . I wouldn't neck, But then by heck, One can't put up a fight. And so you know I always go Out on my reputation, As being nice And free from vice, . . . But still I'm a temptation. — Califorri Pelican. I'd like to be a skunk The yarns of his temper are bunk But get in his way And tease him some day Others have tried it — how they regretted their temerity — Michigan Gargoyle. Old lady (to street-car niotorman ) : "Please, Mr. Motorman, will I get a shock if I step on the track?" Motorman: "No lady. Not unless you put your other foot on the trolley wire." — Williams Purple Coiv. NOW EVERY MAN CAN SMOKE A PIPE KAYWOODIE mellows your s moke. . . no other pipe does it Completely different from any other pipe, past or present. New alloy now removes harsh "biting" properties from smoke. Am- plifies the true tobacco flavor. Years work in our own laboratory and tests by a great University made possible the way to mellow smoke. This secret- our sole property — can- not be duplicated. Be- ware of imitations, all genuine pipes stamped "Drinkless." Smooth ^3.50, Thorn ^4. (Above, No. 33, Smooth) Sec how if ivorks New. exclusive alloy Pure dry smoke- radio ws- removes hirsh:''bite," "amptifirii" Uavot cnicts here. All ihe nuc iubjao rajfc And for cigarette smokers : AW Tobacco Yello holder S93I, Kaufmann Bros. & Bondy, Inc., Empire State Building, New York City 24 The SIREN R-k-O VIRGINIA Sunilaj. Monday, i'ufsilaj, Wcdiu-sday, Sept. II'.W Elmer Price's Pulitzer Prize Play "STREET SCENE" With Sylvia Sidm-y, Kstt-lle Taylor, William ( ollirr. .Ir. Till KSDAV. 1-KII>AY. SATl KDAV, (KTOIUOK 1. l. :i "EAST OF BORNEO" Rose Hobart, Charles Bickford The most exotic, roinaiitic, love drama filmed ORPHEUM TIESI)A\, WI;I>M;sI»\V, TIU IJSKAV, IHIDAV September '.'!), :iO, Oetoher 1, 3 ■lOlIN (ill.liKHT in "THE PHANTOM OE PARIS" With this brilliant east: Leila Hyams — Lewis Stone — Ernest Torrence and Jean Hersholt SATIUDAV. SINDAY, MONDAY, OCTOBER :i, 4, 5 " THE BRAT" \Mth Sally O'Neill, Frank Albertson, Wm. Collier, Sr., June Collyer. In a breakneeU eomedy with laiiKhs popping all over the place OUR MOTTO "First of All — Dependability" Carl W. Mouch "SAY MOWK" "Quality Jeweler" Diamonds, Watches, and Jewelry First class watch and jewelery repairing 110 North Neil Street Champaign, 111. RUSH WEEK BLUES (To be released in February) . . . \V\- just must f{ct that }iirl. Isn't she (hirliiifj;? Well I don't like the way she does iier hair on the left side. That doesn't matter; we have got to get her. You don't know what a pull she would give us in Grapeville. I just know we aren't going to get a one. If \vv don't get some cute pledges, I'm going to stop school. I want that girl from Belton; I want her. (Here it was Lucile's voice that broke. Shrieks, gasps, and wild laughter!) I know this is silly for me to act this way but I just can't help it. Oh I do want that girl from Belton. She is such a peach. Lucile, did you see that girl that sat by Dorothy? Wasn't she good-looking? A regular knock-out. and they tell me she has over fifty thousand in her own name. Don't give a damn ; she's not the type ; she's not our kind. Yes, and she's got a Kappa sister, and I'm sure she'll go Kappa. Nellie Glenn certain- ly is getting a good rush, three others; but you know 1 think she'll bump all of 'em for us. Ssssss, she's a nut if I ever saw one and awfully wild. Kitty, kitty, kitty! You know I don't mean it that way, but she isn't the type even if she does get the men. Her people are the loveliest in Cedarhill. Say wasn't it choice the way she kissed us when she left last night? Those Alphas who were standing in the doorway sure looked sick. (Then from the sofa Lucile screams anew.) I want that girl from Belton; I'm crazy about her. She's our kind. We've absolutely got to get her. It'll be the mistake of her life if she goes Phi Phi. I know; I'll get Buddy to put in some good moments. He could persuade our ribbons to grow on 'er with that line of his- - I've experienced more subtle ones, but never a line like that boy's got. For Gawd's sake, phone 'im then, Linda. (Sh^ picked up the receiver.) Well, if it's come to this, I'll have to break down and tell ya, Lucile; I'm going to throw in the wrench; I jus' can't see her; I'll ball her! (And Babe did) ). . . . — Texas Lrjnghorn. "Get out," said the landlady, "and don't you date darken my bathtub again." — Cornell College Ollapod. Mamma's Buoy Freshman Number 25 A Study of the Influence of Term Papers on Letter Writing Tuesday. Dear Mary Belle: I have just finished the hottest book (1) — you simply must get it for it tells everything. My dear Aunt Susie (2) found me reading it and was quite horrified. I'm so thrilled — Ned just called up and asked me to the Prom (3). Did you hear that Jack said, "Alice is the best looking girl in this school" (4). Sorry, but I must stop, I'm writing this in the Honors Room (3). As ever. Dodo. (!) "True Confessions" by Lizzie Love. Publishers — Trashy Stories, Inc. New York. 1931. Vol. I — p. 53-67. (2) Footnote — Susie Wentivorth, aged 54, relic of Samuel Wentworth. She is regarded as Mid-Victorian and the bane of her long suffering relations. She has a tendency to mind everyone's business but her own. (3) Footnote — Prom, an annual event for which long gloves and a man are necessary. (4) "Women I Have Knoiin" by Jack , a speech delivered extemporaneously in the Main Corridor, Edmund Hayes Hall, January 19 — 3:06 o'clock. (5) Footnote — Honors Room — a room designated by the Powers That Be as a place for study but used mainly as a place to air one's knowledge and to waste time and Papa's hard earned money. — Buffalo Bison. SORORITY PSALM \. The Style is my Master; I shall not stray from it. 2. It maketh me sit in uncomfortable positions; it leadeth me to make my hair grow. 3. Thou prepareth a table before me from which I may not eat lest I ruin my figure; thou aiiointcth my lips with rouge; my skirt slippeth downward. 4. Lo, the Master hath decreed the burning weed; m\ breath is foul ; my tongue is scorched. 5. It maketh me vent scorn upon males of little or no fraternity; it keepeth me from being seen with them; so it maintaineth my rating. 6. Thou conformeth me to a single standard so I may be like unto my sisteni ; thou keepeth me from indulging in things my sistern do not; thou maketh me deadly con- ventional and lacking in enterprise and originality. 7. Yea, I shall ever be of care that I smirch not the good name of my house; though I put away my produce at times thou wilt make me take great care not to be caught. 8. Surely discomfort and torture shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of STYLE forever. — Northivcstern Purple Parrot. WHEN you DANCE You want melodious and rythmic tunes You will always find them furnished by leading orchestras at NEW COLLEGE HALL CnminS Soon: TED FIORITO JAN GARBER HERBIE K.\Y EARL BURTNETT COTTON PICKERS DAN RUSSO TWEET HOGAN 26 The SIREN RIALTO J.V THEATRE Vi^ Now Thru Saturday, October 3 THE CHAMPIONSHIP COMEDY OF 1931 THE FOUR MARX BROTHERS "MONKEY-BUSINESS" Starting Sunday, October 4 ANOTHER BK; HIT "THE STAR WITNESS" With "CHIC" SALE WALTER HUSTON IT MIGHT HAPPEN TO YOU The Way of a Woman Freshman ^ enr. College is ivonderful. Everything is just as I dreamed it would be. I am pledged to Gamma Gamma and I think it is the best sorority on the campus; the girls are unusually sweet to me. The men 1 have met are interesting, all except a large blond fellow who laughs during math. lecture because I never understand the problems. He's terribly annoying; I know I shall never like him. Everyone calls him Bill, — this is, everyone except me. I call him William because he hates it so. Sophomore Year. Back to the old grind. I was glad to see the crowd again but I do wish Madge wouldn't borrow my stockings, and why does Betty persist in wearing a red hat ? Freshmen amuse me: they do enjoy life. I must be nicer to them, for the sake of dear old Gamma Gamma. William is again in one of my classes. Could anything be more distasteful? We fight all the time; he doesn't ap- prove of the men I date. My affairs, I told him, do not concern him in any way. Junion Year. Things have been very successful this year. I received four bids to the Prom, and that averages two more than any other girl received at the Gamma house. I went with William, not because I wanted to, but because someone must keep him out of trouble and (as he suggested) it might just as well be me. We had several quarrels during the course of the evening. I discovered William is a marvelous dancer — but still a very disagreeable person. Senior Year I can't realize that these few months are the last I shall ever know of college life. I am going to miss it all so much : classes, friends, the sorority. William said since he had scolded me during the past few years, didn't I think it would be a good idea if he con- tinued to do so, and he said, too, that I'm the kind of a woman who needs the kind of a man like him. For the first time, we agree. William is a remarkable fellow. I al- ways knew it, even if it did take me four years to realize that I love him! — Carnegie Tech. Puppet. SKQUMP, THE BAFFLER The authorities were bafHed. Not that the authorities aren't usually baffled, but this was a particular baffle. The baffler was Skqump. Skqump had been brought up from earliest childhood to be a baffler. He also liked olives. When Skqump was a child and visiting Aunt Agatha, she asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. Did Skqump say, childlike, that he wanted to be a fireman ? No. Did Skqump say that he wanted to be an airedale? Also no. He wanted to be a baffler. And he was a baffler. Murders had occurred in the past month with increas- ing frequency. The wave-length wasn't so long, but the frequency was increasing. (^nly yoinig and gorgeous women were the victims of the ripper. The only dis- tinguishing features of the murders was the finding of olive pits in the ears of the dead women. (What! You think you have solved our mystery from the clue in the first paragraph? Don't you know that every author, like Edgar Wallace, leaves false clues about? Well, we didn't. But you have solved our mystery and the killer is our own Skqump.) Mind you, good people, a murderer who stuffs the ears of his victims with olive pits, (jhasth! The police were quick on the trail of the olive pits. They followed the long winding trail over four continents and were just venturing into Australia to sell Fuller Brushes when the trail van- ished. Disappeared. Absolutely and completely gone. Great was the chagrin of the police. The terrifying murders continued, but no more olive pits were found. Only smudges of olive oil were found, smeared over the ears of the deceased women. Even to this day the police are still baffled. But we have solved this great mystery through the use of logarithms and Castoria What is the solution? you ask. What, echo the police, is the solution? As we were about to explain the solution is three parts Castoria (shake well before using) and part logarithms. Or, in simpler terms, we confess. Skqump now eats stuffed olives. — Pcnn. Punch Bowl. Freshman Number Murphy: Ls this suit all wool? Clerk: Certainly, sir, feel how uiicoinfortable it is. — Arizona Kitt\-Kat. If the principal parts of swim are swim, swam, swum, would the prin- cipal parts of dim be dim, damn, dumb? I wonder. — Cornell (Jollcge Ollapod. "Whenever I drink coffee, I al- ways get the spoon in my eye." "Why, you uncouth ape! Don'': you know enough to put it in your saucer?" "Sure, that's just the trouble." — Mlihiynn Gargoyle. DEFINITION A co-ed is a girl who can stand under the mistletoe and never get a thrill. — Alabama Raniincr-J aiiiiner. MAN Ah, Mighty Man, With classy brain, And still he's not so much. The smaller fry Must think him vain. And sneer at him and such. The deer has fawns. The frog tadpoles, The squids have little squids. It seems they all Have better goals. But all man has is kids. — Californinn Pelican. The weighing machine was out of order. A fat lady clambered on and inserted a penny. An inebriated gentleman standing in the vicinity saw the scale register 75 pounds. "My Gawd," he whispered, "she's hollow!" — Dartmouth Jack-o'-Lantern. SCOTCH TELEGRAM Bruce's hurt. Erased afford. Erect it. Analysis hurt too. Infectious dead. — Minnesota Ski-U-Mah. A New Yorker received this tele- gram from San Francisco : "Regret to inform you of your mother-in-law's death. Shall wc cm balm, cremate, or inter? " He wired back: 'Take no chances. Embalm, cre- mate and inter." — Harvard La/npoon. They laughed when I said that I could crack a joke, but they stopped when I cracked it. —Penn. Punch BoivL Sinclair Lewis showed an audienct in a recent lecture how to w-rite a great American novel. We hope they will do as much for him some day. — Harvard Lampoon. "Why do you find that insani- asylum so attractive?" "I don't know, but I think it's the nuts." — Harvard Lampoon. "Have a drink of this, darling," said Catherine de Medici; "I made it myself." — Harvard Lampoon... Neighbors are people wlio live in the same apartment and hope the party gets noisy enough for them to come around to make a complaint and get asked in. — Arizona Kittv-Kat. Customer: "I don't like the flies in here." Waiter: "Sorry, sir, there'll he some new ones in tomorrow. — Pcnn. State Froth. Say, I've got an original joke. Where did you get it from?" — Dartmouth Jack-o'-Lantern. And as the gold-digger said when her sugar daddy handed her a couple of thousand dollar bills, "Ain't that just two grand!" — Ohio Sun Dial. Ovu- idea of the height of some- thing — ham at the Phi Bete banquet. — Cornell Jf'idoiv. WHAT PLATE GLASS WIlNDOWS ARE USED FOR 1. To look through. 2. To wash. 3. To break. 4. To see if your slip shows. 5. To pay for in installments. — California Wampus. The onh' tiling harder than a diamond is paying for it. — White Mule. Rev. Good (at baptism) : His name, please? Mother: Algernon Phillip Per- cival Reginald Mortimer Duck- worth. Rev. (to his assistant) : A little more water, please. — Pennsylvania Punch Bozvl. "It" is the heart of "Politics." 28 The SIREN Jane I'diintz. who, because ot prowess at swimming, art work, and cutting monkey shines (they tell nie that she slid down the bannister of the grand staircase out at the library one night), has gotten more publicity during the one short year she was a freshman than the average big shot senior ever achieves, now busts out twice in College Humor this month. If you don't know the girl, just look for the swellest case of sunburn you've ever seen, and dollars to doughnuts it will be Jane. Harold Bowen will be the art editor of the Siren this year. The boy is good, as you probably know if you noticed any of the little names down in the corners of last year's covers. He comes from Cerro Gordo. Tirl dricscnaiicr is one of the thousands to come to this institution of labor and learning from Oak Park. Once upon a time he was known to the public of our con- temporary, the Campus Scout, as that dizzy blonde, but he is hanging his hat ill the Siren office now. Another luminary of the Scout in other years, George McDcvitt, has done a ballad for us in the Roberf Service style for which he is famous. For those ancients who can remem- ber back that far, he wrote under the name of the Friar. George comes from loway, and probably knows that song as well as you do. Marion Irrmann has been work- ing for the Siren for years now, and if she can't write movie reviews to suit even Mister Balaban and Katz there isn't anyone who can. She lives in Chicago — howja guess it? Nita Rarney, the other of those red-headed Ramey girls, is the A. D. Pi on the staff this year — there has been at least one for years and years. Last year Joyce Newbill did the honors. Nita will be the woman's editor. Hot Springs, Arkansas, has do- nated Bcrnic Moretsky to the Daily mini, and Ralph Milliner to us. The casting of any bread upon the waters in that direction slips my mind, but I must have. The Illinois Agriculturist will gain what the Siren loses //; the person of Harve Kring, its newly appointed editor. Harve is an AKL, Ag student, and was a runner-up in the race for the sports editorship of the mini last spring. He is another of the boys who consistently hit the ball. The extent of a girl's knowledge does not concern most men very much. What bothers them is how she learned it. To be or not to be, that is the in- finitive. "For heaven's sake!" said the old Scotchman as he dropped his penny into the collection box. He: "What number is this, please?" She: "You ought to know, you called it." She: "Why the black stripes on the tie?" He: "Oh, business is dead, busi- ness is dead !" There must be something in a name. Both Earl Carroll and Prince Carol fall for the same sort of women. THE FRATERNITY MAN (A History in Two Scenes) Scene I Aged 12 years. Can't go out to play — must take care of baby. Seene II Ten years later. Flunks exams — same reason. — Purple Parrot. "What has four legs, is dead, and can jump as high as a tree?" "Well, what?" "A dead dog." "But what about the JLimping?" "A tree can't jump, either!" — Williams Purple Cow. Her dad: "Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?" Her man: "Why certainly!" Her dad: "That's sufficient! I don't want any idiots in the family!" — Washington U. Dirge. "Officer," said a 300-pound lady "could you see me across the street?" "Madam, I could see you three blocks away." — Lehigh Burr. "Hello, is this the City Bridge Department ?" "Yes, what do you want?" "How many points do you get for a little slam? — Carnegie Tech. Puppet. An Englishman on a visit to tlie West decided to go horseback riding. The hostler who was to attend him asked : "Do you prefer an English saddle or a western?" "What's the difference?" he asked. "The western saddle has a horn," replied the attendant. "I don't think I'll neeii the horn," said the Englishman. "I don't in tend to ride in heavy traffic." — ITiUinrin Purple Coic. Freshman Number 29 Get Started Correctly Secure all your books and supplies now. Get each day's work regularly and give yourself a chance at good grades and campus activities. We can supply you with all you need THE CO-OP On the Square On the Square (Continued from Page 7 ) in the library for weeks and that is one place a student is never found. Being a student, I am never found in the library. Merely the rules. Syllogism. Internationalism registers its mark on every campus. Here at ours we find it on every hand. One prom- inent young woman in New York society was being shown our campus one Sunday afternoon and she re- marked that it resembled some great lawn she had once seen near Venice. That was probably because it was raining on this particular Sunday afternoon and it had been raining for five days consecutively. That young woman died here recently, and her will was written in Greek. Her sister-in-law now owns a restaurant. Well, there is something to that! But I know when there has been enough said. That was about at the beginning of the story in this case, so I shall trouble you no further, but just wait! I'll get back at you later when I write some more ! More ? (You groan). Yes, MORE! But that's just like some people I know. They smoke a cigarette just as long as they can before throwing it away. Now me, I'm different. I smoke a cigarette just as short as I can. Which reminds me of . MOST EMPHATICALLY THE END. Freshman : You know last year the doctor told me that if I didn't stop smoking I'd be feebleminded. Sophomore: Why didn't you stop? — Beanpot. There Are Such Animals "My dear, you surely haven't spent all afternoon at the Tri- Delts?" "Yes, auntie. They said such things about everyone who left that I didn't dare come away." - — Alabama Rammer- Jammer. AFTER GLASS "And just tell me truthfully, Pro- fessor Green," she said, "apple polishing doesn't go over at all, now does it?" "Well, just tell me truthfully, Miss Smythe, what do you think about it?" "I think," she said simply, "I think that professors are too intelli- gent to fall for that sort of thing." "Well — he-he — I hope they are," he said, adjusting his tie. — Californian Pelican. Fourth for Bridge! Okay! That's great! Now all we need's third. — Dartmouth Jack-o'-Lantern. "Now to get down to work," said the pent-house dweller. — Dartmouth Jack-o'-Lantcrn. 30 The SIREN LUNATIC'S I.ULLARY Once upon a time, 'twas in the land of slime, I took a happy walk with a porcupine. The bugs were there, eating alligator pears. And the Thetas were out on their fifty-fourth tear. "Two-thirty," lie crieil, as he fell with a thud, And the gold-fishes climbed underneath the rug. "There'll be no stew in this house tonight," And the Pi Phi went out for another pint. The left-handed pillow turned white as a sheet, And a holler went out from a fifty-cent seat. "There's a light on our starboard," the captain cried. But the Chi O just giggled — she was so pie-eyed. The calendar jumped and turned round so fast; September kicked April right square in the rear. The rails came along and the train jumped loose, For the D. Cj.'s were smoking back in the caboose. 'Round and 'round the canary swam; Who knows where, who gives a damn. Spit's a horrid word but it's worse in the eye. Don't shoot, I'll marry that poor Alpha Chi. The hands in the clock took time out for lunch, As the banana hollered "I'm through with this bunch." If you see any sense in this mad repartee \'ou belong to the Tri-Delt sorority. — Northivestern Purple Parrot. Did you hear of the Frosh who walked through the new art museum and stopping in front of a mirror, exclaimed, "It must be a Rembrandt. — Ou-l. S Generous host: Have a drink? Guest (slightly under the weather): No, have you? — Cornell Widow. THE RRIEF-GASE BOY Be gentle with the brief-case boy. He isn't trying to annoy. And if he gripes you in your classes, Deny that impulse! Leave his glasses Just where they are. Don't shove his nose in, Perhaps he isn't really posin'. The brief-case boys aren't snappy dressers, But oh! how they impress professors! The rounded shoulders, turned-in toes, The spectacles on tip of nose. The front row seats, the earnest faces. The little hand-raised eager races To be the first in recitation. Of any professorial wit — Immediate appreciation (If it's a joke, they just intuit The point, nor look as if they knew it In cradle days) . . . their looks sardonic When other students seem moronic . . . These things are only symptomatic Of natures just a bit erratic. Their lack of interest in the sexes Just goes to show they have complexes. And those obnoxious mannerisms Are just defensive mechanisms . . . Be gentle with the brief-case boy, He isn't trying to annoy, Don't show your gripe or you may rue it. And if by chance he seems to do it. Perhaps in your fifth year or so. He'll read a course you take, you know. — California Pelican. Nurse: Mr. Jones, you are the father of quadruplets. Jones : What ! One of them things that runs around on four legs ? — Buffalo Bison. WHITE LINE LAUNDRY HOME OF KAPTAIN KLEAN Freshman Number Things That Scorch Lis Scarlet Guys who get their photographs snapped with a pipe in their hand and their collar open. Mugs who try to imitate Amos and Andy. The wits who can't forget Animal Crackers. Editorials by collegiates opposed to necking — niuggin- if you must. Editorials by collegiates not opposed to huddling. Editorials by collegiates. Cheer leaders who take themselves seriously. Alecks who crack about Rudy Vallee. Clucks who bellow, "Oh, yeah?" Alecks who don't crack about Rudy Vallee. Crutches who answer, "Yeah!" Smarties who twirp about Brinkley and his goats. Notrie Damn and the "Fightin' Irish." Femmes who have to have their jokes blueprinted. Guys who salt their poker chips away in their vest pocket. Smacks who open on suspicion. Crocks who make smot creeks about Austins. Hypocrites who really have the sorority at heart. Guys who end this sort of stuff with a slam about this sort of stuff. — Kansas Sour Owl. WHEN it comes to deliciousness and food value, Planters Pea- nuts win— hands down. The familiar glassino bag of Planters Peanuts contains more calories than a beef steak cost- ing 60c at most restau- rants. And Planters cost only 5c I They are "The Nickel Lunch." Planters Nut 2? Chocolate Co. U.S.A. and Canada Sure winner^ Planters — Salted Pean uts— Student (at masquerade) : Do you think I can pass for an Indian chief? Prof: Sir, I wouldn't pass you if you gave me a whole tribe. — Cornell Widow. Ever since initiation, Willie has been a member of the standing committee. — Ohio Sun Dial. DEFINITION Love is like hash — you have to have plenty of confidence in it to enjoy it. — Alabama Ratmner-Jammer. Our idea of true justice is when a stenographer spits some gum out of a forty-eight-story window and steps on it when she goes out. — Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. TALK RlJStos WITH PICTURES D esians Lie h in as Colorplalcs Photo -EndraVin as f^ur poses G.R.GRUBB g CO. lis CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS. jm 32 The SIREN CO-EDS! Soon She'll Be Calling Amoebas By Their First Names Maybe, but she also keeps on speaking terms with the other animals on the campus. Classrooms may teem with stern professors earnestly intent upon taking life seriously, but the Greek gods and goddesses of the campus demand a touch of gayety in their education. Something young, vivid, sparkling and exuberant. Dick Hyland's Diary oF a Football Player is one of the literary surprises of the season. Leonora Baccante's Can't We Be Friends? is another. Every co-ed will want to read new things by Katharine Brush, O. O. Mclntyre, Margaret Banning, Ach- med Abdullah and Noel Coward — to mention but a few. SPECIAL TO COLLEGIANS 9 Months (the school year) for $2.00 -A COLLEGE HUMOR S^ 1050 N. La Salle St., Chicago N# I've sold my Greek pony and am using another fellow's. Here's the $2 for nine issues of COLLEGE HUMOR. IT Name Address City State. TRAGEDY Our heart goes out to the man who jdineil the navy to see the world and then spent four years in a sub- marine. — Ahihtima Raiiuner-Jaiiunir. "I'd like to buy a pair of garters. "Single or double grip?" "Doesn't matter. I want to make a sling shot!" — Pitt Panther. You can lead a horse to Vassar. but you can't make her think. — Yale Record. People live who scorn the AUK Because he couldn't sing or talk. But I have just one wish consummate I woidd to God he were my room- inate. — Michigan Gargoyle. At gay parties in the days of old it was only the bravest who dared to say, "Joust once more!" — Harvard Lampoon. Sunday school teacher: "What is it we always think of on Christmas Eve?" Small boy: "The old man dump- ing the Christmas tree over and burning the house down." — Ohio Sun Dial. They are making a college movie of Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter, call- ing it "How Hester Won Her A." — Arizina Kitty-Kat. Helen Morgan: "They laughed when I sat down at the piano — ." — Minnesota Ski-U-Mah. 31=3e3«=3= u' n^ ^ *f ir 1^ a^i =iM- Clothes and Accessories in the True University Manner you BE THE JUDGE » » Well even Furnish you a bench to sit on In presenting this case we will proceed in the usual manner and offer character witnesses. Please notice the young men who shop at Rosen's for we are justly proud of the company our clothing keeps. Then let us show you our wonderful selection of smart togs for men. » » » and what attractive prices CAMPUS 623 Green -^IKff^ ROSEN'S I \"MEN'S S lYLISTS" Champaisn DOWNTOWN 23 Main -.»pr. ^ Tr. .y rJT '.ir^-y ji: ^ .^ ,,• X^ J^i^ llf Jl* Of course CvAMels are milder THEY'RE FrESH! Have you noticed how men and women everywhere are switching to the fresh mild- ness of Camels ? Always a great favorite, this famous blend is more popular now than ever, since the introduction ofthc new Humidor Pack. If you need to be convinced, make this simple test yourself between a humidor fresh Camel and any other cigarette: First, inhale the cool fragrant smoke of a perfectly conditioned Camel and note how easy it is to the throat. Next, inhale the hot, brackish smoke of a parched dry cigarette and feel that sharp stinging sensation on the membrane. The air-sealed Humidor Pack keeps all the rare flavor and aroma in and prevents the precious natural tobacco moisture from drying out. Important too, it protects the cigarette from dust and germs. Switch to Camel freshness and mildness for one whole day, then leave them — if you can. ©1931, R. J. Ri->nol.l. Tobarro Company, ^ iiislon-Salfm, N. C. ^^Daii't remove the moisture-proof Cellophane from ^^ your package of Camels after you open it. The Humitlor Pack is protection against dust and germs. Even in offices and homes, in the dry atmosphere of artificial heat, the Humidor Pack delivers fresh Camels and keeps them right until the last one has been smoked Camels Mild . . ><» CIUAKETTV AFTEK>T.%STE / M ^^^ h. -J 11 \l 11 1« ^^^7/ ^0 ^// ?^/ Jf) '%r ^Hi AOl/OAY //J/^i>ER i( They keep tasting better and better to me!'' NO matter how many you smoke! It's a fact. The last Chesterfield of the day is just as mild and sweet— as cool and comfortable — as the first. Every Chest- erfield is like every other Chesterfield! The tobaccos themselves give the answer. Only mild, ripe, sweet tobaccos —the smoothest and ripest grown — go into Chesterfield. And the paper— notice how fine and white it is. It's the purest that money can buy ! Burns without taste or odor. All this care — to make Chesterfields taste better and milder. And they do! The millions of Chesterfiekl smokers- men and women both — say it in their own way: "They Satisfy!" © 1931. Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. Holiday Number Let's go — Everybody ! A Good Time for All Jack COURTRIGHT And His 11-Piece Band Music As You Like It NOVELTY DANCES EVERY DANCE NITE SPECIAL NUMBERS BY REQUEST EVERY Friday and Saturday 9:00-12:00 P. M. ,„ $1 .00 Admission Per Couple 1 COLLEGE HALL AFTER THE DANCE COME TO COLLEGE INN The best meals on the campus at reasonable prices downstairs The SIREN Ten Tips on Decorating Christmas Trees 1. 15c sure aiul get a tree that is too laitic tor tin- looiii. Notliiiii; starts oft" the ceremony ri^ht h'ke clioppiufi oft part ot tile tree and probably part of your finger with it. 1. Follow all of the bystanders' advice on placing the tree in difterent parts of the room. In the course of this drajjginu; of the tree around the room, break a few valuable vases and smash a lamp or two. 3. After placing the tree forget where the ornaments are and start a two hour search for them. Hreak a few of them in getting them out of the attic and put yourself in hea\ \ with the family since all of the stores are closed. 4. Short circuit the lights v\hen you are putting them on the tree, and blow all of the fuses in the house forcing the family to be in the dark for a half hour. 5. Make so much noise that all of the kiddies awaken and nearly discover you in the act. (uiii and say that they scared Santa away and use up another half hour trying to get them to bed. (). (jet the tree all decorated before you find that you left the big star oft the top. 7. Tr\- to stand on a box placed on a chair and while K'aning away over try and put the star on the tree. S. Fall over into the corner on top of the tree and smash everything after two hours of hard labor in getting it decorated. 'I. After everyone has gone to bed in digust and left you in the ruins of the wrecked tree, start all over again. 10. Ciet to bed at 6 A. M. to be awakened ten minutes later by the kiddies, to see what Santa did! — Ohio Sun Dial. Father: "Why were you out so late last night?" Tech: "After the dance Mary wanted some popcorn, and we had to drive all over town to find any." Pop (excuse it, please) : "And I suppose you used the hairpins I found to pick your teeth." — 71/. /. T. loo Doo. RECOMMENDATION 1 oid\' laughed When they said you were bad, I didn't care what Reputation you had. I scorned the ones Who said that you Didn't believe In being true. That didn't matter ; You were fine that far. Hut why didn't they say How stupid you are? — Pen/! St/itf Froth. AND AFTER ALL A young lady was seated in a Pullman train on her way to Providence. She opened her bag and took therefrom a cigarette. Just as she was about to light it, the conductor came along and said, "Sorry lady, but we don't allow smok- ing here. " A few minutes after that a middle-aged gentleman came into the car and sat down in the seat opposite her. He also took out a cigarette. She saw him do it and attracted his attention. "Pardon me," she said pleasantly, better smoke here for you see — " "I don't think you "Lady," he returned, "I wish you to understand that I am a cultured English gentleman of fine family. All my ancestors have been gentlemen before me and always did the right thing at the right time. We always speak perfect English and our manners are of the best. I hope you don't mind if I smoke?" "No. 1 don't mind, but the conductor might." "Aw nuts! To hell with the conductor." — Broun J ug. WHITE LINE LAUNDRY HOME OF KAPTAIN KLEAN Holiday Number The S I R E ^ What Big Ears We Have Paging Lydia Tlu-y have more damn fun over at tin- I'i Plii house. One of the boys called up over there the other night, and asked if he might speak to Lydia I'inkham. The pledge who answered the phone really hasn't been around an awful lot, and so she dutifully went out and looked around for this sister she hadn't met yet. There wasn't any Lydia in the house, so far as she could discover, so she decided that it must be a guest that was wanted. After she had gone all over the house paging Miss Pinkham, one of the sistern took pity on her and told her to tell the man calling that Miss Pinkham was out for the eve- ning, and that she had requested that he call later. Blow Hard! The Delta Zeta house mother was taken in just about as neatly last year. Someone called, and after in- forming her that it was the Illinois Power and Light company calling, asked if she would go out and see if the street light was burning in front of the house. She went out, just like a good little girl, and returned to re- port that it was burning. Then the meanie at the other end of the wire suggested that she try blowing it out. Thetas Again Even the Thetas aren't exempt from the boys who will be boys. The funm'est telephone conversation of the century took place the night someone called there for no good reason. A pledge answered the phone, and was asked very pleasantly if they had any over-night bags there. In the notori- ous Theta manner, she asked him to repeat his request. It was repeated. "Sir," says she, "This is the Theta house" "I know it," floated back over the wire to her just before the click came announcing that he had decided that, having had his fun, it was time to hang up. Hello Harry The I^amda Chi's get playful with their telephone now and then too. Last spring one of the boys fixed up the cutest little note and left it on another man's desk. "Call Harry at 7-2010. Important," it said. So when the brother got home he rushed down to the phone and put through his call — he didn't know who it could be, but that was all the more reason for finding out in a hurry. The conversation went some- thing like this : Voice on phone: "Yes?" Lamda Chi: "May I speak t( Harry?" Voice on phone: "Just a niomen please." New voice on phone: "Yes?" Lamda Chi: "Hello, Harry. 1 got your message asking me to cal you — what was it you wanted?" New voice on phone: "I'm rathe: afraid you have been fooled — this i: Harry Woodburn Chase speaking." Sure, you knew it all the time whc it was, but the point is that th( Lamda Chi didn't. Dates for All It took a genius though, to thinl this one up. One day a couple o years ago the bulletin boards all ovei the campus were plastered with th( advertisements of a new dating agency. These advertisements in formed the public that five hundrec co-eds had filed their picture witl DRUGS PKiHTZ Holiday Number the agency, and that if dateless males would call six hours in advance they would be fixed up with a swell date — for a consideration, of course. The advertisement spoke in glowing terms of the quarters of the agency in a downtown Urbana office building, and gave a telephone number with the request that those interested call for further particulars. A Miss Rennerd was running the thing. You can probably imagine Dean Maria Leonard's consternation at the first dozen or two calls that got tlirough to her because "Miss Ren- nerd" does sound a lot like "Miss Leonard" over the phone — you should have just been around to hear the phone nearly ring off the wall that morning. More Fishies Theme, with variations. Jane Fauntz has a fish story remarkably like Dr. Seibert's classic. Jane was visiting at the home of some nabob some place or another. We say nabob, because he had a swimming pool and a fish pool too, and anyone who can afford that must be a nabob. Any- way, Jane had done her diving for the people and was being entertained. The Judge — he was a judge — insisted on showing her the grounds. When they got to the fish pond he explained all about it to Jane, telling her that there were twenty fish in it. He wound up his tale with — "But damn it, Jane, if they weren't so bashful I'd have two hundred." Nonchalance A timely story has it that one of the freshmen in a house up on the avenue had his folks down to sort of see the house he was living in, being as how he thought it was pretty swell and all of that. The tour of inspec- tion was pretty complete. His mother wanted to see everything about the place, and Aunt Susie was just as bad. Our little freshman friend was just as anxious that they should see everything as they were to see it, and so as a fitting climax to his efforts he ushered them into the shower room. One of the bretheren was in the shower, quite as naked as the day he was born, but did this nonplus our hero? With all of the poise and aplomb in the world he brought his female visitors over and introduced them to the astonished and bewild- ered brother, who rose to the occasion and how-do-you-do'd just as if he had some clothes on. Which one of the pair should get the carload of Alurads, there now, that is the mys- terv. Little Cut-ups It is a rare High School Press As- sociation meeting that doesn't have its funny story. This one happened just as the meeting had got well under way and the visitors were being entertained in the auditorium of the Union building. Some of our boys and girls were cavorting about the lobby, doing their darndest to set a bad example and to get in the hair of one Mr. Allen. It was this group that four trusting high school girls approached asking: "Can you tell us where the Lnion Auditorium is, V, e want to go to the entertainment. " They were introduced with much pomp to a phony madame chairman of the event, and then informed that (here really weren't any seats left on the main floor, but that there were [ilenty in the balcony. If you know \ovn- Union Building as thoroughly as you ought to, you know that there isn't any balcony, and that the steps that look for all the world as if they went up to a balcony go up to the rooms they rent out to help pay the rent. Right in the lobby of his own little L^nion Building, Bob Crathorne went up and impersonated a high school boy so well that the girl who was registering the prep school journalists put his name down in the book. She never would have known if he hadn't gotten a bit kittenish and put answers like "us" in the blank which asks who prints the publication, and "Why, of course" in the one that asked if the paper accepted paid advertising. He claimed he was from Kewanee, but at least six people say that he told the girl he was from Chicago, and was the editor of the Chicago Fire, she'd heard of the Chicago Fire hadn't she? Potpourri And just in case you've been too awfully impressed by them, the Theta pillars are really made of tin — just good old fashioned tin. And they go "Clong" if you happen to bump into them. Another illusion gone glimmering. . . . The Gamma Phis have a girl who plays a xlo— phone, and carries it around in a little suit case or something. Last year it was a bass viol. ... It was Herb Hill who made the famous crack about the Phi Delts not being the only fraternity in town that had crockery in its back yard. Herb has graduated, so it can be told — and the Alpha Phis in the Chi Bete yard can't give him the cheer he so beauti- fully earned. . . . The best simile of the month concerns the Alpha Delt rugs, said rugs being so thick that they look as if lawn mowers should be used on them. . . . The next best one is about an A. K. L. being as pure as God taking a bath. . . . Chalk up a long mark on the wall for Ed Kol- fenbach, one of Mr. Newman Hall's little boys, who was out for football three weeks before the last two games of the sea.son. He got a letter, which ought to prove something or other. . . . Mr. Goldman announced it in class the other day that he thought the Siren was lousy. . . . Sticks and stones may break my bones. . . . One of the rooms over at the Kappa Sidgc house has a big sign on the door VENUS DE MILO ARMS. . . . The Scout never seems to have a con- trib from the famous Burlap sisters, the two bags from Urbana, any more. Maybe they don't know any new filthy jokes — maybe. The SIREN How to Eat on Nothing a Day Monday Lunch — Ask Joe to eat with you — pull the old gag about leaving your money at home when you changed your clothes. Dinner — Drop in on the Dekes about five minutes to six, very hos- pitable boys, the Dekes — "Stay to dinner? Oh, no. I couldn't think of it. If you'll think me rude if I don't, if \ou insist — " Tuesday Lunch — Wait until three o'clock and then order up heavy at Feetle- baum's. Get a fancy babe to sit with you and then develop a man to see, leaving the check, the first time an affluent looking male stops to talk to her. Dinner — Walk a Theta home, and then don't budge until the second dinner bell rings. It works best if you make fluttery motions at leaving. Wednesday Lunch — There are always plenty of Woman's League cookies down at mini office if you know the right people well enough . . . not \ery fill- ing. Dinner — This being free for all night at the fiatne\' clubs, \()u be diplomatic and take your choice. The meals is good at any of them this night. Thursday Lunch — The Rotary club hasn't much chance of knowing whether or not you work for the Illini, now has it? Dinner — Order up plenty on a bill that has at least two other people's dinners on it. When vour turn comes to pa\ , nonch.ilantly present a fixe dollar bill and say, "change this, please. " Ten to one you'll get five dollars worth of cluuige and a re- ceipted bill. Friday Lunch — Apples, fudge, and angel food cake. The laundry bag has ar- rived. Dinner — The rest of the food in the laimdry bag. Additions to this meal are made after nine o'clock when houses having dancing leave eatables on the buffet. Saturday Lunch — Don't get up. Dinner — Salvation army soLip kitchen on Neil street — there are lots of apples on the trees out by the golf course. Sunday Dinner — Thank God, this is an other jest day . . . Sachem steak fry. Steak tough, coffee swell. Supper — Egg sandwiches over a! Joe's apartment. You can get enough milk bottles as you go along the hall to buy the stuff at the grocery store . . . si.\ cents a throw for them. These Work for a While 1. (^lO out and get pneumonia This is good for three weeks in tht hospital. Don't bring this on your- self if you don't like canned peaches 2. Throw rocks through the windows of the Police station. Tht meals here are very regular even ii they aren't so liot. What do yoi want anyway? 3. Marry a town girl. It will be a month before her father break; \our plate, and two months before lie breaks it over your head. 4. Find yourself somebody's mis- understood wife, who is also a swell cook. This is awfully indefinite. The little boy was interested ir raising moths, and .so his mother seni him down to the library to read uf on the subject. He stayed there all afternoon, and when he returned ht was lugging a big book with him His mother picked it up and read tht title — "What Every Mother and Expectant Mother Should Know." S And then the old maid laughed right out; "He! He! He! He!" 'My Gawd, and you a millionaire!' Holiday Number The Depression House Dance Prosperity is just around the corner and all of that, aint it the truth Mr. Hoover, but let's play games and pretend that only three of the banks at home have gone bust, and that father has had a ten per cent cut in his pay, that most of mother's customers are doing their own washing anj'way this year, and that the installment men have taken little brother's red sled back — that's enough to get one into the right mood to start thinking about these inevi- table before holiday house parties. It would be very clever to give a depression dance, just a take-off on the forty or fifty other depression dances, you know. The truth of the matter is that it is dirt cheap to have one — just move all of the second Hoor furniture down to the first, in- cluding the third floor rug, the one with the hole in it right vi'here you always catch your toe in it every time )ou come in the door. The food problem is simple. Plenty of punk beer and sandwiches from yesterday's ham solves it in a jiffy. The music problem looms up pretty large. One way to fix that is to have the hall pretty dark and stretch a rope across so that all of the women will trip on it and break their legs. Wearing hobnail shoes and kicking them in the shins might ilo the trick. If that fails, make the hall dark enough so that they won't want to dance anyway. Now that it is nice and cold out- of-doors, the liquor problem is simpli- fied a bit. That is if you can get the radiator caps off the cars. Then you can always make the swellest apple-jack right out in your own back >ard. Just let some cider get good and hard and then let it freeze. If you paid more attention to your chemistry than to the blonde next to \ou, you'll remember that the alky in it won't freeze. Figures out swell, doesn't it? If you are dumb enough to import a date, you ought to have to worry about where you are going to put her over night. But then you were probably smart enough to be "Pals" with a babe who will let her go sleepy-bye at her house ... if that fails you might get a nice big pack- ing box some place and play house. Don't worry too much about how the place looks, or how terrible the music is — you'll do all of your dancing at another house anyway. That is, if you go at all. The nightie before Christmas The SIREN Editorial Staff an s Editnr Ted Griesenauer Assistant Editor Harold Bowen -irl Editor Jo Smith Exchange Editor Marion Irrmann Theater Editor Hcirothy Quinn, Hal Jewell, J. B. Askin, Jane Faiintz, Mary Jane Fithian, Ralph Milliner, Kay Presberg, Martha Pence, Bettie Haynie, Harvey Kring, Lynn Pierce. J. T. Bnyd, (ienevieve Anderson, Fred Zeiler, Shirley Day, Norma Goedde. Business Staff W. A. Zoeller Advertising Mgr. J. Lyons isst. .Id-v. Mgr. Don Butterfield Ust. Adv. Mgr. J. Symons Circulation Mi/r. K, Skiles Asst. Adv. Mgr. S. T. Sandell Collection M't/r. J. C. Mitchell Copy Mgr. Miriam Van Buskirk, Doris Gundlach, Harriet Mae Wangelin, June Smith, Martha Reynolds. Puljlished monthly by the lUini Publishing Company. University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-OfTice at Urbana. Illinois, bv act of Congress. March 3. 1879. Office of publication. Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price jl.OO the year. Address ; Building. Champaign, Illiriois. Copyright, 1931, by The Siren. Exclusive reprint ■ights granted t.> G)llgtHUmOr magazine. The Editorial We It's just about this time of year that there's a great weeping and gnashing of teeth from fraternity row, what with all the prize pledges washing out. Take the one that Bro. Zoolack (you take him — we don't want him) kept hidden in a corn-crib three miles south, so that no one else could get at him during rush-week — the boys have almost killed Rro. Zoolack for not keeping him there forever to die the life of a fatted hog. What did he do? Nothing besides eating the commissary into a terrible deficit, and then falling lor a little Kappa (of all things!) who made him promise that he'd never play that nasty game of football again. But then, the f raters think he might flunk out — especially if Bro. McCan continues to tutor him in Ec. And then the little lily one of the well known drinking clubs pledged in order to raise the house average — about three nights ago he put half the actives under the table. This was not only a terrible blow to their judgment, but to their pride as well. But then, there's one consolation — some of the legacies didn't turn out as badly as they might have. And it seems that Pledge Bro. McSquirter's old man (good old Howie McSquirter!) acquired a lot of dough after he left the state Uni — and paid up his back bills to Gelvin's (what was on the campus in those days). And the fact that Pledge Bro. Cuttit's pere turned out to be a purveyor of the illicit brew doesn't bother the Heltei Holiday Number Skelter Whoopsilon boys a bit — although it isn't men- tioned at Wednesday night dinners. All in all, the Frat Club boys realize that they're stuck. As badly stuck as they were back in '30, '29, '28 and so on back indefinitely — although that's not spoken of either, even by the alums — for one can't tell who one's next boss will be. Despite this sad and terrible state of mutual hate, love, drinking — and very unmutual singing (how could we tell he had adenoids?) there's no hope. The pledges also realize that they're stuck too. It is such jolly fun to laugh and laugh when something happens to a group that holds itself up as being so infinitely superior to you — and so did we ever laugh when we got hold of the story of the way in which our worthy con- temporaries on the Green Caldron printed a tale in their little magazine which had already had the honor of appear- ing in Harper's or some such magazine under another author's name. We once knew a silly old lady who held her head very high and ignored many of her friends because she knew that every one of them knew her true worth — she walked with her head very high in the air, and was un- fortunate enough to walk right smack into a piece of fresh concrete sidewalk one day. It happened in the most con- gested shopping center of the town, and all of the people who had been contenting themselves with casting about re- marks about silk purses and sow's ears got a chance to relieve themselves of a great big giggle. We wonder if the Mister Johnson who so beautifully suggested last spring that the Siren be dropped in the nearest ash can because of its general literary unworthiness will come around so we can show him some of the little credit lines that we put under the parts of our text that have been printed in another magazine — to say nothing of how we will give him the bird. We won't be mean enough, though, to tell him the little fable about the old frog who tried to blow herself up to the size of a horse, and then went and blew up right in her own face. We'll save that for the next time they get to riding for a fall. They call us Cow College, and you know it as well as we do. Why ? We have heard that in the case of one of our neighbors it is because most of the students there would like very much to go to swankier and costlier Eastern schools and can't afford it — so they console themselves with superior feelings and with making noises about the general inferiority of their contemporaries. We get ourselves \vritten up in the New Yorker in about the same spirit that Mr. Menken mentions people in his little Americana section. All of which goes to show that if we intend to be the smoothies we set ourselves up to be, we'd best be smartening up a bit. We still do the things that they did when Green Street was the Row. We still think that bigger and better are the ultimate in adjectives. We still believe in Homecomings. We still have a dog eat dog fraternity system. We still have contests to elect co-eds as the most popular girl in school so that she may go to a football game. Campus clothes still look out of place on a city street. We still join things for the sheer joy of joining. We still have the majority of the students placed in a position where they must either join a Greek letter house or live in a pretty awful rooming house. We are still uncouth in an unsophisticated way. We have a political system that is notorious over half the country. Our Union has the bigger and better fever to a point where it doesn't feel obligated to function noticeably unless it can do so in a glorious way. Many of our students are from the intellectually starved backwashes of the hinterland and Chicago. We still think that we are the salt of the earth. Maybe we are. We have been almost tearing our hair in our frenzied denunciations of those Greek letter societies known as hon- oraries, but you should just have seen us when we saw by the papers that this campus was graced with a chapter of that very well advertised association, Rho Dammit Rho. Last spring we heard a story concerning the efforts of one BMOC to get into Kappa Bete. It seems that he def- initely spurned Mawanda, but did everything in his powei to tube his way into Kappa Bete. We should have admired him greatly if his refusal of Mawanda had been based upon a genuine belief in the silliness of such an organization — but to refuse it because he felt that he must choose between it and Kappa Bete. Not being a member of that great and noble organization, we have no way of knowing whether or not he ever did make the grade, but we sure hope he did. Being a member and having to pay seventeen dollars for the privilege ought to be punishment enough in itself. The sponsors of Rho Dammit Rho have, with their tongues in their cheeks, created a very noble and a very satirical club. But it is with fear and trembling that we see that there is already a chapter here — and that we see the hints that there are probabh- more on the way. Erriemay Masxay to you dear readers, and we'll prob- ably be seeing you around the town New Year's Eve — if we can rake and scrape enough money to get a table right at Ben Bernie's elbow. We haven't swept under the bed and shook the teapot yet, but we're going to. 10 The SIREN Honoraries — a strange interlude It's just about this time of year that freshman eyes begin to pop with awe, sophomores get sucked in, juniors start politicking, and seniors begin to think of what's going under their name in the lUio — that famous graft book. And what's it all about? Well, do you happen to know anything about fly-fishing? It seems that a favorite trick of the Compleat Angler is to tie a small bunch of ribbons around the fish-book and thus get the curious fish. Thus, by hypothesis, the ribbon gets the sucker. But on cam- pus it's different. Here the sucker gets the ribbon — for every time a fish succumbs to the wily lures of the alert pledge-master a triumph is signalled by sticking a sprig of rib- bon in the victim's lapel, just as the ancient matador would stick a ga\ bandillero into the bull's neck. Hut the suckers still increase — why? As our master's thesis we're working on the problem — and we'll give you the results as far as we are able, in respect to (or in disrespect to) the various tongs now operating on the campus. FLY BAITA CATCHA— a heterogeneous conglomeration of be- spectacled brachycephalic homunculi who see all, hear all, and induce us to believe that they know all. For the nominal sum of 25 fish they are permitted to advertise their intel- ligence to the world by means of a big brass billboard worn on their watch chain. SILVER IGGLE— we used to think the boys belonged to the air corps, but since the abolition of that outfit we know that the little silver boid the boys wear stands for some- thing else. Silver Iggle comes from the Latin or Roman mass battle formation. It is still a mass — be- tween the ears. Just a bunch of boys. PHI ON UPSILON— a home ec. tong. Requirements are to be able to serve twelve people from one head of lettuce ; know the antidotes for all kinds of hangovers — and also know ho\\- to produce them. Six weeks in this tong and the woman is the master of the home. All the members love children. They make nice week-end pets. The Salvation Army reindeer stables Holiday Number SCORCH — The reward of every good female apple-polisher. Object : To get more work out of women toiling in activities. Compensation : half a vard of orange cloth. ADELP-HIC is a literary society, which, according to the old-timers, was quite the thing in the gay '90s. Their membership is limited to those people who can dance, sing, make a speech, or in general to anyone who has the requisite ten skins. If the members can't talk the futures into joining by any other method, they remind them of the beer-party the Adelphians held (and some did not hold) in the Chi Phi smoke house some years ago, and that there will be another as soon as prohibition has been repealed. That gets 'em. TAPPA PIE STIGMA— is al- most as good as Adelp-hic, or as bad, or better, or worse. Anything said for one goes for the other. They too hold sway on the fourth floor of Uni. and believe us, anyone having the ambition to climb all those stairs has a right to be a member — and prob- ablv is. PISTOL AND HOLSTER is a military assassination whose motto is: "We furnish the cannon fodder for the nation." Their badge con- tains five stars, standing for Health, Heart, Hand, Hoof, Horn. With the membership comes a pin suitable to hang on the second choice. PI DELTA HELPUSALONG — a publications sassiety. Their ex- cuse for existence is a patriotic orange and blue pledge ribbon (al- most as nice as the Pifys, as one sweet young thing said), a fee of $17.50, and a swell gold bangle. If you join you have the privilege of belonging to the same club as several faculty members. This honor is usually re- served to members of any tong on the campus. Yes, it's a national, and just like the Dekes, its eastern chap- ters are excellent. POTHOLE POT SWIGMA— the signal corps frat. If they can't boast of anything else they can say that they have more Greek letters in their name than any other club save Row Dammit Row. Their pledge symbol is a hank of haywire worn around the shoulder. It should be worn around the neck and twisted tightly, the end then being neatly draped over the nearest telephone .pole. THREE STAR HENNESSEY — the female pre-med frat. Cousin of the Band of X, three times re- moved. PI LAMBDA PICA— Object: sure bid to Scissor-Cjrinder's. THE NAKED TRUTH— not a movie, but the pet club of the mili- tary engineers. Their motto is, "We explode everything." Also known as the Pie exchange. Their purpose? God only knows, luiless it is to get another kev. The stout and dominating female had kept the immediate section of the train in acute discomfort by her at- tempts to boss both train officials and passengers. Suddenly she discovered she had forgotten her destination, and set off for the conductor. She re- turned soon, looking very dazed. "What's the matter?" someone asked with evident relish. "Why, I asked the conductor where I should get off," replied the bewildered Amazon. "Well?" In a hushed tone she answered, "He told me. " S Any History Instructor: "Whom did Luther side with, the nobles or the common people? " Any Dumkluk: "Luther was dis- gusted with the peasants, so he threw in his lot with the upperclassmen." S This little co-ed likes all jazz music, but she's nerts about the "St. Louis Booze." Ten Commandments for Pledges (1). Borrow your roommate's clothes — it shows her that you like them. (2). Tell them all about your dates — they like to know that you're popular. (3). Tell the members how the Sigma Phi Nothings begged you to pledge — they will appreciate you more. (4). Cut classes — encourage your own individuality. (5). Ask the unpopular mem- bers if they have a date for three weeks from Saturday night — the> like to know that you're interested. If you have a date don't be bashful about telling them so. (6). Ask the members to carry your books for you — it will get you in closer touch with them. (And how ! ) (7). Kick about the food — may- be your influence will do some good. (8). Don't bother about the time when you come in from a date — if it's too late, you can always ring the bell. (9). Don't study — nobody loves a bright girl — and if you do all of these, you will inevitably (10). FLU NK O U T O F SCHOOL— which will be the best thins; in the end. ive ^ards Aroiintl Knd 12 The SIREN An Alphabet of Sororities ApoloKii's to (). Nash Arc tluf for this bit o' hash. The (lamnia Fhi Betas Are really man-hetas. Kappa Alpha Thetas On this campus ratas. To be an Alplia Chi O On houses you must spend do. Alpha Delta Pi's Are now on the ris. Alpha Delta Thetas Aren't strong on datas. To be an A. E. Phi Shed a tear, heave a si. Now come the Alpha Gams: They are not all hams. The A. O. Pi's Are really "gis." Here's to the girls of Alpha Phi : They're really nice girls; si? An Alpha Xi Delt Doesn't need gelt. A Beta Phi Alpha Is not really awfa. Beta Sigma ( )micron Is on West Oregon. Look at any Chi Omega; All are flavored with nutmega. When I see the girls of D. D. D. I laugh; just "he, he, he!" Now we come to Delta (jammas ; They are mamma's little lammas. A Delta Phi Ep Has too much pep. A Delta Zete Is ne'er up late. To be a Kappa Delt You gotta be svelt. To be a Kappa You need a fat lappa. Here's to Kappa Sigma Tau Those girls can neck: hau, haul The Lambda Omegas Are really good eggas. Now we come to P. L. S. Not as well known as the res. Just a Phi Mu, What to do? Here's to the girls of P. O. P. They rate with some, but not with me. Long live the Pifys! Just a flock of gadflys! All little Sigma Alpha Iotas Know about the music notas. Here's to Sigma Delta Tau Motto: "Any man at au' ". Sigma Kappa's next on the list : Poor little girls, can't be mist. Sigma Phi Beta Is quite lata. Theta Phi Alpha gets a look. Not a scorn; just a look. Let us praise the Theta U's; Praise is all we have; no news. At the last are Z. T. A's. Here's the end. To Allah all praise. Holiday Number 13 © f^ 'OOPS!" 14 The SIREN Is Everybody Happy? asks Marv Jane Fithicni AttiT all 1 wonder just what one does get out of college? Professors throw out their arms and scream culture and knowledge. Co-eds gasp and say. "Didn't you know that girls come here to get a man?" Or at least learn how to get one. .Men say that one just attends a university as one grows older and learns to drink. Hesidcs college adds to one's prestige. -Anyhow I came to college partly out of curiosity and a much bigger "partly" because the male and female rulers of my family gave a severe look and said, "Ne.xt year you go to college." Frankly I think the Ivory soap percentage of students are here from the same incentive. Now I will admit that I have met some people who are in college with the idea of learning the things some inhuman and intolerant old duck has written in a book in the driest form possible. As a type this group wears glasses and has no use for the op- posite sex, dances and any other form of amusement to which they have never been exposed. They are here because they want to get ahead in this world, claiming that only through knowledge of the most ponderous form can one achieve suc- cess. Now can you imagine anybody with such a blank personality suc- ceeding? They cram their stupid heads full of theories, they know the correct answer to almost an\- ques- tion, and yet when they start out in business they find the radical soap- box orator who downed the whole regime from dean's offices to petty politicians getting big commission; for their bond sales and whatnot. But (I'm tearing my hair in my ex- citement) they are drudging away in a musty old office doing their darned old sums just right. And they do claim that they are reaching the per- fect because within themselves they know that theirs is the right road and what is more they continue to niaintain the same solution until they die of starvation in some back alley. There is also the group at the other end of human tolerance that gets the normal person's goat. The male Buster Broadwalk and Betty Co-ed. Buster amazes himself at the small amount of studying he can do, and the large amount of dating. He lives from one day to another, bumming cigarettes off all his friends at the end of the month. Betty has a coke date every free hour and ropes Buster in for a movie at night. At the exam times she puts on her most Battering gown and has a conference with her instructor, claiming to be a distant cousin to a classmate of his. One time Buster and Betty slipped up and knew something on a quiz and got A's. However they suc- ceeded in never letting anyone know. After they leave college they marry on nothing and never get anywhere until Uncle Bim dies. Then we have the normal, pardon me, I meant average, group. They do a fair amount of studying, hate all the rules, drink rotten liquor, smoke cigarettes, dance, date and have all the common vices. They attain some sort of success because they learn to meet people and how to get along with them. Five years after thev leave the college they have to be re- minded that they took Freshman rhetoric and that the Pteridophytes are plants and not animals. (Are they?) They give up the idea that there is any sense to remembering date of wars, and other stricth nar- row facts. It is hooey and bosh ! They absorb a sort of general knowl- edge of each subject and spend the rest of their time on their own de- \elopmcnt, unconsciously applying the generalities of their studies. On the outside they appear to be the most irresponsible of creatures but underneath are prepared for any sit- uation. They have an ideal at heart which will not show until the college career is ended because that isn't the thing to do. Ideals ! They put those things away with the red flannels! It is the style to revolt against everything in sight, and yet that very style gives the courage to combat and the aggressiveness that the "cruel, cold world" demands. They are far from being geniuses in this group and just as far from being dumb. This group that are so jazz-mad and so wicked are on the way to a definite goal, which is not perdition. They will snap back to earth as soon as they have been out of college six months, well-equipped and the leisurely four years that were spent "just because" will be gone but not forgotten. The former student will be exactly four years behind his brother who did not attend college and perhaps he has the chance of catching up with him in ten more years. In fact, in twenty years he may even be one hundred dollars a month ahead in salary. The girl has her man and the man his atmosphere. Is everybody happ\ ? ^^vt-f*-* The book of the month Holiday Number 15 The Ail-American Joke As the current trend in collegiate "humor" publications seems to be the interpretation of certain stories or events according to various literary styles, ranging from that of Milt Gross to that copy-reader's night- mare, James Joyce ; it is obvious that as a publication ever alert for the new and curious with which to de- light our numerous readers (seven by the last census, including one small laddie who thought he was getting something to put on his bicycle) we must conform to the fad. Where- fore, ladies, gents, we present the Great American Joke as interpreted by Great American Comics. As two purist would have it: "Who was that lady I saw you with last night?" "That wasn't no lady, that was my wife." As Joe Cook would elocute it : "That wasn't no lady, that was in the winter of '93 which you may remember if you weren't too young at the time I was but then I always did have a good memory and that's as much as you can say of any man as I oft remarked to my good friend, Rringhani (Up) Young, lighting a fresh cigar on a Chrysler (Chrysler Building, to you, suh) which was then located on the corner of a little street which was bathing its feet in the East River at the time, those being the days when a man could bathe his feet and no question asked (or answered either). As Groucho Marx would put it: "That wasn't no lady, but who am I to tell ? Perhaps some day the Great Mystery of Life, the Great Veil, will be rent asunder and who will be able to pay it on time, asunder or any other day of the week?" As Robert Benchley, Donald Ogden Stewart, or Frank Sullivan might put it: "How do you know it was a lady?" As Ogden Nash might whistle it: "I tell you that wasn't no lady. That was only my chamber-mady." As Russ Columbo might sneer it : "That wasn't no lady, that was Bing Crosby." And finally, as the college wit would type it: "That wasn't no lady, that was a Pify, a Kappa, a half-dozen assorted Alpha Gams, and two AKL's who wandered in bv mistake." The Evolution of a Proposition Frosh : Let's go to a show. Soph: Howdja like to take in a coupla house dances? Junior: Come on over to the house. Senior: I got an apartment — They were twins and the only way you could tell them apart was that one resembled the other more than she did herself. The three ages in the development of a game : 1. Croquet. 2. Hockey. 3. Polo. It later developed that the travel- ing salesman was married at the point of death — there was a shotgun behind him. "I Can't Write the Words," jit- tered the Frosh as he handed in an E paper. CHU 'Where's Joe?" 'Oh, he just stepped out for a beer.' 16 The SIREN See the Happy Moron He thinks that All of the college lite movies arc a pretty funny way of telling lies about the way things really are on a campus ; That grades don't mean very much any\vay, and that he never did get a break from the curve system ; That being elected to an honorary is an honor ; That the authorities can't keep a native of the state out of here, but that they just sit around and try to think up ways to throw him out after they have let him in ; That the Dean's office can tell him just what he did last Friday night at eight o'clock if it wants to; That Tiger Rag is a pretty swell tune ; That a girl of the right sort is a good egg, and that she should prove it by letting him mooch his cigarettes from her ; That all of the good houses are north of Chalmers street, and that the sororities that amount to any- thing are on Wright street; That an intelligence test tests in- telligence ; That all co-eds are homely, and that none of them are virgins; That most instructors pass out grades on the eeny meeny miny moe system ; That he is very, very drunk after one beer, and that drunken men must break up the furniture to prove their drunkenness ; That hanging a pin means that you are only engaged sorta ; That the BMOC who pays for anything is rarer than the dodo, and that RWOC, well, they pay and pay and pay ; That you get more for your money if you buy A ; That nerts is a funny word ; That an athlete can ha\e just about any babe he wants for the asking: That Thetas are tall. Kappas too damn snooty, Chio's short, and that tlic rest of them will be getting a break when he gets around to putting them into their little pigeon hole ; That he could get drunk if he drank a mixture of Coke and cigarette ashes ; That he belongs to a brotherhood and not an eating club; That most of the members of the English faculty have ruffles on their under-panties; That the depression is to blame for all of the stupid pledges in the house ; That the small eastern schools are the best, and only the riff raff with money goes to Harvard and Yale ; That having a lot of keys is just dandy; That a Phi Bete never amounts to a damn after he gets out of school, and the stupidest students are always the howling successes in the business fl world ; That he will get only fifteen dollars a week for his first job after he gets out of school ; That most people get married in June ; That Hoover is a pretty lousy president ; That the Old Line has all things politic sewed up tight ; That the girls he knows are the best looking in town ; That the no-cut system was devised as a special order for professors who lo\e to show their authority; That he likes beer enough to suffer the consequences; That all Independent leaders show rank favoritism to Independent men, and Greek leaders take care of their own just as religiously; That Jewish students are excep- tionally intelligent; That he should read the Scout every day ; ^ VIIU IIUW ^^^ 5T0CKIHG Holidav Number 17 That he should give any show of emotion the audible bird; That girls really expect a thorough mugging after every date, and talk about the man if he makes no ad- \ances ; That girls have much filthier minds than men, and that their sessions make those of the male look like a Sunday School picnic: That Jean Harlow is pretty pas- sionate looking: That the Delts are always drunk and the Betas are lilies ; That a good fraternity pin isn't jewelled, but is a black enamel and gold affair called a "Badge.^' That the Zeta Tau Alpha house is just too darn far out in the country; That a house dance with any lights is a flop ; That all of the collegiate clothes are worn by high school children; That it costs a woman more for clothes than it does a man ; That it sounds very snooty to call a sorority a fraternity, and that it is rank heresy to call a man's house a f rat ; That blondes are chisellers; That reading the New Yorker proves that you are sophisticated ; That all dirty jokes are funny; That sororities black-ball rushees because they eat the lettuce of their salad ; That though the Independent stu- dents he knows are enlightened, the most of them are a prettv uncouth lot; That he could save a lot of money if he lived out of the house; That his room-mate wears his clothes more times than he wears his room-mate's ; That he should never admit that it is a new suit that he has on ; That women are very stupid about a lot of things, and stupidest of all where driving a car is concerned ; That everv one else is a moron. WILD ANIMALS I HAVE KNOWN Glorified by Ziegfeld. Scandalized by George White. Mortified by Earl Carroll. — Alabama Ram/ncr- Jammer. The Ostrich The ostrich sticks his head in sand ; He is a funny one. He does it not because of fear. But 'cause he thinks it's fun. The Lemur On palmy Madagascar isle The lemurs run and play. They're always wide awake at nigiit Because they sleep all day. The Dodo The dodo is no more — poor bird ! With folly is it linked. It wouldn't grow some feathery wings. And so it is extinct. The Chimpanzee They say we are related to The fuzzy chimpanzee ; I wonder if he knows my aunt — I'll write to him and see. The Elephant On elephants I won't play jokes Or pull their tails, for yet Although they may appear quite dumb They ne\er do forget. The Monkey The monkey's chatter sounds as though It's awfully full of static. He may be kind enough to some. But I think he's erratic. The Tiger The tiger has a cat-like tread And slinks about in grasses. He eats with relish men and boys. But does not like molasses. How Our Language Came Into Being Exhibit A : Campus. When this school of teeming millions, make it thousands then, all right make it hundreds, anyway when it had only just recently come into being, there was not much to it but a few would-be distinctive build- ings and places for the engineers to spit. (Spit is a horrid word, but so is engineer). At this time some general (step right up and choose your own general, folksies) brought his troops to the Twin Cities, which were then one child, and don't expect me to explain biological phenomena. Going back a few chapters we find that the army or settlers or whatever the historians have decided upon had no place to settle down. That would seem to definitely eliminate the pos- sibility of settlers. Ah, but wait. The gen., or head cheese, (ah, cheese of police, says you) then per- ceived with joy our noble collitch. At the same time the people per- ceived it also. Wasn't that a happy coincidence? (Stop that horrid noise, Alfredo). Lipon perceiving this welcome sign of civilization (they hadn't seen any engineers yet) the people shouted with one accord, slightly off key, "Camp us here." It so happened (as they say in cigarette ads) that a party of tourists were snooping around at the time, and, hearing the mighty shout, they looked about them. "What is this place?" askeii Minnie the Moocher. "Well, as there are no signs around and the guide-book doesn't say; 1 think we are safe in believing what the man says." "What do you mean?" "Why, " with a sweeping gesture, "campus here." The SIREN Cousin Egbert Says — In merrie Englaml, thoy have a quaint, but nevertheless, merrie sense of humor. In a tiimbled-down shack, not in Athlone in sunny Erin, but in the west end of Lunnun, is the famous twisting room. Here it is that your dyed-in-the-wool. Rule Britannia, Engli.sh joke is manu- factured. A typical example is that twisted version like the following: An Amurrican (as the English say) was selling goods to a bally ol' Lunnuner. Looking out of the case- ment (English for window) the Yankee (all Aniurricans are Yan- kees) said, "Wot's it doing out?" The subject of King George re- plied, "Why, hit's snowing." To which the Yank replied, "Oh, that's sno' matter." (Clever, eh, wot?) The P'nglishman, deuced pleased with the retort, took it home to "the little woman." "Look out the casement, m'dear. Tell me 'ow the beastly weather is." "Why, Reggie, it's snowing." "Perfectly immaterial, m'dear, per- fectly immaterial." (Ripping? No end!) And then there is the Englishman who when asked for the definition of a Sooner hound replied that a Sooner hound was "one that rahther eat than run." (Jolly clever, eh?) But revenge is sweet, even on Eng- lishmen. Listen, there's no catch to this one. .•\ man from the States (an Amur- rican) was over in England. Every- where he went his pronunciation was corrected. You know, Cholmonde- ley pronounced Chumly, Worcester- shire pronounced W'shire, and so on far into the night. He invited his friend to visit him. Touring the United States, they came first to Niagra Falls. The English man waxed enthusiastic. "Ah, Niagra Falls! It's marvelous! At last I've seen Niagra Falls." Here was the American's chance. "No, my friend, no. Not Niagra Falls; Nifflles, sir, Niffles." Rut to digress, are the English any worse off than some Americans, or even Iri.sh? Here are two stories, known as the shaggy dog twins. You figure them out, we can't. No. 1. In front of a leathei goods store a pile of luggage. On the bottom was a large trunk priced al $30; next came a smaller trunk tor $20; a suitcase was next, priced .it $15; then a small grip, $10; at the very top was a Boston bag with tin- sign, "This size for $5." Down the street came a tramp, old, tired, and dirty, followed by a shaggy dog, al.so old, tired, and dirty. He stopped in front of the luggage piled in front of the leather goods store. First he gazed at the large trunk, then the small trunk, next the suit- case, then the grip, and at last, the Boston bag with the sign, "This size for $5." Looking down at his shaggy dog, after a moment's re- flection, he sighed, "So do I." No. 2. A woman whose husband had been dead for many years lived all alone in a frame house with onh' a shaggy dog for company. He was one of these veritable floor mops of a dog. Some people call his kind poodles. The woman was in the habit of trading at an old German's meat market. Never, however, did she allow the dog to accompany her to the market. One day the dog fol- lowed her, and the good soul did not have the heart to turn him back. In the market, the butcher gazed at the shaggy dog a minute and said, kindly, "It's a very shaggy dog you have there." The woman retorted, "Not so shaggy, not so shaggy." Ah, but, the worst is yet to come. Here it is, all tied up with white paper and red ribbon for Christmas: Two polar bears were on separate icebergs. One was a female bear and the other a male, or, if you prefer, one was a mama bear and the other a papa bear. Anyway, there they were on the two icebergs which were drifting towards each other. (No, this is not a story like that of Dr. Seibert and the little fishes, or were they big fishes, or maybe it wasn't Dr. Seibert.) There they were, the two bears drifting towards each other on separate icebergs. At last, now we approach the end, the ice- bergs came together. The two bears jumped into the water, both yelling, "Radio!" Holiday Number 19 Well, here it is, another month and the neighbors haven't signed a petition asking us to leave this fair community — so far. Perhaps our libelous scandal column is innocuous — or perhaps the delicate minds of the mini and Illinae are far too pure to grasp the erudite remarks. ? ? ? And speaking of erudite — did we tell you the latest campus Winchell ? It seems that one BMOC was visit- ing a friend of a different nationality. And it also seems that this friend had a week-end guest (either way, Charlie) also a different nationality, and that this guest was wearing the pin of the BMOC's club. Curiosity aroused an investigation which brought forth the following: (1). The pin did not belong to the week-end guest. (2). It belonged to his girl friend, who had given it to him. ( 3 ) . She was a chambermaid at a Chicago hotel. (4). It had been hung on her. ( 5 ) . The initials on the back of the pin showed that the rightful owner was another BMOC who was, whisper, whisper, a senior on the Illusion last year. (6). General confusion reigned. ? ? ? And speaking of confusion — we wonder if the very long Christmas Holiday so soon to begin will be any- thing like Thanksgiving. You (and you, and you) should all have stayed over the vacation with us. Everybody was all confused with the great number of ways to kill time over the vacation. It is estimated that everybody tried to pick some- one up, or tried to be picked up at the skating rink — with little or no success ; that everyone went to Fee- dlebaum's at least twice — and found no one there ; and finally that every- one went to the Yumca stayover party on Friday night. ? ? ? And you should have heard all the stayovers gather 'round the cup that does not cheer and sing "There's no Place Like Home" — "That's why We're All Here." Yes, Charlie, it was a wild night over at the Yumca. Everybody in polite society was there — a Gammaphi slung out ice-cream, three marvelous musicians made merry (whyinell cudnt they hav practiced sumwer else?), and last — but far from least — the Burlap sisters, the two bags from Urbana, were galloping all over the place. And one pledge with a little button was giving the girls the treat of dancing with a real high class Greek. Did they ever go for him! We saw two pledges of one of the "bettei- houses" also, but after a few dances they removed their lapel adornment. ? ? ? It was estimated by the wandering reporter that about 90 per cent of the girls attending were picked up before the decorous closing hour at 11:30. It was also estimated that a great number of men were disappointed when they found out that their town- girl dates did not have a car. But then, a far greater number were dis- appointed when they found out that the girls meant what they said when they had mentioned earlier in the eve- rung that they had to be in at 12. It is also estimated that there were in- formal dancing parties in no less than seven of the local eating clubs fol- lowing the revelries. Notice in the Daily Illusion: "and so everyone departed after a glorious evening of joy and revelry of dancing to the strains and stresses of Leopard Noise and his all-Unstrung band. Everyone is looking forward with pleasure to the New Year's celebra- tion that the two Yumca tongs are going to throw." Oh yeah? ? ? ? We've quit trading at one of the local dispensaries of sodas, cokes. sandwiches and drugs because of a dream of ours which they shattered so rudely. We'd been at the Libe studying all day, had a headache therefrom, and had retired to said dispensary. In keeping with our scholastic attitude we politely asked for five grains of monosalicylicacid of aceticacidexter to which the budding pharmacist wheezed back at us, "D'yuh meenyuhwant fi' grains' o'- aspirin buddy?" ? ? ? We have wondered about a lot of things — whether the Phi Delt statue is getting cold — and whether the Phi Pi Phi house has cooled off from its latest fire — and when the Sigma Kappa fire is going to be (probably postponed until after the Holidays when the gals will have new pajaw- maws) — and why so many mugs could get dates during vacation — and can't now — and if the depression is the reason we get only one straw in Feedlebaum's — and whyinell we "stayed over" — and life in general — ? ? ? And speaking of throwing parties — we learned of a new drink over the vacation — it's called "Wall- flower"because it's never been cut. ? ? ? This ought to be pretty interesting to those houses that have at every house party resigned themselves to either locking their cups up in a nice dark closet upstairs or taking a chance on having them neatly lifted in the gloom. One of those inspira- tions that come once in years hit over at the Sigma Phi Sigma house, and here it is. They just tied a nice stout black silk cord through the handles of the cups, placing a big one in the ceriter of the mantel and working down to an enticingly small one at the end — one of those that girls just would love to have you get for them •;o they can use it for an ash tra) . The really exciting moment of the Sigma Phi Sigma dance that night came when the whole row of cups came tumbling down from the mantel - -eemagine the embarrassment of one couple that was dancing by that fire- place. 20 The SIREN Coming Distractions As revievcd hy Marion Irrmann Romance of all kinds! That's what Manager Martin tells us he has booked for the coming month at the R-K.-() Virginia theatre. From December 17-19 there'll be "Flying High"; while most people take avia- tion seriously these days, this comedy doesn't. The principal protagonists are Bert Lahr, America's most im- itated comedian, in his original stage role of Rusty Krause, and Charlotte (jreenwood as Pan.sy Botts, the waitress who advertises that she wants to marry an aviator . . . ami does ! Need more be said ? Watch out for the "Corsair!" From the 20th to the 23rd it will sail across the screen of the Virginia, carrying you along on its dangerous voyages. It's the story of a college football hero turned hi-jacker in order to gain the quick wealth he believes his girl desires. Bombing, sea fights, revenge, plotting — they're all in this story! Then this same theatre is getting three pictures that may make you be- come a Christmas stay-over — first is "Cuban Love Song" with Lawrence Tibbett and Lupe Velez. You've seen and heard them both in many another smash, now how would you like to see Tibbett as a swashbuck- ling marine, singing that glorious song "The Halls of Montezuma" and a new one — "The Cuban Love Song," and the fiery Lupe Velez dancing this rumba that you're all talking about. Come around to the Virginia on the 24th, 2Sth or 26th and put that "extra something" into the holiday. From December 31 to January 2, that weird show, "Frankenstein" will be there. Remember the story? It tells of a young scientist who brought a human monster to life bv electricitv and surgery. This will undoubtedly be the most eerie film you'll see in many a month. Colin Clive of "Journey's End" fame takes the lead, while Karloff takes the part of the monster. The story was written in the 18th century by Mary Shelle\', the wife of the poet. And lastly, from January 3-6 the Virginia presents Wallace Beery and Jackie Cooper in "The Champ." The hero of "The Big House" plays the father of "Skippy" in a combination that is really an event of the screen season. Beery is seen as a defeated fight champion, who takes his small son to a border resort where he tries to achieve a comeback. To all others he is a "has-been" but to the boy he is the greatest man on earth. And, when the time comes, the old fighter makes a sacrifice for the boy's future that proves him the best man of them all. The Rialto presents something new on December 17, 18 and 19, with the coming of George Bancroft in "Rich Man's Folly," adapted from Charles Dickens' story "Dombey and Son." Bancroft plays the part of a shipbuilder who has but one religion — ships. It takes the death of his .son and his marriage with a rather designing individual to bring him back to the consideration of what is left of his family, rather than his beloved ships. Then from December 20 througii the 23rd Joe E. Brown will show the folks at the Rialto just how a "Local Boy \Iakes Good." As a college bookstore clerk he writes a series ot letters to a girl at another school, little thinking that they will be mailed. But they are! And how he makes good his written boast that he's a track star is something that you shouldn't miss. He never knew he could run until the day he almost speared the track star with a javelin, but when he was chased for it — well, that's the story! On December 24, 25 and 26, Gene Russell of the Rialto has secured Ruth Chatterton in "Once a Lady," the story of a mother's love for her daughter. Visualize the story: a charming lady vagabond of Paris married into a disapproving English family . . . fighting to hold the aflec- tion of a daughter poisoned against her b\' an entire household . . . strug- gling against temptation and a plea for the return to gayety placed before her by a handsome man of past amours . . . keeping a secret tryst as her husband reads that she has been killed in a train-wreck . . . remaining "dead" rather than bring him shame ... is that enough to make you want to see it? It should be ! Park presents some you may have missed, but still want to see: "Virtu- ous Sin" on the 16th; Chevalier in 'Smiling Lieutenant," 17, 18; "Big Gamble," with Bill Boyd, 19; Robert Ames and Ina Claire in "Re- bound," 20; "Up Pops the Devil," 21, 22; "The Royal Family" WMth Fredric March, 23; "Huck Finn," . 24, 25; "Sundown Trail," 26; \ "Honeymoon Lane," 27; "Skyline" with Tom Meighan, 28, 29; "Tarn- ished Lady," with Ruth Chatterton, 30; "Secrets of a Secretary," Decem- ber 31. January 1. And may we wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and add the hope that the old man forks out enough shekels so that you may enjoy these new shows! See you at the theatre! Holiday Number 21 'f%^ \nsuiatekl • • • but not against Even the method of insulation is not insulated apiainst improve- ment at the Western Electric telephone cable shop. For a gen- 11 iph quality liood pulp eration wires have been wrapped around with a narrow ribbon nou- used to form a sleeie ^r around the uire of paper but now the wire has the paper made right on it while passing through an ingenious paper making machine. . . . This new revolutionary process saves time and lowers the cost of cable. But perhaps the Three uep, now in one — paper making, slitting and insulating most important thing about it is that it illustrates an attitude of mind of your Bell telephone makers: keeping receptive to innovation. . . . Only by doing so, they realize, can they carry out properly their functions Always searching for * ». •■ t» new ideas as mauufacturcrs, purchasers and distributors for the Bell System. Western Electric Manufacturers . . . Purchasers . . . Distributors SINCE 1882 1- O K THE BELL SYSTEM The SIREN MERRY XMAS ILLINI RIALTQ A^ THEATRE V^ Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Dec. 17, 18, 19 C;i:()RGH BANCROFT "Rich Man's Follv" Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday December 20, 21, 22, 23 JOE E. BROWN "Local Boy Makes Good" From "The Poor Nut" By J. C. and Elliott Nugent . . . Skilled . . . Workmanship Four years of technical training plus six years of practical experi- ence insure a thorough and accurate job in the repair of watches and jewelry at the Nugget. Come in now, before the holidays, and have your watch cleaned and checked. To give the best service a watch should be cleaned once a year. Prices are in tune with the depres- sion. NUGGET Wl\z Kast (jreeii, C'hainpaign W. E. NEWHOUSE, Proprietor Protoclypt077iesia, or My God, How Wonderful liy TKD GRIESENAUER Early in that century, the word itemized many, many Romans, who were, at that tiiiu-, quite Romanic. The theory underlying the whole was quite simple and very easily grasped, so that is exactly what happened; namely, man- kind in general was in a turmoil as to what to do. Then came the dawn as is the usual custom for that phenomenon. Baxter rode forth and shouted out his newly discovered hypothesis, much to the ardent disapproval of the sleeping queen. But, believe it or not, she didn't sleep long because lo, there came to pass a remarkable change in the makeup of lier man, who, by God, turned out in the seventh chapter to be the king. He was really the court's jester, but the reason for that is that he was jester gigolo. So saying Bax- ter decided it was about time. By now it had become then. So he ups and tips over the Phi Tau jug and what do you suppose he found? Right you are! (Hey, Elsie! A prize for the man with the tie! He found an end). And this is the text of this marvelous narrative. (Is it a narrative)? End. But therein lies the chief difficulty. No one has as yet been able to think of the best name for it. That is, no one except me, and the name I give to it is protoclyptomesiuni, meaning, of course, end. It is a word derived from the old Egyptians. Proto means "E." Most instructors know that. Clypto means "N." I don't know where the connection is, either. And (by now you have surely guessed) Mesium means "D." Isn't that the simplest thing you ever have seen? Now, ain't it? Be frank with yourself; I'll be, no; I don't care. That brings up another point. (Typographical error: should read "point"). Dare. That's a word for you! How I just love to sit and look at that word! Virginia Dare. We won't go into the good of that, etc., etc., but the ques- tions now is concerning wine brix. I am fully convinced that there should be a law or something, and then again I am Republican, so I guess that lets that out. The Demo- crats (waiting at the gate) are in favor of a measure some- thing to the effect of the following: we want no more laws or rules; but we do want to pass just one final decree pro- hibiting the passage of all rules and other things people are supposed to break. There's politics again. Oh, well. Who do you suppose is responsible for all the wars and peace pacts and treaties and "Help-a-Vet" apples? Heh-heh ! Well, I don't know, too. Perhaps a simple problem, the answer to which you must solve, would be exceedingly beneficial in an endeavor to find out what's what and just why why is why. It is not expected that you wnll have a ready answer, but it will be granted universally that there is an answer. Hint: "Sober as a judge." (Which judge?) Holiday Numher And as for the rest, pooh-pooh-pe-doop. Who cares ? not even the lilies of the field; not even the lilies on Chal- mers street. In fact, not even he who gets slapped. Baxter and his white horse couldn't get there in time so the man with the iron hand asked the inn keeper's daughter the following ask: "Where, prithee, may I findest my room?" The inn keeper's daughter, being a beautiful daughter, knew the score and so she answered the following answer: "Up, M'lord; up. Go thou up till thou comest to even the far story. Wilt thou have me go with thee as thy guide?" (Guess the answer). Anyhow there was going to be a big wedding; the beautiful daughter of the inn keeper married the man with the iron horse and the white hand. At the wedding there were many congregated. It was a congregation. The minister administered and the two damn fools reacted. Finally when the minister asked that fatal question of horse with the white man and the handiron, he did it so? "Wilt thou have this woman as thy wedded wife?" The guy which was all mixed up by now answered : "I wilt." There is no use going into the fambly life of these two individuals because they were going to be written about a little while late anyway, and so it really doesn't matter if they lived happily ever after or not. If you are curious, just mail a card stating what phase of the married life most interests you and if so, why not, and then put your address on one side of the paper and then, aw, well, I forgot what else you are supposed to do, but anyhow, you get the drift. Yea, who won't in a little while if this cold spell continues? Which proves that there is such a thing as a Santa Claus. Time again to remind you that this is a — about that quaint old historical backgrounded hazard, clyptonic- siuni, preceded by proto. "Why is everyone so happy?" shouted little Audrey. But everyone knows why. The answer is profoundly. THE END (Protoclyptomesium). Bobbie, a little child who hails from a very large family, was allowed to go see his sick father, on one occasion, on the promise he would be very quiet so as not to disturb his father. Bobbie sat in silence and looked at his father for a while, then said: "Well, Dad, I guess I had better go. Have I bothered you any?" "No, son." "Are you sure. Dad?" "Yes, son." "Well, can I come back sometime. Dad?" "Why sure, son." "Well, Dad. before I go, won't you please let me see the baby?" — Aluffivump. "Do you go to Princeton?" "No, it must have been something I ate!" — Amherst Lord Jeff. NOW EVERY MAN CAN SMOKE A PIPE KAYWOODIE mellows your smoke... no other pipe does it Completely different from any other pipe, past or present. New alloy now removes harsh "biting" properties from smoke. Am- plifies the true tobacco flavor. Years work in our own laboratory and tests by a great University made possible the way to mellow smoke. This secret — our sole property — can- not be duplicated. Be- ware of imitations, all genuine pipes stamped "Drinkless." Smooth ^3.50, Thorn ^4. (Above, No. 07, Thorn) Sci' how il works And for cigarette smokers : iV«f Tobacco Yello holder O 1931, Kaufmann Bros. & Bondy, Inc., Empire State Building, New York City 24 r h e SIREN -Pcnn State Froth. "Quick, Henrietta, the fleet!" llie Scotchman, invited to a party, was asked to bring something. He brought his relatives. — Boston Branfiot. On the highway just south of Hitgstown, in New jersey, is a direction sign bearing the legend: 2 miles to Dutch Neck. The question is, is it worth the trip? — Cavalier. Blonde Cutie (to elevator boy): "Boy, sixteenth floor please, and I'll give you a kiss." Elevator Boy: "Sasssay, h-h-how about gggoing up t-t-to the f-f-fortieth?" — Ohio State Sundial. They call it Inertia gin — it keeps you spinning after you shut off the juice. — Cornell Widoiv. BRING HER TO— REFRESHING DRINKS * CHAMPAIGN. ILL. ' After the Show or After the Dance East Green and South Neil Streets TOASTED SANDWICHES Holiday Number 25 Six Ways to Sell Christmas Cards 1. Try wearing a military uniform when going on your selling trips. You have no idea how much you can learn about life by impersonating an officer. 2. Begin your canvass with a statement about how everyone realizes the importance of Christmas. If the cus- tomer replies with a "Vel, keed, I'll tal you," move on to the next house. 3. Be sure to tell your prospect that you are only a college boy working your way through school. This novel story is sure to get attention. 4. Begin by introducing yourself. For example — "How do you do? (This should stump him). My name is Tzingelbead Meyendeldoocha . . ." The prospect will realize immediately that you are no ordinary sort of fellow. 5. If unable to get the attention of the housewives by any of the above methods, go down to any street corner and start agitating against unemployment. If you are any good at all you soon should be able to round up a gang who will stage a demonstration against unemployment at the drop of a hat. The noise (of the demonstration, dearie, not the hat) should be enough to get the average housewife away from her washing for a few moments. 6. Plan your sales talk like a .sociology lecture. You know, start in with a discussion of how the ancient Abysin- iiians used Christmas cards as eyeshades in their big poker games and how Napoleon whiled away the idle- hours at Elba by skimming Christmas cards across the water until finally he cracked under the strain. Don't wake the cus- tomer up by slamming the door when you leave. — Ohio Sun Dial. CONVERSATION The music ceased and the babbling of voices took the place of the shuffling of feet. "I think the orchestra is good tonight," she said. His expression was vague. "Yeah — sorta." "Oh, don't you like it? " "Yeah — I like it all right, I guess." She paused before asking him another question ; he was always quiet, but she had never wondered why. There was something suspicious about him now. She looked at him carefully. He wasn't exactly staring, but neither was he looking at anything. His handsome face was rather unin- spired. He wasn't in a reverie; rather he seemed to be thinking very deeply about nothing at all. She hoped she was wrong. One shouldn't judge too hastily. She mused a bit, wondering if she would remember him as intelligent or just as good-looking. "I suppose you have heard orchestras that arc a lot bet- ter, haven't you?" she asked. "Oh — it's something to be good-looking, isn't it? — Pcnn. State Froth. »BUS SPECIALS-^ CHRISTMAS VACATION to Kewanee, Moline, Rock Island, Davenport Mendota, Amboy, Dixon, Sterling, Freeport Byron, Oregon, Rockford Call 4H4H for injormation and reservations Parkhill's Tours (liuorporated) 32 Chester Street Mvisic for Everyone A Iways A Lasting Gift A Beautiful Gift An Intelligent Gift A nd It Is Universally Pleasing Make your selections now. A sym- phony — an operatic aria — a child's hook of pieces or records — a popular song. Taylor-Fisher Music Shop University Post Office Building 26 The SIREN R-K-O VIRGINIA THEATRE l)i;< KMISKK 17 111— Till RSnW TIIIU SATIKDAV 'FLYING HKiH' With Bert Lahr and Charlotte Greenwood l>K< KMHKIt ■.•O-.';!— SINDVV TIIIU \Vi:itM:sl>.\\ "CORSAIR" With Allison Lloyd and Chester Morris Ili:( K.MIiKK 2l-2()— THIKSDAV THKl SATl KI»A\ "CUBAN LOVE SONG" With Lupe Velez and Lawrence Tibbett l)K(. :il-.IAN. •.•— Tin KSDAV THKl SATl KltAV "FRANKENSTEIN" With John Boles and May Clark JAM AKV .!-(>— SINDAV THKl WKItNKSDAV "THE CHAMP" With Wallace Beery and Jackie Cooper —Free Adv't— She was discussing Spengler with thi' president of the Phi Beta Kappa Society, yet little did she realize that he had— •SCHOLAR'S HAND." This peculiar disease, whose evidences can only be seen in slight feelings of the skin between the fingers, conies from too many nights in close contact with Books. Its most propitious breeding ground is in the stacks of libraries or reading rooms lined with Books. Continual turning of pages and handling of books is dangerous. Guard yourself against contracting. "SCHOLAR'S HAND." — Calif nniia Pvliran. Emily Bust's Own List for a Genteel Gastinj* Away Remember, girls, the days of nonchalant, haphazard casting-aways is a thing of the past. Would you go off to college with nothing but a pair of beach pajamas? (Editor's note: It all depends on what you're going to college for, Emily). By gar, Fm not going to write anything for this durn magazine if this ill-bred editor doesn't stay out of this. As I was saying, one should be even more careful about choosing one's wardrobe for a casting-away than one would be in choosing a trousseau. (Editor: All right, all right, but oh! what an opening for a swell crack!) There arr those who say that one should take only very serviceable clothes that are calculated to hold up under the wear and tear of island life, but when you consider that three weeks is as long as any sensible girl should need to stay, one need not be so particular about how sturdy your clothes are. Here is a little list that I have gone to a great deal of trouble to draw up. 12 sport suits. 3 afternoon dresses. 5 evening dresses. 12 sport hats. 3 of those floppy afternoon liats. 1 bathing cap. 1 beach ensemble. 1 bathing suit. 7 pairs of gloves. 14 pairs of hose. 17 pairs of unmentionables. Shoes for every costume. Purses, gloves, etc. 3 parasols, and one honest to gawd umbrella. 1 raincoat. Sunburn cream, face powder, vanishing cream, lipstick, tissue cream, eyelash curler, eye shadow. (Editor: Some- times called lampblack). Well, I think that about co\ers the ground. If you are really going about this seriously, girls, and are feeling the depression pretty badly, you can boil the whole list down to just the bathing cap. Now don't quote me as saying this, but that is what I would do. (Editor: Hurrah! I knew you had it in you, Emily). — Texas Loni/honi. Merry: "Why all tlic celebration?" Ed: "The India-Rubberman's wife just gave birth to bouncing baby boy." — Penn. State Froth. Frater: I came within an ace of winning the game. Pledge : Then why didn't you ? Frater: The other fellow had the ace. — Beanpol. "Now you all's gone and done it. How am Ah gonna raise dese here chillen up to be good and respectible with youins talking the way yo do in front of them?" "Now Mirandy, waht did Ah say in front o' them thaht wuzn't right?" "Well when we wuz down there at the corner talkin' to them men you walk right up to that Santy Clahse theah and sahys 'Well, old fellow. Ah sees you is living with Claribelle again.' Now whaht's them chillen agonna think?" —Ohio Sun Dial. Holiday Number 27 Presents the College Man Would Like to Get 1. Packard roadster. 2. Russian pajamas. 3. Dunhill pipe set. 4. Fraternity ring. 5. Portable typewriter. 6. Straight "A's." 7. Kappa Beta key. 8. A trip to Europe. 9. Raccoon coat. 10. A book of Valley Dale passes. 9. 10. What He Gets Red necktie. Flannel pajamas. Woolen underwear. Ear muffs. A book of Mrs. Browning's poetry. He gets to go on props. Bedroom slippers. Colds. A call from the Dean's Office. Hell. -Ohio Sun Dial. "Dear Mother: "I arrived safely day before yesterday. So far I have had a delightful time. The boys up here are so nice and polite. I met the President of the Y. M. C. A. Cabinet last night and he has been very nice to me. "We danced until 12:30 last night and then everyone went to bed, so that we would feel good for the baseball game today. The chaperons are an old gentleman and lady of, I should say, about fifty years. I talked with them for quite a while last night. That's about all that I can write now, as I am in quite a hurry. "Love, Helen." "Dear Dot: "My Gawd, what a place! I have never known such a rush. Met the college bum last night and he is simply darling. I am afraid that I am falling for him. Imagine the girl of a thousand affairs falling in love. And as for Jack, the poor dear, I haven't seen him more than twice since I arrived. "Kay Johnson, that frightful creature, is here and she looks a mess. She passed out last night. The chaperons are a young couple who have scarcely been married for a year. They might just as well not be here for all the at- tention that anyone has paid to them. I have a thousand more things to tell you which don't go so well in print, so I will close and give you the dirt when I get home. "Fondly, "Helen." — Banter. No, You Dont Want »»» this design: you want your own for an in dividual Christmas card this year. Collo!;! publishers will make up any design you or your house may wish at prices rangin; from $fi to $10 per hundred, cost of cut paper, and envelopes included. I'nusual dc signs already made up in French fold o flat card st.vle are available at oiii- otlicc COLLEGE PUBLISHERS ()()(! Kast (ireeii Second Floor SUPERIOR OJL ^PHOTOGRAPHS, DRAWINGS PROMPT SEP VICE CR.GRUBBfi^CO. Er. CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS. 28 The SIREN Crocodile A scaly lad The crocodile Lived in ages past His two-fold hide In zipper st>le Made people stand aghast, His greatest pride (And only use) Was epiderm for purses But recently (Through some abuse) He donates stuff for verses. — ('/ilifo rn it! n PiTuan. Sugiiested Practical Courses I' reiiih ()4 : The "Follies Bergere," with field trips. Knglish 97 : How to swear without repeating oneself. Chemistry 99: Preparation of alcoholic products. Psych. 29: How to see double without getting drunk. Knglish 11: (See Honest Jawn Menditall). — Penn. Punch Bmil. '1\) Jeanne You stretch your swanlike arms And sift the mellow Stardust Through your fingers. Your alabaster cheeks Softly caress The billowy curves of a chartreuse moon. The nebulae playfully Gambol among your soft Silvery hairs, And seraphs gently kiss The lobes of your ears. Have you forgotten that you are standing in the mud? -S- Painless? "1 ;un sorry," said the dentist, "but you cannot have an appointment with me this afternoon. I have eighteen cavi- ties to fill." And he picked up his golf bag and went out. — Notre Dame "Juggler." The luckiest fleas were those in the ark. They had a dog apiece. — Williains Purple Cow. At the- PARK In Champaign And the PRINCESS In Urbana You Always Get Your Money's Worth of Good Entertainment "Quality — Service — Economy" Owned and operated It.v Alger Brothers Theatre of Illinois Who said prohibition was r\iiiuiig business? Look what it has done for the padlock industry. — Yale Record. Capt. : "Your name?" R. O. T. C. student: Capt.: "Your rank?" R. O. T. C. student: "Joe College." 'I know it." Carnegie Tech Pupfiet. Miss Gladys: "You appeared very abruptly with your errand. You must not come so suddenly into the room when Mr. Smithers is spending the evening with me. ' Bridget: "Suddent! Suddent ye call it, an' me at the keyhole three-quarters of an hour!" — Mugivunip. We wish to apologize for calling the Hotel Utica a second-rate hotel in our last issue. It is not a second-rate hotel. We are very sorrv. — Hamilton Royal Gaboon. -S- "What would you say if you walked into your room tonight and saw an elephant asleep in your bed?" "I'd say, 'take your tnuik and get out, you bum!' " — Wisconsin Octopus. Holiday Number 29 Words and Music. Santa Claus usually has a headache along about this time, what with trying to find presents that will please any and all of the people lucky enough to get their names on his shopping list ... he ought to jump up and down and clap his hands when someone tips him off to the ULimber of swell records released this month. All of the recording companies seem to have gotten into a huddle and decided that "Time on My Hands" was a pretty snooty tune. Brunswick decided to make its version a female torch singer affair, and did a pretty neat job of it too, if you want our ideas on the subject. Connie Boswell does the singing, and you can dance to it. Russ Columbo in his "own, inimitable, exclusive style'" sings it on the Victor record. You can dance to this too, though the crooning may get in your hair if you really take >our dancing seriously. "Good-Night, Sweetheart" is on the reverse side, also by Mr. Columbo. Rudy Vallee did the American version of this song, just in case you didn't know it. Dear old Santa would make a hit with any Wayne King follower if he left his record of "You're My Only Sweetheart." Being as how it is one of these waltzes that says one-two-three, it ought to be a dancing favorite in the already fat album of King renditions. "Blues in My Heart," a Columbia record of Fletcher Henderson's, is very nice indeedy. Lots of trumpets and sweet poignant melody. Ted Weems has done "I'm for you One Hundred Per Cent," Parker Gibbs singing the vocal refrain, for Victor. It is, as you would expect from a Weems' record, very hot, with lots of piano solos that fairly sizzle. And then as the beautiful contrast to that, there is the Victor recording of 'Call Me Darling" by Leo Reisman. This seems to be a waltz season, and an old fashioned waltz season at that. Paul Whiteman offers "When the World Was New" on the other side . . . and you'll probably notice as quick as we did that it sounds an awful lot like "When You and I Were Seventeen." Jacques Renard does a sweet one for Victor in "I'm Sorry, Dear" that has an ending like a Whiteman record begins, if you get what we mean. "Bend Down Sister" is probably the last of the Hollywood spirituals, but it is pretty hot. If only there hadn't been so many of them, we could almost rave about the piano solos in this one. Seriously, though, there are enough good things this month to help out anyone's shopping. The new long-playing records offer an opportunity to give something that shows perfect taste on the part of the giver . . . whether it be a Beethoven or Schubert symphony, a concerto played by a master violin- ist, one of the modern compositions, a musical comedy num- ber, or a popular dance recording. The world of music is large, and the field of choice is infinite — thank heavens! rOllR BAG Get your Bag of Planters Peanuts and you have helped your- Ll"!- n. Z^'l'T""^ ^f}'"''^ """"• I'l«nt<^rs Peanuts are "*"""' ""''• J^" '«■""*" gl-^-^ine bas of Planters, costing 5c everywhere, contains as many calories as a lunch Ol chicken salad and white bread that would set you back 40c in most restaurants. That's why Planters Peanuts are called "The Nickel Lunch." Planters Nut & Chocolate Company U. S. A. and Canada Planters [Salted Pean uts; With an oAir of distinction at wide range of prices to fit every purse. Collegiate, humorous, Illinois Seal, and Illi- nois etching specials Select Gifts for Everyone Our store that makes fine gifts at reasonable prices an art Featuring 25c and $1 Gifts and Gifts for "Him" or "Her" STRAUCH'S .\t Campus 709 South Wright 30 The SIREN TOM MERLO Expert Shoe Repairer and Dyer Special Christmas Offer 1 O STUDENTS 25% Discount On all work done during Christmas vacation 404 East Green Street ISNKNIT SEW "Can she knit?" "I should say sew." "Can she sew?" "I should say knit." S '"Why do you look so pained?" "I'm lazy." "What's that got to do with it?" "I'm sitting on a cigarette." S Phi Eta Sigma, would I get sick? S Rudy Vallee: "I will now sing, 'I give up,' by popular request." S They laughed and laughed and laughed as I sat down to play at the piano, and after they had all left, I left too. S My father's worth a million. That's a lotta bullion. S Chiropracter's song, "I'm knead- ing you." "Say, young man, what do you mean by giving me scats in the .second balcony?" "All of the seats in the first balcony are sold, sir." "Oh, that's another story. " S ".My dad was killed by tiard lik- ker." "What happened to him?" "A cake of ice fell on him." S "They nearly broke my heart in the fraternity, paddling me so much." "What a fiuiny place to have a heart!" S With the recent ruling of a half- hour extension for week nights and an hour extension on the time limit of Sundays, there are various ques- tions which the general public would like to have cleared upa wee dribble. One of these questions might be worded this way: In case of a tie at the crucial hour, what's the score and who gets the added point ? S And then there is the case of the .senior, who just hadn't been around because he asked if the new woman's gymnasium was the President's home. It actually happened. S Irate father (to slightly inebriated daughter entering at three a. m.): "What does the clock say?" Daughter: "Tick tock and dogs say bow bow and cats meow." — Washington U. Dirge. S Then there is the sad plight of the young man who was told he didn't have to attend class except for exams. Well, he just cut an exam, which proves .something. S Sullivan is griping; he has reason to gripe; here are the facts: in one of our courses we find there are two kinds of butter; namely farm butter and creamery butter. The text goes on to explain : Farm butter is made on the farm and creamery butter is made in the creamery. Whoa, Prince ! Holiday Numbt 31 Her soft, warm body glowed pleas- antly in the gentle light. Skin velvet to the touch appeared like satin on the curves of her sleek, beautifully proportioned form. As he bent over her, his desire knew no bounds. Since a year before, when he had first met one of her kind, he had looked for- ward to this moment. This time he would not, he could not, be thwarted. His eyes glowed down upon her. There could be no wrong in a thing so natural, so beautiful, so satisfying as this. With one mail, consuming movement he grasped ht-r leg and drew it toward him. "How ya comin' on that leg, Gus?" inquired a voice across the board. "Oh, boy, some chicken, I'd say. " S Prof: "What do vou know about the Germanics ?" Co-ed "Not a thing. sir, I date Swedes." s Her: Oh, don't make me vawn. Him: Mv name ain't Yohn, it's Yim. — Texas Battalion. S- Professor: Hamlet was a queer person who tried to revenge his father's death. Student: Yeah, just an odd fellow trying to get even. — Cornell ffi/loiv. S Our idea of an unbeatable com- bination is Methuselah's age and Solomon's wives. — U. of South Mountain Goat. S A fish out of water is blissful com- pared with a student out of spirits. — Harvard Laniponn. S A member of the Salvation Armv upon finding a rather inebriated Englishman asleep upon a park bench shook him rudely. "Look here my good man," he said, "Do you want the gates of heaven shut for ever upon you?" "Shall right, shall right. Jusht long as they don't shlam the damn things. — Ohio State Sun Dial. lHuK tt H^ntaa NO BYLAWS, NO DUES Mystery, brotherhood and a stein of ale! Rho Dammit Rho leads all Greeks with two hundred chapters flung from coast to coast and back again. By January, 1932, we pre- dict a chapter for every dormitory, fraternity and boarding house in the United States and Canada. And if all goes well, there will be a national convention of old Rho Dam in the National Headquarters Pent-House atop the COLLEGE HUMOR building, Chicago, next summer. All you need is a nose for beer! And the January issue of COL- LEGE HUMOR is bursting with new features: Columbus Comes Across Students See Red O. O. Mclntyre Here Lies Love Doctor Seuss Ad Finitum Ad Finitum Rah! College Humor 1050 N. LaSalle St., Chicago 32 The SIREN Happy New Year — Oh Yeah? Predicted Vacation Statistics No. of students in school 11,000 No. who will take books home 9,900 No. who will study 500 No. who will be engaged during vacation 250 No. who will get married No. who will remember New Year's Eve 7,000 No. who will hear about it later 4,000 No. who will worry about exams 8,000 No. who will not worry about exams 3,000 No. who will need to worry about exams 3,000 No. of men who will give neckties for Christmas 6,000 No. who will exchange neckties 6,000 No. who will make resolutions 11,000 No. who will keep them till January 3rd 1,100 No. who will break them before school starts 1,100 No. who will., get fur coats for Christmas 1,200 No. who will wear them first day break 1,200 No. who will go home to rest 11,000 No. who will come back to school to rest 11,000 Total 103,596 The total closely approximates the numbt-r of headaches that will be suffered by students during the vacation. Lo, the Poor Indian IVith apologies to Liii/h Hunt Lo, the poor Indian, (may his tribe decrease) Awoke one night with his hair full of grease. And saw, within the moonshine in his room. Making it smell, and in need of a broom. The landlord writing with a pen that's old: — Exceeding gin had made the Indian bold, And to the landlord in the room he said, "What cha doin'?" — The landlord scratched his head. Answered, "The names of those who've paid their board." "And that means me?" said Lo. "Nay, nay, not so." Replied the landlord. Lo spoke again more low, But with a grin ; and said, "I ask you, then. Put me down-as one that owes but ten. " The landlord wrote, and vanished. The next night He came again with a great big flash-light, And showed the names who needed a new address, And Lo, the poor Indian's name, led all the rest. S A penny for j'our thoughts. Football Player: No, I can't afford to take a chance on my amateur standing. I t isn 't (Christmas yet— but this will do for the present After all, isn't it about time your parents were made acquainted with the facts of life? And we don't mean inside information on the birds and flowers, either. We mean your crying need for a car of your own this Christmas. If you agree, why not break the news now — when holiday spirits will dull the shock of facing one of life's sterner moments? You can make the ordeal easier for them by requesting one of those shiny new Chevrolet sixes. No mortgage on the old homestead will be required to give you this car — becaus'e Chevrolet prices are among the lowest of any on the market. The fact that it costs less to operate than any other car will also help to ease the blow. And you won't lose anything yourself by sug- gesting a Chevrolet, as it is smart enough and fast enough to uphold successfully your reputation as one who knows how to pick 'em. So brace yourself and do your stuff. Remember, Chevrolet expects every man to do his dutv. CHEVROLET MOTOR COMPANY, DETROIT, MICHIGAN Di-viiion of General Motors NEW CHEVROLET SIX The Great American Value for 1932 T^omethUifi worth cheerinif about If you really want to know how hugely enjoyable a fine cigarette can be, just try Camels in the Humidor Pack! It isn't only that Camels are made of the choicest tobaccos — fine Turkish and mild Domestic tobaccos expertly blended. . . . It isn't only that these fine tobaccos are cleaned by a special vacuum process that whisks away all the peppery dust. It's that (ill the goodness of these fine, clean tobaccos — all the rare fragrance, (ill the delightful aroma — reaches you factory -perfect — prime, mild, fresh! The Humidor Pack does that — seals within germ-safe, moisture-proof Cello- phane (ill the natural freshness — seals it so tightly that wet weather cannot make Camels damp, nor drought weather make them dry. So just try Camels — fine cigarettes kept fine — as a relief from stale, parched, dried-out cigarettes. Then you'll see why millions of folks like you are finding the cool, smooth, throat- friendly pleasure of Camels some- thing well worth cheering about! Tune in CAMEL QUARTER HOUR featuring Morton Downey and Tony Wons — Camel Orchestra, direction Jacques Renard — Columbia System — every night except Sunday Doni rtmoie the moiUure- package of Camels after yoi. is protection against perfume germs. Even in offices and hi proof Lellopliane from your open it. Ibe Humidor Pack ' and powder odors, dust and mes, in the dry atmosphere of ©1931. R. J. Reynold. Tobacco Company, ■« inslon-Salem. N. C. artificial heal, the Humidor Pack deliiers fresh Camels and keeps them right until the last one has been smoked Camels Mild . .XO C'KaARETTY AFTER-TASTE 0^ xHt •\wt A932 \iH\^ i^^\-^^ 0^ \v.^^' v*o\^ Say, Pal — Howja like to make Five Bucks ? THIS is the evchan^e number of the SIREN, and as usual, some of the titles to the cartoons !*()t lost. Now we may not be smart at thinking* up titles ourselves, but we sure are bright enough to know how to get somebody else to do it for us — and so boys and girls, we are giving YOU the chance to win yourselves five shiny new dollars. All \ou have to do is to think up a swell title for this cartoon, fill in the blank below, and either bring it or mail it to the SIREN, Illi- nois Union Building, before February third. And if you ask us, that ought to be a darnsight easier than it was for us to scrape that five bucks together remember, though, before February third! Title Name A d dress - Exchange Number Our Business is Your Business Because your electric, gas, transportation, water and telephone service is so necessary to the convenience and comfort of your daily life, it is in truth a semi- public activity. For that reason, the company supplying these services is known as a "public utility." The individual community is known by its utilities. Good lights, abundant power, good telephone service, pure water, good transportation tell a stranger within the gates more about the city than can the spoken words. A public utility organization that is successful reflects its success throughout the community. It pays dividends to the people in the community with increased and improved utility service. This company is endeavoring to pay a daily service dividend in return for the good things it enjoys with all the people in this community. Illinois Bower and Light Coipoiation Somebody suggests that all the girls in the dean of women's office smoke Chesterfields. They had to be good to get where they are ! — Northwestern Purple Parrot. "We're having a three-piece orchestra for the dance." "Three-piece?" "Yes, piano, player, and bench." — Califomin If'ainpus. "Sort of homey, isn't it: 'Staiifaul Chaparral The SIREN Everybody Says — "Buy J1 \\ cll. \vc bought a wliolc baker\ — The Federal Bakini* and Pastry Go. Now we lia\e better facilities than ever for making bread, pastry, cakes, rolls. Porter Baking Co. 101 North Neil Street 2254 Call Alpha First "The Home of Quality and Service" Dial "5171" For hi-j*rade coals, kindlinj* and fire- place wood. Special prepared screen- inijs and coals for stokers. Alpha Coal and Material Co. 25 East Springfield Avenue Phone 5171 Phone 7-2706 A Speakeasy Stomach and the Care and F'eedinij of a Gastric IHcer ll^ H \KKIS Sol IRE At last, ulcers have been broLifilit within tlu- reach of (■\cr\()nc. (looil olc I'rohibitioii. Have you e\er einieil the person who al\va\s orders milk and smugly sips it while he tells \ou of how it all came about? Now \'ou. too, can ha\ e an ulcer in }our heretofore uninhabited stomach by tollowin}: this simple formula. 1 1 'IK t: , Saturday, Jan. 2S.29-30 The >ia\est laff show on earth Marilyn Miller /*;/ "HER MAJESTY LOVE" With rf:n L^ on w. c. fields FORD STERLING CHESTER GONKLIN Sunday, Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday January 31-Februarv 1-2-3 Marian Marsh in "UNDER EIGHTEEN" With WARREN WILLIAM — REGIS TOOMEV - ANITA PAGE It's stories like her's that make ^irls put locks on diaries VIRGINIATHEATRE Thursday Thru Saturday, January 28-30 "William and Mary" Starring ROBERT MONTGOMERY Sunday Thru Wednesday, Jan. 31-Feb. 3 GLORIA SW ANSON in "Tonight or Never" With MKIA V.\ IXHHLAS Orpheumkatre Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday "X Marks The Spot" With LEW CODY and SALLY BLANE Friday and Saturday GEORGE O'BRIEN in in "The Rainbow Trail" Consider your Adam's Apple! Dear Mr, Bangroft: Mr. George Baiigroft, Hollywood, California. Dear Mister Bangroft : I have just came from seeing you in "Near Beer" and honest Mr. Bangroft, you great big strong man, you arc terrible. And get this, mug, I don't think you ever slayed nobody besides a lot of dime-store babes. A real boy could push you over like a snort of oolong. Sometime when you get tired of the Campfire Girls just drop around, only learn to hold a rod like it wasn't a pair of handlebars, and quit leading with your right. With best personal regards, Tony (Blister) Scorpioni, 3217 Union Avenue, Chicago, Illinois. — Notre Dame Juggler. She: Where is your chivalry? He: 1 turned it in for a Ford. -California Jf'ampus. Exchange Number 19 I Hereby Promise That If I ever get Love letters From a boy Who always describes His job, His value to the company, His trip to the dentist. His love for me. His desirfe to see me. His job, His value to the company. His trip to the dentist. His love for me, His desire to see me, His job, His value, His teeth. Me— I shall read it And probably be Greatly thrilled, — BUT— I won't inflict It Upon my roommate ! — Carnegie Tech Puppet. "I suppose, Henry," said the old gentleman to his new son-in-law, "that you are aware that the cheque for fifty thousand dollars I put among your wedding presents was merely for effect?" "Oh yes, sir," responded the cheerful Henry, "and the effect was excellent! The bank cashed it this morning." — loiva Green Gander. AW OI~D Sf^CT ^MAKL^l^ — Georgia Tech. Yellozv Jacket NOW EVERY MAN CAN SMOKE A PIPE ^rinmess KAYWOODIE mellon^ your smoke no other pipe does it Completely different from any other pipe, past or present. New, exclusive alloy now cools your smoke, removes harsh "bite. "And amplifies the true tobacco flavor. This great discovery does to your pipe-smoke ivhat the modern refrigerator does to your food. Years of work in our own laboratory and tests by a great University made it pos- I r> 7 ~ j See lioiu it luorks sible. Beware of imita- tions, all genuine pipes stamped "Drinkless." Smoothes. 50,Thom^4. (Above, No. 24, with the new Ambera mouthpiece and Svnchro-Stem.) ©1931, Koufn And for cigarette smokers: New Tobacco Yello holder . & Bendy, Inc., Empire State Building, New York City 20 The SIREN n/inois' Only Co-ufiirdtifi linoksloris ILLUSTRATED Editions of DOLLAR BOOKS Well printed, attracti\e bindings, good paper, \ allies up to $5.00. SALOME Oscar Wilde PLEASANT QUESTIONS OF LOVE Boccaccio BARON MUNCHAUSEN THAIS Anatole France GREEN MANSIONS W. H. Hudson SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY Laurence Stern •and many others f r*rk ITHE STUDENTS' SUPPLY STORESl 203 South Mathews ITli)an;i GIO East Daniel ('hainpaii;!! "I've asked you time and again not to knit while I was eating spaghetti!" —Wisconsin OclufKS QUICK THINKING A college student arose from his table in a fashionable dining-room and walked toward the door. He was passing the house detective at the entrance when a silver sugar bowl dropped from his bulging coat. The guest glanced calmly at the officer, then turned with an expression of polite annoyance toward the occupants of the room. "Ruffians," he said, "who threw that?" And walked out. — Stanford Chaparral. Once there was a Scotchman who (would you believe it?) got himself engaged. The girl ate too much to suit him. He decided to break the engagement, but the girl had eaten so much, and gotten so fat, that she couldn't get his ring off. So he had to marry her, anyhow. ■ — Washington Columns. "Do you suffer from pink toothbrush?" "Yes." "Then why don't you get a green one?" — Texas Longhorn. Daughter, your hair is all messed up. Did that younj man kiss you against your will? He thinks he did, mother. — Chicago Phoenix. Janitress in the Theta house: "I was never so insulted in my life. He thought I was one of the co-eds!" — Northicestern Purple Parrot. Exchange Number 21 'Say, Eve, how would you like to go to Hell?" Pcini Sl^lc Fi-olh The Winner/ Th£ New One Minute. Cough Drop "Hie Oae Mcnute Sensation/ Kissing a girl who k-ts you is like scratching a place that doesn't itch. — Loff. Song for Modern Kiddies We rather like the new doll, We love its subtle sneer ; Our "oh yeah" and "sez \ou" doll Has such a wicked leer ; So take away your old dolls The never over-bold dolls, The do-as-you-are-told dolls Are toys of yesteryear. When daddy's bed-time stories Become a trifle stale With oft repeated glories He won at dear old Yale, No longer will they bore us, Our dolls will answer for us ! With one sarcastic chorus In one derisive wail. There are too many staid dolls Who only say "mamma" ; Decorous Mauve Decade dolls Who cry or squeak "hurrah"; Give us a peppy plaything! A cynical blase thing, Whose repartee is scathing With "sez you" and "oh yeah." M. I. T. Voo Don. CR.GRUBB^^CO. En^rewers CHAMPAIGN. ILLINOIS. 22 The SIREN Eot Only the Finest Meadow Gold Ice Cream It's "Smooth Frozen" Made by Champaign Ice Cream Division Beatrice-Meadow Gold Dairies, (Incorporated ) Formerly Chanipaijrace and lo\eliness. Shaliuiar, per ihiini lJ)9 S/idlimar face and talc it ni powder 2.00 Shalimar Eaii de W'^etul LOO Shall mar Lipstick L50 Lin perfume, dram Lh9 nine Hour perfume, drain LOO Kamerer Brothers Pharmacies Champaign Urbana Stores of Distinction MEET YOUR FRIENDS at HOOVER'S Hai7' Cutting Parlor Union Arcade Buildini rhe Kralcrnity Dance (By nut liliu li/is never Ixin) \a)w lijihts . . . beautiful women . . . gracetully lioatiiin ahdur the floor witti the most beautiful creation in the sdiool . . . \\ hole beehives of them about the floor . . . genteel politeness . . . cordial hospitality . . . warm good fellowship . . . gentle harmony of the most expensive orchestra in the town . . . the thrill of HER presence during the intermis- sion . . . murmured conversation . . . exotic and charming fragrance of silken gowns . . . beautiful and original decora- tions . . . nectar-like punch and the dainty titbits which ac- company it . . . total exclusiveness of the affair . . . the sense of being somebody . . . the ride home . . . the lingering good- nigiit kiss . . . the pleasant memories. (By one 7(7/0 knoics) The apparent lack of any decent women to dance with . . . nightmaiish and feverish blaring of the fifteen dollar a night band . . . the horrible efforts of the Wellesley fresh- man to get in step . . . crash . . . damn these drunks anyway . . . failure to find any of the hosts . . . the near brawl with a drunken classmate . . . you never did like that sap, any- way . . . the scowls of anger as you cut . . . sickening taste imparted to the punch by the attempts of some misguided soul to spike it with twice as much alky . . . futile efforts of the dead soldiers to be decorative . . . utter lack of other decorations . . . the weak-kneed door committee . . . vain at- tempts to find the girl you brought . . . the screaming females during the intermission where there is no music to hide the noise . . . the soggy macaroons . . . loud talk and louder laughter . . . disgusting spectacle of "red hot youth" . . . cod nods from one or two casual acquaintances . . . that misfit feeling . . . damn the drunks, again . . . the fight on the way back to her house as she attempts to explain why she disappeared for the hour during and after the inter- mezzo . . . the chill farewell and the "If I ever see you again, yoimg lady!" feeling . . . the hang-over next morning. —M. I. T. I'oo Doo. A certain Eastern university, famed for its ten-mile-long asphalt campus and its incurable addiction to night football, finding itself hard hit by the depression, awakened the budding geniuses that slumbered within its walls and con- ceived an idea pregnant with the economic spirit. The football team needed new uniforms. Only eleven w ere bought. When a substitution was made the floodlights were to be turned off and a quick change made on the field of play. It was the first game under the new plan. The full- back was out — out cold in the middle of the first quarter. A substitute was sent in. The lights went out. There was a commotion in the stadium. The ushers forced six co-eds to leave the stands. Next day the six were expelled for carrying concealed flashlights. — Pennsylvania Punch Bote/. Society Number S IREN'S O C I E T Y N U M B E R rK^HTZ. The SIREN IMA» ( )rpli-an Annie Little (li' eve- ning tea when one of the sistern an- nounced that the next time .she and her date went to Chicago they were going to "Grand Hotel." . . . Frank Renwick got a four point eight or something, but it isn't as nice as you might think, for you see he went aroiuid betting people money and dinners that he wouldn't do bettei than a four point five and now there's all of them to pay off — and this is the year of the great drought, you know. . . . The Gamma Phis are still wondering who it was who .serenaded them the other night . . . the first song on the program was f'io/et, and right after that came Kappa Sigma Su'eetheart. ... If Bob Kennedy likes you he will take you over to his apartment and show you the model stage he uses in doping out some of the stage settings you see in Little Titter productions. It has 1200 feet of wire in it, and the plaster cyclo- vama weighs sixty pounds, and don't get the impression that because we remembered these two silh facts about it that it isn't a pretty swell affair, because it is . . . we shouKI like to know very badly if President Chase really puts his feet up on the front .seat as he rides down Wright Street every afternoon, or if it only looks like lie does. WAL^ The SIREN "She loves me, she loves nie not!' Society Number RISSERCH ON THE BOYS Georgie Pulls a Fast One Wuiis wiiz a boy named Georgie Washington, which residide on de banks iiv de Puttomak. Georgie trew siller dullors by de odder benk fer hexercise hevery murning, den he run up de odder benk to get dem beck befiir de redskins skelp de leddy on de dullor. Wuns wuz an hindian wich got fooled by hattempting to skelp de buffalo on de odder side wich wuz a cure fer skelping laddies, cuz de buffalo sez to Pokahantus nun uv your funny stuff beeg boy wich cured de redskins. Across de relly fruni Georgie lived anudder lettle child, wuii Hannabelle, wit gudgeous culls long end coily with Marseillaise, with poimanent, wich wud call to Georgie op frum de odder tenement hevery merning yoo hoo Gujjie! But Gujjie pay no hattention to de gel and look op de street de odder way. Wuns wuz a poy frum houtside de sitty wich cum to cull on Gujjie wich tells to Gujjie that de leetle gel ha- cross frum de tenement in wich he leevs old men hez got a lots uv rocks. Right away Gujjie wunt to play house wit de leetle gel but she now spoins de willains adwences. De flowers wich he sents she tosses frum out de window end de bunbuns she feeds to de leetle dug which hangs about de tenement. Gujjie becomes hexesperated wen he notices de cherry tree wich grows under de window op by de tenement odder. Sweeft like a rebbit he jomp up under de tree to de weendow. Just den he beeutiful coils all yaller frum de goil ill de tenement odder side uf de helly queek haappear een de weendow. (jujjie queek pleeds his case to de goil, but just wen he ees going to pup de queestion de lini frum de tree busts. ' Gujjie full to de grund end de leetle gell leff to beet hell. Queek frum de house cums tieorgies fadder who say in a woice woise den tunder, "Schmeckel! Schweinhundt ! Beedie Beedie! You hef sens like de blodhund." Und swift he pulls frum de pents de belt und leshes de poor dope onmoicifully. Wen he hes leshed heem eento a iether leetle Gujjie pokes op de kopf und say, "Fadder wyfor you beet me so? I hev nod de hintentions uv host down de cherry tree." Und fadder say, "I dunt geev a dem hebbout de cherry tree. But wyfor dunt you peek a better time to mek de luv to de hairess? Now ve hev lust de chence to mek de million dullors to pay off de second mug- gidge on de tenement." Hend so Gujjie hinstead uv becom- ing de fodder uv de leetle keeds frum Hannabelle he becums de fadder uv liees country, wich wuz settisfectory nioch more. Abie Da Link Offen has bin sed dat Gujjie Vashington \os de fadder of his contree, but lettle do pipple rillize dat it vos Abie da Link vich kept it from being tvins. Teenk vunce of dees femmous men. Howcum he hez becum vot he vos? Howcome dat he queet spleeting de rails end sweeft become femmous? Yerrs of risserch he\' ve spended to find dees ouidt, und now ve geeve ull de fecks to de woild. Abraham, de son of Abraham end so on to de Red Sea, was graduated gredvially frum de leetle beckwoods culitch et a tender age. Queek he looks for de job. But does de poor bo\ find de job? Und vyfor ees eet dat Abie deed nut get de job? All because he hes recited hees degree, wheech ees Ph. B., fast to de hex- eminer, who right away teenks he has said Ph. D., hend hemniediately esks seem queestions to which he cannot enscr. So .Abie goes beck to de leetle cul- litch end says to hees old professor. "My good friend, from you I esk de queestion, what shell I do?" Und de old professor weggles de finger frum de hend end says, "Abie, vot you need ees a Ph. D." "O. K. py me," says Abie, "vot do I do?" "It must queek give some risserch," says de old professor. "Risserch?" says Abie, "Vot iss dat?" "I hev no idea," says de professor, "but it must be done." So Abie takes op de rissearch, with a teesis wich is culled "De Private Life uv De Wood-Boring Woim." For de puppose of better observing de life of de woim he becomes de great rell-spleeter. All de day long Abie goes down de rellroad treck spleeting de rells end looking for de woim-holes to inwes- tigate de woim's life. Li de holes he sees de woims taking de beth, he sees dem playing mit bebby, he sees de woims dressing for de huppera, he sees Mrs. Katzenbach's Toisday eve- ning sewing coicle, end at de end of tree months he hes loined a great dill about woims. Den one day.it gives a tunderstoi'in iLud Abie runs to de nearest tree at wich dat day de woims are having de convention. De woims reconnize Abie from de pitcher in all de pep- pers, end say to heem, "Abie, vyfor you hembarass idl de widders hend upphans by looking into de woim- holes?" Lnd Abie looks all suUum end seerious end says to de woims, "Eet ees on account of de teesis wich I must write for de pully sci depput- nieiit." But de woims dunt geef a dem about de pully sci deputtment so dey ull say to Abie, "Abie, my gude friend, eef you veel qvueet de inwes- tigation for de teesis we w'eel sweeng for you de suthern vote." So Abie gives op de teesis for de Ph. D. end becomes de President by de U. S. insted, weech ees a better job perhaps dan de Ph. D. The SIREN Editorial Staff n. F. Mulvihill hsociate Editor Jane Fauntz Irl Kdilor Jo Smith Exchange Editor Marion Irrmann Theater Editor Dorothy Quinn, Hal Jewell, Mary Jane Fithian, Kay Presberg, Martha Pence, Bettie Haynie, Harvey Kring, Lynn Pierce, J. T. Boyd, tJenevieve Anderson, Fred Zeiler, Shirley Day, Norma Goedde, Lucille Cole, J. D. Beatty. Business Staff W. A. Zoeller Advertising Mgr. J. Lyons Asst. Adv. Mgr. Don Butterfield Asst. Adv. Mgr. J. Symons Circulation Mgr. K. Skiles Asst. Adv. Mgr. S. T. Sandell Collection Mgr. J. C. Mitchell Copy Mgr. Miriam Van Buskirk, Doris Gundlach, Harriemae Wangelin, June Smith, Martha Reynolds, Elaine Oeidel I'lililished monthly by thi Knlered as secomi c]as^ tiki Office of public:iti..ii, Illiii mimications. Illinium Irm.ti I i«hts granted to (pllgtHUniOt PuWisliinj! Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. hi- Post-Office at Urhana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3,_ 1879. liiiK Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Addri . 1 hampaign, Illinois. Copyright. 1932. by The Siren. Exclusive reprint Our tim cents zoorth The ticprcsslon may ha\c doiif many things, but there isn't a doubt in otir mind as to that it has made human beings of most of the people around the campus. Penny pinching is no longer confined to certain neighborhoods, anil one is as liable to find real poverty on John Street as on Springfield Avenue as a consequence. The fear that per- haps they will be poor next week too ha.s made many a snob realize that after all there are other values than those rep- resented by bank accounts — especially when one has no way of knowing just how long the bank account will be anything other than something to make conversation about. Oldsters about the place will not ha\e much difficulty in remembering the false, but very substantial, social system of the boom years. Fraternities and sororities jeopardized their existence by building houses that cost more than they could afford and then proceeded to have parties in them that cost more than they could afford — it wasn't long until money began to mean a great deal during rush week. Independent students lived rather high too. One may ask what the rents were at the better dormitories, and if any place on Armory Avenue could beat them, we would be awfully surprised. Clothes cost a lot of money, and most people had plenty of Society Nam her thi'in, ami what is more made a great deal of tlie fact that they had tliem or of the fact that other people didn't. In other words most of us acted like silly children, and what is more, like silly children who were just a triHe ob- noxious. It took something like the comparative poverty of this phenomena, termed the depression for lack of a better name, to jar us out of it. Now we see houses nonchalantly admitting that their house isn't as good as the one across the street, and that their dance didn't cost a third of what the one last spring did. The mortgage is paid regularly, and pledges are openly but nicely informed that they are a result of the depression. In some cases the houses have been forced to merge with an- other in order to keep going. They aren't jeered at as weak sisters because of it either. Independent students find their way very much easier than it ever could have been before. Dates are a lot easier to get, and it isn't half so hard to find a girl who can see that there are times when the most tactful thing to do is to drop a nickel in the hat to pay for her own coke. There never was the clubby spirit that sundry school songs would lead the gullible to expect, but one is liable to get a few honest "Helios" as he walks between classes. People no longer have speaking lists, or preferred dating lists it would seem, thank heaven for that. It seems banal, but at last this place is getting to be just a bit like the movies would have us believe it is. People enjoy others for the reason that they haven't any desire to dislike them now that the element of economic competition has been reduced to its present state. One may tell a Theta that one thinks the Kappa house is pretty swell looking without having that deadlv silence come into the aii'. In tact the Theta will probably tell you that she thinks it is swell too, and uiiat is more mean it — and that loud bird that came from the Twenty-niner in the back row just pro\es our point. Things rirc different. Among the other things we have often meditated on, there is the big-shot situation. In the first place, we have been forced to have them ever since Gertie Stanton in- vented the term BM(_)C, and foisted the clan on \is for keeps. It was too swell a term to drop by the wayside, and if one is going to call people BMOC's one had best have a few big-shots who will realize who is being referred to. It is a bit confusing, though, inasmuch as each group has its own ideas on what constitutes true note. It would be a noble deed of somebody would get up some rules or some- thing so that the general public could see for itself just what was going on — scrapbooks of press clippings, with those ruled out where the celebrities name happens in bold face type in the list of the names on the ushers list for the Woman's League show just because the sophomore she goes with happened to be working on the Illini that night and saw a swell chance to get the name of his darling before the public. Five hour courses in the Cokensmoke, with com- pulsory attendance should be a requisite for the title, with nice little touches like being able to get away with calling everyone, regardless, "pal," or the ability to wear a sweater and no shirt, or to chew gum in class and crack it — the last being the supreme test for the female big-shot. These are but suggestions. But we do wish that some- thing could be done about it all. JiMjmMJ0J0J^ummMMM±- ^\'^^''%^o^ .vi\C^ \)y V OUT To Wunch 8atK in 5Min J \J LADIE/ Invited .-' / 10 The SIREN / take my pen in hand Cliainpaii;n, 111.. Fi-b. .■>(). 1'),^'. Dfar .M\: You sure pulled a ciaiuiy when you tcrtd them cousins of mine that wc aint seen since Grant was a cadet to stop in and sec me if they e\cr \\as going through Champaign. The\ did, and you should a seen them. They conies piling in the house and all of the guys looked at them like they was from a side show or some- thing and they sure looked like it. They up and squats right in the living room and makes themselves right to home. They had Cousin Klmer with them and I guess he is going to college. Anj'ways after they gets all done looking the place over and his ma rubbed her finger over the table and wrote her name on it, she says, "well, Elmer, do you like the place?" He says "yes," and then I gotta get out of this jam, on account of I could see the actives over in the corner laughing at the way he was telling one of the guys who is a big shot down at the Union all about politics. Pretty soon they goes out and gets his bags on account of they was going to park him on me, but I gave them a song and dance about the house being full and everything and we aint got no room on account of it so he says he guesses he can find a room. I guess I got e\eii with those punes in that big red brick shack across the street — I sent him over there. I'm getting .sort of tired of having to ask for money in every letter I write home. If it aint one thing its another around this place, and I got enough on my mind without having to worry about how to make that buck do nie which you sent me in your last letter and which did not even last like a snowball in hell like the old man said on account of my roommate opened my mail and took it on account of 1 owe him nionc\ and he has told everybody and now 1 can't borrow any on account of I am poor credit. How is Pa? I got a new girl, about which I am practically going around and around. She is pretty swell, and her old man runs the gas works at home. On ac- count of I got to buy her a birthday present ne.xt week, I want that you should send me a fin. I told her that the old man was a manager on the Street Car Line at home so I got to buy her a swell present so she won't get nosey and find out that all he ever managed to do on a street car was to get on and off in front of Mike's saloon. And don't you go getting something and sending it to me like you did that time when I asked you for money for some books and you went and sent the books. You sure will fix me up in fine style around this place if you ever send any more of them lousy relation around for everybody to see what kind of a family I got. Once more will just about fix my clock. Your son. Joe. P. S. Please send me some mone\ on account of I got to buy some new pajamas. niiiyville. 111., March 4, 1932. Dn.AR Son: You sure got more nerve that a go\ernment mule writing to me for money to buy a girl a preseilt with when you aint bought me nothing since the hogs et gramma. Your Pa says to tell you that she sure ought to feel at home with you if her old man runs a gas works, and that if he is so dam rich why don't you tr\ asking him for some money now and then. Your Pa hasn't been feeling \ery well since Saturday night when he went on a big one and fell offn the viaduct, and he has been sorta crabby, but he got real mad when he read your letter and he says that he thinks that you are a lily or some- thing since you joined that eating club, and he wants to know if you can't sleep in your underwear just like \ou do at home and like he has had to do ever since he came over and it aint e\er hLut him yet. I just aint got \\\i: dollars, what with banks busting right in my face and taxes and all, and you got a lot of guts asking me for it anyways. You should have had more sense than to go and get a girl who was going to have a birthday, and anyways I aint spent five dollars on a dre.ss which I aint had any of since Heck was a pup or even maybe more. Things is coming to a pretty pass when I got to even buy your girl a present. Your Pa says to tell you that he forgot to mail the letter which I sent to you to tell you that Cousin Elmer was a football player or .something and that Grandpa left him all of his money. I kind of thought you would want him to help buy you and that house of yours some new furniture instead of that ratty looking stufif in the living room. Maybe it is a God's blessing to him that he aint got to live with you, and the food probably is better over there anyways. We have our door bell ringing all of the time now since you left again and the bill collectors aint heard about it yet. There has been some man here about five times this week and he looks kind of sore. He sa\s that \ou would know why he was coming. Yesterday there was a girl and a justice of the peace a waiting tor him out in the car while he came up and asked for you. The\ saiti they would be sm'e and see you when you came home at Easter on account of they wanted to see you pretty bad. There aint no money in this letter, so don't fritter any time away look- ing for it or thinking that I forgot to put it in because I aint. I just aint got any. Lo\e. Ma. Society Niinihcr The gentle art of leaking (An outline for Pu/'lii Spctd'iiir/ I. Rtiidrrs arc a/irncti not to use this outline as it was turned in onrc to a ivoiiian instructor, now married, nho gave it li. It is necessary to open the bridge. This is done by placing your hand under the sleeper's back and pushing it up. C. The sleeper, as he is raised to the vertical, will sound like the bridge as it swings up like a rusty hinge. n. When the leaf of the bridge is vertical, allow it to become the sleeper and he will soon be ali\'e to his siuroundings. Conclusion I. These two methods make up the science of waking. II. If the\ were followed, there would be less ini- pleasantness, fewer headaches, and more enjoyment at the breakfast table. A BIRD IN THE H.\ND 12 / // (• SI K li N Kati' Siiiith Sin^iim "W h, N„( Ink,- All i>l Ale How St. Valentine Came Unto Ye Village of Champagne l^ongc, loii^i- ;ig(j, yea even before \e Dcpprcssioii ; when iiiffhts were cold and ladies bare — oops \e eold and ladies bare — oops \e wronjic statione a^aine — wbcn wolfen roamed \e lande; rich woifen who had gotten inside \e iloor, and poor wolfen in cheap clothing (catch on, Mabel?), even so longe ago was there a village of Champaignc. It was settled by a groiipe of pioneers from ye lande of ye Franks, who named it after yc beverage of ye native heath. Ye "I" was put in \e name after Prohibition, so as not to corrupte ye little ones of \e I ni\cr- sitie. (Riglit \ww is tlu- time for all noii childien who don't understand tea shoppe iMigiish to tuin to tlie lingerie display, which is what you wanted all the time. We could write this in genuine Chaucerese, but this magazine shows no partiality toward English majors). In ye Universitie slaved a lovely maiden named Bettye and a goodly youth named Bobbe.* They were in \e same hygiene class, for ye Eliza- bethans were broadminded. Bothe did yearn for the other, yet did they not know each the other. Being new to ye Universitie they did not know how to remedy ye doleful situatione. So, say ye ancient scribes, time passed and still ye lovers languished in \aine. Bobbe tooke to haunting \e street of his belovede \e luiion carde. Thus doth ye course ot true li)\c runne like a ride in ye I niver- sitie bus. Lo one da\ there camen to ye village an olde man witli a longe white beard. Now \e ancient one was neither a brother of Smytlie, nor was he a senior. So there was uukIu' excitemente and curious crowds CHVCK' about her com- fort. "Are you all right? " he asked. "Quite, dear." "Cushions comfortable?" "Quite, darling." "Not being jolted?" "Oh, no, sweetheart." "Not in a draft?" "No, lambkin." "Then change seats with me." — Washinyton (jOiit/ar's Pmv. Ves, my son, I'm a self-made man. (iee, Pop, that's what I like about you. Vou always take the hiame tor cverythins. WHAT TO SAY When the alumnus at the house who uses the most towels, slaps the most backs, and bellows most heartily over the good old days, comes in after the game yelling: "Roy, how the team of '99 would have ripped up the place with them!" say ye olde upper cutte. Here are suggestions to fill up that ghastly moment of silence: English — Blighty, old fellow, eh what? Odds Bodkins, what would you do? Philosophic — What will be, will be. Phlegmatic — The radio, just turn it off, and a glass of water, would you mind, and a cigarette, too? Linguistic — Ce n'est pas le heat, C'est Phumiditee. Hypachondriacal — Pardon me, my appendix. Collegiate — Oh, yeah? — Ohio State Sun Dial. Society Number 19 THE AUTOMOBILE We want the back seat. Gwan. It's your car. Drive it. Worse luck. Yeh. We're out of gas. Then why don't you turn oft the engine ? Douse the glims. It's getting rather late. I should go- Me, too. Can't get the engine started. It's frozen. So am I. Well, you're no torrid heater your- self. Thanks. Take me home. You know the way. Oh,' yeah? Take me home/ With delight. You don't need to go so fast. I'm in a hurry. So am I. You can't get me there too soon. Agreed. Darling, please don't drive so. It frightens me. All right, honey. Then we'll park here. — U. of Nevada Desert Jl'olf. S "Do they have any restrictions at your university?" "Only one." "What is it?" "Don't get caught." — Washington U. Dirge. S "This vase is over 2,000 years old! Be very careful in carrying it." "You can depend on me. Professor; I'll be as careful of it as if it were brand new." — Cornell IVidou'. S "Give me a kiss." "I will like hell." "That's the way I like them." — Utah Hum-Bug. S Progress, my lad, is when she doesn't tell you that it is her new hat. S "Shall we join the ladies?" "What's the matter, they coming apart?" We have a j*ood selection of Ice Skates. The quality is the best and you are bound to get satisfaction. NESTOR JOHNSON FINE SKATES For men and women For Racing, Hockey, or Figure Skating $4.45 to $8.00 THE CO-OP On the Square MEADOW GOLD MILK CHAMPAIGN SANITARY MILK DIVISION 20 The SI R R N "Alas, alack, Hector, I'm eiigafjed to a girl with a wooden leg!" "Tsk, tsk, Egbert, and have you tried to break it off?" — Bean Pot. S Snob: I don't associate with my inferiors, do you ? Other girl : I don't know, I never met any of your inferiors. — Western Reserve Red Cat. S You: "Don't you think "The Living Corpse" is a swell title for a book?" Me: "No, I think it's unnneces- sary." You: "Whadda ya mean, un- necessary?" Me: "Well, why Living Corpse? Everyone knows they don't have dead men in the armv." Sugar Daddy (adoringly) : Oh darling, my only one! Chorine: Gnertz, and I thought you were a millionaire. — Cornell JFidoiv. S Salesman: "Here is a very nice pistol, lady. It shoots nine times." Fair customer: "Say, what do you think I am — a polygamist?" — Alahanui Ramrner-J aininer. S "Time is ungallant." "Howzat?" "It tells on a woman." — Tennessee Muguump. Our Little Home Mother's in the kitchen washing up the jugs ; leather's in the cellar, bottling up tin- suds ; Sister's in the pantry, mixing up the hops — While Johnnie's on the front porch, watching for the cops. — Texas A. and M. Battalion. The debutante's dilemma: Should she carry Lifebuoy on the B&O? — deorffia Tech Yelloti- Jacket. S "Why is a woman like a sailboat?" "Because they both' make a better showing in the wind." — Washington University Dirge. s "Boy, I had a slick time at the dance. My date was plenty smooth, the floor was slippery, and I was well oiled." — Wisconsin Octopus. First Co-ed: Why do you run aroiuid with those two boys ? Why they're awful pills. Second Same: Yeah, but thar's gold in them pills. , — Tennessee Mugutimp. Eggs mark the spot where the hen i,i . . . —Ohio State Sun Dial... Simile: As scarce as people on the lanipus who aren't selling something. The events leading up to the traj^edy which occurred when they Society Number 21 1st bo (after five days indecision on what moll to take to ax-grinders) : "Say, Lily, gotta pair of scales?" 2nd bo: "Whatcha want wit! a pair of scales?" 1st bo: "I gotta weigh sonic raw matter fer a decision." S Sign in a local haberdashery — PAJAMAS — GOOD ENOUGH FOR FORMAL WEAR — HALF OFF. S A. K. L. : "Sorry but I was ail- ing all night, and I couldn't make my eight o'clock." Pal: "Yea, prof, just ask liim where he was aleing." S Lines, Rather True Your love was of the summer, sweet. Forgotten with the fall. This time of year Requires, dear, The strongest faith of all. — Arizona Kitty Ktit. S And there's the sweet co-ed frosh who thought Corrective Gym- nastics was a course in etiquette. — Arizona Kitty Kat. People ill their right mind Can usually find Something to drink Which leads me to think That we ought to be glad That we haven't gone mad. — Harvard Lam poo n. S If every boy in the United States could read every girl's mind, the gasoline consumption would drop fifty per cent. — Texas Battalion. S Justa lil coke Anna lil smoke Givva lotta hope \o a lil dope. Editor: "Sorry, but I can't use this joke about Dean Turner." Author: "Can't, huh? It was good enough when you printeii it about Dean Clark!" For Health Drink HUDSON'S "Selected" Milk "It's Pasteurized" ALWAYS GOOD ALWAYS DEPENDABLE G.R.GRUBB6CO. CHAMPAIGN, ILLIMOIS. 22 r h c SIREN (U)minii A tt ructions W'c droppccl around to the V'iif;iiiia tin- otht-r (lay to see what was what, and what a surprise! Several of the same shows whidi arc now lia\infi their premiere in New York and Chicago will be here this week. Our old friend, Will Rogers, is here from March 3-5 in a whooping good show — "B 11 s i n e s s and Pleasure," which we don't guarantee to thrill or amaze you, but whicli we unre- servedly recommend to any and ail Rogers fans. Incidentally, if you haven't joined the ranks, this one will pledge you! Will does everything from crooning bar-room ballads to imitating a Damascus fortune-teller. From March 6-^ there will he the play, "Lady With a Past," starring Constance Bennett and Ben Lyon. This photoplay is receiving the highest acclaim from all critics. It portrays the story of a girl considered nice, but altogether too serious and reserved to be alluring. In order to win the boy she loves away from a lady with very much of a past, she decides to acquire one for herself. With the aid of a gigolo she does so ; so much of a past, as a matter of fact, that even the old boy friend is frightened away. Then the fun goes on at even a greater rate of speed. Following this great production come the two old favorites, Clark ( iahic ( wliom vww Bruce Weirick nicntioncd ni a lecture) 'axmI Manon i)a\ics, in "Poih of tiic Circus." Fhis picture will |ila\' at the Virginia through the 12th. The toilowing productions will he presented at the Park during tiie coming month — many of them are those \ou wanted to see and didn't. Herc'^ \our chance! On March 2, liclcn Chandler, in "Salvation Nell"; on March 3, 4, Douglas I'airbanks Jr. in "I Like Your Ncr\c"; on March 3, Buck Jones in "Ridin' for Justice"; on IVIarch 6 Richard Bartholmess in "Last Flight" ; on March 7, 8, Mary Rob- inson in "Mother Millions"; on March Q, Lois Moran in "Reckless Living"; on March 10. 11, "Are These Our Children?"; on March 12, Hoot Gibson in "Wild Horse"; on March 13, Joe E. Brown in "Local Bo\- Makes Good"; on March 14, 15, Lois Moran in "Men in Her Life"; on March 16, Evelyn Brent in "Pagan Lady"; on March 17, 18, Chick Sale in "Star Wit- ness"; on March 19, Tim McCoy in "One Way Trail"; on March 20, Winnie Lightner in "Side Show" ; on March 21, 22, William Powell in "Road to Singapore"; March 23, Claudia Dell in "Left Over Ladies" ; March 24, 25, Boris Karloff in "Frankenstein"; on March 26, Buck Jones in "Range Feud" ; March 27, lames Cagney in "Blonde Crazy"; .March 28, 20, Walter Houston in "Ruling Voice"; on March 30, Bebe Daniels in "Honoi- of the F'amily" ; and on March 31 and April I an all star cast in "Penrod." S Ship's captain to new man: "Well, my boy, same old story, I suppose, the fool of the family sent to sea ?" Aspiring seaman: "No, sir. That's all altered since yom' day." S 1831: He gazed down into her trusting little face, and patted her affectionately. 1931: He gazed down into her trusting little face, and petted her affectionatelv. One of those dear old fashioned gentlemen: "May I kiss your hand?" She: "What's a matter, is my mouth dirty?" — Alabama Rariimrr-JaniiiK r. s "And you still maintain that kisses are the languages of love?" "Of course, Willie." "Then how about talking it over?" — Indiana Bored Walk. Prof. Burley: Are you sure you haven't your dates mixed? Precious Darling: Why — this is Friday, isn't it? — Indiana Bored U alk. Caught this unspeakable person pulling that ancient Socii'tv Numhcj- 23 The Evolution of a Line Frosh : "Did anyone ever tell you you're pretty damn cute?" Soph: She: "My religion is heauty. ' He: "I'm inclined to belie\e in it too, looking at you." Junior: "You're made-up pretty neat, kid." Senior: "You'll do, babe. " S Haughty Lady (entering sea food market) : My man, three two pound lobsters, if you please. Fish Man: Yes ma'am, shall I wrap them up? Haughty Lady: I think you had better, my man. I don't believe they know me well enough to follow me home. — Banter. Judge: You are charged with hitting your wife on the head with a bottle of gingerale. The Accused : Youse got it wrong, judge; de ginger ale was charged. — California franipus. S Botany Prof. : When do leaves begin to turn ? Voice from the rear: The m'ght before the final exams. — California U'aiiipiis. S Mary had a little lamb As pure as driven snow And everywhere that Mary went The lamb was sure to go, It followed her to U. of I. Which was against the rule. It made the boys all laugh to see So pure a thing in school. S Mistress Mary Mercenary How does your bank account grow? With wedding bells and bridal veils And limousines all in a row. S Our walls do not a prison make, No class room is a cage. The Deans have for the students, sake Begun to act their age. No cuts will be recorded now But this thought worries me How to remain in school and how Enjoy such liberty. SMOOTH or SHAGGY? ^HICH shall it be? The sood old grads are attacking the Eastern colleges and call- ing names. It all came about because their football teams didn't win. If you want to know why, read HENRY MOTON ROBIN- SON'S defense of the effete Princetonian in the March COLLEGE HUMOR. Darrell Ware again writes a smooth story about LITTLE BLACK CLOUD; and the smoothest novelist of them all, DONALD HENDERSON CLARKE, has turned out a serial especially for us concerning "Baby Face," gangster's son and college man. Other smooth stories complete an issue that is a tribute to the campus. College Humor M A G A Z I N E The SIREN A MUSING Ten tliousaiul times I'w poiulcrcd, Ami ten thousand times in \;iin. Why every time I have a date It always starts to rain. Did you ever stop to notice Why is a purple cow? Corinthian pillars aren't so soft. Hut who cares about them now? A jug of wine, a paiKled cell and thou Twice two is four and twice four eijiht. Hut let us tap another kejz. And fiddle brislch on the uate. -.1/. /. 7'. Ion Dcjo. AUTOSUGGESTION The modern wall-Hower is the girj who dances all the time. — Ddrtmoulh Jnrk-o'-Lnntcni. S Old lady (to drimk): Yoiuig man. don't \ou know- when you have had enough? Studegcnt: Madam, I don't know an\ thing wlien I've had enough. I'm unconscious. — // iishint/ton Dinjc. S A man went into Cohen's book store and asked, "Have you a copy of Who's Who and What's What, by Jerome K. Jerome?" Cohen replied: "Xo sir, but ve got. W^ho's He and Vat's He (lot, by Hradstreet." — Dicxcrd. S "What is heredity? "Something a father believes in luitil he sends his son to college." — Texas Rdiiycr. UNIQUE Mr. Sicamore Newlywed announces his divorce, with pleasure from Heckey Maude on Friday, July 31, 1929, at Sandamingo, Cal. and is now back in circulation at home \^\^ Tower Park Avenue, Forest 3424. — C/iriict/ic Tech Piif'l^et. S ^ Professor "Ho\'s, are you passing notes back there? " Rear of room: "These aren't notes, they're dollar bills; we're shooting craps." Professor: "Oh, pardon me. " — IJasliini/ton Diri/i . DISTRESS LOST — a lead pencil by Marjorie Weats, blonde, blue e>es. good dancer. Finder please call Hooloday 9998 be- tween the hours of 7 and 9 p. m. — California Pelican. S "Whatcha got?" "Musical instrument. " "What is it?" "Cross between a saxophone and bagpipe." "Instrument, hell! That's a weapon." — The Drcxerd. LOYALTY 'Oy, I am dying — send for a priest quveeck." 'Vat, Abie, you don't vant a rabbi?" 'I should gif heem small pox? Call for a priest." — Buffalo Bison. ^' .'] Wheeze, "Who was that lady I seen you with last ni^ht," etc. -Kebraska .4u:, ^^hen three's not a crowd \\ hen there's an important selling job to be done, after hours, on some moonlit roadway, or shadowy campus drive, nothing gets >ou off to a better start than one ot those new sport roadsters being built by Chevrolet. The front seat has plenty of room for the great American blonde, yourself, and several tons of raccoon coat — as well as a second blonde, if you believe in numbers. Then, if some offensive male decides that he'll go along too, there's a pleasantly remote rumble seat, where he can be placed in cold storage indefinitely. In addition — with Syncro-Mesh and Free Wheeling, you can let the car practically drive itself. Chevrolet's six-cylinder motor runs so noiselessly that you can put across your personality without using a gold-lined megaphone. And just as the Chevrolet Six never cramps your technique, it never cramps the allowance, either. Gas, oil, and servicings can be paid for, with plenty of change left over tor cover charges and refreshments. And as for first-cost — well, bless your soul — just snap on the bifocals and take a look to the right! NEW CHEVROLET SIX The Great American Value for j(^j2 The Sport Roadster, $405 Twenty beautiful new models. 475 '« '660 al prices ranging from All pricrs j. o. b. Flint, Mich., sprcial ^quipmfnt extra. Low d,l,:rrrd pncrs and easy C. M. J. C. term.:. ChevroUl Mnlor Company, Detroit, Michigan. Division of General M'lion. NATURALLY FRESH never parched, never toasted! The cool, flavorfuI/>«/^;;f.(.vof Camel cigarettes is purely a natural product. It is attained not by any mysterious processes, but simply by preserving the full natural good- ness of fine sun-ripened tobaccos. These choice tobaccos of which Camels are blended — fine Turkish and mild Domestic tobaccos — are never parched or toasted. On the contrary we exercise every care and precaution to safeguard the natural moisture which is infused with their mildness and flavor. That's why the Camel Humidor Pack is such a boon to Camel smokers — it could do little or nothing except for the fact that the cigarettes we put into it are fresh to start with. To see what that means in cool, smooth, throat- friendly smoking pleasure, switch to/r«/j Camels for just one day — then leave them, if you can! R. J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO COMPANY, II mstoti-Stilem, N. C. R. J. Reyiioltis Tobacco Company's Coast -to-Coast Radio Programs CAMEL QUARTER HOUR, Morion Downey, Tony I PRINCE ALBERT QUARTER HOUR. Alice Joy, "Old Wons, and Camel Orchestra, direction Jacques Renard, Hunch," and Prince Albert Orchestra, every night except ever>' night except Sunday, Columbia Broadcasting System 1 Sunday, National Broadcasting Company Red Network See radio page of local newspaper for time © 1M2. R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company Don't remove the niohture • proof wrapping from yoiiy paclmge ofCameh after you open it. The Camel Humidor Pack is protection against perfume and powder odors, dust and germs. In offices and homes, even in the dry atmospl>ere of artificial heat, the Camel Humidor Pack delivers fresh Camels and keeps tlnrn right until the last one has been smoked Camels 3ladc ¥n¥.SVk — Kept FRESH THE DAILY ILLIN VOLUME CHAMBANA, MARCH, 1932 JAMES STOCK' BOTTOM, TOP, AT OLYMPll«iWTS Stock Judging Team Wins Prize; No Other Teams Compete The I'niversity's stock jucigins' team was awarded first and last place in the Olympic try-outs held at Hank Hannah's farm yesterday forenoon. The boys will be sent to represent Dillyville at the district meet. Expenses will be defrayed from the profits made on the dance which will not be held this year at the dairy barn as usual due to ob- jections raised by Marier Renard. \>in Prize The lioys should have received fii'st place as Hank had carefully selected the stock and the boys had memorized the points of each. How- ever, in the confusion, Harv Kring's jirize pigs broke in and were mis- taken by some for Hannah's blooded stock. The team was awarded the lirize as no other team competed. Professor Bull The team is coached by none other than our own Prof. Shootsa Hull, and should go far in any com- Iietition. The members are Hank Hannah '32, capt., Harv Kring '37, co-caiit., John Brown, transfer stu- dent, co-capt., and O.scar Butch, nia>be. co-capt. POSITIONS OPKN There are several very important ^■sitions open on the editorial staff W the Daily Illini which may be ap- plied for by freshman every day after 6 o'clock in the offices in Tni versify hall. AsiXiiJ-'^Tsl^mld bi*' liorn of poor but be more than need a good tenor prett Weather Forecast l'"aii- and warmei-, with i-ain, maybe, and a strong East wind. \isibility good, high ceiling. The Illini is always happy to in- form as to the condition of the weather. Just call 41S1, and one of fr St. Bernards will answer ather they know an\tliin;; al)Out or not. \ 4^ Left..RightOut Actor Spirited Away in 'Blue Auto; Strand of Rope Traced to Pi Beta Phi House May Be Kidnaper Clue Child Snatching Reported to Police at 1:50 This Morning by Inmate of the Chi Omega Estate; Believe Tragedy to Have Occurred at 1:45 Number ISccinse "I'.ellc" llerriiii; has a (late toiiiglit, his cohimn, Kinn- pus In .\ctivitics, will not appear in today's issue. However, we fear that the above mentioned column will appear in some of the fortlH'iimin^ Issues of that other publication on this cam- pus that masipu'rades under the name of I'he l>ill.\ Illusion, the shameless pla;;iarisls. By MORRIS (iRKKLKV URBANA, 111., June 21, — James Luneburg '32, dramatic actor par excellence, was kidnaped from a room on the east side of the third floor of the Chi Omega mansion between 1:35 and 1:50 o'clock this morning. Miss D'Orsay Connors, inhaliitant of the Chi Omega ^tmansion, discovered L u n e - biu'g's a))sence at 1:50 o'clock, and called the police officials D. CONNORS IMPLORES KIDNAPERS TO WATCH LITTLE JIMMY'S DIET By KATHEKIN "SOB" SISTER URB.VNA, June 21.— (Special.) — With a silent supplication in her heart that the kidnapers of James lAineburg will show at least a trace of human mercy, that their attitude will be tempered with the milk of human kindness. Miss D'Orsay Connors asked me today to write these requests to them. "If they don"t give Jimmy the right things eat and drink he will suffer from violent attacks of meloncholia." she said, a tear in her voice. "He must have three quarts of Ijlack coffee through the day, one and one- half taljlespoons of sugar tn oip. ••( )n ■aking uji ^fklJ afternoon, he should have fifteen drops of Three-Star Hennessey diluted in a water glass full of root beer. He must also have three teaspoonfuls of white bread soaked in water. ""1 Mease shine his shoes once a day. and don't say anything to him that might accentuate his inferiority complex. By all means get him to cut his hair; use force if necessary." at once. She was the last i)erson to see Luneljurg before lie was kid- napeil. She left him alone in the room when she went down.stairs to change her shoes. Bolice and a student at the Uni- versity of Illinois who asked that his name remain undivul.ged say that Luneburg was apparently spirited away in a blue two-door Ford sedan. The witne.ss said that he was w"alking in front of the Chi Omega mansion about 1:45 when he saw somebody carrying a lar.ge sack make an exit from it. "I tried to .get a good look at the person who was walkin.g out, but all I could figure out was that it was a young woman dressed in men's clothing". .She hurried iiast me. tossed the bundle into the buck of the car, got into it and drove away at a teriffic speed." .\notlier possible clue is a strand of heavy roi)e which has been identi- of one of the lich every room mansion is equipped. The Pi Beta Phi estate is situated near Chi Ome.g"a. All the roads leading" from the mansion have been closed by police orders. The state militia has l3een summoned to scoiu- the nei,ghbor- hood in the attemiit to rescue Lune- berg". l.,unebur.g was wearing grey trousers, a white shirt, and black shoes. His hair had not been cut for five weeks according to a statement made by Jliss Connors. .et's all go to Turkey... ^^"v2i^^jN^5:^'t ^ Eastward ho! Four thousand miles nearer the rising sun — let's go! S^^CI^^j^I^^'v'b?*: To the land of mosques and minarets. Let's see this strange, strange "^ji^^^lSa^KP^"^-' country. Let's see the land where the tobacco* grows in small leaves on slender stalks — to be tenderly picked, leaf by leaf, hung in long fragrant strings, shelter-dried and blanket-cured. Precious stuff! Let's taste that delicate aromatic flavor — that subtle difference that makes a cigarette! ccnur 0} litit.iy, LhtiUrJuiU h.ii its own tobacco buyers. XANTHI • CAVALLA • SMYRNA Yamous Turkish Tobaccos SAM SO UN *Turkisli tobacco is to cigarettes what seasoning is to food — the "spice," the "sauce," You can taste the Turkish in Cliester- field — there's enough of it, that's why. Four famous kinds of Turkish leaf — Xanthi, Cavalla, Smyrna, Samsoun — go Wrapped in No. 300 DttPont Moistun-Pronf Ctllophane . . . the Best Made into the smooth, "spicy" Chesterfield blend. Just one more reason for Chest- erfield's better taste. Tobaccos from far and near, the best of their several kinds • — and the right kinds. That's why Chesterfields are GOOD — they've got to be and they are. Music that Satisfies Every night {except Sunday) ,10:30 Eastern Time, Cottimhia Coast- to-Cnast Network. Finest Turkish and Domestic Tobaccos Blended and Cross - Blende d I Hint N urn her JOE, THE BLOOD, HINTS AT GANG WAR TO SAVE MOLL "TIktc aim no mug who can take my babe away fioin me!" said Joe, "The Blood" Sing Sing ex'25, in an ex- clusive interview with an Illini reporter late last night. "I just aint gonna stand for it an that's all there is to it. I'll poke in that guy's mush. It's about time I got a chance to use some of the stuff I learned from dear old Professor Mike de Pike back at Sing Sing — "Joe's face grew melan- choly and he brushed a tear from his eye with the elbow of his sleeve — "if this chiseler don't stay in his place he'll wake up some morning and find it burned down, pal, an dat's the goods. I aint responsible when some mug tries to get my babe, and my gang what is in the Pierrot show Pl'atta Racket will help me take him a ride. Joe, who is a member of the trovip who is playing at the Lincoln Hall Little Titter April 15, lb, 22, 2.3, is a pretty lough gu\', and Champaign-L'rbana police ha\e thrown a dragnet over the city in an effort to instantly quell any gangster activities which might be the result of one of his maudlin rages. His consort, a woman who goes by the name of Amarilus Irish, has been seen sitting on the front porch of the Theta Kappa Nu house every evening at eleven o'clock sharp during the last week, and local police are sus- picious, they say. Something may develop any minute now, and they are watching closely. Police Captain Okedokey has reserved the position at the keyhole for himself. Gangster activities ha\e been particularly quiet in tiie Twin Cities, and Captain Okedokey is particularly anxious that they remain that way. Police Captain Okedokey in an exclusive interview with an Illini reporter late last night said that .so far as he was concerned he was damn sure that it is that bunch of Pierrot punks over at that show that they are putting on in Lincoln hall that are pulling the most of the stuff that's making it so that an honest guy can't go out of doors at night, or get a decent glass of home brew for two bits any more on account of the notions they are put- ing into the boy's heads. Police Captain Okedokey lives on Wright street right across the street from the theater. The plot of the attraction at the theater involves the action of a gang who are doing their best to get along in the world by peddling alky, and the home talent are under a bad influence, the police force feels. As a result of the in- fluence of the production, the beerflats are getting too up- pity, is Captain Okedokey's opinion. The very peculiar actions of a member of the cast known as "Mill," and the manner in which she acts perfectly at liome about the Presidential mansion has lead to much tongue wagging, in campus circles. "I do not know the hussy, and what's more do you think I'd say I knew her if I did?" said President Cha.se in an in- terview with an Illini reporter late last night. Police are throwing a dragnet about the grounds of the mansion in an attempt to capture her as she lurks about the place. The Prodigal Has Returned.., "Meet the gang" at PREHN'S On Green — On Oregon — On Daniel Mill work Lumber Builders' Hardware QUALITY—SERVICE Thompson Lumber Company Neil and John Streets Phone 3838 CH.\MPAIGN T he SI R I{ N NEW SPRING NECKWEAR Our new spring stock of men's neckwear is most elaborate. Not in years ha\ e the silks been so beau- tiful, and the values so great. Pastel shades in plain colors, checks, and small neat figures are the new pat- terns for Spring. .69 and $1. CARSON-MOONEY 619 East Green Street J. Geo. Johnson Upholstering Furniture Repair and Picture Framing Shops 116 West Park Avenue Champaign Simple Pome '1 luT wuncc wuz a teechur uv french whose mind wuz extreeniingly klassy & this 4 wuz the mottoe he hung on hiz wall — a simple "NO VERBEK, NO PASSEE." Wen stewdents wur dumn or demented or wen thay wur stewpid & sassie he spiittercil witli raje lylce a beest in a caje & showted "NO VERBEE, NO PASSEE." Wun day in a spell of defyance wun bo\' gott a littul 2 spuiikee the Prof screemed & kusst-d & yelled till he bust theze wurds : "LITTUL MONKEE, YOU FLUNKEE!!" ^ — Gritincll Miilteascr. S "Hoover's gittiii' glum,, jamie — it's prezidentchul leep year." — GrinncU Malteascr. S Diag: "But, Joe, 1 can't marr\ you. \ou're almost penniless." (jish : "That's nothing, the Czar of Russia was Nicholas." — Jininprilis Lay. ////»/ Niitnher Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Con Entered as second-class matter at the Post-Office Office of publication. Illini Publishing Company. S munications, Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Jllinu 1 ights granted to CIlgtHUlnOr magazine. Ou7^ tzw cents zmrth This, dear public is The Illini Number on which the boys and girls who work on the Siren have been laboring far into the night for so long a time that it makes us a bit faint to think of it. So far as we have been able to discern with the naked eye, none of their copy which we have used has maliciously dealt with the more or less famous names which are bandied about in it. We should feel very badly indeed if any of the people who own the famous names should be angry, including those of our senior brethern who do their share of the typewriter pounding over in Uni Hall to furnish us with such a beautiful paper to read o\er oui coffee every morning and to giggle right out loud at every now and then. Due credit for labor on the cover is given to Morrie Katz, that old cover laborer, who worked many hours upon it and the copy on the inside of the magazine. The Siren will perhaps feel the lo.ss of Harold Bowen more keenly than any other of the campus activities in which he participated. He was a member of the staff from the freshman year when he toiled for Al Wharfield, and rose to the comparative heights of art editor as a junior. Hal's death means the loss of a good worker and a fine fellow. The SIREN ASH CAN DEATH SETS CAMPUS ALL A-TWITTER Uni Hall Janitor Discovers Crime as He Returns to Daily Duties 1 he head ol a picrr\ bloiuif youii;: woman was louiul in an ash can in tin- basenuMit ot L nivcrsit\ Hall today when the janitor was doinj; liis regular wcckh cleaning. The janitoi-, W^illiani l.utcli, re- ported the liiscoveiy to the local police, who airi\ed on the scene at once, due to tlie fact that the chief was losing in a game of poker. Every one in the building was held for questioning. Careful investigation of the scene revealed no clues. Was a Blonde The head -was that of a light haired blonde. It has been carefully severed from the body just below the ears. The police, although they re- fuse to give any theory as to the e\- plaination, suspect that a crime has been committed. Every effort is being made to identify the person. Students, in- structors, and house mothers are asked to co-operate with the police in an effort to locate the botiy. Embarrassed ■'Imagine ni\ embarrassment, " darner told newspapermen today, "when 1 discovered the head there. It could not have been there long, as I remember of emptying the ash can last week." A piece of ridtchook paper has been founded wadded in the left ear of the head by the local police in their in\estigation. "The paper had se\eral pencil sketchings on it, and some unintel- ligible statements which might be lecture notes," Chief of Polich Mutch stated, "and with this clue, we have proved concluseively that the note had been taken in Profe.ssor (Contiiiiieil on I'a^f Id) FINDS BODY William l.iit' late hour last night. "We will have present only the cream of the crop — the supreme fools. From this ultra seelction the King and Queen fools will be picked — in other v\-ords, the greatest fools, masculine and fem- inine. Who they are, however, is a closely guarded secret that cannot be divulged at this time. U) The SIREN PILL PROGRAM 8:00 a. in. — St'ttiiig up c-xcrciscs b\- Robert Zuppke. 9:00 a. in.— Dr. j. W. Biar.i, talk: "The Situation Is Not Alann- iiijl- 10:00 a. in.— ".My I'rivatc Liti-," by announcer Schoolc\. 10:01 a. m. — Wlictlu-r reports — probably all wet. 11:00 a. ni. — Parent's torLini ( wc don't know what rhe\ are tor — but iiere's to em)- 12:00 a. m.— Dr. jekyli. famous dietician, listeners cour.se: "VViiat 1 Do With My Asparagus Tips." 1 :00 — Chi (^niega Pelicans — "What a Fuel 1 have Been." 2:00 — Intermission. Announcer passes out. 3:00 — Prot. Schliven, organ solo: "Would That I Were A Billions Hall," by Masse: words by Kelly Pool. 4 :(I0— Thomas Arkle Clark, talk: "My Ventures in the Stock .Market. " Assistant Dean of Men. Parker Livingston will hold the bag. 5:00 — Aussie Harding will play "Taps" on a solitary flute. 6:00— "Out to Lunch." 6:01 — Signing off — ASH CAN DEATH STIRS CAMPUS (Cimtinued fi-diu Pa.sie 4) Pease's history lecture." Prof. Pease said he rcmenibeicd a student in 1927 wliom he saw- taking notes on several occasions dur- ing the year. He gave the police the name and a description of the stu- dent. Police refuse to reveal what was told them by the professor, hut Chief Mutch said that they e.xpcct to make an arrest soon. The identity of the xoung woman is still unknown. The techiu'(pie with which her lipstick has been ap- plied suggests Ziegfeld follies girls, but none have been seen to appear on the stage headless. WHAT HO! GHANDI ISSUES STATEMENT CUMBALL. .Mi.ss., Mar. 14. — Mahatma (liiandi conlirmed re- ports tliat he is the father ot .\Liti H,ur\, wiio is now enjoying seclusion on the Islaiul ot ^ ap. In an e\- clusue statement to an llluu reporter tills morning Mr. (ih:uiili s:iid, hitcii- ing his trousers: "T ake me picture boys just as soon as I milk this goat. Yes sir. What you say is true. Allan be durned. .\Lati is my little datter b\' my ninth wife, Lydia Pinkham. Yes, 'deed, I met Lydia when she was rooming with Ma Ferguson down at Illinois They was both P. O. P's. Well, I was working my way through school, and I was deliverin' goat milk to the P. (). P. house, and, boys, every girl there broke her pledge and became a M. (). M. 'Yes, sir, I was a what-a-man them day.s — used to get me picture in, believe it or not, almost every da>. After Lydia and me got married we decided to enter the racket so we bottled u|-) the goat ,and set the boys and girls agoing. That was until we met up with the anti-saloon league, w hat got mad on account of we was rutting our stuff. (lee. e\e]i now, \ou can't get a drink without it being cut. "ALiti w:is weaned on Capone's stuff — even \our own fodder you shouldn't tiust. But the poor kii! was just like her Old Man, heh, well — she was Hotcha ! Then those French babes got a hold of her be- cause they were jealous. We ne\er saw her since. "Veh, ain't seen .M;i — she run off with Te\, but 1 guess I .'lin't half the gu\ 1 used to be or she would.i come b.ick. \W'\\. hers and guils, that's m\' stor\- and I'm stuck to it. Be- fore \ou go, gimme a |iin of \ou fellows, will vou ? BUTCH COFESSES HE PERPETRATED ASH CAN MURDER Student Says He Killed Blonde; Is Proven to Be Insane D. 1). Butch e\'27. confessed toda\ that he had beheadetl a blonde woman and placed her head in an ash can in Uni Hall on February 2. The confession sohes the biggest mystery since the notorious shooting of Cock Robin by a Mr. Sparrow. "I did it with my little hatchet," Butch confessed, "I do not wish to lie about it." Butch was declared insane by Dr. Hutch, local physician, after se\'eral houis of observing him. In- sanity was first suspected when Butch said he had taken the notes in Prof. Pease's lecture, which were found on the scene of the crime. He claims no honor for the act he com- mitted, saying that it was suggested to him by the Father of Our Countr\-, whom he greatly admires. Butch will probably be released and gi\'en a position on the faculty here. Cle\er people, these Chinese. P.ASSES DOCTOR.A.TE Joe Cornelius '15 passed his tests for the doctorate in Fine .Arts yes- terda\'. .According to his own ex- clusive statement to an Illini reporter ver\- late last night he had been pre- p:iring for the exams since the spuri- ous armistice was announced. His thesis was "Pornography and Its In- fluence on Modern Art." HOT.A.IR IN PEOTONE Prof. Charlie Hotair, head of the botany department, left the campus toda\ for Peotone \\-here he will speak before the Pansy Ix)\ers society on "The Remarkable In- crease in the Number of Fruits Since 1''2^ and How to Coiie A\itli the Situation." Illini Number Rumpus In Activities l!.\ Siiu'llsDiiie I). "Helle" Heirini; ';;■; FIND GIRL'S PHOTO Yes sir — it's like looking for a sober A. O. Pi at the Axe Grinder's ball, it is, it is. That is, I mean, it isn't very often that \ou will timl a guy with enough spunk to speak his niiml when he hasn't had a few drinks to open up his mouth. That's exactly why, folks, that I'm presenting my stream-lined moustache cup and three passes to the Hay- market Burleque to Leopard "Try and Finder" for the way he has his say. His eloquence is suggestive of Joe E. Brown singing with his mouth filled with corn meal mush, no more, no less. Of course, folks, you want to send some letters of testimony to me on account of my courage in publishing the true story of his attack on the lounge lizards that habitate the A. K. L. home- stead. It seems that one of these boys was making an attempt to drive a railroad spike through a strawberry box out around the Colum- bia hotel, exclusive, whereupon some disgruntled tenant, resentful at being awakened, emptied his wrath and a spitoon upon the brow of the said Al K. Hoi. Of course, our insolent Al K. Hoi took offense at the cuspidor (it's a horrid word, my friends) attack, and hurled the spitoon and some vituperative retorts back at the out- thrust head of his attacker. "Them's torrid words, especial- ly for an A. K. L.," ejaculated the tenant, ''sounds more like the utterances of an A. O. Pi." Whereupon, he be- took himself after the fretful custodian of the strawberry box, who in turn, upon seeing the gargoyle countenance of his pursuer Hed to his fraternal abode. Now of course, it is none of my business what a flat-footed hoot who stamps grapes in Flanders Field gets for his stamping, but I'll be a bowlegged toad-stool if I can see what business the A. K. L. congregation has to attack, en masse, an inmate of the Columbian Hotel. Well, sir, Lep Finder was the one person with spunk enough to lend his assistance to the attacked gargoyle faced inmate of the etcetera et cet. He enlisted the aid of the Hillel foundation, where they were holding the feast of the Hangover, to preach a few sermons to the Alkys, and man- aged to quiet them with a Bakelite pacifier and lecture on Burnt Oflerings. Our hats oft to Finder! — and, Herring. No use have I for false modesty. Did vou ever tr\ tii I iiidentified girl, vietiin of ash eaii iiuiiilii-, in wellknown eaiiipus speak-easy. Photographer had also been drinking millt. write a cohunn ? No easy task, I'll tell you. As you have noticed by now, the farther I get the worse my column gets. T. A. Clark, rest-in-peace, wrote a good column in this paper too. He wasn't bothered so much with fan mail, but such popularity must be preserved. Just to show you how seriously some people take my column, I'll preprint a letter — I call it the "Strange Attacks on Herring" — that I wrote myself in a fit of absent mindedness, being seized with a brainstorm. I was playing Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hvde Inc. "Dear Smell : I'm warning you fer the last time, final, that you are poking fun at me an' my gang. Now as man to man, fellow, the next time you take a swipe at the A. O. Pi's, where my gal resides, I'll challenge you to a bean-bag tournament. Tsk. The T. P. A's deserve the credit, because they just chipped in and bought a bar of soap. If you don't take this advise I'll sue you, Quinn, G. Ha Haase Hommann, who has his moustache trim- med three times a week, and I'll write for Belly Who or Phooey instead." Thass all, and keep your bottles filled. The SIREN WORKHED, LENS SCORED IN UNI BRIDGE EVENTS Phenomenal Hand Wins Honors for Woman Tourna- inent Player Till- first rouiul of the L ni\i-isit.\ bridge tournament was the occasion for some very cagy bridge playing. The high scorers for the evening were Miss Eloiza W'orkhed and H. S. Lens, both of whom ha\e piaud bridge before. Miss Workhed once played before the King of Borneo and was thrown in prison for going cannibal and throwing up her hand. The most sensational hand of the evening gave the Workhed-Lens team a high score of 450 points. Miss Workhed and 1?. S. Lens held the North and South hands respectiv ely ; the pla\- was as follows: North East South West Spades 13 Hearts ....Q1098 AKJ2 7654.^ Diamonds.. 76.32 109854 AKQJ Clubs ....QJ1085 974.1 AK62 Who Dealt East: Who dealt? South: Who dealt? South: Let's cut for it. .North: Dealt and bid a club. South: Are those the things that are all one or three? North: Never mind Ell bid a heart. .My hearts are nearly as good an\ how. Em good-hearted. East: Ell pass. No Ell bid two hearts. Mine are better than his. South: 1 saw the best show last night. Realh my dears, you — West: And your bid is. pidleese? One Spade South: What's \our huriy? I hate these people that are ;d\\a\s in a rush. I like to talk when I play instead of just — . Oh, all right, one spade. How Many Chimes Tower Dear me! .Ml this just goes to show, girls and boys, that you simply cannot depend upon the weather. It was only yesterday that the warm spring breezes were blowing genth .uid .ill the co-eds were ap- pearing in white berets and barefoot sandals. And that reminds us of a fashion tip straight from Paris. The palest pink and blue are the colors to be worn this spring — absolutely the onl\ colors, girls and bo\s. Oh \es, yesterday. It was a beautiful, poetic day. We foimd a little pansy flower blooming through a crack in the sidewalk and we tenderh stooped and grazed it with a kiss. Eo\e was in the air yesterday. Hut toilay, as we left our sorority hovel early to call on our little pansy Hower we were smitten with an icy blast from the north. Our pansy was no more. Eo\e was no more — pink .and blue and manicured toe nails were \anished from sight. Ah me! twas a cold wintrv day. Eoilay we will put up a big long mark on the wall, on account of the Tri-Delt cook isn't going to get one of the dinners that she usually has to on date night. One, to be e.xact. of the girls has a date for the Triad dance, and is she ever going to eat her share of that eight course dinnei at the shindig tonight. (Paid Adv.) ."Ml me! If \ou aint sorry for the itty bitty co-ed who was simple enough to heave her note book into the bone yard the other day just to see if it would float, you ought to be. It had all of her notes for Chem one and two in it, and the ink was that kind that sorta washes out when you apply water, and her instructor is an old crab and he says that he won't let her reail notes as ratty looking as that in any final examination that he gives. Theme song — "Shall we talk about spring or the fashions tomorrow, boys and girls?" West: Thank God. Four hearts. Trumps? North : Four clubs. South : What are trumps ? \Vest : \ ou mean five of coiu'se. North : Spades. I think. North : I said four and I meant South : Hut I ha\e all the spades. four. Oh. I ha\e to bid fi\e, don't East : All thirteen. 1 ? I can't bid five. South \es. West: North bids five clubs. All : .My Ood. Let's send this to East: Pass, damn. Pass South: Oh, I'll pass. West : Eive spades. North: Why go up? \ ou had game bid. I can't see why he goes up. West : Shut up. Sorry. Please shut up and bid. .North : I'll pass. East: 1 h,i\e no spades. What can I do though ? Hy. South: I haxen't the honor count to double. I'll pass. W^est : Will \()u pardon me while 1 go pick a fight with .someone ? North: I'll play the hand. DRAWS CROWD "•Indents lldckini; to liridsi' tduriiaiiicnl led l).v ('. K.'s ////■«/ N limber 'JOE POO-OUTA NO MAT FLASH^ YELPS KANDY ILLINI TEAM IN ACTION I?v Hoi; Hi mgardxer Sfiortint/ Editor Special — Joe Poo-outa, whose maiden name is Joe, nee Mohair (jlutt, was crowned the wresth'ng flash on "Hie" (pardon, sire) Kandy's mat group. Kandy, sweet- toothed leader of the Orange and Blooey, was out of sorts tonight as a result of not getting the nomination for himself. "Of course, ' he echoed, "I'm old and grim like Barney Bill, the sailor, but why should Joshua come along and lift my crown from my head ?" At the instigation of his team- mates, Joe, who \\as known as tlie "unknown" till Kandy discovered him passing out bad transfers at the elevated station at State and Congress streets, in de loop, took offense at the bitter words of his antagonizer and grabbing a fistful of marshmallows, smote his coach upon the brow. The coach was no sloucli either, and he retorted by grabbing some bicycle handlebars, and he reco\ered himself in time to pinch his attacker gently on the hip. Poo-outa took time out and waited till the referee counted ten. By this time Kandy went out for a drink and Joshua, or Josh, oiu' hero, was escorted out of the door by your correspondent, still the un- defeated champion that he is today. S GIRL GIRDS FOR DEFENSE Miss Dorothy Quinn says she wishes she had a slingshot. In an extremely exclusive interview with our own correspondent she said, "In these days of modern youth, an inno- cent, comparatively defenseless yomig lady, needs some protection. Owen has just left the floor and IIHnois has the hull ILLINI CAHURE FOURTH STRAIGHT CONFERENCE TITLE Owen, K a in p s , Distinguish Themselves; Put on the Work for the Boys After a live-minute slugfest that at first promised to be interesting, a basketball game last night at the New Gym between the Illini toma- hawk toters and the Minnesota ground-hogs degenerated into a polly- anna now - you - make -a -baskct-and- now-we'11-make-one sort of affair that gave the spectators, officials and majority of the players an oppor- tunit\' to return to the interrupted sleep of tiie pre\ious night. Nothing eventful hapiiened until near the end of the game. Here with the scoie tied at 40 all and one minute left to ]ilay, the Gophers be- came hysterical. At this point Red Owen, flaming guard of the lllini contingent, waxed indignant at a personal affront to his dignity occa- sioned h> Robinson, Minnesota center, pla\fully finger-wa\ing in his general direction. Red immediately went into a sulk and refused to de- liver the ball to the referee. This official began the count at once, hut at the count of four, per- ceiving that the ( lophers had not re- tired, wa\ed them to their corner and began again. At the sound of nine Red remembered a date he had with a certain Theta ( \ou know!), bounced the ball petulantly into the official's breadbasket, and stalked ab- sent-mindedly from the floor. Coach Ruby, scarcely perturbed b\ the events of the e\ening, sent in his big Kamm (shaft) to fill in at guard. The Kamp cousins imme- diately seized the opportunity, and the ball, and flipped in a couple of baskets. While the officials were arguing the legality of this move, Cas Bennett hoisted himself to the top of the south basket and announced his candidacy for the junior class presi- denc>- on the Hybrid ticket. In the confusion that followed, the officials gave the Illini their stolen points and called f(n' a jump at center. With thirty secoiuls left to scrap, the pla\ ers appeared on tlie court and started out acconling to regulation basketball rules. In t\\o tries at the basket, the Illini succeeded in run- ning up theii' total four points, mean time hogging the ball in a sports- manlike maiuier. This won for them the uiulying gratitude of the officials who conceded them the victory at once. At the ciack of the pistol, the band burst into the opening strains of "Sunila\ School Is Over." 14 The SIREN ON THE CAMPUS Delta Delta Delta Delta Delta Delta announces the pledging of Miss Hazel Gilman '32, of fi5() Lake Shore Drive, Chicaj;o. Miss Cilnian is an art student. Alpha Eta Alpha Kta. honorary farmers' fra- ternity, will hold a Hog Calling con- test next Thursday morning at 5 :3(1 on the corner of Wright and (Ireen streets. The prizes will he milking stools in pastel shades. Delta Delta Delta Delta Delta Deit.i announces the pledging of Hazel ( liiman '3,\ of 650 Lake Shore Drive, Chicago. Miss Gilman, formerly a student, has ti'ansferrcil to the Sciiool of Music. Sigma Alpha Epsilon Sigma Alpha l'|isilon announces that they too have heard the rumors to the effect that Herbic Ka\ and Rudy Vallee are members of their or- ganization and have confirmed them. Chi Omega IClma Sawyer '_"), nationally known authority on baked omiettes, re- turned to the campus last week-end. She was the guest of the Chi Omegas. Delta Delta Delta Delta Delta Delta .iniKiuuces tiie pledging of Alice (Jilman '34, of 6 SO Lake Shore Drive, Chicago. Miss Oilman is a music student. Alpha Sigma Nu Alpha Sigma Nu, Honorary Physical education sorority, will hold a Back-to-Nature party on the Rec- tangle at midnight Saturday. Spec- tators are not iinited. Delta Delta Delta Delia Delta Delta announces the pledging of Miss Alice Gilman '35, of 650 Lake Shore Drive, Chicago. Miss Gilman, formerly a music stu- dent, has transferred to L. A. & S. Theta Delta Chi Theta Delta Chi entertained .several of the girls from Kresges at an informal dancing part\' in the basement of the chapter house last night. Mr. and Mrs. Fied Turner, and Wv. and Mrs. Dean Leonard, who dropped in when the part>' was in full sway, acted as chaperones. Delta Tau Delta The Delta Tau Delta house will entertain with a week-end party at the Inman hotel. Transportation will be provided. Delta Delta Delta Miss Alice Gilman e.\'35, is going home for a rest cure. She is suffer- ing from a nervous breakdown and is forced to withdraw from school. ^L'ss (jilman was an L. A. & S. stu- dent. Alpha Kappa Lambda The Alpha Kappa Lambda house will hold a taiify pidl at the Southern Tea Pot. Cocoa will be served. Guests are requiretl to bring their own marshmallows. Chi Beta The Chi Heta prison dance will be postponed because most of the mem- bers are in jail. Anyone wishing to donate bail call R. Preston. Beta Theta Pi Beta Theta Pi will entertain right royalh' with an informal tea Sunday afternoon in the chapter house. The living room will be decorated in pink, and the Honorable Frei! Schnell will pour. Chi Psi The Chi Psi Lawdge will hold their annual rough-house party in the upper parlors of the Women's building this evening. Chaperones will be as follows: Mr. and Mrs. Albert Capone, Mr. and Mrs. Chase, Mr. and Mrs. Joe E. Brown, Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Wei rick, and several house mothers. A three-piece or- chestra will be provided for those who would rather dance. Delta Gamma Delta (iamma house will entertain with a game of pinchy-whincin this afternoon. ^lembers are not re- sponsible for bruises. Kappa Beta Phi Kappa Beta Phi will entertain with a fish fry in the rock garden tomor- row flight. The party will be gin at 8 o'clock. Pi Beta Phi The Pi Beta Phi house will en- tertain with a smoker tomorrow afternoon in the chapter house. Igni- tion will be provided along with chaperones. Twin City Notes Miss Poly Phenius will entertain the members of the society for the protection of mail carriers at 10 o'clock tonight in the upper parlors of the L O. O. F. hall. Post Office will be the main game of the eve- ning, and prizes will be given to the winners. Miss L^na Tached will give an un- covered dish luncheon consisting of cheese tid-bits for the members of the Old ^L^id !VIutual Admiration societ) at 12 o'clock this afternoon in the ALasonic temple. The after- noon will be spent in tatting. The R. S. V. P. sisterhood of the second division of the amalgamated auxiliary to the O. K. T. N. T. will have a secret meeting in the S. O. L. building sometime next week. Spoke Seven of Wheel Four of the Foreign Ladies Missionary society will disciLss the undressed natives at their meeting Tuesday. After the discussion the ladies will disperse. ////■»/ Number 15 One eye that sees better than two ^^W""" "'«^ Makers of telephone equipment cannot rely on their eyes in test- Iteat coils act as tinvfir- cuit breakers, protecting delicate and sensitive equipment from effects of ing a certain type of coil used by the million in central offices. For greater accuracy they utilize the "electric eye" or photoelectric cell. At Western Electric this uncanny piece of apparatus ''stares" all day long without fatigue recording galvanometer readings. C It forms a vital part of a machine for automatically separating One heat coil every second , . —tested by the "electric perfect from imperfect coils. Its use is typical of tlie >vay this organ- eye ■■ at Western Electric. izatiou puts science to practical advantage, d. Here is no blind fol- lowing of tradition. And yet new methods must prove themselves worthy — must be tested as carefully and as thoroughly as the tclc- The human eye can detect no difference hetweenthese T» il o suit-hhoard lamps but the nhoncs Bud tclcphone equipment manufactured for the Bell System. "etectriceye 'canandtloes, I X i m. Western Electric Manufacturers . . . Purchasers . . . Distributors SINCE 18S2 t'UH XHE BELL SYSTEM It) The SIREN Ash Can Murder Probe Continued (( iiiitiniii'd Iriiin I'a: ban-ly cscapcil injiir\ this morning when he was attacked by ii\c hun- dred co-eds as he stepped tiom his car in front of the court house. Statistics from the I'. S. Hureau of Inquiry failed to estimate the relative number of brain cells. "The pij:; has about five hundred brain cells, the monkey has 570, and the average woman abovit seventeen," Dr. L. L. Lutch, nationalK known ps\ch()lof;ist stated. Hoover Acts President Hoover appointed a commission today to investigate the relative number of brain cells possessed by the female of the species, in response to the nation wide con- cern caused by this campus mystery. The local police and the state authorities are co-operating in their investigation, but refuse to say what progress they have made. Howexer, they expect to make an arrest soon. T\\'in City Quiz The Question: What is your opinion of the pro- posal to allow the "Mules" to control Twin City politics? Tin Aimicrs: May Beekid, 9S North Second street, Urbana. "Certainly. Mules for as.ses is a fair enough exchange." O. Nertz, 595 North Lynn street, Champaign. "No, by all means, no. How could these cigarette-smoking, bridge-p laying softies uphold the dignity of a public office? What this city needs is a good five-yard tobaccy squirter." Mrs. .Ada (loodman, 109 West Low street, Champaign. "We don't rut fish." ALnyor ^Ldlikin. "W'lio are these people?" Rosie O'CJrady, 407 East of-the- setting-sun. "The situation demands a man of action. Don't you simply adore Glark Cable?" Bull-etin Board Pierrot will hold practice toi' dancing choruses e\er\ afternoon at four. Plea.se bring ballet slippers and ear-muffs. Scabbard and HIade will meet at the Triangle House Tuesday night at 7:30, not 7:29 or 7:.^1. Shorty Crawford will be there. Phi Beta Kappa will hold a razz session tomorrow night, the weather permitting. .-^11 members will please be present. Philomathean will not iiold its annual meeting this year because of the violent financial disturbances. Members are asked to devote five minutes at eleven minutes after eleven o'clock Thursday to a period of silent prayer. Special examinations in Buzz law 49 will not be held during this semester or next. (You will Himk my course, will you?) Mask and Burble will ha\e a formal dinner Tuesday night in the basement of the Little Theater. All members are requested to be present as the pledges are the ones who are paying for it an\way. .'\11 members of Seraph-in will re- port for practice in quick take-offs Friday afternoon. The meeting will be open to the public. ANNOUNCEMENT Prof. P. O. Pschaut will lecture before the members of Scarab and (Gargoyle on "THE EFFECT OF CHIC SALE'S WORK ON THE BYZANTINE." Prof. P.schaut has studied both here and abroad and says some of the best architecture he has seen is to be found right here oti the Illinois campus. Yesterday while standing on the broad walk, he was heard to say, "Oh, Poy! Sudge Vim- men if gifs not im Deutschland. Is Dot Vnt made Budveiser?" .'\ccording to statistics compiled by the Dean's office there is no drinking on the campus — not exactly on the campus. The Flux of Times 'I'liesr i|iiotatii>Ms art" CMCipIs Iniiii s|iiT(hrs iiiailr s|Miraili(all,\ l).^ sex rial |>i'i>iniii('iit la<'iilt.v iiieiiilifrs. "Time was w lien it was handy for a man with a good looking daughter to know how to use a gun. Such men are rapidly becoming a luxury what with the rapid and extensive de- velopment of girls' rifle teams." — Colonel Weeks. "Time was when there was a liter- ary magazine on the campus. That magazine is still non-existent." — Prof. Harold Newman Hillcbrand. "I feel constrained to souml an optimistic note in respect to the eco- nomic situation. More people are being given employment with better pay. Even the wages of sin have been raised by at least fifty cents an hour." —Prof. Bruce Weirick. "Inimoralitx' is not a crime, but a state of mind." — Dean Emeritus Thomas Arkle Clark. "Campus immorality is not a crime, but a inmishment." — Mr. Pete-Thc-Cop. "Abolition of late hours for girls would be a noble experiment." — Dean Maria Leonard. "The no car ruling was passed be- cause we forsaw the present eco- nomic depression and were anxious to do all we could to keep student ex- penditures for luxuries at a mini- luum." — Pres. Emeritus David Kinlev. It is rumoretl that the Delts have a young dog, called Pansy, that is supposed to have a pedigree a mile long. In fact, the Delts claim that if this dog could talk it wouldn't speak to any of them. Recently one of the brethren feel- ing no pains, absent-mindedly used Pansx' for a shaving brush. Illini Number 17 DEPRESSION HITS STUDENTS Toast (not bread, thank you), line formed in front of Home Ec. cafeteria for noon meal C. E. Saves Co-ed CLASSIFIED ADS Lotta Cahsh '32, was saved from FOR RENT possible death today by the timely action of Gus Johnstone. Miss Cahsh fainted in her room in West Resi- dence Hall at 2:30. Mr. Johnstone las C. E. 15 (Surveying) at this time. He rushed over, notified the at- FURNISHED APARTMENT — That "atmospheric touch" that makes you feel "vibrations." "Com- fy" and "cozy"; do you get the idea? Arabian "iiarem" furnitvire. Call Mr. T. A. Clark. tendants, and hurried back to hi: class so as not to miss the 2 :30 to ^ :Ofl o'clock rush on the Broadwalk SECOND HAND CAR— Complete except for back seat, which was stolen near Sigma Nu house. Car Feathers to Meet now useless. Will trade car for back seat. Call Mike at 4766. Orange and Hlue Feathers \vil! WANTED at the poultry farm. All members are requested to be there. They will pass the picking chicken test, to stuff the lillows they are making. This organi- zation promotes the efficiency of girls 'n picking chickens. Each semester the girls stuff a pin cushion. TANKS DESIRED— By Standard Oil Co. College men preferred. If you can't hold your own, don't apply. State experience and capacity, Dekes and Phi Delts employed without trial. Box 2 IS, Postal Station 3, Champaign, III. USED — Sears, Roebuck catalog. Must contain at least 300 pages. Call Mosher at Farm House as soon as possible. LOST LOST— The Old Line. Call Turner or Schnell at Beta House. LOST — Picture taken on picnic. Would be terrible if it got in the wrong hands. Cjive to some Chi Omega. Reward if finder is a man. QUART— Of chem lab alcohol somewhere near Prehn's. Will finder please return bottle for refill at 310 John street. SUSPENDERS— at Fine Arts Ball. Think it must be a hold-up job. No questions answered. Call 4043. TWENTY DOLLAR BILL— Signed Andrew Mellon fund. Owner may obtain same by showing signature. PERSONAL WILL gentleman on Nevada street with trombone please refrain from playing after midnight, or else get onto the second lesson. PERSONAL— Harry come back. Father didn't know what resuscitate meant. All is forgiven. Peggy. FOR SALE FOR SALE— Lip-stick, by Math major; has never been used. Rusty still. Rust will come off after three batches. Call Delta Tau Delta house. NOTICE — We are not responsible for any debts contracted by Herbie Kay and Rud> Vallee. — Sigma Alpha Epsilon. FOR RENT— Bed-room apt. with underground passage. No questions asked. 1 East Washington, Cham- paign. E-2458 FOR SALE — One Remington type- writer. Guaranteed noiseless, no keys. Call 3282. 1-2446 FOR SALE— A house and a lot. To be perfectly frank, a lot of red ants, mice, :int\ broken-down radiators. 6-1853. K-2453 18 The SIREN Illinois' Only (^rt-oprrtitivi lUinkslDics New DOLLAR BOOKS |{\cr> week we fjet new titles in the dollar service. Drop in and browse around those books you've wanted to own — and which you can now buy for one dollar. $1.00 each Ludwig SON OF MAN Weems LIFE OF WASHINGTON Clendening HUMAN BODY Waugh HOT COUNTRIES Blanchon BIRI3 NEIGHBORS Leech FEATHERED NEST ASHTON DOCTOR SERROCOLD Wasserman GOLD Flaubert MADAME BOVARY $1.00 II uudrcds more — some illustrated TUP niMf nt\ I II pTHE STUD E NTS' SUPPLY ST ORES OP 20J South Mathews Urbana (ilO East Daniel Champaign Whjoops, My Djear! Cijet a Bjarrel! lijornson Mjornstcnicc was sujimmin' — Hjis i-jostiLim- lit- Ijookcil vjcMV sljiin in. Sjonic djamcs hjappcncd bjy — Tjook hjis (Ijuilc on rlijc sljy — Njdw lio's slijdiitin;;, "td jjjj wjith tlijc wjinimin' !" — Ddrttnoiilh J iit k-ii'-Liii!t( t ii. "Dill \()u hear the new Hoosicr song?" "No." "Hoosicr Little VVhosis." — Temple Oirl. S iUiifilai-: Don't be alarmed, lcdd\'. 1 shan't touch yci' -all 1 want is \'er money. Old .Maid: Oh, jio away! You arc just like all the other horrid men! — H'jstoii llriiii P'll. S The Thinker "When did the robbci\- occur?" the cross-cxamininti lawyer asked the witness. "I think — " he began. "We don't care what you think ; we want to know what you know," remarked the lawyer. "Well, I ma\- as well get off the stand then," said the witness. "I can't talk without thinking. I'm no lawyer." — Alahnina Raninicr-Jninnier. S "Are you troubled with improper thoughts?" "Why no; I rather like them." — Yale Reeortl. s — ^ Open Confession "I'll be frank with you," said the young man when the embrace was over, "You're not the first girl I've e\er kissed." "I'll be equally frank with you," she answered, "You've got a lot to learn." — Leghigh-Burr. S "Where yuh goin?" "Fishin'." "What fer?" "Oh, jest fer the halibut." — Miehigan Crnrgnle. Coliuiibus was wrong — the world is flat. — Texas Lnngliorn. "I'd h.-ite to live near a railroad track." "^ eh, darn tootin'." "^'eh, darn tootin'." — Staiijarii ( Jli/iparnil. "What do you think of my room as a whole?" "As a hole it's pretty good, but it's not much of a room." The (]fiH)H>ia Ihiecdiirer. Illirii Number 19 Private Life of a Tux Shirt 1. Bought by Brother Bill tor a very significant occa- sion two weeks hence. 2. Borrowed by Brotlier Joe for another signiiicant occasion (more immediate). .?. Marred by several drops of bacardi and sixteen tele- phone numbers. 4. Mangled at a Chinese laundry. 5. Loaned to Brother Jim from Brother Joe for an- other significant occasion (less immediate and more shady). 6. Torn, re-mended, and retorn by Brother Jim. 7. Discarded in ash-can as dead by Brother Jim. 8. Found and rejuvenated by Brother Rag Man. 9. Sold to Brother Bill who has just lost a good sliirt. 10. Worn by Brother Bill to a significant occasion. Moral : Brothers may come and go, but a tux shirt goes on forever. — Minncsola Si-l^-Mali. s "Sir," said the fortune-teller, "you will travel a great deal, especially in the Far Fast. There you will meet your dream woman, whom \ou will marry. She will be \ery beautiful." "And young?" "Yes, and very wealthy." "Thank you," said the recipient of this good news. "\ow will \'ou tell me how to get ritl of my present wife." — Iftirvnrd Lnriiponii. s "What's an old maid?" "An old maid is a lady who can remember when garter.- held up traffic instead of stockings." — Temple Oiil. S They tell a story about a tiny ant who gazei! longingly but helplessly at the body of a dead horse. Just then a boot- legger's truck rattled by and a case of stuff fell over the end gate and crashed to the ground. A puddle formed and the ant, thirsty, took a sip. Then he seized the dead horse by the tail and shouted : "Come on, big boy, we're going home. " — Texas Riuiyci . S Crowded Trolley Car: (Young lady is vainly groping for her purse to pay her fare). Young Man: Pardon me, miss, but may I not pay \(iur fare? Young Lady: Sir! ! (Several seconds of groping) Young Man: I beg your pardon again, young laily, but won't you let me pay your fare? Young Lady: Why, I don't even know you, and an\ way, I'll ha\e this purse opened in a minute. (Continued groping) Young \Lan: I really must insist on paying your fare. You've unbuttoned my suspenders three times! — Boston Bean Pot. .M-'KICA INDOCHINA AISTKAI.ASIA N. AMKKK A BIG GAME HUNTING (iEORGE G. CAREY JR. 305 N. CHARLES ST. BALTIMORE, MD. ASS<>( lATKI) WITH Tints. ( (»OK A; SON UACiONSIJTS INC. TIJAVKI. SKUVICK G.R.GRUBB£^CO. CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS. 20 The SIREN Scotch -Wise! W >ou're inclined to be Scotclu this Spring and just a bit "close" with expenditures on the new wardrobe . . . then certainly Kuhn's . . . and no other ... is the place to spend >()ur allowance. For here . . . quality for quality . . . Clothing* and Wearing Apparel, desii^ned for University Men, nia\' be had at comparison defying -_: I prices : DOWNTOWN JOS.KUHN&CO. "'riic Stori' for Illinois Men" CHAMPAIGN A Moron? Ill a small town in the south there was a lad who had a reputation of not being very bright. People there had tun with him several times a day by placing a dime and a nickel on the open plam of his hand and telling him to take his pick of the two. In each case he would pick up the nickel, and then the crowd would laugh and guffaw. A kind-hearted woman asked him one day: "Don't you know the difference between a dime and a nickel? Don't you know the dime, though smaller, is worth more?" "Sure, I know it," he answered, "but they wouldn't try me out on it :iii\ more if I took the dime." — Pennsylvania Punch Brncl. Young Jimmy was pushing his baby sister's perambula- tor down the street. "Hey, Jimmy," called his buddy from across the street, "do you get paid for that?" "Xaw," replied Jimm\- disgustedly, "this is a free wheel- ing job." — Nebraska Aicgiian. S A Chicago actress came into a law\er's office and said, "I want a divorce." "Certainly," said the lawyer. "For a nominal fee 1 will institute proceedings." "What is the nominal fee?" "Five hundred dollars," he replied. "Nothing doing," retorted tlie \oung lad\-. "I can ha\c him shot for ten." — loiva Frivnt. Old maid: "There's a mouse or something tickling my t." Second old maid: "Aren't you afraid it's a man?" Old maid: "No. I'm afraid it's a mouse." —Temple Old. S McTavish Senior: "For two cents I'd disinherit you." McT:ivish Junior: "For two cents I'd leave home." — Temple Old. How to Get a Prof to Let a Glass Out Early 1 . Set oft an alarm clock you have in your pocket — at tile time gathering your books together, putting on your hat and lighting a cigarette. Prof will then think the bell has rung. 2. Stare fixedly at the professor and suppress a giggle e\ery few minutes. This will disconcert the professor so much that he will dismiss the class to see if his tie is on straight. .1. Fvery time the professor makes a statement retort, "That's a dirty lie. " He will soon see that you know more than he does and retire in shame, lu'ging you to take his place. You will know better than to do this. 4. Steal his false teeth or his notes. 3. Appear to be interested. Prof, will faint. 6. Set fire to the building. 7. Give him one of those little chocolate tablets. 8. Kill him. (In case you are chicken hearted, a seri- ous wound will do almost as well). — Washintjton Dirt/e. "Is smoking permitted in the balcony?" Doorman: "Yep." Man: "O. K. I'll sit downstairs with the men, thanks." — Colt/ate Banter. S "Do \ou sa\e bad women?" "Yes." "Well sa\e a couple for me for Satuiihu' night." — Buffalo Bison. S The student just out of college was reading his (iist salary receipt and observed the following legend : "Your salary is your personal business — a conlidentiai matter — and should not be disclosed to anyone else." The young graduate signed the receipt and added: "I won't mention it to ainone. I'm just as ashamed of it as \()u are." — Hamilton Royal Gaboon. Illini Number 21 fWHTZ Stolen kisses may he the best, )>iit I like whole-hearted co- operation. — Itartmoiith .laok-o'-Kantern. 893 COUECl COMICS Big Business johnny was over visiting the Kappa (lanimas. In tact, liad one of them cornered on the sofa. "Kiss nie, darling," he said. "There's a house fine of $10 on tlie fellow who kisses a rl within these confines," she said. "I'll gladly pa\' the line, on one coiuhtion," he told Iht. "What's that?" "That \'oii let nie turn out the lights and take .as long 1 want to, and kiss you as nian\ times as 1 wish." "Heavens, yes, of course! " Three-quarters of an hour later she said to him : "You're kissing beautifully tonight, John! " "Johnnx, hell ! " the guy kissing her stated roughly. "I'm St one ot Johnny's fraternity brothers Johnny's at the )or taking tickets." — Arizoiui Kitly-K/il. "(jeorge broke up m\' part\' the othei' evening. He started to tell a naughty story and 1 had to send him home. " "Well?" "lint the rest followed him home to hear the enoliiinns. S "You poor man," said the kindly woman, "are \ou married?'" "No lady," replied the tramp, "if 1 had a wife I wouldn't be depending on strange women for a living." —Red Cat. For Freshmen Only Warbling Senior: "I Found a Million Dollar Baby in the Five and Ten Cent Store." Enlightened Freshman: "(^h! Now I know wheic babies come from!" — Minnesota Ski-C-Mali. Presidential Timberl ▼ What this country needs is an all-around, all-wet president. Homer Bru, banker, busi- ness man, farmer and statesman, is that man. Mr. Bru's modesty is shown in his answer to his party's request that he throw his hat in the ring in the forthcoming election. His answer was simply, "Who, me?" A play-by-play and plank-by-plank story of Homer Bru's campaign is being published In COLLEGE HUMOR. As citizens of these (we hope) United States, it is your duty to keep your finger on the pulse of the hectic politics of the aforesaid States. Bru's spotless record will inspire you. Read about him in College Humor 1050 N. LaSalle St., Chicaso The S I i (horrified): ^'ou say \ou ate >our own lather and mother? WHiy, that means you're a cannibal. niack bo\': NO. an orphan. — Ttxas Lont/lirtrn. S Janice found herself in a rather compromising position in Harold's arms. The lo\e of these two doves was new- born, and little more need be said of what Harold \\ as pouring into Janice's charming little ear. and of how Janice accepted each utterance with a yearning heart. Fo be abominably frank. Harold had kissed Janice once or twice. Janice was a freshman at the college, and had not been so complimented before b\ a stalwart campus man. The effect was exhilarating. ".My darling." exclaimed Harold, "I lo\ e now so. 1 lo\e >()u so. " "I like \ou wonderfulK, Harold," nuirmurcd the inno- cent frosh. Again he kissed hei' tendeilv. "Do \ou like to lia\e me ki.ss you?" asked Harold, confidenth. "Oh, Harold! You . . , you . . . use Listeiine, don't you?" blurted the darling Janice. — Brjst'in liianp'it. Depression Limerick 1 here once \\ aN .i \oung man named ( iandhi. Reputed to be ipute a dandhi, In a worn-out old sheet .And old shoes on his feet. In this countr>, that fad would be handhi. — Minnis'itii Ski-l -Mali. S And then there's the contortionist wdio dreamed he w; iting diied peaches and chewed his cars off in his sleep. — West Point Pointer. S iT.ink: "1 don't see how you tell those Smith twins ,ipart." Hank: "'Fhat's e;i>\ . Mable alwa>s blushes when wi meet. " — Prineeton Tiijer. ^ S "Johnn\, I'm afraid I will not see \ou in heaven," said the father to his errant son. "Win. what h;i\e \ou been doing now. Pop?" What's the Use? "Whatcha stutlvin'?" "Soc'ology. " "Hard?"' "N'very." "How many cuts >' lowed?" "Never calls za roll. " "Lotsa prelims?" "Never gives anw " "Outside reailin and writin?" "Nope." "Called on offen ? " ".About once a week. " "Thought there was ;i string to it. " -(Cornell II idov.'. -S- Sergeant (at the police station): "Wh.it! \oii back again ?" Frosh: "lb, liiih ; ain mail?" — Pennsy/vaiiia I'ltmli Boal. S A \acuum has been defined as a conversation between a bridge fiend who does not play golf and a golf fiend whu does not play bridge. — (hirneyie Puf>f:>. ;/ 'j, v^ ^T WORK O.S.C. ]^>^ i y %>''^ mi' . Werfleld 1 ic) lt)}2. LiGCETT & Myers Tobacco Co. (^IhtdifyrliclcLi. ci/r^ cllcJdit^ voctli MILLIONS — mmtj .^^utuhi Dirt N iiwhcr THESE FUNNY COLLEGE JOKES 1925 It was a beautiful June night. A nicllow moon shone down from above, and a gentle breeze sighed in the tree tops. 1 was fascinated by the lovely creature beside me. I moved closer to her and laid my arm across her shoulders. She rai.sed her face to mine and her breath was sweeter than the nectar of the gods. I gazed into wide brown eyes tiiat were fathomless pools. She certainly was a handsome cow. 1928 It was a beautiful June night. A mellow moon shone down from above, and a gentle breeze sighed in tlie tree tops. I was fascinated by the lovely creature beside nie. I mo\ed closer to her and laid my arm across her shoulders. She raised her face to mine and her breath was sweeter than the nectar of the gods. I gazed into wide brown eyes that were fathomless pools. Then I — Well, what would you ha\e done? — I kissed her. 1932 It was a beautiful June night. A mellow moon shone down from above, and a gentle breeze sighed in the tree tops. I was fascinated by the lovely creature beside me. I moved closer to her and laid my arm across her shoulders. She raised her face to mine and her breath was sweeter than the nectar of the gods. I gazed into wide brown eyes that were fathomless pools. Then 1 kissed her long and pas- sionately. When I released her she looked at me and said. "What did you say your first name was, Mr. Brown?" 1935 It was a beautiful June night. A mellow moon shone down from above, and a gentle breeze sighed in the tree tops. I was fascinated by the lovely creature beside me. I moved closer to her and laid my arms acro.ss her shoulders. She raised her face to mine, and her breath was so stroni; I could ha\e ciiinncd myself on it. — Dm t iiKiiitli J (U k-(i'-L(inlci u. -S- A customer sat tlown to a table in a smart restauiant ■M\i.\ tied his napkin around his neck. 1 he manager, scan- dalized, called a boy and said to him: "Tr\' to make him understand as tactfully as possible that that's not done." Boy (seriously to customer) : "A shave or hair cut, sir.^ ' — Indiana Bond Walk. -S- Notice : From this date, I will not be responsible 1 any debts or obligations made by my wife. — Cj. A. F. Notice: I have not purchased anything for cash credit since I became Mrs. (}. A. F. — Mrs. Cj. A. V. — Indiana Bored II iiU-. T. M. Bacon & Sons INCORPORATED DECORATING Paints Glass Phone 5961 Walnut and Tavlor Streets FOR MAY 8 Attractive Mother's Day Greetings Framed Greetings Packed for Mailing A Store-wide Special Pricing With Many Articles at Cost or Less Gifts Stationery Frames Supplies STRAUGH'S 709 South Wright Phone 221S 7 he SI K H N A Sliiilu Mistake- In tile couisf of a tii:il it ln'canic iicccss.iiy to (■slal'ili>li tl\i' (late of ccirain cxcnts with relation to the aj,'c of thi' witness on the stand -a \v\\ ilark anil rotund coloicd woman. •jiow old are vou, Mandy?" "I'se se\ ent\-thiee, ied^e. " "Maiulx, Non don't look that old." pnitesreil the e\- .imniation eoim.sel. "1 sure is. jcdge." .■\fter a few liinre (inestions the witness niteiiupted a wraiisile between o|lpo^nl^ counsel by saying: "Jed^e. I'se been reeolleetin' an' I was wron;: when 1 said my afje was se\cnt\ -three. I remember now — dats m\ bust measure." — .\ rj///; ('.lunhiiii II iihiiii/dii. S Icn Less One Questions To aeipiamt the lavman with the psyeholojiical possi- liilities of wion^ nundters, we ha\e izone to unliniitetl ex- pense and trouble to picpare a set of questions designated to test your mentalit\, blood pressure and tonsils. If you can answer all ot these questions conectly you are a neurotic bookworm: it you get half of them right, you will iirob- abl\ he ni .in msane asylum withm the year; if \ou don't try to answer them at all you show a remarkable sanene.ss. Answers to these questions will be found on another page of this issue. 1. Near what rix'cr did Shakespeare li\e while residing at .Stratford-on-Avon ? 2. Who was elected the first time (ieorge Washington ran for president? ,1. Who participated in the French and Indi.in war liesides the British? 4. Who is buried in (Jrant's Tomb? .^. Who makes I'"ord cars? fi. \W\\\ didn't Christopher Columbus come oxer on the Hremen ? 7. Why did je.sse James shoot .Abi.diam Lincoln? 5. What time do the eight o'clock ladio signals come HI ? 9. What the hell are \ou reading these for? S Old Spinster: \V'here are the dear little monke>s today, keeper? Zoo Keepei : 'I'luCre inside making line. O. S. : Do you think they would come out if I offered them these peanuts? Z. K. : Would you? — Texas L'liiiihdin. S DIALOCJUE "( )h. don't \ou just ;idcuc ihe Sutlon Club? It's so diHerent — anil, such a sophisticated ciowd h:ings around llu re." "Veah, and hasn't it got ,i smooth oichestra ?" ".And Mit/ie M.alloy is just peitect." "Won't it be too had if the cheap crowd start to invade the |ilace." "Well, thev usuallv do." "That's win 1 like the I'l l':itio — there's ;i smait crowd there all the time." "Ha\'e \ou seen Leslie llovxard in l>arr\'s new pla\ ?" ".M\, hut isn't he smooth.'' " "Here, ha\e a light." "Hell, heh, heh, — it works." "Hell, ludi, heh, — that's one for Riple\." "is Rollie w Hiking \ct '" "Why, 1 didn't e\cn know that he was sober." "What does he want to get sober for?" "Isn't he .1 riot when he's boiled?" "Well, some day I'm going to get a job." "Oh. don't be a sil." "Wh.it do \a think ot the new Hup i o.idster ?" "Plenty smooth." "W'ell, I"ll see \ou later, K:itie, I ha\e to make ;in onion s.indw ich lor that dope dow n at the vwiX of the counter." — Xotic Dii/iii .1 itiH/ln . -S- Answers to Questions 1. 'Lhe .Amazon, whose .^,000 mile distance is quite close, b\ the air service today. 2. It is rumored that a New Englander nameil Cool- idgc was really elected but that he did not choose to serve because of a depression looming on the horizon. ,1. This has been referred to the I/Cague of Nations and the Kellogg Peace Pact Conference for a final decision. 4. Just oft-hand, the (irant family. 5. Industrialists and laborers the world over. 6. It seems that (Jiieen Isabella was ;it outs v\ ith her distant German cousins and wovild not hear of Chris taking the Beer and Pretzel Line. 7. They are getting sorry, ;ireirt they? S. 8:00 Eastern Standard Time; 7:0(1 Central— Oh, well! 0. Because some damfiil went to all the trouble to write it. — itcnit/in IKIi ) dlou .hu kct. "I'm over forty." says Mary Bidand. — .I/It/, ill .MoTii ChissK. And growing like a weed. — D/irtiiioil/h .1 lit k-ii' -Liuili rii. "The waiter s|iilled ice cream down my girl's neck ;it the Prom. " "Did she ha\c to take her formal to the cleaners?" "No, she just washed her neck." — // isiDiisiii OltOpllS. Dirt N nmhcr Carl Chase, who is Min in "Wotta Racket" The SIREN IMA» C. (). D. 'I'lu- Lambda Chis liavt- tin- swclli'st coat of arms over the fire- place in their dining room — it ouglit to be swell, being as how it is the crest ot the King of F^nglaiui. A couple of their alumns got tight one night ()\er in Hong Kong, or Shanghai, or some place with a name like that, and swiped it from where ir was placed over the door of the Hiitish luiibassy. When said alumns came to the next morning there was the cr,r/)us delicti to dispose of. So they crated up the thing, which is made of iion and weiglis a mere ton or so, and sent it along to the boys, collect. It looks remarkably impres- si\e up over that mantel, and they don't tell very many people that those collect charges were fifty bucks. Just in Case . . . Morrie Katz says that his folks are in the "dinning and prassing business." . . . Who ever saw Bob Kennedy without a pipe in his mouth . . . we hear that the Chi Omega trio has had a swell offer from Charley Agnew. . . . The Thetas are going to exchange a student with a German school next year after the same plan that the Alpha Delts did this year. . . . Betty Ann Siegrist, Alpha Fizz, is the typical Illinois woman, if there is such a thing. . . . Gayle DuBois has .iddeii a French accent to the daown south effect already in exist- ence and the effect is almost a panic. . . . And they have been calling her F\il Jo Helbcr, lately since she got her picture in College Humor on account of the swell hair-cut she doesn't have. . . . You should have seen the look on the face of the babe who got caught voting for herself in the little beauty contest of Pierrot's. . . . (Humph Wilson, o\er at the Chi Phi house, says that he sleeps well from eleven p. m. until six, but after breakfast he just rolls and to.sses all day. . . . The worst lunch ever .served at the Kappa Delta Rho house had foi- its main item brisket soup. . . . The Thetas had wilted lettuce and sardines once, and there is the w. k. Beta hot dogs and the A. D. Pi hash and pear salad combinations. . . . Nita Ramey got Tish a date with her steady one night and now Tish has his pin. . . . There's o[il\ one pin out over at the Sigma Phi Sigma house and a Pop has it. . . . Kay Wells, in a modest sort of way said in the Chidailynoos on New Year's Day that she was going to get her- self a man this year. . . . Kay Tuach was the first woman with nerve enough to petition for the editorship of the mini, God bless her. . . . Frank Koval calls everyone "Joe," regardless. . . . According to the Chi- cago Phoenix, God is not an Alpha Delt. . . . The prize boner of the sejison was pulled by the Theta Xi .sophomores who serenaded Messrs. Schnell and Pring the night after the elections in which the said men as old line leaders took such a beating — and announcements of manager- ships so soon to be announced. ... It is an established fact that Bob Whitely has his pin on Dot Kenvon, of Delta Delta Delta, Inc. . . . The Pi K. A.'s have more brothers and sisters in school than any other house. . . . Tubby Steuernagel has gone Kappa. Landscaping orgies have been in- dulged in by our wealthy friends, the Alpha Delts and the Sigma Nus . . . the latter having a formal garden with real lace around the edges. . . . You can count the house dances on one hand any week-end now, and it seems as if not a damn one of them is formal — and it was in our time that the Delts told it around that they spent eight hundred bucks on the orchestra alone for their spring formal. . . . The well dressed male is wearing pure white buck shoes . . . and the not so well dressed male is wearing a sweater without any shirt. . . . Carl Chase had his picture in the New York Times last week on account of he is in "Wotta Racket" — it covered half of the page, and was that big that the President him- Dirt Number self, who was in New York at the time that it came out, had to put extra postage on the letter in which he mailed it home . . . according to the butler . . . Ka\ Palandeck, Chi Omega, is one of the most spectacu- lar beauties on Campus . . . and Mary Jane Fithian is one of the most popular women. . . . Dick Law recently added Phi Beta Kappa to his list of trophies. ... It is probably a toss up between Julie Connors, Cieneva Hitt, and Winnie Haven as who is the best dressed woman around these parts. . . . To Dorothy Wheeler goes the laurels for having the most brains . . . and using them . . . they tell me that Helene Foel- linger keeps a plane of her own in tile back yard over in Fort Wayne, Indianny, where she lives. Wayne King will play for the Senior Ball, if the people who want him have anything to say about it. . . . Ray Dvorak pulled a swell one at the band concert the other night when he named the painting over the stage in the auditorium "Everybody works but father." . . . Eddie Cantor ought to be president — it would be good enough for him. . . . Mort Wil- bur is just more than jumping into the activities pond lately, what with a Union Job — and notice that there was a capital J on that word job — and his sundry petitions for pub- lications jobs including the business managership of this rag. . . . Ger- maiiie Quindry, Pi Beta Phi, is dated up for months and months and uses the working in shifts technique in order to make the most of her time, she very often being able to get at least three normal dates into the space of one afternoon. . . . The Z. T. A. house has gone T. L . C). . . . ( )nce upon a time we heard a rumor to the effect that people at Illinois couldn't drive cars. . . . Chuck Fred- erick chaperoned a party over at the Chi Bete house the night that the music at the commerce dance turned out to be so lousy that some of the boys and girls decided to have a party of their own. . . . And how does this suit you for the perfect address for any hotel register — Mr. W. E. R. Xotman and wife, Norfrum, Iowa. . . . Xewt Rooks went into hiding after all of that publicity that 1"1 Herron gave to him. . . . Marion Irrmann is now the big shot o\er at the Gammafi house It had been years since we heard the simile about its looking like so-and-so hail fallen into a flour barrel, and then we heard it a dozen times in one da\' as applied to the Chios. ... It is a pleasure to call the Phi Tau house — pledges there know the meaning of the word courtesy. . . . The Phi (lanis are going to have a hard time living down Bing Crosby's singm;z their songs and pronouncing fiji to rhyme with sky high. . . . The Phi Kappa Sigs answer their phone witii "Skull house"- — at the Sigma Chi house they say "Big house." . . . With all of that addition the Beta Hotel ought to have gotten a new name. ... In case you have it in for the i'hi Delts the latest ditty giving them the bird goes like this — "Phi Delta Theta, One times worse than Beta. " \'ou just keep it up, increasing the ratio, until your lungs gi\e out. Tiie tune is Abie the fishman. . . . Where did Ted Wang disappear to? . . . Marny Crocker is working tor Moser's. . . . Theta Alpha has merged with Delta Sigma Phi, known, in the vulgate, as Dollar Sixty-five. . . . Theta, Kappa, Beta, Delt, and Sig are the only houses that are recognized by one letter of their name. . . . ()iie of the houses up on the avenue has a closet which is kept lockeil. In it are a number of the cups which the house next door and the police looked tor once. . . . Phonograph records aie swiped far more often than an\ other sort of fratney property. . . . Have \()ii e\er tried to get a date for Saturila\' night on Wright street after Tues- day? . . . The Try Delts ha\e one of the best looking living rooms in town. . . . We predict that .\lar\ Henley, Pify Townie, will he a big shot of significance ere long. An extremely personable argument WALL The SIREN '^'es Sir, Yes Sir, three bags full for Greek houses pledging upper classmen is Kay Adams, Chio, who is graduating with honors this June. . . . Does anybody ever drink an\- thing but beer in this town?. . . . And the same person who can answer that one might tell us why it is that our contemporaries up at Chicago have it so desperately in for us and pity us for our bucolic condition at the same time. ... If you don't think that practically the entire T. U. ( ). house is from Joliet, just try looking up some of the names in the direc- tory. . . . And you might try the same thing with the A. O. Pi house. only there it is Oak Park. . . . Pal and Butch are the most popvdar blanket nicknames of the moment. . . . Nerts is on the decline, gripe has gone, and poohed is now respectable. . . . The Sig Alphs and the Kappa Sidges get along swell for hou.ses that live as close to each other as they do. ... A serenade at the Pify house is always such an event for the boys over at Newman Hall. . . . Bobbed hair seems to be the thing again — Esther Uhl and Dorothy Quinn have succumbed we see. . . . The latter, Dorothy, went wading in the lily pool out at the countr\' club the other night. . . . (joing barelegged lines save on the old stocking bill. . . . (^nly Al Neiss could get away witli calling his girl's legs her Alpha Xi pins. . . . George IVIcDevitt's watch chain is an heirloom, he says. . . . And incidentally dainty watch chains are just out, that's all, the \ww ones being a little like that oKl one of grandpap's. . . . Tile Sig Alphs and the A. E. Phis have more damn fun with their windowshades. . . . The Zetes manage not to get piiblicit\' better than any other group. Did vou know tliat tliree little ZTA's go in for fish raising in a great big way? They have three simph' ducky little goldfish, named Cieorge, Jack, and Norm — after three dashing young TUO's. What worries the girls is that one of the fish nia\' have to be named Mary or Jane or something else sweet and tenuiiine. Did you know that the crowds that use to gather on Lincoln around the Kappa Delt house have strangely dwindled away since the girls have bought a shower curtain ? The favorite excuse of the idlers used to be that they were waiting for a bus. The greatest sufferers are the poor fellows in McKinley hospital. 1 hey've taken up playing battleship now. Did \ou know that Bob Klecne, debonair Phi Delt transfer from Wisconsin, is caused untold agonies (Coiilintiril on Pagi- 24) /)/;•/ N urn her The Littlest Pledge liv JOYCE iNEWHU.L f f f f The littlest pledge had a strong instinctive feeling for the fitness of things. She shook her small, curly head in dismay when she noticed that there were three rushees left sitting alone along the window seat, commonly referred to as "crock's corner." Here it was the custom to deposit the obviously hopeless and spend one's time more advantage- ously on the prizes. She took a speedy mental inventory. Specimen one had piano legs, and strongly resembled "Lady Goliath" of side- siiow fame. Specimen two had buck teeth and a correspond- uig speech impediment. ."Xiid specimen three, poor tiear, had cross-eyes. The littlest pledije had a \ery tender heart — she would we can get iier ;i\va\ from the Alphas if we give her h.all a rush!" The littlest pledge turned toward the damsel in question. She was a gorgeous, slim creature with exotic looking eyes — and no heavier than thistledown on her feet. Resisting tile temptation to join the galaxy surrounding the goddess she turned heroically toward the crock corner. The triumvirate saw her coming and temporarily post- poned the rake-over they were handing the actives. One of tliem had just confidentially imparted to the others: "And s/ico/yf They must think they're Mrs. Holy-something. Can you imagine anybody wanting to join such a bunch of Urlsh-Ollisf" HftL5tvmU>'>» There were three rushees left sitting alone in "crock's corner" li:i\e dieii a thousand tortuous deaths in preference to bait- ing a fish-hook, or setting a mouse-trap. The "preferred stock" was being given a good nisli on tlie dance floor. Each time the music stopped, there would be a little flurry of excitement when everybody would sa\ "Oh please may I have the next dance? I've been follow- ing you around all evening, trying to remember where I've seen you before! I just remembered! It was out at Arling- ton races last summer. We sat only two boxes apart!" Tlie music started again. One of the actives grabbed the littlest pledge's sleeve. "Break in on that knoeknut in the aquamarine lace. She's 'Old Man F.vans' niece, ;uui The littlot ph'dge assumed her most troubled look — the same one that made uni\ersity men want to protect her and take her places in a cab so she wouldn't catch cold, and onh the very nicest places, of course. That look implied: ".N'ow diiii't tell me tiiat all is not well with the world!" "Shame on \ou ail, " she said reprovingly, "sitting way off here in a corner by yourself and being exclusive. " She dimpled. "1 almost was convinced that you were trying to be high-hat! " She passed this off as if it were a grave error. "Of cfjurse, I'm just joking," she reassured them. The triunnirate remained immobile. The one with buck teeth o|iened her mouth as if .she were going to sa_v The S 1 l< H N ''~*^v jc-vreik. Tlio litlle pledge gulped something, and then iloscd it ajiain. 1 he one witli piaiiii legs was tapping hur toes in tinu- to tin- miisii-. Tlu- littlest pledge looked helplessly at the cross-eyed one and wondered if she were in turn looking at her. "1 tell \()ii what," said the littlest pledge. "How would you all like to break some rules! We'll all sneak up the stairs into nn room and smoke a cigarette. I've got the latest Peter Arno book and we can look at it — that is," she added an.xiously, "it xou lia\eu't already seen it, of course." They evidently had not, because immediately you couldn't have missed seeing a little curly-headed wisp of not more than four-fcet-eleven-and-one-half-inches steering her protegees across the dance floor and skillfully piloting them out of sight. All of the actives .it that precise nioment turned their backs and called the other rushces' attention to the new picture over the fireplace, painted by "Who was it, .any- how? I forget. Well — whoever he was, he was a darn good painter, and this iww painting is sLipposed to represent quite the latest trend in art, and all that sort of thing." After the last musical selection had been furnished by the perspiring student band, and after the last dance with the last wilting rushee had been danced, and after the last "Goodbye for now — but we'll be seeing you again — real soon, won't we?" had been negotiated, the actives stampeded the chapter room for meeting. "Now ilIki in the name of something-or-other e\'er recommended those such-and-suches that were sitting in the frock corner!" spouteil one of the hierarch\- intlignantly. "Legacies, no doubt!" was the most common interpreta- tion of the iihenomen.i. "They do happen in tlie hcsl of families. " "What were their names? " The rush chairman banged for quiet. "Who knows the names of the chosen-children sitting in the crock corner?" "Jo knows — she brought them in." Jo went into imme- diate hysteria. "Oh yeah! Well I didn't notice that yon were so an.xious to get acquainted, cither! " "Get Polly," \elled someone. "She's their pal! She's been giving them .a big lush all evening! " l"he littlest pledge lowered the inch-long fringe of her tremendous blue eyes the moment she arrived. "Stand up straight — quit shrinking like that! What's the matter with you, anywa\'?" The littlest pledge ga\e the hierarchy lier most abused look. "Who w.as that big cow \ou were sitting with in crock's corner?" The littlest pledge's dignitN suft'ered an instanteous re- lapse. "She wasn't a big cow — she was" — "A HIPPO! Continue." The littlest pledge gulped and gathered strength before proceeding. "That was Reda Barclay — the 'Lady Hallibur ton' who has gi\en so many I'adio talks about her adventures all over the world." (Coiili/ii/iil III! Payc 19) Dirt Niiuihcr Go down and scare up a fourth for bridge! 10 The SIREN Editoriai, Staff II. F. Mulvihill Associate Editor Jane Fauntz Irt Editor \ita Ramey IVotnan's Editor Jo Smith Exchange Editor Houglas Frost Assistant Editor Marion Irrmanii Theater Editoi ( 'irl Dueser Assistant Editor Purntliv Oiiinn, Hal Jewell, Mary Jane Fithiaii, Kav Presbcri;, Martha Pence, Har\c\ Kring, \.\\u\ Pierce, Ccnevieve, Anderson, Fred Zeiler, Shirley Pa), Norma (ioedde, Lucille Cole, J. O. Beatty. BUSI-VKSS SlAFF W. A. Zoellcr -Id-vertisiiig Mgr. J. Lyons Isst. .Id-v. Mgr. Pnii Kntterfield Asst. Adv. Mgr. ]. Symons Circulation Mgr. K. Skiles isst. Adv. Mgr. S. T. Sandell Collection Mgr. M, L. Shrader Copy Mgr. Miriam \'an Buskirk, Doris Gundlach, Harriemae Wangelin, June Smith, Martha Reynolds, Elaine Oidell, Harley Stiehl monthly by the Illini Publishing Company. University of Illinois, ilurins; the college . s second-class matter at the Post-Office at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. puhlication. Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.(10 the year. Addr IS. Illinois fnion Ruilding, Champaign,' Illinois. Copyright, 193J, by The Siren. E.xclnsive reprint i:;hts granted to G>llgc{|UniOr magazine.. Our two cents worth Our uorrhy foiUi-nipoi ar\\ the Yiile Recnrd. has been more than ranting about the fratcniitx system .it tliat school. Ill no uncertain terms the\- preilict the tall ot all hut the two or three of the strongest houses within a \ear as a result ot the depression and a sudden coming ot age on the part of the students. .All of which makes us wonder a little. Another house down on (Jreen street decided to give u|i the ghost last month and merge with ,i stronger organiza- tion. That makes si.\ that have been \ ietims of that lack of money which has become the subject of more .small talk than prohibition ever was. Of course there are eighty or so liouses left, but the question which remains is a query concerning just how long they will be able to stand the gaff. It is no secret that man\- of them are so short of men that fhc\ aic terrified at the tliou:.:lUs of that six or eight hundred dollars a month rent which just has to he paid. Men of discrimina- tion aren't as overjoyed to have the honor conferred on them of being allowed to li\e with a conglomeration which ob- \iously was pledged with an e\e to the money which the\' represented for the kitty each month. Main of them are still going to li\e in the (ireek houses, but more of them aren't, and they aren't apologizing for it either, which is more. jobs go to Independent men too now". ,ind the political party which represents them wins election.s — for the benefit of Greek men. Hut never mind, they'll learn — and they get about with the same ease which the organized world was supposed to have done back in the days which Lynn ami Lois Montross like to dwell on. It ma\' take them longei Dirt N umber 11 to get there, but the point remains that they do get there. There is still that great submerged group North ot (jreen, but one isn't so sure but that they want to be sub- merged. After all, this life of John, Daniel, and Chalmers street doesn't appeal to overyone, and it is too expensive for some of these people with brains enough to know what they can afford and what they cannot. Many a house would be much the better off if a few of its members could only have lealized this fact before the\' ran vip bills which made leav- ing in the night necessary. There is no doubt in our minds but tliat there is a great need for an adequate dormitory which is owned by the Uni- versity. Anyone who has seen those at the University of Chicago can realize exactly how great is the need here for the same sort of thing. There has been talk of building more women's dormitories upon several occasions, but never lias a men's residence hall been the subject of wide-spread discussion. It is our earnest and sincere wish that this article may at least bring the matter to the attention of the people who in the final analysis really do decide matters like this — the men who do not realize that if they talked enough about a matter like this something would be done. We see by the papers that Cornelius Vanderbilt jr. thinks that college is just a waste of time . . . and a lot of talk will be made over his statement by the people who he intended to make talk . . . people like editors who see in his brash assumption a chance to air a few opinions of their own on the subject. The end of a fourth \ear in college means to the average individual the termination of sixteen years spent in class- rooms. It means earning your own living and getting married and putting aside childish things. It means that vou have gradualh' absorbed the fact that a sentence sounds better it it hasn't been ended with a preposition, that you can refrain from saying ain't without great effort, that you know a split infinitive when you see it, that Shakespeare was a bit of a heller in his time too, that the people who buy luridly colored magazines on the news-stands would patron- ize the libraries if they only knew, that Auf H'icdcrschcn sounds twice as romantic as goodbye, and that one can ring in A Rividerci or Adios as changes, that one may defend any taste in literature and get away with it. One takes chemistry and finds out that by mixing things with valances up in a test-tube the same smell as is possessed by ancient eggs may be produced. From botany it is learned that the reason pine trees grow straight up is be- cause they have buds on the tips of the branches. From Economics is gleaned the fact that some people are getting very rich and more people are getting very poor. You take American history and learn that George Washington threw that silver dollar across the Potomac so a teacher could make a crack about money going farther then, and that the Puri- tans weren't the lilies everyone thinks they were, what with bundling and little games like that. Sociology courses teach you that if you use big enough words for things they will always sound important no mat- ter how trivial they really are. We could just go on w itii this foi' hours, but you all know about it aiivwav, so what's the use? And just in case there was any doubt in your mind about it that conversation with Dean Leonard which was reported in the last issue was entirely imaginary. We had no idea that anyone could possibly think that it was anything else, but it seems that they did; and we wouldn't for the world want to he an annoyance to Miss Leonard — so get it straight, that ( onvtrs'titirjn iv/is fii litioiis.' f^AMHrz Who, Me? 7 he SI R K N THE SIREN NOMINATED • DORSEY CONNORS Because she has been star of many Little Titter productions, the last one beinji "See Naples and Die" ; because she is chief hacha-er of that w. k. trio; because she has been a PROM QUEEN and has consistently been running for other crowns; because she is a campus personality; because she is a Chi Omega. o Dirt Number FOR THE BOID MEDAL 13 O JACK DOWNEY Because he once led a Junior Prom; because he is an awfully bum politician; because he is from Danville; because he can wear a dinner jacket and still manage not to look like an orchestra leader; because he slaps people on the back; because he is an Independent. 14 The SIREN Goofing the Nationa • • • • It is an olil gann-, this business of kidiiiiig tlii' national along, and what a surprise it is to lind out some ot the people who indulge in it . . . the line of reasoning goes some- thing like this: you aren't really lying, you know, because everyone else lays it on thick, and yom- chapter seems so damned inactive if you just tell the plain unvarnished truth. So you sort of fix things up so that they sound swell, re- gardless. Our first object lesson is a gem from the Pcntayon of dear old Phi Omega Pi. Read it and weep. We did. September 10 found most of us at our lovely home eager to begin the school year. Our first s\irprise was to finil that our house had been thoroLighiy cleaned, ( Ed. note — that must have hccn n surprise) and that our mothers had generously given us carpets for both the second and third Hoor halls and the stairway. Only deadened footsteps for us hereafter! Two new porch swings were inviting us to repose on the porch. Such lo\ely surprises of things we needed and hoped for soon drove all homesickness awa\ . ( Kd. note — // isn't iijten thdt people are as li'iiust ahtiitl thinys as that) . And as if that wasn't enf)ugh for one issue, look what got on another page. It is really too good to spoil b\ onh quoting excerpts, and after all this magazine is put out be- cause it is supposed to be amusing. There goes the doorbell! Rooms were given a last dust, a few more things hidden under the cot, and we rushed down stairs to greet our nineteen guests, bag (Tsk!) and baggage. This was the beginning of our house party. Naturally, (Ed. note — Of eourse, naturally) the first e\ent was luncheon. After becoming thoroughly acquainteil, we all piled into cabs and enjoyed a good movie. What a peculiar sight — six checker cabs following each other. How- ever, no one minded that, for we weie out for a good time. (Ed. note — and do we ever het that they really had tine). That evening we danced vuitil our feet as well as shoes were worn out. Next on the program was Monte Carlo Whist. And what a gambling den our houses did turn into. Tables and eager anticipating looks wherever one casts her eyes. (Ed. note — my word!) Telegrams interrupted the sport by requesting each one to take a trip to Japan, Russia, or Holland. (Ed. note — .hid lee'll het they did iihat's more ! j Our trips resulted in food ; so such an intei ruptioii was warmly received. All good things must end. (amen!) So after spendin;; next morning taking walks, dancing and playing bridge, w c had our goodbye luncheon. R\ that time we were all the best of friends and hated to see our guests preparing to leave. (Ed. note — Sueh frankness!) We consoled (thai lias the right icord) ourselves thinking that most of these girls would be coming back soon with tr\niks and realK become Phi Omega Pi sisters. .Mpha Delta Pi is endeavoring to keep its usual strong position in campus activities, we see by the Adelphean. Phyllis Theiss 'H. is doing and dying in grand style and — is chairman of the Y. W. C. A. card files system. . . . The freshmen too, are eager to make names for themselves. (Ed. note — Spoken like a true A. D. Pi!) Kappa Alpha Theta, is as usual, piett\ interesting. Right off the bat we learn that "we are proud that Theta main- tained its scholarship record, being still in first place with an average of 3.8 — four point is a straight B. (Ed note — just in case you didn't knoic). Patricia Busey took part in the ice skating exhibition and the Union Minstrel show. In the former she made a spectacular jump o\er fi\e barrels. ( Ed. note — fVe eould understand how that eould he spee- taeula'r. all right enough) and in the latter she did a song and dance. Jane Fauntz was elected to Illustrator's society, membership based on outstanding ability in art, to be eligible one must have earned an average of B in the Art school. {Now that Jane's name is in, the magazine ean he eomplctc. eh?) Alpha Kappa Lambda in its Logos has a charming little dissertation on the University written b\ the w. k. Mr. Herron. We certainly wish we could let you see all of it, but after all we did manage to get oiu^ hands on some other magazines too. Probably it is only fair to say that the University of Illi- nois is a school of the common people, a school for the edu- cation of the children of the state — and it is serving its pur- pose . . . yes Illinois is feeling its financial depression, too. (Ed. note — So say ive all!) . . . On our campus are 87 fraternities. There are i?i sororities. The same percentage* holds true in the case of unorganized students. And the fun we have. (Ed. note — Says you). Those figures (Tsk!) mean that there are three boys for every girl in the University. It's hard on the boys, but the girls .... On Friday and Saturday nights when sororities are open until 12:30 to the inroads of dashing so- called collegians, even the knottiest little pledge in the sororities are "fixed up " for a round of dancing and cokes. Smoking? Yes, it is as in every college. I suppose. Nearly all of the girls smoke, and many of the sororities have their own smoking rooms. (Ed. note — Elston is an ,1. K. L. — don't forget). As for social functions there are loads of them. A recent editorial in the Daily Illini (paid advt.) remarked upon this subject b\- saying that hardly one week had passed on the campus when there wasn't some formal function which any student might attend. It seems as though, come Friday night, the campus puts on its tux and hies forth to make sure that books don't interfere with college ed\ication. One thing that lays the heavy hand on (Continued on Page 21) Dirt N nmhcr vouleZ'Vous encore? No, we ha\en't forsaken our good old American language (oft with your hats — the flag is passing by). We are merely using an approved technique to lure you into reading this advertisement. Don't leave the room, please. You'll thank us for it before we're through. Yes, Corona Coronas will be all right if you simply must express your gratitude that way. But to return to our subject. What more could you wish in a motor car than all that the new Chevrolet Six provides? You have doubt- less thrilled already to the smartness of Chevrolet's long streamlines and spacious Fisher bodies. If you want speed, the new Chevrolet touches 65 to 70 miles an hour, with six-cylinder ease, quietness and smoothness. If you yearn for power — well, 60 horsepower is more than adequate for any demand you are likely to make. Marvel- ous handling ease is assured by combining the easy, quiet Syncro- Mesh gear-shift with Free Wheeling. And as for running costs — any owner will tell you that Chevrolet operating and upkeep econ- omy is unexcelled. Does that strike a responsive chord, or are you just an old cynic? If you are, we suggest a ride in the new Chevrolet Six. Once you take one, you'll agree with e\er\- point we've made. And you'll agree, too, that the best place to be these fine spring days is at the wheel of this smart, fast, and remarkal/ly inexpensive automobile. Ticcnly l/canliju! iifa' til pi ■niels , J , _ _ %/' /' rices raiixi'ig from t/o to 000 All prkei f. a. b. FUnl. Mich.. sprcKil rquipmnit extra. Lu-.c delivered prices and easy G. A/. A. C. terms. Chevrolet Motor Company^ Detroit, Michigan. Division of General Motors. NEW CHEVROLET SIX The Great American Value 16 7 he SIREN % > .w ^>4 r *^ ^< to Bernarr Mcl^'ad- den, Mrs. Hoover, the W. G. I. LJ., etc.: She is I'hysically Fit, Mentally Adequate, and Morally Straight. She comes in ,i large assortment of colors and sizes, but she is always a glowing pictLire of Health and American Womanhood. (Strike up rile band!) Her college days are Npent in conscientious work, con- riiiual exercise, and good clean fun. .And how she enjoys the jolly picnics, parties, and dances that the boys and girls partake in. .And that good old spirit of comradeship! (She nnist read El Herroii). She ma\ be a sorority girl, but whether or no, she has just as much fun. (The crowd is heai'd cheering outside). .After she finishes school with all honors .she will marry the right man and make a real, 100 per cent American home. According to the College man : She nifly have blond hair (if she's a pify), red hair (if she's an ADPi) or black hair (if she's an Alfa gam), or she may have all three (if she's a Rezzy Hall). What the hell anyway — most of them have brown liair. She's usually more addicted to cokes than the cultivation of the form ilivine, and although she has more faults than an 8 o'clock she's about as good as could be expected. (Of course it all depends on what you expect). She may be a virgin (al- though the odds are against her) or she may not. Whatever she is she'll try to act the opposite. If she's a .sorority dame you usually know what you're getting, (the label is \oui guarantee) otherwise you point and take a chance. She may have a date once in a while when you call her but generally she's putting up a front and will take any date offered. According to the Co-ed Herself: She has sleek black, gorgeous scarlet, or lovely blond hair, or else "It's brown with lights in it." As a type she is sophisticated, .seductive, tomboyish, and always adorable. She studies (that's what she calls it) enough to stay around a 3 point. When she feels like it she can rai.se hell like everything but the jazz age is kinda dying out, don't you think? .Anyway it's her business. She ti/utiys is a sorority doll (if she made one). If she's an independent she thinks that (ireek civilization is on the de- cline anyway. She could date every night if she wanted to but .she wants to discriminate. S He was a failine as an architect, so he went on the stage, but he isn't drawing any better houses. S Sigma Nu (singing a Sigma Nu song). "I'm a Sigma Nu, sir and will be till I s in .Ma\-, a graphic insight into the work of men who gather speci- mens tor the .Natural History Museum in New York. From the 3rd to the btli will appear a powerfid drama of reckless young blood — "\ oung Hiide " — featuring Helen Twelvctrees, Arlene judge, and Kric Linden. The story concerns the romance of a demure librarian and the hand- some sheik of a cheap dance hall — and the unscrupulous siren who does her best (or worst) to wreck their happine.ss. And just in case \ou'\e been studying hard lately and have missed some of the shows you wanted to see, here's another chance at the Park theatre this month: ^Lly 1. James Cagne\' in "Taxi"; .\Liy l-?i. Warnei' Oland in "Charlie Chan's Chance"; May 3-6, Joan Bennett in "She Wanted a Millionaire"; May 8, James Dunn and Sall\ Kilers in "Dance Team"; .\Liy 11, Sidney Fox in "Nice Women"; ALi\ 12-L\ Will Rogers in "Business and Pleasure": ALiy 1\ Buddy Rogers in "Reckless Age"; Ma\ liS, Slim Sunimerville in "Unexpected Father"; ALiy lQ-2(\ the four Marx Brothers in "Monkey Business"; May 22. Cli\e Brook and Ka\ Fr;uicis in "24 Hours"; \Ia\ 26-27, Sidney Fox in "Strictly Dishonorable"; ^Lay 28, Cieorge O'Brien in "R:iinbow Trail"; \Lay 2Q, Barbara Stanwyck in "Forbidden"; and May 3(1-31, Jackie Cooper in "Sooky." Just a cheerful reminder — it won't be long now until we'll all be hitting the books one last crack, .so better get your fiui in while yon may. Remember — a show a day will give vou an A. Dirt Nttmher 23 The Term Report (Certain iiitcifsting little folios aie iei|iiiied liy piutes- sois in some courses to add just a little bit to tiie woi r\ ami mental anguish caused by a quarter of attendance at the I niversity. A discreet investigation lia> revealed w lu these are not considered a super-human burden to the seekers after erudition, for we find:) Page 1 — Fancy maru'la folder. 2_Fly-leaf. 3 — Title page. 4_Fly-leaf. 5 — Table of Contents. 6— Fly-leaf. 7 — Outline. S— Fly-leaf. 9 — Introduction. 10-11— Body of Repoit. 12 — Conclusion. 13 — Fly-leaf. 14 — Summary. 13— Fly-leaf. 16-17-18-19- Hibliographv. 20— Fly-leaf. Total pages — 20. Total reading matter — 2 |iages. Margins 1 inch; tiiple s|iaced t\ pe. — St (III ford ( ^liiipiit I III. S A Freshman's Essay on a Cow A cow is a very peculiar animal. She has horns on lur front end, and a tail on her back end. Her eyes are \ery sad, as if she had eaten green plums. When she runs, she waildles from side to side like a duck. She has ,i \ery bit; mouth, and chews just like Uncle Ebene/er, onh I iicle V.h is a better shot. It is sometimes possible foi' a black cow to eat green glass and give white milk to make >ellow butter. 'Fhis is .1 \er\ peculiar situation. No one knows how to explain it. A cow's voice is copied after the linrn on a new Cadill.ic \'-l5. A cow's horn is not the same as a Cadillac horn. A Cadillac's horn corresponds to a cow's voice, ami a cow's horn corresponds to a Cadillac's bumper. It is also put on tor good looks, as a cow does not look so good without horns. With respect to horns, cows and Caddlacs aie not at all .ilike. A cow is not as big as a Cadillac, but is much bigger than an Avrstin. To milk an Austin or a Cadillac, you put a hose in the gas tank. To milk a cow, you do not do this. A baby cow, which is known as a calf, knows how to milk a cow, but a little Austin cannot milk a Cadillac. — Gcort/'ui I'll ii ) I lion- Jiu ki t. S She: If you try to kiss me I'll .scream. He: Not with all these people around? She: Well, let's find a quieter spot. — Cdlifoi luii II ti/iipii>. " Tell me, Mr. Cuolidge, du ijou tver feel blah?" • Do you ever feel blah? There's a sure cure for that sort of thing, and it doesn't come in bottles. It takes away that tired feeling, cures petrified pores — and doesn't make you feel like yourself again. It's a famous old formula, containing just the right amounts of dou- ble-chocolate humor and pungent fiction, topped with a delectable dab of Rolf Armstrong beauty. Makes you laugh and cry! Don't suffer in silence. Ask your druggist for College Humor 1050 N. LaSallc Street CHICAGO 24 T he SI \< V. [N (Continueii Irniti I'lii/r (>) by the mere cxistcna- of om- <>t tlir campus laundries? Kver since he liii this campus he's been called Kaptain Kleen. That his name is really pro- nounced Clayney doesn't make an\ difference, so don't let it bother you. Did you know tluit I'.l llcrroii h.is a mania? WIumicmt sonuMinc men- tions a costume partx to liim. aiitl wants to suf:y;est a costume to huu. I'l cuts them shoit b\ immciliatel\ replying, "Yea, I know, rompers." Did you know tliat julic Connors, that old Vou;ue tashionplate, c.iils people on the phone when she know s darn well that tlie\'ie not .it liomc, .-uul then leaves a messaiie to "call .Sadie at so-aiul-so." Did you know that l!u()u know that Hill Singer, who's been hanging around the .AD Pi house since class election, fell asleep on his date — Jo Smith — while sitting in the "petite salon," the pride of the hou.se? And then Jo hauled in the whole house to see how Hill looks when he's asleep. I )i(l \()u know that tlu-re's one thing worse than having ants in one's pants? That's having kittens in Piehn's as one maternally inclined cat did. Did \ou know that at the last Teke formal one of the members thought that the consomme in the cups was coffee, and passed the cream and sugar? Could this be any in- dication as to the usual Teke coffee? Did you see by the Illini that the Kappa Sigma Taus were living at the Sig Ep house? S Short Shavings: "Chic" Sale, our home town boy, has gone completeh Manhattan. He was seen in front of Sloppy Joe's place with a copy ot the New Yorker in his hand. He will soon appear with Jackie Cooper in William Johnston's "Limpy." Do \ou remember how a few years ago he found this community rather un- frieiulh to him? They seem glad enough to claim him now. Prof. Allen will dedicate his next issue of the Fisher paper to his Journalism "^b students. . . . Sun- bathers are common appearances on all campus terraces now. . . . Bob Kay dates a new woman e\ery week- end — and has a decided pieference for red-heads. . . . Patty O'Neill's parents came from Londonderry. . . . .Alice Mast eats Fleishmann's yeast. The crowd of night cab drivers in the Downy Flake Doughnut shop. . . . The boneyard has lost its ro- mantic air since it was deepened. . . . The old \a\\\ building is picturesque on a foggy evening. . . . The after- noon crowd in the Prehn-Hanle\ "coke-n'-loaf's." Ted Quinn can think best when chewing on the end of a pencil. . . . Dean Leonard is a trained singer. . . . I"\-Dean Clark makes hooked rugs . . . and lecommends Quaker Oats to his understudies. . . . Cliff Harrett is the life of the jiaity . . . holding hands at the spring concert. . . . Stockingless women are bcginniriLL tn appear. Helen .Morgan is t rom Danville. . . . Hruce Campbell, eistwhile guber- natorial candidate, is a Sig Alph. . . . Julie Connors is not married, so she says. . . . Tex (luinan is a Phi Mu from Virginia, yes, a real collitch woman. . . . Viiginia Sale is also from Urbana. Prof. Hottes' hobb\- is shooting sparrows in the back \ard out of the .second stor\ winilow. . . . Mary Klingel saves shoes for \ears. She now has a whole closet full of them. . . . Jess Hurley hates appointments with students, so he just has them all over to his apartment everv Thurs- day afternoon. Lois Seyster Montross, Alpha Xi Delta, busted into the Satevepost with a story not so long ago. . . . Try and tell which of the Holstein twins is which — the\' sa\' Johnny's hair is curliest. . . . Claire Oetting is mar- ried to a Sig X frosh. What-ho I News from the male of the species: Dr. Cahn said in Zoo. 2 lecture that the monotremes ( a primitive mammal ) was an egg lay- ing mammal. It's a perfectly silly habit, but the animal does it anyw^ay, Dr. Cahn stated. It must be the dixision of labor. Prof, (jraham came to class the other day and aimounced that he had .something lather embarrassing to confess. "I ha\e lost one of my front teeth," he said and griimed to pro\c it. "In fact, I have had several em- barrassing experiences in the last two weeks. They remind me of the Hible pa.ssage, 'The Lord giveth and he also taketh away.' " Today's best simile: As interest- ing as one of those Stoolman trave- logues . . . and then there is this one that came in second best : So la/y that if he were a worm someone else would have to turn him. Things I'd like to know : What happened to the big St. Hernard dog the Kappas used to own. If profs get spring iexer and sym- pathize with the affected eleven thou- sand, and if not, why not. c^a berionalitL|,presiLC|e aacL |3cr|orm.aace — 21/kat a car / THE new Packard Light Eight is a youthful car — trim and graceful in its lines, flashing in its performance. It helongs unmistakably to the distinguished Packard family and. in addition, carries a smart distinction all its own . . . Of course it includes Packard's latest engineering advances. Silent Synchro-mesh transmission, quiet in all three speeds — simple and safe Finger Control Free -Wheeling— Ride Control, the original system of dash-adjustable shock absorbers — all are there. Shatter-proof glass all around, six-ply tires and bumpers, front and rear, are standard equipment . . . The Coupe-Roadster, a smart, convertible model if there ever was one, accomodates two or four. It is long and low, with a wheelbase of 128 inches —brutally powerful with a straight-eight engine of 110 horse. And most astonishing of all. it is factorv-priced at the low figure of only $1795. Ask the jNIan Who Owns One — then ask Dad. PflCK4H^D ASK THE MAN WHO OWNS ONE University of Illin Library Periodical D*; Poorn T,P7 J^'ve switched to CaMEL^ because they're FRESH" ^^NCE a woman smoker has been intro- duced to Camels it's a case of love at first light. The first cool, mild fragrant puff of smoke from this fresh cigarette is sufficient to win her to Camels' ever-growing ranks of friends. Maybe it's because her throat is more sensitive than a man's that she's so quick to grasp the difference between the mildness of this air-sealed cigarette and the stinging bite of parched or toasted tobaccos. Blended from choice Turkish and mild, sun-ripened Domestic tobaccos. Camels are made with just the right amount of natural moisture and kept that way until delivered to the smoker by the Camel Humidor Pack. These cigarettes are never parched or toasted. The Reynolds method of scientifi- cally applying heat guarantees against that. If you haven't smoked Camels lately, per- haps you've been missing something. Why not switch over for just one day? After you've known their rare, throat -easy mild- ness, then leave them — if you can. R. J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO COMPANY Winston-Salem, N. C. "A re you Listen iu '.■"' R. J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO COMPANYS COAST • TO - COAST RADIO PROGRAMS Camel Quarter Hour Columbia Broadcasting System Prince Albert Quarter Hour National Broadcasting Company Red Network Pi^^?^ 5fe radio page of local ^ neMSipaper for " time move the moist tdre-proof wrapping from your Package of Camels after you open it. The Camel Humidor Pack is protection against perfume and powder odors, dust and germs* In offices and homes, even in the dry atmos- phere of artificial heat, the Camel Humidor Pack can be depended upon to deliver frtsh Camels etery lime © 1932. R. J. RcynoMs Tobacco Co Camels Made FRESII-Kcpt FRESH io up nurLiim They're clicking with inil- lious . . . You see more Chesterfields smoked every day... Here's why... They're milder. They contain the mildest tobaccos that money can buy. They taste better. Rich aroma of Turkish tobacco and mellow sweet- ness of Domestic. They're pure. Everything that goes into them is tested by expert chemists. They satisfy. You break open a clean, tight -sealed package. You light up a well-filled cigarette. They Satisfy! All you could ask for. Hear the Chesterfield Radio Program. ErerY night except Sunday. Columbia nriuiirk. See local newspaper for time. //w Cir/nrettc ikai ■J MILDER niK^ I l' V5 STES BETTER © 1932, Liggett * Myers Tobacco Co. Summer Number To a Co-ed The silence of the dream was broken Only by my words . . . soft spoken Of the beauty of the place, Of the wood's somnolent grace, Of your eyes or of your hair; Apologizing for my stare . . . And then that breathless moment when We saw an elf dart down a glen. And trembling there together we Fed our souls to witchery. He darted . . . My eyes followed after My heart on the verge of song or laughter . . . Till you lashed out to strike me mute With . . . "Oh my gawd but ain't he CUTE?" — Missouri Shoicmc. lUiiuiis' Only Co-operative Bookstores SHE By More Kiljoy (Apologies to Joyce Kilmorc's "Trees") I think that I shall never be A co-ed well be-rouged as she, She whose lovely mouth is prest By every frat's all-knowing best, Who stands and looks so odd all day, And lisps her weepy charms to prey; She who May and Summer wears, But little left for wear and tears; Upon whose bosom beaux have lain ; She who hints of love insane ; Boobs are made by prudes like me. But only snobs can make her key. — Missouri Showine. S "Judge, dat nigger am so dog-gone lazy, he goes to sleep standin' up so he won't have ta git outta bed in dc mawnin.' " — Arizona Kitty-Kat. S "Madam, may I see your daughter?" "No. Get out and stay out!" "But, madam, see this badge — I'm respectable, I'm a trolley conductor." "Oh, I'm sorry, come on in. I thought that was a fra- ternity pin." — M. /. T. I'oo Doo. : S It wasn't liquor that killed old Ben ; Nor women that stopped his breath — 'Twas an Austin somebody drove up" his leg And tickled old Ben to death. — Alabama Raniiner-Jaminer. S First burglar: Jim, I'm losing my knack. Second burglar: What happened? First burglar: I started to open a safe last night and got WJZ. —Bucknell Belle Hop. S Nit: What's the idea of the crowd at the church? Wit: An ice man is confessing his sins. — Texas Battalion. CLUBS... '"^^ You1l Enjoy Your Came More with MACCRECOR CLUBS Drop in and look over the com- plete assortment of better made clubs, to suit you LADYMACGRE^R ...c0ibstftat{it WA, \ I Mlnm EsTU jE NTs' suppicy stobesI ■■* 20'i South Mathews Urbana 610 East Daniel Champaisn The SIREN PROPOSITION (Afoloi/tcs to Math. Dcpt.) Theorem — If you love a girl slie loves you. Given — You love a girl. To Prove — That she loves you. Proof : 1. All the world loves a lover (Shakespeare). 2. Your girl is all the world to you (evident). 3. Your girl loves a lover (Substitute (2) in (1). 4. You are a lover (Hypothesis). Conclusion — Therefore your girl loves you. — Boston B(iit!/n Made as IVr Your IHrectidii Phone 4101 115 WEST cm R< H STREET CHAAIPAIGN. ILL. 20 The SIREN TTTTTrm '"Who, me?" (Continued from Page IS) he knew that he was a great lover, but he didn't think that the pledges should be allowed to razz him about it. Looks like Casanova has a rival at last. That's the old spirit, Johnny, don't let the pledges turn you from your objective. Jane Prettyman, charming little Kappa, is a baseball player of more than average ability, we hear. She not only stole three or four bases, but also the only bat the Chi Bete's had on their picnic. Russ Rink, the Adonis of the Alfachio house, hasn't even waited for finals to begin raising a lovch downy mustache. We wonder if it catches eggs, Russ being very fond of the things. . . . With spring comes its attendant troubles. . . . Some play- ful soul has been running around tlie Z. T. A. house shining spotlights in the windows and peeking for all he was worth, (as if there's anything worth peeking for out there). So greatly disturbing the maidenly modesty of the little gals that they promptly h:id a police guard installed. as well as calling on the services of two stalwart A. T. O's who played police dog around the house for the rest of the night. . . . The sequel — an entirely innocent campus youth was driving along Vermont with a friend late one evening and as they were having quite an argument as to whether a certain stone pile was the Z. T. A. house or not, the driver ran his spotlight over the chateau. It was. He drove down the street about a block, when he was stopped by a squad car, which directed him to the Urbana jug, his release being effected only after parting with fifteen bucks. The next day the judge took another look at the victim's honest face and refunded the three fins. . . . One of our yoimger professors was watch- ing the antics of the frogs ('tis spring, you know) in the rock garden pond. After a while he noticed a girl nearby also watching the frogs. Suddenly she turned to him and asked, "Are you a zoologist too?" Then she began to tell him all about the love-life of the frog. (Write your congressman for a pamphlet on this). Spring does bad things. . . . Besides the Men's Glee Club and the Choral Society this campus also boasts of another musical orgaiu'zation — none other than the Welsh Glee Singers. Meetings are held at any and every convenient time — the boys all stand up for one another — and their cheery music re- sounds up and down the streets. A slight knowledge of Welsh is helpful, but in case no applicants of this type appear, all members of Kappa Beta Phi are automatically pledged. . . . Mother's Day ended, as even the best of days must. All the fond mamas were sent back home, and the fresh- men began straightening up the place. Imagine the Sigma Nu's surprise to find that they still had a dozen or so white roses left over. Ever thought- ful (not to mention economical) they gathered them all up into a fine bouquet and sent them over to the Gamma Phi house. Betty Jane Muir was so thrilled to receive a beeyutiful rose from none other than Joe Turk, the president of that dandy group of boys. . . . This same B. J. Muir also Slimmer Number 21 wins the absent-minded prize for the merry month of May. She searched for her tooth brush for no less than ten minutes, the while gripping it firmly in her little paw. . . . Now comes the tale of one Alpha Phi, who, in her petition for Gold Feathers lists among her outside ac- tivity hours: "Newman hall . . . one hour a day." . . . The Gammafis are doing some right royal and rapid pin collecting, what with the spring and all. . . . Alfadelt, LambdaX and AlfagamaRo are the latest acquisi- tions. . . . Prof. Kneier of the Pullysci de- puttment has a habit of saying "that thing" in his lectures. La.st time he spoke of seven different "that things." . . . Sum uv tha gals had it all fixed up for little Virginia Hill to have a date with that swell Alfadelt, Henry Cabot Lodge. Was she ever disap- pointed when she found out that he wasn't in school any longer 1 . . . That's almost as bad as the gal who had a blind date with Bill Murray, of the AlfagamaRo house. ... It was just about this time in days of yore that the Delts felt it their duty to derail any and all street cars passing by. All the sad gentlemen sitting on the porch of the big red brick shanty are merely mourning the passing of the trolley. . . . We saw a couple actually out looking at the tulips the other day and it was before seven in the evening, too. . . . There are still plenty of pledge-ribbons present after the tirade on honoraries which "The Independent News" conducted. Pure Rot, Skunk and Pheasant, and the gool old pierian beer societies which hang out on the fourth floor of Uni are all in the midst of a successful season of roping 'em in. . . . The law students are beginning their annual grind. . . . Smoking is becoming quite prevalent at the latest band concerts. . . . Love goes on forever ... or at least until after his house party is over. Sally Fulton looks like the typical American Co-ed, according to El Herron. She gets that way by get- ting ready for a date in ten minutes, (Continued on Page 22) TKE big sensation TMlS SUMMER. COOL^KoRlFRtSHlNG- They sure ar^ LIFESAVERS ...to parched palates G.R.GRUBB6^CO. CHAMPAIGM. ILLINOIS. 22 r hv SIREN T5 O MoROOEBO- Who, me?" Then there was the man who jumped oft the Woolworth buildiiifj just to show the world that he had guts. S Sergeant: "But you say you're a college student?" Prisoner: "I am, sir." Officer: "But he can't be. I've searched him and there ain't a single magazine subscription blank on him." s The museum of Natural History is looking for some tickets local stu- dents had on the Kentucky Derby. They will be put under "Relics of Lost Races." NO ? Prof.: Mr. Jones, what do you know of this light theory? Mr. Jones: Well — uh — I don't think I's so sure of it; what do you think of it? Prof.: I don't think, I know! Mr. Jones: I don't think I know, either. — If'cstern Reserve Red Cat. S "My aunt in Venice is sending me a gondola for my birthday. How am I going to play it?" "You don't play a gondola ; you throw it over your shoulder like a shawl." (Cunliiniiit from Paijf 21 j including a hair shampoo. Her dates always complain because her hair smells like ginger and makes 'em sneeze ! Co-eds, in spite of their sophis- ticated pose, are still leetle gells afraid of teechur. Dean Leonard walked into Prchn's on Oregon t'other day, and eight Chi O's doused their cigarettes, lowered their voices, uncrossed their legs, and one of 'em even put on her glasses! Dan Durand drives all the women in \Lisk and Bauble shows crazy. He insists on putting on his make-up with his manly bosom bared to the breeze. Bob Harper, veteran production manager for campus shows, concen- trates for ten minutes on blowing a factory whistle, heard in R. U. R., at just the right pitch and with just the proper tempo, and never worries about a pianist, who has to play for five minutes, until after the begin- ning of the last act! Rae Shannon can draw in his eyes from each corner. We'll back him against Frankenstein any day and at am' odds. S The elevator and the alarm clock have done more than any other in- ventions to help men up in the world. S Radio will never be wholly satis- factory to the listener until he can turn off unpopular programs with a click that will be heard in the studio. S "What caused the explosion on Si's farm?" "He fed a chick some 'Lay or Bust' feed and it turned out to be a rooster." S Ants can lift weights which are tremendous in comparison with their own. Wasps and bees also can raise good-sized lumps. S D. Z. (returning to house with date) : Hello, everybody, Norm and I just got married." Chappie: "Companionate or com- pulsory?" Summer Number 23 Suggested College Sites Davenport, Iowa. Great Neck, Long Island. Marblehead, Massachusetts. Bar Harbor, Maine. Kissimmee, Florida. Rye, New York. Hot Springs, Arkansas. Bourbon, Indiana. — Carnci/ie Tech Pii/>pct. S They say that the very last thing Burbank did before dying was to cross a street car track with a baby buggy. — Oklahoma JFhirluind. S "I know every girl at this dance." "But not one of them has spoken to you." "Isn't that proof enough?" — North (Carolina ll'ataiifjari. S The radio is getting so popular in some of the fraternity houses that whenever someone asks what time it is, the answer comes back: "Half past Ben Bernie, quarter to Guy Lombardo." — Pennsylvania Punch Doivl. S Frosh: How about a date? Senior co-ed : Sorry, but I never go out with a baby. Frosh : Oh, pardon me, I didn't know you had one. — Columns U. of JFash. S "I hear some Chinese icemen had a fight yesterday in Chin Chow." "Sure these coolies are always having Tong wars." — Harvard Lampoon. S "I never date innocent girls." "But I'm innocent." "You don't have to be in for an hour yet." —Buckncll Belle Hop. S Voices in the dead of night in the dorm: Wake up quick, wake up ! Can't. Why not? Ain't sleeping. — Northuestern Purple Parrot. '. — ;7S "How's your new girl?" "Not very good." "You always were lucky." — ITashint/ton Columns. S She: "Oh, I simply adore that funny step. Where did you pick it up?" He: "Funny step? Hell! I'm losing my garter." — Oklahoma Agyravator S Ever hear of the young plumber who arrived at the party and found he had forgotten his wench? — Missouri Shoicmc. It won't be long now # The time has come (the walrus said) when freshmen doff their dinks, soph- omores and juniors tear off to Europe and seniors discover whether or not there is life after college. Make your last days at school more pleasant by reading Swizzle-stick, a novelette by a debutante, which is as stimulating as the title implies,- Know Your Olympics, an informa- tive article on the event which holds the spotlight; and many other fiction and fact features reflecting all your high moments. There is rollicking, panicing humor to cheer your remain- ing days, in the July issue of College Humor 1050 North LaSalle Street CHICAGO 24 The SIREN Coming Distractions As reviewed hv Marion Irrmann Ami so ;iiu)tlicr \c'ar of liard work (or am I wrong?) is nearly over, but even the best of brain-wrackcrs need some diversion during the last gruelling lap of the race for a fivt- point average, so here's our sugges- tion. It's a good one, too — but don't take our word for it — go downtown and see for yourself. The R-K-O Virginia presents Joan Crawford and Robert Mont- gomery in "Letty Lynton," from May 29 to June 1. It's a drama of modern society in which Joan Craw- ford takes the role of a beautiful heiress, who plays around a bit too much. The shadow of a past indis- cretion came (Ed. note: — Under her eyes?) to mar her happiness when she found her real love. In her at- tempt to save her future, she is ac- cused of murder. Faced with the choice of loss of reputation or a prison term, her fiance, as played by Robert Montgomery, comes to her rescue — and all of the past is forgot- ten. The plot is nothing startling, but the usual capable acting of these two stars makes this a good evening's entertainment. From the 2nd to the 4th comes "Huddle," a .serial of modern uni- versity life, sans "rah rah," whicli ran in (jnllcgc Humor. Ramon Navarro plays the part of an Italian laborer who won a scholarship to Yale. He w^asn't ready to die for "dear old whoozis," he thought col- lege spirit a "racket" and a girl's love the bunk, but the lovely Madge Evans made him change his mind about a lot of things. You'll get a kick out of this show. Here's just something to jot down — don't miss the picture starting Jiuic 5. The glamorous Garbo scores an- other smash in Luigi Pirandello's "As You Desire Me." May 28-29-30 brings the story of the queerest people on earth to the R-K-O. "Freaks," starring Leila Hyams and Wallace Ford, is a weird mystery thriller of life behind the scenes in a circus sideshow. Uncanny suspense in this strange plot of humans, centering about the love story of a giant, a siren, and a midget make this one of the most unusual pictures of the year. From May 31 to June 3 appears "The Silver Lining," with Maureen O'Sullivan, Betty Compson, John Warburton, and Montague Love. The action takes place in New York, from the slums to the East Side to the mansions of Fifth avenue. Im- agine a girl of wealth, beauty, and social position stripped of her finery, left without friends, in a position where money could not be used to advantage — and you have a human story that cannot fail to be interest- ing. And just in case you've missed seeing some of the shows you have heard others talk about, here's your chance to see them at the Park dur- ing June. June 1 — Husband's Holiday. June 2-3 — Murders in the Rue Morgue, with Sidney Fox. June 4 — Cavalier of the West, with Harry Cary. June 5 — After Tomorrow, with Charles Farrell. June 6-7 — Daughters of the Drag- on, with Warner Oland. June 8 — Three Wise Girls. June 9-10 — Ladies of the Big House, with Sylvia Sidney. June 11 — Local Bad Man, star- ring Hoot Gibson. June 12 — Heaven on Earth, with Lew Ay res. June 13-14 — Personal Maid, with Nancy Carroll. June 15 — Once a Lady, with Ruth Chatterton. June 16-17— Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, with Fredrick March. June 18 — Gay Caballero, with George O'Brien. June 19 — Firemen Save My Child, with Joe E. Brown. June 20-21— Rich Man's Folly, starring George Bancroft. June 22 — Careless Lady, with Joan Bennett. June 23-24 — Shanghai Express, with Marlene Dietrich and Clive Brook. June 25 — His Woman, with Gary Cooper. June 26 — The Expert, starring Chic Sale. June 27 — Two Kinds of Women, with Miriam Hopkins. June 29 — Devil's Lottery, with Elissa Landi. June 30-1 — Tomorrow and To- morrow, with Ruth Chatteron. And that's all for this year, gentle readers — have a nice summer, and send me a card from Paris. Goodbye now, and did I hear Sister Susie giv- ing me the gentle bird with an "Oh yeah?" Smart aacl Sturkt - and^Jfc / Have you seen the snappy, ne^v Packard Light Eight? Try this number over on your speedway and you'll join the rousing chorus, "What a car!" . . . Just get behind the wheel and go places. Put it through all its paces. You'll find it accelerates like a rocket, rides like a Pullman and turns up speed no end. And is this car quiet? You scarcely hear the engine purr. You glide away in low as noiselessly as you JlU/i flash along in high. And von shift with- out a click. Free- Wheeling? It's yours at the flick of a finger . . . Now stand off and look at the job. It's long and rangy — low and smart — brinnning with niotoi* car "it." For you or your family here's a car that renews the thrill of youth . . . And, the marvel of it is, this Packard Light Eight lists at less than $2000 at the factory. A Packard! At a price! Use your influence! PflCKflfiD JHqkt £lc|lxt7 ASK THE MAN WHO OWNS ONE •Ofe,^ ««ie ■-na a '^" '^T,.n^ . o /r- >i ME RICA J -o o-